March 14, 2025 • 19 mins
After finding out his father passed, Noah decides to cut work early and head home. Trying to relax and unwind from the bad news, he is interrupted by an explosive surprise from his brother.
Credits:
Noah- Tim Welch
Kirsten- Samantha Johnson
Gabe- Wren Soryn
Jacob- Ryan Roumpf
Dahlia- Katie Leigh Roumpf
Isaac- Ben Kadaffi
Benny- Ben Kadaffi
Music:
WEARETHEGOOD, Lynnea-Outrun
The Ghosts of Liberty- Roanoke River
Duncan Spencer- Satisfaction
Audio recorded by Matt Kuhl
Sound Solution Editing
Soundsolutionediting@gmail.com
Dialogue editing, sound design and foley done by Ben Kadaffi
Written and Directed by Ben Kadaffi
For The Gentle Art of Making Enemies merchandise go to www.whosaysproductions.com/store
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Fuck, fuck.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
You alright, Noah.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
My dad just died.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Yeah, they told me before I came to get you.
How did he end up passing?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
An aneurysm, I guess.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Noah, if you want to go home for the day, you are
more than welcome.
I can get Benny to rub his twobrain cells together and cover
the rest of the shift, noah.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Dude, I think I'd much rather just finish out my
shift, if that's alright.
Don't think going home would bethe best thing right now.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Are you sure you only have a couple things to put
away and inventory can wait.
I'm not gonna have Benny do it,I'm sure.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I just I appreciate the offer, man.
It's the worst thing for meright now it would be to go home
and wallow in my own self-pity.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Whatever you want, just know the offer still stands
.
And I know it's probably notthe time, but if you need to
talk, dude, I'm here.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
I appreciate it, Jacob.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Seriously not a problem.
You owe me a new fucking officephone, though Shit dude, I'm so
sorry.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Phone though.
Oh shit, dude, I'm so sorry,jacob, I'm already tense and
this just made me fly right offthe handle, dude.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Hey, I get it, I'm just fucking with you.
Anyways, I have an extra in theparts room.
Now go and make sure Bennyhasn't set the place on fire,
please.
All right, man.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Are you still sweeping?
God damn it.
Speaker 4 (02:05):
Benny.
Well, yeah, I had your area inmind.
It's twice the work, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
There's only this pile left.
What the?
Speaker 4 (02:14):
hell have you been doing?
I'm sweeping, hey Noah.
Why do they call them spermwhales?
They're kind of dirty if youthink about it.
You know, I saw this TV specialabout sperm whales and they
said they were dinosaurs, butdinosaurs lived on land.
So that can't be true.
It's kinda dirty if you thinkabout it.
I saw this TV special aboutsperm whales and they said they
were dinosaurs, but dinosaurslived on land.
So that can't be true.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Jake, I changed my mind.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
You can outrun the devil, but you ain't gonna
outrun me.
Speaker 5 (02:38):
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and
directed by Ben Kaddafi.
Episode 2 Noah just gotdelivered some soul-crushing
news about his daddy.
Now I may not be the smartestman, but I'd say this would only
add to Noah's frustrationseeing how he deals with
(02:58):
day-to-day stress.
There's a life lesson here, butit just flies right over his
head.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Thanks, jacob.
I owe you one man.
You don't owe me shit.
Just let me know if you needanything else We'll be fine.
Better go make sure Bennydidn't stick his dick in the
electric socket while you wereout.
Fuck, alright, I'm hurryingback.
Give me a call.
Better go make sure Bennydidn't stick his dick in the
electric socket while you wereout.
Ah, fuck.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Alright, I'm hurrying back.
Give me a call.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Oh baby, I'm so sorry .
It's been one hell of abirthday, huh.
Is there anything I can do?
Speaker 3 (03:56):
No, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
No, it's not fine.
Your dad just died.
I can't imagine what you'regoing through.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Well, continuously talking about it isn't helping.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Uh, excuse me, Do you want to check your tone?
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I'm sorry.
I know you're just trying tohelp.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
I get it.
You don't want to talk.
I'll give you a pass on thisone.
Tell you what why don't you gotake a hot shower and I'll get
dinner going?
