June 18, 2025 • 30 mins
Dive into episode 16 of The Family of One Podcast! I share how I reframed the "terrible twos" as the "terrific twos," discovering patience within myself during my child's toddler tantrums. With my sister’s support and encouragement, I found a better way to discipline, learned to say no, and realized the value of key people, like close family members, I could visit for help. I also explore how I learned to have heart conversations with myself during these moments. Tune in for love, laughter, and mom wisdom!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
UNKNOWN (00:00):
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Welcome back.
Now this episode I'm going totalk about toddler's tantrums.
I feel like I need a drum rollwhen I say that.
Toddler's tantrums and findingyour peace or finding your
(00:45):
patience during those moments.
Now I have to say when Oliviajoined those stages, you may
have heard the saying, Is it theterrible twos?
I did not experience thatbecause I told myself, I am not
going to experience it.
(01:07):
When she was two, I changed it.
And I would say these, I didn'tsay terrible twos.
I say terrific twos or wonderfultwos.
Twos are my best year to learnabout myself, best year to learn
about herself.
And so I didn't, I didn't gothrough that stage experiencing
(01:33):
it.
Now, it's all relative becauseI'm sure if you were asked, my
sister, my grandmother, myhusband, you would find me
crying in the middle, crying.
At some point, maybe...
I was tired once again.
Maybe I was overwhelmed.
But during those times, what Ilearned about myself was
(01:57):
communication.
Because I remember, okay, so...
I think, okay, I started doingtimeout.
Timeout for us, you're like,what's a timeout?
Because everybody's definitionof timing out is different.
Your interpretation.
For us, we use timeout where shewould sit because we have a
(02:21):
bi-level.
So she would sit on the stepsand I would be like an arm's
length away from her.
If I asked her to...
Cause she's two, two or three.
Like if she wanted something andI asked her to say please, or
ask her to wait, or I'm tryingto not have an instant
(02:43):
gratification.
And boy, I was good at that.
I mean, my daughter would likecry and make a noise.
And mommy was there or I need a,I need a drink.
Oh, what do you need?
Do you need food?
I'll hold you.
I mean, I don't think I reallyallowed her to use the words
(03:07):
because, I mean, that's extreme.
And so I started seeingbehaviors where she would make a
noise and I'll come running,right?
Or my husband and I would belike, oh no, we would have to...
We literally jumped toeverything that she wanted.
(03:31):
And I tell you, I'm sure you'relaughing right now because
you're like, I cannot believeyou're the mom.
I was.
And then I got tired.
And then I got exhausted.
And then I called my sister andsaid, hey, I think there's
something wrong with herbecause...
(03:52):
Everything that she wants, Igive it to her.
And she's not being thankful.
And I'll explain that situation.
My sister, she's so good.
She'll be like, okay, let'sprocess through.
Because right now you're crying.
And she'll be like, where'sOlivia?
(04:12):
I'm like, oh, she's right nextto me.
And she's happy.
But I can't understand why I'mso tired and I'm crying.
And so I was, and then I wouldsay, she's not listening.
I'll tell her, pick up your toyor just wait on a minute and
she'll make a noise.
And then I'll be like, oh no,I'm feeling like the worst mom
(04:36):
ever.
Cause she's making that.
I think I'll have to bring mysister along because she, she
gave me such good advice and I'mlaughing about it now, but I
didn't realize how much I taughtmy daughter those behaviors.
(04:59):
And so because I was jumping andshe could just point and make a
noise, I would like doeverything as much as I could
without like, hold on a minute,let's just back it up a bit.
UNKNOWN (05:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (05:19):
Let's back this bus up and see what is going on.
So my sister helped me toprocess that.
So we came up with a solutionthat worked for all of us and me
to be like, I'm the parent andshe's the child.
And it's okay for her to wait.
And it's okay because she's in asafe place.
(05:42):
If I say not to hold on aminute, let me finish my cup of
tea or I'm on the phone.
You can go and get your toy or Icannot play with you right now.
Like, just acceptable things.
It's not life-threateningthings.
But wait and teach her to wait.
(06:02):
And I had to learn about myself.
It's okay to say no.
It's okay to, like, I had tounpack why I was feeling bad.
Why I couldn't say no to her andmy sister.
I tell you what, she will beavailable.
She has counseled many people.
(06:23):
Eventually, we will get her onand you guys can ask questions
through our emails if you'rejust wanting to unpack.
She is such an amazing unpacker.
I'm a process person.
She helps you like line all thedots and help you just frame
what you're going through andthe reasons why.
(06:45):
And she's a great listener.
So having her with me, I had topractice even just saying the
word N-O.
And if you looked at my outsideof being a parent in other
areas, I didn't say no.
(07:07):
to many things, like boundaries.
I said yes to a lot of things,which was making me tired before
I had Olivia.
So I just brought all of thatstuff into parenting.
I mean, I'm great at otherthings, but I was just learning
more about myself, and that'swhat I love about my daughter.
(07:29):
So one of those things I learnedthat worked for our family is
that When she needed a timeout,we would sit her on the steps
and I'll be at an arm's length.
And then depending on what thesituation was, she could be on
the steps for like 10 seconds,20 seconds or more.
