June 17, 2025 • 26 mins
Send us a Text Message and suggest a topic or guest!
Marriage often gets pushed to the back burner when children arrive – but what if prioritizing your relationship is actually the best gift you can give your kids?
In this episode we explore:
- why prioritizing your marriage is crucial for the whole family to thrive.
- Greet each other enthusiastically when reuniting—showing affection in front of children builds their sense of security
- Establish consistent routines for children to create sacred evening time for your marriage
- Remember marriage has seasons—winter periods don't mean your relationship is doomed
- Take the first step toward reconnection with a text, hug, or moment of genuine listening
If this episode gave you hope or ideas, send it to a friend or listen to it with your spouse to start the conversation.
The Thriving Family Accelerator provides an easy, 3-step process to lower stress, parent as a united team, and enjoy a true friendship with your spouse & relationship with your kids. Sign up now for this live parent coaching with proven methods for positively engaging your family and redistributing the mental load.
Give $20 to keep the mic on. We're a 501 c(3) non-profit and produce this show for parents around the globe.
Discover the secrets to building a connected + thriving family. All you'll need is a few minutes of your week—it's easy!
Looking for things to combat boredom and bolster growth in your kids? Check out our Tame the Tech Bundle and the Best Me I Can Be Journal!
our website
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey there, friends.
Welcome back to the Families ofCharacter show, the podcast
that helps you raise kids ofgood character while keeping
your own character in check too.
Listen, I'm your host, jordanLangdon, and today we're diving
into a topic that is absolutelyessential, but it's often pushed
(00:23):
to the back burner.
We're talking about marriage,specifically, how to
intentionally prioritize yourmarriage while you're in the
thick of raising kids, even ifyou've got a house full of chaos
, dinner diapers, dishes, ato-do list longer than your arm,
diapers dishes, a to-do listlonger than your arm, and a
(00:46):
marriage that feels well, likeit's running on empty.
If this sounds familiar, you'renot alone.
Okay, maybe things do feeldistant for you right now, maybe
you're just surviving, maybeyou're doing okay, but you know
you're capable of more moreconnection, more being present,
(01:09):
more fun or more love.
I got to tell you.
We recently did a survey andasked parents who have grown
children now what is one skillor mindset shift that could
change everything for a coupleraising kids today, and the most
(01:31):
popular answer was this viewingyour marriage as the highest
priority, seeing yourselves asteammates for life.
Here's the truth bomb I want todrop right now.
Okay, you can prioritize yourmarriage, even in this season of
(01:55):
family life.
And not only can you, it'sactually one of the very best
things you can do for your kids,very best things you can do for
your kids.
So grab your coffee, take abreath and let's talk about how
to make that happen, with simple, realistic ways to shift your
(02:15):
marriage to the top of thepriority list, starting today.
Okay, let's just talk about whymarriage should come first.
Okay, yes, before kids.
Let's just get something out ofthe way right now.
Saying your marriage shouldcome before your kids, it
doesn't mean your kids aren'timportant Of course they are but
(02:39):
your marriage is the foundationof your family.
Your marriage is the veryfoundation of your family.
Think about this when kids seetheir parents united, respectful
, affectionate and connected,they feel safe.
(03:02):
They learn how to love bywatching you love your spouse,
and as a therapist for 20 years,I can say with certainty that
if you treat your relationshipwith your spouse as the one
that's most important in yourlife, even more than the one
(03:23):
with your children, the wholefamily will benefit.
So no, this isn't aboutignoring the needs of your
children.
It's about recognizing that thestrength of your partnership
with your spouse deeply affectsthe tone of the whole home.
(03:44):
So let's dive into small,doable habits that can make a
big difference in how connectedyou and your spouse feel.
It's important that we learnabout practical ways that we can
actually connect with ourspouse in our real day-to-day
lives.
(04:05):
So first I want to talk aboutjust greeting each other like
you mean it right.
When you have been separatedfrom your spouse for any period
of time and your spouse walks inthe door, how do you respond to
them?
Do you give them like a quicknod from across the room or do
(04:27):
you give them a warm hug and akiss like you're actually happy
to see them?
Make it a habit to greet eachother with the kind of
enthusiasm that you might showyour child, your three-year-old,
when you pick them up frompreschool.
Or the dog Sometimes we giveour dogs more attention than our
(04:49):
spouse our beloved lifelongpartners.
