January 26, 2022 • 25 mins
The host, Femi the Divine, shares 10 things she has learned on her journey to inner healing and interpersonal work.
Topics Discussed - inner healing, healing work, therapy, psychotherapy, setting healthy boundaries, trying new things, loneliness, moving on, starting over, choosing yourself, self love, self worth, doing the work, personal transformation, self development, self improvement, self help, personal development, forgiveness, closure, forgive and forget, etc.
Contact info - Femi the Divine
IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com
Contact info - Femi the Divine
IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I'm your host, Femi the divine.
And welcome back.
We are now on episode numbereight, happy new year, happy
almost end of January.
I hope you all set yourintentions.
Like we talked about in the lastepisode and you are still on
track.
I know sometimes we get offtrack with new year's
(00:21):
resolutions and then we startover on February the first I
took a few weeks off just to.
Give some things in order in myown life.
So I apologize for not having abi-weekly episode a couple of
weeks ago, but we're back, we'reback on track and back on
schedule.
So this week I wanted to dosomething different.
Instead of talking about oneparticular topic at length, I'm
(00:43):
going to give you all the top 10about things that I have learned
so far or my healing journeybefore we get into that again.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who islistening.
If this is your first time.
Welcome.
If you're a returning listener,thank you for pressing the play
button.
And if you have reached out tome directly or indirectly with
(01:03):
your feedback, if you shared theshow, if you sent the show to
someone else You're enjoying theshow when you let me know that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for your feedback.
I definitely appreciate that.
There's anything that you allwould like to hear about, or you
have questions about, again,feel free to reach out to me.
I'll put my contact info in theshow notes.
So tops in things I've learnedso far on my healing journey.
(01:26):
These are not in any particularorder except for the last one,
which I think is the mostimportant, but I'm going to
start with number two.
You can't take everybody withyou.
Sometimes in life we grow and weevolve past the folks that are
in our life.
This could be friends, thiscould be family.
(01:47):
This could be coworkers.
This could be romantic partners,but sometimes.
As we have to do our own healingwork, we leave people behind and
it may be a matter of maybethey're just not where you are
right now.
Maybe they're not understanding.
Maybe they don't feel like theyhave healing work to do, or
they're in denial.
(02:08):
Or maybe sometimes thatsituation is holding you back
and it's time for you to move onand grow and evolve.
And sometimes you have to leavepeople where they are.
It may be difficult.
They may not understand why itis that you are doing what it is
that you're doing.
May not make sense to them.
They may be angry about itbecause they may be benefiting
from you, you know, staying inthat particular situation.
(02:32):
But just understand that youcan't take everybody with you.
Sometimes people are in yourlife for a reason, a season or
forever.
And a lot of times we can't evenget to the forever people.
Cause we're so.
On the reason and the C.
And that doesn't necessarilymean that you leaving somebody
behind has to be a bad thingagain, their season could just
(02:53):
be up.
You could just be in differentplaces in your lives.
I think we find this happens,especially as we grow older, you
may be still trying to hang onto legacy friendships from when
you were kids.
You know, maybe you're the firstperson in your, your friend
group to get married or become amom.
And sometimes, you know, folksjust aren't in the place that
you are.
So you kind of part ways, itdoesn't always have to be
(03:13):
something bad or dramatic.
Or anything like that, but justunderstand that sometimes
elevation requires isolation.
Number nine, boundaries don'thave to be an electric fence.
Something I definitely learnedalong my journey was that I did
(03:33):
not set adequate boundaries.
Part of that was because Ididn't want to disappoint
people.
Maybe I was trying to do.
Maybe, I just didn't know how toset boundaries.
And also sometimes you'relistening to other folks or you
don't realize that in youreffort to not rock the boat or
please everybody else you putyour own needs to the wayside
(03:54):
when you really should besetting a boundary, just
remember in life that we dictatehow people treat us.
And that's not, that's notgiving an excuse for people to
treat you poorly, but understandthat sometimes people say and do
things to us.
Okay.
We don't address it.
We don't address it for, formany reasons.
Maybe it's we don't know howmaybe we don't realize that it
needs to be addressed at thattime.
(04:15):
Maybe we're afraid to addressit.
Maybe, you know, again, we don'twant to rock the boat.
That was my situation.
Oftentimes I just felt like itwasn't worth it to have to deal
with the drama that would ensuefrom me addressing it.
So a lot of things, I would justkind of brush it under the rug,
but having to set a boundary.
That's something that you needto do for your own protection.
(04:38):
So in the past, if you've notspoken up, when people may have
wrong Jew or overstep theboundary, or they did something,
you know, that you didn'tnecessarily agree with or
something that was potentiallyharmful to you, you know, and
you're not speaking up, it'salmost like you allowed it to
happen.
(04:58):
And sometimes the boundary isjust saying, you know what?
No as a complete sentence.
No, I'm not going to allow youto do this.
No, I don't appreciate that.
You did this.
No.
Well, you did this make me feelthat way.
No, I'm not accepting this orit's, you know what, no, I'm not
going to do this.
