As a mother, Samantha has traversed the peaks and valleys of childbirth with a resilience that inspires. Her vivid birth stories take us from the brink of mortality to moments of pure, miraculous joy. Samantha's voice carries the weight of her experiences, from battling a postpartum hemorrhage and a life-threatening blood clot to an ectopic pregnancy and the premature arrival of her baby at just 26 weeks. Her story is a testament to the strength inherent in motherhood, and in our latest episode, she generously opens her heart, sharing the crucial lessons learned about self-advocacy, the indispensability of support systems, and the arduous yet rewarding path toward healing after traumatic birth experiences.
Navigating the labyrinth of medical challenges that can accompany childbirth is no small feat, as Samantha's journey reminds us. She recounts the emergency procedures, the fear of misdiagnosis, and how family dynamics can stretch to their limits under the pressure of a crisis. Her experiences peel back the curtain on the emotional and physical aftermath mothers may endure and the fortitude required to face the realities of mental health struggles, which are too often shrouded in silence. Samantha's journey doesn't just illuminate the unexpected in childbirth; it underscores the importance of responsive medical care and unwavering emotional support.
Wrapping up this powerful episode, we celebrate the triumphs and acknowledge the trials of the moms out there like Samantha, who have faced down extraordinary circumstances. We're reminded that every voice matters and every story shared is a beacon for someone else walking a similar path. We invite you to join the conversation, to find solace and strength within our Golden Hour Birth Circle, and to share your own stories. Together, we're not just listeners and storytellers; we're a community united by the shared experience of motherhood's raw and beautiful journey.
To sign up for our newsletter visit our website and blog: www.goldenhourbirthpodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Have you ever felt like your birth experiences left
you with more questions thananswers?
In this raw and honest episodeof the Golden Hour Birth Podcast
, we sit down with Samantha, amom whose births took unexpected
and sometimes frightening turns.
Samantha vulnerably shares herjourney through a postpartum
hemorrhage, blood clot, aruptured ectopic pregnancy and
(00:23):
an extremely premature birth at26 weeks.
Her stories will make youwonder how do you heal and find
support when your birth deviatesso far from what you envisioned
.
Join us as we explore thedifficult emotions and
incredible strength that comewith facing the unknown in birth
and motherhood.
Samantha's experienceshighlight the importance of
(00:47):
advocating for yourself, seekinghelp when needed and honoring
the unique path of your journey.
Tune in to discover how tonavigate the challenges and find
beauty on the other side.
The Golden Hour Birth Podcast apodcast about real birth
stories and creating connectionsthrough our shared experiences.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Childbirth isn't just about the child.
It's about the person who gavebirth, their lives, their wisdom
and their empowerment.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
We're Liz and Natalie , the Golden Hour Birth Podcast,
and we're here to laugh withyou, cry with you and hold space
for you.
Welcome to the Golden HourBirth Podcast.
I am your co-host.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Liz, and I'm your co-host, natalie, and tonight we
have Samantha, from Indiana, on.
She is a mom of two, seven andfour.
Well, two Ages, seven and four,yeah, and we're so grateful to
have you on tonight, samantha,it's great to know you.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thanks for having me.
It's nice to meet you guys.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Thank you, you too.
So if you want to go ahead andstart us off and tell us a
little bit about you and yourfamily, yeah, so Samantha, my
husband's Greg we met at workmaybe 10, 11 years ago.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Some were in there where he would be struck at
times, so we met and after ashort stint of hating his work
ethic and we started dating andthen he, over one Christmas,
just moved into my house anddidn't leave.
Most people would kick them outafter that but I was like all
right, I kind of like you, youcan stay so.
(02:28):
And then, maybe two years afterthat, we were married and had
our son, liam, so seven.
And then our daughter, sophie's, four, and they are obviously
beautiful and perfect andamazing now and when they want
(02:49):
to be.
But yeah, and I just, you knowyou look at us with mom, dad,
boy, girl, perfect, completefamily, and that's the end of
our child there in here.
So it's been, it's been nice.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Yeah you, my husband would probably have to agree
with you.
Boy, girl, let's be done.
I'm like no.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, there were these times where I was like one
of the four or five and then Ithink, after she was potty
trained, I'm like that's it.
Thank you for that, no more soyeah, yeah, if it would have
happened before she was on adiaper, that would have been a
possibility, but afterwards no.
So yeah, that's definitely nice.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So what has pregnancy number one been like?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
So pregnancy with Liam was completely a surprise.
He was definitely not a plannedbaby and I had finally become a
responsible adult and was likeI should probably make my very
first OBGYN appointment at theripe age of 22 and figure out
what that means for me.
And then I did all of that andthey were like you have PCOS.
(04:03):
I would be surprised at theseverity of what it sounds like
that you would ever havechildren.
If you do probably would meansome type of medical
intervention.
You melt down of failure as awife and mother and all of that.
And apparently at that time ofall those tests I was pregnant,
but it was too early, so it'sapparently in very, very, very
(04:26):
early pregnancy.
That's what it mirrors.
So they'd started me onmedication and I found out that
I was pregnant with him at likenine weeks pregnant.
So I missed a good chunk ofthat, which I can't say.
If maybe I had been a littlebit, probably less in denial I
(04:48):
mean, I was sick all day, everyday.
Every smell I worked in abakery at the time Every smell
that I once enjoyed made me hurl.
I had my very own personalhurling trash can that went with
me on wheels throughout thebakery.
So I should have known.
My coworkers were like you arelike it's the medicine.
(05:09):
A side effect is nausea.
So yeah, nine weeks later I waslike I should probably check
that.
And it did.
And then called my doctor'soffice, who I'd seen one time,
and they were like, oh great,then we'll see you next week for
an ultrasound for a what.
Well, yeah, so that was findingout, then trying to figure out
(05:32):
how to tell my husband.
By the way, we're like alreadya fourth of the way through this
thing, so good luck withadjusting to that.
So he adjusted his.
Every man did incompletesilence for a while while he
thought about it.
But, yeah, so pregnancy withhim aside from 28 weeks of
(05:57):
severe nausea and, you know,just in general never wanting to
leave the couch was perfect,normal.
He was measuring really farahead because his family has all
like 10 pound plus babies.
So I wasn't looking forward tothat and I was scheduled to be
(06:18):
induced, like 39 weeks, six days, because my doctor was going on
vacation and Liam did not seemto want to be evicted anytime
soon.
But everything picture perfect.
And then my water broke daybefore my scheduled induction
and went in.
For you know all that mydoctor's like you, just couldn't
wait one more day.
(06:39):
You know babies do what they do, so we went in.
We, the doctor I chose, onlywent to this hospital like 45
minutes away from our house andin my previous appointment I was
already like five centimetersdilated.
So we thought this is going tobe like a rush, what I know.
Your water breaking doesn'tmean that you have contractions,
because you know that doesn'thappen together, apparently.
(07:02):
So I hung out for like eighthours that had me walk and do
everything, but I never startedcontractions.
So then we had to start thewhole induction process anyway.
And eight wonderful hours laterand two hours of pushing that I
didn't no one explained that inmovies either.
You know that.
(07:23):
You know babies just don't justpop right out.
So I should have done a lotmore research during that
perfect pregnancy.
But two hours of pushingbecause he had I don't even
remember what his headcircumference was now because I
tried to block that from mymemory but his head was just
(07:43):
stuck on my pelvic bone andfinally he came out eight pounds
, 12 ounces, nice, healthy,perfect little man, all them.
You know perfect.
You know skin to skin, that youcould ask for birth itself.
I always will say this like Ihave been through worse things.
(08:06):
Those are upcoming, but I'vebeen through worse things and it
was not as bad no drugs than Ithought it would be.
So it was after I had him.
He's on my chest, we'resnuggling and I'm like I have to
push again.
I don't know what you guys did,but I have to push again and
(08:27):
they're like and my doctor'salready gone home because it's 2
AM so she stitched me up andshe's out.
So they didn't nurse us Likeyour placenta's delivered, right
.
Yep, I'm stitched up.
