August 17, 2023 • 49 mins
What if you could make a positive impact on your children that would last for generations?
What does it mean to be a father in today's world, and how can we best embrace this vital role as a dad? What does it mean to be a father in today's world, and how can we best embrace this crucial role?
I had the pleasure of sitting down with Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family, to discuss these questions. Together, we examined the challenges modern families face, the confusion stemming from various spheres of life, and the impact of fathers on their children's lives. Dr. Hureta shared his inspiring personal fatherhood journey and how it deepened his marriage, providing invaluable insights for fathers and couples alike.
No matter where you are in your fatherhood journey, this conversation promises to be a helpful guide filled with practical tips, heartfelt stories, and profound insights. So, let's dive into this dynamic exploration of fatherhood together.
Ready to be the parent or grandparent you’ve always dreamed of becoming? Subscribe and Tune into my podcast each week, and check out my resources, heartfelt encouragement, and practical tools to help you make a lasting impact on the ones you love most. Click this link below:
https://www.thefatherdifference.com/links
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Father Difference Podcast.
I'm your host, ed McClathson.
I am so grateful you're here.
Make sure that you subscribe toour podcast channel so that you
can get the latest shows thatwe're gonna be putting up weekly
.
You don't wanna miss one, myfriend, because God has made you
to make an amazing differencein the life of your family.
(00:24):
God bless you.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Dads.
Some of them decide they'regonna be best friends with their
kids and so it's more ofplaying, less guidance.
And then you have some dadsthat it's all about rules and
work and they're trying tocompensate for things that may
be missing there and they missout on the relational aspect of
conversation and love andaffection, and so it's an
(00:46):
unbalanced dad that shows up.
It's either all rules or it'sall play, or just a dad that is
absent, doesn't know what hewants to do and feels
ill-equipped and so just leavesthe whole scene.
I love the word invitation.
Do you wanna take theinvitation of being dad or not?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Welcome to the Father Difference Podcast, where we
help men learn how to be thefather they were meant to be so
that their children can live thelife that God has made them for
.
Each week, you'll find newpodcasts and interviews with men
who want to make the biggestdifference they can.
Your host, pastor Ed TandyMcLassen, has been teaching and
(01:28):
equipping men in events andconferences for the last 41
years in 14 different countries,and now here's Ed.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, you gotta write .
We talk about men, right?
We talk about men that areliving lives of honor, men who
are making a difference, men whoare standing up and being
fathers and standing up andloving their wives and, if they
blew it, they're learning how tobe single dads and they're
learning how to change the world.
But, Father, I just thank you,for those that are watching,
(02:00):
that you would open their earsto this time and that you would.
I'm so excited about having DrDanny Areta from Focus on the
Family.
He's vice president ofparenting and youth.
They're at Focus and alsooverseas initiatives.
That equips moms and fatherswith biblical principles and
(02:25):
also how to raise healthy,resilient I would add a few more
adjectives on there powerful,demon busting children.
So welcome to the man of honor,Danny.
I'm so honored to have you here.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, the honor is mine .
What a great invitation to bewith you and excited to dig into
some things with you.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Well, you know, I just been watching some of the
things you're doing and just Ilove a couple of things about
you, and you already know this.
Well, the God has raised you upnot only to be a dad, but to be
a spiritual father to ageneration.
That's completely unfilteredand something profound happens
(03:10):
in the life of a young personwhen he gets to hang around a
spiritual dad and then equippingparents to, in many ways, a lot
of fathers be the father thatmany of them didn't get to have
but they've always really wantedto be.
So, danny, kind of firstquestion give us kind of the
(03:34):
health check about what's goingon in families right now and why
are kids struggling.
What would you say?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Wow, there is so much happening with families Really.
If we look at the differentareas of mental health first one
and primary one the one that ismost important is spiritually,
the spiritual aspect of thespiritual culture of the home.
Where's that at?
It's wobbly right now.
(04:03):
There's a lot of confusion.
There's an unbalance betweenhusbands and wives.
I'm noticing that and alsonoticing that teenagers are
feeling more open to question avariety of things and to explore
things that they're finding onsocial media and other places.
So the spiritual aspect iswobbly.
(04:24):
That leads to the next one,which is the mental, and then
the emotional.
The next two.
Those are really impacted bythe demands that families find
themselves in and also theconfusion that is coming in on
the spiritual side.
So when you have those two inconfusion, then you look at the
physical and the relational andthere's a breakdown.
With that, the brain starts tobreak down, the body breaks down
(04:47):
relationally.
The results are there's abreakdown relationally within
the home and then outside of thehome, and it begins with the
momentum from the spiritual side, the mental and the emotional
connectedness in the home.
Parents are finding themselvesoverwhelmed, they're busy and
they're also not knowing how tonavigate all the different
(05:10):
boundaries and limits they needto be placing on.
And what we're seeing is kidsare finding themselves hopeless
and lonely.
Depression has gone much higher.
Anxiety panic attacks have alsogone up to the highest level
I've ever seen in my two decadeshere as a therapist with teens
(05:31):
and kids and families.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, boy, that's yeah, that's yeah.
How much did you think isrelated to fathers really not
fathers that are raising kidsbut their dads didn't do much of
a job to raise them, so they'rejust emotionally it's like over
the top for them of knowing howto be a good father in the life
(05:56):
of their kids.
How much of the problem ofthese young people is related to
dads not being really in aplace of knowing how to be good
fathers?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, I think there's a big aspect to that where dads
some of them decide they'regonna be best friends with their
kids and so it's more ofplaying, less guidance.
And then you have some dadsthat it's all about rules and
work and they're trying tocompensate for things that may
be missing there and they missout on the relational aspect of
(06:27):
conversation and love andaffection, and so it's an
unbalanced dad that shows up.
It's either all rules or it'sall play, or just a dad that is
absent, doesn't know what hewants to do and feels ill
equipped, and so it just leavesthe whole scene.
And, man, dads, you have anamazing, amazing invitation to
(06:48):
impact both your sons and yourdaughters in very unique ways.
So excited to see when dadsactually do that.
They bring affection and loveto high degree and they bring
guidance and tensionality andlove to high degree, and then
what they find themselves in isa real game where they see a
connection and the invitationfor them, they see a fulfillment
(07:10):
of their roles of dad, and thatis so satisfying.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, it is for men.
I know men that go through our.
We have a program called men ofhonor training camp and we
bring guides in and teach themand equip them.
They come to this place whereit's like they wanna be.
It's like they wanna have winsin their family, with their kids
(07:35):
, with their wife.
They wanna be.
I ask guys all the time, I meanwhat it would feel like that
one day when your kids tellstories about you, they say I
wanna be just like my dad.
He's amazing.
And they tear up and they'relike man.
I wanna be that kind of dad andI'm.
(07:56):
I'm just like.
I wanna be that kind of dad,you know.
Yet many of the dads start outwith you know really not knowing
what it's like to.
It's like as a man, if you findit as men, that we're only
really able to give away thosethings we received right.
So if our dad didn't bless usand didn't father us and wasn't
(08:21):
present with us, it's like ourown personal capacity starts off
limited with our kids.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Yeah, I'd want to challenge that, because I've
heard that many times in thecounseling office.
Right, a person comes in andthey go why didn't receive that?
Sometimes these guys get stuckthere and they'll realize that
there are some guys that havereally provided a great, great
example around them.
And I love what Jesus told thedisciples as he left.
(08:52):
He said rise, let us go fromhere.
When does that begin for a man?
When we were told rise, let usgo from here.
Today, what is it that you wantto become, rather than what is
it that you are missing Makes ahuge difference, because there's
a lot of opportunity to learnsome great things.
So this is not a shaming or athing to make dads feel guilty.
(09:16):
And when they come in thecounseling office, I go yes,
let's grieve that, but there'san end to that.
And what is it that you want todo as a gift to your kids?
And let's look for that Insteadof getting stuck there that I
never received this.
And you're right.
The example is so, so important.
It's key to a guy knowing whathe's going to do.
(09:37):
Yet, we're raised by imperfectpeople.
That's right, and ultimately wehave scripture and we have
other men that we've been ableto learn from.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Plus, I mean the great promise you know on 2
Corinthians, you know 618,.
You know Paul puts these twoverses together and says and God
says I will be a father to youand you will be my sons and
daughters, Says the Lord, godAlmighty.
So we, we at minimum get twofathers the one that broke dad
(10:09):
and if he's like, awesome bonus.
But we get the ultimate fatherof heaven and earth, and the
model of the way he fatheredJesus is also available to us.
So we don't say you're so right, you don't stay in that place,
they're going.
Well, I'm stuck and I'll blamemy dad for the state of my life.
(10:30):
Well, that that just leaves youstuck and wanting, but it's
about moving towards that.
Now, what have you learnedabout how you help guys move out
of that place of?
You know, I'm stuck and, as youknow, men are probably the
hardest group of men to marketto.
(10:53):
Yes, yeah.
Right.
They know they got a problem,but they don't want to.
They come at him like fullforce.
They go I'm good, I'm cool,right, right.
