May 1, 2025 • 12 mins
Military marriages can start fast—and end complicated. From housing and healthcare incentives to legal nuances like the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act and state-specific divorce rules, military families face unique pressures. This episode unpacks what service members and their spouses need to know about marriage, divorce, retirement benefits, and child custody in a system where the usual rules don’t always apply. Whether you're in uniform or married to one, understanding your rights is key to protecting your future.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Heather Tessmer (00:04):
You are listening to the Ever Argue With
A Woman podcast and I amHeather Tesmer.
Hello everybody, this isHeather Tesmer.
Again in the military is and totalk about just the added
(00:33):
pressures that our militarymembers have when it comes to
their families or when it comesto starting your families,
because a lot of the the timesour younger military members are
going through a lot of trainingand then they get deployed.
So they are at their trainingbase for quite a while, they
(01:00):
start a relationship and thenthey're deployed to, let's say,
germany.
Well, they want this new friendto come with them, but it's
very expensive to move toGermany, and so it's not as
expensive when they're your wife, and so a lot of our military
(01:20):
members tend to rush intomarriage because the military
almost makes them, because ifthey're married, the military is
going to pay for their spouseand all of their crap to go with
them, and so it's just a littleeasier if you go ahead and do
it that way, even though a lotof the marriages tend to be
(01:44):
rushed.
Also, the benefits when you'remarried.
So you get extra pay, you getthe housing benefits, you get
the medical benefits, you getthe moving allowance that I
mentioned, and then if you do aditty move, you can pocket quite
a bit of that money by notusing an actual professional
(02:07):
mover, and I have a couple ofhernias to prove it.
So a lot of the times themilitary members get married
young and then they move away.
Their support systems are goneand before they know it they
realize that they've made a hugemistake.
But now they're in Germany withno money and no way to get home
(02:30):
.
So there's some problems withthat whole system, and I want
you to know that there are thewellness centers on the bases.
They will help you.
So if you have a problem withyour marriage, there are places
to turn and so you need to go tothe family welfare offices
(02:55):
there on base.
So that whole going to Germany,being stuck there with no money
and not being able to come homeWell, that's kind of my story,
and I did not get married.
I did pay my way over to Germany, but then I got married shortly
thereafter.
So I am almost a 20-20-20 wife,and if I would have known
(03:16):
better back then, I would havemade sure I was a 20-20-20 wife.
But I am married to a retiredAir Force member and so this is
dear to my heart and I make surethat we treat all of our
military members very well inthis office, and everybody knows
that.
Um, the military come firstaround here.
(03:39):
So let's say, now you've beenmarried and realize it's not
going to work.
So now, what do you do?
You want to get divorced?
Well, let's say you both wantto stay in Germany, but you
still want to get divorced.
Where do you do the divorce?
Well, there are some specialrules for military members, and
I just want to go through a fewof them, and one of them is no
(04:02):
matter where you are in theworld, you can do your legal
business in your home state orthe state where you upped.
So like where my husbandenlisted was Texas, and that
also happens to be his homestate.
So Texas is the place that hecould file for divorce, even if
(04:23):
he was in Japan or Germany orwherever he might be in the
world.
If, however, his wife decidesto leave and come back to Texas,
she can file here in Texas.
Military actions might keep himfrom contributing in the
(04:48):
divorce process actively, thenthere are some things that he
can do to basically stall orstay the procedures, and that's
from the Service Members CivilRelief Act, and there are a lot
of things in there that allservice members should be aware
(05:08):
of, because there's a lot ofthings that help us out, so they
can help with leases and carrentals and mortgages, and so
there's a lot of things in therethat are geared towards helping
the service members gearedtowards helping the service
members.
I also wanted to talk aboutsomething that it's something
(05:33):
that a lot of the militarymembers will allow their spouses
to believe, and that's that youare not allowed to share in
their retirement until you'vebeen married for 10 years, and
that is wrong.
The day you marry them.
If you marry them in Texas andyou are here in Texas, we are a
(05:53):
community property state, and sowhatever you acquire or earn
while you're married isconsidered to be community
property.
So the 10-year rule all that isis that DFAS will send you your
share directly, so you do nothave to rely on the military
member to pay you your sharefrom them.
(06:17):
Dfas will do it without anyintervention from your ex-spouse
.
That's all.
That is Another rule ormilitary, I guess it's a rule
it's the 2020 rule, and that iswhere you've been married for 20
years, your military member hasbeen in the military for 20
(06:41):
years and that it all overlapsand so I missed it by like three
months, because my husband wasin the military for almost
exactly 20 years and I marriedhim a little bit after.
So I'm like a 20, 20, 19 andthree quarters wife and if I
(07:02):
would have known I would havemade him stay in so I could, if
anything ever happened, that Icould get those benefits, but
not that we're ever going to getdivorced.
It's been 36 years, so I'mgoing to say probably not.
And so the 20-20-20 is you willmaintain your benefits even if
(07:22):
you do get divorced.
So that means TRICARE.
That means you can continue togo to the commissary, you can
continue with almost everybenefit and you do not have to
rely on him anymore or her,depending on who your spouse is.
