August 10, 2023 • 18 mins
In the season 1 finale, Mike is getting increasingly frustrated with his job and with some of his co-workers. Tonight, Mike and his new bestie, Buddy, are about to have a Halloween to remember.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Greetings, fellow travelers.
This is a live broadcast of theCrossing Guard tapes Coming to
you, as always, from anundisclosed location.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
What you are about to hear is true.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
This is an unauthorized account taken from
the diary of Mike Limbo, aninvoluntary pawn in a neo-Syop
organization known as the Guardsof the Realm.
Mike has gone undercover andwithout your support, there is
little hope.
Time is running out.
Help us get the word out.
(00:37):
Join us as we bring you thesixth installment of the
Crossing Guard tapes.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
October 8th 1988.
I got stuck with the freakagain.
Remember that freak?
I told you about the weird olddude that does nothing but wave
and salute and make monkey facesall fucking day.
He's driving me batty While I'mout there busting my nut.
(01:12):
All day he's standing theremaking a complete jackass out of
himself and at the same timemaking a total mockery of the
rest of us.
One bad apple is all it takes.
He makes all crossing guardslook like a bunch of mental
retards.
Might as well take a shit andwipe it all over my uniform.
For Christ's sakes, while he'sat it, he might as well fuck me
(01:34):
up the ass with his stop signhandle.
He didn't complain to Mr Jakeabout this fruit cake.
I can't take this shit muchlonger.
October 31st 1988.
(02:07):
Some cats from the SoutheastSchool District are throwing a
Halloween bash tonight.
We weren't even invited, sowe're going to pay them a little
visit.
Some of us guards from theSouth Central District are going
to crash it and crack a fewheads open.
That'll teach them not toinvite us next time.
Just hoping that my favoritefruit cake is there, cause he's
(02:34):
going home with a few less teethtonight.
If I fucking find him, buddy'sgoing to wear his steel toad fag
stomping boots and he'll bebringing his brass knuckles with
him as well.
For the party I'm going dressedlike the Grim Reaper.
Buddy's going to be wearingsome kind of Nazi SS getup.
(02:55):
Anyways, the kids wore theirHalloween costumes to school
today.
It was a really busy day and Ihad to be on my toes from the
second.
I got there by 3 o'clock.
When school got out the kidswere totally out of control and
a little boy from the thirdgrade ran out in front of a bus
(03:18):
and got killed, crushed him likea grape.
He was dressed like a ghost, soI guess now he is one.
Anyways, I'll tell you moreabout the party.
Tomorrow Should be a bloodygood night.
November 1st 1988.
(04:00):
The party turned out to be evenbetter than we thought.
Five of the Skies from SouthCentral crashed the party and
turned it into the Halloweenfrom Hell.
Buddy, who's at least 6'5 andweighing in at over 250 pounds,
walked right in, picked up thepunch ball and emptied it on the
(04:22):
head of some idiot dressed likea ghost buster.
That turned a lot of heads.
I can tell you that Once he hadeveryone's attention, he
announced to the party thanksfor inviting South Central you
fucks.
Then we picked up the keg andheaved it out through the
(04:42):
sliding glass doors, which wereclosed.
It knocked the door right outof its frame and glass shattered
everywhere.
As everyone dove out of the way, frame was all mangled and half
torn out of the wall.
The looks on their patheticfaces were priceless.
It was like they were in shock.
They just stood there waitingfor someone to say or do
(05:07):
something.
So we did.
We found out and startedclubbing anyone and everyone
that got in our path with ourpolice issued billy clubs,
poisoned people, scattered.
What a bunch of pussies.
We weren't even hitting thathard, though Did knock a few
teeth out.
A couple of brave souls tried tocorner Buddy.
Dracula jumped on his backwhile Robin Hood tried to tackle
(05:31):
him at the knees.
Bad move Buddy's knee metRobin's nose, flattened it like
a pancake, blood spurred iteverywhere and the guy passed
out, crumpled at Buddy's feet.
