October 8, 2024 • 42 mins
Breaking free from the performance trap begins by examining what your father named you and finding your true identity beyond achievements.
• Core identity questions arise from childhood and determine what we give our hearts to
• The performance trap creates a constant need to prove ourselves and never allows us to rest
• Children look to parents to define who they are through words and actions
• Parents transfer not just ethics but their own relationship with themselves to their children
• Moving beyond political, racial, and achievement-based identities allows for authentic connection
• Discovering who God says you are exchanges the treadmill of performance for true rest
• Breaking generational patterns allows children to live from security rather than constantly proving their worth
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
Okay, I think we are live.
Okay, we are live.
Welcome.
Tonight we're going to talkabout the whole question what
did your father name you?
What was the name?
(00:29):
You got away from your childhoodand I had to really find
freedom from the performancetrap that it's so easy for us to
get our identity from our namefrom.
And the only problem with theperformance trap is that what if
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you lose that role or you'renot connected in life to maybe
the core of who you think thatyou've been called to be?
You think that you've beencalled to be and you know that's
.
It's so problematic for us inour life if the core identity of
our life has to be made up allthe time.
Matter of fact, we live in aworld where the core identity of
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people is discovered every day.
Online.
People are looking constantlyfor who am I?
How is my life going to bedifferent?
And so the problem is is thatif you're not really clear about
who you are, you'll get intothis cycle of performing
(01:37):
constantly.
And tonight we're going to talkabout finding freedom from the
performance trap in your life.
I'm your host, ed T-McLanson.
I'm so grateful that you'rejoining us from different places
.
Every week we come together.
We have people from differentparts of the world with all
kinds of things happening, andwe have some crazy times that
(02:00):
we're living in right now in theUnited States of America.
If that's your country, oryou're visiting from Canada, I'd
love to hear about you andwhere you're from.
You can send me a comment, ornot, of discovering and really
(02:24):
being able to break through withthis whole idea about your core
identity.
So let's get started.
So, when you think about yourchildhood and your relationship
with your dad, with your mom,your relationship with your dad,
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with your mom, and discoveringwho you are, how would you name
yourself?
What is that core identity thatyou came away from your
childhood with?
Was it something you did?
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Was it a hobby?
Was it an athletic event?
For me, it was about playing inthe National Football League.
Being an athlete and based onhow you name yourself really
determines kind of what you giveyour heart to and how you live
your life for.
And that can be so problematicif you don't reach those goals
(03:32):
or connect with really who you,you know, really think you're
supposed to be.
And you know I meet people allthe time.
You know in our coachingbusiness and what we're doing
here in our ministry, here inour nonprofit, where people are
really not clear about who God'smade them to be.
(03:52):
So they're constantly shifting,they're constantly looking for
who they are.
They come away they came awayfrom their childhood many times
with gigantic big question marksabout personal identity and
they're constantly looking.
They choose spouses many timesbecause they put into that
(04:16):
moment in their wedding thatthat person is going to really
help me discover who I am andit's great to make a great
choice.
But how do you get off thattreadmill where you're
constantly evaluating yourselfwith everybody else around you?
You can feel really great aboutyourself until you find
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somebody who does the same thingyou do and they're so much
farther along than you are.
And one of the symptoms ofsomebody that's kind of in that
performance trap in your life isthat they don't rest very well.
They're constantly driving andpushing and ambition and you
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know, maximizing your life andeverything that you've been
called to be and do is a greatthing.
But what's the expense to otherpeople when they begin to feel
as though they are more a partof your story being complete
(05:20):
than you being able to bepresent and really make it about
them, than you being able to bepresent and really make it
about them.
I learned this when being afather in the early days.
I remember coming home fromwork and ministry and my travels
, and my children would meet meat the door with his daddy's
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home and I had to be reallycareful because little Luke
would run up to me with his headdown and right and turn
sideways he could knock me out,if you know what I mean and they
were waiting for me, as a dad,to be present with them, helping
them, you know, with whateverthey needed to.
But the real question with mychildren was a question I was
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raised up with so much in mylife and that is hey, dad, who
do you think I am?
Your kids are constantlylooking at you and I don't know
how many of you had done kidswho do crazy stuff, but they're
constantly looking towards youto find out what you think about
them.
And why is that?
(06:27):
Because, dads, you carryidentity in you.
Even moms, they have thisability to you know, either make
their children's chests go outor their heads bow low by the
way they use their words and thethings that they do.
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And one of the secrets of beinga great parent and even being a
great spouse, or if you'resingle and you're dating
somebody, is to make thatrelationship completely about
that other person and not justabout you, and one of the things
that happens when you make itabout you and you're constantly
trying to discover who you areis that many times your
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relationships.
I was with this guy the otherday in a coaching session and he
really wanted to find the rightgirl in his life and they get
married and everything else.
And so as I began to interviewhim and ask him a few basic
questions, I determined rightaway he was looking for a girl.
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That made him look better, andmy comment to him was well, as
soon as you find her, you'regoing to find a flaw with her,
and then you'll probably tradeher in for another one Because
you're not clear about who youare.
So when I asked you thatquestion who has God made you to
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be and how do you see yourself?
Do you see yourself as missingit in life?
Do you see yourself as brokenin some ways?
Are you really clear about whoGod has called you to be?
Are you clear about what Godhas called you to do?
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All those questions Godpromises to answer.
And he does answer in this book, in the Bible.
And he does answer in this bookin the Bible.
And the better you are atunderstanding who God says you
are and living out of that, thedifferent—let me say it this way
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your heart changes from tryingto find out who you are and
making your life about yourselfto living your life like Jesus
did, where he was constantlyliving so that other people
could discover who God, theFather, wanted them to be.
And that's a sweet spot for you, that's a sweet spot for me,
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that's a sweet spot for me.
And so how do you come to thatplace?
How do you escape thatperformance trap where you never
rest because you're alwaysgoing for the next thing?
I remember when I first began tounderstand these things and I
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was before I even wrote my firstbook I was on an escalator, one
of those moving walkways to theairport, and I was walking.
And what I love about thosethings is it helps an old geezer
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like me to get to a planereally quickly.
