Scared of Love, Scared of Loneliness – Avoidant Attachment and the Myth of Butterflies

Media Links:
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

Participants
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya

Overview of Big Ideas

• Welcoming new interns at Delve and the value of training fresh therapists from day one.

• Reddit question: “Scared of Being Alone and Scared of Being in a Relationship.”

• Avoidant attachment patterns—wanting closeness, then withdrawing when intimacy grows.

• How early caregiver relationships can shape (but not permanently define) adult attachment.

• Attachment as a relational stance, not a fixed identity—people may shift styles depending on the partner and context.

• The role of emotions in dating: “butterflies” often signal anxiety, not destiny.

• Relationships inevitably include boredom, irritation, and conflict alongside love.

• Feelings can’t reveal objective truths about a partner—perceptions are shaped by bias and brain shortcuts.

• Working with primary vs. secondary emotions—anger as a cover for deeper feelings.

Breakdown of Segments

1. Opening & Announcements – Ali and Adam share updates about Delve’s services, Substack, and the excitement of new intern orientation.

2. Introducing the Reddit Question – Reading and unpacking a post about fear of both commitment and loneliness.

3. Attachment Styles 101 – Explanation of secure, anxious, and avoidant attachment, with examples and clinical nuances.

4. Nature vs. Nurture in Attachment – How childhood experiences shape tendencies, but also how adult relationships can shift them.

5. Emotions in Relationships – Debunking the myth of constant butterflies; discussing the “misattribution of arousal” and why calm can feel like boredom.

6. Long-Term Relationship Reality – Stability over thrill, and how “boring” can mean secure and healthy.

7. Primary vs. Secondary Emotions – Anger as a protective layer over deeper feelings like fear, hurt, or embarrassment.

8. Closing Thoughts – Advice for the Redditor, plus reflections on choosing partnership intentionally rather than by chasing chemistry.

References

• Bowlby, J., & Ainsworth, M. (Attachment theory origins)

• Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Davis, K. E. (1994). Attachment style, gender, and relationship stability. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

• Fraley, R. C., et al. (2021). Do life events lead to enduring changes in adult attachment styles? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

• Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (Capilano Suspension Bridge study)

• Lisa Feldman Barrett (Research on emotions and affective science)