March 24, 2025 • 53 mins
Truth-telling might be one of the most radical acts of self-love we can practice, yet many of us struggle to speak authentically even to those closest to us. This transformative conversation with Stephanie Canavesio explores why we get trapped in people-pleasing patterns and how our bodies eventually rebel when we betray our authentic selves.
Stephanie shares her powerful journey from addiction and disconnection to wholeness, revealing how her own breakdown became the breakthrough that allowed her to finally honor her truth. She explains that our physical symptoms—whether back pain, exhaustion, or illness—are messages from our body saying "no" to situations that no longer serve us. Through guided practices, she demonstrates how we can pause, breathe, and listen to these sensations with curiosity rather than judgment.
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as we explore how relationships mirror our emotional wounding, creating perfect opportunities for growth if we're willing to turn inward rather than blame others. Stephanie shares a deeply vulnerable moment when speaking her truth almost ended her marriage—but instead transformed it into something far more authentic and fulfilling. This becomes a powerful reminder that the people who truly love us will celebrate our authentic selves, not the carefully crafted versions we present to gain approval.
Perhaps most moving is the exploration of inner child work as a gateway to self-connection. Through a beautiful guided exercise, Stephanie demonstrates how visualizing and nurturing our five-year-old self can reveal what we truly need beyond the noise of societal expectations. The episode concludes with a profound insight: the most important person you need to impress isn't your boss, partner, or friends—it's your inner child who's been waiting for your attention all along.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Because as long as we're stuck in that tangly web
of blame the blame game,especially in relationships,
because we also meet partnersthat are at the same I found in
my experience at the same levelof emotional wounding as
ourselves, and it's a greatopportunity for growth.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Hello everyone, thank you for joining me today.
Today's episode is withStephanie Canavizio.
Now, stephanie is a dear friendand somebody who I respect and
admire for all her spiritualwork.
This session was such anenlightening episode because it
really does guide us into who weare and how to really accept,
(00:55):
appreciate and love ourselves.
Now, essentially, we think thatloving ourselves is just giving
ourselves a hug or a kindaffirmation, which that can be
part of it, but we dive evendeeper into what really
self-love is and self-acceptanceis and healing is, and we
actually do talk about someinner child work.
(01:15):
I'm very excited for today and Ican't wait for you guys to
watch this episode withStephanie, because it is such a
light and enlightening episode.
So enjoy and I'll see you guys.
Thank you for the ongoingsupport.
I also want to mention thatit's important to highlight the
sponsors of this show, and AnitaTutoring is one of them.
(01:36):
She's such an important personfor children.
She's been a teacher for many,many years and I adore her style
and her method of teaching and,most importantly, her
philosophy.
So definitely utilize hertutoring services.
You will not regret it, becauseshe's such a wonderful,
wonderful asset to the community.
Thank you Great, all right,stephanie Canavezio right.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Yeah, that's it Perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Such an honor to have you on my show.
Thank you for joining me today.
Thank you for accepting myinvitation.
I love your work, I love yourenergy and I'm very, very
grateful that I get to talk toyou today.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Wonderful.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Wonderful.
Thank you for having meAbsolutely so.
I was on Instagram a few monthsago and I saw that you had
posted this amazing reel byElizabeth Gilbert and she was
talking about truth and thatvideo, stephanie, resonated with
me so much and I don't know ifit's just me, but I think that
(02:43):
this is something that, um, alot of people struggle with and
it's this truth right, tellingthe truth, speaking your truth.
So what she was portraying inthe video is basically, she
would, you know, she would lookat other people and tell them
(03:13):
what they want to hear.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, right, and so I've done that.
Have you done that, saying whatothers needed to hear, probably
out of a fear of not belongingor being rejected?
And it just makes me think whenyou say that, because I was
(03:39):
living in Nebraska.
Now I live in Ibiza, but I wasliving in Nebraska and I moved
to New York City, upper EastSide, like a completely
different dimension from mypublic school in Omaha, and I
learned very quickly that beingwho I was wasn't going to be
(04:00):
enough to belong to this newgroup of kids, going to be
enough to belong to this newgroup of kids, and that kind of
confirmed already my shyness andmy insecurity.
And, yeah, so not like learningto speak truth has probably
been the reason why I do what Ido today is because I was so
(04:23):
completely and utterlydisconnected from my own truth.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, I have to.
I understand that, I agree withyou, but I'm also in that, in
that stage as well.
But I would love to know if youwant to share like what, what
allowed you to really beconscious of that?
Like what stage or what did yougo through that you said what
is this?
Like, what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
That's a good question.
It probably like I, like I formyself anyway, I feel like with
such big themes, you can hear asmuch about them as you want,
but until you experience themfor yourselves, and with a
breakdown, a mental like I mean,we used to not talk about this
(05:15):
stuff before that much, it waslike the nervous breakdown.
Now it's quite common.
But in 2008, I realized, wow,I'm having super bad hangovers
all the time.
I'm doing drugs and I don'treally stop doing drugs even
(05:38):
though I know they're not goodfor me.
And I realized because Inoticed just how much I was
running to soothe myself thatthere was something inside that
was aching, and something insideme was my body.
My body was saying no, andthat's why Dr Gabor Mate, who I
(06:01):
was super lucky to meet at thattime, and read the book, I
realized, okay, my body issaying no, but why?
What is that?
Even like what's going oninside.
So then I went on my own journeyof self-discovery, which wasn't
a linear journey.
There was, no, wasn't a linearjourney.
(06:23):
It was really just kind of likerock and roll, diving into the
depths of my pain, withpsychedelic journeys, doing
(06:51):
breath work and just a lot ofdeep therapy that I began to
question what was going oninside of my head, that I was so
afraid to be authentic that Iwas willing to destroy my body.
I was willing to hate myself somuch, to betray myself so much
that, um, that I couldn't speakup.
(07:12):
I didn't.
I didn't know how to raise myhand and and talk.
Literally, I was so closed inwith myself and that's when I
understood oh wow, my innerworld is really different from
the outer world and it's reallyinsanity in here and I need help
(07:34):
.
And so I realized I needed toget sober.
I realized I needed to stop theaddictive behaviors, because I
started studying Buddhism in theearly 2000s.
I went to Nepal, I went toIndia, I went to Bhutan, and
there was a lot of teachingabout how obsessive behaviors
(07:59):
are keeping us from feeling andfrom, you know, the, the, the
things that we do to avoidfeeling the truth, and so yeah.
So then I, then I got sober,and then the, and then the shit
hit the fan, because once you'resober, then you're really
(08:21):
facing your fear and anxiety andall those things that I had
been educated in my Americanupbringing to numb with alcohol
and everybody just was justdrinking all the time in
Nebraska and my parent my, my,my mother never drank, but she
(08:43):
was always made fun of becauseshe didn't drink and no one was
talking about it, and my fatherwas an alcoholic, died from
alcoholism cancer-related tocigarettes and pharmaceutical
drugs.
And I think I just knew therewas a part of me inside of me
(09:08):
that knew I something needed tochange.
Otherwise I didn't yeah,Otherwise like, why am I on this
planet?
There must be more.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, you know, I love.
I love how you used really twoimportant words.
You said my body was telling meno and you also used the word
betraying myself, and those are.
So I mean, we're two therapistsright Talking how important it
is to really recognize when yourbody says no and how you're
(09:44):
betraying yourself.
So I would love to dive intothis one.
So let's talk about some of theways, because there are
millions of people betrayingthemselves and there are
millions of people that suffer.
I mean, they're suffering,their bodies are talking to them
, but they're not listening.
So let's, I would love to guidepeople that are listening to
(10:07):
this podcast.
What, what are some of thesymptoms that people experience
when their body is saying no?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Well, may I invite you now to just take a moment to
pause in stillness and tune inand listen to what's happening
(10:35):
in terms of sensations.
Or is there tension?
Are you holding your shoulders?
Do you notice that you'regrasping?
Your hands are in fists?
I think, just the amount ofstress that we're experiencing
in our life.
We hold it without realizing it.
(10:55):
And so just take a moment andsoften and notice, when you ask
yourself, like what's alive forme in this now moment, If my
body could speak, what would itsay?
And you can get a lot ofinformation in that moment.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
So I invite you to open your eyes again.
Yeah, so you can.
I invite you to open your eyesagain.
It's just this simple act ofpausing in silence in a world
where we are bombarded, andtaking a moment to be still, to
listen, and not not listen toyour mind, but tapping into the
wisdom of your body, and I don'tknow what your body.
(11:46):
What did your body say, forinstance, when you ask it?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
When I close my eyes and I take a deep breath, my
body says my back hurts.
I have always been the type ofwoman when I'm stressed and when
I'm feeling overstimulated,overwhelmed, sad, all the
tension always goes back to myback and that's where I hold,
(12:13):
like the middle part of my backis where I hold attention.
So immediately, when youinvited me to that deep
breathing, I was like oh, Canyou tune in right now?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
To your back and you mentioned there's some sadness.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Yes, I'm feeling sad and yes.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
And in this moment, do you notice any emotions
underneath the tension or behindit?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Stress.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Stress.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
So stress would be a perception.
