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August 19, 2025 18 mins

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The after-school hours between 3-6 PM represent a crucial transition time when children often experience emotional meltdowns after holding it together all day at school.

When kids fall apart after returning home, it's actually a sign they feel safe with you, and by implementing the "three R's" routine—Refuel, Regulate, Reconnect—parents can transform this challenging window into an opportunity for meaningful connection.

In this episode, we discuss:

• How research shows the 3-6 PM window is when behavioral outbursts most commonly occur
• Consistent after-school routines lower cortisol levels in both parents and children
• Meltdowns indicate trust, not misbehavior—home is their emotional exhale
• Refuel, Regulate, Reconnect
• Creating unstructured play time in the evening for better emotional regulation

Remember to stay intentional, stay playful, and keep leading your family with love. God's mercies are new every afternoon, especially at 3:45 when someone's crying about grapes.


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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If I had a dollar for every time my kid came home
from school hangry andimmediately body slam the couch,
I could fund an afterschoolsmoothie bar complete with mood
lighting and free Wi-Fi.
Welcome back to the Families ofCharacter show.
I'm your host, your fellowparent in the trenches, and

(00:24):
today we're tackling the chaosthat can hit like a total tidal
wave between 3 and 6 pm.
You know what I'm talking aboutthe shoes flying, the snack
demands, the meltdowns and thewild sibling drama.
But listen, it doesn't have tostay this way.

(00:45):
The after school window caneither be the start of more
chaos or the bridge to apeaceful evening, and this isn't
just a logistics issue.
It's an opportunity to bond,reconnect and create rhythms of
peace.
That's what this episode isabout Learning how to help our

(01:09):
kids decompress and set apeaceful tone for the rest of
the day.
Because truth is they've beenmanaging a lot at school
Navigating expectations,learning, social situations and
so much more.
Let's just be honest this timeof day is when our patience is

(01:32):
wearing thin too.
I know most days I'm gettinganother hit of coffee around
2.30 pm just to make the secondhalf of the day go a little
smoother.
Just to make the second half ofthe day go a little smoother.
We've had full days and nowit's three o'clock and it's game
time.
But with some intentional steps, we can win these afternoons.

(01:58):
So let's anchor this in sometruth.
The National Institute ofOut-of-School Time reports that
3 to 6 pm.
Institute of Out-of-School Timereports that 3 to 6 pm is the
most common window forsignificant behavioral outbursts
, and a 2022 study found thatkids who decompress after school
before doing homework show 25%higher focus and 20% lower

(02:24):
stress.
And research from theUniversity of Illinois found
that consistent, predictableafter-school routines lower
cortisol levels in both parentsand kids.
So again, our kids' behaviorafter school isn't bad.

(02:46):
It's their brains begging forrest and regulation.
That's what it is.
The witching hours are realfolks.
Let's just normalize thispost-school chaos.
When a child comes home and theyfall apart, it's not a sign
that they're misbehaving.

(03:08):
It's really important for us toremember this.
It's a sign that they feel safe.
I know you're going.
Oh great, jordan.
Safety for them means a littlebit of hell for me, okay.
Well, listen your kid.
Whether they're three or five,or eight, or 12 or 16, they've
spent six to eight hours holdingit together in a highly

(03:31):
structured environment of theirpeers.
The pressure is real.
Home is their emotional exhale.
So what do we do?
Well, we don't want to jointheir chaos.
We need to anchor it with ourcalm presence, with rhythms and

(03:53):
with compassion.
And one way to do this is toreframe the meltdowns.
Instead of seeing them as aproblem, we can see them as an
invitation to connect, to teachand to hold space.
You know, this has been ourexperience with our three kids.

