Who Gets a Seat at the Table? Rethinking Identity, Feedback, and the Self

Media Links:
Website: delvepsych.com
Instagram: @delvepsychchicago
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@DelvePsych20
Substack: https://delvepsych.substack.com/

Participants:
Hosts: Ali McGarel, Adam Fominaya
Guests: None this episode

Overview of Big Ideas:
Ali and Adam explore the concept of identity through a deeply relational and integrative lens. They discuss how we construct the self not just from within, but also with the input of others—family, friends, mentors, and even critics. This episode dives into the tension between the “idealized self,” “feared self,” and the “realized self,” emphasizing that identity is both flexible and co-created. The conversation also touches on emotional authenticity, the limits of toxic positivity, and how embracing discomfort can foster real growth.

Breakdown of Segments:

• Welcome Back & Reflections on Hosting
  Adam expresses appreciation for Ali’s return and her role in hosting, highlighting the challenges of leading the podcast solo.

• The Eight Domains & Origins of the Identity Framework
  They revisit Delve’s eight domains, especially the added “identity” and “systemic” domains inspired by The Handbook of Integrative Psychotherapy.

• What Is Identity? Inside-Out vs. Outside-In
  The hosts challenge the individualistic notion of self-generated identity, proposing instead that identity is fundamentally relational.

• The Created Self
  Adam introduces the idea of the “created self”—the notion that identity is formed through ongoing feedback and relational dynamics. This includes the concept of choosing who has a voice in shaping our self-concept.

• Language and Identity Labels
  They explore how labels (e.g., “good person,” “Chicagoan”) help construct our sense of self, and how word choice shapes attachment to identity.

• Idealized Self, Feared Self, and Realized Self
  A rich discussion on how we oscillate between who we aspire to be, who we fear becoming, and who we are in the moment—encouraging flexibility and acceptance.

• Role Models and Anti-Models
  Using metaphors and doodles, they contrast being driven by who we want to be versus fleeing from who we don’t want to be, emphasizing the importance of directional clarity.

• Navigating Growth Through Feedback
  The difference between surrounding oneself with affirming voices and echo chambers. Choosing trusted others who will challenge and support your values-based growth.

• Toxic Positivity vs. Emotional Honesty
  They reject the idea of always feeling good, advocating instead for learning how to sit with difficult feelings as a meaningful part of life.

• Closing Reflections & Ali’s Actor Group Vision
  Ali shares her passion for developing actor-focused therapy groups, and the healing power of shared struggle in group settings.

References:

• The Handbook of Integrative Psychotherapy

• Concepts from Freudian psychology: id, ego, superego

• Rouge test and theory of mind (developmental psychology)

• Mentalizing theory

• Temporal extension in cognitive development

• Fundamental attribution error (teased for a future episode)