June 19, 2025 • 54 mins
Have you ever said something in the heat of the moment and instantly regretted it? That regrettable moment reveals the profound difference between reaction and response—a distinction that can transform your relationships.
Your nervous system isn't your enemy—it's your compass, guiding you toward what feels safe and aligned. When we react, our past wounds take control, bypassing our logic and values in just milliseconds. These reactions stem from the amygdala's fight-flight-freeze response and last about 90 seconds in the body unless fed by negative thought patterns. According to the Gottman Institute, a staggering 69% of relationship conflicts revolve around these recurring reactive patterns.
The path to emotional sovereignty lies in understanding both masculine and feminine regulation. The mature masculine breathes before reacting, protects without controlling, and leads with grounded presence. Meanwhile, the mature feminine feels deeply without being consumed, expresses truth without drama, and nurtures without self-sacrifice. Both require moving beyond cultural conditioning that limits emotional expression.
We explore a powerful three-step process to transform reactivity into intentional response: pause (even three deep breaths create a pattern interrupt), name the trigger without blame, and choose an aligned action by asking "What would my highest self do here?" This process creates freedom by breaking automatic loops and opening space for choice.
Daily practices for "nervous system hygiene" are essential—breathwork, cold showers, EFT tapping, setting boundaries, and inner child check-ins all contribute to regulation. Remember, regulation isn't about staying calm; it's about staying connected to your values even during challenging moments. The distinction is vital: reaction escalates while response elevates.
Viktor Frankl wisely noted, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose." By mastering the art of response, you reclaim your power from the past and create relationships built on presence, understanding, and peace. Ready to choose peace over patterns? Your freedom plan starts with a power pause.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, ready.
One, two, three.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
That's what I was going to say.
No, you liar.
No, I swear to God, that'sexactly what I was going to say
Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so
but that's literally what I wasgoing to say.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple Podcast, where your path
to self-mastery expands.
My co-host is empowerment coachZuri Starr, and he's expansion
coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Together we are.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
The Empowerment Couple.
Our mission is simple to serveyou, love, so you can make
informed decisions to regain andmaintain your personal power.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Each episode is an excitingblend of education,
entertainment and empowermentdesigned to help you create a
mindset to be a magnet for morelove, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
create your most beautiful lifeA one Z, a two Z, a three Z
your most beautiful life.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
You're supposed to saysomething?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I forgot.
I agree and I think we'resaying the same thing so let's
get into this, this much neededand highly anticipated uh
podcast yeah, we've been doing alot of this relationship series
this season, namely because weare coaching couples, but also
(01:48):
because Mike is finding thatthere's a greater need to
educate men in his coachingcommunity on how to find balance
and expansion and in theirrelationships your relationships
are really where you end upseeing what needs to be worked
(02:10):
on.
They're such a refining agent,right?
So they're like, oh shit, assoon as you're in a relationship
you realize like, oh wow, thisis not healed or this is.
You know, I haven't integratedthat shadow, like there's all of
these things that come aboutright, correct.
So today we're going to talkabout, from reactivity to
response, the art of choosingpeace over patterns.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Peace over patterns.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Peace over patterns, honey, and so we want to just
make sure that you are in aplace where you understand that
your nervous system is not yourenemy, it's your compass.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
It is letting you know whether or not you're going
in the right direction or thewrong direction.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Right there are times in our relationship because
we're always testing this shitout on each other where our
nervous system feels like anenemy.
It feels like like why am I sorattled?
What's wrong with me and you?
Know, you can fight that fight,you know, against yourself.
But really you should belooking at it as like a check
(03:17):
engine, like like we talk abouta lot on our show, you know, and
in our coaching.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Yeah, of course.
I mean, how often do we getinto not just married couple but
just in general?
You get into a heated debateand you are essentially reacting
right.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah.
So have you ever said somethingin the heat of the moment and
instantly regretted it?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Oh yeah, most certainly.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yes, like instantly, you're just like, oh, okay, so
that would be an example of areaction, and what we're going
to teach today is all aboutfinding that response, that
healthy response, and that'sgoing to be your freedom plan.
Correct, Because the second,that you are disciplined to no
longer be reactionary and you'renow being proactive, you have
(04:07):
freedom.
Yeah, so when you react, thepast is in charge.
When you respond, the presentgets to lead.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
And let me tell you, everything is done in the
present right.
So if you can show up presentin the present, you're going to
get things done.
If you show up in the presentbut in the past you show up in
the present, in the future yournervous system is going to let
you know that you're going inthe wrong direction.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
So we're going to take you on a journey from
unconscious reactivity tointentional, embodied response,
especially in relationships.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
So, to begin this journey, we are going to talk
about reactivity, which is theunconscious loop.
The definition of a reaction isan automatic, emotionally
driven behavior that oftenbypasses logic or values.
It's fast, defensive andusually comes from a wound or
(05:12):
unmet need.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Right so wound management.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I like what you said about it.
Bypasses logic or values.
I feel, like that is so key.
Yes or values.
I feel like that is so keybecause often your reaction is
not about you know you forgetyour values, correct.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Correct.
You know, a bad reaction couldhave you yelling at a
two-year-old toddler who's notgoing to understand what's going
on.
Right, it defies logic.
So reactions are oftentriggered by the amygdala, which
is the part of the brain thatis associated with the fight
flight freeze scenario right Now.
(05:53):
These reactions, they lastabout 90 seconds in the body and
according to Dr JillBull-Taylor, they last 90
seconds in the body unlessthey're fed by the mind.
Right.
Right.
So if you have a reaction inthe body and you follow it up
with negative, habitual thinking, Right, some kind of
(06:17):
unconscious loop that is part ofyour wound.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
That is correct.
Then you're going to have afull meltdown.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
That is correct Then you're going to have a full
meltdown and, according to theGottman Institute, 69% of
relationship conflicts are aboutrecurring issues, aka repeated
reactive patterns.
Does that sound familiar.
Misregulated emotional responsein men is often a culture that
(06:43):
equates masculinity with control, stoicism or aggression and
(07:17):
without healthy models foremotional regulation, men may
default to shut down or freezeanger, which is fight, or escape
, which is flight, which isflight.
Right.
So the mature masculine isn'temotionalist, it's emotionally
sovereign.
Right.
So the mature masculinebreathes before reacting.
(07:37):
Right Protects withoutcontrolling and leads with
grounded presence.
Right Regulation, therefore, isnot a weakness, it's mastery
right and the emotionalintelligence really is going to
be the new strength standard forthe modern man.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yes.
I love that.
So here's how it shows up inwomen, because of course it
shows up for both of us and weneed the balance.
You can't just look at yourpartner and be like it's all
your fault, it's like never.
This takes two to tango.
Is is very appropriate for allconflicts.
So a dysregulated emotionalresponse in women often reflects
(08:20):
a disconnection from the maturefeminine, a version of self who
feels safe, expressed andemotionally sovereign.
When emotions feel overwhelming, silenced or weaponized, it's
often rooted in early woundsbeing shamed for sensitivity,
for example, taught to pleaseinstead of feel, or mothered by
(08:45):
someone who modeled insecurity,control or repression, or all
three.
Without guidance in emotionalalchemy, women may default to
people pleasing emotionaloutburst, shutdown or
self-abandonment.
This sounds like my high schoolversion of myself.
The mature feminine isn'treactive, she's receptive.
(09:10):
She feels deeply but isn'tconsumed.
She expresses truth withoutdrama.
She nurtures withoutself-sacrifice.
You hear that women Nurtureswithout self-sacrifice, no
martyrdom, and regulates not tosuppress but to stay empowered.
Emotional regulation is theportal to embodiment, and
(09:35):
embodiment is her true power,your true power, my true power,
yeah.
So obviously, as theempowerment couple, we're trying
to help you all.
All the empowered posse embodytrue power, masculine or
feminine, and a reaction is areflex from your history.
(09:58):
So it's like your muscle islike spasming and that's what's
creating the pattern.
So it is really an unconsciousloop.
A response is a choice fromyour healing.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
That's beautiful.
I feel like there's so muchinformation there.
I mean, yes, when you react,you're literally going from a
pattern, and when you areresponding, you are setting a
pattern.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
So let's talk now about regulated choice, also
known as the response.
A response is a thoughtful,emotionally aware action based
on the current moment, not thepast.
It requires nervous systemregulation and emotional
maturity, which is why wecovered how to find your
(10:54):
emotional masculine, mature,emotionally mature masculine and
how to find your emotionallymature feminine.
So the three steps to responsethat we would like to propose is
to number one, pause, eventhree deep breaths creates a
(11:16):
pattern interrupt and, as wesaid last week, you can't be
like tell your partner tobreathe last week.
You can't be like tell yourpartner to breathe.
You have to actually just takethe deep breath and create the
pattern interruption and bewilling to lead with your
example.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Yes, and I can't state the importance of enough
about breaking that pattern,right?
So when you break a pattern, anegative pattern, it loses its
ability.
It loses its ability to beeffective next time.
Right, Because it no longer isa pattern.
(12:00):
It actually becomes a choice.
Right?
The pattern is when you don'tknow you have a choice and you
just react.
Right, the more you break thepattern, the more you are
offering yourself the choice totake those three deep breaths.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Yes, absolutely.
And so the second step is toname the trigger or emotion.
Now, this is super important.
For example, a lot of times inan immature relationship, you
don't want to tell the otherperson initially that what they
just said or did hurt you youknow, or triggered you or it
(12:37):
made you feel, you know itcaused a reaction, so that you
know what we're talking about.
If it being like a muscle reflex, like you know, like if it
caused something, the importantthing is to name it and it's
okay to say this situation ismaking me feel this and you
(13:01):
could say something like Inotice, I'm feeling this, and if
you say that to your partnerand name it, then your partner
can do something with that.
But if you're just like youmade me feel like this, then the
person is going to be like well, wait a minute, I can't make
you feel anything, and likethat's your own issue.
And you know you get into thiscircular fight, right?
(13:24):
You?