Maybe you want me to dosomething, but I've decided that
(05:20):
that's not what I'm going to do,but a boundary can simply be.
You really don't have to explainwhy, if you want to, you can, if
you feel that's necessary, youcan.
But I had to come to a point inmy life where I had to
understand that I needed to setboundaries, because if I did
not, people would continue tooverstep, continue to do what
(05:43):
they wanted to do, continue totry to walk and trample all over
me and understanding that itdoesn't have to be something
big.
And grandiose you can move aboundary.
I may set the boundary heretoday, but that doesn't mean
that I won't relax it as timegoes.
Also, it doesn't mean that Iwon't tighten it if I need to,
(06:03):
but people hear the wordboundary and you know, they get
all scared and they think thatyou're literally drawing a line
in the sand.
No, I am putting my foot downand I am setting a boundary for
my own protection.
And if you have an issue withthat, then maybe you don't have
my best interests at heart,because most of the time when
you set a boundary, the peoplewho have an issue with.
(06:24):
It's because they werebenefiting from you not having a
boundary or from you allowingthem to walk all over top of
your boundary.
So just keep that in mind,boundaries are important, but
they don't have to be anelectric fence that shocks
people every time they come bylearn how to set healthy
boundaries, learning how to sethealthy boundaries.
We'll definitely have.
(06:45):
Along your journey and obviouslyboundaries will be different in
every situation with each personthat you interact with.
Do what makes you comfortable atwhat works best for you?
That leads me into the nextitem, which is number eight.
Sometimes where the toxicperson, we have to own up to the
(07:07):
things that we do as.
If not always everybody is doingeverything to you.
Sometimes we play a part.
Sometimes we contribute to theissue.
Sometimes we cause some of thethings that happened to
ourselves maybe directly orindirectly, and that's not to
(07:28):
point fingers and that's not topoint blame, but just taking
stock of the fact that, youknow, maybe I could have done
something different.
You know, maybe I lashed out atsomebody or I said something or
I did something in retaliationto something else that was
happening to me or somethingthat I haven't dealt with.
So just taking a step back andreassessing, sometimes we are
(07:50):
the toxic person.
Sometimes we're playing thevictim.
That brings me to number seven.
Sometimes we play the victim.
I'm not victim blaming.
I'm not saying that we are thevictim in some situations
because sometimes.
But how long are you gonna staythere?
Take the time that you need toprocess to sit with your
(08:11):
feelings, to think about whathas happened.
Be sad, cry, scream, do whateverit is that you need to do.
And then it's time to move on.
Staying in your victim.
Hood does not benefit you.
It's just going to constantlyremind you of what has happened.
You're going to keep replayingit in your mind.
(08:32):
You're basically revictimizingyourself.
Every single time you do that.
Does that mean it's your faultthat something happened to you
and you were a victim?
Not at all, but by staying inthat place, you're allowing the
other person to continue to havepower over you in the situation.
So you have to decide, okay, I'mdone being the V.
(08:53):
I'm going to heal from newsituation or I've already
healed, you know, as far as Ithink I need to from this
situation and I'm going to getmyself together and I'm going to
push forward.
Number six, this one was a hardone for me.
Closure is not always necessary.
(09:16):
You don't have to forgive peopleif you don't want to.
I know a lot of times we gethung up in this loop when
something happens and it's like,oh, I need to talk to them.
Or I want to have one lastconversation with them for
closure.
Why?
A lot of times we don't get theapology or the explanation that
we wanted.
(09:37):
And if we sat around waiting forthat so that we can have closure
on the situation, we probably bewaiting for it.
So be honest, sometimes theperson on the other end of the
situation, they don't know whythey did what they did.
Maybe it was just cause theywanted to, or they felt too at
that point in time, like it maynot be that deep, but maybe
(09:59):
they're, I'm apologizing.
I don't want to, I mean, to behonest with your hour and a half
as the apology, just becausesomebody felt like it was the
right thing to do, or they'rejust saying what it is that they
thought I wanted to hear, that'snot sincere.
So as far as I'm concerned, Theclosure is you do what you did.
I did what I did or said, but Isaid, and that's the end of the
(10:20):
conversation.
I'm not sitting around waitingfor somebody else to provide
closure so that I can move onwith my life.
I decide when I move on with mylife and I don't have to forgive
you, I don't subscribe to thiswhole, you know, for forgiving
forget mindset at this point inmy life.
I think I'm tired of being thebigger.
(10:43):
I'm tired of taking the highroad, tired of turning the other
cheek, all that is stuff thatthey teach in Abrahamic
religion.
And if you've been listening tothe past seven episodes, you'll
know that I don't practice that.
I just, I don't know.
I just feel like forgiveness.
A lot of people get hung up inthis, or you have to forgive the
other person.
If there's something you feellike you need to do for you so
(11:05):
you can move on, they do that,but don't make it about the
other person.
It's not going to changeanything.
The other thing is this far, toomany times in my life where I,
you know, people say it's notworthy to be the bigger person
and take the high road, thosedue to their level, no, being a
(11:26):
bigger person.
