November 3, 2025 • 45 mins
A sunrise above the clouds changed everything. Not because it was beautiful—though it was—but because, in that blinding light atop a Bali volcano, I realized that staying “safe” was costing me more than the unknown. That moment cracked open a life I’d been trying to hold together with logic, approval, and the illusion of security.
In this episode of The Femme Cast, I take you on the messy, luminous journey from a cushy, misaligned career and relationships to a soul-led life that feels fully, vibrantly aligned. You’ll hear the truth about burnout culture—the late-night emails, the praise of exhaustion, the quiet punishment for boundaries—and why logic often keeps us trapped long after our body says no. I share how I dismantled external expectations and internalized beliefs, confronted fear and uncertainty, and followed intuition over logic, even when it felt wildly nonsensical.
Along the way, I reveal:
🎤 The subtle signs of misalignment in work and life
🎤 How to release relationships, friendships, and beliefs that no longer serve you
🎤 Solo practices that rebuild self-trust and inner authority
🎤 My transformative Bali volcano sunrise—fear, sweat, and awe as a catalyst for rebirth
🎤 The exact moment I handed in my resignation and reclaimed my energy
🎤 Navigating the unknown after leaving security behind
🎤 How purpose shows up as breadcrumbs, not a five-year plan
🎤 Building a global, voice-led podcast from alignment, not obligation
If you’ve ever felt trapped by the life you built, suffocated by expectations, or caught between safety and soul, this episode is your roadmap to awakening. I show you how to honor that quiet, insistent voice inside you and take the next aligned step—even if it scares the hell out of you.
For anyone standing on their own ridge, ready to shed what no longer fits:
You are not failing. You are initiating. Every fear, doubt, and misstep is a breadcrumb toward the life that’s waiting for you. Step into the infinite possibility that begins the moment you choose yourself. Let this episode be the sign you’ve been waiting for—your soul is ready, and so are you.
✦ Free Gift — 21‑Day Visibility Challenge
A simple, heart-led challenge for ambitious, soul-led women ready to show up unapologetically online.
Boost your visibility, deepen your connection with your audience, and attract the right people who convert.
https://thefemmecast.kit.com/challenge
✦90-Minute Breakthrough Session — Power, Purpose, Impact
A deep-dive session to help ambitious, soul-led women break free from emotional blocks, heal old patterns, and fully reclaim their power, purpose, influence, and impact.
Step fully into your unapologetic era.
https://www.thefemmecast.com/breakthrough
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:47):
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
I so I wanted to kind ofcontinue down this storytelling
little rabbit hole of I guesswhat kind of you know led me to
where I am today.
Like when I think back, like sowe talked about in the last
episode, we talked about, youknow, the moment I realized
(01:08):
really that my life just was notaligned for me and how hard I
was trying to hold on to allthese different aspects of my
life.
And, you know, how I I actuallyfind it started to really let go
of all that and and reallystarted to create a internally
led or an internally guidedlife, one that actually
(01:29):
resonated and made sense andfelt aligned for me, which to me
really talks about, you know,coming into alignment with who
you're meant to be and how youwho you're who you're meant to
be and how you're meant to livein this life, right?
It really is essentially, we'retalking about, you know,
purpose, soul path.
Um, and that's nothing that willever be figured out logically.
(01:53):
It always it's it's a feltprocess, it's a powerful and
scary and often wildlynonsensical felt process.
Okay.
Um I will give you an example.
So um, you know, after you know,I talked about last week when I
(02:15):
had that moment on the highwaywhen I was like, oh my god, I
just can't live this lifeanymore.
And it's why I turn the cararound and I don't want to go
back to my normal life ever,ever, ever again.
So after that day began what Isaid was a massive unfolding of
my old life and almost like adeath of the old me, like slowly
(02:35):
over time.
Um, where I started to let go alot of the first externally,
right?
First it was letting goexternally of the relationships
of the who I was and who I wasbeing in the world and the
friendships and the and and andthe intimate connections, and
you know, there was adismantling of all of that, and
then there was an internaldismantling that happened of
(02:56):
beliefs and systems and um fearsand doubts and um patterns that
I had been um, you know, kind ofliving with for so long.
And so there was this wheneverything started to peak,
right?
(03:17):
And this was when I had walkedaway from most of my
relationships.
My I ended the the the I endedthe misaligned relationship, the
partner that I had been with forfor many years.
I ended a lot of my friendships,I'd walked away from all of
that.
I'd still kept the career.
Don't ask me why.
That was really hard for me tolet go of because it was very,
very, very cushy.
(03:38):
And it was very, I mean, like, Imean, there was just, you know,
it was it was the logical, itwas the logical, what's it
called?
The carrot at the end of thetime, like it was the carrot at
the end.
Like it was like, I worked sohard for this.
I have put up with so much inthis company that I've been
(03:59):
working with for like, I don'tknow, I I think I'd been with
them for like at least 10 yearsat this point.
Um, it was a great company.
The benefits were great, thegrowth potential was great.
It was like literally the job amillion girls would kill for,
but not in fashion, that's theonly thing.
But it felt like it was afashion show every day walking
into work, let me just tell you.
Um it was the job a milliongirls would kill for, and I had
(04:23):
it.
And it was, you know, it had somany bells and whistles attached
to it at the cost of my peaceand well-being and happiness.
And so I was trading all that infor what felt like the
opportunity of a lifetime likeI'd be an idiot to leave this
(04:44):
job, you know, an idiot.
And so, long story short, I tookmyself on my very first, because
you know, in doing this work andand making the moves and making
the changes and going throughthe motions of, you know,
rediscovering who I am, lettinggo of all the pieces, letting go
of all the parts that wereforced and inauthentic and
(05:06):
didn't feel aligned, to nowopening myself up to
rediscovering, okay, well, who Iwho was I beyond all that that
maybe I hadn't been payingattention to, or that, you know,
maybe kind of got left by thewayside, right?
So I started to go out and Istarted to do things and I
started to do things that I'dwanted to do for so long that
I'd never given myselfpermission to.
(05:27):
Like I started to take dancelessons, I started to do things
by myself, go to movies bymyself, take myself out for nice
dinners and take myself to like,you know, a park somewhere with
a blanket and a notebook and alittle picnic and just journal
by a waterfall.
Like this became like my MO.
And, you know, and this was thiswas coming from someone who
wouldn't even so much as go to acoffee shop by herself.
(05:49):
Okay.
Um, and now suddenly I was doingall these things, which I think
for me was part of probably thebiggest healing experience to be
able to go out and do things onmy own in my own company without
needing somebody else there tohold my hand, to distract me
from what I'm thinking orfeeling, or to somehow make me
feel validated and that I'm notalone in the world.
(06:10):
I don't know, so many things.
But anyway.
So the first step was to go outand actually start doing things
on my own.
Then I actually took decided totake my first solo trip on my
own.
So I booked a 10-day trip toBali and I was terrified because
I'd never gone anywhere, and nowI'm getting on a plane for like
to go like to the other side ofthe world, literally from where
(06:33):
I am.
Um, so I'm in the west, Bali'sin the east, I'm in the north,
Bali's in the south.
It's just good night.
I was like literally going tothe opposite corner of the
earth.
Um, and so I book this trip andI go, and the first few days
that I'm there, you know, I'mkind of like, you know, just
loafing by the pool and youknow, ordering from the the the
(06:57):
the home stays menu while I'mthere, like basically not
leaving the property for likethe first two, three days.
Um, and then finally, like,dude, you came all this way,
fucking go, you know?
Um, so I started to I started tobook a whole bunch of
excursions.
A lot of them I did on my own.
Some of them I did on my own, alot of them I did with a guide.
Um, but only because like I hadno transportation, I was not
(07:22):
getting on a scooter in Bali.
That was not happening, at leastnot at this point.
Um, and um, so started to do allthese amazing things and started
to go to like, you know, all thedifferent places you want to go
to.
You know, when you're visitingBali, I went to Semeniac, I went
to Ubud, I went to like all thetemples, I went to Tanalat, um,
(07:42):
visited one of the other, likethe smaller islands off
Nusalembogen.
So there was um it, it was, itwas 10 days that was completely
outside of my comfort zone andlike stretched me in ways I
didn't even think was possible.
(08:02):
On the last couple of days thatI was there, I finally did.
I'd always wanted to, I'd seenthis online so many times and I
couldn't wait.
And I kept setting the intentionthat if I ever go to Bali, I'm
I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna dothe volcano climb.
So you do this volcano climbwhere you start climbing in the
middle of the night to get tothe top to watch a sunset over
the clouds on the top of avolcano.
I did this.
I thought I was gonna die.
