March 1, 2023 • 17 mins
Subscribe if you love the DPM show! https://anchor.fm/drpsychmomshow/subscribe and you'll get all my awesome bonus episodes; the most recent one is about why your partner isn't going to try to make you happy if you never actually act happy!
For my secret Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/becomesupporter/DrPsychMom/
For coaching from DPM, visit https://www.drpsychmom.com/coaching/
For therapy or life coaching, contact us at www.bestlifebehavioralhealth.com. If you need help with intimacy, my sexologist that can work in all states and internationally: https://www.bestlifebehavioralhealth.com/heather-ray-certified-sexologist !!
Follow me on TikTok! https://www.tiktok.com/@therealdrpsychmom and YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCqLm4xRaUeroBodFc-h4XDQ
If your husband can't do anything for himself and you think this is cute and makes you feel needed, let this be your warning: you are very unlikely to continue to think it's cute and to want to feel needed in later life. Marry a man that can take care of himself in a way that you respect, and if this sounds difficult, it's time to think about the role models you saw growing up and your self-esteem issues.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why not to
marry. A man who doesn't do housework
and how you need to kind of talkabout this at home.
If you're a parent, if you don'twant your children to end up in
dysfunctional relationships later on, and of course, there
are caveats because some women will say, I don't care if my
(00:27):
husband does housework and we will talk about that as well,
right? After I tell you to subscribe,
my most recent subscribers, Cyber episode was, when you want
your wife to change how she dresses, and the one coming up
is going to be. Why would your partner try to
make you happy? If you never act happy that will
be the one that comes out next. All right.
So anyway, there's also of course, a hundred more.
(00:48):
So, what do I mean by housework?So obviously you're going to
meet your husband. He's not a full, you know, he's
in his 20s when you meet somebody or maybe you meet him
in his 40s after a divorce or sometime in between or whatever.
He's just going to have an apartment right.
Was probably not going to have asingle family house with all the
he certainly is not going to allthe time.
(01:10):
Have his own children yet. You kind of don't know what he's
going to do in the case that he has a family, right?
But there's ways to tell if a human being could take care of
themselves, right? And a lot of women act like, how
could I have known that he wasn't going to help out when
the guy lived like, you know, like in filth and he never ate
(01:32):
at home. He never had anything in the
fridge. He's never really cleaned.
He never changed his sheet. He never, you know, thought
about never, he didn't even havea house.
Plant, never had a pet, you know, there's a lot of people
who cannot keep themselves afloat, really in any meaningful
(01:53):
sense. They look at the home as like
this landing pad in between workand going out and hobbies that
isn't all men though. Like if you are a woman
listening to this and you're like, oh yeah, that's just all
meant. At all, met, plenty of men know
how to, you know, sweep up a mess on the floor and many men
do have a pet or something that they have to take care of many
(02:14):
men change their sheets. They do their laundry.
They do stop and guys, even do this in college.
So like there's guys that do laundry and college more
frequently than others, you know, there's guys who they
have, like, trash piling up in their dorm room, and there's
guys who don't. So if you marry a guy who has no
indication that that he can do anything like this, you are
(02:38):
going to do it. And at first you may think that
that's very cute and that you can take care of him.
And that's the part that women don't really like to remember
because it makes them feel stupid and it's best to admit
it. You know, we all make mistakes
when we're stupid and young and also when your sex hormones are
raging because you're like, veryyoung and you're very into the
(02:59):
idea. I talked about this in my
feminine, energy podcast, a lot of women like these ideas, these
five These people on Tick, Tock that talk about like being a
soft girl and being feminine andyour feminine energy.
That seems really good when you're 25 years old, right?
So you have this idea in your head, like oh, he's a slob but
he's like a really good guy and I'm gonna like make cookies and
(03:21):
I'm going to clean the house andI'm gonna, you know, decorate
the nursery and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.
You, if you want to do that, keep in mind.
You're always going to be doing that.
So you you may not always want to do it and you're not going to
want to do it. As much after children, and it
may. It's like, it's like any other
sort of idealistic fantasy. It doesn't really hold water.
(03:43):
When push comes to shove, most women want somebody who can
sweep up a mess or who can make a phone call to a doctor's
office, or who can put somethingon a calendar.
