August 27, 2022 • 18 mins
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I frequently see a couple that is the gender inverse of The Wife Who Wants More And Her Annoyingly Satisfied Husband (https://open.spotify.com/episode/3xoOuPI2c13qdTOcFVvME8?si=njsYMxPtRrqiqSbkOGB8bw)... except the guy wants more IN BED. I discuss the three types of people who want "more" from their marriages, whether this is emotionally or sexually, and how to figure out if the problem here is you or your relationship!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:05):
Hi everybody, and welcome to thedr.
Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about the
annoyingly satisfied wife, and the husband who wants more,
which is the inverse of the annoyingly.
Satisfied husband, and the wife who wants more, which is one of
the couples in counseling that I've written about and talked
about and which resonates the most, with my clients.
(00:28):
So there's an inverse of that and if you didn't guess with
men, it has to do with sex. So we'll talk about that.
This is another A common a couple that I see now.
So versus I guess, when I was younger, I was seeing more of
the annoyingly, satisfied, husband people.
I think something changed in thedrinking water.
(00:49):
You know, that that men think now versus ten years ago there,
you know 10 years older on average, the people who will
come to see me and so the men are ten years more dissatisfied
with their sex lives. So they'll come now versus 10
years ago. So, before we get to that,
please do subscribe. I have one coming out or whose,
(01:09):
which has already come out on binge eating and binge drinking
as escape tools. So if those are anything that
you engage in or that you know, anybody who engages in and
listen And subscribe. So getting to the topic at hand.
So obviously you can go back andlisten to the annoyingly.
Satisfied husband and the wife who wants more, but this is the
couple, which is very common in counseling where the woman wants
(01:32):
more out of the marriage. She wants more.
It's just more correct, more connection.
She wants them to evolve together and grow as people
she's probably in her own therapy.
She wants him to be in his own therapy.
She no longer thinks it's okay that he just goes out earns
money and comes home. She's probably earning money by
now too. And she wants to have a greater
and deeper connection. That is a relationship that's
(01:54):
more in line with how she feels Now versus two people just, you
know, kind of co-parenting real small kids together and trying
to survive. Now that the Kids are older.
She wants something that feels more like an intimate
Partnership of equals that are growing and evolving together
intellectually and emotionally and frequently sexually, but
(02:17):
that is usually not the number one.
The number one complaint in thisregard.
It's more about emotional and intellectual compatibility that
the woman no longer feels is there.
As they've gotten older. They've grown, she feels she's
grown in One Direction. He may have just stagnated at
another and she's bored. Get out now a direct corollary
to this are the many men that I see.
(02:41):
Really not corollary. You know, you talk too much,
start using the wrong words. A, a Counterpoint to this is the
men that are in the same situation except it's like that
game or everything you say, you put in bed afterwards.
So the men want a companion thatdevelops and grows with them in
bed. Then wants to evolve in bed that
(03:02):
is curious about the world in bed.
And now Watson new identity in bed.
It's true though. So these men come in, and they
are real tired with the status quo, they're tired of the status
quo, the mission, every or, you know, possibly doggy style sex,
every couple of weeks, and they want to have a real lover, a
(03:24):
partner that is interested and curious and developing and
exploring and pushing boundariesand having a new identity as as
a couple who you know, it Prettysexual and explores fantasies
and goes outside Comfort zones. And you know, talks about new
things and tries new things, etc, etc.
And so, the men who ever the partners, who wants more in
(03:49):
whatever way they want it, this is usually because they're in
midlife, they don't have much ofa purpose and a passion is the
way that they used to, in the kids, or the family, or even The
Courier for these men, they kindof got to a place where they're
happy in their career. So, almost the only thing that
they think, And could stand Improvement and the only kind of
context that they can see themselves growing and changing
(04:12):
in such a visceral way is the sex life and since they don't
want to be unfaithful the only person they can do it with is
the woman. So this is much like those women
frequently feel like they had like a lot of, it's really
probably the same for the women,the kids, and the men career.
So the man threw himself wholly into his career was like so
(04:33):
challenging made him think of Self in different ways, a lot of
growth, a lot of changes, a man,a whole new identity and well,
now he's got there, you know, towhatever higher level.
