June 26, 2024 • 26 mins
In this episode, we dive into three common statements that parents often make with the best of intentions, believing they are encouraging and supportive. However, these statements can actually have unintended negative effects on a child's emotional development. We'll explore why these statements sound positive, the hidden harms they may cause, and how children might interpret them. Most importantly, we'll discuss healthier alternatives and the necessary mindset shifts parents can make to foster a nurturing and supportive environment for their children.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the Empowered Serenity podcast. I'm Brent Peak, a licensed professional counselor and
(00:16):
therapeutic coach. Are you ready to reclaim yourself worth, reduce stress and build stronger,
healthier relationships, then you've come to the right place? Each week, we'll dive into
practical strategies and heartfelt insights designed to help you cultivate inner peace
and live a more empowered, balanced life. That's the journey we're on together.
(00:40):
From emotional healing to transformative connections, we'll explore a variety of
topics to support you on your path to true empowerment and serenity. Join me on this
journey to deep emotional healing and discover the peace and strength within you.
(01:06):
Welcome back to the Empowered Serenity podcast. I am Brent Peake, and I'm glad you're here today.
Today, we're going to talk about three statements that sound like good parenting, but aren't.
So, in my experience, I have found that parenting is one of the most challenging,
(01:28):
but also rewarding roles that any of us can be in. But even with the best of intentions,
parents, we often say things to our children that we think are going to be supportive and encouraging.
And while they may seem positive on the surface or in our intent, they can actually be very
(01:49):
positive on our kids and their emotional development. So, today I want to look at three
common statements that you may have said, and I may have said some things like these at one time
or another or believed it. I've certainly heard them from my clients, either things they've said
to their own kids or things that they heard growing up. But these are not extremely uncommon,
(02:16):
and some of them are quite common, that sound like good parenting, but actually contribute
to what I call, and what others may refer to as some of our core wounds. Those core wounds,
the three core wounds, by the way, are inadequacy. When you experience something in childhood or your
(02:36):
teenage years that leads you to feel like you are not enough, as you are. There's also the core wound
of intrusion, where someone who is a significant caregiver in your life growing up, whether it's
a parent or a teacher or some other adult who should have been responsible, but is intrusive
(02:56):
in some way. This could be straight up abuse. This could be a parent who is over dependent on
a child for their emotional support in some way, and a lot of other ways that a parent can be,
I guess, simply put, too much sometimes. So the core wound of intrusion, and then the core wound
of inattention, which can look like the worst cases of neglect or abandonment that you've heard of,
(03:22):
but also emotional neglect, not offering the emotional support that a child needs.
And that's actually quite common. What I have found in these core wounds is that
whether you experience primarily intrusion or inattention, inadequacy always goes along with it.
So because all of us deal with some degree of questioning how much we matter, are we enough?
(03:48):
And I think every single one of us struggles with that to some degree in our life. So those are the
three core wounds, by the way. But we're going to look at some statements today that sound like good
parenting, but actually are probably contributing to one or more of these core wounds. So we're also
going to look at some healthy alternatives, let you know what you might want to consider saying
(04:10):
so that we can begin to develop some healthier patterns with our kids. And this isn't just about
parenting, by the way. Whenever I talk about parenting, I'm also talking about what you went
through as a child. I almost hate to target this to parents necessarily, because more so,
(04:30):
while I absolutely want you to be a better parent to your kids, my goal is to help you heal
so that you can experience a full life. And a benefit of that is being able to be a better
parent to your kids so that you're not inadvertently taking out your core wounds on your kids.
But we, all of us have gone through some of these things ourselves. We've heard these statements
(04:54):
ourselves. Many of us have heard many of these. So this is as much for you as a former young person
and child who went through some difficult experiences as it is for you as a parent in wanting
to be a better parent to your kids. So my hope is that you'll experience both benefits of this.
(05:16):
Okay, so let's get through this. The first one, really common one. You may have heard something
along the lines of, you can always do better. And that may have been followed up with something
about your potential and your abilities, but the core of this one is that you can always do better.
(05:39):
Now, I get the intent of this. We want to motivate our kids to fulfill their potential. And
frankly, every single one of us has more potential than we tend to live out most of the time.
