February 4, 2025 • 51 mins
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Experience the transformative insights of Janet Quinlan, a certified Catholic life coach with four decades of marital wisdom, as she reveals the core elements of a lasting marriage. Janet, alongside her husband Michael, has distilled their journey into ten essential lessons that prioritize marriage above all else. From the necessity of nurturing your relationship daily to the powerful role of communication, gain practical tools to overcome the distractions and demands that life throws your way.
Through insights into friendship, communication, family unity, and prayer, listeners will learn how to nurture and strengthen their bond with partners over the years.
• Friendship as the foundation of a healthy marriage
• Importance of encouragement and tenderness between partners
• Critical role of respectful communication and tone
• Unified parenting as a vital aspect of family dynamics
• Sacrifice for one another serves as the glue of marriage
• Demonstrating to children that the spouse comes first
• Power of prayer in your relationship
• Practicing empathy and avoiding scorekeeping
• Encouraging patience with each spouse’s temperament
• Understanding when to pause argumentative discussions
You can see the courses that Janet has to offer, her podcast, and coaching membership all on her website.
Are you a wife wanting to start a practice of praying for your husband every day? Check out the book, Provide the Armor, by Katie Hartfiel!
The Thriving Family Accelerator provides an easy, 3-step process to lower stress, parent as a united team, and enjoy a true friendship with your spouse & relationship with your kids. Sign up now for this live parent coaching with proven methods for positively engaging your family and redistributing the mental load.
Give $20 to keep the mic on. We're a 501 c(3) non-profit and produce this show for parents around the globe.
Discover the secrets to building a connected + thriving family. All you'll need is a few minutes of your week—it's easy!
Looking for things to combat boredom and bolster growth in your kids? Check out our Tame the Tech Bundle and the Best Me I Can Be Journal!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, welcome back to our show.
I am super excited because todayon our show we have a woman who
has a little bit moreexperience than I do in marriage
and family life, and I alwaysthink it's just such a gift to
hear from someone who's a littlefurther down the road than we
(00:23):
are when it comes to how tonavigate your marriage after 10,
15, 20, 35 years of marriage,and then some tips for
connecting and keeping thatmarriage strong when your kids
leave the nest.
Today, our guest is a certifiedCatholic life coach.
(00:45):
She's also the host of theFinding Joy in Marriage and
Motherhood podcast and throughher courses and coaching
techniques, janet teaches womenhow to resolve conflict and
create better connection intheir marriage.
She also teaches them how toparent so that they love being a
mom.
Janet's got a bachelor's inelementary education from St
(01:11):
Mary's College, notre Dame, andhas 39 years of elementary
education experience in public,private and homeschool settings.
And I love it because Janetsays her greatest
accomplishments are her marriageof 39 years to Michael, raising
her seven children andwelcoming 22 grandchildren and
(01:32):
counting.
Welcome to the show, janetQuinlan.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Hey, jordan, thank you so much for having me and
actually I'm just going tocorrect you a little bit.
We're at 40, because when youget to 40, you want to shout it
from the house top.
So we're at 40 years.
So thank you so much for havingme.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Congratulations.
That is awesome.
Especially in today's day andage, to be able to celebrate 40
years of marriage is justawesome.
What a beautiful gift.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes thank you, it's.
It's a hard fought battle,jordan, I know.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I know I'm at 20 years, janet, so you've got a
lot to teach me here today and alot to teach our listeners.
I was perusing your website,janetquinlancom, and I was
looking through blogs and yourpodcast episodes and I ran
across two particular topicsthat really caught my attention.
(02:25):
One was about the relationshipbetween women and their
mother-in-laws or their in-laws.
That has me so intrigued,because that's a real thing.
And then the second one was 10lessons learned about marriage
and I thought, oh, this might beone of those AI generated
(02:46):
things.
It's just like.
You know, those are the 10 thatwe all believe that are
probably like great lessonsabout marriage.
But then I started reading andI'm like, oh no, this is good,
she knows what she's talkingabout.
She's specific.
We are going to get into this.
So today we're going to talkabout the 10 lessons you've
learned about marriage in your40 years of marriage.
(03:08):
So let's dive right in.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Okay, so this is not AI.
Actually it's Michael, myhusband.
The two of us kind of worktogether, so it's both of us
together that we've come up withthis list and I think that, for
those who are listening, youmay find a point that hits you,
or you may find a point thatyou're like, oh yeah, my spouse
could really work on that and itdoesn't matter.
We just all want to look at ourmarriage and see how can we
(03:34):
improve what we have going.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Thank you for saying that.
I always say you know, controlthe controllables and your
spouse is not a controllable thecontrollables and your spouse
is not a controllable.
You have control over yourselfand what you're able to put into
the marriage, and they havecontrol over what they can do
and what they can put into themarriage.
But I love that you and Michaelput this list together, because
(03:58):
that's very special that he hadinput on this as well.
Well, what's number one?
All right, hit it.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
All right.
So the first one is that yourfriendship as a couple is the
most critical component of yourmarriage.
And I think what happens whenwe get married is that it's a
funny thing I have anotherpodcast on what happened to the
bride it's like we, we can'twait to get married and then we
forget about the nurturing ofeach other.
(04:28):
We're like, okay, now I'mmarried and now we're just going
to go live our lives, but wereally have to keep that
nurturing of each other going.
And then when we have children,it's even more of a challenge.
Right, it's the crying of thekids, it's the who needs to eat
and what diaper needs to bechanged.
You know, moving forward inadolescence, it's who needs to
(04:49):
get a ride.
Where, where are they going?
So I think what's reallycritical is that first of all,
we remember that our marriage isthe first order of priority God
first, but then our marriageand then our children.
And so often we get caught inputting the kids first and we
(05:10):
kind of forget about each other.
And whenever you don't tend tosomething you know, like a
garden, for instance, if you'renot tending to it and feeding it
and watering it, it'll just die.
And that's what happens veryoften to marriages because we're
not tending to it in a way thatis very conscious.
So, you know, we go through theday and there's that Eisenhower
(05:32):
matrix I don't know if you'veheard of it where it's like
what's urgent and not urgent,what is important and not
important, and so often we alllive our day in what feels
urgent but it's not important.
And what I would like toencourage people to see is that
their marriage is urgent and isimportant and so it should be in
(05:53):
that first corner of the matrixand just make sure that we're
always nurturing, every day, ourspouse.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
So good.
You talked about friendship,being critical and being a
friend to your spouse, andthat's how we met right, as we
became friends, fast friends,and then things developed from
there and you're so right thatso many things happen with
children and illnesses andschool and you can become two
ships passing in the night.
(06:22):
But it takes real intentionaleffort to keep a friendship
going in your marriage and Iwould underscore that a hundred
times that you can be marriedand in this union with each
other but really not feel likefriends, and my husband and I
have been in that position notthat far in the past where you
(06:47):
know it's like you're not realfun to live with, like where was
my friend?
You know, and so I, I love justthe word friendship accompanied
with you know, the term ofmarriage and the union of being,
you know, to become one like wereally have to focus on being
friendly to one another.
(07:09):
Right, I don't know about you,janet, but you know, if you
think about a friend, a friendcould leave the relationship at
any time.
Right, because they're notmarried to you, they're not your
relative, it's someone that youchose because you like to be
with them, you like certainqualities about them.
And for me I felt like you know, once I got married and started
(07:32):
having kids, it was like, well,we're stuck together and we got
to make this work, and thetrying to be friendly with my
husband was just sort of likenot even on my radar, and I
nobody really told me that thatwas something I needed to try at
, or, or you know, put efforttowards.
(07:53):
And so it wasn't till later thatI went.
Like man, I have not been afriend to him.
Is that your experience whenyou coach women too?
Is it you notice that there'sthis lack of friendship?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Yeah, it's all about getting things done in the day
and it's not about having funtogether, doing new things
together.
And throughout our 40 years wehave hit places where we would
look at each other and say, ok,we need to do something
different, we need to dosomething fun.
So I mean, even on our 40thanniversary, we said let's make
(08:27):
a resolution that once a monthwe do something different,
something fun, a new experiencethat we have together.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And it just breathes life into your relationship.
I love that tip doing somethingnew that you haven't done
before together as a couple.
So it brings that kind ofadventure and that newness and
that playfulness back into yourrelationship.
Right, so good, be a friend.
Right, friendship is critical.
What?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
else.
Okay.
So number two came from Michael, because I had no idea about
this.
But number two is and whetheryou're, you know, the husband or
the wife in your relationship,it can apply to both.
But he said that our husbandrelies on our encouragement, our
(09:16):
tenderness and our confidencein him to be strong in the world
.
And it can apply both ways, butI think more so to men.
What I did not understand?
So I was a stay-at-home momwith the kids for most of our
marriage and Michael was workingat a fancy law firm and he
would go off and he would begone and he would wine and dine
(09:36):
the clients and I'm home with,you know, grilled cheese and the
kids.
And I was thinking he's livingthe life and I am not Right.
And what I did not realize wasthat he longed to be at home
with me and the kids.
And I think that's reallyimportant for women to remember,
whether they're stay at homemoms or they work outside the
(10:00):
home.
We all have to remember that ourgreatest heart's desire is to
be with each other and so not toassume that you know, someone's
got it better than the other.
But then also, when wereconnect, at the end of the day
we stop everything and connectwith a hug and a kiss and a hi.
(10:22):
How are you and Michael and Ialways, no matter where we're
going, even if we're just goingup to the store, we always kiss
each other goodbye and we alwayskiss each other hello, and it's
just part of the way weinteract with each other.
And what he told me was thatwhen you know, I was home with
grilled cheese and six kidsnumber seven came a little while
later, but he said when hewalked in the door and I would
(10:45):
stop what I was doing and gogreet him, he said it was the
best part of his day.
