The Real Housewives of Sydney - S03E07 (w/ Ruby Teys)

Comedy legend Ruby Teys joins Sam on the couch to talk about these silly women in New Zealand. It’s all Martine this week as our robot girl steals the spotlight once more (proud of you doll) and when she’s not snatching airtime or wasting margaritas she’s getting a new villa with Montano to have a good bitch in. Heaven. 

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
this podcast was produced on the land of the
Wurundjeri people of the KulinNation Welcome to Australia.
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie.
This is kind of tragic.
Someone who is such aconnoisseur of reality
television.
The content is hideous.
I'm

SPEAKER_02 (00:17):
so sorry about this.
Oh my God.

SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
Hello, darling.

SPEAKER_02 (00:21):
Hello, my angel.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
We're both at our wits end hereon a Wednesday suckling on this
rosé.
Bit of mummy's milk.

SPEAKER_00 (00:31):
Bit of mummy's milk on a Wednesday for you.

SPEAKER_02 (00:33):
On a Wednesday for you.
And I tell you what, I feel likeI've been put on the spit the
last hour and a half, eaten outsideways by our lovely, lovely
Thai man called Tony.
Kop

SPEAKER_00 (00:45):
Kun Ka.

SPEAKER_02 (00:45):
Kop Kun Amadut.
I had a fabulous massage beforecoming, so now my mouth is quite
loose and ready to run.

SPEAKER_00 (00:54):
That's how I like my guests.
Loose.
Loose.
So, Ruby, darling.

SPEAKER_02 (00:59):
Hello,

SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
sweet stuff.
The fabulous Ruby Teeth is inMelbourne for the Melbourne
International Comedy Festival.
It's that

SPEAKER_02 (01:05):
time of the year again.
It came quick.
You did.
And gosh, I'm here and I'mtearing it a new one.

SPEAKER_00 (01:12):
Fucking rip it open.

SPEAKER_02 (01:13):
Four stars of the age.
Wasn't built right anyway.
Who do I think I am?
Exactly.
Exactly.
Well done.
Tear it down.
Start it again.
And

SPEAKER_00 (01:20):
how's it all going?

SPEAKER_02 (01:21):
It's going fabulous, actually.
I think I've really found thegroove, the niche.
And that is, no one wants tocry.
No one wants a life lesson.
In this economy?
No, exactly.
Fuck off.
We just want to have fun.
And that's the theme of thisyear.
We're just here to have fun andbe silly.
And it's working quite well.
quite well

SPEAKER_00 (01:38):
thank fuck thank fuck for Cherry Vinyl

SPEAKER_02 (01:40):
Cherry Vinyl she's out

SPEAKER_00 (01:42):
she's back I did get a sneak peek of Cherry Vinyl was
that the

SPEAKER_02 (01:45):
Fringe yeah like really really

SPEAKER_00 (01:48):
early when she was in her gestation period and now
she's like a small fetus yes nowshe's a fully formed girl lady
girl

SPEAKER_02 (01:58):
now she's a little girl yes it's a great show yeah
you'll love it yeah you'll loveit it's gone it's gone off the
The Richter scale.
And you've

SPEAKER_00 (02:09):
got another show as well.

SPEAKER_02 (02:11):
Yeah, Alt Girl World is my line-up show.
Fun, fun.
And I just showcase the craziestgirls of the festival.
Too raunchy, too cool, too...
abstract for the headline spots.

SPEAKER_00 (02:23):
There's some naughty girls out there.
Very,

SPEAKER_02 (02:25):
very naughty girls.
And I thought this is the bestidea for a show.
And it pops off every week.
It's on Saturdays.

SPEAKER_00 (02:32):
Have you got Chrissy Marsh on the lineup?
I think she'd do a greatone-woman show.

SPEAKER_02 (02:35):
She's our executive producer, actually.

SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
She's like, more dick jokes, girls.

SPEAKER_02 (02:39):
I love her drill rap.
It's called Skinny Bitch.
Get me another skinny bitch,please.
Get me another skinny bitch,please.

SPEAKER_00 (02:48):
Did you clock in the episode last week when she was
like, Bye.
when they handed her thatmargarita and she said with full
conviction, oh, this is my firstdrink of the day.
And I was like, Chrissy, we'veliterally just cut from the
scene of you drinking skinnybitches in the hot tub.
Oh, no.
You dumb bitch.

SPEAKER_02 (03:04):
And then this week, she wouldn't even cheers because
she's like, how many times canyou bloody cheers in one day?
I was like, Chrissy, ain't thatthe truth?

SPEAKER_00 (03:12):
I want them to bring back Chewbacca as the nickname
for Chrissy.
She's really glad that it'sgone, but I'm not and I want to
bring it

SPEAKER_02 (03:19):
back.
I reckon, and I think we alsoneed to few more.
Jabba the Hutt needs to comeout.

SPEAKER_00 (03:27):
Who in the cast would be Jabba the Hutt?
Skating on thin ice, aren't we?
We might play the fifth on thatone.
Play the fifth.
You decide, listeners.

SPEAKER_02 (03:39):
You know who you are.
Comment on the episode.

SPEAKER_00 (03:41):
Leave a comment in the chat.
Who is Jabba the Hutt of thiscast?
Who is R2-D2?
I think we know who Megan therobot is.

SPEAKER_02 (03:50):
The killer robot.
The killer robot.

SPEAKER_00 (03:52):
She's back.
She's causing chaos this week.

SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
And she's really Benjamin Button-ing.
Because I tell you what, thereis no way in hot hell, and I
mean this in the best waypossible, Like, I want to be
drinking that dragon's blood.
I want to be licking the back ofthat daintry rainforest green
tree fog.
It's the substance.
42?
42?
I said no, darling.

SPEAKER_00 (04:14):
She looks

SPEAKER_02 (04:14):
12.
27.

SPEAKER_00 (04:15):
It's a real Natalia Grace

SPEAKER_02 (04:18):
situation.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (04:20):
I want to see the birth certificate in Ukrainian.

SPEAKER_02 (04:23):
Please, please.
Or the Bell Gibson.
I've actually got two birthcertificates.
Right

SPEAKER_00 (04:29):
now, Tracy.
When is Bell Gibson

SPEAKER_02 (04:30):
going to get on the show?

SPEAKER_00 (04:32):
Bell Gibson?
would be a great housewife greatwell did you see in the in the
news in the news this week thatthat woman that was cast on the
show fucking crashed a car likereally damn like damaged
multiple cars shit-faced afterdrinking too many skinny bitches
jumped into a car and just did alittle smashity smash on the

(04:54):
streets of double bay doll andthen they were like did a donut
but i was like why didn't theycast her on the show that would
have been excellent how good i

SPEAKER_02 (05:01):
think I think my mum was actually in her hearing.
You want to know the excuse?
It was vegan wine.
I thought it would be fine.
Actually.
I'm not joking.

SPEAKER_00 (05:14):
I didn't think vegan wine contained alcohol.

SPEAKER_02 (05:17):
I thought it was organic vegan wine.
I thought it was.

SPEAKER_00 (05:21):
And I'd only had the six bottles.
I'm going,

SPEAKER_02 (05:24):
I'm sorry, but if they're squeezing

SPEAKER_00 (05:25):
it out of grapes.
Yeah, it's organic.

SPEAKER_02 (05:27):
I'm thinking, if it's not vegan, what the fuck is
it?

SPEAKER_00 (05:32):
No, Belle Gibson would be a great addition.
Yeah.
Because, yeah, she'd be rivaledin Delusion with this cast.

SPEAKER_02 (05:39):
Totally.
Totally.
And, you know, she would...
really, really get up everyone'sgoat because she would really,
really start it.
Like, what did you mean by that?
You haven't matured if youhaven't had kids.
What did you mean?

SPEAKER_00 (05:52):
Oh, she would love that.
She would

SPEAKER_02 (05:54):
love that.
She would keep beating that deadhorse, beating it down, beating
it down, flogging it out untilthere was nothing left but the
left side liver.

SPEAKER_00 (06:03):
Does she still think she's 26?
Because remember when she waslike, at this moment right now,
I believe that I'm 26.
Does she still?
Like, if you were to ask Look ather right now.
Oh,

SPEAKER_02 (06:13):
yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (06:14):
How old are you, Belle?

SPEAKER_02 (06:15):
26.
That's what my third birthcertificate says.
Has she converted to Islam?
Has she?
Or is that Lindsay Lohan?

SPEAKER_00 (06:25):
Look, I can't say.
I've got eyes on...
I haven't got eyes on Belle.

SPEAKER_02 (06:30):
Neither.
How did we get onto this?
I

SPEAKER_00 (06:32):
don't know.
She's fucking everywhere.
Everywhere.
She's permeating.
See,

SPEAKER_02 (06:37):
I'm working too hard.
All I had to do was...
Oh, I should stop now.

UNKNOWN (06:42):
Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 (06:43):
So you're a Housewives girlie, but only the
Australian franchises.
Yes.
I love that.
Only the Australian franchises.
I love that.

SPEAKER_02 (06:49):
Only the Australian.
Oh, Drag Race, I only watch UK.
Housewives, I only watchAustralia.

SPEAKER_00 (06:55):
What a true patriot.

SPEAKER_02 (06:57):
I am a true patriot.
Thank you very much.
A dual citizen, if you will.
I am a long time watchingHousewives fan.
And can I say, I knew I wasspecial the day I went into
Avalon RSS just after lockdown,and who do I see?
But my favourite housewife ofall time, Lisa Oldfield, second

(07:21):
to Gina Liano, actually.
Yeah, yeah, I was going to say.
Sorry, Gina, for that.
Sorry, Gina, for that.
Slap me.
Cross-examination, that one.
I'll cry.

SPEAKER_00 (07:31):
Oh, she'll stop when they start to

SPEAKER_02 (07:32):
cry.
Exactly.
In her golf outfit with thesunglasses on at 7pm.

SPEAKER_00 (07:38):
Stop.

SPEAKER_02 (07:39):
Slapping that pokies.
Slapping the pokies.
And you know what?
Me and my friend...
I went right down next to her.
Did you?
Put our sunglasses on, got twoskinny bitches and started going
too.

SPEAKER_00 (07:49):
Oh my God.
Lisa Alford in the flesh.
What was she

SPEAKER_02 (07:52):
like?
Quiet.

SPEAKER_00 (07:54):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (07:55):
Determined.

SPEAKER_00 (07:56):
Where were the kids?
Pissed off.
Where were the little dickheads?

SPEAKER_02 (07:59):
Probably with Pauline Hanson's ex.

SPEAKER_00 (08:02):
David?

SPEAKER_02 (08:02):
David.

SPEAKER_00 (08:03):
He was a menace.
He

SPEAKER_02 (08:04):
was a menace.