So it's okay if you run to yourspouse and give them a hug or
give them a kiss.
Let your kids giggle about this, right.
Let them see affection.
It gives them a deep sense ofsecurity to see you in love.
(05:12):
And I want to talk aboutbedtimes.
Okay, one couple that wecoached we helped get a bedtime
routine going for them.
They're married and have fivekids, and it was important for
them to be sure that their kidswere in bed by a certain time
every night, and one of thebenefits of doing that for all
(05:36):
of us is that you know, earlybedtimes aren't just for kids,
right?
You get your kids all in bed byeight o'clock every night.
They don't have to be asleep,but know that they need to be in
their room.
Mom and dad get their timeevery night, then, and that is
(05:57):
sacred.
That is blessed time for thetwo of you to have just that
time to connect in the eveningand quiet things down, even if
it's just 30 minutes, to chat orlaugh or sit in silence without
being interrupted and put thosephones away in another room.
(06:19):
That matters.
Bedtime, a consistent bedtimefor your kids so you can connect
in that evening hour, makessuch a difference.
And then, what if we thoughtabout chores or the day-to-day
things we have to do around thehouse?
What if we thought about doingthose as a team to elevate our
(06:43):
marriage to a higher priority,right?
What if we tackled cooking andcleaning up the kitchen together
as a team and did it with joy,and our children witnessed that
like, hey, if mom cooks, dad'scleaning up and the kids are
pitching in to help with thattoo.
But for our kids to witness usdoing chores together as a
(07:06):
united team, that's another waythat really affirms that your
relationship is top priority,that you are good teammates so
you can clean the kitchen sideby side, you can fold laundry
together on the weekends whileyou're listening to some good
music, right Again.
(07:28):
All of this fosters the spiritof teamwork and that builds
emotional intimacy too, andintimacy is so important.
Without emotional intimacy, howcan we possibly improve our
physical intimacy?
(07:49):
So don't forget that workingtogether as a united team is one
of those ways to build upemotional intimacy in your
marriage and then reclaim thelost art of waiting right.
So one of the rules my husband,josh and I put in place years
ago, when our firstborn was justa toddler, was we decided that
(08:12):
we weren't going to immediatelydrop everything when our toddler
interrupted us.
Why?
Because we're modelingsomething very important, which
is respect for each other, andso if every time your child tugs
on your pant leg or, you know,punches you in the thigh and
says, mom, mom, I need you, yougive in to them.
(08:35):
All of a sudden they see thatthey are the number one priority
.
Right, if you ask them to wait,if you develop a little sign
that you use between you andyour toddler when you're talking
to your spouse, you know yousay hey, if mommy gives you two
(08:56):
taps back, that means you needto go find something else to do
and that I'll come talk to youlater.
But if I hold your hand, thatmeans just wait quietly until
your dad and I are done talkingand then I will address your
concern.
Just a simple rule like thatwith your kids again helps to
(09:17):
elevate your marriage to ahigher priority.
And then when kids learn thatmom and dad are talking and
waiting their turn, they too arelearning patience.
Right, they're learningpatience, which is a virtue.
Okay, now I want to talk aboutintentional connection that fits
(09:40):
your lifestyle right?
Sometimes we start thinkingthat in order to connect with my
spouse, I need to have a fancydinner or like a weekend away to
feel close again.
And, yes, those work.
But I want you to considertrying like little mini
connections throughout your day,right?
(10:10):
What if, after dinner, you justtook a short walk together or
you sat on the back patio andjust close the door to your
house and let your kids knowwe're going to be out here for
15 minutes every evening afterdinner just to have mom and dad
time.
I know one couple who has eightchildren and they have a habit
of having ice cream togetherevery evening and their kids
know this is just something thatthe two of them do on their
(10:32):
back porch so that they canreconnect, so they pair it with
something they enjoy and theyjust reconnect at the end of
every day, and what a beautifulthing to remember your parents
by is that you know they sharedin something sweet that they
they like to eat and paired thatwith a download from their day
(10:55):
and kind of a connection pointbefore they went off to bed.
Another thing that you can do,you know, with technology, is
use it for good.
My husband, josh, and I use a,an app called Marco Polo.
It's just a simple video chatapp where you record, you know,
a message to your, your friendor your husband or your wife and
(11:19):
, uh, you send that message andthen the app notifies your
spouse that a message is thereand they can view it when they
have time and maybe get back toyou.
