February 23, 2022 • 39 mins
The host, Femi the Divine, discusses how to identify and overcome abuse in relationships as well as tips to move onwards and upwards.
Topics Discussed - inner healing, healing work, therapy, psychotherapy, setting healthy boundaries, trying new things, loneliness, moving on, starting over, choosing yourself, self love, self worth, doing the work, personal transformation, self development, self improvement, self help, personal development, abuse, abusive relationships, overcoming abuse, toxic relationships, gaslighting, narcissists, narcissism, domestic violence, stalking, bullying, cyberbullying, surviving, narcissistic personality disorder, etc.
Contact info - Femi the Divine
IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com
Contact info - Femi the Divine
IG @divinehealingpodcast
www.thedivinehealingpodcast.com
femithedivine@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I am your host, Femi, the divineand welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome back to the show.
So we are now on episode numbernine.
Today's topic is kinda heavy.
I'll be honest with you.
It's something that was on mylist of things to talk about.
When I decided to start thispodcast, I had a whole list of
(00:22):
things that I wrote down, but.
I didn't necessarily have anorder in which I wanted to talk
about things.
And some weeks I may feel like,okay, I want to talk about this,
experiments me to talk aboutsomething else.
This week's topic is going to beabuse, how to end the cycle, how
to move on, how to heal, how tomove onwards and upwards.
But before we get into that, Iwant to just say again.
(00:43):
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who hasbeen listening everywhere, who
has reached out to me withfeedback, you are much
appreciated, and where's myheart to know that people are
listening and they are findingthe information that I'm sharing
helpful.
Because that was really the goalhere.
Spirit nudge me to start thispodcast.
As I have explained and pastepisodes, this was a labor of
(01:03):
love for me.
You really need, you're sharingmy experiences in the hopes that
it will help someone else alongtheir journey.
Because when I started out onthis path unknowingly it was
difficult, you know, just tryingto find my way.
So again, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who hasprovided feedback, who has
listened, who has sent me amessage directly saying that
they're enjoying the podcast.
(01:23):
If you have shared it online, ifyou have shared it with.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Please leave a review on Spotifyor on iTunes as that helps with
visibility with the show.
Also, if there's any topics thatyou all may want to hear about,
shoot me a message and let meknow.
And if you have any questions,I'm going to be doing a Q and a.
(01:46):
Episode soon.
So gathering questions for that.
So again, thank you.
And now we can get into today'stopic, which is abuse.
Abuse is something taboo,something we don't really
discuss openly.
And I think part of that has todo with the shame surrounding
it.
You know, a lot of times, if youfind yourself in that particular
situation, you feel like, oh myGod, I never thought this would
(02:09):
happen.
You know, how did I end up here?
How did I let this happen?
If you even recognize that thatwas what was happening I'm going
to be speaking specifically.
How about abuse as it relates tothe context of a romantic
situation is that was mysituation.
As I expressed to you all inpast episodes, I was in a
(02:31):
long-term relationship andmarried for an extended period
of time.
And that came to a halt abouttwo years ago.
But the last few years of thatwere very Rocky because of some
other things that werehappening.
And I have to be honest withyou, a lot of the things that I
did not pick up.
Things change gradually.
There are certain behaviors Ibegan to see and before I knew
(02:51):
it, it had snowball out ofcontrol.
And I didn't even realize thatthat was the situation that I
was in until I was in therapy.
And I was talking to a therapistabout it, or, you know, how you
explain your situation tosomebody else?
And they're like, oh my God.
And you're like, oh, damn, Ididn't realize it was that bad
until you get somebody else'sreaction.
Abuse specifically by definitionis generally.
(03:17):
To treat a person with crueltyor violence, especially
repeatedly, and to go deeperthan that and attempt to use
highly charged emotions tocontrol the actions of another
by undercutting their sense ofself competence and mental
health.
I think that for most of us,when we hear that we're abuse,
we think about like domesticviolence.
We think about somebodyphysically hitting or pushing
(03:40):
or, you know, attacking someone,or we may think of verbally.
As it relates to name callingand yelling and, you know,
putting somebody down, but abusecan be so many more things.
They just, those two things, youknow, we may think about sexual
assault may think about rape.
But then that can be cast muchwider than that.
(04:04):
And I think that, especiallythose of us who are millennials,
I'm a millennial on the olderend of the spectrum.
We are starting to discuss a lotof things that were previously
considered taboo.
We are going to therapy whereyou're speaking openly about a
lot of the things that we, thatare happening to us.
We are not tolerating toxicsituations in relationships,
(04:27):
whether it be friends, family,romantic partners, jobs, any of
those types of situations.
We are.
Speaking up for ourselves and weare taking care of ourselves and
we are doing all of this radicalself care and healing work.
Along with that comesenlightenment.
(04:51):
We're more likely to recognizesome of these things as abuse
and manipulation.
A lot of people are talkingabout narcissists and
narcissism.
Gaslighting manipulation.
All of these things they'vebecome quite buzzwords here
lately.
I seen narcissist that's wherepop-up all my Instagram timeline
all the time.
There are accounts that talkabout, you know, dealing with
(05:12):
narcissistic abuse.
Well, I don't think thateverybody is a narcissist every
time you're in a toxicrelationship, a situation with
somebody there in narcissist,they could be, but just keep in
mind.
Narcissism is a personalitydisorder and there is like a
formal diagnosis for that.
Does that mean that everybody'sin there?
Maybe not, but as that meansthat they may have narcissistic
(05:33):
personality traits, possibly ofcourse they could.
Same goes for gaslighting.
I don't think every particularsituation that we assign that
Monica to is necessarily gaslighting, but I can tell you one
thing, gas light makes you thinkyou're crazy as hell.
It is ice confusion.
If it's that definition or not,you know, with something made
(05:53):
you.
All uncomfortable.
And sometimes that's really allit takes for you to feel like,
you know what?
This is not right.
I don't appreciate this, nottolerating this, and I'm going
to move on.
It took me some time to gathermy thoughts about this topic.
I knew it was something I wantedto talk about and the past week
or so, it's just beencontinuously popping up on my
(06:16):
radar.
You know, where there is peoplesharing.
Oh, I want to call it a mean,but maybe like those little
infographics about.
Conversations that I'm seeing ontimelines or in groups.
And then finally, literallydreaming and hearing myself
discussing this topic on thepodcast.
I realized it was finally time.
I was nervous about revealingmyself in a certain way about
(06:37):
certain things.
So I'm not gonna go into meetinggritty detail about some of my
experiences, but know thatevery.
Then I talk about on thispodcast, it's something that I
have personally experienced isnot me making stuff up.
So like I said, this is a heavytopic.
It may be triggering for somepeople.
(07:00):
I'm throwing that out there.
Now, if you feel like you needto turn this off and go listen
to something else, feel free todo that, but we're going to talk
about the different types ofabuse, how to recognize.
And then how to overcome andheal and move forward because
that's really the most importantthing, right?
That's why we're here.
(07:20):
We're doing our inner healingwork so that we can move on and
live the life that we want tolive so that we can live our
best life.
Nobody deserves to be in asituation that is abusive.
Nobody deserves to be abused byanybody else.
They may have even told you thatit's not your fault.
You don't deserve.
(07:40):
There's a thing that you did inhis lifetime that could justify
why somebody would do what it isthat they did to you, but is up
to you to take theresponsibility, to heal and move
on from it.
You can't stay at your victim.