In the meantime, dracula wastrying to get Buddy in a
headlock and was pulling hishair, trying to gouge his eyes
out.
Instead, he managed to get hisfingers caught in Buddy's mouth.
(05:52):
Buddy must have been hungry,because he took a bite out of
Dracula that he'd never forget.
A couple of guys jumped me anddragged me to the door and threw
me into some prickly bushesFuckers, fucking cock-suckers.
I could have lost an eye.
Someone called the cops andwell, our time was up.
Buddy finally got tossed outwith me and we lit the hell out
(06:15):
of there.
We drove downtown to find someother parties to crash.
Of course, we were all revvedup on speed so we were ready to
do more damage all night if needbe.
If the duty comes, we willanswer.
When we got to Broadway Ispotted my Bonnie cruising west.
I told Buddy to chase her.
(06:36):
He made a U-E and we followedher in hot pursuit.
Here we go, here we go, here wego.
I must have told Buddy about myBonneville a million times.
He agreed with me that Bonnieshould rightfully be mine.
We followed her to a bar on thesouth side and waited for the
guy to go in.
I followed him into the bar.
I was just gonna talk to himbut changed my mind when I saw
(06:58):
him sitting down with someoff-duty cops.
I decided to go with Plan B.
I went back outside and toldBuddy I would not be needing a
ride home tonight, went over tomy Bonnie and just gazed at her
for a few seconds, reunited atlast.
I was almost crying and I'msure she felt the same way.
(07:20):
He didn't mean to be together.
I took out my spare key, whichI carry on me at all times,
unlocked it, got in, revved itup a few times and peeled out of
the parking lot like a bat outof fucking hell.
It felt great to be reunitedwith her.
I took her over to Speedway andput her through the paces and to
(07:43):
see if I could find any of myold cruising buddies.
Buddy was right behind me thewhole way.
Once we got to Speedway we tookover the whole goddamn
Boulevard.
He pulled his car up beside myBonnie and we drove neck and
neck so that no one could passus.
Yeah, come on.
We cruise Speedway for an houror so, hitting all the hotspots,
(08:04):
running into all my oldcruising pals.
Leo was there with the 75Camaro as usual, hanging out in
the parking lot of Pavarotti'sPizza, drinking Coke and talking
to a waitress named Debbie thathe's been trying to nail ever
since I met him.
He'll have to wait a littlelonger.
After tonight, when she saw Leoout in the parking lot, she came
(08:28):
out to talk to him.
She goes you can't park thishere all night.
Leo, my boss is getting pissed.
You're scaring away thecustomers.
Go home.
Leo got even with her, thoughhe gave her the finger and
peeled out of the parking lot.
I don't blame him for gettingpissed off.
She treats him like a fuckingdog.
Little love, come on baby.
(08:48):
And speaking of fucks, I raninto my old pal Freddy Fuck.
Actually his name is FrederickFuchs, but we always just called
him Freddy Fuck for the album.
He was cool about it.
Freddy was on the strip too.
We found him and his 67 BabyBlue Mustang holed up at Dunkin'
Donuts.
He was up to his usual tricksacting drunk and spilling coffee
(09:12):
all over the counter.
He couldn't believe that I hadmy Bonnie again.
I just had to tell him to coolit down on the account that I
was just borrowing it for theevening.
You finally got him tounderstand and shut the fuck up
about it, which is good, sincethere were a couple of cops
sitting in the corner.
There was no fucking cops.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
After they left.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
I breathed a little easier.
It was great seeing Leo andFreddy Fuck again.
I felt like I was home afterbeing away for a few years.
It was a good feeling.
We all decided to meet up atthe East End of Speedway at Don.
For old times' sake, speedwayat Don is something else.
Just as we were getting up toleave, the cops came back and
(09:58):
started checking out the Bonnie.
That asshole must have reportedor stolen.
Fuck it.
It's time to leave.
Bonnie and I walked out the sidedoor and got in his car and
drove off.