There is stress, but how doesit make you feel to be stressed?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Oh angry.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Okay, so it's anger.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
The feeling is anger for sure.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
And how does it feel just to pause and make space for
the?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
anger.
You know I have worked onfeeling that for such a long
time that I can bear with it.
Now it's I'm not going to sayit's uncomfortable, it's still
uncomfortable.
It's still uncomfortable tofeel it.
But I think I still need tounderstand how to express it
(13:18):
well.
I'm not, I don't know how toexpress it well, even though you
know, like we have thebackground, we have the
knowledge for it.
But when it comes to your ownlife and all the experiences
that you go through, you knowpeople need to also understand.
It's normal Like it's.
It's hard to stay with thatfeeling.
It's hard to work with thosefeelings.
It also understand it's normalLike it's.
It's hard to stay with thatfeeling.
It's hard to work with thosefeelings.
(13:39):
It is.
It's really difficult.
Especially anger, for me isreally hard.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Do you mind me asking if you tune in to the anger and
you ask the anger what she'smost angry about in this now
moment?
What do you hear?
Changes in this now moment.
What do you?
Speaker 2 (14:02):
hear.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Changes, yeah, changes, that's a big one, yeah.
And when you tune into theanger about the changes and just
, and we'll, we'll not go toodeep into this right now, but
when you ask the anger, thispart of you that's angry about
change, what does she need toknow in this now moment?
What do you hear?
Speaker 2 (14:21):
A few things come to mind, but I think the one thing
that ruminates in my mind issecurity, mm, hmm, yeah,
security.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Yeah, safety and security.
Yeah, security, yeah Safety andsecurity.
Yeah, and could you just pauseand maybe put a hand on your
heart and, with the frequency ofkindness, take a moment to just
acknowledge there's this partof you that is angry and about
(14:57):
the change and is just askingfor a sense of safety and
security.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
And can you offer that?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
but this time call in your higher self to assist you
that part of you that is wise,and see what happens.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I love that.
That when I think about thewiser or the higher self, it's
very safe and it's veryreassuring and that's beautiful.
And why I say that is because,yeah, I absolutely can sometimes
feel like you can't reach tosolve your own anxieties, but
(15:34):
what you just did is you'reallowing my mind to know that
wait, like you can reach for thewisdom, like you have it.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, and the mind is a beautiful, a beautiful
servant, but a terrible master,as someone said, and that I like
the analogy, the metaphor, themetaphor, I guess, of put your
beautiful mind in the passengerseat and put your higher self in
the driver's seat, oh, and seewhat happens just for a day.
(16:08):
Try it out.
And I think we underestimatebecause our minds are based in
the past and we are not ourthoughts, but our minds are
designed to keep us safe so thatsame things don't happen again.
It's like a it's like.
It's like living life with thebrakes on is when you spend your
(16:30):
time trying to analyze orfigure things out or think your
way through things.
Trying to analyze or figurethings out or think your way
through things, it it might.
It might work sometimes to docertain tasks, but for the
future that awaits us, I reallyfeel that I'm being asked to
step up into the new version ofmyself, and that new version of
(16:52):
myself.
My mind is not designed to knowwhat that is, because my mind,
remember, is limited.
It's based in the past, it'sdesigned to keep me safe, but
the new me, the person that thefuture is calling from me, the
one that I long for, my futureself.
(17:13):
She is rooting me on.
I feel her she's like go for it, but you're going to have to
leave all the ways that youthought you were behind, because
the new you is about reallycreating through trust and
(17:34):
understanding that there areintelligences that are available
to us, that are beyond what wethink or what we've been taught
or programmed or whatever, butthat there is, there is a wiser,
there is an intelligence tothis whole shebang and we, we.
(17:54):
Now quantum physics is kind ofcatching up with us, but not
really completely.
I mean, I'm sure you listenedto the telepathy tapes that came
out recently, but ourcapacities are so much wider and
more evolved than we can everimagine.
But we need to believe it forit to unfold.
(18:17):
Because if we want to stay backand be skeptical and criticize
and judge because judgment isthe block Judgment our judgment
of ourself and others is whatblocks that process of
connecting to your higher self.
I believe that's my experience.
I believe that's my experience.
(18:41):
So if we're stuck in judgmentor comparing or getting pissed
off at other people for sayingthings or doing things I mean in
America right now, man, there'sa lot for me anyway, I'm like
this is I could touch, butthat's holding me back in my
process.
I recognize it's kind of like adistraction judgment from being
authentic, because we feel right, like at least I'm doing
(19:02):
something by showing my opinionand writing it down and making
you know at least I'm doingsomething.
It's like, yeah, but maybe what?
Maybe your empowered self willbe more of an asset.
This is just me speaking.
I'll be more of an asset whenI'm my embodied and empowered
self than somebody that's beinga spectator and sitting back and
(19:25):
watching the you know thereally off Netflix series unfold
, cause sometimes you think isthis a movie?
Is this even real?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yeah, you know, what's interesting is that
helping people realize that theydo have this higher self, and
that higher self is full ofknowledge and full of wisdom.
But we're stuck in this.
Oh, I don't know what to do, aswe kind of practice.
So how can we, how can peoplejump to that level of
(19:56):
recognizing that higher self?
Like, wait a minute, I have theanswers.
What am I freaking out about?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Excellent question.
So you're asking how do youguide people in embodying their
higher self or even connecting,and connecting, Well, it begins
by.
For me anyway, it begins bytuning into your emotions and I
(20:25):
was programmed to kind of notfeel the pain and not on.
You know, anger wasn't pretty,you know, I grew up in the
(21:01):
Midwest and it was kind ofshowing rage was very shameful.
I mean shameful because nobodyreally understood that.
The emotional body was thefirst portal for me into feeling
, into this other sense that wehad of sensory perception, of
direct experience of feeling ourbody, of actually inhabiting,
being embodied and not being inthe narratives or in the stories
.
So, number one, there are manynames for higher self.
It can be your super mind.
There are many names for higherself.
It can be your super mind, itcan be your authentic self, it
(21:22):
can be your soul self, it can beyour divine presence, it can be
whatever.
It can be all of those and noneof those.
It's up for.
It can be mother nature, PeopleI mean a lot of people just
(21:52):
connect in nature and feelcomplete without needing to name
it.
I think our minds like to namethings and it's something that
happens by letting go of theattachments of the mind, and
that's a daily practice ofmeditation, mindfulness, taking
stillness breaks.
It's not going to happen ifyou're spending your free time
(22:16):
scrolling, you know, gossipingall of these things, shopping,
all of these things that ourculture supports.
And you know, I grew up.
I was most of my, many of mostof the years in New York City.
It was a lot about talking andyou talking and socializing,
(22:37):
which is amazing, but I neededquiet time to be with myself in
order to connect and to evenunderstand who am I inside of
this body, Because the personthat's telling me you're
horrible, you're gross, you're aloser, you haven't done
(22:59):
anything with your life, thatperson is not the same person
that you know I modeled for 15years and you know people are
like oh my God, you look great,You're amazing, great, You're
(23:23):
amazing.
But inside I hated myself.
I had so much um shame justbeing like because I didn't know
who I was and no one evertaught me that it was okay, that
it was okay to to go througheverything.
That's why I started.
I dove into the studies ofBuddhism and then I started
doing Vipassana retreats, silentretreats, and then I didn't
have a mentor or teacher and Iheard that you needed a mentor
(23:46):
or teacher.
And I went to India.
I didn't meet anybody.
I went to Bhutan.
I went to Bhutan, I met nature,I did hikes, I met the
mountains, I learned to be alone.
But I didn't meet my mentor orteachers until later in my life,
when everybody else had alreadygotten out of university and
(24:09):
here I was like 35.
I had no job, I quit modelingand I decided I have to go back
to school.
That's when I decided I have toget sober and I have to go back
to school and get a degree inpsychotherapy because I need to
(24:30):
figure out why I'm losing mymind.
So that's what happened?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
This, this, this feeling alone or no, not, excuse
me, not feeling alone, learningto be alone, it's such an
essential piece in everyperson's life.
How did you teach yourself that?
Because it's that's tough.
I, it's, it's a tough process.
(24:57):
It takes.
It takes, I think, rigorouspractice, but it's, it's
attainable, you can do it.
And I think that the peoplethat I've talked to that have
reached that space say once youare comfortable in yourself, in
your body, and I'm one of thosepeople, because I love being by
myself, I love silence, but itwasn't easy to get there.
(25:21):
So talk to me about how did youget to that stage of being okay
and being okay, being alone.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
I got to that stage of being okay with being alone
by.
I think I did maybe 10 silentretreats and they were brutal.
It's so funny because I thoughtI'm going to go to a silent
retreat in Massachusetts atInsight.
It was an incredible school.
The best teachers One of themthat I really liked Sharon
(25:51):
Salzberg that I really like,sharon Salzberg.
