Miracles Amidst Chaos: A Story of Faith and Healing (Ricky Sluder Part 2)

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Have you ever been crippled by lies told to you as a child, shaping your actions and self-worth? Ricky Sluder, former special criminal investigator and now life coach, returns to The Fuzzy Mic to unpack the "anatomy of a stronghold."

Ricky bravely shares his own battles with self-destructive behaviors fueled by childhood lies and the quest for validation through high-stakes performance in law enforcement. His story is a testament to the power of addressing these harmful beliefs to reclaim one’s true identity and purpose.

Ricky also takes us on a spiritual odyssey, recounting a life-altering prophecy from a mysterious waitress, the tragic loss of his best friend killed in the line of duty, and the turmoil in his marriage. This emotional rollercoaster led him to confront God and discover a deeper faith and purpose amid chaos. Ricky's raw honesty in facing personal struggles and infidelity offers a poignant reflection on the transformative power of faith, even in the darkest times.

The journey continues with the heart-wrenching medical crises of Ricky's daughter, Kylie. From a challenging prenatal diagnosis and a series of miraculous recoveries to life-saving advocacy during critical surgeries, Ricky’s experiences underscore the importance of faith, resilience, and relentless advocacy in medical care. As Kylie defied all odds, Ricky's deepened understanding of faith reveals a powerful narrative of hope and transformation. Join us for this compelling conversation that promises to leave you inspired by the miracles found in the depths of adversity.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Hello and thank you for joining me on this episode
of the Fuzzy Mike.
Last week we met Ricky Sluder,author of the book Accepting
Truth, finding Hope Now.
Previously, ricky served thestate of Texas as a special
criminal investigator.
He was a hostage and crisisnegotiator and he was attached
to an FBI task force out ofDallas.

(00:36):
During his law enforcementcareer, he developed an
interview and interrogationmethodology that led to an
impressive and incredible 98%confession rate.
Now Ricky's a life coach and hehelps people identify, overcome
and grow from negative lifecircumstances, and he often
draws upon his own personalchildhood trauma.

(00:58):
The feedback from last week'sepisode with Ricky it was
astounding.
Desi wrote that theconversation was just what she
needed to start her day andBrenda shared that she was
amazed by episode one andcouldn't wait for the second
part with Ricky, which is whatyou're getting today.
Last week we learned aboutRicky's traumatic upbringing and

(01:20):
the emotional scars thatchildhood abandonment and murder
left on him, but we alsolearned of Ricky's spirituality
and the role God plays in hiswell-being.
Ricky shared with us stories ofhis miraculous events, but we
didn't get the story of the mostsignificant miracle that has

(01:40):
happened in his life.
But before we get to that inpart two with Ricky Sluder, I
asked him to explain a term hecoined called anatomy of a
stronghold.

Speaker 3 (01:50):
So everything we talked about remember earlier
you were talking about how youknow your dad.
He shared things just becausehe didn't know how to share them
.
Right, and it was he expectedyou to be a certain thing, and
then, when you weren't well, nowyou're a piece of shit.
Well, wouldn't you agree?

Speaker 2 (02:04):
that's a lie uh, I like you're not a piece of shit,
are you?

Speaker 3 (02:11):
sometimes I feel like it okay, I didn't ask you how
you felt, I ask you what you areno, I don't think so yeah.
So here's the thing.
The anatomy of a strongholdgoes like this we buy the lies
that people tell us, and when webuy the lies, it's easier to
believe the lie than it is tobelieve the truth.

(02:32):
And we just did that littleexercise, right?
Yeah, we did, and you'releaning more on the lie.
It's easier to believe.
We all do that, by the way,every fucking one of us.
Don't let anybody tell you well, you're just so unique that God
can't love you.
Bullshit, we're all the same.

(02:53):
So we buy the lie.
And when we buy the lie, wethen form a belief Okay.
And when we form a belief, itbecomes a belief system, okay.
And then from that beliefsystem, or that belief that we
have formed, we now act upon it.
So what does that mean?

(03:15):
Ricky was told when he was alittle boy that Ricky was a
pussy and that he was a candyass and that he would never
measure up to anything.
Okay, so I believed that Ididn't like it, but I believed
it.
And then I formed a belief thatthat was true about me.
And then what was my action?

(03:36):
Well, my action was twofold.
One I longed for love so muchthat I thought that I could find
it through sex, because ifsomebody was willing to have sex
with me, then that must meanthat they loved me, because I
thought the two were the same.
And they're not.
And that was me being a boy,you know, and then becoming a
man and still holding on tothings that were childish, which

(03:59):
Paul tells us not to do in theNew Testament.
But, that aside, we all do it.
And so what else happened?
Well, the other part of it was,since I bought the lie and
formed the belief, I then had achip on my shoulder and then it
was well, yeah, let me show you,let me go strive for the
acceptance of you and everybodyelse and I'll go do performance

(04:20):
wheel measures, and I'll makedamn sure that when I'm wearing
my tactical uniform and kickinga door down and I take a bullet
in the face, it'll be my magnumopus of fuck you, you were wrong
about me.
I died a goddamn hero.
Where are you at now?
You see, that's the kind of shitthat we end up doing as a

(04:41):
result of buying a lie that Iwas told when I was a little boy
end up doing as a result ofbuying a lie that I was told
when I was a little boy.
It becomes poison, it becomesan infection, and if you don't
deal with the infection, it willkeep you sick forever, right?
So buy the lie.
Form.
The belief leads to the action.
That is the anatomy of astronghold, and every single one

(05:02):
of us do it.
We just have differentmechanisms by which we act upon
it.
Some people have retail therapy, some people are sex addicts,
some people are alcoholics.
Some people are drug addicts.
Some people are justnarcissistic assholes that are
impossible to be around.
Right, every one of us isworking from that place of
woundedness.

(05:23):
Have you ever been around awounded animal?
Absolutely, I hate it.
Yeah, can you get close to them?
No no no, you can't wonder whywe can't get close to one
another, cause we're all fuckingwounded man, yeah, and it's
just like that wounded dog thatyou just want to help them.
But they're going to snarl andthey're going to bite at you

(05:43):
because they don't want you tohurt them.
Right, that's what we do.
We don't want to be hurtanymore.
And so we snarl and we bite andwe lash out, or we have
thoughts of, in some cases,homicidal ideation, suicidal

(06:04):
ideation or just plain, I'm justgoing to go destroy my entire
life by smoking crack, fuckingwhores, whatever it is right.
That makes you feel yourdopamine release, that makes you
feel normal for at least fiveseconds.

Speaker 2 (06:20):
Yeah, the example that you said.
You know, getting shot in theface, that would be your magnus
opus.
Uh, the way, the way that Icompensated for, uh, my lack of
self-worth and getting thesalary that I was, was I would
overwork and I was a, yes man.
You know, I, if I worked mynormal hours, there was no way.

(06:43):
I deserved what, what I wasbeing paid.
But if I worked double that andvolunteered for jobs all the
time and never said no, maybe Ideserve it.
So yours was an extreme case.
Mine was much, much more lowerkey, but it was the same excuse.
It was the same reason.

Speaker 3 (07:04):
And I've done that too.
When I got out of lawenforcement, I began doing
consulting work and I traveled.
I never told people no.
I was in five states in oneweek one time, because I didn't
have the balls enough to justsay no, that's too much.

Speaker 2 (07:18):
Because you think that's what you're supposed to
do, because that's what you'reused to.

Speaker 3 (07:23):
Right, I wanted them to think that I was worth
keeping, and if I wasn't willingto kill myself, then why would
I be worth keeping around?

Speaker 2 (07:32):
Yep, but that's exactly my thought process.
I want you to introduce thebiggest miracle in your life
that I know of anyway, and howit completely changed you as a
person.

Speaker 3 (07:48):
So I'm going to.
I'm going to definitely getthere, but I got to tell two
quick.
Please use stories.
To get to that point, 22 yearsold, I had um, I was in a bar, I
was about to leave to go toTexas DPS, to be a state trooper
, and I'm drinking with buddiesbecause, you know, texas State
baby, that's what we do.
And so, yeah, I was not drunkthough, but anyway, I see this

(08:15):
hot-ass waitress out of thecorner of my eye and so I tell
my buddies Ricky will be rightback.
So I stand out of a group andshe walks right up to me and
she's carrying a.
She has this red shirt on,gorgeous, and she has this tray
that she has.
That she's carrying and it'sgot napkins and a pen.

