November 23, 2023 • 15 mins
Mike is starting get a sense that he is out of danger… for the time being, anyway. But what is this place? A prison? A hospital? A secret military base? A temple for some bizarre religious cult? Mike has no choice but to play along.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Congratulations, fellow compatriots.
Welcome to episode nine of theCrossing Guard tapes.
We are coming to you from anundisclosed location.
What you are about to hear istrue.
This is an unauthorized accounttaken from the diary of Mike
Limbo during his stint as anagent in the Deep State
(00:24):
organization known as the Guardsof the Realm.
Mike has been forced to live ina shadow world where he has no
friends, no family, no name.
He needs our help.
Please help us get the word out.
Join us as we bring you episodenine of the Crossing Guard
(00:45):
tapes.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
November 23rd 1988.
Hansen told me to shower up andget dressed in my new uniform.
After that he told me I had toreport to my barracks commander.
Then he saluted and left.
I noticed then that there weretwelve sets of bunks, but only
(01:10):
two of the lockers had names onthem.
The rest of them looked emptyand unused.
I kept thinking to myself whata strange place this was and how
the fuck did I end up here?
I quickly showered and dressed.
I was so hungry that all Iwanted to do was find out where
I could get some food.
(01:30):
I didn't care how stupid Ilooked, even though I did look a
little sharp.
I bet chicks would go for this.
Uniforms always get them horny.
When I found my barrackscommander, he was at his desk in
an office across the hall fromthe showers.
His desk plaque said that hisname was Corporal Messerschmitt
(01:53):
and he looked like a total hardass.
He had one of those flat tophaircuts that hard asses always
have, and he looked like he wasalready pissed off even before I
said a single word.
Better keep my head screwed onaround this one.
His uniform was just like mine,except with a few more stripes.
On his shoulders the Corporalhad a stack of paperwork on his
(02:16):
desk and was busy typing Onefinger at a time on his computer
while muttering under hisbreath.
When I walked in he looked upfor a second, then went back to
his typing.
I waited a few seconds and thenclicked my boots together and
saluted him saying Guard of theRealm, limbo, first class
reporting for duty.
That got his attention.
(02:37):
He stopped typing and looked upat me.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I tucked in your shirt, cadet.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I tucked in my shirt.
All right, Immediately.
Maybe sooner he got up frombehind his desk and walked right
up in front of me until we werestanding face to face.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
You want to be treated like a guard of the
realm, then maybe you shouldstart behaving like one.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I almost said I just got here, cut me some slack.
Instead, I tucked my shirt in alittle more just in case, and
then stood at attention.
After what seemed like nearlyan hour, he finally told me to
stand at ease.
Stand at ease, cadet.
The whole time staring into myeyes and breathing his stinking
(03:17):
coffee breath in my face, hestarted barking shit at me like
one of those drill sergeants yousee in the movies.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
For the next 30 days you will be in physical training
.
It's called boot camp.
Reveley is at 0400 everymorning.
You will have one half an hourto dress, make your bunk and get
down to the commissary.
You will have 15 minutes to eatyour breakfast At 0500.
You will report back to me andI will work you like a dog from
sun up to sun down.
(03:45):
Any questions?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I only had one question for him how do I get as
far away from here as possible?
But of course I didn't actuallysay that.
In fact, I didn't say a word.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Any questions.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
He asked again.
This time he sounded like hemeant it.
I kept thinking to myself if Ispeak, he will hurt me, and if I
say nothing, he will still hurtme.
His face was butted up againstmine and I thought that he was
going to bite my nose off.
I was practically shitting inmy pants.
I couldn't decide which way togo.
(04:20):
If I didn't answer him, hewould think I was ignoring him,
which was disrespectful, and hewould show me the importance of
respect and that would hurt.
But if I spoke, he would thinkthat I was just some
disrespectful, snot-nosed punkand he would beat the snot out
of me.
I chose to stand there insilence, hoping that his phone
(04:42):
would ring or that I'd wake upfrom this total fucking
nightmare.
Finally he goes.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
You chose wisely, my friend.