(07:54):
I don't know what would beextreme for us for her to be on
there for two minutes becauseshe didn't really.
But it got so funny.
I got so used to it.
And she did not like sitting onthe step.
I mean, at first she was astruggle.
She was like, why am I sittingon the step?
It was hilarious.
She got so used to it after awhile because I started timing
(08:16):
her out a bit too much.
She'd be like, time out.
UNKNOWN (08:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (08:22):
And I didn't even reason why, like why she's
having a timeout.
I was like, this timeout isgreat.
And then I was telling mysister, she was like, oh, we'll
call each other.
So where's Olivia?
She's timeout.
And then I'll tell her why.
And then she started hearingthat I timeout her a lot.
(08:45):
Like I started timing her.
So much Olivia would like, Iwould tell her, hey, do not fall
out.
Fall asleep.
Do not lie down.
I want you to sit up straight.
Because now Olivia's enjoying tohave time out.
She's like, oh, I get to havequiet time.
Do not do anything.
After a while, she's like,mommy's going to time me out for
(09:07):
anything.
And it was so hilarious now thatI think about it.
So when I talked to my sister,she gave me such good advice.
She said, for me, I want to...
discipline her and the wayyou're using time out, but I
don't want to break her spirit.
Like you, you discipline, youteach them out of love.
(09:29):
You're doing the action in love.
You're not angry when you'redoing it.
You're doing this.
And like you come across in acalm as best as you can.
There's going to be momentswhere I think I'm not yelling,
but yes, Olivia, now she saysyou're yelling.
And I'm like, this is notyelling that there's
interpretation for you.
(09:50):
And so having another adult andjust like she, when I would time
out Olivia, I think there wasone time where I would call my
sister again and I said, hey, Iwant to time her out for this.
And this is what my process ofthought is.
Like, am I in the right space?
(10:11):
Is this right?
You're thinking, oh my goodness,are you extreme or wow?
Or you might be saying, I don'thave another friend to call.
Like you're saying about yoursister and I get it, but I was
just saying for me, what Ilearned during these times,
during these tantrums is that Ihad to understand just with my
(10:34):
sister's help, what is shetrying to communicate to me
through the noise?
What am I missing?
Can I hear her heart?
Is my heart open to receive whatshe's trying to say?
Because right now she doesn'thave all her words.
Yes, she's using words as inthrough crying, through body
(10:57):
language.
Maybe she was kicking.
She doesn't.
But she's frustrated.
What is she frustrated about?
And I really had to slow myselfdown.
I mean, slow myself down like,okay, hold on a minute.
Just take a breather.
What's really going on?
Am I frustrated because am Imore tired once again?
Or am I more embarrassed becausewe're at a public place and
(11:21):
people might judge me becausenow she's upset and she's crying
really loud and she's notlistening.
So I really had to...
really learn to walk thatthrough some days were good
right and some days are betteras I got like using that process
(11:44):
for me so I started to noticewhen I was more aware when she
was frustrated and she is tryingto find the words or trying to
like point to something orsaying like she's tired she's
And I know she's tired, but shedoesn't have a nap.
(12:04):
Or she's hungry, but she'stired.
Or she has a sore tummy.
Or she's just missing herfather.
Or she's missing me.
I was like, oh my goodness,trying to understand her to
understand me to go through thisprocess.
What a hot mess.
(12:24):
Can't I just time her out?
And my sister, she's only like,you could.
But, you know, you want to learnabout her more now and walk
through this process as you'relearning more about yourself.
And so it had made me goingthrough those moments when she
(12:45):
was, you know, a toddler reallyhelped me to understand, huh, I
wonder if because I do this withher, do I do this with my
husband?
When he's annoyed, what's reallygoing on?
Is he annoyed because one, did Ido it?
(13:05):
Did he do it?
What are the other factorsinvolved?
I'm trying to really seedifferent perspectives.
Now with Olivia, because I putthat time in, I started to
notice I didn't give her timeout Really wasn't a thing.
(13:27):
Like there was less time out.
And then I would give herchoices.
Now you know your child.
For Olivia.
Her.
It was either.
You have a choice.
If I was asking her to pick upher toy.
I say you can pick up your toy.
Or.
You can do this.
(13:48):
Like I will.
For example.
We won't.
I don't know.
You won't have dessert, forexample, something like that.
I always try and match the, whatdo you call it, the
consequences.
I mean, I wouldn't do, like, tothe situation.
(14:09):
Like, I don't want to go, like,try and make sure it fit the
situation.
So I had to learn that too.
What is...
At that stage, when she was twoor three, I wish she could
understand it as best as shecould.
And then after doing that, talkcalmly to her why, even though
(14:36):
she may not understand it.
But trying to let her see that,yes, mummy is not happy right
now because I'm trying to showher, man, And I'm trying to get
the best words out as best aspossible, but not talk too long.
(14:57):
The reasons why, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
And so what I learned aboutmyself is, which I'm still
learning, is when she'sfrustrated, I first ask, what is
really going on?
Is this really about me?
And two, I know what she'ssaying.
(15:20):
I hear it.
But is there anything that I'mreally missing?