(08:35):
No water rings from a drink, nobeer, no cigarette ash trays,
nothing, just a pen and andnapkins.
And she has a tray and shewalks up to me.
She doesn't ask me if I want todrink.
The conversation turnsimmediately to God, and we began
having a conversation about theAlmighty, and God had began

(08:55):
downloading poetry into me atthat time.
Okay, and this is important forthe story, I'm going to tell
you here in a minute One of thepoems that he had given me was
one called oh, what a Day.
That'll Be Okay.
And so I take a napkin she'sholding the tray and I'm
treating it like it's a damn bar, you know and I write this
whole poem on a napkin and Ispin it around so she could read

(09:19):
it and I slide it to her, kevin, she never looked at it.
She looked me dead in the eyesand she said I know you will be
a minister, but it won't beuntil you're in your forties.
And I literally took a stepback and started laughing
because I thought ain't no way.

(09:40):
I think at that time I wasprobably fucking a married woman
, you know.
And so I hit my buddy on theshoulder and I'm like you got to
hear this shit.
And he's like what?
And I said this waitress justtold me I'm going to be a
minister.
And that's fucking hilarious.
She was gone Like a fart in thewind, gone.
And he goes Ricky, dude, you'redrunk.
You were just standing therestaring at the bar, you weren't

(10:02):
talking to anybody, and I wentfuck you, dude.
Yes, I was.
This is what she looked like.
This is what she said.
Like I said I'm going to findher Heaven.
I walked that whole bar.
I was like a crazy man.
I even went into the women'srestroom and was knocking open
stall doors, like because I hadto find her and I couldn't.

(10:25):
And I left there that nightknowing full fucking well what
had happened, Like that was notme being drunk, that wasn't a
dream, I was sober.
But I didn't equate it toangelic for probably another
decade and a half.
I realize now that was amessenger sent to me from God

(10:47):
and he was telling me I'm givingyou these things for a reason,
son.
I know you don't know who youare yet, I know it doesn't make
any damn sense, but I knowyou'll pay attention to a hot
chick.
So here you go.
I got your attention right.
So then, not too long after that, a few years after that, my
best friend was killed in theline of duty.

(11:08):
Kurt David Knapp, a statetrooper in Texas, was killed in
Bernie.
Texas Wasn't supposed to workthat night.
As the story always goes, kurthad a beautiful, wonderful wife
named Jennifer.
They've been together sincelike sixth grade.
They had that storybook romancethat I wanted, you know and he

(11:28):
had a little girl named Michaelait was three at the time, I
think and a little boy namedWyatt.
I believe Wyatt was around oneand Kurt had a mom who loved him
, a dad who loved him.
He had ever hit the world bythe fucking tail and he gets
killed on a night.
He wasn't even supposed to beworking.
And it's the first time, kevin,that I went into the throne room

(11:51):
of God and I kicked the fuckingdoor open and I told God he got
the wrong guy.
I've been trying to get offthis goddamn marble and you take
the one man who everybody loves.
Why couldn't you just take me?
Nobody gives a shit about me,was my plea to God, and I was so
angry at him and I cussed him ablue streak and I told him what

(12:14):
an idiot he was.
I thumbed my nose at him and Ileft, and I believe it was that
moment when God finally grinnedand went.
I can work with that Now forthose of you who are overly
religious, you're thinkingblasphemy.
What the hell are you thinking?
Well, gee whiz, I don't know.
Read John, chapter 21.

(12:35):
And if you don't understand it,get a hold of me.
I'll break it down for you.
But the point is when wefinally get honest with God,
which is what Peter did in John21,.
When God said, do you agapelove me, which means
unconditional love, he repliedback I just phileo you, which
means I'm just fond of you.
And then Jesus said, yeah, gobuild my church Now.

(12:58):
You're ready.
You're not an over-the-topzealot anymore, you're real.
That was my real moment, kevin,and it made me want to
understand, even though itwasn't what I needed to
understand, but it was pushingme down a path where I wanted to
know why the fuck God did thatright.

(13:19):
So fast forward a few years,eight years in fact.
My marriage is falling apart.
I mean, what number of fare I'mon at that point, I don't even
know.
And my wife and I, who aregreat friends, now agreed that
our marriage had always been asham.
I mean shit.
The day we got married in Vegas, the lady called me Robert, do

(13:39):
you Robert take Amber?
Do you Amber take Robert?
I had to tell her Ricky bothtimes, like if that's not a sign
, I don't know what is.
So we finally agree.
You know what?
We're going to get divorced.
We've been playing a good game,but neither one of us are happy
.
You know, we're just using eachother, um, kind of a thing.
For whatever reasons we weredoing that and then we were told

(14:01):
we couldn't have children.
Like I'm a stressed out cop whosmokes a pack during the half a
day, drink too much, chasingtoo much tail, and then
basically I had NASCAR sperm,which I was totally cool with.
What does that mean?
I was going to swim in circles,it's not going to fertilize a
damn thing.
So I was like, yes, that's myhall pass baby.

(14:25):
And so my wife at the time shehad a lot of female problems and
so she, he just told us thatyou two can never conceive, like
it will never humanly happen,sorry.
And I was like gave me thefucking words I wanted to hear.
You know, um, only for us toagree to get divorced.
She calls me one day after, youknow coming home.

(14:48):
She's like hey, you went to thedoctor.
I've got an ear infection,sinus infection, I'm pregnant,
I'm something else.
And I went I'm so sorry, thatnumber three when you're, you're
who she's like, yeah, I'mpregnant.
And I went how the fuck didthat happen?
You know?
Fuck did that happen, you know?

(15:09):
And I said you know what?
I'm in bad traffic.
I lied, let's talk about when Iget home.
Hung up the phone and I justlost it.
I went off on god and and here,here's why I was afraid that
this child would have to relivemy life, and I didn't want that.
I didn't want this kid to hurtthe way I hurt, to feel unloved,
to have to deal with the shitthat I dealt with, and so that's

(15:33):
why I was mad at God and I toldhim that.
And then I finally came tomyself and I apologized for the
way I had been talking to himand I said you know what?
I don't know a lot.
And I said you know what?
I don't know a lot.
I don't think we actually makebabies as people.
I think you just let us enjoythe process.
But I think you make life.

(15:55):
I think you decide what goesinto a womb and what doesn't.
Otherwise, how did Jesus end upin one?
Yeah Right, so I went.
So if that's true and I believe, believe it is then you made
this kid.
I didn't, which means that youmust have a reason that I don't
understand.
So you know what?

(16:17):
You gave me this kid, I give itback to you and you do with
this child whatever you want.
That's all I know to do, andlet me be a better dad than I
had.
You know, I gotta figure someshit out, so that's kind of
where I left it.
Uh, fast forward, we go in tofind out gender, like most

(16:39):
parents do, and about week 17,week 19, somewhere in that area.
And you know the lady's doingthe echo, kevin, and she's like
stone cold Steve Austin.
You know she's just, I can'tget her to smile, for shit.
And then she finally looks up.
She says the head, arms andlegs are not growing properly.

(17:01):
There are two heart defects.
You're having a girl and I'msorry, but we can't serve your
kind here.
I'm going to go get the doctorand he'll need to make a
referral to a specialist and I'mjust like what?

Speaker 2 (17:14):
Yeah, that's a lot to digest, and she said it just
like that, I mean like missedpersonality.

Speaker 3 (17:20):
I sat straight down.
I don't even know if the chairwas underneath me, but there was
one and I was in total, like Idon't know what to do with that.
Well, I'm going to pause there.
I'm going to take you back tothat poetry stuff I told you
about, okay.
So when I was about 22 yearsold, I was in the shower one day

(17:41):
sorry for those of you who aregetting a visual reference.
Years old, I was in the showerone day Sorry for those of you
who are getting a visualreference but a poem downloaded
in my mind and it was calledDear Mom and it was about
abortion and it's the mosteloquent thing I've ever written
in my life.
It is a.
I mean, it's a badass poem.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
If you want me to read it, I will Please Let me
pull it up.
Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Speaker 3 (18:04):
I mean you can't leave us hanging like that.
All right, that's true, that'strue.
So this poem, uh.
And so we go to this, so we goto the specialist while I'm
pulling this up, I'll keeptelling the story.
We go to the specialist andwe're right on the border of the
uh time period in 2008 for whenyou can have an abortion in
Texas.
Okay, I didn't know that,because why the fuck would I?