From now on, you will jump whenI tell you to jump and he will
shit when I tell you to shit.
When I speak, you will listenand obey.
You are nothing right now.
You are nothing right now.
In fact, you are less thannothing.
But by the time I am finishedwith you, you will be fit to
wear the uniform of a guard ofthe realm.
Now, drop and give me 50push-ups.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I've been in basic training now for a month or so.
It's been the same routineevery day Wake up at 4am, eat
shit and then go do physicaltraining until noon.
Classes go until sundown andthen I eat dinner and pass out
until they drag my tired ass outof bed again.
They're training me to be hardin body and mind.
(05:56):
Oh my god, I'm dead, fuckingtired.
I'm even too tired tomasturbate, not that I have any
privacy in this place.
March 24th 1989.
(06:25):
The physical training isgrueling.
They started me out with thebasic stuff like the treadmill
and the stationary bike, but nowI'm running 5 miles a day and
hitting the weight room for acouple hours.
I'm as hard as a rock.
The mental training, that'sbeen a little slower going.
(06:46):
I've learned words that I nevereven knew existed.
I'm learning new languages too,and I can speak somewhat
fluently in Spanish and Russian.
They tell me that before I'mfinished I'll be speaking
Japanese, chinese and even someArabic.
Foreign languages are my mainfocus right now.
However, they're also teachingme how to read aviation maps and
(07:10):
how to survive in the jungle.
April 3rd 1989.
(07:32):
It can get pretty spooky here,sometimes laying in my cot at
night.
Most of the time I'm alone inthis large and mostly empty
barracks with just the quiet humof the air conditioner and the
sound of my breathing.
Occasionally you can hear thefaint sounds of a door slamming
echoing through the long emptycorridors or down in the depths
(07:55):
somewhere.
It can give me the creeps,especially when I wake up in the
middle of the night from adream, or to use the latrine and
find myself totally alone.
Even more so now.
Since they moved Hans into adifferent wing.
(08:40):
I've really had to change theway I think, act and talk.
I must address everybody withyesers and no-sers and treat
everybody with respect.
When my superiors speak, I mustlisten and respond only when
asked.
I've had to change the way Ispeak completely as well, and I
(09:01):
can no longer cuss.
Last week I accidentally usedthe F word and got into a lot of
trouble.
I was training in the weightroom with Guard of the Realm
Hansen and somehow I managed todrop a 10 pound weight on my toe
.
It hurt like a mother f Well,let's just say that it hurt A
(09:28):
lot.
The other cadets gathered aroundme to make sure that I was
alright.
I took off my shoe and wasamazed to see that my toe had
already ballooned up to the sizeof a golf ball.
Fucking fuck is the word thatpopped out of my mouth.
That didn't mean to say it, itjust popped out before I could
stop it and before I knew itthey were all beating the living
(09:51):
crap out of me.
They all took turns holding mewhile the others kicked me in
the balls or punched me in thestomach.
I was puking up shit andbleeding all over the place.
Eventually they dragged me tothe shower and washed my mouth
out with a bar of soap.
When they were finished, theyturned the showers on full and
left me laying there like a halfdrowned puppy.
(10:13):
I guess I learned my lesson.
I haven't cussed since July 15th1989.
(10:36):
They were right, I can speakChinese and Japanese.
Arabic is not as easy for me,but I'm working at it and they
keep telling me that I'll beriding camels before you know it
.
I have begun training withweapons.
July 23rd 1989.
(10:57):
Sometimes I feel so strange andlonely here.
So far I've only met a fewother trainees, and when I do,
they seem to show up for a fewdays and then vanish, never to
be seen again.
August 3rd 1989, I am learninghow to send and receive Morse
(11:19):
code and how to read semaphore.
It wasn't easy, believe me.
Semaphore is a system forconveying information at a
distance by means of visualsignals, with handheld flags,
rods, disks, panels.
September 8th 1989 I haven'tbeen outside of this compound
(11:43):
since last November, which makesit just over seven months.
None of the rooms have windows,so other than watching the news
on TV, I've pretty much had nocontact with the outside world.