Speaker 3 (04:26):
I think I'm just going to go grab a beer and head
to the garage for a bit.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
You do you, I'll be right here.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
You'll be waiting in the entryway.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Oh shut it, mister, Don't make me poison your food.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Only if I could be so lucky.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Oh, hey, by the way, you have a bunch of mail.
It looks like you got a packagefrom Isaac.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Fucking wonderful.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Oh, shut up.
I'd be happy that he sent youanything.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Hey, Kirsten.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Yeah, baby.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I love you.
Thank you, quit being a littlebitch and go listen to bad music
(05:23):
in the garage.
Did you miss me?
All right, isaac, let's seewhat weird bullshit you got me
this year.
What?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
the hell is this?
Tampons that son of a bitch.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Here's a card.
How thoughtful you little shit.
Hey, happy birthday, noah.
I know how much you love tooverreact, so I got you
something to help with that.
What's that?
I don't know, I don't know, Idon't know, I don't know I don't
know, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
I birthday, noah.
I know how much you love tooverreact, so I got you
something to help with that.
Open your fountain shaped giftand get ready for a surprise.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
If there is a dildo in this tube, I'm gonna fucking
kill him.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Hey, did you hear what the fuck happened to you?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Looks like a stripper , farted on you.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I'm gonna fucking kill Isaac.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
That's why I'm here.
Oh, has he called you yet?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Nope, and he's definitely gonna get a fucking
phone call from me, though.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
Happy birthday, fuckface.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Dude, what the fuck I take it?
You got my present.
Dude, I'm gonna kill you,figured you'd like it.
Isaac, I swear to God.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
Oh, shut up.
You sent me a box of human shiton my birthday.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Dude, I have something to tell you, Isaac.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
I swear to God, dude, I have something to tell you,
isaac.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
Isaac.
Speaker 4 (07:23):
For the love of God.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Dad's fucking dead.
I found out a couple hours ago.
Dad passed away this morning.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
How Aneurysm, they said he collapsed in the yard.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Holy shit.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to the mortuary tomorrow to
find out when the service is.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
Keep me posted.
Man, what mortuary.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
John A Gentleman.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
How are you doing?
Are you all right?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
I will be.
I'm still trying to process allthis and now, thanks to you, I
look like a stripper, farted onme.
Don't you be taking my?
Speaker 4 (08:03):
lines.
Well, it's time to get aglitter bomb.
Happy birthday, I guess.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Yeah, whoopty, fucking fuck.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Dude, I love you like a sister,little brother.
Okay, asshole, I'll call youtomorrow.
I love you like a sister,little brother.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Okay, asshole, I'll call you tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Sounds good man, so how'd he take it Like he didn't
have a glitter bomb go off inhis face.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Well, please clean yourself up before you come back
in.
That shit is a pain in the assto clean and I don't want it all
over the house.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
That little prick.
I'm gonna throw him in Dad'scasket for this one.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
What that little prick?
I'm gonna throw him in Dad'scasket for this one.
What the fuck just happened,jesus Christ.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
I got it to light, but this lighter's on its last
legs.
What's wrong?
Oh my god, are you gonna throwup?
Please don't tell me you'regonna throw up.
I don't want to have to babysitthe drunk guy.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
My dad just died.
What, oh my god.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
Thank you.
Did you just throw a wholejoint on the ground and stomp it
out?
Yeah, I did.
Is there anything I can do?
God, I don't know.
I think I'm just still in shock.
I get it.
(09:45):
I don't know how I'd take thatnews either.
God, it's just so wild.
I talked to him yesterday.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
I will totally have sympathy sex with you if you
want.
Hey Answer your phone from timeto time.
Dick milk Delivery for ya.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
I shut off my fucking phone.
I think Isaac made someCraigslist ad with my number on
it.
I keep getting calls for somefucking fruit cup bondage
marathons, whatever the fuckthat means.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
What Fucking gross dude.
I was gonna call your wife toget a hold of you, but it seems
like you need to call Jesus.
Shut up.
Is this dad's truck?
Sure the hell is.
It's amazing.
The thing still runs the way itdoes.
