February 15, 2024 • 53 mins
Ever feel like your own worst enemy lives in your head, constantly critiquing your every move? Confidence coach Amber Rose West joins us to dissect the seven archetypes of our inner critic and teaches us how to flip the script on self-sabotage. As we share our vulnerabilities and triumphs, we promise you'll gather the tools to transform your pain into unmistakable passion, learning to foster a nurturing self-dialogue that champions your growth.
The specter of imposter syndrome can loom large, especially when embarking on new ventures or comparing our behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel. In this space, we reveal our own brushes with these daunting feelings and how we've wrestled with the roots of our inner critics. Amber Rose offers a beacon of hope, illuminating the path to reprogramming our internal narratives. You won't just identify with our struggles; you'll be equipped to mold your inner dialogue into something more akin to a best friend's supportive whisper.
We wrap up this heartfelt episode by inviting you into the intimate process of self-discovery, where the crux of self-care and the key to breaking generational cycles lies. Laughter and enlightenment merge as we play "Whose Voice Is It," identifying the different archetypes of our inner critics with the help of Amber Rose's expertise. Our conversation is an invitation to join us in a commitment to self-love and acceptance, moving beyond being driven by life's pressures to being pulled by the threads of our own vibrant confidence.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Mike (00:00):
Oh, I think we're gonna do banter first.
Just look at me like okay, go.
Zuri (00:04):
Okay, ready, Ready go.
And the one and the one's in aTuzi.
That might be a whole entireseason.
Welcome to season five and aonesie Tuzi.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple podcast, where your path
to self mastery expands.
Mike (00:23):
My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.
Zuri (00:26):
And he's expansion coach Mikey Starr.
Mike (00:28):
Together, we are the Empowerment Couple.
Zuri (00:31):
Our mission is simple to serve you love, so you can make
informed decisions to regain andmaintain your personal power.
Mike (00:37):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Zuri (00:49):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Mike (00:55):
Each episode is an exciting blend of education,
entertainment and empowerment.
Zuri (01:00):
Designed to help you create a mindset to be a magnet
for more love, happiness andabundance.
Mike (01:06):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
co-create your most beautifullife.
Zuri (01:14):
So if you're ready to embrace the power within, hit
that subscribe button and let'sembark on this empowering
journey together.
Mike (01:23):
Well, all I know is that one of the biggest challenges
that we face on the road tosuccess and happiness is
managing what Our mindset.
And beliefs, exactly mindsetsSpeaking the same language
you're having Like mmm.
And I feel like the bulk sum ofthe Empowerment Couple podcasts
(01:43):
are focused on managing ourmindset through movement, diet
habits and healthy practices.
Right, yeah.
And while the value of positivehabits are undeniable, for some
reason some of us still tend tofall back into negative habits.
Zuri (01:58):
We sometimes don't practice what we preach either.
Right A little smuggy butt andwe cross over into destructive
thought patterns that we knowdon't serve us.
But why is that?
Are we somehow tethered to thisold version of ourselves and
despite how much we try, we justcan't outrun our own faults?
(02:19):
To properly answer thesequestions, we realized that we
needed to go deeper and diveinto how to better converse with
the spokesperson of our pain,our own inner critic.
Mike (02:34):
Oh, not that character.
Well, we connected with AmberRose West, who shared with us
her journey in managing her owninner critic and how she was
able to transmute her pain intopassion.
And during this interview wediscussed, you know, the seven
archetypes that we all have andhow and why they serve us or
(02:56):
sabotages.
Zuri (02:57):
Right.
The fact of the matter is thatwe all have an inner critic.
A large part of our personaland professional evolution is to
learn how to recognize theseseven archetypes without
identifying with them.
Mike (03:12):
Critical.
Zuri (03:13):
So, so, so important.
I mean let me just say it againlike to recognize them without
becoming them Exactly Right.
The trick is to know which oneis speaking the loudest and to
know the role they play in ourdevelopment.
If we spend too long listeningto the wrong voice, we can find
(03:34):
ourselves sprinting in thewrong-ass direction.
Mike (03:38):
I've been there.
Mm-hmm and in order to becomethe best version of ourselves,
we must know and understand theworst version of ourselves,
right?
So we got to see our dichotomy,and when we begin to master our
emotions, our confidence growswe are more creative, we're more
patient, we're moreunderstanding and we are better
able to give and receive love,which is the ultimate goal.
Zuri (04:02):
Yeah, right, exactly.
Well, let's introduce ouramazing guest, amber Rose West.
She is the creator and host ofthe Women of Color of Confidence
podcast and she works as aconfidence coach for women
entrepreneurs.
Amber Rose works with teachers,coaches and creatives, helping
them reprogram their self-talkto minimize inner critics',
(04:24):
perfectionism and comparison sothey can cultivate a stronger,
more confident speaking voice.
So bring it on, amber.
We need you.
Mike (04:34):
So let's get them flexed and just do this.
Zuri (04:38):
Yay, welcome to the Empowerment Couple podcast.
We have Amber Rose here with ustoday, who we just told you all
about.
Mike (04:45):
Hello Amber, how are you?
Amber Rose West (04:46):
Hello, thank you for having me.
I'm great, I'm excited to behere.
Zuri (04:50):
We are so excited that you're here.
When we came across you, wewere like oh my gosh, she has to
be on the show.
This is the exact type of voicethat we want to amplify, and
it's so needed and so missing inour society and our culture.
Most of our listeners are fromthe US, but we do have worldwide
(05:10):
listeners.
And, yeah, just from my heartto yours, I'm so thrilled you're
here.
Amber Rose West (05:17):
Oh well, thank you, I really appreciate that,
and I you know not to toot myown horn, but I definitely agree
, like a lot of the things thatwe talk about around self-love
and self-respect.
They're so needed in so manydifferent parts of the world
with so many different people,and so it's one of the reasons
that I went into this field andwhy I'm so passionate about
continuing this work, so thankyou for that.
Zuri (05:37):
Yeah, and we are really we magnetized to passionate people
.
We're very passionate and so Ifeel like when these things
happen, it's just like the starsare lighting.
It's very synchronicity,synchronicity.
Yeah, so I want to start withthe first question, dive right
in.
Mike (05:55):
I do, okay, so very first questions.
Nice and easy.
What is the number one reasonwhy we give so much power to our
inner critic?
Amber Rose West (06:06):
That's a really good question, and I love
talking about inner critics, soif I get a little nerdy here,
just excuse me, because I thinkit's a topic that there's so
much more to explore in it anditself.
But one of the reasons I thinkthe inner critics have so much
power it's because they'redeveloped when we're children,
when we're young, and so they'rewith us for a very long time
(06:28):
and over the amount of time fromthe point that they start
developing to where we actuallyrecognize that they're impacting
our lives in a way that wedon't want them to be impacting
our lives.
They've been with us for solong that they begin to sound
like us, right.
They begin to like blend intoour own voices, and so then it
becomes really difficult toseparate what is my voice and
(06:51):
what is my truth and what is myhonesty here.
And what is this inner criticthat, in one sense, is trying to
keep me safe, but also is doingit in a really, really crappy
way, right?
And then the second part of thisis that there are seven
different inner criticarchetypes, and so when we start
to see like, okay, I have thisinner critic that's inside of my
head that is stopping me fromdoing the things that I want to
(07:14):
be doing or feeling good aboutmyself, following my dreams,
there are seven differentarchetypes that can become
folded into that one voice.
So, while we're thinking it'sonly one inner critic, it's
actually these could be up toseven of these different voices
that are all kind of molded intoone, which is why I feel so
(07:35):
loud.
Sometimes, right, it's comingat us from all these different
directions.
We have the perfectionist, wehave the controller, we have
this conformer, we have thisdestroyer, and all of a sudden
they're all together and sothey're just booming and they're
super loud and it's like how doyou talk louder than seven
different voices that arepounding inside of your head?
Zuri (07:57):
Yeah, that is so good.
So you want to name the sevenfor our empowered policies, the
name of our tribe that listensto us?
Oh my gosh, I love that.
Yeah, do you want to list thoseout for us?
Amber Rose West (08:09):
Yeah.
So we have the perfectionist,which I think a lot of us tend
to know just from yeah, me too,I have the perfectionist.
We have the inner controller,which tends to be for those who
have, when they have reallystrong vices, you know, like
shopping or eating or drinking.
Inner controller is that innercritic that comes and makes you
(08:29):
feel bad for those things butthen also tells you to keep
doing those things because ofthe things that, yeah, this,
like this vicious cycle.
We have the under miner.
It's the inner critic thatlikes to tell you that you don't
know anything like you don't.
You don't have any selfconfidence and you really
shouldn't, because you know whywould you kind of thing?
Who do you think you are kindof it?
We have the task master.
Those of us who are ambitiousand determined, the task master
(08:54):
seems to be a very common innercritic, because it always makes
you feel like you have to bedoing something in order to
reach the goal that you want tobe reaching, but then when you
go to rest which is also a partof what you need to do to get to
where you want to be it's like,hey, you should be writing.
Hey, you should be networkinghey, you should be posting
content.
So it likes to criticize thework that you do and then
criticize you for not doing thatwork.
(09:15):
Also, we have the guilt tripperwhat tends to be the inner
critic that comes along if youhad very dominating parents or
adults in your childhood thatmade you feel like you know you
have to do things a certain wayand if you don't do them that
way, then you're not going to besuccessful or you could be in
danger, right?
So when you start going outsideof things that you've been
(09:38):
taught or exploring, it likes topull you back in under the gaze
of guilt.
Then we have the conformer,which tends to come from people
that were put inside of a boxwhen they were younger and every
time they tried to get out ofthat box, it was like you're
gonna die.
This is the worst thing youcould ever possibly do.
We don't ever do that again.
(09:58):
So every time you try to dosomething new, you try to evolve
, try again, try to explore.
It doesn't use guilt, but ituses these values that you've
built up for yourself, based onthe values that you were given
to children.
And then we have the destroyer,which tends to be I think of it
as like the nemesis of all selfconfidence, but it definitely.
(10:18):
It comes in and basicallydestroys who you are on a
fundamental level.
One of the best examples that Ihave of the destroyers.
I used to work with a woman whoran a nonprofit and she was
helping women get out ofsituations where they were being
abused or mistreated.
She had a fund going, she hadall this community support.
She was known up and down thestate and one day she came into
(10:39):
our group and she told us thatshe felt like a garbage person.
I was like why was that?
She's like I don't know.
I just wake up some days andI'm like you're garbage, you're
nothing.
And I was like that is thedestroyer.
That's not you, because youknow all of us don't think that
about you.
But your destroyer, inner critic, is coming in to like pull you
down by the essence of yourbeing, to say you're, you're
(11:01):
nothing, and why are you evenhere?
And you think you're doing agood job, but no.
So those are the seven innercritic archetypes and you can
imagine if you have one or two,you're like I can pinpoint that,
but imagine if you had allseven and then they're coming at
you as this like booming innercritic voice.
You think it's one.
And now you're like, okay, I'mgoing to try to work on this
(11:22):
voice, but you don't know whereto start.
You don't know which archetypesyou have or how to address each
one, so it feels sooverwhelming because you can't
figure out where to start.
And then you're like, forget it, it's just too powerful, I
can't do it Right.
Once you start to learn thecharacteristics of each one,
then you can face each one, andyou may not even have all of
them, but, like the ones you dohave, you can address them
directly and start breaking themdown.
Mike (11:45):
Now I like what you said in regards to that.
A lot of these voices arelearned responses.
You pick them up as you'recutting your way through
childhood and by the time youget to adulthood, you've
identified with that voice.
And the problem is is that onceyou've identified it, you with
(12:06):
that voice, you don't know thatyou cannot identify it.
You think it's just you, it'syour face in the mirror it's
your voice in your head, andthen I wanted to just to state
that while you were talkingabout that seventh, archetype my
destroyer comes in so often Ihad to give it a name.
