July 4, 2025 • 26 mins
As a mom of an only child, I’ve often found myself doing things for my 8-year-old daughter that she’s fully capable of doing on her own, like making lunch, getting dressed, or putting away her clothes. In this episode of The Family of One Child, I reflect on what it looks like now that I’m aware of my “helper mode” tendencies, and how I’m learning to gently step back so she can step up.
I also share how reading our period book together sparked even more meaningful conversations, filled with curiosity, honesty, and connection.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in helper mode or wondered how to open sensitive conversations with your child, this episode is for you.
Loved this Family of One episode? Subscribe and leave a 5-star review on your favorite platform! Share with an only-child mom to spread the joy. Your support grows our community!
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✨Get your free Jumpstart Field Trip Template, a simple, joyful tool to help you plan meaningful outings and connect with your child.
Bonus: When you take the quiz, you'll also join the waitlist for my upcoming book, designed to help moms introduce periods with confidence and connection
By Foa Comment. “Spring Children Story” (WeVideo). Contact: joyfulgathersco@hotmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
UNKNOWN (00:00):
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Hi and welcome back.
Okay, so today's topic...
I wanted to talk about, are youin helper mode still?
Because I just realized I'mstill, in some areas, being a
(00:45):
mother of an only child, I'mstill in the helper mode.
Which clearly, in certainthings, I do not need to be
stuck in the helper mode.
For example...
I remember when, I think it waswhen Olivia was five years old,
her and I went to a garden camp.
(01:09):
Now this camp was an overnight,it was a two day camp and there
was one sleepover.
And so there were quite a fewkids and three adults, including
myself.
And come to the evening, youknow, the kids are getting, they
had so many fun activities.
Fun, like they are planting,learning about the garden.
(01:34):
They had a vegetable garden atthe location where we were at.
And so the kids were learningabout the different vegetables
and they picked certainvegetables and they made a salad
and everything.
It was just a really fun camp.
And then the times they had, itwas during the summer.
(01:56):
And so then they had this like awater balloon activity where it
was just amazing.
So during that time, and I wasstill getting Olivia's clothes
ready for her, helping her getdressed.
And hello.
(02:18):
And I mean, hello.
When I came to get dressed inher swimming, you know, gears,
you know, she grabbed herclothes, her swim trunks, her
swimming togs.
And she was like, I don't needyou, ma'am.
I can do it myself.
And I was like, what?
You can do it yourself.
She goes, oh, yeah, ma'am.
(02:38):
Fine.
And she just took off with theother girls because they were
going to the changing rooms.
And she got.
dressed in her togs, in her swimgear.
And then she came out and Ithought, you can do that on your
own?
Since when?
Since when?
Because all this time, I mean, Ihave been helping you get
(03:02):
dressed when it was time forswimming prior to that and other
activities.
When did that happen?
And she just smiled at me.
She's like, I can do it myself.
And then fast forward to othermoments.
So once again, you think I wouldhave learned by now.
Like in other moments, forexample, after having a shower,
(03:25):
I would, yes, give her hertowel, get her clothes ready,
make sure everything is lovely.
And this is just me.
I'm still in helper mode.
And then one, I think it waslike a few days ago, I wasn't
feeling well.
And I was like, okay, you justneed to do it yourself.
And she was like, okay.
So, hello.
(03:46):
Hello.
Now, you're either saying, oh,my goodness, for, come on, my
daughter's a lot younger, andshe could do that herself.
Or you might be thinking, oh, mygoodness, I'm in helper mode,
too.
I've been doing a lot of thingsfor my child.
(04:07):
Or maybe you're like, I don'tknow if they can do that.
UNKNOWN (04:11):
Right?
SPEAKER_00 (04:11):
But clearly, my daughter could do this, and she
was taking advantage of myhelper mode, of my helper mode
button.
So I wanted to talk about that.
I'm wondering, as you'relistening, as your child is
growing up, because I can't talkmore than eight years old
because I only have experiencefrom one to eight, I notice in
(04:35):
different seasons, I'm holdingon to the helper modes where she
can She can really do things forherself.
She can make lunch.
She can make her lunches.
She can get a snack for herself.
She can make toast, even do thelaundry, because I know I've
(04:56):
showed it.
And she can vacuum.
I got her a vacuum, which she'sable to change the vacuum.
We don't have a vacuum.
it's a bagless vacuum.
So I got it.
I took her shopping and I makesure she could, I got to Walmart
and I think it was like, it wasa cheap vacuum, but it was easy
(05:16):
enough for her to, um, undo thecord, plug it in, vacuum, empty
it out.
And then, you know, startvacuuming.
And I recorded that and I putthat on YouTube.
I talked about that.
I think she was like five yearsold.
I was like, Oh my goodness.
And so, um, I sometimes havethese moments and I think I
(05:40):
notice when I really think aboutit, why am I in helper mode?