I finished his tune-up thenight before he passed so I
couldn't give it back.
Man, this little shitbox justneeded a tune-up.
That's surprising.
(10:42):
What's surprising?
It has 400,000 miles on it.
How long has he had it?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Since I was a kid.
But damn, he did so much workon it over the years.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
I think that was when I just met you guys.
Yep, you had just moved downthe street from us.
I seem to recall your dad namedthe truck, didn't he?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
have a name for it, loretta.
He could never fix this goddamnlock, though you couldn't
either.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
could you Honestly forgot about it?
It broke a couple months afterhe bought it, though, didn't it?
I vaguely remember that fromwhen we were kids.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Isaac and his dumbass friends broke it playing cops
and robbers.
Speaker 6 (11:26):
You know, I actually do remember that.
Little dickhead tried blamingme for it, and I was at the lake
with mom that day I could hearIsaac screaming down the street
Shit, that was hilarious,fucking banshee cry the kid
could shatter glass.
Little shit blamed everythingon me, yeah, but he got busted
that time.
Speaking of which, how did he?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
take the news.
He barely said a fucking word.
Really, yeah, really.
Speaker 6 (11:52):
Wow, sorry to hear that man.
You're a good friend, gabe,thank you.
Thank you for grabbing thisDude don't worry about it.
Tom was basically my dad too.
I mean, maya and I were at yourhouse almost every single day.
I mean, your mom even had aplace at the table for us.
I was even a pallbearer at herfuneral too.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
And I appreciate that , brother, I really do.
Speaking of which, do you havetime to come to the?
Speaker 6 (12:17):
mortuary with me.
I got you covered there too.
Your wife called me thismorning, since you're too busy
having phone sex.
Everything is covered, I guess.
What Cost of the casket funeral?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
everything how he lost his fucking life insurance
when the meat-pegging plantclosed.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
You got me.
They said it was an anonymousparty, so maybe somebody higher
up in the plant felt obligated,who knows?
The good news is everything'spaid for.
So we just need to organizeeverybody.
You down to carry the oldbastard's casket.
You know it, I can get my dadtoo.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
I don't even want to call him, but I'll let Isaac
know that fucker sent me agoddamn glitter bomb yesterday
and I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 6 (12:58):
Gotta admit it is pretty good timing.
Terrible timing.
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, your dad just died.
Happy birthday.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I just found out my dad died.
I didn't think I'd end uplooking like some fucking
stripper farted on me.
Speaker 6 (13:12):
Well, I laughed.
I will be when I fucking hurthim.
Take me back to work before youcall him.
I do not want to hear you twobitch back and forth Worse than
a couple of white girls on Cincode Mayo.
I kind of want to break hisnose.
I'm not gonna lie.
Hey, just wait until after thefuneral.
Think about it.
Your wife goes into labor.
Think about it.
Your wife goes into labor,placenta in the pews, me gagging
(13:34):
.
Nobody needs that, especiallyme, please.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Not funny.
Get in Loretta and shut thefuck up.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
I'll drive you back to work?
Do you want me to go ahead andfix that lock when we get back
in the shop?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Nah, it's kind of nostalgic at this point.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Getting possession of his childhood truck, noah
started feeling a little betterabout everything.
Sometimes a man just needs toremember the good times he had
with family and get his mindclear.
Brothers always know how to getunder each other's skin, so for
Noah to slip into a better mood, daddy's truck was just the
right medicine.
God forbid Isaac presses anymore buttons.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
When you finally come out, we are going to teach you
so much about how your mom'sside of the family is nuts.
If you meet a man named Chuck,run far away.
He will fill your head with themost random shit.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Don't swear when you talk to the baby.
How?
Speaker 3 (14:57):
else am I supposed to communicate with him?
I?
Don't know, write it a letteror something Just don't swear at
him when you're laying on mybelly.
Don't listen to her.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I'm going to teach you all the ways to use the word
fuck in a sentence.
I mean it.
Get your head off my belly ifyou're going to talk like that.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Shit fuck camel toe ass donkey cunt.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Ow, I warned you Knock it off.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
You try to assault me with that book again.
