February 13, 2024 • 45 mins
In this episode, Nick Adams shares his insights on fatherhood and his book "Being the Dad You Wish You Had: Five Big Stones for Effective Fatherhood". We discuss the importance of creating a legacy of love, strength, and guidance for our children. We also talk about the significance of being present for our kids and focusing on the 'big rocks' to help them grow into the best versions of themselves. Join us for an episode that promises to provide you with the strategy, empathy, and intention necessary to navigate the most important role you'll ever play.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to the gentlemen project podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm Corey Moore and I'm Kirk Chug.
Today we're privileged to haveNick Adams join us on the
podcast.
He's joining us remotely fromnortheast Tennessee.
I'm going to enjoy listening tohis accent for the next about
45 minutes.
Love the way he talks.
Nick is a new author and he'swritten a book called being the
(00:22):
Dad you Wish you had Five BigStones for Effective Fatherhood.
He's doing research for futurebooks.
He's done a lot of things inhis life that we're going to let
him kind of talk about, butyouth camp founder, director,
pastor, business owner,commercial residential landlord
and he's a dad of four, two boys, two girls.
He's done some fostering, someadoption in his parenting
(00:45):
journey.
He's married and has adult kidsand still kids at home.
This is going to be a greatconversation today that we're
really excited for.
He's super active and he'ssuper educated.
So, Nick, welcome to thepodcast this morning and thanks
for joining us, man.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm looking forward to theconversation, getting to know
some of your all experiences andjust to be a part of your
family.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, nick joined us because he sent an email.
I guess he found us.
So thank you, listeners, fordropping a rating and a review
so that people like Nick canfind us on Apple podcast or
wherever you get your podcasts.
So thanks for doing that sothat Nick could find us.
I'm really looking forward tothis.
Nick, give us a little bit of abackground about your
(01:34):
professional and your privatelife.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Well, as I was hearing you kind of hit some of
the high points, it made merealize how probably ADHD I am.
It's like, wow, I am all overthe map, I'm going every which
direction, but I really haven'thad a lot of interesting
experiences and opportunities.
And as I've matured and kind oflooking back on life as kind of
(02:01):
the stage that I'm in now, I'mthinking what do I wish I had
known or what have I gained orgleaned through the years that I
could pass on to others?
It's kind of the stage I'm innow where I'm starting to go.
Okay, I want to write some andto start a new speaking career
(02:23):
that I'm launching into and justreally kind of enjoying a new
phase of life.
But, as you said, I've ownedmultiple businesses and started
a couple of nonprofits and kindof led them.
One was to take care of orphansin Rwanda and we raised funds
(02:44):
and supported children and gotthem through their education.
The other is a youth camp thatI do here in northeast Tennessee
.
I'm still doing that.
And then, like I say, I'vepurchased properties and rent
them and just had my hands on alot of different things, and so
(03:05):
part of what I've seen is justby working with lots of
different people in a whole lotof different environments, I've
seen some of the things that Ithink are really valuable for
men to be able to get theirhands around, and so that's this
kind of new stage is trying toshare some of those ideas.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
So tell us a little bit more about what led to the
book and maybe we can get intowhat was it the five big rocks.
I can't remember the exacttitle.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Yep, it's being the dad you wish you had the five
big stones for effectivefatherhood.
Yeah, quite a great.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
I'm already on the edge of my seat ready to hear
about it.
So tell us about the book.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Yeah well, the book really is birthed out of some of
the things I was just sayingjust spending time with men in a
whole lot of differentenvironments and realizing a lot
of the needs that they have.
And for me, one of the thingsthat I think is really important
is that you have to be able toget into the book.
And for me, one of the thingsthat I was doing was working in
(04:10):
the construction industry, on aconstruction business and that,
and in the camp I just saw youngmen especially that didn't have
a clue, and I often foundmyself saying to the other
people on the team like he's areally talented person, he's got
(04:33):
a lot of ability, it's justthat he was raised by wolves.
Like he has no idea how to be aperson.
Like he's got some, he's gotsome skill, but he can't be a
person.
He doesn't know how to livelife.
And and I kind of had thatexperience and of course, I've
done some counseling with, withfamilies and and in a lot of
(04:55):
settings I've just thought, wow,there's just some big pieces
that are missing.
And so one night around thedinner table we were doing
conversation starters and my sonread this conversation starter
and the question basically wasif you could change one thing in
(05:15):
the world, what would it be?
And with, I mean just withlightning bolt clarity, I knew
the one thing I would change isI would create effective fathers
, because I feel like if you hadeffective fathers in our world,
you would change the world.
That by by creating anenvironment where fathers could
(05:39):
really be effective, thatimmediately we would see local,
national, internationaltransformation.
And so from that moment Irealized that that was a book
that I was going to write, wassomething to try to make a
difference in fatherhood, and sothat's how the book started.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
That's a pretty cool backstory.
I mean, if you look at themission and the vision of the
gentlemen project, it's the sameas to influence Men at home so
that their influence ripplesthrough communities and
environments that they interactwith, and so we're right on
board with you there, nick.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
Right, that's.
I really thought we had a lotof similarities in what we're
trying to accomplish.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
So when did the book come out?
Speaker 3 (06:28):
The book came out in I'm trying to think October.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Oh, just barely so.
You're a couple months out.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, we're just, we're just out of the gate.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
OK, so we're talking about the book.
We're going to let everybodyknow what the book's about
during the podcast today.
Maybe we can touch on a few ofthe the tenants or the pillars
that you touch on in the booktoday.
Where do people go find thisbook and how do they order it?
What's the best way to get intheir hands?
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Sure, the easiest way is to go to Amazon.
You can search Amazon.
It's available as a paperbackand for digital purchase.
It is going to be an audio thatwill probably be two or three
months down the road and it'llalso at some point be available
as a hardback, but right nowit's paperback and digital and
(07:15):
it is on Amazon.
You can just search.
Being the dad you wish you had.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
So that's awesome.
Thank you, Tell us about thetitle.
Do you have some personalexperience in like?
What was your dad like and whatwas your upbringing like?
What was your experience withfatherhood on the other side of
it?
Speaker 3 (07:36):
Yeah, it's interesting.
I was listening to one of yourold podcasts recently and the
gentleman I laughed to myselfand thought, well, the story I
have to tell could not be anymore different than that.
Because his story was basically, you know, everything was great
and he lived in Virginia on acompound of some sort, anyway,
(08:03):
and that his parents were themost influential people in his
life and his grandparents andhad mentored him and kind of.
My story with my dad is when Ibecame a father.
One of the things thatterrified me is I knew I didn't
know how to be a dad and I heardpeople talking about oh, you
(08:26):
know, my dad gave me this thing.
He said all the time, or thisprinciple or this value.
I had nothing I mean nothing Inthe book.
I tell the story that the onlything I ever remember my father
telling me that was like here iswe're sitting down here's
(08:47):
intentional me mentoring, givingyou here's how it is to be a
man, you know, and said thething he had to say to me was I
don't ever want you to fight,but if you have to fight, make
sure you throw the first punchand don't stop hitting until
it's over.
That was it.
(09:08):
That is all the life wisdom Igot from my father.
You know that was intentional.
Now, that's the whole.
That's a whole lot of whatcomes out of the book is.
You know, I'm trying toencourage men that you may not
have had a great background witha father, or maybe you do.
It really doesn't matter.
Maybe your father was prettymuch perfect.
(09:30):
You still have to figure outhow you're going to be the dad
that you you know that you wantyour kids to have experienced.
So, but the thing that isamazing to me is, as I look back
over life, although my fatherdidn't give me those principles
and didn't like say here's thevalues, what really did happen
(09:52):
is he impacted my life and heleft a mark that it's still.
You know, it's not going away.
Here we are, I'm 60 and thisman has imprinted on me some of
it really good, some of itpretty terrible, and yet he has
(10:13):
made an impact in my life.
And so one of the things I'mtrying to say in this book to
fathers is you've got way morepower than you know.
You've got way more influencethan you know.
You've got way more ability toimpact the longevity of what
happens in your kids lives thanyou're probably aware of and you
(10:35):
know it's not rocket science,like really and truly.
My dad left a lot of reallygood things in my life and he
never tried, like he didn't evenknow it, but I still blamed
really important life lessons.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
What were some of those that happened on accident?
Maybe he was less purposefulthan you'd hoped, but maybe he
did imprint a few things.
