April 29, 2025 • 16 mins
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Relationship order matters more than most parents realize. When we prioritize our spouse above our children, we're not loving our kids less—we're actually giving them the priceless gift of security and teaching them what healthy relationships should look like.
In this episode, we explore the importance of correctly ordering our relationships:
• The proper order of relationships: spouse first, children second, extended family third, then community
• Prioritizing your spouse demonstrates the foundation of family that God designed from Genesis
• The pitfalls of misplaced priorities include feelings of abandonment for those closest to us
• Practical steps include scheduling regular date nights, creating family rhythms, learning to say no, and praying for wisdom
• Even in difficult marriages, small gestures can begin breaking down walls between spouses
Share this episode with a friend who might need to hear it and subscribe so you don't miss our next conversation about intentional relationships and practical parenting.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, parents, welcome back to our show, where
we are all about intentionalrelationships and practical
steps to enhance your marriageand your parenting.
Listen, today we're talkingabout something that might feel
a little uncomfortable at first,but trust me, it's one of the
(00:23):
most important things you can dofor your kids Prioritizing
relationships and no, I don'tmean just your relationships
with your kids, I mean all yourrelationships in the right order
, because how we love and carefor people in our lives teaches
(00:46):
our children how to love andcare for people in theirs.
So today, on this episode,we're going to just break it
down the right order ofrelationships.
Listen, I know better thananyone how much we love our kids
(01:06):
as parents.
I've been a parent coach for 20years, so I've worked with
hundreds of different coupleswho just absolutely adore their
children and I happen to adoremy three as well.
And if you're listening to thispodcast, and if you're
(01:27):
listening to this podcast, youare an intentional parent who
pours so much into your children.
But listen, your kids shouldnot be your number one
relationship.
Your spouse has to come first.
Yep, I said it.
I know some of you just tensedup a little bit, but here's why
(01:49):
when you prioritize yourmarriage, you're giving your
kids the security of a stronghome.
They see what a healthy,committed relationship looks
like and they grow up knowingwhat love, respect and true
partnership look like in reallife.
(02:10):
You see, when kids become thecenter of the home which often
happens after a couple has beenmarried and begin having
children the kids become thecenter of the home and the kids
might feel important in themoment, but they also learn then
that relationships are allabout them being the focus
(02:35):
instead of about mutual love andsacrifice, and later they may
struggle to be in relationshipswhere they aren't always the
center of attention.
So I want you to think aboutyour own child and imagine them
in their first datingrelationship.
(02:55):
If their girlfriend orboyfriend prioritizes, let's say
, going on vacation with theirfamily over spring break and
doesn't pick their phone up fora few days, if your child is
used to being number one, theyare going to panic.
This is going to be a verydifficult situation for them to
(03:17):
navigate, because they're notused to distance.
They're not used to somethingelse taking a little bit more
precedence over them.
So here's the order Spousefirst.
Your marriage is the foundation.
The two of you are what startedyour family and in order to
(03:41):
stay friends through the yearsof rearing children and beyond,
when they leave the home, yourspouse must be first in the
order of relationships.
Kids definitely come second.
They're our offspring, they arethe gift and the fruit that
(04:01):
came from our marriage, thefoundation of the family.
Right, kids should be loveddeeply, but not above your
marriage, and then next extendedfamily and friends Again very
important relationships, but notyour core relationships.
Then comes neighbors and yourchurch community, vital for
(04:27):
support, right, but not at thecost of your home life.
This is the way God designed it.
Let's think back to Genesis.
He put Adam and Eve togetherfirst, before children were ever
in the picture.
The family unit started with acouple, not kids, and when we
(04:52):
honor that design, everyonebenefits, including our children
.
There's some real pitfalls ofgetting it backwards and I know
because there were many, manyyears in my marriage where I
prioritized my kids above myspouse.
(05:12):
I basically benched my spouseand was running the ball down
the field on my own, kind ofdoing everything for everyone in
my family, and my spouse took aback seat, and that's a very
sad thing that happens in familylife.
A very sad thing that happensin family life.
(05:33):
So the beauty in all of thisand the beauty in this message
is that there is hope.
You can turn your prioritiesaround as soon as today,
prioritizing your spouse.
But the pitfalls of getting itbackward are that when we mix up
our priorities, theserelationships, the people
closest to us our spouse and ourkids end up feeling abandoned.