I looked back and watched heruntil we drove out of sight.
Somehow.
I just knew that I would neversee her again.
That put me in a really shittymood.
(10:20):
It started flipping offeveryone.
I saw We'd pull up neck andneck with some asshole and not
give them the one-fingeredsalute that started getting us a
little attention.
After that, buddy and me beganperking up again.
We got a little caravan goingbehind us with the car loads
full of pissed off punks.
(10:40):
Buddy kept swerving at them andthen jamming on his brakes.
I got them all aggravated.
It's like when you keep hittinga beehive with a stick until
the bees come buzzing out at you.
We had to pack a wild beesbehind us.
All right, that made us bothpretty happy.
So we took a few more littlewhite pills and it was head
(11:00):
busting time again.
Flicked a beer bottle at an oldChevy Nova piece of shit that
had about 10 greasy lookingpukes piled into it.
Bottles shattered across theirwindshield and a little cracked
in it too.
That got them pissed and theypulled up alongside of us
yelling shit, throwing them tobeer cans at us.
Pick up truck pulled alongBuddy's side and he flicked a
(11:23):
lit cigarette through theirwindow.
Cigarette got totally tangledup in the beard of the hippie by
the window.
You should have seen the lookon his face when he realized
that his beard was on fire.
It was fucking hilarious.
We were laughing so hard thatBuddy ran a red light and a
black.
He broadsided a bread truck.
(11:44):
It didn't explode like in themovies, but it was still pretty
damn cool.
Buddy went face first throughthe windshield.
I cracked my head pretty goodon the dashboard, had a fucking
headache for a week, felt like athousand hammers pounding on
the back of my eyeballs.
Then everything started movingin slow motion.
(12:06):
I stepped there on my ass andcompletely stopped it was like a
dream.
People were running aroundshouting and crying.
I was too out of it to care,snapped out of my On my days.
When I heard the sirens coming,though, somehow it dawned on me
that I'd better get the hellout of there, and quick.
(12:28):
I stepped out of the car andtried to walk, but my legs felt
like they were made out ofrubber.
I knew I had to get out ofthere, though, so I just started
walking One foot right in frontof the other until I finally
got my balance.
I was a little wobbly.
For a few blocks I had tosteady myself on parked cars,
(12:48):
mailboxes, whatever the fuck Icould find to hold on to.
I'm slow going at first.
Eventually, my adrenalinekicked in, probably thanks to
those syphilis pills.
I felt a second, maybe a thirdwind coming on, and I just
started running as fast as mylegs could manage, one foot in
front of the other, away fromthe sirens.
(13:08):
At first, the sirens seemed toget louder, and I thought they
were on to me for sure, butgradually I got quiet again.
By the time I got to the river,I could barely hear them at all
.
Eventually, I wound up at RiverPark.
I stopped there to catch mybreath.
My legs would have given outsoon anyways, if my fucking
(13:32):
heart didn't blow out.
First I laid down next to theriver bank behind some bushes
and just closed my eyes.
The pounding in my head wasunbearable, like my eyeballs
were going to pop out of myfucking skull.
Then I remembered Buddy Poorguy.
Last time I saw him he wasstretched out on the hood of his
(13:55):
car with his face totallyfucked up, flattened by the
windshield.
His eyes were closed and hislips were puckered like he was
trying to kiss somebody thatwasn't there.
He looked like a total jackass.
What a shit-wit.
What a shit-wit I mean.
(14:18):
I guess it could happen toanyone.
Even if you kick ass every dayof your ass kicking life, you
can still die looking like atotal jackass.
Everything you've ever workedfor can be wiped out in a single
jackass second.
That's some shit.
That's the kind of stuff theydon't teach you in school.
(14:39):
I guess I passed out for a whilebecause when I woke up I was
lying in the dirt staring up atthe moon.
I laid there listening to theslow throbbing sounds of the
crickets Seemed like they werethrobbing in time, with the
pounding inside my head when Icouldn't stand listening to it
anymore.