(08:00):
So that really is my purpose indiscussing this topic.
And also so that you can take astep back and rec recognize it,
because like I said, Recognizewhat was happening until I was
in therapy talking about anhour.
I was like, holy shit, like,damn, how did I, how did I get
here?
Like eye opening.
(08:22):
So some of this stuff that I'mgoing to talk about, I'm going
to bring up particular things.
Some of these things you may nothave even thought about.
There are a wide variety oftypes of abuse.
We've already talked aboutphysical.
You know that somebodyphysically attacking, hitting,
harming, but also keep in mindthat somebody physically abusing
(08:44):
you can also be preventing youfrom doing something.
Maybe it's withholding certainthings from you.
It could be disrupting you sobad that you can't eat our
sleep.
It could be, maybe you get intoan altercation and they block
you from receiving medical.
For those who know what I do, amI 95, sometimes this comes up
(09:06):
with domestic violencesituations.
Somebody may get into asituation where they've been
harmed by their, their partner,and then they take the person's
cell phone and they can't evencall the police for help.
They take the car keys, theycan't leave the house.
Those types of things can beconsidered.
If they fall into the categoryof physical abuse, preventing
you from eating or sleep.
(09:27):
You know, they come in andthey're constantly waking you
up.
They're picking fights.
They start arguments with you.
They're doing stuff that, thatjust does not allow you to
either rest.
Maybe they may not be harmingyou directly, but maybe they're
harming your children, yourfamily members, your pets, pets
are a big one.
Harming someone's pet is a bigmarker of domestic violence.
Maybe they're driving recklesslywith.
(09:49):
Or they're putting you out thecar on the side of the road
somewhere.
Maybe it's not safe.
Maybe they're trapping you inthe house.
You're not allowed to goanywhere.
Maybe they're blocking you frombeing able to take your
medications or get the medicaltreatment that you need, outside
of, being in a physicalaltercation with them.
It's definitely something tothink.
As far as emotional or verbalabuse, obviously name calling
criticism, talking down tosomebody.
(10:11):
Those things are things that wecan immediately recognize as
being abusive behaviors.
But what about acting jealousand being possessive?
What if they don't trust you andthey're constantly reminding you
of that isolating you from yourfriends or your family or folks
that may help you monitoringyour activities.
They want to know where you'regoing, who you're going with
tracking somebody's phone.
Tracking internet usage,monitoring, phone calls, all of
(10:36):
that stuff.
Expecting an accounting of whereyou've been there.
Every time you come back in thehouse trying to control your
appearance, humiliating you infront of other people.
That's a big one.
Gaslighting falls into thiscategory.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I dealt with gaslightingspecifically and.
Yes.
Lighting is like a bunch ofconfusion.
(11:00):
So like for instance, somebodymay say or do something to you
and then you come back and youbring it up.
And they're like, I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
I didn't say that.
I didn't do that.
And you're like, wait a minute.
Yesterday and it almost makesyou feel like you're crazy, you
know?
And it can go as far as somebodydeliberately.
(11:21):
Doing something with the purposeof confusing you Sometimes they
will trivialize things that area big deal to you.
They may try to, dismiss yourfeelings and brush them under
the rug.
They'll refuse to listen.
They'll confuse you with theirwords is that's what they call
word salad, where it justdoesn't make any sense.
They're talking in circles andargument, you're having an
(11:43):
argument about something andthey're bringing up stuff that
has nothing to do with anythingas a distraction.
It can be very draining.
It can be very draining to thepoint where you just emotionally
cannot deal with it.
And a lot of times with gaslighting, it's all purpose.
Like they're, you know,purposely gassing you up so that
(12:05):
you think that you're crazy.
Again, verbal, emotional abusecan be threatening.
You, your children, your family,your pets, damaging your
belongings.
That was a big one.
Having no regard for yourpersonal items, you know, they
may throw things away.
They may destroy them.
They may punch walls, you know,all kinds of crazy stuff like
(12:26):
that.
I'm blaming you for theirabusive behavior.
So, you know, because they'redoing all of these things to you
somehow, it's your fault.
Remember it's never your faultaccusing you of cheating.
That's a big one, especiallywhen they know that that's not
how.
(12:46):
Or they cheat on you and thenthey blame you for the fact that
they're cheating, cheatingintentionally to hurt your
feelings or, you know,threatening to cheat, you know,
because the other person isbetter.
Putting you down, you know,telling you things that you'll
never do any better.
You'll never find anybodybetter.
Just basically just beratingyou.
(13:07):
All of those things are verbal.
And emotional abuse and itdoesn't necessarily have to be
somebody yelling at you and namecalling.
It can be a wide variety ofthings.
Obviously sexual abuse, most ofus are familiar with what that
means.
You know, what sexual assaultis, what rape is, what
molestation is, but alsounderstanding that just because
you were in a relationship withsomebody and you do have a
(13:28):
sexual relationship, does notmean that you are not in control
of your person and your body.
So if you are being forced to dothings that you don't.
If, you're engaging in activityand you want to stop and they
don't allow you to, if they areusing force, if they are
(13:50):
engaging in activities with youand you're incapacitated or
trying to force you when you'retired, when you're sick, when
you're otherwise incapacitated,where you've said, no, all of
that is abuse.
Same things apply threateningweapons, harming ignore your
feelings.
As it relates to sex.
(14:11):
Consent is a big thing here.
Not getting consent is abusivebehavior.
It's all about power andcontrol.
All of this that we're talkingabout abuse is about power and
control.
Maybe.
They give you a sexuallytransmitted disease, refusing to
wear condoms, not allowing youto take birth control, removing
(14:34):
condoms in the middle of the actcoercion.
Coercion is a big one.
If you've ever been in asituation where somebody back,
back, back, back bags, drew sobad to the point where you give
in, because you want them toleave you the hell alone.
Yeah.
That's abusive behavior.
(14:55):
Pressuring you, it's aparticipate in making you feel
guilty for not doing things,especially where you are in a
situation where maybe you'reill.
You are incapacitated.
Maybe you're tired.
You know, you're not able to dowhat it is that you, they want
you to do.
(15:15):
Obviously what it is that youdon't want to do, all of that is
abusive behavior.
Financial abuse is another one.
You know, maybe they controltheir finances.
They only gave you a certainamount of money.
They give you an allowance.
They block you from havingaccess to your money.
Maybe the money is a posit intoaccount that you don't have
access to.
Maybe you can't log in and seehow much money.
(15:36):
Maybe they're not giving youtheir share of the money in
forcing you to pay foreverything.
Maybe they're not allowing youto work or limiting the hours
you can work or demanding thatyou be home with the kids and
solely rely on them.
Opening the council, your nameand I paying I'm refusing to
contribute to the household,fusing the work.
(15:56):
If you're going to provide moneyfor necessary things like food,
clothing, shelter, all of those.
If there is any malicious intentbehind any of that, those are
abusive behaviors.
Digital abuse, you know, we'reall on social media.
We use technology.
Think about bullying.
Think about, you know, somebodystalking you, I've seen in
(16:17):
situations where you know, thesignificant other, the partner
that's, the abuser has created.
For the other person and they'remonitoring the person's profile
or they're posting as them, allkinds of crazy stuff happens
posting you know, inappropriateor threatening to post
inappropriate photos cyberbullying, all of that kind of
(16:37):
stuff.
Kids hit so into.
Abused, especially when there ismalicious intent behind it.
