May 15, 2025 • 16 mins
Navigating protective orders can be overwhelming—especially when you're dealing with the trauma of abuse. In this episode, I break down what these legal tools can (and can’t) do, how to qualify, and what kind of evidence you’ll need. We’ll talk about their powers, their limits, and why safety planning beyond the courtroom is essential. Whether you're seeking protection or supporting someone who is, this episode gives you the key info to take that next step with confidence.
Disclaimer: This video is for general informational purposes only. It does not constitute legal advice, and it does not create an attorney-client relationship. If you have a specific legal issue, reach out to a qualified attorney in your area.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Heather Tessmer (00:04):
You are listening to the Ever Argue With
A Woman podcast and I amHeather Tessmer.
Hi everyone, it's HeatherTessmer again.
Today, we are going to talkabout protective orders and how
do you know when you need one.
So I want to go through a fewthings, because there is
(00:27):
actually a fairly high burden toget a protective order, and a
lot of people come to us and saythey want one when they
actually don't have thenecessary evidence to get one.
So let's just go through someof the basic principles of
(00:47):
protective orders.
So if you have been a victim ofviolence, stalking or sexual
assault, you can apply for acourt order to keep your abuser
away from you.
You can do this by applying fora protective order, and this
can sometimes be done throughthe police department or the
(01:10):
district attorney's office, orif you come to us.
A lot of family law attorneysdo protective orders.
Once you hire a privateattorney, though, a lot of the
district attorneys will stop andallow your private attorney to
handle it for you.
There are different kinds ofprotective orders that are out
(01:33):
there, and so we're going totalk about these different
scenarios, but let's talk aboutwhat a protective order can do
for you to keep your abuser away.
So one thing for sure they arenot going to be allowed to hurt,
threaten or harass you or yourchildren, either directly or
(01:55):
through other people.
So that's what it says on thispiece of paper that you're going
to get from the court.
And the problem is you'regetting a piece of paper and if
you have a crazy person afteryou, a piece of paper is not
going to stop them.
So just be aware that you'reprotected, but you're not.
(02:15):
So you need to still take careof yourself.
You need to be ready to call911.
And then, at least with theprotective order, they will get
arrested.
If they break what's ordered,they are going to be ordered to
stay away from you.
Usually, there is an exact areathat they are to stay out of.
Typically it's your home, yourworkplace, your children's
(02:39):
school, if there's a daycare, orif your children even have a
workplace.
They're usually ordered to stayaway If they have a protective
order.
They are not allowed to carryhandguns or any kind of gun or
have them in their homes.
They are not allowed to trackor monitor your personal
(03:00):
property or your car or anymembers of your family or
household, and they are not, ofcourse, allowed to physically
follow you either.
The judge can also order thatyour cell phone be separated
from the family plan so he can'ttrack that, or she I'm saying
he, but it can go both ways Withthis protective order, even
(03:24):
though it hasn't been pled forwith a SAPSER.
They can order that childsupport be paid or medical
support be paid.
They can set terms forvisitation with the children.
Sometimes a protective orderwill be ordered to protect you
but not the children.
A lot of these abusers are onlyactively abusive with their
(03:46):
spouses and not necessarily withthe kids.
Sometimes that changes, though,when the spouse is no longer
there to be beat on.
Then sometimes these abuserswill turn to the children.
So we do have to be verycautious with that.
The judge can also order angermanagement classes, drug testing
If it's warranted.
(04:09):
They can be ordered to go totreatment centers or programs.
They can order that theoffender be kicked out of the
home.
We call that a kick-out orderand a lot of these protective
orders that we do.
We'll go in and get them fromthe judge before they even know
(04:30):
that we're there.
We get the kickout order andhave the sheriff or police
officers go over to your homeand order him out of the house
and that's what we call a kickout and then he's no longer
allowed to come into the homeafter that.
So how do you get a protectiveorder?
(04:50):
So with us, you would come tous and tell us he's put his
hands on me.
I need a protective order.
We would gather your evidence,get ready for the hearing.
