Working with Our Shame - René Rivera

How large of a force is shame in shaping the behaviors we see in society and ourselves? 

In this talk, René Rivera gently but powerfully guides us through the terrain of shame, drawing from personal experience, restorative justice work, and Buddhist teachings. He names shame as one of the five primary human emotions and explores how it subtly drives fear, anger, and avoidance.

René relates how shame shows up intensely in work with people who’ve experienced or caused sexual harm and how facing it consciously can lead to healing and growth. He also ties shame to cultural patterns of oppression, suggesting that unexamined shame fuels collective harm, such as the political targeting of marginalized communities.

To help us recognize and transform our own shame, René shares several tools and frameworks:

1. Shame vs. Guilt: Shame is “I am bad,” while guilt is “I did something bad”—guilt can motivate action, while shame tends to immobilize.
2. Compass of Shame (Nathanson):
   • Attack Self: Internal harshness or over-apologizing.
   • Attack Other: Blaming or lashing out.
   • Withdrawal: Avoiding situations that might evoke shame.
   • Avoidance: Distraction or pretending nothing happened.
3. Body Awareness: Shame often shows up in physical sensations like sinking or heat; returning to the body anchors awareness.
4. Reflective Questions (inspired by Byron Katie):
   • Is it true?
   • Can you absolutely know it’s true?
   • How do you react when you believe it?
   • Who would you be without it?
   • Is this mine?
5. “Shame Report” Practice: Sharing shame stories with trusted others to dissolve secrecy and regain perspective.

René encourages us to remember that our shame responses often began as survival strategies. Bringing compassion, curiosity, and community to our experiences allows us to shift from painful self-concepts toward healing and freedom.

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René Rivera is a meditation teacher, restorative justice facilitator, and leader, working and learning in all the spaces in-between race, gender, and other perceived binaries, as a queer, mixed-race, trans man.

René teaches heart-centered, trauma-informed meditation, at the East Bay Meditation Center and other meditation centers. He has co-led the first residential meditation retreats for transgender, nonbinary, and gender-expansive people. René is a restorative justice facilitator for the Ahimsa Collective, working to heal sexual and gender-based violence.

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CREDITS
Audio Engineer: George Hubbard
Producer: Tom Bruein
Music/Logo/Artwork: Derek Lassiter