And most of the time has landedme in situations where I was
abused.
I was made to feel like myfeelings weren't important and
neighbor dismissed.
It gave folks the green light tocontinue doing whatever it is
that they needed, that they didthat put them in a position to
even want my forgiveness.
And I was just trampled all overdisrespected.
(11:49):
And like I said, abused, and myopinion is not.
You have to take stock of thesituations and the relationships
in your life.
And if you feel like it's goingto be an added benefit to your
life, to forgive that person andforget and move on, they do
that.
Me personally, I don't feel likethat's necessary.
(12:10):
We're grown people know whatthey did.
They knew exactly where theywere doing.
And as a result of their action,I have the opportunity to choose
my own action or inactiondepending on what the situation
is.
No, we do grown for foolishness.
(12:31):
I do not forgive and forget.
I just move on.
You said what you said?
I said what?
I said, you do what you did.
I did what I did and that's theend of it.
Number five.
It's okay.
To change.
(12:52):
Sometimes we go through lifethinking, oh, I want this.
Or I want that, you know,especially as it relates to
relationships, you know, maybe Ireally want to stay in this
relationship.
This is what I thought I wanted.
Then life happens.
It's okay to change it.
Sometimes we don't really knowwhat we want out of life until
(13:14):
we're in a situation where we'reexperiencing what it is that we
thought we wanted and thingsaren't going the way that we
wanted them to go or whereyou're realizing, you know what,
this isn't what I expected oranticipated.
And maybe this isn't a good fitfor me that could apply to
anything.
It could be a job, it could be arelationship.
It could be, you know, maybeyou're in school and you're
(13:35):
studying a particular field andyou decided, you know what, this
may be the same.
I think a lot of times we gethung up on.
Okay, well, I'll put a lot oftime into this situation.
I put a lot of money into thissituation.
I put a lot of energy in thissituation.
It's okay to change your mind.
It's okay to start over.
(13:59):
A lot of times you hear peoplesay things like, oh, I wasted my
time towards.
I would rather get out now thatI'm realizing that this isn't a
good fit for me.
There's a continue down a pathfor even more time and more
energy and more money.
And it isn't take a step backand reassess sometimes our wants
and our needs change.
It's okay to change your mind,do as best for you.
(14:23):
Don't let people make you feellike you can't number four.
You must be open-minded andwilling to try new things.
As we move on this journey.
For many of us we're adults.
I find that a lot of people gothrough this quarter life 30
(14:44):
year old, 35 year old crisis.
And they're re-evaluatingeverything in their life and
everything that they've beentaught, everything they've
learned over the years, youknow, and comparing that with
their life experiences over thepast few years, that brought
them to this particular.
Clearly, whatever it was thatyou were doing up until this
point was not working, or maybeit just wasn't working a hundred
(15:06):
percent.
That's why we're here.
That's why we're making thecommitment to ourselves to do
things differently.
So you have to be open-mindedand willing to try new things.
What's that saying?
Nor the same thing over and overand expecting different results
is insanity.
Be willing to try something new.
Now that may differ for you,depending on what that is.
(15:30):
For some people trying somethingnew is going to therapy.
Everybody need to go therapy.
I don't care what y'all think.
Maybe it's Geyser therapy.
Maybe it's a career change.
Maybe it's getting rid of somehabits that you need to get rid
of.
Maybe it's getting rid ofaddictions.
Maybe it's speaking up foryourself.
(15:53):
That's something different.
If you were somebody whonormally didn't know.
Maybe he's gone out and meet newfriends.
Maybe it's leaving arelationship.
Maybe you're starting in yourrelationship.
Maybe it's finding a new job.
Maybe it's trying a new hobby.
Maybe it's exercising.
Maybe it's changing your diet.
(16:14):
Just open-minded and willing totry new things.
I know for me, I usually willtry something new a few times.
Sometimes the first time theremay be some kind of shock or it
may not go the way you want itto.
But usually I'm willing to trysomething a second and possibly
a third time before I make mymind up about it.
Be open and willing to try newthings.
You made find out that youreally loved journaling, and
(16:35):
it's not like writing in yourdear diary when you're eight
years.
You may really like going to thegym because that's helping you
to relieve your stress, maybe,you know, changing your diet,
you know, because it helps toelevate your mood or maybe
addressing medical issues.
Maybe you're trying to lose someweight, whatever, be open-minded
and willing to try somethingnew.
(16:58):
Number three, sometimes thisjourney is long.
I spoke.
I think number 10 was you can'ttake everybody with you.
So as you grow up in progress,you may find that certain
people, places and things areremoved from your life by
spirit.
(17:18):
If they're meant to be gone,don't go back and get them.
But you may find yourself in aplace where you feel like you
are alone on an island andnobody understands what you're
going through, what you'redealing with with your term.
You know, maybe the folks thatyou usually talk to or you went
to for comfort or spent timewith, maybe they're not around
(17:38):
anymore, they're not availableto you.
Maybe you have to avoid certainpeople, places and things
because they're triggers, youknow, so it's more of a
self-imposed isolation.