(04:14):
But most kids are generallypretty happy-go-lucky in the
mornings, right, they know thatthey're going to get to see some
of their friends, or they'reexcited to be the line leader of
their class or get some specialassignment in their classroom.
But then by the time they gethome in the afternoon, miserable

(04:36):
, lashing out at you for noreason, not getting along with
their siblings, and the teacherslike they can't seem to
pinpoint any real issue that washappening consistently at
school that would havecontributed to this.
And in fact they often tell youright that your kids did

(04:56):
perfectly fine in school.
You get these glowing reportsof your kids at school and the
teachers often get reallysurprised, in my experience,
when you tell them how yourevenings go, it's like, wow,
they were fine all day at school.
So here's what we've realizedGoing to school is just

(05:19):
completely exhausting for manykids.
It's physically, emotionally andmentally draining and young
children waking up at 6.30 or 7am and moving right to breakfast
and getting ready for the dayand jumping in the car for the
school, transitioning and thengoing to their classroom and

(05:40):
then expending a lot of energystill sitting quietly and trying
to focus in class.
They have rules to follow, workto complete and various duties
they have to fulfill throughoutthe day and, depending on the
school they go to, many of themlack the sufficient time that

(06:01):
they need to play, to run and tojust regroup and recenter
themselves throughout the day.
So by the time your kids gethome from school, they are quick
to fall apart.
No wonder I would be too.
Every parent I've ever coachedthat has had this issue with

(06:24):
their kids melting down comes tothe same realization.
My kid saves their mostdifficult behavior for me, and
there's a reason for that.
It's because they trust you tohelp them through those
difficult moments and to lovethem unconditionally in their
meltdown.
That's why people will oftentell you I don't know what

(06:49):
you're talking about.
They're perfectly behaved whenthey're at my house.
So the good news in all of thisis that there's hope.
We can make simple changes tohelp kids cope with the
overwhelming feelings that oftencreep in once the day is done.

(07:09):
Okay, so here's your new mantraRefuel, regulate, reconnect.
Okay, let's break those down.
Refuel this one's simple.
Feed them.
They're running on empty.
Have simple, healthy snacksready to go Cheese, a meat stick
, some almonds, fruit, granolabars, cheese sticks, whatever

(07:34):
works for your crew.
Here's a pro tip, though Makethe snack before pickup, even if
you have to do it the nightbefore.
It's a small investment thatpays off big time.
Experts even recommend mealfoods for afterschool snacks.

(07:55):
They recommend like wholegrains, lean proteins, fruits
and veggies right, so if youfeel like you're feeding them
dinner at three o'clock, guesswhat?
It's okay, they're going to gethungry again.
You could think like bagelswith some nut butter, yogurt,
leftover chicken.
These types of things can helpfill the nutritional gaps and

(08:19):
then steady their energy levels.
Fill the nutritional gaps andthen steady their energy levels.
And it shows your kids, whenyou show up to get them from
school with a snack, that you'rethinking about them.
It's modeling that, listeningto our bodies and feeding the
body when it hasn't eaten inthree or four hours is a healthy

(08:41):
way to take care of yourself.
So regulate.
What does regulate mean?
Well, you're going to helptheir bodies and brains come
back to center.
Some kids need to move theirbody.
They desperately need to ridetheir bike or shoot hoops or
jump on the trampoline for 15 or30 minutes after school.

(09:01):
And others need quiet.
They need books, laying on thecouch, snuggling with their
stuffed animals, right, playingwith a pet, just quietly on
their own.
Let your child lead here, okay,notice what works and then
build it into your rhythm.

(09:21):
Make sure that you're tailoringthe after school downtime for
your kids' special needs, andthen finally reconnect.
This is the heart of it.
No lectures, no interrogations,no long talks, just you Just be

(09:42):
present, sit with them, askthem something like what was the
best part of your day or whatwas something that made you
laugh today?
Okay, avoid peppering them withconnection.
Avoid peppering them withquestions right away.
Instead of jumping intohomework or friend drama, let

(10:04):
them decompress, gaze out thewindow.
Let them gaze out the window onthe drive home together.
Be screen free, be present.
Let them tune out and letyourself decompress too.
Even a few minutes ofconnection can reset the entire

(10:25):
evening.
Here's a little faith moment Ijust want to drop in here.
Let's not forget how Jesusoperated.
He didn't start with commands.
He started with compassion andconnection.
He fed people before he taughtthem.
He met needs first.
So can we.

