I Am Not My Job — Grieving Career & Identity Loss (Layoffs, Leaves & Promotions Series)

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What happens when the job that gave you meaning is gone?

In this first episode of the Layoffs, Leaves & Promotions series, Dr. Anitra shares her personal story of job loss and how it shook her identity — along with reflections on what it means to grieve a role that felt like part of you.

Whether you’ve experienced a layoff, career transition, leadership change, or find yourself asking "Who am I now that this part of my life has ended?" — this episode is for you.

We’ll explore:

• Why job loss is a form of grief, even if no one calls it that.
• The hidden grief of losing identity, purpose, and belonging.
• The stories we tell ourselves — and how to gently ask, “Is it true?”
• Reflection questions to help you reframe your story and honor your worth.

Resources Mentioned:
Take the Grief Resilience Assessment — discover how you process grief and what care you need:
https://everydaygriefcoach.com/assessments/

Join the Everyday Grief Community — a private space for those navigating life and career losses with support and compassion:
https://www.everydaygriefprograms.com/products/communities/everydaygriefcommunity

Because you are more than your job — and you don’t have to do this alone.

Connect and learn more: https://everydaygriefcoach.com

 

 

Want to learn more about Everyday Grief Inc. and my work?
You can visit us at everydaygriefcoach.com.

To learn more about me and why I do this work, visit everydaygriefcoach.com/about.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello and welcome.
Before we dive in today, I wantto start with something simple
A breath.
Wherever you are sitting,driving, walking, just take a
deep breath with me, in throughyour nose and out through your

(00:34):
mouth.
Let's do that again In throughyour nose and out through your
mouth.
If you've been holding yourbreath, if you've been bracing
yourself through the weight ofgrief or loss, I want to give

(00:54):
you permission to breathe again.
Today's episode is for anyonenavigating the kind of loss that
doesn't always get named theloss of a job, a role, a title

(01:17):
that felt like it was part ofwho you are, of who you are.
So, as we begin, I want toinvite you to let this space be
one where you don't have to holdit all together.
You can set the mask down, youcan be honest about what this

(01:44):
loss has meant to you, even ifyou've never said it out loud.
Welcome to Everyday Grief,where we explore the many ways
loss shows up in life and how wecan care for ourselves and

(02:06):
others in the midst of it.
I'm Dr Anitra, a grief-informedleadership coach, minister and
founder of Everyday Grief.
Today, I'm beginning a specialseries called Layoffs, leaves

(02:32):
and Promotions, because youprobably know, like I do that
grief is not just about death.
Grief is about change, identityand the things we lose when
life doesn't go as planned,especially in our work and
leadership lives.
If you've lost a job for apromotion or felt like part of

(03:06):
your identity is slipping awaywith the career change and you
know, that kind of change I wantyou to know.
This space is for you, andtoday's conversation is called I
am, not my job.

(03:26):
So I want to begin with apersonal story, because it's
helpful to get context and toknow who you're listening to.
So years ago, I was working in arole that felt like it was home
.
It felt like it was more than ajob.

(03:48):
It was my calling and Ibelieved in it very much, deeply
, and in fact, I traveled acrossthe state that I was living in
at the time really trying toraise funds, friends and
awareness for the work that Iwas doing, and so I met a lot of

(04:08):
people and I built manyrelationships and I was really
proud of my work and I hit everygoal.
In fact, I exceeded the amountof money that was expected to be
raised.
I had raised the feasibility ofthe program that I was working
with, so everything was goingjust right, better than I had

(04:33):
thought, better than even theschool had thought but then
something happened that I don'tthink I expected.
I did not calculate this intomy plans at all, and you might
be in the same position.
There was a financial crisisand the position that I worked
so hard on was eliminated, justlike that gone.

(05:00):
And even though I knew itwasn't about my performance, it
did not prevent me fromanalyzing it as a way of being
rejected.
I felt like it was a rejection,like I wasn't enough, like
everything I had built didn'tmatter to anyone, and so, after

(05:26):
the initial announcement, beingstunned by it, I cried.
I wondered who I would be.
When I saw people, what wouldthey say when they thought oh, I
thought you were there, Ithought you were doing this role
, and I wondered who am I if I'mnot that?

(05:50):
See, I become that invested inthat role.
And if you're listening todayand you've lost a role you loved
or maybe you didn't to say thisto you, you are not your job.

(06:13):
You are not your job, but Iknow it doesn't always feel that
way.
Here's what we don't talkenough about Job loss is a form
of grief.

(06:34):
Normally, if someone talks abouta job loss, people will dismiss
that or just say something likeoh, you'll find another.
But it really is grief andwe've got to be attentive to
that.
There's a grief expert that Ireally do appreciate her work.
Her name is Dr Mary FrancesO'Connor, and she teaches us

(06:56):
that grief lives in the brain,and it happens whenever we lose
a meaningful relationship,because we're actually rewiring
our brain.
We're trying to adapt, we'retrying to reconcile as we are
introduced to new pieces ofinformation.
When we are introduced to aloss, our brain is trying to

(07:17):
make sense of it, and so when welook at a job, a job is a
relationship.
It is a relationship with acompany, with colleagues, with

(07:38):
the role that shaped how you sawyourself, because it becomes
who you are, so that when thatends, your brain begins to
grieve, even if nobody calls itgrief.
But instead of acknowledgingthat you are in grief, as it
would be the case if you wereencountering a death-related

(08:00):
loss, you will find people thatwill dismiss it and they don't
always mean to, but it doesn'trise to quite that level of a
death-related loss and so you'llhear them say things like oh,
you'll bounce back, somethingbetter is right around the
corner, it'll come along.