Just understanding that when youmake the commitment to yourself
into your own healing, it mayrequire you to destroy.
And tear down your old lifeentirely so that you could
(18:01):
prepare and rebuild for the newone.
Take this time alone to see.
And listen, listen to yourguides, listen to spirit, ask
for direction, ask for clarity,take this quiet time.
Take advantage of it for a lotof people.
This whole COVID situation forthe last two years has been
(18:21):
quiet time.
Take this time to sit down andreally think about what it is in
your life that you want tochange, what it is that you want
to accomplish and move forwardand what it is that you're
willing to let go of and leavebehind to accomplish those
things.
It made me lonely, but trust me,it'll get better.
(18:43):
And it may just be a matter ofgetting out here and trying
something new, going somewherenew and meeting some folks that
are like minded.
Maybe that's online.
You know, if you ask to meetlike-minded people, friends,
family loved ones, whatever itis.
You'll meet the right people atthe right time that are on the
(19:04):
same page that you're on.
So if you're feeling lonely asto me, you know, and attract
like-minded people, there'ssomething you can pray and ask
for easily.
Maybe it's just joining aFacebook.
You know, maybe it's just fatgoing to an event in your city.
You need like minded folks.
I found that when I starteddoing that, I started seeing the
same people at different events,all across town.
Sometimes you phone prints likethat.
(19:26):
But don't be afraid to step outthere.
You know, nobody is saying thatjust because you're on a healing
journey that you have to sit inthe house by yourself, but just
know that it can be a lonelyjourney, something to think
about.
Number two, this journey is not.
(19:49):
healing work.
Inner healing work has been someof the most difficult work I had
done in my 35 years on thisplanet.
It requires you to really take astep back, get out of your
denial.
It take a cold, long, hard lookat your.
(20:10):
Yes.
Other people play a factor intowhy you had to come to this
point and embark on thisjourney, but it's not about
them.
It's about you.
It's not going to be easy.
You're going to have to thinkabout things they may be.
You don't want to think about,you're going to have to have
hard conversations.
They may be.
You didn't want to have, you'regoing to have to admit the
things and talk about things andmaybe you don't want to talk
(20:32):
about, but it is necessary foryour.
Remember growth happens indarkness and you cannot share a
habit testimony you can't sharewith anybody else.
If you yourself have never beentested as we go through life, we
all face trials andtribulations.
(20:52):
It's not necessarily about thetrials and the tribulations, but
it's about how did you reboundfrom them?
What did you learn from thoselife experiences?
What changes did you make as aresult?
And if you feel up to it, whatcan you share with others?
Who also on their journey, whoalso may be experiencing the
same things that you are, ormaybe what it is that you are
sharing may prevent them fromgoing through some of those
(21:13):
things or maybe soften the blow.
This journey is not easy.
I don't care what anybody tellsyou.
It's not, it ain't always goingto be unicorns, cherries, and
rainbows, but just know that itis worth it.
You're choosing yourself.
You're choosing.
To Uplevel your life so that youcan live the kind of life that
(21:34):
you want to live so that you canachieve happiness and blessing
while their prosperity andgrowth, nothing worth having in
this life is going to come easy.
You have to put in the work thelonger you take and drag your
feet.
(21:54):
When it comes to putting in thework, the longer you may see.
And I'm gonna be real withy'all.
There is not honoring suffering.
Do what you need to do.
It won't be easy.
You just, just stick it out.
Trust me.
It will all be for the better inthe end.
And now we are at the last one,which is number one, and this is
(22:16):
the most important you cannumber two through 10.
However it is there.
You want to do it.
This is the most important thingI want you all to read.
Healing is not a linear process.
Some of you all may have heardthat statement before buddies.
True.
(22:37):
It's not like you wake up oneday and you say, all right, I'm
on the journey to healing andI'm going to do this and this
and this.
And then I'm done.
We will continue to heal ourentire lives until we take our
last breath.
You will take forward steps for.
And you will take stepsbackward, and then you will go
(22:59):
forward again.
The important thing is to notstay stuck and to keep moving.
If you feel like you haveexperienced a setback, take some
time to think about, okay, notso much.
Why is this happening to me?
But what is this situationteaching me?
What can I learn here was mytakeaway so that I can move on
(23:22):
to the next.
No one will ever be in asituation where they're a
hundred percent healed as lifegoes on and we'll continue to
face situations.
We'll continue to face trialsand tribulations.
And those things add character.
They give us experiences to drawupon as we move into new
experiences in life.
But just understand that it'snot a linear process.
(23:45):
There's not a straight line frompoint a to point B.
Think of it as that is.
Where there will be peaks andvalleys, but as long as you stay
on a journey, you're moving inthe right direction.
So I know this week's episodewas a little bit different.
I wanted to switch things up,try something new, but those are
(24:09):
the top 10 things that I havepersonally learned on my healing
journey.
So far.
I hope you all found somethingin here.
You enjoy the show.
Please feel free to leave us arating on iTunes or Spotify.