And sometimes you learn like.
I had this conversation with mywife this week and I said how
did that kid come out of thatenvironment?
Because I knew the environmenthe grew up in and he had turned
(11:17):
out to be like this young man.
That was like, wow, that's thetype of kid that I want my
daughter to date.
And how did he come out of thatenvironment?
Narrowed it down to he had sucha bad example that perhaps he
just learned what not to do overand over and over.
And now that he's got controlof his life and the direction of
(11:39):
everything that he's decidedthat that is not the way I'm
going.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
I think there's absolute truth to that.
I think there's a whole lot ofability to learn things kind of
in reverse.
It's not nobody's teaching you,you're learning what you don't
want to have happen.
In my situation.
My father was a very simple man.
On one hand, I would say thathe had a simple perspective of
(12:08):
life.
He didn't have a high schooleducation.
He was a farmer, which inNortheast Tennessee means that
you're just dirt poor because wedon't do it.
This is not a big farming.
I'm like we farm, you know whatI'm saying but there's not big
states where we're doing farmingand making lots of money.
(12:29):
At the event, for a long timehe did tobacco.
When I was young he raisedtobacco.
But one of the things thathappened with my dad is,
although he wasn't educated, hewas very simple.
He had very simple expectationsout of life.
(12:50):
He was a philosopher.
He really thought about life.
He had a lot of veryinteresting insights.
That all.
Especially as I got older andwas going to college and getting
degrees, I'd sit and talk todad and think he's probably got
a better handle on life in a lotof ways than some of my
(13:12):
professors.
Then, on the other hand, mydad's life was extremely
dysfunctional.
My mom and dad's marriage endedwhen I was about 12.
I start the book with the story.
It ended with my dad, drunkwith a gun, threatening to kill
(13:33):
my mom and I.
We were kind of put in a backof a car and I laid in the
floorboard and they drove us outof the city and we hid for a
period of time.
He was a very angry man, hadlots of anger issues that were
(13:53):
never resolved.
In the middle of that, he wasalso a really giving person.
One of the things that I learnedfrom my father is just being
generous, because although hedidn't make much, he never had
(14:14):
anything.
There was never a time that wewould pass the Salvation Army
buckets or that we'd pass aperson on the side of the road
trying to get money fromsomebody, or there was a need
among some of his friends andthey were passing the bucket
around to collect money.
All of those environments Iwould see him give it really
(14:38):
impacted me especially.
One day he was a big bowler.
We were at the bowling alleyand they were taking up a
collection for somebody who Idon't even.
I can't remember what the issuewas, but they needed money.
Dad threw in a hundred dollarbill, which this was in the 70s
(14:59):
and I'm telling you, my fatherwas dirt poor.
I gasped, probably because hewas like, oh my god, but he was
generous.
That's one of the things that Ifind imprinted in my life is I
have a desire to be generous andto help others.
(15:20):
My dad, as I said earlier, wasa very simple person, although
we have very different lives.
We're six hours from the ocean.
My father never saw the oceanin his lifetime.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I've been to six of the seven continents.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
We have very different experiences and yet I
value simplicity that Iexperienced with him and saw in
his life.
Although I have a lot morethings than he ever had, things
aren't really that important tome.
I've got him because it justworked out that way, but it
(16:12):
really is not the focus of mylife.
Helping people, being a part ofpeople's lives, making a
difference in our world thosethings are much more important
to me.
I know that that came from myfather's influence.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I think this is an important topic that we're
hitting here and I think, forparents who are listening and
certainly for kids who arelistening, I think a good
conversation to have with yourkids is hey, here's some things
that I think I've done prettygood at teaching you or that I'd
like to teach you, you know,and being purposeful, and here's
some things I'm not very goodat.
(16:48):
And guess what kids you don'thave to be like me.
You can choose right now whoyou want to be and who you don't
want to be, because I think allof us got some amazing things
from our parents, whether onpurpose or just be an example,
like like your dad, with withbeing generous.
I had that conversation with mykids not long ago and I said,
(17:11):
look, I'm quick to anger, I'vetalked about that on the podcast
lots of times and I tell mykids you don't have to do that.
Right, you know you can decide.
If you decide, if you tellyourself now you're not going to
do those things, the chancesare you won't.
And so I think and I'm guessing,nick, that this, this
influenced the book.
You know, you kind of askedyourself over time what worked
(17:34):
and didn't work with my parentswhat worked and didn't work when
I was a parent.
Right, and we haven't got toyour parent journey yet but we
will and then that probably ledto the book.
Maybe you could tell us alittle bit about now, like your
parent journey and what you didas you approached parenthood,
and how you've changed throughthat, that life cycle of
parenthood.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
You know, as I mentioned earlier, the journey
of parenthood was terrifyingbecause when, when my first
daughter was born, I was just soaware of how little I had as
far as resources from mybackground to be able to be very
effective as a father, and so Idid a lot of reading.
(18:15):
Of course, I did a lot.
I had been working with.
I've worked with youth myentire life.
I started as a youth pastor,did some some teaching in local
boys and girls clubs and workedwith them, and so I've worked
with kids my whole life and I'vewatched what parents did with
their kids that were that waseffective and tried to learn
(18:36):
from that.
I've done a lot of reading, alot of, you know, exposing
myself to conferences and peopleand ideas that to try to figure
out.
You know what does this looklike?
And then you know really, boy,this is a terrible thing to say,
but isn't it true?
There's a whole lot of justtrial and error.
(18:57):
It's like you hate to admitthat you're practicing being a
parent on your kids, but itreally is what happens, you know
, it's like I don't have a cluewhat I'm doing.
Let's see if this works.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Every person listening to the podcast is
nodding their head right now.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Yeah, it is.
It's just the way it works.
And if you've had great parents, you still feel that way.
I think If you had not suchgreat parenting experience, you
still feel like I'm not realsure what's going on.
And if that wasn't hard enough,each one of those little
suckers are different, you know.
I mean like I felt like I didpretty good.
(19:33):
You know, some of them arepretty easy to parent.
You know I'd see things in themthat were a whole lot like me
and it's like, oh, I know how to, I know what you need, you know
.
And then there's it's like.
The other ones is like, oh mygosh, like I have no idea where
you're coming from, I can't, andso it's all just a learning
journey of, you know, trying tofigure out what's going to work
(19:56):
with each student, each child.
And so again back to the book.
That's one of the things thatreally tried to hone in on for
dads is you're not going to dothis, all right, you're going to
make mistakes, and it's okay.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is to be makingprogress, because we're all
(20:17):
going to blow it.
You know and and and somethingthat the Corey said there a
minute ago that you know, if youcan acknowledge to your kids
this is an area I'm not strongin, man.
I think that is one of the andit's just goals right there,
because being able to own ourmistakes and being able to say,
(20:39):
hey, I'm in progress, I'm a workin progress, I don't think I've
got this all right it empowersour kids to be works in progress
and to not feel like they'vegot to be perfect and they've
got to present this image to theworld.
It enables them just to behuman.
Yeah, and I think that's reallypowerful.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
This morning I did a morning meditation and there was
a quote in there from VictorFrankel which I know Corey
really likes man search for, formeaning.
But the quote was betweenstimulus and response there's a
space.
Yes, in that, in that spacelies power to choose our
response and in our responselies our growth and our freedom.
(21:22):
And I shared that this morningwith my kids.
I texted in our family textsand I just said you know I've
worked on my temper and havingmore patience over the years and
when I'm frustrated I realizedthat I have a pretty short fuse.
But that choice exists betweenthe stimulus and my response.
(21:43):
And I just said you know Ihaven't been very good at that,
but pausing, which is somethingI learned from the podcast, is
like count to three before yousay anything.
That pauses helped me out a lot.
So you know, my kids know onethat I guess I'm working to get
(22:04):
better to that.
I've recognized my mistakes inthe past.
And three I'm admitting it tothem.
So it's okay if they're quickto to anger, because there's
that's your choice, that's your,that's your growth in your
freedom is the response.
Between that stimulus andresponse, I think that that's
(22:28):
super powerful, corey.
I'm glad you brought that up.
I took from one of our otherpodcasts to that said that they
do a trip when their kids turn16 years old and they get to
choose where they go.
They get a budget and they getto choose mom or dad.
So I have twin boys who justturned 16.