And now, the only thing that he could think about that would
make him. So kind of transformed and
interested in his life. Again, would be to change the
(04:54):
sex life. And so for the woman, while she
may have changed herself, pulledherself inside out to be like
the best mother that she could be and thought about herself
introspected and done all of Of this work on herself to be like
the best mother of young children and then older
children. Well, when the children got a
little older than that, you know, we're talking about late
elementary, middle school, high school, then she's like, she
(05:16):
wants that kind of same kind of feeling of personal fulfillment
via a connection with another and the only person she got
left. Is that, man?
So she's gonna throw herself into that.
And so the the way that a persondefines their identity is
Different in earlier stages of the relationship.
(05:37):
It's not so much based solely onthe partner.
There's a lot more stuff going on, but when you've accomplished
various goals that you've had such as raising healthy happy
children or getting to a certainplace in your career and women
can do this when they get to a certain place in their career as
well and men can throw themselves into the kids.
I'm just seeing the saying, the main effects of what I see based
on gender generally. Well then once that's done well,
(06:00):
what's left, if you want to remain faithful and you want to
remain, kind of in a, Normative conventional family situation,
you can't just go backpack across to bet.
You can't just decide to quit your job and live in an RV and
travel. You can't do a lot of shit if
you want to kind of stay in one place for the stability of your
(06:23):
children and maintain your career.
So within the bounds of conventionality, what is the
only way that people can get this sort of Adventure without
having an affair, which is what people used to do before having
Affairs was thought of as literally the worst thing in the
world. Well sex.
(06:43):
But again, since Affairs are nowterrible.
They weren't always read the State of Affairs by Esther
perel. Read the erotic Silence of the
American, housewife, there's a title.
There's lots of books. You can read on like how
different infidelity thought of Now versus years ago but since
(07:05):
The social Norm is that were notallowed to do it anymore.
Then. Now what can you do?
You basically got to have an affair with your spouse and for
a woman that manifest primarily emotionally and firm and
primarily physically, although of course the physical leads to
the emotional and the emotional,he's to the physical in both
cases. So both people, they will.
What this really is is a person who deeply wants to have an
(07:26):
affair or to be with somebody else, but they can to because I
fuck up the whole fucking familythat they worked, so hard to
build. So there are people who can
understand this drive in their spouse and they can have the
emotional or physical affair. They can let themselves get kind
of caught up in it and the man can read the books on marriage
and connection, and the woman can dress up in latex or
(07:50):
whatever the fuck he wants, and these people are happier.
But then, you know, not like notlike they ever get any
tremendous deep personal fulfillment on their own from
this, but they see that the partner who is the engine of the
drive. Iver of the change does become
happier and does see more fulfilled in their life via.
This exploration of self that isManifest either physically or
(08:14):
emotionally or both and people that can't that are like,
basically, just leave me alone. I'm up to the stage of my life
where I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore.
I just want to rest and enjoy, what I have what I've made in my
life and where the place that I've gotten to these people
usually and up, you know, on Happily partner and this can
lead To divorce when one person is moving toward growth and
(08:37):
change in the other person. Isn't now the the issue the
sticking point here when it's men that are the driver of
change is there frequently wanting women to act in a way
completely antithetical, to weartheir hormones and biology are
at that juncture. So whereas anybody any man can
read a fucking book on marriage,you know?
I mean, or take some personalitytests or join her at a sculpting
(09:02):
class or whatever. She thinks would make I'm more
into a true partner, you know, than what he's currently doing
of sitting on the couch and scratching himself.
But the woman age, she just can't function that way
physically anymore. She can try to put on the
clothes in to be a game sport about whatever, sexual Endeavor
he wants. But frequently this is shit that
(09:24):
she was never doing, you know? And now, he feels like this is
his last chance to, you know, self develop in the sexual
Arena. And He wants to remain
monogamous and frequently does then.
She is the only person with whomhe could do it and therefore the
bottleneck that is stopping him from in his mind this, you know,
(09:46):
Pinnacle of self Evolution this really isn't fair.
But then again you know, love isn't fair relationships aren't
Fair, my job is to kind of tell you what goes on and maybe some
ways to work around these basic human patterns that I see and
couples, right? So, so what I tend to see is
that the way it was a more game and giving the woman is then the
(10:10):
better this goes. But if there's some men that
particularly have a narcissisticstreak that wants so much more
than any woman, could really give at the stage of life that
it's better, honestly, that theysplit over the long term if he's
going to continue to be so unfulfilled.