I'm going to plant Isaac'scocaine on you and I will call
the sheriff.
What are you reading anyway?
Speaker 1 (15:27):
The Butcher of Bronson Street.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Sounds like a Sweeney Todd ripoff.
Is the author RL Stine?
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Oh for fuck, Damn it.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Oh, not so easy, is it?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Shut up and let me read.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Now's probably a good time to tell you your mother is
illiterate, so I will probablybe the one to teach you how to
read.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Oh my god, did you call your brother and give him
the details?
Yet Shit Language.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Can you call him?
I can picture him ugly crying,already Suck it up and call
Isaac.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Okay, he deserves the details from his own brother.
Fine.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Hello.
Hey, little brother, I got wordfrom the mortuary today.
Yeah, I guess somebody alreadypaid for the whole thing, so I'm
not gonna need any money fromyou.
Well, that's good it works out,because I know you probably
spent it all on blow anyway.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
Why do you always assume I'm this fucking
degenerate junkie dickhead?
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Well, when you spend all your time posting pictures
of you smoking weed on Instagramthe amount of posts, I know you
don't have a job.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
Great detective work Officer.
Dippy, how do you know about myInstagram?
Anyway, you use a flip phone.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Kirsten shows me when you upload your onesie photos.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Quit picking a fight.
Just tell him what he needs toknow.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Sorry, it's alright.
What, no, I'm talking to mywife.
Wake is on Friday, funeral ison Saturday.
Just make sure you're here byThursday.
I'll buy you a suit.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
Why would?
You buy me a suit.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
You're gonna be a pallbearer, so you need to look
sharp.
I can't have you dressed likeyou're high on molly, noah.
Don't argue, isaac, it's afuneral.
We need to match anyway, soI'll get it.
It's fine, noah, I'm not coming.
What I can't?
What do you mean?
You can't?
It's Dad's funeral.
I don't know if I can handleanother parental funeral.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Are you fucking kidding me?
I know you aren't going tounderstand.
I just I feel I would there.
I wouldn't be any help.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
So let me get this straight.
You refuse to go to yourfather's funeral because you're
afraid of how it's going to makeyou feel.
I knew you weren't going tounderstand.
Oh, I understand.
This is the most self-centeredbullshit I think I've ever heard
.
I'll send flowers, Isaac.
I swear to Christ, if you donot come to this, I'm going to
bury you with him.
He fucking hung up the fuckingprick hung up oh shit, here we
(17:52):
go.
Oh, I'm gonna kill him, I'mgonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Remember when the counselor told you to sit and
breathe when you're upset?
I'm not upset, I'm pissed.
Baby, calm down, Sit down andput your arms above your head.
Noah, it's gonna be okay.
You hear me?
(18:16):
There's no need to worry aboutIsaac at the moment.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
We're gonna get through this.
No, that spoiled little shit isnot gonna skip out on his
father's funeral.
Noah, I'm going to go get himFor fuck's sake, noah, he's 700
miles away.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Don't you dare leave this fucking house right now.
Kirsten, I am sorry I have to.
Noah, you asshole.
I don't want you driving pissedoff.
That's why your truck is in theshop in the first place.
Noah, I'll be back in a day orso.
Fuck, they're both.
Fucking ass in the first place.
Noah, I'll be back in a day orso.
Fuck they're both fuckingassholes.
Speaker 5 (18:57):
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies.
Starring Tim Welsh, ben Gaddafi, samantha Johnson, wren Soren,
katie Lee Rumpf, tessa Thompson,alexander Hamilton, ryan Rumpf,
nick Vodica, jason Flynn.
Written and directed by BenGaddafi.
Fuck, fuck.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
You alright, Noah.
Speaker 3 (00:20):
My dad just died.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
Yeah, they told me before I came to get you.
How did he end up passing?
Speaker 3 (00:28):
An aneurysm, I guess.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Noah, if you want to go home for the day, you are
more than welcome.
I can get Benny to rub his twobrain cells together and cover
the rest of the shift, noah.
Speaker 3 (00:43):
Dude, I think I'd much rather just finish out my
shift, if that's alright.