It's either it's just easierdoing it myself because I'm in a
rush and I want to get it overand done with and I want her to
hurry along to do the nextthing.
Or I'm like, oh, it's justeasier if I do it again because
then I know it's done already.
(06:00):
the way I want to do it.
Like if she's making her lunchand she's going somewhere, I'm
thinking, did you put vegetablesin there?
Do you have some fruit or is itall just candy?
I don't know.
You know, at least I need tosupervise at some point.
But in other situations, I'mlike, how many times have I been
(06:26):
on helper mode?
Because my fault, she's a child,I'm the adult.
How long have I been on helpermode?
And she's taking advantage ofit.
And she's like, yeah, I can doit myself, mommy.
I don't need you.
Or maybe I was thinking, well,you know, she's my only child
(06:47):
and I don't mind being in helpermode sometimes.
I want to feel needed.
And then I was thinking, hang ona minute.
Who else have I been helper modefor?
My husband.
I'm sure there's lots of thingsthat he could do himself.
One day I should get him on hereand I'd be like, hey, maybe I've
(07:08):
been in helper mode too long forthe laundry.
Like you and Olivia can put yourown clothes away.
And he'll probably say, you knowwhat?
I think is that he like heprobably thinks no one puts the
laundry away for some timebecause you take it out of the
(07:31):
you know the dryer and thendepending on my mood I'll just
leave it in the basket and I'llsay okay your clothes are in
there but just dig it out andthen put it back in the basket I
don't know but I'm wondering towith helper mode.
(07:51):
And because I was talking tosome coworkers and they have
multiple children, one of them,and she has multiple
grandchildren.
And so she was saying hereight-year-old and her
six-year-old grandchildren, youknow, they do a lot of things
for themselves.
(08:11):
You know, they're veryindependent.
And I'm thinking, I wonder ifthe dynamics are different.
Like if you have a– I know withme when I was growing up, I had
siblings.
And so my sister that was closerto my age, you know, we're three
years apart.
I have five siblings, but theone who closer to my age when we
were growing up, I just noticedI just followed her and she
(08:35):
helped me do things and theolder ones would look after me.
So they were always there tosupervise the older sister
sibling.
And so I just had, I always hadguidance, but with an only
child, I wonder, I just, becauseI had I always had someone show
(08:57):
me things and do things, beingthe youngest of five siblings.
I just naturally just stay inhelper mode.
Like I just stick with it, eventhough knowing very well she can
do things for herself veryeasily and it's okay and it's
safe for her to do these thingsthat I'm asking her to do.
(09:19):
And so I was thinking, huh, thatwould be good to talk about in
this podcast.
Are you stuck in helper modewith your child?
Or it doesn't bother you?
And sometimes it doesn't botherme.
But in other cases, I'm like,you know what?
Helper mode is really need to, Ineed to pause that button on
(09:40):
helper mode for her.
And because it's good for her toknow how to do these things.
One, promotes health.
Meaning, I tell her, everybodyis contributing and our family,
you know, our family will helpeach other.
We all have our own things.
(10:01):
We all have responsibilities.
And so when we come home, likewe put our dishes in the
dishwasher or in the sink, whenwe finish eating, we say thank
you.
You make your bed.
You do things like that becausethat's part of our family.
We all help each other.
We don't just come in.
You know, it's not a hotel whereyou can– well, I don't know
(10:23):
because, you know, when you goto the hotel, do you put your
towels on the floor for when youfinish using it in a nice pile
or do you just spread it out?
I don't know.
I mean, it's your business.
You're on vacation.
But I'm just saying, yes.
So I just started to notice morethat I need to be aware of of
(10:47):
that helper mode, which is, it'sa good thing.
It's a good character buildingas well.
And then it teaches her to beresponsible as well, which is
great.
And another thing too, I noticedas she's growing and getting
older, when I, I created that,the period book, the mom and
(11:10):
daughter book, icebreaker periodbook and I talked about that in
episode 10 season 3 so thatwasn't too long ago Since then,
and if you're wondering whatperiod book, well, I wanted to
bring up the topic period forher in a gentle way.
(11:32):
I had been looking for a bookfor the longest time, and I say
longest, it's been about atleast three to five months.
For me, that's long.
I've been looking and I went todifferent shops, I looked
online, and I wanted to create aconversation about like a quick
icebreaker.
(11:52):
I didn't want to go into detailabout sex.
I didn't want to go into detailabout the body or what's going
on in detail.
I didn't want to have anycertain graphic images.
I just wanted to introduce it ina gentle, gentle icebreaker way.
So I, you know, I'd been lookingand then I realized, you know
(12:16):
what, I'm just going to create abook for her and I to read
together a short book.
And ever since then, and she'salso, you know, she loves
animals, especially horses.
And so when I created this bookfor her, I had put images of
things that she was interestedin.
So as she was reading, you know,visually she'll be engaged and
(12:40):
she could relate to what wasgoing on.
going on and being saidthroughout the book.