But how do you engage theseguys to where they're like,
(11:13):
they're open with?
You learned about ministeringyour fathers.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah, first, I validate the fact that they have
an emotional side to it may notlook that way.
It may be that they have a hardshell.
It's validating the fact thatthey didn't get what they could
have had and that they missedout on some things.
Just initially, justrelationally, validating that
that's very real, it's part oftheir story.
(11:42):
Yeah, had they not gone throughthat, I wonder who they would
be.
And so I wonder all the, the,the resilience and grit.
I tell them, man, you're strong,you got through some big things
and with that you have so muchto offer your kids and you don't
want to rob them of that.
And I talk about what does itmean to be a life giving person?
(12:04):
What momentum can you create inyour home, instead of you being
overrun by your momentums andall of a sudden they're spilling
out into your home, and veryunhealthy ways?
How can you utilize thatmomentum that came into you,
rework it so that the momentumyou bring is life giving and
with a lot of passion, youtransform who is in front of you
(12:28):
that you're invited toinfluence in a mighty way.
And so I tell them, man, youropportunity, your invitation is
huge, and I'm excited for youand and I'm sad for this part of
it and then you know, sometimesthe guys have kind of stare at
me and look at me like, okay,that's, that sounds great, but
how do I, how do I even start?
And it begins by I love theword invitation.
(12:52):
Do you want to take theinvitation of being dad or not?
Do?
you want that.
There we go.
You want the invitation ofbeing a man or not, and with
that comes a lot of opportunityfor you.
Yet you need to be steadfast inthe way that you love and
really understanding who you are, and sometimes with these guys,
(13:14):
I'll start off with personality.
Do you even know your ownpersonality, who you are?
Let's get to know you at adeeper level, taking out the
facades and everything to theside, and let's start from there
.
And then let's start from what.
What is it that you want togive us?
A gift, because you can be agift to others, and so let's
figure out how we wrap that up.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
That's so good.
I remember, you know, my dadwas killed in action, so I never
had a single day with my dad.
He was a fighter pilot, crashedin Monterey Bay.
So I didn't have a stepfatherwho was a really strong Navy guy
.
It's the Navy way, right.
And so when I started fatheringmy kids, my model of fathering
(13:57):
came out of being raised in amilitary home and it was all yes
, sir, and do this.
It was all discipline.
And I went to a men's event andjust my wife is feeding me books
on fathering.
They're in the men's readingroom, they're in the bathroom,
(14:18):
right, and they're about thisthick one chapter and I'm blown
it by 40 things.
I put it back down and so I metthis event on James Braille,
who another Colorado guy who'sin heaven now, who helped, you
know, be a part of PromiseKeepers he's teaching about.
You know, david goes out, slaysGoliath and Saul sees him on
(14:42):
the battlefield and says toAbner whose son is this you?
What he's really said was Iwant to meet the father who
raised a son like this.
I heard those words and I sawwhere I was as a dad.
(15:04):
Everything was about me.
I realized I wasn't that guy,but I wanted to be that guy.
I remember my prayer, rightthere on my knees, right on the
front row.
I said God, I'm not that kindof father.
Turn me into a father who makesa difference with my kids.
(15:25):
And I was like you know, heloves those prayers.
That's great.
The different other make right,and so it's like this moment for
man when they realize thatthey're not here but they go to
this.
Really, the only source for mento be changed in anything is
(15:49):
when we encounter God, his word,his spirit, his life right.
And what was impossible in ourfamily story before is now part
of a legacy that we're leaving,you know, through the rest of
our generations, and that's just.
Do you find that is true withthe people you're working with?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, absolutely we have.
When there are, when men giveeach other words of affirmation
and also of charge, there'sSomething inside of us that we
love, that we respect, that wewant that inside and some men
just don't know They've neverhad a man come to them and say
(16:35):
hey, I believe in you and I knowyou've got this word.
You're over here and we need tobring that.
Come on in right, and they,some many men, just need that.
I still remember sitting acrossthe table from my son.
I was a young dad, I was atherapist, I thought I had it.
You know I'll figure it outright there.
(16:55):
You know, just thinking as ayoung guy, you're like, yeah, I
got this.
Yeah, and I'm stressed out,wasn't doing well.
The marriage thing was kind ofwobbly.
I had a young daughter as well.
She was too.
He was, for he was sittingacross from me in the kitchen
table.
She's the two of us.
He had his plastic constructionset and he had it One of those
(17:16):
plastic screwdrivers, and I knowI was carrying stride, I know
that I looked, I was toxic atthe time.
It's kind of a darker placestill love God and all that, but
just not in the best places.
And he comes around the table,puts the screwdriver on my side
and says daddy, broken, needfixed.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Oh my goodness, right from Jesus.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Man, I was crying.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Broke in these things .
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Wow.
So he puts the screwdriver and,you know, tears start coming
out.
He probably thought he hurt me,maybe, I don't know, he's right
going, man, I put thisscrewdriver and water comes out
of my dad's eyes.
Uh, but I was going.
Lord, you're speaking directlyto my soul.
Oh man I still look back at thatmoment where it was a, it was a
complete shift of momentum inmy life when I realized, but
(18:07):
that that God was speaking to mein that moment, that I needed
To hear something to change mydirection.
And that's the part.
Can there be men that have asoft enough heart to hear that?
Or we harden like pharaoh,where we need nine different or
whatever you know the all weneed to have nine signs first
(18:29):
right.
Yeah, finally get it.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
What you're talking about is that God's made us From
the beginning.
The first man Was a wordactivated human being.
Yes let us make man in our image, right.
So words have great power andwe don't understand that.
Our words as fathers towardsour kids, harry, this prophetic
(18:59):
weight.
Well, we can lift them up andencourage them.
It's like what you're doingthese men, because their word
activated, like you are, you'respeaking Truth to them In that
when you speak God's word to,when you speak that over them,
it's like it's got thisIncredible power to.
(19:21):
It changes the believer insidethat guy To where he goes.
Well, in Christ, I can do thisRight.
It's like it changes thatbeliever Inside of him and it
makes him just, oh, my gosh, I'mchanging.
And your son, by the way, thatyou need that's a book, brother,
(19:43):
that's a book.
Right there, daddy, I'm gonnatell you you need to write that
with that story, a short book,because guys like Bathroom
reading size books, right, they,they want to be able to read
the whole thing and maybe two.
And just that image where yourson with that little plastic
screwdriver I mean that, what aword to a son, to a father Open
(20:11):
this little beginning.
Wow, that's awesome whathappened.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (20:20):
from that moment then In your life, you, you realize
this how did God Begin to fatheryou into that?
That man, that husband, thatfather, that really he designed
you to be, that you really wantto be Right?
How did he start doing?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yep, well, you know, before that time there are
foundations for my grandfather,who was a man of God.
I observed him as a man ofprayer.
I think that impacted me.
My mom and dad were both.
They raised us in a Christianhome.
They were together.
They're both people of prayer,right, they're both faithful in
(21:01):
their love of Jesus.
Also my grandma with my grandma.
So a lot of faithfulness thereto set a foundation.
Now I'm in my marriage andthings are getting wobbly.
I'm getting a little bitfurther away from really
depending on God and moredepending on me.
And then the pridefulnesskicking in instead of the humble
(21:23):
heart, and that moment ofbrokenness helped me realize man
, I need help.
So I went in for counseling withmy wife, we went in together,
we got that and I gathered fourmen that I asked to be mentors
in my life and to speak into mylife to open that up, and that
(21:44):
has been fantastic.
I still meet with a couple ofthose guys, and that was a long
time ago.
My son's now 19.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Wow, 19.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
And I'm still meeting together 19 years old, and it's
been fantastic to be able toreceive life-giving words from
other guys and, in correction,life-giving correction from them
along the way.
And it was a moment where myheart was taken to a place of
(22:14):
moldability and pliability byGod, because the softness of
what I felt towards my son, thelove towards him where I would
give my life for my son, and toknow that he saw that and that
God spoke through that, it justtotally softened the heart.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Yeah, because you know we enter those times when
we're having our bad fatheringmoments For me anyway, yeah Is
when my identity shifts fromjust being a son to being a
preacher, pastor, evangelist orwhatever.
But when I'm measuring myselfand my output on those
(22:56):
identities which really inScripture they're just graces
and roles we play, it's not ourtrue identity Then what happens
is because we can lose our job,we can not put a football
anymore than who are you?
A lot of my friends, you know,stop wearing the jersey and
they're.
They've been struggling eversince.
(23:19):
They don't know who they are,and especially with men, when
that sense of identity issomething that's lost and he's
not sure about who God's homewould be.
He just, you know, he strugglesand he goes home, and now home
requires this emotional energy,right, and he's been spending
(23:42):
all day long feeling horribleabout who he is.
And he comes home and it's likeyou're late, you know, I know,
you know, and all of a sudden itjust piles on instead of you
know being in that place.
And so that's the question ofthe question.
You know how?
(24:02):
How did this kind of you know,a new found place of being a
father, begin to also help youlove your wife the way she
needed to be loved.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
And so that's the question.
