September 3, 2025 • 22 mins
I am about to become more of myself. My skin is cracking. My old self is shedding, and what’s underneath is confidence; embodied, unshakeable, but I’m not all the way in it yet.
I'm at the edge. Crowning at the birth canal. And it hurts
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hey y'all, it's DocuRock, and I'm on the edge of
something.
I'm on the edge of cracking openmy chrysalis.
I'm on the precipice of steppinginto my confidence.
And it's so funny.
I was thinking, I actuallystarted writing it.
I was thinking to myselfyesterday, like, God damn it.
(00:23):
I wonder if I have to fuckingstart rapping in order for
people to hear me.
Maybe I need to put some barsout there so people will be
willing to listen to what thefuck I have to say.
And I start writing this poemslash rap right so for people
who don't know I am a poet I'vebeen writing since single digits
(00:46):
had the opportunity to write abook but that's a whole
different conversation foranother day and I used to write
raps for my older brother it wasa hot ass mess 11 years old
talking about bitches and hoesbut the point is I used to do it
and I'm noticing that peopleseem to appreciate or listen to
(01:10):
music or melodies or raps orwhatever.
At least that's what I wasfeeling, right?
Based off my own algorithm.
So who knows if this is true ornot.
But I started writing this rapyesterday.
Like, maybe this is what I needto do.
And then I stopped.
I'm like, what the hell are youdoing, Yolanda?
Not that I don't appreciatepoetry.
(01:31):
Not that I don't want tocontinue to do poetry.
And I actually might put itbehind a beat or two, some
melodies.
I don't know.
I think that's something I wantto do.
But this wasn't that.
This felt like me, once again,feeling as if I had to contort
myself in order to be visible,in order to be seen.
And I stopped myself and I said,you know what?
(01:55):
I was thinking about the factthat my confidence has been
something where I've struggledand mainly because I've been
conditioned to be humble, right?
I had to be, this humility hadto be showcased more so than any
(02:16):
talent, any gift that I have.
I have to just do that shit,right?
I just have to do it, but Icould not allow myself to be it,
if that makes sense.
Meaning that I am very good atdoing the work, doing the
things, building the things,whatever, doing the research,
and then I just move on to thecelebrate, or highlight the
(02:39):
product.
But I need to.
That is the messaging I'mgetting from my guys, from my
higher source, is that I needto...
platform, my product.
And my biggest, most importantproduct is myself.
I've done so much fucking workjust to be better, to really
(03:04):
access the truth within myself,the good, the bad, the ugly, and
most importantly, the brilliant.
The brilliant is typically whatI don't highlight.
I'm really good at talking aboutmy shadow work and the things
I've been through.
And I even talk about, hey, youknow, We get to the other side.
It's all good.
We figure it out.
We tough.
(03:26):
And I'm feeling called to allowmy...
And people talk about masculineand feminine all the time.
I think it kind of gets a littleconvoluted like most things.
But...
I feel like I've been hungry.
I've been in masculine mode.
I've been in do it, get it,strive for it mode that I am
(03:46):
being called to balance that outbecause I've done the things and
I could keep doing more things,but there's no end to it.
I will burn myself to the groundbecause I'm in this constant
loop of going and striving anddoing and getting, and I never
(04:08):
pause and appreciate, really.
Not often.
I do personally and quietly, butI don't highlight that part,
especially on socials orwherever else.
But I'm feeling called to dothat more, to just bask in the
brilliance and in the beauty ofthe work that's already been
(04:30):
done and completed, andhighlight that more and talk
about that more.
So I gave myself this challengecalled Well, say that shit
September, right?
So I've done other challenges inthe past.
I've created Show Up September.
I've done that in collaborationwith my friend Myesha.
And we've done that a couple oftimes.
(04:50):
And before that, I had did it afew times where you'd show up by
really showing up and beinghonest with yourself.
But I've personally done that somany fucking times.
I'm so honest with myself.
And now it's time to say thatshit.
Like say what I've accomplished.
Say what I've done.
Say what I've built.
and not to be cocky, not out ofarrogancy, but out of accuracy
(05:15):
because it is truth, right?
I get to just be honest aboutwhat I fucking have
accomplished, who I am becauseof the so much work that I've
done already.
I get to just be honest about itand talk about it and appreciate
(05:35):
it.
And so that's what I'm going todo.
I really feel like I am on theedge of Of being comfortable
with the truth.