(22:48):
So I've been traveling quite abit Awesome Over in the last, in
the last month, and I realizedon that trip with both my boys
that that was the longest I hadever spent alone with that
individual.
And I think for most familiesyou've probably you know, before
(23:14):
their age 16, you've probablyspent a week together alone.
But because they're twins, theywent everywhere with me
together, because it was theirbest friend and their dad.
Right, and I made it a point, Irealized it on the first trip,
but I made it a point duringboth trips to say hey, I missed
(23:35):
the mark on this, like it shouldnot have taken me 16 years to
spend a week alone with you andI hope that and both of them
were very like, well, like wedidn't miss it, we didn't miss
anything.
We've spent tons of timetogether and I'm like I know,
but we haven't spent one on onetime together for an extended
period of time and I feel likemy relationship with both my
(23:58):
sons after that trip isdifferent than it was before.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
So I mean, I just admitted it.
I'm like you know what, like Imissed the mark on this, and I
hope you guys don't miss themark on that with your kids.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
Yeah, and I think that transparency, that just
being real, opens up a deeperlevel of relationship.
You know, and one of the things, one of the big stones that
I've talked about in the bookand people often ask me about,
is be lovable.
And I think what you're reallytalking about right now is being
(24:34):
lovable.
It's being able to say, hey, Ididn't do this.
Well, I didn't do this right,and that is lovable.
When people can kind of owntheir stuff and admit their
mistakes and say, hey, I wishwe'd had more time, just you and
I.
That was important and I missedit.
That makes you lovable as afather.
(24:55):
And if we can be lovable, youknow, dads often get the brunt
of being disciplinarian and kindof being the backstop, if you
will.
You know, mom, not in any wayto diminish mothers, because, my
Lord, we wouldn't make itwithout them, but just to
acknowledge that often, when itgets really serious, you know,
(25:19):
dad gets called in and we tendto be a little more focused on
structure and discipline and infollow through and being
responsible and all those kindsof things, and that can create
an environment where we have,where we're creating angst with
our kids in ways that we don'thave to.
(25:39):
There's times, you know, I tellmy.
One of my kids said to me oneday well, I'm mad at you and I'm
like that's okay, that's great,that's.
You probably have the right tobe mad.
They're like I don't like youand I'm like that's, that's okay
too.
You don't have to like me, notright this minute, because this
isn't, this isn't positive.
But then Two hours later, youknow, you come back and you try
(26:05):
to rebuild that relationship andreconnect.
Discipline isn't fun whenyou're telling a kid no, you
can't have two more candy barstoday.
That's not just not going towork, they don't like that and
they resent that.
Anytime you have to put abarrier in somebody's way,
they're not happy about it.
And so when you realize you'rehaving to do those things, you
(26:29):
have to take extra effort to belovable.
You know, to make sure thatyou're connecting, that you're
keeping relationship, that thepositives outweigh the negatives
.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Yeah, I think back to the scripture that says,
essentially, when you have thosetimes and moments when you have
to discipline, then you need tohave an increase of love
afterwards.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Yeah, yeah, that's.
That really is what we'retalking about, and I think I'm
not sure how it happened and I'msure part of it is just
cultural, but there seems to bea sense that, you know, moms are
really lovable and moms are,you know, the ones who are much
(27:19):
more compassionate and engaging,and that's part of being a
female, I think.
But as fathers, we can't justabdicate our responsibility to
really have deep, profoundrelationships with our kids,
because that is where we pass onvalues and it is where we pass
(27:41):
on, you know, all the thingsthat we want our kids to become,
as far as the way they enter,engage with the world, and the
kind of people they turn out tobe, and the way they influence
and affect society.
It comes out of relationshipwith us.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
So, nick, in addition to being lovable, you know
approachable, not just adisciplinarian type of father,
what other?
Don't give away all your bigrocks, because you know we want
people to go see the book, butwhat are?
What is another like in yourmind, one of the most important
big rocks, or big stones, as youcall them?
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Yeah, it really is the one that I've already kind
of referenced.
It's it's, it's big stonenumber one and it's the power of
being, and I really and I spentthree chapters talking about
that that there's just enormouspower for a father just in being
(28:38):
, just in being present.
I talk about being present, butsometimes we get so focused on
you know, I've got to be reallyprint that everything gets
jacked up Like really relax, beyou and then bring your kids
into it.
And as long as you're trying togrow as a person, as long as
(29:00):
you're moving forward, thenthat's probably as good as it's
going to get you know, insteadof trying to get all you know.
Today, I know this person who.
He's all about leadership andall about being intentional and
intentionality, and I am allabout all those things as well.
I think that's great, greatstuff.
But he's so focused on havingthese intentional moments with
(29:25):
his kids that he misses theirlife.
Does that make sense?
Like he's creating this picturewhere we're going to do this
thing and it's going to be inthis way and every, but then he
misses that every day of hislife.
His kids are with him andexperiencing him and and there's
(29:46):
a whole lot of power and thetruth is his kids have gotten
pretty negative about who he isbecause what he's trying to
promote to them isn't the sameas who he actually is in living.
Does that, if that makes anysense?
And so they're like they reallyare kind of pushing him out of
(30:06):
their lives because if there's adisconnect, but as dads, every
day we just have this amazingpower that comes out of who
God's created us to be that wecan pass on to our children.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I love that the, as you've been talking, nick, I've
been thinking about like what's,what's the word I would give to
this, and I think a lot of kidsfeel like their dads aren't
accessible.
Yes, my dad's so busy, my dad's, you know, working, and he's
got all these other things if heserves in the community or the
church or you know, and then Ikind of get his leftovers and
(30:54):
that's just the way it is,because I'm not that important
as actually the way thesubconscious views it.
But I think when we give ourkids the license to access us
and say I am, I am 100% yourcoach.
If you ever need to talk to meabout anything, I will drop
(31:14):
everything I'm doing becauseit's important to you, it's
important to me, you know, and,and I think just letting our
kids know that they have accessto us at any time they need it,
none of us dads would sayanything that I do for a living
or anybody that I'm servingoutside my home is more
important than my kid Needing meacutely.
(31:35):
We're never going to turn ourkid away and say, hold on a
minute, right.
But when we give our kids, likethat specific conversation that
you have access to me, I am.
I'm 100% on your side and youcan access me at any point
during the day.
You send me an SOS text.
I will call you, no matter whatI'm doing, and I think that's
(31:57):
just a powerful conversation forus to have.
And then they go.
You know what my dad is on myteam.
I do have the ability, I havethis superpower and I've got
this guy that's always got myback.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Absolutely, and I think you know one of the things
I know in my parenting journeyI've Early on someone said to me
that it's important to gaugethe response that you give to
the excitement of your kids.
So I didn't do a good job ofphrasing that.
(32:32):
But you measure how excitedthey are about something and you
need to respond with that samekind of interest or excitement,
because you know kid comes upand they've got a new baby doll
and they're three years old.
So if you've had a busy day atwork, a new doll is not really
that exciting, but the kid'sexcited and if you don't reflect
(32:56):
back to them that same level ofexcitement, the message that
they get inadvertently is you'renot really that important, and
that just keeps going.
I have such a marked memory ofmy youngest son, who is our
adopted son and he also has somespecial needs, some learning
(33:18):
difficulties and but he's agreat artist and he loves to
draw.
And so we were setting up forchurch, getting everything ready
for church, and we were comingright down to at this point I
was the pastor of the church andwe were coming right down to
service and things just weren'tready and I was trying to rush
(33:39):
around and get the last fewminute things.
And my son, who has thisabsolute, unbelievable ability
to interrupt and interrupt, andinterrupt and like it's on a
special needs level, it's not,it's not like it's really, it's
hard to even describe, but heinsists on attention when he
needs it and so he kept sayinghey dad, hey dad, and I'm like
(34:02):
buddy, just just, just a minute,let me, let me get this, let me
get this, let me get and.
And he was super excited and Ikind of knew what he.
He'd drawn something.
He wanted me to see it.
I mean, I was getting ready tohave to present to a whole room
full of people and thingsweren't ready, you know, and and
so I just kept pushing to getmy stuff together and we were
(34:24):
having sound issues anyway.
So finally I look over, becauseit's been probably two minutes
and he hasn't interrupted mewith hey dad, look at this.
And it hit me, I stole the joyfrom that kid and he doesn't.
He doesn't want me to look atit anymore because I put him off
one time too many.