(08:20):
You're so talented, you'll befine, and I've heard each one of
these.
You probably heard somethingvery similar, and while that all
may be true yes, indeed, we maybe talented and something else
may come around the corner itdoesn't really help you to hear

(08:41):
those things when you're sittingin the rawness of a loss, when
you're in the thick of it.
No one's cliche, no one's axiom, their religious sayings, none
of that really will matter toyou.
What does matter is that youare internalizing a message of

(09:06):
unworthiness as you begin to askyourself the question who am I
now?
So I'm going to give you somethings to think about.
I want to share with you somethings that I've learned over my
experience, because I cannotsay to you that that one loss
was the last time that Iexperienced a job loss.

(09:28):
You know, the economy is alwayscyclic and there are those of
us who have vulnerable positionsto begin with, and so I want to
share with you something I'velearned Grief isn't just about
what we've lost.
It's about the story that wetell ourselves about that loss.

(09:50):
So when you encounter loss, weoftentimes will try to figure
out what is really going on, andthat story is a thing that kind
of gets stuck to us.
It evades the heart, it getsinto the heart.
It is something that you beginto tell others and sometimes, in

(10:11):
the telling of a story of a jobloss, it makes you sink a
little bit more, less able tostand fully in the power of who
you really are.
So we begin to tell ourselvesthings like maybe I wasn't good
enough, Maybe I should haveworked harder, maybe if I had

(10:35):
done something different, thiswouldn't have happened.
And you start going into thisspiral of constantly putting
yourself down, not seeing thatthis is something that might be
another way of telling yourselfthe story of you.

(10:58):
So I had to ask myself, and Iwant to invite you to ask
yourself is the story thatyou're telling yourself true?
Is it really true?
Invites us all to ask thequestion is it true?

(11:29):
What is the story that you aretelling yourself about your
worth, about your performance,about something you could have
done differently at your lastjob, and is what you've been
telling yourself really true?
Can I absolutely know that itis true?
What evidence are you using tocome up with the story that

(11:55):
you're telling yourself?
Is it really true?
And I want to ask you, whowould you be without that story?
So I'm going to flip it back toyou who would I be without that
story?

(12:18):
I want you to think about this,because oftentimes we create a
story that puts us in a positionthat it's really difficult to
get out of.
Sometimes the story we'retelling ourselves about why the
job ended is harsher thanreality.

(12:40):
So we're not really beingcompassionate with ourselves,
we're not really givingourselves grace.
It's not like we've been lyingto ourselves.
I want to invite you to beginto find a story that holds truth
with compassion.
I want you to begin to bring intruth with compassion, to begin

(13:04):
to bring in truth withcompassion.
And here's something else yourstory will be asked Friends,
family, future employers.
They will ask questions likewhat happened?
Why did you leave?
So I want to invite you tobegin practicing how you want to

(13:32):
tell your story, not becauseyou have to be the hero today,
but because how you tell yourstory, how you tell yourself
your story, will shape how youheal.
So I want to give you somequestions that you might explore

(13:53):
as you are thinking about yourstory.
The first question is what isthe story I'm telling myself
about?
Why this job ended?
Is that story true?
Is it kind?

(14:15):
What is still true about me,even though this role is gone?
How do I want to tell thisstory to myself, to others, in a

(14:36):
way that honors my dignity?
And if you don't have theanswers to any of these yet,
that's okay.
You don't have to figure it allout today.

(15:08):
As we close, I want to offer youa blessing.
May you know that you are morethan a title.
May you remember that yourworth is not tied to your
productivity.
May you be gentle with the partof you that feels lost right
now, and may you begin to writea new story, one that holds both

(15:39):
the grief and the truth of yourvalue.
Take a deep breath with me now,in and out.
Let's take another deep breathtogether, in and out.
You are worthy, you are seen,you are not alone.

(16:10):
If today's conversation spoke toyou, I want to invite you to
take my grief resilienceassessment.
It is a free tool to help youunderstand how you grieve and
what kind of care you need, andyou might listen to me say that
and think is my grief reallyworthwhile?

(16:33):
Who really cares about my grief?
And I want you to consider thatyou should care about your
grief enough to know how yougrieve and what kind of care you
need to ask for from others inyour community, in your family

(16:56):
and for yourself, and you canfind the link in the show notes.
If you're looking for acommunity that is having these
conversations, we are buildingthat space right now within the
everyday grief community, and soyou will also see a way to

(17:16):
connect with the everyday griefcommunity in the show notes.
In our next episode, we'll betalking about why leaders and
companies need to take griefseriously and how unspoken grief
is shaping workplaces more thanwe know.
Until then, I want you to takegood care of yourself, be gentle

(17:38):
with your story, and I want youto be gentle with your life.
Be well.