(05:57):
Right, we had these close,tight-knit relationships with
them and then all of a suddenthey feel detached from those
and that's traumatic for them.
So I don't know, have you everfound yourself kind of saying
yes to every church event orevery volunteer request at the
(06:18):
school or every friend who asksfor your help, while your spouse
and your kids get yourleftovers?
Maybe you show up big forpeople at work because you get a
paycheck in recognition, whileyour family just expects you to
be there.
That can feel heavy, right,it's actually easier sometimes
(06:42):
to help people who don't haveexpectations of us.
I understand that there's nostrings attached.
I understand that there's nostrings attached.
It's a clean transaction yourtime, your effort and then a
thank you or a paycheck.
But family family is messy.
There's no end of the shift.
(07:04):
There's no bonus check forbeing a great spouse or parent,
but your family should neverhave to wonder if they are your
priority.
Listen, the pressure to beeverything to everyone is highly
overrated, and I want to take asecond to just talk to the moms
(07:26):
here, because I know there's somuch guilt.
Talk to the moms here because Iknow there's so much guilt
around this.
I've talked to many mothers whosay they feel guilty if they
spend time with their kids butthey haven't connected with
their husband.
Yeah, that's because the orderof priority is kind of mixed up
and your conscience is speakingto you.
(07:48):
Or you feel guilty if you taketime for your marriage and then
you leave your kids with asitter.
Oh, another set of things tofeel guilty about.
And let's not even start onfeeling guilty for not keeping
up with friendships like youused to before having kids.
That can be a real issue aswell.
But let me free you from thatguilt.
(08:11):
Okay, having a big, activesocial life as a parent?
It's not realistic and it'sokay.
You are in a season of lifewhere the main focus is your
home.
You were called by God to be amarried person and to be a
parent, and that's where thefocus needs to reside and that's
(08:36):
actually where you're going tofind your joy and your
fulfillment is saying no to someof those extra outside things
that aren't core relationshipsfor you.
Now you can still havefriendships, but if your life
looks like a weekly rotation ofgirls nights and like deep
(08:59):
hearts to heart with fivedifferent friends, while your
husband and kids are barelygetting quality time with you,
something's out of balance.
And the same thing goes for youguys.
If you're prioritizing yourcareer and you're traveling
multiple days a week and then onyour days home, you're so
exhausted that you can't dateyour spouse and you can't
(09:20):
prioritize helping around thehouse.
This is a misorder ofpriorities in your relationship.
So I'm going to give you somepractical ways to reprioritize
the relationships in your life.
What can we do to make surethat we are keeping our
relationships in right order?
(09:42):
Number one schedule yourmarriage first.
At Family as a Character, wealways talk about the family
calendar and how, if somethingisn't on the calendar, it
doesn't happen.
So scheduling your marriagefirst means putting a weekly or
bi-weekly date night on thecalendar.
(10:04):
Yes, get the sitter.
And no, you shouldn't feelguilty about that.
You don't have to feel guiltyabout that.
A healthy marriage isabsolutely one of the best gifts
you can give to your children.
And if you don't nurture therelationship through dating,
(10:24):
through attentive conversations,through a 15 minute check-in
with your spouse, when you meetback up at home, at the end of
the day, the relationship isgoing to fail, friends.
So prioritizing that time withyour spouse and actually
scheduling it on the calendar isthe most important thing you
(10:47):
can do to keep your marriage thefoundation of the family.
Second is create family rhythms.
Set aside some consistentquality time as a family,
whether it's Sunday dinners orFriday night fun, family night
right, daily bedtime prayers.
(11:09):
These are ways that you canbuild that unity within your
family.
So you're dating your spouse,you're making time to connect
with your spouse for 15 minutesa day, which, by the way, is
less than 1% of your total day.
Doing those things, incombination with some family
(11:31):
rhythms with your kids involved,helps reinforce that security
for your kids where they reallyunderstand that they matter and
then learn to say no right.
You don't have to sign up forevery committee or help every
friend in crisis.
There is absolutely no trophyor no bonus check for doing that
(11:54):
kind of thing.
If saying yes to others meanssaying no to your spouse or kids
.
Take a hard look at that andreally reconsider and then pray
for wisdom.
One of the best prayers asparents we can pray is just to
(12:15):
ask God to show us where ourrelationships are out of order
and to give us the courage torealign them.