And to wish that she would be acting like a 25 year old sex
(10:31):
goddess because that's not goingto happen.
And it's the I think honestly with the annoyingly satisfied
husband and the wife who wants more.
There's plenty of women who havea narcissistic streak that don't
feel any better. When the guy read some books on
marriage and goes to counseling and takes up, you know, yoga
with her. And instead want him to
basically turn into a completelyother person, out of a Nicholas
(10:53):
Sparks romance novel, and and these people are better off
splitting to, you know, eventually.
So there's different differing views on whether that should
happen before or after the AIDS are out of the house, but if you
are with somebody that no matterwhat you do, including going to
counseling, they just cannot getaround the fact that you are
(11:14):
obstructing them from personal fulfillment and growth.
Well, I mean, don't stay in thatsituation because it's not going
to work. So as a partner, you try to go
to the limit of what you can do and this could be more than you
think currently. So like a woman who in any way
condescends to the guys, you know, desire for sexually.
(11:34):
Open an adventurous life needs to re-examine those assumptions.
Is this worth ending your marriage over the fact that you
you know, think it's gross to the, I don't know.
Do whatever the fuck, you know, remember dress up like a fuzzy
rabbit or whatever. I said in the other podcast, but
probably not. But then again, if you are like
a 55 year old woman and the guyslike I want you, you know, to
(11:58):
greet me naked every day and to do this and to do that and then
we're going to bring in a third.Well, you know, No, I mean
sometimes you got to be like, you know, hasta Lavista best of
luck, you know, trying to with half your income seduce, a
younger woman into doing these things and I say half your
income because that's what it would be after the divorce.
(12:18):
But in but it's the same thing for what again what's good for
the goose Etc. If there is a guy whose wife is
consistently up his ass to change and grow and he's been
two years of counseling and he'stried to change his.
Got his own individual therapistand she's still Says that she
just doesn't click with him or he's not trying or she, he
(12:39):
stopping her from being in the kind of relationship that she
wants the same, hasta Lavista and see if she could find
somebody else that does it for her with half of y'all's income
which is, you know, possible that she can is possible that
the guy can find a sex goddess of his dreams as well.
But the point is, there's alwayssomething to sacrifice.
(12:59):
Obviously, the rest of the relationship, the long history,
Every possibly deep connection. You know what, the the children,
having one place to come home toetc, etc.
And, of course, very real sorts of pragmatic.
Things like, the finances that I'm talking about, or, you know,
where y'all going to live or like, what have you?
(13:21):
But if you deeply feel that yourrelationship is the kind of The
Proving Ground, for, for your personal self development, and
that's something to rethink, youknow, So individual therapy and
a lot of introspection can help you figure out are you, whether
you're the woman in this situation, or the man and the
(13:42):
situation, when you're the partner who quote wants more?
Are you setting a person up to fail?
Are your expectations, even remotely normal for a spouse
like your spouse of their age and station and personality is
what you want even possible at all?
Because listen, you deserve to get what you want.
(14:03):
And as much as Nobody in our self-centered Society, deserves
to get what they want. But sometimes if your
expectations are way too high, the end, you know, you're not
aware of it, then you can get yourself into a bad situation.
Where, for example, you divorce your partner.
And then you wait for the Nicholas Sparks romantic
character to arrive or the 25 year old sex goddess that
(14:25):
somehow doesn't want you for your money, despite you being 55
or whatever. The case may be to manifest in
your life, like an apparition. And they may not What happened
to you because they may not exist.
No, such person may be able to meet your these standards that
you have created. So individual therapy can help
people realize are your expectations for your spouse.
(14:46):
Normal? Are we dealing with a spouse who
is recalcitrant and can change? But but doesn't want to, but but
may be able to, if they understand how important this
change in growth is whether it'semotional, physical sexual.
Or are you trying, are you have you basically fallen out of love
with your spouse? And you're like, putting them
through the ringer when you're going to end up, leaving them
(15:08):
anyway and or making the rest oftheir life miserable because
they just cannot be who you wantin which case it's kinder to get
out quicker you know and not to do the years of counseling
etcetera Etc if you already knowthat this person is not the
person with whom you can be happy long-term but the major
question is to ask what is it about your life?
(15:28):
What can you do on your own internally?
Such that you don't have to use the relationship?
