August 4, 2025 • 16 mins
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
I'm on the edge of something.
This is a real raw transmission.
In the middle of tears and allthat shit Just got back home
from a quote-unquote vacationOne that I've taken almost
yearly for the last decade We goto Wisconsin Dells And it cracks
(00:26):
me up when people are like, whatthe hell is that?
What do you mean?
Everyone should know whatWisconsin Dells is So it's a
place in the Midwest They havelots of water parks and
amusement parks and things likethat take my kids where they go
yearly and I've gone with themmost of the time except for when
(00:47):
I had to work but that's adifferent conversation anyway go
this year now my kids are oldernow my oldest is 17 my youngest
twins are 14 and this was themost exhausting vacation I've
ever been on in my life andthat's saying something because
I've had some pretty fucked upvacations but this was the most
(01:11):
exhausting thing on so manylevels, on a cellular level.
And not because anything badhappened, not because none of
that.
It was because I recognized justhow much, just how codependent I
am and just how much I focus oneveryone else's happiness.
(01:36):
To the detriment of my own, Ispent the entire vacation
checking in with everybody.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you good?
Are you okay?
You seem bored or you seemfrustrated or whatever.
Even if I wasn't verbalizingthose things, that's what's in
my mind.
The entire time.
(01:57):
The entire time.
To the point where I even saidto my kids, like, when y'all
were younger, I didn't have towonder as much if y'all were
having a good time.
It was evident, right?
Kids giggle and they laugh andeverything else.
But you know how teens be.
It just be deadpan.
Just be real meh.
You know?
Unless it's something over thetop.
You can't really tell if they'reenjoying themselves.
(02:21):
And so I spent the entire timefeeling shitty.
Because I'm to myself, they'renot having fun.
Maybe we've done this too long.
Maybe, you know, they'veoutgrown this place, right?
They're teens now.
And I could not relax for morethan five minutes at a time
(02:41):
because I was so hyper-focusedon their comfort.
And they was all like, we good,we straight.
Like, you know, it's all good.
And even if it wasn't, Istruggle so much with just being
okay with people I care about.
Not being okay or just beingmeh.
(03:03):
Like if people aren't expressinghappiness or joy or glee, I feel
like I'm failing.
And the thing about it is I knowthis mentally.
I know that I'm not responsiblefor other people's emotional
state.
I know this, but my body doesn'tgive a fuck about what I know.
(03:26):
my body is on high alert 24fucking 7 trying to ensure that
everyone else was okay and ithas never been more evident that
this is an issue until thisvacation and I probably got on I
probably got on their damnnerves with the constant asking
(03:49):
if they were okay and I've comewe were there for 7 days and Got
back yesterday.
Today is Sunday.
We got back Saturday.
And I feel so depleted.
And I'm so frustrated withmyself.
Because I know what the issueis.
(04:11):
And here's the thing when wetalk about healing and trauma
and shit like that, andsometimes talk therapy doesn't
get to the root because I knowintellectually what the fuck is
happening.
I know exactly what ishappening.
I know where it's coming from.
I know all of that.
But my knowing doesn't mean shitbecause my body still feels like
in order to be safe, in order tobe valued, in order to be okay,
(04:36):
I have to make sure Everythingand everyone else around me is.
Doesn't matter what the fuck Ithink.
Doesn't matter what I know.
That's how my body feels.
We're talking about nervoussystem.
My nervous system does not feelsafe if the people around me do
not seem okay.
(04:57):
Despite the fact that I knowthat's not my responsibility.
That's just what the fuck it is.
And me working to rewire this,to figure this out, has been the
most exhausting shit I've everdone in my life.
And that's not hyperbole.
It's not, that's real shit.
This is difficult.
(05:18):
And I think we understate thedifficulty of rewiring our
nervous system.
Like we see shit online andlike, oh, just do this, do the
box breath, do this.
And not saying those thingsdon't work, but this shit takes
time, right?
And in a microwave society wherewe want every fucking thing to
happen instantly.
(05:38):
And even I said to myself today,like, I'm so over this.
Why am I not fixed yet?
