February 7, 2025 • 32 mins
This episode explores the journey of grief and healing following the 18-year anniversary of the host's husband's passing. It delves into the complexities of experiencing joy alongside sorrow, the relevance of therapeutic support, the ethics of monetizing grief, and the personal growth that emerges from loss.
• Acknowledging the anniversary of loss while pursuing happiness
• Understanding that two contradictory emotions can coexist
• The role of therapy in managing grief
• Reflections on online grief communities and their impact
• Discussing the ethics of "grief for pay"
• Personal anecdotes of growing up as a widow
• The emotional process of decluttering memories
• Preparing for future relationships and healing
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the
Gag Is Pot.
I'm your girl, charli Shante.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
Happy Friday to you.
Or, if you listened to thissome other day, happy weekday or
weekend to you.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
(00:22):
Joining me on another episode.
We're going to go ahead and jumpon in this thing because I felt
like there was something I wassupposed to say but I forgot.
So go ahead and grab your drink, grab your snack, whatever it
is you grab when you listen tothis, or if you driving and
listen to this, go ahead andturn them ears on high so that
(00:45):
you can absorb everything thatwe got going on today.
I guess I can say today's aspecial episode, or it's a
special topic.
We're going to go with that.
It's a special day, specialtopic, we gonna go with that.
(01:08):
It's a special day, specialtopic, um, one that I am not
shattered by doing anymore.
Um, let's say that.
So, like I said, grab yourdrinks, grab your snacks,
whatever.
Make sure your volume is goodif you're driving, um, and
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(01:28):
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(01:49):
handle on YouTube.
All right, let's go ahead andjump into today's episode.
So today's episode, on Tuesday,was the 18th year anniversary of
my husband passing away and youknow it always sucks because,
(02:12):
like, the beginning of the yearis like we have a new start to
the year, but I know, just 35days later, it's like one of the
most terriblest days of youknow, of my life.
You know, and it's like so it'slike you going from being on
this high to, you know, beinglike dang, like he's really gone
(02:40):
.
This year has been a betteryear because I go to therapy and
I do what I'm supposed to doand I retain the information,
but it seems like when I retainthe information, I don't act on
the information like I'msupposed to.
(03:00):
So I'll be told something andI'll be like, ok, yes, I got it.
And then I really don't have it.
And then, out of the blue, Igot it, I just have it.
I'm starting to learn two thingscan be true at the same time,
and what I'm learning is the twothings that can be true is I
(03:25):
can miss him like hell.
All I want to, and I don't haveto be sad, and I know you're
probably like, oh, that soundsweird.
I miss him and then I get supersad and I feel like I've been
forcing myself to be sad becauseif I remember the day and I'm
not sad, it makes it in my mind.
(03:47):
The way my mind works, it'skind of like oh, you forgot
about him, sis, because today,today that he died, and you
ain't even sad.
But things can be true.
You can acknowledge and you canmove on.
You don't have to be stuck injust that one space.
And I think this year I'mfinally understanding that you
(04:09):
acknowledge the day and youdidn't.
You weren't sad, you didn'thave to be sad.
You acknowledge the day and youdidn't have to stop your whole
life.
You didn't have to say, oh, myGod, like this is just so sad,
and just just bawl and cry, say,oh my God, like this is just so
sad, and just just bawl and cry.
I acknowledged and I kept my daygoing.
Have I had some rough daysleading up?
(04:32):
Absolutely.
I've had some insomnia days,I've had some a few panic
attacks, you know, and stufflike that.
But I know that that's part ofit, not because I remember the
panic attacks, because my bodyis trying to forget.
And when, since my body istrying to forget, it's kind of
like if you forget, you're wrong.
(04:53):
And then, like the other partof my brain is like no, no, no,
that's not healthy, that's notwhat's going on here, and it's
kind of like, oh, ok.
So I acknowledged and Icontinued on with my day and it
was just as simple as that andI've made it through another
(05:14):
year.
I can't believe it's been 18years, because I'm like 18 years
ago I was 21, had just turned21.
And now here I am going to be40 this year and it's like my
whole adulthood I've been awidow and that is super crazy.
(05:36):
It's just super crazy.
So you know the way that somepeople you know, when you're 21
and you're learning lessons andyou're finding out and stuff
like that, like I didn't havethat, the opportunity to do that
, because it's like I turned 21.
I got drunk and then a fewweeks later I had to be a widow
and I'm like I got to besomething that I don't even know
(05:58):
how to be.
I don't even know nobody that'sbeen is to ask for guidance.
Don't even know nobody that'sbeen this to ask for guidance.
So I just got to go and I gotto figure it out.
And it wasn't until I was likein my thirties that I started
figuring it out.
And you know, I've let so muchtime go and so much time passed
me by and I feel like I'm aboutto have to start playing catch
(06:20):
up, because it's kind of like,why didn't I catch this in like
my twenties?
Playing catch up because it'skind of like, why didn't I catch
this in like my twenties?
You know what I'm saying Likewhy is it just making sense now
in my thirties?
Like that is.
That's crazy, you know.
But instead of dwelling on whatI couldn't grasp in my twenties
, I'm going to go ahead while Iknow now and go ahead and make
(06:43):
it, um, make it right and notand not beat myself up, um, and
I'll be myself up about itbecause I was, I was still a kid
and for so long it's like whensomething happens and somebody
passes away, like that day isforever Right.
And so sometimes I'm it sucks,but sometimes I feel like I'm
(07:05):
still in a mindset of that 21year old who lost her husband
and there were kids involved,you know, and I have to remember
like, no, you're not that 21year old.
The day is tragic, but youevolved from there and you've
evolved so much and I'm justlike, okay, you're right.
(07:29):
So I'm getting very proud ofmyself.
And you know, people tell meall the time they're like I
don't understand how you lostyour husband and you had, you
know, in your early twenties andyou know, you still managed to
go on and not lose it, not getaddicted to drugs and all of
this kind of stuff.