(18:27):
And so we go in, the doctorconfirms what the other doctor,
you know, already saw, and I waslike, yep, uh, you know, the
heart right now, there's no,basically your child doesn't
have a heart wall between theventricles or the atria, which
means you basically have a twochamber heart, not a four
chamber heart.
And he says, well, that's,that's bad.
Um, he said, and yeah, thedimensions aren't right with the

(18:49):
head, arms and legs.
We're not sure why, but we'lljust do this every week and
we'll just tell me figure it out.
You know, and they did, mydaughter has a condition called
Ellis von Craveld syndrome, uh,where she has a rare from
endorphism which, where she hasa rare form of dwarfism, which
is why her limbs and her headcircumference weren't what they
should have been.
You know little person.

(19:10):
So anyway, so when we have thatfirst visit with that
specialist, we leave his areaand we were intercepted by, like
the social group, you knowsocial work team.
They were like hey, we need adecision before your next
appointment.
I'm like what do you mean adecision about what they said?
Well, your child's not going tobe viable, so we really

(19:32):
recommend that you abort thisbaby.
Like there's a lot of problemsand we don't think that even
with a natural birth, that thechild is going to make it.
So, you know, do you and thechild a favor and just get rid
of it.
They didn't say that, butthat's what they were saying.

Speaker 2 (19:45):
That's what they're inferring, yeah.

Speaker 3 (19:46):
Yeah, and I just was like holy shit, I actually have
to give thought to this.
I've always said I'm a pro-lifeguy, you know, because that's
the aisle I vote on, and I don'tthink killing babies is right.
But now I have to reallyfucking make this decision.
Like Now, I have to reallyfucking make this decision.
Like this isn't a theory, orsitting around having a beer at
a fucking bonfire, this is reallife.

(20:07):
And holy shit.
And all I could think was Idon't want my kid to be all
fucked up Like who wants that?
Nobody, we're honest, you know.
So I went home, uh, still smoker.
My wife was like hey, I'm goingto the back porch and I'm going
to have a cigarette.
I, I'm going on the back porchand I'm going to have a
cigarette.
I don't give a shit.

(20:27):
I went.
You know what?
At this point does it reallymatter?
Go smoke, have whiskey too.
Who cares?
You know, like, can't make itworse than it already is.
So, um, I sit down in my officeand something led me to pull
this poem up.
So here it goes.
It's called dear mom.
Um, I guess I will never know.
But what if I had been given thechance to run and play in

(20:51):
summer fields of green to makeangels in the winter snow, to
admire the colors of autumnscene, to smell the spring and
winds that blow.
I might have been A preacher tosave the lost, a writer to

(21:12):
place words to pen, a soldier topay the ultimate cost, or maybe
just a sinner to be forgiven ofsin.
You can never know the love youmissed.
I would have cried at night andplayed all day noodle, pasted
pictures and hand molds of clay.
I would have made you proudwith all I had done.
You would have been my hero andI your son.
But for you I was just a choiceand you did what you thought

(21:36):
was right.
But I wish you could have heardmy voice before you aborted me
last night, if I could have onlyformed the words to somehow
make you see.
But my quill will never write,for this author will never be
Damn.

Speaker 2 (21:55):
You wrote that when you were 22?

Speaker 3 (21:57):
Yeah, in 38 seconds, like it just flowed right out.
I didn't, it was no thought itwasn't me, it was channeled
directly through me.
That's an amazing poem.
I love that poem, thank you.
I tried to give it to focus onthe family.
I was like 25, because I waslike I don't know what to do
with this shit.
Why would I have this?
Somebody needs a benefit fromit.

(22:18):
I didn't know it was me whoneeded a benefit from it.
So I read that poem that day andthe moment I read it I went
fuck, no, I can't kill.
I can't kill this baby.
I didn't make this life, Ican't take it.
And yeah, the doctors aretelling me doom and gloom, but I
don't care, I won't, I can't dothat.

(22:39):
So I went on the back porch, Ilit a cigarette too, and I said
hey, amber, I don't know whereyou're at on this, but I can't,
I can't, I cannot, I can't, Ican't, I cannot, I can't end a
life before it begins.
So where are you at?
And she said I can't either.
I said thank God, and she saidyeah.
She said I figured this wasgoing to be a fight one way or

(22:59):
the other, and I went, me too.
I said but okay, I guess we'rekeeping our baby Madonna style.
So we watched our daughter growin the womb.
It was cool.
She was born on St Patrick'sDay.
So anybody who has leprechaunjokes, remember I'm 6'3", 240
pounds and I will beat your ass.
So St Patrick's Day is comingaround and we do a C-section,

(23:25):
and so she's born that day,march 17, 2008.
Well, when she's born, theywhisk her off to NICU.
Amber goes to another wing ofthe hospital and I go to the
NICU.
I scrub in, I go and I'mgetting reaching the incubator
and touch my little girl.
And she's holding my finger,kevin, and I'm just, oh, smitten
, kitten, you know.
And I'm like, finally, finally,kitten, you know.

(23:50):
And I'm like, finally, finally,someone who's going to love me,
someone who's going to love mefor no reason other than she'll
just love me.
I'll be daddy and man.
I was just over the moon withthat thought in my mind and
she's just holding my littlefinger and all of a sudden, this
cardiologist neonatalcardiologist walks in and he's
like Mr Sluder and I said, yes,sir, and he goes.
Can I talk to you?

(24:11):
I went, yeah, yeah, what's up,he goes.
Your daughter does not have twoheart defects.
Pregnant pause.
That went way too long.
She has four.
And I went dude, who the fucklets you talk to people?
Because, oh my God, why wouldyou tell me that way?
He just looks at me like I'm anidiot.
He's like I was like nevermind.

(24:32):
Clearly you don't get what I'mputting down.
So what are the other two?
I know about two of them.
He said, yeah, there's noseptum, it's called atrial
septal defect and ventricularseptal defect.
There's no septum between theatria or the ventricles, he said
.
And then there's also a mitral.
Her mitral valve is perforatedso there is a bunch of backwash

(24:54):
of blood because the one of thevalve closes, it bounces back
open and so the blood is justcoming back in to the chamber,
he said.
And then there's a membranethat is blocking her pulmonary
vein, so she's not gettingadequate blood flow.
And so I was like, well, thatdoesn't sound like good news.
And so I was like, what doesall that mean?

(25:16):
Like you know, and he goes, oh,she'll go into congestive heart
failure at three weeks old andshe'll die.
And I went, dude, seriously,like why would you tell me that?
I said.
I said, okay, let's workshopthat real quick.
Like you can't do heart surgery, we can't get a heart
transplant, like, come on, it's2008,.

(25:37):
You know like modern medicineand shit, like maybe we'll do
something.
And he goes do you think I canget a heart in three weeks?
I'm like I don't know, gottaask, I'm just throwing out stuff
, like I don't know, Gotta ask,I'm just throwing out stuff,
like I don't know.
And he said I told you, sir,there's nothing I can do for her
.
My recommendation is that youspend as much time with her as

(26:01):
you can, because the moment herhe said look, when you're born,
your lungs are not fullydeveloped.
The moment her lungs fullydevelop, which is about three
weeks after birth, her lungs aregoing to become overflowing
with blood flow and she will becongestive and she will drown in
her own fluid.
And I can't stop it.

(26:21):
And I went okay enough, I gotit, thank you, he leaves.
And I'm like, really Really,okay enough, I got it, thank you
, he leaves.
And I'm like, really Really, Iwas just celebrating the fact
that I'm finally going to havesomebody who fucking loves me
for just loving me, for justbeing me, not for anything that
I do or provide or anything else, and now you're going to

(26:42):
fucking take that away from me.
That's awesome, fuck.
Now I got to go tell her mother,who hasn't even held her Jesus.
So I cowboy up and I walk outand I remembered my family had
come you know be there for thebirth, and so did her mom and
dad and sister and stuff.
So they're all out there in thewaiting room.
So I go out there and I'm like,hey, nothing but bad news.

(27:03):
Uh, so let me tell you verybriefly nothing but bad news.
So let me tell you very brieflyKylie's going to die and
nothing they can do.
And so I got to go tell Amberthis.
So I'll be right back.
So I go find her.
I don't know where she's at.
I had to hunt her down in thehospital.
And I get there, we cry oureyes out.
Then her family comes up to herand spend time with her.

(27:26):
I go, ok, I'll go spend timewith my family, you know, down
there.
And I get to the waiting roomand they're all gone, wow.
And I sat in the empty chairsand I just kind of looked around
.
I said, well, fuck, I guessI'll do this by myself too, you
know.
So um went back in.
I spent every chance I couldwith Kylie about 1am onm on

(27:48):
Tuesday I realized, fuck Monday.
We got here at 5 am.
My dogs have not been outsidesince 4.30 Monday morning.
I was like I'm an asshole, damnit.
So I haul ass home, let my dogsout.
I come back.
The cardiologist had done anecho.