Tara Brock was another amazingteacher, and Jack Kornfield all
of these original teachers thatwere epic, epic great teachings.
But then you were alone on yourcushion for like an hour
(26:12):
segments eight hours a day andthen you're like okay, this is
going to be cool, I'm just goingto sit and be silent.
I like to be alone.
But when you're alone with yourmind it gets so loud you think
you're going to lose.
I had a breakdown.
It can be super dangerous, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
That's what I was just saying.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
It's not for everybody.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
I think that it gets dangerousfor people who have real scary
thoughts.
Yes, but I was going to sayabsolutely, like I've had a few
moments of myself, of you know,full blown panic attacks because
you were so used to havingpeople around you and avoiding
emotions all the time.
Like I think also the peoplewho don't feel so safe within
(26:56):
themselves, they can use otherpeople as medicine, like I
believe that yeah, absolutely soit's for me.
I think also, yeah, I, I, ittook a while, but also this is,
this is.
This is where I was and I don'tknow if you can kind of agree
with this, but for a long time Iwas looking at, you know,
(27:21):
guides and books and I wasreading a lot of Eckhart Tolle
and Gary Zukav books and, youknow, watching videos, this that
lots of, lots of guides weresaying you need to find yourself
, you need to find yourself, andI would always think that
that's kind of it's difficultlike find myself, like how do I
(27:41):
find myself?
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
So so I was like wait, that'ssomething's off about that
sentence.
So what I did for myself andthis worked for me is I started
to create myself.
I started thinking aboutcreating the best version of
(28:01):
myself.
I knew my personality, I knewit was a great person.
I knew I had a great character.
I really studied myself, but Ididn't really like the finding
yourself, because some peoplemight not really be able to do
that and what's going to happento those people?
So I believe that creatingyourself is such a God-given,
(28:24):
beautiful spiritual process.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
In essence, it's everything.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
It is everything.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah.
Yeah, you know for me when yousay that it was.
I also had an idealized versionof finding myself, but I found
myself in the darkness and Ifound myself by being willing to
(28:52):
be okay with not being okay.
Yeah.
And in those moments of darknessand depth and being able to sit
with yourself in the feelingswithout allowing like, without,
without Understanding them, isnot who you are, but parts of
yourself that are coming up andliterally now, because of the
(29:17):
intense amount of energy that isliterally pouring down on us on
this glorious planet Earth fromour beautiful sun, it's really
pushing us into the edges ofourself at times and I believe,
whether you like it or not, thatthe shadows they're emerging,
(29:40):
they're coming up to be seen,not by anybody else, but by
ourselves.
So the biggest gift that we cangive ourself is by sitting in
silence and learning how to turntowards ourself, not with the
judgment, but with curiosity,and ask what is this feeling?
What is it?
What is this feeling here tosay, how can I create space for
(30:04):
it to be felt without judging it?
And that's why asking it whatit needs.
If it's here, it's for a reason, and I feel, as we're growing
energetically, we're becomingmore energetic, we're becoming
less mental, we're becoming moreheart-centered and we're
(30:25):
aligning more to our light body,which is the essence of our
soul self, that these parts arecoming up because they're dense
Our repressed emotions.
They stay within us like acharge, an energetic charge, and
every time we get triggeredthat charge explodes and we can
(30:47):
blame or project on our partner,on our job, on the guy in the
car in front of us, on our kids,and complain and whine and
bitch and blah, blah, blah.
Or we can say, instead ofturning this outwards, what if I
turn this onto myself and turnthe light of awareness onto me,
(31:10):
myself and I and say what isthis feeling?
This feeling is coming fromwithin myself.
Am I willing, in this nowmoment, just to be present with
it and just notice it andrecognize it as a feeling?
It's not who I am, it's a partof me, coming up to be seen and
(31:32):
begin to dialogue.
I mean, befriending comes lateron Just first acknowledging it
as being there is the first stepto freedom.
Because as long as we're stuckin that tangly web of blame the
blame game, especially inrelationships, because we also
(31:57):
meet partners that are at thesame, I found in my experience
at the same level of emotionalwounding as ourselves, and it's
a great opportunity for growth.
Some relationships, of course,are not destined to happen, and
so I understand that, but thereare some, like with my husband.
(32:18):
We almost were going toseparate at one point because I
had gotten so you know.
Coming back to the truth part, Iwas such a people pleaser.
I was pleased trying to pleasehim for so many years.
It made me so resentful insidebut I didn't want to acknowledge
(32:40):
that.
It was much easier for me tosay he does this, he does that,
he does that.
But then, when, when the shitgot really dark and I had to
make a choice, am I going tospeak my truth and face the fear
of him saying I'm leaving, oram I going to continue my life
lying and trying to be some,something that I'm not?
(33:03):
And I spoke the truth.
I said I really I let it rip.
And he I said I really I let itrip.
And he, he, he energetically tosomething shifted within him
and he's like it's almost likehe needed that as well to see
who I was, because obviouslyit's annoying to be with
(33:24):
somebody who's not reallyauthentic.
I mean, I thought I wasauthentic, I was, I was, I was
already along my path.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Because we're programmed that way, I feel like
sometimes we can be programmedto that space of thinking that
the people pleasing is actuallyI'm so kind, I'm great, I'm a
lovely person.
I spread love all the time.
It's like no, because you gohome at night you eat yourself
alive.
That's not true.
(33:53):
I mean like we've all beenthere.
Stop with this.
I'm a great person.
Like no, truth telling does notmake you a bad person.
Telling somebody no does notmake you a bad person.
It actually I think.
I think that the people who cantell the truth and be in that
(34:15):
space of oh my God, what did Ijust do People are not going to
like me because I spoke thetruth are probably the most
kindest people, because you'rekind to yourself first.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Exactly, you're very wise I can't get there.
Get there when you're on theother side and you want to get
there.
There's a process, and thatprocess is it's a lot about
testing.
For me, anyway, it felt whensomething is familiar, like the
(34:48):
people pleasing it, and it's soknown to you, it feels safe.
So, all of a sudden, when youstand up and you speak your
truth, your first reaction whenyou do that is like oh my God,
how did I do that?
And I know a lot of people inthe shaming for speaking their
(35:08):
truth.
Because it's it.
It takes a lot of courage.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
It takes some mad guts to be like I'm going to be
okay with you, not being okaywith me.
Yeah, I think that that was oneof the biggest deals I I kid
you not, I lost so many peoplein my life right when I started
becoming this unleashed.
Kid you not, I lost so manypeople in my life right when I
started becoming this unleashed.
You know individual and youknow like, something you also
(35:39):
think about is who the heck hasbeen in my life with this type
of personality, just all allthere, because you were this yes
, sir, yes ma'am, yes, ma'am.
I would not want to be with, Iwould not want to be friends
with anyone that's unkind tothemselves.
Yeah, well, I mean, that showsme that they're not kind, though
(36:03):
.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Yeah, I remember at the beginning my husband.
I said before he's Italian andso he has centuries of
patriarchy under his belt.
And he was when I first startedspeaking my truth.
He's like are you joking?
What do you mean?
(36:25):
And I questioned myself.
I was like, oh yeah, maybethat's not right, maybe I should
just be quiet and for me,finding myself and speaking my
truth and finding freedom, forhim it was like he called it in
the beginning.
He was joking.
He's like, oh, this is youremancipation.
And then now I'm like yeah.
(36:48):
And in the beginning I'm like,no, no, it's not, don't worry,
I'm not.
Yeah.
And in the beginning I'm like,no, no, it's not, don't worry,
I'm not going to change thatmuch.
And then I realized that's nottruthful.
You need to be who you are.
I came on this planet to bemyself, to unfold who I truly am
, and he did too, and I wasn'thelping him either by enabling
(37:11):
him.
In the beginning he didn't likeit that much, but now he's
super grateful and it took ourrelationship to a completely new
level of trust, understandingand also knowing when to honor
each other's space, because thatold codependent stuff is like
to honor each other's space,because that old codependent
(37:31):
stuff is like yeah, yeah, yeah,it's just.
I mean, I don't, I don't knowanybody that survives is
surviving in that.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
No, no.
And also, this is this isexactly what you were talking
about in the beginning that thisis when your body starts saying
no, yeah, yeah, this.
This is why, for anyonelistening to and saying, what
does this mean?
I think that when your bodysays no, it can vary.
I had severe nosebleeds.
I did yeah, and my therapistcalled it out.
(38:04):
I was young, I was in mytwenties at the time and she's
like nosebleeds.
And she's like okay, we need totalk about what you're doing.
And that is the first thing wetackled is this young, beautiful
woman who's just always the yes, ma'am, yes, sir, yes, ma'am, I
got you, you know.
And so she's like look, ifyou're walking on a street and
(38:25):
you're hungry, you're starving,but you see a homeless person on
the street and they're starvingtoo, and you got a burger in
your hand, are you going to eatthat burger Because you're
starving too, or are you goingto give it to that homeless
person?
I said I'll give it to thehomeless person.