Like there were so many times,like walking up that volcano,
(08:25):
like, I'm not gonna make it.
I'm not gonna make it, I'm gonnadie.
And there's literally dudes likevomiting next to me, right?
Probably because they were alsovery dehydrated and probably had
a lot to drink the night before,which I did not.
I was smart, I was rested, I washydrated.
I like I knew, even though I wasin great shape at the time, I'm
(08:45):
like, I need to be in tip topshape if I'm gonna be doing
this.
It's I think it's like 1700meters above sea level, but
you're not climbing like 70,1700 meters because you really
don't start climbing until maybethe last, I don't know, maybe
700 meters because you'realready like well above sea
level when you start actuallyclimbing, right?
(09:05):
Because it's in an elevatedarea.
Anyway, I I digress.
So, anyway, we're climbing up inthe middle of the night.
We stop for coffee in thislittle volcano village at the
base, right before we go up.
And then at some at I think itwas like around 3 a.m., 4 a.m.,
3 a.m., I think we startclimbing to the top of this
volcano.
It was a three-hour, three orfour-hour climb, if I'm not
mistaken.
(09:25):
Um, and so by the time like, youknow, two hours in, I'm like
ready to pass out.
I'm like, I'm feeling nauseousalso because of the, you know,
working out, but also because ofthe altitude.
It's still dark out.
Um, so there's nothing to reallylike, there's nothing
awe-inspiring about being upthere.
(09:46):
All I can see is darkness,right?
And we've got these like littleflashlights that are like
guiding us up the side of thismountain, which thankfully was
not like it wasn't like avertical climb by any means.
It was, it was just, if I had todescribe it, it was just a very
aggressive, very challenginghike with some steep spots,
right?
(10:06):
But nothing vertical or anythinglike that.
It was, it was pretty, it waspretty modest as far as volcano
climbs go.
So by the time we got to thetop, and I I I so many times I
wanted to quit.
And I remember my guide sayingto me, Are you sure?
You really want to miss a sunsetfrom the top?
Like, you're so close.
And I'm like, no, I'm not gonnamiss it.
Nope, I'm going.
So I go to the top, I get to thetop of this volcano.
(10:29):
And it was literally just as thesun was starting to like come up
from beyond the cloud, frombehind the clouds.
And I'm I'm I'm I just I sitdown and you know, over my
panting, because I'm tired, I'mlike, right, trying to catch my
breath.
But also like just kind ofseeing the sun just slowly start
to come up over like, and I'mactually that's that's so funny.
(10:51):
I'm actually seeing the sign,the sun peak on my forehead
right now.
Um, seeing the sun come up fromthe like from above the clouds,
and just taking that in.
And I and I remember thinking,and I'm of here I am, I'm
watching the sun come up.
It's the brightest, biggest sunI've ever seen in my life.
I right next to me, I have thispassage right down to the center
(11:12):
of the earth, and uh you know,I've got this sun right in front
of me that's like I've neverfelt closer to God.
I felt like I was like betweenworlds.
I felt like it was literallylike being being lodged between
heaven and earth in that moment.
And I remember thinking nothingelse is ever gonna be the same
again after this moment.
Nothing.
Nothing.
(11:33):
My life will never be the sameagain.
I will never be the same againafter this moment.
And I just remember just sittingthere and taking it all in and
not speaking a word to anybody.
Um, and just feeling thecloseness, feeling the closeness
to God and feeling the closenessto Mother Earth, and just
feeling this sense of peace andserenity that I had never
(11:54):
experienced before.
And suddenly feeling like thisis the most aligned I have ever
felt.
11-11 on the clock, as I saythat.
And so, you know, I stayed upthere for as long as I could,
and then, you know, we watchedthe sun come up, we had
breakfast.
Um we looked at the views, whichwere breathtaking, by the way.
(12:19):
And it was like literally like awhole volcanic region.
So there was another volcanojust opposite us, and we were
like looking at the lake and thetowns in between, and it's just
just the most magical experienceto be able to see this and
literally be standing aboutabove cloud level, um, like was
far beyond anything I everexperienced in the very flat,
(12:40):
boring region of the world thatI live in, right?
Um, so you know, that was justso perspective changing in so
many ways, I think, for me.
And I think when I came backfrom that trip, you know, came
home that night and I thought Iwas gonna be in pain.
Mind you, the trip down thevolcano was much scarier than
(13:01):
the trip up because now the sunis up.
I can see how high I am, and I'mlike, you're crazy if you think
I'm coming, climbing down theside of this mountain.
Where's a helicopter?
Is there a helicopter coming?
Because I am not climbing downthis motherfucker.
There was no helicopter.
So I literally had to like climbdown this volcano.
I think I probably scooched downon my ass more than I actually
(13:23):
walked, but that's okay.
Um, I eventually made it to thebottom.
My guide was totally laughing atme.
I did not give a shit.
Um, and I got back home and Iremember they had like this like
special meal ready for me, andthey were like, you know,
looking at my pictures andasking questions, and they're
like, and the next day I woke upand I just got up and started
walking, and I went to thebeach, and he's like, How are
(13:45):
you?
Like, are you not in pain?
Like, you climbed a volcanoyesterday.
I'm like, honestly, I'm like,I've never felt better in my
life, which was really bizarreto me because I would have
thought I would have been indying pain that day, but I
wasn't.
Um, it was actually the mosteuphoric feeling, and it took
days for that.
I took days for me to come downfrom that.
(14:06):
And so that was like a coupledays into like that was a couple
days towards the end of my trip.
And so I think two or three dayslater, I was on a flight and I
was going home.
And the next week I was at workand I was sitting in my desk in
my cubicle, and I was looking atmy boss who irritated the crap
out of me.
And she was, you know, yetterrorizing yet another poor
soul, not me, thank goodness,but she was terrorizing yet
(14:28):
another poor poor soul with herum very um authoritative
embodied presence, um, and kindof you know, politely ripping
them a new one is probably thebest way to say it.
Um, and just you know, thankingGod it wasn't me.
And, you know, looking around atthe people like all around me,
just seeing that look of of youknow, just why am I here on
(14:54):
their faces, right?
And I'm suddenly starting tofeel like, why am I here?
Like, why?
And everything's starting tofeel hard, and everything is
like sending an email, a simpleemail.
And I used to write the mostcomplex communications like that
would go to the highest levelswithin the organization.
And yet here I am trying towrite a simple email, and it's
(15:17):
taking me two hours, and itfeels like I'm swimming through
fucking quicksand, and I'm like,I just can't do this anymore.
Like, I can't, like, I I've itliterally felt like I was ready
to crawl out of my own skin.
That's how misaligned I felt inthat moment.
But everything logically wastelling me, you're crazy.
(15:43):
You're crazy.
You can't leave this, you can'tleave this job, you can't leave
the security, you can't leavethe benefits, you can't leave,
you can't like you're crazy.
What will again?
There's that question, what willthey think if you leave?
Right?
And so I put it out of sight,out of mind.
Again, I ignored myself.
(16:04):
Again, I ignored everything myintuition was trying to tell me,
and I tried to sweep it underthe rug, and I said, but this is
great.
This is like a million girlswould kill for this job, right?
Here we go back to the devilwears product quotes.
A million girls would kill forthis job, and I had it.
(16:26):
And yet, every cell in my bodywas like, leave this
motherfucking job, it's not foryou.
But I couldn't because logic wastelling me, no, no, you need to
stay.
This is good.
Benefits, good, retirement,good, um, all everything good, a
(16:47):
possibility for promotion, good.
Um, and when I tell you, likejust, you know, and I had moved
up pretty quick in thatorganization, but where I was at
in that moment, right?
Like I'd moved up very quicklythrough the organization and I
had been promoted several times.
And, you know, my managersalways saw nothing but potential
(17:09):
in me until this particularrole.
When this particular role fellinto my lap, suddenly, just
trying to get a meetsexpectations on my annual review
felt like I needed to like, youknow, jump through hoops of fire
to get, you know, never mind apromotion, never mind getting a
raise, just trying to get ameets expectations.
(17:32):
I felt like I had to jumpthrough hoops of fire to get it.
Otherwise, I was like notmeeting expectations, which was
for me was like that neverhappened.
And then, you know, when I thinkback to, well, um I, you know, I
was working like probably likenine, 10-hour days on the
regular emails being sent at 11o'clock at night, you know, if I
(17:56):
didn't take my laptop home or ifI didn't respond to emails, I
also had the BlackBerry with theemails attached to it, right?
If I didn't like, if I if Ididn't work more than 10 hours a
day, like if I if I if I didn'tshow up to work at eight and
leave later than seven, it waslike, oh, that's so nice of you
that you know you take yourwork-life balance so seriously.