I knew it was time to go,dragged my tired ass up, began
(15:04):
the long walk home.
My legs were fucking killing me.
My knuckles were still prettyswollen and bleeding from the
fights at the party.
(15:24):
I kept to the middle of the parkand then followed the darkest
and most deserted streets, justin case the cops were still
looking for me.
Every so often I noticed ablack van driving by.
The first time I saw it it wasa few blocks away.
I probably wouldn't have evennoticed it if it hadn't kept
slowing down and then speedingup again and then tearing off
(15:47):
into the night.
Minutes later the van wouldreappear a few blocks away and
then careen off again.
To tell you the truth, it wasreally starting to annoy me.
And wouldn't you know my luck,it had to be a fucking Ford van.
Ford van suck, oh Fords suck.
(16:11):
Anyway, the van was reallyannoying the crap out of me and
kinda started to freak me out alittle bit too, like they were
stalking me or something.
Either way, it was enough thatI decided I'd better stay on
some of the more well-traveledstreets.
Just as I was crossing mid-valeBoulevard, the van sneaked up
(16:32):
alongside me and three or fourguys in ski mass jumped out and
grabbed me.
They threw a bag over my head,zipped it up and forced me into
the back before I could do somuch as let one.
I was tightly wrapped up fromhead to toe, which fucking made
it impossible for me to fightback and I couldn't breathe at
all, as tired as I was.
I still managed to put up apretty good fight.
(16:54):
I screamed and kicked for awhile before one of them finally
knocked me over the head.
I remember the pain in the backof my head and felt like some
blood was starting to trickledown, but after that it went
black.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
You have just heard the sixth installment of the
crossing guard tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
deep state from tracing oursignal.
Dear listeners, due to theFBI's unrelenting effort to
recover the tapes, there is arisk that they could be
monitoring our site.
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,
(17:38):
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The crossing guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalent of Tommy Nicolai, pat
Waters and Neil Kite, withoriginal music from Pendulum
(18:00):
Incorporated Technical supportand marketing courtesy of Jazz
Garrowall.
Greetings, fellow travelers.
This is a live broadcast of theCrossing Guard tapes Coming to
you, as always, from anundisclosed location.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
What you are about to hear is true.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
This is an unauthorized account taken from
the diary of Mike Limbo, aninvoluntary pawn in a neo-Syop
organization known as the Guardsof the Realm.
Mike has gone undercover andwithout your support, there is
little hope.
Time is running out.
Help us get the word out.
(00:37):
Join us as we bring you thesixth installment of the
Crossing Guard tapes.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
October 8th 1988.
I got stuck with the freakagain.
Remember that freak?
I told you about the weird olddude that does nothing but wave
and salute and make monkey facesall fucking day.
He's driving me batty While I'mout there busting my nut.
(01:12):
All day he's standing theremaking a complete jackass out of
himself and at the same timemaking a total mockery of the
rest of us.
One bad apple is all it takes.
He makes all crossing guardslook like a bunch of mental
retards.
Might as well take a shit andwipe it all over my uniform.
For Christ's sakes, while he'sat it, he might as well fuck me
(01:34):
up the ass with his stop signhandle.
He didn't complain to Mr Jakeabout this fruit cake.
I can't take this shit muchlonger.
October 31st 1988.
(02:07):
Some cats from the SoutheastSchool District are throwing a
Halloween bash tonight.
We weren't even invited, sowe're going to pay them a little
visit.
Some of us guards from theSouth Central District are going
to crash it and crack a fewheads open.
That'll teach them not toinvite us next time.
Just hoping that my favoritefruit cake is there, cause he's
(02:34):
going home with a few less teethtonight.
If I fucking find him, buddy'sgoing to wear his steel toad fag
stomping boots and he'll bebringing his brass knuckles with
him as well.
For the party I'm going dressedlike the Grim Reaper.
Buddy's going to be wearingsome kind of Nazi SS getup.