But, you know, and so that sounds good when we say that because we're trying to
motivate our kids and encourage them to strive for excellence. But there's a hidden
(06:05):
harm here that becomes less hidden over time, while the intention is positive.
And, and I would say none of us completely lives up to the potential that we have. That,
that doesn't affect who we are at our core value and worth. And this kind of a statement,
(06:25):
you can always do better, can easily end up creating a core wound of inadequacy.
Because whether we, we, whether we reflect it explicitly like this or not, when we hear,
you can always do better, then we might interpret that and our kids may interpret that as,
(06:46):
you're never good enough. If I can always do better, then I'm never good enough.
But we don't want our kids to take that message and say, well, I'm not good enough.
We don't want our kids to take that message home. So we have to find another way to say this.
But over time, this implies that our, our kids' efforts are never enough and that they have to
(07:10):
constantly look for what they need to adjust and improve on in order to gain approval.
And I think you can easily see how this would lead to feelings of worthlessness, a persistent
fear of failure. Our kids might implicitly interpret this as, I'll never be good enough.
And that can lead to fear, shame, anxiety, lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem.
(07:38):
So we have to recognize and celebrate the effort and progress that our kids made. Now,
I am not talking about everybody gets a participation award here, although I'm okay with that.
But I'm not talking about equalizing everybody here in their achievements, but we have to
recognize the effort and progress our kids make rather than focusing solely on the end results.
(08:04):
We have to understand that perfection is not the goal, that growth and learning are.
You don't want to end up teaching your kids that life is either pass or fail.
If it's not an A, it might as well be an F. And frankly, some of you may have heard something
like that growing up. It's crucial that we shift from that outcome-oriented mindset to a
(08:26):
process-oriented one that means we value the steps our kids take, because our kids are always growing
and learning. It's always a progression. And I hope that's the same for you too. And so every
step of the way, there are challenges to overcome, there are things to learn, and we should say,
we should learn and we should celebrate all of that. The personal improvements that our kids make
(08:52):
along the way and that you make along the way as a parent. I hope you as a parent realize you
haven't arrived and that there's a lot for you to learn as well. So we have to acknowledge that
every child's journey is unique, that setbacks are a natural part of growth. And when we do this,
build our kids' confidence in their abilities and resilience in the face of difficulties.
(09:16):
So what do we need to do? Well, instead of focusing on that constant improvement,
we're going to acknowledge our kids' efforts. And you might, instead of saying,
you can always do better, try saying, I'm really proud of the work that you put into this.
Your dedication to this, your commitment to this, that is impressive. That's commendable.
(09:39):
I'm proud of you for that. This approach validates our kids' efforts and encourages that
growth mindset without making them feel inadequate. So the first statement that sounds like good
parenting, but in my opinion actually isn't, is you can always do better. The second one,
(10:01):
and this one gets, well frankly, this one gets a little more insidious. Praising your child for
their emotional support of you, saying something like this, you're my rock. I don't know what I do
without you. I've heard that from my clients, either they've said it to their kids or more
(10:28):
often they've heard it from their parents. Why does this sound good? Well, it's often used,
when it's used, it's meant to express appreciation, love. You're showing that your child is
significant to you and a valued part of the family. And I get that, but the hidden harm here is that
this reflects a parent who is relying on a child or a teenager for the emotional support that that
(10:57):
adult needs to be finding from another adult. The way this comes up the most often and with the
clients that I work with would be, let's say that parents are going through a divorce or after the
divorce and one parent becomes too emotionally dependent on a child. Or maybe a parent has not
(11:23):
been dealing with their own mental health issues, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and they
become too emotionally dependent on their child. What ends up happening for the child is that it
forces them into an adult role, making that child feel responsible for the parent's emotional
(11:46):
stability. And this is a core wound of intrusion right here, leading that child to feel like they
don't have a right to personal boundaries, that their duty is to take care of other people's
emotional well-being and often at the expense of their own. In terms of co-dependence and
(12:09):
independence and other models of development that are out there, this would be called enmeshment,
where an adult benefits from the relationship at the child's expense. And I realize that sounds
harsh and frankly it's meant to be. You as a parent are harming your child when you put them
(12:35):
in the position of caring for your emotions, of being responsible for your emotions.