(18:18):
I'm like, work-life balance,work-life balance means I work
like a seven and a half hour dayand I take my lunch and then I
go home.
And then I don't check my emailuntil the next day when I come
back to work.
Right?
Like it was just so crazy.
And I think around the same,around the same time, sorry,
motorcycle going by.
Um, I think around the same timethey had passed a law that it
(18:38):
was, I think it was around thistime, they had passed a law in
the GTA that it was illegal forworkplaces to email you after
working hours were done.
Um I don't think anybody paidattention to that.
But then nobody did anythingabout it either.
Like it wasn't like anybody wasgonna report their boss, right?
So it's kind of like, oh yeah,thanks for the law, but could
(18:59):
you do better?
But anyway.
Um, so yeah, it was like this,it was like this thing, like if
you weren't like, you know,working past seven o'clock or if
you weren't like checking youremails at 11 o'clock, you know,
you were kind of seen as thenon-committed, non-passionate,
like you weren't the candidatefor promotion.
The candidate for promotion andfor a raise was the person who
clock talked to their emails assoon as they woke up at 6 a.m.
(19:21):
was literally emailing peoplewhile they were getting ready
and eating their Cheerios in thefucking morning.
And then constantly, like on thego, go, go, go, go, no lunch.
Why would you anybody take alunch?
You can eat your lunch while yougo pee, right?
Kind of mentality, or eat yourlunch while you're in a meeting
and then stay there until seveno'clock until the lights start
to dim, and then you can finallygo home, quickly have a bite,
maybe take a five-minutebreather before you get back on
(19:43):
the emails again until 11o'clock when you go to bed.
That's the person who gotpromoted.
I was not gonna be that personever, right?
Ever, it ever was I gonna bethat person.
First of all, I'm exhausted justsaying it.
Okay.
Um and so, but logic was tellingme that this is the way.
(20:09):
This is the way you're supposedto be going.
(21:43):
This is this is this is whatmakes sense.
This is what's cushy, this iswhat's safe, this is security,
this is longevity, right?
You need to go this route whenyou know, behind the scenes, my
soul was trying trying to tellme the whole time, babe, this is
not for you.
And that's why you're not happy,and that's why it feels again,
(22:04):
forced like you're trying tohold on to something, to cling
to something, to make it work.
You're sacrificing all theselike parts of yourself in order
to meet the expectations of thisone thing that you're trying to
hold on to, and all the whilethere's a part of you that's
hiding, that's dimming, that'sdying in the process.
(22:27):
And even though it makes nosense, you have to follow what
that intuition is guiding youtowards, even though, and you
know what?
I'm not telling everybody who'slistening to please don't.
This is not a call to go out andquit your job tomorrow.
But this is a call to look atwhat parts again, what parts are
you trying to hold on to thatjust aren't working for you?
(22:50):
What parts of you are you areare you hiding that you want to
bring some light to, that youwant to follow through with,
that you want to take some stepstowards to see what might
unfold.
Do it gently.
You don't have to like teareverything down and blow
everything up in one week theway I did.
Well, it wasn't a week, it wasover time, but you know what I
mean.
It happened pretty quick.
(23:10):
Um, and the whole thing with,you know, this was probably this
was the spring before I leftthat job.
The next few months were brutalbecause I I went to Bali, it was
right after my birthday, becauseit was a birthday gift for me.
So I think I went to Bali, Ithink I went to Bali in like May
or June of that year.
(23:31):
And so when I got back, um, fromJune till around January,
February, those months werepainful.
Like they were so my soul was inpain.
And then by February, I March, Ithink it was around that time, I
had this massive falling outwith my boss.
And I finally said to her, I go,there's like I I remember she
(23:53):
had gone on vacation, they hadleft us with a like this big
assignment, the whole team hadthis massive assignment, each of
us had a part to play in it.
Um, and the way the instructionswere kind of laid out, it didn't
like there, there were someinconsistencies in some of the
information that was being askedin terms of what she anyway.
Long story short, I had to getclarification.
(24:14):
So I did, um, I spoke to theother one of the other leads
that was there, and and and andyou know, we kind of
brainstormed what we how we weregoing to move forward with it.
So I went ahead with it.
I did it.
She looked at it, she'd like,yeah, great, perfect.
My boss comes back.
Basically, the whole thing wasan epic fail.
It was a complete disaster andnothing at all what she was
looking for.
(24:34):
Um, and you know, uh, it got tothe point where it was like I
was basically, you know, the theother, the other, my other boss
who I had spoken, because I hadtwo bosses at the time.
This was great.
The other boss that I had spokento at the time that gave me the
go-ahead to do it that way wasnot saying a word, basically
(24:55):
threw me under the bus.
And then so I was at thismoment, and and these things
will happen.
They will happen to kind of liketo shake you, right?
They don't happen randomly, likeit was such a freak incident
where I was like, I literallythought I had done the best
work, and I was like, so likeum, what's it called?
(25:19):
I was so proud of what I'daccomplished.
And then here comes my boss,who's like basically ripping me
as like what she loved to dowith everybody.
Now she's ripping me a new one.
How could you have done this?
This was not what we werelooking for at all.
This is a complete and epicfail.
You told me you understood,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, I did, but I, youknow, I just saw some
(25:40):
clarification as I was movingthrough it.
Like, there's one thing that we,you know, there's always that
one, there's always it's alwaysdifferent when you're planning
something versus when youactually go to execute.
And questions came up during theexecution that I did not
anticipate when we were liketalking about this.
Was not hearing me, was notletting me speak, was not
listening to reason, was notunderstanding.
I'm like, you know what?
Finally, I said, I go, there isno pleasing you.
(26:02):
I am done.
I'm simply done.
Like, I'm done putting up withabuse from you.
I am done being bullied by you.
I am done being terrorized byyou, and I'm done, you know,
trying to force myself to, to,to, to, what's it called, um, to
fit into what you what yourexpectations are of who you
think, like, you know what Imean?
(26:22):
Like it just it felt so wrongfor me.
It felt so forced for me.
And, you know, yes, a lot of ithad to do with her and how she
treated people and how shetreated relationships at work,
but a lot of it had to do reallywith me and the choices I was
making and who I was trying tobe that was not in alignment
(26:43):
with who I really was.
And that's what was reallycoming to the surface in all of
this is that I was trying toforce myself to do something
that for me brought me no realfulfillment, no real joy, was
constantly draining me, wasconstantly stressing me, would
(27:04):
constantly make me wasconstantly making me feel like I
had to force being successfuland being good at my job and
force my my job to kind of besecure for me.
And so, and and all of itrequired that I basically turn
my back on who I was and what Ireally wanted for the sake of
(27:27):
security and comfort and and youknow, longevity.
And so finally in that moment, Iwas like, I can't, like I'm I'm
actually just I wasn't just donewith her, I was done with just
being miserable and being at asoul-sucking job where I felt
like, you know, I really wasn'tgetting anything out of.
(27:47):
Because I can tell you rightnow, when you're staying for,
when you're staying at a job forthe money, for the benefits, for
the longevity, for theopportunities, you know, when
those things get taken away,like, you know, you're not
getting the promotions, you'renot getting the raises, you're
not getting the the recognitionsor the alkalades, and now it's
like, well, why am I here now?
Not because I love what I'mdoing, not because it's
(28:09):
enjoyable for me.
Certainly not because it, youknow, inspires me or sets my
soul on fire, right?
Like, why am I here?
Because I'm miserable.
(30:49):
And so I sort of you start torealize that the cost of staying
is so much more expensive thanthe cost of leaving, and so much
scarier than the thought ofleaving.
And so finally, that moment, I'mlike, you'll have my notice by
the end of the day.
And she came at me mockingly.
She was like, okay, fine.
She came at me mockingly at theend of the day.
(31:09):
She goes, So, you have somethingfor me?
I'm like, Yep, here you go.
Handed in my letter ofresignation.
She turned white in the face,she went crying to the to
leadership about what hadhappened.
And I was done.
I said, I will gladly give youas much time as you need to find
a replacement because I washandling a lot at the time.
I was, you know, and I knew itwould take them some time to
(31:31):
find a you know, a suitablereplacement and to trainer.
Um, I said, I will stay as longas you need me to stay in order
to find somebody suitable toreplace me and to train them and
to prepare them.
I go, but then I'm I'm done.
That's it.
I'm I'm out.
I'm out of here.
Um and so in doing in makingthat one decision, the amount of
(31:53):
energy that I got back almostimmediately, because I had
finally made a choice that wasin alignment with what I
actually wanted, which was toleave.
I didn't know what the rest ofmy life was gonna look like.