Amber Rose West (12:29):
Yeah, what's your destroyer's name?
Mike (12:32):
Oscar, oscar, yeah, he's nuts.
So when you said that seventh,I'm like, oh, there's your face,
I was like you know that one.
Zuri (12:45):
Hold it together so you could stay, like with your list,
and I was like I can relate somany of those things, and
certainly I was kind of likecutting eyes at Mike, because I
was like, um, yeah, you know myfamily, I know your family and
you know there's so much thatall of us have this.
All of us are are struggling,you know, or really suffering if
(13:07):
we haven't figured out how toovercome.
So when we have discussionslike this, I'm so excited to
bring awareness to these thingsthat are happening inside of us.
Everyone not me, not just you,not just Mike, like everyone is
is dealing with this.
Yeah, and so it's nice to knowyou're not alone, and it's also
(13:31):
nice to know what you can doabout it, and this is definitely
a solutions podcast.
So we're always looking for,like, how can we give as much
empowerment away to our audienceso that they can live a
beautiful life?
Yeah, what did you have?
Another question I don't wantto step on your toes.
Mike (13:50):
I don't have another question as of yet, aside from
the obvious one is how did youstumble into this information?
I mean this the inner criticsthe inner critics.
And how did you, how did youdecide to, to, to make it a
passion of yours to, todismantle these and master them
so that they're they're toolsthat you can use versus you know
(14:15):
the person who's holding thethe chain?
Amber Rose West (14:17):
Yeah, that's a great question.
I started out in a place whereI was.
I learned about impostersyndrome really early on because
I started one of my firstbusinesses when I was still in
college and I had the experienceof watching my first week.
You know, you do all theplanning of the business and
then you start the business.
In that first couple of weeksit's very slow starting and I
(14:38):
don't think that I set myself upfor understanding that, and I
had a partner at the time so Iwas freaking out.
He's cool as a cucumber and I'mlike, how are you not freaking
out?
And he's like why are youfreaking out so much?
And so, of course, I went tothe internet and my degree is in
health communication and so Idid a lot of science studies in
(14:59):
college, did a lot of researchstudies, analysis of research,
and that's where I was like, inthat, as I was starting my first
business, I was like there'sgot to be something on the
internet or some researchsomewhere that will tell me why
I'm freaking out so much.
And that's where I stumbledupon imposter syndrome.
Right, even though you have allthese accomplishments, you're
looking at something that you'redoing and you're like I'm crazy
(15:19):
, why did I do this?
Why did I think that I could dothis?
This is not.
I could never be successful atthis, right.
As I started learning more aboutimposter syndrome and the
research that started back inthe 70s I was looking through,
there hasn't been a lot moreresearch done on imposter
syndrome, which is reallyunfortunate, and maybe I'll do
it someday.
But as I was looking throughwhat had already been done there
(15:42):
, it's such a minimal scope ofresearch with a very small
population size that women likeme were not included in back in
the 70s, right.
So then it was like there hasto be more included in this and
as I started digging more andmore and more the inner, the
word inner critic kept coming upa lot, a lot, a lot.
So it was like, maybe insteadof looking at this you know,
(16:02):
imposter phenomenon, impostersyndrome I should be looking at
inner critics and what that hasto do with feeling like an
imposter, because a critic andimposter they kind of sound like
they go together and that'swhere the diving super deep into
inner critic started and thedevelopment of imposter syndrome
and your inner critic startsaround the same time in that
early development when you'rereally trying to figure out who
(16:25):
you are, how to express yourself, what's constantly being told
to you and at you?
This is how you behave, this iswhat you say, this is what you
don't say, this is what you wear, this is what you don't wear.
These are the people you talkto, these are people you don't
talk to, right?
You're constantly being toldwhat to do and who to be, and
from that, which I found to be,I think the like the word that,
(16:45):
like always comes to mind islike it felt a little
disheartening because it almostfelt like it was uncontrollable.
But I was like, okay, that yourinner critic comes from all that
information and there is, likeyou said, to identify with it so
hard.
Like, how do you unidentifywith it when you don't have
those people all the timeconstantly telling you where to
(17:06):
go, not go, who to be, not be?
You know, like I don't nolonger have that external voice,
so the only voice left is theone that was created from
previously, when people weregiving me all that information,
right?
And then I tried to think of itin terms of a relationship,
right, which is what kind ofrelationship do I want to have
with the voice inside of my headand how is it that I can make
(17:30):
it go from being a critic tobeing someone that I'm like BFFs
with, because, at the end ofthe day, that critic isn't going
to help me get to where I wantto be, but that BFF will, and I
know that right.
And so, without this, thesevoices from my parents and my
coaches and my teachers I had tobe that voice and I got that
(17:50):
external voice from the researchand the books and just
continuing to look at differentstudies that have been done
specifically with inner criticsand even breaking down each
inner critic.
So I looked at research studiesthat had to do with
perfectionism and ambitiouswomen.
I looked at research that hadto do with people who left their
conformed communities, researchthat looked at how is it that
(18:13):
you go from being go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
, go people please are all thetime To finding balance and rest
and self care, right?
So those individual innercritics each have their own
research to do inside of themand I don't know if you can tell
, but that's where the rabbitholes started, like if you pick
one.
Zuri (18:30):
It started with imposter syndrome, right and just real
quick.
Could you give us a definitionof what that means to you and
your field?
Oh, there's a lot of peopleonline that use it.
I feel in a way that doesn'treally mean sense.
You know it doesn't make senseit's not exactly how it was
(18:52):
intended to be used, and I hearit thrown around so much that I
think it would be great to hear.
Mike (18:58):
That's almost weaponized yeah.
Amber Rose West (18:59):
Exactly.
That's good.
So originally in the 1970s,with researchers Keynes and I
they did studies but they calledit imposter phenomenon and it
wasn't called imposter syndrome.
It was called a phenomenon,just something that you
experience, versus somethingthat makes you sick.
So I really like to start therewhen I'm explaining what
imposter syndrome is, because Idon't believe that it makes any
(19:22):
of us ill or any of us sick.
I believe it's an experience, afeeling that we have experience
in a particular environment oraround people or in situations.
When you look at it from thatperspective, it's different than
again taking ownership of I'man imposter and instead saying
I'm having this feeling of likenon belonging Right, this idea
(19:43):
that I don't belong in thisparticular situation.
And these are all of thereasons why I believe that when
we look at this non belonging,it also leads back to Our human
nature of wanting to be accepted, wanting to have belonging, and
I believe the phenomenon is allthose things we tell ourselves
that separates us from thatbelonging or that self
(20:05):
acceptance.
So when people come to me orthey read my things, I do use
the word imposter syndromebecause I feel like people
understand it.
And then when they get inside aroom with me.
I'm like, haha, I'm going totell you the truth.
Yeah, you both went with thebuzzword and then they're like
actually did you, but actuallylet me tell you what it really
is, and I think you know, I feel, I feel really deeply in my
(20:26):
heart for people who experienceimposter syndrome, especially
because it's become such abuzzword that now people are
saying you don't have that,that's not real, and I'm like
but people do have it and peopledo experience it.
So, instead of telling someonethat's not real, ignore that.
How about saying I understandwhat you're feeling, but let's
look at all of the things insideof this that separate you from
(20:48):
acceptance and belonging,because that's truly what's
happening here.
Not that you're a fake orsomeone's going to find you out,
or you didn't work hard enoughto get to where you are.
Ok, those are all things insideof it, but the root of all of
it is this this I'm separatedfrom longing belonging and I'm
separated from acceptance.
Zuri (21:06):
Yeah, wow.
Mike (21:08):
There's so much heat coming out of your words.
I mean, I appreciate the factthat you were able to take pain
and transmute it into medicine.
You know, transmute it intosomething that can be handed out
for people who are goingthrough the same pains that you
were going through with, youknow, and have it be a source of
(21:31):
medicine, a guide point sort ofspeak.
So you know, you kind of you'rethe epitome of what our
empowered posse is.
You know it's people who are upagainst their own personal
challenges and all they'rewanting to do is transmute that
and become a bigger version ofthemselves, as you did.
So I'm going to move on to thenext question.
Amber Rose West (21:52):
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Zuri (21:54):
Yeah, I want to just echo that that it's exactly why I was
immediately drawn to Amber,because I was like, oh gosh,
like we just had this experience, and then I'll get into a
question.
But we just had this experiencewith our teen daughter who had
this play, and then there was afeedback from the audience and
all of the plays that were selfwritten were about basically not
(22:17):
knowing how to manage yourmindset.
You know, teens are strugglingwith, with mental health, and I
was like gosh, if I could justget up there and tell them like
hey, like you're not alone, evenadults, this is how we are
programmed, this is how we arewired.
This is part of being a human,and having the human experience
is that you're going to have toknow how to master your mindset.
(22:40):
And obviously there wasn't anopportunity to go to each person
in the audience and each actorand you know, give them my
empowered speech, yeah, but butI think, to echo what you said,
it's just like I want to makesure that we amplify voices like
Amber so that we are alwayscoming forward with not just
(23:02):
like theory, but like theirscience, their studies there's
and and are you living inempowered life now that you have
all of this knowledge?
Amber Rose West (23:13):
Yeah, I really am, and when I first started on
the research route it was kindof unsexy.
You know, when you're like, hey, let me look at this research
study and comb through all thesewords and data sets and all
that stuff and I know thatthat's not something that
everyone is educated enough todo and I totally understand that
.
It's also really boringsometimes and you're like
weeding through research part.
(23:34):
That was part of my journey.
Right, that was a part that,the part of the journey that
made sense to me and made mefeel good about what I was
reading, that I wasn't justlooking at things on Wikipedia
and Google and like trustingwhat random people on the
internet were saying.
Right, and I think that that'sa big part of our next
generation's empowerment journeyas well.
(23:55):
And I've had so many people whohave asked me like, do you have
a like a teenager program?
You know, because I I work withmostly adult women who are like
in in an industry and I said Iwould really love to have one.
I would.
But I also know that there's ahuge component of social media
research that needs to go intothat program to adequately
(24:17):
address the differences betweenmy generation and maybe all
generation and the growing upnow glued to social media.
I didn't have social media tillI was in college, where my
formation of what was happeningin my brain and my thoughts and
who I was developing into wasalready kind of not set is
nothing set, but it was like Ihad already done all of that
(24:38):
without the pressure of a globallike.
I had my bullies in school andI had the people in my classes
that I looked up to and you knowthe.
I mean, I was a jock also.
I played a ton of sports.
So we know, I was a captainmost of my teams, but also like
other teams and I was looking atlike, oh my gosh, I don't want
to be like them, you know.
But now this next generation hasthis, the pressure of social
(25:00):
media that is so much biggerthan what I had, and so, as much
as I would love to do that, Iknow that there's a
responsibility there to includea lot of that stuff which I
still research a lot of todayand hopefully one day I'll have
that teenagers program.
But you're right, you know that.
You know 85% of the world dealswith feelings of not feeling
(25:21):
adequate or worthless or havingno self respect or little self
respect, and that 15% are thepeople that were like I don't
want to live like that anymore.
Right, I tell my people time Iwant you to be a part of the 15%
, because it's it means thatit's possible, it means that
you're not alone, but it alsomeans that it's possible, right.
Zuri (25:39):
I had one more question for you.
What do you think would be thetop three ways that anyone can
retrain their mind to operatefrom a place of self, love, self
?
Amber Rose West (25:52):
love.
So one of the things that Ilearned early on, this would be
number one, the thing that Ilearned early on that took me
years to understand, because Icame from a very like spiritual
and yoga community that was likeeverything in positive,
everything in positive, and so Ikept trying to Okay, more self
(26:13):
love, more self love.
Okay, more self love.
And it wasn't until years laterthat I realized that that self
love wasn't sticking because Ihadn't stopped hating on myself
all the time.