You know, when people saythings, but you look at the
whole picture, like what'sreally going on?
What's the, is it readingbetween the lines?
Like what's really going on?
And then is it because they feelthis way?
(15:41):
So when she started havingdifferent feelings, I'd say, are
you happy?
Are you sad?
Are you frustrated?
Are you annoyed?
Because, and I always try toexplain the situation.
Are you annoyed at me because Idid not give you enough time to
finish the project?
Or are you upset because youwanted to eat that donut because
(16:09):
mommy ate hers?
And you didn't finish.
So when I spoke to her, I triedto explain it as quickly to her
and giving her the words so shecan express it.
Like, yes.
(16:29):
And so now she's very good whenshe is upset.
She'll be specific.
UNKNOWN (16:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:38):
of how I frustrated her.
So there'll be no guessing.
Sometimes it's guessing like youactually pinpoint the moment.
There's really nothing behindthe curtain.
You're just telling me, this isit.
This is what you did.
And so I like that because I tryto speak to her and give her
(17:03):
words.
And then me...
it gave me a more awareness ofmyself, how I come across to
her.
And the funny thing is, the moreI did that with Olivia, I tried
to do that with myself.
I tried to, when I'm frustrated,I tried to, and I wanted a
(17:27):
discipline, I had to ask myself,what is really going on with
myself?
Am I angry?
Frustrated because I didn't getenough sleep last night because
I was doing the laundry, thedishes, cleaning the room.
And I just want to sit down andeat and have someone rub my
feet.
Or is it because I miss myfamily?
(17:48):
Because I live in America and Imiss my family in New Zealand.
And I just didn't have enoughtime to talk to my siblings.
And I really wanted to justconnect with someone, an adult.
So that's trying to look at myday or week, a few days, what's
(18:09):
really going on with my soul.
And I love that, that I learneda lot about during those times.
So I had quite a few people say,oh my goodness, the terrible
toes.
And I said, no, no.
It was not the terrible tours.
It was the terrific tours, and Itruly can say that.
(18:31):
Terrific tours, because Ilearned a lot about myself with
my sister's help.
And I hope that you have afriend, for those who are just
entering in that toddler stage,and you're finding your way to
how to deal with frustrations,your toddler's crying, your
(18:53):
toddler's frustrated, yourtoddler won't go to sleep, they
don't like your cooking, theydon't like vegetables, or maybe
they do like vegetables and theylove to play outside, or they
want to go to grandma's all thetime.
You're going to find your rhythmand work with your where you're
(19:15):
at and also I hope you get thesupport find the support and if
you say I don't have anyone youhave this podcast send in a
story share share your parentingstories I mean oh my goodness my
parenting stories look you'vebeen listening to me for some
(19:35):
time you know That I am doingthe best I can.
With the resources I have.
With the time that's given.
And every now and then.
I'm going to fall asleep.
UNKNOWN (19:47):
When I parent.
SPEAKER_00 (19:49):
And really what helped.
I still keep this.
When she slept.
I slept.
Now some people I know.
Some moms you're listening tome.
When my baby.
When my child was sleeping.
I did housework.
But that just was not me.
No.
When she slept.
I slept.
(20:10):
And I was really thankful thatshe did enjoy her naps.
But as she started to grow upand not in the toddler stage...
You know, she didn't sleep asmuch.
And I'm like, oh, what happenedto sleeping?
(20:30):
And now she does not like takingnaps.
But me, oh, I love taking naps.
I tell you what, if there'ssomeone who's like, what's the
secret of having naps?
I would say, I don't know whatit is, but oh, I used to say,
and I would do this with Olivia,because I read it some book,
(20:52):
like, just relax your body, butI would literally say, goodnight
toes, and I'll say goodbye to mygoodnight toes, and I'll say,
goodnight toes, you know, justget them relaxed, lying down in
bed, and I'll say, goodnightankles, and I'm telling my body,
telling myself, goodnightankles, and then I'll be like,
(21:13):
goodnight calves, like, And Iwould teach that to Olivia, like
each part of my body, I wouldsay, good night, good night.
And I think sometimes Oliviawould be like, okay, ma'am, you
don't have to say every part ofyour body.
I'm like, good night waist, goodnight fingers.
And I go all the way up to thehead and I told each part, the
(21:36):
main parts of my body, it istime to sleep.
And I think I've done thatenough now where I just look at
everything and I'm like, goodnight.
But now I'm enteringpre-menopause, I think they all
started to wake up.
I hope that this episode,tantrums, toddler tantrums, that
(21:58):
you learn more about yourself,discover something new.
Maybe when they throw a tantrum,I mean, I think adults throw a
tantrum too, just becauseinterpretation of what the
tantrum is maybe it's therolling of the eyes for adults
(22:19):
or maybe a tantrum for someoneis like no I'm just not going to
do the dishes but if you canshare with someone then I really
encourage you to do it becauseit is when you are at this stage
because I was a stay-at-home momfull-time I just picked up the
phone and I picked up the phoneif I could not get a hold of my
(22:42):
sister because my husband, he'sworking full time and it wasn't
always convenient for me to talkto him because he couldn't
always stay on the phone.