And I'm like God, becausethat's the only reason that I
(07:52):
have a brief stint with alcohol.
Absolutely I did, and you know,for a long time I couldn't
admit that, but I did for for aminute.
I had a for about two and ahalf years.
For about two and a half yearsI had a severe battle with
alcohol and I think the onlyreason why it got better is
(08:13):
because I got pregnant with newface, like to be honest with you
.
So you know I've had to learnhard lessons and you know, but
I'm grateful for where I amtoday, super grateful for where
I am today.
So I want to roll into, youknow, one of my little mini
topics.
(08:34):
And over the past year, I'vebeen seeing a lot of stuff
online right, and you know a lotof stuff online right, and you
know, social media has becomethe best and the worst thing
possible, because you can use itto keep in contact with people
and you can use it to shareinformation and you can also use
(08:54):
it to tear down people.
And over the past year, I'vebeen, I don't know how.
I probably liked the post oneday, I don't know, but I ended
up like like I started seeingthese posts about widows and
grieving and stuff like that andI was like, okay, you know,
like, let me check these out.
(09:14):
And I, you know cause, I waslike they were black women.
So I was like, you know, I can,I can resonate and, you know,
relate to them.
You know, let me check thesepeople out.
I started, you know, I went on acouple of pages and then you
know, like, one page leads toanother page and the suggestions
, and I was like, ok, cool, sothere is actually a network out
(09:39):
here of black women who sharetheir stories upon grief, women
who share their stories upongrief.
And as I started taking adeeper dive into it, I started
to realize that how can I putthis without this sounding nasty
?
Okay, I'm going to call itgrief for pay.
(10:09):
You know not saying that.
So let me explain that.
Grief of pay is we're grieving.
Your life is in shambles andI've been there, I've done that,
I know how to get through it,but I'm going to charge you to
help you get through it.
I don't agree with that becauseit's kind of like, why can we
not lift each other up for free?
You know, like, why is yourproduct helping sad people?
(10:33):
Like why are you charging tohelp sad people?
I'm in the same boat as y'all,you know, respectively, and you
know, even though they're Blackwomen, I personally now not
saying that this is not there.
I personally have not comeacross a Black woman who is a
(10:57):
widow at my age.
Like I said, I'm not sayingthat this has never happened,
not saying that this is not outthere saying that this has never
happened, not saying that it'snot out there, I just haven't
come across it yet.
But most of the ones that I seethey're like late 20s, early
30s, you know, and even in the40s, and it's like why say, are
you sad?
You can't figure it out, sis?
(11:19):
Well, do you need a community?
Why do I got to pay to get tobe in the community?
You know what I'm saying?
We all going through the samething.
Why do I got to pay to be in acommunity?
I don't think that's cool.
My podcast dedicated to blackwomen who are widows, dedicated
to all women who are widows, andguess what?
(11:39):
Y'all can listen for freebecause none of the places you
listen cost money.
Y'all can listen for freebecause none of the places you
listen cost money.
So I'm helping you in a sense,but I'm not charging you to help
you get better, because you'reand it that just doesn't sit
right with it doesn't sit rightwith me, and you know, sitting
in front of a camera, crying,like that doesn't.
(12:01):
Now, these are just my opinions, y'all, so don't come for me.
That just don't sit well withme because, like, how long did
you have to sit there and drumthat up to cry.
And we all know as a society welike it when people are sad and
it's drama filled and differentthings like that.
That's not just me have I hadsome episodes where I have cried
and yeah, and there wasepisodes that I unintentionally
(12:21):
cry.
I can't just sit here and gookay, on the count of three I'm
just gonna bust out.
I'm just gonna bust out cryingand then I'm gonna start talking
and it's gonna be dramatic andthen people are gonna be like
it's okay, keep your's okay,keep your head up.
I can't do that.
I just can't do that.
And I don't knock anybody'sjourney or how they deal or how
(12:43):
they process.
But it do make me question areyou really that sad?
Not saying that in a bad way,but it's kind of like you know
how to keep it and hold ittogether, but when you squeezing
your eyes real hard and youmaking the one tear fall, I
can't take you serious.
Can't take you serious.
Like I said, not knockinganybody's journey, not knocking
(13:06):
anything like that, but just tome it just does not sit well
with me.
I like if I had products like ajournal or something like that,
I understand like, hey, do youneed an outlet to write and, you
know, get those thoughts out.
Absolutely I'm going to charge,but am I going to charge you to
watch me cry on camera andstuff like that?
(13:28):
Absolutely not, not going to dothat.
That, just it just does not sitright with me.
I actually got my stuff.
I actually got my topics today,y'all.
Um, then and now, 21, being awidow, uh, I tried to go back
(13:49):
because when he passed away, Iwas on my uh, myspace and I
tried to go back and look atwhat I had written, but MySpace
has wiped it.
And then, um, I guess my emailswere too old and Gmail got rid
of my emails from him.
Um, no, yahoo got rid of myemails from him.
So I don't know, let me knowwhat y'all like.
(14:11):
Is there somebody I can reachout to to make like maybe those?
Because that's kind of all Igot from him.
You know our emails and stufflike that.
You know I'm going to have tolook into that, but you're 18
then and now.
Then, like I told you previously, I did battle with alcohol for
a little bit, but like I was offthe train, I was out here
(14:32):
riding.
Motorcycles almost crashed afew times.
I was out here ridingmotorcycles, almost crashed a
few times and you know, I wasout here living life on what we
call the edge.
Just just the edge is righthere and I was right here.
I was out here living life onthe edge.
I attempted to go to therapyand I quit going.
(14:53):
And this is why I quit goingfor a long time, because when I
went, dude was like you justsaid yes, sir, I am sad.
I'm sad because I just lost mywhole life partner and that's
all you got to offer for me.
But I should have known that,um, this middle-aged white man
couldn't offer me anycondolences about losing my
black husband.
You know, I'm saying that'sjust what it was.
(15:16):
And I didn't go back to therapyfor a long time.