(28:10):
I watched, I watched where theblood flowed.
I had done that for 19 weeks inutero and so it was just the
same test being redone rightTuesday same thing Wednesday
same thing, except I went andlet my dogs out earlier.
I came back about 6 pm.
My daughter's gone.
Incubator is empty, empty.
All the edifices of little cutelittle kylie thing in her

(28:31):
footprint, all that shit,everything's gone.
And I just like melted in myboots because I'm like, oh my
god, she died.
A fucking child died while Iwent to let my dogs take a shit
like I'm never gonna forgivemyself that I wasn't here.
And so I'm panicking.
I'm looking in every incubator.
I'm, you know, not tearing upthe NICU, but by God, I'm close

(28:57):
for my kid and a nurse and herhusband.
She's like, can I help you?
And I'm like looking for my kidand she's like, oh, we had to
move.
And I'm like probably had toput her in the nasa unit.
You know they didn't haveenough shit connected to her,
probably to connect 34 morethings to her, so sure that
makes sense.
Go through that door.
Yeah well, I walked throughthat door and it wasn't that at
all.
There's a nurse holding her ina rocking chair, feeding her,

(29:22):
and she sees me and she goeswell hey, dad, you want to hold
your little girl and feed her.
And I went, yeah, but how?
I didn't want to tell mesomething.
She's like you haven't met thedoctor yet.
I said no.
She said, well, you know Ican't tell you, but you can hold
your baby and when he gets here, we'll figure it out and okay.

(29:42):
So I sat there, I held my littlegirl and I fed her a bottle and
, oh man, I was thought I wassmitten before, I really smitten
now.
And so he comes in and he'slike running his fingers through
his hair, you know, like amadman, and he's like you we
need to talk.
And I'm like, okay, and my kidoff, I go in this room with him

(30:03):
and he is pacing like a lion atthe zoo and he's a frantic nut,
okay, okay.
And he's just like, remember,we saw, I did the test and you
were there, you saw it with meBlood flow, there was no heart
wall.
And I'm like, dude, slow down,I don't know what you're saying.
I hear you but I don't knowwhat you're saying.
Like, what are you trying totell me?
And he said I re-ran that testwhen you left about 5, 530.

(30:26):
He said there was a perfectseptum between her ventricles,
the membrane blocking herpulmonary vein.
There's no evidence that it wasever even there.
And I went, holy shit, now Iwas a paramedic before I went to
college, emt, and so I studiedthat in physiology.
I know that can't happenphysiologically.

(30:46):
You don't just grow a septum.
And so I was like that's amiracle and he goes, I don't
believe in this.
And I went.
Then you explain it to mephysiologically.
He goes that's the problem, Ican't.
And I went.
Well, you call it what you wantand I'll call it what I want,
and we'll just go our separateways.
I said, okay, what does thismean, like, and we'll just go

(31:08):
our separate ways.
I said, okay, what does thismean?
Like, give it to me straightlike whiskey, like you've been
doing.
And he goes oh, you'll take herhome.
I went.
Really, when he goes Friday,I'm discharging her on Friday.
Well, sure as shit, shedischarged on Friday.
Sunday, I'm putting an Easterdress on her.

(31:28):
When it dawns on me, holy shit,I brought her home on Good
Friday.
Okay, time out, this God thatI've had in a box.
Right, I have had you all wrong.
What I failed to share a minuteago is that when I went home
and let my dogs out here's whatI said to the Almighty I sat on
the back porch, I lit acigarette and I did King's X up

(31:50):
to heaven and I said Lord, Idon't know what to do.
I've been trying to figure outall day how I'm going to control
my way out of this one, but Ican't.
I said so.
If you give me this kid a day,a week or a year, I will praise
you still.
You'll be my God, and I don'tknow what else to do or say.

(32:13):
So I'm just telling you yourwill be done.
That's all I got.
I can't fucking do anythingelse.
And Kevin, why he chose to healher, I don't know, but it made
me step back and go.
I've had you all wrong.
I've been calling you this meanass, cosmic killjoy who just

(32:36):
wants to, you know, take themagnifying glass with the sun
and make my fucking lifemiserable.
And I have to now admit thatthat's not congruent with what I
just saw you do.
So I've had you wrong all along, and I hadn't yet had those
encounters with him.
I still thought he was a meanmotherfucker.
Right, I'm five years away fromhaving those encounters with

(32:58):
him.
So that was miracle number one.
There's two more, if you careto hear them.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
Absolutely.
Oh, I thought that was it.
I thought that was okay.

Speaker 3 (33:08):
If that wasn't good enough, Exactly, Let me tell you
the Paul Harvey version of thestory, which I've now written as
a movie.
Somebody called A Heart forKylie, and I tell how it
transformed my mean ass becauseof her and what God did.
So here's what happened.
So we took her home.
She still didn't have a heartwall between her atria and she

(33:30):
still had a mitral valve problem.
She wasn't out of the woods,but she wasn't going to die
immediately either.
We didn't know when she woulddie.
That was still a very realpossibility.
If she got RSV, if she gotpneumonia, anything could cause
her to go congestive and then wecould lose her.
They told us she can't go todaycare, so Amber had to quit

(33:51):
her job.
We couldn't get divorced likewe had planned.
I don't think it's because Godwanted us to stay married.
I don't know for you out therewho are overly religious.
You're like he loves that Well,I disagree.
I think he was creating a bondbetween us that would lead to a
friendship.
That would be a real bond asopposed to a fake bond that we

(34:14):
entered into in our fakemarriage.
So that predicate laid, we gofor four years every three
months.
So my daughter's now four yearsold.
We've gone to the cardiologist.
I've watched the echoes forthis whole time.
I know exactly what's going onin her heart.
I could probably draw the damnthing, you know.
Um.
And so one day we go in and thecardiologist who I adore still

(34:36):
to this day, uh, dr lisa wroteand she was like hey guys, I saw
something that I didn't reallylike on this echo, so I'm gonna
introduce you to a colleague.
So she takes us down to herroom and I meet this guy named
Dr Tam and Dr Tam isa,cardiothoracic surgeon, and he
says look, your daughter's valveis leaking.
It's graded on a four system,so a one, a two, a three, a four

(34:58):
.
Your daughter's has been in atwo, which is an acceptable leak
.
Three is where we have to startthinking about surgery because
it's too bad for his replacement.
And I went okay, 2008, doc,putting people on the moon and
shit.
You know like you can justreplace the valve Right.
And he goes well, you can.

(35:19):
But no, it's not an option.
I went okay, walk me throughthis, why not?
He said, well, because it'sonly 10 years per valve.
And I went, okay, he goes, youget two valves a life.
I was like, is that likecoverage, determination,
guidelines for injuries?
He goes no, that's because youdie.
Oh, and I went okay, I don'tlike the math, that's 24.

(35:45):
He said I don't like the matheither, so that's why I'm not
doing a replacement.
We are never going to replacethat valve.
He said I'm going to go in andoperate on it and I'm going to
repair it the best I can.
He said so, we're doing that.
Monday morning this was Friday,it's about 4 30 PM.
He said on Monday, december17th, you're going to bring her

(36:06):
to Cook Children's Hospital indowntown Fort Worth.
We're going to meet at 5 am andI'm taking her in for surgery.
I'm going to fix the valve andI'm going to build a wall, a
septum, to put in between heratria.
And I went well, you're acertified badass.

Speaker 2 (36:21):
Yeah right.

Speaker 3 (36:23):
So then I hiccuped because of stress for the next
72 hours.
I don't know if any of you haveever hiccuped for three days
straight, but it's like being ina car wreck.
I have ever experienced in mylife Like it was.
It was hell, but it was just astress response.
You know trauma response.
So anyway, we get there, mondaymorning, december 17th, she

(36:43):
goes into surgery.
You know I'm terrified that mylittle girl is not going to come
out.
Five, seven hours later orsomething.
They come out and they're likesurgery went well.
She's now back in ICU.
You can go see her.
They get ready to move her tothe cardiac rehab floor.
They pull out all of her tubes.
It's jerk all that shit out ofyour chest, like I was like
they're like no, this is normal.

(37:04):
I was like, hey, if you say so,well, I'm still type A
controlling cop guy and I'mkeeping all of the values
because of, yeah, emt training,right?
So I'm keeping all of herhemoglobin and hemoglutin values
in my whip out pad Every time Idid a lab.
I'm like I want to know whatthose numbers were and they were
begrudgingly telling me, right,so I'm writing them all down.
Well, we get to cardiac rehab.