You can send me a messagedirectly.
I will put my contactinformation in the show notes,
(24:30):
share with a friend if thisblessed you today.
And as always before I go, butI'll leave you all with an
affirmation.
I affirm I am in the driver'sseat of my own journey.
Thanks for listening.
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I'm your host, Femi the divine.
And welcome back.
We are now on episode numbereight, happy new year, happy
almost end of January.
I hope you all set yourintentions.
Like we talked about in the lastepisode and you are still on
track.
I know sometimes we get offtrack with new year's
(00:21):
resolutions and then we startover on February the first I
took a few weeks off just to.
Give some things in order in myown life.
So I apologize for not having abi-weekly episode a couple of
weeks ago, but we're back, we'reback on track and back on
schedule.
So this week I wanted to dosomething different.
Instead of talking about oneparticular topic at length, I'm
(00:43):
going to give you all the top 10about things that I have learned
so far or my healing journeybefore we get into that again.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who islistening.
If this is your first time.
Welcome.
If you're a returning listener,thank you for pressing the play
button.
And if you have reached out tome directly or indirectly with
(01:03):
your feedback, if you shared theshow, if you sent the show to
someone else You're enjoying theshow when you let me know that.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for your feedback.
I definitely appreciate that.
There's anything that you allwould like to hear about, or you
have questions about, again,feel free to reach out to me.
I'll put my contact info in theshow notes.
So tops in things I've learnedso far on my healing journey.
(01:26):
These are not in any particularorder except for the last one,
which I think is the mostimportant, but I'm going to
start with number two.
You can't take everybody withyou.
Sometimes in life we grow and weevolve past the folks that are
in our life.
This could be friends, thiscould be family.
(01:47):
This could be coworkers.
This could be romantic partners,but sometimes.
As we have to do our own healingwork, we leave people behind and
it may be a matter of maybethey're just not where you are
right now.
Maybe they're not understanding.
Maybe they don't feel like theyhave healing work to do, or
they're in denial.
(02:08):
Or maybe sometimes thatsituation is holding you back
and it's time for you to move onand grow and evolve.
And sometimes you have to leavepeople where they are.
It may be difficult.
They may not understand why itis that you are doing what it is
that you're doing.
May not make sense to them.
They may be angry about itbecause they may be benefiting
from you, you know, staying inthat particular situation.
(02:32):
But just understand that youcan't take everybody with you.
Sometimes people are in yourlife for a reason, a season or
forever.
And a lot of times we can't evenget to the forever people.
Cause we're so.
On the reason and the C.
And that doesn't necessarilymean that you leaving somebody
behind has to be a bad thingagain, their season could just
(02:53):
be up.
You could just be in differentplaces in your lives.
I think we find this happens,especially as we grow older, you
may be still trying to hang onto legacy friendships from when
you were kids.
You know, maybe you're the firstperson in your, your friend
group to get married or become amom.
And sometimes, you know, folksjust aren't in the place that
you are.
So you kind of part ways, itdoesn't always have to be
(03:13):
something bad or dramatic.
Or anything like that, but justunderstand that sometimes
elevation requires isolation.
Number nine, boundaries don'thave to be an electric fence.
Something I definitely learnedalong my journey was that I did
(03:33):
not set adequate boundaries.
Part of that was because Ididn't want to disappoint
people.
Maybe I was trying to do.
Maybe, I just didn't know how toset boundaries.
And also sometimes you'relistening to other folks or you
don't realize that in youreffort to not rock the boat or
please everybody else you putyour own needs to the wayside
(03:54):
when you really should besetting a boundary, just
remember in life that we dictatehow people treat us.
And that's not, that's notgiving an excuse for people to
treat you poorly, but understandthat sometimes people say and do
things to us.
Okay.
We don't address it.
We don't address it for, formany reasons.
Maybe it's we don't know howmaybe we don't realize that it
needs to be addressed at thattime.
(04:15):
Maybe we're afraid to addressit.
Maybe, you know, again, we don'twant to rock the boat.
That was my situation.
Oftentimes I just felt like itwasn't worth it to have to deal
with the drama that would ensuefrom me addressing it.
So a lot of things, I would justkind of brush it under the rug,
but having to set a boundary.
That's something that you needto do for your own protection.
(04:38):
So in the past, if you've notspoken up, when people may have
wrong Jew or overstep theboundary, or they did something,
you know, that you didn'tnecessarily agree with or
something that was potentiallyharmful to you, you know, and
you're not speaking up, it'salmost like you allowed it to
happen.
(04:58):
And sometimes the boundary isjust saying, you know what?
No as a complete sentence.
No, I'm not going to allow youto do this.
No, I don't appreciate that.
You did this.
No.
Well, you did this make me feelthat way.
No, I'm not accepting this orit's, you know what, no, I'm not
going to do this.
Maybe you want me to dosomething, but I've decided that
(05:20):
that's not what I'm going to do,but a boundary can simply be.
You really don't have to explainwhy, if you want to, you can, if
you feel that's necessary, youcan.