Like you are like primary vehicle of self-development but
rather your self can do that by yourself, you can do that.
You can figure out who you want to be spiritually.
Career-wise physically. Do you want to be somebody that
(15:50):
you eat travels and backpacks through Tibet?
Maybe you do maybe your spouse would welcome.
You going to Tibet, you wouldn'tbe up there as all the time
about this shit and then you could come back and have more of
a normative relationship after you got it out of your system.
I've seen things like that happen, you know.
But would you want to think about is, do you really want to
be with this person? Long-term, and it's just
(16:13):
basically, you're having some sort of midlife crisis, or have
you been unhappy for a very longtime?
It's just, it's now kind of the breaking point because this is
the first time, you can't even picture subconsciously, picture
leaving because the children have gotten to be the age that
you could picture it. Finally.
And now you are just somehow in your mind.
(16:34):
Dragging them through like thesefiery Hoops.
Because you want to say in your mind, I did everything I could
before I got to a divorce, but you kind of know that you're
going to leave this person or are you somebody that just wants
a little bit of a deeper closer relationship, whether that's
sexually or emotionally and therapy, really could help and
(16:54):
you're going into it loving thisperson wanting to work on it and
thinking that maybe in fact, it could be worked on.
So three different options. So the First is the person
that's really just unhappy with themselves and using the
relationship as a manifestation of this deep, internal
unhappiness, and frustration, and feeling stuck in their own
(17:16):
life. So that's a person who go to
individual therapy. The next is a person that's
using all of these things about growth and change as like a
cover up for the fact that they are really deeply not in love
with their spouse anymore. They do not want to stay
together, but they want to be somebody who tried everything
before divorce. You that person or are you the
person that's worked through your own stuff, you're dealing
(17:39):
with your own midlife issues crises what have you existential
angst and you really do genuinely, hope that with a
little bit of genuine change andintrospection, your partner, may
become somebody who you want to be with, for the rest of your
life and that and you could visualize yourself as a happy
(18:00):
couple without your partner, change their entire personality.
Ality and or sexual preferences and or intellectual, you know,
it literally IQ or whatever. So, think about it.
Deeply if you're in this situation because I do get these
couples frequently and hopefullythis gave you a lot to think
about, please do follow me on Tick-Tock now.
(18:21):
I'm so trendy and young. Just kidding.
I'm just on Tick-Tock. Neither trendy nor young and
I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
Hi everybody, and welcome to thedr.
Psych mom show today, we're going to be talking about the
annoyingly satisfied wife, and the husband who wants more,
which is the inverse of the annoyingly.
Satisfied husband, and the wife who wants more, which is one of
the couples in counseling that I've written about and talked
about and which resonates the most, with my clients.
(00:28):
So there's an inverse of that and if you didn't guess with
men, it has to do with sex. So we'll talk about that.
This is another A common a couple that I see now.
So versus I guess, when I was younger, I was seeing more of
the annoyingly, satisfied, husband people.
I think something changed in thedrinking water.
(00:49):
You know, that that men think now versus ten years ago there,
you know 10 years older on average, the people who will
come to see me and so the men are ten years more dissatisfied
with their sex lives. So they'll come now versus 10
years ago. So, before we get to that,
please do subscribe. I have one coming out or whose,
(01:09):
which has already come out on binge eating and binge drinking
as escape tools. So if those are anything that
you engage in or that you know, anybody who engages in and
listen And subscribe. So getting to the topic at hand.
So obviously you can go back andlisten to the annoyingly.
Satisfied husband and the wife who wants more, but this is the
couple, which is very common in counseling where the woman wants
(01:32):
more out of the marriage. She wants more.
It's just more correct, more connection.
She wants them to evolve together and grow as people
she's probably in her own therapy.
She wants him to be in his own therapy.
She no longer thinks it's okay that he just goes out earns
money and comes home. She's probably earning money by
now too. And she wants to have a greater
and deeper connection. That is a relationship that's
(01:54):
more in line with how she feels Now versus two people just, you
know, kind of co-parenting real small kids together and trying
to survive. Now that the Kids are older.
She wants something that feels more like an intimate
Partnership of equals that are growing and evolving together
intellectually and emotionally and frequently sexually, but
(02:17):
that is usually not the number one.
The number one complaint in thisregard.
It's more about emotional and intellectual compatibility that
the woman no longer feels is there.