I was constantly hating onmyself and so I had to say, like
, stop hating on yourself allthe time, from these little
micro aggressions to these big,larger, like banging my head
(26:36):
against the wall, kind of likethis self hate that I had.
And all my friends were likeyou shouldn't say stop and you
shouldn't say hate.
And I was like, well, tellingme to put more self love into it
isn't the same as stopping thehate?
Right, and like, if you imagine, like two doors to one room and
one of them is wide open andone of them just like a little
bit open and there's waterrushing into the room, right,
(27:00):
and I was like, okay, well, likeI can't, like I need to stop
the rush coming from this doorto shut the door so that, like
this, one can open and rush morewater into it, right?
And so the concept of learninghow to stop hating on myself all
the time was a real journey,and I really had to focus on how
much it was I was doing it inorder to stop it from the little
(27:21):
things.
Like you know, I would make ameal for my friends and they'd
be like this is really like, ohno, it's just some like stuff I
had in the room, whatever it is,and they were like okay, you
know, it's like, why am I likenot accepting this compliment
right now?
It's so silly that I would putmyself down and the process of
saying they're enjoyingsomething that I made for them
(27:41):
right to like the larger, biggerthings.
Like you know you make amistake, or you spend money on
something that you know didn'tgo well, or you know investing
in something and you know youget into a car accident.
You're like I'm an idiot, I'mso dumb, and you're like banging
your head against the wall andthey're like why?
Why can't it just be somethingthat happened or a mistake that
you made, right?
So, first and foremost, I thinkthat being able to love
(28:03):
yourself more comes like afteryou're able to shut the door on
on the hate, all the self hate,all the time.
Secondly, I believe this selflove, it's so complicated, it's
so involved, right, when we talkabout self love, love is one of
(28:24):
those emotions that I believewe obviously, we all think about
it in different capacities.
But you know, going back to thisconcept of us understanding
things, from our childhooddevelopment, we all got love in
a different way from differentpeople.
And if you know, like me, I hada very absent father who just
showed up, you know, once everycouple of years to say that he
(28:46):
saw us.
You know, to tell other peopleoh yeah, I saw them, you know, I
saw them, but there was neverreally a love or connection
dynamic there.
And I remember when I became ateenager, I asked my mom why,
like, why would you have kids ifyou're not going to be around
them?
And she just said he loved youthe best that he could, right.
And so from that moment I justthought that, like love, you
(29:07):
know, the best that you candoesn't necessarily mean the
best that I deserve, right.
And you learn those things fromtheir people.
So you have all these differentpeople in your past that love
you in different ways, and thenyou translate that into what
love is or isn't in your life,and then you turn around as an
adult and you start putting loveout in that way.
And if you don't learn how todo it and any differently, and
(29:28):
then that's just like themessage of love that you have
that translates through you outinto the world, right.
And so it gets really confusingwhen you realize that how you
were loved is not the way thatother people were loved, or that
you can learn how to love adifferent way, right.
So it's so complicated and so,like before, you focus on self
love.
If you focus on self acceptance, that will allow you to I don't
(29:53):
want to say automatically,because nothing is automatic in
the world, but it's like if youfocus, focus, focus on self love
, self love, self love, and it'svery complicated for you.
It can kind of boulder up ahill, but when you start
focusing on self acceptance,then it feels like you're
kicking a pebble up that hill ofself love, because they tend to
feed off of each other and theidea of self love becomes like
(30:16):
more intertwined with selfacceptance, and so you have this
symbiotic relationship betweenthe two that allow self love to
be easier because you'vemastered this feeling of self
acceptance.
And then, third is really I mean, self love really comes from,
you know, overpowering yourinsecurities, right,
understanding what it is thatkeeps you separated from self
(30:39):
love, and the same with selfconfidence, right, I feel like
self love, self confidence, selfrespect, self worth they all
kind of go together.
So if you're trying to build upall of those things, but you
have these insecurities that arein the way, if you do not, do
not understand what they are,how they're impacting you and
how to manage them, like selflove can't exist in that
(31:03):
environment.
Right, self love and selfrespect and self confidence
can't exist in the sameenvironment where your
insecurities are running rampant.
So, really understanding whatyours are, because they're, just
like self confidence, verypersonalized to who you are as a
person what makes me feel selfconfident may not make you feel
self confident, and so we haveto understand, okay, well, what
(31:26):
are my insecurities that I needto understand, that I need to
overpower, that, I need to learnhow to manage so that they are
a minimal part of my experienceand minimal part of my mental,
emotional space, and that leavesmore space for self confidence
and self love and selfvalidation to start like
(31:46):
blooming and thriving in yourhead, in your heart.
Mike (31:51):
Hey man sister, yes, yes, I love that, I love that, I love
that.
Zuri (31:55):
Yeah, yeah, I feel.
One reflection I just want toshare back with you is that I
feel like a lot of times on ourshow we share how important it
is to get to know yourself,because what we say and we try
to say it in multiple differentways, but what we say about self
(32:17):
love might be different, whatwe say about your self care
might be different.
I mean, you can't speak toeveryone.
We're all so unique and so youknow, and only available to
certain ideas.
You know, because that's wherewe're at at the time and I feel
like with self awareness, thenyou can approach all of these
(32:39):
things, especially even likeinner critic.
I'm sure there's peoplelistening, of course, empowered
posse, let us know if you agree,but I'm sure there's people
listening.
That's like, oh, I only havethree of those things that she
was talking about inside of mebecause they haven't done the
work to figure out.
Like you know, let me be honestwith myself.
(33:02):
Let me explore what happened inmy childhood.
Let me explore what happened inmy family or what's
generationally been happening.
You know, like that's a hugething.
Mike and I are both cyclebreakers and so we, you know,
have broken down a lot ofgenerational bullshit and I mean
in so many ways.
But we've done shows about it.
(33:24):
But the point is that if peopleeverything that you said means
like you got to that placebecause you did the work, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Amber Rose West (33:36):
And I really appreciate you pointing out that
the you know individual listexcited of self care as well,
and I do believe that part ofthe reason people stop doing the
work whether it's self-care,self-love, self-acceptance,
self-building, yourself-confidence is because it
does require that tapping in towhat.
(33:56):
Let's talk about self-carespecifically real quick, because
I think it is very important.
But I tell all my clients whatdo you do for self-care?
And they tell me and I say,where did you find those things?
And they said the internet.
When I googled it and I said,okay, and those are okay things
to explore.
But what if, instead of going toGoogle first, you said, hey,
amber Rose, what are some thingsthat you could do that make you
(34:19):
feel cared for?
And those things come from?
Well, what are some things Ilike to do?
What are some things thatliterally put a smile on my face
?
What are some things that giveme worm fuzzies?
I know people talk aboutmani-pedis as this like ultimate
self-care type of thing and I'mlike I hate when people touch
my fingernails, get off of myhands, get away from me.
(34:40):
I will trim and cut.
I love to be groomed, but Ilove to groom myself.
Right.
I don't want someone else doingit, right?
Zuri (34:46):
So then, I was like I love when I'm groomed, but I do not
enjoy the process of a salon ormani-pedi.
No, I'm like a tomboy throughand through, like I feel like
it's such a waste of time, but Ilike to look cute, so yeah.
So it's kind of like I do thework.
Amber Rose West (35:01):
Yeah, I like it too, but I'm like the most that
I'll do is like a massage.
I'm like, yes, get my back,because I can't do that.
Like I don't I do.
I want to cut and color my ownhair, I want to do my own nails,
like that kind of thing, right?
So when you start thinking aboutthe and one of the ways that I
found this out is because peoplewere doing self-care and then
coming to me being like I don'tfeel any different and I'm like,
okay, that's because you'redoing self-care that doesn't
(35:22):
care for you.
So what are those things?
Yeah, and so, in realizing that, we have to ask ourselves these
things.
But here's the rub is thatpeople don't like to sit with
themselves.
They don't know how to askthemselves those questions, they
don't know how to developself-awareness through
self-discovery, right.
So they think I'm a crazyperson sitting in my house
(35:43):
talking to myself, asking myselfthese questions, and I'm like,
actually, you're just a personthat, if you think about the
difference between, again,childhood and adulthood, as a
child you always had peopletelling you things this is what
you're gonna wear, this is whereyou're gonna go, this is who
you're gonna meet up with, thisis what you're eating for dinner
and when you're an adult,that's all you, right, that is
all you.
(36:03):
But sometimes people have a hardtime allowing themselves to
have that conversation withthemselves so that they can get
to the answer that previouslythey were told and now they need
to figure out for themselves.
And we do it with things allthe time.
We do it what do you want fordinner?
Right.
And then you can get yourselfthat and you go I want pizza,
great, right.
So now we get to do that withthings that actually help us
(36:24):
with our personal development.
What are some things that Ilike to do that make me happy?
I love crocheting Cool.
Then you're gonna get some yarnand you're gonna make time for
it every day, even if it's fiveminutes.
And then boom, self-care.
It feels so good when I have ablanket done.
I'm like, yee, look at myblanket, like, oh my God.
Zuri (36:41):
That's awesome.
Mike (36:43):
Yeah, mine is read, write, exercise, meditate.
One of them's, for I'm.
Zuri (36:47):
Golden yeah, yeah, and I think that people are honestly a
little afraid of getting toknow themselves.
Amber Rose West (36:57):
Let's go ahead and say a lot of afraid, a lot
of afraid and I think what Iwould really like to see.
Zuri (37:04):
My vision is that we normalize conversations like
this and that we normalize likehey, yeah, it's gonna be scary
as fuck.
Like just, it's gonna be scaryif you find some things there
that you don't like and guesswhat you get to create who you
wanna be Like and normalizeconversations with young people
(37:25):
with.
You know all walks of people.
We need to have these types ofconversations, so thank you for
being a part of this with us.
Amber Rose West (37:34):
Thank you for having me.
It's literally one of myfavorite things in the world is
getting people to a place wherethey feel like they can live
authentically and that they cando it with confidence, and that
whatever dreams they have intheir heart doesn't matter how
big or scary they look.
Just by taking little actionevery day towards building their
self-confidence and then likegoing for it is really what this
(37:55):
life is all about.
We're here to have ourbirthrights fulfilled and that
birthright is a little tinglingin your heart and that little
voice inside your head that'sgoing do it, do it.
Yeah, it's okay to have theseother voices and these other
feelings, but they don't need tostop you.
Zuri (38:11):
And how exciting is it when you get to be in union with
someone like this, where youcan see like, oh, they're lit up
, like they're from their life,and you're like, yes, you know,
it's wonderful to be the personthat's experiencing it, but it's
also like you get to thenreflect that, you get to then be
(38:32):
a mirror, you know, and be like, yeah, I'm living my most
beautiful life and that was oneof the reasons why we wanted to
do the show.
And it's like like there's notgood programming, right.
We started doing it.
So it was like everybody's gotthis fear programming, like wait
a minute, like can we all talkto?
(38:52):
Each other yeah, get empoweredby what we actually have,
instead of looking at what wedon't have.
Yeah, so yeah, I just thank youso much for being a part of
this with us, and is thereanything else you wanna or don't
?
Mike (39:07):
wanna, you know.
I mean I have a plethora ofquestions, but I feel like you
when you develop-.
Amber Rose West (39:12):
Maybe I can come back and you can ask me
again.
Mike (39:15):
If you develop that team program, we're gonna have you
pull you back up and have all ofour listeners be like we have
teams, you can help out.
Amber Rose West (39:23):
I really appreciated being here with the
two of you.
I felt the same way when Ifirst, you know, when I started
my podcast.
It's been three years in themaking now and this was the
first year that I decided toguest on other people's podcasts
, because I love the guests thatI bring onto my show and they
light me up and they inspire meso much.
And one of my friends was, likewhy aren't you on other
people's podcasts?
(39:43):
I'm like I don't know If theywanna know what I have to say.
They can listen to my show andthey're like that's not the
point.