I think that with with my wifeI remember back to one
conversation I had with a coach,so so I'll say, with my son and
my daughter, in unique waysthat soften my heart towards my
(24:38):
wife, and it created a heart ofgratitude which created love.
Gratitude in itself creates aplace where love can grow and
and a heart can be pliable.
So I think it made me gratefulfor for having a family, for
having a wife, a wife thatbrought these two kids made me
(24:59):
grateful for the things that shebrings in a unique way and just
have have loved that in ourgrowth, in the 25 years of
marriage that we have, how we'vegrown together.
We've grown to know each otherin a deeper way, we've grown to
love each other and our weaknessand our strength, and it's a
long game.
I remember this coach where Iwas on a basketball trip with a
(25:21):
team it was one of thosemissions, trips, teams and he
pulled this aside and he saidguys, I needed I need to say
this to you, to many of you aregoing to start thinking about
marriage.
I was just about to be marriedto my wife and he said I almost
got a divorce after two years wewere on the wrong path, as a
(25:43):
married couple and a guy toldhim hey, why don't you wake up
every morning?
First thought, making it, makean attempt to do this first
thought is to figure out what'sone thing that I can do for my
wife that would make her day abetter day, simple or complex.
Make that first thought as youget up, as a faithfulness to
(26:06):
your heavenly father, thatyou're taking care of his
daughter, that you are lovinghis daughter not taking care of,
but loving his daughter.
Well, and it struck me, I said,man, that sounds so simple.
One thing a day.
And as we got into the marriageand we hit this, this point, I
started to think that after thatI think that was our ninth year
(26:27):
marriage somewhere in therethat that happened.
And it started to hit me, man,if I do that and so we have fun
doing that every once in a whilenow where I'll ask my wife hey,
I want you to guess what theone thing is that I decided to
do today so that she could payattention to it and and I can,
(26:47):
we could do that as a jointeffort that I'm wanting to give
her a gift that day, whateverthat may be, whether it's a text
, or making her the breakfast orher lunch, whatever that is, I
want to serve her at least onetime very intentionally in the
day.
So puts my heart in the rightspot.
Well, and then what does thatshow my kids right as we're
(27:09):
doing day to day in our home andI love your, teaching your sons
how to love a woman.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah you're teaching your sons a kind of woman to
choose and you're teaching adaughter the kind of man she
should choose.
Right, yes, and trust me, heldyour daughter now.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
She's 17 and in fact she has prom this Friday.
And she told the young guy hey,you're going to have to ask my
dad.
Maybe, and I got to show up.
This was this last Monday.
I showed up at lunchtime.
He came up I can tell you asnurses.
I said, hey, are you supernervous right now?
He said I am freaked out, I amvery nervous.
(27:51):
And he says it's the first timeI've ever asked a girl out and
I, yeah, I'm super nervous.
I said you have a plan in place?
I'm very bad at planning.
I don't have any plans.
I said this is a good time toit's a good growth moment for
you.
I'm going to need a plan fromyou.
And he's respected that.
And her friends were watchingfrom a car nearby and said man,
(28:13):
your dad has a lot of.
He has high standards.
And my daughter said, dad, Iappreciate it.
She felt she feels safe Becauseyou have her heart.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yes, yeah, and you have your daughter's heart.
She doesn't date projects.
No, he wants a guy like you.
But we got to be there.
And so wise of you, I mean, Idid the same things when they
had to show up here and I didn'tmind about the intimidation
thing.
I said you know you're shakingin your boots.
(28:54):
Yes, sir, I said we should be,because I I love my daughter so
much, so anybody who messes withher, I mess with I'm not going
to be like that, right?
So what's your question?
Son had one guy come by and hegoes Well, can I have your
daughter?
I go?
No, she's like a steak.
(29:18):
No, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
I said no, listen, I'mprotecting you.
My daughter will eat you alive.
She's an amazing woman of God.
You're not ready to go out withmy daughter yet.
You go and get somediscipleship.
Maybe you can come back in afew months.
I left out.
That's my job.
(29:39):
You want my?
Go through me.
You know there's a great personbacks up where we're talking
here.
I don't know if you ever seenthis and Genesis 521.
It says that Enoch had lived 65years.
Then he fathered Methuselah.
And look what it says.
He said Enoch walked with GodAfter he fathered Missuselah 300
(30:01):
years and had other sons anddaughters.
Something happened to Enochwhen he fathered Methuselah and
he turned his life to God forthe 300 years after that.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
That's it.
I mean, that is, you know, partof, and he walked with God
until God just took him and hewas no more, so he didn't
actually die on the earth.
He's up there, you know,waiting on us.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
When I talked to this young man, yeah, I said.
And I said I'm gonna embarrassmy daughter right now, but I
need to get this out because Ireally believe in this.
You have been a contributor inher life.
He helps her with math, he hasbeen very patient with her
because she hates math and he'lltake, he'll put all his stuff
aside to do that for her and hasbeen a great friend of her.
(31:03):
And I said I have taught mydaughter to look for a
contributor and not a consumer.
Men are we're naturallyconsumers, but we are designed
as contributors.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
We find our fulfillment as contributors in
the consumer place.
We just land in pleasure and weactually land in places where
we miss out on what God hascreated us to do and who he's
created us to be.
And so for my daughter, I'vesaid hey, this is what a
contributor looks like, a personthat genuinely cares about you,
for your wellbeing.
(31:37):
A consumer will bring a facadeof that, but make sure you
observe, because many timesthey'll do certain things in
order to get something back.
It's a transaction rather thana servant heart, and that's what
you're looking for as you'relooking through the behaviors.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I said did you also give her a promise ring?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
I did not.
I did not do that.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
I did that with my daughters and I would reference
that with these boys.
And you see, that ring on hermarriage finger to be one day.
That's her promise before Godthat she's gonna hold her body
back until she gives this to herhusband at the altar and
exchanges for a wedding ring.
Oh, that's nice.
(32:20):
Are you man enough to make surethat ring doesn't even wiggle
at all?
That's not wiggle.
That's not wiggle.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
That's a great man, ed.
I would have had to go to thebathroom man at your house and
say, do you mind if I just usethe restroom real quick?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yeah, yeah, cause I raised my daughters to not be
fearful and the way I did thatwas I took them out on dates and
model.
What a man was.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Right, that's an incredible thing we can do,
because if we do that and wehave their heart as they're
growing up, they're gonna want aman like us, right, which is
the ultimate compliment for usas fathers.
Not the day, you know, bringhome Joe and you know Joe's not
(33:17):
that evil dad.
I know he's got a gargoyle onhis face and he's died by lids,
but he's really got a good heart.
Thank you very much.
No, no with lizard man.
Okay, he's like I'm gonna hatemy daughter, right, because it
gives her and they.
This one guy that I said no tomet me.
(33:40):
You know, months later it was atennis tournament in school and
he came up to me and he said Ijust want to tell you how much
that meant to me.
I said what do you mean?
He says my sister just gotpregnant.
She's 14 years old, my dad'snot in either one of our lives
and she's so desperate to beloved that she, she's now
(34:04):
pregnant and gonna have a babyat 14.
And so fatherhood, you know, isone of you know, for us as men,
you know, being a husband isincredibly important, but being
a father is vital for acommunity to exist and culture
(34:24):
to exist, and you know you havea loving relationship with your
wife, but learning how to bethat present, loving dad which
every you know.
Every guy wants to besomebody's hero, and when your
kids are the one going, have youmet my dad?
(34:47):
He's a hero.
I mean, he's been there in mylife.
He confesses his sin to us.
When he's broken, we pray forhim.
He's leading, it, leads us toChrist.
He's not perfect, but he's allin.
I mean that's what our kidswant today.
(35:09):
Yes, they do Imagine what.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
The playfulness the guidance the affection.
All those things are part ofwho we are and we can bring it
when we are all in it.
When we are all in it, you justsaid yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
So you know, so you're ministering to a lot of
you know parents right now.
What are some of the?
I mean, I just met with a guyyou were watching a podcast with
.
He says here's an amazing reachin how many kids he's in front
of preaching.
I mean God, just, yeah, justhundreds of thousands kids a
(35:47):
year, and so I asked him thisquestion.
I won't tell you his answer,but what are the keys that
you've seen that really opens upthe heart of kids to their
father?
Where's some things that dadscan do that will really help
their kids connect back withtheir dad right, so that their
(36:10):
dad becomes a voice in theirlife Instead of leave me alone?
You know you're always raggingon me.
You know you're moving kidsfrom that looking to their
friends for identity or theirphone for identity.
To get that, what are some ofthe keys that you've seen that
(36:32):
will be helpful to some of theguys that are watching?
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Yeah, and you hit on one of them, a big one is just
being present, persistent inyour presence, and there's a
difference on how you're present.
Are you attentive, are youtuned?
What's your tone like?
Are you genuinely concerned inlove towards your child?
(36:58):
So I mean, it's concern wouldbe not that you're worried, but
that you're really wanting toknow who this child is in front
of you, that God has created andhas given, has invited you to
be a co-creator with.
You know, there's an invitationto co-create with our children
in their lives.
