Tape 4: Side B [Episode 8]

Mike is in hot water. How much, he’s not sure. Unclear of where he is and the motives of his captors, Mike plays for time.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back, believers.
Get ready for episode 8 of theCrossing Guard Tapes.
We are coming to you from anundisclosed location.
What you are about to hear istrue.
This is an unauthorized accounttaken from the diary of Mike
Limbo from his time as anoperative in a deep state

(00:23):
organization known as the Guardsof the Realm.
Mike is running out of time.
He needs our hope and support.
Help us get the word out.
Join us as we bring you episode8 of the Crossing Guard Tapes.

Speaker 2 (00:49):
November 23, 1988.
This morning after breakfast, afew guys in suits and ties came
in to have a little talk withme.
I tried to ask them somequestions but they gagged me
before I could finish.
One of them jammed a rag in mymouth, while another ran a
couple laps of duct tape aroundmy face's neck.
They told me we talk, youlisten, there were three of them

(01:14):
.
All together they look like FBIagents with their suits, their
sunglasses and their fancyhaircuts, like that guy on
Hawaii 5-0.
They were all business withtheir yes sirs, no sirs.
They were serious all the time,kind of like me and Eddie were
with our kids.
We weren't fucking around, andneither were these guys.

(01:35):
You have to respect that.
After they gagged me, one ofthem started poking me in the
chest with his finger like he'strying to pop a hole in my
fucking rib cage.
He gets right in my face andsays what in the fuck were you
and your?

Speaker 1 (01:48):
buddy thinking when you showed up at that party and
started beating the hell out ofyour fellow crossing guards.

Speaker 4 (01:53):
Crossing guards are your own people, you ignorant
shit.

Speaker 2 (01:56):
I figured he was the boss because he was the biggest
and the loudest and he had somesort of badge hanging from the
pocket of his suit coat.
Then he opened his briefcaseand took out a whole shitload of
file folders and held them upfor me to see.

Speaker 4 (02:11):
Look, I got a ton of shit on you, and I'd be honest
if I told you that it's notworth the paper at Spray.
You're one sorry ass, littleturd.
The fight terminated.
You right now, nobody butnobody would give half a crap.
You've been a total pain in theass from day one.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
Man, was he pissed off.
He started off speaking in anormal voice but by the time he
was finished he was practicallyscreaming at me.
His face was so red I thoughthe was gonna pop a fucking vein
in his neck.
My face was dripping with hisspit when he finished.
It made me sick to my stomachactually.
I gagged a couple times.

(02:46):
I wish he would have died of afucking heart attack right then
and there.
If I wasn't gagged.
I would have told him so rightto his fucking face, that
fucking face.
But he didn't stop there.
He goes.
Do you have any?

Speaker 4 (02:59):
idea what kind of shit you're dealing with and how
deep in it you are right nowBuster.

Speaker 2 (03:04):
I must have shook my head.
No, because he kept right onscreaming as a matter of fact,
your neck deep in shit right nowand you're half a turn away
from drowning in it.
Just then Mr Jakeman came intothe room.
To my surprise, the other threeturned around to salute him.
My jaw just about dropped tothe floor.

(03:25):
I couldn't believe it.
I mean, mr Jakeman, I hadabsolutely no idea he was even
in the military or a prisonwarden, or whatever the fuck he
was.
The salute caught my attentiontoo.
They saluted with just twofingers.
It seemed kind of odd at thetime, but then I remembered that

(03:46):
we used to use the two-fingeredsalute in Cub Scouts.
They stood there at attentionwaiting for him to respond.
Finally he saluted back andsaid At easeman Boy, was I glad
to see him.
I tried to talk, but before Iknew it Mr Jakeman jumped up and
gave me a full-on taekwondokick right in the nuts.

(04:10):
I swear to God, I was seeingstars after that.
And then I blacked out.
They threw a cup of cold wateron my face to bring me to though
.

Speaker 4 (04:27):
I owe you that and a few more, just like it.

Speaker 2 (04:31):
He said I thought he was making a joke.
Turns out that he wasn't.
So, mr Jakeman says.

Speaker 4 (04:55):
I wanted to fire your sorry ass so many times, but
the bosses wouldn't let me.
They told me to keep an eye onyou and report back to them.
I told them that I thought youwere way too old to be trained,
but they disagreed.
You're lucky.
They could have had youliquidated long ago if they
wanted.
You're the perfect candidate.

(05:16):
No family, no friends, well,and reprobates like yourself.
No one would have missed you.
Like I said, you're one luckyson of a bitch.
Funny thing is.

Speaker 2 (05:30):
I wasn't feeling all that lucky at the moment.
Next, he reached over andgrabbed the corner of the duct
tape that was stuck across mymouth from ear to ear.

Speaker 4 (05:40):
He grinned and said this is gonna hurt you a lot
more than it's gonna hurt me.