I was like I can deal with this, I can deal with this, whatever
, whatever.
And you know I couldn't dealwith it.
Okay, I couldn't deal with it.
And you know I was just makingbad choices and bad decisions
and just waking up like, okay,what are we going to do today?
I don't even know what we'regoing do today, like we're just
(15:36):
gonna wake up and be.
I'm just gonna wake up and be amom today and that's all it's
gonna be and that's all Iliterally did for about seven
years.
I just just eight years.
That that's all I did.
I just woke up, without apurpose.
But now and again I had to gothrough my 20s.
(16:01):
And now I'm in my 30s and I'mgetting better and I'm taking
the opportunity to enact andflourish in the things that I
did not.
After it happened, I'm finallystarting to put the pieces
together and, you know, getmyself together, because there
are some areas that, you know, Ifeel like I'm too old to be
(16:23):
trying to start and thriving.
But then I realize that you'renever too old to do anything.
You know, just because itdidn't happen in your 20s, you
know, doesn't mean that it can'thappen for you in your 20s, you
know, doesn't mean that itcan't happen for you.
And so now I'm like, brick bybrick by brick, trying to take
what I've learned over the past18 years and finally make the
(16:44):
foundation and finally start tobuild on the foundation.
And it's still rough sometimes,you know.
There are still days where itdon't make sense.
But you know, I still have myangry days and I'm, like, you
know, like why did you leave me?
You know, like that was selfishof you, like why did you leave
the kids?
Like we got grandkids now, likewhy did you leave?
(17:05):
Like why would you do that?
Like that's so selfish of you.
But then I have to realize he'sgone in the physical, but he
forever.
He's forever our angel, becauseI know I'd be out doing stuff
and he'd be like, oh my god,like girl, and I'd be like I'm
sorry, sorry sir, sorry sir, butI'm finally taking the time and
(17:26):
, um, putting putting ittogether.
I've started to lay thefoundation and you, things are
starting to get good, get better.
You know I'm having tounderstand and I have to.
I'm starting to not griefsabotage.
That's probably not a word, butit's my word.
Grief sabotage, like, and to me, grief sabotage is making
(17:51):
yourself feel sad and you knowbasking and sitting in that
yourself feel sad, and you knowbasking and sitting in that.
You know what I'm saying.
So you know I, over the weekend,I had a day where I ate pizza,
I had two ice cream sandwichesand that's just what it was.
I woke up the next day and Iwas back on my health and you
know, like, eating how Icorrectly eating how I was
(18:12):
supposed to.
There's nothing wrong with that?
Like my friend told me.
She's like there's nothingwrong with that.
Like my friend told me, she'slike there's nothing wrong with
that.
She said you just can't sit inthat.
And that's exactly whathappened.
But while I'm eating pizza andeating ice cream sandwiches,
there go y'all weekly episodey'all.
Even though I'm eating pizzaand I'm eating ice cream
(18:34):
sandwiches, I didn't go fullblown crazy because the whole
day I drunk water.
So you know, I have my days thatI sit in it and I don't let it
carry on.
Whether that be, I have to comein my room or I have to just go
somewhere and I have to dosomething.
I sit in it and I get out of it, because when you sit somewhere
(18:56):
too long, you get complacent,and then complacent doesn't get
you anywhere.
So I had that day.
You know, hey, my creamsandwiches were busting hard.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
I was like that was the cookieones with the ice cream, don't
get me started.
So you know, um, so you know um, there that's.
(19:17):
I sit, I get over, I get overit.
It's so strong I, I workthrough it, I process it and um,
yeah, I, I wake up the next day.
I, you know, refreshed and youknow that's just what it is.
So, y'all know, last year Istarted back there.
Well, I started back with mypsychiatrist real heavy um and
(19:41):
whatnot and um, when I went tosee her last month she gave me
some homework.
She was like um cause I toldher.
I said I've been fumbling andtoying with the idea of opening
his um, his belongings box.
So when a person passes away inthe military they put their um
(20:02):
stuff in these foot lockers andthen they ship it to you.
So I have a foot locker thathas all the letters we ever
wrote, has his personalbelongings and all of that, and
like nobody's allowed to touchit, it's in the garage, it's
sealed up, nobody can touch it,like I.
I have before before thisincident I probably I've been in
(20:28):
my house for seven years.
I probably have not opened thatin six years.
Um, you know, and I want to gothrough it.
And as time goes on I keepstuff and then there's some
stuff that I can let go, likeour letters.
I'll never let go of thoseletters, but there's like okay,
(20:50):
so let me back up.
So my psychiatrist gave mehomework.
She said I think if you'reready, go ahead and open the box
.
And I said okay.
So I was hyping myself up.
I was like, all right, cool,I'm gonna do this box, I'm gonna
do this box.
And I was like, yeah, and I waslike I'm gonna pick a day and
I'm gonna do it.
And then I noticed, when I saidI was gonna pick garage
(21:14):
throwing something away, and Iopened the box, just
unintentionally, unplanned, onwhatever, just opened it, picked
up a letter, read it, closedthe box, came back in the house
and it was nothing.
It was like it was closure,closure.
(21:45):
And I'm trying to figure out why, at year 18, I'm seeking so
much closure.
I don't, I don't understand,you know, but I never questioned
cry, I didn't do anything, Ididn't get sad.
I literally went on about myday.
I came in the house, I textedNick, I said I opened a box, I'm
(22:11):
okay.
And she's like, oh my God, whatshe was like are you okay?
Do you need anything?
Do you need me to come?
And I was like, nope, I'm good,I'm okay.
And it felt so good to say that, like I'm good, I'm okay, like
it felt super duper good to saythat, and I still, I think I got
(22:32):
a little numb.
And then I got.
You know, I got into this thingwhere I was just like, okay, I'm
just going to clean, I'm justgoing to let the day go.
But this is like not yourregular, like you know, let me
make sure to like.