She said wrong, wrong, wrong.
(38:46):
And I said why am I wrong?
That's the kind thing to do.
And she's like no, you need tofeed yourself because you are
hungry too, t-o-o.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
It's really true, yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
It is, it is and it's always being in this.
And call it selfish if you wantto, but it's not.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
Also being really in tuned with your yes and pleasing
yourself.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Yeah, and then also if you're a parent I know I'm a
mother, I have three kids Cremsif we don't heal them within
ourselves, then we just offerthem to our children and so they
will eat them.
(39:36):
So it needs to stop with usthese behaviors, these patterns,
these old ways of being thataren't serving our highest good,
that we're just continuingbecause we don't want to rock
the boat.
How many times I heard thatwith clients is I don't want
(39:57):
change, Like okay, well, I mean,I understand that, but there's
a really important decision youhave to make in your life.
Are you willing to loseyourself over being who you
truly are?
And you know, and I don't knowabout you, but I really want to
leave a legacy and the personthat who I was, she she wasn't
(40:20):
leaving anything, she wasleaving.
I was.
You know, I don't know who, Idon't know who, who I would have
become, but I wouldn't havebecome the person that I became,
because I decided to let go ofthat program that I couldn't be
my authentic self in order tostay connected to those I loved,
(40:42):
Because the people that Ireally love and that really love
me, they love me more now and Ilove myself more now.
Yeah, and remember the firsttime someone, I don't know which
teacher, maybe it was PemaChodron, one of my first, first
first teachers, uh, upstate NewYork.
I would listen to her in Omega2005, 2006.
(41:05):
And she would talk about lovingyourself and I was.
That was like a trip for me.
I'm like what does that mean,love yourself?
Why would you love yourself?
How does that even mean Like soyou give yourself a hug?
Speaker 2 (41:22):
No Very surface level right.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
It's about honoring your feelings and staying tuned
in to your truth and beingwilling to use your voice to
create boundaries when peopleare not respecting for myself
because, um, it's I, Iunderstand, like, if you're a
really kind person or you,you're nice, you're busy all the
time, it's it's nighttime andyou have to go to bed and you
(42:01):
don't have time to sit and bestill and do your journaling or,
uh, you know, process youremotions.
So it is, it's.
It.
It's about creating boundariesaround people, your kids, your
family, your friends to maketime for yourself.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
I love what you just said.
I'm going to cut you off, sorry.
I I I love when you said if youare, if you are not very
authentic to yourself, thenyou're a busy person.
Is that what you said?
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Yeah, that's power.
In other words, that's what Isaid, of course.
Well, also, busyness is anaddiction as well.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
Avoidance right.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
Like people say I'm too busy, I'm too busy, I don't
have time.
It's like well, it's the oldadage If you can't meditate for
10 minutes, meditate an hour,because it's the biggest gift
you can give to yourself andself-respect is taking time away
to meet your own needs.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Oh, wow, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
Because otherwise you're just running around like
a hungry ghost for busy, butalso hoping that, that, that
person, that that shopping spree, that that coffee and I like
coffee, I'm not going to or thatdrink is going to make you feel
better, yeah, but at the end ofthe day you're never feel full
(43:34):
until you fill yourselfemotionally with what you really
, with what the emotional needs.
And many of that goes back tochildhood and when we you know
there's this theory of holes ofAH Almas that Gabor Mate, my
(43:56):
teacher, speaks about, thatwe're born with all these
qualities and gifts of strengthand perseverance and hope and
joy and if they're not seen byour caregivers, we develop holes
within ourselves.
And then we spend our wholelife trying to fill the holes
through the external world untilwe find out that actually the
(44:21):
only person that can fill thoseholes is ourselves by learning
to turn towards ourselves andmeet our own needs.
Like, what is it I really needtoday?
I really need to rest, I reallyneed to play, to dance, I
really, you know, I need to bein nature like a need, and maybe
it's just a bath or silence.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
It doesn't matter, right?
Yeah, yeah, that's powerful.
What do I need today?
Yeah, yeah, that's powerful.
What do I need today?
That is such a beautiful Idon't know, I don't even I could
call it an affirmation butthat's beautiful to wake up to
that and ask yourself or thebest way to phrase that is is
(45:06):
because I remember when I firstheard that and I was still
drinking I'm like what do I need?
Speaker 1 (45:10):
I need I need.
My inner self is like I need abottle of wine, like I was
really like these are my needs,I need to numb.
But if you ask your inner selfor your inner child, what would
she or he, what would yourfive-year-old self?
want to do today and visualizeyourself at five.
(45:33):
What would you like to havedone?
Go outside, search forbutterflies.
Dive into a pond, you know.
Put your feet in the grass, youknow.
Find a ladybug like littlethings.
Those little things are thegateway to finding your own
(45:53):
truth.
Speaker 2 (45:55):
Do you want to do that exercise together?
Speaker 1 (45:57):
Yes, great.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
You ask me, I'll ask you.
Speaker 1 (46:02):
No, oh yeah, what would I know?
But I just said what my innerchild would do.
You want to?
Would you like to share with mewhat would your five-year-old
self like to do right now?
Speaker 2 (46:14):
My five-year-old self would love a hug.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
And some words of affirmation Okay, close your
eyes.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Please Close your eyes, tune in.
Just putting your arms on yourshoulders, okay, but feel what
she feels like to receive thehug.
Yeah beautiful self and tuneinto what she needs to hear and
(47:02):
then offer her five phrasesbeginning with.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
I am Offer those to her.
I am cute, I am very smart, Iam very strong and I am worthy.
(47:27):
You know things that babieswant to hear.
Yeah, that was adorable and Iremember like when I was around
that age I had like littlepigtails like that.
My mom, would you know, fix myhair like that.
I think inner child work is, ohmy gosh, so important and I
(47:48):
love how you brought that up,because that truth ties in with
that inner child, whether it's alittle boy or a little girl.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Yeah, a lot of times I was asked how do I know what
my truth, how do I know what mypurpose is?
And you know, purpose issomething that I was taught to
look for on the outside, like Iwould find my purpose.
I was looking around, therewould be, you know, somebody
(48:21):
would walk by, walk around witha tray and my purpose would be
there.
And then I realized that mypurpose would come when I would
align to my inner truth.
And my inner truth would unfoldfrom my willingness to be still
with my inner self.
(48:44):
And how could I impress myinner self, my inner child or
inner self, and what wouldreally bring her joy?
How could I offer that to her?
And little by little, by tuninginto my inner self, younger
(49:06):
self, my truth unfolded and mypurpose, which is what I feel
that I'm doing today, actuallyjust it.
It unfolded, not as fast as Iwould have liked it to, but I
met robert thurman, I met joe, Imet in new york city at the
buddhist center.
I met my two teachers.
(49:27):
I'm I, I, all of a sudden I metGabor Mate, just randomly, I
became a meditation teacher andthen I all these things just
happened, maybe not as I, as Iplanned them to happen as
quickly as I wanted them to, butthey did.
If I just I needed to get outof the way.
Yeah, because expectations kill.
(49:49):
They kill the path of wholeness.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
You know I don't know if in my trainings, I was
always trained by my supervisor,of course to look for words
when people are talking, observewords, and there's this word
that you used a few seconds agoand I want to make that out
(50:14):
there.
Say that to everybody.
That are people pleasers, andthey know that there are people
pleasers that the most importantperson you need to impress is
yourself, your inner child.
That was so powerful.
I absolutely love that.
I'm definitely going to takethat and that's such a wise
(50:35):
thing to say, stephanie.
Speaker 1 (50:39):
Wow, thank you for listening.
I just want to acknowledge youfor being such a deep listener,
because it's a gift and throughlistening we deepen within
ourself and throughcompassionate listening by
listening without being in themind but by being in the heart
(51:02):
which I noticed that you havethat gift and so I really want
to acknowledge you and thank youfor opening up this
conversation and allowing for methis space, and I really I hope
it's just the beginning of thefriendship and and yeah, and may
(51:23):
we all leave today with thatimage of how, of our younger
selves and how, how can weimpress them in this now moment,
in this day, in this life, andare we willing to do whatever it
needs to impress them so thatthey smile, so that they feel
(51:44):
seen and loved and heard,because that's the the essence
of all the teachings isself-love, and we can't really
fully love anyone or anythingelse until we learn to deeply
forgive ourselves for who, maybewhere our past, and come into a
(52:09):
place of reconciliation andresonance with the now moment
and be fully open and curiousand joyful, because we need this
, we need to embody the joy inthis times of darkness.
Speaker 2 (52:26):
Yes.
I believe, that and I also lovehow you broke down what
self-love really is, because thedefinition is very surface
level and it's not reallyexplained.
So you're absolutely right.
People would think like, oh,what is it?
A hug.
Self-love is looking at myselfin the mirror and saying, wow,
you look great.
(52:47):
And it's so much deeper thanthat.
It's honoring your boundaries.
It's understanding when to sayyes comfortably, no, confidently
.
I love that explanation.