And when I think about the wordconfidence, it's so interesting
to me because I think of italmost as a...
(05:56):
like a costume.
Like when I think of like,you're confident, like you're,
you're putting on this cloak ofconfidence is, and I am learning
that it is really a state ofbeing right.
And so when I think about like,I gotta like be confident makes
it seem as if it's an actionwhen you're, when it's a state
(06:19):
of being, it just exists.
And so I am going from beingconfident to being in a state of
confidence and it sounds likeI'm saying the same fucking
thing but it means two differentthings to me one seems as if I
am doing something right to beconfident where what I feel I am
(06:41):
on the precipice of I am on theedge of is a state of existence
and With that, I also feel thatthere's parts, or you want to
say there's residue...
of the version of me that isvery much not in that state of
(07:05):
being, that is still very muchin the state of having to do and
perform and prove.
But I'm on the edge.
I'm on the edge of releasingthat version of existence.
And I also feel like I've beenon the edge for a very fucking
(07:25):
long time.
This whole, like, if I hear theword liminal one more goddamn
time, liminal space.
You're in the liminal space.
You're in the liminal space.
Okay.
All right.
I've been here.
I got the goddamn t-shirts, thepostcards.
I've got my souvenirs.
Can we fucking go now?
Like I'm over the liminal space,but I also have an appreciation
(07:46):
for it because it's also thespace where you are prepared.
You are in preparation modebecause once you come out of
that liminal space, there's nogoing back to it.
Right.
And so it's opportunity for usto really prepare our essence,
(08:08):
to prepare our vessel for whatwe are calling in next, right?
And I'm on the edge of that.
And excuse me if I soundcongested because I am.
I am congested.
Excuse me.
But we are on the edge.
And I say we because I neverfeel as if this is a
(08:32):
transmission just for the hellof it.
It reaches somebody.
And I know we are in similarenergetics.
We're in similar places.
So this is for us.
We're on the edge.
So if you are still in thatliminal space, which I assume
you are because you're here,allow it to do what it needs to
(08:54):
do.
Because this next, this beyondthe edge, this beyond the
precipice, man, I'm beginning tofeel it.
Like when they talk aboutembodying something, I'm
beginning to feel it.
There's a sense of vibration inmy limbs like in my arms in my
(09:19):
back in my legs It's electric.
And I also wonder the sicknessthat I have right now.
Yeah, it could just be a cold orwhatever the fuck, but I also
feel like it's a purging.
It's an opportunity to releaseand create space to cleanse the
(09:40):
vessel for what is next.
So on the edge of cracking openthe chrysalis, I've been in the
chrysalis.
We've talked about thebutterfly.
I believe we've talked about thebutterfly and the caterpillar.
pillar and all that shit andbeing in the chrysalis and how
you turn it to goo and that'snot sexy it's not fun at all but
it's necessary you have todissolve like you really have to
(10:04):
dissolve all of the differentlayers the different versions
the different programs all of itand out of that you create
something else lighter right andthat's another thing I've been
really really heavy mentally,physically, emotionally.
(10:26):
And there was a relationshipwith my body that was extremely
traumatic, you know, and Ihesitate to use that word.
I was about to say dysfunctionalthat too, but the heaviness has
been a physical representationof the energy, the energetic
heaviness that I've beencarrying since a little girl,
(10:47):
all of the stuff.
Right.
And in order to fly, There hasto be a certain level of
engineering, of dynamics thatallows you to be able to hold
yourself up in space.
You can't be heavy.
(11:09):
You can't be too heavy, right?
Your wings either have to beextremely large.
And now I'm getting into someother shit.
But my point is, you got torelease that weight, right?
And it starts energetically.
It starts...
emotionally, mentally, becausewhat happens is, and I've done
(11:29):
this, I've released the weightphysically, but I was still very
much heavy mentally,emotionally, spiritually,
energetically.
So what the fuck happened?
It came back physically.
So now this last iteration, andI said last, huh?
Okay.
This last iteration of cominginto harmony with my body has
(11:54):
been extremely slow going.
I've refused to do a lot of theold things I've done before as
far as like fasting.
And so, you know, potentialtrigger warning for those who
have distorted eating habits.
But I refuse to fast.
I refuse to do keto.
I refuse to do Atkins.
I refuse to take pills.
Although I've thought about it.
(12:14):
I actually bought some and Itook them and they fucked me up.
So I took them twice and I waslike, no, I've considered the
medication.