I've been to the bathroom.
I am yeah, I'm laying therewith my baby trying to nurse.
For the first time.
It's just contractions becauseyou're nursing.
Okay, I don't know what thatmeans, but that's not what this
(08:50):
is.
And so they kept coming overdoing funnel massages and
checking me and I wasn'tbleeding any extra and I luckily
had the greatest nurse ever.
She was like I've been with youall day and I believe you
something's wrong.
So they're doing all thesesorts of exams and nothing's
(09:11):
wrong.
I'm perfect, something's wrong.
So finally, I'm in enough painthat I'm like in the fetal
position and I can't move.
They took the baby to thenursery because, of course my
husband's.
Like I'm hungry and tired and Ineed a nap.
So baby goes to the nursery.
I'm trying to figure out how tonot die and they're not giving
(09:31):
me anything for pain.
Obviously, you just had a babyand I just had a baby without
pain meds.
And now I'm asking for painmeds, so somebody give me
something.
So they finally call my doctorand they approve metamorphine.
They give me that.
Apparently, I'm allergic tomorphine, never had it in my
life.
So now we've got all the youknow, benadryl and everything
trying to stop that.
(09:52):
Finally, let's see, he was bornat 12, about 4 am.
My doctor comes back in becausethe nurses are like I don't know
what's wrong.
And she walked in.
I explained to her and she'slike, okay, has anybody done a
rectal exam?
And I'm just like why do youhave to do that for?
(10:13):
Like what is that?
That's not where babies comefrom.
And she walks over and she'slike, just trust me.
So she, I think maybe did a 30second exam and was like okay,
in the world's calmest voice.
She was just such a levelheaded person in a room full of
chaos and like I'm going to GGto call up, have the OR prepped,
(10:39):
get this nurse and this nurse,and they know what I'll need to
set up for the minute I get inthere, start getting him consent
papers, and then we'll begin.
And so she comes over becauseI'm still curled up in the fetal
position gets in my face and islike okay, I know what's wrong
with you.
And she tried to explain itagain.
At this point I have no ideawhat's going on.
(11:00):
Just make it stop.
And she's, that's all I reallycared about at that point.
And so I said I will dowhatever you need me to do, I
will.
And my logic was I will havefive more babies for you if you
just make this stop.
How that was going to helpanything, I don't know, but that
was my rationale there.
And she said I will make itstop.
(11:20):
So we went to the OR.
I woke up at about eight and Ifelt perfectly fine.
I was hungry.
They're handing me a baby.
I still can't feel my arms, butthey're handing me a baby,
telling me he's hungry.
And then around eight o'clockall the doctors and stuff came
in and everybody's in my roomand I don't know any of these
people, it's none of them mydoctor.
(11:41):
So my doctor finally came inlater.
But I was the most popularperson ever because they had
delivered a nearly nine poundblood clot out of my body.
Apparently, during all thepushing he tore she said it was
about a half a centimeteroutside of my cervix.
If it had been in my cervix orin my uterus I would have had to
(12:01):
have a complete hysterectomyand she's only had that happen
one other time in her career.
And but one centimeter outsidehe tore a gash in the canal and
it had done what body you'resupposed to do and clotted
because he had pressed on it forso long while he was in there
(12:23):
and it was able to clot.
But I was bleeding into theclot so it expanded and expanded
.
So apparently every doctor hadreceived a memo with a picture
of this giant blood clot and Iwas just so popular because it
was bigger than my baby.
So, yeah, she was like if Ihadn't come in when I did and I
(12:44):
came maybe just 30 minutes lateryou would be dead because we
would have cut open that and youwould have lost all your blood.
And I go okay, well, that wasfun.
So what do we do now?
She goes nothing, you'reperfect.
I stitched you up, I gave youyour entire blood volume back
and you're good to go.
And I was, oh my.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
God Do you have a pic ?
Speaker 3 (13:07):
No, no.
She asked if I wanted any and I, hardcore, did not.
Yeah, I was just like, can weerase that whole night Cause?
I mean again labor delivery,perfect, and then that, and yeah
.
So we were in there for acouple of days.
You know, he was normal babythings, john, did you know all
(13:30):
of this stuff?
And then we left and I had theworld's most perfect postpartum
picture after that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So, like with him in the, in the uterus he was
somehow clotting.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Yes, so the clock.
His head had torn it becauseessentially I worked on getting
his stupid head out for over anhour and a half.
So in the process of repeatedlytearing in the same spot, his
head was still managing tocompress it enough that it never
fully like tore to the pointthat I had like an open wound.
(14:08):
It was torn inside of itselfLike I don't really know how to
explain it, like I didn't havean open wound like on surface
level, but there was an openwound within the muscle.
So in that it just continued toballoon and balloon and
everybody doing a vaginal examwasn't feeling anything because
(14:31):
the blood was expanding backward.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Back so.
So when they took you to the OR, did they go in vaginally?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Yes, they went in vaginally and essentially she
went up to that spot I don'tremember exactly how she I think
she had someone do a rectalexam and essentially like poke
to where she could feel it onthe other side, and then she cut
in that spot and then spent, Ithink she said, like in Linux 45
(15:05):
minutes just draining the bloodwhile they were replacing blood
and getting me to clot andgetting all that medicine in me,
and then she was able to, Ithink, cauterize it, stitch me,
and while she was in there, justfor good measure, just because
we already had enough surprises,she did a DMC, scraped
(15:26):
everything out just to make surethat everything was good to go.
So Wow, yeah it was and I mean Idon't, I didn't have any extra
pain from having stitches fromway up there, from having any of
that.
I mean I woke up and I feltperfect, so pregnant.
You were 23, 23,.
(15:47):
I just turned, I was a weekafter my 23rd birthday, wow.
And my mom and his mom werethere after I had him Again,
it's midnight.
They came in after we did skinto skin.
It was about like one and Imean I was like shaking.
I thought that it was just youknow the after birth shakes that
(16:10):
you get and stuff.
But it was apparently cause ofthe blood loss.
So, and they you know my momand I said I mean she's shaking
a lot and I'm like, oh, it'scompletely normal, it's not, mom
had stayed, things probablywould have been caught and fixed
a lot sooner.
But they said hi, bye, laughwent home and my husband I'm not
(16:30):
sure he was invited to familygatherings for, like us, I'll
add, like two months after myson was born, because my mom was
so mad at him because he didn'tcall anybody, I went into the
OR and he went to bed and, likeI don't think he was processing
anything, he was signing papers.
But you know we had been awakesince.
(16:52):
I mean, we got like a fullnight of sleep, but it was, I
don't know, six AM and now whenI went back to the OR it was
four AM and it was just a longfull day and he just he signed
paperwork but he had they couldtake my uterus, that life saving
measures, all of the things,and then passed out on the most
(17:15):
uncomfortable couch of his lifelike it was no big deal.
So yeah, it was well.
I'm glad you had a good nap.
I had a good nap too, from likefour to seven.
Great.
I woke up feeling perfectlyrefreshed Then handing me my
baby.
I'm like I had a baby, likewhat, what is that?
(17:38):
So then trying to figure allthat out, and you know he had
been, he had managed to, youknow, nurse one time, but other
than that they were just sittingin the nursery giving him sugar
water, like I appreciate that,but I would have totally been
okay if somebody just fed mybaby.
You know.
So things you learn and preparefor the next time.
That hopefully would neverhappen again.
(17:59):
But my next doctor was fullyprepared for that.
I did switch doctors in betweenLiam and Sophie because I had an
ectopic pregnancy in betweenthem and my doctor, who saved me
(18:20):
after Liam, lover of its andpieces, was going through a lot
of personal things in her lifeand I think it's a problem that
I know about the personal thingsin her life.
Number one, number two thosethings allowed her to miss that
it wasn't just a miscarriage andthat it was a tubal and my tube
(18:41):
ruptured.
I would have been roughly 11weeks, so somehow it managed to
go to 11 weeks before rupturing.
So I have some really elastictube, but that ruptured and I
nearly died again.
So I called my mom that timebecause my husband was at work.
