November 24, 2025 • 27 mins
You’ve done the inner work — now it’s time to manage everything swirling around you.
In Part 2 of this two-part series, we’re shifting outward. From the ever-growing to-do list to tricky family dynamics, from outdated traditions to the pressure to say yes when you know it should be a no — this episode gives you the tools to handle it all with more clarity and calm.
You’ll walk away with practical ways to protect your time and energy, navigate hard conversations without spiraling, and find small sparks of joy in the middle of the mess.
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
1️⃣ You can confidently re-prioritize your to-do-list. No second guessing yourself.
2️⃣ Recognize that you can't change others only how you respond (not react) to them.
3️⃣ Joy isn't something you create. It's something you notice.
We may not get the picture-perfect season we dream about, but you can create moments that feel meaningful and joyful.
RESOURCES FOR THIS EPISODE:
Jefferson Fisher - The Next Conversation: Argue Less Talk More
DOWNLOAD THE FREE START DREAMING AGAIN GUIDE
Check out all my coaching and course offerings - Coachcarlene.com
MORE FROM ME
Follow me on Instagram: @coach_carlene
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 3 (00:01):
You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too
anything to pursue your dreams.
Welcome to the DistractedDreamer Podcast, where you'll
learn how to move all thosenever ending distractions aside
and chase your dreams withconfidence.
(00:22):
Well, hello everyone.
Welcome back to The DistractedDreamer.
I am your host Carlene, and thisis part two of our series on
managing yearend overwhelm.
And if you're just jumping inand you didn't listen to episode
54 first, you can go ahead andyou can listen to it after you
listen to this one.
That's okay.
Um, but make sure that you catchthat one because the things that
(00:46):
you can put into action fromthis episode are going to be so
much easier to do when you'veput.
The things from episode 54 intoaction first.
Okay, so let's dive in.
Because you know, this season italways comes with a lot of big
dreams, doesn't it?
Like, oh, let's have the perfectholiday and the perfect ending
(01:06):
to the year.
But you know what?
Sometimes life just doesn'tmatch that picture and that gap.
It can create a lot of stressfor us.
That's why I have two episodesdedicated to this.
Before we dive into today'sepisode, I wanna check in with
you.
How is your pause practicegoing?
(01:27):
Remember last week we talkedabout practicing the pause and
how even just a single breath orone mindful moment, or a quiet
five minute walk, it counts.
It counts.
Your nervous system notices, ifyou're trying, it means you're
practicing.
And if you're practicing, itmeans you're growing.
And so today we are going toactually turn things outward
(01:49):
because once you've learned tocalm your internal state, you
are in a much better place tomake thoughtful, grounded
choices about the things thattrigger stress on the outside.
So let's name a few of thosethings right now.
That never ending to-do list.
Yeah, that's something.
That you can have a little bitof control over now that you've
(02:11):
calmed your nervous system.
Um, what about all thosecomplicated family dynamics and
relationships?
Ooh, calming your nervoussystem.
Super important for that.
What about all those exhaustingor outdated holiday traditions
that might not be serving you?
What do you do with that?
And then there's all the guiltand pressure that makes it
really hard to say no when youreally know that is the right
(02:34):
answer.
No is the right answer.
So, does any of that soundfamiliar?
Well, of course you're notalone, because these are some of
the biggest stressors that swirlaround us at the end of the
year.
And today's episode is all abouthow to manage those differently
so that you can reclaim yourtime, your energy, and your joy
(02:56):
during this very busy season.
We are going to start where mostpeople want to start, and that
is, we think about when we'rebusy, we think about that to-do
list, whether it's a writtendown to-do list or the one that
just keeps going around andaround in your head, let's be
honest, most of our to-do lists,they are way too long.
And it's not because like we'relazy and we're not doing this
(03:18):
stuff or that we're bad atplanning, but it's because we
don't always stop to ask whysomething is even on the list.
I wanted to mention this beforewe, we dove into all of this, is
make sure that you havesomething that you can take
notes with because I am givingyou a lot of information today
with step by step instructionson how to manage some of these
(03:41):
external stressors for yourself.
If you need to hit pause, go getsomething to take notes with or
open up your apps, whatever itis.
And obviously don't do this.
If you're driving, you will comeback and you will re-listen to
the episode.
You can fast forward me and allthat good stuff, you are gonna
wanna capture this stuff.
All right, so what I wanna donow is we're talking about your
(04:01):
to-do list, and I'm gonna walkyou through a prioritization
method that can literally changethe whole arc of your day, and
you will stop beating yourselfup for not getting everything
done.
Okay, so this is super simple,step one is write it all down.
What I want you to do is thinkof everything that you have to
do between now and the end ofthe year.
(04:23):
It can be holiday related, itcan be health related, it can be
family related.
It can be work related.
It does not matter what it is.
Dump it all into one list.
There's no order, there's nofiltering, nothing.
Just brainstorm, dump it rightonto a piece of paper.
Okay?
Step two is to run each taskthrough some filters.
(04:46):
There are three filters.
There's impact filters.
There's time filters, andthere's consequence filters.
We are going to start with theimpact filters.
So the filters are basicallyquestions, Step two, what you
wanna do is you're gonna runeach of your tasks through.
(05:08):
These filters.
We're gonna start with theimpact filters.
There's three impact filters,which are basically three
questions.
The first one is, why is thisimportant?
The second impact filter iswhat's the outcome I want?
And the third is this a must door a nice to do.
(05:33):
I don't want you to overthinkthese, like this is not about
you sitting there contemplatingyour answer to this.
This is like you ask thequestion, bumping it up against
one of those tasks, and you'regonna know why is this
important?
And if you are like, I don'tknow why this is important,
that's a sign.
Maybe it shouldn't be on yourto-do list if you don't know
what the outcome is that youwant from it.