And I'm following a guy who'son his telephone and I'm
bouncing up and down.
You know, they've made it.
It's a really fascinatinginvention.
The walkway is metal, yet itbounces.
And so when you walk on it,whoever is in front of you or
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behind you especially if you'rea retired NFL football player is
bouncing on that moving walkwaywith you as you're going
towards your plane.
And there's a guy on the phonewho sort of turned around and
noses me.
But I listened in on hisconversation and he's talking to
his wife.
I can tell by that, by the wayhe's talking.
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And I overheard him say.
He says I know I know I haven'tmade a game all year long for
my son, but you know, honey,this next deal, if I can just
get to this next deal in my life, we're going to get the
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breakthrough that we need and Ipromise I'll make the rest of
the games.
And I can just hear theinflection in his voice and how.
You know he was reallyconflicted.
But he was on that treadmillman.
He was going to the next city,he was getting ready to get on
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the airplane and he was going tomiss that fathering moment with
his son that he had not had yetthis year.
And so we come off the end ofthe moving escalator and he
turns around and looks at me andhe says did you just hear that
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and I said, yeah, I did.
I mean, that's pretty obvious.
You feel conflicted about goingto the next place.
And I looked at him and I said,sir, you know you can get this
deal and make all the money inthe world, but if you lose the
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heart of your son, you're goingto feel like the poorest man in
your neighborhood.
And he looks at me and it juststrikes him and he smiles at me
and I just saw the light bulbsgo off in his head and he turns
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around and gets on the escalatoron the way out of the airport.
He discovered something in thatmoment.
He discovered probably thesweetest spot that we can have
in our lives is followers ofJesus, and that is when we pay
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attention to what God is callingus to and we begin to live our
lives for the sake of the peoplethat God has given us to love.
And one of the ways you canreally find out about what that
core identity or name is in yourown life is to look at the way
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you respond to your children andlook at the way you father them
.
Or maybe you're a mom watching.
Look at the way you mother yourchildren, because we begin
fathering, having children.
Children is a beautiful thing,but one of the gifts that God
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gives us in the midst of being afather or a mother is— and the
way we father them says a lotabout what we believe.
And I'm not just talking aboutChristian ethics and teaching
them right from wrong and how togo for life and build goals,
but we transfer to them the waywe deal with ourselves in our
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own hearts.
Right, I mean, you can't, as afather or a mother, say, son,
listen to me, don't do what I do, do what I say.
We're not able to say thatbecause our children's model of
the way they do their lifethey're constantly looking at
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you and they're constantlylooking at me and the very same
ways that we live out our story.
And here's the here's the thingthat that is incredibly
powerful to me when I learnedthis is that my sons even did my
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life.
The way I did things when theyweren't even around.
It's like who I was as a man inthe dark that my children
wasn't privy to, became theplace of strength or weakness
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that I lived in in my life.
And when I didn't rest and whenI didn't, you know, spend time
with them, when I was constantlydriving myself.
I remember in early yearswatching my own children live
the same way, same way, and sowhat I was transferring to them
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wasn't this security that I hadfound in the Lord.
I was transferring thistreadmill and I was watching how
it was affecting them and theway they were driving themselves
, and then the way my childrenbegan to compete with one
another.
In the family, everyone'strying to get to the next level,
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trying to outdo one another,and competition in itself isn't
wrong or evil.
But when your core identitygets broken because they never
discover who God's really madethem to be, because their dad
never discovered that, thenyou're giving them the same
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treadmill and the result of thathappens is that you know, and
I'm going to tell you, there arethings that I have had to go to
my children about and ask forforgiveness for, in patterns and
ways that I treated them.
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That boy brought sometremendous healing with my kids
when I was able to really dealin honesty with them.
You know what I'm talking aboutthose places in your life where
you are still.
You're pushing to break through, pushing to arrive, and believe
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me when I say this, it doesn'tmatter how much you achieve in
your life.
It's the man, who you are dad,and if you're a mom, the woman
you truly are and how you reallysee yourself determines a lot
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of how we react in situationsand things are going.
I'll kind of bring it topresent day reality.
Have you ever wondered why?
You know, if you're fromAmerica, you're probably
watching.
We're in the midst of apresidential election Congress,
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senate and we've never been morepolarized as a nation and just
the vitriol in both camps backand forth has been enormous.
And yet I've coached numbers ofmy friends that are following
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and supporting us in ministryhere to where their families
have been split because ofpolitics.
Because of politics, and asthough you know, especially if
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you're a follower of Jesus andtalk about politics, they treat
you with even more disdain ifthey're from maybe the opposite
point of view in politics.
Have you ever wondered whythere's so much heat in all of
that and I discovered this awhile ago and it really helped
me understand and how to becompassionate with people that
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are, you know, part of our story, part of my family, my friends
who maybe have differentpolitical views, et cetera is
that when you make your identityyour political party boy,
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you've taken a step into anabyss.
I mean, you know, people ask meall the time are you Republican
, democrat, etc.
And I smile at them.
I said, no, my name is Ed.
Who are you?
No, no, no, no.
How do you vote?
And it's like this idea that ifyou are not left or right, or
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center, or progressive orconservative or et cetera, it's
interesting how those have nowbecome personal identities in
the world and based on yourparty, it's like you've got to
toe this line.
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It's like you've got to toethis line.
And if other people believesomething different, we don't
agree to disagree anymore.
People begin to demonize oneanother, we begin to hate that
other person We've never metthem, we've never been there
because that identity affectsyou.
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And so if you're suffering frompolitical disarrangement
syndrome, which we seem to havea lot of, and the only cure for
that is to rediscover in a freshway who God has called you to
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be, as either one of his sons orone of his daughters, and that
is the only stabilizing placethat's safe for us, that keeps
us in a place where our heartsare free to love whoever God
brings our way To, where wedon't see people you know
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based—it's almost like the newracism in the world right now is
politics, by way, you believe,because racism has been such an
ugly thing around the world.
It touched us in all differentkinds of ways and you know, the
issue is that God's made us tonot get our identity from these
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external factors that can limitus in relationship with people
that we could have incredibleencounters with and change the
world with.