Like I've considered all ofthese things and not to say, you
know, that at some point extratools or resources won't be a
part of my process, but for nowthey cannot.
I actually got a prescriptionfor one of those, I think it was
(12:36):
Zetbound.
And then my insurance was like,hell no, we ain't giving it to
you.
It's$1,300 a month.
I was like, and no, that's notgoing to happen.
But the point is this time, therelationship with my body had to
start spiritually.
It had to start emotionally.
I had to really change myrelationship with my body on an
(13:00):
energetic level before I couldreally begin to facilitate that
on a physical level.
And I am still working throughall of that.
I've began to facilitate itsomewhat physically as I am
still navigating a lot of thebaggage and the trauma from shit
(13:27):
40 years ago.
Right.
And it's been an interesting,um, Journey compared to how I've
done it in the past, where itwas a form of punishment and
abuse, self-abuse before, wherenow I am really switching in to
self-appreciation.
I don't I don't use self-lovebecause sometimes I get
(13:51):
sometimes that gets soconvoluted again, using words
without really having thesubstance.
So self-appreciation is what Iwill use.
And this is really helping memove closer to that edge of
cracking open the chrysalis andbeing on the precipice of
(14:12):
embodying and being in theexistence of confidence.
So circling all the way back,this Say That Shit September is
an honoring of self.
It's a just saying the thing,right?
No extra, no jazz hands, nosugar on it, no downplaying it,
(14:35):
no minimizing it, no minimizingit.
Minimizing what?
No, minimizing it.
Just saying the fucking truthand how people receive it is not
my problem.
Right.
Because that was a part of theissue before.
Oh, people don't think I'mcocky.
People don't think I'm, youknow, I'm doing too much.
(14:56):
People don't.
Who gives a fuck?
Right.
If my truth is.
If the truth makes other peoplefeel a way, then that is a them
thing.
And I get to be in thediscomfort of I get to be in the
(15:18):
discomfort of knowing that thereis nothing for me to do about
it.
Right.
And that is another thing I'vebeen working on, just sitting in
the discomfort of not trying tofix change or pacify or
anything, just being in thediscomfort that it is not my
motherfucking job.
UNKNOWN (15:38):
Whew.
SPEAKER_00 (15:38):
And that's been a process, even in my own
household, learning to just letpeople be, right?
That it is not my job to fix,change anything.
That if people are in a funk,they get to be in a funk.
And I get to be hit.
I get to be in the discomfort ofknowing it is not my job to fix
(15:59):
or change it.
And that I am not a bad personbecause I cannot.
Oh my God, y'all, that has beensuch a difficult thing for me.
To understand that it is not myresponsibility and I am not a
bad person if I can't changepeople's moods or make it better
or, you know, save or fix.
(16:21):
I just sit with the knowing thatthat's not mine.
But I've been conditioned, goingback to that, to fix change, to
pacify, to do something forsomeone when they are not in a
good space.
Even if they don't ask,especially if they don't ask.
(16:45):
I am practicing not doing thatbecause what I've learned is
that I've given so much of thatenergy to others that I've left
very, very little for myself.
And then that's where theresentment, that's when the
resentment comes in.
And that is no one else'sresponsibility or issue but
mine, right?
So full circle, right?
What is my responsibility?
(17:06):
What is it?
And I have fought against beingresponsible or being in a
position and being in a positionof leadership because for me
that sounded like additionalresponsibility and I already had
such a I don't know what word touse such a complicated
(17:30):
relationship with the idea ofresponsibility because I thought
everything was my responsibilityespecially in my household
especially as a kid right right?
That I'm responsible foreveryone's wellbeing.
So the idea of being inleadership, the idea of doing
that type of shit, like you wantme to add extra responsibility
and even success.
(17:52):
Success felt like extra shit.
It felt like responsibilitybecause once you're successful,
now you got to maintain thatshit.
And sometimes that's the hardestthing, right?
People don't always seem tounderstand, like you can reach a
certain height, butmotherfucker, you got to
maintain that.
Just like when you lose weight,now you got to be in maintenance
mode because people be up anddown that motherfucking yo-yo
(18:13):
and saying people get money orthey reach a level of success
and then they lose all that shitbecause they don't know how to
maintain it and so for me that'swhat leadership felt like
responsibility for me becauseyou have to maintain that level
of success because when you goup it's real easy as fuck to go
(18:33):
back down and I personallyfucking refuse to do that
because for me if you aresuccessful, you're also
responsible for not justyourself, but for others.