Everything you said was just sospot on and beautiful.
I'm so honored to have you onmy show, honored to know you,
(53:09):
and I know with this episodepeople are really going to
really just click and reallyunderstand how to start with
their truthful journey.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Wonderful.
Thank you, I appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
Because as long as we're stuck in that tangly web
of blame the blame game,especially in relationships,
because we also meet partnersthat are at the same I found in
my experience at the same levelof emotional wounding as
ourselves, and it's a greatopportunity for growth.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Hello everyone, thank you for joining me today.
Today's episode is withStephanie Canavizio.
Now, stephanie is a dear friendand somebody who I respect and
admire for all her spiritualwork.
This session was such anenlightening episode because it
really does guide us into who weare and how to really accept,
(00:55):
appreciate and love ourselves.
Now, essentially, we think thatloving ourselves is just giving
ourselves a hug or a kindaffirmation, which that can be
part of it, but we dive evendeeper into what really
self-love is and self-acceptanceis and healing is, and we
actually do talk about someinner child work.
(01:15):
I'm very excited for today and Ican't wait for you guys to
watch this episode withStephanie, because it is such a
light and enlightening episode.
So enjoy and I'll see you guys.
Thank you for the ongoingsupport.
I also want to mention thatit's important to highlight the
sponsors of this show, and AnitaTutoring is one of them.
(01:36):
She's such an important personfor children.
She's been a teacher for many,many years and I adore her style
and her method of teaching and,most importantly, her
philosophy.
So definitely utilize hertutoring services.
You will not regret it, becauseshe's such a wonderful,
wonderful asset to the community.
Thank you Great, all right,stephanie Canavezio right.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
Yeah, that's it Perfect.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Such an honor to have you on my show.
Thank you for joining me today.
Thank you for accepting myinvitation.
I love your work, I love yourenergy and I'm very, very
grateful that I get to talk toyou today.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Wonderful.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Wonderful.
Thank you for having meAbsolutely so.
I was on Instagram a few monthsago and I saw that you had
posted this amazing reel byElizabeth Gilbert and she was
talking about truth and thatvideo, stephanie, resonated with
me so much and I don't know ifit's just me, but I think that
(02:43):
this is something that, um, alot of people struggle with and
it's this truth right, tellingthe truth, speaking your truth.
So what she was portraying inthe video is basically, she
would, you know, she would lookat other people and tell them
(03:13):
what they want to hear.
Speaker 1 (03:15):
Yeah, right, and so I've done that.
Have you done that, saying whatothers needed to hear, probably
out of a fear of not belongingor being rejected?
And it just makes me think whenyou say that, because I was
(03:39):
living in Nebraska.
Now I live in Ibiza, but I wasliving in Nebraska and I moved
to New York City, upper EastSide, like a completely
different dimension from mypublic school in Omaha, and I
learned very quickly that beingwho I was wasn't going to be
(04:00):
enough to belong to this newgroup of kids, going to be
enough to belong to this newgroup of kids, and that kind of
confirmed already my shyness andmy insecurity.
And, yeah, so not like learningto speak truth has probably
been the reason why I do what Ido today is because I was so
(04:23):
completely and utterlydisconnected from my own truth.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
Yeah, I have to.
I understand that, I agree withyou, but I'm also in that, in
that stage as well.
But I would love to know if youwant to share like what, what
allowed you to really beconscious of that?
Like what stage or what did yougo through that you said what
is this?
Like, what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
That's a good question.
It probably like I, like I formyself anyway, I feel like with
such big themes, you can hear asmuch about them as you want,
but until you experience themfor yourselves, and with a
breakdown, a mental like I mean,we used to not talk about this
(05:15):
stuff before that much, it waslike the nervous breakdown.
Now it's quite common.
But in 2008, I realized, wow,I'm having super bad hangovers
all the time.
I'm doing drugs and I don'treally stop doing drugs even
(05:38):
though I know they're not goodfor me.
And I realized because Inoticed just how much I was
running to soothe myself thatthere was something inside that
was aching, and something insideme was my body.
My body was saying no, andthat's why Dr Gabor Mate, who I
(06:01):
was super lucky to meet at thattime, and read the book, I
realized, okay, my body issaying no, but why?
What is that?
Even like what's going oninside.
So then I went on my own journeyof self-discovery, which wasn't
a linear journey.
There was, no, wasn't a linearjourney.
(06:23):
It was really just kind of likerock and roll, diving into the
depths of my pain, withpsychedelic journeys, doing
(06:51):
breath work and just a lot ofdeep therapy that I began to
question what was going oninside of my head, that I was so
afraid to be authentic that Iwas willing to destroy my body.
I was willing to hate myself somuch, to betray myself so much
that, um, that I couldn't speakup.
(07:12):
I didn't.
I didn't know how to raise myhand and and talk.
Literally, I was so closed inwith myself and that's when I
understood oh wow, my innerworld is really different from
the outer world and it's reallyinsanity in here and I need help
(07:34):
.
And so I realized I needed toget sober.
I realized I needed to stop theaddictive behaviors, because I
started studying Buddhism in theearly 2000s.
I went to Nepal, I went toIndia, I went to Bhutan, and
there was a lot of teachingabout how obsessive behaviors
(07:59):
are keeping us from feeling andfrom, you know, the, the, the
things that we do to avoidfeeling the truth, and so yeah.
So then I, then I got sober,and then the, and then the shit
hit the fan, because once you'resober, then you're really
(08:21):
facing your fear and anxiety andall those things that I had
been educated in my Americanupbringing to numb with alcohol
and everybody just was justdrinking all the time in
Nebraska and my parent my, my,my mother never drank, but she
(08:43):
was always made fun of becauseshe didn't drink and no one was
talking about it, and my fatherwas an alcoholic, died from
alcoholism cancer-related tocigarettes and pharmaceutical
drugs.
And I think I just knew therewas a part of me inside of me
(09:08):
that knew I something needed tochange.
Otherwise I didn't yeah,Otherwise like, why am I on this
planet?
There must be more.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Yeah, you know, I love.
I love how you used really twoimportant words.
You said my body was telling meno and you also used the word
betraying myself, and those are.
So I mean, we're two therapistsright Talking how important it
is to really recognize when yourbody says no and how you're
(09:44):
betraying yourself.
So I would love to dive intothis one.
So let's talk about some of theways, because there are
millions of people betrayingthemselves and there are
millions of people that suffer.
I mean, they're suffering,their bodies are talking to them
, but they're not listening.
So let's, I would love to guidepeople that are listening to
(10:07):
this podcast.
What, what are some of thesymptoms that people experience
when their body is saying no?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Well, may I invite you now to just take a moment to
pause in stillness and tune inand listen to what's happening
(10:35):
in terms of sensations.
Or is there tension?
Are you holding your shoulders?
Do you notice that you'regrasping?
Your hands are in fists?
I think, just the amount ofstress that we're experiencing
in our life.
We hold it without realizing it.
(10:55):
And so just take a moment andsoften and notice, when you ask
yourself, like what's alive forme in this now moment, If my
body could speak, what would itsay?
And you can get a lot ofinformation in that moment.
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
So I invite you to open your eyes again.
Yeah, so you can.
I invite you to open your eyesagain.
It's just this simple act ofpausing in silence in a world
where we are bombarded, andtaking a moment to be still, to
listen, and not not listen toyour mind, but tapping into the
wisdom of your body, and I don'tknow what your body.
(11:46):
What did your body say, forinstance, when you ask it?
Speaker 2 (11:50):
When I close my eyes and I take a deep breath, my
body says my back hurts.
I have always been the type ofwoman when I'm stressed and when
I'm feeling overstimulated,overwhelmed, sad, all the
tension always goes back to myback and that's where I hold,
(12:13):
like the middle part of my backis where I hold attention.
So immediately, when youinvited me to that deep
breathing, I was like oh, Canyou tune in right now?
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:24):
To your back and you mentioned there's some sadness.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Yes, I'm feeling sad and yes.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
And in this moment, do you notice any emotions
underneath the tension or behindit?
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Stress.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Stress.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
So stress would be a perception.
There is stress, but how doesit make you feel to be stressed?
Speaker 2 (12:48):
Oh angry.
Speaker 1 (12:49):
Okay, so it's anger.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
The feeling is anger for sure.
Speaker 1 (12:54):
And how does it feel just to pause and make space for
the?
Speaker 2 (12:58):
anger.
You know I have worked onfeeling that for such a long
time that I can bear with it.
Now it's I'm not going to sayit's uncomfortable, it's still
uncomfortable.
It's still uncomfortable tofeel it.
But I think I still need tounderstand how to express it
(13:18):
well.
I'm not, I don't know how toexpress it well, even though you
know, like we have thebackground, we have the
knowledge for it.
But when it comes to your ownlife and all the experiences
that you go through, you knowpeople need to also understand.
It's normal Like it's.
It's hard to stay with thatfeeling.
It's hard to work with thosefeelings.
It also understand it's normalLike it's.
It's hard to stay with thatfeeling.