So if you were always, and this is also in the realm of organ,
organizational skill, so not just that their organizational
(04:04):
brain only. He comes on when they sit down
at work because you made out that that's real and a lot of
women do. They're like, how could he be so
good at work? And he's not so good at home.
First of all, that is like classic ADHD.
They can only hyper focus on something when there's a
deadline and when there's adrenaline, so if they do,
they're going to get fired, theycould do a lot different stuff
than if they just know that theymay get ants at some point in
(04:27):
the future if they leave food onthe table.
So people with ADHD particularlyand you should read the book,
The ADHD effect on me, Marriage.If your husband is this person
who has no organizational capacity then, you know, you may
want to look into whether he hasADHD that's kind of common, but
he can do it at work but also he's doing it less.
(04:48):
Well, at work than you realize because all of these men when I
talk to them, the wife is like why can he get so much shit done
at work but he can't get anything done at home the man's.
Like, I don't I don't get so much shit done at work.
I'm actually far behind. I'm actually always missing
shit. You know, I'm the guy that
everybody knows it's even money that he won't show up.
For meet it and the wives are usually taken aback because they
don't realize that he's fucking up at work to for the same exact
(05:11):
reasons and his dorm room correlates with his room.
When he was growing up as a boy,correlates with what he's going
to do at work and correlates with what he's going to do at
home. So if you are idealizing, this
kind of man, then you need to realize that they're going to be
the same person forever there. You cannot marry somebody and
think that they are just going to change.
When push comes to shove. The adrenaline rush of having a
(05:34):
newborn baby is not. Not the same as having your boss
walk over to you and say you're about to lose your job because
you have the baby 24/7, you don't have your boss coming
striding over towards your across the room, 24/7.
It isn't the same adrenaline rush so they're not going to
feel the urgency in the way thatyou feel the urgency.
It used to be when social and gender roles were different.
(05:54):
That women would kind of understand that their role was
to do all the organizational stuff in the house.
That is no longer the case if you want that to be your role,
Has to be an individual decisionversus a gender decision.
So, if you want that to be, thenthat has to be something that's
discussed. That you are like, I understand
(06:15):
that this man, I'm looking around his room, his apartment,
whatever. It's filthy, it's disgusting, he
will not change. He can't even if he tells me, he
will change means nothing because he's in the new Love
phase and he would like to thinkhe can change but it means as
little as the fact that I like to give head now and I may not
after I get married and You know, same thing the decremented
(06:37):
female libido parallels, the decrement and male feeling in
love and like I would do anything for them.
It's like the same thing, it's the same hormonal, you know,
drunken new love feeling. So if you really want here,
here's a better way. Here's a better way to think
about it. If your father as a woman if
your father was good at organization and took over half
the shit so that your mother didn't have to do everything.
(07:01):
That's probably what you're expecting marriage to look like,
do not marry the man who leaves Dip potato chip bags under his
bed in his dorm or whatever. The case may be, you are net.
It's never going to get better. And if you are so in love with
this man, then also, make sure that, you know, you will be
cleaning out the potato chip bags, forever, or, or you can
(07:22):
have an idea in your mind, that one or both of.
You have to make enough money toOutsource all of the housework
and a lot of the organization and that's okay.
There are some women who are so in love with the guy and the
fact that he doesn't do Housework is whatever because a
either they love to do it and orthey can Outsource it but you
have to be thinking clearly the idea of meeting somebody who's a
(07:45):
slob and the thinking they're going to change is as ludicrous
as I consistently tell men, it is to think that a low libido
woman when you're dating is going to morph into a high
libido woman after marriage. She's going to get worse, not
better, and it's the same with the guy who is sloppy and to
can't do housework and can organize he's going to get
worse, not better. So, if you are Hey, with that
(08:06):
then get married. If you're not, then you have to
think about somebody else, what you can to do.
I mean, you probably will no matter what I say, but at least
they'll be a little voice in your head that possibly could
deter. You what it is unfair to do to
yourself and to this person is to say, but you'll change when
we're married, right? Implicitly or explicitly,
because he can't. He's shown who he is.