(34:44):
It broke my heart stopped rightin the middle of what I was
doing.
I walked over to him and I'mlike hey, did you draw something
, can I see that?
And and he space lights upbecause suddenly he realizes I
am important and what I've doneis important.
But what I know is it's easy forme to be slamming through life
(35:08):
If somebody sends me an SOS testtext you got me, you know what
I'm saying If you have a majorissue, something's really going
on in life.
But it's easy for me to missthose moments where it's not an
SOS, you know, it's just my kidneeds some attention and and I,
(35:28):
I, I miss that, and not justwith the little ones, like my
daughter, who's 24, was at myhouse the other day and I hadn't
seen her in a couple of daysand she was standing there.
I'm like, hey, babe, and I justturned to do something else and
I saw her face drop and I'mlike, oh, did that not feel like
you got a very good welcome?
She's like, no, I've not seenyou in a while.
(35:49):
And then so I walk over andgive her a hug and just change
the whole dynamic, because it'sjust easy to miss those little
moments.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
That's gold stuff right there.
I love that.
And matching the energy, Ithink can be the positive and
the negative.
Like you think of the kid wholost his ice cream cone at the,
you know at the park and that'slike the end of the world.
Or he loses his balloon andyou're like, oh well, it's just
a balloon.
Well, it's not just a balloonto that kid, like that was his
(36:19):
whole day.
And so I think we need to matchthe energy.
And I mean what that is is justempathy.
It's practicing empathy, right.
When someone's down, youcomfort them.
When someone's up, you're therewith them, because it's like
watching an episode of Seinfeld.
Right, it's no fun to do it byyourself.
(36:41):
If something's cool is going onin your life, you want to share
it with somebody, right?
And so I think that's greatadvice.
I'm going to take that one toheart that I need to match my
kid's energy, make sure thatthey have that access to me and
that they can share what's goingon in their life.
Those are my big takeaways sofar.
(37:03):
I can't even hardly believe Ijust looked at my clock I can't
even hardly believe that thatwas 45 minutes.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
And I went so fast.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
I really enjoyed this podcast a lot.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
I have enjoyed being with you guys.
It's been awesome.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, I'm kind of reflecting on.
I'm excited to get your bookand learn about some of the
other big stones.
And as you were talking there,I was thinking to myself.
You know, our listeners havelistened to lots of podcasts and
I think sometimes they Icertainly do get a little
(37:45):
overwhelmed with the tacticsthat could be employed as a
parent, right?
So I mean, I could make a listof a hundred things that would
be good ideas to do as a parentthat we've heard on the podcast,
maybe a thousand, I don't know.
Yeah, and I think one of thethings that, nick, I think your
title alludes to and that I'lladd to is I think, as a parent,
(38:09):
really think about the bigpicture, like the strategy
behind being a parent.
Don't think about only thelittle things that you do all
the time.
I think you have to have a bigpicture.
I want to be this kind ofparent and I want to teach my
kids generally to be these kindof people and then just pick one
or two tactics.
You don't need to have a listof 25 things that you need to do
(38:32):
every day, every week, everymonth.
Some people are going on a tripat 16s Great.
Other people saying prayers atnight.
Other people might be.
You know, it depends on the kidit depends.
But if you have this generalview, a general strategy of hey,
this is the kind of parent andthis is the kind of kid I want
to raise, the tactics can kindof change and you can try
(38:53):
different things, but just don'tget overwhelmed, is what I'm
getting at.
I think you can just pick oneor two tactics.
They have this quote from SunTzu which is from the art of war
, but we're going to talk aboutparenting, and it says strategy
without tactics is the slowestroute to victory.
Tactics without strategy is thenoise before defeat.
(39:16):
So you really need strategy inlife, in business and certainly
in the home, not just tactics.
You got to have kind of a planright.
And so I thought I think, nick,your book is kind of saying,
hey, like, have a strategy, picksome big rocks and big stones
to focus on.
And that was my minor takeaway.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
That was perfect, corey, and I tell you the idea
of the five stones.
It comes from Stephen Covey andhe talks about in the context
of time management, and I tellthat story that he tells in the
book of time management and thenI apply it to fatherhood.
Just like you just said, it'slike if you get the important
things in place, then you canput.
(40:01):
If you get the big rocks in toyour big container, then you can
put some small rocks in, and ifyou get the small rocks in, you
can put sand in.
If you get the sand in, you canput water in.
But if you fill it up withwater to start with, you can't
get your big stones in there.
And so that really youencapsulated the whole idea of
the book is focus on theimportant things and some of the
(40:22):
rest of that will fall in place.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
I love that.
One of my favorite objectlessons from Sunday school when
I was a kid was that Somebodybrought the mason jar and they
put in the little stones firstand not everything fit.
We dumped it out and did it inreverse and you know it's a
great.
That makes the title of yourbook make so much sense to me.
(40:46):
It makes me excited to readyour book, and thanks for
writing it.
By the way, writing a book is alabor of love and I'm sure that
you spent many, many, manyhours and lots of effort to put
that book out into the world andI hope that our listeners will
(41:07):
show appreciation for thateffort.
Go get your book.
I don't think any of the, any ofthe people that write, you know
, self published books arelooking to get rich and that's
why I like them that way isbecause they're they're doing it
because they have an idea theythink will benefit the world and
(41:29):
we just want to help you getthe audience so that those ideas
can can spread and propagateand make a difference.
So thank you for that.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
By the way, I sort of appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Well, corey, I'm looking at my clock and
unfortunately, it's time to wrapup.
Nick, at the end of everypodcast, we ask our guests what
they think it means to be agentleman, and so we'll ask you
that question, and and let youlet you answer that one.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
Well, it was interesting.
I woke up in the middle of thenight last night because I know
that's part of what you do onyour podcast, and so I woke up
in the middle of the night andthought, oh, I know what I think
it means to be a gentleman.
So it kind of came to me lastnight.
I'm right now in the middle ofresearch and it's the stuff I'm
speaking on in my speakingcareer about how to be a man,
(42:23):
what it means to be a man, howto to present in the world in a
masculine, healthy way.
And there's I've got four bigpillars of masculinity and I
realized, oh, that's really whatI think a gentleman is.
It's someone who is respect, itshows respect both to themselves
and to others, someone who hasmastered themselves.
(42:45):
They have self mastery, sothey're presenting in the world,
and in a controlled way,because men have a lot of power
and they can use that for goodor for bad.
And so, self mastery, they'reliving justly in the world.
So they're, they're not,they're acting with courage and
with loyalty and with chivalryand with honor.
And then the fourth one is selfreliance.
(43:07):
That I think any man and agentleman is able to be reliant
on themselves, and I don't meanthat we don't have other
relationships and we don't needother people, but that we
understand.
At the end of the day, I'mresponsible for me, and so I've
got to figure it out.
Typically, that was with otherpeople as a part of my life, but
(43:30):
I got to figure it out and thenI've got to present in the
world and so to me, to be agentleman is really those four
things.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
What a thoughtful answer and that was fantastic.
100% agree with all four ofthose myself.
So thank you, nick, weappreciate your time.
Speaker 3 (43:52):
Hey, I present you all.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Thank you for being with us today.
Thanks for our listeners.
We appreciate the time that youspend in listening to long form
media and giving us 45 minutesof your time today.
Hopefully the 45 minutes thatyou spent with us today pays off
and that you can take some ofthe ideas, some of the
(44:15):
motivation and some confidenceback to your home and you'll be
able to be the dad that you wantto be.
And if you haven't been beingthat dad or that parent, there's
a whole army of people out heretrying to do the same thing and
none of us are perfect.
And you got this.
Thank you for being a listener.
(44:35):
If you've enjoyed the podcastand you'd like to leave us a
rating and a review, that surehelps us.
Helps people like Nick find us,helps people who might be
struggling as parents find us.
And if you've liked the podcastor, I guess, if you haven't
liked the podcast don't leave areview.
But if you'd like the podcast,leave us a great review.
(44:58):
We do appreciate that.
Thanks for joining us.
I'm Kirk Chug.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Corey Moore Focus on your family.
I hope you enjoy the podcast.
Thanks, everyone.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
Thank you, nick, thank you.
Welcome to the gentlemen project podcast.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
I'm Corey Moore and I'm Kirk Chug.
Today we're privileged to haveNick Adams join us on the
podcast.