But I had to come to a point inmy life where I had to
understand that I needed to setboundaries, because if I did
not, people would continue tooverstep, continue to do what
(05:43):
they wanted to do, continue totry to walk and trample all over
me and understanding that itdoesn't have to be something
big.
And grandiose you can move aboundary.
I may set the boundary heretoday, but that doesn't mean
that I won't relax it as timegoes.
Also, it doesn't mean that Iwon't tighten it if I need to,
(06:03):
but people hear the wordboundary and you know, they get
all scared and they think thatyou're literally drawing a line
in the sand.
No, I am putting my foot downand I am setting a boundary for
my own protection.
And if you have an issue withthat, then maybe you don't have
my best interests at heart,because most of the time when
you set a boundary, the peoplewho have an issue with.
(06:24):
It's because they werebenefiting from you not having a
boundary or from you allowingthem to walk all over top of
your boundary.
So just keep that in mind,boundaries are important, but
they don't have to be anelectric fence that shocks
people every time they come bylearn how to set healthy
boundaries, learning how to sethealthy boundaries.
We'll definitely have.
(06:45):
Along your journey and obviouslyboundaries will be different in
every situation with each personthat you interact with.
Do what makes you comfortable atwhat works best for you?
That leads me into the nextitem, which is number eight.
Sometimes where the toxicperson, we have to own up to the
(07:07):
things that we do as.
If not always everybody is doingeverything to you.
Sometimes we play a part.
Sometimes we contribute to theissue.
Sometimes we cause some of thethings that happened to
ourselves maybe directly orindirectly, and that's not to
(07:28):
point fingers and that's not topoint blame, but just taking
stock of the fact that, youknow, maybe I could have done
something different.
You know, maybe I lashed out atsomebody or I said something or
I did something in retaliationto something else that was
happening to me or somethingthat I haven't dealt with.
So just taking a step back andreassessing, sometimes we are
(07:50):
the toxic person.
Sometimes we're playing thevictim.
That brings me to number seven.
Sometimes we play the victim.
I'm not victim blaming.
I'm not saying that we are thevictim in some situations
because sometimes.
But how long are you gonna staythere?
Take the time that you need toprocess to sit with your
(08:11):
feelings, to think about whathas happened.
Be sad, cry, scream, do whateverit is that you need to do.
And then it's time to move on.
Staying in your victim.
Hood does not benefit you.
It's just going to constantlyremind you of what has happened.
You're going to keep replayingit in your mind.
(08:32):
You're basically revictimizingyourself.
Every single time you do that.
Does that mean it's your faultthat something happened to you
and you were a victim?
Not at all, but by staying inthat place, you're allowing the
other person to continue to havepower over you in the situation.
So you have to decide, okay, I'mdone being the V.
(08:53):
I'm going to heal from newsituation or I've already
healed, you know, as far as Ithink I need to from this
situation and I'm going to getmyself together and I'm going to
push forward.
Number six, this one was a hardone for me.
Closure is not always necessary.
(09:16):
You don't have to forgive peopleif you don't want to.
I know a lot of times we gethung up in this loop when
something happens and it's like,oh, I need to talk to them.
Or I want to have one lastconversation with them for
closure.
Why?
A lot of times we don't get theapology or the explanation that
we wanted.
(09:37):
And if we sat around waiting forthat so that we can have closure
on the situation, we probably bewaiting for it.
So be honest, sometimes theperson on the other end of the
situation, they don't know whythey did what they did.
Maybe it was just cause theywanted to, or they felt too at
that point in time, like it maynot be that deep, but maybe
(09:59):
they're, I'm apologizing.
I don't want to, I mean, to behonest with your hour and a half
as the apology, just becausesomebody felt like it was the
right thing to do, or they'rejust saying what it is that they
thought I wanted to hear, that'snot sincere.
So as far as I'm concerned, Theclosure is you do what you did.
I did what I did or said, but Isaid, and that's the end of the
(10:20):
conversation.
I'm not sitting around waitingfor somebody else to provide
closure so that I can move onwith my life.
I decide when I move on with mylife and I don't have to forgive
you, I don't subscribe to thiswhole, you know, for forgiving
forget mindset at this point inmy life.
I think I'm tired of being thebigger.
(10:43):
I'm tired of taking the highroad, tired of turning the other
cheek, all that is stuff thatthey teach in Abrahamic
religion.
And if you've been listening tothe past seven episodes, you'll
know that I don't practice that.
I just, I don't know.
I just feel like forgiveness.
A lot of people get hung up inthis, or you have to forgive the
other person.
If there's something you feellike you need to do for you so
(11:05):
you can move on, they do that,but don't make it about the
other person.
It's not going to changeanything.
The other thing is this far, toomany times in my life where I,
you know, people say it's notworthy to be the bigger person
and take the high road, thosedue to their level, no, being a
(11:26):
bigger person.
And most of the time has landedme in situations where I was
abused.
I was made to feel like myfeelings weren't important and
neighbor dismissed.
It gave folks the green light tocontinue doing whatever it is
that they needed, that they didthat put them in a position to
even want my forgiveness.
