June 5, 2025 • 47 mins
Ever notice how the same arguments keep playing out in your relationship? That pattern isn't random—it's rooted in emotional wounds that are silently shaping your connections.
Wounds aren't just painful reminders of the past; they're doorways to profound transformation when approached with awareness and compassion. Whether it's feeling dismissed when your partner needs space or becoming defensive when criticized, these reactions often stem from unresolved pain points formed early in life.
During this illuminating conversation, we break down the mother and father wounds that both men and women carry into relationships. For women, mother wounds might manifest as people-pleasing or difficulty trusting other women, while father wounds often lead to attracting emotionally unavailable partners or struggling with hyper-independence. Men carry their own unique imprints—from fear of disappointing women to disconnection from purpose or grounded masculinity.
The most powerful revelation? Your triggers aren't your enemies—they're messengers pointing to what needs healing. When your partner does something that pushes your buttons, it's an invitation to transform that reaction into connection. We share practical ways to flip common triggers like "you never listen to me" or "you never initiate intimacy" into opportunities for deeper intimacy, polarity, and even heightened attraction.
Through our playful "Trigger, Treasure, or Turn-on" game, we demonstrate how everyday relationship moments can either activate wounds or create pathways to healing and desire. Because ultimately, intimacy isn't built in comfort—it's built in repair.
Ready to transform your relationship triggers into treasures and turn-ons? This episode provides the roadmap for that journey. Your wounds aren't just what happened to you—they're what's happening for you, creating the exact circumstances needed for your most profound healing and growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I keep getting it wrong.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, but you'll get it right.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm going to get it.
I'm going to get it all right.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Lacerations, here they come Ew.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
No.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple Podcast, where your path
to self-mastery expands.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
And he's Expansion Coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Together we are the Empowerment Couple.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Our mission is simple to serve you, love, so you can
make informed decisions toregain and maintain your
personal power.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Each episode is an excitingblend of education,
entertainment and empowermentdesigned to help you create a
mindset to be a magnet for morelove, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
create your most beautiful lifeA one Z, a two Z, a three Z
your most beautiful life.
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
You're supposed to saysomething?
(01:20):
I forgot.
I forgot something.
I forgot, I forgot.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I already hit it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I'm all doing the 5, 4, 3, 2.
You're looking at me like anidiot.
I already pushed play.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
No, I hit record.
That's what you do as theproducer of the show man.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
You speak as if there's some hidden wound there.
Oh, there's lots of wounds.
Speaking of wounds, what's thetitle of today's show, zuri?
I said what is the title oftoday's show, zuri?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
The title is Wound Wisdom how to transform your
triggers into treasures andturn-ons.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Transform your triggers into treasures and
turn-ons.
I like that.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
You like it.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I like it a lot.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
I like it a lot.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Because I have triggers, but I'd like to have
more treasures and a lot moreturn-ons.
How do we get this done?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
How is what we're going to teach today?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay then.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
That's the how we're going to bring the how let's
make it happen, and we're alsogoing to explain wounds.
Can you say wound, wound,wounds?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Wound-es.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Wound-es.
We have some wound wisdom thatwe are going to drop today,
because your wounds can be likethe basis of your wisdom.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That is correct.
Wounds are a receipt that thereis room to grow.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Most certainly, and never be shameful of the wounds
that you have, because that workthat you do on healing them is
the best work you'll ever do andalso part of why you are here.
Oftentimes they lead to yourgreatest unfoldment.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
And a lot of times we're dealing with a wound
because we are improperlylabeling an event in the past as
negative and instead it was apositive thing.
You actually grew through it.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Yeah, like, for example, when you know like
somebody can no longer be, let'ssay, in the military, and then
they go to war the next year,that's like, oh, that's like a
blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
That is yeah, Exactly .
Speaker 1 (03:50):
That is a blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Oh no, I got kicked out and there's a war going on,
oh rats.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
It's kind of sexy how you did that.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Oh no, my woman is choking on not having enough
water.
I'm going to get her water.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm on moisture patrol.
Got to keep you moist, right.
Got to keep that water comingin and out, right.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Moisture control that's hilarious.
So we've been together a longtime.
Moisture control that'shilarious.
So we've been together a longtime and sometimes we can annoy
each other.
But here's what I want topropose.
What if the thing that annoysyou most about your partner is
the key to deeper intimacy,polarity and healing?
Speaker 2 (04:42):
So I'd go so far as to say that's not a what if it's
actually what you're supposedto be doing, right?
So your personal experience innavigating your unresolved
wounds in your partnership, thatin itself is part of the
process, right?
So, like we all, came in withbaggage and unhealed wounds
spoiler alert everyone does butonce you are there, the process
(05:05):
then is to heal those wounds ina process that we're going to be
talking about.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, we definitely came in with some wounds, and
why this topic matters now,especially for our conscious
couples that we coach and thehigh achievers that we coach
separately, is that the qualityof your life depends on the
quality of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Oh, most certainly yeah, and you're never in a
relationship that's doomed.
You always have the opportunityto work on that relationship.
So today we are going to takeyou on a journey.
Transformation is possiblethrough awareness and sacred
practices.
So the invitation today is tolove beyond the wound right, so
(05:52):
you can heal your triggersthrough polarity and embodiment.
Yes, so that's what we're goingto jump into.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I love it, I'm here for it, let's go Okay.
So let's just do recap on whatwe're actually talking about.
What are emotional wounds?
Emotional wounds are unresolvedpain points from earlier life
experiences, often stemming fromchildhood, and this shapes how
we see ourselves, others and theworld.
(06:20):
These can be abandonment,rejection, betrayal, neglect,
shame or humiliation.
They become core beliefs likeI'm not enough, love is
conditional, I can't trustanyone, I'm afraid of failure,
I'm afraid of success, et cetera.
Right?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
So these wounds, how do they manifest into our lives?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Well, they either become your core wounds, your
common patterns or your shadowbehaviors.
So let's just recap what thoseare.
So core wounds are theemotional injuries we often
carry from childhood or earlyrelationships.
These may come from abandonment, rejection, neglect,
conditional love or unmet needs.
They live in our nervous systemand subconscious.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I feel like that's what everybody has, which is why
what their core wounds, Rightright.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Because it could be the smallest thing to the
largest thing, but we all sharethem, correct.
And then the common patternsare behaviors we adopt, usually
unconsciously, to protectourselves from re-experiencing
the pain of those wounds.
They often feel likepersonality traits or coping
mechanisms, but are reallyadaptive strategies from the
(07:33):
past.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I like how you say the adaptive strategies.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, okay.
And then the third way isshadow behaviors, and shadow
behaviors are parts of us thatwe've disowned, rejected or
suppressed, often because theywere shamed, punished or not
modeled growing up.
So these behaviors tend to showup in moments of stress,
conflict or emotional charge,and are usually not aligned with
(07:59):
our highest self.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, I would most certainly say that it's
definitely not a higher self, soa visual would be like.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Our triggers are the smoke, core wounds are the fire,
and then common patterns arethe escape route, and then
shadow behaviors.
They're the alarm system thatsays hey, yo, yo, it's time to
heal.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
It's time to heal.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing,
bing, and they get louder andlouder and louder.
So let's break it down into howfemales have a mother wound and
a father wound, and then alsohow males have a mother and
father wound and what that lookslike.
Yeah, that's perfect, so you gofirst I'll do females, my
(08:41):
feminine tribe.
So for females, the motherwound is a wound that arises
from how a woman's mothermodeled femininity, emotional
expression, self-worth and love.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Now, this is interesting because, as moms out
there, as you're listening tothis, just know that what you
are doing with yourself and youractions are also being adopted
by your kids.
Yep, so this is veryinteresting For sure.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So, whether you have a daughter or whether you are a
mom, like everybody needs thisinformation, not so that you can
feel bad about yourself.
So just get ready, take a deepbreath.
We're going to do some deepwork together and we're going to
love you through this.
But this is hard work and um,but it's the most important work
wound care, essentially, sofiguring out where you are
(09:34):
having the issue and so and andno judgment.
Like all of us have this.
Like all of us have theseunderlying wounds going on and
even if you've taken care ofthem, sometimes they come back.
You know, because it's likeconstant, constantly have to
care for them.
Okay, so Again, mother wound.
(09:55):
This wound arises from how awoman's mother models femininity
, emotional expression,self-worth and love, and the
core wounds may include feelingunlovable unless you're useful,
pretty or perfect, being shamedfor your emotions or sexuality,
competing with or beingcriticized by your mother,
(10:16):
taking on emotional caretakingof your mother.
And the common patterns arepeople-pleasing and over-giving,
suppressed feminine energy orcreativity, guilt for outshining
your mother, difficultytrusting other women.
Shadow behaviors are emotionalrepression, perfectionism,
(10:38):
self-betrayal and seekingmothering from romantic partners
.
So if any of that felt like, ohfuck, she's calling me out,
just know that that's all of us.
We're all experiencing thesewounds.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
If you're wounded, you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
You're in good company, honey, and now father
wound.
For females, this wound formsaround how your father did or
did not show up through presence, protection, praise or
permission to be fully expressed.
Wounds may include emotionalabandonment or physical absence,
overcritical orover-controlling father,
(11:22):
unavailable or unsafe masculineenergy, receiving conditional
love based on achievement, andthe common patterns are
attracting emotionallyunavailable or dominant men
seeking validation throughperformance or sex, difficulty
trusting masculine leadership orprotection, and the shadow
behaviors are hyper-independenceor hyper-codependence and fear
(11:46):
of surrender or intimacy.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
That is a handful right there.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
That's not a pleasant bag.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
If I just scratched your wound right now.
