July 29, 2025 • 28 mins
In Episode 20, I talk about supporting my 8-year-old as she learns to build different friendships, and how I’m learning too. Navigating childhood connections isn’t always easy, but being present through the highs and lows makes all the difference.
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Episode Transcript
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UNKNOWN (00:00):
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Hi and welcome back to thefamily of one child podcast.
I am so glad you're joining.
Today we are talking aboutfriends.
Why can't we be friends?
And friendships.
So friends and friendships.
(00:47):
The reason why I want to talkabout this topic is because...
So my daughter is eight yearsold and building friendships.
Now I tell you what, growing up,see I had...
I had siblings.
So I was the youngest of five.
The closest sister to me in agewas three years old.
(01:07):
So I would always hang aroundwith her.
My oldest siblings, the one who,the second oldest, she pretty
much raised me.
And so, you know, I always hadsiblings, older siblings around
me.
And I...
(01:27):
It was from, I had lots ofcousins who are similar my age.
I mean, so, you know, having,building friendships, I didn't
really feel alone growing up.
We just had a lot of people.
But having an only child, Istarted to notice as she was
(01:52):
growing up, you know, and we'redoing different activities.
That she has to obviously formher own friendships as you do as
you get older.
But, you know, what I'm tryingto say is I wondered if it was
different in some ways.
Because like when you go tochurch or when you go to an
(02:16):
activity or even school or goingto the park, I always had my
sibling with me who was threeyears older.
Or I had an older siblinglooking after me.
But with my child, so I hadsomeone similar my age I got to
(02:38):
play with.
But my child, you know, being anonly child, you know, it's not
like, oh, yeah, you can go andget your sibling or so-and-so to
go and play with you.
You have to, she has to formthose relationships and learn
how to navigate with otherchildren.
(02:58):
You want to play with me orsomeone invite her, something
like that.
And so I started to notice that.
Well, that's why I did thelittle local ventures group and
so she can build friendships.
But as she's getting older andshe's forming her own
friendships on her own, which isawesome.
Sometimes those friendships, youknow, either she's with older
(03:21):
kids who are two years older orshe's with kids who are the same
age or younger.
It's really interesting how...
She navigates that because, youknow, some friendships and she,
you know, she's a girl.
So I can only speak from girlexperiences.
It's interesting.
(03:41):
I mean, if you're listening, youhave a boy.
I don't know what it's like forboys to have and you have an
only child.
and how that works out, buildingfriendships for them.
And do they just stick with thesame friend?
I don't know.
I know with girls, with my oneat this moment being eight years
old, she's just, you know,friends.
(04:04):
One minute you're good friends,next minute you're okay friends,
and next minute you're goodfriends.
And then some friends just,especially with siblings, it's
just different.
And so I wanted to talk aboutthat.
Like, oh my goodness.
So because I am very good atbuilding community and my job is
(04:26):
a volunteer coordinator, I wasthinking there's no way if I'm
building all of this communitystuff and yet my child is not
really feeling a connection withher own friends.
Now, I'm like, man, I reallylike give her tools to how to
(04:52):
deal with when friendshipschange.
Because, you know, I think likeall of us, you know, you want to
be friends with that person.
But for so many reasons, eitherthey move on, they want to be
friends with someone else orphysically like they have to
relocate.
They're not going to be in thesame town.
UNKNOWN (05:09):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (05:09):
Or just different interests, or your child may be
like, you know, I don't reallywant to be friends with them.
Or personality-wise, they wereawesome, and now they're not,
they're great.
So what do you do?
So I'm thinking to myself, oh,brother.
And I start to see the signs, soI start asking other people.
I asked some moms with multiplechildren, and I said, hey, did
(05:31):
your child around this age...
did they struggle connectingwith people, you know, friends,
people, other kids their age,and I specifically for a girl
right about her age, and shesaid, yeah, she had five
children.
I'm like, four.
And she was telling me one ofthem, you know, the other kids
were fine, but one of her kids,they really found it a struggle
(05:51):
to connect, even when they wereat church.
She said, she just, it was justdifficult to connect because at
that time, a lot of kids werereally quickly, quickly, Clicky.
And she just couldn't fit in theway.
And it took her a while, like along, long time to find the
right group.
And I think she said not toolong when she went to university
(06:14):
or college, something like that.
But she struggled all throughoutthe teenage years.
And then I thought, holy.
And then I asked other parents,and some were– said, oh, yeah,
that's why I just get a dog oran animal.
Oh, my goodness.
Really?
(06:34):
But they said it worked forthem.
And so I asked my husband, andhe can tell a story.
He said growing up, being anonly child, he loved it, but he
didn't really bond with otherkids his age.
It wasn't until later, until hewent to university or college,
that he found his group offriends.
Because, yeah, from church,right about there.
(06:56):
I was like, oh, brother.
Like, goodness gracious me.
So I wonder if it comes down to,I don't know, because I tell
Olivia, if you want to have afriend, you've got to be a
friend.
But I always say be a friend toyourself first.
Because once you, I really dobelieve that.
(07:18):
When you tell yourself that, ittook me a long time.
And I'm like, what?