Don't think going home would bethe best thing right now.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Are you sure you only have a couple things to put
away and inventory can wait.
I'm not gonna have Benny do it,I'm sure.
Speaker 3 (00:59):
I just I appreciate the offer, man.
It's the worst thing for meright now it would be to go home
and wallow in my own self-pity.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Whatever you want, just know the offer still stands
.
And I know it's probably notthe time, but if you need to
talk, dude, I'm here.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
I appreciate it, Jacob.
Thank you.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
Seriously not a problem.
You owe me a new fucking officephone, though Shit dude, I'm so
sorry.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
Phone though.
Oh shit, dude, I'm so sorry,jacob, I'm already tense and
this just made me fly right offthe handle, dude.
Speaker 2 (01:30):
Hey, I get it, I'm just fucking with you.
Anyways, I have an extra in theparts room.
Now go and make sure Bennyhasn't set the place on fire,
please.
All right, man.
Speaker 3 (02:02):
Are you still sweeping?
God damn it.
Speaker 4 (02:05):
Benny.
Well, yeah, I had your area inmind.
It's twice the work, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:11):
There's only this pile left.
What the?
Speaker 4 (02:14):
hell have you been doing?
I'm sweeping, hey Noah.
Why do they call them spermwhales?
They're kind of dirty if youthink about it.
You know, I saw this TV specialabout sperm whales and they
said they were dinosaurs, butdinosaurs lived on land.
So that can't be true.
It's kinda dirty if you thinkabout it.
I saw this TV special aboutsperm whales and they said they
were dinosaurs, but dinosaurslived on land.
So that can't be true.
Speaker 3 (02:32):
Jake, I changed my mind.
Speaker 4 (02:34):
You can outrun the devil, but you ain't gonna
outrun me.
Speaker 5 (02:38):
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies, written and
directed by Ben Kaddafi.
Episode 2 Noah just gotdelivered some soul-crushing
news about his daddy.
Now I may not be the smartestman, but I'd say this would only
add to Noah's frustrationseeing how he deals with
(02:58):
day-to-day stress.
There's a life lesson here, butit just flies right over his
head.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Thanks, jacob.
I owe you one man.
You don't owe me shit.
Just let me know if you needanything else We'll be fine.
Better go make sure Bennydidn't stick his dick in the
electric socket while you wereout.
Fuck, alright, I'm hurryingback.
Give me a call.
Better go make sure Bennydidn't stick his dick in the
electric socket while you wereout.
Ah, fuck.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Alright, I'm hurrying back.
Give me a call.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Oh baby, I'm so sorry .
It's been one hell of abirthday, huh.
Is there anything I can do?
Speaker 3 (03:56):
No, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
No, it's not fine.
Your dad just died.
I can't imagine what you'regoing through.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Well, continuously talking about it isn't helping.
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Uh, excuse me, Do you want to check your tone?
Speaker 3 (04:12):
I'm sorry.
I know you're just trying tohelp.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
I get it.
You don't want to talk.
I'll give you a pass on thisone.
Tell you what why don't you gotake a hot shower and I'll get
dinner going?
Speaker 3 (04:26):
I think I'm just going to go grab a beer and head
to the garage for a bit.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
You do you, I'll be right here.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
You'll be waiting in the entryway.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Oh shut it, mister, Don't make me poison your food.
Speaker 3 (04:37):
Only if I could be so lucky.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
Oh, hey, by the way, you have a bunch of mail.
It looks like you got a packagefrom Isaac.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Fucking wonderful.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Oh, shut up.
I'd be happy that he sent youanything.
Speaker 3 (04:53):
Hey, Kirsten.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Yeah, baby.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
I love you.
Thank you, quit being a littlebitch and go listen to bad music
(05:23):
in the garage.
Did you miss me?
All right, isaac, let's seewhat weird bullshit you got me
this year.
What?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
the hell is this?
Tampons that son of a bitch.
Speaker 3 (05:43):
Here's a card.
How thoughtful you little shit.
Hey, happy birthday, noah.
I know how much you love tooverreact, so I got you
something to help with that.
What's that?
I don't know, I don't know, Idon't know, I don't know I don't
know, I don't know.