Another way of saying this that sounds, that is quite common, but doesn't sound quite so idealized
as, you know, you're my rock, I don't know what I'd do without you, but is when we blame our kids
(12:55):
for a negative effect, you make me so angry, you're making me so sad right now. No, that is
you being irresponsible with your emotions, that is not your child making you feel a certain way,
which by the way I think you just need to drop the word make and any emotion from your vocabulary,
(13:17):
whether you're talking about your kids, your partner, spouse, another family member, friend,
whoever. But with our kids, what they end up learning is I don't get to have boundaries
and it's my obligation to take care of other people. I'm responsible for my parents emotional
well-being. That can absolutely lead to anxiety and overwhelming sense of guilt or duty when they
(13:41):
don't take care of their own needs. So what's the mindset shift that you need to have here with
your own kids? Well, recognize the importance of maintaining healthy emotional boundaries
between you and your kids. You have to understand that while it's important to express love and
appreciation to your kids, because yeah, our kids are going to do things that are going to be
(14:02):
meaningful to us, that we're going to love and appreciate, but it's crucial to ensure that
in the process of expressing our appreciation, that we're checking in to make sure that our kids
are not feeling burdened with adult responsibilities. This requires a shift from viewing your child as an
emotional crutch to acknowledging them as a growing individual who needs their own space and autonomy
(14:29):
to develop independently. You don't want your kid feeling like your emotional thermostat or an
emotional appendage to you. We have to find other appropriate sources of emotional support from
peers, professionals, other family members, so that we can ensure that our kids emotion, that
(14:51):
that our emotional needs don't overwhelm our kids ability and opportunity to simply be a kid.
So this means that we've got to have that supportive environment for them. That's the
direction the support needs to go so that they can feel safe expressing their own needs and emotions
without feeling responsible for ours. So what do we want to say instead of praising our kids in a way
(15:16):
that would position us as emotionally dependent upon them and them as responsible for that?
Well, just let your kids know, you know, share simple gratitude and say, hey, I really appreciate
your help today. It means a lot. But also it's important for you to have your own time, your own
choices. And so I don't want you and I say this to my kids, I say this to my own kids fairly often,
(15:43):
or at times, I don't want you to feel responsible for making me feel happy or feel good. I love it
when you contribute to that, but I don't want you to feel like it's your responsibility.
So when you can say something like that, that shows appreciation for them without placing an
emotional burden on them. So the first statement, you can always do better, can create that core
(16:06):
wound of inadequacy. The second statement, you're my rock, I don't know what I do without you or
some other type of praise that sets up an emotional dependency that creates a core wound of
intrusion. The third statement that I want to look at today is one that can develop a core wound of
(16:28):
inattention in our kids. And that is something that might sound like this. You're so responsible.
I know I can trust you to handle things on your own. I know you're going to be okay.
And this sets up a core wound of inattention here. It is potentially
a form of emotional neglect. It depends on the age, depends on the level of autonomy
(16:53):
that's appropriate for our kid at whatever age they're at. But I'm more so referring to situations
where there's something else going on. The spotlight is somewhere else in the family.
It might be issues with another sibling. It might be parents' relationship issues going on. It might
(17:14):
be someone in the family with a chronic illness. These are things that may not even be
a bad thing in and of itself with some bad intent from anybody. Sometimes it's just
something really difficult that comes up. And what we end up doing sometimes
is not paying enough attention to one of the quiet good kids in the family. You may have been that
(17:43):
quiet good kid in the family who felt like it was your job to make sure you didn't add to whatever
burden you already saw your parents experiencing either with another sibling of yours or with some
other difficulty going on in the family. So, I'm going to be talking about that.
I'm going to be talking about some other difficulty going on in your parents' life.
(18:06):
And we end up becoming what Pia Melody in her book Facing Codependence refers to as a lost child
because we get lost in whatever other drama is going on and the spotlight is somewhere else.
Now, it sounds good when a parent might say to a child, hey, I'm glad I can trust you to handle
(18:30):
this. I know you're going to be okay because it praises their independence, your reliability,
boosting confidence and self-sufficiency. But you have to make sure that that is age and situation
appropriate and that you're not chronically leaving your kid in the shadows. The hidden harm here is
(18:52):
that while independence is a valuable trade, assuming that a well-behaved child can manage
everything on their own, can lead to that core wound of an inattention. And it may cause that
child to feel overlooked, unsupported, as if their emotional and psychological needs aren't as
important. And even though you may have never explicitly said this to them, they're going to
(19:17):
end up putting their needs and desires behind other people's. And they're going to implicitly
interpret this message as my needs don't matter or aren't as important as whatever else is going on.