(02:55):
Anyways, the kids wore theirHalloween costumes to school
today.
It was a really busy day and Ihad to be on my toes from the
second.
I got there by 3 o'clock.
When school got out the kidswere totally out of control and
a little boy from the thirdgrade ran out in front of a bus
(03:18):
and got killed, crushed him likea grape.
He was dressed like a ghost, soI guess now he is one.
Anyways, I'll tell you moreabout the party.
Tomorrow Should be a bloodygood night.
November 1st 1988.
(04:00):
The party turned out to be evenbetter than we thought.
Five of the Skies from SouthCentral crashed the party and
turned it into the Halloweenfrom Hell.
Buddy, who's at least 6'5 andweighing in at over 250 pounds,
walked right in, picked up thepunch ball and emptied it on the
(04:22):
head of some idiot dressed likea ghost buster.
That turned a lot of heads.
I can tell you that Once he hadeveryone's attention, he
announced to the party thanksfor inviting South Central you
fucks.
Then we picked up the keg andheaved it out through the
(04:42):
sliding glass doors, which wereclosed.
It knocked the door right outof its frame and glass shattered
everywhere.
As everyone dove out of the way, frame was all mangled and half
torn out of the wall.
The looks on their patheticfaces were priceless.
It was like they were in shock.
They just stood there waitingfor someone to say or do
(05:07):
something.
So we did.
We found out and startedclubbing anyone and everyone
that got in our path with ourpolice issued billy clubs,
poisoned people, scattered.
What a bunch of pussies.
We weren't even hitting thathard, though Did knock a few
teeth out.
A couple of brave souls tried tocorner Buddy.
Dracula jumped on his backwhile Robin Hood tried to tackle
(05:31):
him at the knees.
Bad move Buddy's knee metRobin's nose, flattened it like
a pancake, blood spurred iteverywhere and the guy passed
out, crumpled at Buddy's feet.
In the meantime, dracula wastrying to get Buddy in a
headlock and was pulling hishair, trying to gouge his eyes
out.
Instead, he managed to get hisfingers caught in Buddy's mouth.
(05:52):
Buddy must have been hungry,because he took a bite out of
Dracula that he'd never forget.
A couple of guys jumped me anddragged me to the door and threw
me into some prickly bushesFuckers, fucking cock-suckers.
I could have lost an eye.
Someone called the cops andwell, our time was up.
Buddy finally got tossed outwith me and we lit the hell out
(06:15):
of there.
We drove downtown to find someother parties to crash.
Of course, we were all revvedup on speed so we were ready to
do more damage all night if needbe.
If the duty comes, we willanswer.
When we got to Broadway Ispotted my Bonnie cruising west.
I told Buddy to chase her.
(06:36):
He made a U-E and we followedher in hot pursuit.
Here we go, here we go, here wego.
I must have told Buddy about myBonneville a million times.
He agreed with me that Bonnieshould rightfully be mine.
We followed her to a bar on thesouth side and waited for the
guy to go in.
I followed him into the bar.
I was just gonna talk to himbut changed my mind when I saw
(06:58):
him sitting down with someoff-duty cops.
I decided to go with Plan B.
I went back outside and toldBuddy I would not be needing a
ride home tonight, went over tomy Bonnie and just gazed at her
for a few seconds, reunited atlast.
I was almost crying and I'msure she felt the same way.
(07:20):
He didn't mean to be together.
I took out my spare key, whichI carry on me at all times,
unlocked it, got in, revved itup a few times and peeled out of
the parking lot like a bat outof fucking hell.
It felt great to be reunitedwith her.
I took her over to Speedway andput her through the paces and to
(07:43):
see if I could find any of myold cruising buddies.
Buddy was right behind me thewhole way.
Once we got to Speedway we tookover the whole goddamn
Boulevard.
He pulled his car up beside myBonnie and we drove neck and
neck so that no one could passus.
Yeah, come on.
We cruise Speedway for an houror so, hitting all the hotspots,
(08:04):
running into all my oldcruising pals.