You know, that's a real prayerof humility, where you say Lord,
just show me where I've got itbackwards, just show me how it
is that I am prioritizing otherpeople above my spouse or even
(12:38):
my work above my kids.
Help to show me where my weakpoints are so that I can do
something to correct that orderof priorities.
Listen, I know this is hard.
It can be a difficult messageto hear and if your marriage
feels like it's on the rocks, Iget it.
(12:59):
Sometimes you feel like hangingout with your kids or investing
more time in your kids.
It's a good escape from thehardships of what you're going
through in your marriage.
But if that's you, if you'relistening right now, and you say
my kids are way more fun tohang out with than my spouse, I
want you to just pray and askGod to soften your heart, to
(13:22):
just soften your heart towardsyour spouse and make one small
effort to do something for yourspouse that might kind of break
down that wall today, that mightinvite them back into your
space in a kind way.
It might be a simple note intheir lunch or on their bathroom
(13:44):
mirror, or just grabbing theirhand and saying you know what
this is rough, but we're goingto get through this and I'm
committed to be your teammate.
I am for you, I am with you.
We are on the same team here.
Sometimes that's all it takesto just break down that wall and
(14:05):
get connected again as husbandand wife.
I know that this message ofprioritizing your marriage even
above your kids is quitecountercultural, and that's okay
.
A lot of our messages here atFamilies of Character are
countercultural and we're goodwith that.
We understand the truth andwhat God calls us to and we're
(14:29):
not afraid to share that becausewe know that that's where true
joy and fulfillment in lifecomes from.
So when the world tells you todo it all and be super involved
in your kids' lives and to be anamazing friend and an all-star
volunteer and a career rock star, I want you to think at what
(14:50):
cost Parents, your kids, arewatching you.
They will learn how toprioritize relationships by how
you do it.
They'll learn to cherish theirspouse because they saw you
cherish yours, and they willlearn to set boundaries because
they saw you protect your home.
(15:12):
They will learn that familymatters because you made them
feel secure in yours.
So take a deep breath.
You don't have to be everythingto everyone.
You just have to be faithful tothe order God has given you,
(15:34):
and that starts friends at home.
Listen, thank you for spendingthis time with me today.
If this episode encouraged you,I want you to share it with a
friend who might need to hear ittoo, and, if you haven't
already be sure in your podcastapp, to hit the little plus
button up at the top andsubscribe so you don't miss the
(15:58):
next episode of the Families ofCharacter show and listen.
Until next time.
Keep loving your family welland living with intention.
I'll catch you on anotherepisode of our show real soon.
Take care, friends.
Hey there, parents, welcome back to our show, where
we are all about intentionalrelationships and practical
steps to enhance your marriageand your parenting.
Listen, today we're talkingabout something that might feel
a little uncomfortable at first,but trust me, it's one of the
(00:23):
most important things you can dofor your kids Prioritizing
relationships and no, I don'tmean just your relationships
with your kids, I mean all yourrelationships in the right order
, because how we love and carefor people in our lives teaches
(00:46):
our children how to love andcare for people in theirs.
So today, on this episode,we're going to just break it
down the right order ofrelationships.
Listen, I know better thananyone how much we love our kids
(01:06):
as parents.
I've been a parent coach for 20years, so I've worked with
hundreds of different coupleswho just absolutely adore their
children and I happen to adoremy three as well.
And if you're listening to thispodcast, and if you're
(01:27):
listening to this podcast, youare an intentional parent who
pours so much into your children.
But listen, your kids shouldnot be your number one
relationship.
Your spouse has to come first.
Yep, I said it.
I know some of you just tensedup a little bit, but here's why
(01:49):
when you prioritize yourmarriage, you're giving your
kids the security of a stronghome.
They see what a healthy,committed relationship looks
like and they grow up knowingwhat love, respect and true
partnership look like in reallife.
(02:10):
You see, when kids become thecenter of the home which often
happens after a couple has beenmarried and begin having
children the kids become thecenter of the home and the kids
might feel important in themoment, but they also learn then
that relationships are allabout them being the focus
(02:35):
instead of about mutual love andsacrifice, and later they may
struggle to be in relationshipswhere they aren't always the
center of attention.
So I want you to think aboutyour own child and imagine them
in their first datingrelationship.