So I'm listing all of thesethings out, and this is not an
exhaustive list just to openyour eyes, to see that a lot of
these things, while they mayseem like small behaviors, would
they all add up it has theability to snowball into a
(16:59):
really gnarly situation.
Many of these things, you know,if it happened, as a one-off, we
may not even think twice aboutit, but when you add them all
up, it's a look good to it.
It just keep in mind that all ofthese things are done in an
(17:22):
effort to control you, but theother person to have power and
control over.
So that they beat you down, thatthey kill yourself, confidence
that they kill yourself worth sothat they can be in control.
(17:42):
And at the end of the day, noneof this stuff really has
anything to do with you.
It has to do with them and theirissues and their things that
they're not dealing.
But they're not working on that.
They're not healing from, whichhas put them in a position where
they feel like they have to bein control.
Maybe they can't controlanything else they got going on
(18:03):
in their life, but they cancontrol you.
They can walk, walk all over topof you and maybe it didn't start
out like that.
I know in my situation, itstarted out like that for me,
but over time things change Iknow for me, I was, dealing with
some medical issues.
I was in more chronic illness,which I talked about past
episodes, that data, that wasepisode number three, but
(18:23):
because I was so focused all inwhile what was wrong and trying
to get my health in order, a lotof these things I missed.
And when I realized that it wastoo far gone, it was too late.
I just couldn't see the forestfor the trees.
(18:44):
I was just in such a bad placebecause my health was failing
me.
And part of me wonders if all ofthis stuff that was going on,
what's causing my health tofail.
I was my health failing, causingme to be blind to some of the
other things that were going onin my house.
I think it was a little bit ofboth, but I've, I, you know, I
(19:04):
said all of this to say, if alight bulb has gone off for you
or any of those things that Ijust.
Those are abusive behaviors thatwas done in an attempt to exert
control over you.
It's a boost their self-esteem,their self-confidence to make
(19:28):
them feel better.
So now it's like, okay.
I realize the situation that I'min.
Looking too good.
So what do I do from here?
We've talked about all the badstuff.
So now let's talk about where'sit upwards.
(19:50):
What do we do now?
Often times we suffer insilence.
We suffer in confusion.
We may not realize what ishappening.
Like I said, it can be a lot ofsmall things that snowball, you
get to a point where you'relike, you know what?
I can't take this shit.
Like some guy give, I can't livemy life like this.
(20:11):
If you are living in your houseand you're walking on eggshells,
I remember, avoided being in myhouse because I didn't want to
come home and have to deal withthis ticking time bomb.
I didn't want to have to engagein arguments over asinine
things.
I didn't want to have to, be uphalf the night because I
couldn't sleep because somebodywas raised in hell, am I.
(20:34):
Or it was the opposite.
People don't think aboutemotional abuse in this regard.
It can also be neglect.
You may have somebody who,instead of being overly
possessive and overly protectiveand overly jealous, maybe they
just pull back and withdraw isthat they don't pay you any
attention to.
(20:55):
They don't speak to you.
They don't check on you.
They don't see how you're doing.
They don't help you withanything.
It's like, you don't exist.
They Stonewall.
So that was something thathappened in my house, you know,
when speak to me for days, causethey were mad at me over
something that one, I might noteven know what it was too.
I might not have had nothing todo with me.
And three, it wasn't even myfault.
(21:17):
It was something imaginary, theymade up in their head today when
the bee man about, you know, butsomehow that was my fault too.
Right.
So I will be on the receivingend of basically nothing that
can be a form of emotional abusetoo.
Sometimes we suffer in silenceand cause we usually, because we
feel like, you know, okay, Igotta pick my battles.
I don't have the capacity todeal with another argument.
(21:41):
I don't have the capacity todeal with.
So maybe a mad at me today.
I'm tired.
I got other things I got tofocus on.
You may feel like it's not worthit, cause they're not gonna
change.
They're not gonna listen to you.
They're not gonna hear what itis that you have to say.
So you suffer in silence and youmove on to something else.
You focus your attention onother things.
I think the first step tohealing and recovery is one
(22:05):
acknowledging what has happened.
That may be really different.
Especially in the confines ofromantic relationships, because
I think back to a lot of thethings that appear as red flags
to me now, 10, 12, 14 years agodid it.
(22:31):
I was young.
I was naive.
I maybe didn't understand whatwas going on or.
I was too busy listening to whatother people were telling me,
especially as it relates tobeing in a romantic relationship
with somebody being married, youknow, people tell you things
like, oh, well you have to makesure that.
(22:53):
If you want to keep your man,you have to do this and this and
this.
You want to keep your husbandhappy, you know, all this kind
of stuff.
And when you really think aboutit, a lot of that comes from
situations where maybe all fourmothers had to deal with it, put
up with stuff because theydidn't have any, maybe they feel
like they didn't have any otheroptions at the turn.
You know, resources were limitedfor women.
Maybe you stayed in thissituation cause you want to make
sure your kids were taken careof, or you didn't know where he
(23:15):
was going to go with all themkids or, you know, I think women
were just at a disadvantage in alot of situations because of
where we were in society at thattime, and that doesn't apply to
everybody.
Cause some, some women still,you know, branched out and went
on about their way because theyweren't willing to tolerate any
crap everybody's situation isdifferent.
But I think that if we're stillholding on to a lot of those
(23:38):
outdated ideals and that we haveto be reliant on a man, the
stability for security, forsafety.
We want our family to betogether.
For the sake of our children,you don't realize that that now
we have other options.
There's always another option.
(23:58):
We have to let go of thoseoutdated ideas.
You do not have to stay in asituation where your baby is
treated.
There's always a way.
The first step is acknowledgingwhere.
Don't downplay it, see it forwhat it is.
(24:19):
Okay.
So now that you realize what thesituation is, what you would do
about it, do you want to moveon?
Do you want to leave?
Is your safety at risk dependingon the severity of the
situation.
And again, it may not be yourphysical safely.
It could be your mental andemotional.
(24:41):
Get a safety plan in place.
If that means moving, maybe youneed to pack up with your kids
and go somewhere else, get aplan in place.
You probably gonna need somemoney to do it.
You may need a safe place tostay depending on your
situation.
Start putting those things inmotion.
The next thing you want to do isto seek support that may be
(25:02):
therapy.
You probably won't need therapy,you know, depending on the
severity of the situation,sometimes people have PTSD.
Anxiety, they have depressionyourself worth may be
compromised.
Your, your self esteem, yourcompetence, all of those things,
you may feel downtrodden andtrampled on after dealing with
these particular situations,seek support, that may be
(25:27):
therapy that may be focus groupthat may just be trusted, family
and friends.
That may be some sort ofspiritual advisor seek support
and help.
For what it is that you'redealing with.
You may not be able to do thatuntil you can remove yourself
from the situation, butdefinitely seek help.
(25:47):
Even if it's just being able totalk to somebody you trust about
what has happened.
And if you're not write it downin your journal, do whatever it
is that you need to do to getyour feelings out.
This will be ongoing thing, toclear your mind, think about how
(26:12):
this is going to change yourlife.
Moving forward.
If you need to move forward doyou need to change jobs?
Do you need to change locations?
Maybe if you stayed at home andyou didn't work now to me, it's
going back to work.
What does that mean for yoursituation?
If you share the household withsomebody, well, how is that
going to impact your finances?
Does that now mean that you'regoing to be responsible for
(26:34):
other bills?