This was like I went into adeep clean tailspin and after it
was all said and done, I hadstill had piles and stuff
because, like, when it wore off,I was just like, okay, wore off
(23:03):
.
I was just like okay, and II've been so at peace with
opening that box, but I don'tknow if I have right now if I'm
able to go back and open it up.
I don't know if I'm ready forthat just yet, but knowing that
I opened it and I didn't have ameltdown, I want to say that's
step one.
She told me.
She said when you come back, Ineed you to tell me that you
opened that box.
I was like, yeah, you asked toomuch right now, but I'm glad I
(23:28):
did it.
I read a letter.
It brought a smile to my faceand it was just like case closed
and it's like well, what am Iseeking closure for?
Like I don't know, I don't getit, but it felt good.
Um, I think it did hit me acouple days later.
(23:50):
I still didn't cry, but it hitme like okay, he's really gone,
he really gone, um, and I don'tknow.
I don't know, I'm okay.
I think I'm shocked that I'mokay, because I expected to open
this box and just be in aturmoil and just be in shambles.
(24:11):
But I'm okay, I'm okay, I'mokay, I'm going to go.
You good, sis, like you're,you're getting better.
And I didn't have to take it.
I didn't in my mind I was goingto turn it into a vlog, like
I'm going to take y'all on thisjourney with me to open this box
(24:34):
for the first time in six years, seven years, and you know,
we're going to see how it goesso that I can look back on it
and see where I came from.
And that didn't happen.
So I think maybe the next timeI do it, I bring y'all along
with me just to do it and to getit and to see it get done.
(24:59):
One of my, like I said, one ofthe reasons why I opened it is,
I wouldn't say letting go of thepast, I just say moving forward
from the past and thenrealizing that material things
yes, they do remind you.
But material things are not thememories, if that makes sense.
(25:21):
If that makes sense, um,because like everything.
So this bear right here, thisbear you can't see his face all
the way um has pins andinsignias on it from when we
both were in the military, um,and this was a bear that was
given to me, um, at his funeralby his best friend, um, and you
(25:49):
know I hold on to stuff likethat.
You know that I'll probablynever get rid of.
If anything, I'll pass it downto the grand babies.
But like, throw it away, like Ican't do.
But I have some stuff that likeballoons, like when I got
balloons, like I have the foilballoons that are deflated, um,
(26:11):
that stuff, I can let that stuffgo because I always I have the
pictures, I always, you know,remember that memory.
I don't have to hold on to thatstuff.
And then I also think you knowthere's going to come a point in
time where I'm going to, youknow I'm going to be moved on
(26:32):
new relationship, marriage orwhatever, and you know I don't
want to make that person feeluncomfortable.
And so I feel like, instead ofwaiting until that day comes
where it's kind of like, okay,I'm married and we're going to
(26:55):
combine households or whatever,like that.
Instead of waiting until thatday and then it becoming so
traumatic, traumatic, I'vealready started, like my next
healing, my next phase of, youknow, getting getting rid of the
stuff.
I mean, it's not, it's not.
(27:16):
I had to realize it's notagainst the law, it's not a
crime, it doesn't make me a badperson.
Um, like some of the stuff Iknow what to keep and I wouldn't
know what not to keep.
Some of the stuff I've hadideas of donating to different
museums and different stuff likethat.
Um, so it's like, throwing itaway is not not the end.
I'll be all.
It doesn't mean I'm a badperson, it doesn't mean that I'm
forgetting or I'm trying toerase him out of my life, you
(27:38):
know.
And I finally had to tell myselfthat, like, cut it out.
Tell myself that, like, cut itout, cut the shit out.
You, you fine girl like you,you, you, uh, grief, sabotaging,
let like, let it go, sis.
Um, people always ask me wouldI get married again?
And the answer is yes, I would.
Um, but in the same sense, I'mgonna make sure that it is right
(28:04):
and I actually can't wait tothe day that I become somebody's
wife again, because I'm goingto get a very healed version of
me.
So, yeah, so I'm going to getmarried one day and I hate that
y'all be like it's been so longand you still ain't married yet.
And then I'll be like it's beenso long and you've been married
(28:26):
and divorced how many times.
Like, don't come for me Like, Ido things on my time.
I know when the time is right,because I want to make sure that
I'm good for somebody.
I want to make sure that I amnot a train wreck and I don't
trauma dump and I don't projectmy feelings of hurt and betrayal
from my husband dying onsomebody.
(28:47):
Okay, like, let me do this.
I got this, I got this.
Okay, don't worry about whowill change my last name and
when they're going to do it.
It'll get changed.
Just know it will.
Okay, that's all you need toknow.
You need to know who, when,what, how and why.
Okay, I'm going to.
(29:07):
You need to know.
You need to know who, when,what, how and why.
Okay, I'm gonna get marriedagain.
I'm just doing this.
This.
Charlotte's timing okay, it'sgod's timing, but charlotte and
god time okay, it's all you needto worry about.
And um, so, yeah, so, let,that's.
That's, that's the end of that.
You know, um, we, we've, we'vecome to you know what?
In last year's episode I cried.
(29:29):
I've gone through the entireepisode and I did not cry.
Yay.
So we're going to go ahead andwrap this thing up with our song
lyric of the week, and thisweek the song lyric of the week
is Yesterday, by Leona Lewis.
Such a great song.
(29:50):
She opens the song by sayingstill can't believe that you're
gone and I still can't believethat you're gone, but you know,
it's an eternal, forever love.
Like Lauren London say, griefis the final act of love.
So yeah, leona Lewis, yesterdayis the song lyric of the week.
(30:10):
If you have not already, pleasemake sure you are following us
on the socials, at thegaggastpod, on Instagram, thegaggastpod,
on YouTube, and also make sure,wherever you listen to your
podcast, that you are hitting alittle plus sign in the right
hand corner.
Make sure you are hitting thatso that every time a new episode
(30:31):
is released, you are gettingthat notification and you do not
miss out.
All right, we out of this thing.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
I am your girl, charlie Shante.