(19:04):
He was about an hour and 45minutes away and I called her
and Liam was almost two I thinkit was almost two and so he's
sleeping it's like four in themorning, like something is wrong
(19:24):
.
I had went to bed with a cough,I had taken some night.
Well, it is two weeks beforeChristmas and I woke up when my
husband left to get something tobuy and I was like, oh hey, and
I had just thought that I had amiscarriage you know what Six,
(19:45):
four to six weeks ago, somewherein that range, and thought
maybe I was getting my firstperiod back and life was gonna
be normal again.
And then what was period crampsquickly was like okay,
something's really not right.
And at one point I had gonedownstairs Because everybody in
(20:05):
every house has, I think, like apuke bowl or bucket or
something.
I had gone downstairs to getthat because I was like I'm
gonna get sick and after youhave kids, you know, sometimes
you need to be on the toilet atthe same time.
So then you needed the bucketand I don't remember waking up
on the floor of my kitchen andI'm like, okay, I know
(20:27):
something's really not right,but still, I'm not gonna call
911.
I'm gonna call my mom.
I called my mom and she cameover about like 30 minutes later
when I had passed out on theway down the back down the
stairs, trying to, because Iwent upstairs to try and pack a
bag.
You know, I gotta get stuffready for my kid if I'm gonna be
going somewhere.
So I had come downstairsbecause she was like I needed
(20:52):
you to come unlock the door andI was like I'm gonna get my
first period back, I'm gonnaunlock the door, okay, so she
found me on the floor, called911.
You know they're like what didshe take?
What did she take?
She didn't take anything.
She woke up in pain and youknow, like she knew I was sick
(21:12):
and she had called Greg, youknow, told him I had taken
Nyquil before I went to bed.
So now I'm just an OD.
They have no other concerns inthe world, I am just an OD.
So they managed to, you know,get me in the shed, get me in
the ambulance, send me to the ERin the hospital.
That's by me is not thehospital that that doctor, that
my doctor would have been at andyou know I'm like she's telling
(21:35):
him.
You know she had a miscarriage,you know she hasn't had a
period yet.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
They don't care about that,they're just, you know, doing a
whole bunch of stuff.
My HCG pregnancy test came backnegative.
They have no worries with that.
So we got there there aroundfive and finally around 11.
(21:55):
And I remember I had no ideawhat he looked like at the time,
but an OEGYN coming in andsaying this is an exopic
pregnancy that has ruptured andshe needs to be in the OR.
You guys are gonna kill her.
And at this point my mom hadtaken Liam home to nap because
they were just telling her thatI must have had some kind of
stomach issue.
I'd already had my gallbladderout, so then it couldn't have
(22:17):
been to that.
But I think my mother-in-lawhad been called and she was just
like I have a feeling I need tocome.
So she got there right as I wasgetting rushed to the OR.
So now she's signing all thepaperwork, they're cutting all
my clothes off and getting me inthere and again like replace
all my blood and if I hadn'tbeen in there right then would
(22:40):
have died.
So that guy became my doctorthen.
This is just the theme now Canyou surgery on me?
You're my doctor.
So he was a maternal fieldmedicine specialist, so he was
great.
Just luck of the draw that hewas there and he was really
detailed.
I do have pictures I'd have tofind them of the tubal and
(23:02):
everything he was like.
It was about this big of what Itook out of you, and that was
after part of it had alreadyruptured and broken off when he
got in there, so, missing onetube, he was able to leave my
ovary so still had everythingwork in and went through,
(23:22):
scraped everything out and thensent me on my way.
Now that recovery was no joke.
I will say that that one was nofun, but at that point I don't
know.
I didn't really processeverything, it's just okay.
So when can we try to haveanother baby Cause, like before,
they were saying I was onlylike six more weeks.
And now what's the goal here?
(23:43):
And let's see, he said we couldstart trying to get in March.
Good that he wouldn't advise it.
When do we listen to doctors,though?
So March came around and hestarted trying for Sophie, first
plan baby.
Let's not as much fun as it is.
Just find out surprisingly.
And but it was still at thispoint.
(24:05):
Now we're being told you knowother stuff to get into you
cause you've only got the onetube.
So essentially every othercycle it's not going to matter
what you do.
So, and obviously, like hecould tell which cycle would be
the next one based on what thatwas from, so I knew that this
first cycle would mean nothingbecause I didn't have a tube
(24:25):
there.
So I was just going throughtrying to track everything and
all of that, since I now knowit's going to be harder and
April comes around and we'repregnant, and so I ovulated from
the side with no tube and ittraveled and was caught by my
other fallopian tube, becausescience is cool, so.
(24:52):
So if he's my miracle baby inmore ways than one.
So finding out I was pregnantwith her, I wasn't supposed to
start for like another, I don'tknow, like week, and I just I
went to bed and I'm like I don't.
I feel like I'm going to getsick.
I only get sick when I'mpregnant.
(25:14):
So in the morning came round, Itested it.
It was negative.
I'm like dumb, all right, fine.
Later that day my sister toldme she was pregnant.
I'm like, maybe, maybe I justlike had it because I knew you
were pregnant, and she's like,no, I bet you are too.
I don't think.
(25:34):
So it came back negative.
Like if I have symptoms, theysay you should be able to test
positive Like three days later.
I'm just full blown thick.
I'm like, okay, try again.
And I was pregnant and our twodates were three days apart.
So I, it was magical andperfect and my pregnancy with
her I wasn't as sick I couldsurvive, I had better medicine
(25:59):
available and I gladly took it.
And with her I did have I don'teven remember, I can never say
right Synthesis Pubus Disorder,essentially, you know, my hip
read way too early, so she wassitting way low, way early and
it just felt like she was goingto fall out all the time.
(26:21):
Essentially.
And my, my doctor being, youknow the specialist, was always
unavailable when, you know, Iwent in for appointments because
she was doing surgeries anddelivering babies.
So I would always just get tosee an nurse practitioner who I
didn't really care for and I'mtelling her, you know,
something's not right,something's not right, like it
(26:43):
feels like she is going to fallout of me and I was 25 weeks
like four days or something, atthis appointment that I had and
like I can barely walk.
It literally feels like she isjust hanging out, like I have to
walk with my legs all bowed,like I just can't do it anymore.
I either need to be put on bedrest or something.
(27:04):
I can't.
I can't move anymore.
And she was like you know, it'sjust because of this you need
to keep going back to physicaltherapy.
It'll be fine, okay.
And then three days later mywater broke at 26 weeks with
Sobi, and again.
Now I know that you don'timmediately have contraction,
(27:25):
However I'm not, so not supposedto have a baby for another 14
weeks.
So Q freak out.
6 am my toddler's awake.
I am walking around the housewith a towel between my legs
that I have to keep replacingevery five seconds and I called
my my mom.
She was already at work.
(27:45):
There was no coming to get meat that point.
My husband is already at work.
Luckily, my mother-in-law cameand got us and took us to the
hospital and stuff, because Ithought it was a I couldn't
drive.
It was.
I probably shouldn't drive LikeI don't know.
I mean the hospital's only likeeight minutes down the road,
but just the nerves, the shakingthe nerves.
You know everything and beingresponsible for my kid in the
(28:08):
backseat probably wasn't a goodidea.
So she drove about 80 miles anhour all the way there.
We made it there in about aboutfive minutes.
It was terrifying.
Never trusted riding before andthen definitely didn't after
that.
So we got there and then youknow they're anywhere, coming,
(28:29):
came up and again they're likeyou know it could just not be
your water, you could be peeingin your pants.
And she's like no, I don'tthink so.
I have done this before,remember, so I know what this is
and so you know.
Of course it was my water, butthis hospital only had a level
two NICU or something like that,and they were like for a
(28:52):
micro-premie you need to go uphere.
So that hospital's an hour awayfrom my house.
So my mother-in-law takes myson, my husband's coming back
and then he's gonna meet us upthere, and they're like it's not
, for you'll be until you havethe baby.
I'm like when are you gonnahave the baby?