If you need more money to takecare of that, does that mean
that now you're branching outand you're getting written in an
apartment or something, and nowyou're responsible for those
bills, then next thing you wantto do, and I'll be honest with
you.
These are not necessarily in anyorder.
But setting boundaries.
(26:55):
So if you're going to move onfrom a particular situation,
because you need to, or you feellike you can't tolerate it
anymore, or pieces at risk, yoursafety, physical safety is at
risk.
Your mental health is at risk.
You need to move on setboundaries.
Are you going to communicatewith this person anymore?
Some situations you have to gohome.
(27:17):
And some situations they may notbe that easy.
Maybe you have jointobligations, maybe you have
children.
You have to co-parent set aboundary.
How were you able to communicatewith that person?
Are you going to communicate viatelephone or you can communicate
only via text message.
Is somebody else going to be thego-between between the two of
(27:37):
you all, is somebody going to bethe mediator?
Is there going to be a neutralmeeting place?
If you meet.
To drive your children or makesome sort of exchange set
boundaries around that, becauseremember you're in this
situation because that personhas tried to exert dominance and
(27:58):
control over you.
So don't think that will youseparate from Invesco stop?
They're still gonna try it.
So now it's up to you to setyour boundaries.
You've already determined thatI'm not dealing with it.
I'm taking control of my life.
I'm moving on.
So you said how the boundary orhow you communicate with that
person.
(28:18):
They may not abide by that, butyou have to do what you need to
do to set the boundary and letthem know that you're not
paying.
something else you really shoulddo is shift your mindset about a
(28:39):
lot of things.
It focus on yourself.
Be mindful of negative copingmechanisms.
You may need to do somethingdifferently now.
So if you were in relationshipand you dealt with a lot of
those behaviors in a particularway, Maybe you were drinking,
maybe we using substances.
Maybe you were avoiding.
(28:59):
Maybe you were sleep all thetime.
Maybe you were already eating.
Maybe you were over shopping.
If there was some sort ofaddictive behavior that you were
engaging in to try to cope witheverything that was going on,
you may need to reassess thosethings.
You may need to find healthierways to cope with your feelings
around the situation.
(29:19):
Focus on your self care.
Focus on rebuilding yourself,worth yourself.
Competence.
I think episode number two talksabout self love.
There's a lot of things in thatparticular episode that you can
do, but focus on yourself, everybuilding, because the only place
(29:46):
to go from here.
It's over the upwards, get ridof negative.
Self-talk get rid of all of thethings that they told you that
you were or were not that youcould or could not do that.
(30:08):
Stuff's not true.
They said all of those things.
And did all of those things toyou in an attempt, she break.
So they could be in control fortheir own, whatever their own
sort of purposes, where again,it is never your fault.
(30:30):
We may not have control over thethings that happened to us.
And at this point, this alreadyhappened.
You can't turn back the clockand said that you could do.
All you can do is takeresponsibility for how you're
going to deal with it, howyou're going to heal from it and
(30:53):
how you are going to moveforward.
Don't allow somebody from yourpast to have power over you.
You have the power to changeyour own life.
Don't let them hold you back.
If you were in a situation.
(31:13):
The other person puts you down.
They build little Jew, they werecondescending.
They tore you down physically,verbally, emotionally.
It's time to build yourself up.
A lot of times people do thatkind of stuff because they are
insecure.
(31:34):
They feel inadequate.
So the only way to feed theirego is by tearing down and
attack.
Somebody else.
It has nothing to do with you.
It has to do with them in theirissues, their insecurities,
their feelings of inadequacy.
You just happened to be in closeproximity, or you were, the
(31:56):
target is natural fault.
It was not fair.
You did not deserve it.
There was nothing you did thatjustifies what they did to.
I understand that.
(32:16):
The other thing is this too.
Sometimes with you are a personwho shines so bright, it
irritates other people.
It stirs up something in thembecause they're not happy with
themselves.
They're miserable so that dayhave to now bring you down to
their level so that you can bemiserable.
(32:38):
Never shrink yourself to makesomebody else feel comfortable.
Never you're doing yourself adisservice by doing that.
One thing I have learned throughthis whole experience was just
(33:00):
that I will never, ever, ever bein a situation where I will
down.
Or shrink myself, my attributes,my achievements, my qualities,
because they make somebody elseuncomfortable.
I don't have to apologize forbeing who I am.
I have worked very hard, verylong to be in the situation that
(33:23):
I'm in to be who I am.
Some of it was given by God'sgrace.
And some of it was stuff that Iworked hard.
Never dim your light for anybodyelse.
You'll ask the sun to turn downto you.
Do not dim your light.
(33:44):
That is a major warning sign.
If you're in relationship withsomebody else, whether it is a
romantic partner, it's a friendis a family member, coworker
employee.
I don't care who it is.
If somebody does not allow youto be your whole income.
Self red flag, big red flag flagon the play.
(34:07):
However you want to describe itbecause they do not have your
best interest at heart.
And again, it can be small,subtle things where you don't
even realize it.
They make subtle jabs at you.
They criticize your appearance,you know, sometimes don't even
(34:28):
worry.
In a way that you almost feellike you're questioning
yourself, see, that's where thatgets like in karma, you know,
you're questioning yourselfalmost like it's your idea, you
know, not theirs, they plantedthe seed in your head, but now
you thinking it's your idea.
If somebody does not want you tothrive, to grow, to evolve or be
(34:55):
your whole local pizza.
That's not somebody that youwant to be around or be a
relationship with.
Cause they don't have your bestinterests at heart.
And maybe it's because they hadtheir own trauma and they need
to deal with babies because theyhaven't done their own healing,
but you can't allow somebodyelse not doing their healing to
(35:17):
MP yours.
I know that was a mouthful.
And this is a heavy topic, butlike I said, the topic kept
coming up and I felt the need todiscuss it, without getting too
(35:37):
much of the nitty gritty detailof what I dealt with.
But lastly, remember this don'trush it.
Do not rush your healing.
Healing takes time.
It will take time for you toprocess what has happened to
(36:00):
you.
It will take time for you torebuild and retrain your brain.
It'll take time for you to pickup new habits, to get rid of
negative self talk to change.
Maybe you need to change yourcoping mechanisms and skills to
go to therapy.
You're not going to go to onesession and it has to be all.
(36:20):
You know, it is going to taketime.
Don't rush it.
But the most important part isthe fact that you are here.
You you're doing the work.
You acknowledge what happened.
A you are getting a plan inplace to address it and move on
(36:44):
so you can get on with yourlife.
I'm just going to happen toanybody.
It doesn't have to be this big,gnarly thing where somebody's
beating you up and kicking youdown and sex or calling you out
of your name.
It can be so much more thanthat.
(37:08):
And it can be so many littlethings over time.
And the longer that you were inthat situation, the longer that
you endure those things, itimpacts you, it can impact your
physical health.
That happens to me, can impactyour mental and emotional
health.
It can impact your performanceat school at work.
(37:31):
It can impact your relationshipwith other people and how you
show up with them.
Or if you even show up at.
It can occur over an extendedperiod of time.
So if something happens to youalready extended period of time,
it's likely it may take you anextended period of time to heal
(37:53):
from that.
And that's okay.
But the important thing is thatyou chose yourself and that
means you're on the right.
So, thank you all for listening.
If you enjoyed today's show oryou found some information and
(38:18):
baby that was helpful, pleasefeel free to leave me some
feedback, share with a friendCheryl, on social media that you
listened to the podcast.
