December 18, 2021 • 36 mins
The host, Femi the Divine, discusses pushing through pain, past hurts, disappointments, and how to turn them into personal power.
Online self help group community - Intotherooms.com
Therapeutic Writing Workshop - Writing for my Sanity Therapeutic Writing Workshop
Will Resume 1/5/2022
Book - The Recovering Spender by Lauren Greutman
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IG @divinehealingpodcast
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Contact info - Femi the Divine
IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I'm your host family, thedivine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for tuning into thisweek show.
If you are a brand new listener,thank you for pushing the play
button and if you're a returninglistener.
Welcome back.
So before we get into today'sshow, I just want to again, say
thank you all to everyone whohas listened everybody.
That's reached out to mepersonally and provided positive
(00:23):
feedback.
I'm happy to hear that you allare listening that this is
making sense to you.
Okay.
I think the information helpfuljust as I've seen it in past
episodes, this was literallysomething I was supposed to do
by spirit, for me to sharethings that have helped me along
my healing journey.
And I'm happy to hear thatthat's actually helping that
this is actually happening.
(00:43):
Again, anything that I discussedin this podcast, these are the
things that I've personally gonethrough.
These are personal things thatI've worked through, you know,
either on my own or with someoneon my team.
This is just me sharing.
What has authentically workedfor me.
So I'm happy to hear that thethings that have worked for me,
you all have found some value inthat.
Today's topic is going to beturning pain into power.
(01:06):
Experienced life as we gothrough things on this human
journey, we will deal withpainful experiences.
It's inevitable.
I'm speaking specifically aboutmental and emotional pain here.
As some of us do experiencephysical pain, sometimes as a
result of emotional pain.
Part of my life, as you allknow, I am a chronically ill
person.
I'm a spoonie, so I get boats.
(01:27):
But in this particular episode,I'm speaking specifically about
mental and emotional pain here.
Sometimes once we reachadulthood, we're still dealing
with situations from ourchildhood or young adulthood.
Maybe we're dealing with painfulsituations that are fairly
recent.
Either way nobody goes throughlife with.
Painful situations.
And sometimes we let that painhold us back instead of
(01:49):
propelling us forward.
Sometimes the situation may besomething that has been done to
us and maybe it was beyond ourcontrol.
Sometimes it's something we didto someone else.
It could have been as a directresult of some pain that was
inflicted on us.
Something we're still dealingwith.
It could have been a choice thatwe made at the time that maybe
wasn't quite the best choice or.
(02:11):
I thought it was the best choicewith the information that we had
available to us at the time.
Sometimes it's, you know, usreeling from a painful response
from something we did tosomebody else, but let's be
honest about it.
Most of the time.
At least something we havecontributed to, we've all heard
the saying that there's twosides to every story, but I
mean, the realistic thing ismost of the time there's three,
(02:33):
you know, there's something thatyou did.
There's something that they didand there's something that you
both contributed to, but thatdoesn't make any.
Painful, you know, regardless ofwho did what to whom it doesn't
necessarily make the situationany less painful, you could be
in a situation where you'refeeling stuck.
You're feeling confused.
You're following and self pity.
(02:54):
Maybe you're feeling like afailure because you've tried
everything that you could and,you know, things didn't work out
the way that you would've likedthem to do.
But pain is a natural part oflife.
Life is not always going to bepeaches and cream and roses and
rainbows and unicorns.
And.
The things that are out of ourcontrol, but understand that
(03:15):
being stuck in where I wouldconsider to be your victim hood
is not the answer.
If you're stuck on, oh mygoodness.
Everything is happening to me.
Why is this happening to me?
You may have.
And your victim.
Sometimes it's a situationwhere, you know, somebody does
(03:36):
something to you.
It's painful, it's a difficultexperience and you're stuck in,
why did they do this to me?
They did this and that.
And everybody you come intocontact with, you're replaying
that situation and they did thisand this and this to me and so
on and so forth.
While that may be true, itdoesn't benefit you to stay
stuck in that particular energy.
(03:58):
Okay.
Staying there and constantlyreplaying the situation and
going over what was done to you.
You're stuck in your victimhood, and really you are
allowing that person, not evenso much to take your power.
You're giving them too muchpower over your life.
First of all, but not evenreally.
You're allowing them to take thepower.
(04:20):
You're really just giving itaway.
You're really just giving itaway to them because you.
The stock in this spinninghamster wheel or on this real,
because you can't move past it.
Sometimes we don't move pastthings because maybe we haven't
had an opportunity to fullyprocess the situation.
(04:42):
It's not even a matter ofavoiding it.
You really haven't had time toprocess what has happened.
We'll be in your you're dealingwith emotions.
You may have emotions that youdon't understand.
You may have emotions that youdon't even know how to
articulate.
You can't explain how you feelor why you're feeling that way.
You may still need time toprocess that may take time
(05:05):
depending on how grave thesituation was.
And not only that, but howdeeply it impacted you.
We'll go through the same exactsituation and have different
outcomes.
We all come to the table withdifferent past experiences.
We are all at varying levels ofemotional intelligence.
We all have different copingskills.
(05:27):
So two people experiencing thesame exact situation, you know,
will not deal with it the sameway we may say.
Then our victim hood, becausewe're feeling afraid, we've
settled into this identity,maybe inadvertently, and we
don't know how to let it go.
We don't know how to moveforward.
This is all we know.
And maybe we're waiting forsomebody to swoop in and save us
(05:48):
and provide directions.
Instructions.
Sometimes we say stuck becausewe just don't know what to do
again, waiting for somebody tocome save us or provide
instructions.
Okay.
I feel like in that particularsituation you deserved, whatever
happens to you.
If somebody else inflicted somesort of painful situation or
caused some sort of painfulsituation in your life, please
(06:09):
understand you didn't deserveit.
Or you.
I feel helpless.
I feel like moving forward fromhere, isn't going to change
anything because again, you'vesettled into this identity.
We've all been there right?
As we come to a point in my lifewhere I to realize that staying
there did not serve me.
(06:31):
It was not benefiting me in anyway to stay in my victimhood and
to continue to real over andover about the past.
I had to come to the realizationthat I had the power to relieve
myself from that particularsituation.
From those thoughts, from thoseactions, from feeling sad or
(06:54):
disappointed or.
I feel hurt or any of thosethings.
I had to come to a point where Ihad to be like, okay, I'm over
it.
I'm done.
And it's time to move on.
Now.
I'm not saying don't sit withyour feelings because you're
entitled to feel the way thatyou feel about anything that's
happened to you just don't staythere, get to a point where you
(07:15):
work through it and you pickyour.
And you move on.
Also keep in mind that when wesay stuck in a particular
situation or a frame of mindthat you are allowing that to be
(07:39):
a hindrance to you as ablockage, don't allow pain to
dictate how you will live therest of your life.
You deserve more than that, youdeserve better.
Joe allow your life to be robbedof all of the wonderful things
that you want to go on and doall of the pleasurable things
that you want to experience,because you just literally can't
(08:01):
get past a mental blocks.
We're all going to go throughpainful situations.
And sometimes those thingschange the trajectory of our
lives.
Sometimes there's things that wecan't where we.
Control over the only person youliterally can control is you and
you can make the choice to moveforward.
(08:24):
So how do we do that?
Let's talk about that.
You have to learn how to pushthrough.
So the first thing I would sayis to sit with your emotions
about the situation.
Really think about what it isthat is bothering you.
What is the root of the issuehere?
What are your triggers?
