Tape 3: Side A [Episode 5]

Mike and his new pals take a trip to Atlantic City. He comes back a new man, determined to make his job a real priority in his life. We're about to find just how determined he is...

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, we are coming to you live from an undisclosed
location.
This is a broadcast of thecrossing guard tapes.
What you are about to hear istrue.
This is an unauthorized accounttaken from the diary of Mike
Limbo, an unwilling recruit fora deep state organization known

(00:24):
as the Guards of the Realm.
Mike is in hiding, his life isin constant danger and he needs
your support.
Help us get the word out.
Join us as we bring you thefifth installment of the
crossing guard tapes.

Speaker 3 (00:50):
August 18th 1988.
I came home from Atlantic Citytotally broke and very hungover.
Buddy gave me some pills thathe said would prevent syphilis.
Turns out they were reallyspeed or some shit.
All I know is I didn't sleepfor three days straight, but I

(01:13):
didn't get syphilis either.
The pills must have worked.
We must have driven up and downthe strip hundreds of times,
honking and screaming at thewhores and all the other street
vermin Scared the shit out of abunch of old farts too.
Man, they're fucking everywhere.
It's a total blast.

(01:35):
Atlantic City is a great placeto visit.
Who knows, maybe I'll livethere someday.
It's a party town and there'ssome pretty cool action
happening around the clock.
But for the time being I'mtotally committed to my job In
Atlantic City.
You're just gonna have to wait.
Pretty tired right now, but Ikinda feel like doing something.

(01:59):
Anyway.
I can't sleep, not now.
I tried calling Buddy but he'snot answering his phone.
So I don't know.
This might be a good night toget to know my neighbors a
little better that lady acrossthe street, perhaps Little
peeping Tom.
Action is good for the soulonce in a while.

(02:20):
August 19th 1988.
It's 5 AM and I still haven'tgotten to sleep.
Yet the alarm just went off andit's time to get up, since I
have a meeting with Mr Jakemanthis morning, today's already

(02:44):
fucked.
Guess it must be time to takeanother syphilis pill.
August 20th 1988.

(03:06):
I've been demoted again, thistime to the very, very early
morning shift at HardawayElementary.
I've told Mr Jakeman how much Ihate little kids over and over
and over again.

Speaker 2 (03:24):
I hate little fucking kids.

Speaker 3 (03:26):
But no, he keeps setting me up with these shit
jobs anyway.

Speaker 2 (03:30):
I fucking hate them.

Speaker 3 (03:49):
September 5th 1988.
It's the beginning of anotherschool year and the kids are all
excited and happy.
Everyone's wearing their newclothes and carrying their new
book binders.
There's electricity in the air.
All of the excitement has putme in a pretty good mood.
September 19th 1988.

(04:19):
Well, the excitement that Ifelt on the first day of school
is worn off big time.
The kids at this school suck.
They really are grades Equality.
Personally, I wouldn't give arat's ass if any of them got run
over.
Sometimes I don't even botherto get up to help them across,

(04:42):
and when it rains out you canforget about it.
I will be that guy you'll seestanding under the nearest tree
staying dry.
The weather has been shit forthe last few weeks, making the
job a total pain in the ass.
Going out after work has been areal drag too.
Time to catch up on my readingWell, porn.

(05:04):
That is September 25th 1988.
The weather has finally let upsome, and Buddy and me and some
of the guys are going outtonight.
After weeks of being cooped upevery night, I'm definitely

(05:29):
ready to go out and crack someheads open.
September 26th 1988.

(06:04):
This night we'll go down inhistory as a night to remember.
After work, buddy and me and afew of the guys started off by
bowling a few games at BrunswickLanes the new Brunswick on
Speedway, not the old south sideBrunswick down in Spicktown.
I'm not a racist or nothing.

(06:28):
I mean, some of my best friendsare Spicks.
Spicktown just gives me thecreeps.
Anyway, buddy and I teamed upand we were unbeatable.
We ran the floor so we didn'thave to pay for drinks all night

(06:48):
.
We were lit up and going abouta thousand miles an hour.
He was getting pretty pissedoff at us, since he considers
himself to be a pretty decentbowler.
He kept telling me to shut up.

(07:08):
I kept telling him that hisshoe was untied.
I belched every time he was atthe line setting up his shot.

(07:28):
I would wait until he was justabout to shoot and then I'd let
one fly.
Peaty got even with me, thoughOn my last frame.
He ran up behind me just as Iwas lining up my shot and poured

(07:50):
a pitcher of beer all over myhead.
I turned around and shoved theball at him and nailed him
square in the chest and knockedhim on his ass.
He fell backwards and landedright on top of this huge guy in
the next lane.
The dude gets up and startshammering the living shit out of
him, didn't have a ghost of achance.

(08:25):
Buddy and I lit out of there ina hurry, leaving Peat and the
other guys to sort out that mess.
As far as I'm concerned, peathad it coming.
He's always bragging to usabout what a hot shit bowler he
is.
Well, guess what, peat, tonightyou're just an A number one
jump.
The fun didn't stop when we gotoutside either.

(08:45):
Buddy found an unlocked car andopened the trunk.
He pulled out the tire iron andstarted busting out windshields
as we tore through the parkinglot I was laughing too hard to
do anything much, but I managedto kick off a few rear view
mirrors.
For my part, we could hear thepolice sirens coming, so we kept
running until we got all theway to read park.

(09:07):
We hid in the woods there untilthings cooled out a little.
The sirens had passed and werefar away within a few minutes.
Once the coast was clear, weventured out from our hiding
place.
By then all those pictures ofbeer began to catch up with me,
so I started looking for a placeto take a leak.

(09:30):
I found a nice bush to pissbehind and discovered a couple
old winos living in the grassgetting drunk.
Well, look what we fucking havehere.
Well you know how Buddy feelsabout winos Hi stinky.
His dad was a pretty bad drunk,so he doesn't like them too
much.
In fact you could say prettymuch doesn't like them a whole

(09:51):
lot.
First we smashed their winebottles on some rocks and then
proceeded to kick the stink outof them and God, there was
plenty of that to go around.

Speaker 2 (10:01):
Run motherfucker.
Oh, you can't, because I'mfucking stomping on you, Eww.

Speaker 3 (10:06):
Cry.
After that we made them taketheir clothes off.
It was pretty damn cold outside.
You should have heard thembegging us for mercy.
A couple of pussies.
He picked them up, one at atime, and threw them and their
stinky clothes into the duckpond.
At this time of year, the duckpond always has a thin layer of
ice on it.

Speaker 2 (10:26):
Is it?

Speaker 3 (10:26):
cold.
Is it cold?
Maybe you could fuck it.
Maybe a little pink ballerinasuits would be fucking cool.
I've never laughed so hard inmy fucking life, though.
To be honest, we should havethrown their clothes in a pile
and burned them.
What have been doing them afavor?
Believe me.

Speaker 1 (10:45):
You have just heard the fifth installment of the
crossing guard tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
deep stage from tracing oursignal.
And, dear listeners, due to theFBI's unrementing effort to
recover the tapes, there is arisk that they could be
monitoring our site.

(11:05):
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The crossing guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalent of Tommy Nicolai, pat

(11:26):
Waters, miel Kite and John Paul,with original music from
Pendulum, incorporated Technicalsupport and marketing.
Courtesy of Jazz Garrel Wall.