You want to avoid the circularfight and the pattern, so you
can just name the triggers.
That's number two.
Yeah, anything to add on thatone?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
oh, yeah, most certainly.
Um, when I when I think ofpatterns, I always think of um,
a record player, like a record,right?
A record is a stamped pattern.
It's not like a tape or or a cd.
You can't take songs on and off.
It's patterned right.
So within that patterns orwithin that record, you could
also name what's on that record,right?
So if you're having a negativereaction and that negative
(13:56):
reaction is because, let's say,you are having a hard time
accepting or having a hard timesurrendering, you can name that
emotion as a song on thatnegative pattern.
Oh, I'm having a negativeemotion about my work.
And then name that negativeemotion.
Let's say it is frustration,right, I'm feeling frustrated.
(14:22):
So you can have theseconversations internally.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe with your partner, so long as
you are having thoseconversations and allowing
yourself to break that pattern,name what's going on and then
being able to move forward.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, you can name it for yourself, but it does help
build intimacy and trust if youname it out loud to your partner
so that you both can meet eachother in that place.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Yeah, I'm actually referring to those reactions
when you're actually not withyour partner, because you have
reactions on a regular basis.
So you don't want to manageyour reactions just with your
partner and not manage yourreactions in the rest of your
life, because that builds badpractice.
How you do one thing is how youdo everything.
So what's number three?
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Number three is to choose aligned action, and you
can do this by saying what wouldmy highest self do here?
What version of Zuri do I wantto bring to this equation?
So ask yourself what's the bestversion I can bring to this,
(15:37):
especially when you've alreadydone step one, which is pause
and take three deep breaths.
You've already named thetrigger or motion, either in
your head, as Mike said, or withyour partner.
If you're having an argumentand you now can choose which
version to bring to it, and themost aligned version is going to
(16:00):
be in conflict.
It's going to be a peacefulversion Because, truthfully, we
all want to feel safe, peaceful,loved in harmony, in union.
You know, pick the word, butthat's going to be the aligned
action.
So, the aligned version of youand asking like what would that
(16:22):
aligned version do?
What would that peaceful,aligned version do?
What would that peaceful,aligned version do?
What would that happy alignedversion do?
What would that nurturingwhatever you think is needed?
Ask that question and allow theanswer to drop in.
Take a beat.
You're going to have a circular, long fight if you don't take
the beat and allow yourself tobreathe into the space and
(16:46):
figure out what's actuallyhappening.
And then, what can I actuallybring that would be positive to
the equation?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And remember a negative thought once it gets
into the mind you have, or whenyou have that physical response,
you have 90 seconds to dealwith it before it sets in.
So, within that 90 seconds,you're going to pause, you're
going to breathe, you're goingto name the trigger, you're
(17:15):
going to choose an alignedaction and by the end of that 90
seconds, you are going to beemotionally sovereign again.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Yes, right.
And also acting from a maturemasculine or feminine Correct.
So Viktor Frankl has this quotethat says between stimulus and
response there is a space.
In that space is our power tochoose.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Again, once you recognize that pattern, you have
the ability to choose thepattern or use the pattern.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yeah, Anything that you are not changing.
You are choosing Correct, soyou have the opportunity to
choose a different pattern.
So when we respond instead ofreact, we reclaim our power from
our past.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
I love that and that's part of the whole podcast
.
Right Empowerment.
How can we reserve as muchpower for our inner self, for
our growth, so that we canradiate divinity for ourselves
and our family and our work andthe rest of the world?
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Right, and yeah, that's beautifully said, and I
think that all of us have theability to focus on what we
actually want to focus onbecause, you know, be so real,
nobody wants to have a fight andlose an entire day to a fight
with their partner.
And you know you don't have to.
(18:45):
You don't have to, you justhave to master your reactivity.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
And one of the problems in going on what you
said, one of the problems withnegative patterns is that we
normalize them.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Right.
We jump into them so often thatwhen we're in them, we feel
like, oh, this is just normallife, this is what our marriage
is like, this is what myrelationship with my boss is
like, this is the relationshipwith my kids is like, and that
is not the case.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
And it's really disempowering.
You really just put yourselfinto a position of like oh, it's
that person's fault.
We don't bring out the best ineach other.
I hear people say that all thetime in our coaching practice.
It's like we don't bring outthe best in each other.
I hear people say that all thetime in our coaching practice.
It's like wherever you go,there you are, you're going to
(19:32):
end up with someone else andhave a similar experience until
you start regulating yourresponse.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Changing relationships changing one bad
relationship for another badrelationship is literally
changing one mirror to the next.
It's going to provide you thesame reflection.
Relationship for another badrelationship is literally
changing one mirror to the next.
Yeah, it's going to provide youthe same reflection.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
It doesn't matter if the mirror is being held by Tom
or Dick or Harry.
Dick or Harry right, it's stillgoing to reflect what you need
to work on.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Word.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
And what you are holding is a reflection for your
partner Right To look, oh myGod, like, yeah, I'm making all
kinds of mistakes.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Right.
So, let's talk about how tostay regulated.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Yes, because that's the key.
That is the key.
A good offense is a gooddefense, right?
So when I think of stayingregulated, I think of regulation
equals resourced.
Yes, right so when you areregulated, you have full
(20:28):
capacity of all of yourresources.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Right, and so your resources are your habits, your
daily practices, your rituals.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Mm-hmm.
So your daily practices couldinclude, or should actually
include, a form of breath work.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Which we talked about last week.
If you didn't hear that episode, Box breathing the 4-7-8 method
.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Incorporating a breathing technique into your
week on a regular basis isliterally like flossing your
teeth Right.
The more you do it, thehealthier you're going to be.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Then there's your.
You have to take care of yournervous system.
You have a practice forbrushing your teeth.
You have a practice for washingyour body.
You should also have a practicefor managing the hygiene of
your nervous system.
So taking cold showers is agreat way to reset your nervous
system.
Practicing EFT, which is-.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Tapping, tapping, yeah, emotional freedom
technique.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
That's a great way to regulate your nervous system.
Any type of vagus nerve work iscritical if you are
experiencing emotionaldysregulation.
We had a full episode aboutboundaries Two episodes actually
and boundaries are a great wayto preserve your energy.
(21:50):
So going into conversationswith proper boundaries allows
you to exit those conversationswith your nervous system intact.
And then there's the innerchild check-ins, right.
So questions like you know,what do I need right now?
How can I access my higher self?
(22:11):
Those type of questions aregreat for regulating your
nervous system because, as youhave those conversations, you
are talking to a version ofyourself that is emotionless.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Doesn't have emotion, doesn't live in time, has all
the answers, and the more youconnect with that, the calmer
your nervous system gets.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
And the inner child check-in is really about the
part of you that is oftenreferred to.
The inner child is your compassand it knows usually exactly
what you need, so it's importantto have that conversation.
(22:55):
Yes.
A lot of times I'll ask myinner child like, okay, what do
I need right now?
And it's like rest Nine timesout of 10, it's like rest.
You know, like I feel a littleoff.
What do you need?
Rest, you know.
And so start having thatconversation, normalize that.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
And you know, listen to your voice.
Yesterday, your inner childsaid you needed rest.
My inner child said I needed togo for a run.
We addressed our needs and wewere able to come back
afterwards and you know we wereexcited about being.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
We were regulated.
We were regulated.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yes, and you know the inner child is also a great way
to handle your wounds.
Wound management is critical.
Wounds fester and they produceemotional weeds that will
literally wreak havoc on yourrelationship.
Yes, right, so emotionalregulation really equals
(23:54):
relationship success.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Yes, it really does.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Regulated couples will fight fair.
They won't.
I mean, fighting is good right.
Fighting can be good, but-.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
They'll fight fair.
They're not fighting to win.
They're fighting for peace youknow which is another episode of
ours.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Exactly.
They can reconnect faster andthey can create more trust.
Now let me tell you, the bestpart of a fight is when that
fight is over.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Right, Right.
So if you can fight fair,reconnect faster and create more
trust, then fights are seen aslevels up.
Yep.
Right.
And then you know, theemotional regulation predicts
greater longevity inrelationships.
Yeah, you know this is basedoff of a 2016 Berkeley study.
So imagine if you were able toregulate your emotions and your
(24:45):
partner was able to regulateemotions.
Think just how long yourrelationship could last in
harmony.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Yeah, because obviously lasting is one thing,
but enjoying a relationship fordecades is a different thing.
Yeah.
And it's possible by emotionalregulation.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
And regulation isn't about staying calm, right.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Yes, say that again.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Regulation isn't about staying calm.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
Yes, say that again Regulationisn't about staying calm.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
So if you value peace in yourhouse and your partner is
experiencing some emotionaldysregulation, you have the
opportunity to pause, take adeep breath, not react, so that
your values stay intact.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Yeah, you have a chance to pause, name the
trigger and choose your alignedaction.
Yeah, I love it.
So when you say connected toyour values, give me an example
of that.
Like you know, I'm going togive you a trigger.
So real life examples.
(26:01):
I feel like those are alwayshelpful for our empowered posse
and they're certainly helpfulfor me for embodiment and I use
them a lot in my practice.
So, let's say, your partnerinterrupts and the reaction
could be something like whydon't you ever let me finish?
Or why are you interrupting me?
Right, and a response so aregulated response would be.
(26:23):
I notice I'm feeling dismissed.
Can we try again?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
That is, providing more information and less
accusation.
Right that I can work with,yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Right.
So in that case, the value ofthe response is that I need them
to understand the feeling thatI'm feeling and also the
invitation to approach itdifferently Because you value
collaboration, right, okay.
(26:59):
So example two would be likelet's say, a client just ghosts
you and or maybe it's a clientyou're trying to procure or
something like that Right, butthey ghost you and your reaction
is to vent on social media.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Natural response yeah .
Speaker 1 (27:18):
That's the reaction.
Oh, I'm going to go take thisto Facebook or Instagram or you
know, it's going to be all of mySnapchat stories today.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I want everyone to know that this person is an
asshole.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Yeah.