Sometimes when we have a painfulexperience and we're upset,
(08:48):
we're in our feelings, we'resad.
We're feeling down, we're angry.
We could be upset.
We can be angry.
We could be bitter, whateveryour response is.
Think about what the root of theissue is because sometimes.
It's really not what we think itis.
It could be that we're beingreminded of a past experience
that we've never dealt with.
(09:09):
It could be that there'ssomething in this situation that
is triggering from something intheir past.
It could be that maybe thisparticular situation is painful,
but this is the straw that brokethe camel's back in a sense.
Of painful experiences.
And at this point you're like,you know what?
This is it.
I can't do this no more.
(09:32):
The next thing now that you'vesat with your emotions and
please believe that may takesome time.
You may not wake up tomorrow ornext month or next week, or even
next year.
It'd be in a space where youtotally dealt with your emotions
and you've been able to releasethat.
Let that go take the time to dowhat you need to do.
If you need to scream, if youneed to cry, if you need to take
(09:52):
a staycation, if you need tojournal, if you need to.
If you need to physicallyrelease all of your anger into
something, do that, literallychannel that pain into something
else.
I mean, nowadays, you know,people, you can go and you can
go places and you can ask,throw, or I saw something.
(10:14):
Facebook, not too long ago,somebody posted on my timeline
and they went to an event and Ithink it was called a break room
or destruction room or somethinglike that.
And literally they pay for asession.
They had a certain amount oftime in this room and they could
destroy pretty much everythingin the room.
I think.
Except for this one table andthe floor.
I don't know what the table offour had do with anything, but
they could just pretty much justgo ham and destroy everything in
(10:36):
the room, get all of theiraggression, their anger,
whatever it is that they neededto release.
They were able to get it out inthat session.
Sometimes people go to the gunrange.
Sometimes people meditate, theydo yoga, all the things that
we've talked about on thispodcast, but it, once you have
settled with those, you have satwith your emotions and if you
still feel like you need torelease them, find some way to
(10:58):
release.
So you can let it go and moveon.
The next thing you want to do istake a deep breath, take a step
back and reassess the situation.
So now that you've had time toprocess, what has really
happened here, what has reallybothered you and the why take a
step back and take ownership.
(11:19):
This is where acceptance comesin.
This is where accountabilitycomes in, make the commitment to
grow from this particularsituation, right?
necessarily, except what hashappened to you.
I'm not saying necessarily takeaccountability or blame yourself
for what happened.
That's not what I'm saying here.
(11:39):
What I'm saying is takeownership of the fact that this
is your life.
You are choosing to not allow.
Situation person, place thing,be a hindrance to you anymore
because you are ready to moveforward and take ownership
decided that this is my life andthis is what I am going to
release.
This is what I'm going to putbehind me.
(12:00):
And I am now going to pushthrough and move onward and
upwards take ownership of yourlife from this point forward.
Take some time to think of.
What did you learn from thissituation?
Sometimes we learn things thatwe want out of life when
situations don't go the way thatwe want them to go.
Sometimes we learn what we wantby experiencing what we don't
(12:23):
want.
And it makes you take a stepback and think about, okay, well
maybe I thought that was what Iwanted, but maybe it's not,
maybe it wasn't.
Were there any, are you sayingany repeating habits or
behaviors that have sprung up asa result of that particular
situation?
Are those now a hindrance or ablockage to you moving forward?
(12:47):
Those things.
What would you do differentlynext time?
If anything, maybe there isn'tanything different that you
would have done in thissituation, but maybe there were
ways that you could haveimproved or maybe taking a step
back and realizing, okay.
Maybe I did contribute to thesituation by doing this and that
maybe in the future, I'm notgoing to handle things that way.
(13:07):
Take a look at where.
Particular pain from thissituation is playing out in your
life.
That goes back to thoserepeating habits and behaviors.
I know I talked about this in, Ibelieve it was the first or
second episode where I had a jobthat was really horrible and I
ended up leaving, but somethingthat I realized.
As I moved into my next job,there was some, I don't know, I
(13:29):
guess it was unresolved orresidual energy from the last
experience.
I don't even know if I want todescribe it as maybe PTSD, but
just feeling.
When I moved into a new role,completely different job career
path company, all of that, itwas like every time I got called
into the office about something,or I got an email about
(13:51):
something and somebody needed tospeak with me about something
they wanted to meet with me.
I was just full on panic.
Like, oh my God, what'shappening.
Am I in trouble?
Am I getting written up?
It was like being called to theprincipal's office.
Oh my God.
What's happening.
I must be getting fired today.
Like just completely flippingout.
And I realized that it was froma direct result of the horrible
experience I have with my lastemployer, because that literally
(14:13):
was what happened.
Every time I turned around, Ifelt like I was being pulled up
about something.
And the thing was, you know, itwas a brand new job.
It was a brand new department.
There weren't policies orprocedures in place.
I was the only person in myrole.
So I didn't have anybody I cango to for help.
And then on top of all of thislearning, everything being new
to me, I was battling a chronicillness at the time that was
(14:35):
sucking my energy dry, that wascausing pain, discomfort, all of
that.
So trying to balance the two andthe rest of my life.
Snowballed into a whole lot ofmess, but it seemed like every
time I turned around and I wasbeing pulled up about things and
some somewhere rightfully so,because I wasn't doing well at
the time and others, it waspetty shit.
Like for real, it was stuff thatwasn't important.
(14:58):
It was stuff that was beingnagged and complained.
It was stuff that wasmisinterpreted.
And when I moved on to a newsituation, I carried all of that
panic and anxiety.
And insecurity about myperformance at work, into the
next role.
(15:18):
And please understand that everyjob I ever had before.
Most of the time when I wouldget a job, I would go on the
interviews.
Interview will go, well, I wouldget the job I would get in my
role.
I would figure the job out maybeabout six months or so, and then
I'll be born and ready to moveon.
I always was the top performerin every role that I had,
whether it was something I didbefore or not, or I learned, you
(15:39):
know, it was a new role that Ilearned at that point in time.
I always would blow everybody onmy team.
And the department, whatever outof the water effortlessly, I
always excelled in everythingthat I ever said in life.
That that was just my intention.
That's what I came here to do.
So just being in a situationwhere I was doing so poorly,
much of which, because of thingsthat are automatic.
(16:02):
And they're failing miserably.
I carry that experience into thenext role when I shouldn't have,
because it should have been aclean slate, a fresh start, you
know, but it was just, itlingered in the back of my mind
because it was just somethingthat I just could not move past
because I was afraid.
Situation replaying itself.
Again, I'm in a situation wherethings are new.
Again, I'm in a situation whereI'm having to now be trained and
(16:24):
learn things that I've neverdone before.
I mean, in the last job, theyain't even train me, but that's
a whole nother thing.
But realize that.
Anxious insecure.
Panicky behavior was a directresult from a previous
situation.
That was not something I everexperienced in my life as it
related to work.
And I had to take a step backand be like, wait a minute.
(16:46):
What is going on here?
And think about the why.
So what I figured out the why.
Okay, well, what am I going todo now to move out of this head
space so that I can move on andbe successful so that this
doesn't impact my.
Does it hinder me from beingable to learn the things that I
need to do, and this doesn'thinder me from performing great.
(17:07):
Like I know that I can.
The next thing we want to thinkabout is shifting our
perspective.
Is there a silver lining here inthis particular situation?
Yes.
It may have been painful.
It may have been uncomfortable.
It may have been undesirable.
Where you really think about it.