He said it made him feel like hewas worth something to someone,
rather than kind of a commodityright Doing a thing for people
to earn money.
He came home and felt like thisis what it's about.
So I think it's reallyimportant for women especially
(11:08):
to remember that our husbandsneed that encouragement and
tenderness and the affection toreally bolster who they are, you
know, throughout the day.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yes, words of encouragement, the connection
before correction right, we talkabout that all the time on our
show is that you know.
When your husband comes in, areyou asking him, did you get
Joey from basketball practice?
Before you say, hello, how wasyour day, give him a kiss, give
him a hug, connect with himbefore you, you know, take
(11:45):
action to correct something thathe's done, or you know, give
him a to-do.
I love your habit of you knowgreeting each other when you
come in the door, hugging a kissbefore you leave to go anywhere
.
Just that small habit and thatconnection makes such a
difference to both of you.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Yeah, it really did.
And you know what?
I didn't realize how much Ineeded it.
You know, I think we get aswomen sometimes we get so caught
up in taking care of thechildren that we forget really
that we need to be taken care of.
So when his arms went around me, I felt that same connection
and encouragement and tenderness.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I love that and that makes me want to encourage all
listeners to just you know, holdon a little longer in your hugs
right.
Because sometimes that can gethurried too, where it's just
like a quick pat and then you'reon your way, but just make it a
good long.
Quick pat, and then you're onyour way, but just make it a
(12:48):
good long, like uncomfortable 30seconds at the beginning, and
then it'll start feelingcomfortable and, like you
mentioned, janet, just you startallowing yourself to accept
that love and that connectionfrom your spouse and to feel the
connection from the embrace andremind yourself that you are
worth that connection and thatbeing taken care of in that
(13:10):
physical sense that you'reconnecting with your spouse,
even if your kids are pulling atyour pant leg and you know,
whining in the background.
It's important to show them too.
Hey, this union comes first.
Right, we created this wholefamily.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
All right and one go ahead.
One of the things I wanted tomention that you had in your
article is that you said youknow men are constantly
assaulted with insecurities andinadequacies that they're not
doing enough, and so coming hometo a wife who brings all that
up for them is just crushing.
It just affirms that thoseinsecurities they already feel
(13:48):
are true, and so we, as women,want to be sure that we are
offering a very safe place forthem to land, after all the
rejections of their day, whetherit be sales or whatever their
jobs are, that that home is agreat place to connect and that
we will be a sure place oftenderness and encouragement for
(14:09):
them.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Right For sure.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
So good Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Number three how I say what I say and why I say
what I say is critical to therespect he feels from me.
And this can go both ways whenMichael and I married.
So back up for a second.
I'm the only girl of threechildren in my family and I tell
(14:36):
my kids when I started havingthem that they would have more
virtue going into marriage thanI ever had, simply because I
didn't have to learn how toshare.
I didn't have to learn how toget along because my brothers
were off on their own and I waspretty much by myself.
And so when I met Michael, Iwas not aware that the way I
spoke was pretty demanding.
It's pretty probablydisrespectful.
(14:56):
And the week before we gotmarried I was moving into our
apartment.
We lived in married studenthousing while he finished law
school at Notre Dame and wemoved into the apartment and he
took a lamp out of my car totake up to the apartment and it
was my grandmother's lamp and hedropped it and he broke it and
(15:17):
I don't even actually rememberwhat I said.
But he turned to me and he saidnever speak to me like that
again.
It's just a lamp.
And of course my first reactionwas angry with him, Like how
dare you speak to me like that,right?
Sure, but he really was 100%true, it was just a lamp.
(15:38):
And so we have to be verycareful about the tone that we
take, and sometimes that makesall the difference in the world
in what we're saying.
And as I got certified as alife coach just about five years
ago, I really understood howimportant the tone was with the
way we speak to each other, andso I just really want to
(16:00):
encourage people to think aboutwhat they say, because you can't
unhear something, and then alsoto be very careful about the
way you say it.
So sometimes you know, whenwe're in the midst of an
argument we'll just throwsomething out to hurt, and we
really want to get a hold ofthat because that, like I said,
(16:23):
you can't unsay it and theycan't unhear it, and it can
really cause damage to arelationship Along those lines
and I think this goes back tothe last one where I talked
about making him feel confidentin the world.
But there are a number ofstudies that indicate that men
would rather be respected thanloved in a relationship and
(16:44):
women would rather be loved thanrespected, and that kind of
explains a little why somepeople women who are abused
physically or emotionally, theystill come back to the marriage.
It's because they have thatfeeling of need to be loved.
And so we want to be carefulthat when we're speaking to our
husbands, that we speak withrespect, because that's what
(17:08):
they need to hear.
And for the husbands, we wantto help them understand that
when they're speaking to theirwives, their tone also can make
a wife feel unloved, make a wifefeel unloved.
And so we really want to bevery careful about the tone and
how we say, what we say and whywe're saying it.
(17:29):
Are we just trying to, you know, score points or do
one-upmanship, or is what we'resaying really important to the
conversation?
Or you know the conflict thatwe're trying to resolve?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Yes, yes, how we say things and the words we choose
really do matter to our spouse.
They are our beloved.
We don't want to throw daggersright, but sometimes we get in
that scorekeeping mode, or well,you did this and so I'm going
to sling this at you.
I like how you pointed out youknow the difference in men and
(18:01):
women and how men prefer to berespected and women really need
to be loved.
I love that book Love andRespect.
It really goes into that veryspecifically.
And you're like, yes, thismakes so much sense with our
temperaments and our nature asmen and women how different we
are.
And one thing I think that Ihave learned over 20 years of
(18:22):
marriage is, just like you know,you know I have this habit of
being passive, aggressive.
And then I want to explain it aslike well, oh, I was just
joking.
My husband's like Jordan, yourface does not indicate that you
are joking.
That look is like you want medead, which equals disrespect,
(18:44):
and so it does me no good to say, oh, but that's not what I
meant.
That's not what I meant, that'show he's receiving it, and so
it took me years to go.
You know what.
I am so sorry that that wasdisrespectful.
No, I will really work to makesure that what I say matches my
(19:06):
facial expression, Right, right.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
And also to remember that you know, we have a sarcasm
problem in our family as welland we just, you know when
someone said to us, there'salways a little bit of truth to
the sarcasm.
So sometimes sarcasm is funny,you know, especially if it's
self-deprecating.
It can be kind of funny, butwhen we use it with our spouse
it often isn't funny.
There is a subtle messageunderneath that.
We're trying to deliver with alittle ha ha, but everybody gets
(19:35):
the subtle message.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
So yes, and really there's no need to just point
out your spouse's faults.
I instead, like you said,backing up on words of
encouragement, always go so muchfurther than pointing out
something that they've donewrong or another misstep right,
because that can really play ontheir psyche when they're
(19:58):
already beating themselves upbecause maybe they know that
they did something wrong, orthey know they missed getting
back to that client or theymissed the family member's
birthday, and then you pointingout it again is just like
kicking them when they're down.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Right, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Well, this is good.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Number four is we need to be unified in our
parenting ideas and in ourvalues and goals for our family.
So I coach a lot of women inparenting.
I do marriage as well, but Ithink that people it's
interesting I think people thinkthe problem is in the parenting
, but actually the problem is inthe marriage, because you often
(20:40):
have two people.
Now think about it they atleast 22 years probably came
from a totally different familyeach of them, and now they come
together and they just expectthat you know they'll be right
on the same page and they'll doeverything the same way, and
it's never like that.
And so when we come together,whether it's at 22 or 25 or 40,
(21:01):
or we're still trying to workthis out as the children grow up
and get into you know, a newstage, and now we have to figure
out OK, how are we going todeal with, you know, teenagers?
We have to be working togetherto be on the same page, because
if we're not, it'll becompletely divisive in the whole
family and our marriage willsuffer.
(21:22):
So sometimes when I coach,people are like I mean, I've
coached couples where thehusband will say, well, she
wants to do it this way, and Ijust think that's wrong.
And the wife will say, well, hewants to do it that way and
it's just wrong.
And I will say to them okay,let's just take that the way it
is.
Now what?
Because your child is waitingfor one message, one voice.
(21:43):
Because if we give twodifferent messages to the
children, then they won't knowwhat to do and we will not
become more of a unified couple.
You know, we are one, ourhusband, our spouse and us.
We are one.
You know, our spouse andourselves, and that goes to the
way we parent our children aswell.
(22:05):
So my husband came from a really, really difficult family.
His dad served in World War IIand he was never the same when
he came out, and so when we gotmarried and back up and my
family, my parents, were verycalm and very regulated, but,
michaels, there was a lot ofyelling, there was a lot of
(22:26):
harsh treatment, there was a lotof just speaking tones that
just were not conducive to ahappy family life, and so he
brought that to his parentingbecause he didn't know any
better, and so he and I had alot of conflict in the beginning
about how to speak to thechildren.
Now I was wrong, because Iwould say don't talk to them
(22:49):
like that with the childrenright there.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
That was a classic disrespect of my spouse, and he
would get angry rightfully so,because I would embarrass him in
front of the children.
And so the two of us had tolearn how to do that dance where
we said can you just stop for asecond?
I'd like to talk to you in theother room and say you are being
too harsh.
Can you say what you want tosay without being so harsh?
(23:16):
And it took many years for usto figure that out, but I think
it's really absolutely critical.
It also comes with theboundaries.
You know, one spouse may haveloose boundaries for children
and the other may have reallystrong.
And what we have to remember iswe must come together to have
(23:36):
one voice for the children.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Yes, being unified in parenting.
