351. Shifting Your Focus: Embracing a Life that Truly Matters

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In this episode of the Debt Free Dad podcast, Kati delves into the importance of shifting focus from external validation to living a fulfilling life. She shares her personal debt-free journey, including the mistakes made due to caring about others' perceptions and the realizations that led to positive changes. Kati emphasizes the significance of genuine relationships and experiences over material possessions, sharing stories of others who faced similar challenges. Tune in for practical tips on managing finances and building a life you truly enjoy without the weight of impressing others. 

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Episode Transcript

Kati Hatfield (00:00):
When your pants start to feel a little tight,
what is your first thought?
Do you think about watchingwhat you eat a little closer?
Are you looking around at thestrangers in the store around
you, wondering what they thinkof your appearance?
First of all, I'm guessingthey're not even paying
attention.
They're looking at their phones.
And second, why does it matterwhat a stranger thinks?

(00:21):
You might never see them again.
Are you living a life that youtruly enjoy or are you simply
trying to impress others?
Stay tuned for tips on how toshift your focus.
Thank you for listening to theDebt-Free Dad podcast, where we
help everyday, normal peoplelike you take control of your

(00:44):
finances and live a happier,less stressful life.
I'm Katie, your host fortoday's episode, and I've been
on my journey to debt freedomfor almost seven years now, and
in that time I've paid off over$221,634 in student loans, car
loans, medical bills and creditcard debt all on a single income

(01:05):
.
One of the biggest things I hadto unlearn while getting out of
debt is caring what otherpeople thought about what I was
doing.
I had accumulated a lot of debtby buying clothes, getting my
hair and nails done, going onbig fancy trips, not being able
to afford most of it, but all toput on an appearance for others
to think I had it all together.

(01:25):
In reality, I was being crushedby stress, I was in a miserable
relationship and the sparkle inmy eyes had significantly
dulled.
I just wasn't me.
When you start to evaluate whyyou're spending money and doing
certain things, you start totake a serious look at your life
, not just your finances.
Early in my debt journey, Ionce spent the day with a friend

(01:49):
who was stressing about havingto ask her dad for money to pay
her electric bill and keep thelights on again.
Yet not even an hour after Ileft her apartment that day, she
was posting a photo of herStarbucks drink on social media.
Wait what?
You were just complaining thatyou had no money for an
essential bill, and now you'reout spending over $6 on a fancy

(02:12):
coffee.
I could only shake my head, butit really was a lightbulb
moment for me in evaluating mychoices.
The other day I was listeningto one of my favorite podcasts,
the Dating Detectives, and theyrecently had a guest on who had
a wild story.
She and her husband were popularfigures in an affluent
community.
He was a doctor.

(02:32):
She ran the local Mommy and Megroups.
They did a ton of fundraisersfor different causes nice house,
jet skis, an RV and lots ofother flashy toys and lots of
other flashy toys.
When her husband's parentspassed away, he became the
executor for the trust they setup and he and each of his
siblings would be receiving apretty significant inheritance.
It looked like they had it all.

(02:53):
Life was great, nothing out ofthe ordinary, until it wasn't
One day her husband had left thehouse.
Before she woke up.
She couldn't seem to get a holdof him.
He wasn't returning her callsor texts all day.
Okay, maybe he's just got aschedule full of patients.
Today, she thought.
Around dinner two policeofficers knock on her door, only

(03:14):
to find out he's been arrestedfor attempting to rob a bank.
He had spent all of their moneyand his siblings' portions of
the parents' trust and ended upgoing to jail, forcing her and
their two middle school-agedkids to move into an
acquaintance's smallmother-in-law suite sharing a

(03:35):
single bed.
They were literally left withnothing.
The community rallied aroundher and supported her and the
kids, but what a slippery slope.
The husband went down feelinglike he needed money so
desperately to keep up a lavishlifestyle to impress others that
he went to some pretty extremelengths.

(03:55):
I was watching the show foreverand I loved a comment made by
one of the main characters If itweren't for you, I'd still be
locked in a life that wasn'tmine.
I actually had to pause, rewind, find a piece of paper and
write that down.
It truly hit home because if itwasn't for taking this journey
to get out of debt, I wouldprobably still be making some

(04:17):
questionable choices andspending money on things that
were not fulfilling my life.
No thing can make you happy.
My focus now is onrelationships and experiences,
creating fun memories that I cancarry with me through life, not
stuff collecting dust onshelves or piles of boxes in the
basement.
One of the most common regretsfor end-of-life patients is not

(04:40):
living the life that they wantedfor themselves.
Many felt like they lived toappease others.
Too often people feel theirself-worth is tied to how others
perceive them.
They desire validation,belonging, social acceptance.
Humans are social creatures.
We naturally seek connectionand want to feel liked, approved
of part of a group.
We have a subconscious drive tofeel good about ourselves,

(05:04):
build confidence and fit in, butwhen we focus on impressing
people, it backfires a bit.
We give away our power and setourselves up for unnecessary
stress, worry and fear.
It can also be linked toinsecurity or a need for
external validation.
When you're constantly feelingthe need to prove yourself fit
in, gain influence or establishdominance, it can create a lot

(05:26):
of pressure, but it's mostlyinternal.
When our self-esteem is low,then we try to fill our inner
void or emptiness by impressingothers, basically filling our
tank with a little dopamine hit,craving every little but
temporary happiness from others'praise, but temporary happiness
from others' praise.
We try to do this impressionbusiness everywhere, starting

(05:53):
with our parents, throughoutschool, in society, at our jobs.
We start to use things tomaintain a certain image.
After all, social media,commercials, ads everywhere
reinforce the idea that successand happiness are tied to
material possessions and aperfect image.
Happiness are tied to materialpossessions and a perfect image.
In the Art of being Genuine byRandy Kay, he writes being
genuine means presenting yourimage in the same way for anyone
, regardless of status orposition.

(06:14):
People are generally mostcomfortable with those who
aren't trying to artificiallyimpress them.
That's not to say you shouldn'tdress or behave appropriately
for an interview or a socialfunction.
It simply means you shouldalways represent the real you,
who you are on the inside.
By focusing on only what wecontrol ourselves, we actually

(06:36):
gain approval from othersbecause they see us as confident
and in control.
I believe one of the bestcompliments I ever received from
a friend was I love that I canjust be myself around you.
I don't have to change myclothes or have a perfectly
clean house and I can sayanything and you won't judge me
for it.
If we all strive to feel thatway around others and be that

(06:57):
safe space for others, I believewe will all end up richer in
immeasurable ways.
I'd love to hear from you andwhat you're doing to live a life
that you truly love and enjoy.
Drop a comment on today'sepisode wherever you listen to
our podcast.

Brad Nelson (07:11):
Now listen if you're ready to break free from
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hope you are.
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You want to build savings.
You want to finally pay offdebt for good, but you're not
sure where to get started.
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(07:35):
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Thanks for joining us ontoday's show and we will see you

(07:57):
guys on the next episode.