Like once your water breaks,don't you have a baby.
So I had no idea that that washow that worked.
(29:13):
I just thought that she wasgonna be born.
So I didn't have contractionsright away, but they took me in
the ambulance there, which,right in the back of an
ambulance, is no fun.
I preferred last time when Iwas in college, that wasn't an
option this time, apparently souncomfortable.
(29:35):
Got up there, my husband has myphone.
I am just like here.
How do I tell you where I'm not?
Like you don't even know whereyou're going, so that, like
three hour, if they told him togo home shower, pack me a bag,
no one told me that.
They told him that.
So I'm trying to figure outwhere my husband is.
How do I get a hold of my kid?
Like what is going on?
(29:58):
And so I'm finally settled in.
I've met all the doctors, allthe nurses, and they've gone
through and gotten detailedhistory from my doctor and I
think at that point I was fourcentimeters dilated.
So you know, at that pointthey're like you'll hang out for
as long as you can.
(30:18):
The more you drink, the moresheeps and the more amniotic
fluid you have.
But you're just gonna keepleaking, like that's not cool,
you can't just like stow thatback up there or something, and
they don't think that.
So I was there for 12 days, 14days, 14, I don't know 27 weeks,
(30:42):
six days.
I went into labor.
Just woke up one morning.
I had normal 8 am monitoringand it's not a lot to do, you
know, in a hospital room byyourself, with the family an
hour away.
So most of the time I just satthere and watched the yeast.
So I was sitting in the bedwaiting for her to come in to
(31:04):
strap the thing to my belly notthat they could ever get
anything measured on her anyway,because I had no fluid and she
was all the way descended downas possibly far as she could get
.
So they were essentiallymeasuring her kicks and that was
about all they could get.
But it made them happy.
So, um, but yeah, I was justlike and I hadn't ever had early
(31:25):
contractions before becausewith Leung, by the time all the
pitocin and stuff kicked in, itwas 100% you are in full labor
and pain.
And so I was like is this, isthat it?
I think that's it.
It's just like.
If you have to question it likeat all, it's probably it.
So I spent like an hour tryingto figure out do I call my
(31:46):
husband, what do we do?
And she's like you're having areally tiny baby.
That baby is going to fly outof there, like, you need to be
prepared.
So all of them, um, you know,because of flu season and all of
that, we weren't allowed tohave, you know, anybody else in
the room, just the two of us.
So this was right before COVID,um, so 20 October 2019.
(32:10):
So she, um, she'd have comeright out by the time.
You know, I started contracting.
I was already at a seven life'sgood, it's like nine AM.
They're expecting.
I'm going to have a baby by 10.
My doctor is camped outside myroom.
She is reading a book onpostpartum hemorrhaging.
She's got, um, a whole likelibrary of books about
(32:35):
everything that's ever happenedin my chart and she is preparing
and I'm like, well, I feel safe.
So that's good.
Um, yeah, so they had a camera,what they called it.
They had some type of emergencyhemorrhage part or something
outside the room too.
So that way, if anything wereto happen, it's already right
there.
Um, and yeah, so we, you know, I, I was in labor.
(33:00):
It was far more painful thistime, somehow, with a, um, two
pound baby versus an eight poundbaby.
So it makes sense to that forme, um, except for the fact that
apparently, at one point inthis home you know being in
there and having no room and no,um you know, liquid to cozy
around in, she turned sunny sideup and her whole face was
(33:23):
caught on the bottom of mypelvic bone so she couldn't come
out.
But because she wasn't giant,she didn't tear anything, which
is great news, um, but it didtake.
Let's see.
So my, my contractions startedaround eight and she was born at
eight, 27 PM, so 12 hours todeliver a baby that big.
(33:50):
I was only in technical laborwith my son for eight hours.
I don't think that's fair.
It's not fair.
But she didn't try to kill meafterwards, so I'm going to give
her bonus points for that one.
So, um, she came out, she triedto, she tried to cry, but, um,
her face was all purple andstuff from being caught on my
pelvic bone and I went.
(34:12):
So, let's see, I was at a seven.
I finally begged for theepidural and my doctor was like
all right, you can have it.
You've been at a seven foraround nine hours now.
I think it's okay for you tohave that.
They're doing one now.
I'll come back.
I'm going to go delivering ontheir baby.
Okay, she walks out of the room.
(34:33):
Um, when yours have me roll overand all this thing, I felt and
I was prepared for the worst.
You know you, having a tinybaby, something's going to
happen, right?
Um, I felt a literal click inmy pelvis, which is apparently
her bone, her facial bone,coming out, dislodged from my
(34:54):
bone, and her descendingcompletely the rest of the way
down the birth canal in one goand one just push, because she
didn't need 10 centimeters tocome out, because she was not 10
centimeters.
So, um, she kind of swoopeddown there.
Um, my nurse.
I was like something's wrong,like her cord fell out,
(35:16):
something is hanging out of mybody.
And the nurse like, let's think.
She's like don't do anything.
What do you do?
Do not do anything.
And now I'm panicking even morebecause that's all she's saying
.
She's just tapping the thing onher.
Her vocera like call, call,call.
And so she finally gets thedoctor, the entire team, the
(35:37):
NICU team, comes running downthe hallway and I'm I was told
not to do anything.
I was told not to push.
My doctor comes in there andshe's like okay, I need you to
push.
I'm like, but there's somethingwrong.
She's like no, your baby's armhanging out, your baby's ready
to come out.
I'm like, I'm ready for you now.
She didn't want to deliver yourbaby without a NICU team in
here.
Your baby's good until itenters this world, and then it
(35:57):
needs help, okay.
So I opened my legs and thatbaby flew out of my body.
There was, there was no pushingrequired.
She flew and bed wasn't brokendown, nothing was set up.
They grabbed her, put her on mychest for a second, but she
needed help.
They took her and put her inthe bed and everything.
But I'm just looking at her.
(36:18):
I'm like what is wrong with her?
Greg, go over there.
What is wrong with her?
Her head was black and I didnot know what was going on.
It was a giant head full ofblack hair, jet, black, thick
hair.
Oh my God you said it would beme.
I scared me.
Nobody was telling me anythingand I'm like her head is black,
(36:41):
greg.
It is black and purple, likewhat is going on.
They're not telling youanything because they're trying
to get her intubated and stuff.
They're busy and get it, butcommunication would be cool.
Um air reference.
My son has platinum blonde hair.
It is so white that youcouldn't even call it yellow in
(37:04):
any way, shape or form.
He came out.
It was slightly orange, but itwas so blonde that you could
barely see it.
He just looked bald forapproximately six months.
I came out with blondish hair.
My husband came out withblondish hair.
What the heck is that doing onmy baby's head?
Like I was just absolutelyshook and so, after I was, my
(37:29):
husband just comes over bustingout laughing, which I think just
probably kicked me off more andI'm like what it's like?
It's her hair.
She can't have black hair.
So now we're preoccupied onthat.
They've got her intubated, theybring her over and let us look
at her, take her up to the NICU.
My doctor is while we're doingall that.
(37:50):
She is just so busy trying tomake sure that I'm not bleeding.
She's not going to be the oneresponsible for killing me.
So she's doing everything sheneeds to do.
They take her upstairs andeverything is good.
When I had three nurses inthere with me the entire first
four hours after I had her justmaking sure, I mean I have never
(38:11):
had so many funtal methodes inmy life.
I'm like you guys realize thatwasn't the problem, right, Okay,
but you know, and then you'rewaiting for news.
You're waiting, so you knowthey do everything with you, and
then they set you up with thepump and you're just waiting.
You can't, you can't go seeyour baby, and that was not not
(38:34):
natural, not not great in anyway, shape or form.
And so and we were finally ableto go up and see her just after
midnight and drop off the verylittle bit of colostrum you know
.
I was finally able to pump andshe was intubated and they had,
like you know, the lamp on herand everything and she's in
(38:55):
their incubator in her.
Her little foot was about thatyeah, big, and I still didn't
believe it.
So I pulled her hand off andlike, okay, which legitimately
hair?