I can't agree with you more.
Just being a therapist for 20years working with parents, they
would come in and want thelatest and greatest parenting
technique.
And what is it that we can doto solve this one problem?
And I would say let's just setthat on the shelf for a while.
I know that seems like it's theanswer, but I think getting the
two of you on the same page andreally recognizing as a couple,
(24:05):
that you are a unified team iswhere we need to start.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
And I think part of that is helping them come
together in.
What result do you want?
What kind of adults do you wantthese children to become?
And so you know we don't.
I don't think we look at thatas we're raising our children,
we're in the midst of it.
But if we look at the resultthat we want and then we say,
okay, now, what actions do weneed to take to get that result,
(24:32):
it's much easier to cometogether in consensus to say,
okay, this is what we need to doto get that, to help that child
become that adult.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yes, be unified in parenting and keep the end in
mind.
Right.
How do we want them to turn outas adults, and are our actions
collectively moving them downthe field towards the end zone?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Right, right, okay.
Number five is sacrifice foreach other is the super glue of
marriage.
So, like I said earlier, I wasan only girl in a family of
three and I didn't know muchabout sacrifice.
Michael was one of five and,like I said, he had a difficult
family life and he just knew alot about sacrifice.
(25:19):
And so, to be quite honest, hetaught me how to live
sacrificial love.
And when we live sacrificiallove start we stop thinking
about what we want, what doesthe other person need to do to
make us happy, and we startfocusing on the other person.
What can I do to show him thatI love him, how can I serve him?
(25:42):
And what is really interestingyou know you have to try it in
order to see it happen, becausepeople don't believe it that the
more you sacrifice like reallysacrificial love, not like, hey,
did you see what I did theother day, kind of thing.
You know, but the more you doit, the more they do it.
(26:03):
It's so interesting, it happensall the time.
So I would really say that thatis one of the keys to keeping a
marriage really strong is to,you know, sacrifice for each
other out of love, which meansyou do it joyfully and
cheerfully and without anyexpectations in return.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Yes, a full giving of yourself to your spouse, like
you said, without scorekeepingor expecting anything in return.
Okay, self-sacrifice, it's theglue that holds a marriage
together, folks.
So be thinking of what you cando for your spouse in a small
way, even today, as you listento this.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Love it.
Yeah, and I think it's a smallway, but also for many, many
marriages it can be a big way.
It can be dealing with a spousewho has an addiction issue.
It may be infidelity in themarriage.
It may be really big thingsthat some people may think that
the people who have lived 40, 50years together didn't deal with
, and I would argue with that.
(27:08):
I would say almost everybodydeals with small and big places
where we have to sacrifice andyou know, the more we sacrifice
out of love, the more merit weget.
It not only helps them, but italso helps us become truly the
person that God has called us tobe in that relationship.
Yes, okay, number six is show mychildren that he is first.
(27:32):
So, whether it's whether you'rea man listening to this, show
your children that your wife isfirst and, for the women, show
your children that your husbandis first.
And it's really the properorder of things.
Right, we talk about God isfirst and we teach our children
that God is first in all of ourlives.
First, and we teach ourchildren that God is first in
(27:52):
all of our lives.
And then who's next?
And then it's my spouse.
So if I'm speaking to my spouseand a child comes up and wants
to get my attention, I say no,wait, I'm talking to your dad,
you have to wait and be patient,and so it's really important.
It kind of goes back to andmany of these you kind of see
overlapping, but it goes back tothat first thing about our
friendship is the most criticalcomponent of our marriage.
(28:13):
We have to have our spousefirst and our children need to
see that in many tangible ways.
Okay, yes, when I would leave togo on retreat or to go out of
town or something and Michaelwas in charge, he would always
do things differently than I didthem, like they would stay up
late and they would watch, youknow, some movies that weren't
(28:33):
bad, but not you know, the bigjoke in our house was when I
went on retreat and dad let themwatch 101 Dalmatians and I
wouldn't let them watch itbecause the word idiot was used.
Dad let them watch it and dadwould make this cheesy rice
thing, which was kind ofdisgusting, but my you know, 36
year old, still talk about howgreat it was.
(28:54):
It was a.
It's a great at first.
I came home I'm like, no, youcan't do that, michael, you've
got to do it the way.
But the kids understood that forthat time, when dad was in
charge, they could do thingsdifferently.
And then when mom came back in,we went right back to our
schedule and we did the things.
And so we want to let our kidssee that we let our spouse be in
(29:15):
control, which sounds kind ofstrange, I think, for women,
many women we tend to not letour husband take the lead and do
the things that you know,really, his part is so important
with the kids.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Yes, I love that and let him do it his way, because
the kids do know their place.
When you are back, they knowthey're not going to get away
with the 101 Dalmatians.
That's right, there's not goingto be any weird.
You know, cheesy rice beingserved.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And also it brings both personalities into it.
So I am a rule follower andMichael is a risk taker.
And we had we had anopportunity in 1999 when Pope St
John Paul II came to St Louisseat right.
(30:11):
But Michael took our twoyoungest at the time, mary Grace
and Patrick, and we made littleflowers and he went up to the
Secret Service line when thePope was coming down and
greeting people and he said tothem hey, can you guys go under
the rope and go and off.
They went with a big hug and akiss for the Pope and that's an
experience that they never wouldhave had if I was in charge,
because I am a rule follower.
(30:32):
So I just really offer to women, especially if your husband is
not that rule follower, it'sokay, in fact it's great.
Let the children have bothsides of you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Yes, after all, he has kept himself safe enough to
be alive and kicking and workinghis job and in a relationship
with you, so he's certainly notgoing to let worse happen to his
children.
That is such a great piece ofadvice.
Like they're going to do itdifferent.
Let them do it different.
This is a beautiful way foryour kids to witness the
(31:06):
difference in men and women, thedifference in temperament and
personality and upbringing, andyou give them the freedom to be
the type of parent that lightsthem up.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
For sure, yeah, oh that's so good.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
It made me think of when you said you know you need
to be sure that your kids knowthat your spouse comes first.
One of the things that westarted doing your spouse comes
first One of the things that westarted doing.
Just a simple thing in churchis when the pastor says okay,
(31:40):
give a sign of peace to thosearound you.
If I was down on one end of thepew and my husband was on the
other and we had kids in themiddle, we would just go and
find each other and give eachother a kiss first thing.
It was like no, before we, youknow, shake hands with our kids
or give them a hug, we're goingto unite first.
And that was just a visual wayfor them to witness that man,
that other person, dad is reallyimportant to mom.
(32:03):
She just ignores us until she'sgot her kiss from him first.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Right, right, just those little, small things.
Yeah, it's so great, it's sogood.
Yes, number seven is andthere's no order of importance
here Number seven is pray forhim, and that should be number
one, two, three, all the way youknow to 10.
We just need to pray for ourspouse, husbands, pray for your
(32:27):
wives, pray for them to haveconfidence and patience and all
those virtues that they need toraise children and wives.
Pray for your husband that youknow they have the strength to
combat what the world isthrowing at them.
I think our culture throwsdifferent things at men and
(32:50):
different things at women, andthey're both difficult them.
I think our culture throwsdifferent things at men and
different things at women, andthey're both difficult.
Sometimes, I think the men getthe worst end of the stick on
that.
So we really want to pray forhim that you know he's holy,
that he's close to God, that heworks well and that he is a good
father and just a good child ofGod.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Yes, I have this wonderful book that a friend of
mine wrote.
Her name is Katie Hartfield andthe book is called Provide the
Armor and it's for women.
It's just one page a day.
Women to pray for theirhusbands or their future
husbands.
Just a few minutes each day,with a scripture passage at the
top and then a little reflectionand then a prayer prompt at the
(33:33):
bottom.
And I have been doing that fora year every morning.
And just to know that I amputting spiritual effort towards
my husband and helping toprovide that armor that he needs
, that spiritual armor tosupport himself, me, our family,
his business has just been atotal game changer.
I just highly recommend prayingfor your spouse.
(33:56):
Oh, this is awesome, janet.
I ran across this statistic.
You've got to share this withyour clients, so we know that
married couples are stilldivorcing at a rate of 50% in
the.
United States still divorcing ata rate of 50% in the United
States.
So good news is if you go tochurch with your spouse every
Sunday, that goes down to 26%chance of divorce.
(34:19):
If you pray with your spouseevery day, your chance of
divorce goes down to 0.0006%chance.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Yeah, Total safeguard on your marriage to pray
together as a couple, not withthe whole family for family
prayers, but specifically justhusband and wife.
I say 90 seconds a day, youknow, to safeguard your marriage
.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Yeah, we do it at night.
I'm not a pray out loud person.
Michael is again difference inour personalities, but he really
kind of insisted upon it many,many years ago.
And so we just sit on the bedand we hold hands, which you
know if you're having a toughday if you're not happy with
each other.
When you grab each other's hand,it's almost like you kind of
(35:10):
melt into, I don't know.
It's just a peaceful feeling,and we pray for our kids, we
pray for our marriage, we prayfor things that each of us, you
know, have been asked to prayfor, and we just really pray for
protection.
So, yeah, I think that's, Iguess, how I got to 40 years,
right, if I percentage'll tellyou.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
That's right.
Yes, pray for your spouse.
For sure I love it Okay let'skeep going, okay.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
Number eight is be empathetic and don't keep score.
So you know, really always seekto look for the good things and
not all those negative things.
Our brain always wants to findthe negative in everything.
There's a statistic out therethat we have like 60,000
thoughts a day and 80% arenegative.
And I think when you know thatyou're like, oh, this is just my
(35:58):
brain being negative.
So we really want to beempathetic to our spouse and
really see the good and not keepthe score of who did what.