I didn't know what I was gonnado, I didn't know where I was
moving forward, I didn't have aplan.
This was completely illogical,and my soul had never been
(32:14):
happier.
Was it hard?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
There was I'm not gonnasugarcoat it.
There was definitely somedifficult moments in there where
I was, you know, tested, wherethings got scary, where things
got uncertain, where, you know,every every fiber in my body was
screaming at me, telling methat, you know, did I make a
mistake?
(32:34):
Did I do the wrong thing?
And I always, always, always,every time, no matter how
uncomfortable it got, you didthe right thing.
You absolutely did the there wasno doubt that I had done the
right thing.
Even when I had left thatrelationship, oh my god, oh my
god, did I do the wrong thing?
Am I gonna regret?
Nope.
Nope, you did not.
You did not.
(32:55):
When I let go of the friends, ohmy god, did I do the wrong
thing?
Nope.
You did not do the wrong thing.
And my soul knew it.
And I trusted that voice beyondany logic or reason.
I trusted that voice beyond anylogic or reason and finally
started to let that be my guideinstead of the logic or reason
(33:16):
that I'd been making mydecisions my entire life that
got me to that misaligned placeto begin with.
I stopped listening to that.
And in that process, discoveredthings about me and who I was
and what I was what I was hereto do in the world that I never
ever would have figured out hadI stayed where I was.
(33:37):
Was everything that I hadexperienced up until that point
useful?
Yes.
You would be shocked to realizehow planned out your life
actually is, even in the randomdecisions that you made along
the way, thinking, well, yeah,sure, I'll give it a, I'll give
it a go and see what happens.
Everything that I hadexperienced up in my life up
until that point was serving agreater purpose, and I didn't
(33:59):
even see it.
I had no freaking clue until Istarted to make those steps into
the unknown and leaning into thethings that were uncertain and
unclear and that I weren't on myfive-year plan, and that I
didn't know how they were gonnawork out or what was gonna show
up and if I was gonna be okay.
It wasn't until I started makingthose types of intuitive,
(34:22):
soul-guided decisions that mypath actually started to unfold
for me.
But it has to, it you have to beable to leave logic in the rear
view.
And that will only happen whenyou're ready.
There's gonna there's gonna be atime if the if this is the path
for you, and if you're on thispath, and if you're wondering,
(34:42):
and if it's scary, and if you'renot sure, you'll know when the
time is right, when the logicalThing because staying with the
logical becomes scarier thangoing out into the uncertain and
the unknown.
And that's really where I knewbecause the resistance I felt to
being where I was and being inthe cushy job with the benefits
(35:03):
and the growth, the five-yeargrowth plan and all that jazz,
suddenly that became way moreuncomfortable than diving into
the unknown.
And I don't like it, it justsort of happened because I
started making I started makinginternally guided choices.
(35:23):
I started listening to myselfmore.
I started letting go before withthe relationships and the
friendships and you know, goingon this path of kind of
rediscovering myself, right?
And spending time on my own anddoing the reflection work and
starting, starting to ask myselfwho I was and what I wanted.
And so, in doing so, what becamewhat was unaligned for me became
(35:47):
evidently clear, like crystalclear.
And I was able to finally makethe choices that I probably was
dying to make for the longesttime, but didn't have the
courage or the wherewithal to.
And now I was able to make them.
(36:07):
Um, and and there's been many,many moments where it was like,
oh my God, like what have Idone?
What have I done?
I fucked up.
I fucked it all up.
Um, and there's many momentswhere I kind of felt like, you
know, I it I saw everybody elsemoving, moving ahead, and I felt
like I was in the standstill.
But really, what was happeningwas I was it was like a
(36:30):
reintegration that washappening.
It was like a recalibration thatwas happening, where I was there
was a cocooning.
Like there, it was like acomplete spiritual death and
rebirth.
And it needed its time, itneeded to take place, it needed
time to settle, to just state,it needed time for me to do my
healing work, to evolve, to togrow as a spiritual being and to
(36:52):
really step into um my voice andwho I hear who I was here to to
be and what I was here to createin the world.
And so all that was a very slowunfolding.
But, and no matter how scary itwas, I was always supported
along the way.
And I leaned into that and Ileaned into, and I still I
(37:13):
continue to lean into it today.
I continue to lean into it todaybecause I'm still there's still
changes happening, there'sstill, there's still like
moments of uncertainty, there'sstill um times where I move
through, I'm moving through oneright now where it feels like
you know the future's kind ofunknown, and you kind of get
caught up in the scarcitymindset, you get caught up in
the limiting beliefs, and Ialways bring it back to I know
(37:37):
that when I trust the guidanceof my heart, when I let go of
logic and reason and I trust mysoul, I always know my soul is
guiding me to my highestpurpose.
And I always know that when I'mfollowing my highest purpose, I
am always protected.
I am divinely guided, divinelysupported, and divinely
protected.
And I keep leaning into that.
And every time the fear comesup, I lean into that again.
(38:01):
And in doing so, I've been ableto defy all the odds, right?
Of building the business, ofbeing unemployed for long
periods of time and being fullytaken care of and provided for
along the way, of having themost incredible experiences
while I'm doing all this andgrowing and learning and
healing.
That I would never in a millionyears, if I had gone back now, I
(38:23):
would totally make the samedecision again and do the exact
same thing again that I did,knowing it would be challenging
because I'd rather have thischallenge than the challenge
that I had there.
Because the challenge I hadthere was misery, was
unfulfillment, was burnout, wasdepression, was it just felt
awful.
Whereas this, the challenge hereis yeah, I have to face some
(38:46):
uncertainty, I have to face somedoubt, I have to face some
trials and challenges along theway, but I know that I'm aligned
and I know that what I'm doingis lighting is is is lighting me
up from the inside.
And I I I'm I'm doing thingsthat I would never get to do
anyplace else.
Like be here talking to you,creating this podcast, creating
(39:09):
amazing content, having fundoing that, feeling inspired,
feeling like I'm making adifference, feeling like my
story means something tosomebody.
You know, like it couldpotentially help somebody.
And that is so much moreimportant than anything I was
doing at that job.
And that's what I focus on,that's what I keep refocusing
on.
So when you can focus on lettingyour your intuition, your soul,
(39:35):
your your internally, yourintent, your decisions and and
and your actions and and yourway forward to come from
internally guided decisionsversus logic, you open yourself
up to possibilities that youdidn't know were there.
When I started doing this work,I started seeing I've told you
this before on the podcast, Istarted seeing myself speaking
(39:56):
into a microphone in front ofthe stage.
Or sorry, and on a stage withlights like kind of like all
around me, kind of pointing atme.
So I was like on under aspotlight, but I couldn't see
the faces in the audience.
There was no faces, it was justdark, but I knew they were
there.
And it's because here I am todayspeaking to you on a podcast.
(40:19):
And I'm speaking to people allover the world.
We're top 10% worldwide.
We this podcast is listened toin over a hundred countries and
over a thousand cities all overthe world, right?
Who would have known 500downloads minimum each month and
slowly inching away up to athousand, which would put me in
the top five percent?
Come on, guys, help me.
(40:40):
Help me get there.
Oh my God.
I'm just trying to teach, I'mjust trying to hit that top
five.
But honestly, like, how would Ihave known this?
I wouldn't have becausepodcasting was barely a thing.
Was barely a thing when Istarted this.
It was a thing.
And I actually Googled it.
I'm like, when did podcastingstart?
Apparently it started in 2007,but it didn't really become
(41:01):
popular, I think, until I can'tremember if it was 2011.
I'm I've got the dates mixed upnow.
But basically, it had justbecome popular, but it was
something the kids were, Iwasn't doing it.
You know what I mean?
I wasn't even listening topodcasts at the time.
They were, they were they, Iknew they were there and they
were happening, but they theythey weren't they weren't
(41:21):
something that I was tuning intoat the time, you know?
Um, so to for me to imagine thatone day I would have my own
podcast and and my own mic andbe talking to you guys like this
on my fucking soapbox everyfreaking day or a couple times a
week, I would have thoughtyou're crazy.
You have no idea how life isgonna unfold for you when you
can put one foot in front of theother and let your soul guide
(41:42):
your decisions instead of yourlogic.
There is no plan.
There is no five-year planbecause you can't see it.
You can only see one foot infront of the other.
You can only see one breadcrumbof the trail at a time, and
that's all you're intended tosee.
Because with every breadcrumb,with every choice, with every
action, with every decision,there's a slight, it's almost
(42:03):
like a um, not a not a coursecorrect, but every decision will
guide the next decision, willguide the next decision, will
guide the next decision.