Speaker 2 (05:47):
Then he yanked the duct tape off, grinning like a
five year old in a candy shop.
It hurt like fucking shit.
It hurt like shit Tore all theloose skin off my lips and blood
drip down my chin.
Ouch, ouch, mother fuck, motherfuck.
What a sadistic motherfucker.

(06:07):
Then he mumbled something inLatin or some sort of shit like
the crap they talk in church,and gave me a kiss right on the
lips what the fuck?
Then the other three did thesame thing.
They all kissed me and said thesame stuff that Mr Jakeman said
.
You know the Latin church stuff.

(06:28):
I figured it was all over bythen.
I've seen that stuff in themovies, where the mafia dude
gives his friend the kiss ofdeath and then blows his head
off with a machine gun.

Speaker 4 (06:42):
Instead, he said you are now a member of the guards
of the crossing and hold therank of guard of the realm,
Michael Limbo first class.

Speaker 2 (06:54):
I could not believe it.
I definitely wasn't surewhether I even wanted to join
their club in the first place,but the way I figure it, it was
way better than being killed.
Then they told me I would haveto start going to school and

(07:25):
taking classes.
They also said that I'd have toget in shape and the training
would begin immediately.
To top it off, they said thatI'd have to start wearing a
uniform.
Mr Jakeman told me.

Speaker 4 (07:38):
You must wear your uniform proudly at all times.
If you're caught out of theuniform, appropriate measures
will be taken.
Do you understand?
And I said, yeah, sure, fromnow on you will answer.
Yes, sir, do you read me?

Speaker 2 (07:56):
Mr Jakeman just stood there in front of me waiting
for a response.
Yes, sir, I replied.
What else was I going to do?
I just wanted them all to leavebefore they started kissing me
again or God knows what else.
They saluted me and left All ofthem, except for guard of the
realm Hansen.
He was just a cadet like me.
Mr Jakeman told him to show mearound.

(08:19):
He didn't seem too happy aboutit.

Speaker 4 (08:21):
Though he goes, let's get down to brass tacks.
We've already wasted enoughtime today.

Speaker 2 (08:28):
Then he told me to follow him to the barracks.
He was trying hard to soundlike a tough guy, but his voice
was just so wimpy I guess he'lltake practically anybody in this
place.
He kind of looked like a scaredrat, a pear shaped scared rat.
I couldn't tell how old he was,but I guess he was probably in

(08:48):
his mid to late twenties.
I wasn't sure he was trying togrow a mustache to make himself
look like a hard ass, but itjust looked like peach fuzz.
Maybe you'll have better luckwith that in a few years After a
spals drop.
Come on.
I tried following Hansen thebest I could, considering that I

(09:27):
had been bound and gagged forhowever fucking long.
My legs started cramping upimmediately.
I could barely move him.
Hansen kept shooting dirty,looks back at me and looking at
me like I was weak.
Fuck him Fucking hurt, thoughIn a way his dirty looks kind of
got me going.

(09:47):
Just what I fucking needed tolet a fat ass like him make me
feel like a wimp.
I sucked in my gut and keptwalking.

Speaker 1 (09:55):
Even though it fucking hurt like a motherfucker
.

Speaker 2 (09:59):
I actually forgot about my pain for a while as I
looked around at my new home.
It was impressive.
The hallways were wide Wideenough to drive a truck through.
Couple of them.
Side by side, the walls werecovered in white tile.
Floor was covered in white tile, ceiling was covered in white

(10:20):
tile.
Everything was white and superclean looking like a dentist's
office Made it feel cold anddrafty.
He led me down corridor aftercorridor, past all kinds of
offices, laboratories andclassrooms.
I never would have imagined howhuge this place was.

(10:41):
It's not that big.
I asked Hansen what all thisshit was.
He actually totally annoyed,like I was an idiot, for not
knowing this is district 18.
He said and kept on walking.
Keep up, it looks like somekind of school.
He shot back a dirty look.

Speaker 4 (11:00):
District 18 is the school, a university actually.

Speaker 2 (11:04):
A university.
That's what I said.
Any more stupid questions, orcan we keep going?
Not right now, do shit.
We came to a bank of elevatorswhere a uniform guard was
standing Holding the door openfor us.
We got on and I leaned backagainst the wall.
Oh, felt good to take theweight off my aching legs.

(11:27):
Some doctor and nurse typepeople tried to get on our car,
but the guard warned them off.
This car is out of service.
He told them.
He pressed a button and thedoor started to close as the
doctors protested.

Speaker 1 (11:40):
What do you mean?
It's out of service.
Come on man, just let me out.

Speaker 2 (11:44):
Hey, hey, come on.
The guard was having none ofthat.

