Soft as Suede...

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Something like a stream of consciousness, a little like a poem.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I'm on the edge of something.
My little girl has been showingup more since I've gotten back
from sex down south and had myfirst intentional scene.
I will have to share thatexperience in a different
podcast episode because thisisn't about that.
This is about me reckoning withwhat does it mean to be soft?

(00:23):
Am I supposed to be soft?
What does that look like?
I thought about my parenting andhow I can be compassionate.
I can be kind.
I can be empathetic.
I can soothe.
I can listen.
And I can understand.
But I'm not soft.

(00:46):
And then I thought to myself, mygentleness is gritty.
There's edges to it.
There's a rough texture to it.
And then I said to myself, I'msoft as suede.
I'm not a brick.
I'm not a wall.
I'm not rocks or pebbles.
I'm textured.
I'm fabric that can hold you,that can secure you.

(01:13):
that might initially feelsoothing, but after a while it
can be rough.
It might not be something youwant to be encased in all of the
time.
I'm as soft as suede.
My gentleness is gritty.
I got your back.
I will do anything I can forthose I care about.

(01:38):
But it often comes with a gruffvoice, with a side eye, with a
plate of food cooked with loveand irritation.
Because my gentleness is gritty,I'm a soft suede.
I love fiercely.
I'm a warrior, wounded,persistent, relentless.

(02:02):
I love from the death of my souland from the marrow of my bones,
but I don't always like to givehugs.
That softness taps into a partof me that is sacred, that is
scared, that has lived in shadowfor four decades.

(02:26):
Softness is a vulnerability thatI never had an opportunity to
experience.
So thinking now as my little, asmy younger self, as my inner
child begins to peek its headfrom behind the wall from which
it has hidden as a form ofprotection.

(02:46):
But it's interesting becausebehind that wall they created
that wall as a support foreverything and everyone else on
the other side of it.
So at the one hand, it served tosecure, but it also served to

(03:08):
sever the connection to the oneon the other side, which was my
little self.
I created a wall, a barrier, tocreate solid foundations for
those who might need to restupon it for the weary.
While on the other side of it, Ididn't rest.

(03:30):
I propped it up with sheer will.
And so now, my gentleness isgritty.
I'm a soft as suave.
But I feel something happening,something changing, the texture
shifting.
The suede has gotten worn.

(03:52):
It's aged.
It's become supple.
What was once rough and a bit offriction when you rubbed against
it has now gotten shiny and wornin places.

(04:15):
What once seemed uncomfortablewith long wear is almost like a
second skin.
So maybe being soft as suedeisn't as gritty as it used to
be.
I'm on the edge of something.