(37:26):
Rehab we're probably a day orso from discharging and my
daughter gets this thousand yardstare like she's not being
responsive and I'm like what thefuck is going on?
remember, it's like I don't know, ricky she's not acting right
like I know it's like just likethat, like she's just acting
really weird and so I'm tryingto get her attention and I'd ask
for something, and they shouldbe like oh you know, it was like

(37:46):
she was drunk and I'm like,okay, you're not on any
medication, so this is strange.
So I pulled my whip out pad.
I'm like, okay, hemoglobin,hemoglobin.
All right, we were at 10.
We then dropped to ninesomething.
We dropped to eight something.
We're, holy shit, the last lab.
We're at seven.
Well, for those of you who don'tknow, when you hit hit seven on
a hemoglobin score, you're atblood transfusion level.

(38:09):
Okay, it means that your blood,your red blood cells, are
disappearing, which means you'rebleeding.
There are other reasons, butpredominantly you only lose red
blood cells because you'rebleeding.
So I go to the charge nurse andI said, hey, just, you know,
hear me out, crazy, dad, dadmoment.
But can you pull up all thelabs?

(38:30):
Because this is what I'verecorded, this is what she's
doing.
I think she may be bleedingsomewhere.
And she starts looking into it.
She was like I don't know howthe hell we missed that and I
went no judgment, but I don'teither.
So, um, can we just fucking fixit?
I don't care about.
You know that she can't bleedto death.

(38:53):
And so the doctor comes in andhe's like I disagree with you.
I checked her out myself.
She's fine and I'm dischargingher tomorrow.
And I went, I paid the fuckinginsurance and no, you're not, um
, and you know you can just callme a crazy dad.
I had the nurse there with me.
I said but here's what's goingto happen next, because my
policy coverage allows for it,you're going to scan her and

(39:15):
you're going to prove to me thatshe's not fucking bleeding
internally because she's notacting right and something is
very wrong.
And the nurse is back therekind of going tell him you know,
and the doctor's like I'msmarter than you and I'm not
doing it.
Everybody's like tell him youknow.
And the doctor's like I'msmarter than you and I'm not
doing it and I went.
Then I will fucking go med staton your ass, I don't really
give a damn, I will go over yourhead.
As high as I got to fucking goto get this done.

(39:36):
He finally relented and herpericardial sac was about 90%
full of blood.
She would not have woke up thenext day, according to the
hematologist and thecardiologist who took over for
the doctor, who clearly didn'tknow his head from a hole in the
fucking earth.
So, long story short, they pullall the blood off her

(39:58):
pericardial sac through aprocedure.
They gave her a full bloodtransfusion and then, seemingly,
she was okay.
She got to come home, took herhome on December 23rd 2012.
Got to spend Christmas with mybaby girl just in time, you know
, and I thought, all right,finally we're on a good train,
lollipop.
You know, we got past the heartsurgery.
She survived that ordeal.

(40:18):
Well, december 30th, afterChristmas had come and gone, she
wakes up one morning and she'sat my house with me and Amber
had already moved out.
We and she's at my house withme and Amber had already moved
out, we were now separated andshe had taken some much needed
time for herself.
You know, I was like I'll keepher and then we'll switch it.
You know, so it was during mytime and Kylie wakes up and

(40:39):
Kylie's walking around being afour year old.
Except that when I said, hey,kiddo, are you hungry?
She looked at me, kevin, shejust shook her little head and
smiled, said no.
It said no without saying noand I went that's weird.
You're a chatty, kathy, whyaren't you talking to daddy?
And then she just shook herhead, no, kept playing, kept
doing her thing, and I'm likeare you just like?
What show are you watching?

(41:00):
Where you learned this shit?
You know, like I'm gonna haveto start monitoring kai you
better, because I don't knowwhat, where you're learning this
crap.
So that's what I'm thinking.
And then I went into my closet.
She was in my master bathroom.
I went into my closet, whichwas attached, and I was going to
just change shirts.
I underestimated the weatherthat day, as we do in Texas, and

(41:21):
I was changing shirts and Ihear a mirror handheld mirror
fall and hit the floor and breakand I went oh fuck.
And I ran in there and I pickedher up and I ran with her to
the living room.
I set her on the couch, I ranthe kitchen.
I grabbed her a milk cup out ofthe refrigerator.
I came back with it.
I said Kylie, take a drink.

(41:41):
And when she did, kevin, it allrolled down her face and I knew
she was having a stroke.
Oh wow, my medical training.
And I went fuck.
So I pick her up, I got her asdressed as I needed to, just to
get her in the car, and I knewthat if I called 911, cook

(42:04):
Children's was about 35 minutesfrom me south.
That was an hour and 10 minutesby ambulance, if not more Right
.
So they had to come to me and Iwent fuck that.
I'm pursuit driving trained,I'm about to do it, and I drove
120 miles an hour to thehospital.
Don't recommend that, by theway, but I did because that's

(42:25):
what I had to do for my littlegirl.
When I got her there, she hadthen full right side paralysis.
Her left pupil was blown.
What happens is the nerve runsjust under the eye, across the
nose, and so if you have rightside aphasia or effects from a
stroke, your left pupil willblow, it'll dilate, so that's
how you can tell.
Her face was drooping.

(42:47):
She couldn't use her hands orcouldn't do anything.
She was just kind of droolingon herself.
She couldn't use her hands orshe couldn't do anything.
She was just kind of droolingon herself lack of a better way
to say it.
And I took her out of her carseat and I'm dying.
Inside I bolt through the doorsof Cook Children's like I own
the fucking ER and top of mylungs stroke.
You know, I got everybody'sattention.

(43:08):
They took her back, scanned her.
I met with the neurologist andhe says ricky, um, she didn't
have one stroke, she had fivestrokes.
Wow, and I went.
Well, fucking course she did.
Like what would?
Why?
That would only make sense formy life.
So, yeah, I was like well, allright.

(43:28):
So he pulls up the ct, we'relooking at it together.
And he said see, right here,right above her, her ear.
He said this is where thespeech center is at in the brain
.
And he said you see the tissue.
I said it's necrotic and hegoes okay, so you know what
you're looking at.
So unfortunately, I do, um.
I said yeah, it's all white,it's not good and he goes.
No, and I don't think neuralpathways will be able to really

(43:52):
form there.
It it's just too much necrotictissue.
And he said we're early Likethis is going to get worse.
This isn't getting better.
And he said and the rest of thespace, junk, you know.
That came from her heart.
What happened was from when theypulled out the tubes and stuff,
they nicked her heart, they puta pacer wire in and there

(44:20):
little hook on it and it torepart of the heart.
And so when they had to do allof the draining of the blood,
they couldn't put her back onany kind of, uh of um plot, uh,
you know, thinning agentsheparin is the one they had her
on.
They couldn't put her back onit because she would bleed to
death.
So it was like a happy medium,you know.
So she formed a bunch of clots.
They all broke off, wentstraight to the brain Dang and

(44:42):
it caused a lot of damage.
He said what you see right now,with the paralysis and
everything.
He said I'm afraid what you seeis what you get and it's only
going to get worse.
He, I'm afraid what you see iswhat you get and it's only going
to get worse.
He said but I'm not in controlof these things and I looked at
him like, well, that's a weirdthing for a scientist to say,
you know and I think that wasmaybe his statement of faith

(45:05):
without going any further Right?

Speaker 2 (45:07):
Oh yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
And I just went huh, interesting statement.
So I'm sitting in ICU.
My little girl's depressed asshit, as you might imagine.
She can't do anything, butshe's all there.
But she's like Metallica One,she's trapped in this body that
she can't make function.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so it's about 1.30 in themorning, I'm watching her sleep

(45:32):
and I just kind of sat back inthe chair I was in.
I looked up to heaven and Iwent fuck.
I said a day, a week or a yeardidn't die when I prayed to you
on that porch.
I said a day, If you give herto me a day, a week or a year,
and you gave me four years.
So I really can't bitch a lickBecause you gave me 4 years.

(45:53):
So I really can't bitch a lickbecause you gave me 4X on what I
asked for.
I wish I wasn't so damn stupid.
I wish I would have asked formore.
I said but you know what?
I've learned a lot about you inthese last four years and I
know now that what you want meto do is tell you the desires of
my heart.
I know, you know them, but youwant to hear me say it, because

(46:15):
that's what daddy wants fromthis kid.
I said so here's what I want.
I want my, I want my daughterback, and I want her back better
than she was.
That's what I want, I said.
But if that's not what you want, then I'll accept what you give
me.
So yeah, let's leave it thereand I didn't also do so.
Um that's day, one day two, daythree, again third day.