And I don't want to disappointanybody.
So if I'm in a position ofsuccess, I understood and I
understand that that comes witha lot of responsibility and
(18:57):
other people are counting onyou.
And in order to maintain that,you have to be in the right
relationship with yourself.
And I was not.
But as I am on this journey,trajectory of leadership and
responsibility, it has forced meto recognize what I am actually
(19:19):
responsible for.
Because I cannot be in aposition where I am responsible
for all of these things if I amalso holding responsibility for
things that are not mine.
Something's going to have tofucking give.
Right?
And it's giving.
(19:40):
And it's creating space for meto actually step into what is my
role.
And it's a big one.
And if I allow myself to thinkabout it enough, it scares the
hell out of me because I'm awareof how much responsibility it
holds.
And I am still in the midst ofchanging that complicated
(20:02):
relationship, of shifting it.
So for those who are inpositions of leadership, nothing
has forced me to reckon withmyself as much as being a parent
and being an entrepreneur in aposition of leadership.
I've been a solo entrepreneur,that shit's easy compared to
(20:23):
having a team and having avision that encompasses others.
Solo is just you, right?
Hey, that shit for me is easy.
I am so good at doing me bymyself.
But those two roles, parenthoodand leadership, right?
(20:45):
And they're very similar becauseyou're responsible for something
other than yourself.
So, um, If you are in a positionof leadership, if you're a
(21:17):
parent and you ain't done yourmotherfucking work, I can
guarantee that you are leadingfrom your wound and you are
causing harm.
I've caused harm.
When I have inadvertentlyparented from my wound, when I
have inadvertently parented fromor led from the wound, I've
caused harm.
(21:38):
And I had to be honest.
Well, I didn't have to.
Like, we ain't gotta do shit.
But I chose to be honest aboutthat.
To shift, to pivot, and torepair.
But that comes with a level ofradical honesty that a lot of
people aren't willing to do.
(22:00):
But I invite it.
I invite it.
Because a lot of us are on theedge of.
We are on the precipice ofchange.
This next iteration of being, ofexisting.
The whole world is on theprecipice.
(22:21):
And you're either going tofucking fly or you're not.
I got my wings.
What about you?
This is DocuRock.
I'm out.
Peace.
Hey y'all, it's DocuRock, and I'm on the edge of
something.
I'm on the edge of cracking openmy chrysalis.
I'm on the precipice of steppinginto my confidence.
And it's so funny.
I was thinking, I actuallystarted writing it.
I was thinking to myselfyesterday, like, God damn it.
(00:23):
I wonder if I have to fuckingstart rapping in order for
people to hear me.
Maybe I need to put some barsout there so people will be
willing to listen to what thefuck I have to say.
And I start writing this poemslash rap right so for people
who don't know I am a poet I'vebeen writing since single digits
(00:46):
had the opportunity to write abook but that's a whole
different conversation foranother day and I used to write
raps for my older brother it wasa hot ass mess 11 years old
talking about bitches and hoesbut the point is I used to do it
and I'm noticing that peopleseem to appreciate or listen to
(01:10):
music or melodies or raps orwhatever.
At least that's what I wasfeeling, right?
Based off my own algorithm.
So who knows if this is true ornot.
But I started writing this rapyesterday.
Like, maybe this is what I needto do.
And then I stopped.
I'm like, what the hell are youdoing, Yolanda?
Not that I don't appreciatepoetry.
(01:31):
Not that I don't want tocontinue to do poetry.
And I actually might put itbehind a beat or two, some
melodies.
I don't know.
I think that's something I wantto do.
But this wasn't that.
This felt like me, once again,feeling as if I had to contort
myself in order to be visible,in order to be seen.
And I stopped myself and I said,you know what?
(01:55):
I was thinking about the factthat my confidence has been
something where I've struggledand mainly because I've been
conditioned to be humble, right?
I had to be, this humility hadto be showcased more so than any
(02:16):
talent, any gift that I have.
I have to just do that shit,right?
I just have to do it, but Icould not allow myself to be it,
if that makes sense.
Meaning that I am very good atdoing the work, doing the
things, building the things,whatever, doing the research,
and then I just move on to thecelebrate, or highlight the
(02:39):
product.
But I need to.
That is the messaging I'mgetting from my guys, from my
higher source, is that I needto...
platform, my product.