Because if your identity isonly couched in your race and
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that makes you superior orinferior in identity, then, boy,
you're going to spend a wholelife on a treadmill to try to
change that.
I mean, my best friend in theworld that we met on a high
school football field, brianHolloway, is in the midst of,
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you know, preparing his houseright now for a hurricane,
preparing this house right nowfor a hurricane.
And when that hurricane comesin, it's not going to, you know,
it doesn't go after a certainpeople, group, man, it's been
destructive, the one that justhappened last week.
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As a matter of fact, I wasplanning on doing this anyway
For anybody that's joining us,would you just take a moment
with me right now?
We're talking about identityright now and we're going to get
back into that, but my heart isjust really heavy about
everything that's been going onin the southeast of our country
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and these hurricanes andeverything, and so, instead of
worry and fret and all theseother kind of things, would you
just pray with me right now andlet's just do that together?
Father, I just pray right nowfor my friends that are watching
, and maybe they are in theSouth right now, maybe they are
in Florida.
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I have a number of friends thatnormally come and come to our
coaching time online everyTuesday night and I pray, father
, that you would push, turn thisstorm away.
Father, I pray in the name ofJesus.
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I pray that you would protect,you know, so many millions of
people that are right in thewake of this storm.
I pray in the name of Jesus,right now, that you would change
the storm, you'd push it back,that you would give wisdom to
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Governor DeSantis, you wouldgive wisdom to the town leaders
and the mayors and the councilsand the people in those places
and you would protect them.
Lord, you would protect myfamily back in Tennessee, my two
sons, my grandkids there, lord,they're incredible lives that
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they have.
Protect Brian and his familyand all those families that you
might have and you might berelated to.
So, father, I pray right nowthat you would do what you need
to do for the sake of all thesefamilies, and we speak to
this—woke up this morning withthis verse where Jesus, in the
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midst of a storm, asleep in theboat, disciples thinking the
boat was going to sink.
He wakes up from his boat and hejust prays, and his prayer
wasn't a long prayer.
His prayer that he praised wasbasically he said be quiet and
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the storm ceased.
Jesus, would you speak to thestorm?
And we speak with you in Jesusname and ask you, lord, to do
what you need to do, and we pray, lord, that not a single life
is lost, that Father, you wouldprotect Florida.
Father and Lord, you wouldprepare them and give people
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wisdom right now, in the name ofJesus.
And all God's people said Amen,be praying for this.
I mean, this is a currentreality that we're facing right
now.
Current reality that we'refacing right now.
And so how do you get clearabout who God has called you to
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be?
Well, there's a verse in 2Corinthians, 6, 18, and God says
and Paul is quoting two versesfrom the Old Testament he says
and God says and I will be afather to you and you will be my
sons and daughters, says theLord, god Almighty.
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There's something that happenswhen you begin to discover God
is your father in a new andfresh way.
Is your Father in a new andfresh way?
Because, with that andconnecting to Him as a Father in
your life, to Christ,identities exchange from Him to
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you about how he sees who youare, and that was that's what
changed my life.
What changed me more thananything else in my life after
receiving Christ in my life wasencountering God, the Father.
That's why I wrote this bookthat we're talking through right
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now.
The Father You've Always Wantedand it's my story, and it's my
story and what the Bible is.
How can you connect to theFather in such a way to where
you don't have to live out thebroken story of your dad and you
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maybe have heard it said that.
You know that many times it'sthe sins of the fathers that
kind of visit three and fourgenerations.
We don't have to live out thebrokenness of our family stories
.
But Christ came so that you andI could have a new beginning
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and discover who he has calledus to be and to do what he has
called us to do.
And so how do you get that?
Well, you have to receive Him.
Identity is transferred when webegin to discover who Jesus is
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in our life.
It's not about being religiousor being good that God gives
more favor to one person oranother Boy.
What a treadmill that is.
How many would shout hallelujahon that one?
It happens at the moment whenyou learn to do one thing with
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God, the Father and His Son,that will revolutionize your
life.
And here it is, when you go toHim to discover who he's called
you to be.
He's the maker of heaven andearth.
He's the one who formed you.
He's the one that you know.
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David quoted in Psalms that knewyou before you were born.
He is the one that you knowspoke to young Jeremiah and said
, before you were born, I knewyou.
I knit you together in yourmother's womb, so you were
perfectly made by God.
Get you together in yourmother's womb, so you were
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perfectly made by God.
You were designed for a purposeand a discovery of a life that
he has for you.
That no trophies.
Hear me when I say this.
No great moments or even badmoments can limit who God has
made you to be when you turn toHim.
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And the only way that I havebeen able to get off that
treadmill of production, becauseI learned at a very young age
that if I was going to have theVataboys from my dad the only
dad I really knew my stepdad,dan McGlotson, you know, who did
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the best he could and gave usall he could.
He was a military submarinecommander.
Commander of a submarine wasthat I had to live every day
like a winner, was that I had tolive every day like a winner.
Well, the problem with that isthat we got a lot of days that
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aren't wins.
If we could put them on ascoreboard, then who are we when
we're not living up to whateverthat is?
I meet men all the time who youknow.
They're still waiting for thebreakthrough to come.
That just seems so elusive tothem, and they go to bed at
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night just not with wow, what agreat day.
I had to serve the Lord andserve my family and work hard.
They come away with this kindof man.
I could have done so much more.
And when you're in that place,there's one thing that you don't
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do very well anyway.
You say you don't rest, and youknow I remember our first, one
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of our first trips to Hawaii wasso exciting being there,
smelling the coconut breezes andlove that place so much.
But we put hundreds of miles onour rental car On an island
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that wasn't very big at all andI needed a vacation from my
vacation and it was because Iwas on this treadmill.
You find yourself on atreadmill right now with your
family, with work, witheverything.
I just want to invite you totake a deep breath with me right
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now and just to bring yourcurrent life and current state
of who you are to the Lord andlet Him give you something
different.
Now the Bible says to cast yourcares upon Jesus.
Cast your cares upon me.
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You know he has this capacityin his heart to carry us through
our lives, through the mostunbearable things, because he
went through everything for uslives, through the most
unbearable things because hewent through everything for us.