(05:54):
Mm.
That might be a sign.
It shouldn't be on your to-dolist.
And is this a must do or a niceto-do?
If you are questioning that,it's probably a nice to do.
If you have to convinceyourself, it's a must do.
It's a nice to do.
It doesn't belong on your list.
Okay, the second kind of filteris the time filters.
There's just two questions here.
The first one is, do I have thetime and energy for this?
(06:18):
Yes or no?
And the second one, does it needto happen now?
Come on.
Now.
You look at that list and I knowthere are things on there that
can wait until the new year.
There are.
Yeah, there are things on therethat you're like, oh, but I
really wanted to get this done.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
(06:39):
This is not the time for that.
This is not the season that youshould be overloading your to-do
list because it's something thatyou're just, oh my God, I just
have to get it done.
If it doesn't need to get donenow, then it needs to come off
your list.
Then the third kind of filterare the consequence filters, so
there's two questions for that.
Is ask yourself what won't getdone if I do this?
(07:03):
So if you work on that task, ifyou do that thing, what else
isn't gonna get done?
There's always a trade off.
There's always a trade off.
You are one person and youcannot make more time.
And then the other consequencefilter.
I love this one.
Will anyone notice if it doesn'tget done?
That is anyone but you and Iguarantee if it is something
(07:30):
that no one else will notice,will get done.
Maybe you won't notice if itdoesn't get done either.
Have you ever had like somethingon your to-do list and then you
go back and a month later andyou're like.
I don't even know what I meantwhen I wrote this.
Like that happens all the timeto me.
I'm like, what was I thinkingwhen I wrote this?
I don't even know what this hasto do with anything that's
important right now.
So, will anyone notice if itdoesn't get done, will you
(07:52):
notice it a month from now ifit's not done?
If not, probably doesn't belongon your to-do list.
Step three is to schedule onlywhat matters.
So you went through thosefilters, you asked the hard
questions, you didn't overthinkit.
You were like, Nope, this onecan wait.
This one I can kill completely,but this one's gonna go on a
(08:13):
later list.
Not during my very busy end ofyear season.
No, it's not getting prioritizedright now.
The only thing that should be onyour to-do list is what is a
priority right now, and the onlyway that you're gonna get those
things done is to schedule them.
If you don't put it on thecalendar, it's not gonna happen.
So you're gonna take the tasksthat pass all those filters and
(08:37):
actually schedule time for them.
Put them in your planner andgive them a home.
And like I said, step four isthen to move everything else to
a not now list.
It's either deleted, like it's anever, or it's a not now.
But for the ones that are notnow, make sure you don't delete
them.
You just wanna store thembecause cluttering your current
(08:58):
to-do list with the maybesomeday tasks, it makes you feel
like you're failing when you'renot.
Then the fifth step is to justrevisit and reassess.
Always revisit and reassess yourlist and bump it up against
those filters.
Your to-do list, you havecontrol over it.
Step one, write it all down.
Step two, run each task throughthe filters, which are those
(09:21):
questions, for impact, time andconsequence.
Step three, schedule only.
What matters?
Step four, move everything elseto a not now list.
And step five is to revisit andreassess daily, weekly.
And remember if something liveson your not now list for weeks
(09:42):
without moving, you kind of haveto ask yourself why is it there
at all?
Let the busy work and the peoplepleasing tasks, let them fall to
the side, because if it's not ahell yes, then it's a hell no.
Here is the next biggeststressor at this time of year.
It is managing relationships andtriggers.
(10:03):
This is the stuff that you can'tschedule, this is the family
dynamics, this is the passiveaggressive comments or getting
steamrolled in a groupconversation.
Because listen, you can'texactly hop in a hot shower when
someone says somethingtriggering at dinner, right?
We learned that if you get in ahot shower, that will help calm
your nervous system, but youcan't do that.
So you might want to go back todoing some deep breathing when
(10:26):
these things happen, and so thisis where nervous system
regulation, it meetscommunication.
First, breathe that breath.
It grounds you before you react.
Drop your shoulders, feel yourfeet on the floor.
And then what I want you to dois I want you to respond to
(10:46):
using some tools from JeffersonFisher.
He's a lawyer and an author ofthe next conversation.
And if you haven't followed himyet, do it.
He's incredible at teaching youexactly what to say in tricky
conversations.
So lemme give you an example.
When someone is constantlyinterrupting you or derails the
(11:08):
conversation, Jeffersonrecommends saying, Hey, I wanna
hear what you're saying.
Let me just finish my thoughtfirst.
That's simple.
It's respectful, it's direct it.
When you're sitting there upsetthat somebody is interrupting
you or they have topic changedon you, it's really hard to
(11:30):
think of what to say.
That is respectful and direct.
And this is one of the thingsthat bothers me most in
conversations is the constantinterruptions and the topic
switching.
And so I have learned how tojust say this like, Hey, I
really do wanna hear what you'resaying, but let me just finish
my thoughts first.
(11:50):
Okay.
So if that's something thatbothers you, that's how you
respond, or here's anotherexample.
When you get a passiveaggressive comment at the table.
Try this.
And this is according toJefferson Fisher to say, I'm not
sure what you meant by that.
Can you clarify?
And you know what he says?
(12:10):
That, that one sentence, itshuts it down.
It forces the person to owntheir words and usually they
back off.
So what's the one dysfunctionalconversation that gets you every
time?
Identify it and then studyJefferson's.
(12:33):
Work, practice the words, havethe script ready, and you are
gonna feel so much more incontrol when it comes up.
And you know what?
You cannot change the otherperson, but you can change how
you respond to them.
So you wanna respond, you don'twanna react.
(12:53):
Really think about what arethose conversations?
Just pick one or two.