Just know you were held, youwere loved.
We're going to get through thistogether.
Scratched your wound right now,just know you were held, you
were loved.
We're going to get through thistogether.
The best way to uncoversomething that has been causing
you pain is to pay attention toit.
Look at it so that we can dosome wound care.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
So the first part of it is the awareness.
So if, as you're listening, youare becoming more and more,
more and more aware of what'shappening, you're in the first
stage.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Yes so correct.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
So jumping into the mother wound.
For males, this wound comesfrom how a man experienced the
feminine, often his mother'semotional regulation, her
boundaries and her connection tohis emotional needs.
So the core wounds may includeenmeshment, basically when the
mother relied on the son foremotional support instead of the
other way around being punishedor shamed for showing anger or
(12:50):
autonomy, over-nurturing orover-controlling mother.
There's some guilt aroundmasculine independence or
sexuality.
The common patterns are goingto be fear of disappointing a
woman, suppressing emotions oravoiding conflict, attracting,
(13:11):
controlling or overly emotionalpartners right, so again, you're
basically attracting who youwere raised by right, so it's
going to put you in the samenegative patterns.
The shadow behaviors, of course, are going to be your passive
masculinity right, rage,repression, and then you'll also
(13:32):
start getting into pornaddiction.
And then there's also thebehavior of mothering your
partner instead of polarizingwith them.
Right, so you are assuming thefeminine role versus claiming
your max masculinity.
Then there's a father woundright, so this is the foundation
of a man's sense of power.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Wait, can we just pause, like if any of that felt
like it triggered you.
Any of that felt like, oh fuck,they found me out.
Or whatever the sensation comesin your body where sometimes
you get that hot feeling of like, oh God, I'm exposed.
Just know that that is justyour awareness and that you are
safe.
You are safe, you are held.
There's a path.
(14:14):
We're showing you the pathwaythrough.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
If you are fighting the urge to push, stop, because
this is too much.
It's okay, you can push, pause,yes, just keep going, because
this is going to be good for you.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay, father wound.
Sorry to interrupt you.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
So, again, this is the foundation of a man's sense
of power, his purpose andidentity.
The father wound comes fromneglect, abuse, absence or
modeling of unhealthymasculinity, and that also comes
from the father.
The core wounds may includeemotional or physical abuse, a
lack of healthy male role modelwill you know?
(14:58):
That's just part of itrejection or comparison or
feeling not good enough as a man.
Right, the common patterns aregoing to be fear of failure or
inadequacy, trying to proveworth through success or
domination, or you're going tobe disconnected from your
purpose, your leadership or yourgrounded masculinity.
All that stuff will beflatlined.
(15:19):
The shadow behaviors are goingto be, of course, anger issues,
control issues and any type ofavoidance of commitment.
Right Another shadow behavioris over-identifying with the
hustle culture, or the exactopposite, being a lone wolf.
So basically, you're tappinginto two unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah.
Because, the hustle culture isall about force and not about
flow.
And the hustle culture is allabout I got to get this done.
I got to get this done, andthat is going to burn you out,
whether you're male or female.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
And the loner wolf basically means that you're
checking out, you'redisconnecting with the people
around you so that you can staysafe, when in fact you need to
get back into that, you need tohave those relationships healed
and the lone wolf basically hasyou pulling away and repressing
connectivity with the peoplearound you, right Like hiding,
(16:22):
basically not wanting to be seenand not wanting to be in the
pack, which is what wolves do.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Wolves are pack animals, exactly so.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
There's a quote from Dr Nicole Lepera, and she states
that "the relationships we formin childhood write the
blueprint for how we love andlead and respond to conflict as
adults?
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Yes, your triggers aren't the enemy, they are the
invitation.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
So if you felt the chills or you had a hot
sensation, or you felt exposedor you had that sensation where
you show up at school naked orwhatever came through for you
when we were talking about whatthe wounds are, I want you to
know that, yeah, that's justpart of being a human.
That's the playing field,that's where we are, and they're
not the enemy, they're theinvitation.
(17:12):
So whatever has happened to youhas also happened for you.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Exactly, exactly.
So if you're dealing, if you'renot dealing with a wound,
there's a good chance thatyou're not getting any closer to
your goals, right?
So, the more you address thosewounds, the closer you're going
to get to your goals, becauseyou're going to allow yourself
to actually reach them.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Right, and right now we have a lot of people who are
in a nervous system shutdown andemotional dysregulation, which
we talked about on our previousepisodes.
And let's just talk about howemotional wounds lead to
dysregulation, because if youdon't check on the wound, then
(17:53):
you're going to have a very hardtime emotionally Correct
Because you'll be covering orhiding or numbing.
You'll be doing something.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yeah, you're not operating from a state of
balance.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
So unhealed wounds live in your nervous system, not
just in the mind.
They definitely live in themind we're going to cover that
next but they live in yournervous system.
When something in the presentreminds your body of a past
wound, it reacts, even if,logically, like you know, this
is not even close to the samesituation.
It's just that it triggers apart of your body that makes it
(18:28):
feel like it's the same.
But it's not.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Yeah, it's almost as if you're paying the price of a
thousand fights in one fight.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Right.
So an example would be like ifyou have an abandonment wound
and your partner needs space,your body may go into panic
fight, which is like clingflight, which is shut down or
leave and freeze, which is likenumb out, like go and distract
yourself with TV or get high orget super loaded on alcohol,
(19:02):
whatever you know the things,all the crutches.
That's emotional dysregulation.
When your nervous system isoverwhelmed and your response is
bigger than the moment callsfor, it's when you have that
real freak out moment and you'relike, oh fuck, what's wrong
with me?
It's that your nervous systemis responding to something that
has likely nothing to do withthe reality that you're
(19:24):
experiencing.
You lose your keys and 20minutes later your house is like
burnt down because you lostyour shit.
It's like you know, if somebodygets really close to you and
like your childhood, was peoplegetting in your face if somebody
gets really close to you, evenif they weren't aggressively
coming at you, you might reactby pushing them or doing
(19:48):
something very like whoa, wheredid that come from?
You know, shocking to the otherparty.
But that has nothing to do withthem, but it just has to do
with your emotionaldysregulation.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I have something to admit to you.
I have emotional dysregulationtoward bouncers.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Oh, I know this, I know this.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I just want to let you know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's authority.
Authority figured emotionaldysregulation.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Let a bouncer touch me and I'll just lose my shit.
Yeah, I've seen it.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I have receipts, Anyway.
So there's a neuroscienceconnection Like I said, we're
going to cover this that whenwounded, your amygdala, the
brain's alarm center, hijacksyour logical brain, your
prefrontal cortex, you go intosurvival mode, overreacting,
(20:42):
shutting down or losing yoursense of safety in the moment.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Hence fighting bouncers.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Hence fighting a bouncer.
If it is hysterical, it ishistorical Meaning.
If your emotional reaction isdisappropriate, it's likely tied
to some old wound and not justthe current event, like you've
seen people do this.
You probably have been guiltyof doing this Like it was like
(21:10):
what the fuck?
Where did that come from?
And it's just a part of youthat isn't fully healed and is
need some wound care.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Yeah, so there is a regulated response and a
dysregulated response.
So let's talk about thosedifferences, right?
So a regulated response, so ofcourse there's going to be a
trigger, right?
So there's going to be atrigger and you'll either have a
dysregulated reaction or aregulated response.
So if a partner says a triggerwould be a partner would ask for
(21:40):
space and a dysregulated actionwould be, a reaction would be
the partner would panic or clingand kind of overreact, whereas
the regulated response would belike you know what I feel
vulnerable, but I trust our bond.
Space is okay.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That's a nice regulated response.
Another trigger would be anytype of criticism, right, so
criticism tends to happenregularly in most marriages.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
But it needs to be put in check Exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
A dysregulated reaction to that would be
literally rage or shutting down,right?
You're talking about those twoextremes where a regulated
response would be you know, oh,that hurt.
Can we talk about it?
There's an open-endedconversation.
There's an invitation to learnand exchange more information.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
It also allows you to set a boundary.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Correct, that is correct.
Any type of disagreement.
That would be a trigger, and adysregulated response would, of
course, go straight intowithdrawal or yelling, right,
whereas the regulated responsewould look more like you know
what, honey, let's pause andlet's come back when we're more
grounded.
(22:55):
Right, you've made space in thefuture, but you realize that
right now is not the best timeto do so.
Right, but you realize thatright now is not the best time
to do so.
So, healing the wound allowsfor the nervous system to
regulate so you can respondinstead of react, and that's
where you want to be.
When you're having aconversation, you never want to
(23:16):
be in responding, you want to bein reacting.
You want to be in responding.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah, so there's proactive responding and
dysregulated reacting Correct,and almost always your reactions
are coming from a place of aunhealed part of yourself, a
wound.
Sometimes it could be aboundary, but we'll talk more
about that.
(23:42):
But this triggers something inus, right, and your triggers are
not your truth.
They're just messengerspointing to the unhealed parts
of you.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Like signposts.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yes, kill me, yep.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Kill me, no problem.
Now, one thing about wounds isespecially in relationships,
males and females will bring indifferent symptoms based on
their wounds, right?
So that's something to say.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Yeah.
So here's how they show up inrelationships.