Why am I still dealing withthis?
I feel like I should be donewith this already.
I have been doing the work foryears.
Why the fuck is this still anissue?
And here's the thing.
I've been, again, doing the workemotionally.
(06:00):
I've been doing the workmentally.
However, when it comes time todo this work physically, nervous
systemally, I often disrupt thediscomfort, right?
Because what this will requireis for me to be really
uncomfortable, for me to sit inthe feeling that people around
(06:21):
me are not happy or they'rebored or they're upset.
and not do shit about it.
Just be like, okay, it's not myresponsibility to fix or change.
I just need to be with thefeeling of discomfort and guilt.
I need to allow myself to feelthis guilt because I am not
(06:43):
putting on a cape to go fuckingfix or save that I take the
fucking cape off and I just sitwith the discomfort of knowing
that it is not my job and it isnot my responsibility.
What also comes with that,though, is that if my entire
identity has been attached tothis archetype of saving and
(07:08):
fixing, then who the fuck isyour linda when she takes the
cape off i can i can be scaredor i can be excited right
because those two feelings shareshare similar energy right
(07:28):
feared excitement share similarenergy it is how we embody it
that is different I can beexcited about who Yolinda gets
to be without the cape, right?
That's abundant.
Or I could think about who I nolonger am if I take the cape
off, and that's a deficit.
(07:51):
I'm kind of wired to look at thedeficit.
That's my default.
That's where I want to lean.
but allowing myself to beexcited about who Yolinda gets
to be when she's not scanning,when she's not bracing, when
(08:13):
she's not attempting to fix,when she's not self-sacrificing,
when she just gets to breathe.
Yeah.
What does that get to be?
And even as that is exciting,that's still scary as shit.
I just got admitted to itbecause it's like, wow, I've
(08:35):
been this way for 44 plus years.
Fuck.
And a part of me feel like it'stoo late to change.
Like, fuck it, just ride thisshit out.
There's a part of me that says,you're too fucking old to do
anything different.
Just ride this shit out.
You know, you got this far.
(08:55):
Just ride it out.
And I re-fucking-fuse.
I refuse.
And I know this is going to bedifficult.
I know this is going to beheavy.
I know people are going to havea response to it because I've
trained them because of my ownprogramming.
I've trained everyone around meto expect me to show up in this
(09:17):
way.
And now I'm going to dosomething different.
And part of me is like, well, Ihave to manage people's
expectations.
I have to manage how theyrespond.
And then I'm like, well, no, youdon't.
oh man this is like taking a newroute when you go to work a
certain route you're used togoing that way you've been going
(09:38):
that way to work for like 10years and now for whatever
reason you have to go a newroute and when you're on
autopilot you automatically gothe old route and you're like
fuck because now you didn't losttime you got to turn around
because that road is blocked youcan't go that way anymore and
you waste fucking time andenergy and you might be late you
might lose money you might loseyour fucking job Because you're
(10:01):
still on autopilot.
I can't afford to be onautopilot.
And being on takes energy.
The reason autopilot is a thingfor humans is because it allows
us to save energy by doingthings we've always done.
Like we don't really have tothink about how to brush our
teeth anymore.
(10:21):
Once you've done it for so manytimes, it just becomes
automatic.
But when you do new things,that's when the effort, that's
when you have to be conscious.
You have to be online.
And being online takes morejuice, takes more energy.
And part of me is like, I don'tfucking want to do that.
I'm exhausted.
(10:41):
I don't want to put energytowards shithouse.
And then that's when a part ofme has to remind myself that I'm
worth the fucking effort.
I am worth the energy.
And then a little part of methat is rooted in lack and
you're not good enough andyou're inadequate.
(11:02):
It's like, well, maybe you'renot worth the effort.
Maybe that's why we haven't beendoing it because we're just not
fucking worth it.
And then you think about like,If you think about all the
different parts, the differentvoices that aren't necessarily
trying to fuck with you, aren'ttrying to sabotage you, they're
(11:23):
just operating from what theyknow, operating from what
they've experienced, right?
It's their version of truth.