Am I ahead, you know?
Is she ahead?
We want to give the benefit ofthe doubt to each other and we
don't want to assume that theiractions mean something they
(36:18):
don't mean.
Just just ask, right, becauseso often we'll just make an
assumption that what they did,they were trying to, you know,
do something to hurt me orwhatever.
It's probably not true that Imean so many times.
My husband is just, he's justjust out to lunch, right, he's
just, he's got his mind on otherthings, it has nothing to do
with me and so, yeah, so we wantto really be empathetic and and
(36:40):
just be curious about what elsecould this be, and then don't
keep score on who's right andwho's wrong, and who won last
time, and you know it's just notthe way to live.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Yeah, I love how you said you know, just ask if, if,
if you're assuming ill intentand you just got that in your
mind, that they're, they're outto you know, harm you in some
way, or that was really nasty ofthem to say, hey, what did you
mean by that when you said suchand such?
Because what I'm telling myselfabout what you said is really,
(37:11):
you know, wreaking havoc on meand my self-esteem or my
confidence or whatever.
So I want to know from you whatwas it that you meant by that?
Just ask for clarificationright.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
Right, perfect, okay.
Number nine is be patient withhis temperament.
That kind of goes back toletting him be who he is.
You know, the things that welove about our husband before we
marry them are the things orour spouse are the things that
probably will drive us crazy.
I love that.
Michael.
Was you know this risk takerbecause I was not.
And then, after we got married,I'm like no, I do not like you
(37:44):
taking chances and I just had toreally be open to that because
it has brought so much joy intoour life.
So just really be patient.
You know we are all on ajourney.
Nobody is perfect.
We're all trying to developmore virtue and we just have to
be patient with each other.
The idea that marriage is apath to sanctity is really
(38:06):
really true.
We're helping each other beholier, have more sanctity, not
by being critical andcomplaining and correcting, but
by loving more and just, youknow, being more patient and
growing in virtue towards ourspouse.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yes, and accepting their quirks and their flaws and
their dad jokes and their momflaws.
Right, it's just having justthis acceptance that you know
what I'm not perfect either meon a daily basis, without even
(38:46):
uttering a word to me about alittle irritations and
annoyances, that I can grow invirtue by doing that too, that
not everything deserves acomment.
If there's something thatannoys you or bothers you, it's
okay to let it go without makinga deal of it with your spouse.
Actually, I think it makesthings a lot more harmonious for
(39:09):
you to do that.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Yeah, I have gotten into a habit of saying, well,
that's just Michael, that's justMichael, and it kind of cuts
away the emotion.
It's just who he is.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
That's right, it's just part of who he is.
Dad jokes, that's my man, sotrue.
Speaker 2 (39:27):
Okay, number 10, sometimes it's better to let the
sun go down before an argumentis resolved.
Now this may be controversial,but I find that if we are
arguing and it's 10 o'clock atnight, it just gets worse and
we're tired, we're on, knoweverything is on high emotion,
(39:49):
and so sometimes I think it'slike, okay, let's talk about
this tomorrow.
I can't talk about it anymorebecause I am too emotional, so
can we just talk about ittomorrow?
And then tomorrow.
Sometimes it takes till aboutnoon before we can really calm
down and see each other with agood perspective, and then we
can come in and say, hey, I'msorry, I did that, or could you
(40:10):
explain this to me?
And we just have betteremotional regulation at that
point.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
I'm so glad to hear you say that, because that's
such a myth about how you haveto go to bed, you know, with all
conflict resolved.
I have never had thatexperience in my marriage and
it's always been better if wejust let it rest.
While we are resting, right, Ijust think at the end of the day
, like you said, you know, weare like a car that's out of gas
(40:39):
.
We have no gas in the tank.
We're sputtering around,there's black smoke coming out
of us.
You know, it is not a good timeto have a rational conversation
about something that probablystarted in an irrational way
anyway, because we're burnt outand exhausted.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
Yes, yeah.
And also, if you're like myhusband who fell asleep in the
middle of an argument like that,now I have something else to be
angry about.
So, yeah, so I think that Iunderstand.
I think a lot of priests givethat you know, advice when
you're preparing for marriage,and I get the idea of it.
But practically speaking,sometimes you just have to say,
let's you know, swing backtomorrow and talk more about it.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Yes, I know.
One of the rules for fightingfair I used to really emphasize
with couples is that you don'twant to leave your partner
feeling like you've hijackedtheir emotions by saying I'm
done, I can't talk about thisanymore, and then not telling
them when you plan to return tothe conversation.
That it's of utmost respect ifyou say you know I've got to
(41:42):
take a time out, I got to sleepon this one, but you know by
lunchtime tomorrow we can meetup and I'll be ready to talk
then.
Then they can kind of like feelokay, that they know that this
isn't just going to be blown offor that they're just going to
be waiting to see if you everreturn.
That's a hard position to be in.
(42:03):
If you've ever had somebody dothat to you is to just kind of
leave you hanging.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Yeah, well, it's a power thing and we don't want to
do that in our marriage.
We don't want to have powercontrol yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Absolutely not.
These were awesome, Janet.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Thank you the last one is bonus.
Look at it, look at yourmarriage as just the long haul,
like being committed to the longhaul, and for those who are
early in their marriage.
And you look at, there's acouple.
They have to be in their 90snow and they hold hands and they
walk every day and for a longtime, because I would see them
(42:38):
for a long over 30 years now andI would think, oh, they must
not have the problems that I'mhaving right now in my marriage.
And it's kind of what we talkedabout earlier.
Every marriage has issues andyou don't get to the place where
, like Michael and I are now,where we're just so happy, we
enjoy each other so much.
The kids are like what is upwith you and dad.
We're like this is what it'swhat it should be like.
(43:00):
You know, it's all good, but itcomes through being very
focused that we're gettinggetting through whatever it is
that we need to get through, andit may take a long time to get
through it, but what is the endresult?
We want to be together holdinghands when we're 90.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yes, oh, I love that.
I got that little picture in myhead of a 90-year-old couple
just kind of wobbling along andholding hands, and that's right.
Marriage is the long game, youknow, and and the suffering and
and all the ups and downs andthe little detours on the the
(43:38):
road of life that we go throughtogether are part of what kind
of refine us as a couple andmake the years when our kids are
, you know, moving out of thehouse and and we are in
retirement, really those goldenyears where we're like you are
awesome, you are awesome, Right,Like we really enjoy this
(43:58):
grandparenting thing because wejourneyed together through those
rough times.
So great advice.
40 years of marriage, sevenkids, 22 plus grandkids.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
Yeah, two more coming this year, so we could let you
every other year.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
I love it.
This is so awesome.
Well, tell us a little bit moreabout what you do in your
coaching, and you have somecourses to offer our listeners,
so let us know what you're doingfor married couples.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Okay.
So first you can go tojanetquinlandcom Everything is
there.
But so I focus really onmarriage and parenting.
And I do have a standalonemother-in-law daughter-in-law
dynamic course and that's forpeople who, whether you're in
conflict with your in-law, it'sfor mothers in law or
daughters-in-law, so both cantake it and I address both sides
(44:56):
of things and it's a self-studycourse and it's if you want to
improve your relationship or ifyou're really struggling to
really, you know, if you don't,if you have a terrible
relationship, it will help you.
So that's a standalone course.
And then I have two differentways that I coach.
One is I call it well, I'm ateacher by trade, so I call it
(45:17):
private tutoring.
So it's like one-on-onecoaching and there I meet with
people you can see the packagethere on my website and we just
talk and work through the issuesthat they're dealing with on a
one-on-one basis.
And then I also have it'scalled the Faith and Family
Project and it's a monthlymembership.
It's like my classroom, okay.
So I teach on a particulartopic.
(45:39):
So we have four pillars wherewe talk about marriage one month
, parenting, another month homemanagement and then always
underlining it, underlying it isour vocation, our call to this
marriage and motherhood in ourfaith, and so I will speak about
a particular topic and thenopen for questions and coaching,
(46:00):
and so that's there.
And then I also havevirtue-based parenting, which is
, yeah, I'm a busy grandma Neverin my years did I think I'd be
here.
But anyway, in, virtue-basedParenting is a course that also
comes with coaching, and it isjust really how to teach your
children the habits or virtuesthat will resolve all of those
(46:24):
misbehavior issues, right, yes,yeah, we have all these
different crazy parenting stylesof you have to do this and do
this and have these scripts andI'm like, no, it's really about
forming them in virtue.
So that's virtue-basedparenting.
So that's what I have to offer.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Such great resources and this is like I do not
consider this competition.
I am so excited to recommendyou to our listeners because
there is just no shortage ofgood coaching and resources for
parents and married couplesthese days.
There's some, there's somewacky, weird philosophies out
(47:03):
there, and so we only bringpeople on the show who we highly
recommend.
I've tuned into your workshopsbefore and loved it, just won a
couple of weeks ago and took alittle nugget away you had
mentioned.
You know, when my kids wouldquestion my you know something
that I told them that we have todo differently or they
disagreed with you know kind ofa new rule I was laying down.
(47:25):
I really brought my faith intoit and I reminded them that I
stand before God and I have togive an accounting of my life
and how I reared my children andyou know what I did to to bring
them up in the faith and tobring them up in in what is
right and wrong and morals, andso this is something I take very
(47:49):
seriously.
It's like, yes, our kids arecapable of understanding the why
behind things.
It also helps them think aboutwhy they do things or choose not
to do things as well, right?
So lots of great little nuggetsand love, your personality and
just your real talk aboutmarriage and family life.
Speaker 2 (48:11):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
I can tell your courses and your coaching be
very, very beneficial.
So, okay, we have Janet'swebsite linked in our show notes
.