So the mother wound for females, the female response is
overgiving, guilt and distrustof women, and the male response
is guilt, fear of separation andemotional avoidance.
So the father wound showing upin women is attraction to
(24:31):
emotionally unavailable men,hyper-independence.
And then the male response isthe need to dominate or perform,
fear, failure, control issues.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
So what's interesting is what happens when both the
husband and wife have both maleand female wounds from their mom
and dad, right?
So then we're talking about allof those things coming into a
big pool within the relationship, right?
The overgiving, the guilt, thedistrust, the need to dominate,
(25:03):
to perform all the things youjust mentioned.
So if you are in a relationshipand you have all these wounds,
then this is how those woundsturn into relationship triggers,
right?
So the question is are alltriggers coming from wounds?
Speaker 1 (25:21):
No, but many triggers are wound activated.
Okay, so these are often tiedto early life experiences,
especially in childhood.
Trauma or unprocessed pain.
Examples would be feelingdismissed and that might trace
back to a parent who ignoredyour emotions.
Panic when someone needs space,and that's an abandonment wound
(25:44):
.
Rage when somebody criticizesyou that's a shame wound.
So yeah, they aren't alltriggers from wounds, but some
are.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
So these triggers are out of proportion to the moment
, because the nervous system isreacting to a historical imprint
, not the present, is reactingto a historical imprint, not the
present.
So there's a data point thatstates that in the Journal of
Marital and Family Therapyconfirmed that unresolved
parental trauma often predictsconflict styles and intimacy
(26:18):
breakdowns in adult romanticrelationships.
Yes, right.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
So here are some of the triggers that are not
wound-based.
Boundary violations would be anexample.
So you can be triggered whensomeone crosses a boundary and
it's not about a wound, it'sabout your inner compass saying
not right for me, no, thank you,or just no no-ho.
Like we said on our lastpodcast, the example would be
(26:44):
like somebody speaks over you.
You feel irritated, not becauseof trauma, but because you
value mutual respect.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
I'm speaking I'm speaking exactly.
Then there's, of course, valueconflicts, right?
So sometimes you're triggeredbecause your core values are
being challenged, not becauseyou are unhealed right?
So an example of that would beuh, you value honesty, but
someone lies to you, right, theanger isn't from a wound, it's
(27:11):
from integrity being compromisedright, and knowing the
difference is really helpful,because then you know you're not
like trying to look into yourpast and be like oh, was it this
?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
or you know like so.
This is why we're making thisdistinction.
Energetic incompatibility wouldbe another one.
So you may feel off or agitatedin someone's presence, not due
to past trauma, but because yournervous system detects
energetic misalignment,especially true for people who
are very sensitive to energy,like empaths and intuitives,
(27:45):
anybody with a spiritual ability.
They have a sensitivity to bearound certain energies and if
it's a no, it's a no.
And it doesn't have anything todo with their childhood.
It has to do with theirincompatible energy.
They're a mismatch.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
So let's talk about the difference between these
various triggers.
So you have your wound-basedtrigger, and the root cause for
those wound-based triggers aregoing to be past trauma or unmet
childhood needs, and the besthealing path for that, of course
, is going to be your innerchild work and some somatic
healing.
There's all kinds of thingsthat you can do in regards to
(28:25):
that.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
There's guided meditations that you have, that
we have free on the podcast, souse those.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Then you have your boundary-based trigger right and
the root cause usually is goingto be there's a disrespect.
In the present moment it'sactually happening right and the
best healing path is going tobe clarified.
So you could ask someclarifying questions while you
are enforcing your boundaries.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Yep and also clarifying that this is my
boundary.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Exactly.
Then you have your value-basedtriggers, so conflict with
personal value.
So if someone comes into yourspace and you are a vegetarian
and they're meat eaters, they'reeating a turkey leg Right.
Then you're going to have toheal it.
You're going to have to havesome value alignment with some
(29:19):
positive communication, and thenyou have your energetic or your
environmental triggers.
So this is sensory or energeticoverload.
You can go to a conference, youknow, you can be in a room
where someone's speaking andit's just like too much Right.
So to heal from that, do alittle bit of nervous system
(29:40):
care and a little bit morediscernment meaning like choose
whether or not you want to go tothat heavy metal concert.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Or if you don't drink and don't smoke and don't rage
anymore and you get invited togo to Vegas.
That's where you would be likeoh, discernment, I don't think
that's a match for me anymore.
I don't know.
Let me think of what that wouldbe like with people who are
drinkers, smokers, ragers, etcetera.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
The thing about triggers is that triggers are
teachers.
They're not just trauma, right?
They're pointing to what'sstill tender, unclear or
non-negotiable for you.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yes, absolutely.
So here's the fun part let'sflip these fucking triggers,
right?
Okay, we're going to flip thetrigger, we're going to turn the
wounds into connection pointsand really what we're going to
do is turn your trigger to turnon reframes, uh-oh.
So here's what we're going todo.
I'm going to give an exampleand I'm going to give you how I
(30:44):
flipped it and then also theresult.
And then you want to do one,yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Okay, so this will help you embody.
Embody what you've just learnedabout wound care.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Taking information.
Turn that information intoaction.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yes.
So here's your example triggeryou never listened to me can be
flipped into a turn-on and itcould be feeling fully witnessed
and safe to express for bothpartners.
So, whether it's a male orfemale saying you never listen
to me, what's really happeningis for the feminine energy.
(31:20):
The feminine energy oftencraves presence, emotional
validation and space to feelwithout being fixed, and the
masculine energy often longs tobe heard with appreciation,
without being judged ormicromanaged.
So how I flipped it is you cancreate a sacred expressing
(31:41):
ritual.
So this could look like whenthe feminine expresses, they get
three minutes to share emotion,experience or a desire and the
listener stays in full presence.
No fixing, no feedback, justfeeling them, just feeling the
energy.
When the masculine expresses,they get three minutes to do the
(32:01):
same.
They get to voice what they'rebuilding, navigating or wanting
to be acknowledged for, and thelistener brings warmth, respect
and nurturing attention.
No dismissing, no correcting,just honoring.
The result is that this willthen build mutual safety and
erotic polarity.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Did you say erotic polarity?
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Yes, because the feminine, once the feminine
feels seen and safe, themasculine then would also feel
respected and empowered in thisinterchange and the intimacy
then will deepen on bothemotional and energetic levels.
And what happens is that itthen becomes like a turn on, it
becomes ritualized into like, oh, we're not just bitching, it's
(32:46):
like, no, we're going to holdspace together and make the
other person feel fullywitnessed and safe to express.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
So what you're saying is a trigger isn't a problem,
it is a possibility.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
It's a possibility.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Oh, okay, well, I got another example, okay, so
trigger to turn on.
The trigger is you neverinitiate intimacy anymore.
That's a good trigger, right?
The turn on is the ability toreclaim erotic tension through
playful polarity and sharedseduction.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
So here's what's really happening.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Right.
So one partner often the femalefeels unwanted or unseen,
craving to be desired, withoutalways initiating.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yes, spoiler alert Women like to be hunted.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
That is correct.
Now the other partner, oftenthe masculine, may feel rejected
, burdened or unsure how toapproach, fearing they will do
it wrong or be turned down Right.
So it kind of goes both ways.
Now.
This cycle breeds resentment,shutdown or a loss of polarity.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Which means that both of you are acting either
masculine or wounded, masculineor immature masculine, or both
of you are acting out a wound asfeminine.
Exactly, yeah, so like you bothare.
There's no polarity.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
You have slipped out of divinity, and now you are in
a mesh of madness.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
A mesh of madness, a mesh of madness.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
So here's how we flipped it, right we created
mystery nights, which is like anintentional seduction ritual,
right?
So each week we'll take turnsinitiating intimacy, but we'll
do it in character, right?
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Or just embodied in something.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
Yeah, exactly, it's not necessarily even role play.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
It's just like, but it could be.
It's not even necessarily roleplay.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
So one week it's the soft, sensual siren who leads
the moon, like Zuri will come inand you'd be all flowy and
she'll have a little look in hereye.
I'm like, oh goodness, okay, soit's her turn.
And then I'll be like, okay, sonext time I gotta bring it.
So the next it's the confident,commanding partner who sets the
scene.
I'll walk in with jeans and ashirt off and we're good to go
(35:01):
right.
So, uh, we use music, we useoutfits, candlelight, playful
themes to create some tension,humor and anticipation, and it's
the anticipation that alsobrings polarity.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Right, you don't know if I'm showing up in boots and
a whip.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
Exactly, or you know, just like a flowy dress,
massage oil and candles.
A flowy dress, okay, right.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
So why it worked?
Simple, right.
The feminine energy is desired.
She felt desired, safe tosurrender, uh and and be
creatively expressive.
And the masculine energy feltwelcomed to lead, celebrate for
initiating and then feelsexually alive.
So both partners experiencednew facets of themselves and
(35:51):
each other, reviving polarity,play and passion.
Now that comes from a triggerright, so there is a possibility
in a problem.
So for me, when I stoppedthinking that I needed to defend
myself and started listeningwith presence, our connection
grew right in front of my eyes.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Yes, and I would say that the space that you created
by creating a container that wassacred, authentic, monogamous
and safe, that's when I becomeeven more sensual and even more
turned on, and so you cantrigger somebody into a positive
place.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Correct, again triggers are treasures.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Yes, use them so that's a great segue, by the way
to our game, which is triggertreasure or turn on oh, trigger
Trigger.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Treasure Turn on.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Oh, that was awesome.