And I was just trampled all overdisrespected.
(11:49):
And like I said, abused, and myopinion is not.
You have to take stock of thesituations and the relationships
in your life.
And if you feel like it's goingto be an added benefit to your
life, to forgive that person andforget and move on, they do
that.
Me personally, I don't feel likethat's necessary.
(12:10):
We're grown people know whatthey did.
They knew exactly where theywere doing.
And as a result of their action,I have the opportunity to choose
my own action or inactiondepending on what the situation
is.
No, we do grown for foolishness.
(12:31):
I do not forgive and forget.
I just move on.
You said what you said?
I said what?
I said, you do what you did.
I did what I did and that's theend of it.
Number five.
It's okay.
To change.
(12:52):
Sometimes we go through lifethinking, oh, I want this.
Or I want that, you know,especially as it relates to
relationships, you know, maybe Ireally want to stay in this
relationship.
This is what I thought I wanted.
Then life happens.
It's okay to change it.
Sometimes we don't really knowwhat we want out of life until
(13:14):
we're in a situation where we'reexperiencing what it is that we
thought we wanted and thingsaren't going the way that we
wanted them to go or whereyou're realizing, you know what,
this isn't what I expected oranticipated.
And maybe this isn't a good fitfor me that could apply to
anything.
It could be a job, it could be arelationship.
It could be, you know, maybeyou're in school and you're
(13:35):
studying a particular field andyou decided, you know what, this
may be the same.
I think a lot of times we gethung up on.
Okay, well, I'll put a lot oftime into this situation.
I put a lot of money into thissituation.
I put a lot of energy in thissituation.
It's okay to change your mind.
It's okay to start over.
(13:59):
A lot of times you hear peoplesay things like, oh, I wasted my
time towards.
I would rather get out now thatI'm realizing that this isn't a
good fit for me.
There's a continue down a pathfor even more time and more
energy and more money.
And it isn't take a step backand reassess sometimes our wants
and our needs change.
It's okay to change your mind,do as best for you.
(14:23):
Don't let people make you feellike you can't number four.
You must be open-minded andwilling to try new things.
As we move on this journey.
For many of us we're adults.
I find that a lot of people gothrough this quarter life 30
(14:44):
year old, 35 year old crisis.
And they're re-evaluatingeverything in their life and
everything that they've beentaught, everything they've
learned over the years, youknow, and comparing that with
their life experiences over thepast few years, that brought
them to this particular.
Clearly, whatever it was thatyou were doing up until this
point was not working, or maybeit just wasn't working a hundred
(15:06):
percent.
That's why we're here.
That's why we're making thecommitment to ourselves to do
things differently.
So you have to be open-mindedand willing to try new things.
What's that saying?
Nor the same thing over and overand expecting different results
is insanity.
Be willing to try something new.
Now that may differ for you,depending on what that is.
(15:30):
For some people trying somethingnew is going to therapy.
Everybody need to go therapy.
I don't care what y'all think.
Maybe it's Geyser therapy.
Maybe it's a career change.
Maybe it's getting rid of somehabits that you need to get rid
of.
Maybe it's getting rid ofaddictions.
Maybe it's speaking up foryourself.
(15:53):
That's something different.
If you were somebody whonormally didn't know.
Maybe he's gone out and meet newfriends.
Maybe it's leaving arelationship.
Maybe you're starting in yourrelationship.
Maybe it's finding a new job.
Maybe it's trying a new hobby.
Maybe it's exercising.
Maybe it's changing your diet.
(16:14):
Just open-minded and willing totry new things.
I know for me, I usually willtry something new a few times.
Sometimes the first time theremay be some kind of shock or it
may not go the way you want itto.
But usually I'm willing to trysomething a second and possibly
a third time before I make mymind up about it.
Be open and willing to try newthings.
You made find out that youreally loved journaling, and
(16:35):
it's not like writing in yourdear diary when you're eight
years.
You may really like going to thegym because that's helping you
to relieve your stress, maybe,you know, changing your diet,
you know, because it helps toelevate your mood or maybe
addressing medical issues.
Maybe you're trying to lose someweight, whatever, be open-minded
and willing to try somethingnew.
(16:58):
Number three, sometimes thisjourney is long.
I spoke.
I think number 10 was you can'ttake everybody with you.
So as you grow up in progress,you may find that certain
people, places and things areremoved from your life by
spirit.
(17:18):
If they're meant to be gone,don't go back and get them.
But you may find yourself in aplace where you feel like you
are alone on an island andnobody understands what you're
going through, what you'redealing with with your term.
You know, maybe the folks thatyou usually talk to or you went
to for comfort or spent timewith, maybe they're not around
(17:38):
anymore, they're not availableto you.
Maybe you have to avoid certainpeople, places and things
because they're triggers, youknow, so it's more of a
self-imposed isolation.
Just understanding that when youmake the commitment to yourself
into your own healing, it mayrequire you to destroy.
And tear down your old lifeentirely so that you could
(18:01):
prepare and rebuild for the newone.
Take this time alone to see.