The point is that you get toconnect and collaborate with
people who are sharing, justlike you said, a message of like
empowerment and love andself-confidence, where you're
one voice.
But there are so many differentvoices and we need to start
kind of like pushing out thosevoices of like judgment and
(40:06):
criticism which we find all overthe internet nowadays, and
really start amplifying, likeloudly, these voices of
empowerment and love.
And as I started readingthrough the titles of your
podcast, I was like this is it,this is the one.
So thank you.
I'm glad that we had the mutualfeeling with one another.
Zuri (40:27):
Yeah, it's so beautiful.
Can you tell our empoweredposse how they can find you and
any offers or anything that youwant to share would be a good
time to do that, Sure.
Amber Rose West (40:39):
I am on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, as
at vibrant Amber Rose.
My podcast is called Women ofColor and Confidence.
I do a little bit of talkingabout self-confidence Again, the
inner critics.
We talk a lot about self love,self respect, self acceptance,
as well as interviewing amazingwomen of color as they share
(41:00):
with us stories of developingtheir own self-confidence in
their career, industries andtheir lives.
And I do have an audio guide.
It's a confidence buildingaudio guide up right now that's
called Overpower yourInsecurities.
It's 14 points of confidencebuilding through.
The first half of it is reallytalking about those things that
(41:20):
get in the way of ourself-confidence, so neutralizing
negativity and closing the doorand complaining.
I talk a bit about judgment,comparison, imposter syndrome,
those things that really impactambitious people.
And then, towards the end, wetalk about self care, self
validation and self respect toround it all out, to begin that
confidence journey away frominsecurities.
(41:43):
So I'll be sure to share thelink with that to you.
Zuri (41:45):
Okay, so all of that is gonna be in our show notes and
we'll definitely be promotingthis and tagging you and
lighting you up on social aswell.
So thank you so much, and Iabsolutely love vibrant added to
your name because Dan is aviral.
You are vibrant, okay.
Amber Rose West (42:04):
You know, I got the name.
I used to ask people what.
I asked my friends like what isit about me that makes you
wanna be my friend, or what isit that makes you wanna be
around?
And they, all of them, did youjust have this thing?
And they were doing this withtheir hands and I was like, is
it like a shining?
They're just like you're sovibrant.
And so I finally adopted it.
The name of my company isVibrant Confidence, and
(42:27):
everything about me and who I amhas that vibrancy to it.
So I was like I'm gonna justtake ownership of it because it
just it really is who I am, andI do my best to infuse it again
into topics that can be veryvulnerable and painful to step
into, but that you can also doit with vibrant energy to
develop the self-confidence youwant.
Zuri (42:47):
So it's infectious.
I love it.
Mike (42:52):
So the game is easy.
It's called whose voice is itRight, it's part of recognizing
and knowing whose voice isspeaking at any time.
Zuri (42:59):
Which you can play along, because you've just heard Amber
describe these.
Mike (43:02):
Yes, so we have seven phrases and you must match the
phrase with one of the sevenarchetypes.
Amber Rose West (43:10):
Okay.
Mike (43:11):
Ready.
Okay, so this one.
Here's the phrase I finishedthe book that my editor has been
waiting for over a month, butI'm still not happy with the end
, so I guess I'll rewrite itagain.
Zuri (43:25):
Sounds like a perfectionist.
Mike (43:26):
That does sound like perfectionist, and I've been
there.
Zuri (43:29):
Yeah, I think we all have.
I'm pretty sure it's more thana month that they've been
waiting for it.
Mike (43:33):
Yeah.
Zuri (43:35):
Well, that's kind.
That's not that bad, wasn'tthat in 2020?
Mike (43:43):
All right, so here we go, the next archetype.
This is their phrase I willneed a glass of wine or two to
get this task done.
Zuri (43:52):
Yeah, maybe like the controller with vices, inner
controller strong vices.
Mike (44:04):
Yeah, so basically the voice that needs to control
everything, and in order for itto control, it has to make it
really difficult.
Zuri (44:11):
Yeah, okay, next up.
Mike (44:17):
I know I'm not talented enough to be a writer.
Zuri (44:21):
Wait, is this?
Do they repeat or do I?
Can I not call perfectionistsand inner controller again?
Mike (44:28):
You can.
You know what A lot of thesephrases have the ability to kind
of blend in with one another.
Zuri (44:35):
Okay, so these are like examples that could apply to one
.
Mike (44:37):
Exactly.
Zuri (44:38):
Okay.
Well then I'm gonna say underminor Okay.
Self-confidence.
Mike (44:42):
That is what I have in my little notes here.
So I think you and I are vibingon the same plane here.
Zuri (44:48):
You know, we always do.
Mike (44:49):
All right, so this next one is gonna be a little bit
more difficult.
All right, here we go.
Zuri (44:53):
Wait in parapasi.
Are you playing along and howare you doing?
Let us know, yes.
Mike (44:59):
Next phrase is okay.
I've processed all of the bills, folded all the laundry, mowed
the lawn and finished organizingthe garage.
I'm exhausted, but I need toget working on my project so
that I don't fall behind.
Zuri (45:16):
I think this is probably task master.
Let me say that 10 times taskmaster, Because you always have
to be doing something.
Like there's no such thing asjust rest, Like rest is not
valid or appreciated ornecessary.
Mike (45:33):
And what do you think?
One of the possible outcomes ofthat lifestyle is Burnout,
honey burnout, burnout, burnoutis no joke.
Zuri (45:42):
Yeah, I got the t-shirt.
I don't recommend it.
Mike (45:46):
Here's an inner voice that I know quite well, and they see
if you can guess it by thisphrase I should stop painting
and get a job, because they putme through college and I'll need
to take care of my parents whenthey get old.
Zuri (46:00):
Maybe like you've had dominating parents, maybe like
guilt tripper.
Mike (46:06):
The guilt tripper.
Ooh, the guilt tripper.
You know when you're in aposition where you really,
really have dreams, but yourdreams have to be put on the
back burner because you have todo something for someone else.
Zuri (46:19):
Right.
Mike (46:20):
You're always inclined to do something for someone else
before you handle yourself.
Zuri (46:24):
And that inner critic is always running you down.
Yeah, okay.
Mike (46:29):
All right.
Next phrase I'm interested inbecoming a firefighter, but my
dad is a teacher, my brother's ateacher, my aunt is a teacher,
so I guess I'll be a teacher sothat I can be part of the family
.
Zuri (46:41):
That one's kind of guilt tripper too.
But I'm gonna say likeConformer, ooh Zuri, you're
doing pretty good.
I was like it's not destroyer.
What's next?
Conformer.
Mike (46:56):
I think I really did a good job at this game.
You know that, or you'resmarter than I thought you were,
honey.
What's the problem with theConformer we?
Zuri (47:04):
know Zuri has a big old brain.
So come on, don't play thegames with me.
I mean, let's play gamesforever because I love this, but
that banter was unnecessary.
Mike (47:15):
Indeed, but what do you think the possible outcome for
is?
For the conformer?
Zuri (47:21):
I think they just live someone else's life.
They just conform and end uplike, oh, I had this dream I put
in a box and never get out ofit.
Mike (47:34):
I always think conformity is the antinom of passion.
So if you are born with allthese passions and you have all
the stuff that you want to dobut you just don't do them
because you're afraid not to fitin with your family, then
you're going to live a long,passionless life and let me tell
you, that's not going to bepainful but pleasurable.
Zuri (47:56):
Yeah, and what happens is that you have to push through
every day versus being pulledfrom your passion every day.
Mike (48:04):
That is correct.
Zuri (48:05):
And what happens when you push from the perspective of the
universe, it will push back onyou.
So it's where you createdisease, it's where you create
unnecessary dramas, resistance,chaos, and it's where you
usually develop some type of anaddiction just to help you get
through the push.
Mike (48:25):
Yeah, it's like pushing a boulder up a hill.
Literally it's the beginning ofthe end.
The more you try to conform,the less happy you are, and then
you start to deteriorate.
Zuri (48:37):
And you lose yourself.
Yeah, you just lose youroriginal spark and joy for life.
Mike (48:43):
And if that resonates, you always have the now to change
it.
Yep.
Zuri (48:49):
Every moment is an opportunity to turn it all
around.
That's a vanilla sky.
And then a moment to the movies.
Mike (48:54):
All right, so this last one is going to be easy because
there's only one archetype left,but I'm going to say it anyways
.
The phrase is I'm a failurebecause no one loves me, no one
respects me and no one needs orwants me.
Zuri (49:09):
Definitely Oscar the Grouch, which is your destroyer.
Mike (49:13):
Destroyer man that intercredits.
Basically he doesn't messaround, he's going for the
foundation of you.
He's going to kneecap you.
He's going to put you.
You know.
Zuri (49:21):
He's destroying you Exactly yeah.
Mike (49:23):
Giving you a pair of cement shoes.
Let's go for a swim Like nothanks bro.
Zuri (49:30):
Always say no to that, yeah, okay.
Well, let's do our question ofthe week.
Good game, mikey, by the way.
Thank you.
What inner critic is loudestfor you?
Question of the week Again,what inner critic is loudest for
you?
Once you identify that, thenyou can be the one that's
slaying and not be slain.
Mike (49:50):
Do you want to answer that question?
Zuri (49:52):
Definitely perfectionist.
I always talk about this on ourshow.
I am very self-aware that theperfectionist is loud as fuck.
Mike (50:01):
What's her name or his name?
Zuri (50:03):
You know what?
I didn't name her.
She used to have a name, but Islayed that version of her.
Now she's a lot less crazy,she's a little bit more like.
Every once in a while, if Iburn out, or as I'm in the
burnout process, she gets loudno-transcript.
I would say Taskmaster isalways like in tow with
(50:27):
perfectionists.
That's like you gotta do all ofthese things and you do, do, do
, do, do, do.
And so I don't have a name foreither of them because I'm
constantly, you know, becoming anew version of myself.
So what about you?
Mike (50:39):
I know you already said Oscars, yeah, the destroyer is
mine, but actually theunderminer has bested me on a
couple of my decisions in thepast.
Not so much in the future, inthe current, but in the past.
I've seen a couple of timeswhere I'm like I should have
just finished that project.
Or I should have said yes tothat opportunity.
(51:01):
I should have just stood up formyself, and instead I learned a
lesson the hard way.
Zuri (51:09):
All right.
Well, our review of the weekcomes from K-Dub Crafty.
What's up she says, worth itfive stars.
This podcast is chock full ofeverything you could hope for.
I am hooked and we are soexcited you're here with us.
Thank you for being animportant, valuable player in
(51:29):
our empowered posse.
Indeed, we absolutely love you.
Thank you for leaving reviews.
They actually do help.
I know if you're listening tous on Spotify it's not an option
, but on Apple podcasts you canleave us a review Super easy.
We even leave you a littletutorial of how to do it in our
show notes.
Mike (51:49):
Let me tell you, a review is like giving someone spiritual
currency.
A review is like a goldspiritual coin.
Here you go and you're like ohmy god, thank you, thank you.
Zuri (52:02):
Yeah, we love them and we're grateful for them.
And thank you for taking thetime to actually do a review.
I know we're all busy, but weappreciate you.
Thank you, sending you thehighest vibrations.
Mike (52:14):
You are held.
Zuri (52:15):
You are loved.
Thanks for being an importantmember of our empowered posse.
Want next level access to theempowerment couple.
Mike (52:23):
Explore our private and group coaching services to get
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Zuri (52:35):
We intentionally keep this show ad-free so you can have a
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As long as you keep supportingthe show, we can keep showing up
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Mike (52:50):
If you're inspired to serve love in return, leave us a
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Zuri (52:56):
We love you, sending you the highest vibrations.
Mike (53:01):
You are held, you taking mine.
He, he, he, he, he.
You need to, you need to bereprimanded.
Oh shit, from scratch and andonesie.
Zuri (53:19):
Ok, seriously, though, jeez.