This is the Gag is Hot.
Bye, guys.
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the
Gag Is Pot.
I'm your girl, charli Shante.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
Happy Friday to you.
Or, if you listened to thissome other day, happy weekday or
weekend to you.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
(00:22):
Joining me on another episode.
We're going to go ahead and jumpon in this thing because I felt
like there was something I wassupposed to say but I forgot.
So go ahead and grab your drink, grab your snack, whatever it
is you grab when you listen tothis, or if you driving and
listen to this, go ahead andturn them ears on high so that
(00:45):
you can absorb everything thatwe got going on today.
I guess I can say today's aspecial episode, or it's a
special topic.
We're going to go with that.
It's a special day, specialtopic, we gonna go with that.
(01:08):
It's a special day, specialtopic, um, one that I am not
shattered by doing anymore.
Um, let's say that.
So, like I said, grab yourdrinks, grab your snacks,
whatever.
Make sure your volume is goodif you're driving, um, and
before all of that, before wejump in, make sure you are
following, make sure you aregoing and hitting the little
(01:28):
plus sign that's in the topright hand corner of whatever
platform that you're listeningon, so that every time a new
episode is dropped, you get itautomatically.
You ain't got to worry about ifit's a new episode out, because
if you're following me and youhit that plus sign, you're going
to already get it.
All you got to do is tune inand listen, make sure you're
following us on thegagitspod, onInstagram and it's the same
(01:49):
handle on YouTube.
All right, let's go ahead andjump into today's episode.
So today's episode, on Tuesday,was the 18th year anniversary of
my husband passing away and youknow it always sucks because,
(02:12):
like, the beginning of the yearis like we have a new start to
the year, but I know, just 35days later, it's like one of the
most terriblest days of youknow, of my life.
You know, and it's like so it'slike you going from being on
this high to, you know, beinglike dang, like he's really gone
(02:40):
.
This year has been a betteryear because I go to therapy and
I do what I'm supposed to doand I retain the information,
but it seems like when I retainthe information, I don't act on
the information like I'msupposed to.
(03:00):
So I'll be told something andI'll be like, ok, yes, I got it.
And then I really don't have it.
And then, out of the blue, Igot it, I just have it.
I'm starting to learn two thingscan be true at the same time,
and what I'm learning is the twothings that can be true is I
(03:25):
can miss him like hell.
All I want to, and I don't haveto be sad, and I know you're
probably like, oh, that soundsweird.
I miss him and then I get supersad and I feel like I've been
forcing myself to be sad becauseif I remember the day and I'm
not sad, it makes it in my mind.
(03:47):
The way my mind works, it'skind of like oh, you forgot
about him, sis, because today,today that he died, and you
ain't even sad.
But things can be true.
You can acknowledge and you canmove on.
You don't have to be stuck injust that one space.
And I think this year I'mfinally understanding that you
(04:09):
acknowledge the day and youdidn't.
You weren't sad, you didn'thave to be sad.
You acknowledge the day and youdidn't have to stop your whole
life.
You didn't have to say, oh, myGod, like this is just so sad,
and just just bawl and cry, say,oh my God, like this is just so
sad, and just just bawl and cry.
I acknowledged and I kept my daygoing.
Have I had some rough daysleading up?
(04:32):
Absolutely.
I've had some insomnia days,I've had some a few panic
attacks, you know, and stufflike that.
But I know that that's part ofit, not because I remember the
panic attacks, because my bodyis trying to forget.
And when, since my body istrying to forget, it's kind of
like if you forget, you're wrong.
(04:53):
And then, like the other partof my brain is like no, no, no,
that's not healthy, that's notwhat's going on here, and it's
kind of like, oh, ok.
So I acknowledged and Icontinued on with my day and it
was just as simple as that andI've made it through another
(05:14):
year.
I can't believe it's been 18years, because I'm like 18 years
ago I was 21, had just turned21.
And now here I am going to be40 this year and it's like my
whole adulthood I've been awidow and that is super crazy.
(05:36):
It's just super crazy.
So you know the way that somepeople you know, when you're 21
and you're learning lessons andyou're finding out and stuff
like that, like I didn't havethat, the opportunity to do that
, because it's like I turned 21.
I got drunk and then a fewweeks later I had to be a widow
and I'm like I got to besomething that I don't even know
(05:58):
how to be.
I don't even know nobody that'sbeen is to ask for guidance.
Don't even know nobody that'sbeen this to ask for guidance.
So I just got to go and I gotto figure it out.
And it wasn't until I was likein my thirties that I started
figuring it out.
And you know, I've let so muchtime go and so much time passed
me by and I feel like I'm aboutto have to start playing catch
(06:20):
up, because it's kind of like,why didn't I catch this in like
my twenties?
Playing catch up because it'skind of like, why didn't I catch
this in like my twenties?
You know what I'm saying Likewhy is it just making sense now
in my thirties?
Like that is.
That's crazy, you know.
But instead of dwelling on whatI couldn't grasp in my twenties
, I'm going to go ahead while Iknow now and go ahead and make
(06:43):
it, um, make it right and notand not beat myself up, um, and
I'll be myself up about itbecause I was, I was still a kid
and for so long it's like whensomething happens and somebody
passes away, like that day isforever Right.
And so sometimes I'm it sucks,but sometimes I feel like I'm
(07:05):
still in a mindset of that 21year old who lost her husband
and there were kids involved,you know, and I have to remember
like, no, you're not that 21year old.
The day is tragic, but youevolved from there and you've
evolved so much and I'm justlike, okay, you're right.
(07:29):
So I'm getting very proud ofmyself.
And you know, people tell meall the time they're like I
don't understand how you lostyour husband and you had, you
know, in your early twenties andyou know, you still managed to
go on and not lose it, not getaddicted to drugs and all of
this kind of stuff.
And I'm like God, becausethat's the only reason that I
(07:52):
have a brief stint with alcohol.
Absolutely I did, and you know,for a long time I couldn't
admit that, but I did for for aminute.