Do a little research, go toJefferson Fisher's Instagram,
his LinkedIn, get his book.
Um, you can probably Google AIthis, and it'll pull up all the
things that he recommends.
Just pick one or two andpractice practice it.
(13:14):
So when you are sitting atChristmas dinner and it happens.
You feel in control.
Here's another thing that comesup over the holidays.
Our traditions.
Traditions.
They're beautiful until theybecome exhausting, if you are
questioning whether a tradition.
Is still worth your time andeffort and energy, or if it's
(13:36):
still meaningful, then you wannaask yourself these questions,
and the first one is, I justgave it away, is you wanna ask
yourself, is this traditionstill meaningful?
And then you wanna ask yourself,does it still serve the family
in its current form?
Maybe it's something that's beendone.
I don't know when people whoaren't even with us anymore,
were here and nobody is reallyfeeling attached to that
(14:00):
tradition anymore.
But you keep doing it justbecause you don't wanna be the
person who says, maybe weshouldn't do this anymore.
And then you have to askyourself who's doing the
emotional labor or the physicallabor to keep the tradition
going?
Here's an example.
Let's say you always host aholiday cookie decorating party,
but now the kids are older andyou're swamped and no one even
eats the cookies.
(14:21):
You know, you can say, Hey, ifthis is still important to
everyone, I'd love to find a waythat we can all pitch in, or
maybe we come up with a newtradition that feels a little
lighter for everyone.
I just want you to remember atthis time of year that
traditions they can evolve justlike we do.
When we actually look at ourtraditions, it kind of clears
(14:42):
the way for us to look at it andgo.
What else do we wanna do now?
What's a tradition that we wannastart now?
Um, I think it's one of thecoolest things to start a
tradition.
Like I love all the traditionsthat we have.
And I don't think there's anythat I wanna get rid of.
Um, but I also do like creatingnew ones, especially with new
(15:05):
generations that come into thefamily.
Just think about that and havean open conversation and make it
fun, with your family.
The next thing that we need todo over not just the holidays,
but the end of the year season,is we have to learn how to say
no.
Saying no, helps manage all thatstuff that's swirling around us,
let's look at what you'vealready done here.
(15:27):
You, you've done the work,you've cleaned up your to-do
list.
You have clarified what mattersmost to you, but here's the
truth, all that clarity, it goesout the window if you don't
learn how to say no.
So every time someone asks youto do something to help with an
event, or to attend somegathering or to join a project.
(15:49):
You've got to bump that requestup against what you've already
prioritized for the rest of theyear.
That's why we started with yourto-do list.
Because based on your currenttime, energy, and capacity, the
only way to say yes to somethingnew is to bump something else
off the list.
(16:10):
The real question becomes, isthis yes.
Worth it?
And if you want to beintentional and not reactive
about your time, here are fivequestions to help you get clear
on whether a no might be themost loving, aligned answer you
can give to yourself and to theother person.
(16:33):
When somebody asks you to dosomething between now and the
end of the year, the firstquestion you ask is, does this
align with my current prioritiesand goals?
Maybe you're like, well, rightnow I promised myself I'd
protect my weekends so that Icould get the house ready for
the holidays.
As fun as this sounds whatyou're asking me to do, it
(16:56):
doesn't move me towards thatgoal.
Or maybe you're gonna say, Hey,I'm focusing on rest and
simplifying right now and takingthis on.
It pulls me back into busy mode.
See, you can say no.
So does this align with mycurrent priorities and goals?
You have to remember what yourcurrent priorities and goals
are.
That's why you have to go backup to your to-do list.
(17:18):
The second thing that you needto ask yourself when somebody
asks you to do something new is,am I saying yes out of guilt or
obligation?
And maybe this sounds like, ifI'm honest, I only wanna say
yes, so they're notdisappointed.
But deep down, I don't actuallywanna do it.
Or another version might be, youknow what?
(17:40):
They've helped me before, so Ifeel like I owe them, but I know
my worth isn't tied to alwayssaying yes.
The third question you can askyourself.
Is will saying yes to this costme time, energy, or focus that I
can't afford to give.
(18:00):
maybe you're sitting therethinking if I say yes, it means
that I have to work late again,and I promise myself I'd stop
doing that.
Or maybe you're thinking thissounds exciting, but I've
already committed to two bigprojects.
If I add this something else,like my sleep is gonna suffer.
(18:21):
Will saying, yes, cost me time,energy, or focus, I can't afford
to give.
Here's the fourth question isthis a should or a true want?
If somebody asks you to dosomething and you're thinking, I
feel like I should go, because,well, it is a good networking
opportunity, but I don't feelany real excitement about it.
(18:41):
Yeah, it's probably a no, ormaybe you're thinking, everyone
says I should say yes becauseyou know it's gonna help me with
my business or my career, butthis really doesn't light me up.
I'd rather wait for the right.
Yes.
So then wait for the right.
Yes.
This should be a no.
Then the fifth question youwanna ask yourself is, if I say
(19:04):
yes to this, what am I saying noto?
If I take this meeting.
Then I'm saying no to the blockI protected on my calendar to
work on another project.
Or if I say yes to this extrashift, I'm saying no to dinner
with my family.
And that connection feels moreimportant right now.
Again, if those are things thatyou're hearing and feeling,
(19:28):
that's something that you wannasay no to, then.
Here's the bottom line when itcomes to saying no is you don't
really need a script.
You, you need clarity becauseyour script is, no, that's it.
No, you don't need to explainyour no, you just need to say
no.
The problem is you're not clearon why you should say no.
(19:51):
And that clarity, it comes whenyou listen to your gut.
Don't listen to the guilt.
You gotta listen to your gut.
And you know what else beforeyou give a yes that feels off
pause.
You know how to pause now.