And since reading that book toher or since her reading that
book to me, she has asked morequestions.
And that was the goal.
I mean, we did talk about thebook.
We talked about the period.
(13:01):
We talked about why do we haveperiods.
But it was her, she's askingmore questions about it.
Like, she'll be curious.
I got my period last week.
I know that's a lot of TMI.
Too much information.
Okay.
So, and, you know, I have allthese products, pads, tampons, a
(13:26):
variety of products in my drawerin the bathroom.
And she goes, oh, mom, you know.
are these, what are thesecalled?
And she goes, are these tampons?
And I said, yeah.
And she was like, okay, so whatabout pads?
And then she sees the differentsizes that I have.
And so she's asking me questionsabout these products.
(13:48):
And I really enjoyed thatbecause she engaged with me
first.
She knew me.
Like when I said, oh, I got myperiod, she goes, oh, blood's
coming out of you.
Okay, she didn't say it likethat.
But she's like, oh, yeah, mom.
Are you okay?
Do you need a nap?
Because, you know, in the book Isaid, you might need a nap
because I could relate to nap.
(14:10):
Or you might get a sore tummy ora little bit of headache.
So she asked me if I was okay.
And so that's what I love aboutit.
And then I open up to otherquestions about, you know, the
body.
And that was the goal.
I want her to, and I, to have anopen conversation.
And it's a continued openconversation.
(14:33):
And isn't that great?
When your daughter is coming toyou and they're, I mean, because
look, there's lots of influencesout there.
There's, you know, you've gotyour friends, right?
They have their friends andthey've got the YouTube.
And if you're not on YouTube, Imean, they've got books.
(14:53):
I mean, just a lot of, you know,things available for them.
But for me, I just wanted Oliviato at least be considered to be
her number one, her and herfather to come and ask for these
questions and it to be an open,continued question.
(15:15):
I mean, an open conversation.
So I so enjoyed her askingquestions.
And now I can say, oh, mommy'sgot her period.
Because, you know, before thebook, I didn't tell her when I
had my period.
And maybe you're listening tothis, you're thinking, you know,
I'm way ahead of you.
I talked about my period when mydaughter was, you know, before
(15:37):
she was eight.
And that is awesome.
But for me, I just wanted to...
For me, it just felt right forme to create a book for her.
And the good news is I havecreated a generic version of
this book.
So if you are interested and yousaid, huh, you created a generic
(16:03):
version, I would love to seewhat that looks like.
I'm curious.
You know, I put my hands up,like hands up.
Yeah, that's me.
I will put a link at the bottom,and so you can just answer a few
questions and see if this is foryou or not, but that would be
wonderful.
And then so with other topics aswell, I'm going to be writing.
(16:26):
Since she asked a lot ofquestions about the body,
different parts, why is this,why is that, and then I was
talking to another friend, andshe was like, man, my body,
daughters are teenagers now thiswould have been good for me back
then because I didn't I didn'tknow what else to say and she
bought a book online that wasmore detailed but she said this
(16:49):
would have been good for her andthen I talked to other I talked
to grandparents I mean my momdid the best she can with the
resources that was given I don'tthink she even you know
mentioned the word period untilI was an adult oh probably
probably When I was at leastlike 15 or 16, so I wasn't an
(17:09):
adult.
But other topics related tothat, we didn't talk about it.
It's just the way that she feltcomfortable.
So that's why I wanted to createthese icebreaker books for those
moms that are just like me.
You know, we just need a littlebit of guidance, just a little
(17:31):
bit of a gentle nudge in thedirection that we want to go and
take this conversation.
And the rest, it's fine.
So if you're like me andthinking, I think that might be
me.
That sounds interesting.
I want to just go to the link.
Or maybe you're like, I'm good.
It's all good.
(17:53):
So getting back, getting back tothe Harper mode, what I was
thinking as well, you know, itfrees up more time for me to do
other things.
For example, now that I know andI'm being more aware of she can
do this, like she can getherself dressed.
(18:14):
She can pick your own clothes.
She can brush your hair.
And, you know, I guess the firsttime, the first time where she
could, like, she didn't need meto comb her hair anymore.
Every now and then she'll say,can you comb my hair?
But I've noticed now there arejust some things that she's
like, I can do it myself.
I think that first time I waslike, oh, she's growing up too
(18:38):
quick.
She won't need me anymore.
I'm like, maybe like, I'm happy,but I'm sad.
I'm wondering if you feel likethat too.
You're like, nope, I celebrated.
I moved on with other things.
But this is what I noticed.
As I'm starting to let go of theHarper mode, I don't know, maybe
(19:02):
I'll come up with another namefor it, but the Harper mode, I'm
open to having otherconversations of things that
Maybe she'll need my input in,for example.
I notice with certain, shereally enjoys different perfumes
and lip gloss, and she'll knowthe brand.
(19:23):
Like, we'll go to differentshops, and she'll be like, oh,
mom, this is so-and-so, and thissmells really good.