Leo was there with the 75Camaro as usual, hanging out in
the parking lot of Pavarotti'sPizza, drinking Coke and talking
to a waitress named Debbie thathe's been trying to nail ever
since I met him.
He'll have to wait a littlelonger.
After tonight, when she saw Leoout in the parking lot, she came
(08:28):
out to talk to him.
She goes you can't park thishere all night.
Leo, my boss is getting pissed.
You're scaring away thecustomers.
Go home.
Leo got even with her, thoughhe gave her the finger and
peeled out of the parking lot.
I don't blame him for gettingpissed off.
She treats him like a fuckingdog.
Little love, come on baby.
(08:48):
And speaking of fucks, I raninto my old pal Freddy Fuck.
Actually his name is FrederickFuchs, but we always just called
him Freddy Fuck for the album.
He was cool about it.
Freddy was on the strip too.
We found him and his 67 BabyBlue Mustang holed up at Dunkin'
Donuts.
He was up to his usual tricksacting drunk and spilling coffee
(09:12):
all over the counter.
He couldn't believe that I hadmy Bonnie again.
I just had to tell him to coolit down on the account that I
was just borrowing it for theevening.
You finally got him tounderstand and shut the fuck up
about it, which is good, sincethere were a couple of cops
sitting in the corner.
There was no fucking cops.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
After they left.
Speaker 2 (09:34):
I breathed a little easier.
It was great seeing Leo andFreddy Fuck again.
I felt like I was home afterbeing away for a few years.
It was a good feeling.
We all decided to meet up atthe East End of Speedway at Don.
For old times' sake, speedwayat Don is something else.
Just as we were getting up toleave, the cops came back and
(09:58):
started checking out the Bonnie.
That asshole must have reportedor stolen.
Fuck it.
It's time to leave.
Bonnie and I walked out the sidedoor and got in his car and
drove off.
I looked back and watched heruntil we drove out of sight.
Somehow.
I just knew that I would neversee her again.
That put me in a really shittymood.
(10:20):
It started flipping offeveryone.
I saw We'd pull up neck andneck with some asshole and not
give them the one-fingeredsalute that started getting us a
little attention.
After that, buddy and me beganperking up again.
We got a little caravan goingbehind us with the car loads
full of pissed off punks.
(10:40):
Buddy kept swerving at them andthen jamming on his brakes.
I got them all aggravated.
It's like when you keep hittinga beehive with a stick until
the bees come buzzing out at you.
We had to pack a wild beesbehind us.
All right, that made us bothpretty happy.
So we took a few more littlewhite pills and it was head
(11:00):
busting time again.
Flicked a beer bottle at an oldChevy Nova piece of shit that
had about 10 greasy lookingpukes piled into it.
Bottles shattered across theirwindshield and a little cracked
in it too.
That got them pissed and theypulled up alongside of us
yelling shit, throwing them tobeer cans at us.
Pick up truck pulled alongBuddy's side and he flicked a
(11:23):
lit cigarette through theirwindow.
Cigarette got totally tangledup in the beard of the hippie by
the window.
You should have seen the lookon his face when he realized
that his beard was on fire.
It was fucking hilarious.
We were laughing so hard thatBuddy ran a red light and a
black.
He broadsided a bread truck.
(11:44):
It didn't explode like in themovies, but it was still pretty
damn cool.
Buddy went face first throughthe windshield.
I cracked my head pretty goodon the dashboard, had a fucking
headache for a week, felt like athousand hammers pounding on
the back of my eyeballs.
Then everything started movingin slow motion.
(12:06):
I stepped there on my ass andcompletely stopped it was like a
dream.
People were running aroundshouting and crying.
I was too out of it to care,snapped out of my On my days.
When I heard the sirens coming,though, somehow it dawned on me
that I'd better get the hellout of there, and quick.
(12:28):
I stepped out of the car andtried to walk, but my legs felt
like they were made out ofrubber.