So if I'm making a decisiontoday, and I'm and I do this all
the time, I shoot myself in thefoot all the time with my
podcast.
I make a decision today, I'mgonna talk about this topic, and
then I come up with a six-monthplan of what it's gonna look
like to talk about this topicand go in depth and talk about
(42:24):
every angle and all thedifferent things I'm gonna talk
about.
And then by the time I'm threeweeks in, I'm like, yeah, I kind
of want to talk about somethingelse now.
Like, you know, because it's anevolution.
It's an evolution that happensover time.
And with each step and eachdecision, each action that you
take will lead you to morepossibilities that you didn't
see when you initially took theaction.
So now you've got more choicesto choose from.
(42:47):
So then you make the nextchoice.
You lean into that a bit, youmove forward, then you have more
choices.
So then you make the next, andthat's how this unfolds.
But you have to move away fromlogic and let your soul do the
guiding.
Let your soul make thedecisions, let your soul speak
louder than your logic and yourfear ever could.
(43:07):
And that is the only way thatthis gets to unfold in an
aligned way.
So let me know what you takeaway from this.
Let me know what you're going tobe doing differently going
forward.
And of course, until next time,you guys, massive love.
Hey guys, what is up and welcome back to the show.
I am so excited and grateful tohave you here.
Welcome if you're new.
I so I wanted to kind ofcontinue down this storytelling
little rabbit hole of I guesswhat kind of you know led me to
where I am today.
Like when I think back, like sowe talked about in the last
episode, we talked about, youknow, the moment I realized
(01:08):
really that my life just was notaligned for me and how hard I
was trying to hold on to allthese different aspects of my
life.
And, you know, how I I actuallyfind it started to really let go
of all that and and reallystarted to create a internally
led or an internally guidedlife, one that actually
(01:29):
resonated and made sense andfelt aligned for me, which to me
really talks about, you know,coming into alignment with who
you're meant to be and how youwho you're who you're meant to
be and how you're meant to livein this life, right?
It really is essentially, we'retalking about, you know,
purpose, soul path.
Um, and that's nothing that willever be figured out logically.
(01:53):
It always it's it's a feltprocess, it's a powerful and
scary and often wildlynonsensical felt process.
Okay.
Um I will give you an example.
So um, you know, after you know,I talked about last week when I
(02:15):
had that moment on the highwaywhen I was like, oh my god, I
just can't live this lifeanymore.
And it's why I turn the cararound and I don't want to go
back to my normal life ever,ever, ever again.
So after that day began what Isaid was a massive unfolding of
my old life and almost like adeath of the old me, like slowly
(02:35):
over time.
Um, where I started to let go alot of the first externally,
right?
First it was letting goexternally of the relationships
of the who I was and who I wasbeing in the world and the
friendships and the and and andthe intimate connections, and
you know, there was adismantling of all of that, and
then there was an internaldismantling that happened of
(02:56):
beliefs and systems and um fearsand doubts and um patterns that
I had been um, you know, kind ofliving with for so long.
And so there was this wheneverything started to peak,
right?
(03:17):
And this was when I had walkedaway from most of my
relationships.
My I ended the the the I endedthe misaligned relationship, the
partner that I had been with forfor many years.
I ended a lot of my friendships,I'd walked away from all of
that.
I'd still kept the career.
Don't ask me why.
That was really hard for me tolet go of because it was very,
very, very cushy.
(03:38):
And it was very, I mean, like, Imean, there was just, you know,
it was it was the logical, itwas the logical, what's it
called?
The carrot at the end of thetime, like it was the carrot at
the end.
Like it was like, I worked sohard for this.
I have put up with so much inthis company that I've been
(03:59):
working with for like, I don'tknow, I I think I'd been with
them for like at least 10 yearsat this point.
Um, it was a great company.
The benefits were great, thegrowth potential was great.
It was like literally the job amillion girls would kill for,
but not in fashion, that's theonly thing.
But it felt like it was afashion show every day walking
into work, let me just tell you.
Um it was the job a milliongirls would kill for, and I had
(04:23):
it.
And it was, you know, it had somany bells and whistles attached
to it at the cost of my peaceand well-being and happiness.
And so I was trading all that infor what felt like the
opportunity of a lifetime likeI'd be an idiot to leave this
(04:44):
job, you know, an idiot.
And so, long story short, I tookmyself on my very first, because
you know, in doing this work andand making the moves and making
the changes and going throughthe motions of, you know,
rediscovering who I am, lettinggo of all the pieces, letting go
of all the parts that wereforced and inauthentic and
(05:06):
didn't feel aligned, to nowopening myself up to
rediscovering, okay, well, who Iwho was I beyond all that that
maybe I hadn't been payingattention to, or that, you know,
maybe kind of got left by thewayside, right?
So I started to go out and Istarted to do things and I
started to do things that I'dwanted to do for so long that
I'd never given myselfpermission to.
(05:27):
Like I started to take dancelessons, I started to do things
by myself, go to movies bymyself, take myself out for nice
dinners and take myself to like,you know, a park somewhere with
a blanket and a notebook and alittle picnic and just journal
by a waterfall.
Like this became like my MO.
And, you know, and this was thiswas coming from someone who
wouldn't even so much as go to acoffee shop by herself.
(05:49):
Okay.
Um, and now suddenly I was doingall these things, which I think
for me was part of probably thebiggest healing experience to be
able to go out and do things onmy own in my own company without
needing somebody else there tohold my hand, to distract me
from what I'm thinking orfeeling, or to somehow make me
feel validated and that I'm notalone in the world.
(06:10):
I don't know, so many things.
But anyway.
So the first step was to go outand actually start doing things
on my own.
Then I actually took decided totake my first solo trip on my
own.
So I booked a 10-day trip toBali and I was terrified because
I'd never gone anywhere, and nowI'm getting on a plane for like
to go like to the other side ofthe world, literally from where
(06:33):
I am.
Um, so I'm in the west, Bali'sin the east, I'm in the north,
Bali's in the south.
It's just good night.
I was like literally going tothe opposite corner of the
earth.
Um, and so I book this trip andI go, and the first few days
that I'm there, you know, I'mkind of like, you know, just
loafing by the pool and youknow, ordering from the the the
(06:57):
the home stays menu while I'mthere, like basically not
leaving the property for likethe first two, three days.
Um, and then finally, like,dude, you came all this way,
fucking go, you know?
Um, so I started to I started tobook a whole bunch of
excursions.
A lot of them I did on my own.
Some of them I did on my own, alot of them I did with a guide.
Um, but only because like I hadno transportation, I was not
(07:22):
getting on a scooter in Bali.
That was not happening, at leastnot at this point.
Um, and um, so started to do allthese amazing things and started
to go to like, you know, all thedifferent places you want to go
to.
You know, when you're visitingBali, I went to Semeniac, I went
to Ubud, I went to like all thetemples, I went to Tanalat, um,
(07:42):
visited one of the other, likethe smaller islands off
Nusalembogen.
So there was um it, it was, itwas 10 days that was completely
outside of my comfort zone andlike stretched me in ways I
didn't even think was possible.
(08:02):
On the last couple of days thatI was there, I finally did.
I'd always wanted to, I'd seenthis online so many times and I
couldn't wait.
And I kept setting the intentionthat if I ever go to Bali, I'm
I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna dothe volcano climb.
So you do this volcano climbwhere you start climbing in the
middle of the night to get tothe top to watch a sunset over
the clouds on the top of avolcano.
I did this.
I thought I was gonna die.
Like there were so many times,like walking up that volcano,
(08:25):
like, I'm not gonna make it.
I'm not gonna make it, I'm gonnadie.
And there's literally dudes likevomiting next to me, right?
Probably because they were alsovery dehydrated and probably had
a lot to drink the night before,which I did not.
I was smart, I was rested, I washydrated.
I like I knew, even though I wasin great shape at the time, I'm
(08:45):
like, I need to be in tip topshape if I'm gonna be doing
this.
It's I think it's like 1700meters above sea level, but
you're not climbing like 70,1700 meters because you really
don't start climbing until maybethe last, I don't know, maybe
700 meters because you'realready like well above sea
level when you start actuallyclimbing, right?
(09:05):
Because it's in an elevatedarea.
Anyway, I I digress.
So, anyway, we're climbing up inthe middle of the night.
We stop for coffee in thislittle volcano village at the
base, right before we go up.
And then at some at I think itwas like around 3 a.m., 4 a.m.,
3 a.m., I think we startclimbing to the top of this
volcano.
It was a three-hour, three orfour-hour climb, if I'm not
mistaken.
(09:25):
Um, and so by the time like, youknow, two hours in, I'm like
ready to pass out.