We would need an affidavit fromyou.
We would produce a applicationfor a protective order with an
(05:12):
order, and part of thatapplication is your affidavit.
We would go in front of a judge.
Having you available A lot ofthis time now we can do this by
Zoom.
The judge is supposed to look atour evidence and our pleadings
just on the paperwork only anddecide whether or not he or she
(05:33):
is going to order thatprotective order.
They tend to be very cautiouswhen it's a kickout and often
will ask you to come in andtestify that this is all true
and as to what's been going on.
When it's not a kick-out order,they don't normally expect that
(05:53):
.
So it just depends on exactlywhat we're asking for as to how
active you will have to be whenwe go in there and ask for that
protective order and then, ifit's granted, then we have to
take that protective order.
We have to go to all of thepolice stations, sheriff's
department, and make sure thatthey know about it, that we give
(06:15):
them a correct description ofwhoever the protective order is
against, and then they areconscious of it, aware of it,
and so if you have to call them,they are aware that that
protective order is active.
There are ways to do thisyourself.
It is kind of involved.
(06:36):
So if I wasn't a lawyer, I'mnot sure that I would do this by
myself.
Some of, like I said, thepolice departments do have
people that can help you whenyou're in an abusive
relationship.
Sometimes you think this isnormal.
When it's not, so you have tobe strong enough to step outside
(06:58):
and realize that this is not agood place for you, and
sometimes being beat up once isnot enough to realize that, and
I know that.
But sometimes these policeofficers don't and sometimes
these judges don't.
It always helps if you havetangible evidence.
So we need pictures, we needvideo, audio.
(07:23):
The more the better, and I also.
I have been doing this for somany years that I realized that
a lot of the times you alsowon't call the police, or if you
try to call the police, you getbeat up worse.
So I understand that.
But if you do have policereports, sometimes that will
(07:44):
also help you get a protectiveorder a little bit easier.
What happens is then you end upwith a protective order that is
what we call an ex parte orderand these can last up to 20 days
order.
That is what we call an exparte order, and these can last
up to 20 days.
Typically, when we go in andget this order, the judge is
going to set a hearing withinthose 20 days and so we're going
(08:06):
to have to come back and youare going to have to be in a
courtroom with your abuser andyou are going to have to testify
against them and you're goingto have to show your evidence to
the judge and then the judge isgoing to make a decision
whether or not a regularprotective order gets put in
place or not, and this regularprotective order can last two
(08:26):
years and then for some offensesit can actually be a lifetime
protective order.
They start with the two-yearprotective order and then if
something happens, like if theybreak the protective order or if
it's for the certain, like forsexual assault, then they can
(08:47):
get the lifetime protectiveorders.
So what kind of people can youget a protective order against?
So anybody that's related toyou by blood.
Anyone that you are currentlyliving with or that you have
lived with in the past.
Anyone that you have had achild with.
Anyone that you are currentlymarried to or have been divorced
(09:12):
from.
Anyone that you currently haveor have had a dating
relationship with.
Someone you have had athird-party relationship with
because of your prior datingrelationship or marriage to.
Someone currently dating ormarried to that person.
And someone who has beenstalking you or who has sexually
(09:35):
assaulted you or, if God forbid, anybody has trafficked you.
So the laws changed, actuallyfairly recently, and so for a
protective order, all the lawrequires is that you prove that
family violence has occurred.
So it used to be.
(09:56):
You also had to prove that it'slikely to occur in the future.
That's no longer required.
So it's easier for the victimsto get a protective order, and
you don't have to show thatyou're scared that it'll happen
(10:16):
again, because a lot of thetimes you would get a protective
order.
You kick him out of the house.
Well, now he's no longer around.
So what are you scared of?
Obviously, he's not going to beable to get to you, so it's not
likely to occur in the future.
So you really don't need aprotective order as long as he's
ordered out of the house, rightWrong.
These protective ordersactually do help, and some of
(10:39):
these people who tend to beabusers also tend to be little
chicken shits and so oncethey're ordered to stay away
from you, they sometimes will,unless they're the psychopathic
type, all right.