I knew I had to get out ofthere, though, so I just started
walking One foot right in frontof the other until I finally
got my balance.
I was a little wobbly.
For a few blocks I had tosteady myself on parked cars,
(12:48):
mailboxes, whatever the fuck Icould find to hold on to.
I'm slow going at first.
Eventually, my adrenalinekicked in, probably thanks to
those syphilis pills.
I felt a second, maybe a thirdwind coming on, and I just
started running as fast as mylegs could manage, one foot in
front of the other, away fromthe sirens.
(13:08):
At first, the sirens seemed toget louder, and I thought they
were on to me for sure, butgradually I got quiet again.
By the time I got to the river,I could barely hear them at all
.
Eventually, I wound up at RiverPark.
I stopped there to catch mybreath.
My legs would have given outsoon anyways, if my fucking
(13:32):
heart didn't blow out.
First I laid down next to theriver bank behind some bushes
and just closed my eyes.
The pounding in my head wasunbearable, like my eyeballs
were going to pop out of myfucking skull.
Then I remembered Buddy Poorguy.
Last time I saw him he wasstretched out on the hood of his
(13:55):
car with his face totallyfucked up, flattened by the
windshield.
His eyes were closed and hislips were puckered like he was
trying to kiss somebody thatwasn't there.
He looked like a total jackass.
What a shit-wit.
What a shit-wit I mean.
(14:18):
I guess it could happen toanyone.
Even if you kick ass every dayof your ass kicking life, you
can still die looking like atotal jackass.
Everything you've ever workedfor can be wiped out in a single
jackass second.
That's some shit.
That's the kind of stuff theydon't teach you in school.
(14:39):
I guess I passed out for a whilebecause when I woke up I was
lying in the dirt staring up atthe moon.
I laid there listening to theslow throbbing sounds of the
crickets Seemed like they werethrobbing in time, with the
pounding inside my head when Icouldn't stand listening to it
anymore.
I knew it was time to go,dragged my tired ass up, began
(15:04):
the long walk home.
My legs were fucking killing me.
My knuckles were still prettyswollen and bleeding from the
fights at the party.
(15:24):
I kept to the middle of the parkand then followed the darkest
and most deserted streets, justin case the cops were still
looking for me.
Every so often I noticed ablack van driving by.
The first time I saw it it wasa few blocks away.
I probably wouldn't have evennoticed it if it hadn't kept
slowing down and then speedingup again and then tearing off
(15:47):
into the night.
Minutes later the van wouldreappear a few blocks away and
then careen off again.
To tell you the truth, it wasreally starting to annoy me.
And wouldn't you know my luck,it had to be a fucking Ford van.
Ford van suck, oh Fords suck.
(16:11):
Anyway, the van was reallyannoying the crap out of me and
kinda started to freak me out alittle bit too, like they were
stalking me or something.
Either way, it was enough thatI decided I'd better stay on
some of the more well-traveledstreets.
Just as I was crossing mid-valeBoulevard, the van sneaked up
(16:32):
alongside me and three or fourguys in ski mass jumped out and
grabbed me.
They threw a bag over my head,zipped it up and forced me into
the back before I could do somuch as let one.
I was tightly wrapped up fromhead to toe, which fucking made
it impossible for me to fightback and I couldn't breathe at
all, as tired as I was.
I still managed to put up apretty good fight.
(16:54):
I screamed and kicked for awhile before one of them finally
knocked me over the head.
I remember the pain in the backof my head and felt like some
blood was starting to trickledown, but after that it went
black.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
You have just heard the sixth installment of the
crossing guard tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
deep state from tracing oursignal.
Dear listeners, due to theFBI's unrelenting effort to
recover the tapes, there is arisk that they could be
monitoring our site.
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,
(17:38):
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The crossing guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalent of Tommy Nicolai, pat
Waters and Neil Kite, withoriginal music from Pendulum
(18:00):
Incorporated Technical supportand marketing courtesy of Jazz
Garrowall.
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