I had a for about two and ahalf years.
For about two and a half yearsI had a severe battle with
alcohol and I think the onlyreason why it got better is
(08:13):
because I got pregnant with newface, like to be honest with you
.
So you know I've had to learnhard lessons and you know, but
I'm grateful for where I amtoday, super grateful for where
I am today.
So I want to roll into, youknow, one of my little mini
topics.
(08:34):
And over the past year, I'vebeen seeing a lot of stuff
online right, and you know a lotof stuff online right, and you
know, social media has becomethe best and the worst thing
possible, because you can use itto keep in contact with people
and you can use it to shareinformation and you can also use
(08:54):
it to tear down people.
And over the past year, I'vebeen, I don't know how.
I probably liked the post oneday, I don't know, but I ended
up like like I started seeingthese posts about widows and
grieving and stuff like that andI was like, okay, you know,
like, let me check these out.
(09:14):
And I, you know cause, I waslike they were black women.
So I was like, you know, I can,I can resonate and, you know,
relate to them.
You know, let me check thesepeople out.
I started, you know, I went on acouple of pages and then you
know, like, one page leads toanother page and the suggestions
, and I was like, ok, cool, sothere is actually a network out
(09:39):
here of black women who sharetheir stories upon grief, women
who share their stories upongrief.
And as I started taking adeeper dive into it, I started
to realize that how can I putthis without this sounding nasty
?
Okay, I'm going to call itgrief for pay.
(10:09):
You know not saying that.
So let me explain that.
Grief of pay is we're grieving.
Your life is in shambles andI've been there, I've done that,
I know how to get through it,but I'm going to charge you to
help you get through it.
I don't agree with that becauseit's kind of like, why can we
not lift each other up for free?
You know, like, why is yourproduct helping sad people?
(10:33):
Like why are you charging tohelp sad people?
I'm in the same boat as y'all,you know, respectively, and you
know, even though they're Blackwomen, I personally now not
saying that this is not there.
I personally have not comeacross a Black woman who is a
(10:57):
widow at my age.
Like I said, I'm not sayingthat this has never happened,
not saying that this is not outthere saying that this has never
happened, not saying that it'snot out there, I just haven't
come across it yet.
But most of the ones that I seethey're like late 20s, early
30s, you know, and even in the40s, and it's like why say, are
you sad?
You can't figure it out, sis?
(11:19):
Well, do you need a community?
Why do I got to pay to get tobe in the community?
You know what I'm saying?
We all going through the samething.
Why do I got to pay to be in acommunity?
I don't think that's cool.
My podcast dedicated to blackwomen who are widows, dedicated
to all women who are widows, andguess what?
(11:39):
Y'all can listen for freebecause none of the places you
listen cost money.
Y'all can listen for freebecause none of the places you
listen cost money.
So I'm helping you in a sense,but I'm not charging you to help
you get better, because you'reand it that just doesn't sit
right with it doesn't sit rightwith me, and you know, sitting
in front of a camera, crying,like that doesn't.
(12:01):
Now, these are just my opinions, y'all, so don't come for me.
That just don't sit well withme because, like, how long did
you have to sit there and drumthat up to cry.
And we all know as a society welike it when people are sad and
it's drama filled and differentthings like that.
That's not just me have I hadsome episodes where I have cried
and yeah, and there wasepisodes that I unintentionally
(12:21):
cry.
I can't just sit here and gookay, on the count of three I'm
just gonna bust out.
I'm just gonna bust out cryingand then I'm gonna start talking
and it's gonna be dramatic andthen people are gonna be like
it's okay, keep your's okay,keep your head up.
I can't do that.
I just can't do that.
And I don't knock anybody'sjourney or how they deal or how
(12:43):
they process.
But it do make me question areyou really that sad?
Not saying that in a bad way,but it's kind of like you know
how to keep it and hold ittogether, but when you squeezing
your eyes real hard and youmaking the one tear fall, I
can't take you serious.
Can't take you serious.
Like I said, not knockinganybody's journey, not knocking
(13:06):
anything like that, but just tome it just does not sit well
with me.
I like if I had products like ajournal or something like that,
I understand like, hey, do youneed an outlet to write and, you
know, get those thoughts out.
Absolutely I'm going to charge,but am I going to charge you to
watch me cry on camera andstuff like that?
(13:28):
Absolutely not, not going to dothat.
That, just it just does not sitright with me.
I actually got my stuff.
I actually got my topics today,y'all.
Um, then and now, 21, being awidow, uh, I tried to go back
(13:49):
because when he passed away, Iwas on my uh, myspace and I
tried to go back and look atwhat I had written, but MySpace
has wiped it.
And then, um, I guess my emailswere too old and Gmail got rid
of my emails from him.
Um, no, yahoo got rid of myemails from him.
So I don't know, let me knowwhat y'all like.
(14:11):
Is there somebody I can reachout to to make like maybe those?
Because that's kind of all Igot from him.
You know our emails and stufflike that.
You know I'm going to have tolook into that, but you're 18
then and now.
Then, like I told you previously, I did battle with alcohol for
a little bit, but like I was offthe train, I was out here
(14:32):
riding.
Motorcycles almost crashed afew times.
I was out here ridingmotorcycles, almost crashed a
few times and you know, I wasout here living life on what we
call the edge.
Just just the edge is righthere and I was right here.
I was out here living life onthe edge.
I attempted to go to therapyand I quit going.
(14:53):
And this is why I quit goingfor a long time, because when I
went, dude was like you justsaid yes, sir, I am sad.
I'm sad because I just lost mywhole life partner and that's
all you got to offer for me.
But I should have known that,um, this middle-aged white man
couldn't offer me anycondolences about losing my
black husband.
You know, I'm saying that'sjust what it was.
(15:16):
And I didn't go back to therapyfor a long time.
I was like I can deal with this, I can deal with this, whatever
, whatever.
And you know I couldn't dealwith it.