I love when we don't practicethese things and then we both
just nerd out together.
Okay, so here's how to play.
I'm going to read ahypothetical relationship
behavior.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
I like hypotheticals.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yes, I know you do.
You love them.
And then the guesses will be isit a trigger, a treasure or a
turn-on?
A trigger meaning an unhealedwound or pattern being activated
.
A treasure which is a consciousreframe or glimmer leading to
deeper intimacy, polarity andhealing like doing the inner
work.
It just has so many pots of goldright, or maybe it's a turn-on
(37:25):
and it creates the exactpolarity that makes you want to
rip their clothes off.
We're going to discuss where itleads and it will have like a
we'll do a short deeper dive,just so you can also fully
understand this.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
So let's start you ready for this, I'm down.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I'm ready, I'm going to give you the behavior or the
phrase and and you're going tosay trigger treasure or turn on,
okay, it also could be allthree.
Got it?
Okay, I need space tonight.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Definitely a trigger.
I need space tonight.
I would say it's a trigger anda treasure.
It might actually be all three.
I mean, I think that there'sspace for that.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I think it triggers the fear of abandonment.
It is a treasure because itcultivates sovereignty, and it
could be a turn on as you createsome kind of anticipation for
reunion.
Ah so all three, all three.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
I need some space tonight.
What about tomorrow night?
Speaker 1 (38:30):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Okay, You're too emotional.
Is that a trigger, treasure orturn on?
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's not a turn on and it's not a treasure.
I'm going to go for a trigger.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, I would say that's a trigger because it's a
judgment of the person'semotional expression, and but
you could reframe it as shaktiembodiment oh yeah so I mean
there's an opportunity, but it'sit's a trigger.
Anytime you're being criticalwith a judgment statement,
you're not asking for a goodtime.
The turn off it's the oppositeof a turn on.
(39:07):
Okay, so I planned our weekendgetaway.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Is that a treasure?
Speaker 1 (39:13):
or a turn on.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
That is most certainly a treasure and a turn
on.
I mean you're creating, I meanA it's nice in the moment and
also you're creating someanticipation that you're talking
about.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Yeah, so if it was the male, you know making the
time, it would be like masculineleadership.
It's very sexy because it showsdevotion and direction.
So it's definitely a treasureand a turn on All right.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I will say, though, if I came up to you and I said I
planned our weekend getaway,you would want to check my work,
you're not wrong, but Iwouldn't check your work.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
You are so not wrong.
No lies told.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Where are we going, Mike?
What is this?
What is this, Mike?
I plan our weekend giveaway.
Oh great, I'll pack my bags.
Where are we going?
So it all depends on who'ssaying it.
You know what I?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
would.
I would like to lean fully intomy feminine and trust you to
plan a weekend getaway.
You just have to at least tellme what to pack.
That's the hard part, right?
Yeah, okay.
So another one would be why doyou always have to be right?
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Trigger.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yes, this turns into a power struggle.
Every time Not nine times outof ten, Ten out of ten.
Every time.
You can turn it into a treasureby taking the opportunity for
conscious communication.
You can be like hey, I justnoticed, we did this.
Is there something we couldapproach this in a better way?
You can turn it into a turn onby polarity, Like you know,
(40:50):
polarity restoration.
We want to call it aka makeupsex.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
I gotta Tell that to me.
Say, why do you always have tobe right?
Speaker 1 (40:58):
Why do you always have to be right?
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Because I have to be right in order to be next to you
.
Polarity, right.
You want to take my pants off,right?
Speaker 1 (41:08):
I liked it.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Okay, I approve what's the stamp of?
Speaker 1 (41:11):
approval um.
I lit candles and ran a bathfor you treasure and turn on and
maybe even a trigger.
But a positive trigger.
A positive trigger positivetrigger um, yeah, because it's
nourishment.
Nourishment for the feminineand sensual support.
But also, if I ran a bath foryou, you'd be like, oh, she's
(41:31):
worried about me, so you wouldfeel like I was nurturing you.
It builds trust and softnessbetween the partnership.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Exactly, and when you make a bath for me, the first
thought is oh, it's about to godown.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Yeah, I was just thinking like if the bath is
made, so is his bed.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Oh, there we go, I like that.
Okay, last one.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
You're acting just like your mother or father.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Oh, that's a major trigger, general major trigger.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Nobody wants to hear that because we're all hoping to
break cycles and also, even ifyour parents are amazing like
mine, you don't want to hearthat you're acting out some of
their negative behaviors, whicheveryone has.
It's wound activation so youcan reframe it with softness to
find the treasure and use theopportunity to explore inherited
(42:22):
patterns with compassion, like,oh, I see how this is replaying
itself and you can encouragesome cycle breaking and make a
commitment to more to embody itmore.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
A way to flip that would be you're acting just like
your mother or father, and myresponse would be thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
You can go both ways, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, it can go both ways.
Thank you.
So somatic psychology researchfrom Peter Levine's work shows
that somatic release andco-regulation improves
attachment repair and relationaltrust.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
Well, intimacy isn't built in comfort, it's built in
repair.
That comes from good old MarkRose.
I like that.
It's built in repair right.
So if you are having intimacyissues, that means you have the
ability to repair those.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Yes, right.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
To strengthen it.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
Yeah, and there's many, so many healing practices
that we could help you with,with wound care, and really the
best way to do that, of course,is to work with someone who's
going to help you.
And if you're in a relationshipand you love this episode or it
awakens something within you,share it with a partner or a
(43:41):
friend, somebody who's ready toflip the script on triggers and
co-create healing love.
And if you want our support,you can fill out our application
to work with us.
If you're in a relationship orif you're not in a relationship
and looking to attract arelationship, we don't have a
spot for everyone, but if we'rein alignment, we're here for you
(44:03):
.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
We have a spot for you if you're in alignment.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yes, and the link is in our show notes, if you want
to do that, because we want tohelp you turn your wounds into
wisdom and your triggers intotreasures and hopefully, whoever
you partner up with, they'regoing to turn it into a turn on
honey.
Oh yeah, so a couple of journalprompts to close with for this
week.
Question of the week.
You have one.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
I have one, okay, okay.
What wound still shows up foryou today?
Speaker 1 (44:32):
Okay, I have one.
What did you reframe as a turnon?
Oh, okay, I like that.
You like that, I like that.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
So funny thought, so wounds after this conversation.
Wounds are wonderful, yeah,they are open avenues to bring
in more love.
With that said, Zuri.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
He's touching me.
This is bad.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Will you kiss my cut?
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Kiss your cut Will you lick my laceration?
Speaker 2 (45:05):
No, will you mash my gash?
Will you lick my laceration?
No, will you mash my gash?
Will you tug my trauma?
Or will you bang out my boo-boo?
What?
Speaker 1 (45:18):
Did you write these down?
Speaker 2 (45:19):
Which one do you like the best Wait?
Speaker 1 (45:20):
did these come from here?
I need to know this.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Oh, this is me.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Did you write this down this?
Speaker 2 (45:24):
is all me.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
Okay, then say them again.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Kiss my cut.
Okay.
Is that a turn on?
Speaker 1 (45:30):
No.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Trigger Turn on, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
You know what I do like to laugh, and so it turns
me on when you make me laugh.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
So yes, so kiss my.
Speaker 1 (45:37):
cut you like that one Lick my laceration uh, mash my
gash, mash, mash, mash, mash mygosh.
Like what are you talking about?
Mash, like, like mashing andmovement you just made.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
Okay, mash my gash uh-huh, tug my trauma that's
standard right and bang out myboo-boo I think bang out, my
boo-boo is just so delicious,honey, if you said if you came
to me and you were justdistraught and you were full of
trauma and you said, dude, youneed to bang out my boo-boo, I'd
be like I got you, honey, I gotyou.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
I probably would say something more like I need
medicine, man, right now, Notjust outside, but inside.
Can you help me?
That's probably how I would sayit.
I don't know if I'd be like,hey, can you bash out my boo-boo
.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
Bash out my boo-boo.
That's pretty good too.
Speaker 1 (46:32):
What was it Bang?
Speaker 2 (46:33):
out.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
Oh, bang out.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
I already got it wrong, yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
All right, I think that's a good place to stop.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
It's good times.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2 (46:46):
You are held.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
You are loved.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Even your wounds.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Even, especially, your wounds.
You're great as you are, comeas you are.
Wounds are wonderful.
Wounds can be full ofopportunities to build wisdom.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
Love beyond the wound .
Speaker 1 (47:05):
Love beyond the wound .
Love beyond the wound.
Okay, that's enough.
Bash out your boo-boo.
Bang out, bang out.
Keep getting it wrong.
I keep getting it wrong.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
Oh, but you'll get it right.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
I'm going to get it.
I'm going to get it all right.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Lacerations, here they come Ew.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
No.
Welcome to the EmpowermentCouple Podcast, where your path
to self-mastery expands.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
And he's Expansion Coach Mikey Starr.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Together we are the Empowerment Couple.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
Our mission is simple to serve you, love, so you can
make informed decisions toregain and maintain your
personal power.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with
purpose, passion and limitlesspossibilities, while sharing
stories of transformation,wellness hacks and healthy
habits backed by science andancient wisdom.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games,
banter and funny innuendosalong the way.
Each episode is an excitingblend of education,
entertainment and empowermentdesigned to help you create a
mindset to be a magnet for morelove, happiness and abundance.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Together with our special guests.