Speaker 4 (05:55):
I birthday, noah.
I know how much you love tooverreact, so I got you
something to help with that.
Open your fountain shaped giftand get ready for a surprise.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
If there is a dildo in this tube, I'm gonna fucking
kill him.
Speaker 1 (06:32):
Hey, did you hear what the fuck happened to you?
Speaker 3 (06:36):
I'm still trying to figure that out.
Speaker 1 (06:38):
Looks like a stripper , farted on you.
Speaker 3 (06:41):
I'm gonna fucking kill Isaac.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
That's why I'm here.
Oh, has he called you yet?
Speaker 3 (06:45):
Nope, and he's definitely gonna get a fucking
phone call from me, though.
Speaker 4 (07:06):
Happy birthday, fuckface.
Speaker 3 (07:07):
Dude, what the fuck I take it?
You got my present.
Dude, I'm gonna kill you,figured you'd like it.
Isaac, I swear to God.
Speaker 4 (07:15):
Oh, shut up.
You sent me a box of human shiton my birthday.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Dude, I have something to tell you, Isaac.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
I swear to God, dude, I have something to tell you,
isaac.
Speaker 3 (07:23):
Isaac.
Speaker 4 (07:23):
For the love of God.
Speaker 3 (07:29):
Dad's fucking dead.
I found out a couple hours ago.
Dad passed away this morning.
Speaker 4 (07:37):
Oh, my God.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
How Aneurysm, they said he collapsed in the yard.
Speaker 4 (07:42):
Holy shit.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Yeah, I'm gonna go talk to the mortuary tomorrow to
find out when the service is.
Speaker 4 (07:48):
Keep me posted.
Man, what mortuary.
Speaker 3 (07:51):
John A Gentleman.
Speaker 4 (07:52):
How are you doing?
Are you all right?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
I will be.
I'm still trying to process allthis and now, thanks to you, I
look like a stripper, farted onme.
Don't you be taking my?
Speaker 4 (08:03):
lines.
Well, it's time to get aglitter bomb.
Happy birthday, I guess.
Speaker 3 (08:06):
Yeah, whoopty, fucking fuck.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Dude, I love you like a sister,little brother.
Okay, asshole, I'll call youtomorrow.
I love you like a sister,little brother.
Speaker 4 (08:15):
Okay, asshole, I'll call you tomorrow.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
Sounds good man, so how'd he take it Like he didn't
have a glitter bomb go off inhis face.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Well, please clean yourself up before you come back
in.
That shit is a pain in the assto clean and I don't want it all
over the house.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
That little prick.
I'm gonna throw him in Dad'scasket for this one.
Speaker 2 (08:39):
What that little prick?
I'm gonna throw him in Dad'scasket for this one.
What the fuck just happened,jesus Christ.
Speaker 4 (09:01):
I got it to light, but this lighter's on its last
legs.
What's wrong?
Oh my god, are you gonna throwup?
Please don't tell me you'regonna throw up.
I don't want to have to babysitthe drunk guy.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
My dad just died.
What, oh my god.
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
Thank you.
Did you just throw a wholejoint on the ground and stomp it
out?
Yeah, I did.
Is there anything I can do?
God, I don't know.
I think I'm just still in shock.
I get it.
(09:45):
I don't know how I'd take thatnews either.
God, it's just so wild.
I talked to him yesterday.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
I will totally have sympathy sex with you if you
want.
Hey Answer your phone from timeto time.
Dick milk Delivery for ya.
Speaker 3 (10:09):
I shut off my fucking phone.
I think Isaac made someCraigslist ad with my number on
it.
I keep getting calls for somefucking fruit cup bondage
marathons, whatever the fuckthat means.
Speaker 6 (10:22):
What Fucking gross dude.
I was gonna call your wife toget a hold of you, but it seems
like you need to call Jesus.
Shut up.
Is this dad's truck?
Sure the hell is.
It's amazing.
The thing still runs the way itdoes.
I finished his tune-up thenight before he passed so I
couldn't give it back.
Man, this little shitbox justneeded a tune-up.
That's surprising.
(10:42):
What's surprising?