SPEAKER_00 (08:05):
But loved being on telly.
He was on like, I'm a celebrity.
I think he did Amazing Race.
Did he?
I think he did all of it.
Really?
To that, I'm like, sorry?

SPEAKER_02 (08:15):
How do you get from Lisa Oldfield's partner?
Oh, that's right, because he wasthe scandal.

SPEAKER_00 (08:22):
And Australian television loves putting a
racist scandal just like ontelevision.
Racist infidelity.
Yeah, and just put it there andjust go, yep, that's what that
is.
That's what that is.
And we're all going to be like,

SPEAKER_02 (08:35):
mm-hmm.
Look, he's still an Australianman after all.
Yeah.
And we're going to still put himon telly.
We're going to get him toabseil.
Yeah.
Down a cliff in Chile.
But

SPEAKER_00 (08:45):
how could he be racist when Lisa Oldfield is an
18th Chinese?

SPEAKER_02 (08:49):
Exactly.
And she'll tell you.
She will.
In a ripped jean and a peachyblouse.

SPEAKER_00 (08:57):
And a boat shoe.
She walked so that Kathy Hiltoncould run.
But our new girlies, we've gotthis new cast.
How are you feeling about them?
Season two was a little bitflop-tana, let's be real.
Flop-tana,

SPEAKER_02 (09:10):
and I was very excited about having Terri,
because back in the King's Crossdays, can I just say, Terri was
absolutely the Queen of Sydney.
She had the hat shop at theStrand Arcade, and then she was
at Hugo's, the club, Friday,Saturday, Sunday, sometimes
Thursdays.

SPEAKER_01 (09:27):
The Biv.

SPEAKER_02 (09:28):
Every week.
She was the it girl of Sydney.
Not joking.
If she bagged AnthonyMinichiello, she bagged
everyone.
How

SPEAKER_00 (09:36):
is he not on the show?
He was in one episode for liketwo seconds.
And I was like, get himshirtless.
Get him on.
In the fucking show, please.

SPEAKER_02 (09:47):
I love Terry because Terry is pure Sydney.
Like pure, you know,Greek-Italian Sydney.
Like the real deal.
Nicole thinks she is.
but nah.
Oh, honey.
Sorry, doll.
Terry is the real it girl of

SPEAKER_00 (10:03):
Sydney.
Nicole is so old world, like oldmoney vibes that it's just kind
of boring.
Like, we don't want old money onour housewives shows.
We want to Lulu loaded, likefucking just,

SPEAKER_02 (10:18):
I want a party girl.
Exactly.
I want a party girl.
And that's why I really likeChrissy and I really like Terry
because they have fun.
They laugh loud.
They're that really fun auntiethat we go to her rest
restaurant we stay there allnight yeah and we laugh really
loud like open mouth like to thesky head back come on give me
something

SPEAKER_00 (10:37):
oh they're probably telling dick jokes right now
yeah and talking about horribleuncouth things

SPEAKER_02 (10:43):
things at a margarita bar imagine them at a
party with us for one second ohmy god for one second for one
second

SPEAKER_00 (10:52):
yeah Chrissy is doing a lot of the heavy lifting
she must be fucking tired

SPEAKER_02 (10:56):
and I want to know the net worth Do you remember
when she was like, are you abillionaire

SPEAKER_00 (11:01):
now?
Shut that down.
Shut that down in five seconds.
I want the receipts.

SPEAKER_02 (11:05):
Me and my friends were going, okay, Chrissy Marsh
net worth.
Chrissy Marsh husband net worth.
Net worth.
Right in.
Right in.
Let us know, Chrissy.
Because

SPEAKER_00 (11:15):
I would like to know.
Chrissy's accountant.
Just let us know in the DMs.

SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
And then we will happily share a room and a
bathroom in Noosa.
I'll tell you

SPEAKER_00 (11:23):
that.
Oh, my God.
I don't want to go in the secondhouse in Noosa.
I want to go in the HQ.
with fucking Chrissy.
I want to share a bed.
I

SPEAKER_02 (11:32):
want to share a bed with Chrissy.
Because we're going to be up allnight going...
Big dick, big

SPEAKER_00 (11:40):
dick energy.
Exactly, BDE.
And what's a T-bomb?
It's a fucking tequila shot.
Every time it comes up, someone,like I was watching last night's
episode with Adam, and he waslike, he turned to me, he's
like, what's a T-bomb?
And I was like, I'm pretty sureit's literally just a tequila
shot.

SPEAKER_02 (11:58):
Really?
Kind of boring.
They're using all thesebuzzwords like skinny bitch,
T-bomb from like 2016.
I'm going, scathing, scathing.

SPEAKER_00 (12:11):
It's good branding.
Big dick energy.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're like, I've just heardthis new term.
It's called BDE.
Yeah, and everyone's like, oh,my God.
My

SPEAKER_02 (12:19):
hairdresser, Joe Bailey, uses it all the

SPEAKER_00 (12:23):
time.
Joe fucking Bailey.
No, that's Sydney.
That is, you know, yeah.
You know you're in Sydney whenyou've been given an evil
side-eye glance from Joe Bailey.
It's from Joe Bailey,

SPEAKER_02 (12:33):
exactly.
And going, hop out of JoeBailey's way.
He's after Napoleon Pettis.

SPEAKER_00 (12:39):
Not Napoleon Pettis.
Napoleon, hang on, is Napoleonlike Alex Perry style, like
where they both maintain theirheterosexuality?
Mm-hmm.
That is?

SPEAKER_02 (12:50):
Line them up in a line.
Jay

SPEAKER_00 (12:52):
Bailey.
Hugh Jackman.

SPEAKER_02 (12:54):
Alex Perry.

SPEAKER_00 (12:54):
Alex Perry.
They're all like, I just love mywife's pussy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She's fabulous.
It's a fabulous little pussy.
And eye for

SPEAKER_02 (13:04):
design.
And God, she wakes up everymorning and plugs her eyebrows
in just the perfect way.

SPEAKER_00 (13:09):
Oh, and the eyebrows look great.
They look great.
Yeah, little bar be dullarrangements aren't they
allegedly

SPEAKER_02 (13:14):
alright I'm going to the Coogee Pavilion with my new
friend and I'll see you in sevenhours

SPEAKER_00 (13:20):
I heard on the grapevine that Hugh Jackman is
stooping who's the hot one fromQueer Eye that can't cook but is
the cook Anthony Anthony yeahthat would make sense makes
sense that checks out

SPEAKER_02 (13:34):
and you know who's really really really jealous of
that Baz Luhrmann defamationAllegedly.

SPEAKER_00 (13:43):
Allegedly.
I didn't say anything.
Baz Luhrmann is just like in theother room looking through a
window, looking through it.
And action.
A sheer cloth going, oh,

SPEAKER_02 (13:56):
to

SPEAKER_00 (13:56):
be in that room.

SPEAKER_02 (13:58):
Can't move any of his face, just the bottom lip
kind of quivers a little bit.

SPEAKER_00 (14:03):
The Sydney Underground Gay Illuminati.

SPEAKER_02 (14:06):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (14:06):
They're coming for us.
They're going to knock us off.
They're going to fucking...
If we don't come back, like ifthis is the last episode of this
podcast, please know that wewere taken out.
By Baz.
And a tiny gold-plated gun waspointed at us.
And we were taken out.

SPEAKER_02 (14:23):
And we were taken right

SPEAKER_00 (14:24):
out.
In a dance sequence.
In a dance sequence.
With a lot of feathers.

SPEAKER_02 (14:28):
Yeah.
Good way to go.
Wide shot.
Exactly.
Fabulous way to go.
Very Cherry Vinyl.
Very Cherry Vinyl.
Speaking of Cherry Vinyl.
Yeah.
Someone who looks very gorgeousin vinyl.
Can we just go back to Martine?
Please.
There has to be...
She has to be 24, 25.
This

SPEAKER_00 (14:47):
is a Martine, like, stan account.
And

SPEAKER_02 (14:50):
also, I am a big Martine stan because all I'm
seeing is neurodivergent girly.
Oh, absolutely.
No patience whatsoever.
Same girl.
And after four hours of filming,of course.
Wouldn't you be in, like, anADHD freeze?
Like, get me out of here.
I'm about to have a meltdown.

SPEAKER_00 (15:06):
You saw that margarita bar.
I would have walked in there andbeen like, no, sorry, that neon
sign is fucked.

SPEAKER_02 (15:12):
Where is everyone?

SPEAKER_00 (15:14):
It is Queenstown.

SPEAKER_02 (15:15):
Oh, true.
They

SPEAKER_00 (15:16):
probably was in there like a bunch of
backpackers or something andthey were like...

SPEAKER_02 (15:20):
Okay, off to Cherburger.
I want to...

SPEAKER_00 (15:24):
Fergburger.

SPEAKER_02 (15:25):
Fergburger.

SPEAKER_00 (15:27):
Okay, so we need to talk about Fergburger.
So you've been to fuckingQueenstown.
No, but I used

SPEAKER_02 (15:30):
to date this guy who would go every year.
It's such a dreary place.
And he would just go,Fergburger,

SPEAKER_00 (15:35):
Fergburger, Fergburger.
It's just a burger.
They're not that good.

SPEAKER_02 (15:38):
They're not that

SPEAKER_00 (15:39):
good.
We waited for like two hours forone and then I was like, this is
like grilled.
It's not even like grilled.
It's better.

SPEAKER_02 (15:45):
Really?

SPEAKER_00 (15:46):
Yeah.
same shit

SPEAKER_02 (15:47):
is it expensive queenstown i can imagine yeah
it's probably like outrageousany snow location like

SPEAKER_00 (15:52):
a dumb ski town it's a

SPEAKER_02 (15:55):
fucking dump

SPEAKER_00 (15:55):
yeah yeah it's just there's just Designer stores and
yeah, Ferg Burger and that's it.

SPEAKER_02 (16:03):
A few chalets, a few

SPEAKER_00 (16:04):
villas.
Oh my God, the villas.

SPEAKER_02 (16:07):
The villas.

SPEAKER_00 (16:08):
We've actually decided to get our own villa.

SPEAKER_02 (16:10):
We're going to get our own villa.
So good.
We're going to hold hands andlook into each other's eyes.
The other thing that reallycreeped me out about this
episode just quickly.
Yeah.
I know we're probably not readyto touch on this yet, but...
Nicole's relationship.
Oh, not Nicole.
Nicole is present.
I think she's trying to waitherself out.
She's done.

(16:31):
She's done.
I mean, I hope she's done.
She's like, I want to just spendmy life cutting people off.
Please let me do that.
I don't want to keep talkingabout it.
Caroline's relationship with herhusband.
That was a bit weird.
Who do you work for?
When she goes, you know, there'snothing.
I don't really talk to him aboutthe kids.