I'm gonna be 50 am I 50 nextyear I think I'm 50 yeah that
and she's only eight so thereyou go so I'm just I keep
(07:40):
reminding her she is an awesomeperson and we love her and she
has good qualities but she'sgotta learn to be good to
herself first and no matter whatage you're at And that way you
can give out to others becausehow you feel about yourself.
But I was thinking, man, justthis age and to see her just
(08:02):
trying to find friendships thatis meaningful to her.
Because you can have friends.
She has people likeacquaintances that want to hang
out with her, her girlfriends.
But because of either interestsor just she has other things
she's got to do or theconnection, she's going to need
(08:23):
to spend time with them becauseshe's like, oh, you know,
they're really nice.
But, you know, for this amountof time, no, or personalities,
she's like, oh, it just doesn'twork, mommy.
So I'm like, wow, I wonder howother moms with an only child
deal with this as well.
And I met two other moms.
(08:43):
I met two other moms.
This other mom, I was at workand I got to know her.
And I'll tell you aboutfriendships.
And then she was like, yeah, Iwas an only child.
Now she has two kids.
She goes, I grew up, I was theonly child.
And I'm totally messed up.
And I'm looking at this35-something-year-old lady.
(09:04):
You wouldn't think about thatbecause she looks all put
together.
And she started laughing.
And I was like, messed up.
What do you mean?
She didn't go into detail whatshe means by messed up.
But I was like, oh, okay then.
And she had to go somewhere.
And I was thinking, what in theworld do you mean by that?
(09:25):
And then I met another friendand she said that she's an only
child as I got to know her.
And she said, oh, she didn'tlike it.
She, you know, being an onlychild and her parents were
totally too focused on her andher story, like, from a
different background as well.
She's like, yeah, I messed up.
I was messed up.
I mean, what in the world?
But there's only two people,mind you.
(09:47):
So I am on the– I tell myself,you know what?
I know plenty.
I really need to know are thereplenty other people out there,
adults.
It would be interesting toprobably have them maybe on the
podcast as And I should ask themtheir story, those who are not
(10:10):
messed up to give us hope.
I should ask my niece and nephewbecause they're going on their
30s.
And I ask them, can you tell usyour version of your childhood
and now you're an adult?
Would you have children?
Or what are the positives aboutbeing an only child?
(10:33):
I mean...
My daughter, she loves being anonly child.
Yes, there are moments where shesays it is difficult because
when she's at school and she'sin a challenging situation,
either she's getting bullied orshe just feels like she wishes
she could play with someone and,you know, no one wants to play
(10:53):
the game.
She said, it's just thosemoments where, mommy, sometimes
I wish I had an older siblingbecause then I could go to
someone Or someone can, youknow, be with me and I can stick
up.
But she's formed her own littlegroup, I think, with other
little girls, two or three ofthem.
And she said, but it's okay now.
We all stick up for each other.
(11:14):
I'm like, oh my goodness, that'sgreat, Olivia.
Way to go.
Good job.
And so I thought about thatbecause I didn't have to really
do that.
I was being, you know, having...
Other siblings, like theyalways, when I went to school,
they were always ahead of me.
We all went to the same school.
I pretty much went to the sameelementary they did.
(11:35):
I went to the same intermediate,middle school, and high school,
college.
High school, what we call in NewZealand, college.
So I, because they play sportsand they're well-known in the
school, and they were just, youknow, themselves.
(11:55):
Awesome kids.
When I came along being theyoungest, the teachers pretty
much knew me because I knew myfamily.
And so I was like, had a pathwayof, it was okay.
And then I had a sister who wasthree years older than me.
So, you know, she pretty muchwas there when I first started
(12:15):
high school.
And as I was just at elementary,I think she just left a few
years after, you know, I waswith her for a year.
Then she moved on to middleschool, something like that.
So I always had someone there,but with having an only child,
you know, she's had to navigatethat.
And I wondered, and as she'sgetting older, I'm like, I got
(12:41):
good advice.
Like, well, I can't solve, youknow, parents, whether you have
multiple children or an onlychild, you can't solve all their
problems.
friendship problems you can onlyjust help and be there to listen
and give them good tools but Iwas thinking what can I do to
(13:02):
help you build friendships whereshe because I you know I'm very
extrovert so me and people I'mlike woo woo hi hi hi I'm like
the buddy hello how are you howare you doing good to see you
good to see you good to see youand I'm want to get to know you.
(13:23):
And then when I go home, I justwant to sleep because that's
just me.
So, and my daughter, she's moreof the introvert.
like your dad.
And so I thought, well, you knowwhat?
I'm good at saying hi to peopleand I can help her build those
friendships until she is moreconfident and she can reach out
(13:44):
to others.
And sometimes, you know, she isgetting better now.
She'll reach out to a kid.
You know, she'll go up to them.
Sometimes, you know, there'sbeen times when the child
doesn't want to play with her.
And then sometimes the childdoes want to play with her.
like any parent where theirchild doesn't want to play with
that child, but she's been onthe opposite end too.
I mean, I've seen children, theywant to play with it.
(14:05):
She was like, no, thank you.
Hey, remember you wanted to playwith someone at that time.
Now you be that person forsomeone where they want to play
with you.
So I've had to teach you theother end as well.
It's like, it's nice if a childwants to play with you, then you
play with them because you knowwhat that feels like.
It's always good to teach bothways.