So I'm going to just list outsome evidence that might
commonly be helpful if you aregoing to do a protective order
(11:03):
application.
So if you have any of this,it's great.
If you don't, if something everhappens to you again, maybe you
can get it.
Happens to you again, maybe youcan get it.
So, obviously, police reports.
(11:23):
Or if you don't have the report, then whatever the case number
is, so that your attorney canget it for you.
If you've not made a policereport, you can always make one,
even though it's after the fact, but usually it's more helpful
if it's done fairly close to theactual incident.
Any photos of your injuries, anycopies of electronic
(11:45):
communications between you andthe person you are filing
against.
A lot of the times these peoplewill have remorse and they will
say I'm so sorry and I didn'tmean to do it, or anything like
that, that you can get out ofthem, will say I'm so sorry and
I didn't mean to do it, oranything like that, that you can
get out of them Any letters youreceived from them, any video
(12:07):
or audio recordings that youmight have, obviously a current
address if they're not actuallyliving with you, and any
identification that you mightknow or have for them.
So protective orders are notautomatic and we've had some
that we were sure we were goingto get be turned down.
So when you go in for aprotective order, it's kind of
(12:27):
like poking the bear.
You really want to make surethat you're going to get it,
because you're just going topiss these people off even more
and if there's nothing stoppingthem from coming at you, they
might come at you even worse.
So we really will push to makesure that you're able to get up
(12:48):
there on the stand and testifyto these things and that we have
the best evidence that we canto go after them.
Also, some counties do havevictims advocates that will help
.
So if you don't use a privateattorney, these victims
advocates will help interviewyou, gather the information, the
evidence, and get you ready totestify, just as a private
(13:10):
attorney might.
How long does it take to get aprotective order?
I think it just depends on whoyou're using.
So if you go through a policedepartment or the district
attorney's office, they might beable to do a quick turnaround,
depending on who's available,what people they have on staff,
(13:31):
what kind of busyness they'rehaving for that day.
If you come to a personal likea family law attorney, it's
going to depend on same kind ofstuff how many attorneys are
available to draft.
How long is it going to takeyou to turn around your
affidavit?
We're going to need your story.
(13:52):
You're going to have to writeit down, so you might as well
start Even if you aren't readyto come now.
Let's get your story down onpaper so that it's ready when
you're ready.
So we want to know for aprotective order the first time
that abuse happened and tell usthe history up until the latest
(14:16):
incident so that we'll be readyto go.
And then usually your attorneywill then edit it to make sure
that it's the best that it canpossibly be, as we attach it to
our application for theprotective order, because it's
your testimony that this isgoing to turn on.
When we go in there for the exparte protective order, you are
(14:38):
going to have to go to court,you are going to have to be able
to testify in front of yourabuser, and it's the best
evidence that we have tocontinue the protective order.
Lifetime final protectiveorders can be given for sexual
assault, stalking and humantrafficking, but usually they're
(14:59):
given for a two-year period andfor the first time that's
usually when the protectiveorders start.
It also takes time, so mostattorneys bill by the hour and
so the more organized you are,the more ready you are.
(15:23):
The more organized you are, themore ready you are.
The more evidence that you havewhen you come in to consult with
the attorneys for thisprotective order, the easier it
will be to prepare yourapplication for protective order
, meaning the less attorney timeit will take to create.
So keep that in mind and so, asyou get ready for this
protective order, haveeverything organized and ready
to go and have your story readyand so we can get your affidavit
(15:47):
together and if that's the case, it may be a matter of hours
and we would be able to get yourprotective order before a judge
.
Typically we do need to do itduring regular working hours.
Every once in a while theremight be a judge available after
hours, but it's asking a bigfavor to bug a judge after hours
(16:11):
.
So typically we tell most ofour clients that if something's
happening after hours, call 911,get the police involved, and if
you have somebody that's anabuser, don't be scared to call
911.
It's okay and that's whatthey're there for and you need
(16:34):
to protect yourself.
So let us know if you're readyfor a protective order.