So I had key people I can talkto for help.
And also there are people Icould go to, like I could drive
with Olivia and we can go andvisit them if it got too much.
(23:04):
So I had my...
grandma, my husband, hisgrandma, she lived not too far
from us.
When Olivia, when it got toomuch for us, I would just say,
call, say, hey, I'm coming over.
I just need a break.
And that was one, you know, Iwas so happy that my in-laws and
(23:25):
my grandparents were alwaysthere.
I could just pop in and justsay, I come over.
And they were always kind ofgoing, you can leave Olivia and
go.
And I was like, 99% of the time,I just wanted to stay there and
go to sleep.
So they would just mind her andtake care of her.
Or they would just give me likea hot cup of tea.
(23:46):
They'll give me a coffee andsomething sweet to eat.
And they'll just talk.
And I'm sure I was crying,always crying and just saying, I
don't know if I'm doing itright.
She's frustrated.
I'm not sure if she's got atummy ache.
Not sure if she's tired.
I'm just not sure.
So that's another thing I wouldencourage to have people to
(24:08):
build community around you.
Now, it's not always going to beeasy because you might be, you
might have moved into a newcommunity and you don't know
anyone.
You're like, excuse me, I don'tknow anyone.
And it's just myself and I,myself and my child, my toddler
here.
And how's it going to work?
(24:28):
One, I always recommend this.
If there's a local church andthey love Jesus, I would say
check them out.
How do you know?
You just get that vibe in yourheart.
Go to a local church.
Go to a library.
And just at least you can gosomewhere that you can love.
(24:51):
Just maybe change the scenery.
Or if you say, well, you know, Idon't have a local church that's
close by or I don't have like alibrary.
Can you go outside and just sitoutside with your child that is
safe?
Because depending where you are,you might live in certain areas
like, oh, well, there's a busyroad.
(25:12):
So that would not be good forus.
Okay.
Well, try to find somewhere thatyou can go.
Move out of that situation thatyou can go to maybe, I don't
know, a shopping mall, ashopping place, somewhere where
you can just like have some.
(25:33):
If you cannot go to a next doorneighbor or go visit a family
friend, can they come to you?
That might be something too.
So you might have a buddy, youknow, another female friend,
someone who's close, who's verygood in these situations.
You want someone that's going togive you encouragement.
(25:56):
This is not the time for yourfriend telling you what you
should be doing.
No, this is a friend or a familymember that just loves on you,
loves on you as you're goingthrough this, you know, stage
with your toddler.
And so that way you get get therest that you need.
And also for your friend or thatfamily member to keep telling
(26:20):
you, you are an amazing mum.
You're doing the best you canwith the time that's given, with
the resources you have.
I mean, hello! You are, and Ihope you are truly telling
yourself that.
Because learning about yourselfis a It's an ongoing process.
(26:42):
You are learning about yourselfas you're learning about someone
else.
You are learning and you arereally taking the time of how
you process, how you love onyourself, and also how you love
on your child.
And you're really digging deep.
You're digging into those heartquestions.
(27:04):
And you're taking the time toask them and you want to get to
know them and you want to helpthem.
You want to, you know, reallyencourage them to be the best
that they can be.
And then, you know, yourpersonality and their
personality.
It takes a long time.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm still learning about myselfin this stage.
(27:26):
Each stage is so different.
Or maybe your child is a lotolder.
You're like, well, my child islike 10 or 11.
Okay, my child right now, she'seight.
And that's an interesting stage.
I'm really learning a lot aboutmy stage because I'm in
pre-menopause stage.
So I told my husband, oh, wow.
(27:48):
Wow.
You're the best husband.
So once again, I really want youto remember that you are the
best wife for your husband.
You are doing the best you canwith the time that's given, with
the resources you have.
And take care.
Love on yourself.
Tell yourself how awesome youam.
(28:09):
Absolutely.
You know, don't, I mean, Ireally encourage you to say when
you wake up in the morning,you're welcome.
To everybody, you're welcome.
Try it.
You're welcome.
They're like, what for?
Because I'm here and I love you.
(28:30):
So I just want to say thank youto my listeners.
Thank you for supporting andlistening to this podcast.
And I want to give a shout outto my listener in Watago,
Connecticut.
and Bristol, Connecticut, NewBritain, Connecticut, and
Reading, Reading, Ocala,Florida, Petaling, Jaya, and
(28:52):
Salagon, I hope I got thatright, and over Hampshire,
Camarillo, Tokyo, and Chi...
Shawnigan Lake in BritishColumbia and those cities are
from United States, UnitedKingdom, Malaysia, Japan and
(29:13):
Canada.
I want to say thank you all somuch for supporting.
Please, I would love to hearfrom you.
If you want to send me a textthrough the fan mail, please do
and I'm really excited about theMom and Daughter Icebreaker
series.
These to help you start theconversation.
(29:36):
And that will be coming outsoon.
So if you are interested inwanting more information, let me
know.
Send it through fan mail or sendit through my email and my bio
and I will give you moreinformation about that.
Thank you for listening to theFamily of One Child podcast.
(29:57):
This is for Comet.