However it is that you chooseto.
But thank you, but let's meet.
(38:39):
And before I go as always, I'mgoing to leave you all with an
affirmation.
I affirm, I overcome all of theobstacles life throws at me.
(39:00):
Thanks for listening.
Bye bye.
Welcome to the divine healingpodcast.
I am your host, Femi, the divineand welcome.
Welcome.
Welcome back to the show.
So we are now on episode numbernine.
Today's topic is kinda heavy.
I'll be honest with you.
It's something that was on mylist of things to talk about.
When I decided to start thispodcast, I had a whole list of
(00:22):
things that I wrote down, but.
I didn't necessarily have anorder in which I wanted to talk
about things.
And some weeks I may feel like,okay, I want to talk about this,
experiments me to talk aboutsomething else.
This week's topic is going to beabuse, how to end the cycle, how
to move on, how to heal, how tomove onwards and upwards.
But before we get into that, Iwant to just say again.
(00:43):
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who hasbeen listening everywhere, who
has reached out to me withfeedback, you are much
appreciated, and where's myheart to know that people are
listening and they are findingthe information that I'm sharing
helpful.
Because that was really the goalhere.
Spirit nudge me to start thispodcast.
As I have explained and pastepisodes, this was a labor of
(01:03):
love for me.
You really need, you're sharingmy experiences in the hopes that
it will help someone else alongtheir journey.
Because when I started out onthis path unknowingly it was
difficult, you know, just tryingto find my way.
So again, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to everyone who hasprovided feedback, who has
listened, who has sent me amessage directly saying that
they're enjoying the podcast.
(01:23):
If you have shared it online, ifyou have shared it with.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Please leave a review on Spotifyor on iTunes as that helps with
visibility with the show.
Also, if there's any topics thatyou all may want to hear about,
shoot me a message and let meknow.
And if you have any questions,I'm going to be doing a Q and a.
(01:46):
Episode soon.
So gathering questions for that.
So again, thank you.
And now we can get into today'stopic, which is abuse.
Abuse is something taboo,something we don't really
discuss openly.
And I think part of that has todo with the shame surrounding
it.
You know, a lot of times, if youfind yourself in that particular
situation, you feel like, oh myGod, I never thought this would
(02:09):
happen.
You know, how did I end up here?
How did I let this happen?
If you even recognize that thatwas what was happening I'm going
to be speaking specifically.
How about abuse as it relates tothe context of a romantic
situation is that was mysituation.
As I expressed to you all inpast episodes, I was in a
(02:31):
long-term relationship andmarried for an extended period
of time.
And that came to a halt abouttwo years ago.
But the last few years of thatwere very Rocky because of some
other things that werehappening.
And I have to be honest withyou, a lot of the things that I
did not pick up.
Things change gradually.
There are certain behaviors Ibegan to see and before I knew
(02:51):
it, it had snowball out ofcontrol.
And I didn't even realize thatthat was the situation that I
was in until I was in therapy.
And I was talking to a therapistabout it, or, you know, how you
explain your situation tosomebody else?
And they're like, oh my God.
And you're like, oh, damn, Ididn't realize it was that bad
until you get somebody else'sreaction.
Abuse specifically by definitionis generally.
(03:17):
To treat a person with crueltyor violence, especially
repeatedly, and to go deeperthan that and attempt to use
highly charged emotions tocontrol the actions of another
by undercutting their sense ofself competence and mental
health.
I think that for most of us,when we hear that we're abuse,
we think about like domesticviolence.
We think about somebodyphysically hitting or pushing
(03:40):
or, you know, attacking someone,or we may think of verbally.
As it relates to name callingand yelling and, you know,
putting somebody down, but abusecan be so many more things.
They just, those two things, youknow, we may think about sexual
assault may think about rape.
But then that can be cast muchwider than that.
(04:04):
And I think that, especiallythose of us who are millennials,
I'm a millennial on the olderend of the spectrum.
We are starting to discuss a lotof things that were previously
considered taboo.
We are going to therapy whereyou're speaking openly about a
lot of the things that we, thatare happening to us.
We are not tolerating toxicsituations in relationships,
(04:27):
whether it be friends, family,romantic partners, jobs, any of
those types of situations.
We are.
Speaking up for ourselves and weare taking care of ourselves and
we are doing all of this radicalself care and healing work.
Along with that comesenlightenment.
(04:51):
We're more likely to recognizesome of these things as abuse
and manipulation.
A lot of people are talkingabout narcissists and
narcissism.
Gaslighting manipulation.
All of these things they'vebecome quite buzzwords here
lately.
I seen narcissist that's wherepop-up all my Instagram timeline
all the time.
There are accounts that talkabout, you know, dealing with
(05:12):
narcissistic abuse.
Well, I don't think thateverybody is a narcissist every
time you're in a toxicrelationship, a situation with
somebody there in narcissist,they could be, but just keep in
mind.
Narcissism is a personalitydisorder and there is like a
formal diagnosis for that.
Does that mean that everybody'sin there?
Maybe not, but as that meansthat they may have narcissistic
(05:33):
personality traits, possibly ofcourse they could.
Same goes for gaslighting.
I don't think every particularsituation that we assign that
Monica to is necessarily gaslighting, but I can tell you one
thing, gas light makes you thinkyou're crazy as hell.
It is ice confusion.
If it's that definition or not,you know, with something made
(05:53):
you.
All uncomfortable.
And sometimes that's really allit takes for you to feel like,
you know what?
This is not right.
I don't appreciate this, nottolerating this, and I'm going
to move on.
It took me some time to gathermy thoughts about this topic.
I knew it was something I wantedto talk about and the past week
or so, it's just beencontinuously popping up on my
(06:16):
radar.
You know, where there is peoplesharing.
Oh, I want to call it a mean,but maybe like those little
infographics about.
Conversations that I'm seeing ontimelines or in groups.
And then finally, literallydreaming and hearing myself
discussing this topic on thepodcast.
I realized it was finally time.
I was nervous about revealingmyself in a certain way about
(06:37):
certain things.
So I'm not gonna go into meetinggritty detail about some of my
experiences, but know thatevery.
Then I talk about on thispodcast, it's something that I
have personally experienced isnot me making stuff up.
So like I said, this is a heavytopic.
It may be triggering for somepeople.
(07:00):
I'm throwing that out there.
Now, if you feel like you needto turn this off and go listen
to something else, feel free todo that, but we're going to talk
about the different types ofabuse, how to recognize.
And then how to overcome andheal and move forward because
that's really the most importantthing, right?
That's why we're here.
(07:20):
We're doing our inner healingwork so that we can move on and
live the life that we want tolive so that we can live our
best life.
Nobody deserves to be in asituation that is abusive.
Nobody deserves to be abused byanybody else.
They may have even told you thatit's not your fault.
You don't deserve.
(07:40):
There's a thing that you did inhis lifetime that could justify
why somebody would do what it isthat they did to you, but is up
to you to take theresponsibility, to heal and move
on from it.
You can't stay at your victim.
(08:00):
So that really is my purpose indiscussing this topic.
And also so that you can take astep back and rec recognize it,
because like I said, Recognizewhat was happening until I was
in therapy talking about anhour.
I was like, holy shit, like,damn, how did I, how did I get
here?
Like eye opening.
(08:22):
So some of this stuff that I'mgoing to talk about, I'm going
to bring up particular things.