(14:27):
So as I'm sharing about this,I'm thinking, what can I share
with people and what I'm goingto do to help my child connect
and build new friendships atthis age?
Because she's eight years old.
You might be at this age withyour child.
Maybe you want to share.
(14:47):
So first, I go to a localchurch.
And so in order for me to helpher, You know, there's things I
can volunteer.
For example, you know, eitherteach Sunday school or volunteer
on the team and just be ahelper, not teacher.
And so she can be in the sameclass as, you know, the students
(15:16):
where she can learn to befriends.
Now, my sister, she gave me agood idea.
She said, you know, I don't haveto teach because Last few years,
I taught Sunday school for manyyears.
She goes, well, you don't haveto teach Sunday school.
You can just be a helper or justbe a substitute teacher where
she can just go to the Sundayschool class around kids who are
(15:39):
the same age.
And I thought, that's a goodidea.
So there's things like that.
Or I could volunteer.
There's other things at church.
And I say church because there'sa lot of kids who are aged.
that volunteer she already hasshe goes to the barn and she
meets kids her age and they'reall like similar they all love
(15:59):
horses so she has a lot of barnfriends and then at school she
has school friends but outsideof that it's very important to
her because for me I noticebecause she has friends at the
barn we don't live close to thebarn it's an hour away so if
Some of her friends do live faraway from us.
(16:21):
And it's always not convenientfor us to go and see them
because it's in our way.
But, you know, she has some,there are some kids her age that
also, they live close by.
But we just have not had the, wejust haven't built a close
relationship with them yet.
So now it's time to go back.
(16:42):
It's time to go back and buildthose friendships.
Because as she's going to getolder, And when you grow up, you
know, she's got to go to youthgroup and it's always good to
have friends in differentcircles.
I always think so.
Why?
Well, why is it?
(17:03):
Why could she just not just havebarn friends and school friends?
Well, here's the thing.
For our family, we go to thechurch and it's really no point.
this is where I see it.
There's no point for me going tochurch if I enjoy it and I have
my adult friends who areChristians and my husband, he
(17:24):
has his friends and our child isgoing to the same church, same
fellowship and she is notconnecting with anybody.
That just doesn't make sense tome and she doesn't enjoy it.
I mean, she enjoys going tochurch but then she's like, no,
I don't want to go and it orcome down to because there's no
friends, there's no one I reallyconnect, no one I play with.
(17:45):
So I'm like, there's no pointdoing this if she's not enjoying
it.
And my husband agreed.
So I want to tell you that aswell.
When you go to a place, whetherif it's a church or whether if
it's activity, just like LittleLocal Adventures, when I was
building that, the field tripgroup, and I think one time
(18:06):
there was a group A few weeks, Iwas losing my mind because I
started helping out otherfamilies and making sure their
kids were good, their kids wereenjoying the event, their kids
were getting their attention.
And I was really like, notforgetting Olivia, but I started
to notice she wasn't enjoying itto the point where she's like, I
(18:28):
don't want to go anymore.
And then I was talking to myhusband and he said, why did you
build this?
Was it for other children or wasit for her?
And you want to explore andlearn about the community, build
friendships, and learn together.
You know, learn and growtogether and get some
friendships where both of youare enjoying it.
(18:50):
And I went, oh, yeah.
So that's when I started tochange my approach.
Now, I've always been that.
If I'm doing something, what arebetter for me, I want to make
sure that it benefits myself andit benefits my family.
If it just benefits myself andmy family are not getting
(19:11):
anything out of it, bah humbug,I'm not going to continue at
that anymore.
No matter how awesome it is orno matter how wonderful I end up
being, it's just no use.
Because what is the point?
What is the point doing all ofthis if my child and husband are
miserable?
Now, I'm sure there might besome things like, well, hold on
(19:31):
a minute.
It's all relative.
I'm sure there's something like,massage chairs I love if I see a
massage chair I want to sit onit now I can sit on it for five
I mean I would sit on it for anhour but if I sit in it the
whole day every day did nothingI mean that would be amazing but
my family be like can you justplease get up and come be with
(19:54):
us you're just sitting in thewhole in that chair for a whole
week so I'm sure there's somethings within time.
But if I'm doing a study or ifI'm doing an activity, honestly,
that's helping me grow as aperson, I always evaluate it as
how's it going to benefit myfamily?
(20:14):
Because in order for me to shareit and give it to people, I want
to give the most what I learnedand I'm excited about to my
family.
I mean, that's how I operatenow.
Why?
because it's all that time ilearned about myself it's all
that time i i learned growing orbuilding friendships so the more
(20:36):
i learn about buildingfriendships the more and there's
no point me helping out otherpeople if i'm not going to have
my own child out that justdoesn't make sense so here's a
tip another one so remember tryand find something that you can
volunteer that You don't have tobe there.
For example, if it's teachingSunday school, maybe you can
just be a substitute teacherlike my sister said.
(21:00):
Another one is, what's anotherone you can do?
You can always as well try andmaybe join something like an
activity around your child'sage.
I mean, because Olivia hasfriends who are two years older
than her and sometimesconversations, even though she's
(21:21):
eight, can be a little bit morefast track like she doesn't need
to talk about certain topicswhen you're 10 or 11 especially
when they're talking about stufflike just hold on a minute
you're only eight years old youjust turned to eight your
friends are going on like 11 and12 totally different
conversations sometimesdepending on what they're
(21:41):
talking about and then three issometimes you might need to be a
friend to a person.