If you get our weekly emails,you can also check your inbox,
because we have a link to herwebsite in our email that comes
out on Tuesdays as well.
So, janet, thank you so muchfor blessing us with your wisdom
(48:35):
.
40 years of marriage experiencewe just really appreciate what
you're doing.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Thank you, I really appreciate you having me on.
Thanks, jordan, take careYou're welcome.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Okay, guys, I will catch you on another episode of
our show real soon.
If you like what you heard heretoday, please be sure to share
this with your friends, familyand even your spouse.
Take care.
Hey there, welcome back to our show.
I am super excited because todayon our show we have a woman who
has a little bit moreexperience than I do in marriage
and family life, and I alwaysthink it's just such a gift to
hear from someone who's a littlefurther down the road than we
(00:23):
are when it comes to how tonavigate your marriage after 10,
15, 20, 35 years of marriage,and then some tips for
connecting and keeping thatmarriage strong when your kids
leave the nest.
Today, our guest is a certifiedCatholic life coach.
(00:45):
She's also the host of theFinding Joy in Marriage and
Motherhood podcast and throughher courses and coaching
techniques, janet teaches womenhow to resolve conflict and
create better connection intheir marriage.
She also teaches them how toparent so that they love being a
mom.
Janet's got a bachelor's inelementary education from St
(01:11):
Mary's College, notre Dame, andhas 39 years of elementary
education experience in public,private and homeschool settings.
And I love it because Janetsays her greatest
accomplishments are her marriageof 39 years to Michael, raising
her seven children andwelcoming 22 grandchildren and
(01:32):
counting.
Welcome to the show, janetQuinlan.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Hey, jordan, thank you so much for having me and
actually I'm just going tocorrect you a little bit.
We're at 40, because when youget to 40, you want to shout it
from the house top.
So we're at 40 years.
So thank you so much for havingme.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Congratulations.
That is awesome.
Especially in today's day andage, to be able to celebrate 40
years of marriage is justawesome.
What a beautiful gift.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes thank you, it's.
It's a hard fought battle,jordan, I know.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
I know I'm at 20 years, janet, so you've got a
lot to teach me here today and alot to teach our listeners.
I was perusing your website,janetquinlancom, and I was
looking through blogs and yourpodcast episodes and I ran
across two particular topicsthat really caught my attention.
(02:25):
One was about the relationshipbetween women and their
mother-in-laws or their in-laws.
That has me so intrigued,because that's a real thing.
And then the second one was 10lessons learned about marriage
and I thought, oh, this might beone of those AI generated
(02:46):
things.
It's just like.
You know, those are the 10 thatwe all believe that are
probably like great lessonsabout marriage.
But then I started reading andI'm like, oh no, this is good,
she knows what she's talkingabout.
She's specific.
We are going to get into this.
So today we're going to talkabout the 10 lessons you've
learned about marriage in your40 years of marriage.
(03:08):
So let's dive right in.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Okay, so this is not AI.
Actually it's Michael, myhusband.
The two of us kind of worktogether, so it's both of us
together that we've come up withthis list and I think that, for
those who are listening, youmay find a point that hits you,
or you may find a point thatyou're like, oh yeah, my spouse
could really work on that and itdoesn't matter.
We just all want to look at ourmarriage and see how can we
(03:34):
improve what we have going.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Thank you for saying that.
I always say you know, controlthe controllables and your
spouse is not a controllable thecontrollables and your spouse
is not a controllable.
You have control over yourselfand what you're able to put into
the marriage, and they havecontrol over what they can do
and what they can put into themarriage.
But I love that you and Michaelput this list together, because
(03:58):
that's very special that he hadinput on this as well.
Well, what's number one?
All right, hit it.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
All right.
So the first one is that yourfriendship as a couple is the
most critical component of yourmarriage.
And I think what happens whenwe get married is that it's a
funny thing I have anotherpodcast on what happened to the
bride it's like we, we can'twait to get married and then we
forget about the nurturing ofeach other.
(04:28):
We're like, okay, now I'mmarried and now we're just going
to go live our lives, but wereally have to keep that
nurturing of each other going.
And then when we have children,it's even more of a challenge.
Right, it's the crying of thekids, it's the who needs to eat
and what diaper needs to bechanged.
You know, moving forward inadolescence, it's who needs to
(04:49):
get a ride.
Where, where are they going?
So I think what's reallycritical is that first of all,
we remember that our marriage isthe first order of priority God
first, but then our marriageand then our children.
And so often we get caught inputting the kids first and we
(05:10):
kind of forget about each other.
And whenever you don't tend tosomething you know, like a
garden, for instance, if you'renot tending to it and feeding it
and watering it, it'll just die.
And that's what happens veryoften to marriages because we're
not tending to it in a way thatis very conscious.
So, you know, we go through theday and there's that Eisenhower
(05:32):
matrix I don't know if you'veheard of it where it's like
what's urgent and not urgent,what is important and not
important, and so often we alllive our day in what feels
urgent but it's not important.
And what I would like toencourage people to see is that
their marriage is urgent and isimportant and so it should be in
(05:53):
that first corner of the matrixand just make sure that we're
always nurturing, every day, ourspouse.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
So good.
You talked about friendship,being critical and being a
friend to your spouse, andthat's how we met right, as we
became friends, fast friends,and then things developed from
there and you're so right thatso many things happen with
children and illnesses andschool and you can become two
ships passing in the night.
(06:22):
But it takes real intentionaleffort to keep a friendship
going in your marriage and Iwould underscore that a hundred
times that you can be marriedand in this union with each
other but really not feel likefriends, and my husband and I
have been in that position notthat far in the past where you
(06:47):
know it's like you're not realfun to live with, like where was
my friend?
You know, and so I, I love justthe word friendship accompanied
with you know, the term ofmarriage and the union of being,
you know, to become one like wereally have to focus on being
friendly to one another.
(07:09):
Right, I don't know about you,janet, but you know, if you
think about a friend, a friendcould leave the relationship at
any time.
Right, because they're notmarried to you, they're not your
relative, it's someone that youchose because you like to be
with them, you like certainqualities about them.
And for me I felt like you know, once I got married and started
(07:32):
having kids, it was like, well,we're stuck together and we got
to make this work, and thetrying to be friendly with my
husband was just sort of likenot even on my radar, and I
nobody really told me that thatwas something I needed to try at
, or, or you know, put efforttowards.
(07:53):
And so it wasn't till later thatI went.
Like man, I have not been afriend to him.
Is that your experience whenyou coach women too?
Is it you notice that there'sthis lack of friendship?
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Yeah, it's all about getting things done in the day
and it's not about having funtogether, doing new things
together.
And throughout our 40 years wehave hit places where we would
look at each other and say, ok,we need to do something
different, we need to dosomething fun.
So I mean, even on our 40thanniversary, we said let's make
(08:27):
a resolution that once a monthwe do something different,
something fun, a new experiencethat we have together.
Speaker 1 (08:37):
And it just breathes life into your relationship.
I love that tip doing somethingnew that you haven't done
before together as a couple.
So it brings that kind ofadventure and that newness and
that playfulness back into yourrelationship.
Right, so good, be a friend.
Right, friendship is critical.
What?
Speaker 2 (08:55):
else.
Okay.
So number two came from Michael, because I had no idea about
this.
But number two is and whetheryou're, you know, the husband or
the wife in your relationship,it can apply to both.
But he said that our husbandrelies on our encouragement, our
(09:16):
tenderness and our confidencein him to be strong in the world
.
And it can apply both ways, butI think more so to men.
What I did not understand?
So I was a stay-at-home momwith the kids for most of our
marriage and Michael was workingat a fancy law firm and he
would go off and he would begone and he would wine and dine
(09:36):
the clients and I'm home with,you know, grilled cheese and the
kids.
And I was thinking he's livingthe life and I am not Right.
And what I did not realize wasthat he longed to be at home
with me and the kids.
And I think that's reallyimportant for women to remember,
whether they're stay at homemoms or they work outside the
(10:00):
home.
We all have to remember that ourgreatest heart's desire is to
be with each other and so not toassume that you know, someone's
got it better than the other.
But then also, when wereconnect, at the end of the day
we stop everything and connectwith a hug and a kiss and a hi.
(10:22):
How are you and Michael and Ialways, no matter where we're
going, even if we're just goingup to the store, we always kiss
each other goodbye and we alwayskiss each other hello, and it's
just part of the way weinteract with each other.
And what he told me was thatwhen you know, I was home with
grilled cheese and six kidsnumber seven came a little while
later, but he said when hewalked in the door and I would
(10:45):
stop what I was doing and gogreet him, he said it was the
best part of his day.
He said it made him feel like hewas worth something to someone,
rather than kind of a commodityright Doing a thing for people
to earn money.
He came home and felt like thisis what it's about.
So I think it's reallyimportant for women especially
(11:08):
to remember that our husbandsneed that encouragement and
tenderness and the affection toreally bolster who they are, you
know, throughout the day.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yes, words of encouragement, the connection
before correction right, we talkabout that all the time on our
show is that you know.
When your husband comes in, areyou asking him, did you get
Joey from basketball practice?
Before you say, hello, how wasyour day, give him a kiss, give
him a hug, connect with himbefore you, you know, take
(11:45):
action to correct something thathe's done, or you know, give
him a to-do.
I love your habit of you knowgreeting each other when you
come in the door, hugging a kissbefore you leave to go anywhere
.
Just that small habit and thatconnection makes such a
difference to both of you.
Speaker 2 (12:06):
Yeah, it really did.
And you know what?
I didn't realize how much Ineeded it.
You know, I think we get aswomen sometimes we get so caught
up in taking care of thechildren that we forget really
that we need to be taken care of.