It has 400,000 miles on it.
How long has he had it?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Since I was a kid.
But damn, he did so much workon it over the years.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
I think that was when I just met you guys.
Yep, you had just moved downthe street from us.
I seem to recall your dad namedthe truck, didn't he?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
have a name for it, loretta.
He could never fix this goddamnlock, though you couldn't
either.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
could you Honestly forgot about it?
It broke a couple months afterhe bought it, though, didn't it?
I vaguely remember that fromwhen we were kids.
Speaker 3 (11:23):
Isaac and his dumbass friends broke it playing cops
and robbers.
Speaker 6 (11:26):
You know, I actually do remember that.
Little dickhead tried blamingme for it, and I was at the lake
with mom that day I could hearIsaac screaming down the street
Shit, that was hilarious,fucking banshee cry the kid
could shatter glass.
Little shit blamed everythingon me, yeah, but he got busted
that time.
Speaking of which, how did he?
Speaker 3 (11:47):
take the news.
He barely said a fucking word.
Really, yeah, really.
Speaker 6 (11:52):
Wow, sorry to hear that man.
You're a good friend, gabe,thank you.
Thank you for grabbing thisDude don't worry about it.
Tom was basically my dad too.
I mean, maya and I were at yourhouse almost every single day.
I mean, your mom even had aplace at the table for us.
I was even a pallbearer at herfuneral too.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
And I appreciate that , brother, I really do.
Speaking of which, do you havetime to come to the?
Speaker 6 (12:17):
mortuary with me.
I got you covered there too.
Your wife called me thismorning, since you're too busy
having phone sex.
Everything is covered, I guess.
What Cost of the casket funeral?
Speaker 3 (12:26):
everything how he lost his fucking life insurance
when the meat-pegging plantclosed.
Speaker 6 (12:32):
You got me.
They said it was an anonymousparty, so maybe somebody higher
up in the plant felt obligated,who knows?
The good news is everything'spaid for.
So we just need to organizeeverybody.
You down to carry the oldbastard's casket.
You know it, I can get my dadtoo.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
I don't even want to call him, but I'll let Isaac
know that fucker sent me agoddamn glitter bomb yesterday
and I'm fucking pissed.
Speaker 6 (12:58):
Gotta admit it is pretty good timing.
Terrible timing.
Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, your dad just died.
Happy birthday.
Speaker 3 (13:06):
I just found out my dad died.
I didn't think I'd end uplooking like some fucking
stripper farted on me.
Speaker 6 (13:12):
Well, I laughed.
I will be when I fucking hurthim.
Take me back to work before youcall him.
I do not want to hear you twobitch back and forth Worse than
a couple of white girls on Cincode Mayo.
I kind of want to break hisnose.
I'm not gonna lie.
Hey, just wait until after thefuneral.
Think about it.
Your wife goes into labor.
Think about it.
Your wife goes into labor,placenta in the pews, me gagging
(13:34):
.
Nobody needs that, especiallyme, please.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
Not funny.
Get in Loretta and shut thefuck up.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
I'll drive you back to work?
Do you want me to go ahead andfix that lock when we get back
in the shop?
Speaker 3 (13:52):
Nah, it's kind of nostalgic at this point.
Speaker 5 (14:21):
Getting possession of his childhood truck, noah
started feeling a little betterabout everything.
Sometimes a man just needs toremember the good times he had
with family and get his mindclear.
Brothers always know how to getunder each other's skin, so for
Noah to slip into a better mood, daddy's truck was just the
right medicine.
God forbid Isaac presses anymore buttons.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
When you finally come out, we are going to teach you
so much about how your mom'sside of the family is nuts.
If you meet a man named Chuck,run far away.
He will fill your head with themost random shit.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Don't swear when you talk to the baby.
How?
Speaker 3 (14:57):
else am I supposed to communicate with him?
I?
Don't know, write it a letteror something Just don't swear at
him when you're laying on mybelly.
Don't listen to her.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
I'm going to teach you all the ways to use the word
fuck in a sentence.
I mean it.
Get your head off my belly ifyou're going to talk like that.