Okay, I couldn't deal with it.
And you know I was just makingbad choices and bad decisions
and just waking up like, okay,what are we going to do today?
I don't even know what we'regoing do today, like we're just
(15:36):
gonna wake up and be.
I'm just gonna wake up and be amom today and that's all it's
gonna be and that's all Iliterally did for about seven
years.
I just just eight years.
That that's all I did.
I just woke up, without apurpose.
But now and again I had to gothrough my 20s.
(16:01):
And now I'm in my 30s and I'mgetting better and I'm taking
the opportunity to enact andflourish in the things that I
did not.
After it happened, I'm finallystarting to put the pieces
together and, you know, getmyself together, because there
are some areas that, you know, Ifeel like I'm too old to be
(16:23):
trying to start and thriving.
But then I realize that you'renever too old to do anything.
You know, just because itdidn't happen in your 20s, you
know, doesn't mean that it can'thappen for you in your 20s, you
know, doesn't mean that itcan't happen for you.
And so now I'm like, brick bybrick by brick, trying to take
what I've learned over the past18 years and finally make the
(16:44):
foundation and finally start tobuild on the foundation.
And it's still rough sometimes,you know.
There are still days where itdon't make sense.
But you know, I still have myangry days and I'm, like, you
know, like why did you leave me?
You know, like that was selfishof you, like why did you leave
the kids?
Like we got grandkids now, likewhy did you leave?
(17:05):
Like why would you do that?
Like that's so selfish of you.
But then I have to realize he'sgone in the physical, but he
forever.
He's forever our angel, becauseI know I'd be out doing stuff
and he'd be like, oh my god,like girl, and I'd be like I'm
sorry, sorry sir, sorry sir, butI'm finally taking the time and
(17:26):
, um, putting putting ittogether.
I've started to lay thefoundation and you, things are
starting to get good, get better.
You know I'm having tounderstand and I have to.
I'm starting to not griefsabotage.
That's probably not a word, butit's my word.
Grief sabotage, like, and to me, grief sabotage is making
(17:51):
yourself feel sad and you knowbasking and sitting in that
yourself feel sad, and you knowbasking and sitting in that.
You know what I'm saying.
So you know I, over the weekend,I had a day where I ate pizza,
I had two ice cream sandwichesand that's just what it was.
I woke up the next day and Iwas back on my health and you
know, like, eating how Icorrectly eating how I was
(18:12):
supposed to.
There's nothing wrong with that?
Like my friend told me.
She's like there's nothingwrong with that.
Like my friend told me, she'slike there's nothing wrong with
that.
She said you just can't sit inthat.
And that's exactly whathappened.
But while I'm eating pizza andeating ice cream sandwiches,
there go y'all weekly episodey'all.
Even though I'm eating pizzaand I'm eating ice cream
(18:34):
sandwiches, I didn't go fullblown crazy because the whole
day I drunk water.
So you know, I have my days thatI sit in it and I don't let it
carry on.
Whether that be, I have to comein my room or I have to just go
somewhere and I have to dosomething.
I sit in it and I get out of it, because when you sit somewhere
(18:56):
too long, you get complacent,and then complacent doesn't get
you anywhere.
So I had that day.
You know, hey, my creamsandwiches were busting hard.
I ain't gonna lie to you.
I was like that was the cookieones with the ice cream, don't
get me started.
So you know, um, so you know um, there that's.
(19:17):
I sit, I get over, I get overit.
It's so strong I, I workthrough it, I process it and um,
yeah, I, I wake up the next day.
I, you know, refreshed and youknow that's just what it is.
So, y'all know, last year Istarted back there.
Well, I started back with mypsychiatrist real heavy um and
(19:41):
whatnot and um, when I went tosee her last month she gave me
some homework.
She was like um cause I toldher.
I said I've been fumbling andtoying with the idea of opening
his um, his belongings box.
So when a person passes away inthe military they put their um
(20:02):
stuff in these foot lockers andthen they ship it to you.
So I have a foot locker thathas all the letters we ever
wrote, has his personalbelongings and all of that, and
like nobody's allowed to touchit, it's in the garage, it's
sealed up, nobody can touch it,like I.
I have before before thisincident I probably I've been in
(20:28):
my house for seven years.
I probably have not opened thatin six years.
Um, you know, and I want to gothrough it.
And as time goes on I keepstuff and then there's some
stuff that I can let go, likeour letters.
I'll never let go of thoseletters, but there's like okay,
(20:50):
so let me back up.
So my psychiatrist gave mehomework.
She said I think if you'reready, go ahead and open the box
.
And I said okay.
So I was hyping myself up.
I was like, all right, cool,I'm gonna do this box, I'm gonna
do this box.
And I was like, yeah, and I waslike I'm gonna pick a day and
I'm gonna do it.
And then I noticed, when I saidI was gonna pick garage
(21:14):
throwing something away, and Iopened the box, just
unintentionally, unplanned, onwhatever, just opened it, picked
up a letter, read it, closedthe box, came back in the house
and it was nothing.
It was like it was closure,closure.
(21:45):
And I'm trying to figure out why, at year 18, I'm seeking so
much closure.
I don't, I don't understand,you know, but I never questioned
cry, I didn't do anything, Ididn't get sad.
I literally went on about myday.
I came in the house, I textedNick, I said I opened a box, I'm
(22:11):
okay.
And she's like, oh my God, whatshe was like are you okay?
Do you need anything?
Do you need me to come?
And I was like, nope, I'm good,I'm okay.
And it felt so good to say that, like I'm good, I'm okay, like
it felt super duper good to saythat, and I still, I think I got
(22:32):
a little numb.
And then I got.
You know, I got into this thingwhere I was just like, okay, I'm
just going to clean, I'm justgoing to let the day go.
But this is like not yourregular, like you know, let me
make sure to like.
This was like I went into adeep clean tailspin and after it
was all said and done, I hadstill had piles and stuff
because, like, when it wore off,I was just like, okay, wore off
(23:03):
.