I'm like, I'm feeling nauseousalso because of the, you know,
working out, but also because ofthe altitude.
It's still dark out.
Um, so there's nothing to reallylike, there's nothing
awe-inspiring about being upthere.
(09:46):
All I can see is darkness,right?
And we've got these like littleflashlights that are like
guiding us up the side of thismountain, which thankfully was
not like it wasn't like avertical climb by any means.
It was, it was just, if I had todescribe it, it was just a very
aggressive, very challenginghike with some steep spots,
right?
(10:06):
But nothing vertical or anythinglike that.
It was, it was pretty, it waspretty modest as far as volcano
climbs go.
So by the time we got to thetop, and I I I so many times I
wanted to quit.
And I remember my guide sayingto me, Are you sure?
You really want to miss a sunsetfrom the top?
Like, you're so close.
And I'm like, no, I'm not gonnamiss it.
Nope, I'm going.
So I go to the top, I get to thetop of this volcano.
(10:29):
And it was literally just as thesun was starting to like come up
from beyond the cloud, frombehind the clouds.
And I'm I'm I'm I just I sitdown and you know, over my
panting, because I'm tired, I'mlike, right, trying to catch my
breath.
But also like just kind ofseeing the sun just slowly start
to come up over like, and I'mactually that's that's so funny.
(10:51):
I'm actually seeing the sign,the sun peak on my forehead
right now.
Um, seeing the sun come up fromthe like from above the clouds,
and just taking that in.
And I and I remember thinking,and I'm of here I am, I'm
watching the sun come up.
It's the brightest, biggest sunI've ever seen in my life.
I right next to me, I have thispassage right down to the center
(11:12):
of the earth, and uh you know,I've got this sun right in front
of me that's like I've neverfelt closer to God.
I felt like I was like betweenworlds.
I felt like it was literallylike being being lodged between
heaven and earth in that moment.
And I remember thinking nothingelse is ever gonna be the same
again after this moment.
Nothing.
Nothing.
(11:33):
My life will never be the sameagain.
I will never be the same againafter this moment.
And I just remember just sittingthere and taking it all in and
not speaking a word to anybody.
Um, and just feeling thecloseness, feeling the closeness
to God and feeling the closenessto Mother Earth, and just
feeling this sense of peace andserenity that I had never
(11:54):
experienced before.
And suddenly feeling like thisis the most aligned I have ever
felt.
11-11 on the clock, as I saythat.
And so, you know, I stayed upthere for as long as I could,
and then, you know, we watchedthe sun come up, we had
breakfast.
Um we looked at the views, whichwere breathtaking, by the way.
(12:19):
And it was like literally like awhole volcanic region.
So there was another volcanojust opposite us, and we were
like looking at the lake and thetowns in between, and it's just
just the most magical experienceto be able to see this and
literally be standing aboutabove cloud level, um, like was
far beyond anything I everexperienced in the very flat,
(12:40):
boring region of the world thatI live in, right?
Um, so you know, that was justso perspective changing in so
many ways, I think, for me.
And I think when I came backfrom that trip, you know, came
home that night and I thought Iwas gonna be in pain.
Mind you, the trip down thevolcano was much scarier than
(13:01):
the trip up because now the sunis up.
I can see how high I am, and I'mlike, you're crazy if you think
I'm coming, climbing down theside of this mountain.
Where's a helicopter?
Is there a helicopter coming?
Because I am not climbing downthis motherfucker.
There was no helicopter.
So I literally had to like climbdown this volcano.
I think I probably scooched downon my ass more than I actually
(13:23):
walked, but that's okay.
Um, I eventually made it to thebottom.
My guide was totally laughing atme.
I did not give a shit.
Um, and I got back home and Iremember they had like this like
special meal ready for me, andthey were like, you know,
looking at my pictures andasking questions, and they're
like, and the next day I woke upand I just got up and started
walking, and I went to thebeach, and he's like, How are
(13:45):
you?
Like, are you not in pain?
Like, you climbed a volcanoyesterday.
I'm like, honestly, I'm like,I've never felt better in my
life, which was really bizarreto me because I would have
thought I would have been indying pain that day, but I
wasn't.
Um, it was actually the mosteuphoric feeling, and it took
days for that.
I took days for me to come downfrom that.
(14:06):
And so that was like a coupledays into like that was a couple
days towards the end of my trip.
And so I think two or three dayslater, I was on a flight and I
was going home.
And the next week I was at workand I was sitting in my desk in
my cubicle, and I was looking atmy boss who irritated the crap
out of me.
And she was, you know, yetterrorizing yet another poor
soul, not me, thank goodness,but she was terrorizing yet
(14:28):
another poor poor soul with herum very um authoritative
embodied presence, um, and kindof you know, politely ripping
them a new one is probably thebest way to say it.
Um, and just you know, thankingGod it wasn't me.
And, you know, looking around atthe people like all around me,
just seeing that look of of youknow, just why am I here on
(14:54):
their faces, right?
And I'm suddenly starting tofeel like, why am I here?
Like, why?
And everything's starting tofeel hard, and everything is
like sending an email, a simpleemail.
And I used to write the mostcomplex communications like that
would go to the highest levelswithin the organization.
And yet here I am trying towrite a simple email, and it's
(15:17):
taking me two hours, and itfeels like I'm swimming through
fucking quicksand, and I'm like,I just can't do this anymore.
Like, I can't, like, I I've itliterally felt like I was ready
to crawl out of my own skin.
That's how misaligned I felt inthat moment.
But everything logically wastelling me, you're crazy.
(15:43):
You're crazy.
You can't leave this, you can'tleave this job, you can't leave
the security, you can't leavethe benefits, you can't leave,
you can't like you're crazy.
What will again?
There's that question, what willthey think if you leave?
Right?
And so I put it out of sight,out of mind.
Again, I ignored myself.
(16:04):
Again, I ignored everything myintuition was trying to tell me,
and I tried to sweep it underthe rug, and I said, but this is
great.
This is like a million girlswould kill for this job, right?
Here we go back to the devilwears product quotes.
A million girls would kill forthis job, and I had it.
(16:26):
And yet, every cell in my bodywas like, leave this
motherfucking job, it's not foryou.
But I couldn't because logic wastelling me, no, no, you need to
stay.
This is good.
Benefits, good, retirement,good, um, all everything good, a
(16:47):
possibility for promotion, good.
Um, and when I tell you, likejust, you know, and I had moved
up pretty quick in thatorganization, but where I was at
in that moment, right?
Like I'd moved up very quicklythrough the organization and I
had been promoted several times.
And, you know, my managersalways saw nothing but potential
(17:09):
in me until this particularrole.
When this particular role fellinto my lap, suddenly, just
trying to get a meetsexpectations on my annual review
felt like I needed to like, youknow, jump through hoops of fire
to get, you know, never mind apromotion, never mind getting a
raise, just trying to get ameets expectations.
(17:32):
I felt like I had to jumpthrough hoops of fire to get it.
Otherwise, I was like notmeeting expectations, which was
for me was like that neverhappened.
And then, you know, when I thinkback to, well, um I, you know, I
was working like probably likenine, 10-hour days on the
regular emails being sent at 11o'clock at night, you know, if I
(17:56):
didn't take my laptop home or ifI didn't respond to emails, I
also had the BlackBerry with theemails attached to it, right?
If I didn't like, if I if Ididn't work more than 10 hours a
day, like if I if I if I didn'tshow up to work at eight and
leave later than seven, it waslike, oh, that's so nice of you
that you know you take yourwork-life balance so seriously.
(18:18):
I'm like, work-life balance,work-life balance means I work
like a seven and a half hour dayand I take my lunch and then I
go home.
And then I don't check my emailuntil the next day when I come
back to work.
Right?
Like it was just so crazy.
And I think around the same,around the same time, sorry,
motorcycle going by.
Um, I think around the same timethey had passed a law that it
(18:38):
was, I think it was around thistime, they had passed a law in
the GTA that it was illegal forworkplaces to email you after
working hours were done.
Um I don't think anybody paidattention to that.
But then nobody did anythingabout it either.
Like it wasn't like anybody wasgonna report their boss, right?
So it's kind of like, oh yeah,thanks for the law, but could
(18:59):
you do better?
But anyway.
Um, so yeah, it was like this,it was like this thing, like if
you weren't like, you know,working past seven o'clock or if
you weren't like checking youremails at 11 o'clock, you know,
you were kind of seen as thenon-committed, non-passionate,
like you weren't the candidatefor promotion.
The candidate for promotion andfor a raise was the person who
clock talked to their emails assoon as they woke up at 6 a.m.