You don't really get on wellwith that, you know, the mom.
I mean, but for your child,like, it's more of your child's
friend.
And the parents, you're okay.
(22:02):
I mean, there is some, you know,when Olivia was little, there's
some parents, I mean, we didn'treally connect, but it was just
enough for our child to connect.
And we were okay with that.
Like the mum and I, we talked,but we only talked and wanted to
hang out when the kids want tohang out at the park.
So then we picked like a neutrallocation, like let's meet at the
(22:26):
park for them.
And we would just talk aboutreally light stuff.
And I was okay with that.
And she was okay.
You kind of get that feelinglike, you know, the mum's okay,
but we're not like going to meetup for coffee.
We're not going to meet up forbreakfast.
after this, all the times it'sher and I, it's just really the
friends and I, yeah.
So then you might have, I mighthave to redo that, look at some
(22:49):
activities where I go back tothat scenario.
So I hope you listening to thisgives you kind of encouragement
that one, building friendships,whether your child is like
struggling to connect and if youcan help your child to connect,
(23:10):
You've got to step up.
You've got to step up and stepout.
And it may be awkward becauseyou might like, oh, my goodness,
I am not good with connectingwith people myself.
Well, you know, I'm just goingto say it.
Maybe have your husband help.
Maybe you've got to have agrandparent that can help.
Have someone help the child.
(23:31):
The child is way too young.
And if you can have an adultwho's positive, who's outgoing,
that can be the wingman.
I think they're called thewingman.
It can be that person thatbrings around other people that
is kind.
You don't want a person thatgoes all crazy.
Like, I don't want thatcraziness coming to my life.
Find someone or a neighbor thatis appropriate, that's good for
(23:55):
your family.
Get them.
because they can bring otherpeople around you.
And remember, friendships taketime too.
As you know personally yourself,as you are building your own
friends, and I'm sure you've hadto navigate different types of
friendships, buildingfriendships for your child is
going to be different atdifferent seasons.
(24:16):
I know when she was little andnow up to eight years old, It's
completely different.
So I just want to continue on inencouraging you.
You can do it.
You are doing the best you canwith the time and resources that
you have.
So I want to encourage you.
that you are a wonderful mom foryour only child and you are a
(24:42):
wonderful wife for your husbandand what do i always say like
you are amazing now when i wastalking to the one mom and she
was telling me she grew up as anonly child the mother at work i
was telling her look you aredoing the best you can with the
time that's given with theresources you have so you know
(25:05):
what i hope you see and thethings that you are doing.
She had told me that she wasworking on a project.
She was able to complete it.
And I said, you are doing good.
And she has two kids right now,little ones.
So I said, I hope you take time.
You're able to take time,whatever that is.
Maybe treat yourself somethingnice.
I don't know, a cupcake or Idon't know, whatever that looks
(25:28):
for her.
And I said, I just hope you getto celebrate because you're
doing the best you can.
And she looked at me, she goes,you're right.
I said, yes, you are a wonderfulmama.
And even though she said forher, whatever, that growing up,
being an only child, she wasmessed up.
I think the more I talk to her,as I get to know her more and
(25:48):
hear her story, because messedup could be so interpreted in
different things.
I mean, you know, but I'm justsaying, when you're hearing this
podcast story, I want to let youknow that you are doing the best
you can.
And I hope you don't take, youknow, too, I hope you're not
(26:10):
hard on yourself because you area wonderful person.
I mean, I tell myself, look,there are things that I could do
better.
Like people say, you knowbetter, do better.
Yeah.
And the things that I don'tknow, like, I don't know.
I really don't know about thosesituations.
So once I know and I'm moreaware of it, Okay, then yeah, I
(26:31):
will do better.
But I'm trying not to be socritical of myself.
I really am trying to just be alot kinder and give myself time
to like, okay, that didn't workout.
But whoopsie daisy, now I know,okay, you're doing the best you
can with the time that's given,with the resources you have.
(26:53):
Just breathe because you'reamazing.
and you're learning, and you'regrowing, and you're helping your
child to be the best that theycan be in the season they're at.
I think that's another one,another tip.
All seasons are different, andI'm only at, my child's only
eight years old, so I'm sure afew years from now, I will,
(27:14):
like, this podcast will be like,well, that's interesting.
Well, it could be on this, like,everything's amazing, and the
next minute, my podcast is like,my episode is like, whoa, we're
here.
This is where we are at as amom.
This is where I'm at.
So I just want to say thank youfor listening.
Thank you for supporting andemailing me.
(27:36):
I really do appreciate itbecause you are amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
To my listeners in Australia,Everson Worcestershire, thank
you so much for listening, toOrtega in Connecticut, you're
amazing, Chernobyl, Texas, thankyou, Ocala, Florida, and Amale
(27:57):
Male, thank you, and Alka,Indiana, and also to Redding and
Redding.
I want to say thank you so muchfor supporting, sending, Just
liking and subscribe at thisepisode.
And thank you for also sharingthis.
I appreciate you very much.
This is for your friend with amom with an only child.
