July 22, 2025 • 23 mins
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Ever feel like the villain in your child's story for saying "no" when all the other parents are saying "yes"? You're not alone, and you're certainly not wrong.
In this episode rebroadcast, we explore how to confidently say no to your children when other parents are saying yes, and why these important boundaries shape their character and future success.
• Saying no is harder but prevents severe long-term consequences for our children
• Importance of validating children's feelings before explaining your reasoning behind a no
• The benefit of offering alternative positive activities during the "withdrawal period"
• Key benefits include modeling how to stand up to peer pressure and strengthening self-control
• Taking a stand empowers other parents to do the same, creating a ripple effect
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I don't know about your kids, but mine are
relentless when they wantsomething.
I think all kids are bullieswhen it comes to this harassing
us about what they want to do orwhat they want to have.
They ought to be in sales atthis phase of their lives.
They'd be so successful.
They are so good at going forwhat they want, don't you agree?
(00:23):
Welcome back parents.
This episode is all about sayingno when other parents are
saying yes and how to navigatethat in a practical way with
your kids.
Let's be real Most times it's alot easier to just give in and
say yes.
We are exhausted as parents,but the consequences of giving
(00:48):
in and going along with thestatus quo, which oftentimes
goes against our moral character, like what is good and right,
those consequences are severe inthe long run.
And as a mom and a licensedcounselor for 20 years, I've got
to tell you, if we can't say noto our kids in the moment, it's
(01:10):
going to affect them and have aprofound effect on our culture
years down the road.
And this is enough of a commonissue in our parent community,
through our Thrive group onFacebook and just in my own
friend group, to really have areal chat about.
So let me just start by sharinga personal story.
(01:34):
Our oldest son loved video gameswhen he was around 11 or 12
years old and we didn't knowenough about the effects of them
to really believe that therewas anything wrong with gaming.
So one day he and his friendstart shaking down their
siblings piggy banks to getmoney to buy these accessories
(01:55):
for the players on theirfavorite game, literally going
room to room, house to house,taking change from their brother
and sister's piggy banks.
It was insane.
They were literally acting likedrug addicts who break into
cars for money to get some dope.
(02:16):
Because of all this, wegrounded him for the game for
two weeks.
We said no to this behaviorthat had clearly gone over the
top and I'll tell you, the firstthree days were brutal on all
of us.
It was similar to like analcoholic or a drug addict
coming off their favorite fix.
(02:37):
I mean, by definition he wasgoing through withdrawal.
You know how they get justanxious, angsty behavior, kind
of not knowing what to do withhis time, pacing around all
slumped over in a bad mood.
He was like hating us for, ofcourse, being quote the worst
parent ever.
But I'm going to tell you.
(02:59):
Another thing happened afterthose first three days of
withdrawal.
Like any kid, he found a newobsession Designer sneakers.
He found that he could buy andsell sneakers online and make
money.
So at the end of the two weeksof being grounded, he decided to
(03:22):
sell his gaming console inorder to buy this first pair of
shoes, because he was going tomake some bank off of these.
Well, guess what?
As you can imagine, this newendeavor turned out to be a bit
of a scam, and my husband and Ifigured it would be.
But we allowed him to make thisdecision so he could experience
(03:44):
the failure himself and thenlearn from it.
So, although he had the money,he was never able to
successfully use the app to buythat pair of sneakers for resale
.
But let me tell you again, he'srelentless.
So he kept trying for weeks andin that time he was distracted
(04:05):
from the video game and hadpractically forgotten about it,
because the console and all thegames were gone from our house
and the new obsession hadn'tbared any fruit yet.
But it had held his attentionand he had successfully passed
through the gaming withdrawalperiod.
So he decided on his own, afterlots of failure in this new
(04:28):
endeavor, to ditch this idea ofbuying and selling shoes.
So with this chunk of money inthe bank, my husband and I
started talking to him aboutsomething new the freedom of
driving and having your own car.
At first he was not interestedat all and of course he pulled
(04:49):
another one of those sales talksabout why we should let him
just buy back the gaming console.
At first he wasn't interestedand pulled another one of those
awesome sales talks about why weshould let him buy back the
gaming console.