Okay, and her face was allsorts of swollen still from
being stuck.
So she was really scary looking.
They explained everything and Ijust had the NICU tour like two
(39:19):
days before, so I knew how mosteverything was working in there
.
They did a really good job ofmaking you comfortable and they
were private rooms too.
So it was.
You know, we were in there.
They bring a pump in there.
They set you up.
You don't have to leave if youdon't want to.
There was no specific visitinghours.
You could stay the night if youwanted to, and then she was in
(39:40):
there for 98 days, 98 days anhour away from home.
I drove there every single day.
So for Liam it was kind of justto like I was going to work.
Still, he went to the hospitalbecause they discharged me two
days later.
(40:02):
Leaving the hospital without ababy was the worst feeling I've
ever had in my life.
So there was no way, nopossible way, I was going
anywhere other than back to thathospital.
Every day I took five monthsoff work and it was one of you
know those times where you'rejust somebody wants to help, but
(40:26):
they can't help.
You know, what are you going todo?
What are you going to be ableto?
Take my baby, make her allbetter?
And this little thinker is sweetas she is.
Everything has to be Sophie'sspeed.
Everything has to be just forSophie.
So she hadn't come home on afeeding tube, eventually G tube.
(40:48):
She made the first two years ofher life awful Because it would
take too much effort to eat,and she still believes that it
takes too much effort to eat.
But she eats enough now tosurvive what she refused to
before.
So she is a happy, healthy fouryear old, a tiny little one
(41:08):
she's only about 33 pounds nowof tiny little colness, but she
definitely gave us all the allthe scare.
I always say like that that wasthe end for me.
I don't think I could surviveanother pre-needling again If
she you know they told meessentially when I went back to
(41:31):
my doctor for my follow-up if my, if that nurse practitioner had
put me on bed rest and had hada circlosh because of my hip
spreading and her being so low,that whole time I had a weekend
cervix with no, nobody didanything, nobody listened.
So knowing better to advocatefor myself and also nothing
(41:55):
against nurse practitioners, butthat wasn't the right option
for a high risk pregnancy.
So demanding to just getrescheduled to when he was
available again Probably wouldhave been better, but she was
the deciding factor that therewas going to be no more babies
for you know a very, very longtime.
And then if there were, like Isaid, it would have been before
(42:17):
she was out of diapers, becausepotty draining, her, potty
draining the first one is easy,potty draining the second one is
a nightmare.
That's the truth, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
I'll go into that now .
So how was?
How was your mental healthduring all the NICU?
Speaker 3 (42:38):
That way.
I mean with Liam, there was no.
I mean again, postpartum wasperfect Baby, baby, healthy,
healthy.
Me was Sophie, um, yeah, I mean, it was the.
The guilt of I'm leaving my, myson, every day, I'm spending too
much time with her, and thenwalking out of that hospital
(42:58):
every day for 98 days without ababy again was just traumatizing
all over.
So, um, and I, I had, I pumpedfor her for 11 months, so it was
just constantly.
You know, I, I couldn't, itfelt like I was, I was, I was
like I couldn't do anything, youknow.
So, with her, um, I would say Ithink I may get approximately,
(43:21):
like, maybe like five, six daysbefore I knew that I needed some
type of help because I couldnot stop crying.
And they're like, well, youknow, like my husband, god love
him, but sometimes he's just aman, and I don't mean that
towards all men, but just thattypical stereotype man that does
(43:42):
not have any type of emotionalunderstanding.
He's like, of course you're anemotional, like you just had a
baby.
You know, like, this is anemotional, I just had a baby,
this is like I want to just grabour son and go live at the NICU
, and that's not rational, it'snot fair to him.
But we're going to move inthere and I'm not leaving and I
(44:03):
can't take my baby.
But if I do, like you know, Ican't take all the equipment and
I know that's where she needsto be.
But rationally I can't figureit out.
And they had their own NICUpsychologist.
She and I did not jibe well atall.
So when I had gone for mydoctor's appointment, she or he
(44:23):
prescribed a meeting with thisone that actually specialized in
postpartum mental health careand that was great and I've
worked with her for probablylike six months and that I mean
the NICU was on like floornumber six, just the number six
(44:46):
up until like six monthsafterwards just kicked me into a
tailspin and she got me out ofall of that and there was a lot
of I don't know like mindsetwhen pumping, that you know like
you're supposed to relax andrelease the oxytocin and look at
pictures of your baby.
And second, pumping was justagain like I don't know.
(45:09):
I, in a minute, I hooked up toa pump.
She was home for like fourmonths at that point and it was
still.
I was pumping in the NICU roomand the alarms were going off
and she stopped breathing and itwas.
It was every single time.
So working with her wasprobably the only thing that
(45:31):
kept me going.
I don't think I would have everharmed myself, but I think at
one point I think my body wouldhave just quit.
I think I could have induced aheart attack on myself from
stress and worry and you knowall those whatever that I can't
(45:51):
remember what they're calledanymore, which is probably a
good thing.
You know the thoughts of likeall terrible things happening.
I couldn't even drive Liambecause I was like that we're
going to hit, that there's goingto be an icy patch, we're going
to go over a bridge and we'reall going to die.
And I couldn't.
I couldn't drive with him forprobably like three months when
(46:17):
before I felt like supercomfortable again.
So I don't know.
I was very proud that I was ableto ask for help after her
because I knew I needed it and Idon't think I don't think my
life would be the same if Ididn't get it back then.
And I still see a differenttherapist that she recommended
(46:39):
because she's like I thinkyou've hit past.
You know all the postpartumthings, but I don't.
It's just the whole experienceand really the whole experience
with her is just afterwards withthe NICU and and with Liam, I
could relive the moments afterhis burst forever.
Anytime I close my eyes, soit's continually.
(47:01):
I mean he's seven and somechange and working through all
that.
So trying to come to terms witheverything and get it to a
point where it's just normal totalk about it.
You know, and I think, a bigthing with with Sophie, I think
another healing thing is youhear about people having
preemies all the time.
There's pages you can join.
(47:21):
How do I find someone?
Oh, did you also have a fatbaby that tore up inside you?
Or uterus too?
Did did that happen to you?
Can we bond over that?
No, no, you don't.
You don't find that one.
That one's not something thatyou can go to a support group
and talk to someone with.
So you know.
And then the topic.
I think that one I don't knowif that's one that's that was.
(47:46):
That's just something thathappened.
That was just another Tuesday,like at that point in my life it
didn't feel crazy.
You know it is what it is andat this point in my life I'm
I've been having a lot of it'snot endometriosis, adenomyosis,
(48:08):
apparently from all of myuterine happenings, and it's
also usually occurs aftersurgeries.
It's endometriosis, that'sinside of your uterus muscle,
not on the inside of your uterusor the outside, but on the
inside of the muscle.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So I just heard about this today actually.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
I had never heard of it.
Yeah, that was a made up thingthat my doctor said.
But after dealing with thatwithout knowing what it was for
like seven months, I'm aboutthree months away from finally
having everything just rippedout and.
I'm super excited.
I don't think a lot of peoplecan say that they're excited for
(48:51):
a total hysterectomy at the ageof 30, but I'm really excited.
I don't know.
I you know.
After, after Sophie, they werelike if you would like to be
alive for your kids, I wouldreally recommend not having any
more kids.
That sounds fair.
I agree, I support this.
My fange.
I will take you up on that.
(49:13):
Iuds are great, but IUDs do notstop this feeling that you are
in labor multiple times a week,so I will.
The things you have to do as awoman that just wants to have
your optional reproductivesystem ripped out.
(49:34):
The things you have to do to getthat sound clear A biopsy and
two more weeks of pelvic floortherapy.
Away from getting that finallyapproved through the insurance.
So hoping sometime springbreak-ish I can celebrate spring
break without a uterus.
(49:54):
So it's not doing any good.
I'm happy for you.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Yeah, if it's going to help you, then I'm happy for
you to have that option.
Yeah, I mean, just like theNICU story is like just you can
prepare for birth, you canprepare for postpartum, you can
not prepare for a NICU.