(28:17):
Thank you very much.
And remember, you are doing thebest you can with the time and
resources you have.
I will meet you in the nextepisode.
Bye.
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Hi and welcome back to thefamily of one child podcast.
I am so glad you're joining.
Today we are talking aboutfriends.
Why can't we be friends?
And friendships.
So friends and friendships.
(00:47):
The reason why I want to talkabout this topic is because...
So my daughter is eight yearsold and building friendships.
Now I tell you what, growing up,see I had...
I had siblings.
So I was the youngest of five.
The closest sister to me in agewas three years old.
(01:07):
So I would always hang aroundwith her.
My oldest siblings, the one who,the second oldest, she pretty
much raised me.
And so, you know, I always hadsiblings, older siblings around
me.
And I...
(01:27):
It was from, I had lots ofcousins who are similar my age.
I mean, so, you know, having,building friendships, I didn't
really feel alone growing up.
We just had a lot of people.
But having an only child, Istarted to notice as she was
(01:52):
growing up, you know, and we'redoing different activities.
That she has to obviously formher own friendships as you do as
you get older.
But, you know, what I'm tryingto say is I wondered if it was
different in some ways.
Because like when you go tochurch or when you go to an
(02:16):
activity or even school or goingto the park, I always had my
sibling with me who was threeyears older.
Or I had an older siblinglooking after me.
But with my child, so I hadsomeone similar my age I got to
(02:38):
play with.
But my child, you know, being anonly child, you know, it's not
like, oh, yeah, you can go andget your sibling or so-and-so to
go and play with you.
You have to, she has to formthose relationships and learn
how to navigate with otherchildren.
(02:58):
You want to play with me orsomeone invite her, something
like that.
And so I started to notice that.
Well, that's why I did thelittle local ventures group and
so she can build friendships.
But as she's getting older andshe's forming her own
friendships on her own, which isawesome.
Sometimes those friendships, youknow, either she's with older
(03:21):
kids who are two years older orshe's with kids who are the same
age or younger.
It's really interesting how...
She navigates that because, youknow, some friendships and she,
you know, she's a girl.
So I can only speak from girlexperiences.
It's interesting.
(03:41):
I mean, if you're listening, youhave a boy.
I don't know what it's like forboys to have and you have an
only child.
and how that works out, buildingfriendships for them.
And do they just stick with thesame friend?
I don't know.
I know with girls, with my oneat this moment being eight years
old, she's just, you know,friends.
(04:04):
One minute you're good friends,next minute you're okay friends,
and next minute you're goodfriends.
And then some friends just,especially with siblings, it's
just different.
And so I wanted to talk aboutthat.
Like, oh my goodness.
So because I am very good atbuilding community and my job is
(04:26):
a volunteer coordinator, I wasthinking there's no way if I'm
building all of this communitystuff and yet my child is not
really feeling a connection withher own friends.
Now, I'm like, man, I reallylike give her tools to how to
(04:52):
deal with when friendshipschange.
Because, you know, I think likeall of us, you know, you want to
be friends with that person.
But for so many reasons, eitherthey move on, they want to be
friends with someone else orphysically like they have to
relocate.
They're not going to be in thesame town.
UNKNOWN (05:09):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (05:09):
Or just different interests, or your child may be
like, you know, I don't reallywant to be friends with them.
Or personality-wise, they wereawesome, and now they're not,
they're great.
So what do you do?
So I'm thinking to myself, oh,brother.
And I start to see the signs, soI start asking other people.
I asked some moms with multiplechildren, and I said, hey, did
(05:31):
your child around this age...
did they struggle connectingwith people, you know, friends,
people, other kids their age,and I specifically for a girl
right about her age, and shesaid, yeah, she had five
children.
I'm like, four.
And she was telling me one ofthem, you know, the other kids
were fine, but one of her kids,they really found it a struggle
(05:51):
to connect, even when they wereat church.
She said, she just, it was justdifficult to connect because at
that time, a lot of kids werereally quickly, quickly, Clicky.
And she just couldn't fit in theway.
And it took her a while, like along, long time to find the
right group.
And I think she said not toolong when she went to university
(06:14):
or college, something like that.
But she struggled all throughoutthe teenage years.
And then I thought, holy.
And then I asked other parents,and some were– said, oh, yeah,
that's why I just get a dog oran animal.
Oh, my goodness.
Really?
(06:34):
But they said it worked forthem.
And so I asked my husband, andhe can tell a story.
He said growing up, being anonly child, he loved it, but he
didn't really bond with otherkids his age.
It wasn't until later, until hewent to university or college,
that he found his group offriends.
Because, yeah, from church,right about there.
(06:56):
I was like, oh, brother.
Like, goodness gracious me.
So I wonder if it comes down to,I don't know, because I tell
Olivia, if you want to have afriend, you've got to be a
friend.
But I always say be a friend toyourself first.
Because once you, I really dobelieve that.
(07:18):
When you tell yourself that, ittook me a long time.
And I'm like, what?
I'm gonna be 50 am I 50 nextyear I think I'm 50 yeah that
and she's only eight so thereyou go so I'm just I keep
(07:40):
reminding her she is an awesomeperson and we love her and she
has good qualities but she'sgotta learn to be good to
herself first and no matter whatage you're at And that way you
can give out to others becausehow you feel about yourself.