And my biggest, most importantproduct is myself.
I've done so much fucking workjust to be better, to really
(03:04):
access the truth within myself,the good, the bad, the ugly, and
most importantly, the brilliant.
The brilliant is typically whatI don't highlight.
I'm really good at talking aboutmy shadow work and the things
I've been through.
And I even talk about, hey, youknow, We get to the other side.
It's all good.
We figure it out.
We tough.
(03:26):
And I'm feeling called to allowmy...
And people talk about masculineand feminine all the time.
I think it kind of gets a littleconvoluted like most things.
But...
I feel like I've been hungry.
I've been in masculine mode.
I've been in do it, get it,strive for it mode that I am
(03:46):
being called to balance that outbecause I've done the things and
I could keep doing more things,but there's no end to it.
I will burn myself to the groundbecause I'm in this constant
loop of going and striving anddoing and getting, and I never
(04:08):
pause and appreciate, really.
Not often.
I do personally and quietly, butI don't highlight that part,
especially on socials orwherever else.
But I'm feeling called to dothat more, to just bask in the
brilliance and in the beauty ofthe work that's already been
(04:30):
done and completed, andhighlight that more and talk
about that more.
So I gave myself this challengecalled Well, say that shit
September, right?
So I've done other challenges inthe past.
I've created Show Up September.
I've done that in collaborationwith my friend Myesha.
And we've done that a couple oftimes.
(04:50):
And before that, I had did it afew times where you'd show up by
really showing up and beinghonest with yourself.
But I've personally done that somany fucking times.
I'm so honest with myself.
And now it's time to say thatshit.
Like say what I've accomplished.
Say what I've done.
Say what I've built.
and not to be cocky, not out ofarrogancy, but out of accuracy
(05:15):
because it is truth, right?
I get to just be honest aboutwhat I fucking have
accomplished, who I am becauseof the so much work that I've
done already.
I get to just be honest about itand talk about it and appreciate
(05:35):
it.
And so that's what I'm going todo.
I really feel like I am on theedge of Of being comfortable
with the truth.
And when I think about the wordconfidence, it's so interesting
to me because I think of italmost as a...
(05:56):
like a costume.
Like when I think of like,you're confident, like you're,
you're putting on this cloak ofconfidence is, and I am learning
that it is really a state ofbeing right.
And so when I think about like,I gotta like be confident makes
it seem as if it's an actionwhen you're, when it's a state
(06:19):
of being, it just exists.
And so I am going from beingconfident to being in a state of
confidence and it sounds likeI'm saying the same fucking
thing but it means two differentthings to me one seems as if I
am doing something right to beconfident where what I feel I am
(06:41):
on the precipice of I am on theedge of is a state of existence
and With that, I also feel thatthere's parts, or you want to
say there's residue...
of the version of me that isvery much not in that state of
(07:05):
being, that is still very muchin the state of having to do and
perform and prove.
But I'm on the edge.
I'm on the edge of releasingthat version of existence.
And I also feel like I've beenon the edge for a very fucking
(07:25):
long time.
This whole, like, if I hear theword liminal one more goddamn
time, liminal space.
You're in the liminal space.
You're in the liminal space.
Okay.
All right.
I've been here.
I got the goddamn t-shirts, thepostcards.
I've got my souvenirs.
Can we fucking go now?
Like I'm over the liminal space,but I also have an appreciation
(07:46):
for it because it's also thespace where you are prepared.
You are in preparation modebecause once you come out of
that liminal space, there's nogoing back to it.
Right.
And so it's opportunity for usto really prepare our essence,
(08:08):
to prepare our vessel for whatwe are calling in next, right?
And I'm on the edge of that.
And excuse me if I soundcongested because I am.
I am congested.
Excuse me.
But we are on the edge.
And I say we because I neverfeel as if this is a
(08:32):
transmission just for the hellof it.
It reaches somebody.
And I know we are in similarenergetics.
We're in similar places.
So this is for us.
We're on the edge.
So if you are still in thatliminal space, which I assume
you are because you're here,allow it to do what it needs to
(08:54):
do.
Because this next, this beyondthe edge, this beyond the
precipice, man, I'm beginning tofeel it.
Like when they talk aboutembodying something, I'm
beginning to feel it.
There's a sense of vibration inmy limbs like in my arms in my
(09:19):
back in my legs It's electric.
And I also wonder the sicknessthat I have right now.