And attempting to get all ofthose parts on the same
wavelength.
You got to bring them to thetable.
You got to listen to them.
You got to acknowledge them.
(11:44):
I get it.
You know, at one point in time,that viewpoint was valid.
It saved us.
It got us to where we are.
And now we've evolved, right?
All of the different parts,letting them know as an entity,
we've evolved.
I've evolved.
(12:06):
And this next evolution, allthis shit has been
uncomfortable.
I was about to say this nextevolution is going to be real
uncomfortable, but what hasn'tbeen?
You know, like, fuck it.
I guess I'm built for it.
It just makes me think of thework I'm doing with Therapeutic
BDSM with Kipsa, the KingProfessional Standards Alliance,
(12:27):
but more so just thinking abouthow we use somatic work, right?
to really help us get into thebody, how it helped us to rewire
our systems because knowing shitand embodying it are two very
different things.
(12:48):
And that's how therapeutic BDSMcame to be because I am very
insightful.
I'm very much mentally aware ofthe things, but it was not
helping the rage.
It was not helping the fear, wasnot helping me feel safe or home
in my body.
And so one day in a dungeon inSan Francisco, I saw a
(13:09):
possibility.
I saw a possibility.
I saw a catharsis happen.
I saw people really letting goof shit that their mind couldn't
help them release on its own.
And I wanted some of that.
And that was the birth oftherapeutic BDSM because I
wanted help and I wanted relief.
(13:33):
I cannot wait until this issuper up and running and we have
all type of therapists and prosand educators and everyone
working together because I'mgoing to be first in fucking
line.
For this method, like I want itfor me.
I truly do.
And I could tell you all a storyabout how I was on the verge of
(13:54):
starting this process.
But see, you know what?
Universe, spirit, source, God,whatever works in mysterious
ways, because I was introducedto someone who said, hey, you
know, I can walk you throughthis.
I'm like, yes, I need to be.
I need to be a test case forthis as the one who's putting it
together.
And I told this person all of mybusiness, all of my childhood
trauma, everything else was viamessaged her on Facebook and it
(14:17):
was like, I got you, I got you.
And then they basically ghostedme.
And this was, this was nottherapeutic BDSM because I
wasn't working with a clinician.
I wasn't working with a pro, butI together right in
collaboration, I was workingwith a dom or I was planning to,
I wanted to work with them tolike get the experience of, you
know, the somatic work of BDSMand they ghosted me.
(14:42):
And you know what?
That triggered a whole lot ofshit.
Disappointment, abandonment,whatever.
But what it really told me wasthat wasn't the way to do it.
Like that wasn't therapy toBDSM.
So how the fuck, you know, like,what are you doing?
I just wanted relief.
And I was ready to bypass my ownfucking, my own fucking
(15:05):
framework to get it.
So I'm grateful that didn't workout because I want the real
thing and I'm looking forward toit.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it.
We need some pros in Chicagobecause that's where I'm at.
We have a clinician or two who'sgone through the training.
(15:27):
Now we need some pros because Iwant to get this work done.
I want to be one of the firstcase studies of this.
Because, yeah, I could use somesupport navigating this
retirement of my martyrdom.
I'm over it.
And me doing gene keys andastrology and doing my own
(15:49):
somatic work, all that stuff,it's gotten me very far.
But now I need something else.
And maybe therapeutic BDSM isit.
I think it is.
And with that, I think I'm done.
To the edge of, to the edge ofmartyrdom being done with it, to
(16:12):
the edge of self-sacrifice, tothe edge of old wounds and
patterns, to the edge of theYolanda that was, so that the
Yolanda that is can actually be.
(16:34):
This is DocuRock.
I'm out.
I'm on the edge of something.
This is a real raw transmission.
In the middle of tears and allthat shit Just got back home
from a quote-unquote vacationOne that I've taken almost
yearly for the last decade We goto Wisconsin Dells And it cracks
(00:26):
me up when people are like, whatthe hell is that?
What do you mean?