Speaker 4 (11:46):
This car is out of service.
Take the next one.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (11:49):
I'm going to lead you .
Where am I, I'm sorry?
And the doors closed.
Despite their moaning about it.
Come on man.
The elevator ride seemed to godown forever.
My ears even popped a few timeson the ride down and my knees
buckled once or twice, but Icaught myself in the nick of

(12:11):
time when it finally stoppedmoving we got out and went
through a few checkpoints whenuniform guards checked our IDs
and made us walk through metaldetectors.
What is this place, I asked?
Hansen rolled his eyes.

Speaker 4 (12:30):
We're in the pits.

Speaker 2 (12:32):
The pits, district 35 , the barracks.
My legs were wobbly andunsteady and I felt like they

(13:02):
were on the verge of falling outfrom underneath me.
I had to lean against the wallsto steady myself as I stumbled
down the hallways.
I was still wearing myHalloween costume too, so I felt
like a fucking idiot.
I must have looked somethinglike a crippled grim reaper If I
wasn't hurting so much.
I would have felt like a totaljackass.

(13:26):
Everyone saluted Hanson as theywalked past, but just kind of
rolled their eyes at me, and Icould hear them snickering
behind my back.
I actually did fall once.
I tripped and hit my head onthe concrete floor.
Goddamn did it hurt,practically knocked my brains
out on the floor.
I tried to get up, but my bodyjust wouldn't budge.

(13:47):
Hanson didn't budge either.
He just watched me laying therefor a while, acting annoyed.
Finally, when it was obviousthat I could not get up by
myself, he grabbed me by the arm, picked me up and shoved me
into a room where a bunch of menin white lab coats were waiting
.
They grabbed me and wrestled meinto a chair like the kind you

(14:09):
see in the dentist's office.
They pinned me down and held meso I couldn't move a muscle.
I closed my eyes.
I tried to put up a fight, butthey had me good.
One dude came at me and Iscreamed I am guard of the realm
, limbo, first class.
The guy goes piped down, you'rejust getting a haircut.

(14:31):
They didn't hear another peepout of me until they were
finished.
Afterwards, hanson took me to mynew quarters in the barracks.
He showed me my bed, which wasin a long rectangular room lined
with about a dozen bunks.
I was in row 5, bottom bunk.
My name had already beenpainted on the locker next to my

(14:51):
bunk.
Inside the locker was a pair oftan camouflage fatigues,
matching camouflage underwearand one pair of shiny black
leather army boots.
Laying right on top of my newclothes was a fancy looking book
, like an encyclopedia orsomething.
The book itself felt very solid, like it could stop a bullet.

(15:12):
It was bound in a dark redleather cover which was puffy
and smooth to the touch.
It must have weighed at least20 pounds.
The front cover had someseriously weird stuff printed on
it, some fancy gold letteringthat I could barely read, which,
once I could make it out, saidthe guards of the crossing.
You could actually run yourfingers over it and feel it.

(15:36):
It was cut so deep into theleather.
Underneath the lettering was asilhouette of an owl with its
wings spread out and one of itsclaws outstretched as if it were
attacking something.
The other claw was clutching acrossing guard stop sign.
I almost felt like I washolding an old, dusty Bible,
like the one my grandma had.

(15:57):
I used to like checking it outwhen we went to visit her at
Christmas time or at funerals.
It had all these weirdold-timey paintings that Moses
Guy and the Ten Commandments,noah's Ark, shit like that.
Those were really strange.
People used to dress so fuckingweird Memoir dresses, but so

(16:17):
did the women.
To each his own, I guess.
Then there were all the Romanguys with the helmets whipping
the hell out of old Jesus thecrucifixion.
The one that really got me wasthe crown of thorns, the blood
dripping down his face.
That must have stung like amotherf-.
I gotta stop using these words,especially around all this God

(16:40):
stuff.
But the stuff I really like tocheck out were all the pictures
of the baby Jesus.
For some reason there werealways lots of naked chicks with
huge, wide asses hanging around.
I used to look through thosefor hours on end.
I mean, what else is there todo at grandma's house?
And no one ever said a wordabout it.
Leave me alone.

(17:01):
I'm reading the friggin Bibleand now this book felt kinda
like that, like it was full ofholy hocus, pocus stuff, but I
didn't really want to lookthrough it or jerk off to it, I
just wanted to put it back inthe locker where it belonged.

Speaker 1 (17:23):
You have just heard episode 8 of the Crossing Guard
tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
DOJ from tracing our signal and,dear listeners, due to the
FBI's unrelenting effort torecover the tapes, there is a
risk that they could bemonitoring our site.
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,

(17:46):
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The Crossing Guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalents of Tommy Nicolai, pat
Waters, cliff Taylor, anthonyDegrassia and Jazz Garowall,

(18:11):
with original music fromPendulum Incorporated.
All support and marketingcourtesy of Jazz Garowall.
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(18:31):
The new number is Deep StateChronicles.