Yeah, it could just be a cold orwhatever the fuck, but I also
feel like it's a purging.
It's an opportunity to releaseand create space to cleanse the
(09:40):
vessel for what is next.
So on the edge of cracking openthe chrysalis, I've been in the
chrysalis.
We've talked about thebutterfly.
I believe we've talked about thebutterfly and the caterpillar.
pillar and all that shit andbeing in the chrysalis and how
you turn it to goo and that'snot sexy it's not fun at all but
it's necessary you have todissolve like you really have to
(10:04):
dissolve all of the differentlayers the different versions
the different programs all of itand out of that you create
something else lighter right andthat's another thing I've been
really really heavy mentally,physically, emotionally.
(10:26):
And there was a relationshipwith my body that was extremely
traumatic, you know, and Ihesitate to use that word.
I was about to say dysfunctionalthat too, but the heaviness has
been a physical representationof the energy, the energetic
heaviness that I've beencarrying since a little girl,
(10:47):
all of the stuff.
Right.
And in order to fly, There hasto be a certain level of
engineering, of dynamics thatallows you to be able to hold
yourself up in space.
You can't be heavy.
(11:09):
You can't be too heavy, right?
Your wings either have to beextremely large.
And now I'm getting into someother shit.
But my point is, you got torelease that weight, right?
And it starts energetically.
It starts...
emotionally, mentally, becausewhat happens is, and I've done
(11:29):
this, I've released the weightphysically, but I was still very
much heavy mentally,emotionally, spiritually,
energetically.
So what the fuck happened?
It came back physically.
So now this last iteration, andI said last, huh?
Okay.
This last iteration of cominginto harmony with my body has
(11:54):
been extremely slow going.
I've refused to do a lot of theold things I've done before as
far as like fasting.
And so, you know, potentialtrigger warning for those who
have distorted eating habits.
But I refuse to fast.
I refuse to do keto.
I refuse to do Atkins.
I refuse to take pills.
Although I've thought about it.
(12:14):
I actually bought some and Itook them and they fucked me up.
So I took them twice and I waslike, no, I've considered the
medication.
Like I've considered all ofthese things and not to say, you
know, that at some point extratools or resources won't be a
part of my process, but for nowthey cannot.
I actually got a prescriptionfor one of those, I think it was
(12:36):
Zetbound.
And then my insurance was like,hell no, we ain't giving it to
you.
It's$1,300 a month.
I was like, and no, that's notgoing to happen.
But the point is this time, therelationship with my body had to
start spiritually.
It had to start emotionally.
I had to really change myrelationship with my body on an
(13:00):
energetic level before I couldreally begin to facilitate that
on a physical level.
And I am still working throughall of that.
I've began to facilitate itsomewhat physically as I am
still navigating a lot of thebaggage and the trauma from shit
(13:27):
40 years ago.
Right.
And it's been an interesting,um, Journey compared to how I've
done it in the past, where itwas a form of punishment and
abuse, self-abuse before, wherenow I am really switching in to
self-appreciation.
I don't I don't use self-lovebecause sometimes I get
(13:51):
sometimes that gets soconvoluted again, using words
without really having thesubstance.
So self-appreciation is what Iwill use.
And this is really helping memove closer to that edge of
cracking open the chrysalis andbeing on the precipice of
(14:12):
embodying and being in theexistence of confidence.
So circling all the way back,this Say That Shit September is
an honoring of self.
It's a just saying the thing,right?
No extra, no jazz hands, nosugar on it, no downplaying it,
(14:35):
no minimizing it, no minimizingit.
Minimizing what?
No, minimizing it.
Just saying the fucking truthand how people receive it is not
my problem.
Right.
Because that was a part of theissue before.
Oh, people don't think I'mcocky.
People don't think I'm, youknow, I'm doing too much.
(14:56):
People don't.
Who gives a fuck?
Right.
If my truth is.
If the truth makes other peoplefeel a way, then that is a them
thing.
And I get to be in thediscomfort of I get to be in the
(15:18):
discomfort of knowing that thereis nothing for me to do about
it.
Right.
And that is another thing I'vebeen working on, just sitting in
the discomfort of not trying tofix change or pacify or
anything, just being in thediscomfort that it is not my
motherfucking job.
UNKNOWN (15:38):
Whew.
SPEAKER_00 (15:38):
And that's been a process, even in my own
household, learning to just letpeople be, right?