(46:39):
God loves that third day heloves three he does, man, and
it's about to trip you out onhow the three works with this
story.
So third day, um, I was helpinga nurse because she was getting
little bed sores on her buttand so I lifted her up and she
said whoa.
And I went oh, all daddy needsis one word walk it in, man.

(47:03):
So I was like that was weird.
And the nurse was like, yeah,that was really odd.
Like how did she even make thatsound?
I was like I don't know, butI'll take it, you know, that's
giving me some hope.
Well, we put her back in thebed and she's sitting there.
We had to feed her, you know.
So we had a tray of food andshit and so we had to feed her
different things and they hadput grapes on the tray,
erroneously.
Kid couldn't eat grapes if shewanted to.

(47:25):
Well, apparently it wasn'terroneous, because that little
hand that was all crippled, allof a sudden it opens up and the
eye that was blown pupil, itliterally constricts and I
watched her facial aphasia, thedrooping, I watched it literally
lift back into place and shereaches her hand out and she

(47:47):
picks up a great pincer style,which means fine motor skills,
and she puts that fucking thingin her mouth and began to chew
it.
And I went holy shit.
You went whoa.
So, yeah, I went whoa.
Well, the idiot that I am, kevin, I decide.

(48:07):
I was like amber, do you havethat bag that you brought with
all those crafts and shit thatyou brought to the hospital?
She's like I do.
I said are there scissors andpaper?
She was like I think.
I was like buy me scissors andbuy me paper.
She was like why?
I was like just do it.
So I then picked Kylie up out ofthe bed because I'm an idiot,
don't do this at home folks andI set her on the floor.

(48:34):
Floor why?
Because I wanted to see if shehad core strength.
Well, I could have just laidthe bed down.
That'd have been too easy,right?
So I move her freaking pole andall her shit, you know.
I set her on the floor andshe's setting up just all.
You know.
This crowd just perfectlylooking around and dr acosta,
the neurologist, walks by andI'm like, hey, check this shit
out, because I have no couthwhenever.
I'm excited.
And he was like shrug yourshoulders for those of you who

(48:57):
can't see me, he goes.
Like I said, man, I don'tcontrol these things Nice.
So third day, finding grossmotor skills came back.
What we learned after this wasthat the strokes had done a
number on her eyes and she wouldhave progressive visual
impairment to the point of lossat a certain point, um, and that

(49:19):
you know that would just betime.
You know what would lead usthere.
Well, they told us okay, great,she's got her fine and gross
motor skills back.
She began to utter words and Iwent home and got all her disney
, sing-along, shit man.
And we ended up dischargingfrom the neurological rehab unit
because she was speaking again,not completely, but after three

(49:45):
months.
Three months she had the fulllanguage, expressive language
ability of a seven-year-old,better than what I had.

Speaker 2 (49:55):
Her and she's only four and she was four.

Speaker 3 (49:59):
Yeah, I prayed a lot better than she was, and that's
what I got.
Wow, uh, three months now.
Here's the trippy part.
If that wasn't that trippyenough.
Well, this last one just killsme because three years later her
vision had progressively beengetting worse.
You know we're getting herglasses and new prescriptions.

(50:21):
She comes home one day and says, dad, I have a headache and my
head's killing me and I'mthinking, fuck, she's having a
stroke, yeah, overreacting first.
And then I was like, well,she's like I'll take my glasses
off.
And I said they're, if it'sbothering you, take them off,
who cares?
Right, like, I'll get you anappointment.
So I called and given herspecial case, you know they got
us in pretty quick and, um, thedoctor puts around the little

(50:44):
loop things he's doing all thistest shit, and he looks up at me
and he goes she's got 20, 20vision.
Um, there are no astigmatisms,she's got perfectly round
eyeballs.
And I went of course she does.
Yeah, right, he goes what.
And I went dude, too much totell.
Is that crazy or is that crazy?

(51:07):
it's, it's absolutelymind-blowing yeah, mind-blowing
on the tails of that is when Iwent to that encounter event to
then go on quest to meet theliving god.
You know why I think he didthose things?
Please tell, because I am sofucking stubborn.
Number one and number two I hadbeen hurt so badly that I never

(51:34):
in a million years thought thatGod could ever love a man like
me.
Because I had gone too far,because I had pissed in his face
, I had pissed on his word.
I literally took a page out ofthe Bible one time to roll a
joint for somebody Like I, haddone stuff that I'm not proud of
in any way and I thoughtthere's no way he would love a

(51:58):
man like me.
Yeah, I get the whole crossthing, but come on, like every
dad has his limits, I mean, mydad did.
What I had to come to realizewas that, no, he doesn't.
And just as he will give usadversity, he will allow storms

(52:22):
in our life to not only shape usand to make us grow.
Which, by the way, do you knowhow you make a tree grow if you
plot or make it?
You know?
Know how you make a tree grow,water, you want to know the best
way to make it grow.
Take a two by four and beat theshit out of the ground around
it.
It puts the tree into a traumastate and it forces its roots to

(52:43):
grow deep.

Speaker 2 (52:45):
Wow, did not know that.

Speaker 3 (52:47):
Yeah, it's the only way it'll survive a storm.
So what is true in nature istrue of man.
He put me in a lot of storms.
I didn't have very deep roots,but he gave me a circumstance,
through Kylie, which made me Icouldn't explain it any other
way.
There was no scientific way tojustify what just took place.

(53:13):
And it forced me because I hadan opinion on the character and
nature of God.
It forced me to say I'm wrong,because what I just saw is
incongruent with what I havealways been believing about who
you are.
So if that's not who you are,then I want to know who you are.

(53:35):
And it set me on this quest,not the ministry quest, but it
set me on a quest to want toknow him.
And as a result of encounterand that, him telling me who I
was and you know, going to questand walking with him for like
nine and a half hours on thisranch and all the shit that he
showed me and that I experiencedthat day, that was.

(53:57):
I mean, you'd put me in aninsane asylum if I told you
everything that I saw that day.
Okay, because it wasotherworldly and it was.
I can't be the same.
I can't be the same.
And after that happened is whenhe then told me to change

(54:17):
churches.
He took my men's group awayfrom me.
He took me.
He took my marriage, my, my, mybonus son at that time tried to
kill my daughter, as if Ididn't have enough shit going on
in my life.
He was hearing voices and hestrangled her one day and had I
not interrupted it, he wouldhave killed her.
He was 11, she was seven andsad, and so that whole thing

(54:38):
blows up in my face Right.
And then he says leave thechurch you're at and go to this
other church.
And I was like I don't want todo that.
All I have left are my men.
Don't take them away from metoo, come on.
And he was like you're leavingthat church, you're going this
other place.
And I was like, well, fuck you,I just won't go to church, you

(54:59):
know.
And so I didn't.
I was a stubborn little asshole.
And finally one day I decidedfine, I'll go.
And so I went and, long storyshort, he told me where to sit
in the balcony, third row, thirdseat.
Like, yes, a signed seat for meand Kevin, if I would.

(55:19):
I'm never late, but the timesthat I did get there a little
late.
My seat was a hundred percentavailable every time every
Sunday, and this was a megachurch gateway in South Lake
where Robert Morris which I'llprobably hearing horrible
stories about right now, butthat's where he led me to go,
and what ended up happening wasI met a guy one day.
He tripped walking up thestairs.
I helped him up.

(55:39):
He invited me to breakfast.
I went begrudgingly and God hadwoke me up on an airplane in
2013 before I really believedany of the shit that I really
believe now.
And he told me then everythingthat was will have nothing to do
with that which is to come.
And I said what does that mean?
And he said you're going tomove away from all the fraud and
investigative stuff you'vealways done.

(56:00):
You're going to write books,you're going to write movies,
you're going to teach and you'regoing to preach.
And I thought what is in myJack Daniels?
I'm delusional, you know, um.
And so I just kind of threwthat in my hip pocket and went
we'll come back to that shit.
And that was 13, 16.
He woke me up on a plane againand he said I'm not asking you
to do ministry, I'm telling youyou're going to do ministry.