I will meet you in the nextepisode.
Bye.
Bye.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
amazing Only Child Mums, I'm 4 Comment, your
part-time working mum friend wholoves Yahweh, family and fun.
Welcome to the family of onewhere we share joys and
adventures of raising an onlychild.
Expect relatable stories,parenting laughs and faithful
(00:25):
tips.
Let's make small family lifeenjoyable.
Welcome back.
Now this episode I'm going totalk about toddler's tantrums.
I feel like I need a drum rollwhen I say that.
Toddler's tantrums and findingyour peace or finding your
(00:45):
patience during those moments.
Now I have to say when Oliviajoined those stages, you may
have heard the saying, Is it theterrible twos?
I did not experience thatbecause I told myself, I am not
going to experience it.
(01:07):
When she was two, I changed it.
And I would say these, I didn'tsay terrible twos.
I say terrific twos or wonderfultwos.
Twos are my best year to learnabout myself, best year to learn
about herself.
And so I didn't, I didn't gothrough that stage experiencing
(01:33):
it.
Now, it's all relative becauseI'm sure if you were asked, my
sister, my grandmother, myhusband, you would find me
crying in the middle, crying.
At some point, maybe...
I was tired once again.
Maybe I was overwhelmed.
But during those times, what Ilearned about myself was
(01:57):
communication.
Because I remember, okay, so...
I think, okay, I started doingtimeout.
Timeout for us, you're like,what's a timeout?
Because everybody's definitionof timing out is different.
Your interpretation.
For us, we use timeout where shewould sit because we have a
(02:21):
bi-level.
So she would sit on the stepsand I would be like an arm's
length away from her.
If I asked her to...
Cause she's two, two or three.
Like if she wanted something andI asked her to say please, or
ask her to wait, or I'm tryingto not have an instant
(02:43):
gratification.
And boy, I was good at that.
I mean, my daughter would likecry and make a noise.
And mommy was there or I need a,I need a drink.
Oh, what do you need?
Do you need food?
I'll hold you.
I mean, I don't think I reallyallowed her to use the words
(03:07):
because, I mean, that's extreme.
And so I started seeingbehaviors where she would make a
noise and I'll come running,right?
Or my husband and I would belike, oh no, we would have to...
We literally jumped toeverything that she wanted.
(03:31):
And I tell you, I'm sure you'relaughing right now because
you're like, I cannot believeyou're the mom.
I was.
And then I got tired.
And then I got exhausted.
And then I called my sister andsaid, hey, I think there's
something wrong with herbecause...
(03:52):
Everything that she wants, Igive it to her.
And she's not being thankful.
And I'll explain that situation.
My sister, she's so good.
She'll be like, okay, let'sprocess through.
Because right now you're crying.
And she'll be like, where'sOlivia?
(04:12):
I'm like, oh, she's right nextto me.
And she's happy.
But I can't understand why I'mso tired and I'm crying.
And so I was, and then I wouldsay, she's not listening.
I'll tell her, pick up your toyor just wait on a minute and
she'll make a noise.
And then I'll be like, oh no,I'm feeling like the worst mom
(04:36):
ever.
Cause she's making that.
I think I'll have to bring mysister along because she, she
gave me such good advice and I'mlaughing about it now, but I
didn't realize how much I taughtmy daughter those behaviors.
(04:59):
And so because I was jumping andshe could just point and make a
noise, I would like doeverything as much as I could
without like, hold on a minute,let's just back it up a bit.
UNKNOWN (05:18):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (05:19):
Let's back this bus up and see what is going on.
So my sister helped me toprocess that.
So we came up with a solutionthat worked for all of us and me
to be like, I'm the parent andshe's the child.
And it's okay for her to wait.
And it's okay because she's in asafe place.
(05:42):
If I say not to hold on aminute, let me finish my cup of
tea or I'm on the phone.
You can go and get your toy or Icannot play with you right now.
Like, just acceptable things.
It's not life-threateningthings.
But wait and teach her to wait.
(06:02):
And I had to learn about myself.
It's okay to say no.
It's okay to, like, I had tounpack why I was feeling bad.
Why I couldn't say no to her andmy sister.
I tell you what, she will beavailable.
She has counseled many people.
(06:23):
Eventually, we will get her onand you guys can ask questions
through our emails if you'rejust wanting to unpack.
She is such an amazing unpacker.
I'm a process person.
She helps you like line all thedots and help you just frame
what you're going through andthe reasons why.
(06:45):
And she's a great listener.
So having her with me, I had topractice even just saying the
word N-O.
And if you looked at my outsideof being a parent in other
areas, I didn't say no.
(07:07):
to many things, like boundaries.
I said yes to a lot of things,which was making me tired before
I had Olivia.
So I just brought all of thatstuff into parenting.
I mean, I'm great at otherthings, but I was just learning
more about myself, and that'swhat I love about my daughter.
(07:29):
So one of those things I learnedthat worked for our family is
that When she needed a timeout,we would sit her on the steps
and I'll be at an arm's length.
And then depending on what thesituation was, she could be on
the steps for like 10 seconds,20 seconds or more.
(07:54):
I don't know what would beextreme for us for her to be on
there for two minutes becauseshe didn't really.