Or just you know you're sayingall of these negative things or
you're putting up you know thequote graphic like, oh, I want
them to know this is about them.
That would be a reaction, anemotionally dysregulated,
immature reaction, right?
The response, a regulatedresponse, would be to journal
(27:51):
and to find how to regulate onthe situation so you can assess
don't immediately assume thatit's about you and that you
failed or that they don't likeyou or whatever the negatives.
Don't immediately go there.
So you can regulate by reallyassessing well, what does this
(28:16):
mean for me?
And then you can always followup professionally once you
haven't had the emotionaloutburst.
If you have the emotionaloutburst and the emotional
reaction, it is very hard toswitch back to follow up
professionally.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Correct, let me tell you from experience you can't
unread a book.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes, yeah, you can't unsend a text really, or you
know, like your emotionaloutbursts on social media, that
shit lives forever.
So here's your tool so you cancreate a power pause plan.
You know what works for you, sowe can just give you the ideas.
I like that, the power pauseplan.
You know what works for you, sowe can just give you the ideas.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I like that.
The power pause plan yes.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
So you can and you can make this agreement.
You know this, this tool can bemade between the two of you, so
you can say like okay, you know, my power pause plan is going
to be to do breath work.
My first step it's going to bebreath work and then maybe a
(29:25):
phrase that grounds me.
So maybe you have like a mantraor affirmation or incantation
that you've been using thatgrounds you and then I.
The next, you know, the nextstep of the power pause plan
would be to ask some type of analigned question, and you can
either journal on this, you canhave a conversation, you can
walk outside like Mike does andtalk in the woods, you can
(29:50):
rattle off.
I think the key here is thatyou don't want to.
A lot of people will use thistype of aligned questioning to
vent or to call their mom orcall their best friend or
whatever, and have these longconversations that really are
creating more of what you don'twant Correct and they're making
(30:12):
the pattern deeper.
So a lot of times I've beenasked by girlfriends well, why
didn't you call me and vent?
So a lot of times I've beenasked by girlfriends well, why
didn't you call me and vent?
And it's like because I'mlooking to reprogram my mind and
to not have that be a part ofmy patterns.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
You're changing your narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
Right, and so you can't change your narrative if
you're constantly complainingabout your spouse.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
Well, yeah, and you can't change your narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Because that's your narrative.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You can't change your narrative if you keep using the
same narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
That's the pattern, exactly it becomes a pattern
instead of an empowered plan.
So your power pause plan issome type of breath work.
Some people sing I love to singso for me sometimes it's
singing a really angry song.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I hum or whistle on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Yeah, so you can find something.
So if breath work doesn't speakto you, there are other ways to
get that deep breath.
I don't recommend smoking, butthat's why people smoke a lot is
to get the deep breath.
Okay, so Just that's your powerpause plan.
I hope that's helpful.
We are definitely going to playa game.
I just want to say real quickto sum this up, that if you
(31:23):
think about it this way, thiswill help you stay empowered.
Reaction escalates.
(31:46):
Response elevates, elevates,elevates.
So when you are in a fight withyour couple, do you want that
fight to escalate or do you wantto see this fight have a way of
escalation where you arefighting and you're tired of
doing that, which I'm sureyou're fucking tired of that?
So if you're tired of thatbecause it's exhausting, you
(32:07):
need to find a response that isgoing to elevate the
relationship, correct andelevate you.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
And that's where values come in.
Yes, right, and that's wherevalues come in.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Right.
So if you have a value set inthat states that every time I'm
having a conversation with myspouse or my kids, my value is
to elevate our relationship evenhigher, Right.
Right, even if it's hey, I loveyou, the elevation you
experience, the elevation Right,the elevation right.
So the minute that you have adysregulated response and your
(32:39):
value of elevating, everyconversation becomes invalid and
all of a sudden you are nowescalating a fight and lowering
your ability to be happy.
Right, you're not elevating,you're descending.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, you're disempowering, you're descending
, you're giving energy away.
Think of all the energy thatyou're leaking.
Think of it like a tire.
You literally can't get on yourway to do your thing if you're
leaking your energy constantlyin your relationships.
So let's play a game.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Let's play a game, okay.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
So this is going to be react or respond.
Are you ready to be silly?
Cause like we've been serious,can we be silly?
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Yeah, okay.
What the hell was that?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
The face that you just made.
Okay, so I'm going to read yousome real life scenarios and
then you're going to react, andthen I will give the response.
How about that All?
Right and you have 10 secondsto react.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
That's all I need.
That's all I need.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Okay, and then?
I only have 10 seconds to offera healthy response.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
So I go for the escalation, you go for the
elevation.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Check.
Let's do this.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Ready, okay?
So here's the examples.
I have one, two, three.
I have six examples.
Give them to me, okay.
Your partner forgets yourbirthday.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Oh, hell, no, All right.
So here's what I'm going to doI'm going to go out, I'm going
to buy, as I'm uh, if I spent$50 on your birthday, I'm going
to spend $50 on myself, right?
And then I'm going to tataround the house letting you
know that you fucked up, thatyou fucked up, that you fucked
up over and over and over andover.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Yeah, I'm going to probably throw a temper tantrum.
I'll say some nasty thingsbecause I will feel validated to
say nasty things.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Because they made a mistake.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
They made a mistake.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
That's a pretty big mistake.
Yeah, so here would be ahealthy response.
My partner forgot my birthday.
My partner forgot my birthday.
You know my birthday isimportant to me.
You know it's special to me andit's bringing up the sensation
(35:09):
that I didn't have a specialbirthday, and sometimes of my
life and it would be reallyimportant if you could make this
up to me in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
What you did is you gave me an opportunity to make
it better.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
I will take that opportunity and I will lift it
to a place where you're like oh,he forgot my birthday, but then
he did this.
Oh my God, I love him so much.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Yes, okay, so that was hard.
By the way, I was like forgetmy birthday.
Everybody knows I'm likebirthday queen.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like, hmm, I had to,like, really put myself there.
Okay, so you see some type ofpassive aggressive post and you
know it's clearly aimed at youon social media.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Here's my response.
Oh hell, no, let me copyexactly what he's saying and I'm
going to switch the words sothat I'm going to manipulate
everything that he says so thatit's aimed right back at him.
Oh right, I'm going to do somepassive aggressive shit, because
passive aggressive needspassive aggressive.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Positive plus the positive is a negative.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
A healthy response would be if you want to maintain
this relationship, a healthyresponse would be hey, so and so
I think it's a good idea thatwe have a conversation where we
can heal some of the imbalancesthat are happening.
Are you open to that Questionmark?
And if there is no response,give it some time.
(36:46):
But if there is a response andit gives you the doorway to
healing the relationship, Now,if you didn't want to heal the
relationship and this person isjust being a jerk, there's this
wonderful thing called unfollow,there's this also wonderful
thing called mute, there's thiswonderful thing called block.
(37:06):
So all of those are availableto you.
But I will tell you, ifsomebody is triggering you, it's
about you and you need tofigure out how to heal that part
of you.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
And you know, in one of those type of responses,
sometimes non-reaction is thebest reaction.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
For sure.
That's why I said if you wantto heal the relationship, you
can do something, becauseanytime somebody is making that
type of, you know likeaggressive, passive, aggressive
thing, they're looking for areaction.
Right, reaction is what feeds alot of people to, you know, get
(37:46):
off on ego stuff.
So, okay, let's do another one.
Your child throws a tantrum inTarget.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Oh hell, no.
In Target.
Oh hell, no.
That kid is going to be grabbedby its arm and pulled all the
way through Target as he'skicking and screaming, so that
the whole world can see thathe's a brat Right and that I'm a
victim of this brat.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
And what are you doing?
You going to the car andyelling.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Going to the car yelling, you know driving home
as fast as I can, and then youknow getting into some sort of
distraction, be it beer, alcohol, whatever.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yep, yep.
Oh, I got to go home and havemy mommy juice there we go.
Which is wine, right?
Okay, so if your child throws atantrum in Target, this
obviously anybody who has kidsthis has happened.
So the response can be the sameway that we just taught you to
pause and to breathe and to namethe trigger.
(38:49):
And you know, like, if you'reembarrassed, like figure out why
them having a tantrum iscausing you pain.
Because it's causing yousomething Like you're going to
feel, you're going to have areaction and if you want to have
a response, you can.
There's this wonderful thing atall targets is there's a
dressing room, there's abathroom.
(39:10):
If you need to have someprivacy, you can go there.
You can also take your child tothe car.
But children are always havinga tantrum for a reason.
And if you can pause and getinto their emotional state of
what's happening like if youdenied them the toy and then
they're having the tantrum,non-reaction can be good and the
(39:32):
healthy response can be like,hey, let's just breathe this out
.
I understand that you're sadand having a soothing voice that
can allow them to feel whatthey're feeling, and then you
can regulate in that way and andyou know, make sure you're
breathing first, make sureyou're.
(39:53):
You know naming some, you knowyou can also have the phrase you
know, like when you know yourkid is two or three tantrums are
part of it.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
Yeah, tantrum a bitch , and you know you said
something earlier in the podcastthat you know as you manage
your own emotional responses,you're also showing your kids
how to do the same.
So there's a good chance thatif your kid is having a meltdown
in Target, it's probablybecause you've had several
meltdowns, or your partner hashad several meltdowns in the
(40:23):
house and they are justMirroring.
Mirroring.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah, Yep.
And also, you know, kids aresimple in a sense that.
Have they eaten, have theynapped, have they, you know, are
you managing their um, theirboundaries, as you know, tiny
little beings, you know, likethey have they, have they run
out of gas and then they runamok you know they run into
(40:48):
tantrums, Exactly.
So okay, let's go to the nextone.
Um, let's just do one morebecause we're running low on
time.
Um, your boss emails you at 10PM again.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
And here's the deal.
If it's not with hey Mike,here's a raise and here's a, you
know, some moreresponsibilities, a company car,
all that good stuff, then uh,my first response is oh hell, no
, you don't call me, you don't?