Tomorrow is different.
They've given me clearance toparticipate Some sort of
(12:05):
intelligence gathering mission,which means I'll be able to go
outside to breathe the fresh air, to drive in a car again.
I've made very few friends.
It's a strange place, but theyfeed me and they treat me okay.
(12:25):
You've got me on the missilelaunching and anti-aircraft
weapon simulators too.
Getting the hang of thosemissile launchers has been a
real challenge.
I thought you had me there,didn't you?
I've accidentally taken outwhole cities, and once I nailed
(12:47):
three quarters of the MiddleEast when I forgot one stupid
code word.
One stupid code word.
Gotta work harder and stayfocused.
By the time I looked it up inthe manual, a wall of nukes had
blasted them back to the stoneages in the simulator.
Of course, I haven't beenoutside of this compound since
last November, which makes itjust over seven months.
(13:08):
None of the rooms have windows,so other than watching the news
on TV, I've pretty much had nocontact with the outside world.
So far.
I've only met a few othertrainees, and when I do, they
seem to show up for a few daysand then vanish, never to be
seen again.
I wish I had some of Buddy'sSyphilis pills right now.
(13:29):
Those were coming handy.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you.
I forgot to mention I've beenpromoted.
I am now guard of the realmlimbo, second class.
I've been promoted.
I've got two stripes on mysleeve, september 1st, and I
think I'm too tired to care.
Good night.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
You have just heard episode 9 of the Crossing Guard
tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
DOJ from tracing our signal and,dear listeners, due to the
FBI's unrelenting effort torecover the tapes, there is a
risk that they could bemonitoring our site.
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,
(14:21):
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The Crossing Guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalent of Tommy Nicolai, pat
Waters, stephen Gladish andGomez Waters, with original
(14:42):
music from Pendulum,incorporated Technical support
and marketing.
Courtesy of Jazz Carowall.
The number you have dialed hasbeen changed.
(15:03):
The new number is Please helpState Chronicles.
Congratulations, fellow compatriots.
Welcome to episode nine of theCrossing Guard tapes.
We are coming to you from anundisclosed location.
What you are about to hear istrue.
This is an unauthorized accounttaken from the diary of Mike
Limbo during his stint as anagent in the Deep State
(00:24):
organization known as the Guardsof the Realm.
Mike has been forced to live ina shadow world where he has no
friends, no family, no name.
He needs our help.
Please help us get the word out.
Join us as we bring you episodenine of the Crossing Guard
(00:45):
tapes.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
November 23rd 1988.
Hansen told me to shower up andget dressed in my new uniform.
After that he told me I had toreport to my barracks commander.
Then he saluted and left.
I noticed then that there weretwelve sets of bunks, but only
(01:10):
two of the lockers had names onthem.
The rest of them looked emptyand unused.
I kept thinking to myself whata strange place this was and how
the fuck did I end up here?
I quickly showered and dressed.
I was so hungry that all Iwanted to do was find out where
I could get some food.
(01:30):
I didn't care how stupid Ilooked, even though I did look a
little sharp.
I bet chicks would go for this.
Uniforms always get them horny.
When I found my barrackscommander, he was at his desk in
an office across the hall fromthe showers.
His desk plaque said that hisname was Corporal Messerschmitt
(01:53):
and he looked like a total hardass.
He had one of those flat tophaircuts that hard asses always
have, and he looked like he wasalready pissed off even before I
said a single word.
Better keep my head screwed onaround this one.
His uniform was just like mine,except with a few more stripes.
On his shoulders the Corporalhad a stack of paperwork on his
(02:16):
desk and was busy typing Onefinger at a time on his computer
while muttering under hisbreath.
When I walked in he looked upfor a second, then went back to
his typing.
I waited a few seconds and thenclicked my boots together and
saluted him saying Guard of theRealm, limbo, first class
reporting for duty.
That got his attention.
(02:37):
He stopped typing and looked upat me.
Speaker 3 (02:41):
I tucked in your shirt, cadet.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I tucked in my shirt.
All right, Immediately.