So we try to put limits on thatand say, hey, let's do a 30
minute I'm sorry, no chance.
30 minute, 30 second recordingeach day, just to kind of give a
(11:42):
mid day check-in, right?
Like, hey, here's how my day'sgoing.
Here's one thing that I'mreally grateful for that
pertains to you in my day to dayand it's a great little way to
see your spouse, hear theirvoice and just maintain that
connection during a busy day.
So these little pauses toconnect with our spouse, they,
(12:05):
they create space so that we'reable to talk like friends again,
because so many times we getbusy raising kids and focusing
on other things and we end uptreating each other really like
roommates.
So taking this intentional timeeach day to reconnect with our
(12:25):
spouse makes it more likefriends again.
And then this is going to besomething that makes a few of
you blush.
I'm going to tell you toschedule in intimacy on your
calendar.
That's right.
Schedule it in, let's be real.
Schedule it in, let's be real.
(12:50):
I mean, spontaneity soundsromantic, but sometimes it just
doesn't happen in this season offamily life.
So why not put it on thecalendar right?
I've been a marriage therapistfor 20 years and I've
recommended time after time thatcouples who feel disconnected.
Pick a day of the week, theysay, hey, wednesday is our night
.
If you pick a night anddedicate that evening or that
(13:12):
daytime to physical intimacy, toa session of physical intimacy,
you're prepared for it.
It's like looking forward to agood show, right, or a vacation
that you got planned forward toa good show, right, or a
vacation that you got planned.
It creates anticipation and areadiness to receive your spouse
(13:32):
in the most beautiful way wecan, and so I would encourage
you to.
You know, nudge your spouse Ifyou're listening to this
together.
Say what's our day, which dayof the week do we want to pick
to claim as our time forphysical intimacy, and let me
know how it goes over time.
I think you'll be pleasantlysurprised.
(13:55):
Another idea is just to keep itsimple and be a really cheap
date.
Okay, not complicate things,but maybe you just grab lunch
while your kids are at school.
You meet at a sandwich shop forlunch in the middle of a
workday and just grab lunchtogether on your lunch break.
Maybe you just rent a movie andeat frozen pizza after your
(14:19):
kids have gone to bed.
Again, having something to lookforward to with your spouse
where it's just the two of youmakes such a difference.
Having something to lookforward to with your spouse
where it's just the two of youmakes such a difference.
And remember, it's not whereyou are, it's that you are
together.
Right?
Connections don't have to beexpensive.
(14:40):
And then I want to talk aboutsomething else, right?
A mindset shift that reallystrengthens your marriage, and
one mindset shift that I wouldencourage and I'm talking to the
ladies here, because this tendsto be a lady issue, although it
can be the other way around butI want you to remember that
(15:00):
dad's way works too Okay, andyour way isn't the only way Okay
, and I'm preaching to myselfhere, so please hear me say that
that I get this wrong a lot oftimes too.
But if, if the kids wantmismatched socks, so what right?
Let dad do things his way.
(15:23):
Right.
If he says, fine, they're,they're in mismatched socks,
that is not a battle.
I'm in a fight.
That's not the hill I want todie on today.
Let it go right.
Letting dad do things his waycommunicates trust and respect
to your kids, and thatstrengthens your relationship in
(15:43):
big, big ways.
It's so important for us toavoid cutting down our spouse or
talking badly behind ourspouse's back Like dad doesn't
know we have to be sure that oursocks match every day, like he
thinks this isn't a big deal,but it's a real big deal.
Do you see how that couldquickly just kind of cut your
(16:08):
spouse out at the knees to yourchildren?
Then, all of a sudden, we havean issue of what I call, in
therapeutic terms, triangulation, right, where now it's us
against dad or us against mom,and that breaks down that union
between the two of you and thatsense of teamwork.
And then your kids all of asudden see themselves rising up
(16:32):
as the most important in thisorder of priorities of
relationships.
Here's another fun tip.
I want you to consider this.
This is a mindset shift as well.
Fight like somebody's listening,right?
You know why?
Because they are your kids.
If they're on their iPad orthey're reading a book, or
(16:54):
they're busy in their homework,they always have an ear for
what's going on between the twoof you.
They're constantly kind ofscanning the environment to
understand whether yourrelationship is a secure one or
if they have reason to beanxious and to be worried.