He's joining us remotely fromnortheast Tennessee.
I'm going to enjoy listening tohis accent for the next about
45 minutes.
Love the way he talks.
Nick is a new author and he'swritten a book called being the
(00:22):
Dad you Wish you had Five BigStones for Effective Fatherhood.
He's doing research for futurebooks.
He's done a lot of things inhis life that we're going to let
him kind of talk about, butyouth camp founder, director,
pastor, business owner,commercial residential landlord
and he's a dad of four, two boys, two girls.
He's done some fostering, someadoption in his parenting
(00:45):
journey.
He's married and has adult kidsand still kids at home.
This is going to be a greatconversation today that we're
really excited for.
He's super active and he'ssuper educated.
So, Nick, welcome to thepodcast this morning and thanks
for joining us, man.
Speaker 3 (01:00):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm looking forward to theconversation, getting to know
some of your all experiences andjust to be a part of your
family.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yeah, nick joined us because he sent an email.
I guess he found us.
So thank you, listeners, fordropping a rating and a review
so that people like Nick canfind us on Apple podcast or
wherever you get your podcasts.
So thanks for doing that sothat Nick could find us.
I'm really looking forward tothis.
Nick, give us a little bit of abackground about your
(01:34):
professional and your privatelife.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Well, as I was hearing you kind of hit some of
the high points, it made merealize how probably ADHD I am.
It's like, wow, I am all overthe map, I'm going every which
direction, but I really haven'thad a lot of interesting
experiences and opportunities.
And as I've matured and kind oflooking back on life as kind of
(02:01):
the stage that I'm in now, I'mthinking what do I wish I had
known or what have I gained orgleaned through the years that I
could pass on to others?
It's kind of the stage I'm innow where I'm starting to go.
Okay, I want to write some andto start a new speaking career
(02:23):
that I'm launching into and justreally kind of enjoying a new
phase of life.
But, as you said, I've ownedmultiple businesses and started
a couple of nonprofits and kindof led them.
One was to take care of orphansin Rwanda and we raised funds
(02:44):
and supported children and gotthem through their education.
The other is a youth camp thatI do here in northeast Tennessee
.
I'm still doing that.
And then, like I say, I'vepurchased properties and rent
them and just had my hands on alot of different things, and so
(03:05):
part of what I've seen is justby working with lots of
different people in a whole lotof different environments, I've
seen some of the things that Ithink are really valuable for
men to be able to get theirhands around, and so that's this
kind of new stage is trying toshare some of those ideas.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
So tell us a little bit more about what led to the
book and maybe we can get intowhat was it the five big rocks.
I can't remember the exacttitle.
Speaker 3 (03:35):
Yep, it's being the dad you wish you had the five
big stones for effectivefatherhood.
Yeah, quite a great.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
I'm already on the edge of my seat ready to hear
about it.
So tell us about the book.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
Yeah well, the book really is birthed out of some of
the things I was just sayingjust spending time with men in a
whole lot of differentenvironments and realizing a lot
of the needs that they have.
And for me, one of the thingsthat I think is really important
is that you have to be able toget into the book.
And for me, one of the thingsthat I was doing was working in
(04:10):
the construction industry, on aconstruction business and that,
and in the camp I just saw youngmen especially that didn't have
a clue, and I often foundmyself saying to the other
people on the team like he's areally talented person, he's got
(04:33):
a lot of ability, it's justthat he was raised by wolves.
Like he has no idea how to be aperson.
Like he's got some, he's gotsome skill, but he can't be a
person.
He doesn't know how to livelife.
And and I kind of had thatexperience and of course, I've
done some counseling with, withfamilies and and in a lot of
(04:55):
settings I've just thought, wow,there's just some big pieces
that are missing.
And so one night around thedinner table we were doing
conversation starters and my sonread this conversation starter
and the question basically wasif you could change one thing in
(05:15):
the world, what would it be?
And with, I mean just withlightning bolt clarity, I knew
the one thing I would change isI would create effective fathers
, because I feel like if you hadeffective fathers in our world,
you would change the world.
That by by creating anenvironment where fathers could
(05:39):
really be effective, thatimmediately we would see local,
national, internationaltransformation.
And so from that moment Irealized that that was a book
that I was going to write, wassomething to try to make a
difference in fatherhood, and sothat's how the book started.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
That's a pretty cool backstory.
I mean, if you look at themission and the vision of the
gentlemen project, it's the sameas to influence Men at home so
that their influence ripplesthrough communities and
environments that they interactwith, and so we're right on
board with you there, nick.
Speaker 3 (06:19):
Right, that's.
I really thought we had a lotof similarities in what we're
trying to accomplish.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
So when did the book come out?
Speaker 3 (06:28):
The book came out in I'm trying to think October.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
Oh, just barely so.
You're a couple months out.
Speaker 3 (06:36):
Yeah, we're just, we're just out of the gate.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
OK, so we're talking about the book.
We're going to let everybodyknow what the book's about
during the podcast today.
Maybe we can touch on a few ofthe the tenants or the pillars
that you touch on in the booktoday.
Where do people go find thisbook and how do they order it?
What's the best way to get intheir hands?
Speaker 3 (06:54):
Sure, the easiest way is to go to Amazon.
You can search Amazon.
It's available as a paperbackand for digital purchase.
It is going to be an audio thatwill probably be two or three
months down the road and it'llalso at some point be available
as a hardback, but right nowit's paperback and digital and
(07:15):
it is on Amazon.
You can just search.
Being the dad you wish you had.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
So that's awesome.
Thank you, Tell us about thetitle.
Do you have some personalexperience in like?
What was your dad like and whatwas your upbringing like?
What was your experience withfatherhood on the other side of
it?
Speaker 3 (07:36):
Yeah, it's interesting.
I was listening to one of yourold podcasts recently and the
gentleman I laughed to myselfand thought, well, the story I
have to tell could not be anymore different than that.
Because his story was basically, you know, everything was great
and he lived in Virginia on acompound of some sort, anyway,
(08:03):
and that his parents were themost influential people in his
life and his grandparents andhad mentored him and kind of.
My story with my dad is when Ibecame a father.
One of the things thatterrified me is I knew I didn't
know how to be a dad and I heardpeople talking about oh, you
(08:26):
know, my dad gave me this thing.
He said all the time, or thisprinciple or this value.
I had nothing I mean nothing Inthe book.
I tell the story that the onlything I ever remember my father
telling me that was like here iswe're sitting down here's
(08:47):
intentional me mentoring, givingyou here's how it is to be a
man, you know, and said thething he had to say to me was I
don't ever want you to fight,but if you have to fight, make
sure you throw the first punchand don't stop hitting until
it's over.
That was it.
(09:08):
That is all the life wisdom Igot from my father.
You know that was intentional.
Now, that's the whole.
That's a whole lot of whatcomes out of the book is.
You know, I'm trying toencourage men that you may not
have had a great background witha father, or maybe you do.
It really doesn't matter.
Maybe your father was prettymuch perfect.
(09:30):
You still have to figure outhow you're going to be the dad
that you you know that you wantyour kids to have experienced.
So, but the thing that isamazing to me is, as I look back
over life, although my fatherdidn't give me those principles
and didn't like say here's thevalues, what really did happen
(09:52):
is he impacted my life and heleft a mark that it's still.
You know, it's not going away.
Here we are, I'm 60 and thisman has imprinted on me some of
it really good, some of itpretty terrible, and yet he has
(10:13):
made an impact in my life.
And so one of the things I'mtrying to say in this book to
fathers is you've got way morepower than you know.
You've got way more influencethan you know.
You've got way more ability toimpact the longevity of what
happens in your kids lives thanyou're probably aware of and you
(10:35):
know it's not rocket science,like really and truly.
My dad left a lot of reallygood things in my life and he
never tried, like he didn't evenknow it, but I still blamed
really important life lessons.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
What were some of those that happened on accident?
Maybe he was less purposefulthan you'd hoped, but maybe he
did imprint a few things.
And sometimes you learn like.
I had this conversation with mywife this week and I said how
did that kid come out of thatenvironment?
Because I knew the environmenthe grew up in and he had turned
(11:17):
out to be like this young man.
That was like, wow, that's thetype of kid that I want my
daughter to date.
And how did he come out of thatenvironment?
Narrowed it down to he had sucha bad example that perhaps he
just learned what not to do overand over and over.