Did you Dodge a bullet?
(17:29):
Think about the situation from aspace of not why is this
happening to me, but what isthis teaching me think about?
What am I supposed to learn in?
Away from this situation to useas, you know, background or
(17:53):
experience to navigate the nextone.
So shift your perspective.
Yes.
It may have been a horriblesituation or a horrible
experience, but you survived it,you survived a hundred percent
of all of your worst days sofar.
Cause you're still here.
Right?
So shift your perception.
Reframe the experience, figureout what it is that you can
learn and take away as you moveonward and upward.
(18:16):
The next thing I want to talkabout is seeking support.
We've talked about positivecoping skills, almost every
episode, maybe support is yourtherapist.
Maybe it's a trusted familymember or friend.
Maybe it's a trusted advisor,whether it's a spiritual advisor
(18:37):
or.
I don't know, maybe a mentor ora career advisor or somebody
that you go to for advice, maybeseeking support there, maybe
seeking support from some sortof support group or community
that could be online or inperson.
I know I talked about thetherapeutic.
Group that I used to go to.
I think I talked about that inepisode one.
(18:58):
I posted a link about that aswell.
Cause she's still hosting thaton zoom and that's available to
everybody it's free on Tuesdays.
Apple's the information aboutthat in the show notes.
But making sure that we're usingpositive coping skills and
mechanisms that we're notpracticing escapist behavior
scape his behavior or thingsthat we do to avoid.
We do them to avoid dealing withthe situation at hand right
(19:20):
then.
And there are we sleeping toomuch to board our problems?
Are we overeating?
Are we spending too much money?
That was mine.
Have a good day, treat yourself,have a bad day.
Treat yourself.
I had to get out of that patternbecause it was impacting my
finances.
I had a mountain of credit carddebt that I had to deal with
because I was an emotionalspender.
(19:41):
If that's you, there is a bookcalled the recovering spender.
That's really good.
And it talks about basicallyemotionally spending and
spending, being in addiction.
I suppose the information aboutthat in the show notes as well.
Are you drinking too much?
Are you eating too much?
Are you using drugs?
Are you overusing prescriptions?
Are you taking a lot of sleepingpills and other things like that
(20:03):
to numb or to get rest becauseyou need to calm your mind.
Are we overworking?
That's a big one.
Are we keeping ourselves so busythat we don't have time to think
about the things that we need towork through?
Overworking is a big one.
As we live in this hustle typeof society, people say, oh,
(20:25):
we'll sleep when we're dead.
One thing about me, I'm going totake me a nap.
Okay.
Use your tools, use whatevertools that are available to you
for support.
If you are dealing with somesort of addiction, whether it be
alcoholism, prescription drugs,illicit drugs there is a website
called into the rooms.com whereyou can attend.
(20:47):
You can attend them on zoomanonymously for free over the
telephone over video.
And one thing I noticed, one ofmy clients in my day job was
utilizing that service.
And I went on there to look atit just to see what it was
about.
They have rooms that about otherthings other than that.
I thought that was pretty cool.
So I'll put that information inthe show notes as well.
I was called into the.
Dot com, but there are a lot offree resources, even just
(21:08):
Facebook groups or insecure andpages.
You know, those types ofcommunities can be free and you
can chat with other people whoare dealing with the same type
of situation that you are, or ifyou have someone in your life
that you're seeking to assist,maybe join so that you can
gather some of that informationas well, but just seek out
support.
There are lots of resources outhere available to us, and many
(21:28):
of them are free.
The next thing we want to do isto make adjustments.
Address those things that cameup during your assessment.
So I talked about how I had totake stock and reassessed.
Why am I having all this panickybehavior as it relates to work
something else that I had todeal with.
And I've talked about this inprevious episodes about, things
(21:49):
that were related to my husbandI was married for a period of
time.
I'm actually.
In the process of divorcing myhusband and I are no longer
together.
And part of the reason thatwe're no longer together is
because I started to do thisparticular healing work and
realizing that.
There were a lot of things thatneeded to be addressed and in an
(22:10):
attempt for me and for him andus to address them collectively,
it was just time to end thatrelationship and move on from my
perspective.
But something that I had to dealwith and make adjustments on is,
you know, dating is new.
And I realized that my husbandwas a Stonewall man.
So whenever.
(22:31):
He was in his feelings aboutsomething he didn't wanna
discuss.
He was mad at me aboutsomething.
Sometimes it was over somethingthat really had nothing to do
with me.
Sometimes it was, I didsomething he didn't particularly
care for.
I didn't do something he wantedme to do.
He was.
Stonewall mate, meaning he wouldjust not speak to me, not
acknowledge me, how do you livein a house?
(22:51):
Somebody you don't acknowledge,but I realized that that was
playing out in my relationshipswith other people, because I
would be compassionate when Iwould reach out to somebody and
they didn't get back to mewithin, I don't know, some
arbitrary amount of time.
So too long to me.
And it always would take me intothis spiral of, oh my God,
(23:14):
they're avoiding me.
Did I do something wrong?
Like, are they upset with me?
Like what's happening here?
Why are they not talking to mewhen the reality of the
situation.
Maybe they were just busy.
Maybe it had nothing to do withme.
Is it possible that they wereboarding me or they're upset
with me?
Right.
Do something to them.
(23:35):
Yeah.
But the value situation, thatwas not the case.
99% of the time people are PC.
But every time I was in asituation where it seems.
Someone took too long and toolong for whatever I felt like it
was too long.
I don't have a number of theamount of time or days or
whatever it is.
(23:55):
It caused me to go into thispanic because it took me back to
that space of feeling like I wasbeing punished sometimes for
something again, that I had nocontrol over or something that I
couldn't do, because rememberI'm still working through being
disabled and being chronicallyill, or maybe I was just
exhausted and I couldn't get toit.
And it's not even a situationwhere I wasn't communicating
those things, but he had his ownthings that he had to work
(24:17):
through and he legit wasStonewall.
Like not talk to me for days.
And I had to realize.
That was spilling over intoother situations in my life,
especially after he and I choseto part ways.
That's something that I had totake a step back and reassessed
like, okay, calm down.
You have no reason to believethat that's why this is
happening.
(24:38):
You can't bring your pastsituation in this instance, into
this one, because what itresulted in is one me panicking
and being all weird and too, insome situations being extra
clingy with people.
They're feeling like there wasthis need for reassurance that
they weren't mad at me.
They weren't upset with me, butI didn't disappoint them.
(24:59):
It realized that.
I need to seek approval formyself before seeking it from
outside from other people.
And it would just be the mostasinine, like silly situations.
But I realized that that was atrauma response from what I
dealt with with my husband.
I really had to take some timeto take a step back and look at
it from a different perspectiveand then make adjustments
(25:21):
because now I know to be morecognizant of that, and I'm not
going to say that those feelingsnever creep up because sometimes
they still do even now.
And he and I have a bit togetherfor.
Year and a half, almost twoyears, but realizing that, okay,
calm down.
It's not that deep people arebusy.
Like aren't you busy.
Sometimes they don't have timeto respond to that.
(25:44):
Everybody's not mad at you.
We just live busy lives.
I also think that, given thefact that we all have cell
phones, people sometimes thinkor feel that we're supposed to
be available to people 24 7, youknow, immediately because we
have that cell phone and that'sreally not the case.
You're not obligated to respondto anybody if you don't feel
like it, or until you get to it.
But we, you know, we kind oflive in this popcorn society
(26:05):
where everybody feels like, justbecause you have a cell phone,
you're supposed to be availableto them at all times.