And in exchange of when we getwith Him, there's an exchange of
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His presence into our life asmen, as women, for your sons and
your daughters, and the reasonwhy this is so important for us
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to even just talk about thissubject is that who you are and
the way you do your life is theway your children are going to
live out their story.
And if you've got kids rightnow, you're looking at a mirror
image of who you are dad and whoyou are mom.
I mean, they are genetically50% of you, but the way they
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handle life and stress andthings, they've learned a lot
from you and it can be agreat—it's such a great gift to
not only have children but to beable to understand and connect
more to God, the Father yourself.
And so tonight is a little bitshorter and a little bit more,
you know, rambling on, becausepart of it is that my heart has
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really been in prayer all dayabout what's going on, not only
in our country, politically andwith people, but what's going on
in Florida right now there'sanother hurricane coming and the
other part is what's going onwith you, my friend, and your
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story and the things that Godwants to do in your life.
And so I want to close with ashort prayer and invite you just
to answer that question I askedright in the beginning how do
you see yourself?
How do you see yourself?
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What was the name that you cameaway your childhood with, and
are you still living that waystill trying to prove yourself
to your father.
Maybe he's even long gone andhe's in heaven and not on earth.
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You're still trying to proveyourself.
And why is that so important tochange?
We talked about that Becauseyour children are watching and
getting the same download fromyou.
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And, boy, that's a powerful day.
That's a powerful day when youbegin to understand the
difference you can really makeas a parent, as a mom or dad,
when your core identity is notin your family structure but
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your core identity is in who Godsays you are, as one of his
beloved sons or beloveddaughters.
Imagine the healing, therevolutionary healing that would
happen to our young peopletoday if they weren't trying to
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find their identities much inthe same way we did, or from the
broken culture now that'scoming in.
And really, who's really behindit is that the devil himself
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wants to name us by ourbrokenness, by our sexual
appetites, by our failures.
He's really good at doing that.
He'd love it if you nameyourself by your wins and your
successes, because then he canuse that in your life for his
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own propaganda machine and getother people pushing and pushing
so they can be like you, andthe only cure for that is the
risen Christ himself, who neverlived his life in discovery of
who he was, because he had thatblessing from his Father and he
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made his life about everybodythat came his way.
Does not sound better.
I'd love any questions you mighthave you can send me.
You can email me tonight.
Questions you might have youcan send me.
You can email me tonight If youwant to connect.
Maybe you don't have this bookthat we're talking about and you
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can go right now tothefatherdifferencecom.
We have a free book for anybodythat's watching the Difference a
Father Makes, which is rightnow in over 200 countries around
the world.
I'm so grateful that it's there.
If you've not gotten a copy, wewant to send that to you and if
you want to join us on our talkand I highly recommend you get
(38:18):
this for you and your wife rightnow is to read this book.
Sorry, I got it upside down.
It's the Father You've AlwaysWanted and you can get that from
our website.
I think I heard it sold out onAmazon and so we're going to be
in the reprinting phase on thatbook as well, but we have plenty
(38:42):
in our warehouse, so we'd loveto send you book as well, but we
have plenty in our warehouse sowe'd love to send you and it's
a tremendous book to help youconnect to the really to the
Father you've always wanted andreally the Father that we all
need in our lives.
And when he said, I'll be afather to you and you'll be my
sons and daughters, says theLord.
God Almighty is that God hasactively been approaching you
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through what he did with his sonto father you in a way, to help
you discover who he's calledyou to be, so that you can
complete and do everything he'smade your life for, your
spouse's life, for yourchildren's life for, and your
grandchildren and man when theyget it.
(39:26):
Wow, what a powerful thing.
So let's pray, father, I thankyou for my friends.
I thank you that they'rejoining me tonight, in the midst
of this time.
We lift up to you all thethings that our hearts are
filled with, all those places oftrying to name ourselves by
(39:46):
what we do, that treadmill oflife that we get on, and I pray
for my friends right now and Ipray that you would visit them
right where they are and helpthem discover who you have
called them to be.
I thank you, lord, for thosethat are following us regularly.
I ask you to bless them.
We also lift up our friends inFlorida.
(40:08):
We lift up their families.
We ask you to protect them.
We ask you to be with them,father.
In the name of Jesus, we prayfor wisdom down there and we
speak, we come together and wespeak to the storm.
In the name of Jesus, milton,stop it, and we pray, lord, that
(40:30):
you would push it back.
And then they're calling it thestorm of the century.
Lord, I pray that you would dowhat you can do, jesus, and
speak to this storm and blow itout.
Even from this moment, in thename of Jesus, we ask you to do
this and I ask you, father, totouch my friends and to help
(40:57):
them discover, every single day,the incredible plan you have
for their life, to be with them,to fill them, to give them hope
, to give them a future.
In the name of Jesus, I prayAmen, thank you.
Thank you for being here.
We're going to be back next week, same time, same place.
(41:19):
Make sure you get this book.
We're finishing up chapter four.
We're going to be on chapterfive.
Whoops, here we go.
Artificial visual training.
I did not get in high school.
Anyway, I'm so grateful thatyou're here.
Thank you for your support,thank you for your prayers for
us and what we're doing.
And, yeah, keep praying for usA lot of people we're trying to
(41:43):
reach.
We got a number of things on ourwebsite at
thefatherdifferencecom for you afree devotional things that
maybe you want a daily way toconnect.
Well, we have one that will getsent to you every single day.
All you got to do is sign upright now and you can have
access to that and it'll come toyou every single morning just
(42:07):
to help you, through God's Word,hear the voice of the Father
better and the voice of Jesus ina way that will change you,
mold you, shape you and let youknow you're not alone.
Bless you.
My friends Praying for youCan't wait to see you soon.
We'll let you know when ourconferences come in your area.
(42:30):
We'd love to meet with you andhave you be a part of that as
well.
Lord bless you, praying for you.
Keep praying about this stormand the peace of Israel.
Lord, continue that there aswell.
In Jesus' name, amen.
Okay, I think we are live.
Okay, we are live.
Welcome.
Tonight we're going to talkabout the whole question what
did your father name you?
What was the name?
(00:29):
You got away from your childhoodand I had to really find
freedom from the performancetrap that it's so easy for us to
get our identity from our namefrom.