The soul, this human being, andGod has invited us into that.
(37:20):
Do we see that with gratitude?
So, as you show up with that,because your child experience
that in their imperfections andall where they're spilling out
their emotions, they're angry,they're frustrated with you, and
you show up steadfast, that'snot going to change your love,
it's not going to change yourtone, it's not going to change
who you are.
You're going to say I love you,I love you and I'm sorry for
(37:44):
this, I'm sorry for that.
You own what you can and whatyou should and what you could.
I'll say the could.
You could own those things thatyou know you need to own, and
then the things that they'reblaming you for, that you know
are not ownership.
You don't have to own those,but you can say I'm sorry, I
love you, and then hugs go ahuge way.
(38:06):
That affection, that physicalaffection towards your kids in a
safe way, is powerful, sostrong.
But the idea is persistence.
It's not dependent on whetherit's safe or not for you.
Are you creating safety in therelationship so it can get to
connectedness?
That's so good.
Yeah, we carry so manyinsecurities, all of us, and we
(38:29):
need to admit that.
And when you come into yourkids you go man, my insecurities
spill out, sometimes in waysthat are hurtful.
Sometimes emotions come out.
I'm working on that and I'm apiece of work that's going to
continue until I die, but I wantto figure out every day how to
show it better for theinvitation that I've got.
And man, I love being your dad,and the more you say that and as
(38:55):
you experience rejection, right, you can still, as you're
persistent and patient whichit's hard for us to have, as you
have that God is going to mendthat in a very slow way, just
like a wound that you're havingto stitch up that takes so long
to heal.
Sometimes you have to gothrough physical therapy for big
wounds to the body.
Well, this is a relationalwound.
(39:16):
Be patient with it and just beconsistent and then be praying
for God's guidance for you andfor your child's heart to be
softened.
And just know, I love thatverse again, the one of being
able to rise.
Let us go from here.
Remind yourself every day as agift it's a new one, You've
never lived in it and be patientwith it.
(39:39):
The other one that's impactfulis John 737 to 38.
On 38 he says whoever believesin me, as the scriptures have
said, out of his heart will flowrivers of living water.
Have you be the one.
Picture yourself bringing that,that life, giving the life,
giving words, the, theappointments that you make your
(40:04):
kids.
Like you said, the one on onetime, maybe taking a walk with
your kids, and the last one ishave your child teach you
something.
Yeah, show your vulnerable thereto say hey, I notice you love
this, You're good at it.
I want to learn from you.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
When can you do that so good?
Yeah that's powerful, you know.
It's one of the ways I you knowthe father showed me how to get
my kids.
You know, because we're youknow parents would go hey, you
need to read your Bible.
Well, that means nothing tothem.
So I was like Lord, how do I dothis?
(40:38):
And I remember my son was oneof my sons.
Come, he's little son.
He's knocked on my door.
I'm studying and I had my Bibleand I could.
He goes, what are you doing?
I said I want to spend timewith God.
He goes Can I spend time withGod too?
I said Sure.
(40:58):
So I passed my Bible, but itwas upside down because I'm
reading it.
I didn't turn around here.
No, he didn't read yet and he'slooking at me and I got my
finger going like this and Ilook over and he's doing that
and I'm kind of mumbling thewords to myself and I'm look
over and he's moving his lips.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
And you know something happened.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
That was my oldest son, edward so, where he sends
me scriptures every day, thingsthat God is speaking to him,
because that whole thing aboutletting him teach you something,
and the other thing that that Ido is I go.
You know, I just read this.
What do you think it means?
Yeah, that's great.
(41:47):
And you just let and don't givethem the answer.
Don't set them up like, oh, yougot all the answers.
Just say what do you think thismeans and just wait and let
them.
You know, whatever they say, go.
Wow, thanks, boy, that's good.
Never thought about that way.
Especially if you're a preacher.
You take that again.
You know, I was teaching on thescripture and my son came to me
(42:10):
and when I use my kids names, Ihad to give him a quarter.
Every time I use quarter, andthen they went in a raise in my
term and she, then I couldn'tafford it, but it's like it's.
It's like you're, you're in areal way, you're.
You're saying, when you askthem questions like that, I
(42:32):
really believe in God's call andanointing on your life that
you're going to be able todiscover the same truth that I
get to discover.
And so you're, you, you'redrawn it out of them and when
they respond, they, they own itand they they because they've
(42:55):
not taught you something.
And they might even say, hey,mom, I just taught dad how to
read the Bible.
It's like awesome, that'sawesome, right.
So it's just part of being thatpresent, loving dad that you
know our kids today are justdesperate for.
Well, you know, it's just beenrich being with you and what
(43:19):
you're doing there on focus andlove your ministry, love your
leader.
You got to buy him Buffaloburgers.
Oh, he's a, he's a great fan ofjust really serious.
It's great, it's lean beef.
And so there's some I knowthere's some dads that are
(43:42):
watching right now, some men,maybe even some women who are.
You know, they're sort of likeyou two did a song years ago
called stuck in a moment, andit's a.
It was a picture of a dot andall the arrows coming in, and he
sings about how you're stuck ina moment until you learn that
(44:05):
real living is when you reversethat and you're in the center
but all the arrows go out of youand you're given back.
And so there's men right nowthat are just feel stuck because
of the past.
Would you, you know?
Would you pray for him rightnow and just just whatever God
(44:26):
puts on you for these guys andpray for him.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
I would love to and just a word of thought for the
guys that have experiencedextreme loneliness, felt
rejected, felt like they weren'tcared for as young men or felt
really discounted completelyKnow that God was present.
(44:52):
I want you to picture thosemoments, be open with it, go
back to that memory and thenpicture where God was in that
time with you, because he wasthere.
He's always been there with youand watching you, and I want
you to envision that and figureout what.
How differently would you feelactually seeing him there
watching you and feeling thepain of seeing you go through
(45:15):
that, because he would didn'ttake you away from that.
It's part of your story.
Yet he's wanting you to see itas a redeemed memory so that you
can bring these amazing wordsand the amazing gifts that he
has inside of you to your kidsand to those around you.
And two practical things if youwant to start today with your
(45:38):
kids with a win, I want to.
I wanted to see if I have onehere with me.
Well, just take a chalk marker,talk about this all the time
with with dads.
Take a chalk marker, go towhere your kids are going to see
themselves and your wife,surprise them by putting a
circle around where they'regoing to see themselves, and
then write words that you knoware true, about who God has
(46:00):
created them to be, and see whatkind of response you get there.
That's one quick win that youcan have where there's a changed
heart.
And then make it consistent,make that one marker thing,
something you consistently do.
You write verses, quotes,things that you want to tell
them.
And then, if you another optionwould be to just put little
(46:21):
notebooks, little littlejournals that each person spot
just say hey, let's bring thelife in our home, and I'm going
to start it.
And you write the first pagefor everyone in your, around
your dinner table and it beginsthere.
It's all that books alwaysthere for people to write life
giving worse to one another, andyou begin the momentum.
So you get the one victorythat's when you can start today.
(46:45):
So, heavenly Father, thank you.
Thank you for this opportunity,lord, to just talk about men
and what you're calling us intothe invi, the grand invitation
to be a dad, to be a husband, tobe a man, and that you've given
us the life, a gift of life inin us, and I just asked right
(47:08):
now for guys that are in themidst of pain, of self blame, of
guilt, of shame, place wherethey feel empty or powerless, or
helpless.
A place, mentally, wherethey're saying I have nothing to
offer.
I, you know I've already ruinedit, I messed up already.
Lord, help them to escape fromthose lies, lord, and help them
(47:29):
to rise from here, from today,one victory at a time.
We know that in climbingmountains, in sports, it's one
point at a time, one step at atime.
It's no different when we'retrying to repair relationships
and trying to to go a newdirection.
And I just pray for patience,for guidance and, lord, I pray
(47:52):
that they will sense youcompletely and they'll be
strengthened by you and not leanon their own strength at all.
Lord, help us, each in our ownjourneys with you, to see you
clearly, to be in closecommunication with you and to
know that we don't need to beperfect, we need to be loving
(48:13):
and we need to be filled by yourspirit and in that your
ministry through us can, can,can, happen.
And we know that apart from you,we can do nothing, and I pray
that we will all.
Everyone listening here, all ofus will learn how to depend on
you wholeheartedly.
We love you, lord Jesus name,amen, amen.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
Man, like an old country man said to me one time
well, man, that prayer wasstronger than circus dirt.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
That's good, that's good, and my daughter wants to
be in the circus.
So there you go, I mean that'sawesome.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Well, it's awesome to be with you, my brother, and
exciting things.
Blessings to your whole, focuson the family and remember, if
you're watching, it's never toolate for you to be the husband
or father that God has alwaysdreamed you can be.
It's a great day to learn more.
Get this podcast, share it withyour friends.
So much coming from Dr Dannyhere, and it's just an honor.
(49:18):
And we got some free resourceswe'll have as well in the bio.
God bless you.
Speaker 3 (49:27):
We hope you enjoyed the Father Difference podcast.