And that can become a chronic message and ingrained belief throughout their life. And some of you may
(19:40):
be dealing with this now as an adult where, excuse me, where you are constantly putting other people's
needs ahead of your own and you're burning out, you're overwhelmed, feeling undervalued,
unappreciated. So with our own kids, what's the mindset shift that we need to have?
We need to find some balance here. I'm not saying that it's wrong to want your kids to be able to
(20:06):
handle things on their own. Obviously, we want to get them to that point. But we have to recognize
that while it's beneficial to encourage that independence, that autonomy and self-sufficiency,
it's also equally important to make sure that our kids feel supported and attended to, especially
emotionally. We have to shift from assuming that independence means less need for parental
(20:29):
involvement to understanding that every child, no matter how responsible, still requires emotional
support and guidance. So it's important that we are proactively checking in with our kids,
providing a listening ear, making sure they know that we're here to listen to them. If your kids
are teenagers, they're probably not going to take you up on that as much as you would like, but
(20:54):
hopefully in a critical moment, they will. This is going to help our kids feel valued, understood,
and reinforcing to them that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness, that they can ask for
help without feeling like a burden on us. So instead of praising your kids' independence
(21:17):
without offering that emotional support, just let them know, hey, I'm proud of how responsible
you are, and I'm glad I can trust you with this or with that. But if you ever need help or just
want to talk, please know I'm here for you. You don't always have to handle everything on your own.
Make sure your kids know that. We can encourage their independence while making sure that they
(21:37):
feel valued and supported. So three ways, three examples of how we might feel like we're really
doing a great job in saying those things as a parent, but actually we may be causing harm.
I don't want you to feel this immense burden of guilt about this. These are the things that
(21:59):
I hear quite often in my therapy sessions. Sometimes I even hear them from other people
in my life, and I try not to therapy them. I just bite my tongue and nod and smile.
But if I've done that to you, if you're someone I've met or know along the way,
(22:20):
well, you've just got a little peek behind the curtain there. But I, I'm not going to lie,
I don't want you to feel overly burdened. But if there is room for some remorse and accountability
(22:40):
and improvement, I'd like you to take action on that. Be responsible with the words that you're
saying to your kids. And also I encourage you to go back to any of those core wounds that you
may have experienced. You may have experienced some of these core wounds I'm talking about.
(23:05):
You may have heard some similar sentiments to these from your parents growing up or from other
adults in your life. And if you have questions about that, or you'd like support about that,
I encourage you to reach out to me. I do have some resources on my website at brentpeake.com
that may be helpful to you. I also invite you to join our new Facebook community,
(23:29):
the Empowered Serenity Community. You can look that up on Facebook. And that's where you can
ask some questions. I'll be offering some resources there in the near future, hosting some
support videos, some coaching videos on there. So that's where you can get a chance to join a
(23:49):
new and hopefully soon growing community of people that care about things like this,
that care about taking care of your core wounds, so that you can begin to be a better parent,
be a better family member, be a better friend. There is always room for improvement. But you are
enough the way you are, and you deserve to be valued and appreciated. So if you can identify
(24:14):
with any of this, shoot me a message at brentpeake.com or check out the Facebook group,
the Empowered Serenity Community, where I'd be happy to join in conversation with you there.
So thanks for listening. I appreciate those of you that are listening to the podcast,
just a handful of folks so far. We're still new here, but your listening, your support means a
(24:37):
whole lot to me. If you'd like to show that support, just simply subscribe to the podcast,
rate it, leave a review, and I would love to hear from you. So go ahead and shoot me a message
through brentpeake.com or join the Empowered Serenity Community on Facebook. But thanks again
(24:58):
for listening, and we'll see you next time on the Empowered Serenity Podcast.
(25:28):
The information provided in the Empowered Serenity Podcast is for educational and
(25:55):
informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis,
or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, therapist, or other qualified health
provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concerns.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have
heard on this podcast. If you are experiencing a crisis, please contact your local emergency
(26:20):
services or seek immediate help from a mental health professional. The views expressed by
guests on the podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Brent Peak
or North Valley Therapy Services.