But we stood firm and said no,back the gaming console.
But we stood firm and said no.
(05:09):
We explained to him how muchmore engaged and happy he had
been since he stopped playingthe games and I'll never forget
it.
His younger brother and sistercame to him like tearful and
they told him that when he wasgaming they thought he seemed
depressed and how he neverwanted to really have anything
to do with them.
And they told him that now theywere really starting to kind of
(05:29):
have fun hanging out with himand playing board games and
shooting basketball andwrestling.
Again.
He obviously wasn't happy aboutnot being allowed to buy back
the gaming system but just likeafter the first no, he had
another one of those three tofive day withdrawal periods or
that period of being upset anddisappointed after realizing the
(05:51):
video games were gone for good.
But then something changed.
We continued to bring up thisidea of driving.
We introduced him to the nexttransition he would have in his
life.
We told him stories about howwe saved our money from
birthdays and little side jobsand we purchased our first cars
(06:13):
when we were 15.
We showed him these pictures ofus in these little cars Mine
was a Dodge Colt, my husband hadan old Jeep Wagoneer and we
laughed about all those memoriesof those young years.
We told him about all the funwe had to drive to see our
cousins and what it was like tohave that privilege of going
(06:33):
places when others weren'tdriving yet.
And this really got himinterested.
And then he came back around.
He started saving his money andwe took him to one of those
banks for young kids where theyallow you to make deposits and
withdrawals and start managingmoney like a grown-up.
You literally walk up to thecounter as a young kid and the
(06:55):
teller has the countertoplowered to their height.
It's the cutest thing.
So they really feel like thisis a big deal, that what they're
embarking on is something withgreat responsibility, and so he
enjoyed that.
He loved that he could set agoal and make progress towards
(07:16):
it.
Something tangible, since hewas allowed to make trips to the
bank and see his money growing.
His goal was to save as muchmoney as he could to buy a car
at age 15.
Those no's, when all his friendswere allowed to continue gaming
, were hard for us.
But we've now been withoutvideo games in our house for
(07:41):
four years.
And y'all, he just purchasedhis first car three days ago.
Oh, funny side note, it too wasa Jeep.
Side note, it too was a jeep.
Not to mention, our youngerkids never got started on video
games because of all of this.
So there's no harassment andbullying by our seven and
(08:03):
ten-year-olds and that is a hugerelief in our house.
So you see, my son shaking downpiggy banks was our cue that his
behavior had gone beyond ahealthy bit of video game
playing.
Once we recognized that cue andmade a commitment to stop the
behavior by grounding him,saying no, we had time without
(08:27):
the stimulus the video games toconsider what to do next.
What to do next, and taking theissue away for him for two
weeks allowed him to withdrawfrom what he was addicted to and
find something else to getinterested in Now.
Were shoes the answer?
No.
We knew it wasn't going to befruitful, but we allowed him to
(08:48):
try it and fail to buy everyonemore time away from the games
while we thought about somethingworthwhile saving and investing
money for a car that wouldserve him in the future.
Now think about the desperationshaking down piggy banks to get
your fix.
If we had allowed that tohappen and just gave in to our
(09:10):
exhaustion and let him continuethat.
What does that look like at age16 when he's now driving around
a car and responsible for hislife and the life of others
behind a thousand pound vehicle?
And what does that look likewhen he's dating a young woman
and she tells him no, when heisn't used to hearing no, and
(09:33):
then fast forward again fiveyears?
What's it look like at age 21when he's able to drink alcohol
and because he doesn't know howto regulate those passions and
desires, he over drinks.
He gets himself in a badsituation.
That's scary.
So parents don't be afraid to goagainst the grain and say no,
(09:58):
even when other parents areallowing that same behavior in
their own homes and saying noreally isn't ever our problem.
Right, we can usually rip offthat response pretty quickly,
but our biggest issue ismanaging their begging and their
justification for what theywant.
So we have to be ready with areasonable response and listen.
(10:24):
The story I just told you,that's just one of our parenting
experiences.
We do not have this all figuredout.
In fact, we've had plenty ofmoments where our knee jerk
reaction to our kidsdisappointment was life's not
fair.