Some of these things you may nothave even thought about.
There are a wide variety oftypes of abuse.
We've already talked aboutphysical.
You know that somebodyphysically attacking, hitting,
harming, but also keep in mindthat somebody physically abusing
(08:44):
you can also be preventing youfrom doing something.
Maybe it's withholding certainthings from you.
It could be disrupting you sobad that you can't eat our
sleep.
It could be, maybe you get intoan altercation and they block
you from receiving medical.
For those who know what I do, amI 95, sometimes this comes up
(09:06):
with domestic violencesituations.
Somebody may get into asituation where they've been
harmed by their, their partner,and then they take the person's
cell phone and they can't evencall the police for help.
They take the car keys, theycan't leave the house.
Those types of things can beconsidered.
If they fall into the categoryof physical abuse, preventing
you from eating or sleep.
(09:27):
You know, they come in andthey're constantly waking you
up.
They're picking fights.
They start arguments with you.
They're doing stuff that, thatjust does not allow you to
either rest.
Maybe they may not be harmingyou directly, but maybe they're
harming your children, yourfamily members, your pets, pets
are a big one.
Harming someone's pet is a bigmarker of domestic violence.
Maybe they're driving recklesslywith.
(09:49):
Or they're putting you out thecar on the side of the road
somewhere.
Maybe it's not safe.
Maybe they're trapping you inthe house.
You're not allowed to goanywhere.
Maybe they're blocking you frombeing able to take your
medications or get the medicaltreatment that you need, outside
of, being in a physicalaltercation with them.
It's definitely something tothink.
As far as emotional or verbalabuse, obviously name calling
criticism, talking down tosomebody.
(10:11):
Those things are things that wecan immediately recognize as
being abusive behaviors.
But what about acting jealousand being possessive?
What if they don't trust you andthey're constantly reminding you
of that isolating you from yourfriends or your family or folks
that may help you monitoringyour activities.
They want to know where you'regoing, who you're going with
tracking somebody's phone.
Tracking internet usage,monitoring, phone calls, all of
(10:36):
that stuff.
Expecting an accounting of whereyou've been there.
Every time you come back in thehouse trying to control your
appearance, humiliating you infront of other people.
That's a big one.
Gaslighting falls into thiscategory.
I'm going to be honest with you.
I dealt with gaslightingspecifically and.
Yes.
Lighting is like a bunch ofconfusion.
(11:00):
So like for instance, somebodymay say or do something to you
and then you come back and youbring it up.
And they're like, I don't knowwhat you're talking about.
I didn't say that.
I didn't do that.
And you're like, wait a minute.
Yesterday and it almost makesyou feel like you're crazy, you
know?
And it can go as far as somebodydeliberately.
(11:21):
Doing something with the purposeof confusing you Sometimes they
will trivialize things that area big deal to you.
They may try to, dismiss yourfeelings and brush them under
the rug.
They'll refuse to listen.
They'll confuse you with theirwords is that's what they call
word salad, where it justdoesn't make any sense.
They're talking in circles andargument, you're having an
(11:43):
argument about something andthey're bringing up stuff that
has nothing to do with anythingas a distraction.
It can be very draining.
It can be very draining to thepoint where you just emotionally
cannot deal with it.
And a lot of times with gaslighting, it's all purpose.
Like they're, you know,purposely gassing you up so that
(12:05):
you think that you're crazy.
Again, verbal, emotional abusecan be threatening.
You, your children, your family,your pets, damaging your
belongings.
That was a big one.
Having no regard for yourpersonal items, you know, they
may throw things away.
They may destroy them.
They may punch walls, you know,all kinds of crazy stuff like
(12:26):
that.
I'm blaming you for theirabusive behavior.
So, you know, because they'redoing all of these things to you
somehow, it's your fault.
Remember it's never your faultaccusing you of cheating.
That's a big one, especiallywhen they know that that's not
how.
(12:46):
Or they cheat on you and thenthey blame you for the fact that
they're cheating, cheatingintentionally to hurt your
feelings or, you know,threatening to cheat, you know,
because the other person isbetter.
Putting you down, you know,telling you things that you'll
never do any better.
You'll never find anybodybetter.
Just basically just beratingyou.
(13:07):
All of those things are verbal.
And emotional abuse and itdoesn't necessarily have to be
somebody yelling at you and namecalling.
It can be a wide variety ofthings.
Obviously sexual abuse, most ofus are familiar with what that
means.
You know, what sexual assaultis, what rape is, what
molestation is, but alsounderstanding that just because
you were in a relationship withsomebody and you do have a
(13:28):
sexual relationship, does notmean that you are not in control
of your person and your body.
So if you are being forced to dothings that you don't.
If, you're engaging in activityand you want to stop and they
don't allow you to, if they areusing force, if they are
(13:50):
engaging in activities with youand you're incapacitated or
trying to force you when you'retired, when you're sick, when
you're otherwise incapacitated,where you've said, no, all of
that is abuse.
Same things apply threateningweapons, harming ignore your
feelings.
As it relates to sex.
(14:11):
Consent is a big thing here.
Not getting consent is abusivebehavior.
It's all about power andcontrol.
All of this that we're talkingabout abuse is about power and
control.
Maybe.
They give you a sexuallytransmitted disease, refusing to
wear condoms, not allowing youto take birth control, removing
(14:34):
condoms in the middle of the actcoercion.
Coercion is a big one.
If you've ever been in asituation where somebody back,
back, back, back bags, drew sobad to the point where you give
in, because you want them toleave you the hell alone.
Yeah.
That's abusive behavior.
(14:55):
Pressuring you, it's aparticipate in making you feel
guilty for not doing things,especially where you are in a
situation where maybe you'reill.
You are incapacitated.
Maybe you're tired.
You know, you're not able to dowhat it is that you, they want
you to do.
(15:15):
Obviously what it is that youdon't want to do, all of that is
abusive behavior.
Financial abuse is another one.
You know, maybe they controltheir finances.
They only gave you a certainamount of money.
They give you an allowance.
They block you from havingaccess to your money.
Maybe the money is a posit intoaccount that you don't have
access to.
Maybe you can't log in and seehow much money.
(15:36):
Maybe they're not giving youtheir share of the money in
forcing you to pay foreverything.
Maybe they're not allowing youto work or limiting the hours
you can work or demanding thatyou be home with the kids and
solely rely on them.
Opening the council, your nameand I paying I'm refusing to
contribute to the household,fusing the work.
(15:56):
If you're going to provide moneyfor necessary things like food,
clothing, shelter, all of those.
If there is any malicious intentbehind any of that, those are
abusive behaviors.
Digital abuse, you know, we'reall on social media.
We use technology.
Think about bullying.
Think about, you know, somebodystalking you, I've seen in
(16:17):
situations where you know, thesignificant other, the partner
that's, the abuser has created.
For the other person and they'remonitoring the person's profile
or they're posting as them, allkinds of crazy stuff happens
posting you know, inappropriateor threatening to post
inappropriate photos cyberbullying, all of that kind of
(16:37):
stuff.
Kids hit so into.
Abused, especially when there ismalicious intent behind it.
So I'm listing all of thesethings out, and this is not an
exhaustive list just to openyour eyes, to see that a lot of
these things, while they mayseem like small behaviors, would
they all add up it has theability to snowball into a
(16:59):
really gnarly situation.
Many of these things, you know,if it happened, as a one-off, we
may not even think twice aboutit, but when you add them all
up, it's a look good to it.