Are you ready to learn moreabout the Father Difference?
But we have a special gift foryou in the bio to help you get
started.
Remember the father loves youand wants you to make the father
difference in your family.
Welcome to the Father Difference Podcast.
I'm your host, ed McClathson.
I am so grateful you're here.
Make sure that you subscribe toour podcast channel so that you
can get the latest shows thatwe're gonna be putting up weekly
.
You don't wanna miss one, myfriend, because God has made you
to make an amazing differencein the life of your family.
(00:24):
God bless you.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Dads.
Some of them decide they'regonna be best friends with their
kids and so it's more ofplaying, less guidance.
And then you have some dadsthat it's all about rules and
work and they're trying tocompensate for things that may
be missing there and they missout on the relational aspect of
conversation and love andaffection, and so it's an
(00:46):
unbalanced dad that shows up.
It's either all rules or it'sall play, or just a dad that is
absent, doesn't know what hewants to do and feels
ill-equipped and so just leavesthe whole scene.
I love the word invitation.
Do you wanna take theinvitation of being dad or not?
Speaker 3 (01:06):
Welcome to the Father Difference Podcast, where we
help men learn how to be thefather they were meant to be so
that their children can live thelife that God has made them for
.
Each week, you'll find newpodcasts and interviews with men
who want to make the biggestdifference they can.
Your host, pastor Ed TandyMcLassen, has been teaching and
(01:28):
equipping men in events andconferences for the last 41
years in 14 different countries,and now here's Ed.
Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, you gotta write .
We talk about men, right?
We talk about men that areliving lives of honor, men who
are making a difference, men whoare standing up and being
fathers and standing up andloving their wives and, if they
blew it, they're learning how tobe single dads and they're
learning how to change the world.
But, Father, I just thank you,for those that are watching,
(02:00):
that you would open their earsto this time and that you would.
I'm so excited about having DrDanny Areta from Focus on the
Family.
He's vice president ofparenting and youth.
They're at Focus and alsooverseas initiatives.
That equips moms and fatherswith biblical principles and
(02:25):
also how to raise healthy,resilient I would add a few more
adjectives on there powerful,demon busting children.
So welcome to the man of honor,Danny.
I'm so honored to have you here.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
No, the honor is mine .
What a great invitation to bewith you and excited to dig into
some things with you.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Well, you know, I just been watching some of the
things you're doing and just Ilove a couple of things about
you, and you already know this.
Well, the God has raised you upnot only to be a dad, but to be
a spiritual father to ageneration.
That's completely unfilteredand something profound happens
(03:10):
in the life of a young personwhen he gets to hang around a
spiritual dad and then equippingparents to, in many ways, a lot
of fathers be the father thatmany of them didn't get to have
but they've always really wantedto be.
So, danny, kind of firstquestion give us kind of the
(03:34):
health check about what's goingon in families right now and why
are kids struggling.
What would you say?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Wow, there is so much happening with families Really.
If we look at the differentareas of mental health first one
and primary one the one that ismost important is spiritually,
the spiritual aspect of thespiritual culture of the home.
Where's that at?
It's wobbly right now.
(04:03):
There's a lot of confusion.
There's an unbalance betweenhusbands and wives.
I'm noticing that and alsonoticing that teenagers are
feeling more open to question avariety of things and to explore
things that they're finding onsocial media and other places.
So the spiritual aspect iswobbly.
(04:24):
That leads to the next one,which is the mental, and then
the emotional.
The next two.
Those are really impacted bythe demands that families find
themselves in and also theconfusion that is coming in on
the spiritual side.
So when you have those two inconfusion, then you look at the
physical and the relational andthere's a breakdown.
With that, the brain starts tobreak down, the body breaks down
(04:47):
relationally.
The results are there's abreakdown relationally within
the home and then outside of thehome, and it begins with the
momentum from the spiritual side, the mental and the emotional
connectedness in the home.
Parents are finding themselvesoverwhelmed, they're busy and
they're also not knowing how tonavigate all the different
(05:10):
boundaries and limits they needto be placing on.
And what we're seeing is kidsare finding themselves hopeless
and lonely.
Depression has gone much higher.
Anxiety panic attacks have alsogone up to the highest level
I've ever seen in my two decadeshere as a therapist with teens
(05:31):
and kids and families.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
Yeah, boy, that's yeah, that's yeah.
How much did you think isrelated to fathers really not
fathers that are raising kidsbut their dads didn't do much of
a job to raise them, so they'rejust emotionally it's like over
the top for them of knowing howto be a good father in the life
(05:56):
of their kids.
How much of the problem ofthese young people is related to
dads not being really in aplace of knowing how to be good
fathers?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Yeah, I think there's a big aspect to that where dads
some of them decide they'regonna be best friends with their
kids and so it's more ofplaying, less guidance.
And then you have some dadsthat it's all about rules and
work and they're trying tocompensate for things that may
be missing there and they missout on the relational aspect of
(06:27):
conversation and love andaffection, and so it's an
unbalanced dad that shows up.
It's either all rules or it'sall play, or just a dad that is
absent, doesn't know what hewants to do and feels ill
equipped, and so it just leavesthe whole scene.
And, man, dads, you have anamazing, amazing invitation to
(06:48):
impact both your sons and yourdaughters in very unique ways.
So excited to see when dadsactually do that.
They bring affection and loveto high degree and they bring
guidance and tensionality andlove to high degree, and then
what they find themselves in isa real game where they see a
connection and the invitationfor them, they see a fulfillment
(07:10):
of their roles of dad, and thatis so satisfying.
Speaker 1 (07:13):
Yeah, it is for men.
I know men that go through our.
We have a program called men ofhonor training camp and we
bring guides in and teach themand equip them.
They come to this place whereit's like they wanna be.
It's like they wanna have winsin their family, with their kids
(07:35):
, with their wife.
They wanna be.
I ask guys all the time, I meanwhat it would feel like that
one day when your kids tellstories about you, they say I
wanna be just like my dad.
He's amazing.
And they tear up and they'relike man.
I wanna be that kind of dad andI'm.
(07:56):
I'm just like.
I wanna be that kind of dad,you know.
Yet many of the dads start outwith you know really not knowing
what it's like to.
It's like as a man, if you findit as men, that we're only
really able to give away thosethings we received right.
So if our dad didn't bless usand didn't father us and wasn't
(08:21):
present with us, it's like ourown personal capacity starts off
limited with our kids.
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Yeah, I'd want to challenge that, because I've
heard that many times in thecounseling office.
Right, a person comes in andthey go why didn't receive that?
Sometimes these guys get stuckthere and they'll realize that
there are some guys that havereally provided a great, great
example around them.
And I love what Jesus told thedisciples as he left.
(08:52):
He said rise, let us go fromhere.
When does that begin for a man?
When we were told rise, let usgo from here.
Today, what is it that you wantto become, rather than what is
it that you are missing Makes ahuge difference, because there's
a lot of opportunity to learnsome great things.
So this is not a shaming or athing to make dads feel guilty.
(09:16):
And when they come in thecounseling office, I go yes,
let's grieve that, but there'san end to that.
And what is it that you want todo as a gift to your kids?
And let's look for that Insteadof getting stuck there that I
never received this.
And you're right.
The example is so, so important.
It's key to a guy knowing whathe's going to do.
(09:37):
Yet, we're raised by imperfectpeople.
That's right, and ultimately wehave scripture and we have
other men that we've been ableto learn from.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
Plus, I mean the great promise you know on 2
Corinthians, you know 618,.
You know Paul puts these twoverses together and says and God
says I will be a father to youand you will be my sons and
daughters, Says the Lord, godAlmighty.
So we, we at minimum get twofathers the one that broke dad
(10:09):
and if he's like, awesome bonus.
But we get the ultimate fatherof heaven and earth, and the
model of the way he fatheredJesus is also available to us.
So we don't say you're so right, you don't stay in that place,
they're going.
Well, I'm stuck and I'll blamemy dad for the state of my life.
(10:30):
Well, that that just leaves youstuck and wanting, but it's
about moving towards that.
Now, what have you learnedabout how you help guys move out
of that place of?
You know, I'm stuck and, as youknow, men are probably the
hardest group of men to marketto.
(10:53):
Yes, yeah.
Right.
They know they got a problem,but they don't want to.
They come at him like fullforce.
They go I'm good, I'm cool,right, right.
But how do you engage theseguys to where they're like,
(11:13):
they're open with?
You learned about ministeringyour fathers.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
Yeah, first, I validate the fact that they have
an emotional side to it may notlook that way.
It may be that they have a hardshell.
It's validating the fact thatthey didn't get what they could
have had and that they missedout on some things.
Just initially, justrelationally, validating that
that's very real, it's part oftheir story.
(11:42):
Yeah, had they not gone throughthat, I wonder who they would
be.
And so I wonder all the, the,the resilience and grit.
I tell them, man, you're strong,you got through some big things
and with that you have so muchto offer your kids and you don't
want to rob them of that.
And I talk about what does itmean to be a life giving person?