But it got so funny.
I got so used to it.
And she did not like sitting onthe step.
I mean, at first she was astruggle.
She was like, why am I sittingon the step?
It was hilarious.
She got so used to it after awhile because I started timing
(08:16):
her out a bit too much.
She'd be like, time out.
UNKNOWN (08:21):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (08:22):
And I didn't even reason why, like why she's
having a timeout.
I was like, this timeout isgreat.
And then I was telling mysister, she was like, oh, we'll
call each other.
So where's Olivia?
She's timeout.
And then I'll tell her why.
And then she started hearingthat I timeout her a lot.
(08:45):
Like I started timing her.
So much Olivia would like, Iwould tell her, hey, do not fall
out.
Fall asleep.
Do not lie down.
I want you to sit up straight.
Because now Olivia's enjoying tohave time out.
She's like, oh, I get to havequiet time.
Do not do anything.
After a while, she's like,mommy's going to time me out for
(09:07):
anything.
And it was so hilarious now thatI think about it.
So when I talked to my sister,she gave me such good advice.
She said, for me, I want to...
discipline her and the wayyou're using time out, but I
don't want to break her spirit.
Like you, you discipline, youteach them out of love.
(09:29):
You're doing the action in love.
You're not angry when you'redoing it.
You're doing this.
And like you come across in acalm as best as you can.
There's going to be momentswhere I think I'm not yelling,
but yes, Olivia, now she saysyou're yelling.
And I'm like, this is notyelling that there's
interpretation for you.
(09:50):
And so having another adult andjust like she, when I would time
out Olivia, I think there wasone time where I would call my
sister again and I said, hey, Iwant to time her out for this.
And this is what my process ofthought is.
Like, am I in the right space?
(10:11):
Is this right?
You're thinking, oh my goodness,are you extreme or wow?
Or you might be saying, I don'thave another friend to call.
Like you're saying about yoursister and I get it, but I was
just saying for me, what Ilearned during these times,
during these tantrums is that Ihad to understand just with my
(10:34):
sister's help, what is shetrying to communicate to me
through the noise?
What am I missing?
Can I hear her heart?
Is my heart open to receive whatshe's trying to say?
Because right now she doesn'thave all her words.
Yes, she's using words as inthrough crying, through body
(10:57):
language.
Maybe she was kicking.
She doesn't.
But she's frustrated.
What is she frustrated about?
And I really had to slow myselfdown.
I mean, slow myself down like,okay, hold on a minute.
Just take a breather.
What's really going on?
Am I frustrated because am Imore tired once again?
Or am I more embarrassed becausewe're at a public place and
(11:21):
people might judge me becausenow she's upset and she's crying
really loud and she's notlistening.
So I really had to...
really learn to walk thatthrough some days were good
right and some days are betteras I got like using that process
(11:44):
for me so I started to noticewhen I was more aware when she
was frustrated and she is tryingto find the words or trying to
like point to something orsaying like she's tired she's
And I know she's tired, but shedoesn't have a nap.
(12:04):
Or she's hungry, but she'stired.
Or she has a sore tummy.
Or she's just missing herfather.
Or she's missing me.
I was like, oh my goodness,trying to understand her to
understand me to go through thisprocess.
What a hot mess.
(12:24):
Can't I just time her out?
And my sister, she's only like,you could.
But, you know, you want to learnabout her more now and walk
through this process as you'relearning more about yourself.
And so it had made me goingthrough those moments when she
(12:45):
was, you know, a toddler reallyhelped me to understand, huh, I
wonder if because I do this withher, do I do this with my
husband?
When he's annoyed, what's reallygoing on?
Is he annoyed because one, did Ido it?
(13:05):
Did he do it?
What are the other factorsinvolved?
I'm trying to really seedifferent perspectives.
Now with Olivia, because I putthat time in, I started to
notice I didn't give her timeout Really wasn't a thing.
(13:27):
Like there was less time out.
And then I would give herchoices.
Now you know your child.
For Olivia.
Her.
It was either.
You have a choice.
If I was asking her to pick upher toy.
I say you can pick up your toy.
Or.
You can do this.
(13:48):
Like I will.
For example.
We won't.
I don't know.
You won't have dessert, forexample, something like that.
I always try and match the, whatdo you call it, the
consequences.
I mean, I wouldn't do, like, tothe situation.
(14:09):
Like, I don't want to go, like,try and make sure it fit the
situation.
So I had to learn that too.
What is...
At that stage, when she was twoor three, I wish she could
understand it as best as shecould.
And then after doing that, talkcalmly to her why, even though
(14:36):
she may not understand it.
But trying to let her see that,yes, mummy is not happy right
now because I'm trying to showher, man, And I'm trying to get
the best words out as best aspossible, but not talk too long.
(14:57):
The reasons why, blah, blah,blah, blah, blah.
And so what I learned aboutmyself is, which I'm still
learning, is when she'sfrustrated, I first ask, what is
really going on?
Is this really about me?
And two, I know what she'ssaying.
(15:20):
I hear it.
But is there anything that I'mreally missing?
You know, when people saythings, but you look at the
whole picture, like what'sreally going on?