Get used to it, buddy, or Idon't care what the Jones
family's doing, our house, ourrules.
What we found was that there wasa more effective way to
(10:46):
navigate the salesman, tonavigate their response to our
no, and that's to validate theirfeelings first.
So it sounds kind of like thisI know this is a new rule for
our family and we've been doingthings this way for a while
already.
Like I get that, but now wehave new information and know
(11:08):
that this isn't good for us andyou're right, this is going to
be a big change.
Change is hard for even yourdad and I.
Okay, so validating your kidsfeelings helps them feel heard
and understood.
It allows them to lean in andkind of listen to the why,
behind the no right and if weskip this step, we lose their
(11:30):
buy-in and they become superdefensive and end up tuning us
out.
So instead of getting angrywith them and defensive
ourselves, we've got to respondwith confidence.
Right, you are the parent andit's important to remember
you're the leader here.
By saying no, you're investingin their future and because you,
(11:54):
the parent, know them best,you're able to make different
rules and live differently inorder to best support their
needs.
It's also important to remindthem listen, it's okay if you
don't like these rules, but youdo have to respect them and
follow them.
It's okay to tell your kidsthat, and we can't be afraid to
(12:16):
hold out, like hold out for thattime period in order for them
to get through that withdrawalperiod.
So many times we ground ourkids and then we just are like
it's fine, go play the game.
Commit during that time ofbeing grounded or being without,
whatever it is that you'resaying no, to offer them
something different thatinterests them, something more
(12:40):
fruitful and long-term, and thenwalk with them side by side,
you know.
Make this a joint adventure.
Walk with them through this newadventure and this new interest
and engage them.
This is what brings joy andunity back to relationship, and
your kids are going to be drivenin new ways, like ways you
didn't even imagine.
(13:02):
So what are the benefits ofsaying no when other parents are
saying yes?
Number one?
Number one you're modeling foryour kids how to stand up and
say no when culture is sayingyes.
And wouldn't you agree?
This is a life skill our kidsneed in high school, college and
beyond, absolutely.
(13:23):
Number two you're teaching themto say yes to the right things
by saying no to the things thatare ultimately harmful long-term
Again, a life skill they needwhen they leave home.
Number three you're helpingyour kids strengthen their
self-control muscles by notbeing able to indulge in instant
(13:47):
gratification.
Each no you give them helpsthem build up a reservoir, this
huge reservoir of self-controlthat they can draw from when
they're in situations likedating and driving and enjoying
new freedoms, like drinkingalcohol or taking adventures to
new places they've never beenbefore.
(14:08):
You're helping them strengthenthat self-control muscle and
build up that reservoir forlater.
So now that we kind of talkedabout the practical steps of
saying no to your kids andmanaging their begging and
harassment, and we realize thebenefits of saying no, I want
you to consider a few seriousways.
(14:28):
Our culture is bullying us andharassing us to say yes these
days.
So culture is telling usscreens are fine, they're here
to stay, it's no big deal, allkids are on screens.
And culture is saying kids haveto have phones.
We are in a digital age andthey've got to stay up with the
(14:50):
times.
And they've got to stay up withthe times.
Parents.
Did you know?
The average age of kids gettingsmartphones right now is eight
years old, third grade.
And guess what?
Pornography addiction in kidsstarts at age 11.
That's fifth grade.
Do you remember what you weredoing in fifth grade?
(15:12):
I mean, I was riding bikes,playing at the park, building
forts, making up new games onthe playgrounds.
Kids these days, saying yes towhat culture thinks is okay.
Kids are now hiding phonesunder their bed covers,
searching for porn.
Listen, it's okay to say no tophones, to tablets, to iPads, to
(15:34):
culture.
If you feel like you have togive your kids a phone for
safety reasons, give them a talktext phone only.
Give them your old flip phoneyou still have laying around.
If you have to give themanything, will they get teased
by their friends for having that?
Yeah, expect that.
This is a chance for us to helpour kids use those self-control
(15:56):
muscles to withstand peerpressure.