Speaker 3 (50:16):
I mean I think I spent all you know however many
days it was before I went intolabor with her just on Facebook
joining like micro-premie groupsand looking at what did my baby
going to look like and I wastold she was a fat baby.
She was two pounds 12 ouncesand most babies, her gestation
(50:37):
were rocking right around, likeone pound, like five ounces, one
pound eight ounces.
But I had gestational diabetes,like apparently I say
apparently because it was Itested positive the day before
she was born.
I'm like, yeah, I'm sitting ina bed doing absolutely nothing,
with no exercise.
What do you want my body to doright now?
(50:57):
So, but I just had big babies.
I would have more big babies,I'm sure.
I mean, when she was dischargedfrom the NICU she was 10 pounds
nine ounces, the fattest NICUbaby you ever did see.
She had rolls, she upon rolls.
(51:22):
We could put her hair up inlittle piggy fails.
I mean she was a fat, cute baby.
Everybody just said why can'tyou bring her home?
Because she refuses to eat tolive.
And they're like, well then,how is she still fat?
Because we shove it down herthroat.
I mean the things that peopledidn't understand and that was
always worse.
(51:42):
I mean, my husband'sgrandmother will just bring her
home and feed her.
She'll eat when she's hungry.
You don't think the doctorstried that.
You don't think they tried that, audrey?
Yeah, she didn't eat for 12 anda half hours.
You know how angry a baby isafter they haven't eaten for 12
and a half hours.
They're really freaking angry.
Did that make her eat?
(52:03):
Absolutely not.
No, no.
So you want me to bring herhome and starve her and then go
back to the hospital.
That's what you want me to do.
And then, yeah, we gave her achance.
She had the NG tube for Tedlunch because I just couldn't
stand the thought of putting herthrough anything else.
You know, my body did this toher.
My body failed her.
Now I'm going to have to makeher have a surgery to get it
(52:26):
directly into her stomach.
That's not fair.
She's going to have that scarthe rest of her life because my
body couldn't support her.
That didn't feel and that's howI rationalized it back then.
I know that's not right now,but it was.
You know how I thought about it.
But what I mean.
You've seen babies and then whenthey're teething and what they
(52:46):
do with their hand a tube thatis taped to their face all day,
every day.
There was one day and it wasthe day, I finally called her
doctor and said we didn'tschedule that.
She pulled it out 27 times, 27times.
Her face was literally raw.
It was awful.
(53:06):
They screamed so much.
When you try to put it on thethroat and it was me and my
husband that were trained to putit in I would have to leave
work, come home and put it backdown just so we could feed her.
And you also can't get a 10month old that is learning to
walk, even though she's adjustedseven months old and trying to,
(53:30):
you know, go everywhere.
She weighed maybe like 16pounds.
She was the most hilariouslooking child ever.
Just because she was so little,people were like how old are
you?
Don't ask, it's a long story.
So, but yeah, I was like, okay,let's get it in, and I wish
(53:50):
they would have forced us to gohome on it.
Some hospitals do.
It's just it would have beenfar better for my mental health
not having to shove that thingdown her, not having to change
it regularly.
I mean having her G tube wasjust.
I mean she only had it for 14months.
So I mean I don't know if itwould have happened faster had
(54:14):
she not constantly had somethingdown she had done.
She did up until this July whenshe had her tonsils and stuff
out, have scar tissue in herthroat from having to have it
placed for over the course of 10months.
So when they were in there withher tonsils they scraped it out
.
My goodness she doesn't chokewhen she's eating anymore.
I mean I didn't know that westill had difficulties and stuff
(54:35):
aside from getting her to sitstill long after consuming a
meal.
But I mean she would get allcaught up just choking on food
and just seem normal.
But no, it's from the scartissue.
So they sent a tone with allthat and said I'm going, she'll
pick it up.
A lot of babies are juststressed in the NICU.
You know she'll catch on.
For 10 months there was nocatching on.
(54:58):
She didn't care.
She was not a baby, that youknow.
You put a bottle in her mouthand it was no.
Thank you, I don't want it.
But she's still gonna sit thereand scream that she's hungry.
So I don't know.
With her it was like after shegot that G tube it was almost
like you had a normal baby for asecond, except for, you know,
(55:18):
every couple hours you got to.
You know we put her in like oneof those little seats with,
like them tray in front of it soshe couldn't move.
Put her in that strop or downand all the things that you
learned in Facebook.
Like mom groups of other momsthat have G tube kids, and like
a cell phone holder.
You take the cell phone holder,you strap it to the back of the
(55:40):
chair, you put the littlesyringe in it because she was
gravity-fed.
We never had to have a pump.
She tolerated everything prettywell and you sit there and you
just sit behind her and you'dwatch whatever was entertaining
her.
It's mostly usually Coco Melon.
So JJ and I are not friends, butwe'd sit there and just pour
the milk in Watch.
Watch it go Pour the milk in.
(56:02):
It's been 30 minutes doing thatand she was good and it was
always super nice.
You know, when kids are sickand they don't want to eat or
drink I didn't have that issue.
You know, you just grab thebaby she's still sleeping in bed
you open everything up, you putit on and you feed her.
It's like this is cool.
I like this.
I almost wish we could havekept it a little bit longer, but
(56:24):
a very you know mobiletwo-year-old that liked to slide
down on her belly down thestairs.
She didn't care when it poppedout, but I couldn't stick that
thing back in anymore.
No, thank you.
So it was time.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your stories,
and just you know how muchyou've gone through is a
testament to who you are andyour strength as a mom.
Speaker 3 (56:54):
So thank you so much Thanks for having me, I love you
.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
It feels good to share sometimes you know, with
other people that Okay benefitor at least understand, and we
can add your connection onsocial media or however, in our
show notes and that way peoplecan reach out to you if they'd
like.
Okay, thank you Samantha.
Thank you guys.
Thanks to you.
Speaker 1 (57:17):
Thank you for joining us on this episode of the
Golden Hour Birth Podcast.
We hope you've enjoyed ourdiscussion and found it
insightful and beneficial.
Remember, the Golden Hour BirthPodcast is made possible by the
support of listeners like you.
If you appreciate the contentwe bring you each week, consider
leaving us a review on yourfavorite podcast platform or
(57:37):
sharing the show with yourfriends and family.
Your support helps us reachmore people and continue
creating valuable episodes.
If you have any questions,suggestions or topics you'd like
us to cover in future episodes,we'd love to hear from you.
You can reach us on our website, www.
Goldenhourbirthpodcast, orconnect with us on social media.
(57:59):
We value your feedback and wantto make sure that we're
delivering the content you wantto hear.
Before we sign off, we'd liketo express our gratitude to our
incredible guests who joined ustoday.
We are honored that they trustus enough to be so open and
vulnerable.
We're grateful for their timeand willingness to share their
stories with us If you'reinterested in taking the
(58:19):
conversation further with us,join us on our Facebook group,
the Golden Hour Birth Circle.
We'll be back next week withanother exciting episode, so be
sure to tune in.
Until then, stay golden andremember to take care of
yourself.
We'll catch you on the nextepisode of the Golden Hour Birth
Podcast.
Bye.
Have you ever felt like your birth experiences left
you with more questions thananswers?
In this raw and honest episodeof the Golden Hour Birth Podcast
, we sit down with Samantha, amom whose births took unexpected
and sometimes frightening turns.
Samantha vulnerably shares herjourney through a postpartum
hemorrhage, blood clot, aruptured ectopic pregnancy and
(00:23):
an extremely premature birth at26 weeks.
Her stories will make youwonder how do you heal and find
support when your birth deviatesso far from what you envisioned
.
Join us as we explore thedifficult emotions and
incredible strength that comewith facing the unknown in birth
and motherhood.
Samantha's experienceshighlight the importance of
(00:47):
advocating for yourself, seekinghelp when needed and honoring
the unique path of your journey.
Tune in to discover how tonavigate the challenges and find
beauty on the other side.