And that's just not.
You know, if you don't feel likeit's your phone, don't answer
your phone.
You need to go do not disturb.
That's something I've recentlyhad to start doing, because I
felt like every time I laid downto take a nap to my recall.
So, no, I'm not available to youbecause I've taken a nap, but it
could just be, I'm not availablebecause I don't feel like being
(26:25):
available right now.
That's something that I had tothink about logically, like,
okay, calm down.
They're not ignoring it.
But I realized that that was atrauma response from years of
dealing with stonewalling in mymarriage.
Also keep in mind that youbrought, we are listening to
(26:46):
this podcast and you may beworking on your own healing, or
maybe you are listening and youwant to assist others in your
life with your healing process.
Maybe you're the person thatcaused the pain and the other
person is healing.
And you want to help them to tryto recover this situation.
There's someone in your life,that's going through something
(27:06):
painful, understand that theremay not be anything that you can
do directly to help them,especially if they're not ready,
sometimes there's nothing thatyou can do directly to fix it.
Especially if it's somethingbig, like you're dealing with
generational, hurt and pain forpeople not working through their
(27:28):
own banks.
But you can support and helpthem to just feel safe.
Every assure them that you lovethem.
And that you're there for them.
You have their best interests atheart that you want to support
them.
And sometimes that's really allyou can do.
Don't feel.
It could be an understand that Ican be frustrating, especially
(27:49):
when you feel like you'redrilling your healing work and
the other person is, and maybeit's just not their time.
Maybe they're not there yet.
Maybe they haven't gottenthrough the processing piece or
they're still working throughtheir things.
Sometimes when you're dealingwith deep seated hurt, it may
take years.
It may take years of therapy.
It may take years of healing.
I understand that maybe.
(28:11):
Those things have built up overtime.
It's going to take time to breakthem down.
So if you're in a situation withsomeone where they're not at the
place that you are just lovethem through it, offer
resources.
If you can be a listening ear,you have the capacity to do
that.
(28:31):
Be a listening ear.
It may be a situation wheremaybe they don't want your
advice specifically, but theyjust may want you to listen.
Maybe there are conversationsthat need to be had to
facilitate this healing process.
So folks can move on.
Maybe they need to get thingsout.
Maybe they have questions.
Maybe they want to talk throughit.
Maybe they.
(28:52):
But let them take the lead inthis situation and just reassure
them that you're there for them.
And you want to support them andhelp them in any way that you
can and ask them how you can beof support.
A lot of times we tell people,oh, let me know if you need
anything.
I'm here.
If you need me, but not everreally explicitly stating the,
how I can be available to youand help you, how I can be there
(29:14):
for you if you need me and alsonot asking the person how you
can help because.
Your idea of helping andsupporting them may not be what
it is that they're seeking orneeding.
Sometimes we don't know what weneed, but I mean, at least if
you, make the statement or youask if they're in a position to
do so, they can let you knowwhat they need from you.
(29:36):
Now that we've, through thesteps of.
Working, pushing through ourpain.
So we've sat with our emotionsand we processed.
We have taken a step back andreassess the situation.
We've shifted our perspective onthings we've sought support,
(30:00):
which may be an ongoing thing.
I mean, you may not just seeksupport once or twice or however
many times that that's going tobe ongoing.
And lastly, now that we've takenstock of the whole situation,
you know, we've madeadjustments, take your power
back.
in making the commitment to dothis work and to work through a
painful experience so that youcan move forward, you're taking
(30:21):
your power back, make theconscious decision to take the
steps to move forward.
Are the actions that need to betaken.
Do you need to go back andaddress people that were
involved in this situation?
Maybe you need closure.
Maybe you need clarity.
Take some time to think abouthow you want to approach that is
a person in their frame of mindto receive that at that point in
(30:44):
time.
And maybe you feel like youdon't need to, I don't know why
in this society, we have thiswhole idea that we need clothes,
your own things.
Sometimes you don't.
Sometimes the closure is youmaking the step to put it behind
you and move.
Because sometimes you're notgoing to get answers from
people.
You're not going to get theapology that you want.
You're not going to get the why.
Cause sometimes they don't evenknow why they did what they did,
(31:07):
but I would not hinge my healingon waiting on somebody else to
tell me why they did somethingto me, because the reality of
the situation is sometimes it'sjust because they felt.
Because they want it to, andsometimes it's a direct result
of things that they have nothealed from painful situations
that they haven't dealt with andI'm not, and that's not an
excuse, but just understand thatyou may not get closure.
(31:30):
You may not get the apology.
You may not be in a space whereyou feel like you need to
forgive them.
We talked about forgiveness.
In another episode, I practiceAfrican traditional religion and
spirituality.
Forgiveness is not.
That is taught that's Abrahamicreligion as Christian does the
Christian belief that wholeterminal or the cheek thing, I
don't believe in none of that.
(31:52):
You need to forgive people tomove on and that's part of your
healing journey.
Then do that.
If not, and you don't feel likeyou need to don't I don't
subscribe to the whole forgiveand forget thing.
That's just me personally.
I don't know.
But are there actions that needto be taken?
Maybe the action is choosing tomove on and choosing to end a
(32:13):
relationship and move on.
I had to do that.
Maybe it's choosing to leave thejob.
Maybe it's choosing to leave thefriendship.
Maybe she's in a move, thinkabout whatever steps you need to
take and check.
Everything that you've learnedinto that experience.
All of those emotions, all ofthat built up energy into your
(32:33):
next step, convert it intosomething positive.
Are you now using that energythat was previously consumed by
anger, by sadness, bybitterness, by confusion, by
depression, by anxiety, by allof those negative things that
you were feeling, channel thatinto something positive.
Maybe it's a new hobby orproject you're working on.
(32:55):
Maybe it's just physicalhealing, maybe it's rest and
relaxation.
Maybe you're channeling it intoart or music or something.
Creative.
Are you sharing and helpingothers?
Are you sharing?
Experience channel all of thatbuilt up energy that you were
using before, that was beingconsumed by your victimhood and
(33:17):
being in a space of pain.
Now that you've walked away andyou've left that behind you, or
you've started to make the stepsto cause keep in mind that
healing is not a linear process.
You're not going to say, allright, I'm over this.
And tomorrow is a new day.
You never think about it again,because that's not realistic.
Things are going to continue topop up.
(33:38):
You're going to be triggered andyou may remember things, but now
that you've taken time to thinkabout these things, you released
your emotions, you change yourperspective, all of the work
that we've talked about doing inthis episode, when it does pop
up in the future, you'll bebetter equipped to handle it and
deal with.
Even if it's just a little bitmore equipped over time, you're
(34:00):
going to continue to build uponyour skills.
You're going to growemotionally.
You're going to matureemotionally.
And because you have done thisinner work, keep in mind, that's
my right here, because you havedone this work and you're
continuing to do this work isgoing to help you be more
prepared to deal with situationswhen they pop up.
Because again, All going to dealwith painful situations in life.
(34:23):
That's not something that we canavoid that's beyond our control,
but we can choose how we'regoing to handle it.
We can choose to be active inour healing and we can choose to
move forward.
That's all I have to say aboutthis particular topic.
Just remember that on thisjourney you are choosing
(34:46):
yourself.
You are choosing to deal withall of the difficult, all of the
uncomfortable, all of thepainful things so that you can
release them so that you canmove forward and you can live
your best life, whatever thatmeans for you.