He's shown who he is. He's the guy who doesn't change
(08:28):
his sheets. He doesn't change his sheets
since he started dating you. You were dating him for eight
months. A he is not going to turn into
the guy who knows. Is how to clean the kitchen to
your specification? You need to love him for other
things, and take over all of thehousework if you want or
Outsource it all. But he can't do it.
So it's the same thing with the low libido woman.
If you want to marry a woman they were you're going to have a
(08:50):
lot of sex and you're not havinga lot of sex.
When you're dating. How the hell is she going to
turn into a porn star after you get married as the honeymoon
stage Fades? If you marry this woman, you
have to tell yourself that. It doesn't matter.
You're never going to cheat on her.
You're not going to want to Thatmuch sex, you're not going to
force her, you're not going to be up her ass to change and
you're just going to say I accept that to be with this
(09:12):
beautiful remarkable person. We're not going to have that
much sex. Let me tell you you're not going
to like that long term. The same as the woman, probably
isn't going to like the guy who can't ever clean the kitchen.
So, these are the things that you really have to look out for.
And if that man giving the parent parallel, if that man,
that says, oh, he would be okay with the woman who will barely
(09:32):
touch him, but she's so beautiful and smart.
His mother was a very warm physically affectionate person.
That is his expectation for marriage implicitly.
So although he doesn't want to marry his mother, he learned
that that was what marriage looks like and he's not going to
like it the way he thinks he will.
He's not going to be okay with having less sex than he wants to
have. Because he's not always going to
(09:53):
think of her as so Splendid. Because he/she may be beautiful
and smart and whatever. But he's also wearing the
honeymoon stage goggles of this rose-colored glasses thinking
that she's better than she is. So the point is that you cannot
marry somebody expecting them tochange.
And I talked about this that in my podcast that said, women
fantasize that men will change after marriage.
(10:14):
But men also fantasize women will change, it's just in a
different way. Men think that after we get
engaged after we get married, whatever it is then she'll feel
secure and safe and all of thesethings.
And then that's when our sex life is really going to ramp up,
it's silly, it's ludicrous, and it leads to a lot of drama and
heartache dead. Could be obviated if there was
(10:37):
more of an understanding that people are who they are years
ago. It used to be thought that a man
would not do anything around thehouse.
So, so, thus, the expectation was very minimal.
So you could marry a man that could afford housework help for
you or not, you know, and then you would do it but it wasn't
thought to be any different. Now, there was no other option
(10:59):
necessarily and so with that, there was a lot less Push Pull
of thinking that somebody could really change the idea that
people could change their entirecore personality is really
relatively recent you know? And we have a very psychology
and therapy obsessed culture right now and it's almost
anathema to say that a person has a personality and the
(11:22):
personality doesn't really change because the idea is that
everybody can change anything. Everybody can't change
everything. You know, I was talking to my
daughter, she's 13 now, and she was saying, well, you could do
everything. If you put your mind to it and I
said, I cannot you. She was saying to me in
particular because I forget whatI said I could do or not do or
something and she said, no you could you could you could do
(11:44):
anything that you put your mind to I certainly can.
And so my son from the back saysfor example she can't be good at
basketball so I said, there you go, thank you.
And yes, it's true. We can't all be good at whatever
we want. There's many things, I could be
good at buffer example. I can't be good at basketball.
I could be better but there's noworld in which I am getting onto
(12:05):
the WNBA, there's just not happening.
So you know, there's this idea and it hurts people more than it
helps them because it's swung the pendulum swung too far.
So of course, to think that there's absolutely nothing you
could change in your station andto go to some kind of caste
system is not what I'm advising.Of course, people can change and
grow but Des to have I ever seensomebody changed from somebody
(12:27):
who is always a messy. Sloppy person who never gave a
shit about cleaning into somebody who is mr.
Clean in my Marriage. No, I never seen that.
And similarly, I have never seena woman who started out as a
little girl who thought everything was gross.
Who never particularly liked cuddles or kisses and never
really had much of a, you know, romantic touching, didn't focus
(12:51):
on physical touch ever in her relationships to turn into a
woman who is like a lot of sex. No, I never seen it.
Never probably never will. Because it's crazy because it's
not real. I have guinea pigs.