I mean, I'm not on, not on, I'mnot on my, my work schedule,
like you are.
You are now um, uh, on my.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
You know my time, my time, so right and a healthy
response would be, if you goback to our boundary medicine
episode, boundaries are energypreservation, so you should have
, if you know that this issomething, a pattern of your
bosses, your healthy responsehas already been recorded and
(41:44):
you already have it saved inyour notes, on your phone or on
your computer, in a doc orsomething where you can just
copy and paste and justreiterate your hours and that
you will address their needs inthe morning.
You also can choose not toreact at all and not to respond
at all.
You can set up an autoresponder that goes out at
(42:04):
certain hours like that'sboundaries, boundaries,
boundaries, baby.
That would be the healthiestresponse so that you can
eliminate the pattern.
You can break the pattern.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
And let me tell you, a properly established boundary
elevates the relationship.
Yes, it doesn't escalate it.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Yes, yes.
I love that Reaction is a loudno from your past.
A response is a sacred yes toyour future is a sacred yes to
your future.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I love that, I love that, and you know if I always
like to think about you knowthis, this topic, as you know,
um, uh, the conversation thatyou have between your
relationship, that you havebetween your mind and your heart
, right, so you want to keepyour mind cool and your heart
warm.
One way to keep your mind coolis with the breath, work right,
mantras, staying grounded,physical fitness, the boundaries
(43:05):
.
And to stay in your heart is tostay connected with your values
stay connected with your purpose, stay connected with your loved
ones right and if you valueheart-based practices and cool
mind practices, you probablywon't have many fights.
You'll just have opportunitiesto elevate.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
Yep, and you won't have regrets.
In like our game, you had likea crazy reaction that was, you
know, emotionally dysregulated,immature, masculine or feminine.
You are going to have a regretbecause you're going to be like
oh, I hate that I acted likethat.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
So when I'm talking about emotional regulation,
there are people on this planetwho you require them to practice
emotional regulation on aregular basis, Every time that
you get on a plane right andyou're walking into the plane
and you see all the stewardess.
(44:08):
Most of the time thosestewardess are happy, they're
smiling, they look like theyhave their composure, and the
same thing with the pilot.
Now, if you were stepping onthe plane and the pilot and the
coworkers and the crew they werearguing.
The pilot was having a physicalbreakdown.
They're on the phone, they'recrying, they're raising their
(44:29):
voice Would you board that planeor would you get the hell off?
Speaker 1 (44:35):
Oh, I'd get off, I'd get off.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yes, and that is what happens when we bring an
emotional, dysregulated versionof ourselves into a relationship
.
It makes everybody, everypassenger on that plane feel
like, okay, this is not, this isnot happening and let's just
and it's especially.
It's especially critical forthe men to keep their composure,
(44:59):
because the men have theability to also protect.
So if they are not protectingand they're turning around and
making people feel unsafe,people are going to exit the
plane as soon as they can.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
Right.
So let's just take this analogyand say that the people who are
riding the passengers on theplane are your kids.
And so if you and your co-pilot, your husband, wife are
fighting with each other andyou're not going to land the
(45:34):
plane, you're not going to beable, you're going to crash,
you're going to crash.
And you're crashing in a waythat hurts all of the passengers
, right, correct?
Like, metaphorically speaking,they're all going to die, right?
So you have to think about thisin a different way.
Like, if you are not, if you'reunwilling to heal that part of
yourself that is causingemotional dysregulation and
(45:59):
you're acting out emotionallyoften, then the woman is going
(46:23):
to feel unsafe.
Therefore she will become moremasculine and then her masculine
tendencies are going to want tolead, because she doesn't feel
that the partner that she'schosen is able to, because
they're dysregulated.
And when they're dysregulated,then the mature feminine will
(46:47):
kind of take a backseat and thenthe woman becomes so masculine
that she no longer can get intoa place of nervous system flow.
Speaker 2 (47:00):
Of course, because she is doing double duty right
as the stewardess.
That means the stewardess hasto take care of all the
passengers and fly the plane atthe same time.
A double duty, and instead ofthe male flying the plane, the
male actually becomes apassenger.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Yes.
And also, then, what you areteaching, because children learn
from you, your actions, notfrom your words.
You're teaching them that it'sokay to abandon yourself and
it's okay to abandon yourfeminine.
It's okay to abandon your, yourfeminine, right?
(47:41):
So in this scenario, so thenyour child learns that it's not
safe.
So therefore, they'reconstantly trying to make things
safe.
And if it's a, if it's adaughter, the daughter is going
to then have people pleasing andit's just this vicious cycle.
So if you really don't get intoco-pilot, where you both are
(48:02):
co-pilots and you're notfighting to win you know where
you are looking to fight forpeace and have equality in your
relationship, where the femininegets to be alive and the
masculine gets to be alive andthey're both supported.
If you don't have that, this iswhat we coach.
(48:23):
This is what we do.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
This is what we do.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
So of course you know the offer stands.
If you are looking for harmonyin your relationship, you can
use the link in our show notesto apply.
Also, if you are feeling likeyou didn't have a male figure in
your life that taught you howto be masculine Mike is really
(48:48):
amazing at that and I've had theprivilege to watch some of his
coaching.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
Self-taught masculinity.
Speaker 1 (48:55):
Yes, yes, isn't that a challenge?
Yes, yes.
But now you?
Isn't that a challenge?
Yes, and then, challengeaccepted, challenge accepted,
you understood the challenge.
And then I am coachinggoddesses to heal their feminine
and to awaken with fun andpolarity and pleasure.
(49:17):
With fun and polarity andpleasure.
What's the funniest character?
Like you know, you grew up withthe old school cartoons.
Oh yeah.
You see me, sam, all that goodstuff, I only watched the old
stuff.
We didn't have cable orexpensive things, so I watched
what was on with commercials andstuff and so I used to watch,
(49:40):
like the oldest stuff, like someof it was like in black and
white because I just thoughtthey were so funny and they're
just show like like who's yourfavorite reaction person and and
if you pay attention, like theold school cartoons, they're all
just like a great example ofreactions.
Okay, ready One, two, three.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
That's what I was going to say.
No, you liar.
No, I swear to God, that'sexactly what I was going to say.
Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so,
but that's literally what I wasgoing to say.
Speaker 2 (50:15):
And it's a Tasmanian devil because he has no
regulated response.
He's always dysregulated.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
Always.
Speaker 2 (50:23):
That's it, Blah blah, blah, tear it up, tear it up,
tear it up, tear it up, tear itup, tear it up and that's it.
Yes, there's no, hey, what dowe have here?
Speaker 1 (50:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (50:32):
What can we recover from this?
No, what can we recover fromthis?
No, you know what can we growfrom this?
It is just like tear it down,tear it down, tear it down, yeah
, or?
Speaker 1 (50:39):
like Tom and Jerry.
I mean I could have said a lotof things, but if you just think
about like, the reaction islike hilarious on old cartoons
and old cartoons I feel likeespecially some of them didn't
even have like words and youknow then you really get to like
pay attention to the reactionand it's just hilarious.
And the patterns Like if youthink of like Wile E Coyote is
(51:04):
that what it's called?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Yeah, wile E Coyote yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
If you think of their pattern, it's like beep beep.
So, like, your assignment inPower Posse is to watch some old
cartoons and pay attention toreactions, because you are
likely carrying out that samebehavior.
All of them are like a study onhuman behavior.
And let me tell you, I studiedevery Saturday morning.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner really the
Roadrunner is a show ofregulated and dysregulated.
The roadrunner is regulated, heanticipates, he always has a
plan, he stays calm, he can stayon the edge of a cliff at the
very last second and then make aminor move, whereas with a
(51:49):
coyote he's desperate, he'shungry, he needs it, he needs it
, and every time he fails hedoesn't learn Right.
Speaker 1 (51:59):
And Tom and Jerry is the same thing.
Yeah, you know, like theformula.
If you pay attention to theformula, which is the pattern,
which is the recipe, like itrepeats itself over and over
again, the human condition beinga human, it's full of patterns,
so that will be a fun exercise.
(52:20):
I think you can watch them onMacs.
I think we looked into this atone point because I was like we
need Saturday morning cartoons.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
You can also.
Youtube it.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Yeah, you can YouTube it, but yeah, I don't know what
you'll find, because I feellike we did try that.
Anyway, I digress.
I think that would be a funexercise to do Some cartoons.
I will warn you did not agewell, so be careful.
Oh yeah, I wouldn't watch itwith your kids yet there are
things that we have watched withour daughter when she was a
(52:48):
little younger and I was likewhat the hell?
Look at what we got programmedwith Just like 80s and 90s shows
that I'm like what.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
I mean the original Little Rascals.
Oh, I consume that to death.
And then there was a scene.
Yeah, there was a couple ofscenes.
I was like whoa damn.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
You are held.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
You are loved.
You are held.
You are loved I'm having aregulated response to the heat.
It's officially June y'all.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
Yeah, I thought you were having a response to me
saying the word, but I know whenwe do our tests, our microphone
checks.
I get triggered.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
And I could have a regulated response or a reaction
.
Can we not use that word ever?
I don't think.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
I Do.
You want a scientific word,honey?
No, I don't like the scientificword.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
Honey Mm-hmm no I don't.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
I think it's a pretty word.
Speaker 1 (54:03):
Oh, that's good for you.
I'm glad you like the word.
I don't like the word.
It's very flowery.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
I want to go outside and smell the vaginas in that
garden.
It has the same ring to it.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
So you're just doing this to trigger me to have a
reaction.
I got it.
So you're just doing this totrigger me to have a reaction.
I got it.
I see you.
Okay, ready.
One, two, three.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
That's what I was going to say.
No, you liar.
No, I swear to God, that'sexactly what I was going to say
Tasmanian Devil.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so
but that's literally what I wasgoing to say.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple Podcast, where your path
to self-mastery expands.