The life that it is that youwant to live free of hindrances
(35:08):
free of blockages free of pasthurt and pain.
Before.
I'm going to leave you off withan affirmation as always.
I affirmed I'm turning my paininto power.
(35:32):
Thanks for listening.
Bye-bye
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I'm your host family, thedivine.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for tuning into thisweek show.
If you are a brand new listener,thank you for pushing the play
button and if you're a returninglistener.
Welcome back.
So before we get into today'sshow, I just want to again, say
thank you all to everyone whohas listened everybody.
That's reached out to mepersonally and provided positive
(00:23):
feedback.
I'm happy to hear that you allare listening that this is
making sense to you.
Okay.
I think the information helpfuljust as I've seen it in past
episodes, this was literallysomething I was supposed to do
by spirit, for me to sharethings that have helped me along
my healing journey.
And I'm happy to hear thatthat's actually helping that
this is actually happening.
(00:43):
Again, anything that I discussedin this podcast, these are the
things that I've personally gonethrough.
These are personal things thatI've worked through, you know,
either on my own or with someoneon my team.
This is just me sharing.
What has authentically workedfor me.
So I'm happy to hear that thethings that have worked for me,
you all have found some value inthat.
Today's topic is going to beturning pain into power.
(01:06):
Experienced life as we gothrough things on this human
journey, we will deal withpainful experiences.
It's inevitable.
I'm speaking specifically aboutmental and emotional pain here.
As some of us do experiencephysical pain, sometimes as a
result of emotional pain.
Part of my life, as you allknow, I am a chronically ill
person.
I'm a spoonie, so I get boats.
(01:27):
But in this particular episode,I'm speaking specifically about
mental and emotional pain here.
Sometimes once we reachadulthood, we're still dealing
with situations from ourchildhood or young adulthood.
Maybe we're dealing with painfulsituations that are fairly
recent.
Either way nobody goes throughlife with.
Painful situations.
And sometimes we let that painhold us back instead of
(01:49):
propelling us forward.
Sometimes the situation may besomething that has been done to
us and maybe it was beyond ourcontrol.
Sometimes it's something we didto someone else.
It could have been as a directresult of some pain that was
inflicted on us.
Something we're still dealingwith.
It could have been a choice thatwe made at the time that maybe
wasn't quite the best choice or.
(02:11):
I thought it was the best choicewith the information that we had
available to us at the time.
Sometimes it's, you know, usreeling from a painful response
from something we did tosomebody else, but let's be
honest about it.
Most of the time.
At least something we havecontributed to, we've all heard
the saying that there's twosides to every story, but I
mean, the realistic thing ismost of the time there's three,
(02:33):
you know, there's something thatyou did.
There's something that they didand there's something that you
both contributed to, but thatdoesn't make any.
Painful, you know, regardless ofwho did what to whom it doesn't
necessarily make the situationany less painful, you could be
in a situation where you'refeeling stuck.
You're feeling confused.
You're following and self pity.
(02:54):
Maybe you're feeling like afailure because you've tried
everything that you could and,you know, things didn't work out
the way that you would've likedthem to do.
But pain is a natural part oflife.
Life is not always going to bepeaches and cream and roses and
rainbows and unicorns.
And.
The things that are out of ourcontrol, but understand that
(03:15):
being stuck in where I wouldconsider to be your victim hood
is not the answer.
If you're stuck on, oh mygoodness.
Everything is happening to me.
Why is this happening to me?
You may have.
And your victim.
Sometimes it's a situationwhere, you know, somebody does
(03:36):
something to you.
It's painful, it's a difficultexperience and you're stuck in,
why did they do this to me?
They did this and that.
And everybody you come intocontact with, you're replaying
that situation and they did thisand this and this to me and so
on and so forth.
While that may be true, itdoesn't benefit you to stay
stuck in that particular energy.
(03:58):
Okay.
Staying there and constantlyreplaying the situation and
going over what was done to you.
You're stuck in your victimhood, and really you are
allowing that person, not evenso much to take your power.
You're giving them too muchpower over your life.
First of all, but not evenreally.
You're allowing them to take thepower.
(04:20):
You're really just giving itaway.
You're really just giving itaway to them because you.
The stock in this spinninghamster wheel or on this real,
because you can't move past it.
Sometimes we don't move pastthings because maybe we haven't
had an opportunity to fullyprocess the situation.
(04:42):
It's not even a matter ofavoiding it.
You really haven't had time toprocess what has happened.
We'll be in your you're dealingwith emotions.
You may have emotions that youdon't understand.
You may have emotions that youdon't even know how to
articulate.
You can't explain how you feelor why you're feeling that way.
You may still need time toprocess that may take time
(05:05):
depending on how grave thesituation was.
And not only that, but howdeeply it impacted you.
We'll go through the same exactsituation and have different
outcomes.
We all come to the table withdifferent past experiences.
We are all at varying levels ofemotional intelligence.
We all have different copingskills.
(05:27):
So two people experiencing thesame exact situation, you know,
will not deal with it the sameway we may say.
Then our victim hood, becausewe're feeling afraid, we've
settled into this identity,maybe inadvertently, and we
don't know how to let it go.
We don't know how to moveforward.
This is all we know.
And maybe we're waiting forsomebody to swoop in and save us
(05:48):
and provide directions.
Instructions.
Sometimes we say stuck becausewe just don't know what to do
again, waiting for somebody tocome save us or provide
instructions.
Okay.
I feel like in that particularsituation you deserved, whatever
happens to you.
If somebody else inflicted somesort of painful situation or
caused some sort of painfulsituation in your life, please
(06:09):
understand you didn't deserveit.
Or you.
I feel helpless.
I feel like moving forward fromhere, isn't going to change
anything because again, you'vesettled into this identity.
We've all been there right?
As we come to a point in my lifewhere I to realize that staying
there did not serve me.
(06:31):
It was not benefiting me in anyway to stay in my victimhood and
to continue to real over andover about the past.
I had to come to the realizationthat I had the power to relieve
myself from that particularsituation.
From those thoughts, from thoseactions, from feeling sad or
(06:54):
disappointed or.
I feel hurt or any of thosethings.
I had to come to a point where Ihad to be like, okay, I'm over
it.
I'm done.
And it's time to move on.
Now.
I'm not saying don't sit withyour feelings because you're
entitled to feel the way thatyou feel about anything that's
happened to you just don't staythere, get to a point where you
(07:15):
work through it and you pickyour.
And you move on.
Also keep in mind that when wesay stuck in a particular
situation or a frame of mindthat you are allowing that to be
(07:39):
a hindrance to you as ablockage, don't allow pain to
dictate how you will live therest of your life.
You deserve more than that, youdeserve better.
Joe allow your life to be robbedof all of the wonderful things
that you want to go on and doall of the pleasurable things
that you want to experience,because you just literally can't
(08:01):
get past a mental blocks.
We're all going to go throughpainful situations.
And sometimes those thingschange the trajectory of our
lives.
Sometimes there's things that wecan't where we.
Control over the only person youliterally can control is you and
you can make the choice to moveforward.
(08:24):
So how do we do that?
Let's talk about that.
You have to learn how to pushthrough.
So the first thing I would sayis to sit with your emotions
about the situation.
Really think about what it isthat is bothering you.
What is the root of the issuehere?
What are your triggers?
Sometimes when we have a painfulexperience and we're upset,
(08:48):
we're in our feelings, we'resad.
We're feeling down, we're angry.
We could be upset.
We can be angry.
We could be bitter, whateveryour response is.