We did it in the last episode.
You're still practicing it,right?
Pause before you say yes, youwanna check in with your heart
(20:14):
and your calendar because theyare gonna lie to you, I promise.
The last thing that I wannacover today isn't necessarily
about managing the stuff that'sswirling around you.
It's more about choosing thethings that are swirling around
you.
And they're called glimmers.
After you've done all the workthat we just talked about, don't
(20:35):
skip this part.
This is so important.
Glimmers, they're the oppositeof triggers.
They're the little sparks ofcalm, of peace, of connection,
or joy.
That tell your brain, Hey, we'reokay, and what I want you to do
is I want you to find them andthis, you have to be really
(20:56):
intentional about this, and I'mgonna give you some tips on how
to find some glimmers becausethat is where the joy is.
This is supposed to be theseason of joy.
Let's find the joy.
A lot of people say, oh, go, gocreate the joy.
That seems like a lot.
But you know what?
Joy already exists.
You just gotta pay attention.
(21:16):
So here's some ways that you canfind them.
The first one is to notice them.
I know that sounds obvious.
Like notice'em, I am talkinglike a hot cup of coffee.
Or what about when a strangersmiles at you?
It could be the lady that'schecking you out at Walmart
maybe it's the way that the sunis hitting the grass or the
flowers outside.
(21:38):
Another thing that you can do isyou can take a joy photo.
This is a great thing to do forthe rest of the year, is to take
one picture a day just for you.
It doesn't matter at all what itis.
It could be a picture of thatcoffee, it could be a picture of
your dog.
I'm terrible at taking picturesand I'm thinking, gosh, I should
(22:00):
do this now that I'm talkingabout this.
But people I see them like,they're not taking pictures of
people necessarily.
They're taking pictures ofthings, of sceneries, of signs,
of just random things.
And find those random things.
Throughout your day and take apicture of it and don't post it.
No, don't do that.
(22:20):
This is just for you.
This is for you.
And keep them organized in yourcamera roll.
Make a separate little folderfor'em and just look at'em.
Those are your glimmers.
The third thing that you coulddo is you can say it when you
feel it.
If you feel that you are sohappy to see your daughter say,
oh my God, I'm so happy to seeyou today.
(22:41):
Say it of so many times.
We feel things but we don'texpress it.
And you know what?
It's such a gift to let otherpeople know that.
And when you verbally say thatto somebody, it really sits
different with you.
It sits like in your body and inyour heart, and you feel it
more.
(23:02):
So when you feel it.
Say it to someone when you lovesomeone, say you love them, and
that is going to give you joyand it's gonna give the other
person joy too.
The fourth thing that you can dois practice future nostalgia.
I do this all the time.
(23:22):
And the question that you askis, will I miss this moment
someday?
Now I've had a lot of thesemoments with my beautiful
granddaughter and the momentsthat she falls asleep on me and
I'm just feeling her breathe upand down, and I'm just looking
at how peaceful she is.
(23:43):
I do, I think I'm gonna missthis someday, and I, I'm not
doing it from a place of like.
I'm feeling sad.
It keeps me really grounded andit makes that moment that much
more joyful for me.
So what are those moments thatyou have that you're like, I'm
(24:04):
gonna miss this someday.
That's an opportunity for you toget really present and soak it
up, soak up that moment, soak upall the feels.
The fifth thing that you can dois you can add an upside to your
complaints.
So what does that mean?
Well, it means if you're gonnacomplain, then you have to say
something good.
(24:24):
Yes, I know.
It's like the silver lining.
It makes a big difference.
Our weather is veryunpredictable here in Tennessee,
and one day it's, you know,beautiful 70 degrees and the
next day it's 40.
And it's real easy on those 40degree days to go, oh my God,
it's freezing today.
Oh, I don't even want to go out.
I'm complaining.
But you know what?
(24:45):
Then I'm like, oh, but I do lovethis jacket.
I haven't been able to wear thisin a while.
That's an upside to my complaintabout it being freezing today.
So when you catch yourselfcomplaining, add something good
about it.
It's freezing today, but I dolove this jacket.
You have to train your brain tolook for glimmers, and then you
know what happens.
(25:05):
Joy becomes a habit.
Try that between now and the endof the year.
Your glimmers are to noticethem.
Take a joy photo every singleday.
Keep it just for you.
Don't post it.
Don't post it.
Say it when you feel it.
Practice future nostalgia.
Will I miss this moment someday?
And add an upside to yourcomplaints.
(25:26):
Let's recap Today you havelearned how to prioritize what
matters most.
You have learned how to navigatethrough tough conversations with
calm, and I will leave the linksto Jefferson Fisher's, book and
his socials in the show notesfor you.
You have learned how to rethinktraditions and you have learned
(25:48):
how to say no with clarity andtrust yourself with that.
And most importantly, you havelearned how to keep your eyes
open for glimmers of joy.
Now, you know what?
This season, it doesn't have tobe perfect, and I'm gonna tell
you, it's not gonna be perfect,but it's yours.
It's your season.
So here's your challenge forthis week.
(26:11):
Say no to one thing that doesn'talign.
Just one.
What if you let go of onetradition that's not working
anymore or, and or you cancreate a new tradition with your
family.
Or you can spot one glimmer andreally hold onto it.
(26:33):
Now, we may not get the pictureperfect season that we dream
about, but I'm telling you, witha calmer nervous system and a
plan like this that supportsyour peace, you can create
moments that feel verymeaningful and very joyful for
you.
If you wanna keep the joy going,why don't you go ahead and share
this episode with somebody.
Because we all need a little bitmore joy in our lives.
(26:57):
I wanna thank you for being hereand for taking the time to take
care of yourself during thisvery busy time of year.
Please rest, please breathe.