Kids do not need access to theinternet instantly in their back
pockets and, let's admit it, asparents, we are not good at
setting limits on what kids canaccess on phones, gaming
consoles and iPads.
Parents complain all the timeabout how they don't know how to
(16:19):
put these controls andrestrictions in place and how
kids just work around themanyway.
If you aren't going to monitorand block access to things that
will forever change your child,listen, don't give them the
device and tempt them to beginwith and trust me on this, I've
(16:39):
been a counselor for 20 yearsand if you do let your kids have
open access to the internetinstantly at their fingertips,
you have to accept personalresponsibility for allowing them
to access those things theycannot unsee Sexual images,
perversions, violent attacksthis stuff will haunt your kid
(17:04):
for the rest of their life.
Be willing to say no to thisstuff.
Culture also says social mediais harmless.
All kids do it.
All kids have it.
You have it as a parent, you'reon it all the time yourself, so
you can't say no to your kids.
It's how kids communicate witheach other and how they stay in
(17:25):
touch.
We all know by now social mediais a sad replacement for
in-person face-to-faceconnection.
It will never yield the sametype of important and close bond
kids make when they'rephysically together with others
and besides that, hiding behinda keyboard for a majority of
(17:45):
their relationships will killtheir ability to truly connect
with others.
It will kill it.
You may understand that assomeone who uses social media a
lot yourself.
Think about how often you gettogether face-to-face with other
parents and friends.
Usually, an hour or so ofmindless scrolling on social
(18:06):
media at night seems to satisfyour curiosity about people in
our friend group, so we don'treach out or dive deeper into a
conversation about somethingwith them.
Prior to social media, we allconnected so much more
personally.
Oh, speaking of social media,you want to talk about a lack of
(18:26):
character being lived Now kidsand adults think it's funny when
kids slap their teacher, take avideo of it and post it to
TikTok.
I mean, this is happeningpeople.
And they even think it's coolto steal from stores because
there aren't enough securityofficers working to come after
(18:47):
them.
So they do it because they can.
What happened to respect forparents and teachers when kids
are spending more time on socialmedia watching these idiotic
pranks and parodies, their senseof what's right and wrong,
their morality, you know thatinternal compass, their
(19:10):
character it just starts eroding.
So when kids come to us and askfor something we know they are
not ready for or is not good fortheir well-being, we have to be
willing to say no, to bedifferent from other parents.
We have to stand strong in thatconviction that we are not
(19:30):
willing to settle for the statusquo.
Doing this empowers otherparents in your friend group to
do the same.
It has a ripple effect of goodand it certainly helps take some
of the pressure off your kidswhen their friend's parents are
saying no too.
You are the leader of yourfamily.
(19:52):
You have the ability to say yesand no to things in your
household, and you can choosetoday to sell the video game
console or the iPad.
You don't have to wait for yourkid to do it because they want
some other shiny object.
You can choose today to stopallowing screens in bedrooms and
dock them in an open area onthe main floor.
(20:14):
You can also choose today totake your kids to a soccer game
and leave the screens at homeand have them watch in real time
their sibling compete in soccer.
You can also choose today totalk to your kids about what's
coming next in their life thattransition they may not be
(20:35):
thinking about and talk to themabout how to prepare for that.
Get the excitement going fordriving or getting a job, or
looping them in to help plan afamily trip.
Listen, as a community oflike-minded parents, we have got
to continue to support eachother in doing what is good and
right for our kids, even when wehave to go against the culture
(20:58):
and disappoint our kids in themoment.
Because, let me tell you,what's even more disappointing
to our kids is when they're outin the world as adults,
struggling from a lack ofself-control.
So let's risk disappointingthem as kids to ensure they have
the best chance possible atbeing kids of great character
(21:22):
and at being adults who arerespectful, responsible,
grateful and able to truly sayno when they need to.
That's what this movement atFamilies of Character is all
about A movement of like-mindedparents who are not willing to
settle for the status quo, acommunity where we challenge
(21:42):
each other to be better and dobetter in family life.
Listen, you can do this.
If I can do this, you can dothis and help us get the word
out.
Share our message with others.
Join the movement.
We'd love it if you'd forwardthis episode to a handful of
your closest friends.