(16:52):
Like, don't you sleep in thesame room?
in bed every night, not mybusiness, but maybe not.

SPEAKER_00 (16:57):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (16:57):
Maybe it's just a bit, maybe this is too deep for
the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 (17:01):
No, no, there's a few.
Well, so the thing that standsout to me about this cast is,
yeah, the husband.
His hair

SPEAKER_02 (17:06):
feathers.

SPEAKER_00 (17:07):
Oh my God.
Is the lyrebirds that have beenmurdered to make Victoria's
hair.
And the yetis.
And those poor yetis.
I do not support that.
No.
But the husbands are notpresent.
Like, Martine's trying to makeher husband a thing.
They had like that golf scene.
Yeah.
And I was like,

SPEAKER_02 (17:28):
oh.
You both are drinking the samepoison because you're trying to
look younger.
Yeah.
The husband.
But you know he's pressing.
And then she is just looking soyoung.
Like, which baby's blood are youdrinking?

SPEAKER_00 (17:42):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (17:42):
I can't get over it.
I'm gobsmacked.
Every week.
She looks fucking incredible.
Snatched.
Yeah.
And not even like, doesn't evenlook it.

SPEAKER_00 (17:50):
No.

SPEAKER_02 (17:51):
She's just naturally

SPEAKER_00 (17:52):
so snatched.
Yeah, none of them.
They're all pretty private aboutwho they're seeing.
Even Dr.
Kate was like, I've got somepiece of ass coming to
Queenstown when you ladiesleave, which I was like,
amazing.
But even with that, I wonder ifwe're going to see it.
Probably not because she didn'teven say the name.

SPEAKER_02 (18:10):
No.
She's like, I don't like labels.
I was going, well, is he coming?
Is

SPEAKER_00 (18:17):
he coming though?
How do you feel about Dr.
Kate?

SPEAKER_02 (18:21):
She's like that friend you have that's always
like a little bit of a...
A dweller on the negative.

SPEAKER_00 (18:28):
Yes.
She can frequently be a DebbieDowner.
Yeah.
But I do like her confessionals.
Me too.
Especially this season whenshe's just like, get fucked up.
She gets really bogan andconfessional and I love it.

SPEAKER_02 (18:43):
It's very Samantha Armitage style.

SPEAKER_00 (18:45):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (18:46):
I like it.
I like it.
Almost Sophie Monk.
Almost Sophie Monk.
Oh yeah, there we were.
Sophie Monk should be on thatshow.
Sophie Monk would

SPEAKER_00 (18:54):
kill it.
Every show.
Sophie Monk needs to be on everyshow.
Every single show that was evermade.

SPEAKER_02 (18:59):
The Princess of Central Coast at the moment.
The Big Mansion at Woi Woi.
Invite us, Sophie.

SPEAKER_00 (19:05):
Sophie, we're desperate.

SPEAKER_02 (19:07):
We're desperate, darling.
Desperate to join you.

SPEAKER_00 (19:10):
Should we get into this episode?
Yeah, let's do it.
Every painful second of it.
So it's called BDE in NZ.
Great work.
Great work.
Glad we're catching on to

SPEAKER_02 (19:19):
the What's Trending hashtags.
Glad we're into the hashtags.

SPEAKER_00 (19:24):
And we get more adventures in New Zealand.
They really crammed in someactivities at the top.

SPEAKER_02 (19:32):
They did.
Oh, can I just say, fuckingfierce.
Those shots up the mountain.
Fucking fierce

SPEAKER_00 (19:38):
on the helicopter.
I would have shat myself.

SPEAKER_02 (19:40):
Fucking amazing.
So good.
That looked fucking incredible.
And everything else kind oflooked a bit like...

SPEAKER_00 (19:49):
Well, like Sally and Chrissy were just like back at
the ranch, like drinking tea.
What?

SPEAKER_02 (19:54):
Arena TV.
We're like, sorry girls, we canonly afford four of you.
So which ones have

SPEAKER_00 (20:00):
done it?
Who's not coming in the dropper?
They could have like, yeah, theycould have at least given them a
supplementary activity.

SPEAKER_02 (20:08):
Yeah, exactly.
Or

SPEAKER_00 (20:09):
maybe they've already done everything in
Queenstown, including the icepenis.
Yeah, I think so.
There's only one ice penis, sothey couldn't use it twice.
Oh, H&S.
Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 (20:20):
Regulation.

SPEAKER_00 (20:23):
Kate's hungover.
But she wouldn't miss theadventures with the girls for
the world.
No way.
Because she's a fucking good,she's a team player.
She is.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (20:32):
She's, yeah, she's a Cub Scout.

SPEAKER_00 (20:34):
Yeah.
Speaking of not team players,Martine needs some time out
because she's had a reallystressful night storming out of
a margarita bar.
So she's like, I'm just going tohave some me time, which to that
I say, fuck yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (20:48):
get it.
Absolutely.
Get that check.
And you can just tell it wouldhave just been so boring filming
that whole day and you'restanding up at the table and
you're just looking at eachother and there's no one else in
the bar and the fluorescentlighting is really popping off
and we're just talking about thesame thing over and over and

(21:09):
over again.

SPEAKER_00 (21:09):
They should have sent a camera crew with her just
when she went souvenir shoppingon her own.
Exactly.
It was weird to me that theydidn't.

SPEAKER_02 (21:18):
Or making a new friend.
Yeah, exactly.
Or just sitting around.
I reckon she's gone fuck off for24 hours.
Yeah.
Which I fully support.

SPEAKER_00 (21:27):
I love it.
She still would have gottenpaid.
Fantastic.
But

SPEAKER_02 (21:30):
did you hear the murmurs of, oh, maybe she's on
Ozempic?

SPEAKER_00 (21:33):
Well, the girl said that.
And I'm going,

SPEAKER_02 (21:35):
how?
Why would she bother?
She's the size of the,

SPEAKER_00 (21:38):
why would you bother?
We've seen her diet from thekids' menu.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I think it's just that.
She

SPEAKER_02 (21:43):
loves burgers and chips and you can't really eat
any of that because it wouldmake you too full on Ozempic,
I'm guessing here.
I

SPEAKER_00 (21:48):
think she's a little bird.
You know, there's little birdpeople that just kind of peck at
one chicken nugget.
What's that

SPEAKER_02 (21:54):
one?
What's that one?
Hummingbird.

SPEAKER_00 (21:57):
Yeah, she's a little hummingbird.
She's a little

SPEAKER_02 (21:58):
hummingbird.
Having a little peck pock.

SPEAKER_00 (22:00):
Yeah.
Sally goes, we haven't seenMartine after she walked out of
the margarita bar.
Which you'll never hear me.
doing that I would never I wouldnever turn down a margarita in
any situation and I

SPEAKER_02 (22:15):
saw a coconut one and that's my favourite flavour
we're not doing cheers how manytimes we have to cheers

SPEAKER_00 (22:21):
that was the bit that made that like I was the
most outraged just leavingbehind like a full mug

SPEAKER_02 (22:28):
I know

SPEAKER_00 (22:28):
like that's actually disgusting that's rich in like
we're like there's a housingcrisis

SPEAKER_02 (22:33):
there's a housing crisis you know there's an
everything

SPEAKER_00 (22:36):
crisis like come on Down it.
At least pick it up, down it,and then be like, fuck yous all
on out.

SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
Fuck yous all.
Or take it with you.
Get it in a takeaway cup.
Exactly.
Exactly.
That would have been iconic.
Pour it into your Stanley cupand jog at home.
Take my microphone off me.
Take my microphone off me.
Oh, I love that.
That was great.
In a meltdown, I love sayingthat.

SPEAKER_00 (23:01):
You know it's a real meltdown when that happens.
Take

SPEAKER_02 (23:03):
my microphone off me.
Take my microphone off me.

SPEAKER_00 (23:07):
In the car with Terry and Chrissy, Chrissy
blames Terry's penis bar energyfor why Martine left.
She goes, well, you might havethrown her off because, you
know, you had just come from thepenis bar.

SPEAKER_02 (23:22):
And you had that big dick

SPEAKER_00 (23:24):
energy.
You had that big dick energy.
ice dick in your mouth and thenyou're rocked up and she might
have just gone, oh, actually, Ifeel a bit uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_02 (23:31):
Got to go.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (23:34):
Oh, God.
Like, I love this.
They're just like pontificatingabout why she left.
I'm like, guys, it's not that

SPEAKER_02 (23:38):
deep.
It's not that deep.
It's called I'm fucking boredand I really don't do anything I
don't want to do.
Exactly.
And it's probably like 12.30 atnight because they take so long.
I was supposed to have dinnerwith Gamble.
Shut the fuck up.
Many years ago and she's like,I'll be here, I'll be here, I'll
be here.
And I think me and my friend gotso fucking pissed drinking,

(24:01):
waiting for Gamble.
I was with Luke Wolfie, the son.
Yes! And we got so

SPEAKER_00 (24:06):
fucking pissed.
Oh my God, you and Luke, that'siconic.
It is iconic.
I

SPEAKER_02 (24:10):
hope they're doing well.
Where

SPEAKER_00 (24:11):
are they?
I don't know.
I haven't had eyes on Luke for awhile.
I did bump into Luke once at thePeel and we had a lovely dance
floor, like fun time.
It was cute.
He

SPEAKER_02 (24:21):
is the loveliest guy.
This was like many years ago.
This was like maybe seven yearsago, but He's really nice.

SPEAKER_00 (24:26):
Was he

SPEAKER_02 (24:27):
of age at that point?

SPEAKER_00 (24:28):
Oh, yeah.
We had his 18th birthday on theshow, didn't we?
Yeah, we did.
For his 21st or something.
Remember when Gamby

SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
did that really nice speech?
I loved that.
That was really nice.
That's very nice.
Oh, Gamby.
And I really like Wolfie when hewas...
Brucey, Wolfie, Wolfpup.
That was fun.

SPEAKER_00 (24:44):
Brucey's at fucking Baz Lemon's place.
Yeah.
Hanging out with Alex Perry andNapoleon Perdue.

SPEAKER_02 (24:50):
Well, it depends what kind of month we're in.
Because if every other part ofthe year they're in the Greek...
Silence.
Doing what?

SPEAKER_00 (24:58):
Fuck, I want Chica's life.

SPEAKER_02 (25:01):
Yeah.
No wonder she doesn't mind.
Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 (25:04):
I wouldn't either.
I wouldn't either.
She's getting around by thepool, though.
That's probably what will

SPEAKER_02 (25:07):
happen to me, if I'm honest.
True.
Because I don't see anyonethat's not gay.
Yeah, exactly.
I just think I didn't know astraight person until I was 22,
babe.
Oh, how fabulous.
And even then, I really had tolook, too.
I had to look.
They are out there.
They are out there, but they're

SPEAKER_00 (25:23):
nowhere near me.
I've got a force field.
Do you watch maths?