The Golden Hour Birth Podcast apodcast about real birth
stories and creating connectionsthrough our shared experiences.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Childbirth isn't just about the child.
It's about the person who gavebirth, their lives, their wisdom
and their empowerment.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
We're Liz and Natalie , the Golden Hour Birth Podcast,
and we're here to laugh withyou, cry with you and hold space
for you.
Welcome to the Golden HourBirth Podcast.
I am your co-host.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Liz, and I'm your co-host, natalie, and tonight we
have Samantha, from Indiana, on.
She is a mom of two, seven andfour.
Well, two Ages, seven and four,yeah, and we're so grateful to
have you on tonight, samantha,it's great to know you.
Speaker 3 (01:47):
Thanks for having me.
It's nice to meet you guys.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Thank you, you too.
So if you want to go ahead andstart us off and tell us a
little bit about you and yourfamily, yeah, so Samantha, my
husband's Greg we met at workmaybe 10, 11 years ago.
Speaker 3 (02:05):
Some were in there where he would be struck at
times, so we met and after ashort stint of hating his work
ethic and we started dating andthen he, over one Christmas,
just moved into my house anddidn't leave.
Most people would kick them outafter that but I was like all
right, I kind of like you, youcan stay so.
(02:28):
And then, maybe two years afterthat, we were married and had
our son, liam, so seven.
And then our daughter, sophie's, four, and they are obviously
beautiful and perfect andamazing now and when they want
(02:49):
to be.
But yeah, and I just, you knowyou look at us with mom, dad,
boy, girl, perfect, completefamily, and that's the end of
our child there in here.
So it's been, it's been nice.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:03):
Yeah you, my husband would probably have to agree
with you.
Boy, girl, let's be done.
I'm like no.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
Yeah, there were these times where I was like one
of the four or five and then Ithink, after she was potty
trained, I'm like that's it.
Thank you for that, no more soyeah, yeah, if it would have
happened before she was on adiaper, that would have been a
possibility, but afterwards no.
So yeah, that's definitely nice.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
So what has pregnancy number one been like?
Speaker 3 (03:40):
So pregnancy with Liam was completely a surprise.
He was definitely not a plannedbaby and I had finally become a
responsible adult and was likeI should probably make my very
first OBGYN appointment at theripe age of 22 and figure out
what that means for me.
And then I did all of that andthey were like you have PCOS.
(04:03):
I would be surprised at theseverity of what it sounds like
that you would ever havechildren.
If you do probably would meansome type of medical
intervention.
You melt down of failure as awife and mother and all of that.
And apparently at that time ofall those tests I was pregnant,
but it was too early, so it'sapparently in very, very, very
(04:26):
early pregnancy.
That's what it mirrors.
So they'd started me onmedication and I found out that
I was pregnant with him at likenine weeks pregnant.
So I missed a good chunk ofthat, which I can't say.
If maybe I had been a littlebit, probably less in denial I
(04:48):
mean, I was sick all day, everyday.
Every smell I worked in abakery at the time Every smell
that I once enjoyed made me hurl.
I had my very own personalhurling trash can that went with
me on wheels throughout thebakery.
So I should have known.
My coworkers were like you arelike it's the medicine.
(05:09):
A side effect is nausea.
So yeah, nine weeks later I waslike I should probably check
that.
And it did.
And then called my doctor'soffice, who I'd seen one time,
and they were like, oh great,then we'll see you next week for
an ultrasound for a what.
Well, yeah, so that was findingout, then trying to figure out
(05:32):
how to tell my husband.
By the way, we're like alreadya fourth of the way through this
thing, so good luck withadjusting to that.
So he adjusted his.
Every man did incompletesilence for a while while he
thought about it.
But, yeah, so pregnancy withhim aside from 28 weeks of
(05:57):
severe nausea and, you know,just in general never wanting to
leave the couch was perfect,normal.
He was measuring really farahead because his family has all
like 10 pound plus babies.
So I wasn't looking forward tothat and I was scheduled to be
(06:18):
induced, like 39 weeks, six days, because my doctor was going on
vacation and Liam did not seemto want to be evicted anytime
soon.
But everything picture perfect.
And then my water broke daybefore my scheduled induction
and went in.
For you know all that mydoctor's like you, just couldn't
wait one more day.
(06:39):
You know babies do what they do, so we went in.
We, the doctor I chose, onlywent to this hospital like 45
minutes away from our house andin my previous appointment I was
already like five centimetersdilated.
So we thought this is going tobe like a rush, what I know.
Your water breaking doesn'tmean that you have contractions,
because you know that doesn'thappen together, apparently.
(07:02):
So I hung out for like eighthours that had me walk and do
everything, but I never startedcontractions.
So then we had to start thewhole induction process anyway.
And eight wonderful hours laterand two hours of pushing that I
didn't no one explained that inmovies either.
You know that.
(07:23):
You know babies just don't justpop right out.
So I should have done a lotmore research during that
perfect pregnancy.
But two hours of pushingbecause he had I don't even
remember what his headcircumference was now because I
tried to block that from mymemory but his head was just
(07:43):
stuck on my pelvic bone andfinally he came out eight pounds
, 12 ounces, nice, healthy,perfect little man, all them.
You know perfect.
You know skin to skin, that youcould ask for birth itself.
I always will say this like Ihave been through worse things.
(08:06):
Those are upcoming, but I'vebeen through worse things and it
was not as bad no drugs than Ithought it would be.
So it was after I had him.
He's on my chest, we'resnuggling and I'm like I have to
push again.
I don't know what you guys did,but I have to push again and
(08:27):
they're like and my doctor'salready gone home because it's 2
AM so she stitched me up andshe's out.
So they didn't nurse us Likeyour placenta's delivered, right
.
Yep, I'm stitched up.
I've been to the bathroom.
I am yeah, I'm laying therewith my baby trying to nurse.
For the first time.
It's just contractions becauseyou're nursing.
Okay, I don't know what thatmeans, but that's not what this
(08:50):
is.
And so they kept coming overdoing funnel massages and
checking me and I wasn'tbleeding any extra and I luckily
had the greatest nurse ever.
She was like I've been with youall day and I believe you
something's wrong.
So they're doing all thesesorts of exams and nothing's
(09:11):
wrong.
I'm perfect, something's wrong.
So finally, I'm in enough painthat I'm like in the fetal
position and I can't move.
They took the baby to thenursery because, of course my
husband's.
Like I'm hungry and tired and Ineed a nap.
So baby goes to the nursery.
I'm trying to figure out how tonot die and they're not giving
(09:31):
me anything for pain.
Obviously, you just had a babyand I just had a baby without
pain meds.
And now I'm asking for painmeds, so somebody give me
something.
So they finally call my doctorand they approve metamorphine.
They give me that.
Apparently, I'm allergic tomorphine, never had it in my
life.
So now we've got all the youknow, benadryl and everything
trying to stop that.
(09:52):
Finally, let's see, he was bornat 12, about 4 am.
My doctor comes back in becausethe nurses are like I don't know
what's wrong.
And she walked in.
I explained to her and she'slike, okay, has anybody done a
rectal exam?
And I'm just like why do youhave to do that for?
(10:13):
Like what is that?
That's not where babies comefrom.
And she walks over and she'slike, just trust me.
So she, I think maybe did a 30second exam and was like okay,
in the world's calmest voice.
She was just such a levelheaded person in a room full of
chaos and like I'm going to GGto call up, have the OR prepped,
(10:39):
get this nurse and this nurse,and they know what I'll need to
set up for the minute I get inthere, start getting him consent
papers, and then we'll begin.
And so she comes over becauseI'm still curled up in the fetal
position gets in my face and islike okay, I know what's wrong
with you.
And she tried to explain itagain.
At this point I have no ideawhat's going on.
(11:00):
Just make it stop.
And she's, that's all I reallycared about at that point.
And so I said I will dowhatever you need me to do, I
will.
And my logic was I will havefive more babies for you if you
just make this stop.
How that was going to helpanything, I don't know, but that
was my rationale there.
And she said I will make itstop.
(11:20):
So we went to the OR.