So when his arms went around me, I felt that same connection
and encouragement and tenderness.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
I love that and that makes me want to encourage all
listeners to just you know, holdon a little longer in your hugs
right.
Because sometimes that can gethurried too, where it's just
like a quick pat and then you'reon your way, but just make it a
good long.
Quick pat, and then you're onyour way, but just make it a
(12:48):
good long, like uncomfortable 30seconds at the beginning, and
then it'll start feelingcomfortable and, like you
mentioned, janet, just you startallowing yourself to accept
that love and that connectionfrom your spouse and to feel the
connection from the embrace andremind yourself that you are
worth that connection and thatbeing taken care of in that
(13:10):
physical sense that you'reconnecting with your spouse,
even if your kids are pulling atyour pant leg and you know,
whining in the background.
It's important to show them too.
Hey, this union comes first.
Right, we created this wholefamily.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
All right and one go ahead.
One of the things I wanted tomention that you had in your
article is that you said youknow men are constantly
assaulted with insecurities andinadequacies that they're not
doing enough, and so coming hometo a wife who brings all that
up for them is just crushing.
It just affirms that thoseinsecurities they already feel
(13:48):
are true, and so we, as women,want to be sure that we are
offering a very safe place forthem to land, after all the
rejections of their day, whetherit be sales or whatever their
jobs are, that that home is agreat place to connect and that
we will be a sure place oftenderness and encouragement for
(14:09):
them.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
Right For sure.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
So good Okay.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Number three how I say what I say and why I say
what I say is critical to therespect he feels from me.
And this can go both ways whenMichael and I married.
So back up for a second.
I'm the only girl of threechildren in my family and I tell
(14:36):
my kids when I started havingthem that they would have more
virtue going into marriage thanI ever had, simply because I
didn't have to learn how toshare.
I didn't have to learn how toget along because my brothers
were off on their own and I waspretty much by myself.
And so when I met Michael, Iwas not aware that the way I
spoke was pretty demanding.
It's pretty probablydisrespectful.
(14:56):
And the week before we gotmarried I was moving into our
apartment.
We lived in married studenthousing while he finished law
school at Notre Dame and wemoved into the apartment and he
took a lamp out of my car totake up to the apartment and it
was my grandmother's lamp and hedropped it and he broke it and
(15:17):
I don't even actually rememberwhat I said.
But he turned to me and he saidnever speak to me like that
again.
It's just a lamp.
And of course my first reactionwas angry with him, Like how
dare you speak to me like that,right?
Sure, but he really was 100%true, it was just a lamp.
(15:38):
And so we have to be verycareful about the tone that we
take, and sometimes that makesall the difference in the world
in what we're saying.
And as I got certified as alife coach just about five years
ago, I really understood howimportant the tone was with the
way we speak to each other, andso I just really want to
(16:00):
encourage people to think aboutwhat they say, because you can't
unhear something, and then alsoto be very careful about the
way you say it.
So sometimes you know, whenwe're in the midst of an
argument we'll just throwsomething out to hurt, and we
really want to get a hold ofthat because that, like I said,
(16:23):
you can't unsay it and theycan't unhear it, and it can
really cause damage to arelationship Along those lines
and I think this goes back tothe last one where I talked
about making him feel confidentin the world.
But there are a number ofstudies that indicate that men
would rather be respected thanloved in a relationship and
(16:44):
women would rather be loved thanrespected, and that kind of
explains a little why somepeople women who are abused
physically or emotionally, theystill come back to the marriage.
It's because they have thatfeeling of need to be loved.
And so we want to be carefulthat when we're speaking to our
husbands, that we speak withrespect, because that's what
(17:08):
they need to hear.
And for the husbands, we wantto help them understand that
when they're speaking to theirwives, their tone also can make
a wife feel unloved, make a wifefeel unloved.
And so we really want to bevery careful about the tone and
how we say, what we say and whywe're saying it.
(17:29):
Are we just trying to, you know, score points or do
one-upmanship, or is what we'resaying really important to the
conversation?
Or you know the conflict thatwe're trying to resolve?
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Yes, yes, how we say things and the words we choose
really do matter to our spouse.
They are our beloved.
We don't want to throw daggersright, but sometimes we get in
that scorekeeping mode, or well,you did this and so I'm going
to sling this at you.
I like how you pointed out youknow the difference in men and
(18:01):
women and how men prefer to berespected and women really need
to be loved.
I love that book Love andRespect.
It really goes into that veryspecifically.
And you're like, yes, thismakes so much sense with our
temperaments and our nature asmen and women how different we
are.
And one thing I think that Ihave learned over 20 years of
(18:22):
marriage is, just like you know,you know I have this habit of
being passive, aggressive.
And then I want to explain it aslike well, oh, I was just
joking.
My husband's like Jordan, yourface does not indicate that you
are joking.
That look is like you want medead, which equals disrespect,
(18:44):
and so it does me no good to say, oh, but that's not what I
meant.
That's not what I meant, that'show he's receiving it, and so
it took me years to go.
You know what.
I am so sorry that that wasdisrespectful.
No, I will really work to makesure that what I say matches my
(19:06):
facial expression, Right, right.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
And also to remember that you know, we have a sarcasm
problem in our family as welland we just, you know when
someone said to us, there'salways a little bit of truth to
the sarcasm.
So sometimes sarcasm is funny,you know, especially if it's
self-deprecating.
It can be kind of funny, butwhen we use it with our spouse
it often isn't funny.
There is a subtle messageunderneath that.
We're trying to deliver with alittle ha ha, but everybody gets
(19:35):
the subtle message.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
So yes, and really there's no need to just point
out your spouse's faults.
I instead, like you said,backing up on words of
encouragement, always go so muchfurther than pointing out
something that they've donewrong or another misstep right,
because that can really play ontheir psyche when they're
(19:58):
already beating themselves upbecause maybe they know that
they did something wrong, orthey know they missed getting
back to that client or theymissed the family member's
birthday, and then you pointingout it again is just like
kicking them when they're down.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
Right, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Well, this is good.
Speaker 2 (20:16):
Number four is we need to be unified in our
parenting ideas and in ourvalues and goals for our family.
So I coach a lot of women inparenting.
I do marriage as well, but Ithink that people it's
interesting I think people thinkthe problem is in the parenting
, but actually the problem is inthe marriage, because you often
(20:40):
have two people.
Now think about it they atleast 22 years probably came
from a totally different familyeach of them, and now they come
together and they just expectthat you know they'll be right
on the same page and they'll doeverything the same way, and
it's never like that.
And so when we come together,whether it's at 22 or 25 or 40,
(21:01):
or we're still trying to workthis out as the children grow up
and get into you know, a newstage, and now we have to figure
out OK, how are we going todeal with, you know, teenagers?
We have to be working togetherto be on the same page, because
if we're not, it'll becompletely divisive in the whole
family and our marriage willsuffer.
(21:22):
So sometimes when I coach,people are like I mean, I've
coached couples where thehusband will say, well, she
wants to do it this way, and Ijust think that's wrong.
And the wife will say, well, hewants to do it that way and
it's just wrong.
And I will say to them okay,let's just take that the way it
is.
Now what?
Because your child is waitingfor one message, one voice.
(21:43):
Because if we give twodifferent messages to the
children, then they won't knowwhat to do and we will not
become more of a unified couple.
You know, we are one, ourhusband, our spouse and us.
We are one.
You know, our spouse andourselves, and that goes to the
way we parent our children aswell.
(22:05):
So my husband came from a really, really difficult family.
His dad served in World War IIand he was never the same when
he came out, and so when we gotmarried and back up and my
family, my parents, were verycalm and very regulated, but,
michaels, there was a lot ofyelling, there was a lot of
(22:26):
harsh treatment, there was a lotof just speaking tones that
just were not conducive to ahappy family life, and so he
brought that to his parentingbecause he didn't know any
better, and so he and I had alot of conflict in the beginning
about how to speak to thechildren.
Now I was wrong, because Iwould say don't talk to them
(22:49):
like that with the childrenright there.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Right.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
That was a classic disrespect of my spouse, and he
would get angry rightfully so,because I would embarrass him in
front of the children.
And so the two of us had tolearn how to do that dance where
we said can you just stop for asecond?
I'd like to talk to you in theother room and say you are being
too harsh.
Can you say what you want tosay without being so harsh?
(23:16):
And it took many years for usto figure that out, but I think
it's really absolutely critical.
It also comes with theboundaries.
You know, one spouse may haveloose boundaries for children
and the other may have reallystrong.
And what we have to remember iswe must come together to have
(23:36):
one voice for the children.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
Yes, being unified in parenting.
I can't agree with you more.
Just being a therapist for 20years working with parents, they
would come in and want thelatest and greatest parenting
technique.
And what is it that we can doto solve this one problem?
And I would say let's just setthat on the shelf for a while.
I know that seems like it's theanswer, but I think getting the
two of you on the same page andreally recognizing as a couple,
(24:05):
that you are a unified team iswhere we need to start.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
And I think part of that is helping them come
together in.
What result do you want?
What kind of adults do you wantthese children to become?
And so you know we don't.
I don't think we look at thatas we're raising our children,
we're in the midst of it.
But if we look at the resultthat we want and then we say,
okay, now, what actions do weneed to take to get that result,
(24:32):
it's much easier to cometogether in consensus to say,
okay, this is what we need to doto get that, to help that child
become that adult.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
Yes, be unified in parenting and keep the end in
mind.
Right.
How do we want them to turn outas adults, and are our actions
collectively moving them downthe field towards the end zone?
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Right, right, okay.
Number five is sacrifice foreach other is the super glue of
marriage.