Think about what the root of theissue is because sometimes.
It's really not what we think itis.
It could be that we're beingreminded of a past experience
that we've never dealt with.
(09:09):
It could be that there'ssomething in this situation that
is triggering from something intheir past.
It could be that maybe thisparticular situation is painful,
but this is the straw that brokethe camel's back in a sense.
Of painful experiences.
And at this point you're like,you know what?
This is it.
I can't do this no more.
(09:32):
The next thing now that you'vesat with your emotions and
please believe that may takesome time.
You may not wake up tomorrow ornext month or next week, or even
next year.
It'd be in a space where youtotally dealt with your emotions
and you've been able to releasethat.
Let that go take the time to dowhat you need to do.
If you need to scream, if youneed to cry, if you need to take
(09:52):
a staycation, if you need tojournal, if you need to.
If you need to physicallyrelease all of your anger into
something, do that, literallychannel that pain into something
else.
I mean, nowadays, you know,people, you can go and you can
go places and you can ask,throw, or I saw something.
(10:14):
Facebook, not too long ago,somebody posted on my timeline
and they went to an event and Ithink it was called a break room
or destruction room or somethinglike that.
And literally they pay for asession.
They had a certain amount oftime in this room and they could
destroy pretty much everythingin the room.
I think.
Except for this one table andthe floor.
I don't know what the table offour had do with anything, but
they could just pretty much justgo ham and destroy everything in
(10:36):
the room, get all of theiraggression, their anger,
whatever it is that they neededto release.
They were able to get it out inthat session.
Sometimes people go to the gunrange.
Sometimes people meditate, theydo yoga, all the things that
we've talked about on thispodcast, but it, once you have
settled with those, you have satwith your emotions and if you
still feel like you need torelease them, find some way to
(10:58):
release.
So you can let it go and moveon.
The next thing you want to do istake a deep breath, take a step
back and reassess the situation.
So now that you've had time toprocess, what has really
happened here, what has reallybothered you and the why take a
step back and take ownership.
(11:19):
This is where acceptance comesin.
This is where accountabilitycomes in, make the commitment to
grow from this particularsituation, right?
necessarily, except what hashappened to you.
I'm not saying necessarily takeaccountability or blame yourself
for what happened.
That's not what I'm saying here.
(11:39):
What I'm saying is takeownership of the fact that this
is your life.
You are choosing to not allow.
Situation person, place thing,be a hindrance to you anymore
because you are ready to moveforward and take ownership
decided that this is my life andthis is what I am going to
release.
This is what I'm going to putbehind me.
(12:00):
And I am now going to pushthrough and move onward and
upwards take ownership of yourlife from this point forward.
Take some time to think of.
What did you learn from thissituation?
Sometimes we learn things thatwe want out of life when
situations don't go the way thatwe want them to go.
Sometimes we learn what we wantby experiencing what we don't
(12:23):
want.
And it makes you take a stepback and think about, okay, well
maybe I thought that was what Iwanted, but maybe it's not,
maybe it wasn't.
Were there any, are you sayingany repeating habits or
behaviors that have sprung up asa result of that particular
situation?
Are those now a hindrance or ablockage to you moving forward?
(12:47):
Those things.
What would you do differentlynext time?
If anything, maybe there isn'tanything different that you
would have done in thissituation, but maybe there were
ways that you could haveimproved or maybe taking a step
back and realizing, okay.
Maybe I did contribute to thesituation by doing this and that
maybe in the future, I'm notgoing to handle things that way.
(13:07):
Take a look at where.
Particular pain from thissituation is playing out in your
life.
That goes back to thoserepeating habits and behaviors.
I know I talked about this in, Ibelieve it was the first or
second episode where I had a jobthat was really horrible and I
ended up leaving, but somethingthat I realized.
As I moved into my next job,there was some, I don't know, I
(13:29):
guess it was unresolved orresidual energy from the last
experience.
I don't even know if I want todescribe it as maybe PTSD, but
just feeling.
When I moved into a new role,completely different job career
path company, all of that, itwas like every time I got called
into the office about something,or I got an email about
(13:51):
something and somebody needed tospeak with me about something
they wanted to meet with me.
I was just full on panic.
Like, oh my God, what'shappening.
Am I in trouble?
Am I getting written up?
It was like being called to theprincipal's office.
Oh my God.
What's happening.
I must be getting fired today.
Like just completely flippingout.
And I realized that it was froma direct result of the horrible
experience I have with my lastemployer, because that literally
(14:13):
was what happened.
Every time I turned around, Ifelt like I was being pulled up
about something.
And the thing was, you know, itwas a brand new job.
It was a brand new department.
There weren't policies orprocedures in place.
I was the only person in myrole.
So I didn't have anybody I cango to for help.
And then on top of all of thislearning, everything being new
to me, I was battling a chronicillness at the time that was
(14:35):
sucking my energy dry, that wascausing pain, discomfort, all of
that.
So trying to balance the two andthe rest of my life.
Snowballed into a whole lot ofmess, but it seemed like every
time I turned around and I wasbeing pulled up about things and
some somewhere rightfully so,because I wasn't doing well at
the time and others, it waspetty shit.
Like for real, it was stuff thatwasn't important.
(14:58):
It was stuff that was beingnagged and complained.
It was stuff that wasmisinterpreted.
And when I moved on to a newsituation, I carried all of that
panic and anxiety.
And insecurity about myperformance at work, into the
next role.
(15:18):
And please understand that everyjob I ever had before.
Most of the time when I wouldget a job, I would go on the
interviews.
Interview will go, well, I wouldget the job I would get in my
role.
I would figure the job out maybeabout six months or so, and then
I'll be born and ready to moveon.
I always was the top performerin every role that I had,
whether it was something I didbefore or not, or I learned, you
(15:39):
know, it was a new role that Ilearned at that point in time.
I always would blow everybody onmy team.
And the department, whatever outof the water effortlessly, I
always excelled in everythingthat I ever said in life.
That that was just my intention.
That's what I came here to do.
So just being in a situationwhere I was doing so poorly,
much of which, because of thingsthat are automatic.
(16:02):
And they're failing miserably.
I carry that experience into thenext role when I shouldn't have,
because it should have been aclean slate, a fresh start, you
know, but it was just, itlingered in the back of my mind
because it was just somethingthat I just could not move past
because I was afraid.
Situation replaying itself.
Again, I'm in a situation wherethings are new.
Again, I'm in a situation whereI'm having to now be trained and
(16:24):
learn things that I've neverdone before.
I mean, in the last job, theyain't even train me, but that's
a whole nother thing.
But realize that.
Anxious insecure.
Panicky behavior was a directresult from a previous
situation.
That was not something I everexperienced in my life as it
related to work.
And I had to take a step backand be like, wait a minute.
(16:46):
What is going on here?
And think about the why.
So what I figured out the why.
Okay, well, what am I going todo now to move out of this head
space so that I can move on andbe successful so that this
doesn't impact my.
Does it hinder me from beingable to learn the things that I
need to do, and this doesn'thinder me from performing great.
(17:07):
Like I know that I can.
The next thing we want to thinkabout is shifting our
perspective.
Is there a silver lining here inthis particular situation?
Yes.
It may have been painful.
It may have been uncomfortable.
It may have been undesirable.
Where you really think about it.
Did you Dodge a bullet?
(17:29):
Think about the situation from aspace of not why is this
happening to me, but what isthis teaching me think about?
What am I supposed to learn in?
Away from this situation to useas, you know, background or
(17:53):
experience to navigate the nextone.