They're not going to turn into dogs like it's just It happened.
So if you think that you are going to marry a man, that is
crap at housework and he's goingto change into somebody.
(13:13):
Who's good at housework. I have a bridge to sell you
because it's not going to happenand it's not a fair expectation
on him and it's not a fair expectation on you.
So you, if you are now being like, well shit, can't put the
toothpaste back in the tube. I already married him and he
won't clean the kitchen. Yeah, you know, I mean, we,
there's a lot of problems in this world and we got to think
outside the box. So you could either keep banging
(13:35):
your head against the wall, keeptelling him to clean the
kitchen. And the way that he has, never
cleaned the kitchen in his wholelife or maybe you could think
outside the box a little bit, maybe you could hire somebody to
clean the kitchen in the way that you want.
Maybe you wouldn't be so upset about him, not cleaning kitchen.
If he did other things like validated and appreciated how
wonderful of a home that you keep and manage whether or not
(13:55):
to hire somebody, maybe if he was more romantic and I have a
post called, what would your housework standards be if you
felt more loved, maybe if he were And different in some
domains where he does have some more flexibility such as grew
more empathic, which is something that people could
learn to do, you know, assuming they're not sociopaths which are
very small subset of the population.
(14:17):
If you grew more empathic and more understood, how difficult
it was to live with him, then maybe his half-assed job of
doing the kitchen, which he's apologetic about would be okay?
Because at least he's not pretending that, it's a good job
and you should be happy for it and it's the exact same thing
with the men with the low libidowives, if you don't want to
divorce your wife, I mean, you know, you don't have there's not
(14:38):
a lot of what's the word, you? You can't change her into
somebody else. You can try.
I mean, God knows, I give you all the possible tools to try
that. Maybe she just doesn't know what
she likes. Maybe she had sexual trauma.
Maybe you're just shouldn't bed and we can do all the focus on.
You learning to be a better lover, but if you're trying to
change her from a woman who shies away from your kids, when
(15:02):
their hands are too sweaty to a woman Is begging to go down on
you, I have a bridge to sell youbecause it ain't going to
happen. And so we need to balance
between acceptance and change inany healthy marriage.
In fact, that is why, you know, DBT I run a DBT group, not me,
but therapist. In my practice, you've heard of
(15:22):
DBT. Potentially for borderline
personality, for depression. What have you since for
dialectical behavior therapy? It was pioneered by Marsha
Linehan, who herself as a young woman.
She came out with this a few years ago.
Now, a lot of years ago, struggled with borderline
personality and borderline personality disorder used to be
thought of as something that couldn't be treated.
And then she Pioneers DBT and itengages.
(15:43):
All of these techniques that candraw from Buddhism and its
acceptance base. But then it also is
behavioral-based and CBT and ZenBuddhism and whatever else.
Right? I read about this years ago and
was trained in it to some degreein my program.
Either way. The, what is dialectical mean is
the point of that little background is the dialectic
(16:04):
between a Acceptance and change acceptance and change that you
cannot change. Ironically, and paradoxically
until you accept where you're at, you know, and you can't
accept where you're at, until you also commit to trying to
change it to the best person that you can be.
And to understand that that's possible.
There has to be a balance between acceptance and change.
(16:25):
So while your husband may get better at cleaning the kitchen,
he's never going to be perfect. And while you may get better at
acting enthusiastic in bed or even being enthusiastic in bed
is still never going to hit the money shot for him.
Potentially for what he's all, you know, hopes and dreams are
if they equate to analogously with your hopes and dreams are
for how he cleans the kitchen. But this isn't a side for my
(16:45):
many married readers. But if you are in the situation
where you are, dating a man, andyou go over and his house is a
hovel and you do not want to endup being Cinderella, that's
taken care of everything. And you do not potentially have
the money or the interest in Outsourcing, the Cinderella
tasks fucking. Don't be with him, don't be with
him because it's kind of Got it should be and you could get to
(17:07):
where it's a turn-off. It's something that you could
picture being a turn off the same.
As if he liked kicked his dog. You'd be like, what a
psychopath? Who would kick a dog?
Well, you could think the same of somebody who has a nasty
dishes in the sink in his house or who, obviously, net doesn't
own a vacuum or whatever else. Okay.