Everyone should know whatWisconsin Dells is So it's a
place in the Midwest They havelots of water parks and
amusement parks and things likethat take my kids where they go
yearly and I've gone with themmost of the time except for when
(00:47):
I had to work but that's adifferent conversation anyway go
this year now my kids are oldernow my oldest is 17 my youngest
twins are 14 and this was themost exhausting vacation I've
ever been on in my life andthat's saying something because
I've had some pretty fucked upvacations but this was the most
(01:11):
exhausting thing on so manylevels, on a cellular level.
And not because anything badhappened, not because none of
that.
It was because I recognized justhow much, just how codependent I
am and just how much I focus oneveryone else's happiness.
(01:36):
To the detriment of my own, Ispent the entire vacation
checking in with everybody.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
Are you good?
Are you okay?
You seem bored or you seemfrustrated or whatever.
Even if I wasn't verbalizingthose things, that's what's in
my mind.
The entire time.
(01:57):
The entire time.
To the point where I even saidto my kids, like, when y'all
were younger, I didn't have towonder as much if y'all were
having a good time.
It was evident, right?
Kids giggle and they laugh andeverything else.
But you know how teens be.
It just be deadpan.
Just be real meh.
You know?
Unless it's something over thetop.
You can't really tell if they'reenjoying themselves.
(02:21):
And so I spent the entire timefeeling shitty.
Because I'm to myself, they'renot having fun.
Maybe we've done this too long.
Maybe, you know, they'veoutgrown this place, right?
They're teens now.
And I could not relax for morethan five minutes at a time
(02:41):
because I was so hyper-focusedon their comfort.
And they was all like, we good,we straight.
Like, you know, it's all good.
And even if it wasn't, Istruggle so much with just being
okay with people I care about.
Not being okay or just beingmeh.
(03:03):
Like if people aren't expressinghappiness or joy or glee, I feel
like I'm failing.
And the thing about it is I knowthis mentally.
I know that I'm not responsiblefor other people's emotional
state.
I know this, but my body doesn'tgive a fuck about what I know.
(03:26):
my body is on high alert 24fucking 7 trying to ensure that
everyone else was okay and ithas never been more evident that
this is an issue until thisvacation and I probably got on I
probably got on their damnnerves with the constant asking
(03:49):
if they were okay and I've comewe were there for 7 days and Got
back yesterday.
Today is Sunday.
We got back Saturday.
And I feel so depleted.
And I'm so frustrated withmyself.
Because I know what the issueis.
(04:11):
And here's the thing when wetalk about healing and trauma
and shit like that, andsometimes talk therapy doesn't
get to the root because I knowintellectually what the fuck is
happening.
I know exactly what ishappening.
I know where it's coming from.
I know all of that.
But my knowing doesn't mean shitbecause my body still feels like
in order to be safe, in order tobe valued, in order to be okay,
(04:36):
I have to make sure Everythingand everyone else around me is.
Doesn't matter what the fuck Ithink.
Doesn't matter what I know.
That's how my body feels.
We're talking about nervoussystem.
My nervous system does not feelsafe if the people around me do
not seem okay.
(04:57):
Despite the fact that I knowthat's not my responsibility.
That's just what the fuck it is.
And me working to rewire this,to figure this out, has been the
most exhausting shit I've everdone in my life.
And that's not hyperbole.
It's not, that's real shit.
This is difficult.
(05:18):
And I think we understate thedifficulty of rewiring our
nervous system.
Like we see shit online andlike, oh, just do this, do the
box breath, do this.
And not saying those thingsdon't work, but this shit takes
time, right?
And in a microwave society wherewe want every fucking thing to
happen instantly.
(05:38):
And even I said to myself today,like, I'm so over this.
Why am I not fixed yet?
Why am I still dealing withthis?
I feel like I should be donewith this already.
I have been doing the work foryears.
Why the fuck is this still anissue?
And here's the thing.
I've been, again, doing the workemotionally.
(06:00):
I've been doing the workmentally.
However, when it comes time todo this work physically, nervous
systemally, I often disrupt thediscomfort, right?
Because what this will requireis for me to be really
uncomfortable, for me to sit inthe feeling that people around
(06:21):
me are not happy or they'rebored or they're upset.
and not do shit about it.