So shift your perspective.
Yes.
It may have been a horriblesituation or a horrible
experience, but you survived it,you survived a hundred percent
of all of your worst days sofar.
Cause you're still here.
Right?
So shift your perception.
Reframe the experience, figureout what it is that you can
learn and take away as you moveonward and upward.
(18:16):
The next thing I want to talkabout is seeking support.
We've talked about positivecoping skills, almost every
episode, maybe support is yourtherapist.
Maybe it's a trusted familymember or friend.
Maybe it's a trusted advisor,whether it's a spiritual advisor
(18:37):
or.
I don't know, maybe a mentor ora career advisor or somebody
that you go to for advice, maybeseeking support there, maybe
seeking support from some sortof support group or community
that could be online or inperson.
I know I talked about thetherapeutic.
Group that I used to go to.
I think I talked about that inepisode one.
(18:58):
I posted a link about that aswell.
Cause she's still hosting thaton zoom and that's available to
everybody it's free on Tuesdays.
Apple's the information aboutthat in the show notes.
But making sure that we're usingpositive coping skills and
mechanisms that we're notpracticing escapist behavior
scape his behavior or thingsthat we do to avoid.
We do them to avoid dealing withthe situation at hand right
(19:20):
then.
And there are we sleeping toomuch to board our problems?
Are we overeating?
Are we spending too much money?
That was mine.
Have a good day, treat yourself,have a bad day.
Treat yourself.
I had to get out of that patternbecause it was impacting my
finances.
I had a mountain of credit carddebt that I had to deal with
because I was an emotionalspender.
(19:41):
If that's you, there is a bookcalled the recovering spender.
That's really good.
And it talks about basicallyemotionally spending and
spending, being in addiction.
I suppose the information aboutthat in the show notes as well.
Are you drinking too much?
Are you eating too much?
Are you using drugs?
Are you overusing prescriptions?
Are you taking a lot of sleepingpills and other things like that
(20:03):
to numb or to get rest becauseyou need to calm your mind.
Are we overworking?
That's a big one.
Are we keeping ourselves so busythat we don't have time to think
about the things that we need towork through?
Overworking is a big one.
As we live in this hustle typeof society, people say, oh,
(20:25):
we'll sleep when we're dead.
One thing about me, I'm going totake me a nap.
Okay.
Use your tools, use whatevertools that are available to you
for support.
If you are dealing with somesort of addiction, whether it be
alcoholism, prescription drugs,illicit drugs there is a website
called into the rooms.com whereyou can attend.
(20:47):
You can attend them on zoomanonymously for free over the
telephone over video.
And one thing I noticed, one ofmy clients in my day job was
utilizing that service.
And I went on there to look atit just to see what it was
about.
They have rooms that about otherthings other than that.
I thought that was pretty cool.
So I'll put that information inthe show notes as well.
I was called into the.
Dot com, but there are a lot offree resources, even just
(21:08):
Facebook groups or insecure andpages.
You know, those types ofcommunities can be free and you
can chat with other people whoare dealing with the same type
of situation that you are, or ifyou have someone in your life
that you're seeking to assist,maybe join so that you can
gather some of that informationas well, but just seek out
support.
There are lots of resources outhere available to us, and many
(21:28):
of them are free.
The next thing we want to do isto make adjustments.
Address those things that cameup during your assessment.
So I talked about how I had totake stock and reassessed.
Why am I having all this panickybehavior as it relates to work
something else that I had todeal with.
And I've talked about this inprevious episodes about, things
(21:49):
that were related to my husbandI was married for a period of
time.
I'm actually.
In the process of divorcing myhusband and I are no longer
together.
And part of the reason thatwe're no longer together is
because I started to do thisparticular healing work and
realizing that.
There were a lot of things thatneeded to be addressed and in an
(22:10):
attempt for me and for him andus to address them collectively,
it was just time to end thatrelationship and move on from my
perspective.
But something that I had to dealwith and make adjustments on is,
you know, dating is new.
And I realized that my husbandwas a Stonewall man.
So whenever.
(22:31):
He was in his feelings aboutsomething he didn't wanna
discuss.
He was mad at me aboutsomething.
Sometimes it was over somethingthat really had nothing to do
with me.
Sometimes it was, I didsomething he didn't particularly
care for.
I didn't do something he wantedme to do.
He was.
Stonewall mate, meaning he wouldjust not speak to me, not
acknowledge me, how do you livein a house?
(22:51):
Somebody you don't acknowledge,but I realized that that was
playing out in my relationshipswith other people, because I
would be compassionate when Iwould reach out to somebody and
they didn't get back to mewithin, I don't know, some
arbitrary amount of time.
So too long to me.
And it always would take me intothis spiral of, oh my God,
(23:14):
they're avoiding me.
Did I do something wrong?
Like, are they upset with me?
Like what's happening here?
Why are they not talking to mewhen the reality of the
situation.
Maybe they were just busy.
Maybe it had nothing to do withme.
Is it possible that they wereboarding me or they're upset
with me?
Right.
Do something to them.
(23:35):
Yeah.
But the value situation, thatwas not the case.
99% of the time people are PC.
But every time I was in asituation where it seems.
Someone took too long and toolong for whatever I felt like it
was too long.
I don't have a number of theamount of time or days or
whatever it is.
(23:55):
It caused me to go into thispanic because it took me back to
that space of feeling like I wasbeing punished sometimes for
something again, that I had nocontrol over or something that I
couldn't do, because rememberI'm still working through being
disabled and being chronicallyill, or maybe I was just
exhausted and I couldn't get toit.
And it's not even a situationwhere I wasn't communicating
those things, but he had his ownthings that he had to work
(24:17):
through and he legit wasStonewall.
Like not talk to me for days.
And I had to realize.
That was spilling over intoother situations in my life,
especially after he and I choseto part ways.
That's something that I had totake a step back and reassessed
like, okay, calm down.
You have no reason to believethat that's why this is
happening.
(24:38):
You can't bring your pastsituation in this instance, into
this one, because what itresulted in is one me panicking
and being all weird and too, insome situations being extra
clingy with people.
They're feeling like there wasthis need for reassurance that
they weren't mad at me.
They weren't upset with me, butI didn't disappoint them.
(24:59):
It realized that.
I need to seek approval formyself before seeking it from
outside from other people.
And it would just be the mostasinine, like silly situations.
But I realized that that was atrauma response from what I
dealt with with my husband.
I really had to take some timeto take a step back and look at
it from a different perspectiveand then make adjustments
(25:21):
because now I know to be morecognizant of that, and I'm not
going to say that those feelingsnever creep up because sometimes
they still do even now.
And he and I have a bit togetherfor.
Year and a half, almost twoyears, but realizing that, okay,
calm down.
It's not that deep people arebusy.
Like aren't you busy.
Sometimes they don't have timeto respond to that.
(25:44):
Everybody's not mad at you.
We just live busy lives.
I also think that, given thefact that we all have cell
phones, people sometimes thinkor feel that we're supposed to
be available to people 24 7, youknow, immediately because we
have that cell phone and that'sreally not the case.
You're not obligated to respondto anybody if you don't feel
like it, or until you get to it.
But we, you know, we kind oflive in this popcorn society
(26:05):
where everybody feels like, justbecause you have a cell phone,
you're supposed to be availableto them at all times.
And that's just not.
You know, if you don't feel likeit's your phone, don't answer
your phone.
You need to go do not disturb.
That's something I've recentlyhad to start doing, because I
felt like every time I laid downto take a nap to my recall.