And so I want you to just think.
(17:14):
You know, even if we were in anargument at home and our kids
weren't there.
What if we argued as if theywere in the room?
Let's think about how we couldgo about having healthy conflict
and not, you know, throwingemotional grenades at each other
(17:35):
when you disagree.
If you speak like somebody'swatching, that really helps for
you to move toward resolutionquicker and to be better
listeners and then to disagreewith kindness and to repair
whatever argument you're havingquickly and well.
(17:57):
We're going to have ruptures inour relationship.
It doesn't mean our marriage isdoomed.
It's actually a very healthy.
Part of secure marriages is toargue over things, to have
passions for things that aren'tnecessarily our spouse's passion
.
But the most important thing isto argue well, to argue like
(18:19):
someone's in the room.
Maybe your pastor, your priest,is watching right, or your kids
are right there alongside youas you are managing this
conflict.
So consider that how, how wouldwe go about this if they were
present right now?
And then another mindset shiftreally is to understand that
(18:41):
marriage has seasons.
You know we think about theseasons of the year the weather
right Fall, winter.
The year the weather right Fall, winter, summer, spring.
Well, sometimes our marriagesgo through wintry seasons where
it's blustery, it's cold.
There's sort of this lack ofconnection.
(19:03):
We want to kind of stay toourselves or hibernate a little
bit.
We're isolated from one anotherand I want you to understand
that that's a season in amarried life.
It's not a reason to run awayfrom your spouse and to again
believe that your marriage isdoomed.
It's just simply a season.
(19:24):
So recognize when you get inthose hard seasons, give
yourself some grace, because thereality is, the goal of
marriage isn't perfection.
It's not about being perfect inmarriage.
No one wants a perfect marriage.
It's just a false thing, right.
But what we want is intention.
(19:48):
We want to be intentional withour spouse.
We want to be intentional withprioritizing the relationship
and connecting with one another.
So feeling distant is a signal,right.
It's simply a signpost thatsays it's time to lean in, it's
(20:08):
time to reconnect.
And I want to give you some hope.
If you are listening and you gowow, jordan, you are hitting
the nail on the head for me.
We are in a wintry, blusteryseason over here.
I want to give you the courageand confidence that you already
have inside of yourself to bethe one that extends the olive
(20:28):
branch to your spouse today tosay you know what We've been in?
A rough season.
We've been in a cold, coldseason and I'm ready to warm
things up.
I wanna connect with you.
I want us to get back to aplace where we feel like friends
(20:48):
and I'm willing to do the workto make that happen.
But could I just get a hug fromyou today?
That would help me in myfeelings of connectivity towards
you.
Can I just please just hug youfor a few seconds?
It always takes one person toinitiate that reconnection in
(21:10):
these difficult seasons.
But be the one, take the highroad and do that today.
You'll be so glad that you did.
And let me tell you, if you getrejected, go back the next day.
Go back with courage andconfidence.
That this is the right thing todo is not to stay away but to
reconnect.
And this next part I want tojust talk about is just the fact
(21:33):
that your kids really and trulyneed the two of you to stay
strong right.
Here's the big takeaway fromthis episode is that
prioritizing your marriage isn'tselfish.
It's actually one of the mostloving things you can do for
your children is to invest inyour marriage and to stay
(21:56):
together right.
Kids worry all the time aboutwhether their mom and dad will
stay together and they pick upon our stress, but when they see
a couple who laughs, who flirts, who make time for each other,
they breathe easier, they feelsecure.
So if your marriage has been onautopilot or running on fumes,
(22:20):
this is your invitation.
You don't need a completeoverhaul.
Don't go run into a counselor'soffice today.
You just need to start right.
Start with a simple little 10second hug or a kiss if it's
been a while.
Right, maybe even a text thatsays I'm thinking about you, I'm
(22:44):
on your team, I am with you.
Do that today.
Send that text to your spousetoday.
I am with you, I am for you, Iam on your team.
Make a choice to listen to yourspouse today instead of you know
doom scrolling on your phone.
Right, just put your phoneaside and just make intentional
(23:07):
time to really listen to yourspouse.
I want to leave you with thisright.
Marriage is worth the effort.
Not someday, but right now, inthe thick of toddler tantrums
and teen drama and soccerpractices and those crazy school
(23:27):
projects that take up our time,because your kids are watching
and they are hoping that you'llstay close.