And listen, listen to yourguides, listen to spirit, ask
for direction, ask for clarity,take this quiet time.
Take advantage of it for a lotof people.
This whole COVID situation forthe last two years has been
(18:21):
quiet time.
Take this time to sit down andreally think about what it is in
your life that you want tochange, what it is that you want
to accomplish and move forwardand what it is that you're
willing to let go of and leavebehind to accomplish those
things.
It made me lonely, but trust me,it'll get better.
(18:43):
And it may just be a matter ofgetting out here and trying
something new, going somewherenew and meeting some folks that
are like minded.
Maybe that's online.
You know, if you ask to meetlike-minded people, friends,
family loved ones, whatever itis.
You'll meet the right people atthe right time that are on the
(19:04):
same page that you're on.
So if you're feeling lonely asto me, you know, and attract
like-minded people, there'ssomething you can pray and ask
for easily.
Maybe it's just joining aFacebook.
You know, maybe it's just fatgoing to an event in your city.
You need like minded folks.
I found that when I starteddoing that, I started seeing the
same people at different events,all across town.
Sometimes you phone prints likethat.
(19:26):
But don't be afraid to step outthere.
You know, nobody is saying thatjust because you're on a healing
journey that you have to sit inthe house by yourself, but just
know that it can be a lonelyjourney, something to think
about.
Number two, this journey is not.
(19:49):
healing work.
Inner healing work has been someof the most difficult work I had
done in my 35 years on thisplanet.
It requires you to really take astep back, get out of your
denial.
It take a cold, long, hard lookat your.
(20:10):
Yes.
Other people play a factor intowhy you had to come to this
point and embark on thisjourney, but it's not about
them.
It's about you.
It's not going to be easy.
You're going to have to thinkabout things they may be.
You don't want to think about,you're going to have to have
hard conversations.
They may be.
You didn't want to have, you'regoing to have to admit the
things and talk about things andmaybe you don't want to talk
(20:32):
about, but it is necessary foryour.
Remember growth happens indarkness and you cannot share a
habit testimony you can't sharewith anybody else.
If you yourself have never beentested as we go through life, we
all face trials andtribulations.
(20:52):
It's not necessarily about thetrials and the tribulations, but
it's about how did you reboundfrom them?
What did you learn from thoselife experiences?
What changes did you make as aresult?
And if you feel up to it, whatcan you share with others?
Who also on their journey, whoalso may be experiencing the
same things that you are, ormaybe what it is that you are
sharing may prevent them fromgoing through some of those
(21:13):
things or maybe soften the blow.
This journey is not easy.
I don't care what anybody tellsyou.
It's not, it ain't always goingto be unicorns, cherries, and
rainbows, but just know that itis worth it.
You're choosing yourself.
You're choosing.
To Uplevel your life so that youcan live the kind of life that
(21:34):
you want to live so that you canachieve happiness and blessing
while their prosperity andgrowth, nothing worth having in
this life is going to come easy.
You have to put in the work thelonger you take and drag your
feet.
(21:54):
When it comes to putting in thework, the longer you may see.
And I'm gonna be real withy'all.
There is not honoring suffering.
Do what you need to do.
It won't be easy.
You just, just stick it out.
Trust me.
It will all be for the better inthe end.
And now we are at the last one,which is number one, and this is
(22:16):
the most important you cannumber two through 10.
However it is there.
You want to do it.
This is the most important thingI want you all to read.
Healing is not a linear process.
Some of you all may have heardthat statement before buddies.
True.
(22:37):
It's not like you wake up oneday and you say, all right, I'm
on the journey to healing andI'm going to do this and this
and this.
And then I'm done.
We will continue to heal ourentire lives until we take our
last breath.
You will take forward steps for.
And you will take stepsbackward, and then you will go
(22:59):
forward again.
The important thing is to notstay stuck and to keep moving.
If you feel like you haveexperienced a setback, take some
time to think about, okay, notso much.
Why is this happening to me?
But what is this situationteaching me?
What can I learn here was mytakeaway so that I can move on
(23:22):
to the next.
No one will ever be in asituation where they're a
hundred percent healed as lifegoes on and we'll continue to
face situations.
We'll continue to face trialsand tribulations.
And those things add character.
They give us experiences to drawupon as we move into new
experiences in life.
But just understand that it'snot a linear process.
(23:45):
There's not a straight line frompoint a to point B.
Think of it as that is.
Where there will be peaks andvalleys, but as long as you stay
on a journey, you're moving inthe right direction.
So I know this week's episodewas a little bit different.
I wanted to switch things up,try something new, but those are
(24:09):
the top 10 things that I havepersonally learned on my healing
journey.
So far.
I hope you all found somethingin here.
You enjoy the show.
Please feel free to leave us arating on iTunes or Spotify.
You can send me a messagedirectly.
I will put my contactinformation in the show notes,
(24:30):
share with a friend if thisblessed you today.
And as always before I go, butI'll leave you all with an
affirmation.
I affirm I am in the driver'sseat of my own journey.
Thanks for listening.
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