(10:46):
So what do you do before pickup?
Well, what you do before youpick the kids up from school
matters.
If we, the parents who areshowing up to connect with our
kids, are frazzled, we pass thatenergy along to our kids.
So I want you to try this.
I want you to give yourself 15minutes of decompression time

(11:10):
before you squeal into theparking lot and pick your child
up from school.
First, I want you to take threedeep breaths, really get a good
inhale and blow all your airout.
Three cleansing breaths torecenter your own self, and then
just say a quick prayer Godgive me your peace for this

(11:36):
moment.
And then have the snacks ready,okay.
And then have the snacks ready.
Okay, cue up some call me musicor something that helps you to
decompress on your drive andjust have a nice classical music
environment in your car or,better yet, no music at all,

(12:07):
music at all, and certainly nomeetings that you're on in your
car, or on Zoom, or with yourheadphones in right.
Set the tone for your kidsbefore they walk through that
car door.
And don't forget to check yourown needs too.
Do you need a snack?
Do you need a moment of silence, a reminder that God is with
you in this?
And then finally, create a sethomework routine right.

(12:29):
Prevent those gnarly homeworkfeuds by setting up a
clutter-free spot to work andtrying to do the homework at the
same time each day, after theyget 30 minutes to decompress,
and then consider having themwork on their homework while you
get dinner ready, so you can beavailable here and there to

(12:51):
help.
And if your child is reallystruggling, email the teacher
and close the books for the day.
Okay, homework is just what itsays Work at home.
And as families of character, wewant to connect with our kids
in the evening hours.
They've been at school all day.
We've been working all day.

(13:13):
We need to prioritize downtime.
Kids need time to play, hangout.
Kids need time to play, hangout, read and create on their
own terms.
And when we get overscheduledand overburdened with so much
homework and our kids arerunning from one event to
another, unstructured time goesout the window and that can have

(13:36):
lots of negative consequencesfor kids.
They need time to be bored andhave downtime in their day.
After-school routines shouldinclude some amount of time for
kids to unwind and engage infree play.
Play together, okay, playtogether with your kids.

(13:58):
I often recommend playing aboard game or a simple card game
like Uno or Slapjack with kidsright after school.
This helps kids ease out ofthose overwhelming feelings that
the end of the day brings andinto a calmer state of mind.
It helps them transition fromtheir school life to home with

(14:21):
greater ease.
You know homework can waituntil after dinner.
Be present Back.
In episode 62, titled BestPractices for a Smooth
Transition Back to School, Italked about the nine most
important minutes of a child'sday when they're going to school

(14:42):
, and the essence of thatepisode was to dial up the
intentionality and your presence.
You know, as parents, we oftenworry about the impact of screen
time on the developing brain ofour kids, but we often forget
about the negative impact ourown screen time use has on the

(15:07):
relationship with our kids.
So make a commitment to putyour phone down and attend to
your kid.
They are smart.
If they sense a disconnect,they're going to retreat, and I
can't stress it enough it'simportant for us to disconnect
from our phones and otherscreens when our kids come home

(15:27):
from school.
Besides, we all need a forcedbreak anyway.
Let's face it, kids are under alot of pressure today.
We put them in school whenthey're what?
18 months old or so, and theyspend more hours at school most
days than we do at work.
Without multiple breaks intheir day to get outside and

(15:50):
move their bodies and releasesome steam, they melt down.
So give them some grace, decidehow you're going to change the
after-school routine so you canoffer them a place to decompress
and wind down, to refuel theirbody with a good snack, engage
in creative play and have somefocused, screen-free time with

(16:13):
you each afternoon or evening.
Homework will become less of afight and they'll have positive
memories of their afternoons athome with you going forward.
Let me just leave you with thisLamentations.
Chapter 3, verses 22 and 23,says the steadfast love of the

(16:34):
Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to anend.
They are new every morning,friends.
If they are new every morning,they're new every afternoon too,
especially at 345, whensomebody's crying and someone
else is yelling about the grapes.

(16:55):
Okay, this is your sacred space.
The after school hours aren'tjust a transition.
They're an opportunity for usto model grace.
You're not going to do itperfectly and you don't need to
Just keep showing up, keeploving and keep pointing your
family toward peace.

(17:15):
Let's bring it home with aquick recap the three R's Refuel
, feed the body to calm thebrain, regulate, create space to
reset movement or rest.
Let the child lead andreconnect, be present, listen
and love.
Build this rhythm one day at atime.

(17:38):
Parents, thanks for tuning intothe Families of Character show.
You've got this, god's got you.
Join us next time and rememberstay intentional, stay playful
and keep leading your familywith love.
I'll catch you on anotherepisode of our show real soon.
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