We are dedicated to sharinginformation that empowers you to
create your most beautiful lifeA one Z, a two Z, a three Z
your most beautiful life.
I got nothing.
I got nothing.
You're supposed to saysomething?
(01:20):
I forgot.
I forgot something.
I forgot, I forgot.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I already hit it.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
I'm all doing the 5, 4, 3, 2.
You're looking at me like anidiot.
I already pushed play.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
No, I hit record.
That's what you do as theproducer of the show man.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
You speak as if there's some hidden wound there.
Oh, there's lots of wounds.
Speaking of wounds, what's thetitle of today's show, zuri?
I said what is the title oftoday's show, zuri?
Speaker 1 (02:01):
The title is Wound Wisdom how to transform your
triggers into treasures andturn-ons.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
Transform your triggers into treasures and
turn-ons.
I like that.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
You like it.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I like it a lot.
Speaker 1 (02:16):
I like it a lot.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Because I have triggers, but I'd like to have
more treasures and a lot moreturn-ons.
How do we get this done?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
How is what we're going to teach today?
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay then.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
That's the how we're going to bring the how let's
make it happen, and we're alsogoing to explain wounds.
Can you say wound, wound,wounds?
Speaker 2 (02:39):
Wound-es.
Speaker 1 (02:44):
Wound-es.
We have some wound wisdom thatwe are going to drop today,
because your wounds can be likethe basis of your wisdom.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
That is correct.
Wounds are a receipt that thereis room to grow.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Most certainly, and never be shameful of the wounds
that you have, because that workthat you do on healing them is
the best work you'll ever do andalso part of why you are here.
Oftentimes they lead to yourgreatest unfoldment.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
And a lot of times we're dealing with a wound
because we are improperlylabeling an event in the past as
negative and instead it was apositive thing.
You actually grew through it.
Speaker 1 (03:34):
Yeah, like, for example, when you know like
somebody can no longer be, let'ssay, in the military, and then
they go to war the next year,that's like, oh, that's like a
blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
That is yeah, Exactly .
Speaker 1 (03:50):
That is a blessing in disguise.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
Oh no, I got kicked out and there's a war going on,
oh rats.
Speaker 1 (03:57):
It's kind of sexy how you did that.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Oh no, my woman is choking on not having enough
water.
I'm going to get her water.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm on moisture patrol.
Got to keep you moist, right.
Got to keep that water comingin and out, right.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
Moisture control that's hilarious.
So we've been together a longtime.
Moisture control that'shilarious.
So we've been together a longtime and sometimes we can annoy
each other.
But here's what I want topropose.
What if the thing that annoysyou most about your partner is
the key to deeper intimacy,polarity and healing?
Speaker 2 (04:42):
So I'd go so far as to say that's not a what if it's
actually what you're supposedto be doing, right?
So your personal experience innavigating your unresolved
wounds in your partnership, thatin itself is part of the
process, right?
So, like we all, came in withbaggage and unhealed wounds
spoiler alert everyone does butonce you are there, the process
(05:05):
then is to heal those wounds ina process that we're going to be
talking about.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Yeah, we definitely came in with some wounds, and
why this topic matters now,especially for our conscious
couples that we coach and thehigh achievers that we coach
separately, is that the qualityof your life depends on the
quality of your relationship.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Oh, most certainly yeah, and you're never in a
relationship that's doomed.
You always have the opportunityto work on that relationship.
So today we are going to takeyou on a journey.
Transformation is possiblethrough awareness and sacred
practices.
So the invitation today is tolove beyond the wound right, so
(05:52):
you can heal your triggersthrough polarity and embodiment.
Yes, so that's what we're goingto jump into.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
I love it, I'm here for it, let's go Okay.
So let's just do recap on whatwe're actually talking about.
What are emotional wounds?
Emotional wounds are unresolvedpain points from earlier life
experiences, often stemming fromchildhood, and this shapes how
we see ourselves, others and theworld.
(06:20):
These can be abandonment,rejection, betrayal, neglect,
shame or humiliation.
They become core beliefs likeI'm not enough, love is
conditional, I can't trustanyone, I'm afraid of failure,
I'm afraid of success, et cetera.
Right?
Speaker 2 (06:37):
So these wounds, how do they manifest into our lives?
Speaker 1 (06:40):
Well, they either become your core wounds, your
common patterns or your shadowbehaviors.
So let's just recap what thoseare.
So core wounds are theemotional injuries we often
carry from childhood or earlyrelationships.
These may come from abandonment, rejection, neglect,
conditional love or unmet needs.
They live in our nervous systemand subconscious.
Speaker 2 (07:03):
I feel like that's what everybody has, which is why
what their core wounds, Rightright.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
Because it could be the smallest thing to the
largest thing, but we all sharethem, correct.
And then the common patternsare behaviors we adopt, usually
unconsciously, to protectourselves from re-experiencing
the pain of those wounds.
They often feel likepersonality traits or coping
mechanisms, but are reallyadaptive strategies from the
(07:33):
past.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I like how you say the adaptive strategies.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Yeah, okay.
And then the third way isshadow behaviors, and shadow
behaviors are parts of us thatwe've disowned, rejected or
suppressed, often because theywere shamed, punished or not
modeled growing up.
So these behaviors tend to showup in moments of stress,
conflict or emotional charge,and are usually not aligned with
(07:59):
our highest self.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, I would most certainly say that it's
definitely not a higher self, soa visual would be like.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Our triggers are the smoke, core wounds are the fire,
and then common patterns arethe escape route, and then
shadow behaviors.
They're the alarm system thatsays hey, yo, yo, it's time to
heal.
Speaker 2 (08:20):
It's time to heal.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing,
bing, and they get louder andlouder and louder.
So let's break it down into howfemales have a mother wound and
a father wound, and then alsohow males have a mother and
father wound and what that lookslike.
Yeah, that's perfect, so you gofirst I'll do females, my
(08:41):
feminine tribe.
So for females, the motherwound is a wound that arises
from how a woman's mothermodeled femininity, emotional
expression, self-worth and love.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Now, this is interesting because, as moms out
there, as you're listening tothis, just know that what you
are doing with yourself and youractions are also being adopted
by your kids.
Yep, so this is veryinteresting For sure.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
So, whether you have a daughter or whether you are a
mom, like everybody needs thisinformation, not so that you can
feel bad about yourself.
So just get ready, take a deepbreath.
We're going to do some deepwork together and we're going to
love you through this.
But this is hard work and um,but it's the most important work
wound care, essentially, sofiguring out where you are
(09:34):
having the issue and so and andno judgment.
Like all of us have this.
Like all of us have theseunderlying wounds going on and
even if you've taken care ofthem, sometimes they come back.
You know, because it's likeconstant, constantly have to
care for them.
Okay, so Again, mother wound.
(09:55):
This wound arises from how awoman's mother models femininity
, emotional expression,self-worth and love, and the
core wounds may include feelingunlovable unless you're useful,
pretty or perfect, being shamedfor your emotions or sexuality,
competing with or beingcriticized by your mother,
(10:16):
taking on emotional caretakingof your mother.
And the common patterns arepeople-pleasing and over-giving,
suppressed feminine energy orcreativity, guilt for outshining
your mother, difficultytrusting other women.
Shadow behaviors are emotionalrepression, perfectionism,
(10:38):
self-betrayal and seekingmothering from romantic partners
.
So if any of that felt like, ohfuck, she's calling me out,
just know that that's all of us.
We're all experiencing thesewounds.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
If you're wounded, you're not alone.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
You're in good company, honey, and now father
wound.
For females, this wound formsaround how your father did or
did not show up through presence, protection, praise or
permission to be fully expressed.
Wounds may include emotionalabandonment or physical absence,
overcritical orover-controlling father,
(11:22):
unavailable or unsafe masculineenergy, receiving conditional
love based on achievement, andthe common patterns are
attracting emotionallyunavailable or dominant men
seeking validation throughperformance or sex, difficulty
trusting masculine leadership orprotection, and the shadow
behaviors are hyper-independenceor hyper-codependence and fear
(11:46):
of surrender or intimacy.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
That is a handful right there.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
That's not a pleasant bag.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
If I just scratched your wound right now.
Just know you were held, youwere loved.
We're going to get through thistogether.
Scratched your wound right now,just know you were held, you
were loved.
We're going to get through thistogether.
The best way to uncoversomething that has been causing
you pain is to pay attention toit.
Look at it so that we can dosome wound care.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
So the first part of it is the awareness.
So if, as you're listening, youare becoming more and more,
more and more aware of what'shappening, you're in the first
stage.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
Yes so correct.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
So jumping into the mother wound.
For males, this wound comesfrom how a man experienced the
feminine, often his mother'semotional regulation, her
boundaries and her connection tohis emotional needs.
So the core wounds may includeenmeshment, basically when the
mother relied on the son foremotional support instead of the
other way around being punishedor shamed for showing anger or
(12:50):
autonomy, over-nurturing orover-controlling mother.
There's some guilt aroundmasculine independence or
sexuality.
The common patterns are goingto be fear of disappointing a
woman, suppressing emotions oravoiding conflict, attracting,
(13:11):
controlling or overly emotionalpartners right, so again, you're
basically attracting who youwere raised by right, so it's
going to put you in the samenegative patterns.
The shadow behaviors, of course, are going to be your passive
masculinity right, rage,repression, and then you'll also
(13:32):
start getting into pornaddiction.