You should try that.
Now, me, I was not into makeupthat much.
My makeup...
probably just only consisted ofa lip balm or maybe just a
Vaseline or just a lipstick butit was always someone else's
(19:47):
lipstick it's not that I wentout of my way as a Well, maybe I
think I did.
I use makeup because my sisterswere good at putting mascara on.
They're real good putting makeupon.
So I just use their makeup.
Or if they did makeup, I wouldask them, can you put my makeup
on?
Because they knew how to applyit.
(20:09):
But it wasn't something I wouldgo out of my way to purchase and
learn about it.
I mean, I remember one time, ohmy goodness, a few years ago.
Well, actually, this is waybefore.
So it must have been before Ihad Olivia, nine years ago.
I tried to put fake eyelashes onmy eye.
(20:29):
I Googled it.
I went on YouTube.
And this is how ridiculous itwas.
I put one eyelash on my eye forone hour.
And then I tried to do the otherone for the other.
That was two hours each.
And the result was not good.
I mean, I'm so glad I can stillopen my eyes up to it today.
(20:51):
I don't know if I had the...
I don't know what I was doing tothe globe, but I was sweating.
And I was like, this is takinglike one hour to do one eye.
And then I got to do the othereye.
Like, oh my goodness, I just donot have time.
And then I remembered, I didn'tknow the different types of
eyelashes.
(21:11):
Even though there was plenty ofinformation, I'm sure, at that
time about different eyelashes,you can Google.
I mean, you can go on YouTube.
Well, I think I finally gotsomeone else.
I got my niece to put eyelasheson my eyes.
But hello, I wear glasses.
And so when she put them on, andthey were way too long for me.
(21:32):
At the time, I didn't know.
And then I put my glasses on.
I...
it touched the lens.
And so either I couldn't blinkbecause it was just like, oh my
goodness, it's like right upthere, or I had to take my
glasses off.
Well, when I took my glassesoff, I couldn't see a thing, but
my eyelashes look really nice.
(21:53):
So I took those eyelashes off.
So what's the point of thisconversation?
The point is, is that I'mlearning a lot as my child is
growing up.
And I hope you are too.
In the different seasons and thedifferent conversations and the
interests, I'm starting tolearn.
Okay, so Olivia doesn't put oneyelashes, thank goodness,
(22:15):
because that is just not meright now.
Learning about different, youknow, the perfume brands.
I mean, right now we're goingthrough I don't know what it's
called, the different numbers.
There's a 48, 68, 75.
I mean, I don't know.
I just spray it because it'sreally nice.
And then people compliment meand they say, oh, you smell
nice.
And I think, thank you.
(22:35):
But my daughter pricks theperfumes because she has a good
sense for makeup and smells.
Or she'll shout at me, mom, thislip gloss is really nice.
I'm like, oh, this is reallynice.
And the color or the blush.
I mean...
hello, I feel like I'm ateenager again.
And I wonder with your childbeing of this age and there's
(22:59):
things that you didn't do, butyour child is teaching you
things.
She teaches me a lot about thejust different brands, honestly,
and it's hilarious.
So I love it.
So we buy it, we share it.
And I just think it's so, sofunny.
So I hope that encourages youto, There are three things.
(23:21):
One, you are still learningabout your child and the
different seasons and have funwith it.
Two, if you're still in helpermode and you want to say and
you're thinking, you know what?
I think my child is able to dothis.
I don't need to be in helpermode.
I don't need to be stuck inthere.
(23:41):
How about I have a go at it?
Let them do it depending on whatit is and it's safe.
Like, yeah, they can do that bythemselves with success.
And, you know, you give them thetime that they need.
Wonderful.
And then three, with the book,if you're interested and you
(24:02):
want to know more about thegeneric period book, I'm going
to call them mom and daughtericebreakers.
Once again, go to the link andcheck it out, fill out the
questions.
And so I just want to say, youare doing the best you can with
the time that's given, with theresources you have.
(24:22):
I tell you what, I told myselfthat with someone else today as
well.
I say, look, I am doing the bestI can because when I think about
my parents, And even though Ihad siblings, I had to remind
myself they did the best theycould with the resources they
(24:44):
had in the community that theywere, you know, in with, you
know, what was going on.
So, so are you.
It's a lot for, and depending onwhat season you are, you could
be in the toddler season or theteenage or just like me, I
didn't even know what theeight-year-old was.
They're not really twins, arethey?
(25:06):
I don't know.
But maybe you've had a lot ofsleep.
Maybe you have had none today.
But I just want to say thank youvery much for listening.
I mean, I appreciate it.
So I just want to give a shoutout to my listeners who are
listening to the last episode.
Uh, thank you so much forsupporting my channel, the
(25:28):
family of one podcast to, uh, mylistener in Connecticut and
Watego and my listener inMaldives and Male Male.
I just want to say thank you somuch.