It's hard to work with thosefeelings.
(13:39):
It is.
It's really difficult.
Especially anger, for me isreally hard.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Do you mind me asking if you tune in to the anger and
you ask the anger what she'smost angry about in this now
moment?
What do you hear?
Changes in this now moment.
What do you?
Speaker 2 (14:02):
hear.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Changes, yeah, changes, that's a big one, yeah.
And when you tune into theanger about the changes and just
, and we'll, we'll not go toodeep into this right now, but
when you ask the anger, thispart of you that's angry about
change, what does she need toknow in this now moment?
What do you hear?
Speaker 2 (14:21):
A few things come to mind, but I think the one thing
that ruminates in my mind issecurity, mm, hmm, yeah,
security.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Yeah, safety and security.
Yeah, security, yeah Safety andsecurity.
Yeah, and could you just pauseand maybe put a hand on your
heart and, with the frequency ofkindness, take a moment to just
acknowledge there's this partof you that is angry and about
(14:57):
the change and is just askingfor a sense of safety and
security.
Speaker 2 (15:07):
And can you offer that?
Speaker 1 (15:08):
but this time call in your higher self to assist you
that part of you that is wise,and see what happens.
Speaker 2 (15:14):
I love that.
That when I think about thewiser or the higher self, it's
very safe and it's veryreassuring and that's beautiful.
And why I say that is because,yeah, I absolutely can sometimes
feel like you can't reach tosolve your own anxieties, but
(15:34):
what you just did is you'reallowing my mind to know that
wait, like you can reach for thewisdom, like you have it.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Yeah, and the mind is a beautiful, a beautiful
servant, but a terrible master,as someone said, and that I like
the analogy, the metaphor, themetaphor, I guess, of put your
beautiful mind in the passengerseat and put your higher self in
the driver's seat, oh, and seewhat happens just for a day.
(16:08):
Try it out.
And I think we underestimatebecause our minds are based in
the past and we are not ourthoughts, but our minds are
designed to keep us safe so thatsame things don't happen again.
It's like a it's like.
It's like living life with thebrakes on is when you spend your
(16:30):
time trying to analyze orfigure things out or think your
way through things.
Trying to analyze or figurethings out or think your way
through things, it it might.
It might work sometimes to docertain tasks, but for the
future that awaits us, I reallyfeel that I'm being asked to
step up into the new version ofmyself, and that new version of
(16:52):
myself.
My mind is not designed to knowwhat that is, because my mind,
remember, is limited.
It's based in the past, it'sdesigned to keep me safe, but
the new me, the person that thefuture is calling from me, the
one that I long for, my futureself.
(17:13):
She is rooting me on.
I feel her she's like go for it, but you're going to have to
leave all the ways that youthought you were behind, because
the new you is about reallycreating through trust and
(17:34):
understanding that there areintelligences that are available
to us, that are beyond what wethink or what we've been taught
or programmed or whatever, butthat there is, there is a wiser,
there is an intelligence tothis whole shebang and we, we.
(17:54):
Now quantum physics is kind ofcatching up with us, but not
really completely.
I mean, I'm sure you listenedto the telepathy tapes that came
out recently, but ourcapacities are so much wider and
more evolved than we can everimagine.
But we need to believe it forit to unfold.
(18:17):
Because if we want to stay backand be skeptical and criticize
and judge because judgment isthe block Judgment our judgment
of ourself and others is whatblocks that process of
connecting to your higher self.
I believe that's my experience.
I believe that's my experience.
(18:41):
So if we're stuck in judgmentor comparing or getting pissed
off at other people for sayingthings or doing things I mean in
America right now, man, there'sa lot for me anyway, I'm like
this is I could touch, butthat's holding me back in my
process.
I recognize it's kind of like adistraction judgment from being
authentic, because we feel right, like at least I'm doing
(19:02):
something by showing my opinionand writing it down and making
you know at least I'm doingsomething.
It's like, yeah, but maybe what?
Maybe your empowered self willbe more of an asset.
This is just me speaking.
I'll be more of an asset whenI'm my embodied and empowered
self than somebody that's beinga spectator and sitting back and
(19:25):
watching the you know thereally off Netflix series unfold
, cause sometimes you think isthis a movie?
Is this even real?
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Yeah, you know, what's interesting is that
helping people realize that theydo have this higher self, and
that higher self is full ofknowledge and full of wisdom.
But we're stuck in this.
Oh, I don't know what to do, aswe kind of practice.
So how can we, how can peoplejump to that level of
(19:56):
recognizing that higher self?
Like, wait a minute, I have theanswers.
What am I freaking out about?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Excellent question.
So you're asking how do youguide people in embodying their
higher self or even connecting,and connecting, Well, it begins
by.
For me anyway, it begins bytuning into your emotions and I
(20:25):
was programmed to kind of notfeel the pain and not on.
You know, anger wasn't pretty,you know, I grew up in the
(21:01):
Midwest and it was kind ofshowing rage was very shameful.
I mean shameful because nobodyreally understood that.
The emotional body was thefirst portal for me into feeling
, into this other sense that wehad of sensory perception, of
direct experience of feeling ourbody, of actually inhabiting,
being embodied and not being inthe narratives or in the stories
.
So, number one, there are manynames for higher self.
It can be your super mind.
There are many names for higherself.
It can be your super mind, itcan be your authentic self, it
(21:22):
can be your soul self, it can beyour divine presence, it can be
whatever.
It can be all of those and noneof those.
It's up for.
It can be mother nature, PeopleI mean a lot of people just
(21:52):
connect in nature and feelcomplete without needing to name
it.
I think our minds like to namethings and it's something that
happens by letting go of theattachments of the mind, and
that's a daily practice ofmeditation, mindfulness, taking
stillness breaks.
It's not going to happen ifyou're spending your free time
(22:16):
scrolling, you know, gossipingall of these things, shopping,
all of these things that ourculture supports.
And you know, I grew up.
I was most of my, many of mostof the years in New York City.
It was a lot about talking andyou talking and socializing,
(22:37):
which is amazing, but I neededquiet time to be with myself in
order to connect and to evenunderstand who am I inside of
this body, Because the personthat's telling me you're
horrible, you're gross, you're aloser, you haven't done
(22:59):
anything with your life, thatperson is not the same person
that you know I modeled for 15years and you know people are
like oh my God, you look great,You're amazing, great, You're
(23:23):
amazing.
But inside I hated myself.
I had so much um shame justbeing like because I didn't know
who I was and no one evertaught me that it was okay, that
it was okay to to go througheverything.
That's why I started.
I dove into the studies ofBuddhism and then I started
doing Vipassana retreats, silentretreats, and then I didn't
have a mentor or teacher and Iheard that you needed a mentor
(23:46):
or teacher.
And I went to India.
I didn't meet anybody.
I went to Bhutan.
I went to Bhutan, I met nature,I did hikes, I met the
mountains, I learned to be alone.
But I didn't meet my mentor orteachers until later in my life,
when everybody else had alreadygotten out of university and
(24:09):
here I was like 35.
I had no job, I quit modelingand I decided I have to go back
to school.
That's when I decided I have toget sober and I have to go back
to school and get a degree inpsychotherapy because I need to
(24:30):
figure out why I'm losing mymind.
So that's what happened?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
This, this, this feeling alone or no, not, excuse
me, not feeling alone, learningto be alone, it's such an
essential piece in everyperson's life.
How did you teach yourself that?
Because it's that's tough.
I, it's, it's a tough process.
(24:57):
It takes.
It takes, I think, rigorouspractice, but it's, it's
attainable, you can do it.
And I think that the peoplethat I've talked to that have
reached that space say once youare comfortable in yourself, in
your body, and I'm one of thosepeople, because I love being by
myself, I love silence, but itwasn't easy to get there.
(25:21):
So talk to me about how did youget to that stage of being okay
and being okay, being alone.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
I got to that stage of being okay with being alone
by.
I think I did maybe 10 silentretreats and they were brutal.
It's so funny because I thoughtI'm going to go to a silent
retreat in Massachusetts atInsight.
It was an incredible school.
The best teachers One of themthat I really liked Sharon
(25:51):
Salzberg that I really like,sharon Salzberg.
Tara Brock was another amazingteacher, and Jack Kornfield all
of these original teachers thatwere epic, epic great teachings.
But then you were alone on yourcushion for like an hour
(26:12):
segments eight hours a day andthen you're like okay, this is
going to be cool, I'm just goingto sit and be silent.
I like to be alone.
But when you're alone with yourmind it gets so loud you think
you're going to lose.
I had a breakdown.
It can be super dangerous, yeah.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
That's what I was just saying.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
It's not for everybody.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
Yeah, yeah, definitely.
I think that it gets dangerousfor people who have real scary
thoughts.
Yes, but I was going to sayabsolutely, like I've had a few
moments of myself, of you know,full blown panic attacks because
you were so used to havingpeople around you and avoiding
emotions all the time.