My co-host is empowerment coachZuri Starr, and he's expansion
coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2 (00:27):
Together we are.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
The Empowerment Couple.
Our mission is simple to serveyou, love, so you can make
informed decisions to regain andmaintain your personal power.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Each episode is an excitingblend of education,
entertainment and empowermentdesigned to help you create a
mindset to be a magnet for morelove, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
create your most beautiful lifeA one Z, a two Z, a three Z
your most beautiful life.
Speaker 3 (01:21):
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
You're supposed to saysomething?
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I forgot.
I agree and I think we'resaying the same thing so let's
get into this, this much neededand highly anticipated uh
podcast yeah, we've been doing alot of this relationship series
this season, namely because weare coaching couples, but also
(01:48):
because Mike is finding thatthere's a greater need to
educate men in his coachingcommunity on how to find balance
and expansion and in theirrelationships your relationships
are really where you end upseeing what needs to be worked
(02:10):
on.
They're such a refining agent,right?
So they're like, oh shit, assoon as you're in a relationship
you realize like, oh wow, thisis not healed or this is.
You know, I haven't integratedthat shadow, like there's all of
these things that come aboutright, correct.
So today we're going to talkabout, from reactivity to
response, the art of choosingpeace over patterns.
Speaker 2 (02:36):
Peace over patterns.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
Peace over patterns, honey, and so we want to just
make sure that you are in aplace where you understand that
your nervous system is not yourenemy, it's your compass.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
It is letting you know whether or not you're going
in the right direction or thewrong direction.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
Right there are times in our relationship because
we're always testing this shitout on each other where our
nervous system feels like anenemy.
It feels like like why am I sorattled?
What's wrong with me and you?
Know, you can fight that fight,you know, against yourself.
But really you should belooking at it as like a check
(03:17):
engine, like like we talk abouta lot on our show, you know, and
in our coaching.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Yeah, of course.
I mean, how often do we getinto not just married couple but
just in general?
You get into a heated debateand you are essentially reacting
right.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah.
So have you ever said somethingin the heat of the moment and
instantly regretted it?
Speaker 2 (03:41):
Oh yeah, most certainly.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yes, like instantly, you're just like, oh, okay, so
that would be an example of areaction, and what we're going
to teach today is all aboutfinding that response, that
healthy response, and that'sgoing to be your freedom plan.
Correct, Because the second,that you are disciplined to no
longer be reactionary and you'renow being proactive, you have
(04:07):
freedom.
Yeah, so when you react, thepast is in charge.
When you respond, the presentgets to lead.
Speaker 2 (04:18):
And let me tell you, everything is done in the
present right.
So if you can show up presentin the present, you're going to
get things done.
If you show up in the presentbut in the past you show up in
the present, in the future yournervous system is going to let
you know that you're going inthe wrong direction.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
So we're going to take you on a journey from
unconscious reactivity tointentional, embodied response,
especially in relationships.
Speaker 2 (04:49):
So, to begin this journey, we are going to talk
about reactivity, which is theunconscious loop.
The definition of a reaction isan automatic, emotionally
driven behavior that oftenbypasses logic or values.
It's fast, defensive andusually comes from a wound or
(05:12):
unmet need.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
Right so wound management.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
I like what you said about it.
Bypasses logic or values.
I feel, like that is so key.
Yes or values.
I feel like that is so keybecause often your reaction is
not about you know you forgetyour values, correct.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Correct.
You know, a bad reaction couldhave you yelling at a
two-year-old toddler who's notgoing to understand what's going
on.
Right, it defies logic.
So reactions are oftentriggered by the amygdala, which
is the part of the brain thatis associated with the fight
flight freeze scenario right Now.
(05:53):
These reactions, they lastabout 90 seconds in the body and
according to Dr JillBull-Taylor, they last 90
seconds in the body unlessthey're fed by the mind.
Right.
Right.
So if you have a reaction inthe body and you follow it up
with negative, habitual thinking, Right, some kind of
(06:17):
unconscious loop that is part ofyour wound.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
That is correct.
Then you're going to have afull meltdown.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
That is correct Then you're going to have a full
meltdown and, according to theGottman Institute, 69% of
relationship conflicts are aboutrecurring issues, aka repeated
reactive patterns.
Does that sound familiar.
Misregulated emotional responsein men is often a culture that
(06:43):
equates masculinity with control, stoicism or aggression and
(07:17):
without healthy models foremotional regulation, men may
default to shut down or freezeanger, which is fight, or escape
, which is flight, which isflight.
Right.
So the mature masculine isn'temotionalist, it's emotionally
sovereign.
Right.
So the mature masculinebreathes before reacting.
(07:37):
Right Protects withoutcontrolling and leads with
grounded presence.
Right Regulation, therefore, isnot a weakness, it's mastery
right and the emotionalintelligence really is going to
be the new strength standard forthe modern man.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Yes.
I love that.
So here's how it shows up inwomen, because of course it
shows up for both of us and weneed the balance.
You can't just look at yourpartner and be like it's all
your fault, it's like never.
This takes two to tango.
Is is very appropriate for allconflicts.
So a dysregulated emotionalresponse in women often reflects
(08:20):
a disconnection from the maturefeminine, a version of self who
feels safe, expressed andemotionally sovereign.
When emotions feel overwhelming, silenced or weaponized, it's
often rooted in early woundsbeing shamed for sensitivity,
for example, taught to pleaseinstead of feel, or mothered by
(08:45):
someone who modeled insecurity,control or repression, or all
three.
Without guidance in emotionalalchemy, women may default to
people pleasing emotionaloutburst, shutdown or
self-abandonment.
This sounds like my high schoolversion of myself.
The mature feminine isn'treactive, she's receptive.
(09:10):
She feels deeply but isn'tconsumed.
She expresses truth withoutdrama.
She nurtures withoutself-sacrifice.
You hear that women Nurtureswithout self-sacrifice, no
martyrdom, and regulates not tosuppress but to stay empowered.
Emotional regulation is theportal to embodiment, and
(09:35):
embodiment is her true power,your true power, my true power,
yeah.
So obviously, as theempowerment couple, we're trying
to help you all.
All the empowered posse embodytrue power, masculine or
feminine, and a reaction is areflex from your history.
(09:58):
So it's like your muscle islike spasming and that's what's
creating the pattern.
So it is really an unconsciousloop.
A response is a choice fromyour healing.
Speaker 2 (10:12):
That's beautiful.
I feel like there's so muchinformation there.
I mean, yes, when you react,you're literally going from a
pattern, and when you areresponding, you are setting a
pattern.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
So let's talk now about regulated choice, also
known as the response.
A response is a thoughtful,emotionally aware action based
on the current moment, not thepast.
It requires nervous systemregulation and emotional
maturity, which is why wecovered how to find your
(10:54):
emotional masculine, mature,emotionally mature masculine and
how to find your emotionallymature feminine.
So the three steps to responsethat we would like to propose is
to number one, pause, eventhree deep breaths creates a
(11:16):
pattern interrupt and, as wesaid last week, you can't be
like tell your partner tobreathe last week.
You can't be like tell yourpartner to breathe.
You have to actually just takethe deep breath and create the
pattern interruption and bewilling to lead with your
example.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
Yes, and I can't state the importance of enough
about breaking that pattern,right?
So when you break a pattern, anegative pattern, it loses its
ability.
It loses its ability to beeffective next time.
Right, Because it no longer isa pattern.
(12:00):
It actually becomes a choice.
Right?
The pattern is when you don'tknow you have a choice and you
just react.
Right, the more you break thepattern, the more you are
offering yourself the choice totake those three deep breaths.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
Yes, absolutely.
And so the second step is toname the trigger or emotion.
Now, this is super important.
For example, a lot of times inan immature relationship, you
don't want to tell the otherperson initially that what they
just said or did hurt you youknow, or triggered you or it
(12:37):
made you feel, you know itcaused a reaction, so that you
know what we're talking about.
If it being like a muscle reflex, like you know, like if it
caused something, the importantthing is to name it and it's
okay to say this situation ismaking me feel this and you
(13:01):
could say something like Inotice, I'm feeling this, and if
you say that to your partnerand name it, then your partner
can do something with that.
But if you're just like youmade me feel like this, then the
person is going to be like well, wait a minute, I can't make
you feel anything, and likethat's your own issue.
And you know you get into thiscircular fight, right?
(13:24):
You?
You want to avoid the circularfight and the pattern, so you
can just name the triggers.
That's number two.
Yeah, anything to add on thatone?
Speaker 2 (13:33):
oh, yeah, most certainly.
Um, when I when I think ofpatterns, I always think of um,
a record player, like a record,right?
A record is a stamped pattern.
It's not like a tape or or a cd.
You can't take songs on and off.
It's patterned right.
So within that patterns orwithin that record, you could
also name what's on that record,right?
So if you're having a negativereaction and that negative
(13:56):
reaction is because, let's say,you are having a hard time
accepting or having a hard timesurrendering, you can name that
emotion as a song on thatnegative pattern.
Oh, I'm having a negativeemotion about my work.
And then name that negativeemotion.
Let's say it is frustration,right, I'm feeling frustrated.
(14:22):
So you can have theseconversations internally.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe with your partner, so long as
you are having thoseconversations and allowing
yourself to break that pattern,name what's going on and then
being able to move forward.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
Yeah, you can name it for yourself, but it does help
build intimacy and trust if youname it out loud to your partner
so that you both can meet eachother in that place.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Yeah, I'm actually referring to those reactions
when you're actually not withyour partner, because you have
reactions on a regular basis.
So you don't want to manageyour reactions just with your
partner and not manage yourreactions in the rest of your
life, because that builds badpractice.
How you do one thing is how youdo everything.
So what's number three?
Speaker 1 (15:15):
Number three is to choose aligned action, and you
can do this by saying what wouldmy highest self do here?
What version of Zuri do I wantto bring to this equation?
So ask yourself what's the bestversion I can bring to this,
(15:37):
especially when you've alreadydone step one, which is pause
and take three deep breaths.