Maybe sooner he got up frombehind his desk and walked right
up in front of me until we werestanding face to face.
Speaker 3 (02:53):
You want to be treated like a guard of the
realm, then maybe you shouldstart behaving like one.
Speaker 2 (02:57):
I almost said I just got here, cut me some slack.
Instead, I tucked my shirt in alittle more just in case, and
then stood at attention.
After what seemed like nearlyan hour, he finally told me to
stand at ease.
Stand at ease, cadet.
The whole time staring into myeyes and breathing his stinking
(03:17):
coffee breath in my face, hestarted barking shit at me like
one of those drill sergeants yousee in the movies.
Speaker 3 (03:25):
For the next 30 days you will be in physical training
.
It's called boot camp.
Reveley is at 0400 everymorning.
You will have one half an hourto dress, make your bunk and get
down to the commissary.
You will have 15 minutes to eatyour breakfast At 0500.
You will report back to me andI will work you like a dog from
sun up to sun down.
(03:45):
Any questions?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I only had one question for him how do I get as
far away from here as possible?
But of course I didn't actuallysay that.
In fact, I didn't say a word.
Speaker 3 (03:58):
Any questions.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
He asked again.
This time he sounded like hemeant it.
I kept thinking to myself if Ispeak, he will hurt me, and if I
say nothing, he will still hurtme.
His face was butted up againstmine and I thought that he was
going to bite my nose off.
I was practically shitting inmy pants.
I couldn't decide which way togo.
(04:20):
If I didn't answer him, hewould think I was ignoring him,
which was disrespectful, and hewould show me the importance of
respect and that would hurt.
But if I spoke, he would thinkthat I was just some
disrespectful, snot-nosed punkand he would beat the snot out
of me.
I chose to stand there insilence, hoping that his phone
(04:42):
would ring or that I'd wake upfrom this total fucking
nightmare.
Finally he goes.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
You chose wisely, my friend.
From now on, you will jump whenI tell you to jump and he will
shit when I tell you to shit.
When I speak, you will listenand obey.
You are nothing right now.
You are nothing right now.
In fact, you are less thannothing.
But by the time I am finishedwith you, you will be fit to
wear the uniform of a guard ofthe realm.
Now, drop and give me 50push-ups.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
I've been in basic training now for a month or so.
It's been the same routineevery day Wake up at 4am, eat
shit and then go do physicaltraining until noon.
Classes go until sundown andthen I eat dinner and pass out
until they drag my tired ass outof bed again.
They're training me to be hardin body and mind.
(05:56):
Oh my god, I'm dead, fuckingtired.
I'm even too tired tomasturbate, not that I have any
privacy in this place.
March 24th 1989.
(06:25):
The physical training isgrueling.
They started me out with thebasic stuff like the treadmill
and the stationary bike, but nowI'm running 5 miles a day and
hitting the weight room for acouple hours.
I'm as hard as a rock.
The mental training, that'sbeen a little slower going.
(06:46):
I've learned words that I nevereven knew existed.
I'm learning new languages too,and I can speak somewhat
fluently in Spanish and Russian.
They tell me that before I'mfinished I'll be speaking
Japanese, chinese and even someArabic.
Foreign languages are my mainfocus right now.
However, they're also teachingme how to read aviation maps and
(07:10):
how to survive in the jungle.
April 3rd 1989.
(07:32):
It can get pretty spooky here,sometimes laying in my cot at
night.
Most of the time I'm alone inthis large and mostly empty
barracks with just the quiet humof the air conditioner and the
sound of my breathing.
Occasionally you can hear thefaint sounds of a door slamming
echoing through the long emptycorridors or down in the depths
(07:55):
somewhere.
It can give me the creeps,especially when I wake up in the
middle of the night from adream, or to use the latrine and
find myself totally alone.
Even more so now.
Since they moved Hans into adifferent wing.
(08:40):
I've really had to change theway I think, act and talk.
I must address everybody withyesers and no-sers and treat
everybody with respect.
When my superiors speak, I mustlisten and respond only when
asked.
I've had to change the way Ispeak completely as well, and I
(09:01):
can no longer cuss.