It just keep in mind that all ofthese things are done in an
(17:22):
effort to control you, but theother person to have power and
control over.
So that they beat you down, thatthey kill yourself, confidence
that they kill yourself worth sothat they can be in control.
(17:42):
And at the end of the day, noneof this stuff really has
anything to do with you.
It has to do with them and theirissues and their things that
they're not dealing.
But they're not working on that.
They're not healing from, whichhas put them in a position where
they feel like they have to bein control.
Maybe they can't controlanything else they got going on
(18:03):
in their life, but they cancontrol you.
They can walk, walk all over topof you and maybe it didn't start
out like that.
I know in my situation, itstarted out like that for me,
but over time things change Iknow for me, I was, dealing with
some medical issues.
I was in more chronic illness,which I talked about past
episodes, that data, that wasepisode number three, but
(18:23):
because I was so focused all inwhile what was wrong and trying
to get my health in order, a lotof these things I missed.
And when I realized that it wastoo far gone, it was too late.
I just couldn't see the forestfor the trees.
(18:44):
I was just in such a bad placebecause my health was failing
me.
And part of me wonders if all ofthis stuff that was going on,
what's causing my health tofail.
I was my health failing, causingme to be blind to some of the
other things that were going onin my house.
I think it was a little bit ofboth, but I've, I, you know, I
(19:04):
said all of this to say, if alight bulb has gone off for you
or any of those things that Ijust.
Those are abusive behaviors thatwas done in an attempt to exert
control over you.
It's a boost their self-esteem,their self-confidence to make
(19:28):
them feel better.
So now it's like, okay.
I realize the situation that I'min.
Looking too good.
So what do I do from here?
We've talked about all the badstuff.
So now let's talk about where'sit upwards.
(19:50):
What do we do now?
Often times we suffer insilence.
We suffer in confusion.
We may not realize what ishappening.
Like I said, it can be a lot ofsmall things that snowball, you
get to a point where you'relike, you know what?
I can't take this shit.
Like some guy give, I can't livemy life like this.
(20:11):
If you are living in your houseand you're walking on eggshells,
I remember, avoided being in myhouse because I didn't want to
come home and have to deal withthis ticking time bomb.
I didn't want to have to engagein arguments over asinine
things.
I didn't want to have to, be uphalf the night because I
couldn't sleep because somebodywas raised in hell, am I.
(20:34):
Or it was the opposite.
People don't think aboutemotional abuse in this regard.
It can also be neglect.
You may have somebody who,instead of being overly
possessive and overly protectiveand overly jealous, maybe they
just pull back and withdraw isthat they don't pay you any
attention to.
(20:55):
They don't speak to you.
They don't check on you.
They don't see how you're doing.
They don't help you withanything.
It's like, you don't exist.
They Stonewall.
So that was something thathappened in my house, you know,
when speak to me for days, causethey were mad at me over
something that one, I might noteven know what it was too.
I might not have had nothing todo with me.
And three, it wasn't even myfault.
(21:17):
It was something imaginary, theymade up in their head today when
the bee man about, you know, butsomehow that was my fault too.
Right.
So I will be on the receivingend of basically nothing that
can be a form of emotional abusetoo.
Sometimes we suffer in silenceand cause we usually, because we
feel like, you know, okay, Igotta pick my battles.
I don't have the capacity todeal with another argument.
(21:41):
I don't have the capacity todeal with.
So maybe a mad at me today.
I'm tired.
I got other things I got tofocus on.
You may feel like it's not worthit, cause they're not gonna
change.
They're not gonna listen to you.
They're not gonna hear what itis that you have to say.
So you suffer in silence and youmove on to something else.
You focus your attention onother things.
I think the first step tohealing and recovery is one
(22:05):
acknowledging what has happened.
That may be really different.
Especially in the confines ofromantic relationships, because
I think back to a lot of thethings that appear as red flags
to me now, 10, 12, 14 years agodid it.
(22:31):
I was young.
I was naive.
I maybe didn't understand whatwas going on or.
I was too busy listening to whatother people were telling me,
especially as it relates tobeing in a romantic relationship
with somebody being married, youknow, people tell you things
like, oh, well you have to makesure that.
(22:53):
If you want to keep your man,you have to do this and this and
this.
You want to keep your husbandhappy, you know, all this kind
of stuff.
And when you really think aboutit, a lot of that comes from
situations where maybe all fourmothers had to deal with it, put
up with stuff because theydidn't have any, maybe they feel
like they didn't have any otheroptions at the turn.
You know, resources were limitedfor women.
Maybe you stayed in thissituation cause you want to make
sure your kids were taken careof, or you didn't know where he
(23:15):
was going to go with all themkids or, you know, I think women
were just at a disadvantage in alot of situations because of
where we were in society at thattime, and that doesn't apply to
everybody.
Cause some, some women still,you know, branched out and went
on about their way because theyweren't willing to tolerate any
crap everybody's situation isdifferent.
But I think that if we're stillholding on to a lot of those
(23:38):
outdated ideals and that we haveto be reliant on a man, the
stability for security, forsafety.
We want our family to betogether.
For the sake of our children,you don't realize that that now
we have other options.
There's always another option.
(23:58):
We have to let go of thoseoutdated ideas.
You do not have to stay in asituation where your baby is
treated.
There's always a way.
The first step is acknowledgingwhere.
Don't downplay it, see it forwhat it is.
(24:19):
Okay.
So now that you realize what thesituation is, what you would do
about it, do you want to moveon?
Do you want to leave?
Is your safety at risk dependingon the severity of the
situation.
And again, it may not be yourphysical safely.
It could be your mental andemotional.
(24:41):
Get a safety plan in place.
If that means moving, maybe youneed to pack up with your kids
and go somewhere else, get aplan in place.
You probably gonna need somemoney to do it.
You may need a safe place tostay depending on your
situation.
Start putting those things inmotion.
The next thing you want to do isto seek support that may be
(25:02):
therapy.
You probably won't need therapy,you know, depending on the
severity of the situation,sometimes people have PTSD.
Anxiety, they have depressionyourself worth may be
compromised.
Your, your self esteem, yourcompetence, all of those things,
you may feel downtrodden andtrampled on after dealing with
these particular situations,seek support, that may be
(25:27):
therapy that may be focus groupthat may just be trusted, family
and friends.
That may be some sort ofspiritual advisor seek support
and help.
For what it is that you'redealing with.
You may not be able to do thatuntil you can remove yourself
from the situation, butdefinitely seek help.
(25:47):
Even if it's just being able totalk to somebody you trust about
what has happened.
And if you're not write it downin your journal, do whatever it
is that you need to do to getyour feelings out.
This will be ongoing thing, toclear your mind, think about how
(26:12):
this is going to change yourlife.
Moving forward.
If you need to move forward doyou need to change jobs?
Do you need to change locations?
Maybe if you stayed at home andyou didn't work now to me, it's
going back to work.
What does that mean for yoursituation?
If you share the household withsomebody, well, how is that
going to impact your finances?
Does that now mean that you'regoing to be responsible for
(26:34):
other bills?
If you need more money to takecare of that, does that mean
that now you're branching outand you're getting written in an
apartment or something, and nowyou're responsible for those
bills, then next thing you wantto do, and I'll be honest with
you.
These are not necessarily in anyorder.
But setting boundaries.