As they've gotten older. They've grown, she feels she's
grown in One Direction. He may have just stagnated at
another and she's bored. Get out now a direct corollary
to this are the many men that I see.
(02:41):
Really not corollary. You know, you talk too much,
start using the wrong words. A, a Counterpoint to this is the
men that are in the same situation except it's like that
game or everything you say, you put in bed afterwards.
So the men want a companion thatdevelops and grows with them in
bed. Then wants to evolve in bed that
(03:02):
is curious about the world in bed.
And now Watson new identity in bed.
It's true though. So these men come in, and they
are real tired with the status quo, they're tired of the status
quo, the mission, every or, you know, possibly doggy style sex,
every couple of weeks, and they want to have a real lover, a
(03:24):
partner that is interested and curious and developing and
exploring and pushing boundariesand having a new identity as as
a couple who you know, it Prettysexual and explores fantasies
and goes outside Comfort zones. And you know, talks about new
things and tries new things, etc, etc.
And so, the men who ever the partners, who wants more in
(03:49):
whatever way they want it, this is usually because they're in
midlife, they don't have much ofa purpose and a passion is the
way that they used to, in the kids, or the family, or even The
Courier for these men, they kindof got to a place where they're
happy in their career. So, almost the only thing that
they think, And could stand Improvement and the only kind of
context that they can see themselves growing and changing
(04:12):
in such a visceral way is the sex life and since they don't
want to be unfaithful the only person they can do it with is
the woman. So this is much like those women
frequently feel like they had like a lot of, it's really
probably the same for the women,the kids, and the men career.
So the man threw himself wholly into his career was like so
(04:33):
challenging made him think of Self in different ways, a lot of
growth, a lot of changes, a man,a whole new identity and well,
now he's got there, you know, towhatever higher level.
And now, the only thing that he could think about that would
make him. So kind of transformed and
interested in his life. Again, would be to change the
(04:54):
sex life. And so for the woman, while she
may have changed herself, pulledherself inside out to be like
the best mother that she could be and thought about herself
introspected and done all of Of this work on herself to be like
the best mother of young children and then older
children. Well, when the children got a
little older than that, you know, we're talking about late
elementary, middle school, high school, then she's like, she
(05:16):
wants that kind of same kind of feeling of personal fulfillment
via a connection with another and the only person she got
left. Is that, man?
So she's gonna throw herself into that.
And so the the way that a persondefines their identity is
Different in earlier stages of the relationship.
(05:37):
It's not so much based solely onthe partner.
There's a lot more stuff going on, but when you've accomplished
various goals that you've had such as raising healthy happy
children or getting to a certainplace in your career and women
can do this when they get to a certain place in their career as
well and men can throw themselves into the kids.
I'm just seeing the saying, the main effects of what I see based
on gender generally. Well then once that's done well,
(06:00):
what's left, if you want to remain faithful and you want to
remain, kind of in a, Normative conventional family situation,
you can't just go backpack across to bet.
You can't just decide to quit your job and live in an RV and
travel. You can't do a lot of shit if
you want to kind of stay in one place for the stability of your
(06:23):
children and maintain your career.
So within the bounds of conventionality, what is the
only way that people can get this sort of Adventure without
having an affair, which is what people used to do before having
Affairs was thought of as literally the worst thing in the
world. Well sex.
(06:43):
But again, since Affairs are nowterrible.
They weren't always read the State of Affairs by Esther
perel. Read the erotic Silence of the
American, housewife, there's a title.
There's lots of books. You can read on like how
different infidelity thought of Now versus years ago but since
(07:05):
The social Norm is that were notallowed to do it anymore.
Then. Now what can you do?
You basically got to have an affair with your spouse and for
a woman that manifest primarily emotionally and firm and
primarily physically, although of course the physical leads to
the emotional and the emotional,he's to the physical in both
cases. So both people, they will.
What this really is is a person who deeply wants to have an
(07:26):
affair or to be with somebody else, but they can to because I
fuck up the whole fucking familythat they worked, so hard to
build. So there are people who can
understand this drive in their spouse and they can have the
emotional or physical affair. They can let themselves get kind
of caught up in it and the man can read the books on marriage
and connection, and the woman can dress up in latex or
(07:50):
whatever the fuck he wants, and these people are happier.