Please pause and please find thejoy and experience it to its
fullest, and I will see you inthe next episode.
Bye for now.
Carlene (27:20):
Oh, and one more thing.
This is the legal language.
You know, the stuff that thelawyers put together, and they
say that I need to read this toyou.
So here we go.
This podcast is presented solelyfor educational and
entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend.
I'm not a licensed therapist.
This podcast is not intended asa substitute for the advice of a
(27:43):
physician, professional coach,psychotherapist, or other
qualified professionals.
Got it?
Good.
I will see you in the nextepisode.
You're never too busy, too tired, too old, or too
anything to pursue your dreams.
Welcome to the DistractedDreamer Podcast, where you'll
learn how to move all thosenever ending distractions aside
and chase your dreams withconfidence.
(00:22):
Well, hello everyone.
Welcome back to The DistractedDreamer.
I am your host Carlene, and thisis part two of our series on
managing yearend overwhelm.
And if you're just jumping inand you didn't listen to episode
54 first, you can go ahead andyou can listen to it after you
listen to this one.
That's okay.
Um, but make sure that you catchthat one because the things that
(00:46):
you can put into action fromthis episode are going to be so
much easier to do when you'veput.
The things from episode 54 intoaction first.
Okay, so let's dive in.
Because you know, this season italways comes with a lot of big
dreams, doesn't it?
Like, oh, let's have the perfectholiday and the perfect ending
(01:06):
to the year.
But you know what?
Sometimes life just doesn'tmatch that picture and that gap.
It can create a lot of stressfor us.
That's why I have two episodesdedicated to this.
Before we dive into today'sepisode, I wanna check in with
you.
How is your pause practicegoing?
(01:27):
Remember last week we talkedabout practicing the pause and
how even just a single breath orone mindful moment, or a quiet
five minute walk, it counts.
It counts.
Your nervous system notices, ifyou're trying, it means you're
practicing.
And if you're practicing, itmeans you're growing.
And so today we are going toactually turn things outward
(01:49):
because once you've learned tocalm your internal state, you
are in a much better place tomake thoughtful, grounded
choices about the things thattrigger stress on the outside.
So let's name a few of thosethings right now.
That never ending to-do list.
Yeah, that's something.
That you can have a little bitof control over now that you've
(02:11):
calmed your nervous system.
Um, what about all thosecomplicated family dynamics and
relationships?
Ooh, calming your nervoussystem.
Super important for that.
What about all those exhaustingor outdated holiday traditions
that might not be serving you?
What do you do with that?
And then there's all the guiltand pressure that makes it
really hard to say no when youreally know that is the right
(02:34):
answer.
No is the right answer.
So, does any of that soundfamiliar?
Well, of course you're notalone, because these are some of
the biggest stressors that swirlaround us at the end of the
year.
And today's episode is all abouthow to manage those differently
so that you can reclaim yourtime, your energy, and your joy
(02:56):
during this very busy season.
We are going to start where mostpeople want to start, and that
is, we think about when we'rebusy, we think about that to-do
list, whether it's a writtendown to-do list or the one that
just keeps going around andaround in your head, let's be
honest, most of our to-do lists,they are way too long.
And it's not because like we'relazy and we're not doing this
(03:18):
stuff or that we're bad atplanning, but it's because we
don't always stop to ask whysomething is even on the list.
I wanted to mention this beforewe, we dove into all of this, is
make sure that you havesomething that you can take
notes with because I am givingyou a lot of information today
with step by step instructionson how to manage some of these
(03:41):
external stressors for yourself.
If you need to hit pause, go getsomething to take notes with or
open up your apps, whatever itis.
And obviously don't do this.
If you're driving, you will comeback and you will re-listen to
the episode.
You can fast forward me and allthat good stuff, you are gonna
wanna capture this stuff.
All right, so what I wanna donow is we're talking about your
(04:01):
to-do list, and I'm gonna walkyou through a prioritization
method that can literally changethe whole arc of your day, and
you will stop beating yourselfup for not getting everything
done.
Okay, so this is super simple,step one is write it all down.
What I want you to do is thinkof everything that you have to
do between now and the end ofthe year.
(04:23):
It can be holiday related, itcan be health related, it can be
family related.
It can be work related.
It does not matter what it is.
Dump it all into one list.
There's no order, there's nofiltering, nothing.
Just brainstorm, dump it rightonto a piece of paper.
Okay?
Step two is to run each taskthrough some filters.
(04:46):
There are three filters.
There's impact filters.
There's time filters, andthere's consequence filters.
We are going to start with theimpact filters.
So the filters are basicallyquestions, Step two, what you
wanna do is you're gonna runeach of your tasks through.
(05:08):
These filters.
We're gonna start with theimpact filters.
There's three impact filters,which are basically three
questions.
The first one is, why is thisimportant?
The second impact filter iswhat's the outcome I want?
And the third is this a must door a nice to do.
(05:33):
I don't want you to overthinkthese, like this is not about
you sitting there contemplatingyour answer to this.
This is like you ask thequestion, bumping it up against
one of those tasks, and you'regonna know why is this
important?
And if you are like, I don'tknow why this is important,
that's a sign.
Maybe it shouldn't be on yourto-do list if you don't know
what the outcome is that youwant from it.
(05:54):
Mm.
That might be a sign.
It shouldn't be on your to-dolist.
And is this a must do or a niceto-do?
If you are questioning that,it's probably a nice to do.
If you have to convinceyourself, it's a must do.
It's a nice to do.
It doesn't belong on your list.
Okay, the second kind of filteris the time filters.
There's just two questions here.
The first one is, do I have thetime and energy for this?
(06:18):
Yes or no?
And the second one, does it needto happen now?
Come on.
Now.
You look at that list and I knowthere are things on there that
can wait until the new year.