So, this is your PSA to not be one of the women that five years
(17:29):
in says, I'll guess why he doesn't help with cleaning.
And now I'm trying to think about Out if he ever indicated
that he would. And now I feel bad about myself
for being stupid. So don't be that person.
And also the corollary, of course the analogy.
If you're the man listening is the same with the sex drive but
I have enough podcasts on that one.
This one is more about the housework and hope you found
(17:52):
this of interest and I'll talk to you soon.
Have a great day.
Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why not to
marry. A man who doesn't do housework
and how you need to kind of talkabout this at home.
If you're a parent, if you don'twant your children to end up in
dysfunctional relationships later on, and of course, there
are caveats because some women will say, I don't care if my
(00:27):
husband does housework and we will talk about that as well,
right? After I tell you to subscribe,
my most recent subscribers, Cyber episode was, when you want
your wife to change how she dresses, and the one coming up
is going to be. Why would your partner try to
make you happy? If you never act happy that will
be the one that comes out next. All right.
So anyway, there's also of course, a hundred more.
(00:48):
So, what do I mean by housework?So obviously you're going to
meet your husband. He's not a full, you know, he's
in his 20s when you meet somebody or maybe you meet him
in his 40s after a divorce or sometime in between or whatever.
He's just going to have an apartment right.
Was probably not going to have asingle family house with all the
he certainly is not going to allthe time.
(01:10):
Have his own children yet. You kind of don't know what he's
going to do in the case that he has a family, right?
But there's ways to tell if a human being could take care of
themselves, right? And a lot of women act like, how
could I have known that he wasn't going to help out when
the guy lived like, you know, like in filth and he never ate
(01:32):
at home. He never had anything in the
fridge. He's never really cleaned.
He never changed his sheet. He never, you know, thought
about never, he didn't even havea house.
Plant, never had a pet, you know, there's a lot of people
who cannot keep themselves afloat, really in any meaningful
(01:53):
sense. They look at the home as like
this landing pad in between workand going out and hobbies that
isn't all men though. Like if you are a woman
listening to this and you're like, oh yeah, that's just all
meant. At all, met, plenty of men know
how to, you know, sweep up a mess on the floor and many men
do have a pet or something that they have to take care of many
(02:14):
men change their sheets. They do their laundry.
They do stop and guys, even do this in college.
So like there's guys that do laundry and college more
frequently than others, you know, there's guys who they
have, like, trash piling up in their dorm room, and there's
guys who don't. So if you marry a guy who has no
indication that that he can do anything like this, you are
(02:38):
going to do it. And at first you may think that
that's very cute and that you can take care of him.
And that's the part that women don't really like to remember
because it makes them feel stupid and it's best to admit
it. You know, we all make mistakes
when we're stupid and young and also when your sex hormones are
raging because you're like, veryyoung and you're very into the
(02:59):
idea. I talked about this in my
feminine, energy podcast, a lot of women like these ideas, these
five These people on Tick, Tock that talk about like being a
soft girl and being feminine andyour feminine energy.
That seems really good when you're 25 years old, right?
So you have this idea in your head, like oh, he's a slob but
he's like a really good guy and I'm gonna like make cookies and
(03:21):
I'm going to clean the house andI'm gonna, you know, decorate
the nursery and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that.
You, if you want to do that, keep in mind.
You're always going to be doing that.
So you you may not always want to do it and you're not going to
want to do it. As much after children, and it
may. It's like, it's like any other
sort of idealistic fantasy. It doesn't really hold water.
(03:43):
When push comes to shove, most women want somebody who can
sweep up a mess or who can make a phone call to a doctor's
office, or who can put somethingon a calendar.
So if you were always, and this is also in the realm of organ,
organizational skill, so not just that their organizational
(04:04):
brain only. He comes on when they sit down
at work because you made out that that's real and a lot of
women do. They're like, how could he be so
good at work? And he's not so good at home.
First of all, that is like classic ADHD.
They can only hyper focus on something when there's a
deadline and when there's adrenaline, so if they do,
they're going to get fired, theycould do a lot different stuff
than if they just know that theymay get ants at some point in
(04:27):
the future if they leave food onthe table.