But then, you know, not like notlike they ever get any
tremendous deep personal fulfillment on their own from
this, but they see that the partner who is the engine of the
drive. Iver of the change does become
happier and does see more fulfilled in their life via.
This exploration of self that isManifest either physically or
(08:14):
emotionally or both and people that can't that are like,
basically, just leave me alone. I'm up to the stage of my life
where I don't want to deal with this bullshit anymore.
I just want to rest and enjoy, what I have what I've made in my
life and where the place that I've gotten to these people
usually and up, you know, on Happily partner and this can
lead To divorce when one person is moving toward growth and
(08:37):
change in the other person. Isn't now the the issue the
sticking point here when it's men that are the driver of
change is there frequently wanting women to act in a way
completely antithetical, to weartheir hormones and biology are
at that juncture. So whereas anybody any man can
read a fucking book on marriage,you know?
I mean, or take some personalitytests or join her at a sculpting
(09:02):
class or whatever. She thinks would make I'm more
into a true partner, you know, than what he's currently doing
of sitting on the couch and scratching himself.
But the woman age, she just can't function that way
physically anymore. She can try to put on the
clothes in to be a game sport about whatever, sexual Endeavor
he wants. But frequently this is shit that
(09:24):
she was never doing, you know? And now, he feels like this is
his last chance to, you know, self develop in the sexual
Arena. And He wants to remain
monogamous and frequently does then.
She is the only person with whomhe could do it and therefore the
bottleneck that is stopping him from in his mind this, you know,
(09:46):
Pinnacle of self Evolution this really isn't fair.
But then again you know, love isn't fair relationships aren't
Fair, my job is to kind of tell you what goes on and maybe some
ways to work around these basic human patterns that I see and
couples, right? So, so what I tend to see is
that the way it was a more game and giving the woman is then the
(10:10):
better this goes. But if there's some men that
particularly have a narcissisticstreak that wants so much more
than any woman, could really give at the stage of life that
it's better, honestly, that theysplit over the long term if he's
going to continue to be so unfulfilled.
And to wish that she would be acting like a 25 year old sex
(10:31):
goddess because that's not goingto happen.
And it's the I think honestly with the annoyingly satisfied
husband and the wife who wants more.
There's plenty of women who havea narcissistic streak that don't
feel any better. When the guy read some books on
marriage and goes to counseling and takes up, you know, yoga
with her. And instead want him to
basically turn into a completelyother person, out of a Nicholas
(10:53):
Sparks romance novel, and and these people are better off
splitting to, you know, eventually.
So there's different differing views on whether that should
happen before or after the AIDS are out of the house, but if you
are with somebody that no matterwhat you do, including going to
counseling, they just cannot getaround the fact that you are
(11:14):
obstructing them from personal fulfillment and growth.
Well, I mean, don't stay in thatsituation because it's not going
to work. So as a partner, you try to go
to the limit of what you can do and this could be more than you
think currently. So like a woman who in any way
condescends to the guys, you know, desire for sexually.
(11:34):
Open an adventurous life needs to re-examine those assumptions.
Is this worth ending your marriage over the fact that you
you know, think it's gross to the, I don't know.
Do whatever the fuck, you know, remember dress up like a fuzzy
rabbit or whatever. I said in the other podcast, but
probably not. But then again, if you are like
a 55 year old woman and the guyslike I want you, you know, to
(11:58):
greet me naked every day and to do this and to do that and then
we're going to bring in a third.Well, you know, No, I mean
sometimes you got to be like, you know, hasta Lavista best of
luck, you know, trying to with half your income seduce, a
younger woman into doing these things and I say half your
income because that's what it would be after the divorce.
(12:18):
But in but it's the same thing for what again what's good for
the goose Etc. If there is a guy whose wife is
consistently up his ass to change and grow and he's been
two years of counseling and he'stried to change his.
Got his own individual therapistand she's still Says that she
just doesn't click with him or he's not trying or she, he
(12:39):
stopping her from being in the kind of relationship that she
wants the same, hasta Lavista and see if she could find
somebody else that does it for her with half of y'all's income
which is, you know, possible that she can is possible that
the guy can find a sex goddess of his dreams as well.
But the point is, there's alwayssomething to sacrifice.
(12:59):
Obviously, the rest of the relationship, the long history,
Every possibly deep connection. You know what, the the children,
having one place to come home toetc, etc.
And, of course, very real sorts of pragmatic.