Ok, don't try to make me laugh.
Mike (53:25):
So simple.
Zuri (53:28):
Oh boy Boy, you playing games.
Mike (53:30):
Sign off.
Take 132.
Zuri (53:32):
You playing games, my mind is playing games.
The inner critic is like girl,pull it together, she's so good
at that.
They're the bitches.
Mike (53:40):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
You are held.
You are limited.
Zuri (53:44):
Oh, dang it OK.
Peace, muffin out, bye.
Oh, I think we're gonna do banter first.
Just look at me like okay, go.
Zuri (00:04):
Okay, ready, Ready go.
And the one and the one's in aTuzi.
That might be a whole entireseason.
Welcome to season five and aonesie Tuzi.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple podcast, where your path
to self mastery expands.
Mike (00:23):
My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.
Zuri (00:26):
And he's expansion coach Mikey Starr.
Mike (00:28):
Together, we are the Empowerment Couple.
Zuri (00:31):
Our mission is simple to serve you love, so you can make
informed decisions to regain andmaintain your personal power.
Mike (00:37):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Zuri (00:49):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Mike (00:55):
Each episode is an exciting blend of education,
entertainment and empowerment.
Zuri (01:00):
Designed to help you create a mindset to be a magnet
for more love, happiness andabundance.
Mike (01:06):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
co-create your most beautifullife.
Zuri (01:14):
So if you're ready to embrace the power within, hit
that subscribe button and let'sembark on this empowering
journey together.
Mike (01:23):
Well, all I know is that one of the biggest challenges
that we face on the road tosuccess and happiness is
managing what Our mindset.
And beliefs, exactly mindsetsSpeaking the same language
you're having Like mmm.
And I feel like the bulk sum ofthe Empowerment Couple podcasts
(01:43):
are focused on managing ourmindset through movement, diet
habits and healthy practices.
Right, yeah.
And while the value of positivehabits are undeniable, for some
reason some of us still tend tofall back into negative habits.
Zuri (01:58):
We sometimes don't practice what we preach either.
Right A little smuggy butt andwe cross over into destructive
thought patterns that we knowdon't serve us.
But why is that?
Are we somehow tethered to thisold version of ourselves and
despite how much we try, we justcan't outrun our own faults?
(02:19):
To properly answer thesequestions, we realized that we
needed to go deeper and diveinto how to better converse with
the spokesperson of our pain,our own inner critic.
Mike (02:34):
Oh, not that character.
Well, we connected with AmberRose West, who shared with us
her journey in managing her owninner critic and how she was
able to transmute her pain intopassion.
And during this interview wediscussed, you know, the seven
archetypes that we all have andhow and why they serve us or
(02:56):
sabotages.
Zuri (02:57):
Right.
The fact of the matter is thatwe all have an inner critic.
A large part of our personaland professional evolution is to
learn how to recognize theseseven archetypes without
identifying with them.
Mike (03:12):
Critical.
Zuri (03:13):
So, so, so important.
I mean let me just say it againlike to recognize them without
becoming them Exactly Right.
The trick is to know which oneis speaking the loudest and to
know the role they play in ourdevelopment.
If we spend too long listeningto the wrong voice, we can find
(03:34):
ourselves sprinting in thewrong-ass direction.
Mike (03:38):
I've been there.
Mm-hmm and in order to becomethe best version of ourselves,
we must know and understand theworst version of ourselves,
right?
So we got to see our dichotomy,and when we begin to master our
emotions, our confidence growswe are more creative, we're more
patient, we're moreunderstanding and we are better
able to give and receive love,which is the ultimate goal.
Zuri (04:02):
Yeah, right, exactly.
Well, let's introduce ouramazing guest, amber Rose West.
She is the creator and host ofthe Women of Color of Confidence
podcast and she works as aconfidence coach for women
entrepreneurs.
Amber Rose works with teachers,coaches and creatives, helping
them reprogram their self-talkto minimize inner critics',
(04:24):
perfectionism and comparison sothey can cultivate a stronger,
more confident speaking voice.
So bring it on, amber.
We need you.
Mike (04:34):
So let's get them flexed and just do this.
Zuri (04:38):
Yay, welcome to the Empowerment Couple podcast.
We have Amber Rose here with ustoday, who we just told you all
about.
Mike (04:45):
Hello Amber, how are you?
Amber Rose West (04:46):
Hello, thank you for having me.
I'm great, I'm excited to behere.
Zuri (04:50):
We are so excited that you're here.
When we came across you, wewere like oh my gosh, she has to
be on the show.
This is the exact type of voicethat we want to amplify, and
it's so needed and so missing inour society and our culture.
Most of our listeners are fromthe US, but we do have worldwide
(05:10):
listeners.
And, yeah, just from my heartto yours, I'm so thrilled you're
here.
Amber Rose West (05:17):
Oh well, thank you, I really appreciate that,
and I you know not to toot myown horn, but I definitely agree
, like a lot of the things thatwe talk about around self-love
and self-respect.
They're so needed in so manydifferent parts of the world
with so many different people,and so it's one of the reasons
that I went into this field andwhy I'm so passionate about
continuing this work, so thankyou for that.
Zuri (05:37):
Yeah, and we are really we magnetized to passionate people
.
We're very passionate and so Ifeel like when these things
happen, it's just like the starsare lighting.
It's very synchronicity,synchronicity.
Yeah, so I want to start withthe first question, dive right
in.
Mike (05:55):
I do, okay, so very first questions.
Nice and easy.
What is the number one reasonwhy we give so much power to our
inner critic?
Amber Rose West (06:06):
That's a really good question, and I love
talking about inner critics, soif I get a little nerdy here,
just excuse me, because I thinkit's a topic that there's so
much more to explore in it anditself.
But one of the reasons I thinkthe inner critics have so much
power it's because they'redeveloped when we're children,
when we're young, and so they'rewith us for a very long time
(06:28):
and over the amount of time fromthe point that they start
developing to where we actuallyrecognize that they're impacting
our lives in a way that wedon't want them to be impacting
our lives.
They've been with us for solong that they begin to sound
like us, right.
They begin to like blend intoour own voices, and so then it
becomes really difficult toseparate what is my voice and
(06:51):
what is my truth and what is myhonesty here.
And what is this inner criticthat, in one sense, is trying to
keep me safe, but also is doingit in a really, really crappy
way, right?
And then the second part of thisis that there are seven
different inner criticarchetypes, and so when we start
to see like, okay, I have thisinner critic that's inside of my
head that is stopping me fromdoing the things that I want to
(07:14):
be doing or feeling good aboutmyself, following my dreams,
there are seven differentarchetypes that can become
folded into that one voice.
So, while we're thinking it'sonly one inner critic, it's
actually these could be up toseven of these different voices
that are all kind of molded intoone, which is why I feel so
(07:35):
loud.
Sometimes, right, it's comingat us from all these different
directions.
We have the perfectionist, wehave the controller, we have
this conformer, we have thisdestroyer, and all of a sudden
they're all together and sothey're just booming and they're
super loud and it's like how doyou talk louder than seven
different voices that arepounding inside of your head?
Zuri (07:57):
Yeah, that is so good.
So you want to name the sevenfor our empowered policies, the
name of our tribe that listensto us?
Oh my gosh, I love that.
Yeah, do you want to list thoseout for us?
Amber Rose West (08:09):
Yeah.
So we have the perfectionist,which I think a lot of us tend
to know just from yeah, me too,I have the perfectionist.
We have the inner controller,which tends to be for those who
have, when they have reallystrong vices, you know, like
shopping or eating or drinking.
Inner controller is that innercritic that comes and makes you
(08:29):
feel bad for those things butthen also tells you to keep
doing those things because ofthe things that, yeah, this,
like this vicious cycle.
We have the under miner.
It's the inner critic thatlikes to tell you that you don't
know anything like you don't.
You don't have any selfconfidence and you really
shouldn't, because you know whywould you kind of thing?
Who do you think you are kindof it?
We have the task master.
Those of us who are ambitiousand determined, the task master
(08:54):
seems to be a very common innercritic, because it always makes
you feel like you have to bedoing something in order to
reach the goal that you want tobe reaching, but then when you
go to rest which is also a partof what you need to do to get to
where you want to be it's like,hey, you should be writing.
Hey, you should be networkinghey, you should be posting
content.
So it likes to criticize thework that you do and then
criticize you for not doing thatwork.
(09:15):
Also, we have the guilt tripperwhat tends to be the inner
critic that comes along if youhad very dominating parents or
adults in your childhood thatmade you feel like you know you
have to do things a certain wayand if you don't do them that
way, then you're not going to besuccessful or you could be in
danger, right?
So when you start going outsideof things that you've been
(09:38):
taught or exploring, it likes topull you back in under the gaze
of guilt.
Then we have the conformer,which tends to come from people
that were put inside of a boxwhen they were younger and every
time they tried to get out ofthat box, it was like you're
gonna die.
This is the worst thing youcould ever possibly do.
We don't ever do that again.
(09:58):
So every time you try to dosomething new, you try to evolve
, try again, try to explore.
It doesn't use guilt, but ituses these values that you've
built up for yourself, based onthe values that you were given
to children.
And then we have the destroyer,which tends to be I think of it
as like the nemesis of all selfconfidence, but it definitely.
(10:18):
It comes in and basicallydestroys who you are on a
fundamental level.
One of the best examples that Ihave of the destroyers.
I used to work with a woman whoran a nonprofit and she was
helping women get out ofsituations where they were being
abused or mistreated.
She had a fund going, she hadall this community support.
She was known up and down thestate and one day she came into
(10:39):
our group and she told us thatshe felt like a garbage person.
I was like why was that?
She's like I don't know.
I just wake up some days andI'm like you're garbage, you're
nothing.
And I was like that is thedestroyer.
That's not you, because youknow all of us don't think that
about you.
But your destroyer, inner critic, is coming in to like pull you
down by the essence of yourbeing, to say you're, you're
(11:01):
nothing, and why are you evenhere?
And you think you're doing agood job, but no.
So those are the seven innercritic archetypes and you can
imagine if you have one or two,you're like I can pinpoint that,
but imagine if you had allseven and then they're coming at
you as this like booming innercritic voice.
You think it's one.
And now you're like, okay, I'mgoing to try to work on this
(11:22):
voice, but you don't know whereto start.
You don't know which archetypesyou have or how to address each
one, so it feels sooverwhelming because you can't
figure out where to start.
And then you're like, forget it, it's just too powerful, I
can't do it Right.
Once you start to learn thecharacteristics of each one,
then you can face each one, andyou may not even have all of
them, but, like the ones you dohave, you can address them
directly and start breaking themdown.
Mike (11:45):
Now I like what you said in regards to that.
A lot of these voices arelearned responses.
You pick them up as you'recutting your way through
childhood and by the time youget to adulthood, you've
identified with that voice.
And the problem is is that onceyou've identified it, you with
(12:06):
that voice, you don't know thatyou cannot identify it.
You think it's just you, it'syour face in the mirror it's
your voice in your head, andthen I wanted to just to state
that while you were talkingabout that seventh, archetype my
destroyer comes in so often Ihad to give it a name.
Amber Rose West (12:29):
Yeah, what's your destroyer's name?
Mike (12:32):
Oscar, oscar, yeah, he's nuts.
So when you said that seventh,I'm like, oh, there's your face,
I was like you know that one.
Zuri (12:45):
Hold it together so you could stay, like with your list,
and I was like I can relate somany of those things, and
certainly I was kind of likecutting eyes at Mike, because I
was like, um, yeah, you know myfamily, I know your family and
you know there's so much thatall of us have this.
All of us are are struggling,you know, or really suffering if
(13:07):
we haven't figured out how toovercome.
So when we have discussionslike this, I'm so excited to
bring awareness to these thingsthat are happening inside of us.
Everyone not me, not just you,not just Mike, like everyone is
is dealing with this.