Speaker 3 (15:12):
Shit fuck camel toe ass donkey cunt.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Ow, I warned you Knock it off.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
You try to assault me with that book again.
I'm going to plant Isaac'scocaine on you and I will call
the sheriff.
What are you reading anyway?
Speaker 1 (15:27):
The Butcher of Bronson Street.
Speaker 3 (15:29):
Sounds like a Sweeney Todd ripoff.
Is the author RL Stine?
Speaker 1 (15:34):
Oh for fuck, Damn it.
Speaker 3 (15:36):
Oh, not so easy, is it?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Shut up and let me read.
Speaker 3 (15:43):
Now's probably a good time to tell you your mother is
illiterate, so I will probablybe the one to teach you how to
read.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Oh my god, did you call your brother and give him
the details?
Yet Shit Language.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Can you call him?
I can picture him ugly crying,already Suck it up and call
Isaac.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Okay, he deserves the details from his own brother.
Fine.
Speaker 3 (16:18):
Hello.
Hey, little brother, I got wordfrom the mortuary today.
Yeah, I guess somebody alreadypaid for the whole thing, so I'm
not gonna need any money fromyou.
Well, that's good it works out,because I know you probably
spent it all on blow anyway.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
Why do you always assume I'm this fucking
degenerate junkie dickhead?
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Well, when you spend all your time posting pictures
of you smoking weed on Instagramthe amount of posts, I know you
don't have a job.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
Great detective work Officer.
Dippy, how do you know about myInstagram?
Anyway, you use a flip phone.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Kirsten shows me when you upload your onesie photos.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
Quit picking a fight.
Just tell him what he needs toknow.
Speaker 3 (16:51):
Sorry, it's alright.
What, no, I'm talking to mywife.
Wake is on Friday, funeral ison Saturday.
Just make sure you're here byThursday.
I'll buy you a suit.
Speaker 4 (17:03):
Why would?
You buy me a suit.
Speaker 3 (17:06):
You're gonna be a pallbearer, so you need to look
sharp.
I can't have you dressed likeyou're high on molly, noah.
Don't argue, isaac, it's afuneral.
We need to match anyway, soI'll get it.
It's fine, noah, I'm not coming.
What I can't?
What do you mean?
You can't?
It's Dad's funeral.
I don't know if I can handleanother parental funeral.
Speaker 4 (17:25):
Are you fucking kidding me?
I know you aren't going tounderstand.
I just I feel I would there.
I wouldn't be any help.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
So let me get this straight.
You refuse to go to yourfather's funeral because you're
afraid of how it's going to makeyou feel.
I knew you weren't going tounderstand.
Oh, I understand.
This is the most self-centeredbullshit I think I've ever heard
.
I'll send flowers, Isaac.
I swear to Christ, if you donot come to this, I'm going to
bury you with him.
He fucking hung up the fuckingprick hung up oh shit, here we
(17:52):
go.
Oh, I'm gonna kill him, I'mgonna fucking kill him.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Remember when the counselor told you to sit and
breathe when you're upset?
I'm not upset, I'm pissed.
Baby, calm down, Sit down andput your arms above your head.
Noah, it's gonna be okay.
You hear me?
(18:16):
There's no need to worry aboutIsaac at the moment.
Speaker 3 (18:20):
We're gonna get through this.
No, that spoiled little shit isnot gonna skip out on his
father's funeral.
Noah, I'm going to go get himFor fuck's sake, noah, he's 700
miles away.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Don't you dare leave this fucking house right now.
Kirsten, I am sorry I have to.
Noah, you asshole.
I don't want you driving pissedoff.
That's why your truck is in theshop in the first place.
Noah, I'll be back in a day orso.
Fuck, they're both.
Fucking ass in the first place.
Noah, I'll be back in a day orso.
Fuck they're both fuckingassholes.
Speaker 5 (18:57):
The Gentle Art of Making Enemies.
Starring Tim Welsh, ben Gaddafi, samantha Johnson, wren Soren,
katie Lee Rumpf, tessa Thompson,alexander Hamilton, ryan Rumpf,
nick Vodica, jason Flynn.
Written and directed by BenGaddafi.
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