There are.
Yeah, there are things on therethat you're like, oh, but I
really wanted to get this done.
Oh, oh, no, no, no, no, no.
(06:39):
This is not the time for that.
This is not the season that youshould be overloading your to-do
list because it's something thatyou're just, oh my God, I just
have to get it done.
If it doesn't need to get donenow, then it needs to come off
your list.
Then the third kind of filterare the consequence filters, so
there's two questions for that.
Is ask yourself what won't getdone if I do this?
(07:03):
So if you work on that task, ifyou do that thing, what else
isn't gonna get done?
There's always a trade off.
There's always a trade off.
You are one person and youcannot make more time.
And then the other consequencefilter.
I love this one.
Will anyone notice if it doesn'tget done?
That is anyone but you and Iguarantee if it is something
(07:30):
that no one else will notice,will get done.
Maybe you won't notice if itdoesn't get done either.
Have you ever had like somethingon your to-do list and then you
go back and a month later andyou're like.
I don't even know what I meantwhen I wrote this.
Like that happens all the timeto me.
I'm like, what was I thinkingwhen I wrote this?
I don't even know what this hasto do with anything that's
important right now.
So, will anyone notice if itdoesn't get done, will you
(07:52):
notice it a month from now ifit's not done?
If not, probably doesn't belongon your to-do list.
Step three is to schedule onlywhat matters.
So you went through thosefilters, you asked the hard
questions, you didn't overthinkit.
You were like, Nope, this onecan wait.
This one I can kill completely,but this one's gonna go on a
(08:13):
later list.
Not during my very busy end ofyear season.
No, it's not getting prioritizedright now.
The only thing that should be onyour to-do list is what is a
priority right now, and the onlyway that you're gonna get those
things done is to schedule them.
If you don't put it on thecalendar, it's not gonna happen.
So you're gonna take the tasksthat pass all those filters and
(08:37):
actually schedule time for them.
Put them in your planner andgive them a home.
And like I said, step four isthen to move everything else to
a not now list.
It's either deleted, like it's anever, or it's a not now.
But for the ones that are notnow, make sure you don't delete
them.
You just wanna store thembecause cluttering your current
(08:58):
to-do list with the maybesomeday tasks, it makes you feel
like you're failing when you'renot.
Then the fifth step is to justrevisit and reassess.
Always revisit and reassess yourlist and bump it up against
those filters.
Your to-do list, you havecontrol over it.
Step one, write it all down.
Step two, run each task throughthe filters, which are those
(09:21):
questions, for impact, time andconsequence.
Step three, schedule only.
What matters?
Step four, move everything elseto a not now list.
And step five is to revisit andreassess daily, weekly.
And remember if something liveson your not now list for weeks
(09:42):
without moving, you kind of haveto ask yourself why is it there
at all?
Let the busy work and the peoplepleasing tasks, let them fall to
the side, because if it's not ahell yes, then it's a hell no.
Here is the next biggeststressor at this time of year.
It is managing relationships andtriggers.
(10:03):
This is the stuff that you can'tschedule, this is the family
dynamics, this is the passiveaggressive comments or getting
steamrolled in a groupconversation.
Because listen, you can'texactly hop in a hot shower when
someone says somethingtriggering at dinner, right?
We learned that if you get in ahot shower, that will help calm
your nervous system, but youcan't do that.
So you might want to go back todoing some deep breathing when
(10:26):
these things happen, and so thisis where nervous system
regulation, it meetscommunication.
First, breathe that breath.
It grounds you before you react.
Drop your shoulders, feel yourfeet on the floor.
And then what I want you to dois I want you to respond to
(10:46):
using some tools from JeffersonFisher.
He's a lawyer and an author ofthe next conversation.
And if you haven't followed himyet, do it.
He's incredible at teaching youexactly what to say in tricky
conversations.
So lemme give you an example.
When someone is constantlyinterrupting you or derails the
(11:08):
conversation, Jeffersonrecommends saying, Hey, I wanna
hear what you're saying.
Let me just finish my thoughtfirst.
That's simple.
It's respectful, it's direct it.
When you're sitting there upsetthat somebody is interrupting
you or they have topic changedon you, it's really hard to
(11:30):
think of what to say.
That is respectful and direct.
And this is one of the thingsthat bothers me most in
conversations is the constantinterruptions and the topic
switching.
And so I have learned how tojust say this like, Hey, I
really do wanna hear what you'resaying, but let me just finish
my thoughts first.
(11:50):
Okay.
So if that's something thatbothers you, that's how you
respond, or here's anotherexample.
When you get a passiveaggressive comment at the table.
Try this.
And this is according toJefferson Fisher to say, I'm not
sure what you meant by that.
Can you clarify?
And you know what he says?
(12:10):
That, that one sentence, itshuts it down.
It forces the person to owntheir words and usually they
back off.
So what's the one dysfunctionalconversation that gets you every
time?
Identify it and then studyJefferson's.
(12:33):
Work, practice the words, havethe script ready, and you are
gonna feel so much more incontrol when it comes up.
And you know what?
You cannot change the otherperson, but you can change how
you respond to them.
So you wanna respond, you don'twanna react.
(12:53):
Really think about what arethose conversations?
Just pick one or two.
Do a little research, go toJefferson Fisher's Instagram,
his LinkedIn, get his book.
Um, you can probably Google AIthis, and it'll pull up all the
things that he recommends.
Just pick one or two andpractice practice it.
(13:14):
So when you are sitting atChristmas dinner and it happens.
You feel in control.
Here's another thing that comesup over the holidays.
Our traditions.
Traditions.
They're beautiful until theybecome exhausting, if you are
questioning whether a tradition.