Yeah, and so it's nice to knowyou're not alone, and it's also
(13:31):
nice to know what you can doabout it, and this is definitely
a solutions podcast.
So we're always looking for,like, how can we give as much
empowerment away to our audienceso that they can live a
beautiful life?
Yeah, what did you have?
Another question I don't wantto step on your toes.
Mike (13:50):
I don't have another question as of yet, aside from
the obvious one is how did youstumble into this information?
I mean this the inner criticsthe inner critics.
And how did you, how did youdecide to, to, to make it a
passion of yours to, todismantle these and master them
so that they're they're toolsthat you can use versus you know
(14:15):
the person who's holding thethe chain?
Amber Rose West (14:17):
Yeah, that's a great question.
I started out in a place whereI was.
I learned about impostersyndrome really early on because
I started one of my firstbusinesses when I was still in
college and I had the experienceof watching my first week.
You know, you do all theplanning of the business and
then you start the business.
In that first couple of weeksit's very slow starting and I
(14:38):
don't think that I set myself upfor understanding that, and I
had a partner at the time so Iwas freaking out.
He's cool as a cucumber and I'mlike, how are you not freaking
out?
And he's like why are youfreaking out so much?
And so, of course, I went tothe internet and my degree is in
health communication and so Idid a lot of science studies in
(14:59):
college, did a lot of researchstudies, analysis of research,
and that's where I was like, inthat, as I was starting my first
business, I was like there'sgot to be something on the
internet or some researchsomewhere that will tell me why
I'm freaking out so much.
And that's where I stumbledupon imposter syndrome.
Right, even though you have allthese accomplishments, you're
looking at something that you'redoing and you're like I'm crazy
(15:19):
, why did I do this?
Why did I think that I could dothis?
This is not.
I could never be successful atthis, right.
As I started learning more aboutimposter syndrome and the
research that started back inthe 70s I was looking through,
there hasn't been a lot moreresearch done on imposter
syndrome, which is reallyunfortunate, and maybe I'll do
it someday.
But as I was looking throughwhat had already been done there
(15:42):
, it's such a minimal scope ofresearch with a very small
population size that women likeme were not included in back in
the 70s, right.
So then it was like there hasto be more included in this and
as I started digging more andmore and more the inner, the
word inner critic kept coming upa lot, a lot, a lot.
So it was like, maybe insteadof looking at this you know,
(16:02):
imposter phenomenon, impostersyndrome I should be looking at
inner critics and what that hasto do with feeling like an
imposter, because a critic andimposter they kind of sound like
they go together and that'swhere the diving super deep into
inner critic started and thedevelopment of imposter syndrome
and your inner critic startsaround the same time in that
early development when you'rereally trying to figure out who
(16:25):
you are, how to express yourself, what's constantly being told
to you and at you?
This is how you behave, this iswhat you say, this is what you
don't say, this is what you wear, this is what you don't wear.
These are the people you talkto, these are people you don't
talk to, right?
You're constantly being toldwhat to do and who to be, and
from that, which I found to be,I think the like the word that,
(16:45):
like always comes to mind islike it felt a little
disheartening because it almostfelt like it was uncontrollable.
But I was like, okay, that yourinner critic comes from all that
information and there is, likeyou said, to identify with it so
hard.
Like, how do you unidentifywith it when you don't have
those people all the timeconstantly telling you where to
(17:06):
go, not go, who to be, not be?
You know, like I don't nolonger have that external voice,
so the only voice left is theone that was created from
previously, when people weregiving me all that information,
right?
And then I tried to think of itin terms of a relationship,
right, which is what kind ofrelationship do I want to have
with the voice inside of my headand how is it that I can make
(17:30):
it go from being a critic tobeing someone that I'm like BFFs
with, because, at the end ofthe day, that critic isn't going
to help me get to where I wantto be, but that BFF will, and I
know that right.
And so, without this, thesevoices from my parents and my
coaches and my teachers I had tobe that voice and I got that
(17:50):
external voice from the researchand the books and just
continuing to look at differentstudies that have been done
specifically with inner criticsand even breaking down each
inner critic.
So I looked at research studiesthat had to do with
perfectionism and ambitiouswomen.
I looked at research that hadto do with people who left their
conformed communities, researchthat looked at how is it that
(18:13):
you go from being go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
, go people please are all thetime To finding balance and rest
and self care, right?
So those individual innercritics each have their own
research to do inside of themand I don't know if you can tell
, but that's where the rabbitholes started, like if you pick
one.
Zuri (18:30):
It started with imposter syndrome, right and just real
quick.
Could you give us a definitionof what that means to you and
your field?
Oh, there's a lot of peopleonline that use it.
I feel in a way that doesn'treally mean sense.
You know it doesn't make senseit's not exactly how it was
(18:52):
intended to be used, and I hearit thrown around so much that I
think it would be great to hear.
Mike (18:58):
That's almost weaponized yeah.
Amber Rose West (18:59):
Exactly.
That's good.
So originally in the 1970s,with researchers Keynes and I
they did studies but they calledit imposter phenomenon and it
wasn't called imposter syndrome.
It was called a phenomenon,just something that you
experience, versus somethingthat makes you sick.
So I really like to start therewhen I'm explaining what
imposter syndrome is, because Idon't believe that it makes any
(19:22):
of us ill or any of us sick.
I believe it's an experience, afeeling that we have experience
in a particular environment oraround people or in situations.
When you look at it from thatperspective, it's different than
again taking ownership of I'man imposter and instead saying
I'm having this feeling of likenon belonging Right, this idea
(19:43):
that I don't belong in thisparticular situation.
And these are all of thereasons why I believe that when
we look at this non belonging,it also leads back to Our human
nature of wanting to be accepted, wanting to have belonging, and
I believe the phenomenon is allthose things we tell ourselves
that separates us from thatbelonging or that self
(20:05):
acceptance.
So when people come to me orthey read my things, I do use
the word imposter syndromebecause I feel like people
understand it.
And then when they get inside aroom with me.
I'm like, haha, I'm going totell you the truth.
Yeah, you both went with thebuzzword and then they're like
actually did you, but actuallylet me tell you what it really
is, and I think you know, I feel, I feel really deeply in my
(20:26):
heart for people who experienceimposter syndrome, especially
because it's become such abuzzword that now people are
saying you don't have that,that's not real, and I'm like
but people do have it and peopledo experience it.
So, instead of telling someonethat's not real, ignore that.
How about saying I understandwhat you're feeling, but let's
look at all of the things insideof this that separate you from
(20:48):
acceptance and belonging,because that's truly what's
happening here.
Not that you're a fake orsomeone's going to find you out,
or you didn't work hard enoughto get to where you are.
Ok, those are all things insideof it, but the root of all of
it is this this I'm separatedfrom longing belonging and I'm
separated from acceptance.
Zuri (21:06):
Yeah, wow.
Mike (21:08):
There's so much heat coming out of your words.
I mean, I appreciate the factthat you were able to take pain
and transmute it into medicine.
You know, transmute it intosomething that can be handed out
for people who are goingthrough the same pains that you
were going through with, youknow, and have it be a source of
(21:31):
medicine, a guide point sort ofspeak.
So you know, you kind of you'rethe epitome of what our
empowered posse is.
You know it's people who are upagainst their own personal
challenges and all they'rewanting to do is transmute that
and become a bigger version ofthemselves, as you did.
So I'm going to move on to thenext question.
Amber Rose West (21:52):
I appreciate that.
Thank you.
Zuri (21:54):
Yeah, I want to just echo that that it's exactly why I was
immediately drawn to Amber,because I was like, oh gosh,
like we just had this experience, and then I'll get into a
question.
But we just had this experiencewith our teen daughter who had
this play, and then there was afeedback from the audience and
all of the plays that were selfwritten were about basically not
(22:17):
knowing how to manage yourmindset.
You know, teens are strugglingwith, with mental health, and I
was like gosh, if I could justget up there and tell them like
hey, like you're not alone, evenadults, this is how we are
programmed, this is how we arewired.
This is part of being a human,and having the human experience
is that you're going to have toknow how to master your mindset.
(22:40):
And obviously there wasn't anopportunity to go to each person
in the audience and each actorand you know, give them my
empowered speech, yeah, but butI think, to echo what you said,
it's just like I want to makesure that we amplify voices like
Amber so that we are alwayscoming forward with not just
(23:02):
like theory, but like theirscience, their studies there's
and and are you living inempowered life now that you have
all of this knowledge?
Amber Rose West (23:13):
Yeah, I really am, and when I first started on
the research route it was kindof unsexy.
You know, when you're like, hey, let me look at this research
study and comb through all thesewords and data sets and all
that stuff and I know thatthat's not something that
everyone is educated enough todo and I totally understand that
.
It's also really boringsometimes and you're like
weeding through research part.
(23:34):
That was part of my journey.
Right, that was a part that,the part of the journey that
made sense to me and made mefeel good about what I was
reading, that I wasn't justlooking at things on Wikipedia
and Google and like trustingwhat random people on the
internet were saying.
Right, and I think that that'sa big part of our next
generation's empowerment journeyas well.
(23:55):
And I've had so many people whohave asked me like, do you have
a like a teenager program?
You know, because I I work withmostly adult women who are like
in in an industry and I said Iwould really love to have one.
I would.
But I also know that there's ahuge component of social media
research that needs to go intothat program to adequately
(24:17):
address the differences betweenmy generation and maybe all
generation and the growing upnow glued to social media.
I didn't have social media tillI was in college, where my
formation of what was happeningin my brain and my thoughts and
who I was developing into wasalready kind of not set is
nothing set, but it was like Ihad already done all of that
(24:38):
without the pressure of a globallike.
I had my bullies in school andI had the people in my classes
that I looked up to and you knowthe.
I mean, I was a jock also.
I played a ton of sports.
So we know, I was a captainmost of my teams, but also like
other teams and I was looking atlike, oh my gosh, I don't want
to be like them, you know.
But now this next generation hasthis, the pressure of social
(25:00):
media that is so much biggerthan what I had, and so, as much
as I would love to do that, Iknow that there's a
responsibility there to includea lot of that stuff which I
still research a lot of todayand hopefully one day I'll have
that teenagers program.
But you're right, you know that.
You know 85% of the world dealswith feelings of not feeling
(25:21):
adequate or worthless or havingno self respect or little self
respect, and that 15% are thepeople that were like I don't
want to live like that anymore.
Right, I tell my people time Iwant you to be a part of the 15%
, because it's it means thatit's possible, it means that
you're not alone, but it alsomeans that it's possible, right.
Zuri (25:39):
I had one more question for you.
What do you think would be thetop three ways that anyone can
retrain their mind to operatefrom a place of self, love, self
?
Amber Rose West (25:52):
love.
So one of the things that Ilearned early on, this would be
number one, the thing that Ilearned early on that took me
years to understand, because Icame from a very like spiritual
and yoga community that was likeeverything in positive,
everything in positive, and so Ikept trying to Okay, more self
(26:13):
love, more self love.
Okay, more self love.
And it wasn't until years laterthat I realized that that self
love wasn't sticking because Ihadn't stopped hating on myself
all the time.
I was constantly hating onmyself and so I had to say, like
, stop hating on yourself allthe time, from these little
micro aggressions to these big,larger, like banging my head
(26:36):
against the wall, kind of likethis self hate that I had.
And all my friends were likeyou shouldn't say stop and you
shouldn't say hate.
And I was like, well, tellingme to put more self love into it
isn't the same as stopping thehate?
Right, and like, if you imagine, like two doors to one room and
one of them is wide open andone of them just like a little
bit open and there's waterrushing into the room, right,
(27:00):
and I was like, okay, well, likeI can't, like I need to stop
the rush coming from this doorto shut the door so that, like
this, one can open and rush morewater into it, right?
And so the concept of learninghow to stop hating on myself all
the time was a real journey,and I really had to focus on how
much it was I was doing it inorder to stop it from the little
(27:21):
things.