(12:04):
What momentum can you create inyour home, instead of you being
overrun by your momentums andall of a sudden they're spilling
out into your home, and veryunhealthy ways?
How can you utilize thatmomentum that came into you,
rework it so that the momentumyou bring is life giving and
with a lot of passion, youtransform who is in front of you
(12:28):
that you're invited toinfluence in a mighty way.
And so I tell them, man, youropportunity, your invitation is
huge, and I'm excited for youand and I'm sad for this part of
it and then you know, sometimesthe guys have kind of stare at
me and look at me like, okay,that's, that sounds great, but
how do I, how do I even start?
And it begins by I love theword invitation.
(12:52):
Do you want to take theinvitation of being dad or not?
Do?
you want that.
There we go.
You want the invitation ofbeing a man or not, and with
that comes a lot of opportunityfor you.
Yet you need to be steadfast inthe way that you love and
really understanding who you are, and sometimes with these guys,
(13:14):
I'll start off with personality.
Do you even know your ownpersonality, who you are?
Let's get to know you at adeeper level, taking out the
facades and everything to theside, and let's start from there
.
And then let's start from what.
What is it that you want togive us?
A gift, because you can be agift to others, and so let's
figure out how we wrap that up.
Speaker 1 (13:34):
That's so good.
I remember, you know, my dadwas killed in action, so I never
had a single day with my dad.
He was a fighter pilot, crashedin Monterey Bay.
So I didn't have a stepfatherwho was a really strong Navy guy
.
It's the Navy way, right.
And so when I started fatheringmy kids, my model of fathering
(13:57):
came out of being raised in amilitary home and it was all yes
, sir, and do this.
It was all discipline.
And I went to a men's event andjust my wife is feeding me books
on fathering.
They're in the men's readingroom, they're in the bathroom,
(14:18):
right, and they're about thisthick one chapter and I'm blown
it by 40 things.
I put it back down and so I metthis event on James Braille,
who another Colorado guy who'sin heaven now, who helped, you
know, be a part of PromiseKeepers he's teaching about.
You know, david goes out, slaysGoliath and Saul sees him on
(14:42):
the battlefield and says toAbner whose son is this you?
What he's really said was Iwant to meet the father who
raised a son like this.
I heard those words and I sawwhere I was as a dad.
(15:04):
Everything was about me.
I realized I wasn't that guy,but I wanted to be that guy.
I remember my prayer, rightthere on my knees, right on the
front row.
I said God, I'm not that kindof father.
Turn me into a father who makesa difference with my kids.
(15:25):
And I was like you know, heloves those prayers.
That's great.
The different other make right,and so it's like this moment for
man when they realize thatthey're not here but they go to
this.
Really, the only source for mento be changed in anything is
(15:49):
when we encounter God, his word,his spirit, his life right.
And what was impossible in ourfamily story before is now part
of a legacy that we're leaving,you know, through the rest of
our generations, and that's just.
Do you find that is true withthe people you're working with?
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Yeah, absolutely we have.
When there are, when men giveeach other words of affirmation
and also of charge, there'sSomething inside of us that we
love, that we respect, that wewant that inside and some men
just don't know They've neverhad a man come to them and say
(16:35):
hey, I believe in you and I knowyou've got this word.
You're over here and we need tobring that.
Come on in right, and they,some many men, just need that.
I still remember sitting acrossthe table from my son.
I was a young dad, I was atherapist, I thought I had it.
You know I'll figure it outright there.
(16:55):
You know, just thinking as ayoung guy, you're like, yeah, I
got this.
Yeah, and I'm stressed out,wasn't doing well.
The marriage thing was kind ofwobbly.
I had a young daughter as well.
She was too.
He was, for he was sittingacross from me in the kitchen
table.
She's the two of us.
He had his plastic constructionset and he had it One of those
(17:16):
plastic screwdrivers, and I knowI was carrying stride, I know
that I looked, I was toxic atthe time.
It's kind of a darker placestill love God and all that, but
just not in the best places.
And he comes around the table,puts the screwdriver on my side
and says daddy, broken, needfixed.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Oh my goodness, right from Jesus.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
Man, I was crying.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
Broke in these things .
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Wow.
So he puts the screwdriver and,you know, tears start coming
out.
He probably thought he hurt me,maybe, I don't know, he's right
going, man, I put thisscrewdriver and water comes out
of my dad's eyes.
Uh, but I was going.
Lord, you're speaking directlyto my soul.
Oh man I still look back at thatmoment where it was a, it was a
complete shift of momentum inmy life when I realized, but
(18:07):
that that God was speaking to mein that moment, that I needed
To hear something to change mydirection.
And that's the part.
Can there be men that have asoft enough heart to hear that?
Or we harden like pharaoh,where we need nine different or
whatever you know the all weneed to have nine signs first
(18:29):
right.
Yeah, finally get it.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
What you're talking about is that God's made us From
the beginning.
The first man Was a wordactivated human being.
Yes let us make man in our image, right.
So words have great power andwe don't understand that.
Our words as fathers towardsour kids, harry, this prophetic
(18:59):
weight.
Well, we can lift them up andencourage them.
It's like what you're doingthese men, because their word
activated, like you are, you'respeaking Truth to them In that
when you speak God's word to,when you speak that over them,
it's like it's got thisIncredible power to.
(19:21):
It changes the believer insidethat guy To where he goes.
Well, in Christ, I can do thisRight.
It's like it changes thatbeliever Inside of him and it
makes him just, oh, my gosh, I'mchanging.
And your son, by the way, thatyou need that's a book, brother,
(19:43):
that's a book.
Right there, daddy, I'm gonnatell you you need to write that
with that story, a short book,because guys like Bathroom
reading size books, right, they,they want to be able to read
the whole thing and maybe two.
And just that image where yourson with that little plastic
screwdriver I mean that, what aword to a son, to a father Open
(20:11):
this little beginning.
Wow, that's awesome whathappened.
Speaker 2 (20:19):
What happened?
Speaker 1 (20:20):
from that moment then In your life, you, you realize
this how did God Begin to fatheryou into that?
That man, that husband, thatfather, that really he designed
you to be, that you really wantto be Right?
How did he start doing?
Speaker 2 (20:37):
Yep, well, you know, before that time there are
foundations for my grandfather,who was a man of God.
I observed him as a man ofprayer.
I think that impacted me.
My mom and dad were both.
They raised us in a Christianhome.
They were together.
They're both people of prayer,right, they're both faithful in
(21:01):
their love of Jesus.
Also my grandma with my grandma.
So a lot of faithfulness thereto set a foundation.
Now I'm in my marriage andthings are getting wobbly.
I'm getting a little bitfurther away from really
depending on God and moredepending on me.
And then the pridefulnesskicking in instead of the humble
(21:23):
heart, and that moment ofbrokenness helped me realize man
, I need help.
So I went in for counseling withmy wife, we went in together,
we got that and I gathered fourmen that I asked to be mentors
in my life and to speak into mylife to open that up, and that
(21:44):
has been fantastic.
I still meet with a couple ofthose guys, and that was a long
time ago.
My son's now 19.
Speaker 3 (21:52):
Wow, 19.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
And I'm still meeting together 19 years old, and it's
been fantastic to be able toreceive life-giving words from
other guys and, in correction,life-giving correction from them
along the way.
And it was a moment where myheart was taken to a place of
(22:14):
moldability and pliability byGod, because the softness of
what I felt towards my son, thelove towards him where I would
give my life for my son, and toknow that he saw that and that
God spoke through that, it justtotally softened the heart.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
Yeah, because you know we enter those times when
we're having our bad fatheringmoments For me anyway, yeah Is
when my identity shifts fromjust being a son to being a
preacher, pastor, evangelist orwhatever.
But when I'm measuring myselfand my output on those
(22:56):
identities which really inScripture they're just graces
and roles we play, it's not ourtrue identity Then what happens
is because we can lose our job,we can not put a football
anymore than who are you?
A lot of my friends, you know,stop wearing the jersey and
they're.
They've been struggling eversince.
(23:19):
They don't know who they are,and especially with men, when
that sense of identity issomething that's lost and he's
not sure about who God's homewould be.
He just, you know, he strugglesand he goes home, and now home
requires this emotional energy,right, and he's been spending
(23:42):
all day long feeling horribleabout who he is.
And he comes home and it's likeyou're late, you know, I know,
you know, and all of a sudden itjust piles on instead of you
know being in that place.
And so that's the question ofthe question.
You know how?
(24:02):
How did this kind of you know,a new found place of being a
father, begin to also help youlove your wife the way she
needed to be loved.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
And so that's the question.
I think that with with my wifeI remember back to one
conversation I had with a coach,so so I'll say, with my son and
my daughter, in unique waysthat soften my heart towards my
(24:38):
wife, and it created a heart ofgratitude which created love.
Gratitude in itself creates aplace where love can grow and
and a heart can be pliable.
So I think it made me gratefulfor for having a family, for
having a wife, a wife thatbrought these two kids made me
(24:59):
grateful for the things that shebrings in a unique way and just
have have loved that in ourgrowth, in the 25 years of
marriage that we have, how we'vegrown together.