SPEAKER_02 (25:27):
No,

SPEAKER_00 (25:27):
no.
Oh, fuck, thank God.
I'm glad you don't because thatwould be, we would now then have
been derailed into that.
But I get my education about thestraights and how they're doing
from math.

SPEAKER_02 (25:38):
They're not doing okay, doll.
No, babe.
They're in liquidation, likefactory outlet.
Yeah.
You know that like JJ's jeans,it's a warehouse.
They're in liquidation.
They're Gloria jeans, thestraights, and they're in
liquidation.
Sorry, Dale.
I don't know where they are.
I honestly go outside and Irepel straight people.

SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
Same.
They look at me and they justwalk the other way.
The

SPEAKER_02 (26:04):
other way.
I can't tell you how manystraight people.
I don't know.
Yeah.
There's too many.
All of them.
All of them.
I do not know a single straightperson.
I don't think we're missing out.
No.
I think the light's just reallyturned on in me and it's just
shining too brightly, even forthe moths.

SPEAKER_00 (26:24):
Shine, shine, Shy, shy,

SPEAKER_02 (26:25):
shy.

SPEAKER_00 (26:26):
So Victoria is pretending to be excited about
being on a fast boat.
But then she realises that herPorsche at home can do the same
thing.
So

SPEAKER_02 (26:36):
it's kind of lame.
Take the kids to school.
Oh, by the way, I meant to sayVictoria.
Oh, when you talk.
With the husband.
I thought so.
Sorry.
I was like, Caroline's husband?
Why?
I always think about Caroline'sface because it's just so.
Yeah.
And then for some reason, no,no.
I was talking

SPEAKER_00 (26:52):
about.
Montana.
Yeah.
And her husband that's.
She sleeps the whole time she'son a trip because she drugs him.
In the south of France.
Love that.
Yeah.
She's like, honey, I've made youa special drink.
And he's like.
She just goes out partying.
Does whatever she wants.
I fucking love it.

SPEAKER_02 (27:05):
Go for a run.

SPEAKER_00 (27:06):
She is.
I can see Victoria Montana atthe White Lotus.

SPEAKER_02 (27:09):
Me too.

SPEAKER_00 (27:10):
Yeah.
With Martine.
And like, they just need oneother friend.

SPEAKER_02 (27:13):
One other friend.
Who's it going to be?
Jackie Gillies.

SPEAKER_00 (27:16):
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's definitely no one else fromthis cast, but that would be a
little threesy that I could see.
Would

SPEAKER_02 (27:23):
you get a reading from Jackie's Gillies song?
See,

SPEAKER_00 (27:25):
okay, so have you seen her?
She's doing this Bali thing.
Yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (27:30):
my friend's really tempted to go.

SPEAKER_00 (27:31):
Oh, wait, should we fucking do it?
It's so expensive.
It's very expensive.
It's like 10 grand.
What?
It's like nine or something.
It's stupid.
Do you get a reading a day?
But you get involved in groupreadings.
which i'm like

SPEAKER_02 (27:47):
no

SPEAKER_00 (27:48):
no i want a one-on-one no for 10k 10k i want
one a day exactly

SPEAKER_02 (27:53):
10k i need a morning and an afternoon session yeah
10k

SPEAKER_00 (27:58):
but have you seen the promo for the promo video
for it

SPEAKER_01 (28:01):
yeah

SPEAKER_00 (28:01):
it's iconic it's like bad stock footage like
drone shots of bali and then herbeing like oh Hey, guys.
It's me,

SPEAKER_02 (28:11):
Jackie Gillies.

SPEAKER_00 (28:12):
Motherfuckers.

SPEAKER_02 (28:15):
I love Newcastle.
I'm a Newcastle girl.
And then she's like,

SPEAKER_00 (28:18):
I'm really nervous, but I'm also really fucking
excited because I'm going toBali, cunts, and you can come
too if you want.

SPEAKER_02 (28:25):
The most beautiful fucking place on earth.

SPEAKER_00 (28:29):
It's fucking stunning here and I'll give you
a group reading.

SPEAKER_02 (28:31):
And honestly, the happy hour at the hot wet pussy
in Kuta.
$1 Bob Marley shots.

SPEAKER_00 (28:36):
So it's almost worth it, like, honestly, just to be
in Bali with Jackie.

SPEAKER_02 (28:42):
Jackie Gillis.

SPEAKER_00 (28:42):
But I'm a real...
I would like a reading, but...
I'm such a cynical bitch.

SPEAKER_02 (28:47):
Do you want to hear something crazy?
Go on.
I went to a Northern Riverspopular sidekick just after
Christmas.

SPEAKER_00 (28:57):
Have they been on a reality show?
No.
Not a real

SPEAKER_02 (28:59):
sidekick.
Exactly.
But I get in there and she goes,that shoulder's out.
It's been out for four years.
You need to go and get it poppedback in this afternoon.
I went, okay.
And then she goes, last year atthe end of Melbourne Comedy
Festival, you had pneumonia.
I said, sorry.
She goes, you get toxic wastebuilt up in your ears.
That's why they get blocked.
It's not.
Shut up.
It's not wax.

(29:20):
And does it make your jaw tight?
And I go, yes.
Anyway, she goes, well, thatleaked down into your gut and it
gave you pneumonia.

SPEAKER_00 (29:27):
Fuck off.

SPEAKER_02 (29:29):
And then I went and got all the tests.
I went to the thing.
No.
They popped my shoulder back inthat afternoon, the physio.

SPEAKER_00 (29:35):
So she's the stalker.
And?
She's gone to every hospital upand down the East Coast.
The whole of New South Wales.
She's gotten every hospitalrecord and she's put together a
little story.
If

SPEAKER_02 (29:48):
you came to Dog Hunt in the last week of Melbourne
Comedy Festival, you sawdefinitely someone on the stage
with pneumonia.

SPEAKER_00 (29:55):
Wow.
Okay, so that's actually reallycrazy.

SPEAKER_02 (29:58):
That is crazy.
And so I'm fucking putting thoseeardrops in right now, darling.

SPEAKER_00 (30:03):
I have heard lots of experiences like this from other
people.
I've just never had one myself.
Totally.
So maybe when, if and when ithappens.
I really

SPEAKER_02 (30:12):
am very interested to see.
you get one

SPEAKER_00 (30:14):
alright

SPEAKER_02 (30:15):
I have a number

SPEAKER_00 (30:16):
for a harsh one you can donate now to my GoFundMe to
get me to Bali I

SPEAKER_02 (30:21):
reckon I would be so interested about what they have
to say about you oh my gosh

SPEAKER_00 (30:27):
she'd be shining it up

SPEAKER_02 (30:29):
she'd be shining it up

SPEAKER_00 (30:31):
I do love she started reading just halfway
through their healing sessionshe's like just looking at Terry
she's like oh yeah your grandmaMarie is here I died

SPEAKER_02 (30:39):
I died what's that on your shoulder it's a demon
it's a demon I want that demonto fuck off.
I love Gina Liano.
I'm

SPEAKER_00 (30:47):
actually possessed by a doyment.

SPEAKER_02 (30:48):
I might message Gina Liano today and say, do you want
to come to the show?

SPEAKER_00 (30:52):
Please do.
I

SPEAKER_02 (30:53):
wonder if she's still with that guy, the
geographically challenged

SPEAKER_00 (30:57):
one.
I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 (30:59):
It's what I like to call geographically challenged.

SPEAKER_00 (31:00):
There's not many men that could handle that much like
woman.

SPEAKER_02 (31:05):
No.

SPEAKER_00 (31:06):
Yeah, soz.

SPEAKER_02 (31:07):
No.

SPEAKER_00 (31:08):
Don't even think about it.
And that's fine.
Okay.
Where were we in this fuckingepisode?
Oh, this was so good.
They're in the fast boat.
Chrissy's like, oh, God.
Oh, no.
God.
Oh, yeah.
And then.
Doing Chewbacca.
She's

SPEAKER_02 (31:24):
like.

SPEAKER_00 (31:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (31:26):
Doing the Chewbacca.

SPEAKER_00 (31:27):
And then Victoria even lets out a reluctant

SPEAKER_02 (31:31):
woo,

SPEAKER_00 (31:32):
which she famously hates.
Hates.
Woo girls.
And then she goes inconfessional.
I may have, uh.
accidentally made a woo noisewhich i immediately regret she's
so iconic she's so iconic thenwe hop on some dirt buggies i
was like okay they've really gotthe two-for-one deal the boats
and the buggies and the shootingyou get your three activities

(31:54):
you bang them out in one morning

SPEAKER_02 (31:56):
yep yep yep the producers would have been like
get your branding guys put it in

SPEAKER_00 (32:00):
yep thank you get it in shot Kate gets a mud
moustache.

SPEAKER_02 (32:05):
That's it.
What about one of them who said,yeah, I'm actually quite
attracted to her.
It's the jawline.
It's the jawline.
I'm going, stop.
Don't say that too loud.
She'll bloody crack your arm.

SPEAKER_00 (32:18):
And then, yeah.
But then she's like, keeps goingon about how hungover she is.
And I'm like, how many marks didthey have?
Because the...
Like, this is my problem withthis show.
The cameras stop rolling andthey all just keep partying.
I'm like, guys, I need thesefucking union camera operators
to suck it up and work allnight.
Because the girls are doing...

SPEAKER_02 (32:39):
What is the law now?
It's two and a half drinks

SPEAKER_00 (32:41):
per episode.
Woke culture's gone too far.

SPEAKER_02 (32:44):
I know.
But maths introduced a newlegislation where you can't
have...
Did they really?
Yeah, it's two and a halfstandard drinks.
No wonder television

SPEAKER_00 (32:53):
is shit now.

SPEAKER_02 (32:54):
No wonder people aren't throwing their fake legs
across the room.
exactly the only thing that'sfake about me is

SPEAKER_00 (32:59):
that

SPEAKER_02 (33:01):
you're so right

SPEAKER_00 (33:02):
they need

SPEAKER_02 (33:02):
to just

SPEAKER_00 (33:03):
yeah

SPEAKER_02 (33:03):
can we Can we sort that out?
Can we sort that out?
Or just maybe if they sign adisclaimer.
But yeah, because of maths.

SPEAKER_00 (33:10):
Yeah, I mean, yeah.
Back in my day.
That show is hooked.
Yeah.
There was a bloke that likepunched a hole in a wall this
season.
And they were like, you canstay.
And everyone was like, excuse

SPEAKER_02 (33:22):
me.
That's not allowed.
I thought that would have beenlike call the cops.

SPEAKER_00 (33:25):
Right.
Well, there is actually a policeinvestigation into it.
Really?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (33:30):
That's fair.
It's fucked.
That's fucked.
Yeah.
Anyway.
That's so bad.
Can everyone just fucking settledown?