And the good news you absolutelycan Listen.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday on the Families of
Character show.
If this episode gave you hopeor ideas, send it to a friend or
(23:51):
, better yet, sit down andlisten to it with your spouse.
Start the conversation.
You know, as I write in all myemails, I am always in your
corner.
I am cheering you on every stepof the way as someone who has
been in your shoes, whocontinues to walk with you in
(24:11):
this journey of marriage andparenting.
Guys, until next time, beintentional, be present, always
lead with love.
I'll catch you on anotherepisode of our show real soon.
Take care.
Hey there, friends.
Welcome back to the Families ofCharacter show, the podcast
that helps you raise kids ofgood character while keeping
your own character in check too.
Listen, I'm your host, jordanLangdon, and today we're diving
into a topic that is absolutelyessential, but it's often pushed
(00:23):
to the back burner.
We're talking about marriage,specifically, how to
intentionally prioritize yourmarriage while you're in the
thick of raising kids, even ifyou've got a house full of chaos
, dinner diapers, dishes, ato-do list longer than your arm,
diapers dishes, a to-do listlonger than your arm, and a
(00:46):
marriage that feels well, likeit's running on empty.
If this sounds familiar, you'renot alone.
Okay, maybe things do feeldistant for you right now, maybe
you're just surviving, maybeyou're doing okay, but you know
you're capable of more moreconnection, more being present,
(01:09):
more fun or more love.
I got to tell you.
We recently did a survey andasked parents who have grown
children now what is one skillor mindset shift that could
change everything for a coupleraising kids today, and the most
(01:31):
popular answer was this viewingyour marriage as the highest
priority, seeing yourselves asteammates for life.
Here's the truth bomb I want todrop right now.
Okay, you can prioritize yourmarriage, even in this season of
(01:55):
family life.
And not only can you, it'sactually one of the very best
things you can do for your kids,very best things you can do for
your kids.
So grab your coffee, take abreath and let's talk about how
to make that happen, with simple, realistic ways to shift your
(02:15):
marriage to the top of thepriority list, starting today.
Okay, let's just talk about whymarriage should come first.
Okay, yes, before kids.
Let's just get something out ofthe way right now.
Saying your marriage shouldcome before your kids, it
doesn't mean your kids aren'timportant Of course they are but
(02:39):
your marriage is the foundationof your family.
Your marriage is the veryfoundation of your family.
Think about this when kids seetheir parents united, respectful
, affectionate and connected,they feel safe.
(03:02):
They learn how to love bywatching you love your spouse,
and as a therapist for 20 years,I can say with certainty that
if you treat your relationshipwith your spouse as the one
that's most important in yourlife, even more than the one
(03:23):
with your children, the wholefamily will benefit.
So no, this isn't aboutignoring the needs of your
children.
It's about recognizing that thestrength of your partnership
with your spouse deeply affectsthe tone of the whole home.
(03:44):
So let's dive into small,doable habits that can make a
big difference in how connectedyou and your spouse feel.
It's important that we learnabout practical ways that we can
actually connect with ourspouse in our real day-to-day
lives.
(04:05):
So first I want to talk aboutjust greeting each other like
you mean it right.
When you have been separatedfrom your spouse for any period
of time and your spouse walks inthe door, how do you respond to
them?
Do you give them like a quicknod from across the room or do
(04:27):
you give them a warm hug and akiss like you're actually happy
to see them?
Make it a habit to greet eachother with the kind of
enthusiasm that you might showyour child, your three-year-old,
when you pick them up frompreschool.
Or the dog Sometimes we giveour dogs more attention than our
(04:49):
spouse our beloved lifelongpartners.
So it's okay if you run to yourspouse and give them a hug or
give them a kiss.
Let your kids giggle about this, right.
Let them see affection.
It gives them a deep sense ofsecurity to see you in love.
(05:12):
And I want to talk aboutbedtimes.
Okay, one couple that wecoached we helped get a bedtime
routine going for them.
They're married and have fivekids, and it was important for
them to be sure that their kidswere in bed by a certain time
every night, and one of thebenefits of doing that for all
(05:36):
of us is that you know, earlybedtimes aren't just for kids,
right?
You get your kids all in bed byeight o'clock every night.
They don't have to be asleep,but know that they need to be in
their room.