We've grown to know each otherin a deeper way, we've grown to
love each other and our weaknessand our strength, and it's a
long game.
I remember this coach where Iwas on a basketball trip with a
(25:21):
team it was one of thosemissions, trips, teams and he
pulled this aside and he saidguys, I needed I need to say
this to you, to many of you aregoing to start thinking about
marriage.
I was just about to be marriedto my wife and he said I almost
got a divorce after two years wewere on the wrong path, as a
(25:43):
married couple and a guy toldhim hey, why don't you wake up
every morning?
First thought, making it, makean attempt to do this first
thought is to figure out what'sone thing that I can do for my
wife that would make her day abetter day, simple or complex.
Make that first thought as youget up, as a faithfulness to
(26:06):
your heavenly father, thatyou're taking care of his
daughter, that you are lovinghis daughter not taking care of,
but loving his daughter.
Well, and it struck me, I said,man, that sounds so simple.
One thing a day.
And as we got into the marriageand we hit this, this point, I
started to think that after thatI think that was our ninth year
(26:27):
marriage somewhere in therethat that happened.
And it started to hit me, man,if I do that and so we have fun
doing that every once in a whilenow where I'll ask my wife hey,
I want you to guess what theone thing is that I decided to
do today so that she could payattention to it and and I can,
(26:47):
we could do that as a jointeffort that I'm wanting to give
her a gift that day, whateverthat may be, whether it's a text
, or making her the breakfast orher lunch, whatever that is, I
want to serve her at least onetime very intentionally in the
day.
So puts my heart in the rightspot.
Well, and then what does thatshow my kids right as we're
(27:09):
doing day to day in our home andI love your, teaching your sons
how to love a woman.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
Yeah you're teaching your sons a kind of woman to
choose and you're teaching adaughter the kind of man she
should choose.
Right, yes, and trust me, heldyour daughter now.
Speaker 2 (27:29):
She's 17 and in fact she has prom this Friday.
And she told the young guy hey,you're going to have to ask my
dad.
Maybe, and I got to show up.
This was this last Monday.
I showed up at lunchtime.
He came up I can tell you asnurses.
I said, hey, are you supernervous right now?
He said I am freaked out, I amvery nervous.
(27:51):
And he says it's the first timeI've ever asked a girl out and
I, yeah, I'm super nervous.
I said you have a plan in place?
I'm very bad at planning.
I don't have any plans.
I said this is a good time toit's a good growth moment for
you.
I'm going to need a plan fromyou.
And he's respected that.
And her friends were watchingfrom a car nearby and said man,
(28:13):
your dad has a lot of.
He has high standards.
And my daughter said, dad, Iappreciate it.
She felt she feels safe Becauseyou have her heart.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Yes, yeah, and you have your daughter's heart.
She doesn't date projects.
No, he wants a guy like you.
But we got to be there.
And so wise of you, I mean, Idid the same things when they
had to show up here and I didn'tmind about the intimidation
thing.
I said you know you're shakingin your boots.
(28:54):
Yes, sir, I said we should be,because I I love my daughter so
much, so anybody who messes withher, I mess with I'm not going
to be like that, right?
So what's your question?
Son had one guy come by and hegoes Well, can I have your
daughter?
I go?
No, she's like a steak.
(29:18):
No, I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that.
I said no, listen, I'mprotecting you.
My daughter will eat you alive.
She's an amazing woman of God.
You're not ready to go out withmy daughter yet.
You go and get somediscipleship.
Maybe you can come back in afew months.
I left out.
That's my job.
(29:39):
You want my?
Go through me.
You know there's a great personbacks up where we're talking
here.
I don't know if you ever seenthis and Genesis 521.
It says that Enoch had lived 65years.
Then he fathered Methuselah.
And look what it says.
He said Enoch walked with GodAfter he fathered Missuselah 300
(30:01):
years and had other sons anddaughters.
Something happened to Enochwhen he fathered Methuselah and
he turned his life to God forthe 300 years after that.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
That's it.
I mean, that is, you know, partof, and he walked with God
until God just took him and hewas no more, so he didn't
actually die on the earth.
He's up there, you know,waiting on us.
Speaker 2 (30:40):
When I talked to this young man, yeah, I said.
And I said I'm gonna embarrassmy daughter right now, but I
need to get this out because Ireally believe in this.
You have been a contributor inher life.
He helps her with math, he hasbeen very patient with her
because she hates math and he'lltake, he'll put all his stuff
aside to do that for her and hasbeen a great friend of her.
(31:03):
And I said I have taught mydaughter to look for a
contributor and not a consumer.
Men are we're naturallyconsumers, but we are designed
as contributors.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
We find our fulfillment as contributors in
the consumer place.
We just land in pleasure and weactually land in places where
we miss out on what God hascreated us to do and who he's
created us to be.
And so for my daughter, I'vesaid hey, this is what a
contributor looks like, a personthat genuinely cares about you,
for your wellbeing.
(31:37):
A consumer will bring a facadeof that, but make sure you
observe, because many timesthey'll do certain things in
order to get something back.
It's a transaction rather thana servant heart, and that's what
you're looking for as you'relooking through the behaviors.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I said did you also give her a promise ring?
Speaker 2 (31:56):
I did not.
I did not do that.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
I did that with my daughters and I would reference
that with these boys.
And you see, that ring on hermarriage finger to be one day.
That's her promise before Godthat she's gonna hold her body
back until she gives this to herhusband at the altar and
exchanges for a wedding ring.
Oh, that's nice.
(32:20):
Are you man enough to make surethat ring doesn't even wiggle
at all?
That's not wiggle.
That's not wiggle.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
That's a great man, ed.
I would have had to go to thebathroom man at your house and
say, do you mind if I just usethe restroom real quick?
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yeah, yeah, cause I raised my daughters to not be
fearful and the way I did thatwas I took them out on dates and
model.
What a man was.
Speaker 2 (32:54):
That's great.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
Right, that's an incredible thing we can do,
because if we do that and wehave their heart as they're
growing up, they're gonna want aman like us, right, which is
the ultimate compliment for usas fathers.
Not the day, you know, bringhome Joe and you know Joe's not
(33:17):
that evil dad.
I know he's got a gargoyle onhis face and he's died by lids,
but he's really got a good heart.
Thank you very much.
No, no with lizard man.
Okay, he's like I'm gonna hatemy daughter, right, because it
gives her and they.
This one guy that I said no tomet me.
(33:40):
You know, months later it was atennis tournament in school and
he came up to me and he said Ijust want to tell you how much
that meant to me.
I said what do you mean?
He says my sister just gotpregnant.
She's 14 years old, my dad'snot in either one of our lives
and she's so desperate to beloved that she, she's now
(34:04):
pregnant and gonna have a babyat 14.
And so fatherhood, you know, isone of you know, for us as men,
you know, being a husband isincredibly important, but being
a father is vital for acommunity to exist and culture
(34:24):
to exist, and you know you havea loving relationship with your
wife, but learning how to bethat present, loving dad which
every you know.
Every guy wants to besomebody's hero, and when your
kids are the one going, have youmet my dad?
(34:47):
He's a hero.
I mean, he's been there in mylife.
He confesses his sin to us.
When he's broken, we pray forhim.
He's leading, it, leads us toChrist.
He's not perfect, but he's allin.
I mean that's what our kidswant today.
(35:09):
Yes, they do Imagine what.
Speaker 2 (35:10):
The playfulness the guidance the affection.
All those things are part ofwho we are and we can bring it
when we are all in it.
When we are all in it, you justsaid yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
So you know, so you're ministering to a lot of
you know parents right now.
What are some of the?
I mean, I just met with a guyyou were watching a podcast with
.
He says here's an amazing reachin how many kids he's in front
of preaching.
I mean God, just, yeah, justhundreds of thousands kids a
(35:47):
year, and so I asked him thisquestion.
I won't tell you his answer,but what are the keys that
you've seen that really opens upthe heart of kids to their
father?
Where's some things that dadscan do that will really help
their kids connect back withtheir dad right, so that their
(36:10):
dad becomes a voice in theirlife Instead of leave me alone?
You know you're always raggingon me.
You know you're moving kidsfrom that looking to their
friends for identity or theirphone for identity.
To get that, what are some ofthe keys that you've seen that
(36:32):
will be helpful to some of theguys that are watching?
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Yeah, and you hit on one of them, a big one is just
being present, persistent inyour presence, and there's a
difference on how you're present.
Are you attentive, are youtuned?
What's your tone like?
Are you genuinely concerned inlove towards your child?
(36:58):
So I mean, it's concern wouldbe not that you're worried, but
that you're really wanting toknow who this child is in front
of you, that God has created andhas given, has invited you to
be a co-creator with.
You know, there's an invitationto co-create with our children
in their lives.
The soul, this human being, andGod has invited us into that.
(37:20):
Do we see that with gratitude?
So, as you show up with that,because your child experience
that in their imperfections andall where they're spilling out
their emotions, they're angry,they're frustrated with you, and
you show up steadfast, that'snot going to change your love,
it's not going to change yourtone, it's not going to change
who you are.