And that's it for today and seeyou next time.
You are listening to the Ever Argue With
A Woman podcast and I amHeather Tessmer.
Hi everyone, it's HeatherTessmer again.
Today, we are going to talkabout protective orders and how
do you know when you need one.
So I want to go through a fewthings, because there is
(00:27):
actually a fairly high burden toget a protective order, and a
lot of people come to us and saythey want one when they
actually don't have thenecessary evidence to get one.
So let's just go through someof the basic principles of
(00:47):
protective orders.
So if you have been a victim ofviolence, stalking or sexual
assault, you can apply for acourt order to keep your abuser
away from you.
You can do this by applying fora protective order, and this
can sometimes be done throughthe police department or the
(01:10):
district attorney's office, orif you come to us.
A lot of family law attorneysdo protective orders.
Once you hire a privateattorney, though, a lot of the
district attorneys will stop andallow your private attorney to
handle it for you.
There are different kinds ofprotective orders that are out
(01:33):
there, and so we're going totalk about these different
scenarios, but let's talk aboutwhat a protective order can do
for you to keep your abuser away.
So one thing for sure they arenot going to be allowed to hurt,
threaten or harass you or yourchildren, either directly or
(01:55):
through other people.
So that's what it says on thispiece of paper that you're going
to get from the court.
And the problem is you'regetting a piece of paper and if
you have a crazy person afteryou, a piece of paper is not
going to stop them.
So just be aware that you'reprotected, but you're not.
(02:15):
So you need to still take careof yourself.
You need to be ready to call911.
And then, at least with theprotective order, they will get
arrested.
If they break what's ordered,they are going to be ordered to
stay away from you.
Usually, there is an exact areathat they are to stay out of.
Typically it's your home, yourworkplace, your children's
(02:39):
school, if there's a daycare, orif your children even have a
workplace.
They're usually ordered to stayaway If they have a protective
order.
They are not allowed to carryhandguns or any kind of gun or
have them in their homes.
They are not allowed to trackor monitor your personal
(03:00):
property or your car or anymembers of your family or
household, and they are not, ofcourse, allowed to physically
follow you either.
The judge can also order thatyour cell phone be separated
from the family plan so he can'ttrack that, or she I'm saying
he, but it can go both ways Withthis protective order, even
(03:24):
though it hasn't been pled forwith a SAPSER.
They can order that childsupport be paid or medical
support be paid.
They can set terms forvisitation with the children.
Sometimes a protective orderwill be ordered to protect you
but not the children.
A lot of these abusers are onlyactively abusive with their
(03:46):
spouses and not necessarily withthe kids.
Sometimes that changes, though,when the spouse is no longer
there to be beat on.
Then sometimes these abuserswill turn to the children.
So we do have to be verycautious with that.
The judge can also order angermanagement classes, drug testing
If it's warranted.
(04:09):
They can be ordered to go totreatment centers or programs.
They can order that theoffender be kicked out of the
home.
We call that a kick-out orderand a lot of these protective
orders that we do.
We'll go in and get them fromthe judge before they even know
(04:30):
that we're there.
We get the kickout order andhave the sheriff or police
officers go over to your homeand order him out of the house
and that's what we call a kickout and then he's no longer
allowed to come into the homeafter that.
So how do you get a protectiveorder?
(04:50):
So with us, you would come tous and tell us he's put his
hands on me.
I need a protective order.
We would gather your evidence,get ready for the hearing.
We would need an affidavit fromyou.
We would produce a applicationfor a protective order with an
(05:12):
order, and part of thatapplication is your affidavit.
We would go in front of a judge.
Having you available A lot ofthis time now we can do this by
Zoom.
The judge is supposed to look atour evidence and our pleadings
just on the paperwork only anddecide whether or not he or she
(05:33):
is going to order thatprotective order.
They tend to be very cautiouswhen it's a kickout and often
will ask you to come in andtestify that this is all true
and as to what's been going on.
When it's not a kick-out order,they don't normally expect that
(05:53):
.