And now that he's got controlof his life and the direction of
(11:39):
everything that he's decidedthat that is not the way I'm
going.
Speaker 3 (11:44):
I think there's absolute truth to that.
I think there's a whole lot ofability to learn things kind of
in reverse.
It's not nobody's teaching you,you're learning what you don't
want to have happen.
In my situation.
My father was a very simple man.
On one hand, I would say thathe had a simple perspective of
(12:08):
life.
He didn't have a high schooleducation.
He was a farmer, which inNortheast Tennessee means that
you're just dirt poor because wedon't do it.
This is not a big farming.
I'm like we farm, you know whatI'm saying but there's not big
states where we're doing farmingand making lots of money.
(12:29):
At the event, for a long timehe did tobacco.
When I was young he raisedtobacco.
But one of the things thathappened with my dad is,
although he wasn't educated, hewas very simple.
He had very simple expectationsout of life.
(12:50):
He was a philosopher.
He really thought about life.
He had a lot of veryinteresting insights.
That all.
Especially as I got older andwas going to college and getting
degrees, I'd sit and talk todad and think he's probably got
a better handle on life in a lotof ways than some of my
(13:12):
professors.
Then, on the other hand, mydad's life was extremely
dysfunctional.
My mom and dad's marriage endedwhen I was about 12.
I start the book with the story.
It ended with my dad, drunkwith a gun, threatening to kill
(13:33):
my mom and I.
We were kind of put in a backof a car and I laid in the
floorboard and they drove us outof the city and we hid for a
period of time.
He was a very angry man, hadlots of anger issues that were
(13:53):
never resolved.
In the middle of that, he wasalso a really giving person.
One of the things that I learnedfrom my father is just being
generous, because although hedidn't make much, he never had
(14:14):
anything.
There was never a time that wewould pass the Salvation Army
buckets or that we'd pass aperson on the side of the road
trying to get money fromsomebody, or there was a need
among some of his friends andthey were passing the bucket
around to collect money.
All of those environments Iwould see him give it really
(14:38):
impacted me especially.
One day he was a big bowler.
We were at the bowling alleyand they were taking up a
collection for somebody who Idon't even.
I can't remember what the issuewas, but they needed money.
Dad threw in a hundred dollarbill, which this was in the 70s
(14:59):
and I'm telling you, my fatherwas dirt poor.
I gasped, probably because hewas like, oh my god, but he was
generous.
That's one of the things that Ifind imprinted in my life is I
have a desire to be generous andto help others.
(15:20):
My dad, as I said earlier, wasa very simple person, although
we have very different lives.
We're six hours from the ocean.
My father never saw the oceanin his lifetime.
Speaker 2 (15:45):
I've been to six of the seven continents.
Speaker 3 (15:48):
We have very different experiences and yet I
value simplicity that Iexperienced with him and saw in
his life.
Although I have a lot morethings than he ever had, things
aren't really that important tome.
I've got him because it justworked out that way, but it
(16:12):
really is not the focus of mylife.
Helping people, being a part ofpeople's lives, making a
difference in our world thosethings are much more important
to me.
I know that that came from myfather's influence.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
I think this is an important topic that we're
hitting here and I think, forparents who are listening and
certainly for kids who arelistening, I think a good
conversation to have with yourkids is hey, here's some things
that I think I've done prettygood at teaching you or that I'd
like to teach you, you know,and being purposeful, and here's
some things I'm not very goodat.
(16:48):
And guess what kids you don'thave to be like me.
You can choose right now whoyou want to be and who you don't
want to be, because I think allof us got some amazing things
from our parents, whether onpurpose or just be an example,
like like your dad, with withbeing generous.
I had that conversation with mykids not long ago and I said,
(17:11):
look, I'm quick to anger, I'vetalked about that on the podcast
lots of times and I tell mykids you don't have to do that.
Right, you know you can decide.
If you decide, if you tellyourself now you're not going to
do those things, the chancesare you won't.
And so I think and I'm guessing,nick, that this, this
influenced the book.
You know, you kind of askedyourself over time what worked
(17:34):
and didn't work with my parentswhat worked and didn't work when
I was a parent.
Right, and we haven't got toyour parent journey yet but we
will and then that probably ledto the book.
Maybe you could tell us alittle bit about now, like your
parent journey and what you didas you approached parenthood,
and how you've changed throughthat, that life cycle of
parenthood.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
You know, as I mentioned earlier, the journey
of parenthood was terrifyingbecause when, when my first
daughter was born, I was just soaware of how little I had as
far as resources from mybackground to be able to be very
effective as a father, and so Idid a lot of reading.
(18:15):
Of course, I did a lot.
I had been working with.
I've worked with youth myentire life.
I started as a youth pastor,did some some teaching in local
boys and girls clubs and workedwith them, and so I've worked
with kids my whole life and I'vewatched what parents did with
their kids that were that waseffective and tried to learn
(18:36):
from that.
I've done a lot of reading, alot of, you know, exposing
myself to conferences and peopleand ideas that to try to figure
out.
You know what does this looklike?
And then you know really, boy,this is a terrible thing to say,
but isn't it true?
There's a whole lot of justtrial and error.
(18:57):
It's like you hate to admitthat you're practicing being a
parent on your kids, but itreally is what happens, you know
, it's like I don't have a cluewhat I'm doing.
Let's see if this works.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Every person listening to the podcast is
nodding their head right now.
Speaker 3 (19:11):
Yeah, it is.
It's just the way it works.
And if you've had great parents, you still feel that way.
I think If you had not suchgreat parenting experience, you
still feel like I'm not realsure what's going on.
And if that wasn't hard enough,each one of those little
suckers are different, you know.
I mean like I felt like I didpretty good.
(19:33):
You know, some of them arepretty easy to parent.
You know I'd see things in themthat were a whole lot like me
and it's like, oh, I know how to, I know what you need, you know
.
And then there's it's like.
The other ones is like, oh mygosh, like I have no idea where
you're coming from, I can't, andso it's all just a learning
journey of, you know, trying tofigure out what's going to work
(19:56):
with each student, each child.
And so again back to the book.
That's one of the things thatreally tried to hone in on for
dads is you're not going to dothis, all right, you're going to
make mistakes, and it's okay.
The goal isn't perfection.
The goal is to be makingprogress, because we're all
(20:17):
going to blow it.
You know and and and somethingthat the Corey said there a
minute ago that you know, if youcan acknowledge to your kids
this is an area I'm not strongin, man.
I think that is one of the andit's just goals right there,
because being able to own ourmistakes and being able to say,
(20:39):
hey, I'm in progress, I'm a workin progress, I don't think I've
got this all right it empowersour kids to be works in progress
and to not feel like they'vegot to be perfect and they've
got to present this image to theworld.
It enables them just to behuman.
Yeah, and I think that's reallypowerful.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
This morning I did a morning meditation and there was
a quote in there from VictorFrankel which I know Corey
really likes man search for, formeaning.
But the quote was betweenstimulus and response there's a
space.
Yes, in that, in that spacelies power to choose our
response and in our responselies our growth and our freedom.
(21:22):
And I shared that this morningwith my kids.
I texted in our family textsand I just said you know I've
worked on my temper and havingmore patience over the years and
when I'm frustrated I realizedthat I have a pretty short fuse.
But that choice exists betweenthe stimulus and my response.
(21:43):
And I just said you know Ihaven't been very good at that,
but pausing, which is somethingI learned from the podcast, is
like count to three before yousay anything.
That pauses helped me out a lot.
So you know, my kids know onethat I guess I'm working to get
(22:04):
better to that.
I've recognized my mistakes inthe past.
And three I'm admitting it tothem.
So it's okay if they're quickto to anger, because there's
that's your choice, that's your,that's your growth in your
freedom is the response.
Between that stimulus andresponse, I think that that's
(22:28):
super powerful, corey.
I'm glad you brought that up.
I took from one of our otherpodcasts to that said that they
do a trip when their kids turn16 years old and they get to
choose where they go.
They get a budget and they getto choose mom or dad.
So I have twin boys who justturned 16.
(22:48):
So I've been traveling quite abit Awesome Over in the last, in
the last month, and I realizedon that trip with both my boys
that that was the longest I hadever spent alone with that
individual.
And I think for most familiesyou've probably you know, before
(23:14):
their age 16, you've probablyspent a week together alone.