Welcome to the Empowered Serenity podcast. I'm Brent Peak, a licensed professional counselor and
(00:16):
therapeutic coach. Are you ready to reclaim yourself worth, reduce stress and build stronger,
healthier relationships, then you've come to the right place? Each week, we'll dive into
practical strategies and heartfelt insights designed to help you cultivate inner peace
and live a more empowered, balanced life. That's the journey we're on together.
(00:40):
From emotional healing to transformative connections, we'll explore a variety of
topics to support you on your path to true empowerment and serenity. Join me on this
journey to deep emotional healing and discover the peace and strength within you.
(01:06):
Welcome back to the Empowered Serenity podcast. I am Brent Peake, and I'm glad you're here today.
Today, we're going to talk about three statements that sound like good parenting, but aren't.
So, in my experience, I have found that parenting is one of the most challenging,
(01:28):
but also rewarding roles that any of us can be in. But even with the best of intentions,
parents, we often say things to our children that we think are going to be supportive and encouraging.
And while they may seem positive on the surface or in our intent, they can actually be very
(01:49):
positive on our kids and their emotional development. So, today I want to look at three
common statements that you may have said, and I may have said some things like these at one time
or another or believed it. I've certainly heard them from my clients, either things they've said
to their own kids or things that they heard growing up. But these are not extremely uncommon,
(02:16):
and some of them are quite common, that sound like good parenting, but actually contribute
to what I call, and what others may refer to as some of our core wounds. Those core wounds,
the three core wounds, by the way, are inadequacy. When you experience something in childhood or your
(02:36):
teenage years that leads you to feel like you are not enough, as you are. There's also the core wound
of intrusion, where someone who is a significant caregiver in your life growing up, whether it's
a parent or a teacher or some other adult who should have been responsible, but is intrusive
(02:56):
in some way. This could be straight up abuse. This could be a parent who is over dependent on
a child for their emotional support in some way, and a lot of other ways that a parent can be,
I guess, simply put, too much sometimes. So the core wound of intrusion, and then the core wound
of inattention, which can look like the worst cases of neglect or abandonment that you've heard of,
(03:22):
but also emotional neglect, not offering the emotional support that a child needs.
And that's actually quite common. What I have found in these core wounds is that
whether you experience primarily intrusion or inattention, inadequacy always goes along with it.
So because all of us deal with some degree of questioning how much we matter, are we enough?
(03:48):
And I think every single one of us struggles with that to some degree in our life. So those are the
three core wounds, by the way. But we're going to look at some statements today that sound like good
parenting, but actually are probably contributing to one or more of these core wounds. So we're also
going to look at some healthy alternatives, let you know what you might want to consider saying
(04:10):
so that we can begin to develop some healthier patterns with our kids. And this isn't just about
parenting, by the way. Whenever I talk about parenting, I'm also talking about what you went
through as a child. I almost hate to target this to parents necessarily, because more so,
(04:30):
while I absolutely want you to be a better parent to your kids, my goal is to help you heal
so that you can experience a full life. And a benefit of that is being able to be a better
parent to your kids so that you're not inadvertently taking out your core wounds on your kids.
But we, all of us have gone through some of these things ourselves. We've heard these statements
(04:54):
ourselves. Many of us have heard many of these. So this is as much for you as a former young person
and child who went through some difficult experiences as it is for you as a parent in wanting
to be a better parent to your kids. So my hope is that you'll experience both benefits of this.
(05:16):
Okay, so let's get through this. The first one, really common one. You may have heard something
along the lines of, you can always do better. And that may have been followed up with something
about your potential and your abilities, but the core of this one is that you can always do better.
(05:39):
Now, I get the intent of this. We want to motivate our kids to fulfill their potential. And
frankly, every single one of us has more potential than we tend to live out most of the time.
But, you know, and so that sounds good when we say that because we're trying to
motivate our kids and encourage them to strive for excellence. But there's a hidden
(06:05):
harm here that becomes less hidden over time, while the intention is positive.