So it just depends on exactlywhat we're asking for as to how
active you will have to be whenwe go in there and ask for that
protective order and then, ifit's granted, then we have to
take that protective order.
We have to go to all of thepolice stations, sheriff's
department, and make sure thatthey know about it, that we give
(06:15):
them a correct description ofwhoever the protective order is
against, and then they areconscious of it, aware of it,
and so if you have to call them,they are aware that that
protective order is active.
There are ways to do thisyourself.
It is kind of involved.
(06:36):
So if I wasn't a lawyer, I'mnot sure that I would do this by
myself.
Some of, like I said, thepolice departments do have
people that can help you whenyou're in an abusive
relationship.
Sometimes you think this isnormal.
When it's not, so you have tobe strong enough to step outside
(06:58):
and realize that this is not agood place for you, and
sometimes being beat up once isnot enough to realize that, and
I know that.
But sometimes these policeofficers don't and sometimes
these judges don't.
It always helps if you havetangible evidence.
So we need pictures, we needvideo, audio.
(07:23):
The more the better, and I also.
I have been doing this for somany years that I realized that
a lot of the times you alsowon't call the police, or if you
try to call the police, you getbeat up worse.
So I understand that.
But if you do have policereports, sometimes that will
(07:44):
also help you get a protectiveorder a little bit easier.
What happens is then you end upwith a protective order that is
what we call an ex parte orderand these can last up to 20 days
order.
That is what we call an exparte order, and these can last
up to 20 days.
Typically, when we go in andget this order, the judge is
going to set a hearing withinthose 20 days and so we're going
(08:06):
to have to come back and youare going to have to be in a
courtroom with your abuser andyou are going to have to testify
against them and you're goingto have to show your evidence to
the judge and then the judge isgoing to make a decision
whether or not a regularprotective order gets put in
place or not, and this regularprotective order can last two
(08:26):
years and then for some offensesit can actually be a lifetime
protective order.
They start with the two-yearprotective order and then if
something happens, like if theybreak the protective order or if
it's for the certain, like forsexual assault, then they can
(08:47):
get the lifetime protectiveorders.
So what kind of people can youget a protective order against?
So anybody that's related toyou by blood.
Anyone that you are currentlyliving with or that you have
lived with in the past.
Anyone that you have had achild with.
Anyone that you are currentlymarried to or have been divorced
(09:12):
from.
Anyone that you currently haveor have had a dating
relationship with.
Someone you have had athird-party relationship with
because of your prior datingrelationship or marriage to.
Someone currently dating ormarried to that person.
And someone who has beenstalking you or who has sexually
(09:35):
assaulted you or, if God forbid, anybody has trafficked you.
So the laws changed, actuallyfairly recently, and so for a
protective order, all the lawrequires is that you prove that
family violence has occurred.
So it used to be.
(09:56):
You also had to prove that it'slikely to occur in the future.
That's no longer required.
So it's easier for the victimsto get a protective order, and
you don't have to show thatyou're scared that it'll happen
(10:16):
again, because a lot of thetimes you would get a protective
order.
You kick him out of the house.
Well, now he's no longer around.
So what are you scared of?
Obviously, he's not going to beable to get to you, so it's not
likely to occur in the future.
So you really don't need aprotective order as long as he's
ordered out of the house, rightWrong.
These protective ordersactually do help, and some of
(10:39):
these people who tend to beabusers also tend to be little
chicken shits and so oncethey're ordered to stay away
from you, they sometimes will,unless they're the psychopathic
type, all right.
So I'm going to just list outsome evidence that might
commonly be helpful if you aregoing to do a protective order
(11:03):
application.
So if you have any of this,it's great.
If you don't, if something everhappens to you again, maybe you
can get it.
Happens to you again, maybe youcan get it.
So, obviously, police reports.
(11:23):
Or if you don't have the report, then whatever the case number
is, so that your attorney canget it for you.
If you've not made a policereport, you can always make one,
even though it's after the fact, but usually it's more helpful
if it's done fairly close to theactual incident.