And the only problem with theperformance trap is that what if
(00:56):
you lose that role or you'renot connected in life to maybe
the core of who you think thatyou've been called to be?
You think that you've beencalled to be and you know that's
.
It's so problematic for us inour life if the core identity of
our life has to be made up allthe time.
Matter of fact, we live in aworld where the core identity of
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people is discovered every day.
Online.
People are looking constantlyfor who am I?
How is my life going to bedifferent?
And so the problem is is thatif you're not really clear about
who you are, you'll get intothis cycle of performing
(01:37):
constantly.
And tonight we're going to talkabout finding freedom from the
performance trap in your life.
I'm your host, ed T-McLanson.
I'm so grateful that you'rejoining us from different places
.
Every week we come together.
We have people from differentparts of the world with all
kinds of things happening, andwe have some crazy times that
(02:00):
we're living in right now in theUnited States of America.
If that's your country, oryou're visiting from Canada, I'd
love to hear about you andwhere you're from.
You can send me a comment, ornot, of discovering and really
(02:24):
being able to break through withthis whole idea about your core
identity.
So let's get started.
So, when you think about yourchildhood and your relationship
with your dad, with your mom,your relationship with your dad,
(02:49):
with your mom, and discoveringwho you are, how would you name
yourself?
What is that core identity thatyou came away from your
childhood with?
Was it something you did?
(03:11):
Was it a hobby?
Was it an athletic event?
For me, it was about playing inthe National Football League.
Being an athlete and based onhow you name yourself really
determines kind of what you giveyour heart to and how you live
your life for.
And that can be so problematicif you don't reach those goals
(03:32):
or connect with really who you,you know, really think you're
supposed to be.
And you know I meet people allthe time.
You know in our coachingbusiness and what we're doing
here in our ministry, here inour nonprofit, where people are
really not clear about who God'smade them to be.
(03:52):
So they're constantly shifting,they're constantly looking for
who they are.
They come away they came awayfrom their childhood many times
with gigantic big question marksabout personal identity and
they're constantly looking.
They choose spouses many timesbecause they put into that
(04:16):
moment in their wedding thatthat person is going to really
help me discover who I am andit's great to make a great
choice.
But how do you get off thattreadmill where you're
constantly evaluating yourselfwith everybody else around you?
You can feel really great aboutyourself until you find
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somebody who does the same thingyou do and they're so much
farther along than you are.
And one of the symptoms ofsomebody that's kind of in that
performance trap in your life isthat they don't rest very well.
They're constantly driving andpushing and ambition and you
(04:58):
know, maximizing your life andeverything that you've been
called to be and do is a greatthing.
But what's the expense to otherpeople when they begin to feel
as though they are more a partof your story being complete
(05:20):
than you being able to bepresent and really make it about
them, than you being able to bepresent and really make it
about them.
I learned this when being afather in the early days.
I remember coming home fromwork and ministry and my travels
, and my children would meet meat the door with his daddy's
(05:41):
home and I had to be reallycareful because little Luke
would run up to me with his headdown and right and turn
sideways he could knock me out,if you know what I mean and they
were waiting for me, as a dad,to be present with them, helping
them, you know, with whateverthey needed to.
But the real question with mychildren was a question I was
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raised up with so much in mylife and that is hey, dad, who
do you think I am?
Your kids are constantlylooking at you and I don't know
how many of you had done kidswho do crazy stuff, but they're
constantly looking towards youto find out what you think about
them.
And why is that?
(06:27):
Because, dads, you carryidentity in you.
Even moms, they have thisability to you know, either make
their children's chests go outor their heads bow low by the
way they use their words and thethings that they do.
(06:48):
And one of the secrets of beinga great parent and even being a
great spouse, or if you'resingle and you're dating
somebody, is to make thatrelationship completely about
that other person and not justabout you, and one of the things
that happens when you make itabout you and you're constantly
trying to discover who you areis that many times your
(07:11):
relationships.
I was with this guy the otherday in a coaching session and he
really wanted to find the rightgirl in his life and they get
married and everything else.
And so as I began to interviewhim and ask him a few basic
questions, I determined rightaway he was looking for a girl.
(07:31):
That made him look better, andmy comment to him was well, as
soon as you find her, you'regoing to find a flaw with her,
and then you'll probably tradeher in for another one Because
you're not clear about who youare.
So when I asked you thatquestion who has God made you to
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be and how do you see yourself?
Do you see yourself as missingit in life?
Do you see yourself as brokenin some ways?
Are you really clear about whoGod has called you to be?
Are you clear about what Godhas called you to do?
(08:14):
All those questions Godpromises to answer.
And he does answer in this book, in the Bible.
And he does answer in this bookin the Bible.
And the better you are atunderstanding who God says you
are and living out of that, thedifferent—let me say it this way
(08:40):
your heart changes from tryingto find out who you are and
making your life about yourselfto living your life like Jesus
did, where he was constantlyliving so that other people
could discover who God, theFather, wanted them to be.
And that's a sweet spot for you, that's a sweet spot for me,
(09:05):
that's a sweet spot for me.
And so how do you come to thatplace?
How do you escape thatperformance trap where you never
rest because you're alwaysgoing for the next thing?
I remember when I first began tounderstand these things and I
(09:28):
was before I even wrote my firstbook I was on an escalator, one
of those moving walkways to theairport, and I was walking.
And what I love about thosethings is it helps an old geezer
(09:49):
like me to get to a planereally quickly.
And I'm following a guy who'son his telephone and I'm
bouncing up and down.
You know, they've made it.
It's a really fascinatinginvention.
The walkway is metal, yet itbounces.
And so when you walk on it,whoever is in front of you or
(10:11):
behind you especially if you'rea retired NFL football player is
bouncing on that moving walkwaywith you as you're going
towards your plane.
And there's a guy on the phonewho sort of turned around and
noses me.
But I listened in on hisconversation and he's talking to
his wife.
I can tell by that, by the wayhe's talking.
(10:33):
And I overheard him say.
He says I know I know I haven'tmade a game all year long for
my son, but you know, honey,this next deal, if I can just
get to this next deal in my life, we're going to get the
(10:54):
breakthrough that we need and Ipromise I'll make the rest of
the games.