So people with ADHD particularlyand you should read the book,
The ADHD effect on me, Marriage.If your husband is this person
who has no organizational capacity then, you know, you may
want to look into whether he hasADHD that's kind of common, but
he can do it at work but also he's doing it less.
(04:48):
Well, at work than you realize because all of these men when I
talk to them, the wife is like why can he get so much shit done
at work but he can't get anything done at home the man's.
Like, I don't I don't get so much shit done at work.
I'm actually far behind. I'm actually always missing
shit. You know, I'm the guy that
everybody knows it's even money that he won't show up.
For meet it and the wives are usually taken aback because they
don't realize that he's fucking up at work to for the same exact
(05:11):
reasons and his dorm room correlates with his room.
When he was growing up as a boy,correlates with what he's going
to do at work and correlates with what he's going to do at
home. So if you are idealizing, this
kind of man, then you need to realize that they're going to be
the same person forever there. You cannot marry somebody and
think that they are just going to change.
When push comes to shove. The adrenaline rush of having a
(05:34):
newborn baby is not. Not the same as having your boss
walk over to you and say you're about to lose your job because
you have the baby 24/7, you don't have your boss coming
striding over towards your across the room, 24/7.
It isn't the same adrenaline rush so they're not going to
feel the urgency in the way thatyou feel the urgency.
It used to be when social and gender roles were different.
(05:54):
That women would kind of understand that their role was
to do all the organizational stuff in the house.
That is no longer the case if you want that to be your role,
Has to be an individual decisionversus a gender decision.
So, if you want that to be, thenthat has to be something that's
discussed. That you are like, I understand
(06:15):
that this man, I'm looking around his room, his apartment,
whatever. It's filthy, it's disgusting, he
will not change. He can't even if he tells me, he
will change means nothing because he's in the new Love
phase and he would like to thinkhe can change but it means as
little as the fact that I like to give head now and I may not
after I get married and You know, same thing the decremented
(06:37):
female libido parallels, the decrement and male feeling in
love and like I would do anything for them.
It's like the same thing, it's the same hormonal, you know,
drunken new love feeling. So if you really want here,
here's a better way. Here's a better way to think
about it. If your father as a woman if
your father was good at organization and took over half
the shit so that your mother didn't have to do everything.
(07:01):
That's probably what you're expecting marriage to look like,
do not marry the man who leaves Dip potato chip bags under his
bed in his dorm or whatever. The case may be, you are net.
It's never going to get better. And if you are so in love with
this man, then also, make sure that, you know, you will be
cleaning out the potato chip bags, forever, or, or you can
(07:22):
have an idea in your mind, that one or both of.
You have to make enough money toOutsource all of the housework
and a lot of the organization and that's okay.
There are some women who are so in love with the guy and the
fact that he doesn't do Housework is whatever because a
either they love to do it and orthey can Outsource it but you
have to be thinking clearly the idea of meeting somebody who's a
(07:45):
slob and the thinking they're going to change is as ludicrous
as I consistently tell men, it is to think that a low libido
woman when you're dating is going to morph into a high
libido woman after marriage. She's going to get worse, not
better, and it's the same with the guy who is sloppy and to
can't do housework and can organize he's going to get
worse, not better. So, if you are Hey, with that
(08:06):
then get married. If you're not, then you have to
think about somebody else, what you can to do.
I mean, you probably will no matter what I say, but at least
they'll be a little voice in your head that possibly could
deter. You what it is unfair to do to
yourself and to this person is to say, but you'll change when
we're married, right? Implicitly or explicitly,
because he can't. He's shown who he is.
He's shown who he is. He's the guy who doesn't change
(08:28):
his sheets. He doesn't change his sheets
since he started dating you. You were dating him for eight
months. A he is not going to turn into
the guy who knows. Is how to clean the kitchen to
your specification? You need to love him for other
things, and take over all of thehousework if you want or
Outsource it all. But he can't do it.
So it's the same thing with the low libido woman.
If you want to marry a woman they were you're going to have a
(08:50):
lot of sex and you're not havinga lot of sex.
When you're dating. How the hell is she going to
turn into a porn star after you get married as the honeymoon
stage Fades? If you marry this woman, you
have to tell yourself that. It doesn't matter.