Any photos of your injuries, anycopies of electronic
(11:45):
communications between you andthe person you are filing
against.
A lot of the times these peoplewill have remorse and they will
say I'm so sorry and I didn'tmean to do it, or anything like
that, that you can get out ofthem, will say I'm so sorry and
I didn't mean to do it, oranything like that, that you can
get out of them Any letters youreceived from them, any video
(12:07):
or audio recordings that youmight have, obviously a current
address if they're not actuallyliving with you, and any
identification that you mightknow or have for them.
So protective orders are notautomatic and we've had some
that we were sure we were goingto get be turned down.
So when you go in for aprotective order, it's kind of
(12:27):
like poking the bear.
You really want to make surethat you're going to get it,
because you're just going topiss these people off even more
and if there's nothing stoppingthem from coming at you, they
might come at you even worse.
So we really will push to makesure that you're able to get up
(12:48):
there on the stand and testifyto these things and that we have
the best evidence that we canto go after them.
Also, some counties do havevictims advocates that will help
.
So if you don't use a privateattorney, these victims
advocates will help interviewyou, gather the information, the
evidence, and get you ready totestify, just as a private
(13:10):
attorney might.
How long does it take to get aprotective order?
I think it just depends on whoyou're using.
So if you go through a policedepartment or the district
attorney's office, they might beable to do a quick turnaround,
depending on who's available,what people they have on staff,
(13:31):
what kind of busyness they'rehaving for that day.
If you come to a personal likea family law attorney, it's
going to depend on same kind ofstuff how many attorneys are
available to draft.
How long is it going to takeyou to turn around your
affidavit?
We're going to need your story.
(13:52):
You're going to have to writeit down, so you might as well
start Even if you aren't readyto come now.
Let's get your story down onpaper so that it's ready when
you're ready.
So we want to know for aprotective order the first time
that abuse happened and tell usthe history up until the latest
(14:16):
incident so that we'll be readyto go.
And then usually your attorneywill then edit it to make sure
that it's the best that it canpossibly be, as we attach it to
our application for theprotective order, because it's
your testimony that this isgoing to turn on.
When we go in there for the exparte protective order, you are
(14:38):
going to have to go to court,you are going to have to be able
to testify in front of yourabuser, and it's the best
evidence that we have tocontinue the protective order.
Lifetime final protectiveorders can be given for sexual
assault, stalking and humantrafficking, but usually they're
(14:59):
given for a two-year period andfor the first time that's
usually when the protectiveorders start.
It also takes time, so mostattorneys bill by the hour and
so the more organized you are,the more ready you are.
(15:23):
The more organized you are, themore ready you are.
The more evidence that you havewhen you come in to consult with
the attorneys for thisprotective order, the easier it
will be to prepare yourapplication for protective order
, meaning the less attorney timeit will take to create.
So keep that in mind and so, asyou get ready for this
protective order, haveeverything organized and ready
to go and have your story readyand so we can get your affidavit
(15:47):
together and if that's the case, it may be a matter of hours
and we would be able to get yourprotective order before a judge
.
Typically we do need to do itduring regular working hours.
Every once in a while theremight be a judge available after
hours, but it's asking a bigfavor to bug a judge after hours
(16:11):
.
So typically we tell most ofour clients that if something's
happening after hours, call 911,get the police involved, and if
you have somebody that's anabuser, don't be scared to call
911.
It's okay and that's whatthey're there for and you need
(16:34):
to protect yourself.
So let us know if you're readyfor a protective order.
And that's it for today and seeyou next time.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Boysober
Have you ever wondered what life might be like if you stopped worrying about being wanted, and focused on understanding what you actually want? That was the question Hope Woodard asked herself after a string of situationships inspired her to take a break from sex and dating. She went "boysober," a personal concept that sparked a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. Now, Hope is looking to expand the ways we explore our relationship to relationships. Taking a bold, unfiltered look into modern love, romance, and self-discovery, Boysober will dive into messy stories about dating, sex, love, friendship, and breaking generational patterns—all with humor, vulnerability, and a fresh perspective.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.