So, like I said earlier, I wasan only girl in a family of
three and I didn't know muchabout sacrifice.
Michael was one of five and,like I said, he had a difficult
family life and he just knew alot about sacrifice.
(25:19):
And so, to be quite honest, hetaught me how to live
sacrificial love.
And when we live sacrificiallove start we stop thinking
about what we want, what doesthe other person need to do to
make us happy, and we startfocusing on the other person.
What can I do to show him thatI love him, how can I serve him?
(25:42):
And what is really interestingyou know you have to try it in
order to see it happen, becausepeople don't believe it that the
more you sacrifice like reallysacrificial love, not like, hey,
did you see what I did theother day, kind of thing.
You know, but the more you doit, the more they do it.
(26:03):
It's so interesting, it happensall the time.
So I would really say that thatis one of the keys to keeping a
marriage really strong is to,you know, sacrifice for each
other out of love, which meansyou do it joyfully and
cheerfully and without anyexpectations in return.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
Yes, a full giving of yourself to your spouse, like
you said, without scorekeepingor expecting anything in return.
Okay, self-sacrifice, it's theglue that holds a marriage
together, folks.
So be thinking of what you cando for your spouse in a small
way, even today, as you listento this.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Love it.
Yeah, and I think it's a smallway, but also for many, many
marriages it can be a big way.
It can be dealing with a spousewho has an addiction issue.
It may be infidelity in themarriage.
It may be really big thingsthat some people may think that
the people who have lived 40, 50years together didn't deal with
, and I would argue with that.
(27:08):
I would say almost everybodydeals with small and big places
where we have to sacrifice andyou know, the more we sacrifice
out of love, the more merit weget.
It not only helps them, but italso helps us become truly the
person that God has called us tobe in that relationship.
Yes, okay, number six is show mychildren that he is first.
(27:32):
So, whether it's whether you'rea man listening to this, show
your children that your wife isfirst and, for the women, show
your children that your husbandis first.
And it's really the properorder of things.
Right, we talk about God isfirst and we teach our children
that God is first in all of ourlives.
First, and we teach ourchildren that God is first in
(27:52):
all of our lives.
And then who's next?
And then it's my spouse.
So if I'm speaking to my spouseand a child comes up and wants
to get my attention, I say no,wait, I'm talking to your dad,
you have to wait and be patient,and so it's really important.
It kind of goes back to andmany of these you kind of see
overlapping, but it goes back tothat first thing about our
friendship is the most criticalcomponent of our marriage.
(28:13):
We have to have our spousefirst and our children need to
see that in many tangible ways.
Okay, yes, when I would leave togo on retreat or to go out of
town or something and Michaelwas in charge, he would always
do things differently than I didthem, like they would stay up
late and they would watch, youknow, some movies that weren't
(28:33):
bad, but not you know, the bigjoke in our house was when I
went on retreat and dad let themwatch 101 Dalmatians and I
wouldn't let them watch itbecause the word idiot was used.
Dad let them watch it and dadwould make this cheesy rice
thing, which was kind ofdisgusting, but my you know, 36
year old, still talk about howgreat it was.
(28:54):
It was a.
It's a great at first.
I came home I'm like, no, youcan't do that, michael, you've
got to do it the way.
But the kids understood that forthat time, when dad was in
charge, they could do thingsdifferently.
And then when mom came back in,we went right back to our
schedule and we did the things.
And so we want to let our kidssee that we let our spouse be in
(29:15):
control, which sounds kind ofstrange, I think, for women,
many women we tend to not letour husband take the lead and do
the things that you know,really, his part is so important
with the kids.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
Yes, I love that and let him do it his way, because
the kids do know their place.
When you are back, they knowthey're not going to get away
with the 101 Dalmatians.
That's right, there's not goingto be any weird.
You know, cheesy rice beingserved.
Yeah, yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
And also it brings both personalities into it.
So I am a rule follower andMichael is a risk taker.
And we had we had anopportunity in 1999 when Pope St
John Paul II came to St Louisseat right.
(30:11):
But Michael took our twoyoungest at the time, mary Grace
and Patrick, and we made littleflowers and he went up to the
Secret Service line when thePope was coming down and
greeting people and he said tothem hey, can you guys go under
the rope and go and off.
They went with a big hug and akiss for the Pope and that's an
experience that they never wouldhave had if I was in charge,
because I am a rule follower.
(30:32):
So I just really offer to women, especially if your husband is
not that rule follower, it'sokay, in fact it's great.
Let the children have bothsides of you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Yes, after all, he has kept himself safe enough to
be alive and kicking and workinghis job and in a relationship
with you, so he's certainly notgoing to let worse happen to his
children.
That is such a great piece ofadvice.
Like they're going to do itdifferent.
Let them do it different.
This is a beautiful way foryour kids to witness the
(31:06):
difference in men and women, thedifference in temperament and
personality and upbringing, andyou give them the freedom to be
the type of parent that lightsthem up.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
For sure, yeah, oh that's so good.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
It made me think of when you said you know you need
to be sure that your kids knowthat your spouse comes first.
One of the things that westarted doing your spouse comes
first One of the things that westarted doing.
Just a simple thing in churchis when the pastor says okay,
(31:40):
give a sign of peace to thosearound you.
If I was down on one end of thepew and my husband was on the
other and we had kids in themiddle, we would just go and
find each other and give eachother a kiss first thing.
It was like no, before we, youknow, shake hands with our kids
or give them a hug, we're goingto unite first.
And that was just a visual wayfor them to witness that man,
that other person, dad is reallyimportant to mom.
(32:03):
She just ignores us until she'sgot her kiss from him first.
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Right, right, just those little, small things.
Yeah, it's so great, it's sogood.
Yes, number seven is andthere's no order of importance
here Number seven is pray forhim, and that should be number
one, two, three, all the way youknow to 10.
We just need to pray for ourspouse, husbands, pray for your
(32:27):
wives, pray for them to haveconfidence and patience and all
those virtues that they need toraise children and wives.
Pray for your husband that youknow they have the strength to
combat what the world isthrowing at them.
I think our culture throwsdifferent things at men and
(32:50):
different things at women, andthey're both difficult them.
I think our culture throwsdifferent things at men and
different things at women, andthey're both difficult.
Sometimes, I think the men getthe worst end of the stick on
that.
So we really want to pray forhim that you know he's holy,
that he's close to God, that heworks well and that he is a good
father and just a good child ofGod.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Yes, I have this wonderful book that a friend of
mine wrote.
Her name is Katie Hartfield andthe book is called Provide the
Armor and it's for women.
It's just one page a day.
Women to pray for theirhusbands or their future
husbands.
Just a few minutes each day,with a scripture passage at the
top and then a little reflectionand then a prayer prompt at the
(33:33):
bottom.
And I have been doing that fora year every morning.
And just to know that I amputting spiritual effort towards
my husband and helping toprovide that armor that he needs
, that spiritual armor tosupport himself, me, our family,
his business has just been atotal game changer.
I just highly recommend prayingfor your spouse.
(33:56):
Oh, this is awesome, janet.
I ran across this statistic.
You've got to share this withyour clients, so we know that
married couples are stilldivorcing at a rate of 50% in
the.
United States still divorcing ata rate of 50% in the United
States.
So good news is if you go tochurch with your spouse every
Sunday, that goes down to 26%chance of divorce.
(34:19):
If you pray with your spouseevery day, your chance of
divorce goes down to 0.0006%chance.
Speaker 2 (34:31):
Wow, that's amazing.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
Yeah, Total safeguard on your marriage to pray
together as a couple, not withthe whole family for family
prayers, but specifically justhusband and wife.
I say 90 seconds a day, youknow, to safeguard your marriage
.
Speaker 2 (34:48):
Yeah, we do it at night.
I'm not a pray out loud person.
Michael is again difference inour personalities, but he really
kind of insisted upon it many,many years ago.
And so we just sit on the bedand we hold hands, which you
know if you're having a toughday if you're not happy with
each other.
When you grab each other's hand,it's almost like you kind of
(35:10):
melt into, I don't know.
It's just a peaceful feeling,and we pray for our kids, we
pray for our marriage, we prayfor things that each of us, you
know, have been asked to prayfor, and we just really pray for
protection.
So, yeah, I think that's, Iguess, how I got to 40 years,
right, if I percentage'll tellyou.
Speaker 1 (35:30):
That's right.
Yes, pray for your spouse.
For sure I love it Okay let'skeep going, okay.
Speaker 2 (35:36):
Number eight is be empathetic and don't keep score.
So you know, really always seekto look for the good things and
not all those negative things.
Our brain always wants to findthe negative in everything.
There's a statistic out therethat we have like 60,000
thoughts a day and 80% arenegative.
And I think when you know thatyou're like, oh, this is just my
(35:58):
brain being negative.
So we really want to beempathetic to our spouse and
really see the good and not keepthe score of who did what.
Am I ahead, you know?
Is she ahead?
We want to give the benefit ofthe doubt to each other and we
don't want to assume that theiractions mean something they
(36:18):
don't mean.
Just just ask, right, becauseso often we'll just make an
assumption that what they did,they were trying to, you know,
do something to hurt me orwhatever.
It's probably not true that Imean so many times.
My husband is just, he's justjust out to lunch, right, he's
just, he's got his mind on otherthings, it has nothing to do
with me and so, yeah, so we wantto really be empathetic and and
(36:40):
just be curious about what elsecould this be, and then don't
keep score on who's right andwho's wrong, and who won last
time, and you know it's just notthe way to live.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Yeah, I love how you said you know, just ask if, if,
if you're assuming ill intentand you just got that in your
mind, that they're, they're outto you know, harm you in some
way, or that was really nasty ofthem to say, hey, what did you
mean by that when you said suchand such?