(02:55):
If their girlfriend orboyfriend prioritizes, let's say
, going on vacation with theirfamily over spring break and
doesn't pick their phone up fora few days, if your child is
used to being number one, theyare going to panic.
This is going to be a verydifficult situation for them to
(03:17):
navigate, because they're notused to distance.
They're not used to somethingelse taking a little bit more
precedence over them.
So here's the order Spousefirst.
Your marriage is the foundation.
The two of you are what startedyour family and in order to
(03:41):
stay friends through the yearsof rearing children and beyond,
when they leave the home, yourspouse must be first in the
order of relationships.
Kids definitely come second.
They're our offspring, they arethe gift and the fruit that
(04:01):
came from our marriage, thefoundation of the family.
Right, kids should be loveddeeply, but not above your
marriage, and then next extendedfamily and friends Again very
important relationships, but notyour core relationships.
Then comes neighbors and yourchurch community, vital for
(04:27):
support, right, but not at thecost of your home life.
This is the way God designed it.
Let's think back to Genesis.
He put Adam and Eve togetherfirst, before children were ever
in the picture.
The family unit started with acouple, not kids, and when we
(04:52):
honor that design, everyonebenefits, including our children
.
There's some real pitfalls ofgetting it backwards and I know
because there were many, manyyears in my marriage where I
prioritized my kids above myspouse.
(05:12):
I basically benched my spouseand was running the ball down
the field on my own, kind ofdoing everything for everyone in
my family, and my spouse took aback seat, and that's a very
sad thing that happens in familylife.
A very sad thing that happensin family life.
(05:33):
So the beauty in all of thisand the beauty in this message
is that there is hope.
You can turn your prioritiesaround as soon as today,
prioritizing your spouse.
But the pitfalls of getting itbackward are that when we mix up
our priorities, theserelationships, the people
closest to us our spouse and ourkids end up feeling abandoned.
(05:57):
Right, we had these close,tight-knit relationships with
them and then all of a suddenthey feel detached from those
and that's traumatic for them.
So I don't know, have you everfound yourself kind of saying
yes to every church event orevery volunteer request at the
(06:18):
school or every friend who asksfor your help, while your spouse
and your kids get yourleftovers?
Maybe you show up big forpeople at work because you get a
paycheck in recognition, whileyour family just expects you to
be there.
That can feel heavy, right,it's actually easier sometimes
(06:42):
to help people who don't haveexpectations of us.
I understand that there's nostrings attached.
I understand that there's nostrings attached.
It's a clean transaction yourtime, your effort and then a
thank you or a paycheck.
But family family is messy.
There's no end of the shift.
(07:04):
There's no bonus check forbeing a great spouse or parent,
but your family should neverhave to wonder if they are your
priority.
Listen, the pressure to beeverything to everyone is highly
overrated, and I want to take asecond to just talk to the moms
(07:26):
here, because I know there's somuch guilt.
Talk to the moms here because Iknow there's so much guilt
around this.
I've talked to many mothers whosay they feel guilty if they
spend time with their kids butthey haven't connected with
their husband.
Yeah, that's because the orderof priority is kind of mixed up
and your conscience is speakingto you.
(07:48):
Or you feel guilty if you taketime for your marriage and then
you leave your kids with asitter.
Oh, another set of things tofeel guilty about.
And let's not even start onfeeling guilty for not keeping
up with friendships like youused to before having kids.
That can be a real issue aswell.
But let me free you from thatguilt.
(08:11):
Okay, having a big, activesocial life as a parent?
It's not realistic and it'sokay.
You are in a season of lifewhere the main focus is your
home.
You were called by God to be amarried person and to be a
parent, and that's where thefocus needs to reside and that's
(08:36):
actually where you're going tofind your joy and your
fulfillment is saying no to someof those extra outside things
that aren't core relationshipsfor you.
Now you can still havefriendships, but if your life
looks like a weekly rotation ofgirls nights and like deep
(08:59):
hearts to heart with fivedifferent friends, while your
husband and kids are barelygetting quality time with you,
something's out of balance.
And the same thing goes for youguys.
If you're prioritizing yourcareer and you're traveling
multiple days a week and then onyour days home, you're so
exhausted that you can't dateyour spouse and you can't
(09:20):
prioritize helping around thehouse.
This is a misorder ofpriorities in your relationship.
So I'm going to give you somepractical ways to reprioritize
the relationships in your life.
What can we do to make surethat we are keeping our
relationships in right order?