(19:21):
was literally emailing peoplewhile they were getting ready
and eating their Cheerios in thefucking morning.
And then constantly, like on thego, go, go, go, go, no lunch.
Why would you anybody take alunch?
You can eat your lunch while yougo pee, right?
Kind of mentality, or eat yourlunch while you're in a meeting
and then stay there until seveno'clock until the lights start
to dim, and then you can finallygo home, quickly have a bite,
maybe take a five-minutebreather before you get back on
(19:43):
the emails again until 11o'clock when you go to bed.
That's the person who gotpromoted.
I was not gonna be that personever, right?
Ever, it ever was I gonna bethat person.
First of all, I'm exhausted justsaying it.
Okay.
Um and so, but logic was tellingme that this is the way.
(20:09):
This is the way you're supposedto be going.
(21:43):
This is this is this is whatmakes sense.
This is what's cushy, this iswhat's safe, this is security,
this is longevity, right?
You need to go this route whenyou know, behind the scenes, my
soul was trying trying to tellme the whole time, babe, this is
not for you.
And that's why you're not happy,and that's why it feels again,
(22:04):
forced like you're trying tohold on to something, to cling
to something, to make it work.
You're sacrificing all theselike parts of yourself in order
to meet the expectations of thisone thing that you're trying to
hold on to, and all the whilethere's a part of you that's
hiding, that's dimming, that'sdying in the process.
(22:27):
And even though it makes nosense, you have to follow what
that intuition is guiding youtowards, even though, and you
know what?
I'm not telling everybody who'slistening to please don't.
This is not a call to go out andquit your job tomorrow.
But this is a call to look atwhat parts again, what parts are
you trying to hold on to thatjust aren't working for you?
(22:50):
What parts of you are you areare you hiding that you want to
bring some light to, that youwant to follow through with,
that you want to take some stepstowards to see what might
unfold.
Do it gently.
You don't have to like teareverything down and blow
everything up in one week theway I did.
Well, it wasn't a week, it wasover time, but you know what I
mean.
It happened pretty quick.
(23:10):
Um, and the whole thing with,you know, this was probably this
was the spring before I leftthat job.
The next few months were brutalbecause I I went to Bali, it was
right after my birthday, becauseit was a birthday gift for me.
So I think I went to Bali, Ithink I went to Bali in like May
or June of that year.
(23:31):
And so when I got back, um, fromJune till around January,
February, those months werepainful.
Like they were so my soul was inpain.
And then by February, I March, Ithink it was around that time, I
had this massive falling outwith my boss.
And I finally said to her, I go,there's like I I remember she
(23:53):
had gone on vacation, they hadleft us with a like this big
assignment, the whole team hadthis massive assignment, each of
us had a part to play in it.
Um, and the way the instructionswere kind of laid out, it didn't
like there, there were someinconsistencies in some of the
information that was being askedin terms of what she anyway.
Long story short, I had to getclarification.
(24:14):
So I did, um, I spoke to theother one of the other leads
that was there, and and and andyou know, we kind of
brainstormed what we how we weregoing to move forward with it.
So I went ahead with it.
I did it.
She looked at it, she'd like,yeah, great, perfect.
My boss comes back.
Basically, the whole thing wasan epic fail.
It was a complete disaster andnothing at all what she was
looking for.
(24:34):
Um, and you know, uh, it got tothe point where it was like I
was basically, you know, the theother, the other, my other boss
who I had spoken, because I hadtwo bosses at the time.
This was great.
The other boss that I had spokento at the time that gave me the
go-ahead to do it that way wasnot saying a word, basically
(24:55):
threw me under the bus.
And then so I was at thismoment, and and these things
will happen.
They will happen to kind of liketo shake you, right?
They don't happen randomly, likeit was such a freak incident
where I was like, I literallythought I had done the best
work, and I was like, so likeum, what's it called?
(25:19):
I was so proud of what I'daccomplished.
And then here comes my boss,who's like basically ripping me
as like what she loved to dowith everybody.
Now she's ripping me a new one.
How could you have done this?
This was not what we werelooking for at all.
This is a complete and epicfail.
You told me you understood,blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I'm like, I did, but I, youknow, I just saw some
(25:40):
clarification as I was movingthrough it.
Like, there's one thing that we,you know, there's always that
one, there's always it's alwaysdifferent when you're planning
something versus when youactually go to execute.
And questions came up during theexecution that I did not
anticipate when we were liketalking about this.
Was not hearing me, was notletting me speak, was not
listening to reason, was notunderstanding.
I'm like, you know what?
Finally, I said, I go, there isno pleasing you.
(26:02):
I am done.
I'm simply done.
Like, I'm done putting up withabuse from you.
I am done being bullied by you.
I am done being terrorized byyou, and I'm done, you know,
trying to force myself to, to,to, to, what's it called, um, to
fit into what you what yourexpectations are of who you
think, like, you know what Imean?
(26:22):
Like it just it felt so wrongfor me.
It felt so forced for me.
And, you know, yes, a lot of ithad to do with her and how she
treated people and how shetreated relationships at work,
but a lot of it had to do reallywith me and the choices I was
making and who I was trying tobe that was not in alignment
(26:43):
with who I really was.
And that's what was reallycoming to the surface in all of
this is that I was trying toforce myself to do something
that for me brought me no realfulfillment, no real joy, was
constantly draining me, wasconstantly stressing me, would
(27:04):
constantly make me wasconstantly making me feel like I
had to force being successfuland being good at my job and
force my my job to kind of besecure for me.
And so, and and all of itrequired that I basically turn
my back on who I was and what Ireally wanted for the sake of
(27:27):
security and comfort and and youknow, longevity.
And so finally in that moment, Iwas like, I can't, like I'm I'm
actually just I wasn't just donewith her, I was done with just
being miserable and being at asoul-sucking job where I felt
like, you know, I really wasn'tgetting anything out of.
(27:47):
Because I can tell you rightnow, when you're staying for,
when you're staying at a job forthe money, for the benefits, for
the longevity, for theopportunities, you know, when
those things get taken away,like, you know, you're not
getting the promotions, you'renot getting the raises, you're
not getting the the recognitionsor the alkalades, and now it's
like, well, why am I here now?
Not because I love what I'mdoing, not because it's
(28:09):
enjoyable for me.
Certainly not because it, youknow, inspires me or sets my
soul on fire, right?
Like, why am I here?
Because I'm miserable.
(30:49):
And so I sort of you start torealize that the cost of staying
is so much more expensive thanthe cost of leaving, and so much
scarier than the thought ofleaving.
And so finally, that moment, I'mlike, you'll have my notice by
the end of the day.
And she came at me mockingly.
She was like, okay, fine.
She came at me mockingly at theend of the day.
(31:09):
She goes, So, you have somethingfor me?
I'm like, Yep, here you go.
Handed in my letter ofresignation.
She turned white in the face,she went crying to the to
leadership about what hadhappened.
And I was done.
I said, I will gladly give youas much time as you need to find
a replacement because I washandling a lot at the time.
I was, you know, and I knew itwould take them some time to
(31:31):
find a you know, a suitablereplacement and to trainer.
Um, I said, I will stay as longas you need me to stay in order
to find somebody suitable toreplace me and to train them and
to prepare them.
I go, but then I'm I'm done.
That's it.
I'm I'm out.
I'm out of here.
Um and so in doing in makingthat one decision, the amount of
(31:53):
energy that I got back almostimmediately, because I had
finally made a choice that wasin alignment with what I
actually wanted, which was toleave.
I didn't know what the rest ofmy life was gonna look like.
I didn't know what I was gonnado, I didn't know where I was
moving forward, I didn't have aplan.
This was completely illogical,and my soul had never been
(32:14):
happier.
Was it hard?
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
There was I'm not gonnasugarcoat it.
There was definitely somedifficult moments in there where
I was, you know, tested, wherethings got scary, where things
got uncertain, where, you know,every every fiber in my body was
screaming at me, telling methat, you know, did I make a
mistake?
(32:34):
Did I do the wrong thing?
And I always, always, always,every time, no matter how
uncomfortable it got, you didthe right thing.
You absolutely did the there wasno doubt that I had done the
right thing.
Even when I had left thatrelationship, oh my god, oh my
god, did I do the wrong thing?
Am I gonna regret?
Nope.
Nope, you did not.
You did not.
(32:55):
When I let go of the friends, ohmy god, did I do the wrong
thing?
Nope.
You did not do the wrong thing.
And my soul knew it.
And I trusted that voice beyondany logic or reason.
I trusted that voice beyond anylogic or reason and finally
started to let that be my guideinstead of the logic or reason
(33:16):
that I'd been making mydecisions my entire life that
got me to that misaligned placeto begin with.