What's the, is it readingbetween the lines?
Like what's really going on?
And then is it because they feelthis way?
(15:41):
So when she started havingdifferent feelings, I'd say, are
you happy?
Are you sad?
Are you frustrated?
Are you annoyed?
Because, and I always try toexplain the situation.
Are you annoyed at me because Idid not give you enough time to
finish the project?
Or are you upset because youwanted to eat that donut because
(16:09):
mommy ate hers?
And you didn't finish.
So when I spoke to her, I triedto explain it as quickly to her
and giving her the words so shecan express it.
Like, yes.
(16:29):
And so now she's very good whenshe is upset.
She'll be specific.
UNKNOWN (16:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (16:38):
of how I frustrated her.
So there'll be no guessing.
Sometimes it's guessing like youactually pinpoint the moment.
There's really nothing behindthe curtain.
You're just telling me, this isit.
This is what you did.
And so I like that because I tryto speak to her and give her
(17:03):
words.
And then me...
it gave me a more awareness ofmyself, how I come across to
her.
And the funny thing is, the moreI did that with Olivia, I tried
to do that with myself.
I tried to, when I'm frustrated,I tried to, and I wanted a
(17:27):
discipline, I had to ask myself,what is really going on with
myself?
Am I angry?
Frustrated because I didn't getenough sleep last night because
I was doing the laundry, thedishes, cleaning the room.
And I just want to sit down andeat and have someone rub my
feet.
Or is it because I miss myfamily?
(17:48):
Because I live in America and Imiss my family in New Zealand.
And I just didn't have enoughtime to talk to my siblings.
And I really wanted to justconnect with someone, an adult.
So that's trying to look at myday or week, a few days, what's
(18:09):
really going on with my soul.
And I love that, that I learneda lot about during those times.
So I had quite a few people say,oh my goodness, the terrible
toes.
And I said, no, no.
It was not the terrible tours.
It was the terrific tours, and Itruly can say that.
(18:31):
Terrific tours, because Ilearned a lot about myself with
my sister's help.
And I hope that you have afriend, for those who are just
entering in that toddler stage,and you're finding your way to
how to deal with frustrations,your toddler's crying, your
(18:53):
toddler's frustrated, yourtoddler won't go to sleep, they
don't like your cooking, theydon't like vegetables, or maybe
they do like vegetables and theylove to play outside, or they
want to go to grandma's all thetime.
You're going to find your rhythmand work with your where you're
(19:15):
at and also I hope you get thesupport find the support and if
you say I don't have anyone youhave this podcast send in a
story share share your parentingstories I mean oh my goodness my
parenting stories look you'vebeen listening to me for some
(19:35):
time you know That I am doingthe best I can.
With the resources I have.
With the time that's given.
And every now and then.
I'm going to fall asleep.
UNKNOWN (19:47):
When I parent.
SPEAKER_00 (19:49):
And really what helped.
I still keep this.
When she slept.
I slept.
Now some people I know.
Some moms you're listening tome.
When my baby.
When my child was sleeping.
I did housework.
But that just was not me.
No.
When she slept.
I slept.
(20:10):
And I was really thankful thatshe did enjoy her naps.
But as she started to grow upand not in the toddler stage...
You know, she didn't sleep asmuch.
And I'm like, oh, what happenedto sleeping?
(20:30):
And now she does not like takingnaps.
But me, oh, I love taking naps.
I tell you what, if there'ssomeone who's like, what's the
secret of having naps?
I would say, I don't know whatit is, but oh, I used to say,
and I would do this with Olivia,because I read it some book,
(20:52):
like, just relax your body, butI would literally say, goodnight
toes, and I'll say goodbye to mygoodnight toes, and I'll say,
goodnight toes, you know, justget them relaxed, lying down in
bed, and I'll say, goodnightankles, and I'm telling my body,
telling myself, goodnightankles, and then I'll be like,
(21:13):
goodnight calves, like, And Iwould teach that to Olivia, like
each part of my body, I wouldsay, good night, good night.
And I think sometimes Oliviawould be like, okay, ma'am, you
don't have to say every part ofyour body.
I'm like, good night waist, goodnight fingers.
And I go all the way up to thehead and I told each part, the
(21:36):
main parts of my body, it istime to sleep.
And I think I've done thatenough now where I just look at
everything and I'm like, goodnight.
But now I'm enteringpre-menopause, I think they all
started to wake up.
I hope that this episode,tantrums, toddler tantrums, that
(21:58):
you learn more about yourself,discover something new.
Maybe when they throw a tantrum,I mean, I think adults throw a
tantrum too, just becauseinterpretation of what the
tantrum is maybe it's therolling of the eyes for adults
(22:19):
or maybe a tantrum for someoneis like no I'm just not going to
do the dishes but if you canshare with someone then I really
encourage you to do it becauseit is when you are at this stage
because I was a stay-at-home momfull-time I just picked up the
phone and I picked up the phoneif I could not get a hold of my
(22:42):
sister because my husband, he'sworking full time and it wasn't
always convenient for me to talkto him because he couldn't
always stay on the phone.
So I had key people I can talkto for help.