Is still worth your time andeffort and energy, or if it's
(13:36):
still meaningful, then you wannaask yourself these questions,
and the first one is, I justgave it away, is you wanna ask
yourself, is this traditionstill meaningful?
And then you wanna ask yourself,does it still serve the family
in its current form?
Maybe it's something that's beendone.
I don't know when people whoaren't even with us anymore,
were here and nobody is reallyfeeling attached to that
(14:00):
tradition anymore.
But you keep doing it justbecause you don't wanna be the
person who says, maybe weshouldn't do this anymore.
And then you have to askyourself who's doing the
emotional labor or the physicallabor to keep the tradition
going?
Here's an example.
Let's say you always host aholiday cookie decorating party,
but now the kids are older andyou're swamped and no one even
eats the cookies.
(14:21):
You know, you can say, Hey, ifthis is still important to
everyone, I'd love to find a waythat we can all pitch in, or
maybe we come up with a newtradition that feels a little
lighter for everyone.
I just want you to remember atthis time of year that
traditions they can evolve justlike we do.
When we actually look at ourtraditions, it kind of clears
(14:42):
the way for us to look at it andgo.
What else do we wanna do now?
What's a tradition that we wannastart now?
Um, I think it's one of thecoolest things to start a
tradition.
Like I love all the traditionsthat we have.
And I don't think there's anythat I wanna get rid of.
Um, but I also do like creatingnew ones, especially with new
(15:05):
generations that come into thefamily.
Just think about that and havean open conversation and make it
fun, with your family.
The next thing that we need todo over not just the holidays,
but the end of the year season,is we have to learn how to say
no.
Saying no, helps manage all thatstuff that's swirling around us,
let's look at what you'vealready done here.
(15:27):
You, you've done the work,you've cleaned up your to-do
list.
You have clarified what mattersmost to you, but here's the
truth, all that clarity, it goesout the window if you don't
learn how to say no.
So every time someone asks youto do something to help with an
event, or to attend somegathering or to join a project.
(15:49):
You've got to bump that requestup against what you've already
prioritized for the rest of theyear.
That's why we started with yourto-do list.
Because based on your currenttime, energy, and capacity, the
only way to say yes to somethingnew is to bump something else
off the list.
(16:10):
The real question becomes, isthis yes.
Worth it?
And if you want to beintentional and not reactive
about your time, here are fivequestions to help you get clear
on whether a no might be themost loving, aligned answer you
can give to yourself and to theother person.
(16:33):
When somebody asks you to dosomething between now and the
end of the year, the firstquestion you ask is, does this
align with my current prioritiesand goals?
Maybe you're like, well, rightnow I promised myself I'd
protect my weekends so that Icould get the house ready for
the holidays.
As fun as this sounds whatyou're asking me to do, it
(16:56):
doesn't move me towards thatgoal.
Or maybe you're gonna say, Hey,I'm focusing on rest and
simplifying right now and takingthis on.
It pulls me back into busy mode.
See, you can say no.
So does this align with mycurrent priorities and goals?
You have to remember what yourcurrent priorities and goals
are.
That's why you have to go backup to your to-do list.
(17:18):
The second thing that you needto ask yourself when somebody
asks you to do something new is,am I saying yes out of guilt or
obligation?
And maybe this sounds like, ifI'm honest, I only wanna say
yes, so they're notdisappointed.
But deep down, I don't actuallywanna do it.
Or another version might be, youknow what?
(17:40):
They've helped me before, so Ifeel like I owe them, but I know
my worth isn't tied to alwayssaying yes.
The third question you can askyourself.
Is will saying yes to this costme time, energy, or focus that I
can't afford to give.
(18:00):
maybe you're sitting therethinking if I say yes, it means
that I have to work late again,and I promise myself I'd stop
doing that.
Or maybe you're thinking thissounds exciting, but I've
already committed to two bigprojects.
If I add this something else,like my sleep is gonna suffer.
(18:21):
Will saying, yes, cost me time,energy, or focus, I can't afford
to give.
Here's the fourth question isthis a should or a true want?
If somebody asks you to dosomething and you're thinking, I
feel like I should go, because,well, it is a good networking
opportunity, but I don't feelany real excitement about it.
(18:41):
Yeah, it's probably a no, ormaybe you're thinking, everyone
says I should say yes becauseyou know it's gonna help me with
my business or my career, butthis really doesn't light me up.
I'd rather wait for the right.
Yes.
So then wait for the right.
Yes.
This should be a no.
Then the fifth question youwanna ask yourself is, if I say
(19:04):
yes to this, what am I saying noto?
If I take this meeting.
Then I'm saying no to the blockI protected on my calendar to
work on another project.
Or if I say yes to this extrashift, I'm saying no to dinner
with my family.
And that connection feels moreimportant right now.
Again, if those are things thatyou're hearing and feeling,
(19:28):
that's something that you wannasay no to, then.
Here's the bottom line when itcomes to saying no is you don't
really need a script.
You, you need clarity becauseyour script is, no, that's it.
No, you don't need to explainyour no, you just need to say
no.
The problem is you're not clearon why you should say no.
(19:51):
And that clarity, it comes whenyou listen to your gut.
Don't listen to the guilt.
You gotta listen to your gut.
And you know what else beforeyou give a yes that feels off
pause.
You know how to pause now.
We did it in the last episode.
You're still practicing it,right?
Pause before you say yes, youwanna check in with your heart
(20:14):
and your calendar because theyare gonna lie to you, I promise.
The last thing that I wannacover today isn't necessarily
about managing the stuff that'sswirling around you.
It's more about choosing thethings that are swirling around
you.
And they're called glimmers.
After you've done all the workthat we just talked about, don't
(20:35):
skip this part.
This is so important.
Glimmers, they're the oppositeof triggers.
They're the little sparks ofcalm, of peace, of connection,
or joy.