But because they're twins, theywent everywhere with me
together, because it was theirbest friend and their dad.
Right, and I made it a point, Irealized it on the first trip,
but I made it a point duringboth trips to say hey, I missed
(23:35):
the mark on this, like it shouldnot have taken me 16 years to
spend a week alone with you andI hope that and both of them
were very like, well, like wedidn't miss it, we didn't miss
anything.
We've spent tons of timetogether and I'm like I know,
but we haven't spent one on onetime together for an extended
period of time and I feel likemy relationship with both my
(23:58):
sons after that trip isdifferent than it was before.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
That's awesome.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
So I mean, I just admitted it.
I'm like you know what, like Imissed the mark on this, and I
hope you guys don't miss themark on that with your kids.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
Yeah, and I think that transparency, that just
being real, opens up a deeperlevel of relationship.
You know, and one of the things, one of the big stones that
I've talked about in the bookand people often ask me about,
is be lovable.
And I think what you're reallytalking about right now is being
(24:34):
lovable.
It's being able to say, hey, Ididn't do this.
Well, I didn't do this right,and that is lovable.
When people can kind of owntheir stuff and admit their
mistakes and say, hey, I wishwe'd had more time, just you and
I.
That was important and I missedit.
That makes you lovable as afather.
(24:55):
And if we can be lovable, youknow, dads often get the brunt
of being disciplinarian and kindof being the backstop, if you
will.
You know, mom, not in any wayto diminish mothers, because, my
Lord, we wouldn't make itwithout them, but just to
acknowledge that often, when itgets really serious, you know,
(25:19):
dad gets called in and we tendto be a little more focused on
structure and discipline and infollow through and being
responsible and all those kindsof things, and that can create
an environment where we have,where we're creating angst with
our kids in ways that we don'thave to.
(25:39):
There's times, you know, I tellmy.
One of my kids said to me oneday well, I'm mad at you and I'm
like that's okay, that's great,that's.
You probably have the right tobe mad.
They're like I don't like youand I'm like that's, that's okay
too.
You don't have to like me, notright this minute, because this
isn't, this isn't positive.
But then Two hours later, youknow, you come back and you try
(26:05):
to rebuild that relationship andreconnect.
Discipline isn't fun whenyou're telling a kid no, you
can't have two more candy barstoday.
That's not just not going towork, they don't like that and
they resent that.
Anytime you have to put abarrier in somebody's way,
they're not happy about it.
And so when you realize you'rehaving to do those things, you
(26:29):
have to take extra effort to belovable.
You know, to make sure thatyou're connecting, that you're
keeping relationship, that thepositives outweigh the negatives
.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Yeah, I think back to the scripture that says,
essentially, when you have thosetimes and moments when you have
to discipline, then you need tohave an increase of love
afterwards.
Speaker 3 (26:56):
Yeah, yeah, that's.
That really is what we'retalking about, and I think I'm
not sure how it happened and I'msure part of it is just
cultural, but there seems to bea sense that, you know, moms are
really lovable and moms are,you know, the ones who are much
(27:19):
more compassionate and engaging,and that's part of being a
female, I think.
But as fathers, we can't justabdicate our responsibility to
really have deep, profoundrelationships with our kids,
because that is where we pass onvalues and it is where we pass
(27:41):
on, you know, all the thingsthat we want our kids to become,
as far as the way they enter,engage with the world, and the
kind of people they turn out tobe, and the way they influence
and affect society.
It comes out of relationshipwith us.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
So, nick, in addition to being lovable, you know
approachable, not just adisciplinarian type of father,
what other?
Don't give away all your bigrocks, because you know we want
people to go see the book, butwhat are?
What is another like in yourmind, one of the most important
big rocks, or big stones, as youcall them?
Speaker 3 (28:17):
Yeah, it really is the one that I've already kind
of referenced.
It's it's, it's big stonenumber one and it's the power of
being, and I really and I spentthree chapters talking about
that that there's just enormouspower for a father just in being
(28:38):
, just in being present.
I talk about being present, butsometimes we get so focused on
you know, I've got to be reallyprint that everything gets
jacked up Like really relax, beyou and then bring your kids
into it.
And as long as you're trying togrow as a person, as long as
(29:00):
you're moving forward, thenthat's probably as good as it's
going to get you know, insteadof trying to get all you know.
Today, I know this person who.
He's all about leadership andall about being intentional and
intentionality, and I am allabout all those things as well.
I think that's great, greatstuff.
But he's so focused on havingthese intentional moments with
(29:25):
his kids that he misses theirlife.
Does that make sense?
Like he's creating this picturewhere we're going to do this
thing and it's going to be inthis way and every, but then he
misses that every day of hislife.
His kids are with him andexperiencing him and and there's
(29:46):
a whole lot of power and thetruth is his kids have gotten
pretty negative about who he isbecause what he's trying to
promote to them isn't the sameas who he actually is in living.
Does that, if that makes anysense?
And so they're like they reallyare kind of pushing him out of
(30:06):
their lives because if there's adisconnect, but as dads, every
day we just have this amazingpower that comes out of who
God's created us to be that wecan pass on to our children.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
I love that the, as you've been talking, nick, I've
been thinking about like what's,what's the word I would give to
this, and I think a lot of kidsfeel like their dads aren't
accessible.
Yes, my dad's so busy, my dad's, you know, working, and he's
got all these other things if heserves in the community or the
church or you know, and then Ikind of get his leftovers and
(30:54):
that's just the way it is,because I'm not that important
as actually the way thesubconscious views it.
But I think when we give ourkids the license to access us
and say I am, I am 100% yourcoach.
If you ever need to talk to meabout anything, I will drop
(31:14):
everything I'm doing becauseit's important to you, it's
important to me, you know, and,and I think just letting our
kids know that they have accessto us at any time they need it,
none of us dads would sayanything that I do for a living
or anybody that I'm servingoutside my home is more
important than my kid Needing meacutely.
(31:35):
We're never going to turn ourkid away and say, hold on a
minute, right.
But when we give our kids, likethat specific conversation that
you have access to me, I am.
I'm 100% on your side and youcan access me at any point
during the day.
You send me an SOS text.
I will call you, no matter whatI'm doing, and I think that's
(31:57):
just a powerful conversation forus to have.
And then they go.
You know what my dad is on myteam.
I do have the ability, I havethis superpower and I've got
this guy that's always got myback.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Absolutely, and I think you know one of the things
I know in my parenting journeyI've Early on someone said to me
that it's important to gaugethe response that you give to
the excitement of your kids.
So I didn't do a good job ofphrasing that.
(32:32):
But you measure how excitedthey are about something and you
need to respond with that samekind of interest or excitement,
because you know kid comes upand they've got a new baby doll
and they're three years old.
So if you've had a busy day atwork, a new doll is not really
that exciting, but the kid'sexcited and if you don't reflect
(32:56):
back to them that same level ofexcitement, the message that
they get inadvertently is you'renot really that important, and
that just keeps going.
I have such a marked memory ofmy youngest son, who is our
adopted son and he also has somespecial needs, some learning
(33:18):
difficulties and but he's agreat artist and he loves to
draw.
And so we were setting up forchurch, getting everything ready
for church, and we were comingright down to at this point I
was the pastor of the church andwe were coming right down to
service and things just weren'tready and I was trying to rush
(33:39):
around and get the last fewminute things.
And my son, who has thisabsolute, unbelievable ability
to interrupt and interrupt, andinterrupt and like it's on a
special needs level, it's not,it's not like it's really, it's
hard to even describe, but heinsists on attention when he
needs it and so he kept sayinghey dad, hey dad, and I'm like
(34:02):
buddy, just just, just a minute,let me, let me get this, let me
get this, let me get and.
And he was super excited and Ikind of knew what he.
He'd drawn something.
He wanted me to see it.
I mean, I was getting ready tohave to present to a whole room
full of people and thingsweren't ready, you know, and and
so I just kept pushing to getmy stuff together and we were
(34:24):
having sound issues anyway.
So finally I look over, becauseit's been probably two minutes
and he hasn't interrupted mewith hey dad, look at this.
And it hit me, I stole the joyfrom that kid and he doesn't.
He doesn't want me to look atit anymore because I put him off
one time too many.
(34:44):
It broke my heart stopped rightin the middle of what I was
doing.
I walked over to him and I'mlike hey, did you draw something
, can I see that?