Mom and dad get their timeevery night, then, and that is
(05:57):
sacred.
That is blessed time for thetwo of you to have just that
time to connect in the eveningand quiet things down, even if
it's just 30 minutes, to chat orlaugh or sit in silence without
being interrupted and put thosephones away in another room.
(06:19):
That matters.
Bedtime, a consistent bedtimefor your kids so you can connect
in that evening hour, makessuch a difference.
And then, what if we thoughtabout chores or the day-to-day
things we have to do around thehouse?
What if we thought about doingthose as a team to elevate our
(06:43):
marriage to a higher priority,right?
What if we tackled cooking andcleaning up the kitchen together
as a team and did it with joy,and our children witnessed that
like, hey, if mom cooks, dad'scleaning up and the kids are
pitching in to help with thattoo.
But for our kids to witness usdoing chores together as a
(07:06):
united team, that's another waythat really affirms that your
relationship is top priority,that you are good teammates so
you can clean the kitchen sideby side, you can fold laundry
together on the weekends whileyou're listening to some good
music, right Again.
(07:28):
All of this fosters the spiritof teamwork and that builds
emotional intimacy too, andintimacy is so important.
Without emotional intimacy, howcan we possibly improve our
physical intimacy?
(07:49):
So don't forget that workingtogether as a united team is one
of those ways to build upemotional intimacy in your
marriage and then reclaim thelost art of waiting right.
So one of the rules my husband,josh and I put in place years
ago, when our firstborn was justa toddler, was we decided that
(08:12):
we weren't going to immediatelydrop everything when our toddler
interrupted us.
Why?
Because we're modelingsomething very important, which
is respect for each other, andso if every time your child tugs
on your pant leg or, you know,punches you in the thigh and
says, mom, mom, I need you, yougive in to them.
(08:35):
All of a sudden they see thatthey are the number one priority
.
Right, if you ask them to wait,if you develop a little sign
that you use between you andyour toddler when you're talking
to your spouse, you know yousay hey, if mommy gives you two
(08:56):
taps back, that means you needto go find something else to do
and that I'll come talk to youlater.
But if I hold your hand, thatmeans just wait quietly until
your dad and I are done talkingand then I will address your
concern.
Just a simple rule like thatwith your kids again helps to
(09:17):
elevate your marriage to ahigher priority.
And then when kids learn thatmom and dad are talking and
waiting their turn, they too arelearning patience.
Right, they're learningpatience, which is a virtue.
Okay, now I want to talk aboutintentional connection that fits
(09:40):
your lifestyle right?
Sometimes we start thinkingthat in order to connect with my
spouse, I need to have a fancydinner or like a weekend away to
feel close again.
And, yes, those work.
But I want you to considertrying like little mini
connections throughout your day,right?
(10:10):
What if, after dinner, you justtook a short walk together or
you sat on the back patio andjust close the door to your
house and let your kids knowwe're going to be out here for
15 minutes every evening afterdinner just to have mom and dad
time.
I know one couple who has eightchildren and they have a habit
of having ice cream togetherevery evening and their kids
know this is just something thatthe two of them do on their
(10:32):
back porch so that they canreconnect, so they pair it with
something they enjoy and theyjust reconnect at the end of
every day, and what a beautifulthing to remember your parents
by is that you know they sharedin something sweet that they
they like to eat and paired thatwith a download from their day
(10:55):
and kind of a connection pointbefore they went off to bed.
Another thing that you can do,you know, with technology, is
use it for good.
My husband, josh, and I use a,an app called Marco Polo.
It's just a simple video chatapp where you record, you know,
a message to your, your friendor your husband or your wife and
(11:19):
, uh, you send that message andthen the app notifies your
spouse that a message is thereand they can view it when they
have time and maybe get back toyou.
So we try to put limits on thatand say, hey, let's do a 30
minute I'm sorry, no chance.
30 minute, 30 second recordingeach day, just to kind of give a
(11:42):
mid day check-in, right?
Like, hey, here's how my day'sgoing.
Here's one thing that I'mreally grateful for that
pertains to you in my day to dayand it's a great little way to
see your spouse, hear theirvoice and just maintain that
connection during a busy day.
So these little pauses toconnect with our spouse, they,
(12:05):
they create space so that we'reable to talk like friends again,
because so many times we getbusy raising kids and focusing
on other things and we end uptreating each other really like
roommates.