I was just like okay, and II've been so at peace with
opening that box, but I don'tknow if I have right now if I'm
able to go back and open it up.
I don't know if I'm ready forthat just yet, but knowing that
I opened it and I didn't have ameltdown, I want to say that's
step one.
She told me.
She said when you come back, Ineed you to tell me that you
opened that box.
I was like, yeah, you asked toomuch right now, but I'm glad I
(23:28):
did it.
I read a letter.
It brought a smile to my faceand it was just like case closed
and it's like well, what am Iseeking closure for?
Like I don't know, I don't getit, but it felt good.
Um, I think it did hit me acouple days later.
(23:50):
I still didn't cry, but it hitme like okay, he's really gone,
he really gone, um, and I don'tknow.
I don't know, I'm okay.
I think I'm shocked that I'mokay, because I expected to open
this box and just be in aturmoil and just be in shambles.
(24:11):
But I'm okay, I'm okay, I'mokay, I'm going to go.
You good, sis, like you're,you're getting better.
And I didn't have to take it.
I didn't in my mind I was goingto turn it into a vlog, like
I'm going to take y'all on thisjourney with me to open this box
(24:34):
for the first time in six years, seven years, and you know,
we're going to see how it goesso that I can look back on it
and see where I came from.
And that didn't happen.
So I think maybe the next timeI do it, I bring y'all along
with me just to do it and to getit and to see it get done.
(24:59):
One of my, like I said, one ofthe reasons why I opened it is,
I wouldn't say letting go of thepast, I just say moving forward
from the past and thenrealizing that material things
yes, they do remind you.
But material things are not thememories, if that makes sense.
(25:21):
If that makes sense, um,because like everything.
So this bear right here, thisbear you can't see his face all
the way um has pins andinsignias on it from when we
both were in the military, um,and this was a bear that was
given to me, um, at his funeralby his best friend, um, and you
(25:49):
know I hold on to stuff likethat.
You know that I'll probablynever get rid of.
If anything, I'll pass it downto the grand babies.
But like, throw it away, like Ican't do.
But I have some stuff that likeballoons, like when I got
balloons, like I have the foilballoons that are deflated, um,
(26:11):
that stuff, I can let that stuffgo because I always I have the
pictures, I always, you know,remember that memory.
I don't have to hold on to thatstuff.
And then I also think you knowthere's going to come a point in
time where I'm going to, youknow I'm going to be moved on
(26:32):
new relationship, marriage orwhatever, and you know I don't
want to make that person feeluncomfortable.
And so I feel like, instead ofwaiting until that day comes
where it's kind of like, okay,I'm married and we're going to
(26:55):
combine households or whatever,like that.
Instead of waiting until thatday and then it becoming so
traumatic, traumatic, I'vealready started, like my next
healing, my next phase of, youknow, getting getting rid of the
stuff.
I mean, it's not, it's not.
(27:16):
I had to realize it's notagainst the law, it's not a
crime, it doesn't make me a badperson.
Um, like some of the stuff Iknow what to keep and I wouldn't
know what not to keep.
Some of the stuff I've hadideas of donating to different
museums and different stuff likethat.
Um, so it's like, throwing itaway is not not the end.
I'll be all.
It doesn't mean I'm a badperson, it doesn't mean that I'm
forgetting or I'm trying toerase him out of my life, you
(27:38):
know.
And I finally had to tell myselfthat, like, cut it out.
Tell myself that, like, cut itout, cut the shit out.
You, you fine girl like you,you, you, uh, grief, sabotaging,
let like, let it go, sis.
Um, people always ask me wouldI get married again?
And the answer is yes, I would.
Um, but in the same sense, I'mgonna make sure that it is right
(28:04):
and I actually can't wait tothe day that I become somebody's
wife again, because I'm goingto get a very healed version of
me.
So, yeah, so I'm going to getmarried one day and I hate that
y'all be like it's been so longand you still ain't married yet.
And then I'll be like it's beenso long and you've been married
(28:26):
and divorced how many times.
Like, don't come for me Like, Ido things on my time.
I know when the time is right,because I want to make sure that
I'm good for somebody.
I want to make sure that I amnot a train wreck and I don't
trauma dump and I don't projectmy feelings of hurt and betrayal
from my husband dying onsomebody.
(28:47):
Okay, like, let me do this.
I got this, I got this.
Okay, don't worry about whowill change my last name and
when they're going to do it.
It'll get changed.
Just know it will.
Okay, that's all you need toknow.
You need to know who, when,what, how and why.
Okay, I'm going to.
(29:07):
You need to know.
You need to know who, when,what, how and why.
Okay, I'm gonna get marriedagain.
I'm just doing this.
This.
Charlotte's timing okay, it'sgod's timing, but charlotte and
god time okay, it's all you needto worry about.
And um, so, yeah, so, let,that's.
That's, that's the end of that.
You know, um, we, we've, we'vecome to you know what?
In last year's episode I cried.
(29:29):
I've gone through the entireepisode and I did not cry.
Yay.
So we're going to go ahead andwrap this thing up with our song
lyric of the week, and thisweek the song lyric of the week
is Yesterday, by Leona Lewis.
Such a great song.
(29:50):
She opens the song by sayingstill can't believe that you're
gone and I still can't believethat you're gone, but you know,
it's an eternal, forever love.
Like Lauren London say, griefis the final act of love.
So yeah, leona Lewis, yesterdayis the song lyric of the week.
(30:10):
If you have not already, pleasemake sure you are following us
on the socials, at thegaggastpod, on Instagram, thegaggastpod,
on YouTube, and also make sure,wherever you listen to your
podcast, that you are hitting alittle plus sign in the right
hand corner.
Make sure you are hitting thatso that every time a new episode
(30:31):
is released, you are gettingthat notification and you do not
miss out.
All right, we out of this thing.
Thank you for joining me onanother episode.
I am your girl, charlie Shante.
This is the Gag is Hot.
Bye, guys.
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