Uh, I'll give a shout out to youtoo, uh, for listening to the
last episode, uh, And also tothe other listeners, if you're
(25:51):
listening after I record this,thank you so much.
And so if you were interested,wanting to send me an email
please send an email atjoyforgathers at hotmail.com
that's joyforgathers athotmail.com and I would love to
reply back or you can just sendme a text through this the
(26:15):
BuzzFeed fan mail just send me atext thank you again you are
amazing and you're doing thebest you can with the time
that's given with the resourcesyou have take care this is for
your friend, and I'll meet youin the next episode.
Bye.
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Hi amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Hi and welcome back.
Okay, so today's topic...
I wanted to talk about, are youin helper mode still?
Because I just realized I'mstill, in some areas, being a
(00:45):
mother of an only child, I'mstill in the helper mode.
Which clearly, in certainthings, I do not need to be
stuck in the helper mode.
For example...
I remember when, I think it waswhen Olivia was five years old,
her and I went to a garden camp.
(01:09):
Now this camp was an overnight,it was a two day camp and there
was one sleepover.
And so there were quite a fewkids and three adults, including
myself.
And come to the evening, youknow, the kids are getting, they
had so many fun activities.
Fun, like they are planting,learning about the garden.
(01:34):
They had a vegetable garden atthe location where we were at.
And so the kids were learningabout the different vegetables
and they picked certainvegetables and they made a salad
and everything.
It was just a really fun camp.
And then the times they had, itwas during the summer.
(01:56):
And so then they had this like awater balloon activity where it
was just amazing.
So during that time, and I wasstill getting Olivia's clothes
ready for her, helping her getdressed.
And hello.
(02:18):
And I mean, hello.
When I came to get dressed inher swimming, you know, gears,
you know, she grabbed herclothes, her swim trunks, her
swimming togs.
And she was like, I don't needyou, ma'am.
I can do it myself.
And I was like, what?
You can do it yourself.
She goes, oh, yeah, ma'am.
(02:38):
Fine.
And she just took off with theother girls because they were
going to the changing rooms.
And she got.
dressed in her togs, in her swimgear.
And then she came out and Ithought, you can do that on your
own?
Since when?
Since when?
Because all this time, I mean, Ihave been helping you get
(03:02):
dressed when it was time forswimming prior to that and other
activities.
When did that happen?
And she just smiled at me.
She's like, I can do it myself.
And then fast forward to othermoments.
So once again, you think I wouldhave learned by now.
Like in other moments, forexample, after having a shower,
(03:25):
I would, yes, give her hertowel, get her clothes ready,
make sure everything is lovely.
And this is just me.
I'm still in helper mode.
And then one, I think it waslike a few days ago, I wasn't
feeling well.
And I was like, okay, you justneed to do it yourself.
And she was like, okay.
So, hello.
(03:46):
Hello.
Now, you're either saying, oh,my goodness, for, come on, my
daughter's a lot younger, andshe could do that herself.
Or you might be thinking, oh, mygoodness, I'm in helper mode,
too.
I've been doing a lot of thingsfor my child.
(04:07):
Or maybe you're like, I don'tknow if they can do that.
UNKNOWN (04:11):
Right?
SPEAKER_00 (04:11):
But clearly, my daughter could do this, and she
was taking advantage of myhelper mode, of my helper mode
button.
So I wanted to talk about that.
I'm wondering, as you'relistening, as your child is
growing up, because I can't talkmore than eight years old
because I only have experiencefrom one to eight, I notice in
(04:35):
different seasons, I'm holdingon to the helper modes where she
can She can really do things forherself.
She can make lunch.
She can make her lunches.
She can get a snack for herself.
She can make toast, even do thelaundry, because I know I've
(04:56):
showed it.
And she can vacuum.
I got her a vacuum, which she'sable to change the vacuum.
We don't have a vacuum.
it's a bagless vacuum.
So I got it.
I took her shopping and I makesure she could, I got to Walmart
and I think it was like, it wasa cheap vacuum, but it was easy
(05:16):
enough for her to, um, undo thecord, plug it in, vacuum, empty
it out.
And then, you know, startvacuuming.
And I recorded that and I putthat on YouTube.
I talked about that.
I think she was like five yearsold.
I was like, Oh my goodness.
And so, um, I sometimes havethese moments and I think I
(05:40):
notice when I really think aboutit, why am I in helper mode?
It's either it's just easierdoing it myself because I'm in a
rush and I want to get it overand done with and I want her to
hurry along to do the nextthing.
Or I'm like, oh, it's justeasier if I do it again because
then I know it's done already.
(06:00):
the way I want to do it.
Like if she's making her lunchand she's going somewhere, I'm
thinking, did you put vegetablesin there?
Do you have some fruit or is itall just candy?
I don't know.
You know, at least I need tosupervise at some point.
But in other situations, I'mlike, how many times have I been
(06:26):
on helper mode?
Because my fault, she's a child,I'm the adult.