And, and I would say none of us completely lives up to the potential that we have. That,
that doesn't affect who we are at our core value and worth. And this kind of a statement,
(06:25):
you can always do better, can easily end up creating a core wound of inadequacy.
Because whether we, we, whether we reflect it explicitly like this or not, when we hear,
you can always do better, then we might interpret that and our kids may interpret that as,
(06:46):
you're never good enough. If I can always do better, then I'm never good enough.
But we don't want our kids to take that message and say, well, I'm not good enough.
We don't want our kids to take that message home. So we have to find another way to say this.
But over time, this implies that our, our kids' efforts are never enough and that they have to
(07:10):
constantly look for what they need to adjust and improve on in order to gain approval.
And I think you can easily see how this would lead to feelings of worthlessness, a persistent
fear of failure. Our kids might implicitly interpret this as, I'll never be good enough.
And that can lead to fear, shame, anxiety, lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem.
(07:38):
So we have to recognize and celebrate the effort and progress that our kids made. Now,
I am not talking about everybody gets a participation award here, although I'm okay with that.
But I'm not talking about equalizing everybody here in their achievements, but we have to
recognize the effort and progress our kids make rather than focusing solely on the end results.
(08:04):
We have to understand that perfection is not the goal, that growth and learning are.
You don't want to end up teaching your kids that life is either pass or fail.
If it's not an A, it might as well be an F. And frankly, some of you may have heard something
like that growing up. It's crucial that we shift from that outcome-oriented mindset to a
(08:26):
process-oriented one that means we value the steps our kids take, because our kids are always growing
and learning. It's always a progression. And I hope that's the same for you too. And so every
step of the way, there are challenges to overcome, there are things to learn, and we should say,
we should learn and we should celebrate all of that. The personal improvements that our kids make
(08:52):
along the way and that you make along the way as a parent. I hope you as a parent realize you
haven't arrived and that there's a lot for you to learn as well. So we have to acknowledge that
every child's journey is unique, that setbacks are a natural part of growth. And when we do this,
build our kids' confidence in their abilities and resilience in the face of difficulties.
(09:16):
So what do we need to do? Well, instead of focusing on that constant improvement,
we're going to acknowledge our kids' efforts. And you might, instead of saying,
you can always do better, try saying, I'm really proud of the work that you put into this.
Your dedication to this, your commitment to this, that is impressive. That's commendable.
(09:39):
I'm proud of you for that. This approach validates our kids' efforts and encourages that
growth mindset without making them feel inadequate. So the first statement that sounds like good
parenting, but in my opinion actually isn't, is you can always do better. The second one,
(10:01):
and this one gets, well frankly, this one gets a little more insidious. Praising your child for
their emotional support of you, saying something like this, you're my rock. I don't know what I do
without you. I've heard that from my clients, either they've said it to their kids or more
(10:28):
often they've heard it from their parents. Why does this sound good? Well, it's often used,
when it's used, it's meant to express appreciation, love. You're showing that your child is
significant to you and a valued part of the family. And I get that, but the hidden harm here is that
this reflects a parent who is relying on a child or a teenager for the emotional support that that
(10:57):
adult needs to be finding from another adult. The way this comes up the most often and with the
clients that I work with would be, let's say that parents are going through a divorce or after the
divorce and one parent becomes too emotionally dependent on a child. Or maybe a parent has not
(11:23):
been dealing with their own mental health issues, depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, and they
become too emotionally dependent on their child. What ends up happening for the child is that it
forces them into an adult role, making that child feel responsible for the parent's emotional
(11:46):
stability. And this is a core wound of intrusion right here, leading that child to feel like they
don't have a right to personal boundaries, that their duty is to take care of other people's
emotional well-being and often at the expense of their own. In terms of co-dependence and
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independence and other models of development that are out there, this would be called enmeshment,
where an adult benefits from the relationship at the child's expense. And I realize that sounds
harsh and frankly it's meant to be. You as a parent are harming your child when you put them
(12:35):
in the position of caring for your emotions, of being responsible for your emotions.