Like I think also the peoplewho don't feel so safe within
(26:56):
themselves, they can use otherpeople as medicine, like I
believe that yeah, absolutely soit's for me.
I think also, yeah, I, I, ittook a while, but also this is,
this is.
This is where I was and I don'tknow if you can kind of agree
with this, but for a long time Iwas looking at, you know,
(27:21):
guides and books and I wasreading a lot of Eckhart Tolle
and Gary Zukav books and, youknow, watching videos, this that
lots of, lots of guides weresaying you need to find yourself
, you need to find yourself, andI would always think that
that's kind of it's difficultlike find myself, like how do I
(27:41):
find myself?
Yeah, exactly, yeah.
So so I was like wait, that'ssomething's off about that
sentence.
So what I did for myself andthis worked for me is I started
to create myself.
I started thinking aboutcreating the best version of
(28:01):
myself.
I knew my personality, I knewit was a great person.
I knew I had a great character.
I really studied myself, but Ididn't really like the finding
yourself, because some peoplemight not really be able to do
that and what's going to happento those people?
So I believe that creatingyourself is such a God-given,
(28:24):
beautiful spiritual process.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
In essence, it's everything.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
It is everything.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Yeah.
Yeah, you know for me when yousay that it was.
I also had an idealized versionof finding myself, but I found
myself in the darkness and Ifound myself by being willing to
(28:52):
be okay with not being okay.
Yeah.
And in those moments of darknessand depth and being able to sit
with yourself in the feelingswithout allowing like, without,
without Understanding them, isnot who you are, but parts of
yourself that are coming up andliterally now, because of the
(29:17):
intense amount of energy that isliterally pouring down on us on
this glorious planet Earth fromour beautiful sun, it's really
pushing us into the edges ofourself at times and I believe,
whether you like it or not, thatthe shadows they're emerging,
(29:40):
they're coming up to be seen,not by anybody else, but by
ourselves.
So the biggest gift that we cangive ourself is by sitting in
silence and learning how to turntowards ourself, not with the
judgment, but with curiosity,and ask what is this feeling?
What is it?
What is this feeling here tosay, how can I create space for
(30:04):
it to be felt without judging it?
And that's why asking it whatit needs.
If it's here, it's for a reason, and I feel, as we're growing
energetically, we're becomingmore energetic, we're becoming
less mental, we're becoming moreheart-centered and we're
(30:25):
aligning more to our light body,which is the essence of our
soul self, that these parts arecoming up because they're dense
Our repressed emotions.
They stay within us like acharge, an energetic charge, and
every time we get triggeredthat charge explodes and we can
(30:47):
blame or project on our partner,on our job, on the guy in the
car in front of us, on our kids,and complain and whine and
bitch and blah, blah, blah.
Or we can say, instead ofturning this outwards, what if I
turn this onto myself and turnthe light of awareness onto me,
(31:10):
myself and I and say what isthis feeling?
This feeling is coming fromwithin myself.
Am I willing, in this nowmoment, just to be present with
it and just notice it andrecognize it as a feeling?
It's not who I am, it's a partof me, coming up to be seen and
(31:32):
begin to dialogue.
I mean, befriending comes lateron Just first acknowledging it
as being there is the first stepto freedom.
Because as long as we're stuckin that tangly web of blame the
blame game, especially inrelationships, because we also
(31:57):
meet partners that are at thesame, I found in my experience
at the same level of emotionalwounding as ourselves, and it's
a great opportunity for growth.
Some relationships, of course,are not destined to happen, and
so I understand that, but thereare some, like with my husband.
(32:18):
We almost were going toseparate at one point because I
had gotten so you know.
Coming back to the truth part, Iwas such a people pleaser.
I was pleased trying to pleasehim for so many years.
It made me so resentful insidebut I didn't want to acknowledge
(32:40):
that.
It was much easier for me tosay he does this, he does that,
he does that.
But then, when, when the shitgot really dark and I had to
make a choice, am I going tospeak my truth and face the fear
of him saying I'm leaving, oram I going to continue my life
lying and trying to be some,something that I'm not?
(33:03):
And I spoke the truth.
I said I really I let it rip.
And he I said I really I let itrip.
And he, he, he energetically tosomething shifted within him
and he's like it's almost likehe needed that as well to see
who I was, because obviouslyit's annoying to be with
(33:24):
somebody who's not reallyauthentic.
I mean, I thought I wasauthentic, I was, I was, I was
already along my path.
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Because we're programmed that way, I feel like
sometimes we can be programmedto that space of thinking that
the people pleasing is actuallyI'm so kind, I'm great, I'm a
lovely person.
I spread love all the time.
It's like no, because you gohome at night you eat yourself
alive.
That's not true.
(33:53):
I mean like we've all beenthere.
Stop with this.
I'm a great person.
Like no, truth telling does notmake you a bad person.
Telling somebody no does notmake you a bad person.
It actually I think.
I think that the people who cantell the truth and be in that
(34:15):
space of oh my God, what did Ijust do People are not going to
like me because I spoke thetruth are probably the most
kindest people, because you'rekind to yourself first.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
Exactly, you're very wise I can't get there.
Get there when you're on theother side and you want to get
there.
There's a process, and thatprocess is it's a lot about
testing.
For me, anyway, it felt whensomething is familiar, like the
(34:48):
people pleasing it, and it's soknown to you, it feels safe.
So, all of a sudden, when youstand up and you speak your
truth, your first reaction whenyou do that is like oh my God,
how did I do that?
And I know a lot of people inthe shaming for speaking their
(35:08):
truth.
Because it's it.
It takes a lot of courage.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
I agree with you.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:16):
It takes some mad guts to be like I'm going to be
okay with you, not being okaywith me.
Yeah, I think that that was oneof the biggest deals I I kid
you not, I lost so many peoplein my life right when I started
becoming this unleashed.
Kid you not, I lost so manypeople in my life right when I
started becoming this unleashed.
You know individual and youknow like, something you also
(35:39):
think about is who the heck hasbeen in my life with this type
of personality, just all allthere, because you were this yes
, sir, yes ma'am, yes, ma'am.
I would not want to be with, Iwould not want to be friends
with anyone that's unkind tothemselves.
Yeah, well, I mean, that showsme that they're not kind, though
(36:03):
.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Yeah, I remember at the beginning my husband.
I said before he's Italian andso he has centuries of
patriarchy under his belt.
And he was when I first startedspeaking my truth.
He's like are you joking?
What do you mean?
(36:25):
And I questioned myself.
I was like, oh yeah, maybethat's not right, maybe I should
just be quiet and for me,finding myself and speaking my
truth and finding freedom, forhim it was like he called it in
the beginning.
He was joking.
He's like, oh, this is youremancipation.
And then now I'm like yeah.
(36:48):
And in the beginning I'm like,no, no, it's not, don't worry,
I'm not.
Yeah.
And in the beginning I'm like,no, no, it's not, don't worry,
I'm not going to change thatmuch.
And then I realized that's nottruthful.
You need to be who you are.
I came on this planet to bemyself, to unfold who I truly am
, and he did too, and I wasn'thelping him either by enabling
(37:11):
him.
In the beginning he didn't likeit that much, but now he's
super grateful and it took ourrelationship to a completely new
level of trust, understandingand also knowing when to honor
each other's space, because thatold codependent stuff is like
to honor each other's space,because that old codependent
(37:31):
stuff is like yeah, yeah, yeah,it's just.
I mean, I don't, I don't knowanybody that survives is
surviving in that.
Speaker 2 (37:38):
No, no.
And also, this is this isexactly what you were talking
about in the beginning that thisis when your body starts saying
no, yeah, yeah, this.
This is why, for anyonelistening to and saying, what
does this mean?
I think that when your bodysays no, it can vary.
I had severe nosebleeds.
I did yeah, and my therapistcalled it out.
(38:04):
I was young, I was in mytwenties at the time and she's
like nosebleeds.
And she's like okay, we need totalk about what you're doing.
And that is the first thing wetackled is this young, beautiful
woman who's just always the yes, ma'am, yes, sir, yes, ma'am, I
got you, you know.
And so she's like look, ifyou're walking on a street and
(38:25):
you're hungry, you're starving,but you see a homeless person on
the street and they're starvingtoo, and you got a burger in
your hand, are you going to eatthat burger Because you're
starving too, or are you goingto give it to that homeless
person?
I said I'll give it to thehomeless person.
She said wrong, wrong, wrong.
(38:46):
And I said why am I wrong?
That's the kind thing to do.
And she's like no, you need tofeed yourself because you are
hungry too, t-o-o.
Speaker 1 (39:01):
It's really true, yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:02):
It is, it is and it's always being in this.
And call it selfish if you wantto, but it's not.
Speaker 1 (39:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
Also being really in tuned with your yes and pleasing
yourself.
Speaker 1 (39:16):
Yeah, and then also if you're a parent I know I'm a
mother, I have three kids Cremsif we don't heal them within
ourselves, then we just offerthem to our children and so they
will eat them.