How long have I been on helpermode?
And she's taking advantage ofit.
And she's like, yeah, I can doit myself, mommy.
I don't need you.
Or maybe I was thinking, well,you know, she's my only child
(06:47):
and I don't mind being in helpermode sometimes.
I want to feel needed.
And then I was thinking, hang ona minute.
Who else have I been helper modefor?
My husband.
I'm sure there's lots of thingsthat he could do himself.
One day I should get him on hereand I'd be like, hey, maybe I've
(07:08):
been in helper mode too long forthe laundry.
Like you and Olivia can put yourown clothes away.
And he'll probably say, you knowwhat?
I think is that he like heprobably thinks no one puts the
laundry away for some timebecause you take it out of the
(07:31):
you know the dryer and thendepending on my mood I'll just
leave it in the basket and I'llsay okay your clothes are in
there but just dig it out andthen put it back in the basket I
don't know but I'm wondering towith helper mode.
(07:51):
And because I was talking tosome coworkers and they have
multiple children, one of them,and she has multiple
grandchildren.
And so she was saying hereight-year-old and her
six-year-old grandchildren, youknow, they do a lot of things
for themselves.
(08:11):
You know, they're veryindependent.
And I'm thinking, I wonder ifthe dynamics are different.
Like if you have a– I know withme when I was growing up, I had
siblings.
And so my sister that was closerto my age, you know, we're three
years apart.
I have five siblings, but theone who closer to my age when we
were growing up, I just noticedI just followed her and she
(08:35):
helped me do things and theolder ones would look after me.
So they were always there tosupervise the older sister
sibling.
And so I just had, I always hadguidance, but with an only
child, I wonder, I just, becauseI had I always had someone show
(08:57):
me things and do things, beingthe youngest of five siblings.
I just naturally just stay inhelper mode.
Like I just stick with it, eventhough knowing very well she can
do things for herself veryeasily and it's okay and it's
safe for her to do these thingsthat I'm asking her to do.
(09:19):
And so I was thinking, huh, thatwould be good to talk about in
this podcast.
Are you stuck in helper modewith your child?
Or it doesn't bother you?
And sometimes it doesn't botherme.
But in other cases, I'm like,you know what?
Helper mode is really need to, Ineed to pause that button on
(09:40):
helper mode for her.
And because it's good for her toknow how to do these things.
One, promotes health.
Meaning, I tell her, everybodyis contributing and our family,
you know, our family will helpeach other.
We all have our own things.
(10:01):
We all have responsibilities.
And so when we come home, likewe put our dishes in the
dishwasher or in the sink, whenwe finish eating, we say thank
you.
You make your bed.
You do things like that becausethat's part of our family.
We all help each other.
We don't just come in.
You know, it's not a hotel whereyou can– well, I don't know
(10:23):
because, you know, when you goto the hotel, do you put your
towels on the floor for when youfinish using it in a nice pile
or do you just spread it out?
I don't know.
I mean, it's your business.
You're on vacation.
But I'm just saying, yes.
So I just started to notice morethat I need to be aware of of
(10:47):
that helper mode, which is, it'sa good thing.
It's a good character buildingas well.
And then it teaches her to beresponsible as well, which is
great.
And another thing too, I noticedas she's growing and getting
older, when I, I created that,the period book, the mom and
(11:10):
daughter book, icebreaker periodbook and I talked about that in
episode 10 season 3 so thatwasn't too long ago Since then,
and if you're wondering whatperiod book, well, I wanted to
bring up the topic period forher in a gentle way.
(11:32):
I had been looking for a bookfor the longest time, and I say
longest, it's been about atleast three to five months.
For me, that's long.
I've been looking and I went todifferent shops, I looked
online, and I wanted to create aconversation about like a quick
icebreaker.
(11:52):
I didn't want to go into detailabout sex.
I didn't want to go into detailabout the body or what's going
on in detail.
I didn't want to have anycertain graphic images.
I just wanted to introduce it ina gentle, gentle icebreaker way.
So I, you know, I'd been lookingand then I realized, you know
(12:16):
what, I'm just going to create abook for her and I to read
together a short book.
And ever since then, and she'salso, you know, she loves
animals, especially horses.
And so when I created this bookfor her, I had put images of
things that she was interestedin.
So as she was reading, you know,visually she'll be engaged and
(12:40):
she could relate to what wasgoing on.
going on and being saidthroughout the book.
And since reading that book toher or since her reading that
book to me, she has asked morequestions.
And that was the goal.
I mean, we did talk about thebook.
We talked about the period.
(13:01):
We talked about why do we haveperiods.
But it was her, she's askingmore questions about it.
Like, she'll be curious.
I got my period last week.
I know that's a lot of TMI.
Too much information.
Okay.
So, and, you know, I have allthese products, pads, tampons, a
(13:26):
variety of products in my drawerin the bathroom.
And she goes, oh, mom, you know.
are these, what are thesecalled?