And and he space lights upbecause suddenly he realizes I
am important and what I've doneis important.
But what I know is it's easy forme to be slamming through life
(35:08):
If somebody sends me an SOS testtext you got me, you know what
I'm saying If you have a majorissue, something's really going
on in life.
But it's easy for me to missthose moments where it's not an
SOS, you know, it's just my kidneeds some attention and and I,
(35:28):
I, I miss that, and not justwith the little ones, like my
daughter, who's 24, was at myhouse the other day and I hadn't
seen her in a couple of daysand she was standing there.
I'm like, hey, babe, and I justturned to do something else and
I saw her face drop and I'mlike, oh, did that not feel like
you got a very good welcome?
She's like, no, I've not seenyou in a while.
(35:49):
And then so I walk over andgive her a hug and just change
the whole dynamic, because it'sjust easy to miss those little
moments.
Speaker 2 (35:59):
That's gold stuff right there.
I love that.
And matching the energy, Ithink can be the positive and
the negative.
Like you think of the kid wholost his ice cream cone at the,
you know at the park and that'slike the end of the world.
Or he loses his balloon andyou're like, oh well, it's just
a balloon.
Well, it's not just a balloonto that kid, like that was his
(36:19):
whole day.
And so I think we need to matchthe energy.
And I mean what that is is justempathy.
It's practicing empathy, right.
When someone's down, youcomfort them.
When someone's up, you're therewith them, because it's like
watching an episode of Seinfeld.
Right, it's no fun to do it byyourself.
(36:41):
If something's cool is going onin your life, you want to share
it with somebody, right?
And so I think that's greatadvice.
I'm going to take that one toheart that I need to match my
kid's energy, make sure thatthey have that access to me and
that they can share what's goingon in their life.
Those are my big takeaways sofar.
(37:03):
I can't even hardly believe Ijust looked at my clock I can't
even hardly believe that thatwas 45 minutes.
Speaker 1 (37:14):
And I went so fast.
Speaker 2 (37:17):
I really enjoyed this podcast a lot.
Speaker 3 (37:20):
I have enjoyed being with you guys.
It's been awesome.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah, I'm kind of reflecting on.
I'm excited to get your bookand learn about some of the
other big stones.
And as you were talking there,I was thinking to myself.
You know, our listeners havelistened to lots of podcasts and
I think sometimes they Icertainly do get a little
(37:45):
overwhelmed with the tacticsthat could be employed as a
parent, right?
So I mean, I could make a listof a hundred things that would
be good ideas to do as a parentthat we've heard on the podcast,
maybe a thousand, I don't know.
Yeah, and I think one of thethings that, nick, I think your
title alludes to and that I'lladd to is I think, as a parent,
(38:09):
really think about the bigpicture, like the strategy
behind being a parent.
Don't think about only thelittle things that you do all
the time.
I think you have to have a bigpicture.
I want to be this kind ofparent and I want to teach my
kids generally to be these kindof people and then just pick one
or two tactics.
You don't need to have a listof 25 things that you need to do
(38:32):
every day, every week, everymonth.
Some people are going on a tripat 16s Great.
Other people saying prayers atnight.
Other people might be.
You know, it depends on the kidit depends.
But if you have this generalview, a general strategy of hey,
this is the kind of parent andthis is the kind of kid I want
to raise, the tactics can kindof change and you can try
(38:53):
different things, but just don'tget overwhelmed, is what I'm
getting at.
I think you can just pick oneor two tactics.
They have this quote from SunTzu which is from the art of war
, but we're going to talk aboutparenting, and it says strategy
without tactics is the slowestroute to victory.
Tactics without strategy is thenoise before defeat.
(39:16):
So you really need strategy inlife, in business and certainly
in the home, not just tactics.
You got to have kind of a planright.
And so I thought I think, nick,your book is kind of saying,
hey, like, have a strategy, picksome big rocks and big stones
to focus on.
And that was my minor takeaway.
Speaker 3 (39:40):
That was perfect, corey, and I tell you the idea
of the five stones.
It comes from Stephen Covey andhe talks about in the context
of time management, and I tellthat story that he tells in the
book of time management and thenI apply it to fatherhood.
Just like you just said, it'slike if you get the important
things in place, then you canput.
(40:01):
If you get the big rocks in toyour big container, then you can
put some small rocks in, and ifyou get the small rocks in, you
can put sand in.
If you get the sand in, you canput water in.
But if you fill it up withwater to start with, you can't
get your big stones in there.
And so that really youencapsulated the whole idea of
the book is focus on theimportant things and some of the
(40:22):
rest of that will fall in place.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
I love that.
One of my favorite objectlessons from Sunday school when
I was a kid was that Somebodybrought the mason jar and they
put in the little stones firstand not everything fit.
We dumped it out and did it inreverse and you know it's a
great.
That makes the title of yourbook make so much sense to me.
(40:46):
It makes me excited to readyour book, and thanks for
writing it.
By the way, writing a book is alabor of love and I'm sure that
you spent many, many, manyhours and lots of effort to put
that book out into the world andI hope that our listeners will
(41:07):
show appreciation for thateffort.
Go get your book.
I don't think any of the, any ofthe people that write, you know
, self published books arelooking to get rich and that's
why I like them that way isbecause they're they're doing it
because they have an idea theythink will benefit the world and
(41:29):
we just want to help you getthe audience so that those ideas
can can spread and propagateand make a difference.
So thank you for that.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
By the way, I sort of appreciate that.
Speaker 2 (41:43):
Well, corey, I'm looking at my clock and
unfortunately, it's time to wrapup.
Nick, at the end of everypodcast, we ask our guests what
they think it means to be agentleman, and so we'll ask you
that question, and and let youlet you answer that one.
Speaker 3 (42:02):
Well, it was interesting.
I woke up in the middle of thenight last night because I know
that's part of what you do onyour podcast, and so I woke up
in the middle of the night andthought, oh, I know what I think
it means to be a gentleman.
So it kind of came to me lastnight.
I'm right now in the middle ofresearch and it's the stuff I'm
speaking on in my speakingcareer about how to be a man,
(42:23):
what it means to be a man, howto to present in the world in a
masculine, healthy way.
And there's I've got four bigpillars of masculinity and I
realized, oh, that's really whatI think a gentleman is.
It's someone who is respect, itshows respect both to themselves
and to others, someone who hasmastered themselves.
(42:45):
They have self mastery, sothey're presenting in the world,
and in a controlled way,because men have a lot of power
and they can use that for goodor for bad.
And so, self mastery, they'reliving justly in the world.
So they're, they're not,they're acting with courage and
with loyalty and with chivalryand with honor.
And then the fourth one is selfreliance.
(43:07):
That I think any man and agentleman is able to be reliant
on themselves, and I don't meanthat we don't have other
relationships and we don't needother people, but that we
understand.
At the end of the day, I'mresponsible for me, and so I've
got to figure it out.
Typically, that was with otherpeople as a part of my life, but
(43:30):
I got to figure it out and thenI've got to present in the
world and so to me, to be agentleman is really those four
things.
Speaker 2 (43:39):
What a thoughtful answer and that was fantastic.
100% agree with all four ofthose myself.
So thank you, nick, weappreciate your time.
Speaker 3 (43:52):
Hey, I present you all.
Speaker 2 (43:54):
Thank you for being with us today.
Thanks for our listeners.
We appreciate the time that youspend in listening to long form
media and giving us 45 minutesof your time today.
Hopefully the 45 minutes thatyou spent with us today pays off
and that you can take some ofthe ideas, some of the
(44:15):
motivation and some confidenceback to your home and you'll be
able to be the dad that you wantto be.
And if you haven't been beingthat dad or that parent, there's
a whole army of people out heretrying to do the same thing and
none of us are perfect.
And you got this.
Thank you for being a listener.
(44:35):
If you've enjoyed the podcastand you'd like to leave us a
rating and a review, that surehelps us.
Helps people like Nick find us,helps people who might be
struggling as parents find us.
And if you've liked the podcastor, I guess, if you haven't
liked the podcast don't leave areview.
But if you'd like the podcast,leave us a great review.
(44:58):
We do appreciate that.
Thanks for joining us.
I'm Kirk Chug.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
Corey Moore Focus on your family.
I hope you enjoy the podcast.
Thanks, everyone.
Speaker 3 (45:07):
Thank you, nick, thank you.
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