So taking this intentional timeeach day to reconnect with our
(12:25):
spouse makes it more likefriends again.
And then this is going to besomething that makes a few of
you blush.
I'm going to tell you toschedule in intimacy on your
calendar.
That's right.
Schedule it in, let's be real.
Schedule it in, let's be real.
(12:50):
I mean, spontaneity soundsromantic, but sometimes it just
doesn't happen in this season offamily life.
So why not put it on thecalendar right?
I've been a marriage therapistfor 20 years and I've
recommended time after time thatcouples who feel disconnected.
Pick a day of the week, theysay, hey, wednesday is our night
.
If you pick a night anddedicate that evening or that
(13:12):
daytime to physical intimacy, toa session of physical intimacy,
you're prepared for it.
It's like looking forward to agood show, right, or a vacation
that you got planned forward toa good show, right, or a
vacation that you got planned.
It creates anticipation and areadiness to receive your spouse
(13:32):
in the most beautiful way wecan, and so I would encourage
you to.
You know, nudge your spouse Ifyou're listening to this
together.
Say what's our day, which dayof the week do we want to pick
to claim as our time forphysical intimacy, and let me
know how it goes over time.
I think you'll be pleasantlysurprised.
(13:55):
Another idea is just to keep itsimple and be a really cheap
date.
Okay, not complicate things,but maybe you just grab lunch
while your kids are at school.
You meet at a sandwich shop forlunch in the middle of a
workday and just grab lunchtogether on your lunch break.
Maybe you just rent a movie andeat frozen pizza after your
(14:19):
kids have gone to bed.
Again, having something to lookforward to with your spouse
where it's just the two of youmakes such a difference.
Having something to lookforward to with your spouse
where it's just the two of youmakes such a difference.
And remember, it's not whereyou are, it's that you are
together.
Right?
Connections don't have to beexpensive.
(14:40):
And then I want to talk aboutsomething else, right?
A mindset shift that reallystrengthens your marriage, and
one mindset shift that I wouldencourage and I'm talking to the
ladies here, because this tendsto be a lady issue, although it
can be the other way around butI want you to remember that
(15:00):
dad's way works too Okay, andyour way isn't the only way Okay
, and I'm preaching to myselfhere, so please hear me say that
that I get this wrong a lot oftimes too.
But if, if the kids wantmismatched socks, so what right?
Let dad do things his way.
(15:23):
Right.
If he says, fine, they're,they're in mismatched socks,
that is not a battle.
I'm in a fight.
That's not the hill I want todie on today.
Let it go right.
Letting dad do things his waycommunicates trust and respect
to your kids, and thatstrengthens your relationship in
(15:43):
big, big ways.
It's so important for us toavoid cutting down our spouse or
talking badly behind ourspouse's back Like dad doesn't
know we have to be sure that oursocks match every day, like he
thinks this isn't a big deal,but it's a real big deal.
Do you see how that couldquickly just kind of cut your
(16:08):
spouse out at the knees to yourchildren?
Then, all of a sudden, we havean issue of what I call, in
therapeutic terms, triangulation, right, where now it's us
against dad or us against mom,and that breaks down that union
between the two of you and thatsense of teamwork.
And then your kids all of asudden see themselves rising up
(16:32):
as the most important in thisorder of priorities of
relationships.
Here's another fun tip.
I want you to consider this.
This is a mindset shift as well.
Fight like somebody's listening,right?
You know why?
Because they are your kids.
If they're on their iPad orthey're reading a book, or
(16:54):
they're busy in their homework,they always have an ear for
what's going on between the twoof you.
They're constantly kind ofscanning the environment to
understand whether yourrelationship is a secure one or
if they have reason to beanxious and to be worried.
And so I want you to just think.
(17:14):
You know, even if we were in anargument at home and our kids
weren't there.
What if we argued as if theywere in the room?
Let's think about how we couldgo about having healthy conflict
and not, you know, throwingemotional grenades at each other
(17:35):
when you disagree.
If you speak like somebody'swatching, that really helps for
you to move toward resolutionquicker and to be better
listeners and then to disagreewith kindness and to repair
whatever argument you're havingquickly and well.
(17:57):
We're going to have ruptures inour relationship.
It doesn't mean our marriage isdoomed.
It's actually a very healthy.