You're going to say I love you,I love you and I'm sorry for
(37:44):
this, I'm sorry for that.
You own what you can and whatyou should and what you could.
I'll say the could.
You could own those things thatyou know you need to own, and
then the things that they'reblaming you for, that you know
are not ownership.
You don't have to own those,but you can say I'm sorry, I
love you, and then hugs go ahuge way.
(38:06):
That affection, that physicalaffection towards your kids in a
safe way, is powerful, sostrong.
But the idea is persistence.
It's not dependent on whetherit's safe or not for you.
Are you creating safety in therelationship so it can get to
connectedness?
That's so good.
Yeah, we carry so manyinsecurities, all of us, and we
(38:29):
need to admit that.
And when you come into yourkids you go man, my insecurities
spill out, sometimes in waysthat are hurtful.
Sometimes emotions come out.
I'm working on that and I'm apiece of work that's going to
continue until I die, but I wantto figure out every day how to
show it better for theinvitation that I've got.
And man, I love being your dad,and the more you say that and as
(38:55):
you experience rejection, right, you can still, as you're
persistent and patient whichit's hard for us to have, as you
have that God is going to mendthat in a very slow way, just
like a wound that you're havingto stitch up that takes so long
to heal.
Sometimes you have to gothrough physical therapy for big
wounds to the body.
Well, this is a relationalwound.
(39:16):
Be patient with it and just beconsistent and then be praying
for God's guidance for you andfor your child's heart to be
softened.
And just know, I love thatverse again, the one of being
able to rise.
Let us go from here.
Remind yourself every day as agift it's a new one, You've
never lived in it and be patientwith it.
(39:39):
The other one that's impactfulis John 737 to 38.
On 38 he says whoever believesin me, as the scriptures have
said, out of his heart will flowrivers of living water.
Have you be the one.
Picture yourself bringing that,that life, giving the life,
giving words, the, theappointments that you make your
(40:04):
kids.
Like you said, the one on onetime, maybe taking a walk with
your kids, and the last one ishave your child teach you
something.
Yeah, show your vulnerable thereto say hey, I notice you love
this, You're good at it.
I want to learn from you.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
When can you do that so good?
Yeah that's powerful, you know.
It's one of the ways I you knowthe father showed me how to get
my kids.
You know, because we're youknow parents would go hey, you
need to read your Bible.
Well, that means nothing tothem.
So I was like Lord, how do I dothis?
(40:38):
And I remember my son was oneof my sons.
Come, he's little son.
He's knocked on my door.
I'm studying and I had my Bibleand I could.
He goes, what are you doing?
I said I want to spend timewith God.
He goes Can I spend time withGod too?
I said Sure.
(40:58):
So I passed my Bible, but itwas upside down because I'm
reading it.
I didn't turn around here.
No, he didn't read yet and he'slooking at me and I got my
finger going like this and Ilook over and he's doing that
and I'm kind of mumbling thewords to myself and I'm look
over and he's moving his lips.
Speaker 3 (41:23):
And you know something happened.
Speaker 1 (41:25):
That was my oldest son, edward so, where he sends
me scriptures every day, thingsthat God is speaking to him,
because that whole thing aboutletting him teach you something,
and the other thing that that Ido is I go.
You know, I just read this.
What do you think it means?
Yeah, that's great.
(41:47):
And you just let and don't givethem the answer.
Don't set them up like, oh, yougot all the answers.
Just say what do you think thismeans and just wait and let
them.
You know, whatever they say, go.
Wow, thanks, boy, that's good.
Never thought about that way.
Especially if you're a preacher.
You take that again.
You know, I was teaching on thescripture and my son came to me
(42:10):
and when I use my kids names, Ihad to give him a quarter.
Every time I use quarter, andthen they went in a raise in my
term and she, then I couldn'tafford it, but it's like it's.
It's like you're, you're in areal way, you're.
You're saying, when you askthem questions like that, I
(42:32):
really believe in God's call andanointing on your life that
you're going to be able todiscover the same truth that I
get to discover.
And so you're, you, you'redrawn it out of them and when
they respond, they, they own itand they they because they've
(42:55):
not taught you something.
And they might even say, hey,mom, I just taught dad how to
read the Bible.
It's like awesome, that'sawesome, right.
So it's just part of being thatpresent, loving dad that you
know our kids today are justdesperate for.
Well, you know, it's just beenrich being with you and what
(43:19):
you're doing there on focus andlove your ministry, love your
leader.
You got to buy him Buffaloburgers.
Oh, he's a, he's a great fan ofjust really serious.
It's great, it's lean beef.
And so there's some I knowthere's some dads that are
(43:42):
watching right now, some men,maybe even some women who are.
You know, they're sort of likeyou two did a song years ago
called stuck in a moment, andit's a.
It was a picture of a dot andall the arrows coming in, and he
sings about how you're stuck ina moment until you learn that
(44:05):
real living is when you reversethat and you're in the center
but all the arrows go out of youand you're given back.
And so there's men right nowthat are just feel stuck because
of the past.
Would you, you know?
Would you pray for him rightnow and just just whatever God
(44:26):
puts on you for these guys andpray for him.
Speaker 2 (44:31):
I would love to and just a word of thought for the
guys that have experiencedextreme loneliness, felt
rejected, felt like they weren'tcared for as young men or felt
really discounted completelyKnow that God was present.
(44:52):
I want you to picture thosemoments, be open with it, go
back to that memory and thenpicture where God was in that
time with you, because he wasthere.
He's always been there with youand watching you, and I want
you to envision that and figureout what.
How differently would you feelactually seeing him there
watching you and feeling thepain of seeing you go through
(45:15):
that, because he would didn'ttake you away from that.
It's part of your story.
Yet he's wanting you to see itas a redeemed memory so that you
can bring these amazing wordsand the amazing gifts that he
has inside of you to your kidsand to those around you.
And two practical things if youwant to start today with your
(45:38):
kids with a win, I want to.
I wanted to see if I have onehere with me.
Well, just take a chalk marker,talk about this all the time
with with dads.
Take a chalk marker, go towhere your kids are going to see
themselves and your wife,surprise them by putting a
circle around where they'regoing to see themselves, and
then write words that you knoware true, about who God has
(46:00):
created them to be, and see whatkind of response you get there.
That's one quick win that youcan have where there's a changed
heart.
And then make it consistent,make that one marker thing,
something you consistently do.
You write verses, quotes,things that you want to tell
them.
And then, if you another optionwould be to just put little
(46:21):
notebooks, little littlejournals that each person spot
just say hey, let's bring thelife in our home, and I'm going
to start it.
And you write the first pagefor everyone in your, around
your dinner table and it beginsthere.
It's all that books alwaysthere for people to write life
giving worse to one another, andyou begin the momentum.
So you get the one victorythat's when you can start today.
(46:45):
So, heavenly Father, thank you.
Thank you for this opportunity,lord, to just talk about men
and what you're calling us intothe invi, the grand invitation
to be a dad, to be a husband, tobe a man, and that you've given
us the life, a gift of life inin us, and I just asked right
(47:08):
now for guys that are in themidst of pain, of self blame, of
guilt, of shame, place wherethey feel empty or powerless, or
helpless.
A place, mentally, wherethey're saying I have nothing to
offer.
I, you know I've already ruinedit, I messed up already.
Lord, help them to escape fromthose lies, lord, and help them
(47:29):
to rise from here, from today,one victory at a time.
We know that in climbingmountains, in sports, it's one
point at a time, one step at atime.
It's no different when we'retrying to repair relationships
and trying to to go a newdirection.
And I just pray for patience,for guidance and, lord, I pray
(47:52):
that they will sense youcompletely and they'll be
strengthened by you and not leanon their own strength at all.
Lord, help us, each in our ownjourneys with you, to see you
clearly, to be in closecommunication with you and to
know that we don't need to beperfect, we need to be loving
(48:13):
and we need to be filled by yourspirit and in that your
ministry through us can, can,can, happen.
And we know that apart from you,we can do nothing, and I pray
that we will all.
Everyone listening here, all ofus will learn how to depend on
you wholeheartedly.
We love you, lord Jesus name,amen, amen.
Speaker 1 (48:35):
Man, like an old country man said to me one time
well, man, that prayer wasstronger than circus dirt.
Speaker 2 (48:46):
That's good, that's good, and my daughter wants to
be in the circus.
So there you go, I mean that'sawesome.
Speaker 1 (48:53):
Well, it's awesome to be with you, my brother, and
exciting things.
Blessings to your whole, focuson the family and remember, if
you're watching, it's never toolate for you to be the husband
or father that God has alwaysdreamed you can be.
It's a great day to learn more.
Get this podcast, share it withyour friends.
So much coming from Dr Dannyhere, and it's just an honor.
(49:18):
And we got some free resourceswe'll have as well in the bio.
God bless you.
Speaker 3 (49:27):
We hope you enjoyed the Father Difference podcast.
Are you ready to learn moreabout the Father Difference?
But we have a special gift foryou in the bio to help you get
started.
Remember the father loves youand wants you to make the father
difference in your family.
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