I stopped listening to that.
And in that process, discoveredthings about me and who I was
and what I was what I was hereto do in the world that I never
ever would have figured out hadI stayed where I was.
(33:37):
Was everything that I hadexperienced up until that point
useful?
Yes.
You would be shocked to realizehow planned out your life
actually is, even in the randomdecisions that you made along
the way, thinking, well, yeah,sure, I'll give it a, I'll give
it a go and see what happens.
Everything that I hadexperienced up in my life up
until that point was serving agreater purpose, and I didn't
(33:59):
even see it.
I had no freaking clue until Istarted to make those steps into
the unknown and leaning into thethings that were uncertain and
unclear and that I weren't on myfive-year plan, and that I
didn't know how they were gonnawork out or what was gonna show
up and if I was gonna be okay.
It wasn't until I started makingthose types of intuitive,
(34:22):
soul-guided decisions that mypath actually started to unfold
for me.
But it has to, it you have to beable to leave logic in the rear
view.
And that will only happen whenyou're ready.
There's gonna there's gonna be atime if the if this is the path
for you, and if you're on thispath, and if you're wondering,
(34:42):
and if it's scary, and if you'renot sure, you'll know when the
time is right, when the logicalThing because staying with the
logical becomes scarier thangoing out into the uncertain and
the unknown.
And that's really where I knewbecause the resistance I felt to
being where I was and being inthe cushy job with the benefits
(35:03):
and the growth, the five-yeargrowth plan and all that jazz,
suddenly that became way moreuncomfortable than diving into
the unknown.
And I don't like it, it justsort of happened because I
started making I started makinginternally guided choices.
(35:23):
I started listening to myselfmore.
I started letting go before withthe relationships and the
friendships and you know, goingon this path of kind of
rediscovering myself, right?
And spending time on my own anddoing the reflection work and
starting, starting to ask myselfwho I was and what I wanted.
And so, in doing so, what becamewhat was unaligned for me became
(35:47):
evidently clear, like crystalclear.
And I was able to finally makethe choices that I probably was
dying to make for the longesttime, but didn't have the
courage or the wherewithal to.
And now I was able to make them.
(36:07):
Um, and and there's been many,many moments where it was like,
oh my God, like what have Idone?
What have I done?
I fucked up.
I fucked it all up.
Um, and there's many momentswhere I kind of felt like, you
know, I it I saw everybody elsemoving, moving ahead, and I felt
like I was in the standstill.
But really, what was happeningwas I was it was like a
(36:30):
reintegration that washappening.
It was like a recalibration thatwas happening, where I was there
was a cocooning.
Like there, it was like acomplete spiritual death and
rebirth.
And it needed its time, itneeded to take place, it needed
time to settle, to just state,it needed time for me to do my
healing work, to evolve, to togrow as a spiritual being and to
(36:52):
really step into um my voice andwho I hear who I was here to to
be and what I was here to createin the world.
And so all that was a very slowunfolding.
But, and no matter how scary itwas, I was always supported
along the way.
And I leaned into that and Ileaned into, and I still I
(37:13):
continue to lean into it today.
I continue to lean into it todaybecause I'm still there's still
changes happening, there'sstill, there's still like
moments of uncertainty, there'sstill um times where I move
through, I'm moving through oneright now where it feels like
you know the future's kind ofunknown, and you kind of get
caught up in the scarcitymindset, you get caught up in
the limiting beliefs, and Ialways bring it back to I know
(37:37):
that when I trust the guidanceof my heart, when I let go of
logic and reason and I trust mysoul, I always know my soul is
guiding me to my highestpurpose.
And I always know that when I'mfollowing my highest purpose, I
am always protected.
I am divinely guided, divinelysupported, and divinely
protected.
And I keep leaning into that.
And every time the fear comesup, I lean into that again.
(38:01):
And in doing so, I've been ableto defy all the odds, right?
Of building the business, ofbeing unemployed for long
periods of time and being fullytaken care of and provided for
along the way, of having themost incredible experiences
while I'm doing all this andgrowing and learning and
healing.
That I would never in a millionyears, if I had gone back now, I
(38:23):
would totally make the samedecision again and do the exact
same thing again that I did,knowing it would be challenging
because I'd rather have thischallenge than the challenge
that I had there.
Because the challenge I hadthere was misery, was
unfulfillment, was burnout, wasdepression, was it just felt
awful.
Whereas this, the challenge hereis yeah, I have to face some
(38:46):
uncertainty, I have to face somedoubt, I have to face some
trials and challenges along theway, but I know that I'm aligned
and I know that what I'm doingis lighting is is is lighting me
up from the inside.
And I I I'm I'm doing thingsthat I would never get to do
anyplace else.
Like be here talking to you,creating this podcast, creating
(39:09):
amazing content, having fundoing that, feeling inspired,
feeling like I'm making adifference, feeling like my
story means something tosomebody.
You know, like it couldpotentially help somebody.
And that is so much moreimportant than anything I was
doing at that job.
And that's what I focus on,that's what I keep refocusing
on.
So when you can focus on lettingyour your intuition, your soul,
(39:35):
your your internally, yourintent, your decisions and and
and your actions and and yourway forward to come from
internally guided decisionsversus logic, you open yourself
up to possibilities that youdidn't know were there.
When I started doing this work,I started seeing I've told you
this before on the podcast, Istarted seeing myself speaking
(39:56):
into a microphone in front ofthe stage.
Or sorry, and on a stage withlights like kind of like all
around me, kind of pointing atme.
So I was like on under aspotlight, but I couldn't see
the faces in the audience.
There was no faces, it was justdark, but I knew they were
there.
And it's because here I am todayspeaking to you on a podcast.
(40:19):
And I'm speaking to people allover the world.
We're top 10% worldwide.
We this podcast is listened toin over a hundred countries and
over a thousand cities all overthe world, right?
Who would have known 500downloads minimum each month and
slowly inching away up to athousand, which would put me in
the top five percent?
Come on, guys, help me.
(40:40):
Help me get there.
Oh my God.
I'm just trying to teach, I'mjust trying to hit that top
five.
But honestly, like, how would Ihave known this?
I wouldn't have becausepodcasting was barely a thing.
Was barely a thing when Istarted this.
It was a thing.
And I actually Googled it.
I'm like, when did podcastingstart?
Apparently it started in 2007,but it didn't really become
(41:01):
popular, I think, until I can'tremember if it was 2011.
I'm I've got the dates mixed upnow.
But basically, it had justbecome popular, but it was
something the kids were, Iwasn't doing it.
You know what I mean?
I wasn't even listening topodcasts at the time.
They were, they were they, Iknew they were there and they
were happening, but they theythey weren't they weren't
(41:21):
something that I was tuning intoat the time, you know?
Um, so to for me to imagine thatone day I would have my own
podcast and and my own mic andbe talking to you guys like this
on my fucking soapbox everyfreaking day or a couple times a
week, I would have thoughtyou're crazy.
You have no idea how life isgonna unfold for you when you
can put one foot in front of theother and let your soul guide
(41:42):
your decisions instead of yourlogic.
There is no plan.
There is no five-year planbecause you can't see it.
You can only see one foot infront of the other.
You can only see one breadcrumbof the trail at a time, and
that's all you're intended tosee.
Because with every breadcrumb,with every choice, with every
action, with every decision,there's a slight, it's almost
(42:03):
like a um, not a not a coursecorrect, but every decision will
guide the next decision, willguide the next decision, will
guide the next decision.
So if I'm making a decisiontoday, and I'm and I do this all
the time, I shoot myself in thefoot all the time with my
podcast.
I make a decision today, I'mgonna talk about this topic, and
then I come up with a six-monthplan of what it's gonna look
like to talk about this topicand go in depth and talk about
(42:24):
every angle and all thedifferent things I'm gonna talk
about.
And then by the time I'm threeweeks in, I'm like, yeah, I kind
of want to talk about somethingelse now.
Like, you know, because it's anevolution.
It's an evolution that happensover time.
And with each step and eachdecision, each action that you
take will lead you to morepossibilities that you didn't
see when you initially took theaction.
So now you've got more choicesto choose from.
(42:47):
So then you make the nextchoice.
You lean into that a bit, youmove forward, then you have more
choices.
So then you make the next, andthat's how this unfolds.
But you have to move away fromlogic and let your soul do the
guiding.
Let your soul make thedecisions, let your soul speak
louder than your logic and yourfear ever could.
(43:07):
And that is the only way thatthis gets to unfold in an
aligned way.
So let me know what you takeaway from this.
Let me know what you're going tobe doing differently going
forward.
And of course, until next time,you guys, massive love.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.