And also there are people Icould go to, like I could drive
with Olivia and we can go andvisit them if it got too much.
(23:04):
So I had my...
grandma, my husband, hisgrandma, she lived not too far
from us.
When Olivia, when it got toomuch for us, I would just say,
call, say, hey, I'm coming over.
I just need a break.
And that was one, you know, Iwas so happy that my in-laws and
(23:25):
my grandparents were alwaysthere.
I could just pop in and justsay, I come over.
And they were always kind ofgoing, you can leave Olivia and
go.
And I was like, 99% of the time,I just wanted to stay there and
go to sleep.
So they would just mind her andtake care of her.
Or they would just give me likea hot cup of tea.
(23:46):
They'll give me a coffee andsomething sweet to eat.
And they'll just talk.
And I'm sure I was crying,always crying and just saying, I
don't know if I'm doing itright.
She's frustrated.
I'm not sure if she's got atummy ache.
Not sure if she's tired.
I'm just not sure.
So that's another thing I wouldencourage to have people to
(24:08):
build community around you.
Now, it's not always going to beeasy because you might be, you
might have moved into a newcommunity and you don't know
anyone.
You're like, excuse me, I don'tknow anyone.
And it's just myself and I,myself and my child, my toddler
here.
And how's it going to work?
(24:28):
One, I always recommend this.
If there's a local church andthey love Jesus, I would say
check them out.
How do you know?
You just get that vibe in yourheart.
Go to a local church.
Go to a library.
And just at least you can gosomewhere that you can love.
(24:51):
Just maybe change the scenery.
Or if you say, well, you know, Idon't have a local church that's
close by or I don't have like alibrary.
Can you go outside and just sitoutside with your child that is
safe?
Because depending where you are,you might live in certain areas
like, oh, well, there's a busyroad.
(25:12):
So that would not be good forus.
Okay.
Well, try to find somewhere thatyou can go.
Move out of that situation thatyou can go to maybe, I don't
know, a shopping mall, ashopping place, somewhere where
you can just like have some.
(25:33):
If you cannot go to a next doorneighbor or go visit a family
friend, can they come to you?
That might be something too.
So you might have a buddy, youknow, another female friend,
someone who's close, who's verygood in these situations.
You want someone that's going togive you encouragement.
(25:56):
This is not the time for yourfriend telling you what you
should be doing.
No, this is a friend or a familymember that just loves on you,
loves on you as you're goingthrough this, you know, stage
with your toddler.
And so that way you get get therest that you need.
And also for your friend or thatfamily member to keep telling
(26:20):
you, you are an amazing mum.
You're doing the best you canwith the time that's given, with
the resources you have.
I mean, hello! You are, and Ihope you are truly telling
yourself that.
Because learning about yourselfis a It's an ongoing process.
(26:42):
You are learning about yourselfas you're learning about someone
else.
You are learning and you arereally taking the time of how
you process, how you love onyourself, and also how you love
on your child.
And you're really digging deep.
You're digging into those heartquestions.
(27:04):
And you're taking the time toask them and you want to get to
know them and you want to helpthem.
You want to, you know, reallyencourage them to be the best
that they can be.
And then, you know, yourpersonality and their
personality.
It takes a long time.
Oh, my goodness.
I'm still learning about myselfin this stage.
(27:26):
Each stage is so different.
Or maybe your child is a lotolder.
You're like, well, my child islike 10 or 11.
Okay, my child right now, she'seight.
And that's an interesting stage.
I'm really learning a lot aboutmy stage because I'm in
pre-menopause stage.
So I told my husband, oh, wow.
(27:48):
Wow.
You're the best husband.
So once again, I really want youto remember that you are the
best wife for your husband.
You are doing the best you canwith the time that's given, with
the resources you have.
And take care.
Love on yourself.
Tell yourself how awesome youam.
(28:09):
Absolutely.
You know, don't, I mean, Ireally encourage you to say when
you wake up in the morning,you're welcome.
To everybody, you're welcome.
Try it.
You're welcome.
They're like, what for?
Because I'm here and I love you.
(28:30):
So I just want to say thank youto my listeners.
Thank you for supporting andlistening to this podcast.
And I want to give a shout outto my listener in Watago,
Connecticut.
and Bristol, Connecticut, NewBritain, Connecticut, and
Reading, Reading, Ocala,Florida, Petaling, Jaya, and
(28:52):
Salagon, I hope I got thatright, and over Hampshire,
Camarillo, Tokyo, and Chi...
Shawnigan Lake in BritishColumbia and those cities are
from United States, UnitedKingdom, Malaysia, Japan and
(29:13):
Canada.
I want to say thank you all somuch for supporting.
Please, I would love to hearfrom you.
If you want to send me a textthrough the fan mail, please do
and I'm really excited about theMom and Daughter Icebreaker
series.
These to help you start theconversation.
(29:36):
And that will be coming outsoon.
So if you are interested inwanting more information, let me
know.
Send it through fan mail or sendit through my email and my bio
and I will give you moreinformation about that.
Thank you for listening to theFamily of One Child podcast.
(29:57):
This is for Comet.
I will meet you in the nextepisode.
Bye.
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