You've already named thetrigger or motion, either in
your head, as Mike said, or withyour partner.
If you're having an argumentand you now can choose which
version to bring to it, and themost aligned version is going to
(16:00):
be in conflict.
It's going to be a peacefulversion Because, truthfully, we
all want to feel safe, peaceful,loved in harmony, in union.
You know, pick the word, butthat's going to be the aligned
action.
So, the aligned version of youand asking like what would that
(16:22):
aligned version do?
What would that peaceful,aligned version do?
What would that peaceful,aligned version do?
What would that happy alignedversion do?
What would that nurturingwhatever you think is needed?
Ask that question and allow theanswer to drop in.
Take a beat.
You're going to have a circular, long fight if you don't take
the beat and allow yourself tobreathe into the space and
(16:46):
figure out what's actuallyhappening.
And then, what can I actuallybring that would be positive to
the equation?
Speaker 2 (16:54):
And remember a negative thought once it gets
into the mind you have, or whenyou have that physical response,
you have 90 seconds to dealwith it before it sets in.
So, within that 90 seconds,you're going to pause, you're
going to breathe, you're goingto name the trigger, you're
(17:15):
going to choose an alignedaction and by the end of that 90
seconds, you are going to beemotionally sovereign again.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Yes, right.
And also acting from a maturemasculine or feminine Correct.
So Viktor Frankl has this quotethat says between stimulus and
response there is a space.
In that space is our power tochoose.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Again, once you recognize that pattern, you have
the ability to choose thepattern or use the pattern.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
Yeah, Anything that you are not changing.
You are choosing Correct, soyou have the opportunity to
choose a different pattern.
So when we respond instead ofreact, we reclaim our power from
our past.
Speaker 2 (18:07):
I love that and that's part of the whole podcast
.
Right Empowerment.
How can we reserve as muchpower for our inner self, for
our growth, so that we canradiate divinity for ourselves
and our family and our work andthe rest of the world?
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Right, and yeah, that's beautifully said, and I
think that all of us have theability to focus on what we
actually want to focus onbecause, you know, be so real,
nobody wants to have a fight andlose an entire day to a fight
with their partner.
And you know you don't have to.
(18:45):
You don't have to, you justhave to master your reactivity.
Speaker 2 (18:50):
And one of the problems in going on what you
said, one of the problems withnegative patterns is that we
normalize them.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Right.
We jump into them so often thatwhen we're in them, we feel
like, oh, this is just normallife, this is what our marriage
is like, this is what myrelationship with my boss is
like, this is the relationshipwith my kids is like, and that
is not the case.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
And it's really disempowering.
You really just put yourselfinto a position of like oh, it's
that person's fault.
We don't bring out the best ineach other.
I hear people say that all thetime in our coaching practice.
It's like we don't bring outthe best in each other.
I hear people say that all thetime in our coaching practice.
It's like wherever you go,there you are, you're going to
(19:32):
end up with someone else andhave a similar experience until
you start regulating yourresponse.
Speaker 2 (19:36):
Changing relationships changing one bad
relationship for another badrelationship is literally
changing one mirror to the next.
It's going to provide you thesame reflection.
Relationship for another badrelationship is literally
changing one mirror to the next.
Yeah, it's going to provide youthe same reflection.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:47):
It doesn't matter if the mirror is being held by Tom
or Dick or Harry.
Dick or Harry right, it's stillgoing to reflect what you need
to work on.
Speaker 1 (19:57):
Word.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
And what you are holding is a reflection for your
partner Right To look, oh myGod, like, yeah, I'm making all
kinds of mistakes.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Right.
So, let's talk about how tostay regulated.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Yes, because that's the key.
That is the key.
A good offense is a gooddefense, right?
So when I think of stayingregulated, I think of regulation
equals resourced.
Yes, right so when you areregulated, you have full
(20:28):
capacity of all of yourresources.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
Right, and so your resources are your habits, your
daily practices, your rituals.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Mm-hmm.
So your daily practices couldinclude, or should actually
include, a form of breath work.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
Which we talked about last week.
If you didn't hear that episode, Box breathing the 4-7-8 method
.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Incorporating a breathing technique into your
week on a regular basis isliterally like flossing your
teeth Right.
The more you do it, thehealthier you're going to be.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
Then there's your.
You have to take care of yournervous system.
You have a practice forbrushing your teeth.
You have a practice for washingyour body.
You should also have a practicefor managing the hygiene of
your nervous system.
So taking cold showers is agreat way to reset your nervous
system.
Practicing EFT, which is-.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Tapping, tapping, yeah, emotional freedom
technique.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
That's a great way to regulate your nervous system.
Any type of vagus nerve work iscritical if you are
experiencing emotionaldysregulation.
We had a full episode aboutboundaries Two episodes actually
and boundaries are a great wayto preserve your energy.
(21:50):
So going into conversationswith proper boundaries allows
you to exit those conversationswith your nervous system intact.
And then there's the innerchild check-ins, right.
So questions like you know,what do I need right now?
How can I access my higher self?
(22:11):
Those type of questions aregreat for regulating your
nervous system because, as youhave those conversations, you
are talking to a version ofyourself that is emotionless.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
Doesn't have emotion, doesn't live in time, has all
the answers, and the more youconnect with that, the calmer
your nervous system gets.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
And the inner child check-in is really about the
part of you that is oftenreferred to.
The inner child is your compassand it knows usually exactly
what you need, so it's importantto have that conversation.
(22:55):
Yes.
A lot of times I'll ask myinner child like, okay, what do
I need right now?
And it's like rest Nine timesout of 10, it's like rest.
You know, like I feel a littleoff.
What do you need?
Rest, you know.
And so start having thatconversation, normalize that.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
And you know, listen to your voice.
Yesterday, your inner childsaid you needed rest.
My inner child said I needed togo for a run.
We addressed our needs and wewere able to come back
afterwards and you know we wereexcited about being.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
We were regulated.
We were regulated.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yes, and you know the inner child is also a great way
to handle your wounds.
Wound management is critical.
Wounds fester and they produceemotional weeds that will
literally wreak havoc on yourrelationship.
Yes, right, so emotionalregulation really equals
(23:54):
relationship success.
Speaker 1 (23:55):
Yes, it really does.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Regulated couples will fight fair.
They won't.
I mean, fighting is good right.
Fighting can be good, but-.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
They'll fight fair.
They're not fighting to win.
They're fighting for peace youknow which is another episode of
ours.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Exactly.
They can reconnect faster andthey can create more trust.
Now let me tell you, the bestpart of a fight is when that
fight is over.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Right.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
Right, Right.
So if you can fight fair,reconnect faster and create more
trust, then fights are seen aslevels up.
Yep.
Right.
And then you know, theemotional regulation predicts
greater longevity inrelationships.
Yeah, you know this is basedoff of a 2016 Berkeley study.
So imagine if you were able toregulate your emotions and your
(24:45):
partner was able to regulateemotions.
Think just how long yourrelationship could last in
harmony.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Yeah, because obviously lasting is one thing,
but enjoying a relationship fordecades is a different thing.
Yeah.
And it's possible by emotionalregulation.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
And regulation isn't about staying calm, right.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Yes, say that again.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Regulation isn't about staying calm.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
Yes, say that again Regulationisn't about staying calm.
It's about staying connected toyour values.
So if you value peace in yourhouse and your partner is
experiencing some emotionaldysregulation, you have the
opportunity to pause, take adeep breath, not react, so that
your values stay intact.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Yeah, you have a chance to pause, name the
trigger and choose your alignedaction.
Yeah, I love it.
So when you say connected toyour values, give me an example
of that.
Like you know, I'm going togive you a trigger.
So real life examples.
(26:01):
I feel like those are alwayshelpful for our empowered posse
and they're certainly helpfulfor me for embodiment and I use
them a lot in my practice.
So, let's say, your partnerinterrupts and the reaction
could be something like whydon't you ever let me finish?
Or why are you interrupting me?
Right, and a response so aregulated response would be.
(26:23):
I notice I'm feeling dismissed.
Can we try again?
Speaker 2 (26:29):
That is, providing more information and less
accusation.
Right that I can work with,yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Right.
So in that case, the value ofthe response is that I need them
to understand the feeling thatI'm feeling and also the
invitation to approach itdifferently Because you value
collaboration, right, okay.
(26:59):
So example two would be likelet's say, a client just ghosts
you and or maybe it's a clientyou're trying to procure or
something like that Right, butthey ghost you and your reaction
is to vent on social media.
Speaker 2 (27:17):
Natural response yeah .
Speaker 1 (27:18):
That's the reaction.
Oh, I'm going to go take thisto Facebook or Instagram or you
know, it's going to be all of mySnapchat stories today.
Speaker 2 (27:24):
I want everyone to know that this person is an
asshole.
Speaker 1 (27:26):
Yeah.
Or just you know you're sayingall of these negative things or
you're putting up you know thequote graphic like, oh, I want
them to know this is about them.
That would be a reaction, anemotionally dysregulated,
immature reaction, right?
The response, a regulatedresponse, would be to journal
(27:51):
and to find how to regulate onthe situation so you can assess
don't immediately assume thatit's about you and that you
failed or that they don't likeyou or whatever the negatives.
Don't immediately go there.
So you can regulate by reallyassessing well, what does this
(28:16):
mean for me?
And then you can always followup professionally once you
haven't had the emotionaloutburst.
If you have the emotionaloutburst and the emotional
reaction, it is very hard toswitch back to follow up
professionally.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
Correct, let me tell you from experience you can't
unread a book.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yes, yeah, you can't unsend a text really, or you
know, like your emotionaloutbursts on social media, that
shit lives forever.
So here's your tool so you cancreate a power pause plan.
You know what works for you, sowe can just give you the ideas.
I like that, the power pauseplan.
You know what works for you, sowe can just give you the ideas.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I like that.
The power pause plan yes.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
So you can and you can make this agreement.
You know this, this tool can bemade between the two of you, so
you can say like okay, you know, my power pause plan is going
to be to do breath work.