SPEAKER_00 (33:37):
I know, settle down.
But then I do want to see winebeing thrown.
It's a real, you know.

SPEAKER_02 (33:42):
I missed that one.
I watched that season with KingDingaling.
What's her?
Who do you think you are?
King Dingaling.
King Dingaling?
It's a real, like, the firstseason of maths.

SPEAKER_00 (33:56):
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
Cyril.
Oh, Cyril.
Cyclone Cyril.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's iconic.
Who do you think you

SPEAKER_02 (34:02):
are?
King

SPEAKER_00 (34:02):
Dingaling.
There's been a few Cyril, like,knockoffs.
Great, yeah.
Over the years, but she remains.
The

SPEAKER_02 (34:11):
most successful one.
She's still together with herpartner, aren't they?
Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 (34:14):
I think so.
And they have a son.
This season we had Jackie, whowas...
incredible television with thecrazy eyes and she just like
just cried at every moment likeshe went they did like home
visits she saw the guy's houseand she was like she starts
crying he's like that's right

SPEAKER_01 (34:33):
she

SPEAKER_02 (34:34):
just looks like he's been lonely

SPEAKER_00 (34:36):
yes

SPEAKER_02 (34:36):
she's like

SPEAKER_00 (34:37):
it looks like an old person's

SPEAKER_02 (34:40):
home because he's so lonely oh my god

SPEAKER_00 (34:42):
i saw that you are Amazing.

SPEAKER_02 (34:45):
Amazing.
And who was the star of lastyear?
Lucinda Lyne.
Yeah.
Her and Tim.
Tim.
Tim.
Yeah.
Tim Sims.
Tim Sims.

SPEAKER_00 (34:55):
Then they go shooting and I'm like, this is
one too many.
This is three too manyactivities.
I would have been, I would havenot done any of the activities.
Very

SPEAKER_02 (35:05):
tiring.
Yeah.
I don't know if I would havebeen able to shoot that plugger.
I was very surprised.
Fuck no.

SPEAKER_01 (35:12):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (35:12):
Victoria is funny.
Victoria picks up that gun.
She's like.
I can tell she kind of went toLoretto, which is like a really
grammar school or King coupleand was just like really into
that culture and the sport andstuff.
And then thought, you know what?
Now just, you know, go into thatcycle of life, marry.
And then my girls would be likethat too.

SPEAKER_00 (35:34):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (35:35):
Yeah.
Looked pristine.
Fabulous hair.
Who's doing the hair?
Who's doing the

SPEAKER_00 (35:41):
hair?
Well, this is my question.
Is there glam?
That's what I want to know.
Because on all the USfranchises, they show off their
glam.
They also tell you how mucheverything costs, which is like
a little bit, but kind of fun.
But these women, it's all verysecret squirrel, isn't it?
Yes, yes.
I want to see the gays that aredoing your hair.
Yeah.

(36:01):
Put them on the show.
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (36:02):
Duh.

SPEAKER_00 (36:04):
Duh.
I want to see, I want to knowhow much everything you own
costs.

SPEAKER_02 (36:07):
Yeah.
Because I'm like, there's no...
Unless Victoria's like reallygood type A, the hair just looks
fucking stunning every

SPEAKER_01 (36:16):
day.
Except that little feather.

SPEAKER_02 (36:18):
Oh, that's interesting.
Rip that out.
But that's what I mean.
Which gays influence that?

SPEAKER_00 (36:24):
Which tree of life gay has influenced that?
I think that may have been astraight.
Hence why.
A Bikram yoga teacher.
Yeah.
I think a gay does the hair andthen at the very last minute, a
straight just walks in and goes,do you know what that's missing?
Just...
Grabs out a gun, shoots alyrebird on sight.
Just takes the feather out andpops it in.

SPEAKER_02 (36:43):
A bit of flair.
Yeah.
A kiwi, literally.

SPEAKER_00 (36:47):
From the gun club.
Yeah.
Yes.
The double bed gun club,darling.

SPEAKER_02 (36:52):
Two beds, one stone.

SPEAKER_00 (36:53):
That's

SPEAKER_02 (36:53):
the

SPEAKER_00 (36:54):
name of

SPEAKER_02 (36:54):
the double

SPEAKER_00 (36:55):
bed gun club.
Two beds, one stone.
It's also a wine

SPEAKER_02 (36:57):
bar.

SPEAKER_00 (36:59):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (37:00):
Now that wine bar, whose friends were there?
Oh, lucky we're in a privateroom.
Lucky we're in a private room.
Well, that was the episodebefore.
Yeah.
Oh, they're all just merginginto one.

SPEAKER_00 (37:09):
They are.
Well, they're still in NewZealand.
I feel like at this rate, I'm soglad we're going back to Sydney
next week because I'm prettyfar, like I'm bored of New
Zealand.
I'm bored of New Zealand.
As much as Martine's antics havebeen fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 (37:21):
It's very grey and gloomy over there, isn't it?
It is.
No wonder they're all wearingyetis.

UNKNOWN (37:27):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (37:28):
And the winged eyeliner.
Who's doing that?
Victoria, who's doing the wingedeyeliner?
I think that bird that you havein your hair did it.
Because it's looking a littlebit winky-winky.

SPEAKER_00 (37:42):
Next up is Martine and Kate having a little kiki.
Because Martine is not mentallyready to rejoin the group.

SPEAKER_02 (37:51):
Go back to the steak.

SPEAKER_00 (37:52):
She loves a one-on-one bitch, which is like
I see a lot of myself in that.
Like put me in a group and I'mlike, so nice.
Get me one-on-one and I willtell you fucking everything.
Everything you want to know.
Everything.

SPEAKER_02 (38:03):
Everything you want to know.
But then when she sits at thetable, God, she can really drop
a paragraph.
It's amazing.
Yeah, she can.
She knows how to speak it.
Mm-hmm.
we keep circling back we keepcircling back doll you've
rehearsed this and it's fireit's like wow do you have a
journalism degree

SPEAKER_00 (38:19):
she's she's it's expert

SPEAKER_02 (38:22):
it's expert level everyone's gagged everyone's
gagged

SPEAKER_00 (38:25):
to kate she's like to kate uh she's like she
describes the energy of thegroup as a frenetic ping pong
match and she's like and kate'skind of like well you've just
kind of got to be a bit louderdoll which i was like good
advice kate

SPEAKER_01 (38:42):
yeah

SPEAKER_00 (38:42):
that's real that's good that's country yeah then
the girlies meet for dinnersally's like i hope martine
comes but who knows and then i'mlike can we just give her an
executive producer credit atthis point because sally is like
narrating the whole show

SPEAKER_02 (38:59):
she's worked in tv for a long time and it shows and
it shows

SPEAKER_00 (39:04):
yeah she's actually growing on me last season sally
was did nothing for me no thisseason she's actually like

SPEAKER_02 (39:10):
she's cottoned on

SPEAKER_00 (39:11):
she's cottoned on she's Playing the game.
Yeah.
She's had a few little momentswhere I'm like, fuck yeah,
Sally.
Yeah, yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (39:16):
yeah.
Get him.
Get him.
Get him, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think her opposite is Terry,who knows exactly what they want
and will even smile into thecamera when she kind of stirs
the pot.
Yeah.
So good.
So good.
But, you know, it's going to bereally frustrating repeating
hitting that dead horse whenSally goes...

(39:36):
that, oh, you know, you're notreally mature until who's upset
about it.
Shut up.
Do something funnier.

SPEAKER_00 (39:44):
Get a male stripper in.
I know.
Get a

SPEAKER_02 (39:48):
mechanical bull at the tequila bar.
Let

SPEAKER_00 (39:50):
someone knock their front teeth out.
How do we not work on this show?
Seriously.
There needs

SPEAKER_02 (39:55):
to be a Bogan version.
I think.
Yeah.
It's too fun.
It's too rich.
There needs to be like a Bogan,like a nouveau riche one.

SPEAKER_00 (40:04):
Totally.

SPEAKER_02 (40:04):
Nouveau riche Housewives of Sydney.

SPEAKER_00 (40:07):
That

SPEAKER_02 (40:08):
would be a

SPEAKER_00 (40:08):
good idea.
They could have like class-basedlike tiers.

SPEAKER_02 (40:11):
Totally.
Totally.
And like, you know, it's Fridaynight, RSL night, bitches.
We're going to do the meatraffle.
Then we're going to get mimosas.
So good.
And then we're going to finishon karaoke.
That's what I want to watch.
Can you imagine?
Yeah.
Where they actually go out.
Where they actually go out.
Yeah.
I actually do stuff.
I've actually done a rail from aguy in a fedora.

(40:32):
That was weird.

SPEAKER_00 (40:37):
Well, look, Martine probably won't turn up for the
rest of the trip, which I thinkwas wishful thinking on her
part.
But she comes in.
With a fabulous

SPEAKER_02 (40:45):
smoky eye.

SPEAKER_00 (40:46):
Loved the smoky eye.
She actually looked so kind.
So divine.
With the red lips.
I was like,

SPEAKER_02 (40:51):
did you get a little bit of filler as well?
That's what

SPEAKER_00 (40:54):
she was doing.
She just needed a couple ofhours out.
She faked a storm out so shecould go and get her lips
plumped.
Which

SPEAKER_02 (41:01):
is commitment.
I've done worse.
Oh, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 (41:03):
I've done worse.
Martine says she's ready toexplain herself.

SPEAKER_02 (41:07):
Yeah.
If you'll let me.
If you'll fucking let me get aword in.
Stop interrupting me.

SPEAKER_00 (41:12):
Stop interrupting me.
She's like, I've had a reallyrelaxing day just buying sheep
toys for my kids.

SPEAKER_02 (41:19):
For my kids.
Because that's all

SPEAKER_00 (41:21):
I have to worry about usually.
That's a shit gift.
That's like an airport, like,you don't love your kids.
Yeah.
Like, come on.

SPEAKER_02 (41:28):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (41:29):
Give them something better.

SPEAKER_02 (41:29):
What?
Yeah, I don't even know what youcould possibly get in New
Zealand.

SPEAKER_00 (41:38):
I don't know.
Some nice possum fur.

SPEAKER_02 (41:43):
Booties.
Booties.
Some wool.
A sheepskin vest.
A pashmina.
A pashmina.

SPEAKER_00 (41:49):
Actually, that'd be a nice gift.

SPEAKER_02 (41:50):
A pashmina in the print.
Cheetah.
A cheetah pashmina.

SPEAKER_00 (41:54):
A cheetah pashmina.
A

SPEAKER_02 (41:55):
cheetah pashmina, sure.
Throw over the shoulder.