Like you know, I would make ameal for my friends and they'd
be like this is really like, ohno, it's just some like stuff I
had in the room, whatever it is,and they were like okay, you
know, it's like, why am I likenot accepting this compliment
right now?
It's so silly that I would putmyself down and the process of
saying they're enjoyingsomething that I made for them
(27:41):
right to like the larger, biggerthings.
Like you know you make amistake, or you spend money on
something that you know didn'tgo well, or you know investing
in something and you know youget into a car accident.
You're like I'm an idiot, I'mso dumb, and you're like banging
your head against the wall andthey're like why?
Why can't it just be somethingthat happened or a mistake that
you made, right?
So, first and foremost, I thinkthat being able to love
(28:03):
yourself more comes like afteryou're able to shut the door on
on the hate, all the self hate,all the time.
Secondly, I believe this selflove, it's so complicated, it's
so involved, right, when we talkabout self love, love is one of
(28:24):
those emotions that I believewe obviously, we all think about
it in different capacities.
But you know, going back to thisconcept of us understanding
things, from our childhooddevelopment, we all got love in
a different way from differentpeople.
And if you know, like me, I hada very absent father who just
showed up, you know, once everycouple of years to say that he
(28:46):
saw us.
You know, to tell other peopleoh yeah, I saw them, you know, I
saw them, but there was neverreally a love or connection
dynamic there.
And I remember when I became ateenager, I asked my mom why,
like, why would you have kids ifyou're not going to be around
them?
And she just said he loved youthe best that he could, right.
And so from that moment I justthought that, like love, you
(29:07):
know, the best that you candoesn't necessarily mean the
best that I deserve, right.
And you learn those things fromtheir people.
So you have all these differentpeople in your past that love
you in different ways, and thenyou translate that into what
love is or isn't in your life,and then you turn around as an
adult and you start putting loveout in that way.
And if you don't learn how todo it and any differently, and
(29:28):
then that's just like themessage of love that you have
that translates through you outinto the world, right.
And so it gets really confusingwhen you realize that how you
were loved is not the way thatother people were loved, or that
you can learn how to love adifferent way, right.
So it's so complicated and so,like before, you focus on self
love.
If you focus on self acceptance, that will allow you to I don't
(29:53):
want to say automatically,because nothing is automatic in
the world, but it's like if youfocus, focus, focus on self love
, self love, self love, and it'svery complicated for you.
It can kind of boulder up ahill, but when you start
focusing on self acceptance,then it feels like you're
kicking a pebble up that hill ofself love, because they tend to
feed off of each other and theidea of self love becomes like
(30:16):
more intertwined with selfacceptance, and so you have this
symbiotic relationship betweenthe two that allow self love to
be easier because you'vemastered this feeling of self
acceptance.
And then, third is really I mean, self love really comes from,
you know, overpowering yourinsecurities, right,
understanding what it is thatkeeps you separated from self
(30:39):
love, and the same with selfconfidence, right, I feel like
self love, self confidence, selfrespect, self worth they all
kind of go together.
So if you're trying to build upall of those things, but you
have these insecurities that arein the way, if you do not, do
not understand what they are,how they're impacting you and
how to manage them, like selflove can't exist in that
(31:03):
environment.
Right, self love and selfrespect and self confidence
can't exist in the sameenvironment where your
insecurities are running rampant.
So, really understanding whatyours are, because they're, just
like self confidence, verypersonalized to who you are as a
person what makes me feel selfconfident may not make you feel
self confident, and so we haveto understand, okay, well, what
(31:26):
are my insecurities that I needto understand, that I need to
overpower, that, I need to learnhow to manage so that they are
a minimal part of my experienceand minimal part of my mental,
emotional space, and that leavesmore space for self confidence
and self love and selfvalidation to start like
(31:46):
blooming and thriving in yourhead, in your heart.
Mike (31:51):
Hey man sister, yes, yes, I love that, I love that, I love
that.
Zuri (31:55):
Yeah, yeah, I feel.
One reflection I just want toshare back with you is that I
feel like a lot of times on ourshow we share how important it
is to get to know yourself,because what we say and we try
to say it in multiple differentways, but what we say about self
(32:17):
love might be different, whatwe say about your self care
might be different.
I mean, you can't speak toeveryone.
We're all so unique and so youknow, and only available to
certain ideas.
You know, because that's wherewe're at at the time and I feel
like with self awareness, thenyou can approach all of these
(32:39):
things, especially even likeinner critic.
I'm sure there's peoplelistening, of course, empowered
posse, let us know if you agree,but I'm sure there's people
listening.
That's like, oh, I only havethree of those things that she
was talking about inside of mebecause they haven't done the
work to figure out.
Like you know, let me be honestwith myself.
(33:02):
Let me explore what happened inmy childhood.
Let me explore what happened inmy family or what's
generationally been happening.
You know, like that's a hugething.
Mike and I are both cyclebreakers and so we, you know,
have broken down a lot ofgenerational bullshit and I mean
in so many ways.
But we've done shows about it.
(33:24):
But the point is that if peopleeverything that you said means
like you got to that placebecause you did the work, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
Amber Rose West (33:36):
And I really appreciate you pointing out that
the you know individual listexcited of self care as well,
and I do believe that part ofthe reason people stop doing the
work whether it's self-care,self-love, self-acceptance,
self-building, yourself-confidence is because it
does require that tapping in towhat.
(33:56):
Let's talk about self-carespecifically real quick, because
I think it is very important.
But I tell all my clients whatdo you do for self-care?
And they tell me and I say,where did you find those things?
And they said the internet.
When I googled it and I said,okay, and those are okay things
to explore.
But what if, instead of going toGoogle first, you said, hey,
amber Rose, what are some thingsthat you could do that make you
(34:19):
feel cared for?
And those things come from?
Well, what are some things Ilike to do?
What are some things thatliterally put a smile on my face
?
What are some things that giveme worm fuzzies?
I know people talk aboutmani-pedis as this like ultimate
self-care type of thing and I'mlike I hate when people touch
my fingernails, get off of myhands, get away from me.
(34:40):
I will trim and cut.
I love to be groomed, but Ilove to groom myself.
Right.
I don't want someone else doingit, right?
Zuri (34:46):
So then, I was like I love when I'm groomed, but I do not
enjoy the process of a salon ormani-pedi.
No, I'm like a tomboy throughand through, like I feel like
it's such a waste of time, but Ilike to look cute, so yeah.
So it's kind of like I do thework.
Amber Rose West (35:01):
Yeah, I like it too, but I'm like the most that
I'll do is like a massage.
I'm like, yes, get my back,because I can't do that.
Like I don't I do.
I want to cut and color my ownhair, I want to do my own nails,
like that kind of thing, right?
So when you start thinking aboutthe and one of the ways that I
found this out is because peoplewere doing self-care and then
coming to me being like I don'tfeel any different and I'm like,
okay, that's because you'redoing self-care that doesn't
(35:22):
care for you.
So what are those things?
Yeah, and so, in realizing that, we have to ask ourselves these
things.
But here's the rub is thatpeople don't like to sit with
themselves.
They don't know how to askthemselves those questions, they
don't know how to developself-awareness through
self-discovery, right.
So they think I'm a crazyperson sitting in my house
(35:43):
talking to myself, asking myselfthese questions, and I'm like,
actually, you're just a personthat, if you think about the
difference between, again,childhood and adulthood, as a
child you always had peopletelling you things this is what
you're gonna wear, this is whereyou're gonna go, this is who
you're gonna meet up with, thisis what you're eating for dinner
and when you're an adult,that's all you, right, that is
all you.
(36:03):
But sometimes people have a hardtime allowing themselves to
have that conversation withthemselves so that they can get
to the answer that previouslythey were told and now they need
to figure out for themselves.
And we do it with things allthe time.
We do it what do you want fordinner?
Right.
And then you can get yourselfthat and you go I want pizza,
great, right.
So now we get to do that withthings that actually help us
(36:24):
with our personal development.
What are some things that Ilike to do that make me happy?
I love crocheting Cool.
Then you're gonna get some yarnand you're gonna make time for
it every day, even if it's fiveminutes.
And then boom, self-care.
It feels so good when I have ablanket done.
I'm like, yee, look at myblanket, like, oh my God.
Zuri (36:41):
That's awesome.
Mike (36:43):
Yeah, mine is read, write, exercise, meditate.
One of them's, for I'm.
Zuri (36:47):
Golden yeah, yeah, and I think that people are honestly a
little afraid of getting toknow themselves.
Amber Rose West (36:57):
Let's go ahead and say a lot of afraid, a lot
of afraid and I think what Iwould really like to see.
Zuri (37:04):
My vision is that we normalize conversations like
this and that we normalize likehey, yeah, it's gonna be scary
as fuck.
Like just, it's gonna be scaryif you find some things there
that you don't like and guesswhat you get to create who you
wanna be Like and normalizeconversations with young people
(37:25):
with.
You know all walks of people.
We need to have these types ofconversations, so thank you for
being a part of this with us.
Amber Rose West (37:34):
Thank you for having me.
It's literally one of myfavorite things in the world is
getting people to a place wherethey feel like they can live
authentically and that they cando it with confidence, and that
whatever dreams they have intheir heart doesn't matter how
big or scary they look.
Just by taking little actionevery day towards building their
self-confidence and then likegoing for it is really what this
(37:55):
life is all about.
We're here to have ourbirthrights fulfilled and that
birthright is a little tinglingin your heart and that little
voice inside your head that'sgoing do it, do it.
Yeah, it's okay to have theseother voices and these other
feelings, but they don't need tostop you.
Zuri (38:11):
And how exciting is it when you get to be in union with
someone like this, where youcan see like, oh, they're lit up
, like they're from their life,and you're like, yes, you know,
it's wonderful to be the personthat's experiencing it, but it's
also like you get to thenreflect that, you get to then be
(38:32):
a mirror, you know, and be like, yeah, I'm living my most
beautiful life and that was oneof the reasons why we wanted to
do the show.
And it's like like there's notgood programming, right.
We started doing it.
So it was like everybody's gotthis fear programming, like wait
a minute, like can we all talkto?
(38:52):
Each other yeah, get empoweredby what we actually have,
instead of looking at what wedon't have.
Yeah, so yeah, I just thank youso much for being a part of
this with us, and is thereanything else you wanna or don't
?
Mike (39:07):
wanna, you know.
I mean I have a plethora ofquestions, but I feel like you
when you develop-.
Amber Rose West (39:12):
Maybe I can come back and you can ask me
again.
Mike (39:15):
If you develop that team program, we're gonna have you
pull you back up and have all ofour listeners be like we have
teams, you can help out.
Amber Rose West (39:23):
I really appreciated being here with the
two of you.
I felt the same way when Ifirst, you know, when I started
my podcast.
It's been three years in themaking now and this was the
first year that I decided toguest on other people's podcasts
, because I love the guests thatI bring onto my show and they
light me up and they inspire meso much.
And one of my friends was, likewhy aren't you on other
people's podcasts?
(39:43):
I'm like I don't know If theywanna know what I have to say.
They can listen to my show andthey're like that's not the
point.
The point is that you get toconnect and collaborate with
people who are sharing, justlike you said, a message of like
empowerment and love andself-confidence, where you're
one voice.
But there are so many differentvoices and we need to start
kind of like pushing out thosevoices of like judgment and
(40:06):
criticism which we find all overthe internet nowadays, and
really start amplifying, likeloudly, these voices of
empowerment and love.
And as I started readingthrough the titles of your
podcast, I was like this is it,this is the one.
So thank you.
I'm glad that we had the mutualfeeling with one another.
Zuri (40:27):
Yeah, it's so beautiful.
Can you tell our empoweredposse how they can find you and
any offers or anything that youwant to share would be a good
time to do that, Sure.
Amber Rose West (40:39):
I am on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, as
at vibrant Amber Rose.