My first step it's going to bebreath work and then maybe a
(29:25):
phrase that grounds me.
So maybe you have like a mantraor affirmation or incantation
that you've been using thatgrounds you and then I.
The next, you know, the nextstep of the power pause plan
would be to ask some type of analigned question, and you can
either journal on this, you canhave a conversation, you can
walk outside like Mike does andtalk in the woods, you can
(29:50):
rattle off.
I think the key here is thatyou don't want to.
A lot of people will use thistype of aligned questioning to
vent or to call their mom orcall their best friend or
whatever, and have these longconversations that really are
creating more of what you don'twant Correct and they're making
(30:12):
the pattern deeper.
So a lot of times I've beenasked by girlfriends well, why
didn't you call me and vent?
So a lot of times I've beenasked by girlfriends well, why
didn't you call me and vent?
And it's like because I'mlooking to reprogram my mind and
to not have that be a part ofmy patterns.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
You're changing your narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:28):
Right, and so you can't change your narrative if
you're constantly complainingabout your spouse.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
Well, yeah, and you can't change your narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
Because that's your narrative.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You can't change your narrative if you keep using the
same narrative.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
That's the pattern, exactly it becomes a pattern
instead of an empowered plan.
So your power pause plan issome type of breath work.
Some people sing I love to singso for me sometimes it's
singing a really angry song.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
I hum or whistle on a regular basis.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Yeah, so you can find something.
So if breath work doesn't speakto you, there are other ways to
get that deep breath.
I don't recommend smoking, butthat's why people smoke a lot is
to get the deep breath.
Okay, so Just that's your powerpause plan.
I hope that's helpful.
We are definitely going to playa game.
I just want to say real quickto sum this up, that if you
(31:23):
think about it this way, thiswill help you stay empowered.
Reaction escalates.
(31:46):
Response elevates, elevates,elevates.
So when you are in a fight withyour couple, do you want that
fight to escalate or do you wantto see this fight have a way of
escalation where you arefighting and you're tired of
doing that, which I'm sureyou're fucking tired of that?
So if you're tired of thatbecause it's exhausting, you
(32:07):
need to find a response that isgoing to elevate the
relationship, correct andelevate you.
Speaker 2 (32:12):
And that's where values come in.
Yes, right, and that's wherevalues come in.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
Right.
So if you have a value set inthat states that every time I'm
having a conversation with myspouse or my kids, my value is
to elevate our relationship evenhigher, Right.
Right, even if it's hey, I loveyou, the elevation you
experience, the elevation Right,the elevation right.
So the minute that you have adysregulated response and your
(32:39):
value of elevating, everyconversation becomes invalid and
all of a sudden you are nowescalating a fight and lowering
your ability to be happy.
Right, you're not elevating,you're descending.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Yeah, you're disempowering, you're descending
, you're giving energy away.
Think of all the energy thatyou're leaking.
Think of it like a tire.
You literally can't get on yourway to do your thing if you're
leaking your energy constantlyin your relationships.
So let's play a game.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
Let's play a game, okay.
Speaker 1 (33:19):
So this is going to be react or respond.
Are you ready to be silly?
Cause like we've been serious,can we be silly?
Speaker 2 (33:30):
Yeah, okay.
What the hell was that?
Speaker 1 (33:33):
The face that you just made.
Okay, so I'm going to read yousome real life scenarios and
then you're going to react, andthen I will give the response.
How about that All?
Right and you have 10 secondsto react.
Speaker 2 (33:52):
That's all I need.
That's all I need.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Okay, and then?
I only have 10 seconds to offera healthy response.
Speaker 2 (33:59):
So I go for the escalation, you go for the
elevation.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (34:02):
Check.
Let's do this.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Ready, okay?
So here's the examples.
I have one, two, three.
I have six examples.
Give them to me, okay.
Your partner forgets yourbirthday.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Oh, hell, no, All right.
So here's what I'm going to doI'm going to go out, I'm going
to buy, as I'm uh, if I spent$50 on your birthday, I'm going
to spend $50 on myself, right?
And then I'm going to tataround the house letting you
know that you fucked up, thatyou fucked up, that you fucked
up over and over and over andover.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up.
Speaker 2 (34:36):
Yeah, I'm going to probably throw a temper tantrum.
I'll say some nasty thingsbecause I will feel validated to
say nasty things.
Speaker 1 (34:44):
Because they made a mistake.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
They made a mistake.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
That's a pretty big mistake.
Yeah, so here would be ahealthy response.
My partner forgot my birthday.
My partner forgot my birthday.
You know my birthday isimportant to me.
You know it's special to me andit's bringing up the sensation
(35:09):
that I didn't have a specialbirthday, and sometimes of my
life and it would be reallyimportant if you could make this
up to me in a healthy way.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
What you did is you gave me an opportunity to make
it better.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
I will take that opportunity and I will lift it
to a place where you're like oh,he forgot my birthday, but then
he did this.
Oh my God, I love him so much.
Speaker 1 (35:38):
Yes, okay, so that was hard.
By the way, I was like forgetmy birthday.
Everybody knows I'm likebirthday queen.
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I was like, hmm, I had to,like, really put myself there.
Okay, so you see some type ofpassive aggressive post and you
know it's clearly aimed at youon social media.
Speaker 2 (36:00):
Here's my response.
Oh hell, no, let me copyexactly what he's saying and I'm
going to switch the words sothat I'm going to manipulate
everything that he says so thatit's aimed right back at him.
Oh right, I'm going to do somepassive aggressive shit, because
passive aggressive needspassive aggressive.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Positive plus the positive is a negative.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
A healthy response would be if you want to maintain
this relationship, a healthyresponse would be hey, so and so
I think it's a good idea thatwe have a conversation where we
can heal some of the imbalancesthat are happening.
Are you open to that Questionmark?
And if there is no response,give it some time.
(36:46):
But if there is a response andit gives you the doorway to
healing the relationship, Now,if you didn't want to heal the
relationship and this person isjust being a jerk, there's this
wonderful thing called unfollow,there's this also wonderful
thing called mute, there's thiswonderful thing called block.
(37:06):
So all of those are availableto you.
But I will tell you, ifsomebody is triggering you, it's
about you and you need tofigure out how to heal that part
of you.
Speaker 2 (37:18):
And you know, in one of those type of responses,
sometimes non-reaction is thebest reaction.
Speaker 1 (37:24):
For sure.
That's why I said if you wantto heal the relationship, you
can do something, becauseanytime somebody is making that
type of, you know likeaggressive, passive, aggressive
thing, they're looking for areaction.
Right, reaction is what feeds alot of people to, you know, get
(37:46):
off on ego stuff.
So, okay, let's do another one.
Your child throws a tantrum inTarget.
Speaker 2 (37:55):
Oh hell, no.
In Target.
Oh hell, no.
That kid is going to be grabbedby its arm and pulled all the
way through Target as he'skicking and screaming, so that
the whole world can see thathe's a brat Right and that I'm a
victim of this brat.
Speaker 1 (38:13):
And what are you doing?
You going to the car andyelling.
Speaker 2 (38:15):
Going to the car yelling, you know driving home
as fast as I can, and then youknow getting into some sort of
distraction, be it beer, alcohol, whatever.
Speaker 1 (38:28):
Yep, yep.
Oh, I got to go home and havemy mommy juice there we go.
Which is wine, right?
Okay, so if your child throws atantrum in Target, this
obviously anybody who has kidsthis has happened.
So the response can be the sameway that we just taught you to
pause and to breathe and to namethe trigger.
(38:49):
And you know, like, if you'reembarrassed, like figure out why
them having a tantrum iscausing you pain.
Because it's causing yousomething Like you're going to
feel, you're going to have areaction and if you want to have
a response, you can.
There's this wonderful thing atall targets is there's a
dressing room, there's abathroom.
(39:10):
If you need to have someprivacy, you can go there.
You can also take your child tothe car.
But children are always havinga tantrum for a reason.
And if you can pause and getinto their emotional state of
what's happening like if youdenied them the toy and then
they're having the tantrum,non-reaction can be good and the
(39:32):
healthy response can be like,hey, let's just breathe this out
.
I understand that you're sadand having a soothing voice that
can allow them to feel whatthey're feeling, and then you
can regulate in that way and andyou know, make sure you're
breathing first, make sureyou're.
(39:53):
You know naming some, you knowyou can also have the phrase you
know, like when you know yourkid is two or three tantrums are
part of it.
Speaker 2 (40:02):
Yeah, tantrum a bitch , and you know you said
something earlier in the podcastthat you know as you manage
your own emotional responses,you're also showing your kids
how to do the same.
So there's a good chance thatif your kid is having a meltdown
in Target, it's probablybecause you've had several
meltdowns, or your partner hashad several meltdowns in the
(40:23):
house and they are justMirroring.
Mirroring.
Speaker 1 (40:27):
Yeah, Yep.
And also, you know, kids aresimple in a sense that.
Have they eaten, have theynapped, have they, you know, are
you managing their um, theirboundaries, as you know, tiny
little beings, you know, likethey have they, have they run
out of gas and then they runamok you know they run into
(40:48):
tantrums, Exactly.
So okay, let's go to the nextone.
Um, let's just do one morebecause we're running low on
time.
Um, your boss emails you at 10PM again.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
And here's the deal.
If it's not with hey Mike,here's a raise and here's a, you
know, some moreresponsibilities, a company car,
all that good stuff, then uh,my first response is oh hell, no
, you don't call me, you don't?
I mean, I'm not on, not on, I'mnot on my, my work schedule,
like you are.
You are now um, uh, on my.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
You know my time, my time, so right and a healthy
response would be, if you goback to our boundary medicine
episode, boundaries are energypreservation, so you should have
, if you know that this issomething, a pattern of your
bosses, your healthy responsehas already been recorded and
(41:44):
you already have it saved inyour notes, on your phone or on
your computer, in a doc orsomething where you can just
copy and paste and justreiterate your hours and that
you will address their needs inthe morning.