And then there's also thebehavior of mothering your
partner instead of polarizingwith them.
Right, so you are assuming thefeminine role versus claiming
your max masculinity.
Then there's a father woundright, so this is the foundation
of a man's sense of power.
Speaker 1 (13:53):
Wait, can we just pause, like if any of that felt
like it triggered you.
Any of that felt like, oh fuck,they found me out.
Or whatever the sensation comesin your body where sometimes
you get that hot feeling of like, oh God, I'm exposed.
Just know that that is justyour awareness and that you are
safe.
You are safe, you are held.
There's a path.
(14:14):
We're showing you the pathwaythrough.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
If you are fighting the urge to push, stop, because
this is too much.
It's okay, you can push, pause,yes, just keep going, because
this is going to be good for you.
Speaker 1 (14:25):
Okay, father wound.
Sorry to interrupt you.
Speaker 2 (14:27):
So, again, this is the foundation of a man's sense
of power, his purpose andidentity.
The father wound comes fromneglect, abuse, absence or
modeling of unhealthymasculinity, and that also comes
from the father.
The core wounds may includeemotional or physical abuse, a
lack of healthy male role modelwill you know?
(14:58):
That's just part of itrejection or comparison or
feeling not good enough as a man.
Right, the common patterns aregoing to be fear of failure or
inadequacy, trying to proveworth through success or
domination, or you're going tobe disconnected from your
purpose, your leadership or yourgrounded masculinity.
All that stuff will beflatlined.
(15:19):
The shadow behaviors are goingto be, of course, anger issues,
control issues and any type ofavoidance of commitment.
Right Another shadow behavioris over-identifying with the
hustle culture, or the exactopposite, being a lone wolf.
So basically, you're tappinginto two unhealthy patterns.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah.
Because, the hustle culture isall about force and not about
flow.
And the hustle culture is allabout I got to get this done.
I got to get this done, andthat is going to burn you out,
whether you're male or female.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
And the loner wolf basically means that you're
checking out, you'redisconnecting with the people
around you so that you can staysafe, when in fact you need to
get back into that, you need tohave those relationships healed
and the lone wolf basically hasyou pulling away and repressing
connectivity with the peoplearound you, right Like hiding,
(16:22):
basically not wanting to be seenand not wanting to be in the
pack, which is what wolves do.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Wolves are pack animals, exactly so.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
There's a quote from Dr Nicole Lepera, and she states
that "the relationships we formin childhood write the
blueprint for how we love andlead and respond to conflict as
adults?
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Yes, your triggers aren't the enemy, they are the
invitation.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
So if you felt the chills or you had a hot
sensation, or you felt exposedor you had that sensation where
you show up at school naked orwhatever came through for you
when we were talking about whatthe wounds are, I want you to
know that, yeah, that's justpart of being a human.
That's the playing field,that's where we are, and they're
not the enemy, they're theinvitation.
(17:12):
So whatever has happened to youhas also happened for you.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Exactly, exactly.
So if you're dealing, if you'renot dealing with a wound,
there's a good chance thatyou're not getting any closer to
your goals, right?
So, the more you address thosewounds, the closer you're going
to get to your goals, becauseyou're going to allow yourself
to actually reach them.
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Right, and right now we have a lot of people who are
in a nervous system shutdown andemotional dysregulation, which
we talked about on our previousepisodes.
And let's just talk about howemotional wounds lead to
dysregulation, because if youdon't check on the wound, then
(17:53):
you're going to have a very hardtime emotionally Correct
Because you'll be covering orhiding or numbing.
You'll be doing something.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
Yeah, you're not operating from a state of
balance.
Speaker 1 (18:05):
So unhealed wounds live in your nervous system, not
just in the mind.
They definitely live in themind we're going to cover that
next but they live in yournervous system.
When something in the presentreminds your body of a past
wound, it reacts, even if,logically, like you know, this
is not even close to the samesituation.
It's just that it triggers apart of your body that makes it
(18:28):
feel like it's the same.
But it's not.
Speaker 2 (18:30):
Yeah, it's almost as if you're paying the price of a
thousand fights in one fight.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
Right.
So an example would be like ifyou have an abandonment wound
and your partner needs space,your body may go into panic
fight, which is like clingflight, which is shut down or
leave and freeze, which is likenumb out, like go and distract
yourself with TV or get high orget super loaded on alcohol,
(19:02):
whatever you know the things,all the crutches.
That's emotional dysregulation.
When your nervous system isoverwhelmed and your response is
bigger than the moment callsfor, it's when you have that
real freak out moment and you'relike, oh fuck, what's wrong
with me?
It's that your nervous systemis responding to something that
has likely nothing to do withthe reality that you're
(19:24):
experiencing.
You lose your keys and 20minutes later your house is like
burnt down because you lostyour shit.
It's like you know, if somebodygets really close to you and
like your childhood, was peoplegetting in your face if somebody
gets really close to you, evenif they weren't aggressively
coming at you, you might reactby pushing them or doing
(19:48):
something very like whoa, wheredid that come from?
You know, shocking to the otherparty.
But that has nothing to do withthem, but it just has to do
with your emotionaldysregulation.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
I have something to admit to you.
I have emotional dysregulationtoward bouncers.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Oh, I know this, I know this.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I just want to let you know.
Speaker 1 (20:11):
That's authority.
Authority figured emotionaldysregulation.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Let a bouncer touch me and I'll just lose my shit.
Yeah, I've seen it.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I have receipts, Anyway.
So there's a neuroscienceconnection Like I said, we're
going to cover this that whenwounded, your amygdala, the
brain's alarm center, hijacksyour logical brain, your
prefrontal cortex, you go intosurvival mode, overreacting,
(20:42):
shutting down or losing yoursense of safety in the moment.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Hence fighting bouncers.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Hence fighting a bouncer.
If it is hysterical, it ishistorical Meaning.
If your emotional reaction isdisappropriate, it's likely tied
to some old wound and not justthe current event, like you've
seen people do this.
You probably have been guiltyof doing this Like it was like
(21:10):
what the fuck?
Where did that come from?
And it's just a part of youthat isn't fully healed and is
need some wound care.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
Yeah, so there is a regulated response and a
dysregulated response.
So let's talk about thosedifferences, right?
So a regulated response, so ofcourse there's going to be a
trigger, right?
So there's going to be atrigger and you'll either have a
dysregulated reaction or aregulated response.
So if a partner says a triggerwould be a partner would ask for
(21:40):
space and a dysregulated actionwould be, a reaction would be
the partner would panic or clingand kind of overreact, whereas
the regulated response would belike you know what I feel
vulnerable, but I trust our bond.
Space is okay.
Speaker 1 (21:57):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
That's a nice regulated response.
Another trigger would be anytype of criticism, right, so
criticism tends to happenregularly in most marriages.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
But it needs to be put in check Exactly.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
A dysregulated reaction to that would be
literally rage or shutting down,right?
You're talking about those twoextremes where a regulated
response would be you know, oh,that hurt.
Can we talk about it?
There's an open-endedconversation.
There's an invitation to learnand exchange more information.
Speaker 1 (22:33):
It also allows you to set a boundary.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Correct, that is correct.
Any type of disagreement.
That would be a trigger, and adysregulated response would, of
course, go straight intowithdrawal or yelling, right,
whereas the regulated responsewould look more like you know
what, honey, let's pause andlet's come back when we're more
grounded.
(22:55):
Right, you've made space in thefuture, but you realize that
right now is not the best timeto do so.
Right, but you realize thatright now is not the best time
to do so.
So, healing the wound allowsfor the nervous system to
regulate so you can respondinstead of react, and that's
where you want to be.
When you're having aconversation, you never want to
(23:16):
be in responding, you want to bein reacting.
You want to be in responding.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Yeah, so there's proactive responding and
dysregulated reacting Correct,and almost always your reactions
are coming from a place of aunhealed part of yourself, a
wound.
Sometimes it could be aboundary, but we'll talk more
about that.
(23:42):
But this triggers something inus, right, and your triggers are
not your truth.
They're just messengerspointing to the unhealed parts
of you.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
Like signposts.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yes, kill me, yep.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
Kill me, no problem.
Now, one thing about wounds isespecially in relationships,
males and females will bring indifferent symptoms based on
their wounds, right?
So that's something to say.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Yeah.
So here's how they show up inrelationships.
So the mother wound for females, the female response is
overgiving, guilt and distrustof women, and the male response
is guilt, fear of separation andemotional avoidance.
So the father wound showing upin women is attraction to
(24:31):
emotionally unavailable men,hyper-independence.
And then the male response isthe need to dominate or perform,
fear, failure, control issues.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
So what's interesting is what happens when both the
husband and wife have both maleand female wounds from their mom
and dad, right?
So then we're talking about allof those things coming into a
big pool within the relationship, right?
The overgiving, the guilt, thedistrust, the need to dominate,
(25:03):
to perform all the things youjust mentioned.
So if you are in a relationshipand you have all these wounds,
then this is how those woundsturn into relationship triggers,
right?
So the question is are alltriggers coming from wounds?
Speaker 1 (25:21):
No, but many triggers are wound activated.
Okay, so these are often tiedto early life experiences,
especially in childhood.
Trauma or unprocessed pain.
Examples would be feelingdismissed and that might trace
back to a parent who ignoredyour emotions.
Panic when someone needs space,and that's an abandonment wound
(25:44):
.
Rage when somebody criticizesyou that's a shame wound.