You're never going to cheat on her.
You're not going to want to Thatmuch sex, you're not going to
force her, you're not going to be up her ass to change and
you're just going to say I accept that to be with this
(09:12):
beautiful remarkable person. We're not going to have that
much sex. Let me tell you you're not going
to like that long term. The same as the woman, probably
isn't going to like the guy who can't ever clean the kitchen.
So, these are the things that you really have to look out for.
And if that man giving the parent parallel, if that man,
that says, oh, he would be okay with the woman who will barely
(09:32):
touch him, but she's so beautiful and smart.
His mother was a very warm physically affectionate person.
That is his expectation for marriage implicitly.
So although he doesn't want to marry his mother, he learned
that that was what marriage looks like and he's not going to
like it the way he thinks he will.
He's not going to be okay with having less sex than he wants to
have. Because he's not always going to
(09:53):
think of her as so Splendid. Because he/she may be beautiful
and smart and whatever. But he's also wearing the
honeymoon stage goggles of this rose-colored glasses thinking
that she's better than she is. So the point is that you cannot
marry somebody expecting them tochange.
And I talked about this that in my podcast that said, women
fantasize that men will change after marriage.
(10:14):
But men also fantasize women will change, it's just in a
different way. Men think that after we get
engaged after we get married, whatever it is then she'll feel
secure and safe and all of thesethings.
And then that's when our sex life is really going to ramp up,
it's silly, it's ludicrous, and it leads to a lot of drama and
heartache dead. Could be obviated if there was
(10:37):
more of an understanding that people are who they are years
ago. It used to be thought that a man
would not do anything around thehouse.
So, so, thus, the expectation was very minimal.
So you could marry a man that could afford housework help for
you or not, you know, and then you would do it but it wasn't
thought to be any different. Now, there was no other option
(10:59):
necessarily and so with that, there was a lot less Push Pull
of thinking that somebody could really change the idea that
people could change their entirecore personality is really
relatively recent you know? And we have a very psychology
and therapy obsessed culture right now and it's almost
anathema to say that a person has a personality and the
(11:22):
personality doesn't really change because the idea is that
everybody can change anything. Everybody can't change
everything. You know, I was talking to my
daughter, she's 13 now, and she was saying, well, you could do
everything. If you put your mind to it and I
said, I cannot you. She was saying to me in
particular because I forget whatI said I could do or not do or
something and she said, no you could you could you could do
(11:44):
anything that you put your mind to I certainly can.
And so my son from the back saysfor example she can't be good at
basketball so I said, there you go, thank you.
And yes, it's true. We can't all be good at whatever
we want. There's many things, I could be
good at buffer example. I can't be good at basketball.
I could be better but there's noworld in which I am getting onto
(12:05):
the WNBA, there's just not happening.
So you know, there's this idea and it hurts people more than it
helps them because it's swung the pendulum swung too far.
So of course, to think that there's absolutely nothing you
could change in your station andto go to some kind of caste
system is not what I'm advising.Of course, people can change and
grow but Des to have I ever seensomebody changed from somebody
(12:27):
who is always a messy. Sloppy person who never gave a
shit about cleaning into somebody who is mr.
Clean in my Marriage. No, I never seen that.
And similarly, I have never seena woman who started out as a
little girl who thought everything was gross.
Who never particularly liked cuddles or kisses and never
really had much of a, you know, romantic touching, didn't focus
(12:51):
on physical touch ever in her relationships to turn into a
woman who is like a lot of sex. No, I never seen it.
Never probably never will. Because it's crazy because it's
not real. I have guinea pigs.
They're not going to turn into dogs like it's just It happened.
So if you think that you are going to marry a man, that is
crap at housework and he's goingto change into somebody.
(13:13):
Who's good at housework. I have a bridge to sell you
because it's not going to happenand it's not a fair expectation
on him and it's not a fair expectation on you.
So you, if you are now being like, well shit, can't put the
toothpaste back in the tube. I already married him and he
won't clean the kitchen. Yeah, you know, I mean, we,
there's a lot of problems in this world and we got to think
outside the box. So you could either keep banging
(13:35):
your head against the wall, keeptelling him to clean the
kitchen. And the way that he has, never
cleaned the kitchen in his wholelife or maybe you could think
outside the box a little bit, maybe you could hire somebody to
clean the kitchen in the way that you want.