Hit those three little dots inthe upper right hand corner and
(22:06):
share this through email withyour friends.
Listen, check out our website,familiesofcharactercom.
There you can find out moreways that you can get your
family on track, growing incharacter as a team.
Parents say no with confidencewhen other parents are saying
yes.
(22:26):
Until next time.
We're always in your corner.
I don't know about your kids, but mine are
relentless when they wantsomething.
I think all kids are bullieswhen it comes to this harassing
us about what they want to do orwhat they want to have.
They ought to be in sales atthis phase of their lives.
They'd be so successful.
They are so good at going forwhat they want, don't you agree?
(00:23):
Welcome back parents.
This episode is all about sayingno when other parents are
saying yes and how to navigatethat in a practical way with
your kids.
Let's be real Most times it's alot easier to just give in and
say yes.
We are exhausted as parents,but the consequences of giving
(00:48):
in and going along with thestatus quo, which oftentimes
goes against our moral character, like what is good and right,
those consequences are severe inthe long run.
And as a mom and a licensedcounselor for 20 years, I've got
to tell you, if we can't say noto our kids in the moment, it's
(01:10):
going to affect them and have aprofound effect on our culture
years down the road.
And this is enough of a commonissue in our parent community,
through our Thrive group onFacebook and just in my own
friend group, to really have areal chat about.
So let me just start by sharinga personal story.
(01:34):
Our oldest son loved video gameswhen he was around 11 or 12
years old and we didn't knowenough about the effects of them
to really believe that therewas anything wrong with gaming.
So one day he and his friendstart shaking down their
siblings piggy banks to getmoney to buy these accessories
(01:55):
for the players on theirfavorite game, literally going
room to room, house to house,taking change from their brother
and sister's piggy banks.
It was insane.
They were literally acting likedrug addicts who break into
cars for money to get some dope.
(02:16):
Because of all this, wegrounded him for the game for
two weeks.
We said no to this behaviorthat had clearly gone over the
top and I'll tell you, the firstthree days were brutal on all
of us.
It was similar to like analcoholic or a drug addict
coming off their favorite fix.
(02:37):
I mean, by definition he wasgoing through withdrawal.
You know how they get justanxious, angsty behavior, kind
of not knowing what to do withhis time, pacing around all
slumped over in a bad mood.
He was like hating us for, ofcourse, being quote the worst
parent ever.
But I'm going to tell you.
(02:59):
Another thing happened afterthose first three days of
withdrawal.
Like any kid, he found a newobsession Designer sneakers.
He found that he could buy andsell sneakers online and make
money.
So at the end of the two weeksof being grounded, he decided to
(03:22):
sell his gaming console inorder to buy this first pair of
shoes, because he was going tomake some bank off of these.
Well, guess what?
As you can imagine, this newendeavor turned out to be a bit
of a scam, and my husband and Ifigured it would be.
But we allowed him to make thisdecision so he could experience
(03:44):
the failure himself and thenlearn from it.
So, although he had the money,he was never able to
successfully use the app to buythat pair of sneakers for resale
.
But let me tell you again, he'srelentless.
So he kept trying for weeks andin that time he was distracted
(04:05):
from the video game and hadpractically forgotten about it,
because the console and all thegames were gone from our house
and the new obsession hadn'tbared any fruit yet.
But it had held his attentionand he had successfully passed
through the gaming withdrawalperiod.
So he decided on his own, afterlots of failure in this new
(04:28):
endeavor, to ditch this idea ofbuying and selling shoes.
So with this chunk of money inthe bank, my husband and I
started talking to him aboutsomething new the freedom of
driving and having your own car.
At first he was not interestedat all and of course he pulled
(04:49):
another one of those sales talksabout why we should let him
just buy back the gaming console.
At first he wasn't interestedand pulled another one of those
awesome sales talks about why weshould let him buy back the
gaming console.
But we stood firm and said no,back the gaming console.
But we stood firm and said no.
(05:09):
We explained to him how muchmore engaged and happy he had
been since he stopped playingthe games and I'll never forget
it.
His younger brother and sistercame to him like tearful and
they told him that when he wasgaming they thought he seemed
depressed and how he neverwanted to really have anything
to do with them.