And I can just hear theinflection in his voice and how.
You know he was reallyconflicted.
But he was on that treadmillman.
He was going to the next city,he was getting ready to get on
(11:16):
the airplane and he was going tomiss that fathering moment with
his son that he had not had yetthis year.
And so we come off the end ofthe moving escalator and he
turns around and looks at me andhe says did you just hear that
(11:37):
and I said, yeah, I did.
I mean, that's pretty obvious.
You feel conflicted about goingto the next place.
And I looked at him and I said,sir, you know you can get this
deal and make all the money inthe world, but if you lose the
(11:57):
heart of your son, you're goingto feel like the poorest man in
your neighborhood.
And he looks at me and it juststrikes him and he smiles at me
and I just saw the light bulbsgo off in his head and he turns
(12:17):
around and gets on the escalatoron the way out of the airport.
He discovered something in thatmoment.
He discovered probably thesweetest spot that we can have
in our lives is followers ofJesus, and that is when we pay
(12:41):
attention to what God is callingus to and we begin to live our
lives for the sake of the peoplethat God has given us to love.
And one of the ways you canreally find out about what that
core identity or name is in yourown life is to look at the way
(13:07):
you respond to your children andlook at the way you father them
.
Or maybe you're a mom watching.
Look at the way you mother yourchildren, because we begin
fathering, having children.
Children is a beautiful thing,but one of the gifts that God
(13:30):
gives us in the midst of being afather or a mother is— and the
way we father them says a lotabout what we believe.
And I'm not just talking aboutChristian ethics and teaching
them right from wrong and how togo for life and build goals,
but we transfer to them the waywe deal with ourselves in our
(13:58):
own hearts.
Right, I mean, you can't, as afather or a mother, say, son,
listen to me, don't do what I do, do what I say.
We're not able to say thatbecause our children's model of
the way they do their lifethey're constantly looking at
(14:21):
you and they're constantlylooking at me and the very same
ways that we live out our story.
And here's the here's the thingthat that is incredibly
powerful to me when I learnedthis is that my sons even did my
(14:42):
life.
The way I did things when theyweren't even around.
It's like who I was as a man inthe dark that my children
wasn't privy to, became theplace of strength or weakness
(15:03):
that I lived in in my life.
And when I didn't rest and whenI didn't, you know, spend time
with them, when I was constantlydriving myself.
I remember in early yearswatching my own children live
the same way, same way, and sowhat I was transferring to them
(15:32):
wasn't this security that I hadfound in the Lord.
I was transferring thistreadmill and I was watching how
it was affecting them and theway they were driving themselves
, and then the way my childrenbegan to compete with one
another.
In the family, everyone'strying to get to the next level,
(15:54):
trying to outdo one another,and competition in itself isn't
wrong or evil.
But when your core identitygets broken because they never
discover who God's really madethem to be, because their dad
never discovered that, thenyou're giving them the same
(16:15):
treadmill and the result of thathappens is that you know, and
I'm going to tell you, there arethings that I have had to go to
my children about and ask forforgiveness for, in patterns and
ways that I treated them.
(16:35):
That boy brought sometremendous healing with my kids
when I was able to really dealin honesty with them.
You know what I'm talking aboutthose places in your life where
you are still.
You're pushing to break through, pushing to arrive, and believe
(17:03):
me when I say this, it doesn'tmatter how much you achieve in
your life.
It's the man, who you are dad,and if you're a mom, the woman
you truly are and how you reallysee yourself determines a lot
(17:23):
of how we react in situationsand things are going.
I'll kind of bring it topresent day reality.
Have you ever wondered why?
You know, if you're fromAmerica, you're probably
watching.
We're in the midst of apresidential election Congress,
(17:48):
senate and we've never been morepolarized as a nation and just
the vitriol in both camps backand forth has been enormous.
And yet I've coached numbers ofmy friends that are following
(18:12):
and supporting us in ministryhere to where their families
have been split because ofpolitics.
Because of politics, and asthough you know, especially if
(18:34):
you're a follower of Jesus andtalk about politics, they treat
you with even more disdain ifthey're from maybe the opposite
point of view in politics.
Have you ever wondered whythere's so much heat in all of
that and I discovered this awhile ago and it really helped
me understand and how to becompassionate with people that
(18:57):
are, you know, part of our story, part of my family, my friends
who maybe have differentpolitical views, et cetera is
that when you make your identityyour political party boy,
(19:18):
you've taken a step into anabyss.
I mean, you know, people ask meall the time are you Republican
, democrat, etc.
And I smile at them.
I said, no, my name is Ed.
Who are you?
No, no, no, no.
How do you vote?
And it's like this idea that ifyou are not left or right, or
(19:43):
center, or progressive orconservative or et cetera, it's
interesting how those have nowbecome personal identities in
the world and based on yourparty, it's like you've got to
toe this line.
(20:03):
It's like you've got to toethis line.
And if other people believesomething different, we don't
agree to disagree anymore.
People begin to demonize oneanother, we begin to hate that
other person We've never metthem, we've never been there
because that identity affectsyou.
(20:24):
And so if you're suffering frompolitical disarrangement
syndrome, which we seem to havea lot of, and the only cure for
that is to rediscover in a freshway who God has called you to
(20:47):
be, as either one of his sons orone of his daughters, and that
is the only stabilizing placethat's safe for us, that keeps
us in a place where our heartsare free to love whoever God
brings our way To, where wedon't see people you know
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based—it's almost like the newracism in the world right now is
politics, by way, you believe,because racism has been such an
ugly thing around the world.
It touched us in all differentkinds of ways and you know, the
issue is that God's made us tonot get our identity from these
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external factors that can limitus in relationship with people
that we could have incredibleencounters with and change the
world with.
Because if your identity isonly couched in your race and
(21:57):
that makes you superior orinferior in identity, then, boy,
you're going to spend a wholelife on a treadmill to try to
change that.
I mean, my best friend in theworld that we met on a high
school football field, brianHolloway, is in the midst of,
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you know, preparing his houseright now for a hurricane,
preparing this house right nowfor a hurricane.