(56:21):
And I said well, let me getsomething straight.
Okay, I'm not because I'm notthe fucking preacher type.
I say fuck way too much, Idrink my whiskey too strong.
And well, going back to thatfuck word, I like to do it too
much and you know that's justnot what a preacher is.
So can we just agree thatthat's not who I am.
I'm not Robert Jeffers, and Idon't mean to pick on Robert

(56:41):
Jeffers, but I did.
But that's what I think of whenI think of a preacher, you know
.
So I was just like using him asan example.
And God said, who said you haveto be Robert?
I made you to be Ricky, I needyou to be exactly who you are.
And I said so you're telling meI can preach and say fucking
drink whiskey.
And he said he said, son, Imade you to be who you are, I

(57:05):
just want you to go be who youare.
So no, he didn't agree that Icould run around saying fucking
drink whiskey.
But he made me the way that Iam for a reason, right, I'm
going to resonate with some andI'm going to turn other people
off, and that's okay.
For those of you who don't likemy style, there's Robert
Jeffers.
Go listen to him, right?
And so what ended up happeningout of all of that is that when

(57:28):
I met that guy for breakfastthat morning, he brought a
laptop with him and he showed mea video.
I'm like, are you going to sellme Amway?
But he wasn't.
He showed me a video.
It's 100,000 people and they'rein India.
And the camera turns around andit was him.
He was preaching to this massivecrowd and I didn't know this
guy.
He didn't know me.
I never told him my story.

(57:49):
At this point, I hadn't toldanybody my story.
And he said ricky, the holyspirit told me that day that you
helped me out, that I wassupposed to invite you any
country in the world that I goto to preach.
I'm to give you the microphoneand the stage and you are to
preach.
And I went I'm sorry, what?
Because I was like whoa, okay,that's weird.

(58:11):
Well, I just kind ofhip-pocketed that too, because I
didn't know what to do with it.
So then he invites me to anetworking event.
And I get there and the keynotespeaker was talking about how to
publish your first book.
And I'm like what the fuck?
You told me you wanted to writebooks.
I don't even know how to dothat.
And then I was going to do thebenediction at this particular

(58:33):
event that day.
So I do the benediction and asI'm, you know, greeting people,
as you were coming up sayinggreat prayer, and I'm like,
thank you, I know how to pray,I'm kind of being a dick a
little bit.
And this guy makes locks eyeswith me and he walks over and he
said, hey, I'm Ricky, and he'slike dude, love, your
benediction Really got a lot outof that.

(58:53):
And he said so what do you do?
And I hate that question.
I think his men were.
So, you know, my career penisis bigger than yours, you know.
And so I was like.
I was like the first 20 yearshave been about fraud, the next
20 years will be about God.
And he goes oh man, I like that, I do too.
I've never said it before.
That literally just fell out ofmy face.
And he was like what does itmean?

(59:14):
And I said the riff is soundingcrazy.
And God woke me up on anairplane and told me I would
write movies, write books, teachand preach.
I know it sounds fanatical andhe's like a dog hearing a
whistle.
He goes you want to writemovies?
And I said yeah, I've got a fewideas.
And he said you don't know whoI am, do you?

(59:36):
And I said I know you're Andybecause you said so.
And he said Ricky, I'm AndyCosta.
I am an Emmy award winningfilmmaker.
If you want to write movies,pitch me.
And I said Andy, don't fuckwith me.
So long story short.
Ok, god showed me what, what Itold you.
I will make a way.

(59:57):
And he put these people in mypath as evidence that I wasn't
delusional.
It wasn't because I wasdrinking really good whiskey
that day, it was because he hasa plan and he has a purpose for
my life.
And then I'm at gateway one dayand Robert was sick.
He almost died tragically.
He recovered, and then one ofthe apostolic leaders at the

(01:00:24):
church at the time, jimmy Evanshe's not there anymore, but
Jimmy comes out on stage andnobody's ever there, sunday at
1040.
They do all the live serviceson Saturday.
And so he comes out and he sayswe're going to talk about the
seven benefits of the HolySpirit.
He said, but before I do that,there are four needs that only
God can meet in each of us.
They are acceptance, identity,security and purpose.

(01:00:44):
Now onto the seven needs of theHoly Spirit.
I don't know if anybody elseheard him say those four needs.
Maybe they did, maybe theydidn't, I don't even know if he
remembers even saying it, but Iwrote them down in my notes and
I could not stop thinking aboutthem.
And so, in my quiet time, I saidLord, why can't I stop thinking
about these four words?
And he said, ricky, becausethat is your ministry.

(01:01:06):
And I said you don't trust mewith more than four words.
And he said how about you getin my word and you'll figure it
out?
And so I did.
I started deep diving.
Things were jumping off thepage.
But here's the cool thing, man Igot to Luke 4.
This is where Jesus is led intothe wilderness by the Holy

(01:01:28):
Spirit.
Satan, the enemy, comes to himand tests him.
Jesus had not eaten or drankwater or anything in 40 days.
He's on the verge of death.
And so he's at his weakest.
Satan begins to test him andthe first thing he says to him
is if you are the son of God.
And I went oh my God, that isan identity attack.

(01:01:49):
Holy shit, how did I not eversee that before?
Then he takes Jesus up onto amountaintop and he says all of
the kingdoms of the world havebeen given to me.
I have authority over them.
I will give them to you if youjust bow down and worship me.
And I went that's acceptance,holy shit.
And then he then, similar Cliff, says jump off of here.

(01:02:13):
He quoted scripture to him andsaid the angels won't even allow
your heel to scratch a rock.
And I went that's security.
You know, anytime you talkabout the word, that's security.
And then the next byline thatwas in my Bible said Jesus went
on to fulfill his ministry.
And I went holy fuck, that'spurpose.
God, you lived these four words.

(01:02:36):
You gave us the blueprint forit.
And I said not only was I wrongto say I'm better than your
four words, I'm not.
This is bigger than me.
I can't.

Speaker 2 (01:02:49):
I'm not worthy of those four words.

Speaker 3 (01:02:51):
No, I'm not.
I fell to my knees, prostrate,you know, face on the floor
crying, and said you definitelygot the wrong guy.
And he said get up.
No, I don't.
Why do you believe that aboutyourself?
I just don't think I'm worthyof this.
Like, why would anybody listento me?

(01:03:14):
And he said I'm going to answera few questions for you, but I'm
going to answer the first onethat you wanted to know, the
answer to your whole life.
And I went.
I think I know what this one is.
Why have you let all this badshit happen to me?
Why did you do that to me?
And he said, son, I didn't doit to you, I did it for you.
Son, I didn't do it to you, Idid it for you.

(01:03:36):
And he said and I did it forone word relatable.
I need you to be relatable.
And I said, okay, I guess I canunderstand that.
And then he told me about thevalley stuff and I'm supposed to
go in the valley and do that.
And I said, okay, so what do Iteach?
What is it about these fourwords Like, how do I string this

(01:03:58):
into a message?
And he said well, what doesRevelation 3.20 say?
And I went I don't know.
I have my Bible, I look it up.
Revelation 3.20 says behold, Istand at the door and lets me in
.
I will come into him and eatwith him and he with me.

(01:04:19):
Relationship.
All you got to do is offer youracceptance to him.
Let it in, he said.
But here's the problem, son.
He said what have you done yourwhole life?
And I went loaded question.
He said you have gone aroundknocking on hearts, doors,
seeking who would let you in,and the moment they let you in,

(01:04:39):
they let you down, didn't they?
And I said yes, lord, they did.
And he said so you left, youwent to another one and you've
been on this rat wheel ofinsanity trying to receive
something that isn't for you.
Acceptance is not for you,acceptance is for me.
You are to give it to me.

(01:05:02):
I've already accepted you.
That's why I came and died, sothat you don't have to.
That's why I gave up my life sowe could be in relationship
together, because I've alreadyaccepted you.
Now, all you got to do is sayLord, I accept you.
He said, but you and every otherAdam just like you, you think

(01:05:23):
you're God.
You've made yourself the God ofyour own life.
You think acceptance is for youto receive, glory is for you to
receive.
You're here because you'resupposed to be all these things
and it's all about you, he said.
But it's not, he said, butbecause you're on that rat wheel
, you then start placing youridentity in your trophies, in

(01:05:46):
your titles, in your this, your,that, he said, and none of that
actually identifies you.
It's false, he said.
Satan counterfeits everything Ido and every one of you live
out the counterfeit every singleday.
You think you can meet theseneeds in your life because you
think you're God, and so youseek that acceptance.

(01:06:07):
You then decide what youridentity is, is, and you put it
into things and people, into thenow right, the people, places
and things, he said.
And then you're so wrapped up inthe worldly system that you
think that is where yoursecurity lies, and if you have
enough money, then you can doanything, and then you're secure
and then your purpose is yourcareer.