(39:36):
So it needs to stop with usthese behaviors, these patterns,
these old ways of being thataren't serving our highest good,
that we're just continuingbecause we don't want to rock
the boat.
How many times I heard thatwith clients is I don't want
(39:57):
change, Like okay, well, I mean,I understand that, but there's
a really important decision youhave to make in your life.
Are you willing to loseyourself over being who you
truly are?
And you know, and I don't knowabout you, but I really want to
leave a legacy and the personthat who I was, she she wasn't
(40:20):
leaving anything, she wasleaving.
I was.
You know, I don't know who, Idon't know who, who I would have
become, but I wouldn't havebecome the person that I became,
because I decided to let go ofthat program that I couldn't be
my authentic self in order tostay connected to those I loved,
(40:42):
Because the people that Ireally love and that really love
me, they love me more now and Ilove myself more now.
Yeah, and remember the firsttime someone, I don't know which
teacher, maybe it was PemaChodron, one of my first, first
first teachers, uh, upstate NewYork.
I would listen to her in Omega2005, 2006.
(41:05):
And she would talk about lovingyourself and I was.
That was like a trip for me.
I'm like what does that mean,love yourself?
Why would you love yourself?
How does that even mean Like soyou give yourself a hug?
Speaker 2 (41:22):
No Very surface level right.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
It's about honoring your feelings and staying tuned
in to your truth and beingwilling to use your voice to
create boundaries when peopleare not respecting for myself
because, um, it's I, Iunderstand, like, if you're a
really kind person or you,you're nice, you're busy all the
time, it's it's nighttime andyou have to go to bed and you
(42:01):
don't have time to sit and bestill and do your journaling or,
uh, you know, process youremotions.
So it is, it's.
It.
It's about creating boundariesaround people, your kids, your
family, your friends to maketime for yourself.
Speaker 2 (42:20):
I love what you just said.
I'm going to cut you off, sorry.
I I I love when you said if youare, if you are not very
authentic to yourself, thenyou're a busy person.
Is that what you said?
Speaker 1 (42:36):
Yeah, that's power.
In other words, that's what Isaid, of course.
Well, also, busyness is anaddiction as well.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
Avoidance right.
Speaker 1 (42:49):
Like people say I'm too busy, I'm too busy, I don't
have time.
It's like well, it's the oldadage If you can't meditate for
10 minutes, meditate an hour,because it's the biggest gift
you can give to yourself andself-respect is taking time away
to meet your own needs.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Oh, wow, yeah.
Speaker 1 (43:11):
Because otherwise you're just running around like
a hungry ghost for busy, butalso hoping that, that, that
person, that that shopping spree, that that coffee and I like
coffee, I'm not going to or thatdrink is going to make you feel
better, yeah, but at the end ofthe day you're never feel full
(43:34):
until you fill yourselfemotionally with what you really
, with what the emotional needs.
And many of that goes back tochildhood and when we you know
there's this theory of holes ofAH Almas that Gabor Mate, my
(43:56):
teacher, speaks about, thatwe're born with all these
qualities and gifts of strengthand perseverance and hope and
joy and if they're not seen byour caregivers, we develop holes
within ourselves.
And then we spend our wholelife trying to fill the holes
through the external world untilwe find out that actually the
(44:21):
only person that can fill thoseholes is ourselves by learning
to turn towards ourselves andmeet our own needs.
Like, what is it I really needtoday?
I really need to rest, I reallyneed to play, to dance, I
really, you know, I need to bein nature like a need, and maybe
it's just a bath or silence.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
It doesn't matter, right?
Yeah, yeah, that's powerful.
What do I need today?
Yeah, yeah, that's powerful.
What do I need today?
That is such a beautiful Idon't know, I don't even I could
call it an affirmation butthat's beautiful to wake up to
that and ask yourself or thebest way to phrase that is is
(45:06):
because I remember when I firstheard that and I was still
drinking I'm like what do I need?
Speaker 1 (45:10):
I need I need.
My inner self is like I need abottle of wine, like I was
really like these are my needs,I need to numb.
But if you ask your inner selfor your inner child, what would
she or he, what would yourfive-year-old self?
want to do today and visualizeyourself at five.
(45:33):
What would you like to havedone?
Go outside, search forbutterflies.
Dive into a pond, you know.
Put your feet in the grass, youknow.
Find a ladybug like littlethings.
Those little things are thegateway to finding your own
(45:53):
truth.
Speaker 2 (45:55):
Do you want to do that exercise together?
Speaker 1 (45:57):
Yes, great.
Speaker 2 (46:00):
You ask me, I'll ask you.
Speaker 1 (46:02):
No, oh yeah, what would I know?
But I just said what my innerchild would do.
You want to?
Would you like to share with mewhat would your five-year-old
self like to do right now?
Speaker 2 (46:14):
My five-year-old self would love a hug.
Speaker 1 (46:20):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (46:22):
And some words of affirmation Okay, close your
eyes.
Speaker 1 (46:27):
Please Close your eyes, tune in.
Just putting your arms on yourshoulders, okay, but feel what
she feels like to receive thehug.
Yeah beautiful self and tuneinto what she needs to hear and
(47:02):
then offer her five phrasesbeginning with.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
I am Offer those to her.
I am cute, I am very smart, Iam very strong and I am worthy.
(47:27):
You know things that babieswant to hear.
Yeah, that was adorable and Iremember like when I was around
that age I had like littlepigtails like that.
My mom, would you know, fix myhair like that.
I think inner child work is, ohmy gosh, so important and I
(47:48):
love how you brought that up,because that truth ties in with
that inner child, whether it's alittle boy or a little girl.
Speaker 1 (47:57):
Yeah, a lot of times I was asked how do I know what
my truth, how do I know what mypurpose is?
And you know, purpose issomething that I was taught to
look for on the outside, like Iwould find my purpose.
I was looking around, therewould be, you know, somebody
(48:21):
would walk by, walk around witha tray and my purpose would be
there.
And then I realized that mypurpose would come when I would
align to my inner truth.
And my inner truth would unfoldfrom my willingness to be still
with my inner self.
(48:44):
And how could I impress myinner self, my inner child or
inner self, and what wouldreally bring her joy?
How could I offer that to her?
And little by little, by tuninginto my inner self, younger
(49:06):
self, my truth unfolded and mypurpose, which is what I feel
that I'm doing today, actuallyjust it.
It unfolded, not as fast as Iwould have liked it to, but I
met robert thurman, I met joe, Imet in new york city at the
buddhist center.
I met my two teachers.
(49:27):
I'm I, I, all of a sudden I metGabor Mate, just randomly, I
became a meditation teacher andthen I all these things just
happened, maybe not as I, as Iplanned them to happen as
quickly as I wanted them to, butthey did.
If I just I needed to get outof the way.
Yeah, because expectations kill.
(49:49):
They kill the path of wholeness.
Speaker 2 (49:54):
You know I don't know if in my trainings, I was
always trained by my supervisor,of course to look for words
when people are talking, observewords, and there's this word
that you used a few seconds agoand I want to make that out
(50:14):
there.
Say that to everybody.
That are people pleasers, andthey know that there are people
pleasers that the most importantperson you need to impress is
yourself, your inner child.
That was so powerful.
I absolutely love that.
I'm definitely going to takethat and that's such a wise
(50:35):
thing to say, stephanie.
Speaker 1 (50:39):
Wow, thank you for listening.
I just want to acknowledge youfor being such a deep listener,
because it's a gift and throughlistening we deepen within
ourself and throughcompassionate listening by
listening without being in themind but by being in the heart
(51:02):
which I noticed that you havethat gift and so I really want
to acknowledge you and thank youfor opening up this
conversation and allowing for methis space, and I really I hope
it's just the beginning of thefriendship and and yeah, and may
(51:23):
we all leave today with thatimage of how, of our younger
selves and how, how can weimpress them in this now moment,
in this day, in this life, andare we willing to do whatever it
needs to impress them so thatthey smile, so that they feel
(51:44):
seen and loved and heard,because that's the the essence
of all the teachings isself-love, and we can't really
fully love anyone or anythingelse until we learn to deeply
forgive ourselves for who, maybewhere our past, and come into a
(52:09):
place of reconciliation andresonance with the now moment
and be fully open and curiousand joyful, because we need this
, we need to embody the joy inthis times of darkness.
Speaker 2 (52:26):
Yes.
I believe, that and I also lovehow you broke down what
self-love really is, because thedefinition is very surface
level and it's not reallyexplained.
So you're absolutely right.
People would think like, oh,what is it?
A hug.
Self-love is looking at myselfin the mirror and saying, wow,
you look great.
(52:47):
And it's so much deeper thanthat.
It's honoring your boundaries.
It's understanding when to sayyes comfortably, no, confidently
.
I love that explanation.
Everything you said was just sospot on and beautiful.
I'm so honored to have you onmy show, honored to know you,
(53:09):
and I know with this episodepeople are really going to
really just click and reallyunderstand how to start with
their truthful journey.
Speaker 1 (53:20):
Wonderful.
Thank you, I appreciate you.
Thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
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