Just be like, okay, it's not myresponsibility to fix or change.
I just need to be with thefeeling of discomfort and guilt.
I need to allow myself to feelthis guilt because I am not
(06:43):
putting on a cape to go fuckingfix or save that I take the
fucking cape off and I just sitwith the discomfort of knowing
that it is not my job and it isnot my responsibility.
What also comes with that,though, is that if my entire
identity has been attached tothis archetype of saving and
(07:08):
fixing, then who the fuck isyour linda when she takes the
cape off i can i can be scaredor i can be excited right
because those two feelings shareshare similar energy right
(07:28):
feared excitement share similarenergy it is how we embody it
that is different I can beexcited about who Yolinda gets
to be without the cape, right?
That's abundant.
Or I could think about who I nolonger am if I take the cape
off, and that's a deficit.
(07:51):
I'm kind of wired to look at thedeficit.
That's my default.
That's where I want to lean.
but allowing myself to beexcited about who Yolinda gets
to be when she's not scanning,when she's not bracing, when
(08:13):
she's not attempting to fix,when she's not self-sacrificing,
when she just gets to breathe.
Yeah.
What does that get to be?
And even as that is exciting,that's still scary as shit.
I just got admitted to itbecause it's like, wow, I've
(08:35):
been this way for 44 plus years.
Fuck.
And a part of me feel like it'stoo late to change.
Like, fuck it, just ride thisshit out.
There's a part of me that says,you're too fucking old to do
anything different.
Just ride this shit out.
You know, you got this far.
(08:55):
Just ride it out.
And I re-fucking-fuse.
I refuse.
And I know this is going to bedifficult.
I know this is going to beheavy.
I know people are going to havea response to it because I've
trained them because of my ownprogramming.
I've trained everyone around meto expect me to show up in this
(09:17):
way.
And now I'm going to dosomething different.
And part of me is like, well, Ihave to manage people's
expectations.
I have to manage how theyrespond.
And then I'm like, well, no, youdon't.
oh man this is like taking a newroute when you go to work a
certain route you're used togoing that way you've been going
(09:38):
that way to work for like 10years and now for whatever
reason you have to go a newroute and when you're on
autopilot you automatically gothe old route and you're like
fuck because now you didn't losttime you got to turn around
because that road is blocked youcan't go that way anymore and
you waste fucking time andenergy and you might be late you
might lose money you might loseyour fucking job Because you're
(10:01):
still on autopilot.
I can't afford to be onautopilot.
And being on takes energy.
The reason autopilot is a thingfor humans is because it allows
us to save energy by doingthings we've always done.
Like we don't really have tothink about how to brush our
teeth anymore.
(10:21):
Once you've done it for so manytimes, it just becomes
automatic.
But when you do new things,that's when the effort, that's
when you have to be conscious.
You have to be online.
And being online takes morejuice, takes more energy.
And part of me is like, I don'tfucking want to do that.
I'm exhausted.
(10:41):
I don't want to put energytowards shithouse.
And then that's when a part ofme has to remind myself that I'm
worth the fucking effort.
I am worth the energy.
And then a little part of methat is rooted in lack and
you're not good enough andyou're inadequate.
(11:02):
It's like, well, maybe you'renot worth the effort.
Maybe that's why we haven't beendoing it because we're just not
fucking worth it.
And then you think about like,If you think about all the
different parts, the differentvoices that aren't necessarily
trying to fuck with you, aren'ttrying to sabotage you, they're
(11:23):
just operating from what theyknow, operating from what
they've experienced, right?
It's their version of truth.
And attempting to get all ofthose parts on the same
wavelength.
You got to bring them to thetable.
You got to listen to them.
You got to acknowledge them.
(11:44):
I get it.
You know, at one point in time,that viewpoint was valid.
It saved us.
It got us to where we are.
And now we've evolved, right?
All of the different parts,letting them know as an entity,
we've evolved.
I've evolved.
(12:06):
And this next evolution, allthis shit has been
uncomfortable.