Last week I accidentally usedthe F word and got into a lot of
trouble.
I was training in the weightroom with Guard of the Realm
Hansen and somehow I managed todrop a 10 pound weight on my toe
.
It hurt like a mother f Well,let's just say that it hurt A
(09:28):
lot.
The other cadets gathered aroundme to make sure that I was
alright.
I took off my shoe and wasamazed to see that my toe had
already ballooned up to the sizeof a golf ball.
Fucking fuck is the word thatpopped out of my mouth.
That didn't mean to say it, itjust popped out before I could
stop it and before I knew itthey were all beating the living
(09:51):
crap out of me.
They all took turns holding mewhile the others kicked me in
the balls or punched me in thestomach.
I was puking up shit andbleeding all over the place.
Eventually they dragged me tothe shower and washed my mouth
out with a bar of soap.
When they were finished, theyturned the showers on full and
left me laying there like a halfdrowned puppy.
(10:13):
I guess I learned my lesson.
I haven't cussed since July 15th1989.
(10:36):
They were right, I can speakChinese and Japanese.
Arabic is not as easy for me,but I'm working at it and they
keep telling me that I'll beriding camels before you know it
.
I have begun training withweapons.
July 23rd 1989.
(10:57):
Sometimes I feel so strange andlonely here.
So far I've only met a fewother trainees, and when I do,
they seem to show up for a fewdays and then vanish, never to
be seen again.
August 3rd 1989, I am learninghow to send and receive Morse
(11:19):
code and how to read semaphore.
It wasn't easy, believe me.
Semaphore is a system forconveying information at a
distance by means of visualsignals, with handheld flags,
rods, disks, panels.
September 8th 1989 I haven'tbeen outside of this compound
(11:43):
since last November, which makesit just over seven months.
None of the rooms have windows,so other than watching the news
on TV, I've pretty much had nocontact with the outside world.
Tomorrow is different.
They've given me clearance toparticipate Some sort of
(12:05):
intelligence gathering mission,which means I'll be able to go
outside to breathe the fresh air, to drive in a car again.
I've made very few friends.
It's a strange place, but theyfeed me and they treat me okay.
(12:25):
You've got me on the missilelaunching and anti-aircraft
weapon simulators too.
Getting the hang of thosemissile launchers has been a
real challenge.
I thought you had me there,didn't you?
I've accidentally taken outwhole cities, and once I nailed
(12:47):
three quarters of the MiddleEast when I forgot one stupid
code word.
One stupid code word.
Gotta work harder and stayfocused.
By the time I looked it up inthe manual, a wall of nukes had
blasted them back to the stoneages in the simulator.
Of course, I haven't beenoutside of this compound since
last November, which makes itjust over seven months.
(13:08):
None of the rooms have windows,so other than watching the news
on TV, I've pretty much had nocontact with the outside world.
So far.
I've only met a few othertrainees, and when I do, they
seem to show up for a few daysand then vanish, never to be
seen again.
I wish I had some of Buddy'sSyphilis pills right now.
(13:29):
Those were coming handy.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you.
I forgot to mention I've beenpromoted.
I am now guard of the realmlimbo, second class.
I've been promoted.
I've got two stripes on mysleeve, september 1st, and I
think I'm too tired to care.
Good night.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
You have just heard episode 9 of the Crossing Guard
tapes.
We are shutting down ourtransmitter now to prevent the
DOJ from tracing our signal and,dear listeners, due to the
FBI's unrelenting effort torecover the tapes, there is a
risk that they could bemonitoring our site.
So be sure to keep a lowprofile when sharing,
(14:21):
subscribing and liking.
Until next time.
Co-conspirators, stay alive andspread the word.
The Crossing Guard tapes waswritten and produced by Jim
Waters, featuring the voicetalent of Tommy Nicolai, pat
Waters, stephen Gladish andGomez Waters, with original
(14:42):
music from Pendulum,incorporated Technical support
and marketing.
Courtesy of Jazz Carowall.
The number you have dialed hasbeen changed.
(15:03):
The new number is Please helpState Chronicles.
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