That it is not my job to fix,change anything.
That if people are in a funk,they get to be in a funk.
And I get to be hit.
I get to be in the discomfort ofknowing it is not my job to fix
(15:59):
or change it.
And that I am not a bad personbecause I cannot.
Oh my God, y'all, that has beensuch a difficult thing for me.
To understand that it is not myresponsibility and I am not a
bad person if I can't changepeople's moods or make it better
or, you know, save or fix.
(16:21):
I just sit with the knowing thatthat's not mine.
But I've been conditioned, goingback to that, to fix change, to
pacify, to do something forsomeone when they are not in a
good space.
Even if they don't ask,especially if they don't ask.
(16:45):
I am practicing not doing thatbecause what I've learned is
that I've given so much of thatenergy to others that I've left
very, very little for myself.
And then that's where theresentment, that's when the
resentment comes in.
And that is no one else'sresponsibility or issue but
mine, right?
So full circle, right?
What is my responsibility?
(17:06):
What is it?
And I have fought against beingresponsible or being in a
position and being in a positionof leadership because for me
that sounded like additionalresponsibility and I already had
such a I don't know what word touse such a complicated
(17:30):
relationship with the idea ofresponsibility because I thought
everything was my responsibilityespecially in my household
especially as a kid right right?
That I'm responsible foreveryone's wellbeing.
So the idea of being inleadership, the idea of doing
that type of shit, like you wantme to add extra responsibility
and even success.
(17:52):
Success felt like extra shit.
It felt like responsibilitybecause once you're successful,
now you got to maintain thatshit.
And sometimes that's the hardestthing, right?
People don't always seem tounderstand, like you can reach a
certain height, butmotherfucker, you got to
maintain that.
Just like when you lose weight,now you got to be in maintenance
mode because people be up anddown that motherfucking yo-yo
(18:13):
and saying people get money orthey reach a level of success
and then they lose all that shitbecause they don't know how to
maintain it and so for me that'swhat leadership felt like
responsibility for me becauseyou have to maintain that level
of success because when you goup it's real easy as fuck to go
(18:33):
back down and I personallyfucking refuse to do that
because for me if you aresuccessful, you're also
responsible for not justyourself, but for others.
And I don't want to disappointanybody.
So if I'm in a position ofsuccess, I understood and I
understand that that comes witha lot of responsibility and
(18:57):
other people are counting onyou.
And in order to maintain that,you have to be in the right
relationship with yourself.
And I was not.
But as I am on this journey,trajectory of leadership and
responsibility, it has forced meto recognize what I am actually
(19:19):
responsible for.
Because I cannot be in aposition where I am responsible
for all of these things if I amalso holding responsibility for
things that are not mine.
Something's going to have tofucking give.
Right?
And it's giving.
(19:40):
And it's creating space for meto actually step into what is my
role.
And it's a big one.
And if I allow myself to thinkabout it enough, it scares the
hell out of me because I'm awareof how much responsibility it
holds.
And I am still in the midst ofchanging that complicated
(20:02):
relationship, of shifting it.
So for those who are inpositions of leadership, nothing
has forced me to reckon withmyself as much as being a parent
and being an entrepreneur in aposition of leadership.
I've been a solo entrepreneur,that shit's easy compared to
(20:23):
having a team and having avision that encompasses others.
Solo is just you, right?
Hey, that shit for me is easy.
I am so good at doing me bymyself.
But those two roles, parenthoodand leadership, right?
(20:45):
And they're very similar becauseyou're responsible for something
other than yourself.
So, um, If you are in a positionof leadership, if you're a
(21:17):
parent and you ain't done yourmotherfucking work, I can
guarantee that you are leadingfrom your wound and you are
causing harm.
I've caused harm.
When I have inadvertentlyparented from my wound, when I
have inadvertently parented fromor led from the wound, I've
caused harm.
(21:38):
And I had to be honest.
Well, I didn't have to.
Like, we ain't gotta do shit.
But I chose to be honest aboutthat.
To shift, to pivot, and torepair.
But that comes with a level ofradical honesty that a lot of
people aren't willing to do.
(22:00):
But I invite it.
I invite it.
Because a lot of us are on theedge of.
We are on the precipice ofchange.
This next iteration of being, ofexisting.
The whole world is on theprecipice.
(22:21):
And you're either going tofucking fly or you're not.
I got my wings.
What about you?
This is DocuRock.
I'm out.
Peace.
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