Part of secure marriages is toargue over things, to have
passions for things that aren'tnecessarily our spouse's passion
.
But the most important thing isto argue well, to argue like
(18:19):
someone's in the room.
Maybe your pastor, your priest,is watching right, or your kids
are right there alongside youas you are managing this
conflict.
So consider that how, how wouldwe go about this if they were
present right now?
And then another mindset shiftreally is to understand that
(18:41):
marriage has seasons.
You know we think about theseasons of the year the weather
right Fall, winter.
The year the weather right Fall, winter, summer, spring.
Well, sometimes our marriagesgo through wintry seasons where
it's blustery, it's cold.
There's sort of this lack ofconnection.
(19:03):
We want to kind of stay toourselves or hibernate a little
bit.
We're isolated from one anotherand I want you to understand
that that's a season in amarried life.
It's not a reason to run awayfrom your spouse and to again
believe that your marriage isdoomed.
It's just simply a season.
(19:24):
So recognize when you get inthose hard seasons, give
yourself some grace, because thereality is, the goal of
marriage isn't perfection.
It's not about being perfect inmarriage.
No one wants a perfect marriage.
It's just a false thing, right.
But what we want is intention.
(19:48):
We want to be intentional withour spouse.
We want to be intentional withprioritizing the relationship
and connecting with one another.
So feeling distant is a signal,right.
It's simply a signpost thatsays it's time to lean in, it's
(20:08):
time to reconnect.
And I want to give you some hope.
If you are listening and you gowow, jordan, you are hitting
the nail on the head for me.
We are in a wintry, blusteryseason over here.
I want to give you the courageand confidence that you already
have inside of yourself to bethe one that extends the olive
(20:28):
branch to your spouse today tosay you know what We've been in?
A rough season.
We've been in a cold, coldseason and I'm ready to warm
things up.
I wanna connect with you.
I want us to get back to aplace where we feel like friends
(20:48):
and I'm willing to do the workto make that happen.
But could I just get a hug fromyou today?
That would help me in myfeelings of connectivity towards
you.
Can I just please just hug youfor a few seconds?
It always takes one person toinitiate that reconnection in
(21:10):
these difficult seasons.
But be the one, take the highroad and do that today.
You'll be so glad that you did.
And let me tell you, if you getrejected, go back the next day.
Go back with courage andconfidence.
That this is the right thing todo is not to stay away but to
reconnect.
And this next part I want tojust talk about is just the fact
(21:33):
that your kids really and trulyneed the two of you to stay
strong right.
Here's the big takeaway fromthis episode is that
prioritizing your marriage isn'tselfish.
It's actually one of the mostloving things you can do for
your children is to invest inyour marriage and to stay
(21:56):
together right.
Kids worry all the time aboutwhether their mom and dad will
stay together and they pick upon our stress, but when they see
a couple who laughs, who flirts, who make time for each other,
they breathe easier, they feelsecure.
So if your marriage has been onautopilot or running on fumes,
(22:20):
this is your invitation.
You don't need a completeoverhaul.
Don't go run into a counselor'soffice today.
You just need to start right.
Start with a simple little 10second hug or a kiss if it's
been a while.
Right, maybe even a text thatsays I'm thinking about you, I'm
(22:44):
on your team, I am with you.
Do that today.
Send that text to your spousetoday.
I am with you, I am for you, Iam on your team.
Make a choice to listen to yourspouse today instead of you know
doom scrolling on your phone.
Right, just put your phoneaside and just make intentional
(23:07):
time to really listen to yourspouse.
I want to leave you with thisright.
Marriage is worth the effort.
Not someday, but right now, inthe thick of toddler tantrums
and teen drama and soccerpractices and those crazy school
(23:27):
projects that take up our time,because your kids are watching
and they are hoping that you'llstay close.
And the good news you absolutelycan Listen.
Thanks for hanging out with metoday on the Families of
Character show.
If this episode gave you hopeor ideas, send it to a friend or
(23:51):
, better yet, sit down andlisten to it with your spouse.
Start the conversation.
You know, as I write in all myemails, I am always in your
corner.
I am cheering you on every stepof the way as someone who has
been in your shoes, whocontinues to walk with you in
(24:11):
this journey of marriage andparenting.
Guys, until next time, beintentional, be present, always
lead with love.
I'll catch you on anotherepisode of our show real soon.
Take care.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.