And when that hurricane comesin, it's not going to, you know,
it doesn't go after a certainpeople, group, man, it's been
destructive, the one that justhappened last week.
(22:45):
As a matter of fact, I wasplanning on doing this anyway
For anybody that's joining us,would you just take a moment
with me right now?
We're talking about identityright now and we're going to get
back into that, but my heart isjust really heavy about
everything that's been going onin the southeast of our country
(23:10):
and these hurricanes andeverything, and so, instead of
worry and fret and all theseother kind of things, would you
just pray with me right now andlet's just do that together?
Father, I just pray right nowfor my friends that are watching
, and maybe they are in theSouth right now, maybe they are
in Florida.
(23:31):
I have a number of friends thatnormally come and come to our
coaching time online everyTuesday night and I pray, father
, that you would push, turn thisstorm away.
Father, I pray in the name ofJesus.
(23:51):
I pray that you would protect,you know, so many millions of
people that are right in thewake of this storm.
I pray in the name of Jesus,right now, that you would change
the storm, you'd push it back,that you would give wisdom to
(24:15):
Governor DeSantis, you wouldgive wisdom to the town leaders
and the mayors and the councilsand the people in those places
and you would protect them.
Lord, you would protect myfamily back in Tennessee, my two
sons, my grandkids there, lord,they're incredible lives that
(24:38):
they have.
Protect Brian and his familyand all those families that you
might have and you might berelated to.
So, father, I pray right nowthat you would do what you need
to do for the sake of all thesefamilies, and we speak to
this—woke up this morning withthis verse where Jesus, in the
(25:01):
midst of a storm, asleep in theboat, disciples thinking the
boat was going to sink.
He wakes up from his boat and hejust prays, and his prayer
wasn't a long prayer.
His prayer that he praised wasbasically he said be quiet and
(25:24):
the storm ceased.
Jesus, would you speak to thestorm?
And we speak with you in Jesusname and ask you, lord, to do
what you need to do, and we pray, lord, that not a single life
is lost, that Father, you wouldprotect Florida.
Father and Lord, you wouldprepare them and give people
(25:50):
wisdom right now, in the name ofJesus.
And all God's people said Amen,be praying for this.
I mean, this is a currentreality that we're facing right
now.
Current reality that we'refacing right now.
And so how do you get clearabout who God has called you to
(26:12):
be?
Well, there's a verse in 2Corinthians, 6, 18, and God says
and Paul is quoting two versesfrom the Old Testament he says
and God says and I will be afather to you and you will be my
sons and daughters, says theLord, god Almighty.
(26:34):
There's something that happenswhen you begin to discover God
is your father in a new andfresh way.
Is your Father in a new andfresh way?
Because, with that andconnecting to Him as a Father in
your life, to Christ,identities exchange from Him to
(26:56):
you about how he sees who youare, and that was that's what
changed my life.
What changed me more thananything else in my life after
receiving Christ in my life wasencountering God, the Father.
That's why I wrote this bookthat we're talking through right
(27:16):
now.
The Father You've Always Wantedand it's my story, and it's my
story and what the Bible is.
How can you connect to theFather in such a way to where
you don't have to live out thebroken story of your dad and you
(27:39):
maybe have heard it said that.
You know that many times it'sthe sins of the fathers that
kind of visit three and fourgenerations.
We don't have to live out thebrokenness of our family stories
.
But Christ came so that you andI could have a new beginning
(28:00):
and discover who he has calledus to be and to do what he has
called us to do.
And so how do you get that?
Well, you have to receive Him.
Identity is transferred when webegin to discover who Jesus is
(28:21):
in our life.
It's not about being religiousor being good that God gives
more favor to one person oranother Boy.
What a treadmill that is.
How many would shout hallelujahon that one?
It happens at the moment whenyou learn to do one thing with
(28:44):
God, the Father and His Son,that will revolutionize your
life.
And here it is, when you go toHim to discover who he's called
you to be.
He's the maker of heaven andearth.
He's the one who formed you.
He's the one that you know.
(29:06):
David quoted in Psalms that knewyou before you were born.
He is the one that you knowspoke to young Jeremiah and said
, before you were born, I knewyou.
I knit you together in yourmother's womb, so you were
perfectly made by God.
Get you together in yourmother's womb, so you were
(29:26):
perfectly made by God.
You were designed for a purposeand a discovery of a life that
he has for you.
That no trophies.
Hear me when I say this.
No great moments or even badmoments can limit who God has
made you to be when you turn toHim.
(29:48):
And the only way that I havebeen able to get off that
treadmill of production, becauseI learned at a very young age
that if I was going to have theVataboys from my dad the only
dad I really knew my stepdad,dan McGlotson, you know, who did
(30:11):
the best he could and gave usall he could.
He was a military submarinecommander.
Commander of a submarine wasthat I had to live every day
like a winner, was that I had tolive every day like a winner.
Well, the problem with that isthat we got a lot of days that
(30:31):
aren't wins.
If we could put them on ascoreboard, then who are we when
we're not living up to whateverthat is?
I meet men all the time who youknow.
They're still waiting for thebreakthrough to come.
That just seems so elusive tothem, and they go to bed at
(30:54):
night just not with wow, what agreat day.
I had to serve the Lord andserve my family and work hard.
They come away with this kindof man.
I could have done so much more.
And when you're in that place,there's one thing that you don't
(31:14):
do very well anyway.
You say you don't rest, and youknow I remember our first, one
(31:45):
of our first trips to Hawaii wasso exciting being there,
smelling the coconut breezes andlove that place so much.
But we put hundreds of miles onour rental car On an island
(32:06):
that wasn't very big at all andI needed a vacation from my
vacation and it was because Iwas on this treadmill.
You find yourself on atreadmill right now with your
family, with work, witheverything.
I just want to invite you totake a deep breath with me right
(32:29):
now and just to bring yourcurrent life and current state
of who you are to the Lord andlet Him give you something
different.
Now the Bible says to cast yourcares upon Jesus.
Cast your cares upon me.
(32:50):
You know he has this capacityin his heart to carry us through
our lives, through the mostunbearable things, because he
went through everything for uslives, through the most
unbearable things because hewent through everything for us.