SPEAKER_00 (41:58):
Fabulous.
She starts off with an apology,which I was like, snaps.
I wasn't expecting that.
She's like, I would like tostart with an apology.
But then it nose dives intoinsanity.
Like, there's no other way todescribe this.
It's like, she's like...
Oh, so that's normal, is it?
Just to go out on a girls' nightand have margaritas and talk

(42:21):
about dicks.
Is that normal behaviour, is it?
I'm like,

SPEAKER_01 (42:24):
yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (42:26):
bitch.
That's like primary school.
That is like 18-year-olds goingout for the very first time in
their lives.
That's exactly what will happenin the first five minutes.

SPEAKER_00 (42:38):
And she's really furthering my...
theory that she is not human noshe's been programmed by robot
yeah by a stepford wife robotbecause that to me was alarming

SPEAKER_02 (42:51):
that was

SPEAKER_00 (42:53):
and then she just this is so wild she's like kind
of patronizing everyone i lovewhen she's like to terry well
you're a lot spicier than me andi'm like And she means it as an
absolute dagger.
But Terry's like, thank you.
Thanks, doll.
I

SPEAKER_02 (43:13):
am a lot spicier than you.
I fucking better be.
I fucking

SPEAKER_00 (43:17):
better be.
In conventional, she's like...
Look, you can go me for myspiciness, but I'm not going to
go you for your fuckingblandness.
And I said, Terry, eight withzero crumbs remaining.

SPEAKER_02 (43:29):
Zero crumbs with a fabulous winged eyeliner.
Thank you very much.
The beef kind of stays queen,let's be honest.
She does with that middle part,slick down,

SPEAKER_00 (43:38):
slick back.
But yeah, this was crazy.
Like, I love anyone that startswith an apology and then just
kind of starts.
Oh,

SPEAKER_02 (43:46):
then does a tinsky forward,

SPEAKER_00 (43:47):
does a front flip.
Does a little

SPEAKER_02 (43:48):
whoop.
Yeah, perfect.

SPEAKER_00 (43:54):
Oh, no.
Then it kicks off mainly betweenMartine and Chrissy.
But, like, everyone is kind ofinvolved.
And this is where I love Sallybecause Sally's kind of being
firm but fair.
She's a bit like, well, we kindof were just drinking mugs and
being fun.
Yeah.
And that, for some reason,triggered you.
So, you are the one that needsto do the explaining right now.
Yeah.

(44:14):
Like, no one else can.

SPEAKER_02 (44:16):
Totally.

SPEAKER_00 (44:17):
She starts reading everyone's character.
This is Martine's issue here.
She's going really personal.

SPEAKER_02 (44:23):
Yeah, she

SPEAKER_00 (44:24):
is.
I think when you...
upset with someone you need tolike isolate the behavior like
if she just said you guysweren't like asking me any
questions or like giving me anin or whatever i'd be like sure

SPEAKER_02 (44:36):
yeah

SPEAKER_00 (44:37):
but she literally was just like well chrissy
you're a fucking dumb slut thatalways talks about dicks

SPEAKER_02 (44:41):
and your legs are wide

SPEAKER_00 (44:43):
open so it's kind of hard to like be around you for
that reason could you just stopbeing you like she's literally
offended by These women'spersonalities.

SPEAKER_02 (44:53):
People speaking.
Yeah.
Do you reckon it's a bit of likemisogyny?
Internalised misogyny.
Internalised misogyny.
I think it would be.
Could be.
And it's just from literallysimply being programmed to be
fit into the patriarchy andbenefit from the patriarchy
because she says she is whereshe is from making the right

SPEAKER_00 (45:12):
choices.
Well, she's reading a lot ofJordan Peterson.

UNKNOWN (45:17):
Oh.

SPEAKER_00 (45:18):
She's probably listening to

SPEAKER_02 (45:20):
a bit of Andrew Tate.
I was like,

SPEAKER_00 (45:22):
where are

SPEAKER_02 (45:23):
you getting all this information

SPEAKER_00 (45:24):
from?
She's like, well, it's aresearch psychologist.
It

SPEAKER_02 (45:28):
sounds like you're hanging out with your husband
and a couple of his friends.
I reckon.
And making them a fewsandwiches.
Too much?

SPEAKER_00 (45:36):
So

SPEAKER_02 (45:36):
wild.
Yeah, I think it might be alittle bit of internal misogyny.
Because I think if being quietis polite and the right way to
be.

SPEAKER_00 (45:44):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (45:45):
then we're fucked.
We're minimizing ourselves,aren't we girls?

SPEAKER_00 (45:49):
Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 (45:50):
Imagine the dolls around Martine.
We would sink her ship in asecond.
She wouldn't last a second.
It would be you shouting downthe corridor, Yeah, diva! She'd
explode.
The head would pop off.
The head would pop off.

SPEAKER_00 (46:05):
Me chasing her for a selfie.
For some tips.
The conversation then turnsbriefly to sharing a villa.
So I didn't realise they weremoving to another location.
For what reason, I don't know.
But here we are.
And Victoria delivers thisiconic line where she says, I
don't share men.
I've never done Uber share,which I love.

(46:28):
That's what it's called now,Uber share.
And I certainly don't shareaccommodation.
Fucking amazing.

SPEAKER_02 (46:34):
Amazing.
Look, I've definitely sharedaccommodation, but I've never
done an Uber share.
Have you?
I

SPEAKER_00 (46:43):
have done an Uber share, but I don't do it anymore
because it's...

SPEAKER_02 (46:46):
It's actually not even worth

SPEAKER_00 (46:47):
it.
It literally comes up with thething saying...
Save$1.
Yes.
And I'm like.

SPEAKER_02 (46:52):
What?
The other day I was like, I'lldo an UberShare because I've got
to get to Balaclava from thecity.
You

SPEAKER_00 (46:58):
might get groped, but you'll save$1.

SPEAKER_02 (47:00):
You'll save$4.
$4, please.
And it's going to take maybetwice the time.
Can't even get a sushi roll forthat anymore.
Exactly.
Fuck me dead.
You're going to have to wink atthe barista for a piccolo under
$4.
Fuck off.
What are you doing, Uber?

SPEAKER_00 (47:15):
Yeah, fuck off with

SPEAKER_02 (47:16):
that.
It needs to be like$10 cheaper.
$15 cheaper.

SPEAKER_00 (47:21):
I'd love to see Victoria Montana in an Uber
share talking to a stranger.
Talking to a stranger.
Some unwashed riffraff.

SPEAKER_01 (47:29):
On a night out.
Jesus.

SPEAKER_00 (47:31):
Victoria stands up for Martine here, though.
She goes Sally forshit-starring.
She goes, you were veryeloquent.
You look great.
You sound great.
But...
You being a fucking shitstirrer.
And I was like.
Just

SPEAKER_02 (47:46):
because you do it in a nice voice.
Just because you do it in a nicevoice.
And I went, here we fucking go.
Here we go.
SPS on demand.
It

SPEAKER_00 (47:55):
was SBS On Demand.
SBS On Demand.
Like, at least she is doing itin a nice voice because Martine
is just reading these bitchesfulfilled and it's really rude.
Yeah.
And in like a tone.

SPEAKER_02 (48:06):
Yeah, in a tone.
Honestly, I'm not on anyone'sside this season because
everyone's like really being acunt.

SPEAKER_00 (48:13):
Big time.
Really

SPEAKER_02 (48:14):
being bitchy in their own thing.
And about nothing.
Because I'm then on Kate's sideand then I'm not on Kate's side
and then I'm on Chrissy's sideand then I'm on Terry's side and
I'm like, there's no clearvillain because everyone is
having Nebula moment.
At a drop of a hat.
At a drop of a hat.

SPEAKER_00 (48:29):
If anyone really has a claim to be pissed off this
season, it's Sally.
She's literally had peoplelike...
you know, question her characterbecause she's had cancer.
That's like, do you know what Imean?
Yeah.
That's actually fucked.
And that's been swept on.
And she was so good about that.
She, if she wanted to, she couldhave

SPEAKER_02 (48:50):
gone,

SPEAKER_00 (48:50):
slapped the shit out of Victoria Montana.
And we all would have been likediva.

SPEAKER_02 (48:54):
Diva.

SPEAKER_00 (48:55):
Down.
We'd be like, violence is notcool, but, That's kind of
alright.

SPEAKER_02 (48:59):
Yeah,

SPEAKER_00 (49:00):
yeah, yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
But no, she's been very nice.
So I'm kind of like...
Like the shit these other womenget upset about is wild.
Like Nicole being late.
And then like this.
Or like...
There's got to be more, right?
Yeah.
That we're not seeing.
Because they turn the camerasoff after 9.15pm when the union

(49:20):
law is fucking kicking.
When

SPEAKER_02 (49:21):
Chrissy put her fist down and was really emotional
about Nicole cutting people off,that trauma, that wound has got
to be about 17 years old.

SPEAKER_00 (49:30):
Oh, yeah.
Because that flip went...
Because didn't she say they wereacquaintances or something?
She's like, we barely know eachother.
And she's like, bitch, we'vegone on family trips or
whatever.
Yeah,

SPEAKER_02 (49:40):
yeah, yeah.
And you could just tell In hereyes, she's just been so
frustrated with Nicole forfucking years and years and
years.
Nicole's pretty frustrating.
Very frustrating and completelyoblivious or acts like that.

SPEAKER_00 (49:53):
Oh, God.
Anyway, Martine is one coldbitch.
Chrissy is like...
She speaks in monologues.
Like, do we just need to sithere and listen like we're the
disciples?
I was like, Chrissy...
With the religious references.
Then the conversation turns toJordan Peterson, whoever the

(50:16):
fuck that is, and this confusingidea that if you haven't had a
child, you stay a child.
I can

SPEAKER_02 (50:25):
attest to that.
If I'm honest, I still reckonI'm 17.
I can honestly attest to that.
I

SPEAKER_00 (50:34):
mean...

SPEAKER_02 (50:34):
It's not the truth, but I can't say anything.

SPEAKER_00 (50:38):
It's just really dumb.
And, like, firstly, whocommissioned this research?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (50:43):
And also...
What?
You can just tell it's not thetruth.
Like...
I know so many fucking stupididiots who have kids.

SPEAKER_00 (50:52):
Well, that

SPEAKER_02 (50:52):
was what Sally said.
And do you know why they hadkids?
Because they were stupid

SPEAKER_00 (50:56):
idiots.
They did it for the Centrelinkpayments.
Yeah.
I love that Sally was like,well, you know, she pretty much
said that like people arepopping them out.
And they don't know how to lookafter them.
I'm like, yes, Sally.
Yeah.
Correct.

SPEAKER_02 (51:07):
Honestly, some of the most mature people I know
have said, you know what?
I'm not going to have a kid.
And God, the world is a goodplace.
Thank you so much.
You

SPEAKER_00 (51:16):
did us such a service.
Keeping your seed in your pants.
Thank you so much.
Dr.
Kate is like...
all right, she's like, well,it's a fucked hypothesis and I'd
like to see the method ofresearch.