Something that a lot of evendivorce attorneys don't realize
(07:44):
is but if your spouse who is themilitary member is medically
retired, that retirement is notdivisible.
So you have to make sure thatit is a medical retirement.
Some can actually be kicked outbecause of their medical
condition, but if it's an actualmedical retirement, then it is
(08:08):
not divisible.
If you go to court, it is notdivisible.
You can agree to a division andsome military members don't
even know that, who have beenmedically retired.
So you don't know what youdon't know.
It's always good to find anattorney who does know these ins
(08:31):
and outs.
And then another one is if alot of our military members come
out of the military and theyare on disability or they get
disability payments these arenot divisible.
However.
They are used to calculate howmuch child support they might be
(08:54):
paying monthly and also forspousal maintenance.
So if you qualify for that,that might be used to calculate
their monthly income to wherethey might have to share some of
that with you if you do getawarded spousal maintenance.
So just recapping a couple ofthings that if you are young, if
(09:15):
you've only been married ashort time, you don't have any
kids, you really haven'taccumulated any community
property, you might try to doyour divorce yourself.
The only issues that I reallyhave with it are sometimes you
have to run your final decreethrough a staff attorney first
and they tend to be very busyand backed up and it can
(09:37):
sometimes take months before youget approved to go in front of
the judge and actually getdivorced.
Please, please, please,remember that sometimes the
biggest asset might be yourspouse's military retirement and
that you don't really realizethat 50% of you know $4,000 over
(10:01):
30 years, that's a lot of money.
So don't leave that on thetable and don't just agree to
walk away from that, because Imean, you're really talking a
lot of money.
If you do have children,sometimes military members need
to have creative solutions intheir possession schedules.
(10:25):
So if they are actively on TUIsor PCSing or moving across the
country, it becomes moredifficult for them to handle our
normal standard possessionorders.
So we need to be more creativewith allowing them more time,
(10:46):
maybe during the summer, overChristmas break, maybe allowing
them long weekends every month.
Most of the school districts dohave those longer weekends and I
really think it's because ofthese possession schedules.
And then also don't forget thatwhile if you divorce your
(11:07):
spouse and you haven't been withthem, with the 20-20-20 rule
you won't be able to keep yourTRICARE benefits, but your
children will be able to.
They can keep those medicalbenefits for as long as your
spouse is capable of keepingthem or until they age out, and
(11:27):
right now they can keep themuntil they're 26, as long as
they are actively in college,until they're 26, as long as
they are actively in college.
So that's something todefinitely discuss also with
your spouse when you're makingagreements for divorce, so that
you can keep your childrenprotected and with such good
medical coverage and for such anaffordable price.
(11:48):
So these are just a few thingsto deal with when you're
military and you're looking atboth getting married and
divorcing.
So I hope this helps and welook forward to seeing you again
soon.
You are listening to the Ever Argue With
A Woman podcast and I amHeather Tesmer.
Hello everybody, this isHeather Tesmer.
Again in the military is and totalk about just the added
(00:33):
pressures that our militarymembers have when it comes to
their families or when it comesto starting your families,
because a lot of the the timesour younger military members are
going through a lot of trainingand then they get deployed.
So they are at their trainingbase for quite a while, they
(01:00):
start a relationship and thenthey're deployed to, let's say,
germany.
Well, they want this new friendto come with them, but it's
very expensive to move toGermany, and so it's not as
expensive when they're your wife, and so a lot of our military
(01:20):
members tend to rush intomarriage because the military
almost makes them, because ifthey're married, the military is
going to pay for their spouseand all of their crap to go with
them, and so it's just a littleeasier if you go ahead and do
it that way, even though a lotof the marriages tend to be
(01:44):
rushed.
Also, the benefits when you'remarried.
So you get extra pay, you getthe housing benefits, you get
the medical benefits, you getthe moving allowance that I
mentioned, and then if you do aditty move, you can pocket quite
a bit of that money by notusing an actual professional
(02:07):
mover, and I have a couple ofhernias to prove it.
So a lot of the times themilitary members get married
young and then they move away.
Their support systems are goneand before they know it they
realize that they've made a hugemistake.
But now they're in Germany withno money and no way to get home
(02:30):
.
So there's some problems withthat whole system, and I want
you to know that there are thewellness centers on the bases.
They will help you.
So if you have a problem withyour marriage, there are places
to turn and so you need to go tothe family welfare offices
(02:55):
there on base.
So that whole going to Germany,being stuck there with no money
and not being able to come homeWell, that's kind of my story,
and I did not get married.
I did pay my way over to Germany, but then I got married shortly
thereafter.
So I am almost a 20-20-20 wife,and if I would have known
(03:16):
better back then, I would havemade sure I was a 20-20-20 wife.
But I am married to a retiredAir Force member and so this is
dear to my heart and I make surethat we treat all of our
military members very well inthis office, and everybody knows
that.
Um, the military come firstaround here.
(03:39):
So let's say, now you've beenmarried and realize it's not
going to work.
So now, what do you do?
You want to get divorced?
Well, let's say you both wantto stay in Germany, but you
still want to get divorced.
Where do you do the divorce?