Maybe you wouldn't be so upset about him, not cleaning kitchen.
If he did other things like validated and appreciated how
wonderful of a home that you keep and manage whether or not
(13:55):
to hire somebody, maybe if he was more romantic and I have a
post called, what would your housework standards be if you
felt more loved, maybe if he were And different in some
domains where he does have some more flexibility such as grew
more empathic, which is something that people could
learn to do, you know, assuming they're not sociopaths which are
very small subset of the population.
(14:17):
If you grew more empathic and more understood, how difficult
it was to live with him, then maybe his half-assed job of
doing the kitchen, which he's apologetic about would be okay?
Because at least he's not pretending that, it's a good job
and you should be happy for it and it's the exact same thing
with the men with the low libidowives, if you don't want to
divorce your wife, I mean, you know, you don't have there's not
(14:38):
a lot of what's the word, you? You can't change her into
somebody else. You can try.
I mean, God knows, I give you all the possible tools to try
that. Maybe she just doesn't know what
she likes. Maybe she had sexual trauma.
Maybe you're just shouldn't bed and we can do all the focus on.
You learning to be a better lover, but if you're trying to
change her from a woman who shies away from your kids, when
(15:02):
their hands are too sweaty to a woman Is begging to go down on
you, I have a bridge to sell youbecause it ain't going to
happen. And so we need to balance
between acceptance and change inany healthy marriage.
In fact, that is why, you know, DBT I run a DBT group, not me,
but therapist. In my practice, you've heard of
(15:22):
DBT. Potentially for borderline
personality, for depression. What have you since for
dialectical behavior therapy? It was pioneered by Marsha
Linehan, who herself as a young woman.
She came out with this a few years ago.
Now, a lot of years ago, struggled with borderline
personality and borderline personality disorder used to be
thought of as something that couldn't be treated.
And then she Pioneers DBT and itengages.
(15:43):
All of these techniques that candraw from Buddhism and its
acceptance base. But then it also is
behavioral-based and CBT and ZenBuddhism and whatever else.
Right? I read about this years ago and
was trained in it to some degreein my program.
Either way. The, what is dialectical mean is
the point of that little background is the dialectic
(16:04):
between a Acceptance and change acceptance and change that you
cannot change. Ironically, and paradoxically
until you accept where you're at, you know, and you can't
accept where you're at, until you also commit to trying to
change it to the best person that you can be.
And to understand that that's possible.
There has to be a balance between acceptance and change.
(16:25):
So while your husband may get better at cleaning the kitchen,
he's never going to be perfect. And while you may get better at
acting enthusiastic in bed or even being enthusiastic in bed
is still never going to hit the money shot for him.
Potentially for what he's all, you know, hopes and dreams are
if they equate to analogously with your hopes and dreams are
for how he cleans the kitchen. But this isn't a side for my
(16:45):
many married readers. But if you are in the situation
where you are, dating a man, andyou go over and his house is a
hovel and you do not want to endup being Cinderella, that's
taken care of everything. And you do not potentially have
the money or the interest in Outsourcing, the Cinderella
tasks fucking. Don't be with him, don't be with
him because it's kind of Got it should be and you could get to
(17:07):
where it's a turn-off. It's something that you could
picture being a turn off the same.
As if he liked kicked his dog. You'd be like, what a
psychopath? Who would kick a dog?
Well, you could think the same of somebody who has a nasty
dishes in the sink in his house or who, obviously, net doesn't
own a vacuum or whatever else. Okay.
So, this is your PSA to not be one of the women that five years
(17:29):
in says, I'll guess why he doesn't help with cleaning.
And now I'm trying to think about Out if he ever indicated
that he would. And now I feel bad about myself
for being stupid. So don't be that person.
And also the corollary, of course the analogy.
If you're the man listening is the same with the sex drive but
I have enough podcasts on that one.
This one is more about the housework and hope you found
(17:52):
this of interest and I'll talk to you soon.
Have a great day.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.