But I was thinking, man, justthis age and to see her just
(08:02):
trying to find friendships thatis meaningful to her.
Because you can have friends.
She has people likeacquaintances that want to hang
out with her, her girlfriends.
But because of either interestsor just she has other things
she's got to do or theconnection, she's going to need
(08:23):
to spend time with them becauseshe's like, oh, you know,
they're really nice.
But, you know, for this amountof time, no, or personalities,
she's like, oh, it just doesn'twork, mommy.
So I'm like, wow, I wonder howother moms with an only child
deal with this as well.
And I met two other moms.
(08:43):
I met two other moms.
This other mom, I was at workand I got to know her.
And I'll tell you aboutfriendships.
And then she was like, yeah, Iwas an only child.
Now she has two kids.
She goes, I grew up, I was theonly child.
And I'm totally messed up.
And I'm looking at this35-something-year-old lady.
(09:04):
You wouldn't think about thatbecause she looks all put
together.
And she started laughing.
And I was like, messed up.
What do you mean?
She didn't go into detail whatshe means by messed up.
But I was like, oh, okay then.
And she had to go somewhere.
And I was thinking, what in theworld do you mean by that?
(09:25):
And then I met another friendand she said that she's an only
child as I got to know her.
And she said, oh, she didn'tlike it.
She, you know, being an onlychild and her parents were
totally too focused on her andher story, like, from a
different background as well.
She's like, yeah, I messed up.
I was messed up.
I mean, what in the world?
But there's only two people,mind you.
(09:47):
So I am on the– I tell myself,you know what?
I know plenty.
I really need to know are thereplenty other people out there,
adults.
It would be interesting toprobably have them maybe on the
podcast as And I should ask themtheir story, those who are not
(10:10):
messed up to give us hope.
I should ask my niece and nephewbecause they're going on their
30s.
And I ask them, can you tell usyour version of your childhood
and now you're an adult?
Would you have children?
Or what are the positives aboutbeing an only child?
(10:33):
I mean...
My daughter, she loves being anonly child.
Yes, there are moments where shesays it is difficult because
when she's at school and she'sin a challenging situation,
either she's getting bullied orshe just feels like she wishes
she could play with someone and,you know, no one wants to play
(10:53):
the game.
She said, it's just thosemoments where, mommy, sometimes
I wish I had an older siblingbecause then I could go to
someone Or someone can, youknow, be with me and I can stick
up.
But she's formed her own littlegroup, I think, with other
little girls, two or three ofthem.
And she said, but it's okay now.
We all stick up for each other.
(11:14):
I'm like, oh my goodness, that'sgreat, Olivia.
Way to go.
Good job.
And so I thought about thatbecause I didn't have to really
do that.
I was being, you know, having...
Other siblings, like theyalways, when I went to school,
they were always ahead of me.
We all went to the same school.
I pretty much went to the sameelementary they did.
(11:35):
I went to the same intermediate,middle school, and high school,
college.
High school, what we call in NewZealand, college.
So I, because they play sportsand they're well-known in the
school, and they were just, youknow, themselves.
(11:55):
Awesome kids.
When I came along being theyoungest, the teachers pretty
much knew me because I knew myfamily.
And so I was like, had a pathwayof, it was okay.
And then I had a sister who wasthree years older than me.
So, you know, she pretty muchwas there when I first started
(12:15):
high school.
And as I was just at elementary,I think she just left a few
years after, you know, I waswith her for a year.
Then she moved on to middleschool, something like that.
So I always had someone there,but with having an only child,
you know, she's had to navigatethat.
And I wondered, and as she'sgetting older, I'm like, I got
(12:41):
good advice.
Like, well, I can't solve, youknow, parents, whether you have
multiple children or an onlychild, you can't solve all their
problems.
friendship problems you can onlyjust help and be there to listen
and give them good tools but Iwas thinking what can I do to
(13:02):
help you build friendships whereshe because I you know I'm very
extrovert so me and people I'mlike woo woo hi hi hi I'm like
the buddy hello how are you howare you doing good to see you
good to see you good to see youand I'm want to get to know you.
(13:23):
And then when I go home, I justwant to sleep because that's
just me.
So, and my daughter, she's moreof the introvert.
like your dad.
And so I thought, well, you knowwhat?
I'm good at saying hi to peopleand I can help her build those
friendships until she is moreconfident and she can reach out
(13:44):
to others.
And sometimes, you know, she isgetting better now.
She'll reach out to a kid.
You know, she'll go up to them.
Sometimes, you know, there'sbeen times when the child
doesn't want to play with her.
And then sometimes the childdoes want to play with her.
like any parent where theirchild doesn't want to play with
that child, but she's been onthe opposite end too.
I mean, I've seen children, theywant to play with it.
(14:05):
She was like, no, thank you.
Hey, remember you wanted to playwith someone at that time.
Now you be that person forsomeone where they want to play
with you.
So I've had to teach you theother end as well.
It's like, it's nice if a childwants to play with you, then you
play with them because you knowwhat that feels like.
It's always good to teach bothways.
(14:27):
So as I'm sharing about this,I'm thinking, what can I share
with people and what I'm goingto do to help my child connect
and build new friendships atthis age?
Because she's eight years old.