And they told him that now theywere really starting to kind of
(05:29):
have fun hanging out with himand playing board games and
shooting basketball andwrestling.
Again.
He obviously wasn't happy aboutnot being allowed to buy back
the gaming system but just likeafter the first no, he had
another one of those three tofive day withdrawal periods or
that period of being upset anddisappointed after realizing the
(05:51):
video games were gone for good.
But then something changed.
We continued to bring up thisidea of driving.
We introduced him to the nexttransition he would have in his
life.
We told him stories about howwe saved our money from
birthdays and little side jobsand we purchased our first cars
(06:13):
when we were 15.
We showed him these pictures ofus in these little cars Mine
was a Dodge Colt, my husband hadan old Jeep Wagoneer and we
laughed about all those memoriesof those young years.
We told him about all the funwe had to drive to see our
cousins and what it was like tohave that privilege of going
(06:33):
places when others weren'tdriving yet.
And this really got himinterested.
And then he came back around.
He started saving his money andwe took him to one of those
banks for young kids where theyallow you to make deposits and
withdrawals and start managingmoney like a grown-up.
You literally walk up to thecounter as a young kid and the
(06:55):
teller has the countertoplowered to their height.
It's the cutest thing.
So they really feel like thisis a big deal, that what they're
embarking on is something withgreat responsibility, and so he
enjoyed that.
He loved that he could set agoal and make progress towards
(07:16):
it.
Something tangible, since hewas allowed to make trips to the
bank and see his money growing.
His goal was to save as muchmoney as he could to buy a car
at age 15.
Those no's, when all his friendswere allowed to continue gaming
, were hard for us.
But we've now been withoutvideo games in our house for
(07:41):
four years.
And y'all, he just purchasedhis first car three days ago.
Oh, funny side note, it too wasa Jeep.
Side note, it too was a jeep.
Not to mention, our youngerkids never got started on video
games because of all of this.
So there's no harassment andbullying by our seven and
(08:03):
ten-year-olds and that is a hugerelief in our house.
So you see, my son shaking downpiggy banks was our cue that his
behavior had gone beyond ahealthy bit of video game
playing.
Once we recognized that cue andmade a commitment to stop the
behavior by grounding him,saying no, we had time without
(08:27):
the stimulus the video games toconsider what to do next.
What to do next, and taking theissue away for him for two
weeks allowed him to withdrawfrom what he was addicted to and
find something else to getinterested in Now.
Were shoes the answer?
No.
We knew it wasn't going to befruitful, but we allowed him to
(08:48):
try it and fail to buy everyonemore time away from the games
while we thought about somethingworthwhile saving and investing
money for a car that wouldserve him in the future.
Now think about the desperationshaking down piggy banks to get
your fix.
If we had allowed that tohappen and just gave in to our
(09:10):
exhaustion and let him continuethat.
What does that look like at age16 when he's now driving around
a car and responsible for hislife and the life of others
behind a thousand pound vehicle?
And what does that look likewhen he's dating a young woman
and she tells him no, when heisn't used to hearing no, and
(09:33):
then fast forward again fiveyears?
What's it look like at age 21when he's able to drink alcohol
and because he doesn't know howto regulate those passions and
desires, he over drinks.
He gets himself in a badsituation.
That's scary.
So parents don't be afraid to goagainst the grain and say no,
(09:58):
even when other parents areallowing that same behavior in
their own homes and saying noreally isn't ever our problem.
Right, we can usually rip offthat response pretty quickly,
but our biggest issue ismanaging their begging and their
justification for what theywant.
So we have to be ready with areasonable response and listen.
(10:24):
The story I just told you,that's just one of our parenting
experiences.
We do not have this all figuredout.
In fact, we've had plenty ofmoments where our knee jerk
reaction to our kidsdisappointment was life's not
fair.
Get used to it, buddy, or Idon't care what the Jones
family's doing, our house, ourrules.
What we found was that there wasa more effective way to
(10:46):
navigate the salesman, tonavigate their response to our
no, and that's to validate theirfeelings first.