So yeah, they aren't alltriggers from wounds, but some
are.
Speaker 2 (25:56):
So these triggers are out of proportion to the moment
, because the nervous system isreacting to a historical imprint
, not the present, is reactingto a historical imprint, not the
present.
So there's a data point thatstates that in the Journal of
Marital and Family Therapyconfirmed that unresolved
parental trauma often predictsconflict styles and intimacy
(26:18):
breakdowns in adult romanticrelationships.
Yes, right.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
So here are some of the triggers that are not
wound-based.
Boundary violations would be anexample.
So you can be triggered whensomeone crosses a boundary and
it's not about a wound, it'sabout your inner compass saying
not right for me, no, thank you,or just no no-ho.
Like we said on our lastpodcast, the example would be
(26:44):
like somebody speaks over you.
You feel irritated, not becauseof trauma, but because you
value mutual respect.
Speaker 2 (26:51):
I'm speaking I'm speaking exactly.
Then there's, of course, valueconflicts, right?
So sometimes you're triggeredbecause your core values are
being challenged, not becauseyou are unhealed right?
So an example of that would beuh, you value honesty, but
someone lies to you, right, theanger isn't from a wound, it's
(27:11):
from integrity being compromisedright, and knowing the
difference is really helpful,because then you know you're not
like trying to look into yourpast and be like oh, was it this
?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
or you know like so.
This is why we're making thisdistinction.
Energetic incompatibility wouldbe another one.
So you may feel off or agitatedin someone's presence, not due
to past trauma, but because yournervous system detects
energetic misalignment,especially true for people who
are very sensitive to energy,like empaths and intuitives,
(27:45):
anybody with a spiritual ability.
They have a sensitivity to bearound certain energies and if
it's a no, it's a no.
And it doesn't have anything todo with their childhood.
It has to do with theirincompatible energy.
They're a mismatch.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
So let's talk about the difference between these
various triggers.
So you have your wound-basedtrigger, and the root cause for
those wound-based triggers aregoing to be past trauma or unmet
childhood needs, and the besthealing path for that, of course
, is going to be your innerchild work and some somatic
healing.
There's all kinds of thingsthat you can do in regards to
(28:25):
that.
Speaker 1 (28:25):
There's guided meditations that you have, that
we have free on the podcast, souse those.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Then you have your boundary-based trigger right and
the root cause usually is goingto be there's a disrespect.
In the present moment it'sactually happening right and the
best healing path is going tobe clarified.
So you could ask someclarifying questions while you
are enforcing your boundaries.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Yep and also clarifying that this is my
boundary.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Exactly.
Then you have your value-basedtriggers, so conflict with
personal value.
So if someone comes into yourspace and you are a vegetarian
and they're meat eaters, they'reeating a turkey leg Right.
Then you're going to have toheal it.
You're going to have to havesome value alignment with some
(29:19):
positive communication, and thenyou have your energetic or your
environmental triggers.
So this is sensory or energeticoverload.
You can go to a conference, youknow, you can be in a room
where someone's speaking andit's just like too much Right.
So to heal from that, do alittle bit of nervous system
(29:40):
care and a little bit morediscernment meaning like choose
whether or not you want to go tothat heavy metal concert.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Or if you don't drink and don't smoke and don't rage
anymore and you get invited togo to Vegas.
That's where you would be likeoh, discernment, I don't think
that's a match for me anymore.
I don't know.
Let me think of what that wouldbe like with people who are
drinkers, smokers, ragers, etcetera.
Speaker 2 (30:10):
The thing about triggers is that triggers are
teachers.
They're not just trauma, right?
They're pointing to what'sstill tender, unclear or
non-negotiable for you.
Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yes, absolutely.
So here's the fun part let'sflip these fucking triggers,
right?
Okay, we're going to flip thetrigger, we're going to turn the
wounds into connection pointsand really what we're going to
do is turn your trigger to turnon reframes, uh-oh.
So here's what we're going todo.
I'm going to give an exampleand I'm going to give you how I
(30:44):
flipped it and then also theresult.
And then you want to do one,yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Cool.
Speaker 1 (30:49):
Okay, so this will help you embody.
Embody what you've just learnedabout wound care.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Taking information.
Turn that information intoaction.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
Yes.
So here's your example triggeryou never listened to me can be
flipped into a turn-on and itcould be feeling fully witnessed
and safe to express for bothpartners.
So, whether it's a male orfemale saying you never listen
to me, what's really happeningis for the feminine energy.
(31:20):
The feminine energy oftencraves presence, emotional
validation and space to feelwithout being fixed, and the
masculine energy often longs tobe heard with appreciation,
without being judged ormicromanaged.
So how I flipped it is you cancreate a sacred expressing
(31:41):
ritual.
So this could look like whenthe feminine expresses, they get
three minutes to share emotion,experience or a desire and the
listener stays in full presence.
No fixing, no feedback, justfeeling them, just feeling the
energy.
When the masculine expresses,they get three minutes to do the
(32:01):
same.
They get to voice what they'rebuilding, navigating or wanting
to be acknowledged for, and thelistener brings warmth, respect
and nurturing attention.
No dismissing, no correcting,just honoring.
The result is that this willthen build mutual safety and
erotic polarity.
Speaker 2 (32:22):
Did you say erotic polarity?
Speaker 1 (32:24):
Yes, because the feminine, once the feminine
feels seen and safe, themasculine then would also feel
respected and empowered in thisinterchange and the intimacy
then will deepen on bothemotional and energetic levels.
And what happens is that itthen becomes like a turn on, it
becomes ritualized into like, oh, we're not just bitching, it's
(32:46):
like, no, we're going to holdspace together and make the
other person feel fullywitnessed and safe to express.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
So what you're saying is a trigger isn't a problem,
it is a possibility.
Speaker 1 (33:01):
It's a possibility.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Oh, okay, well, I got another example, okay, so
trigger to turn on.
The trigger is you neverinitiate intimacy anymore.
That's a good trigger, right?
The turn on is the ability toreclaim erotic tension through
playful polarity and sharedseduction.
Speaker 1 (33:20):
So here's what's really happening.
Speaker 2 (33:22):
Right.
So one partner often the femalefeels unwanted or unseen,
craving to be desired, withoutalways initiating.
Speaker 1 (33:31):
Yes, spoiler alert Women like to be hunted.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
That is correct.
Now the other partner, oftenthe masculine, may feel rejected
, burdened or unsure how toapproach, fearing they will do
it wrong or be turned down Right.
So it kind of goes both ways.
Now.
This cycle breeds resentment,shutdown or a loss of polarity.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Which means that both of you are acting either
masculine or wounded, masculineor immature masculine, or both
of you are acting out a wound asfeminine.
Exactly, yeah, so like you bothare.
There's no polarity.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
You have slipped out of divinity, and now you are in
a mesh of madness.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
A mesh of madness, a mesh of madness.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
So here's how we flipped it, right we created
mystery nights, which is like anintentional seduction ritual,
right?
So each week we'll take turnsinitiating intimacy, but we'll
do it in character, right?
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Or just embodied in something.
Speaker 2 (34:33):
Yeah, exactly, it's not necessarily even role play.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
It's just like, but it could be.
It's not even necessarily roleplay.
Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
So one week it's the soft, sensual siren who leads
the moon, like Zuri will come inand you'd be all flowy and
she'll have a little look in hereye.
I'm like, oh goodness, okay, soit's her turn.
And then I'll be like, okay, sonext time I gotta bring it.
So the next it's the confident,commanding partner who sets the
scene.
I'll walk in with jeans and ashirt off and we're good to go
(35:01):
right.
So, uh, we use music, we useoutfits, candlelight, playful
themes to create some tension,humor and anticipation, and it's
the anticipation that alsobrings polarity.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
Right, you don't know if I'm showing up in boots and
a whip.
Speaker 2 (35:18):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (35:19):
Exactly, or you know, just like a flowy dress,
massage oil and candles.
A flowy dress, okay, right.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
So why it worked?
Simple, right.
The feminine energy is desired.
She felt desired, safe tosurrender, uh and and be
creatively expressive.
And the masculine energy feltwelcomed to lead, celebrate for
initiating and then feelsexually alive.
So both partners experiencednew facets of themselves and
(35:51):
each other, reviving polarity,play and passion.
Now that comes from a triggerright, so there is a possibility
in a problem.
So for me, when I stoppedthinking that I needed to defend
myself and started listeningwith presence, our connection
grew right in front of my eyes.
Speaker 1 (36:10):
Yes, and I would say that the space that you created
by creating a container that wassacred, authentic, monogamous
and safe, that's when I becomeeven more sensual and even more
turned on, and so you cantrigger somebody into a positive
place.
Speaker 2 (36:29):
Correct, again triggers are treasures.
Speaker 1 (36:34):
Yes, use them so that's a great segue, by the way
to our game, which is triggertreasure or turn on oh, trigger
Trigger.
Speaker 2 (36:44):
Treasure Turn on.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Oh, that was awesome.
I love when we don't practicethese things and then we both
just nerd out together.
Okay, so here's how to play.
I'm going to read ahypothetical relationship
behavior.
Speaker 2 (37:01):
I like hypotheticals.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Yes, I know you do.
You love them.
And then the guesses will be isit a trigger, a treasure or a
turn-on?
A trigger meaning an unhealedwound or pattern being activated
.
A treasure which is a consciousreframe or glimmer leading to
deeper intimacy, polarity andhealing like doing the inner
work.