You also can choose not toreact at all and not to respond
at all.
You can set up an autoresponder that goes out at
(42:04):
certain hours like that'sboundaries, boundaries,
boundaries, baby.
That would be the healthiestresponse so that you can
eliminate the pattern.
You can break the pattern.
Speaker 2 (42:15):
And let me tell you, a properly established boundary
elevates the relationship.
Yes, it doesn't escalate it.
Speaker 1 (42:23):
Yes, yes.
I love that Reaction is a loudno from your past.
A response is a sacred yes toyour future is a sacred yes to
your future.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
I love that, I love that, and you know if I always
like to think about you knowthis, this topic, as you know,
um, uh, the conversation thatyou have between your
relationship, that you havebetween your mind and your heart
, right, so you want to keepyour mind cool and your heart
warm.
One way to keep your mind coolis with the breath, work right,
mantras, staying grounded,physical fitness, the boundaries
(43:05):
.
And to stay in your heart is tostay connected with your values
stay connected with your purpose, stay connected with your loved
ones right and if you valueheart-based practices and cool
mind practices, you probablywon't have many fights.
You'll just have opportunitiesto elevate.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
Yep, and you won't have regrets.
In like our game, you had likea crazy reaction that was, you
know, emotionally dysregulated,immature, masculine or feminine.
You are going to have a regretbecause you're going to be like
oh, I hate that I acted likethat.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
So when I'm talking about emotional regulation,
there are people on this planetwho you require them to practice
emotional regulation on aregular basis, Every time that
you get on a plane right andyou're walking into the plane
and you see all the stewardess.
(44:08):
Most of the time thosestewardess are happy, they're
smiling, they look like theyhave their composure, and the
same thing with the pilot.
Now, if you were stepping onthe plane and the pilot and the
coworkers and the crew they werearguing.
The pilot was having a physicalbreakdown.
They're on the phone, they'recrying, they're raising their
(44:29):
voice Would you board that planeor would you get the hell off?
Speaker 1 (44:35):
Oh, I'd get off, I'd get off.
Speaker 2 (44:36):
Yes, and that is what happens when we bring an
emotional, dysregulated versionof ourselves into a relationship
.
It makes everybody, everypassenger on that plane feel
like, okay, this is not, this isnot happening and let's just
and it's especially.
It's especially critical forthe men to keep their composure,
(44:59):
because the men have theability to also protect.
So if they are not protectingand they're turning around and
making people feel unsafe,people are going to exit the
plane as soon as they can.
Speaker 1 (45:13):
Right.
So let's just take this analogyand say that the people who are
riding the passengers on theplane are your kids.
And so if you and your co-pilot, your husband, wife are
fighting with each other andyou're not going to land the
(45:34):
plane, you're not going to beable, you're going to crash,
you're going to crash.
And you're crashing in a waythat hurts all of the passengers
, right, correct?
Like, metaphorically speaking,they're all going to die, right?
So you have to think about thisin a different way.
Like, if you are not, if you'reunwilling to heal that part of
yourself that is causingemotional dysregulation and
(45:59):
you're acting out emotionallyoften, then the woman is going
(46:23):
to feel unsafe.
Therefore she will become moremasculine and then her masculine
tendencies are going to want tolead, because she doesn't feel
that the partner that she'schosen is able to, because
they're dysregulated.
And when they're dysregulated,then the mature feminine will
(46:47):
kind of take a backseat and thenthe woman becomes so masculine
that she no longer can get intoa place of nervous system flow.
Speaker 2 (47:00):
Of course, because she is doing double duty right
as the stewardess.
That means the stewardess hasto take care of all the
passengers and fly the plane atthe same time.
A double duty, and instead ofthe male flying the plane, the
male actually becomes apassenger.
Speaker 1 (47:20):
Yes.
And also, then, what you areteaching, because children learn
from you, your actions, notfrom your words.
You're teaching them that it'sokay to abandon yourself and
it's okay to abandon yourfeminine.
It's okay to abandon your, yourfeminine, right?
(47:41):
So in this scenario, so thenyour child learns that it's not
safe.
So therefore, they'reconstantly trying to make things
safe.
And if it's a, if it's adaughter, the daughter is going
to then have people pleasing andit's just this vicious cycle.
So if you really don't get intoco-pilot, where you both are
(48:02):
co-pilots and you're notfighting to win you know where
you are looking to fight forpeace and have equality in your
relationship, where the femininegets to be alive and the
masculine gets to be alive andthey're both supported.
If you don't have that, this iswhat we coach.
(48:23):
This is what we do.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
This is what we do.
Speaker 1 (48:25):
So of course you know the offer stands.
If you are looking for harmonyin your relationship, you can
use the link in our show notesto apply.
Also, if you are feeling likeyou didn't have a male figure in
your life that taught you howto be masculine Mike is really
(48:48):
amazing at that and I've had theprivilege to watch some of his
coaching.
Speaker 2 (48:54):
Self-taught masculinity.
Speaker 1 (48:55):
Yes, yes, isn't that a challenge?
Yes, yes.
But now you?
Isn't that a challenge?
Yes, and then, challengeaccepted, challenge accepted,
you understood the challenge.
And then I am coachinggoddesses to heal their feminine
and to awaken with fun andpolarity and pleasure.
(49:17):
With fun and polarity andpleasure.
What's the funniest character?
Like you know, you grew up withthe old school cartoons.
Oh yeah.
You see me, sam, all that goodstuff, I only watched the old
stuff.
We didn't have cable orexpensive things, so I watched
what was on with commercials andstuff and so I used to watch,
(49:40):
like the oldest stuff, like someof it was like in black and
white because I just thoughtthey were so funny and they're
just show like like who's yourfavorite reaction person and and
if you pay attention, like theold school cartoons, they're all
just like a great example ofreactions.
Okay, ready One, two, three.
Speaker 2 (50:01):
Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 1 (50:02):
That's what I was going to say.
No, you liar.
No, I swear to God, that'sexactly what I was going to say.
Tasmanian devil.
Speaker 2 (50:08):
Okay, why did you say it?
Speaker 1 (50:10):
Because I was like, and then you said it faster, so,
but that's literally what I wasgoing to say.
Speaker 2 (50:15):
And it's a Tasmanian devil because he has no
regulated response.
He's always dysregulated.
Speaker 1 (50:22):
Always.
Speaker 2 (50:23):
That's it, Blah blah, blah, tear it up, tear it up,
tear it up, tear it up, tear itup, tear it up and that's it.
Yes, there's no, hey, what dowe have here?
Speaker 1 (50:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (50:32):
What can we recover from this?
No, what can we recover fromthis?
No, you know what can we growfrom this?
It is just like tear it down,tear it down, tear it down, yeah
, or?
Speaker 1 (50:39):
like Tom and Jerry.
I mean I could have said a lotof things, but if you just think
about like, the reaction islike hilarious on old cartoons
and old cartoons I feel likeespecially some of them didn't
even have like words and youknow then you really get to like
pay attention to the reactionand it's just hilarious.
And the patterns Like if youthink of like Wile E Coyote is
(51:04):
that what it's called?
Speaker 2 (51:05):
Yeah, wile E Coyote yeah.
Speaker 1 (51:06):
If you think of their pattern, it's like beep beep.
So, like, your assignment inPower Posse is to watch some old
cartoons and pay attention toreactions, because you are
likely carrying out that samebehavior.
All of them are like a study onhuman behavior.
And let me tell you, I studiedevery Saturday morning.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
Wile E Coyote and the Roadrunner really the
Roadrunner is a show ofregulated and dysregulated.
The roadrunner is regulated, heanticipates, he always has a
plan, he stays calm, he can stayon the edge of a cliff at the
very last second and then make aminor move, whereas with a
(51:49):
coyote he's desperate, he'shungry, he needs it, he needs it
, and every time he fails hedoesn't learn Right.
Speaker 1 (51:59):
And Tom and Jerry is the same thing.
Yeah, you know, like theformula.
If you pay attention to theformula, which is the pattern,
which is the recipe, like itrepeats itself over and over
again, the human condition beinga human, it's full of patterns,
so that will be a fun exercise.
(52:20):
I think you can watch them onMacs.
I think we looked into this atone point because I was like we
need Saturday morning cartoons.
Speaker 2 (52:27):
You can also.
Youtube it.
Speaker 1 (52:28):
Yeah, you can YouTube it, but yeah, I don't know what
you'll find, because I feellike we did try that.
Anyway, I digress.
I think that would be a funexercise to do Some cartoons.
I will warn you did not agewell, so be careful.
Oh yeah, I wouldn't watch itwith your kids yet there are
things that we have watched withour daughter when she was a
(52:48):
little younger and I was likewhat the hell?
Look at what we got programmedwith Just like 80s and 90s shows
that I'm like what.
Speaker 2 (52:58):
I mean the original Little Rascals.
Oh, I consume that to death.
And then there was a scene.
Yeah, there was a couple ofscenes.
I was like whoa damn.
Speaker 1 (53:10):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2 (53:13):
You are held.
Speaker 1 (53:14):
You are loved.
You are held.
You are loved I'm having aregulated response to the heat.
It's officially June y'all.
Speaker 2 (53:29):
Yeah, I thought you were having a response to me
saying the word, but I know whenwe do our tests, our microphone
checks.
I get triggered.
Speaker 1 (53:46):
And I could have a regulated response or a reaction
.
Can we not use that word ever?
I don't think.
Speaker 2 (53:53):
I Do.
You want a scientific word,honey?
No, I don't like the scientificword.
Speaker 1 (53:56):
Honey Mm-hmm no I don't.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
I think it's a pretty word.
Speaker 1 (54:03):
Oh, that's good for you.
I'm glad you like the word.
I don't like the word.
It's very flowery.
Speaker 2 (54:08):
I want to go outside and smell the vaginas in that
garden.
It has the same ring to it.
Speaker 1 (54:13):
So you're just doing this to trigger me to have a
reaction.
I got it.
So you're just doing this totrigger me to have a reaction.
I got it.
I see you.
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