That tell your brain, Hey, we'reokay, and what I want you to do
is I want you to find them andthis, you have to be really
(20:56):
intentional about this, and I'mgonna give you some tips on how
to find some glimmers becausethat is where the joy is.
This is supposed to be theseason of joy.
Let's find the joy.
A lot of people say, oh, go, gocreate the joy.
That seems like a lot.
But you know what?
Joy already exists.
You just gotta pay attention.
(21:16):
So here's some ways that you canfind them.
The first one is to notice them.
I know that sounds obvious.
Like notice'em, I am talkinglike a hot cup of coffee.
Or what about when a strangersmiles at you?
It could be the lady that'schecking you out at Walmart
maybe it's the way that the sunis hitting the grass or the
flowers outside.
(21:38):
Another thing that you can do isyou can take a joy photo.
This is a great thing to do forthe rest of the year, is to take
one picture a day just for you.
It doesn't matter at all what itis.
It could be a picture of thatcoffee, it could be a picture of
your dog.
I'm terrible at taking picturesand I'm thinking, gosh, I should
(22:00):
do this now that I'm talkingabout this.
But people I see them like,they're not taking pictures of
people necessarily.
They're taking pictures ofthings, of sceneries, of signs,
of just random things.
And find those random things.
Throughout your day and take apicture of it and don't post it.
No, don't do that.
(22:20):
This is just for you.
This is for you.
And keep them organized in yourcamera roll.
Make a separate little folderfor'em and just look at'em.
Those are your glimmers.
The third thing that you coulddo is you can say it when you
feel it.
If you feel that you are sohappy to see your daughter say,
oh my God, I'm so happy to seeyou today.
(22:41):
Say it of so many times.
We feel things but we don'texpress it.
And you know what?
It's such a gift to let otherpeople know that.
And when you verbally say thatto somebody, it really sits
different with you.
It sits like in your body and inyour heart, and you feel it
more.
(23:02):
So when you feel it.
Say it to someone when you lovesomeone, say you love them, and
that is going to give you joyand it's gonna give the other
person joy too.
The fourth thing that you can dois practice future nostalgia.
I do this all the time.
(23:22):
And the question that you askis, will I miss this moment
someday?
Now I've had a lot of thesemoments with my beautiful
granddaughter and the momentsthat she falls asleep on me and
I'm just feeling her breathe upand down, and I'm just looking
at how peaceful she is.
(23:43):
I do, I think I'm gonna missthis someday, and I, I'm not
doing it from a place of like.
I'm feeling sad.
It keeps me really grounded andit makes that moment that much
more joyful for me.
So what are those moments thatyou have that you're like, I'm
(24:04):
gonna miss this someday.
That's an opportunity for you toget really present and soak it
up, soak up that moment, soak upall the feels.
The fifth thing that you can dois you can add an upside to your
complaints.
So what does that mean?
Well, it means if you're gonnacomplain, then you have to say
something good.
(24:24):
Yes, I know.
It's like the silver lining.
It makes a big difference.
Our weather is veryunpredictable here in Tennessee,
and one day it's, you know,beautiful 70 degrees and the
next day it's 40.
And it's real easy on those 40degree days to go, oh my God,
it's freezing today.
Oh, I don't even want to go out.
I'm complaining.
But you know what?
(24:45):
Then I'm like, oh, but I do lovethis jacket.
I haven't been able to wear thisin a while.
That's an upside to my complaintabout it being freezing today.
So when you catch yourselfcomplaining, add something good
about it.
It's freezing today, but I dolove this jacket.
You have to train your brain tolook for glimmers, and then you
know what happens.
(25:05):
Joy becomes a habit.
Try that between now and the endof the year.
Your glimmers are to noticethem.
Take a joy photo every singleday.
Keep it just for you.
Don't post it.
Don't post it.
Say it when you feel it.
Practice future nostalgia.
Will I miss this moment someday?
And add an upside to yourcomplaints.
(25:26):
Let's recap Today you havelearned how to prioritize what
matters most.
You have learned how to navigatethrough tough conversations with
calm, and I will leave the linksto Jefferson Fisher's, book and
his socials in the show notesfor you.
You have learned how to rethinktraditions and you have learned
(25:48):
how to say no with clarity andtrust yourself with that.
And most importantly, you havelearned how to keep your eyes
open for glimmers of joy.
Now, you know what?
This season, it doesn't have tobe perfect, and I'm gonna tell
you, it's not gonna be perfect,but it's yours.
It's your season.
So here's your challenge forthis week.
(26:11):
Say no to one thing that doesn'talign.
Just one.
What if you let go of onetradition that's not working
anymore or, and or you cancreate a new tradition with your
family.
Or you can spot one glimmer andreally hold onto it.
(26:33):
Now, we may not get the pictureperfect season that we dream
about, but I'm telling you, witha calmer nervous system and a
plan like this that supportsyour peace, you can create
moments that feel verymeaningful and very joyful for
you.
If you wanna keep the joy going,why don't you go ahead and share
this episode with somebody.
Because we all need a little bitmore joy in our lives.
(26:57):
I wanna thank you for being hereand for taking the time to take
care of yourself during thisvery busy time of year.
Please rest, please breathe.
Please pause and please find thejoy and experience it to its
fullest, and I will see you inthe next episode.
Bye for now.
Carlene (27:20):
Oh, and one more thing.
This is the legal language.
You know, the stuff that thelawyers put together, and they
say that I need to read this toyou.
So here we go.
This podcast is presented solelyfor educational and
entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend.
I'm not a licensed therapist.
This podcast is not intended asa substitute for the advice of a
(27:43):
physician, professional coach,psychotherapist, or other
qualified professionals.
Got it?
Good.
I will see you in the nextepisode.
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