And in exchange of when we getwith Him, there's an exchange of
(33:10):
His presence into our life asmen, as women, for your sons and
your daughters, and the reasonwhy this is so important for us
(33:33):
to even just talk about thissubject is that who you are and
the way you do your life is theway your children are going to
live out their story.
And if you've got kids rightnow, you're looking at a mirror
image of who you are dad and whoyou are mom.
I mean, they are genetically50% of you, but the way they
(33:53):
handle life and stress andthings, they've learned a lot
from you and it can be agreat—it's such a great gift to
not only have children but to beable to understand and connect
more to God, the Father yourself.
And so tonight is a little bitshorter and a little bit more,
you know, rambling on, becausepart of it is that my heart has
(34:21):
really been in prayer all dayabout what's going on, not only
in our country, politically andwith people, but what's going on
in Florida right now there'sanother hurricane coming and the
other part is what's going onwith you, my friend, and your
(34:44):
story and the things that Godwants to do in your life.
And so I want to close with ashort prayer and invite you just
to answer that question I askedright in the beginning how do
you see yourself?
How do you see yourself?
(35:05):
What was the name that you cameaway your childhood with, and
are you still living that waystill trying to prove yourself
to your father.
Maybe he's even long gone andhe's in heaven and not on earth.
(35:26):
You're still trying to proveyourself.
And why is that so important tochange?
We talked about that Becauseyour children are watching and
getting the same download fromyou.
(35:46):
And, boy, that's a powerful day.
That's a powerful day when youbegin to understand the
difference you can really makeas a parent, as a mom or dad,
when your core identity is notin your family structure but
(36:09):
your core identity is in who Godsays you are, as one of his
beloved sons or beloveddaughters.
Imagine the healing, therevolutionary healing that would
happen to our young peopletoday if they weren't trying to
(36:30):
find their identities much inthe same way we did, or from the
broken culture now that'scoming in.
And really, who's really behindit is that the devil himself
(36:51):
wants to name us by ourbrokenness, by our sexual
appetites, by our failures.
He's really good at doing that.
He'd love it if you nameyourself by your wins and your
successes, because then he canuse that in your life for his
(37:12):
own propaganda machine and getother people pushing and pushing
so they can be like you, andthe only cure for that is the
risen Christ himself, who neverlived his life in discovery of
who he was, because he had thatblessing from his Father and he
(37:33):
made his life about everybodythat came his way.
Does not sound better.
I'd love any questions you mighthave you can send me.
You can email me tonight.
Questions you might have youcan send me.
You can email me tonight If youwant to connect.
Maybe you don't have this bookthat we're talking about and you
(37:56):
can go right now tothefatherdifferencecom.
We have a free book for anybodythat's watching the Difference a
Father Makes, which is rightnow in over 200 countries around
the world.
I'm so grateful that it's there.
If you've not gotten a copy, wewant to send that to you and if
you want to join us on our talkand I highly recommend you get
(38:18):
this for you and your wife rightnow is to read this book.
Sorry, I got it upside down.
It's the Father You've AlwaysWanted and you can get that from
our website.
I think I heard it sold out onAmazon and so we're going to be
in the reprinting phase on thatbook as well, but we have plenty
(38:42):
in our warehouse, so we'd loveto send you book as well, but we
have plenty in our warehouse sowe'd love to send you and it's
a tremendous book to help youconnect to the really to the
Father you've always wanted andreally the Father that we all
need in our lives.
And when he said, I'll be afather to you and you'll be my
sons and daughters, says theLord.
God Almighty is that God hasactively been approaching you
(39:04):
through what he did with his sonto father you in a way, to help
you discover who he's calledyou to be, so that you can
complete and do everything he'smade your life for, your
spouse's life, for yourchildren's life for, and your
grandchildren and man when theyget it.
(39:26):
Wow, what a powerful thing.
So let's pray, father, I thankyou for my friends.
I thank you that they'rejoining me tonight, in the midst
of this time.
We lift up to you all thethings that our hearts are
filled with, all those places oftrying to name ourselves by
(39:46):
what we do, that treadmill oflife that we get on, and I pray
for my friends right now and Ipray that you would visit them
right where they are and helpthem discover who you have
called them to be.
I thank you, lord, for thosethat are following us regularly.
I ask you to bless them.
We also lift up our friends inFlorida.
(40:08):
We lift up their families.
We ask you to protect them.
We ask you to be with them,father.
In the name of Jesus, we prayfor wisdom down there and we
speak, we come together and wespeak to the storm.
In the name of Jesus, milton,stop it, and we pray, lord, that
(40:30):
you would push it back.
And then they're calling it thestorm of the century.
Lord, I pray that you would dowhat you can do, jesus, and
speak to this storm and blow itout.
Even from this moment, in thename of Jesus, we ask you to do
this and I ask you, father, totouch my friends and to help
(40:57):
them discover, every single day,the incredible plan you have
for their life, to be with them,to fill them, to give them hope
, to give them a future.
In the name of Jesus, I prayAmen, thank you.
Thank you for being here.
We're going to be back next week, same time, same place.
(41:19):
Make sure you get this book.
We're finishing up chapter four.
We're going to be on chapterfive.
Whoops, here we go.
Artificial visual training.
I did not get in high school.
Anyway, I'm so grateful thatyou're here.
Thank you for your support,thank you for your prayers for
us and what we're doing.
And, yeah, keep praying for usA lot of people we're trying to
(41:43):
reach.
We got a number of things on ourwebsite at
thefatherdifferencecom for you afree devotional things that
maybe you want a daily way toconnect.
Well, we have one that will getsent to you every single day.
All you got to do is sign upright now and you can have
access to that and it'll come toyou every single morning just
(42:07):
to help you, through God's Word,hear the voice of the Father
better and the voice of Jesus ina way that will change you,
mold you, shape you and let youknow you're not alone.
Bless you.
My friends Praying for youCan't wait to see you soon.
We'll let you know when ourconferences come in your area.
(42:30):
We'd love to meet with you andhave you be a part of that as
well.
Lord bless you, praying for you.
Keep praying about this stormand the peace of Israel.
Lord, continue that there aswell.
In Jesus' name, amen.
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