You might be at this age withyour child.
Maybe you want to share.
(14:47):
So first, I go to a localchurch.
And so in order for me to helpher, You know, there's things I
can volunteer.
For example, you know, eitherteach Sunday school or volunteer
on the team and just be ahelper, not teacher.
And so she can be in the sameclass as, you know, the students
(15:16):
where she can learn to befriends.
Now, my sister, she gave me agood idea.
She said, you know, I don't haveto teach because Last few years,
I taught Sunday school for manyyears.
She goes, well, you don't haveto teach Sunday school.
You can just be a helper or justbe a substitute teacher where
she can just go to the Sundayschool class around kids who are
(15:39):
the same age.
And I thought, that's a goodidea.
So there's things like that.
Or I could volunteer.
There's other things at church.
And I say church because there'sa lot of kids who are aged.
that volunteer she already hasshe goes to the barn and she
meets kids her age and they'reall like similar they all love
(15:59):
horses so she has a lot of barnfriends and then at school she
has school friends but outsideof that it's very important to
her because for me I noticebecause she has friends at the
barn we don't live close to thebarn it's an hour away so if
Some of her friends do live faraway from us.
(16:21):
And it's always not convenientfor us to go and see them
because it's in our way.
But, you know, she has some,there are some kids her age that
also, they live close by.
But we just have not had the, wejust haven't built a close
relationship with them yet.
So now it's time to go back.
(16:42):
It's time to go back and buildthose friendships.
Because as she's going to getolder, And when you grow up, you
know, she's got to go to youthgroup and it's always good to
have friends in differentcircles.
I always think so.
Why?
Well, why is it?
(17:03):
Why could she just not just havebarn friends and school friends?
Well, here's the thing.
For our family, we go to thechurch and it's really no point.
this is where I see it.
There's no point for me going tochurch if I enjoy it and I have
my adult friends who areChristians and my husband, he
(17:24):
has his friends and our child isgoing to the same church, same
fellowship and she is notconnecting with anybody.
That just doesn't make sense tome and she doesn't enjoy it.
I mean, she enjoys going tochurch but then she's like, no,
I don't want to go and it orcome down to because there's no
friends, there's no one I reallyconnect, no one I play with.
(17:45):
So I'm like, there's no pointdoing this if she's not enjoying
it.
And my husband agreed.
So I want to tell you that aswell.
When you go to a place, whetherif it's a church or whether if
it's activity, just like LittleLocal Adventures, when I was
building that, the field tripgroup, and I think one time
(18:06):
there was a group A few weeks, Iwas losing my mind because I
started helping out otherfamilies and making sure their
kids were good, their kids wereenjoying the event, their kids
were getting their attention.
And I was really like, notforgetting Olivia, but I started
to notice she wasn't enjoying itto the point where she's like, I
(18:28):
don't want to go anymore.
And then I was talking to myhusband and he said, why did you
build this?
Was it for other children or wasit for her?
And you want to explore andlearn about the community, build
friendships, and learn together.
You know, learn and growtogether and get some
friendships where both of youare enjoying it.
(18:50):
And I went, oh, yeah.
So that's when I started tochange my approach.
Now, I've always been that.
If I'm doing something, what arebetter for me, I want to make
sure that it benefits myself andit benefits my family.
If it just benefits myself andmy family are not getting
(19:11):
anything out of it, bah humbug,I'm not going to continue at
that anymore.
No matter how awesome it is orno matter how wonderful I end up
being, it's just no use.
Because what is the point?
What is the point doing all ofthis if my child and husband are
miserable?
Now, I'm sure there might besome things like, well, hold on
(19:31):
a minute.
It's all relative.
I'm sure there's something like,massage chairs I love if I see a
massage chair I want to sit onit now I can sit on it for five
I mean I would sit on it for anhour but if I sit in it the
whole day every day did nothingI mean that would be amazing but
my family be like can you justplease get up and come be with
(19:54):
us you're just sitting in thewhole in that chair for a whole
week so I'm sure there's somethings within time.
But if I'm doing a study or ifI'm doing an activity, honestly,
that's helping me grow as aperson, I always evaluate it as
how's it going to benefit myfamily?
(20:14):
Because in order for me to shareit and give it to people, I want
to give the most what I learnedand I'm excited about to my
family.
I mean, that's how I operatenow.
Why?
because it's all that time ilearned about myself it's all
that time i i learned growing orbuilding friendships so the more
(20:36):
i learn about buildingfriendships the more and there's
no point me helping out otherpeople if i'm not going to have
my own child out that justdoesn't make sense so here's a
tip another one so remember tryand find something that you can
volunteer that You don't have tobe there.
For example, if it's teachingSunday school, maybe you can
just be a substitute teacherlike my sister said.
(21:00):
Another one is, what's anotherone you can do?
You can always as well try andmaybe join something like an
activity around your child'sage.
I mean, because Olivia hasfriends who are two years older
than her and sometimesconversations, even though she's
(21:21):
eight, can be a little bit morefast track like she doesn't need
to talk about certain topicswhen you're 10 or 11 especially
when they're talking about stufflike just hold on a minute
you're only eight years old youjust turned to eight your
friends are going on like 11 and12 totally different
conversations sometimesdepending on what they're
(21:41):
talking about and then three issometimes you might need to be a
friend to a person.
