001: Boundaries Don't Blame

A "quick-take" episode on the significance of setting boundaries without pointing fingers.

Join host Brent Peak, LPC, on the Empowered Serenity Podcast for practical strategies and heartfelt insights to help you cultivate inner peace, reduce stress, and build stronger relationships. Subscribe now and start your journey towards a more empowered, balanced life.

Learn more about Brent and his services at www.brentpeak.com.

Disclaimer: The Empowered Serenity Podcast is for informational and inspirational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy or medical advice. Always consult with a licensed therapist, counselor, or healthcare provider for personalized support and guidance.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to a Quick Take episode of the Empowered Serenity podcast.

(00:06):
I'm Brent Peak, your host.
I'm a licensed professional counselor as well as a therapeutic coach.
And I realized that the podcast has not formally launched yet, but every once in a while, I'm
going to be doing these Quick Take episodes that are shorter, a little more informal,
and who knows, maybe this is how most of them will end up down the road.
But today I want to share a Quick Take with you about boundaries.

(00:28):
I was working with some clients the other day and a thought occurred to me as we were
talking about boundaries and I thought I would pass it along to you.
And that thought is this, boundaries do not blame.
Boundaries do not blame.
When you set a boundary with someone, you're essentially saying to them that there's something
going on with them that is incongruent with how you prefer to live your life.

(00:52):
Whether it is something as seemingly insignificant as your partner leaving clothes on the floor,
maybe something a little more serious, such as whether or not we're going to have kids
or where we're going to live, what part of the country we're going to live in, and everything
in between.
When you share a boundary, when you discuss what you do and don't want in a relationship,

(01:15):
boundaries don't blame.
You don't blame the other person for where they're coming from.
It is really important.
If you can't quite muster the empathy for their position right now, then determine that
you're not going to blame them for where they're at.
And you are simply letting them know that there is something they're doing or not doing
that is incongruent with how you want to live your life.

(01:38):
Not necessarily in some big, huge way.
Might be in a, again, a seemingly small way like socks left on the floor.
You'd rather not see that.
You're not judging the other person for what they're doing or what they think or where
they're at on that situation.
You're simply letting them know what you are and are not willing to tolerate, what you

(02:00):
are okay with and what you're not okay with.
And you share it with them and you say, not cool with that.
Can we find another way to take care of this?
Preferably would you be willing to accommodate me by not doing that?
Now you can't help that some people are going to feel judged no matter how carefully you

(02:20):
try to craft those statements.
And there's not a whole lot you can do about that except to be building up a lot of positive
experiences for them where you sharing your preferences is not done in a judgy condemning
sort of way.
It's going to take time to build up that trust.
It took time to lose that trust.
There was probably a time in the relationship for the back where you could share your preferences

(02:44):
on things.
You set a boundary around something and it was no problem for them to accommodate you.
Things kind of take a turn the longer in a relationship as the newness wears off and
some things start to irritate each other a bit more.
And so you share with them what you're hoping for and they take it as a judgment.

(03:05):
It's going to take some work.
If that's where you're at right now, it's going to take some work to reassure them,
look, this is not about judging you for where you're at.
I'm simply letting you know what my preferences are and I'm happy to hear your preferences
on things too.
But if you are willing to accommodate me on this, that would be really great.
Now if they agree to accommodate you on whatever it is, say, okay, I'll pick up my socks.

(03:29):
Whenever someone agrees to help you out with something like that, it is really critical
that you express your appreciation and you offer support.
If they say they're willing to pick up their socks, then you say, thank you, I really appreciate
that.
That means a lot to me and say sincerely, let them know that it means a lot to you,

(03:50):
that they are willing to accommodate you.
And then ask them if there's anything you can do to help them out with that.
If someone is agreeing to do something for you, then offer some support for them.
I'm not saying you have to every time, maybe around the socks thing, you don't have to,
but it certainly wouldn't hurt.

(04:10):
And if it is around something more significant that is going to have a bit of a cost for
them, again, looking at the more serious extreme of where we choose to live, is there anything
that you could do to make a choice more palatable for them that wasn't their first choice?

(04:32):
The goal is to be supportive, to be as understanding as you can be and to not judge the other
person for thinking, feeling, or wanting to do differently on something.
If you want Chinese takeout and they want to dine out at an Italian restaurant, you
don't judge them for wanting to eat out when you want to bring it home.

(04:54):
You don't judge them for wanting Italian when you wanted Chinese.
You just simply share a matter of factly what your preferences are.
Boundaries don't blame.
And when you set your boundary with somebody, don't blame them for where they're at.
If you can offer any degree of understanding and acknowledging what is understandable about

(05:17):
where they're coming from, you know what, even the socks thing, if it's understandable
to you that your partner or spouse has been working really hard lately and let a few things
slip because they've got so many other things on their plate, acknowledge that.
That doesn't mean that you can't ask for what you want or what you need there, but just
acknowledge that, yeah, they got things going on.

(05:38):
Yeah, this is going to take some extra effort.
That's where your appreciation will be really validating for them.
Boundaries don't blame.
Remember that.
Again, this is a quick take episode of the Empowered Serenity Podcast.
I'm Brent Peek.
Thanks for listening.