I was about to say this nextevolution is going to be real
uncomfortable, but what hasn'tbeen?
You know, like, fuck it.
I guess I'm built for it.
It just makes me think of thework I'm doing with Therapeutic
BDSM with Kipsa, the KingProfessional Standards Alliance,
(12:27):
but more so just thinking abouthow we use somatic work, right?
to really help us get into thebody, how it helped us to rewire
our systems because knowing shitand embodying it are two very
different things.
(12:48):
And that's how therapeutic BDSMcame to be because I am very
insightful.
I'm very much mentally aware ofthe things, but it was not
helping the rage.
It was not helping the fear, wasnot helping me feel safe or home
in my body.
And so one day in a dungeon inSan Francisco, I saw a
(13:09):
possibility.
I saw a possibility.
I saw a catharsis happen.
I saw people really letting goof shit that their mind couldn't
help them release on its own.
And I wanted some of that.
And that was the birth oftherapeutic BDSM because I
wanted help and I wanted relief.
(13:33):
I cannot wait until this issuper up and running and we have
all type of therapists and prosand educators and everyone
working together because I'mgoing to be first in fucking
line.
For this method, like I want itfor me.
I truly do.
And I could tell you all a storyabout how I was on the verge of
(13:54):
starting this process.
But see, you know what?
Universe, spirit, source, God,whatever works in mysterious
ways, because I was introducedto someone who said, hey, you
know, I can walk you throughthis.
I'm like, yes, I need to be.
I need to be a test case forthis as the one who's putting it
together.
And I told this person all of mybusiness, all of my childhood
trauma, everything else was viamessaged her on Facebook and it
(14:17):
was like, I got you, I got you.
And then they basically ghostedme.
And this was, this was nottherapeutic BDSM because I
wasn't working with a clinician.
I wasn't working with a pro, butI together right in
collaboration, I was workingwith a dom or I was planning to,
I wanted to work with them tolike get the experience of, you
know, the somatic work of BDSMand they ghosted me.
(14:42):
And you know what?
That triggered a whole lot ofshit.
Disappointment, abandonment,whatever.
But what it really told me wasthat wasn't the way to do it.
Like that wasn't therapy toBDSM.
So how the fuck, you know, like,what are you doing?
I just wanted relief.
And I was ready to bypass my ownfucking, my own fucking
(15:05):
framework to get it.
So I'm grateful that didn't workout because I want the real
thing and I'm looking forward toit.
Yeah.
I'm looking forward to it.
We need some pros in Chicagobecause that's where I'm at.
We have a clinician or two who'sgone through the training.
(15:27):
Now we need some pros because Iwant to get this work done.
I want to be one of the firstcase studies of this.
Because, yeah, I could use somesupport navigating this
retirement of my martyrdom.
I'm over it.
And me doing gene keys andastrology and doing my own
(15:49):
somatic work, all that stuff,it's gotten me very far.
But now I need something else.
And maybe therapeutic BDSM isit.
I think it is.
And with that, I think I'm done.
To the edge of, to the edge ofmartyrdom being done with it, to
(16:12):
the edge of self-sacrifice, tothe edge of old wounds and
patterns, to the edge of theYolanda that was, so that the
Yolanda that is can actually be.
(16:34):
This is DocuRock.
I'm out.
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Cardiac Cowboys
The heart was always off-limits to surgeons. Cutting into it spelled instant death for the patient. That is, until a ragtag group of doctors scattered across the Midwest and Texas decided to throw out the rule book. Working in makeshift laboratories and home garages, using medical devices made from scavenged machine parts and beer tubes, these men and women invented the field of open heart surgery. Odds are, someone you know is alive because of them. So why has history left them behind? Presented by Chris Pine, CARDIAC COWBOYS tells the gripping true story behind the birth of heart surgery, and the young, Greatest Generation doctors who made it happen. For years, they competed and feuded, racing to be the first, the best, and the most prolific. Some appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, operated on kings and advised presidents. Others ended up disgraced, penniless, and convicted of felonies. Together, they ignited a revolution in medicine, and changed the world.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.