My podcast is called Women ofColor and Confidence.
I do a little bit of talkingabout self-confidence Again, the
inner critics.
We talk a lot about self love,self respect, self acceptance,
as well as interviewing amazingwomen of color as they share
(41:00):
with us stories of developingtheir own self-confidence in
their career, industries andtheir lives.
And I do have an audio guide.
It's a confidence buildingaudio guide up right now that's
called Overpower yourInsecurities.
It's 14 points of confidencebuilding through.
The first half of it is reallytalking about those things that
(41:20):
get in the way of ourself-confidence, so neutralizing
negativity and closing the doorand complaining.
I talk a bit about judgment,comparison, imposter syndrome,
those things that really impactambitious people.
And then, towards the end, wetalk about self care, self
validation and self respect toround it all out, to begin that
confidence journey away frominsecurities.
(41:43):
So I'll be sure to share thelink with that to you.
Zuri (41:45):
Okay, so all of that is gonna be in our show notes and
we'll definitely be promotingthis and tagging you and
lighting you up on social aswell.
So thank you so much, and Iabsolutely love vibrant added to
your name because Dan is aviral.
You are vibrant, okay.
Amber Rose West (42:04):
You know, I got the name.
I used to ask people what.
I asked my friends like what isit about me that makes you
wanna be my friend, or what isit that makes you wanna be
around?
And they, all of them, did youjust have this thing?
And they were doing this withtheir hands and I was like, is
it like a shining?
They're just like you're sovibrant.
And so I finally adopted it.
The name of my company isVibrant Confidence, and
(42:27):
everything about me and who I amhas that vibrancy to it.
So I was like I'm gonna justtake ownership of it because it
just it really is who I am, andI do my best to infuse it again
into topics that can be veryvulnerable and painful to step
into, but that you can also doit with vibrant energy to
develop the self-confidence youwant.
Zuri (42:47):
So it's infectious.
I love it.
Mike (42:52):
So the game is easy.
It's called whose voice is itRight, it's part of recognizing
and knowing whose voice isspeaking at any time.
Zuri (42:59):
Which you can play along, because you've just heard Amber
describe these.
Mike (43:02):
Yes, so we have seven phrases and you must match the
phrase with one of the sevenarchetypes.
Amber Rose West (43:10):
Okay.
Mike (43:11):
Ready.
Okay, so this one.
Here's the phrase I finishedthe book that my editor has been
waiting for over a month, butI'm still not happy with the end
, so I guess I'll rewrite itagain.
Zuri (43:25):
Sounds like a perfectionist.
Mike (43:26):
That does sound like perfectionist, and I've been
there.
Zuri (43:29):
Yeah, I think we all have.
I'm pretty sure it's more thana month that they've been
waiting for it.
Mike (43:33):
Yeah.
Zuri (43:35):
Well, that's kind.
That's not that bad, wasn'tthat in 2020?
Mike (43:43):
All right, so here we go, the next archetype.
This is their phrase I willneed a glass of wine or two to
get this task done.
Zuri (43:52):
Yeah, maybe like the controller with vices, inner
controller strong vices.
Mike (44:04):
Yeah, so basically the voice that needs to control
everything, and in order for itto control, it has to make it
really difficult.
Zuri (44:11):
Yeah, okay, next up.
Mike (44:17):
I know I'm not talented enough to be a writer.
Zuri (44:21):
Wait, is this?
Do they repeat or do I?
Can I not call perfectionistsand inner controller again?
Mike (44:28):
You can.
You know what A lot of thesephrases have the ability to kind
of blend in with one another.
Zuri (44:35):
Okay, so these are like examples that could apply to one
.
Mike (44:37):
Exactly.
Zuri (44:38):
Okay.
Well then I'm gonna say underminor Okay.
Self-confidence.
Mike (44:42):
That is what I have in my little notes here.
So I think you and I are vibingon the same plane here.
Zuri (44:48):
You know, we always do.
Mike (44:49):
All right, so this next one is gonna be a little bit
more difficult.
All right, here we go.
Zuri (44:53):
Wait in parapasi.
Are you playing along and howare you doing?
Let us know, yes.
Mike (44:59):
Next phrase is okay.
I've processed all of the bills, folded all the laundry, mowed
the lawn and finished organizingthe garage.
I'm exhausted, but I need toget working on my project so
that I don't fall behind.
Zuri (45:16):
I think this is probably task master.
Let me say that 10 times taskmaster, Because you always have
to be doing something.
Like there's no such thing asjust rest, Like rest is not
valid or appreciated ornecessary.
Mike (45:33):
And what do you think?
One of the possible outcomes ofthat lifestyle is Burnout,
honey burnout, burnout, burnoutis no joke.
Zuri (45:42):
Yeah, I got the t-shirt.
I don't recommend it.
Mike (45:46):
Here's an inner voice that I know quite well, and they see
if you can guess it by thisphrase I should stop painting
and get a job, because they putme through college and I'll need
to take care of my parents whenthey get old.
Zuri (46:00):
Maybe like you've had dominating parents, maybe like
guilt tripper.
Mike (46:06):
The guilt tripper.
Ooh, the guilt tripper.
You know when you're in aposition where you really,
really have dreams, but yourdreams have to be put on the
back burner because you have todo something for someone else.
Zuri (46:19):
Right.
Mike (46:20):
You're always inclined to do something for someone else
before you handle yourself.
Zuri (46:24):
And that inner critic is always running you down.
Yeah, okay.
Mike (46:29):
All right.
Next phrase I'm interested inbecoming a firefighter, but my
dad is a teacher, my brother's ateacher, my aunt is a teacher,
so I guess I'll be a teacher sothat I can be part of the family
.
Zuri (46:41):
That one's kind of guilt tripper too.
But I'm gonna say likeConformer, ooh Zuri, you're
doing pretty good.
I was like it's not destroyer.
What's next?
Conformer.
Mike (46:56):
I think I really did a good job at this game.
You know that, or you'resmarter than I thought you were,
honey.
What's the problem with theConformer we?
Zuri (47:04):
know Zuri has a big old brain.
So come on, don't play thegames with me.
I mean, let's play gamesforever because I love this, but
that banter was unnecessary.
Mike (47:15):
Indeed, but what do you think the possible outcome for
is?
For the conformer?
Zuri (47:21):
I think they just live someone else's life.
They just conform and end uplike, oh, I had this dream I put
in a box and never get out ofit.
Mike (47:34):
I always think conformity is the antinom of passion.
So if you are born with allthese passions and you have all
the stuff that you want to dobut you just don't do them
because you're afraid not to fitin with your family, then
you're going to live a long,passionless life and let me tell
you, that's not going to bepainful but pleasurable.
Zuri (47:56):
Yeah, and what happens is that you have to push through
every day versus being pulledfrom your passion every day.
Mike (48:04):
That is correct.
Zuri (48:05):
And what happens when you push from the perspective of the
universe, it will push back onyou.
So it's where you createdisease, it's where you create
unnecessary dramas, resistance,chaos, and it's where you
usually develop some type of anaddiction just to help you get
through the push.
Mike (48:25):
Yeah, it's like pushing a boulder up a hill.
Literally it's the beginning ofthe end.
The more you try to conform,the less happy you are, and then
you start to deteriorate.
Zuri (48:37):
And you lose yourself.
Yeah, you just lose youroriginal spark and joy for life.
Mike (48:43):
And if that resonates, you always have the now to change
it.
Yep.
Zuri (48:49):
Every moment is an opportunity to turn it all
around.
That's a vanilla sky.
And then a moment to the movies.
Mike (48:54):
All right, so this last one is going to be easy because
there's only one archetype left,but I'm going to say it anyways
.
The phrase is I'm a failurebecause no one loves me, no one
respects me and no one needs orwants me.
Zuri (49:09):
Definitely Oscar the Grouch, which is your destroyer.
Mike (49:13):
Destroyer man that intercredits.
Basically he doesn't messaround, he's going for the
foundation of you.
He's going to kneecap you.
He's going to put you.
You know.
Zuri (49:21):
He's destroying you Exactly yeah.
Mike (49:23):
Giving you a pair of cement shoes.
Let's go for a swim Like nothanks bro.
Zuri (49:30):
Always say no to that, yeah, okay.
Well, let's do our question ofthe week.
Good game, mikey, by the way.
Thank you.
What inner critic is loudestfor you?
Question of the week Again,what inner critic is loudest for
you?
Once you identify that, thenyou can be the one that's
slaying and not be slain.
Mike (49:50):
Do you want to answer that question?
Zuri (49:52):
Definitely perfectionist.
I always talk about this on ourshow.
I am very self-aware that theperfectionist is loud as fuck.
Mike (50:01):
What's her name or his name?
Zuri (50:03):
You know what?
I didn't name her.
She used to have a name, but Islayed that version of her.
Now she's a lot less crazy,she's a little bit more like.
Every once in a while, if Iburn out, or as I'm in the
burnout process, she gets loudno-transcript.
I would say Taskmaster isalways like in tow with
(50:27):
perfectionists.
That's like you gotta do all ofthese things and you do, do, do
, do, do, do.
And so I don't have a name foreither of them because I'm
constantly, you know, becoming anew version of myself.
So what about you?
Mike (50:39):
I know you already said Oscars, yeah, the destroyer is
mine, but actually theunderminer has bested me on a
couple of my decisions in thepast.
Not so much in the future, inthe current, but in the past.
I've seen a couple of timeswhere I'm like I should have
just finished that project.
Or I should have said yes tothat opportunity.
(51:01):
I should have just stood up formyself, and instead I learned a
lesson the hard way.
Zuri (51:09):
All right.
Well, our review of the weekcomes from K-Dub Crafty.
What's up she says, worth itfive stars.
This podcast is chock full ofeverything you could hope for.
I am hooked and we are soexcited you're here with us.
Thank you for being animportant, valuable player in
(51:29):
our empowered posse.
Indeed, we absolutely love you.
Thank you for leaving reviews.
They actually do help.
I know if you're listening tous on Spotify it's not an option
, but on Apple podcasts you canleave us a review Super easy.
We even leave you a littletutorial of how to do it in our
show notes.
Mike (51:49):
Let me tell you, a review is like giving someone spiritual
currency.
A review is like a goldspiritual coin.
Here you go and you're like ohmy god, thank you, thank you.
Zuri (52:02):
Yeah, we love them and we're grateful for them.
And thank you for taking thetime to actually do a review.
I know we're all busy, but weappreciate you.
Thank you, sending you thehighest vibrations.
Mike (52:14):
You are held.
Zuri (52:15):
You are loved.
Thanks for being an importantmember of our empowered posse.
Want next level access to theempowerment couple.
Mike (52:23):
Explore our private and group coaching services to get
hands-on life changingexperiences and sign up for one
of our empowering coursesdesigned to fast track your
success, using the link in theshow notes.
Zuri (52:35):
We intentionally keep this show ad-free so you can have a
fully immersive experience withus.
Every episode is sponsored byone of our products or trusted
affiliates.
As long as you keep supportingthe show, we can keep showing up
every week to serve you love.
Mike (52:50):
If you're inspired to serve love in return, leave us a
review and click the Sharebutton to grow our empowered
posse.
Zuri (52:56):
We love you, sending you the highest vibrations.
Mike (53:01):
You are held, you taking mine.
He, he, he, he, he.
You need to, you need to bereprimanded.
Oh shit, from scratch and andonesie.
Zuri (53:19):
Ok, seriously, though, jeez.
Ok, don't try to make me laugh.
Mike (53:25):
So simple.
Zuri (53:28):
Oh boy Boy, you playing games.
Mike (53:30):
Sign off.
Take 132.
Zuri (53:32):
You playing games, my mind is playing games.
The inner critic is like girl,pull it together, she's so good
at that.
They're the bitches.
Mike (53:40):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
You are held.
You are limited.
Zuri (53:44):
Oh, dang it OK.
Peace, muffin out, bye.
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