Well, there are some specialrules for military members, and
I just want to go through a fewof them, and one of them is no
(04:02):
matter where you are in theworld, you can do your legal
business in your home state orthe state where you upped.
So like where my husbandenlisted was Texas, and that
also happens to be his homestate.
So Texas is the place that hecould file for divorce, even if
(04:23):
he was in Japan or Germany orwherever he might be in the
world.
If, however, his wife decidesto leave and come back to Texas,
she can file here in Texas.
Military actions might keep himfrom contributing in the
(04:48):
divorce process actively, thenthere are some things that he
can do to basically stall orstay the procedures, and that's
from the Service Members CivilRelief Act, and there are a lot
of things in there that allservice members should be aware
(05:08):
of, because there's a lot ofthings that help us out, so they
can help with leases and carrentals and mortgages, and so
there's a lot of things in therethat are geared towards helping
the service members gearedtowards helping the service
members.
I also wanted to talk aboutsomething that it's something
(05:33):
that a lot of the militarymembers will allow their spouses
to believe, and that's that youare not allowed to share in
their retirement until you'vebeen married for 10 years, and
that is wrong.
The day you marry them.
If you marry them in Texas andyou are here in Texas, we are a
(05:53):
community property state, and sowhatever you acquire or earn
while you're married isconsidered to be community
property.
So the 10-year rule all that isis that DFAS will send you your
share directly, so you do nothave to rely on the military
member to pay you your sharefrom them.
(06:17):
Dfas will do it without anyintervention from your ex-spouse
.
That's all.
That is Another rule ormilitary, I guess it's a rule
it's the 2020 rule, and that iswhere you've been married for 20
years, your military member hasbeen in the military for 20
(06:41):
years and that it all overlapsand so I missed it by like three
months, because my husband wasin the military for almost
exactly 20 years and I marriedhim a little bit after.
So I'm like a 20, 20, 19 andthree quarters wife and if I
(07:02):
would have known I would havemade him stay in so I could, if
anything ever happened, that Icould get those benefits, but
not that we're ever going to getdivorced.
It's been 36 years, so I'mgoing to say probably not.
And so the 20-20-20 is you willmaintain your benefits even if
(07:22):
you do get divorced.
So that means TRICARE.
That means you can continue togo to the commissary, you can
continue with almost everybenefit and you do not have to
rely on him anymore or her,depending on who your spouse is.
Something that a lot of evendivorce attorneys don't realize
(07:44):
is but if your spouse who is themilitary member is medically
retired, that retirement is notdivisible.
So you have to make sure thatit is a medical retirement.
Some can actually be kicked outbecause of their medical
condition, but if it's an actualmedical retirement, then it is
(08:08):
not divisible.
If you go to court, it is notdivisible.
You can agree to a division andsome military members don't
even know that, who have beenmedically retired.
So you don't know what youdon't know.
It's always good to find anattorney who does know these ins
(08:31):
and outs.
And then another one is if alot of our military members come
out of the military and theyare on disability or they get
disability payments these arenot divisible.
However.
They are used to calculate howmuch child support they might be
(08:54):
paying monthly and also forspousal maintenance.
So if you qualify for that,that might be used to calculate
their monthly income to wherethey might have to share some of
that with you if you do getawarded spousal maintenance.
So just recapping a couple ofthings that if you are young, if
(09:15):
you've only been married ashort time, you don't have any
kids, you really haven'taccumulated any community
property, you might try to doyour divorce yourself.
The only issues that I reallyhave with it are sometimes you
have to run your final decreethrough a staff attorney first
and they tend to be very busyand backed up and it can
(09:37):
sometimes take months before youget approved to go in front of
the judge and actually getdivorced.
Please, please, please,remember that sometimes the
biggest asset might be yourspouse's military retirement and
that you don't really realizethat 50% of you know $4,000 over
(10:01):
30 years, that's a lot of money.
So don't leave that on thetable and don't just agree to
walk away from that, because Imean, you're really talking a
lot of money.
If you do have children,sometimes military members need
to have creative solutions intheir possession schedules.
(10:25):
So if they are actively on TUIsor PCSing or moving across the
country, it becomes moredifficult for them to handle our
normal standard possessionorders.
So we need to be more creativewith allowing them more time,
(10:46):
maybe during the summer, overChristmas break, maybe allowing
them long weekends every month.
Most of the school districts dohave those longer weekends and I
really think it's because ofthese possession schedules.
And then also don't forget thatwhile if you divorce your
(11:07):
spouse and you haven't been withthem, with the 20-20-20 rule
you won't be able to keep yourTRICARE benefits, but your
children will be able to.
They can keep those medicalbenefits for as long as your
spouse is capable of keepingthem or until they age out, and
(11:27):
right now they can keep themuntil they're 26, as long as
they are actively in college,until they're 26, as long as
they are actively in college.
So that's something todefinitely discuss also with
your spouse when you're makingagreements for divorce, so that
you can keep your childrenprotected and with such good
medical coverage and for such anaffordable price.
(11:48):
So these are just a few thingsto deal with when you're
military and you're looking atboth getting married and
divorcing.
So I hope this helps and welook forward to seeing you again
soon.
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