Because what I'm telling myselfabout what you said is really,
(37:11):
you know, wreaking havoc on meand my self-esteem or my
confidence or whatever.
So I want to know from you whatwas it that you meant by that?
Just ask for clarificationright.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
Right, perfect, okay.
Number nine is be patient withhis temperament.
That kind of goes back toletting him be who he is.
You know, the things that welove about our husband before we
marry them are the things orour spouse are the things that
probably will drive us crazy.
I love that.
Michael.
Was you know this risk takerbecause I was not.
And then, after we got married,I'm like no, I do not like you
(37:44):
taking chances and I just had toreally be open to that because
it has brought so much joy intoour life.
So just really be patient.
You know we are all on ajourney.
Nobody is perfect.
We're all trying to developmore virtue and we just have to
be patient with each other.
The idea that marriage is apath to sanctity is really
(38:06):
really true.
We're helping each other beholier, have more sanctity, not
by being critical andcomplaining and correcting, but
by loving more and just, youknow, being more patient and
growing in virtue towards ourspouse.
Speaker 1 (38:24):
Yes, and accepting their quirks and their flaws and
their dad jokes and their momflaws.
Right, it's just having justthis acceptance that you know
what I'm not perfect either meon a daily basis, without even
(38:46):
uttering a word to me about alittle irritations and
annoyances, that I can grow invirtue by doing that too, that
not everything deserves acomment.
If there's something thatannoys you or bothers you, it's
okay to let it go without makinga deal of it with your spouse.
Actually, I think it makesthings a lot more harmonious for
(39:09):
you to do that.
Speaker 2 (39:11):
Yeah, I have gotten into a habit of saying, well,
that's just Michael, that's justMichael, and it kind of cuts
away the emotion.
It's just who he is.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
That's right, it's just part of who he is.
Dad jokes, that's my man, sotrue.
Speaker 2 (39:27):
Okay, number 10, sometimes it's better to let the
sun go down before an argumentis resolved.
Now this may be controversial,but I find that if we are
arguing and it's 10 o'clock atnight, it just gets worse and
we're tired, we're on, knoweverything is on high emotion,
(39:49):
and so sometimes I think it'slike, okay, let's talk about
this tomorrow.
I can't talk about it anymorebecause I am too emotional, so
can we just talk about ittomorrow?
And then tomorrow.
Sometimes it takes till aboutnoon before we can really calm
down and see each other with agood perspective, and then we
can come in and say, hey, I'msorry, I did that, or could you
(40:10):
explain this to me?
And we just have betteremotional regulation at that
point.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
I'm so glad to hear you say that, because that's
such a myth about how you haveto go to bed, you know, with all
conflict resolved.
I have never had thatexperience in my marriage and
it's always been better if wejust let it rest.
While we are resting, right, Ijust think at the end of the day
, like you said, you know, weare like a car that's out of gas
(40:39):
.
We have no gas in the tank.
We're sputtering around,there's black smoke coming out
of us.
You know, it is not a good timeto have a rational conversation
about something that probablystarted in an irrational way
anyway, because we're burnt outand exhausted.
Speaker 2 (40:55):
Yes, yeah.
And also, if you're like myhusband who fell asleep in the
middle of an argument like that,now I have something else to be
angry about.
So, yeah, so I think that Iunderstand.
I think a lot of priests givethat you know, advice when
you're preparing for marriage,and I get the idea of it.
But practically speaking,sometimes you just have to say,
let's you know, swing backtomorrow and talk more about it.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Yes, I know.
One of the rules for fightingfair I used to really emphasize
with couples is that you don'twant to leave your partner
feeling like you've hijackedtheir emotions by saying I'm
done, I can't talk about thisanymore, and then not telling
them when you plan to return tothe conversation.
That it's of utmost respect ifyou say you know I've got to
(41:42):
take a time out, I got to sleepon this one, but you know by
lunchtime tomorrow we can meetup and I'll be ready to talk
then.
Then they can kind of like feelokay, that they know that this
isn't just going to be blown offor that they're just going to
be waiting to see if you everreturn.
That's a hard position to be in.
(42:03):
If you've ever had somebody dothat to you is to just kind of
leave you hanging.
Speaker 2 (42:07):
Yeah, well, it's a power thing and we don't want to
do that in our marriage.
We don't want to have powercontrol yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Absolutely not.
These were awesome, Janet.
Speaker 2 (42:16):
Thank you the last one is bonus.
Look at it, look at yourmarriage as just the long haul,
like being committed to the longhaul, and for those who are
early in their marriage.
And you look at, there's acouple.
They have to be in their 90snow and they hold hands and they
walk every day and for a longtime, because I would see them
(42:38):
for a long over 30 years now andI would think, oh, they must
not have the problems that I'mhaving right now in my marriage.
And it's kind of what we talkedabout earlier.
Every marriage has issues andyou don't get to the place where
, like Michael and I are now,where we're just so happy, we
enjoy each other so much.
The kids are like what is upwith you and dad.
We're like this is what it'swhat it should be like.
(43:00):
You know, it's all good, but itcomes through being very
focused that we're gettinggetting through whatever it is
that we need to get through, andit may take a long time to get
through it, but what is the endresult?
We want to be together holdinghands when we're 90.
Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yes, oh, I love that.
I got that little picture in myhead of a 90-year-old couple
just kind of wobbling along andholding hands, and that's right.
Marriage is the long game, youknow, and and the suffering and
and all the ups and downs andthe little detours on the the
(43:38):
road of life that we go throughtogether are part of what kind
of refine us as a couple andmake the years when our kids are
, you know, moving out of thehouse and and we are in
retirement, really those goldenyears where we're like you are
awesome, you are awesome, Right,Like we really enjoy this
(43:58):
grandparenting thing because wejourneyed together through those
rough times.
So great advice.
40 years of marriage, sevenkids, 22 plus grandkids.
Speaker 2 (44:12):
Yeah, two more coming this year, so we could let you
every other year.
Speaker 1 (44:17):
I love it.
This is so awesome.
Well, tell us a little bit moreabout what you do in your
coaching, and you have somecourses to offer our listeners,
so let us know what you're doingfor married couples.
Speaker 2 (44:32):
Okay.
So first you can go tojanetquinlandcom Everything is
there.
But so I focus really onmarriage and parenting.
And I do have a standalonemother-in-law daughter-in-law
dynamic course and that's forpeople who, whether you're in
conflict with your in-law, it'sfor mothers in law or
daughters-in-law, so both cantake it and I address both sides
(44:56):
of things and it's a self-studycourse and it's if you want to
improve your relationship or ifyou're really struggling to
really, you know, if you don't,if you have a terrible
relationship, it will help you.
So that's a standalone course.
And then I have two differentways that I coach.
One is I call it well, I'm ateacher by trade, so I call it
(45:17):
private tutoring.
So it's like one-on-onecoaching and there I meet with
people you can see the packagethere on my website and we just
talk and work through the issuesthat they're dealing with on a
one-on-one basis.
And then I also have it'scalled the Faith and Family
Project and it's a monthlymembership.
It's like my classroom, okay.
So I teach on a particulartopic.
(45:39):
So we have four pillars wherewe talk about marriage one month
, parenting, another month homemanagement and then always
underlining it, underlying it isour vocation, our call to this
marriage and motherhood in ourfaith, and so I will speak about
a particular topic and thenopen for questions and coaching,
(46:00):
and so that's there.
And then I also havevirtue-based parenting, which is
, yeah, I'm a busy grandma Neverin my years did I think I'd be
here.
But anyway, in, virtue-basedParenting is a course that also
comes with coaching, and it isjust really how to teach your
children the habits or virtuesthat will resolve all of those
(46:24):
misbehavior issues, right, yes,yeah, we have all these
different crazy parenting stylesof you have to do this and do
this and have these scripts andI'm like, no, it's really about
forming them in virtue.
So that's virtue-basedparenting.
So that's what I have to offer.
Speaker 1 (46:41):
Such great resources and this is like I do not
consider this competition.
I am so excited to recommendyou to our listeners because
there is just no shortage ofgood coaching and resources for
parents and married couplesthese days.
There's some, there's somewacky, weird philosophies out
(47:03):
there, and so we only bringpeople on the show who we highly
recommend.
I've tuned into your workshopsbefore and loved it, just won a
couple of weeks ago and took alittle nugget away you had
mentioned.
You know, when my kids wouldquestion my you know something
that I told them that we have todo differently or they
disagreed with you know kind ofa new rule I was laying down.
(47:25):
I really brought my faith intoit and I reminded them that I
stand before God and I have togive an accounting of my life
and how I reared my children andyou know what I did to to bring
them up in the faith and tobring them up in in what is
right and wrong and morals, andso this is something I take very
(47:49):
seriously.
It's like, yes, our kids arecapable of understanding the why
behind things.
It also helps them think aboutwhy they do things or choose not
to do things as well, right?
So lots of great little nuggetsand love, your personality and
just your real talk aboutmarriage and family life.
Speaker 2 (48:11):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (48:12):
I can tell your courses and your coaching be
very, very beneficial.
So, okay, we have Janet'swebsite linked in our show notes
.
If you get our weekly emails,you can also check your inbox,
because we have a link to herwebsite in our email that comes
out on Tuesdays as well.
So, janet, thank you so muchfor blessing us with your wisdom
(48:35):
.
40 years of marriage experiencewe just really appreciate what
you're doing.
Speaker 2 (48:40):
Thank you, I really appreciate you having me on.
Thanks, jordan, take careYou're welcome.
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Okay, guys, I will catch you on another episode of
our show real soon.
If you like what you heard heretoday, please be sure to share
this with your friends, familyand even your spouse.
Take care.
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