(01:06:28):
As if I'm that shallow, he said.
In fact, you thought your firstname was a detective for 10
years until I took it away fromyou and I said, yeah, you're
right, I did.
And he said then you didn'tthink you had an identity, you
didn't think you had anysecurity anymore because you
didn't have a badge and a gun tobe it for you.
And then you didn't have yourpurpose, as if I am so shallow

(01:06:51):
that I made you simply to be aninvestigator.
Are you kidding me?
He said.
But, son, when you get itupside down, that's how you live
your life, he said.
But what I want you to do is goteach people that when they
stop making acceptance aboutthem, that they make acceptance

(01:07:12):
about me me and they'll justopen up the door, just let me in
.
Then I will come into them andeat with them, we'll be in
relationship and I will leadthem to their true identity,
just like I did.
You and I went.
You sure as hell did.
You told me exactly who I wasand I missed it because I'm an

(01:07:36):
idiot, but I came around to it.

Speaker 2 (01:07:38):
Like you said earlier , it's because he speaks in
riddles.

Speaker 3 (01:07:41):
He's smarter than us.
Right, we got to catch up.
He said then, once you realizewho you are, then you'll find
your security in me and I'll dothings that won't make any sense
.
He said I've already showed youthat that's why the miracles
occurred.
I needed you to find your wayto belief and then I will show

(01:08:07):
you your many purposes, becauseI didn't create you for just one
reason.
Many purposes because I didn'tcreate you for just one reason.
There are many reasons why Icreated you, just the way that I
did.
He said what I'm asking you todo is to go out and teach that.
He said go to the people whofeel like they are so far gone

(01:08:31):
they can't ever come back, whofeel like they are so far gone
they can't ever come back.
He said that's your people.
And I said I like those people.
I'd love to go talk to thosepeople.
Why?
Because I'm familiar with themud, kevin.

Speaker 2 (01:08:49):
Oh, he knows that.

Speaker 3 (01:08:53):
That's what it's all about, man, is that some of us
are going to find our way.
We're all.
We're all at differentmaturation stages One of life,
two of emotion, three ofintellect, four of spirituality.
Okay, and there are some peoplewho we can all say all day long
, yeah, we want everybody tocome to church, but when the

(01:09:13):
prostitute comes in with themotorcycle gang, I'm pretty damn
sure you're not going to invitethem to come sit next to your
children.
Now, if you do, god bless youright.
But, man, there is a contingentof people out there who don't
feel like they will ever belongin God's house, who don't feel
like they will ever belong inGod's house.
And so I'm just the outlawdisciple, willing to go sit down

(01:09:36):
with them and say I get it.
I haven't always been wantedeither, but you know what I'll
tell you, who does want me?
That's JC.
He loves me and he loves you.
I don't give a shit what you'vedone.
You can't out.
You can't out sin his grace,you just fucking can't.

(01:09:56):
And so if you want somebody totalk to, you got a friend in me.
You want somebody to discipleyou?
You want to learn the Bible?
I'll help you.
That's why he had me write thebook.
That's why he had me do thesethings, and you know I don't
know what it means any more thananybody else.
You know I'm not making aliving doing it.
I don't think that'snecessarily the point, but I

(01:10:18):
started getting requests forthese podcasts and I thought
what the what?
What better way?
Can maybe my voice reach acontingent and maybe it's just
for one or two who just need tohear that your life is worth
living today?

Speaker 2 (01:10:37):
That's what I've always said with the podcast.
The Fuzzy Mike is if one persongets something out of it,
that's worth it 100%.

Speaker 3 (01:10:45):
So we have to press on.
We feel sometimes like it's toomuch.
I was laying in bed the othernight, probably three nights ago
Actually.
My kids aren't with me thisweek and I have a hard time and
they're not with me and you know, life hasn't been sunshine and
fucking rainbows for me ever.
It's not right now and I wouldjust reach the point of being so

(01:11:09):
tired that I just laid in bedand I started crying and I said
can I just come home?
Point of being so tired that Ijust laid in bed and I started
crying and I said can I justcome home?
I'm so tired, I just want tocome home.
And as I sat there and cried andI just was like laying on the
chest of God, like a little boywould do his daddy, I could see

(01:11:30):
my little boy, bennett, threeyears old, this smile and
hearing his laugh.
I could see my daughter andknowing the plans that she has
coming up to graduate highschool and college.
And and I just said don't youdare take me, don't you dare.
You leave my ass right here.
And and I'm going to cowboy up.

(01:11:52):
Okay, I'm going to cowboy up.
I'm going to remember thatyou're not done with me.
Yet If you were done with me,then I would cease to exist
right now.
I just lost my stepbrother.
He was literally having a drinkof Jameson with somebody and
the next second he was dead.
He was 40 years years old, noknown health issues.

(01:12:15):
Just so, when he, when he, whenhe's ready for you, you're gone
.
Yeah, he ain't fucking changingit, right.
We're all gonna get knocked outof this meat suit one way or
another, but don't do it for him, right?
Allow him.
Allow him to be the potter,allow yourself to be the clay.

(01:12:36):
And sometimes I know it fuckingsucks to continually be
remolded and remolded and morewater and more you know.
All right, let's reshape youand let's do this and let's do
that, but the thing that I hadto learn the hardest was that
it's okay to be broken.
God gave me a vision one day,kevin, and the vision was this

(01:12:58):
it was a beautiful vase and Idon't have beautiful vases in
the entry of my house and it wason a little rickety table and
somebody walked by, I think me,and bumped it and it jiggled and
it fell and it broke by, Ithink me and bumped it and it
jiggled and it fell and it broke.
And then the next moment in thescene, boom, it's back up on
the thing and it's like I zoomedin and it had been fixed with

(01:13:20):
super glue and there were thesesuper glue globules everywhere.
It was ugly as shit, you know,trying to fix it and there were
pieces that were upside down.
They weren't put in back rightbecause I tried to fix it and
what God said to me was becauseI'm befuddled and he goes.
That's you, and I went, I'm abroken vase.
And he goes yeah, yeah, you'rea broken vase and you think that

(01:13:44):
putting yourself back togetheris the right thing to do.
He said but right now, with allthat super glue and pieces
upside down and you making looklike it's all put together, he
said but if I put my light inthere, how's it ever going to
shine through if it's not broken?
And I went wow.
I said so what I'm hearing yousay, lord, is that I to stop

(01:14:10):
projecting that I have it alltogether and I got to start
being honest with people andtell them that no, I'm just a
fuck up too, and the other thingis that you can't fix it.
You can't fix it.
So folks find comfort in yourbrokenness.
You got to find peace with itand you got to find peace with
God in it and know that if youstill have a heartbeat, man, he

(01:14:40):
still has a reason for why youdo and he wants you this side of
heaven and when he's ready tobring you home, make no mistake,
it'll be a blink and you willbe there.

Speaker 2 (01:14:46):
I have no doubt that that is the case.
My thanks to Ricky Sluder forjoining me and for his beautiful
stories.
You can get in touch with Rickyat AcceptingTruthFindingHopecom
and for your weekly dose oflaughter and riveting
conversation, check out theTuttle Cline podcast.
Wherever you listen to theFuzzy Mike, New episodes post

(01:15:06):
every Wednesday.
Now, back in 1998, I went to anindustrial metal concert in St
Louis.
The headliners were a bandcalled Jenna Torturers, but it
was the opening band that endedup blowing me away that night.
On the next episode of the FuzzyMike, we're going to meet the
lead singer who, as a minister,was excommunicated from the

(01:15:27):
church, fell into heavyaddiction and that led to a
decade away from music, and henow shares his story of sobriety
and mental stability to helpothers navigate their own path
Kind of like what we try to dohere with the Fuzzy Mike.
Let you know that you're notalone.
We're going to talk about thereturn of his band and the new

(01:15:48):
music they just released nextweek.
I can't wait.
It is so cool.
Saw these guys play in 1998.
Now this guy and I text eachwait.
It is so cool.
Saw these guys play in 1998.
Now this guy and I text eachother.
It's so cool.
Anyway, I'm excited for you tomeet him.
Hope you'll join me then.
The Fuzzy Mike, hosted andproduced by Kevin Kline,
Production elements Zach Sheeshat the Radio Farm.
Social media director is TrishKline.

(01:16:09):
Thank you for sharing your timewith me.
I'm grateful, is Trish.

Speaker 1 (01:16:12):
Klein, thank you for sharing your time with me.
I'm grateful Thanks forlistening to this episode of the
Fuzzy Mike with Kevin Kline.
Check back often and stay fuzzyfriends.
Fuzzy Mike is a presentation ofthe Kevin Kline Fuzzy Mike
Industry Incorporated LLC.