And she goes, are these tampons?
And I said, yeah.
And she was like, okay, so whatabout pads?
And then she sees the differentsizes that I have.
And so she's asking me questionsabout these products.
(13:48):
And I really enjoyed thatbecause she engaged with me
first.
She knew me.
Like when I said, oh, I got myperiod, she goes, oh, blood's
coming out of you.
Okay, she didn't say it likethat.
But she's like, oh, yeah, mom.
Are you okay?
Do you need a nap?
Because, you know, in the book Isaid, you might need a nap
because I could relate to nap.
(14:10):
Or you might get a sore tummy ora little bit of headache.
So she asked me if I was okay.
And so that's what I love aboutit.
And then I open up to otherquestions about, you know, the
body.
And that was the goal.
I want her to, and I, to have anopen conversation.
And it's a continued openconversation.
(14:33):
And isn't that great?
When your daughter is coming toyou and they're, I mean, because
look, there's lots of influencesout there.
There's, you know, you've gotyour friends, right?
They have their friends andthey've got the YouTube.
And if you're not on YouTube, Imean, they've got books.
(14:53):
I mean, just a lot of, you know,things available for them.
But for me, I just wanted Oliviato at least be considered to be
her number one, her and herfather to come and ask for these
questions and it to be an open,continued question.
(15:15):
I mean, an open conversation.
So I so enjoyed her askingquestions.
And now I can say, oh, mommy'sgot her period.
Because, you know, before thebook, I didn't tell her when I
had my period.
And maybe you're listening tothis, you're thinking, you know,
I'm way ahead of you.
I talked about my period when mydaughter was, you know, before
(15:37):
she was eight.
And that is awesome.
But for me, I just wanted to...
For me, it just felt right forme to create a book for her.
And the good news is I havecreated a generic version of
this book.
So if you are interested and yousaid, huh, you created a generic
(16:03):
version, I would love to seewhat that looks like.
I'm curious.
You know, I put my hands up,like hands up.
Yeah, that's me.
I will put a link at the bottom,and so you can just answer a few
questions and see if this is foryou or not, but that would be
wonderful.
And then so with other topics aswell, I'm going to be writing.
(16:26):
Since she asked a lot ofquestions about the body,
different parts, why is this,why is that, and then I was
talking to another friend, andshe was like, man, my body,
daughters are teenagers now thiswould have been good for me back
then because I didn't I didn'tknow what else to say and she
bought a book online that wasmore detailed but she said this
(16:49):
would have been good for her andthen I talked to other I talked
to grandparents I mean my momdid the best she can with the
resources that was given I don'tthink she even you know
mentioned the word period untilI was an adult oh probably
probably When I was at leastlike 15 or 16, so I wasn't an
(17:09):
adult.
But other topics related tothat, we didn't talk about it.
It's just the way that she feltcomfortable.
So that's why I wanted to createthese icebreaker books for those
moms that are just like me.
You know, we just need a littlebit of guidance, just a little
(17:31):
bit of a gentle nudge in thedirection that we want to go and
take this conversation.
And the rest, it's fine.
So if you're like me andthinking, I think that might be
me.
That sounds interesting.
I want to just go to the link.
Or maybe you're like, I'm good.
It's all good.
(17:53):
So getting back, getting back tothe Harper mode, what I was
thinking as well, you know, itfrees up more time for me to do
other things.
For example, now that I know andI'm being more aware of she can
do this, like she can getherself dressed.
(18:14):
She can pick your own clothes.
She can brush your hair.
And, you know, I guess the firsttime, the first time where she
could, like, she didn't need meto comb her hair anymore.
Every now and then she'll say,can you comb my hair?
But I've noticed now there arejust some things that she's
like, I can do it myself.
I think that first time I waslike, oh, she's growing up too
(18:38):
quick.
She won't need me anymore.
I'm like, maybe like, I'm happy,but I'm sad.
I'm wondering if you feel likethat too.
You're like, nope, I celebrated.
I moved on with other things.
But this is what I noticed.
As I'm starting to let go of theHarper mode, I don't know, maybe
(19:02):
I'll come up with another namefor it, but the Harper mode, I'm
open to having otherconversations of things that
Maybe she'll need my input in,for example.
I notice with certain, shereally enjoys different perfumes
and lip gloss, and she'll knowthe brand.
(19:23):
Like, we'll go to differentshops, and she'll be like, oh,
mom, this is so-and-so, and thissmells really good.
You should try that.
Now, me, I was not into makeupthat much.
My makeup...
probably just only consisted ofa lip balm or maybe just a
Vaseline or just a lipstick butit was always someone else's
(19:47):
lipstick it's not that I wentout of my way as a Well, maybe I
think I did.
I use makeup because my sisterswere good at putting mascara on.
They're real good putting makeupon.
So I just use their makeup.
Or if they did makeup, I wouldask them, can you put my makeup
on?
Because they knew how to applyit.