So it sounds kind of like thisI know this is a new rule for
our family and we've been doingthings this way for a while
already.
Like I get that, but now wehave new information and know
(11:08):
that this isn't good for us andyou're right, this is going to
be a big change.
Change is hard for even yourdad and I.
Okay, so validating your kidsfeelings helps them feel heard
and understood.
It allows them to lean in andkind of listen to the why,
behind the no right and if weskip this step, we lose their
(11:30):
buy-in and they become superdefensive and end up tuning us
out.
So instead of getting angrywith them and defensive
ourselves, we've got to respondwith confidence.
Right, you are the parent andit's important to remember
you're the leader here.
By saying no, you're investingin their future and because you,
(11:54):
the parent, know them best,you're able to make different
rules and live differently inorder to best support their
needs.
It's also important to remindthem listen, it's okay if you
don't like these rules, but youdo have to respect them and
follow them.
It's okay to tell your kidsthat, and we can't be afraid to
(12:16):
hold out, like hold out for thattime period in order for them
to get through that withdrawalperiod.
So many times we ground ourkids and then we just are like
it's fine, go play the game.
Commit during that time ofbeing grounded or being without,
whatever it is that you'resaying no, to offer them
something different thatinterests them, something more
(12:40):
fruitful and long-term, and thenwalk with them side by side,
you know.
Make this a joint adventure.
Walk with them through this newadventure and this new interest
and engage them.
This is what brings joy andunity back to relationship, and
your kids are going to be drivenin new ways, like ways you
didn't even imagine.
(13:02):
So what are the benefits ofsaying no when other parents are
saying yes?
Number one?
Number one you're modeling foryour kids how to stand up and
say no when culture is sayingyes.
And wouldn't you agree?
This is a life skill our kidsneed in high school, college and
beyond, absolutely.
(13:23):
Number two you're teaching themto say yes to the right things
by saying no to the things thatare ultimately harmful long-term
Again, a life skill they needwhen they leave home.
Number three you're helpingyour kids strengthen their
self-control muscles by notbeing able to indulge in instant
(13:47):
gratification.
Each no you give them helpsthem build up a reservoir, this
huge reservoir of self-controlthat they can draw from when
they're in situations likedating and driving and enjoying
new freedoms, like drinkingalcohol or taking adventures to
new places they've never beenbefore.
(14:08):
You're helping them strengthenthat self-control muscle and
build up that reservoir forlater.
So now that we kind of talkedabout the practical steps of
saying no to your kids andmanaging their begging and
harassment, and we realize thebenefits of saying no, I want
you to consider a few seriousways.
(14:28):
Our culture is bullying us andharassing us to say yes these
days.
So culture is telling usscreens are fine, they're here
to stay, it's no big deal, allkids are on screens.
And culture is saying kids haveto have phones.
We are in a digital age andthey've got to stay up with the
(14:50):
times.
And they've got to stay up withthe times.
Parents.
Did you know?
The average age of kids gettingsmartphones right now is eight
years old, third grade.
And guess what?
Pornography addiction in kidsstarts at age 11.
That's fifth grade.
Do you remember what you weredoing in fifth grade?
(15:12):
I mean, I was riding bikes,playing at the park, building
forts, making up new games onthe playgrounds.
Kids these days, saying yes towhat culture thinks is okay.
Kids are now hiding phonesunder their bed covers,
searching for porn.
Listen, it's okay to say no tophones, to tablets, to iPads, to
(15:34):
culture.
If you feel like you have togive your kids a phone for
safety reasons, give them a talktext phone only.
Give them your old flip phoneyou still have laying around.
If you have to give themanything, will they get teased
by their friends for having that?
Yeah, expect that.
This is a chance for us to helpour kids use those self-control
(15:56):
muscles to withstand peerpressure.
Kids do not need access to theinternet instantly in their back
pockets and, let's admit it, asparents, we are not good at
setting limits on what kids canaccess on phones, gaming
consoles and iPads.
Parents complain all the timeabout how they don't know how to
(16:19):
put these controls andrestrictions in place and how
kids just work around themanyway.