(09:42):
Number one schedule yourmarriage first.
At Family as a Character, wealways talk about the family
calendar and how, if somethingisn't on the calendar, it
doesn't happen.
So scheduling your marriagefirst means putting a weekly or
bi-weekly date night on thecalendar.
(10:04):
Yes, get the sitter.
And no, you shouldn't feelguilty about that.
You don't have to feel guiltyabout that.
A healthy marriage isabsolutely one of the best gifts
you can give to your children.
And if you don't nurture therelationship through dating,
(10:24):
through attentive conversations,through a 15 minute check-in
with your spouse, when you meetback up at home, at the end of
the day, the relationship isgoing to fail, friends.
So prioritizing that time withyour spouse and actually
scheduling it on the calendar isthe most important thing you
(10:47):
can do to keep your marriage thefoundation of the family.
Second is create family rhythms.
Set aside some consistentquality time as a family,
whether it's Sunday dinners orFriday night fun, family night
right, daily bedtime prayers.
(11:09):
These are ways that you canbuild that unity within your
family.
So you're dating your spouse,you're making time to connect
with your spouse for 15 minutesa day, which, by the way, is
less than 1% of your total day.
Doing those things, incombination with some family
(11:31):
rhythms with your kids involved,helps reinforce that security
for your kids where they reallyunderstand that they matter and
then learn to say no right.
You don't have to sign up forevery committee or help every
friend in crisis.
There is absolutely no trophyor no bonus check for doing that
(11:54):
kind of thing.
If saying yes to others meanssaying no to your spouse or kids
.
Take a hard look at that andreally reconsider and then pray
for wisdom.
One of the best prayers asparents we can pray is just to
(12:15):
ask God to show us where ourrelationships are out of order
and to give us the courage torealign them.
You know, that's a real prayerof humility, where you say Lord,
just show me where I've got itbackwards, just show me how it
is that I am prioritizing otherpeople above my spouse or even
(12:38):
my work above my kids.
Help to show me where my weakpoints are so that I can do
something to correct that orderof priorities.
Listen, I know this is hard.
It can be a difficult messageto hear and if your marriage
feels like it's on the rocks, Iget it.
(12:59):
Sometimes you feel like hangingout with your kids or investing
more time in your kids.
It's a good escape from thehardships of what you're going
through in your marriage.
But if that's you, if you'relistening right now, and you say
my kids are way more fun tohang out with than my spouse, I
want you to just pray and askGod to soften your heart, to
(13:22):
just soften your heart towardsyour spouse and make one small
effort to do something for yourspouse that might kind of break
down that wall today, that mightinvite them back into your
space in a kind way.
It might be a simple note intheir lunch or on their bathroom
(13:44):
mirror, or just grabbing theirhand and saying you know what
this is rough, but we're goingto get through this and I'm
committed to be your teammate.
I am for you, I am with you.
We are on the same team here.
Sometimes that's all it takesto just break down that wall and
(14:05):
get connected again as husbandand wife.
I know that this message ofprioritizing your marriage even
above your kids is quitecountercultural, and that's okay
.
A lot of our messages here atFamilies of Character are
countercultural and we're goodwith that.
We understand the truth andwhat God calls us to and we're
(14:29):
not afraid to share that becausewe know that that's where true
joy and fulfillment in lifecomes from.
So when the world tells you todo it all and be super involved
in your kids' lives and to be anamazing friend and an all-star
volunteer and a career rock star, I want you to think at what
(14:50):
cost Parents, your kids, arewatching you.
They will learn how toprioritize relationships by how
you do it.
They'll learn to cherish theirspouse because they saw you
cherish yours, and they willlearn to set boundaries because
they saw you protect your home.
(15:12):
They will learn that familymatters because you made them
feel secure in yours.
So take a deep breath.
You don't have to be everythingto everyone.
You just have to be faithful tothe order God has given you,
(15:34):
and that starts friends at home.
Listen, thank you for spendingthis time with me today.
If this episode encouraged you,I want you to share it with a
friend who might need to hear ittoo, and, if you haven't
already be sure in your podcastapp, to hit the little plus
button up at the top andsubscribe so you don't miss the
(15:58):
next episode of the Families ofCharacter show and listen.
Until next time.
Keep loving your family welland living with intention.
I'll catch you on anotherepisode of our show real soon.
Take care, friends.
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