Another way of saying this that sounds, that is quite common, but doesn't sound quite so idealized
as, you know, you're my rock, I don't know what I'd do without you, but is when we blame our kids
(12:55):
for a negative effect, you make me so angry, you're making me so sad right now. No, that is
you being irresponsible with your emotions, that is not your child making you feel a certain way,
which by the way I think you just need to drop the word make and any emotion from your vocabulary,
(13:17):
whether you're talking about your kids, your partner, spouse, another family member, friend,
whoever. But with our kids, what they end up learning is I don't get to have boundaries
and it's my obligation to take care of other people. I'm responsible for my parents emotional
well-being. That can absolutely lead to anxiety and overwhelming sense of guilt or duty when they
(13:41):
don't take care of their own needs. So what's the mindset shift that you need to have here with
your own kids? Well, recognize the importance of maintaining healthy emotional boundaries
between you and your kids. You have to understand that while it's important to express love and
appreciation to your kids, because yeah, our kids are going to do things that are going to be
(14:02):
meaningful to us, that we're going to love and appreciate, but it's crucial to ensure that
in the process of expressing our appreciation, that we're checking in to make sure that our kids
are not feeling burdened with adult responsibilities. This requires a shift from viewing your child as an
emotional crutch to acknowledging them as a growing individual who needs their own space and autonomy
(14:29):
to develop independently. You don't want your kid feeling like your emotional thermostat or an
emotional appendage to you. We have to find other appropriate sources of emotional support from
peers, professionals, other family members, so that we can ensure that our kids emotion, that
(14:51):
that our emotional needs don't overwhelm our kids ability and opportunity to simply be a kid.
So this means that we've got to have that supportive environment for them. That's the
direction the support needs to go so that they can feel safe expressing their own needs and emotions
without feeling responsible for ours. So what do we want to say instead of praising our kids in a way
(15:16):
that would position us as emotionally dependent upon them and them as responsible for that?
Well, just let your kids know, you know, share simple gratitude and say, hey, I really appreciate
your help today. It means a lot. But also it's important for you to have your own time, your own
choices. And so I don't want you and I say this to my kids, I say this to my own kids fairly often,
(15:43):
or at times, I don't want you to feel responsible for making me feel happy or feel good. I love it
when you contribute to that, but I don't want you to feel like it's your responsibility.
So when you can say something like that, that shows appreciation for them without placing an
emotional burden on them. So the first statement, you can always do better, can create that core
(16:06):
wound of inadequacy. The second statement, you're my rock, I don't know what I do without you or
some other type of praise that sets up an emotional dependency that creates a core wound of
intrusion. The third statement that I want to look at today is one that can develop a core wound of
(16:28):
inattention in our kids. And that is something that might sound like this. You're so responsible.
I know I can trust you to handle things on your own. I know you're going to be okay.
And this sets up a core wound of inattention here. It is potentially
a form of emotional neglect. It depends on the age, depends on the level of autonomy
(16:53):
that's appropriate for our kid at whatever age they're at. But I'm more so referring to situations
where there's something else going on. The spotlight is somewhere else in the family.
It might be issues with another sibling. It might be parents' relationship issues going on. It might
(17:14):
be someone in the family with a chronic illness. These are things that may not even be
a bad thing in and of itself with some bad intent from anybody. Sometimes it's just
something really difficult that comes up. And what we end up doing sometimes
is not paying enough attention to one of the quiet good kids in the family. You may have been that
(17:43):
quiet good kid in the family who felt like it was your job to make sure you didn't add to whatever
burden you already saw your parents experiencing either with another sibling of yours or with some
other difficulty going on in the family. So, I'm going to be talking about that.
I'm going to be talking about some other difficulty going on in your parents' life.
(18:06):
And we end up becoming what Pia Melody in her book Facing Codependence refers to as a lost child
because we get lost in whatever other drama is going on and the spotlight is somewhere else.
Now, it sounds good when a parent might say to a child, hey, I'm glad I can trust you to handle
(18:30):
this. I know you're going to be okay because it praises their independence, your reliability,
boosting confidence and self-sufficiency. But you have to make sure that that is age and situation
appropriate and that you're not chronically leaving your kid in the shadows. The hidden harm here is
(18:52):
that while independence is a valuable trade, assuming that a well-behaved child can manage
everything on their own, can lead to that core wound of an inattention. And it may cause that
child to feel overlooked, unsupported, as if their emotional and psychological needs aren't as
important. And even though you may have never explicitly said this to them, they're going to
(19:17):
end up putting their needs and desires behind other people's. And they're going to implicitly
interpret this message as my needs don't matter or aren't as important as whatever else is going on.