(20:09):
But it wasn't something I wouldgo out of my way to purchase and
learn about it.
I mean, I remember one time, ohmy goodness, a few years ago.
Well, actually, this is waybefore.
So it must have been before Ihad Olivia, nine years ago.
I tried to put fake eyelashes onmy eye.
(20:29):
I Googled it.
I went on YouTube.
And this is how ridiculous itwas.
I put one eyelash on my eye forone hour.
And then I tried to do the otherone for the other.
That was two hours each.
And the result was not good.
I mean, I'm so glad I can stillopen my eyes up to it today.
(20:51):
I don't know if I had the...
I don't know what I was doing tothe globe, but I was sweating.
And I was like, this is takinglike one hour to do one eye.
And then I got to do the othereye.
Like, oh my goodness, I just donot have time.
And then I remembered, I didn'tknow the different types of
eyelashes.
(21:11):
Even though there was plenty ofinformation, I'm sure, at that
time about different eyelashes,you can Google.
I mean, you can go on YouTube.
Well, I think I finally gotsomeone else.
I got my niece to put eyelasheson my eyes.
But hello, I wear glasses.
And so when she put them on, andthey were way too long for me.
(21:32):
At the time, I didn't know.
And then I put my glasses on.
I...
it touched the lens.
And so either I couldn't blinkbecause it was just like, oh my
goodness, it's like right upthere, or I had to take my
glasses off.
Well, when I took my glassesoff, I couldn't see a thing, but
my eyelashes look really nice.
(21:53):
So I took those eyelashes off.
So what's the point of thisconversation?
The point is, is that I'mlearning a lot as my child is
growing up.
And I hope you are too.
In the different seasons and thedifferent conversations and the
interests, I'm starting tolearn.
Okay, so Olivia doesn't put oneyelashes, thank goodness,
(22:15):
because that is just not meright now.
Learning about different, youknow, the perfume brands.
I mean, right now we're goingthrough I don't know what it's
called, the different numbers.
There's a 48, 68, 75.
I mean, I don't know.
I just spray it because it'sreally nice.
And then people compliment meand they say, oh, you smell
nice.
And I think, thank you.
(22:35):
But my daughter pricks theperfumes because she has a good
sense for makeup and smells.
Or she'll shout at me, mom, thislip gloss is really nice.
I'm like, oh, this is reallynice.
And the color or the blush.
I mean...
hello, I feel like I'm ateenager again.
And I wonder with your childbeing of this age and there's
(22:59):
things that you didn't do, butyour child is teaching you
things.
She teaches me a lot about thejust different brands, honestly,
and it's hilarious.
So I love it.
So we buy it, we share it.
And I just think it's so, sofunny.
So I hope that encourages youto, There are three things.
(23:21):
One, you are still learningabout your child and the
different seasons and have funwith it.
Two, if you're still in helpermode and you want to say and
you're thinking, you know what?
I think my child is able to dothis.
I don't need to be in helpermode.
I don't need to be stuck inthere.
(23:41):
How about I have a go at it?
Let them do it depending on whatit is and it's safe.
Like, yeah, they can do that bythemselves with success.
And, you know, you give them thetime that they need.
Wonderful.
And then three, with the book,if you're interested and you
(24:02):
want to know more about thegeneric period book, I'm going
to call them mom and daughtericebreakers.
Once again, go to the link andcheck it out, fill out the
questions.
And so I just want to say, youare doing the best you can with
the time that's given, with theresources you have.
(24:22):
I tell you what, I told myselfthat with someone else today as
well.
I say, look, I am doing the bestI can because when I think about
my parents, And even though Ihad siblings, I had to remind
myself they did the best theycould with the resources they
(24:44):
had in the community that theywere, you know, in with, you
know, what was going on.
So, so are you.
It's a lot for, and depending onwhat season you are, you could
be in the toddler season or theteenage or just like me, I
didn't even know what theeight-year-old was.
They're not really twins, arethey?
(25:06):
I don't know.
But maybe you've had a lot ofsleep.
Maybe you have had none today.
But I just want to say thank youvery much for listening.
I mean, I appreciate it.
So I just want to give a shoutout to my listeners who are
listening to the last episode.
Uh, thank you so much forsupporting my channel, the
(25:28):
family of one podcast to, uh, mylistener in Connecticut and
Watego and my listener inMaldives and Male Male.
I just want to say thank you somuch.
Uh, I'll give a shout out to youtoo, uh, for listening to the
last episode, uh, And also tothe other listeners, if you're
(25:51):
listening after I record this,thank you so much.
And so if you were interested,wanting to send me an email
please send an email atjoyforgathers at hotmail.com
that's joyforgathers athotmail.com and I would love to
reply back or you can just sendme a text through this the
(26:15):
BuzzFeed fan mail just send me atext thank you again you are
amazing and you're doing thebest you can with the time
that's given with the resourcesyou have take care this is for
your friend, and I'll meet youin the next episode.
Bye.
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