You don't really get on wellwith that, you know, the mom.
I mean, but for your child,like, it's more of your child's
friend.
And the parents, you're okay.
(22:02):
I mean, there is some, you know,when Olivia was little, there's
some parents, I mean, we didn'treally connect, but it was just
enough for our child to connect.
And we were okay with that.
Like the mum and I, we talked,but we only talked and wanted to
hang out when the kids want tohang out at the park.
So then we picked like a neutrallocation, like let's meet at the
(22:26):
park for them.
And we would just talk aboutreally light stuff.
And I was okay with that.
And she was okay.
You kind of get that feelinglike, you know, the mum's okay,
but we're not like going to meetup for coffee.
We're not going to meet up forbreakfast.
after this, all the times it'sher and I, it's just really the
friends and I, yeah.
So then you might have, I mighthave to redo that, look at some
(22:49):
activities where I go back tothat scenario.
So I hope you listening to thisgives you kind of encouragement
that one, building friendships,whether your child is like
struggling to connect and if youcan help your child to connect,
(23:10):
You've got to step up.
You've got to step up and stepout.
And it may be awkward becauseyou might like, oh, my goodness,
I am not good with connectingwith people myself.
Well, you know, I'm just goingto say it.
Maybe have your husband help.
Maybe you've got to have agrandparent that can help.
Have someone help the child.
(23:31):
The child is way too young.
And if you can have an adultwho's positive, who's outgoing,
that can be the wingman.
I think they're called thewingman.
It can be that person thatbrings around other people that
is kind.
You don't want a person thatgoes all crazy.
Like, I don't want thatcraziness coming to my life.
Find someone or a neighbor thatis appropriate, that's good for
(23:55):
your family.
Get them.
because they can bring otherpeople around you.
And remember, friendships taketime too.
As you know personally yourself,as you are building your own
friends, and I'm sure you've hadto navigate different types of
friendships, buildingfriendships for your child is
going to be different atdifferent seasons.
(24:16):
I know when she was little andnow up to eight years old, It's
completely different.
So I just want to continue on inencouraging you.
You can do it.
You are doing the best you canwith the time and resources that
you have.
So I want to encourage you.
that you are a wonderful mom foryour only child and you are a
(24:42):
wonderful wife for your husbandand what do i always say like
you are amazing now when i wastalking to the one mom and she
was telling me she grew up as anonly child the mother at work i
was telling her look you aredoing the best you can with the
time that's given with theresources you have so you know
(25:05):
what i hope you see and thethings that you are doing.
She had told me that she wasworking on a project.
She was able to complete it.
And I said, you are doing good.
And she has two kids right now,little ones.
So I said, I hope you take time.
You're able to take time,whatever that is.
Maybe treat yourself somethingnice.
I don't know, a cupcake or Idon't know, whatever that looks
(25:28):
for her.
And I said, I just hope you getto celebrate because you're
doing the best you can.
And she looked at me, she goes,you're right.
I said, yes, you are a wonderfulmama.
And even though she said forher, whatever, that growing up,
being an only child, she wasmessed up.
I think the more I talk to her,as I get to know her more and
(25:48):
hear her story, because messedup could be so interpreted in
different things.
I mean, you know, but I'm justsaying, when you're hearing this
podcast story, I want to let youknow that you are doing the best
you can.
And I hope you don't take, youknow, too, I hope you're not
(26:10):
hard on yourself because you area wonderful person.
I mean, I tell myself, look,there are things that I could do
better.
Like people say, you knowbetter, do better.
Yeah.
And the things that I don'tknow, like, I don't know.
I really don't know about thosesituations.
So once I know and I'm moreaware of it, Okay, then yeah, I
(26:31):
will do better.
But I'm trying not to be socritical of myself.
I really am trying to just be alot kinder and give myself time
to like, okay, that didn't workout.
But whoopsie daisy, now I know,okay, you're doing the best you
can with the time that's given,with the resources you have.
(26:53):
Just breathe because you'reamazing.
and you're learning, and you'regrowing, and you're helping your
child to be the best that theycan be in the season they're at.
I think that's another one,another tip.
All seasons are different, andI'm only at, my child's only
eight years old, so I'm sure afew years from now, I will,
(27:14):
like, this podcast will be like,well, that's interesting.
Well, it could be on this, like,everything's amazing, and the
next minute, my podcast is like,my episode is like, whoa, we're
here.
This is where we are at as amom.
This is where I'm at.
So I just want to say thank youfor listening.
Thank you for supporting andemailing me.
(27:36):
I really do appreciate itbecause you are amazing.
Absolutely amazing.
To my listeners in Australia,Everson Worcestershire, thank
you so much for listening, toOrtega in Connecticut, you're
amazing, Chernobyl, Texas, thankyou, Ocala, Florida, and Amale
(27:57):
Male, thank you, and Alka,Indiana, and also to Redding and
Redding.
I want to say thank you so muchfor supporting, sending, Just
liking and subscribe at thisepisode.
And thank you for also sharingthis.
I appreciate you very much.
This is for your friend with amom with an only child.
(28:17):
Thank you very much.
And remember, you are doing thebest you can with the time and
resources you have.
I will meet you in the nextepisode.
Bye.
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