It just has so many pots of goldright, or maybe it's a turn-on
(37:25):
and it creates the exactpolarity that makes you want to
rip their clothes off.
We're going to discuss where itleads and it will have like a
we'll do a short deeper dive,just so you can also fully
understand this.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
So let's start you ready for this, I'm down.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I'm ready, I'm going to give you the behavior or the
phrase and and you're going tosay trigger treasure or turn on,
okay, it also could be allthree.
Got it?
Okay, I need space tonight.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Definitely a trigger.
I need space tonight.
I would say it's a trigger anda treasure.
It might actually be all three.
I mean, I think that there'sspace for that.
Speaker 1 (38:10):
I think it triggers the fear of abandonment.
It is a treasure because itcultivates sovereignty, and it
could be a turn on as you createsome kind of anticipation for
reunion.
Ah so all three, all three.
Speaker 2 (38:28):
I need some space tonight.
What about tomorrow night?
Speaker 1 (38:30):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (38:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Okay, You're too emotional.
Is that a trigger, treasure orturn on?
Speaker 2 (38:37):
It's not a turn on and it's not a treasure.
I'm going to go for a trigger.
Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, I would say that's a trigger because it's a
judgment of the person'semotional expression, and but
you could reframe it as shaktiembodiment oh yeah so I mean
there's an opportunity, but it'sit's a trigger.
Anytime you're being criticalwith a judgment statement,
you're not asking for a goodtime.
The turn off it's the oppositeof a turn on.
(39:07):
Okay, so I planned our weekendgetaway.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Is that a treasure?
Speaker 1 (39:13):
or a turn on.
Speaker 2 (39:13):
That is most certainly a treasure and a turn
on.
I mean you're creating, I meanA it's nice in the moment and
also you're creating someanticipation that you're talking
about.
Speaker 1 (39:25):
Yeah, so if it was the male, you know making the
time, it would be like masculineleadership.
It's very sexy because it showsdevotion and direction.
So it's definitely a treasureand a turn on All right.
Speaker 2 (39:39):
I will say, though, if I came up to you and I said I
planned our weekend getaway,you would want to check my work,
you're not wrong, but Iwouldn't check your work.
Speaker 1 (39:52):
You are so not wrong.
No lies told.
Speaker 2 (39:57):
Where are we going, Mike?
What is this?
What is this, Mike?
I plan our weekend giveaway.
Oh great, I'll pack my bags.
Where are we going?
So it all depends on who'ssaying it.
You know what I?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
would.
I would like to lean fully intomy feminine and trust you to
plan a weekend getaway.
You just have to at least tellme what to pack.
That's the hard part, right?
Yeah, okay.
So another one would be why doyou always have to be right?
Speaker 2 (40:25):
Trigger.
Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yes, this turns into a power struggle.
Every time Not nine times outof ten, Ten out of ten.
Every time.
You can turn it into a treasureby taking the opportunity for
conscious communication.
You can be like hey, I justnoticed, we did this.
Is there something we couldapproach this in a better way?
You can turn it into a turn onby polarity, Like you know,
(40:50):
polarity restoration.
We want to call it aka makeupsex.
Speaker 2 (40:54):
I gotta Tell that to me.
Say, why do you always have tobe right?
Speaker 1 (40:58):
Why do you always have to be right?
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Because I have to be right in order to be next to you
.
Polarity, right.
You want to take my pants off,right?
Speaker 1 (41:08):
I liked it.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Okay, I approve what's the stamp of?
Speaker 1 (41:11):
approval um.
I lit candles and ran a bathfor you treasure and turn on and
maybe even a trigger.
But a positive trigger.
A positive trigger positivetrigger um, yeah, because it's
nourishment.
Nourishment for the feminineand sensual support.
But also, if I ran a bath foryou, you'd be like, oh, she's
(41:31):
worried about me, so you wouldfeel like I was nurturing you.
It builds trust and softnessbetween the partnership.
Speaker 2 (41:39):
Exactly, and when you make a bath for me, the first
thought is oh, it's about to godown.
Speaker 1 (41:44):
Yeah, I was just thinking like if the bath is
made, so is his bed.
Speaker 2 (41:49):
Oh, there we go, I like that.
Okay, last one.
Speaker 1 (41:54):
You're acting just like your mother or father.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Oh, that's a major trigger, general major trigger.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
Nobody wants to hear that because we're all hoping to
break cycles and also, even ifyour parents are amazing like
mine, you don't want to hearthat you're acting out some of
their negative behaviors, whicheveryone has.
It's wound activation so youcan reframe it with softness to
find the treasure and use theopportunity to explore inherited
(42:22):
patterns with compassion, like,oh, I see how this is replaying
itself and you can encouragesome cycle breaking and make a
commitment to more to embody itmore.
Speaker 2 (42:34):
A way to flip that would be you're acting just like
your mother or father, and myresponse would be thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Speaker 1 (42:53):
You can go both ways, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, it can go both ways.
Thank you.
So somatic psychology researchfrom Peter Levine's work shows
that somatic release andco-regulation improves
attachment repair and relationaltrust.
Speaker 2 (43:02):
Well, intimacy isn't built in comfort, it's built in
repair.
That comes from good old MarkRose.
I like that.
It's built in repair right.
So if you are having intimacyissues, that means you have the
ability to repair those.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
Yes, right.
Speaker 2 (43:18):
To strengthen it.
Speaker 1 (43:19):
Yeah, and there's many, so many healing practices
that we could help you with,with wound care, and really the
best way to do that, of course,is to work with someone who's
going to help you.
And if you're in a relationshipand you love this episode or it
awakens something within you,share it with a partner or a
(43:41):
friend, somebody who's ready toflip the script on triggers and
co-create healing love.
And if you want our support,you can fill out our application
to work with us.
If you're in a relationship orif you're not in a relationship
and looking to attract arelationship, we don't have a
spot for everyone, but if we'rein alignment, we're here for you
(44:03):
.
Speaker 2 (44:03):
We have a spot for you if you're in alignment.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
Yes, and the link is in our show notes, if you want
to do that, because we want tohelp you turn your wounds into
wisdom and your triggers intotreasures and hopefully, whoever
you partner up with, they'regoing to turn it into a turn on
honey.
Oh yeah, so a couple of journalprompts to close with for this
week.
Question of the week.
You have one.
Speaker 2 (44:25):
I have one, okay, okay.
What wound still shows up foryou today?
Speaker 1 (44:32):
Okay, I have one.
What did you reframe as a turnon?
Oh, okay, I like that.
You like that, I like that.
Speaker 2 (44:43):
So funny thought, so wounds after this conversation.
Wounds are wonderful, yeah,they are open avenues to bring
in more love.
With that said, Zuri.
Speaker 1 (44:56):
He's touching me.
This is bad.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
Will you kiss my cut?
Speaker 1 (45:02):
Kiss your cut Will you lick my laceration?
Speaker 2 (45:05):
No, will you mash my gash?
Will you lick my laceration?
No, will you mash my gash?
Will you tug my trauma?
Or will you bang out my boo-boo?
What?
Speaker 1 (45:18):
Did you write these down?
Speaker 2 (45:19):
Which one do you like the best Wait?
Speaker 1 (45:20):
did these come from here?
I need to know this.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
Oh, this is me.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Did you write this down this?
Speaker 2 (45:24):
is all me.
Speaker 1 (45:25):
Okay, then say them again.
Speaker 2 (45:27):
Kiss my cut.
Okay.
Is that a turn on?
Speaker 1 (45:30):
No.
Speaker 2 (45:30):
Trigger Turn on, it's funny.
Speaker 1 (45:31):
You know what I do like to laugh, and so it turns
me on when you make me laugh.
Speaker 2 (45:36):
So yes, so kiss my.
Speaker 1 (45:37):
cut you like that one Lick my laceration uh, mash my
gash, mash, mash, mash, mash mygosh.
Like what are you talking about?
Mash, like, like mashing andmovement you just made.
Speaker 2 (45:56):
Okay, mash my gash uh-huh, tug my trauma that's
standard right and bang out myboo-boo I think bang out, my
boo-boo is just so delicious,honey, if you said if you came
to me and you were justdistraught and you were full of
trauma and you said, dude, youneed to bang out my boo-boo, I'd
be like I got you, honey, I gotyou.
Speaker 1 (46:16):
I probably would say something more like I need
medicine, man, right now, Notjust outside, but inside.
Can you help me?
That's probably how I would sayit.
I don't know if I'd be like,hey, can you bash out my boo-boo
.
Speaker 2 (46:30):
Bash out my boo-boo.
That's pretty good too.
Speaker 1 (46:32):
What was it Bang?
Speaker 2 (46:33):
out.
Speaker 1 (46:33):
Oh, bang out.
Speaker 2 (46:35):
I already got it wrong, yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
All right, I think that's a good place to stop.
Speaker 2 (46:43):
It's good times.
Speaker 1 (46:44):
Sending you the highest vibrations.
Speaker 2 (46:46):
You are held.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
You are loved.
Speaker 2 (46:48):
Even your wounds.
Speaker 1 (46:50):
Even, especially, your wounds.
You're great as you are, comeas you are.
Wounds are wonderful.
Wounds can be full ofopportunities to build wisdom.
Speaker 2 (47:03):
Love beyond the wound .
Speaker 1 (47:05):
Love beyond the wound .
Love beyond the wound.
Okay, that's enough.
Bash out your boo-boo.
Bang out, bang out.
Keep getting it wrong.
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