Things like, the finances that I'm talking about, or, you know,
where y'all going to live or like, what have you?
(13:21):
But if you deeply feel that yourrelationship is the kind of The
Proving Ground, for, for your personal self development, and
that's something to rethink, youknow, So individual therapy and
a lot of introspection can help you figure out are you, whether
you're the woman in this situation, or the man and the
(13:42):
situation, when you're the partner who quote wants more?
Are you setting a person up to fail?
Are your expectations, even remotely normal for a spouse
like your spouse of their age and station and personality is
what you want even possible at all?
Because listen, you deserve to get what you want.
(14:03):
And as much as Nobody in our self-centered Society, deserves
to get what they want. But sometimes if your
expectations are way too high, the end, you know, you're not
aware of it, then you can get yourself into a bad situation.
Where, for example, you divorce your partner.
And then you wait for the Nicholas Sparks romantic
character to arrive or the 25 year old sex goddess that
(14:25):
somehow doesn't want you for your money, despite you being 55
or whatever. The case may be to manifest in
your life, like an apparition. And they may not What happened
to you because they may not exist.
No, such person may be able to meet your these standards that
you have created. So individual therapy can help
people realize are your expectations for your spouse.
(14:46):
Normal? Are we dealing with a spouse who
is recalcitrant and can change? But but doesn't want to, but but
may be able to, if they understand how important this
change in growth is whether it'semotional, physical sexual.
Or are you trying, are you have you basically fallen out of love
with your spouse? And you're like, putting them
through the ringer when you're going to end up, leaving them
(15:08):
anyway and or making the rest oftheir life miserable because
they just cannot be who you wantin which case it's kinder to get
out quicker you know and not to do the years of counseling
etcetera Etc if you already knowthat this person is not the
person with whom you can be happy long-term but the major
question is to ask what is it about your life?
(15:28):
What can you do on your own internally?
Such that you don't have to use the relationship?
Like you are like primary vehicle of self-development but
rather your self can do that by yourself, you can do that.
You can figure out who you want to be spiritually.
Career-wise physically. Do you want to be somebody that
(15:50):
you eat travels and backpacks through Tibet?
Maybe you do maybe your spouse would welcome.
You going to Tibet, you wouldn'tbe up there as all the time
about this shit and then you could come back and have more of
a normative relationship after you got it out of your system.
I've seen things like that happen, you know.
But would you want to think about is, do you really want to
be with this person? Long-term, and it's just
(16:13):
basically, you're having some sort of midlife crisis, or have
you been unhappy for a very longtime?
It's just, it's now kind of the breaking point because this is
the first time, you can't even picture subconsciously, picture
leaving because the children have gotten to be the age that
you could picture it. Finally.
And now you are just somehow in your mind.
(16:34):
Dragging them through like thesefiery Hoops.
Because you want to say in your mind, I did everything I could
before I got to a divorce, but you kind of know that you're
going to leave this person or are you somebody that just wants
a little bit of a deeper closer relationship, whether that's
sexually or emotionally and therapy, really could help and
(16:54):
you're going into it loving thisperson wanting to work on it and
thinking that maybe in fact, it could be worked on.
So three different options. So the First is the person
that's really just unhappy with themselves and using the
relationship as a manifestation of this deep, internal
unhappiness, and frustration, and feeling stuck in their own
(17:16):
life. So that's a person who go to
individual therapy. The next is a person that's
using all of these things about growth and change as like a
cover up for the fact that they are really deeply not in love
with their spouse anymore. They do not want to stay
together, but they want to be somebody who tried everything
before divorce. You that person or are you the
person that's worked through your own stuff, you're dealing
(17:39):
with your own midlife issues crises what have you existential
angst and you really do genuinely, hope that with a
little bit of genuine change andintrospection, your partner, may
become somebody who you want to be with, for the rest of your
life and that and you could visualize yourself as a happy
(18:00):
couple without your partner, change their entire personality.
Ality and or sexual preferences and or intellectual, you know,
it literally IQ or whatever. So, think about it.
Deeply if you're in this situation because I do get these
couples frequently and hopefullythis gave you a lot to think
about, please do follow me on Tick-Tock now.
(18:21):
I'm so trendy and young. Just kidding.
I'm just on Tick-Tock. Neither trendy nor young and
I'll talk to you soon. Bye.
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