So, no, I'm not available to youbecause I've taken a nap, but it
could just be, I'm not availablebecause I don't feel like being
(26:25):
available right now.
That's something that I had tothink about logically, like,
okay, calm down.
They're not ignoring it.
But I realized that that was atrauma response from years of
dealing with stonewalling in mymarriage.
Also keep in mind that youbrought, we are listening to
(26:46):
this podcast and you may beworking on your own healing, or
maybe you are listening and youwant to assist others in your
life with your healing process.
Maybe you're the person thatcaused the pain and the other
person is healing.
And you want to help them to tryto recover this situation.
There's someone in your life,that's going through something
(27:06):
painful, understand that theremay not be anything that you can
do directly to help them,especially if they're not ready,
sometimes there's nothing thatyou can do directly to fix it.
Especially if it's somethingbig, like you're dealing with
generational, hurt and pain forpeople not working through their
(27:28):
own banks.
But you can support and helpthem to just feel safe.
Every assure them that you lovethem.
And that you're there for them.
You have their best interests atheart that you want to support
them.
And sometimes that's really allyou can do.
Don't feel.
It could be an understand that Ican be frustrating, especially
(27:49):
when you feel like you'redrilling your healing work and
the other person is, and maybeit's just not their time.
Maybe they're not there yet.
Maybe they haven't gottenthrough the processing piece or
they're still working throughtheir things.
Sometimes when you're dealingwith deep seated hurt, it may
take years.
It may take years of therapy.
It may take years of healing.
I understand that maybe.
(28:11):
Those things have built up overtime.
It's going to take time to breakthem down.
So if you're in a situation withsomeone where they're not at the
place that you are just lovethem through it, offer
resources.
If you can be a listening ear,you have the capacity to do
that.
(28:31):
Be a listening ear.
It may be a situation wheremaybe they don't want your
advice specifically, but theyjust may want you to listen.
Maybe there are conversationsthat need to be had to
facilitate this healing process.
So folks can move on.
Maybe they need to get thingsout.
Maybe they have questions.
Maybe they want to talk throughit.
Maybe they.
(28:52):
But let them take the lead inthis situation and just reassure
them that you're there for them.
And you want to support them andhelp them in any way that you
can and ask them how you can beof support.
A lot of times we tell people,oh, let me know if you need
anything.
I'm here.
If you need me, but not everreally explicitly stating the,
how I can be available to youand help you, how I can be there
(29:14):
for you if you need me and alsonot asking the person how you
can help because.
Your idea of helping andsupporting them may not be what
it is that they're seeking orneeding.
Sometimes we don't know what weneed, but I mean, at least if
you, make the statement or youask if they're in a position to
do so, they can let you knowwhat they need from you.
(29:36):
Now that we've, through thesteps of.
Working, pushing through ourpain.
So we've sat with our emotionsand we processed.
We have taken a step back andreassess the situation.
We've shifted our perspective onthings we've sought support,
(30:00):
which may be an ongoing thing.
I mean, you may not just seeksupport once or twice or however
many times that that's going tobe ongoing.
And lastly, now that we've takenstock of the whole situation,
you know, we've madeadjustments, take your power
back.
in making the commitment to dothis work and to work through a
painful experience so that youcan move forward, you're taking
(30:21):
your power back, make theconscious decision to take the
steps to move forward.
Are the actions that need to betaken.
Do you need to go back andaddress people that were
involved in this situation?
Maybe you need closure.
Maybe you need clarity.
Take some time to think abouthow you want to approach that is
a person in their frame of mindto receive that at that point in
(30:44):
time.
And maybe you feel like youdon't need to, I don't know why
in this society, we have thiswhole idea that we need clothes,
your own things.
Sometimes you don't.
Sometimes the closure is youmaking the step to put it behind
you and move.
Because sometimes you're notgoing to get answers from
people.
You're not going to get theapology that you want.
You're not going to get the why.
Cause sometimes they don't evenknow why they did what they did,
(31:07):
but I would not hinge my healingon waiting on somebody else to
tell me why they did somethingto me, because the reality of
the situation is sometimes it'sjust because they felt.
Because they want it to, andsometimes it's a direct result
of things that they have nothealed from painful situations
that they haven't dealt with andI'm not, and that's not an
excuse, but just understand thatyou may not get closure.
(31:30):
You may not get the apology.
You may not be in a space whereyou feel like you need to
forgive them.
We talked about forgiveness.
In another episode, I practiceAfrican traditional religion and
spirituality.
Forgiveness is not.
That is taught that's Abrahamicreligion as Christian does the
Christian belief that wholeterminal or the cheek thing, I
don't believe in none of that.
(31:52):
You need to forgive people tomove on and that's part of your
healing journey.
Then do that.
If not, and you don't feel likeyou need to don't I don't
subscribe to the whole forgiveand forget thing.
That's just me personally.
I don't know.
But are there actions that needto be taken?
Maybe the action is choosing tomove on and choosing to end a
(32:13):
relationship and move on.
I had to do that.
Maybe it's choosing to leave thejob.
Maybe it's choosing to leave thefriendship.
Maybe she's in a move, thinkabout whatever steps you need to
take and check.
Everything that you've learnedinto that experience.
All of those emotions, all ofthat built up energy into your
(32:33):
next step, convert it intosomething positive.
Are you now using that energythat was previously consumed by
anger, by sadness, bybitterness, by confusion, by
depression, by anxiety, by allof those negative things that
you were feeling, channel thatinto something positive.
Maybe it's a new hobby orproject you're working on.
(32:55):
Maybe it's just physicalhealing, maybe it's rest and
relaxation.
Maybe you're channeling it intoart or music or something.
Creative.
Are you sharing and helpingothers?
Are you sharing?
Experience channel all of thatbuilt up energy that you were
using before, that was beingconsumed by your victimhood and
(33:17):
being in a space of pain.
Now that you've walked away andyou've left that behind you, or
you've started to make the stepsto cause keep in mind that
healing is not a linear process.
You're not going to say, allright, I'm over this.
And tomorrow is a new day.
You never think about it again,because that's not realistic.
Things are going to continue topop up.
(33:38):
You're going to be triggered andyou may remember things, but now
that you've taken time to thinkabout these things, you released
your emotions, you change yourperspective, all of the work
that we've talked about doing inthis episode, when it does pop
up in the future, you'll bebetter equipped to handle it and
deal with.
Even if it's just a little bitmore equipped over time, you're
(34:00):
going to continue to build uponyour skills.
You're going to growemotionally.
You're going to matureemotionally.
And because you have done thisinner work, keep in mind, that's
my right here, because you havedone this work and you're
continuing to do this work isgoing to help you be more
prepared to deal with situationswhen they pop up.
Because again, All going to dealwith painful situations in life.
(34:23):
That's not something that we canavoid that's beyond our control,
but we can choose how we'regoing to handle it.
We can choose to be active inour healing and we can choose to
move forward.
That's all I have to say aboutthis particular topic.
Just remember that on thisjourney you are choosing
(34:46):
yourself.
You are choosing to deal withall of the difficult, all of the
uncomfortable, all of thepainful things so that you can
release them so that you canmove forward and you can live
your best life, whatever thatmeans for you.
The life that it is that youwant to live free of hindrances
(35:08):
free of blockages free of pasthurt and pain.
Before.
I'm going to leave you off withan affirmation as always.
I affirmed I'm turning my paininto power.
(35:32):
Thanks for listening.
Bye-bye
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