If you aren't going to monitorand block access to things that
will forever change your child,listen, don't give them the
device and tempt them to beginwith and trust me on this, I've
(16:39):
been a counselor for 20 yearsand if you do let your kids have
open access to the internetinstantly at their fingertips,
you have to accept personalresponsibility for allowing them
to access those things theycannot unsee Sexual images,
perversions, violent attacksthis stuff will haunt your kid
(17:04):
for the rest of their life.
Be willing to say no to thisstuff.
Culture also says social mediais harmless.
All kids do it.
All kids have it.
You have it as a parent, you'reon it all the time yourself, so
you can't say no to your kids.
It's how kids communicate witheach other and how they stay in
(17:25):
touch.
We all know by now social mediais a sad replacement for
in-person face-to-faceconnection.
It will never yield the sametype of important and close bond
kids make when they'rephysically together with others
and besides that, hiding behinda keyboard for a majority of
(17:45):
their relationships will killtheir ability to truly connect
with others.
It will kill it.
You may understand that assomeone who uses social media a
lot yourself.
Think about how often you gettogether face-to-face with other
parents and friends.
Usually, an hour or so ofmindless scrolling on social
(18:06):
media at night seems to satisfyour curiosity about people in
our friend group, so we don'treach out or dive deeper into a
conversation about somethingwith them.
Prior to social media, we allconnected so much more
personally.
Oh, speaking of social media,you want to talk about a lack of
(18:26):
character being lived Now kidsand adults think it's funny when
kids slap their teacher, take avideo of it and post it to
TikTok.
I mean, this is happeningpeople.
And they even think it's coolto steal from stores because
there aren't enough securityofficers working to come after
(18:47):
them.
So they do it because they can.
What happened to respect forparents and teachers when kids
are spending more time on socialmedia watching these idiotic
pranks and parodies, their senseof what's right and wrong,
their morality, you know thatinternal compass, their
(19:10):
character it just starts eroding.
So when kids come to us and askfor something we know they are
not ready for or is not good fortheir well-being, we have to be
willing to say no, to bedifferent from other parents.
We have to stand strong in thatconviction that we are not
(19:30):
willing to settle for the statusquo.
Doing this empowers otherparents in your friend group to
do the same.
It has a ripple effect of goodand it certainly helps take some
of the pressure off your kidswhen their friend's parents are
saying no too.
You are the leader of yourfamily.
(19:52):
You have the ability to say yesand no to things in your
household, and you can choosetoday to sell the video game
console or the iPad.
You don't have to wait for yourkid to do it because they want
some other shiny object.
You can choose today to stopallowing screens in bedrooms and
dock them in an open area onthe main floor.
(20:14):
You can also choose today totake your kids to a soccer game
and leave the screens at homeand have them watch in real time
their sibling compete in soccer.
You can also choose today totalk to your kids about what's
coming next in their life thattransition they may not be
(20:35):
thinking about and talk to themabout how to prepare for that.
Get the excitement going fordriving or getting a job, or
looping them in to help plan afamily trip.
Listen, as a community oflike-minded parents, we have got
to continue to support eachother in doing what is good and
right for our kids, even when wehave to go against the culture
(20:58):
and disappoint our kids in themoment.
Because, let me tell you,what's even more disappointing
to our kids is when they're outin the world as adults,
struggling from a lack ofself-control.
So let's risk disappointingthem as kids to ensure they have
the best chance possible atbeing kids of great character
(21:22):
and at being adults who arerespectful, responsible,
grateful and able to truly sayno when they need to.
That's what this movement atFamilies of Character is all
about A movement of like-mindedparents who are not willing to
settle for the status quo, acommunity where we challenge
(21:42):
each other to be better and dobetter in family life.
Listen, you can do this.
If I can do this, you can dothis and help us get the word
out.
Share our message with others.
Join the movement.
We'd love it if you'd forwardthis episode to a handful of
your closest friends.
Hit those three little dots inthe upper right hand corner and
(22:06):
share this through email withyour friends.
Listen, check out our website,familiesofcharactercom.
There you can find out moreways that you can get your
family on track, growing incharacter as a team.
Parents say no with confidencewhen other parents are saying
yes.
(22:26):
Until next time.
We're always in your corner.
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