SPEAKER_02 (51:27):
And if anyone knows about research, it's probably
the one with a master's degreein veterinary science.

SPEAKER_00 (51:32):
Exactly.
She does get...
Yeah, overlooked a lot.
I would be just as frustrated asshe is with this group.

SPEAKER_02 (51:39):
I'm surprised she lasted this long.

SPEAKER_00 (51:41):
Same.
I'm surprised she's on thisseason.
She's a big fan.
She loves Housewives.
I think she's just like in itbecause she's like, this is
going to be fun.
Yeah.
And she gets enough fun momentsout of it.
Exactly.
And you

SPEAKER_02 (51:49):
do get to do like, go on the mountain, suck the
penis off with the tequila, youknow.

SPEAKER_00 (51:56):
You and your penis bar.
Just really killing the vibewith your penis bar energy,
Terry.
She came in hot.
What a fun-filled dinner withMartine.
We love it.
We love to see it.
Then Victoria Montano gets herevil eye tattoo to ward off
jealousy.
Actually,

SPEAKER_02 (52:12):
that could look quite nice, actually.
I love the blue tones in that,especially the lighter one.
I thought that actually looksquite nice.

SPEAKER_00 (52:18):
Martine's like, I would never

SPEAKER_02 (52:19):
get a tattoo.
Never.
God, I love that sociopath.

SPEAKER_00 (52:22):
I think it's because she doesn't have skin.
It's actually like a syntheticsilicone.
Siliphane.
Yeah.
It was made in a lab.
Yeah.
So she can't actually get atattoo.
Oh, no way.
They can program them.
There's like upgrades comingsoon.

SPEAKER_02 (52:40):
But they haven't cracked it yet.

SPEAKER_00 (52:41):
Yeah.
They're not available in thisregion.

SPEAKER_02 (52:44):
No.
Yeah.
Sorry, Hannah.

SPEAKER_00 (52:47):
The other girls talk about the C word.
And Chrissy also reveals thatshe has had a cancer journey.
And then they get a little bitemotional.
I like these scenes where theyactually talk real.
It's a little bit

SPEAKER_02 (53:00):
more real and not like...
hypotheses on Jordan Peterson

SPEAKER_00 (53:05):
exactly and good on Chrissy because like she would
have fought the temptation hardto every time Sally's talking
about the big C to go oh me Ihad it too bitch yeah but she
didn't yeah what a hero

SPEAKER_02 (53:19):
what a hero yeah I really like Chrissy I like her
loudness and her brashness andbut she would be heaps of fun
and I like to have fun she's sofunny I think she's rational I
think she's reasonable

SPEAKER_00 (53:31):
yeah

SPEAKER_02 (53:32):
she's a bit of a that's

SPEAKER_00 (53:32):
all it comes down to like montano and martine they
hate woo girls and these othergirls are woo girls and that's
why they don't get on it's likethey're trying to act like
they're really like classy andfancy and they don't talk about
dicks but i'm like you realizewe want you to like it's fine if

(53:53):
you do

SPEAKER_02 (53:54):
totally

SPEAKER_00 (53:55):
Just do it.
Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 (53:57):
What else are we going to talk about?
Okay, what else are we going totalk about?

SPEAKER_00 (54:02):
Honestly, on a girl's trip, I don't know.
I

SPEAKER_02 (54:03):
can't name one thing.

SPEAKER_00 (54:07):
Just, yeah.
Mainly just dick.

SPEAKER_02 (54:10):
Get Jackie Gillies back and let's start doing
readings.

SPEAKER_00 (54:13):
They should have gotten Jackie on this trip.

SPEAKER_02 (54:15):
And they should have got her doing readings.
Two spare spots.
I want to know what the readingwould have been for Martine.
And I bet she would have comeback going, I can't read her.
Yeah.
Something's wrong.
It's because she's a robot.

SPEAKER_00 (54:26):
Exactly.
And then maybe that's why theycouldn't have Martine at the
healing session.
Because they'd figure it out.

SPEAKER_02 (54:33):
Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 (54:34):
In production.
They can't have their robotplant.
That's why the healing session

SPEAKER_02 (54:38):
and went so tits up.

SPEAKER_00 (54:40):
Mixed messages.
Then the girls arrive at CascadaVilla, darling.
She, she, she, she, she,darling.

SPEAKER_02 (54:48):
We're going to move to another villa.
It's going to be really chic.

SPEAKER_00 (54:51):
I'd be so confused if I was on a trip and I was
like, okay, now we're just...
staying somewhere else in thesame place, I'd be like, I don't
want to have to pack up all myshit.
Sorry, guys.
It's annoying.

SPEAKER_02 (55:00):
Yeah, the promo says we need more money, so we're
going to go to this other villabecause they need some
advertising.

SPEAKER_00 (55:06):
There was a one-night maximum at Villa
Cascada.
Sally calls it Lux on steroids.

SPEAKER_02 (55:15):
Wow.

SPEAKER_00 (55:16):
Which I was like, I mean, it did look pretty hot.

SPEAKER_02 (55:19):
Yeah, it looked pretty good.

SPEAKER_00 (55:20):
It looks cold.
It

SPEAKER_02 (55:22):
looks chic.

SPEAKER_00 (55:23):
There was a pool.
Or was it the other villa?
One villa had a pool.
That infinity pool?
And I'm like, no one is usingthat pool.

SPEAKER_02 (55:28):
That infinity pool, yeah.
Unless it's heated.
It's very confusing.
Imagine heating that doll.
That was like literally 300meters long.
Yeah, yeah.
That was so long.
That's crazy.
It's bigger than an ice penis.
That's crazy.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Slide into that.

SPEAKER_00 (55:46):
Martine and Victoria are immediately being killjoy
judgy cunts.
And they're like, oh, we can'tstay here.
They're going to get drunk.
They're going to be rowdy.

SPEAKER_02 (55:56):
They're going to be drinking all night.
And then it cuts to Chrissy.
And they're going to look overthe fence in our room.

SPEAKER_00 (56:03):
It cuts to Chrissy and she's like,

SPEAKER_02 (56:04):
one bottle of vodka or

SPEAKER_00 (56:05):
two, ladies.

UNKNOWN (56:07):
What?

SPEAKER_02 (56:08):
The champagne goes.
So good.
Kate's got it.

SPEAKER_00 (56:11):
Then back to the Bobsy Twins and Victoria is
like, oh, I just really don'twant you, Martine, to get piled
on again.
And I'm like, piled on?
She fucking started that.
Like, I'm sorry.
She walked into that dinner witha machine gun.
Yeah.
And then Victoria's like, I hopethey don't jab at you.
Come on.

(56:33):
Like, I love these ladies andtheir delusion.
And their delulu.
Wow.

SPEAKER_02 (56:38):
But play.
Yeah.
Yeah, see, I'm not on anyone'sside and usually I am.

SPEAKER_00 (56:44):
No, neither, because it's just so fun.
Because it just keeps going,what, what, what?
I'm just glad there's tensionand I'm glad it's, like, fresh.
Because they've been floggingthe same storylines for a while.
So I'm glad there's some newshit going on.
Victoria's like, so about therooms.
These rooms are fucking hideous.
And I...
you couldn't pay me.

(57:05):
to sleep in them.

SPEAKER_02 (57:06):
And now I've got to go and fucking get a new villa.

SPEAKER_00 (57:10):
Oh my God, when she was complaining, now I've got to
get another villa.

SPEAKER_02 (57:13):
I went,

SPEAKER_00 (57:13):
oh.
As if they hadn't organised italready.
She said, Martina and I aregoing to get our own villa.
She was so much joy indelivering that news.
We're going to get our ownplace.
It was great.

SPEAKER_02 (57:23):
Sally's face, electrocuted.
Like, what more could you want?
Your own bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 (57:28):
In this year of Outlawed 2025, the housing
crisis.
It's hard out here.
She's like, I can't be in thisvilla.
So good.
She tries to justify it andlet's be real.
It's just like them flexingtheir cash, which is great.

SPEAKER_02 (57:42):
Yeah, which is fine.
She's like, oh, quickly, at adrop of a hat, let's get
something tonight.

SPEAKER_00 (57:47):
I love Dr.
Kate.
It's like, who cares?
Fucking let them go.
I was like, yes, that would havebeen me.
I would have been Dr.
Kate.
I would have been like, theywant to go.
I

SPEAKER_02 (57:53):
don't

SPEAKER_00 (57:54):
want them here judging us.
Like, go to your own villa andbe boring.
Be in bed by nine.
You

SPEAKER_02 (57:59):
don't want to be going around on eggshells.

SPEAKER_00 (58:01):
We're doing fucking T-bombs all

SPEAKER_02 (58:04):
night.
We're doing T-bombs.
on night we're doing stuff we'reputting on music come on this is
on arena tv bitch

SPEAKER_00 (58:13):
amazing martine and victoria check into their new
villa and they're like i betthey're talking about penises
right now they're probably

SPEAKER_02 (58:24):
talking about penises

SPEAKER_00 (58:25):
big dick energy and then it cuts back to oh no
before that she's like there'sactually nothing funny about a
penis

SPEAKER_02 (58:34):
I'm like, you sure, doll?
Pretty sure every single part ofit is funny.
Every single part of a penis isfunny.

SPEAKER_00 (58:42):
And they've got these faces up there like, yeah,
it's actually, yeah, it'snothing funny about a penis at
all.

SPEAKER_02 (58:49):
Imagine those two at a bachelorette with the penis
straws and the penis necklacesand the penis bobblehead.
What would they do?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I honestly don't know.
And

SPEAKER_00 (59:03):
then, of course, it cuts to Chrissy being like,

SPEAKER_01 (59:06):
baby, ladies.
Come

SPEAKER_02 (59:08):
on.

SPEAKER_00 (59:09):
Big ones.
We're like big ones, yeah?
Girfy.
Big bit of girth on her.
If he

SPEAKER_02 (59:13):
has no money, how big's his penis?
Because money comes, money goes.
But you know what stays thesame?
A big

SPEAKER_00 (59:21):
cock.
And that's why we love our girlChrissy.
She knows what's up.

SPEAKER_02 (59:27):
We love it.
Big kissy.

SPEAKER_00 (59:29):
Big kissy to Chrissy.
Dr.
Kate says she's had a fun timewith the girls.
And she also says that it'sprobably because Caroline and
Nicole weren't there.
Yeah.
And I'm like, tea.

SPEAKER_02 (59:42):
Tea.
Sorry, but going on a holidaywith Nicole, I would feel like I
was with my nana.