And that can become a chronic message and ingrained belief throughout their life. And some of you may
(19:40):
be dealing with this now as an adult where, excuse me, where you are constantly putting other people's
needs ahead of your own and you're burning out, you're overwhelmed, feeling undervalued,
unappreciated. So with our own kids, what's the mindset shift that we need to have?
We need to find some balance here. I'm not saying that it's wrong to want your kids to be able to
(20:06):
handle things on their own. Obviously, we want to get them to that point. But we have to recognize
that while it's beneficial to encourage that independence, that autonomy and self-sufficiency,
it's also equally important to make sure that our kids feel supported and attended to, especially
emotionally. We have to shift from assuming that independence means less need for parental
(20:29):
involvement to understanding that every child, no matter how responsible, still requires emotional
support and guidance. So it's important that we are proactively checking in with our kids,
providing a listening ear, making sure they know that we're here to listen to them. If your kids
are teenagers, they're probably not going to take you up on that as much as you would like, but
(20:54):
hopefully in a critical moment, they will. This is going to help our kids feel valued, understood,
and reinforcing to them that seeking help is a strength, not a weakness, that they can ask for
help without feeling like a burden on us. So instead of praising your kids' independence
(21:17):
without offering that emotional support, just let them know, hey, I'm proud of how responsible
you are, and I'm glad I can trust you with this or with that. But if you ever need help or just
want to talk, please know I'm here for you. You don't always have to handle everything on your own.
Make sure your kids know that. We can encourage their independence while making sure that they
(21:37):
feel valued and supported. So three ways, three examples of how we might feel like we're really
doing a great job in saying those things as a parent, but actually we may be causing harm.
I don't want you to feel this immense burden of guilt about this. These are the things that
(21:59):
I hear quite often in my therapy sessions. Sometimes I even hear them from other people
in my life, and I try not to therapy them. I just bite my tongue and nod and smile.
But if I've done that to you, if you're someone I've met or know along the way,
(22:20):
well, you've just got a little peek behind the curtain there. But I, I'm not going to lie,
I don't want you to feel overly burdened. But if there is room for some remorse and accountability
(22:40):
and improvement, I'd like you to take action on that. Be responsible with the words that you're
saying to your kids. And also I encourage you to go back to any of those core wounds that you
may have experienced. You may have experienced some of these core wounds I'm talking about.
(23:05):
You may have heard some similar sentiments to these from your parents growing up or from other
adults in your life. And if you have questions about that, or you'd like support about that,
I encourage you to reach out to me. I do have some resources on my website at brentpeake.com
that may be helpful to you. I also invite you to join our new Facebook community,
(23:29):
the Empowered Serenity Community. You can look that up on Facebook. And that's where you can
ask some questions. I'll be offering some resources there in the near future, hosting some
support videos, some coaching videos on there. So that's where you can get a chance to join a
(23:49):
new and hopefully soon growing community of people that care about things like this,
that care about taking care of your core wounds, so that you can begin to be a better parent,
be a better family member, be a better friend. There is always room for improvement. But you are
enough the way you are, and you deserve to be valued and appreciated. So if you can identify
(24:14):
with any of this, shoot me a message at brentpeake.com or check out the Facebook group,
the Empowered Serenity Community, where I'd be happy to join in conversation with you there.
So thanks for listening. I appreciate those of you that are listening to the podcast,
just a handful of folks so far. We're still new here, but your listening, your support means a
(24:37):
whole lot to me. If you'd like to show that support, just simply subscribe to the podcast,
rate it, leave a review, and I would love to hear from you. So go ahead and shoot me a message
through brentpeake.com or join the Empowered Serenity Community on Facebook. But thanks again
(24:58):
for listening, and we'll see you next time on the Empowered Serenity Podcast.
(25:28):
The information provided in the Empowered Serenity Podcast is for educational and
(25:55):
informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis,
or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, therapist, or other qualified health
provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition or mental health concerns.
Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have
heard on this podcast. If you are experiencing a crisis, please contact your local emergency
(26:20):
services or seek immediate help from a mental health professional. The views expressed by
guests on the podcast are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of Brent Peak
or North Valley Therapy Services.
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