(26:55):
So if you're going to move onfrom a particular situation,
because you need to, or you feellike you can't tolerate it
anymore, or pieces at risk, yoursafety, physical safety is at
risk.
Your mental health is at risk.
You need to move on setboundaries.
Are you going to communicatewith this person anymore?
Some situations you have to gohome.
(27:17):
And some situations they may notbe that easy.
Maybe you have jointobligations, maybe you have
children.
You have to co-parent set aboundary.
How were you able to communicatewith that person?
Are you going to communicate viatelephone or you can communicate
only via text message.
Is somebody else going to be thego-between between the two of
(27:37):
you all, is somebody going to bethe mediator?
Is there going to be a neutralmeeting place?
If you meet.
To drive your children or makesome sort of exchange set
boundaries around that, becauseremember you're in this
situation because that personhas tried to exert dominance and
(27:58):
control over you.
So don't think that will youseparate from Invesco stop?
They're still gonna try it.
So now it's up to you to setyour boundaries.
You've already determined thatI'm not dealing with it.
I'm taking control of my life.
I'm moving on.
So you said how the boundary orhow you communicate with that
person.
(28:18):
They may not abide by that, butyou have to do what you need to
do to set the boundary and letthem know that you're not
paying.
something else you really shoulddo is shift your mindset about a
(28:39):
lot of things.
It focus on yourself.
Be mindful of negative copingmechanisms.
You may need to do somethingdifferently now.
So if you were in relationshipand you dealt with a lot of
those behaviors in a particularway, Maybe you were drinking,
maybe we using substances.
Maybe you were avoiding.
(28:59):
Maybe you were sleep all thetime.
Maybe you were already eating.
Maybe you were over shopping.
If there was some sort ofaddictive behavior that you were
engaging in to try to cope witheverything that was going on,
you may need to reassess thosethings.
You may need to find healthierways to cope with your feelings
around the situation.
(29:19):
Focus on your self care.
Focus on rebuilding yourself,worth yourself.
Competence.
I think episode number two talksabout self love.
There's a lot of things in thatparticular episode that you can
do, but focus on yourself, everybuilding, because the only place
(29:46):
to go from here.
It's over the upwards, get ridof negative.
Self-talk get rid of all of thethings that they told you that
you were or were not that youcould or could not do that.
(30:08):
Stuff's not true.
They said all of those things.
And did all of those things toyou in an attempt, she break.
So they could be in control fortheir own, whatever their own
sort of purposes, where again,it is never your fault.
(30:30):
We may not have control over thethings that happened to us.
And at this point, this alreadyhappened.
You can't turn back the clockand said that you could do.
All you can do is takeresponsibility for how you're
going to deal with it, howyou're going to heal from it and
(30:53):
how you are going to moveforward.
Don't allow somebody from yourpast to have power over you.
You have the power to changeyour own life.
Don't let them hold you back.
If you were in a situation.
(31:13):
The other person puts you down.
They build little Jew, they werecondescending.
They tore you down physically,verbally, emotionally.
It's time to build yourself up.
A lot of times people do thatkind of stuff because they are
insecure.
(31:34):
They feel inadequate.
So the only way to feed theirego is by tearing down and
attack.
Somebody else.
It has nothing to do with you.
It has to do with them in theirissues, their insecurities,
their feelings of inadequacy.
You just happened to be in closeproximity, or you were, the
(31:56):
target is natural fault.
It was not fair.
You did not deserve it.
There was nothing you did thatjustifies what they did to.
I understand that.
(32:16):
The other thing is this too.
Sometimes with you are a personwho shines so bright, it
irritates other people.
It stirs up something in thembecause they're not happy with
themselves.
They're miserable so that dayhave to now bring you down to
their level so that you can bemiserable.
(32:38):
Never shrink yourself to makesomebody else feel comfortable.
Never you're doing yourself adisservice by doing that.
One thing I have learned throughthis whole experience was just
(33:00):
that I will never, ever, ever bein a situation where I will
down.
Or shrink myself, my attributes,my achievements, my qualities,
because they make somebody elseuncomfortable.
I don't have to apologize forbeing who I am.
I have worked very hard, verylong to be in the situation that
(33:23):
I'm in to be who I am.
Some of it was given by God'sgrace.
And some of it was stuff that Iworked hard.
Never dim your light for anybodyelse.
You'll ask the sun to turn downto you.
Do not dim your light.
(33:44):
That is a major warning sign.
If you're in relationship withsomebody else, whether it is a
romantic partner, it's a friendis a family member, coworker
employee.
I don't care who it is.
If somebody does not allow youto be your whole income.
Self red flag, big red flag flagon the play.
(34:07):
However you want to describe itbecause they do not have your
best interest at heart.
And again, it can be small,subtle things where you don't
even realize it.
They make subtle jabs at you.
They criticize your appearance,you know, sometimes don't even
(34:28):
worry.
In a way that you almost feellike you're questioning
yourself, see, that's where thatgets like in karma, you know,
you're questioning yourselfalmost like it's your idea, you
know, not theirs, they plantedthe seed in your head, but now
you thinking it's your idea.
If somebody does not want you tothrive, to grow, to evolve or be
(34:55):
your whole local pizza.
That's not somebody that youwant to be around or be a
relationship with.
Cause they don't have your bestinterests at heart.
And maybe it's because they hadtheir own trauma and they need
to deal with babies because theyhaven't done their own healing,
but you can't allow somebodyelse not doing their healing to
(35:17):
MP yours.
I know that was a mouthful.
And this is a heavy topic, butlike I said, the topic kept
coming up and I felt the need todiscuss it, without getting too
(35:37):
much of the nitty gritty detailof what I dealt with.
But lastly, remember this don'trush it.
Do not rush your healing.
Healing takes time.
It will take time for you toprocess what has happened to
(36:00):
you.
It will take time for you torebuild and retrain your brain.
It'll take time for you to pickup new habits, to get rid of
negative self talk to change.
Maybe you need to change yourcoping mechanisms and skills to
go to therapy.
You're not going to go to onesession and it has to be all.
(36:20):
You know, it is going to taketime.
Don't rush it.
But the most important part isthe fact that you are here.
You you're doing the work.
You acknowledge what happened.
A you are getting a plan inplace to address it and move on
(36:44):
so you can get on with yourlife.
I'm just going to happen toanybody.
It doesn't have to be this big,gnarly thing where somebody's
beating you up and kicking youdown and sex or calling you out
of your name.
It can be so much more thanthat.
(37:08):
And it can be so many littlethings over time.
And the longer that you were inthat situation, the longer that
you endure those things, itimpacts you, it can impact your
physical health.
That happens to me, can impactyour mental and emotional
health.
It can impact your performanceat school at work.
(37:31):
It can impact your relationshipwith other people and how you
show up with them.
Or if you even show up at.
It can occur over an extendedperiod of time.
So if something happens to youalready extended period of time,
it's likely it may take you anextended period of time to heal
(37:53):
from that.
And that's okay.
But the important thing is thatyou chose yourself and that
means you're on the right.
So, thank you all for listening.
If you enjoyed today's show oryou found some information and
(38:18):
baby that was helpful, pleasefeel free to leave me some
feedback, share with a friendCheryl, on social media that you
listened to the podcast.
However it is that you chooseto.
But thank you, but let's meet.
(38:39):
And before I go as always, I'mgoing to leave you all with an
affirmation.
I affirm, I overcome all of theobstacles life throws at me.
(39:00):
Thanks for listening.
Bye bye.
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