SPEAKER_00 (59:47):
And look what happened

SPEAKER_02 (59:48):
last time.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (59:49):
That wasn't chic.

SPEAKER_02 (59:51):
Just the most unfun...
The wine's kicking in now.
The most unfun person to ever beinvited anywhere.
Yeah.
So serious all the time.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:01):
And then Caroline can party, but because of the
energy between her and Katethat's off, that would have
probably just dominated thewhole trip.
So because we didn't get that,so it was a good...
production choice i think yeahif that's what happened who the
fuck knows but like to be likewe'll bench these two and then

(01:00:23):
some new shit can start so nowwe've got you know brilliant
martin v the people which ifucking

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:30):
love i love it i love it sociopath versus the
delulu and

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:36):
next week we'll go back to sydney which is good
yeah and it looks like it's allgonna fucking kick off between
the biv and caroline and i can'twait i

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:43):
can't wait i can't wait and terry goes let's
fucking go we're here

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:47):
to do the job she takes the fucking hoop earrings
off

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:50):
and she goes looks into the camera and goes watch
this Yes.
She gives them what they

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:56):
want.
I can't

SPEAKER_02 (01:00:58):
wait.
I've been busy, I guess.

UNKNOWN (01:01:03):
Ding.
Ding.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:04):
She's a fucking star.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:05):
Bring Minichiello back too.
What a honey.
I know.
Come on.
The king and queen of Sydney.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:12):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:12):
Of the cross.
Do something fun.
Bring like John Abraham orsomething.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:18):
How have they not even done like a little Oxford
Street night?
Yeah, come on.
Like,

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:22):
hello.
Hello.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:22):
Get Minnie Cooper back on.

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:24):
Yeah, go on.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:25):
That's a threat.
Get Minnie to take him out on alittle walking tour, like a
little bar crawl.
Yeah.
It's homophobic if you don't.
And

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:32):
then, you know, they do like a bazooka competition.
petition

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:37):
yeah

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:38):
did you watch the season five of melbourne where
they took them to where they gocans or port douglas yeah and
then they did cane toad racingyeah that was amazing

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:49):
yeah come on we need shit like that we need stuff
like that

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:52):
yeah

SPEAKER_02 (01:01:52):
where yeah we need stuff like that we need stuff
like that especially with theseWe need a little

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:57):
bit.
The clay pigeons were not it.
No.
And yeah, them on a fast boat.
Like the helicopter was great.
That was good.
But yeah, girls trip, bit of aflop.
If Martine wasn't there to causechaos, this trip would have been
shit house.
Bit floppy.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:11):
Bit floppy.
It just looked cold and dark.
And a bit boring.
It was a bit boring.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:17):
Take them to the White Lotus in Thailand next
time.
Come on, do something funny.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:21):
You know, get Lisa Oldfoot out again.
Why don't we fucking drown?

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:25):
There was a fat man, an obese man, that came out.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:31):
I'm going, why did you have to say that?
Why is that relevant?

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:36):
Ruby Tease, you've been a delight.
Tell us, where can our listenersfind you and book tickets to
your fabulous comedy shows?
Come to my show.

SPEAKER_02 (01:02:45):
You'll fucking love it.
It's called Cooper Petey's LastShowgirl.
It's a real nostalgicAustraliana comedy from the 90s.
Can confirm.
Hilarious.
Thank God.
A little showgirl from CooperPetey walks her way up the dingo
fence and lands in a shantytownon the Rose Coast called Service
Paradise.
It's on at 9pm every nightunless you come on Sunday.
It's on at 8pm on Sunday night.
God's Day at the Greek 168Lonsdale Street.

(01:03:07):
But if you head to my Instagram,which is
rubyteastropicalversion.mp3,you'll be able to buy tickets in
the link in the bio.
Or just type in my name,rubyteast, T-E-Y-S, like keys
with a T, to the MelbourneComedy Festival website.
I'm there.
And honestly, strangers comeevery night and they fucking
love it.
Yes.
So you will

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:24):
too.
Of course I do.
Fuck, what a professional.
You know.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:28):
You know.
You know.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:29):
You know.
Well, thanks, doll.

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:31):
Gina Liana's coming.

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:33):
Yeah, Gina Liana will be there the night that you
go.
Exactly.
So, whenever you book...
She's been three times already.
You're guaranteed to

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:41):
see her.
What do you hope for thisseason?

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:45):
I...
Look, I'm just here for theride.
I'm really enjoying the additionof Martine.
Like, fag, fucking...
In my household, we are

SPEAKER_02 (01:03:55):
Martine...
Is

SPEAKER_00 (01:03:58):
our MVP.
Yeah, Martini's MVP at themoment.
Living for the Biv too.
Can't wait to see her throw downwith Caroline next week.
I want more.
I want to get to the bottom ofwhat happened at the intercom.
Right.
And I would like the producersto keep the cameras rolling.
Yes.
That's my one bit of feedback.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:15):
And I'd like everyone to sign that release
form so that they can have morethan two and a half drinks.
Oh, please.
Please.
Wouldn't even touch the scienceof Chewbacca.
And I would like you, everyonelistening, to say Star Wars
characters,

SPEAKER_00 (01:04:30):
who are they like?
We want to know.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:31):
R2-D2.

SPEAKER_00 (01:04:32):
Who is R2?
Who's Chewie?
Yoda.
Oh, no, sorry.
Chewie's taken.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:37):
Who's Yoda?
Darth Vader.
I reckon Nicole's Darth Vader.

UNKNOWN (01:04:41):
Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 (01:04:41):
Is that naughty?
No, that's good.
Because it's just like, oh, God,here he comes to fucking wreck
the day.
Let us know in the comments.
Yeah, cut him off.
Cut him off.
It's called Real Housewives ofFlog the Digger Horse.
Give us something.
But I think she's trying toweasel her way out.
Like they're phasing her out.
Because she's like, I've signedthe contract, but I can't be

(01:05:03):
bothered.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:05):
In

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:05):
the water.
See you later.
My two girls are at thesorority.
What am I going to do?
It's time for an identity crisisand I'm not going to have it on
television.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:14):
Exactly.
We wish you

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:16):
well,

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:16):
Nicole.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:16):
We do.
And I love your smoky eye.
That looks good with the blowoutbulb.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:23):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:24):
That combo really works for me.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:25):
Because when you're a classic like me, you don't
need a comeback.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:30):
I want to see her in Miss Universe 2003.
Where can we get those photos?
Release the tapes.
Chrissy was a really good friendwhen she was explaining that in
like the first or second season.
She was like, Nicole was likethe face of Australia.
It was changing, you know.
We were really embracing ourmigrants.
And I thought, what a goodfriend.
And now what have you done,Nicole?

(01:05:51):
Snip, snip.
Not good.
Not good.
Don't look, darling.

SPEAKER_00 (01:05:55):
Don't look.
Well, don't look, darling.

SPEAKER_02 (01:05:57):
Those cards are about to topple.
You've got to go home and getyour husband to review your
medication because clearly thetestosterone has to come down
and everything else needs tocome up.
It's the greatest hits,honestly.
It's the greatest hits.
Me and this fabulous doll calledFaggy do a Real Housewives show
at Mirage Kings Cross.
You would love it.
When is that on next?
You would love it.
I will fly up just for that.

(01:06:18):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have a great night at MirageKings Cross.
Front row.
It's the best little clubpopping on the cross.
It's dying out, but not thisestablishment.
No.
No, no, no.

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:32):
Thank you so much, my love.
Thank you.
We're off to

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:37):
Cruise Chemist Warehouse with Janet Roach,

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:39):
aren't we?
We're going to go now and buystock up on some more raw
essentials tea.

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:43):
Can I ask you what your favourite scene of Real
Housewives ever in the worldwas?

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:47):
Stop.
You can't ask me that.
Do you want to

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:49):
ask me?

SPEAKER_00 (01:06:51):
Okay, I'll ask you first.
Okay.
And then maybe I'll think aboutit.
It's when...
No, I have to ask...
What's your favourite housewivesscene forever in the world?

SPEAKER_02 (01:06:58):
Melbourne, when they went to Mexico.
Hotel California.
Okay, duh.
And then when Jackie and Janethave so much tequila that Janet
rolls, falls down and hits herhead on the drawer.
But my favourite scene is whenshe's up in bed, all bloodied
up, and she's been all stitchedup with the four darlings.

(01:07:18):
This has been me so many timesin places like Mexico.
And then Jackie comes in andthey both go start crying and
have like a really good moment.
And it's just the funniest.
She's like, I fucked up, babe.
I fucked up, babe.
And it was just the most, that'swhat I want to see.

(01:07:39):
That is my favourite fuckingscene

SPEAKER_00 (01:07:42):
ever.
Actually, do you know what Ithink mine is?
One of mine is every scene withPetty Fleur and her sister.
Oh, my God.
The electric chemistry betweenthose two.
Just, so how have you been?
Good.
Good.

SPEAKER_02 (01:07:58):
Like, oh

SPEAKER_00 (01:08:01):
my fucking god.

SPEAKER_02 (01:08:02):
That's the definition of camp, I think.
That is so good.
That scene needs to be studiedbecause it is so fucking good.
Type into YouTube, everyone,Petty Fleur and Sister.

SPEAKER_00 (01:08:16):
It's like, so good.
And

SPEAKER_02 (01:08:18):
then when they cut away into the solo interviews,
they're like, well, me and mysister have a...
challenging relationship weeither love each other or hate
each other what happened oh icould just tell those two you
know just popped off i need toget my son the best so i'm going

(01:08:39):
to yd and buying an eightthousand dollar suit i went i
don't think that was eightthousand dollars darling
Remember when Petty Fleur triedto make it snow in her apartment
for her birthday party?

SPEAKER_00 (01:08:52):
Oh, do I ever.
Was that also the party when shesat in a crescent moon and sang
a song?

SPEAKER_02 (01:08:59):
Mm-hmm.
Fuck.
Gosh, I have a Filipino auntie.
It's the same energy.
It's fantastic.
She's really, she has lit ourfamily on fire, like, in the
most beautiful way.
Like, she got us all doingkaraoke machine, salsa lessons.
Love it.
Pageants.
Pageants?
Yeah, everything.
She does Miss FilipinoAustralia.

(01:09:19):
Fuck off.
She won at 68.
How good's

SPEAKER_00 (01:09:23):
that?
And you know what she won withher special talent?
Samba.
I thought you meant in 1968.
No, at 68.
At

SPEAKER_02 (01:09:29):
68.
And she won.
Her special talent was samba.
Wow.
It was so good.
If you don't have a Filipinoauntie, you're really missing
out.
What the fuck are you doing?
And she's so camp.
Her and my uncle, which is likethis big, bald, kind of bikey
dude, have divorced twice andmarried three times to each
other.
That is camp.

(01:09:49):
wow wow southern highlands eatyour heart out