I woke up at about eight and Ifelt perfectly fine.
I was hungry.
They're handing me a baby.
I still can't feel my arms, butthey're handing me a baby,
telling me he's hungry.
And then around eight o'clockall the doctors and stuff came
in and everybody's in my roomand I don't know any of these
people, it's none of them mydoctor.
(11:41):
So my doctor finally came inlater.
But I was the most popularperson ever because they had
delivered a nearly nine poundblood clot out of my body.
Apparently, during all thepushing he tore she said it was
about a half a centimeteroutside of my cervix.
If it had been in my cervix orin my uterus I would have had to
(12:01):
have a complete hysterectomyand she's only had that happen
one other time in her career.
And but one centimeter outsidehe tore a gash in the canal and
it had done what body you'resupposed to do and clotted
because he had pressed on it forso long while he was in there
(12:23):
and it was able to clot.
But I was bleeding into theclot so it expanded and expanded
.
So apparently every doctor hadreceived a memo with a picture
of this giant blood clot and Iwas just so popular because it
was bigger than my baby.
So, yeah, she was like if Ihadn't come in when I did and I
(12:44):
came maybe just 30 minutes lateryou would be dead because we
would have cut open that and youwould have lost all your blood.
And I go okay, well, that wasfun.
So what do we do now?
She goes nothing, you'reperfect.
I stitched you up, I gave youyour entire blood volume back
and you're good to go.
And I was, oh my.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
God Do you have a pic ?
Speaker 3 (13:07):
No, no.
She asked if I wanted any and I, hardcore, did not.
Yeah, I was just like, can weerase that whole night Cause?
I mean again labor delivery,perfect, and then that, and yeah
.
So we were in there for acouple of days.
You know, he was normal babythings, john, did you know all
(13:30):
of this stuff?
And then we left and I had theworld's most perfect postpartum
picture after that.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
So, like with him in the, in the uterus he was
somehow clotting.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Yes, so the clock.
His head had torn it becauseessentially I worked on getting
his stupid head out for over anhour and a half.
So in the process of repeatedlytearing in the same spot, his
head was still managing tocompress it enough that it never
fully like tore to the pointthat I had like an open wound.
(14:08):
It was torn inside of itselfLike I don't really know how to
explain it, like I didn't havean open wound like on surface
level, but there was an openwound within the muscle.
So in that it just continued toballoon and balloon and
everybody doing a vaginal examwasn't feeling anything because
(14:31):
the blood was expanding backward.
Speaker 1 (14:35):
Back so.
So when they took you to the OR, did they go in vaginally?
Speaker 3 (14:42):
Yes, they went in vaginally and essentially she
went up to that spot I don'tremember exactly how she I think
she had someone do a rectalexam and essentially like poke
to where she could feel it onthe other side, and then she cut
in that spot and then spent, Ithink she said, like in Linux 45
(15:05):
minutes just draining the bloodwhile they were replacing blood
and getting me to clot andgetting all that medicine in me,
and then she was able to, Ithink, cauterize it, stitch me,
and while she was in there, justfor good measure, just because
we already had enough surprises,she did a DMC, scraped
(15:26):
everything out just to make surethat everything was good to go.
So Wow, yeah it was and I mean Idon't, I didn't have any extra
pain from having stitches fromway up there, from having any of
that.
I mean I woke up and I feltperfect, so pregnant.
You were 23, 23,.
(15:47):
I just turned, I was a weekafter my 23rd birthday, wow.
And my mom and his mom werethere after I had him Again,
it's midnight.
They came in after we did skinto skin.
It was about like one and Imean I was like shaking.
I thought that it was just youknow the after birth shakes that
(16:10):
you get and stuff.
But it was apparently cause ofthe blood loss.
So, and they you know my momand I said I mean she's shaking
a lot and I'm like, oh, it'scompletely normal, it's not, mom
had stayed, things probablywould have been caught and fixed
a lot sooner.
But they said hi, bye, laughwent home and my husband I'm not
(16:30):
sure he was invited to familygatherings for, like us, I'll
add, like two months after myson was born, because my mom was
so mad at him because he didn'tcall anybody, I went into the
OR and he went to bed and, likeI don't think he was processing
anything, he was signing papers.
But you know we had been awakesince.
(16:52):
I mean, we got like a fullnight of sleep, but it was, I
don't know, six AM and now whenI went back to the OR it was
four AM and it was just a longfull day and he just he signed
paperwork but he had they couldtake my uterus, that life saving
measures, all of the things,and then passed out on the most
(17:15):
uncomfortable couch of his lifelike it was no big deal.
So yeah, it was well.
I'm glad you had a good nap.
I had a good nap too, from likefour to seven.
Great.
I woke up feeling perfectlyrefreshed Then handing me my
baby.
I'm like I had a baby, likewhat, what is that?
(17:38):
So then trying to figure allthat out, and you know he had
been, he had managed to, youknow, nurse one time, but other
than that they were just sittingin the nursery giving him sugar
water, like I appreciate that,but I would have totally been
okay if somebody just fed mybaby.
You know.
So things you learn and preparefor the next time.
That hopefully would neverhappen again.
(17:59):
But my next doctor was fullyprepared for that.
I did switch doctors in betweenLiam and Sophie because I had an
ectopic pregnancy in betweenthem and my doctor, who saved me
(18:20):
after Liam, lover of its andpieces, was going through a lot
of personal things in her lifeand I think it's a problem that
I know about the personal thingsin her life.
Number one, number two thosethings allowed her to miss that
it wasn't just a miscarriage andthat it was a tubal and my tube
(18:41):
ruptured.
I would have been roughly 11weeks, so somehow it managed to
go to 11 weeks before rupturing.
So I have some really elastictube, but that ruptured and I
nearly died again.
So I called my mom that timebecause my husband was at work.
(19:04):
He was about an hour and 45minutes away and I called her
and Liam was almost two I thinkit was almost two and so he's
sleeping it's like four in themorning, like something is wrong
(19:24):
.
I had went to bed with a cough,I had taken some night.
Well, it is two weeks beforeChristmas and I woke up when my
husband left to get something tobuy and I was like, oh hey, and
I had just thought that I had amiscarriage you know what Six,
(19:45):
four to six weeks ago, somewherein that range, and thought
maybe I was getting my firstperiod back and life was gonna
be normal again.
And then what was period crampsquickly was like okay,
something's really not right.
And at one point I had gonedownstairs Because everybody in
(20:05):
every house has, I think, like apuke bowl or bucket or
something.
I had gone downstairs to getthat because I was like I'm
gonna get sick and after youhave kids, you know, sometimes
you need to be on the toilet atthe same time.
So then you needed the bucketand I don't remember waking up
on the floor of my kitchen andI'm like, okay, I know
(20:27):
something's really not right,but still, I'm not gonna call
911.
I'm gonna call my mom.
I called my mom and she cameover about like 30 minutes later
when I had passed out on theway down the back down the
stairs, trying to, because Iwent upstairs to try and pack a
bag.
You know, I gotta get stuffready for my kid if I'm gonna be
going somewhere.
So I had come downstairsbecause she was like I needed
(20:52):
you to come unlock the door andI was like I'm gonna get my
first period back, I'm gonnaunlock the door, okay, so she
found me on the floor, called911.
You know they're like what didshe take?
What did she take?
She didn't take anything.
She woke up in pain and youknow, like she knew I was sick
(21:12):
and she had called Greg, youknow, told him I had taken
Nyquil before I went to bed.
So now I'm just an OD.
They have no other concerns inthe world, I am just an OD.
So they managed to, you know,get me in the shed, get me in
the ambulance, send me to the ERin the hospital.
That's by me is not thehospital that that doctor, that
my doctor would have been at andyou know I'm like she's telling
(21:35):
him.
You know she had a miscarriage,you know she hasn't had a
period yet.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
They don't care about that,they're just, you know, doing a
whole bunch of stuff.
My HCG pregnancy test came backnegative.
They have no worries with that.
So we got there there aroundfive and finally around 11.
(21:55):
And I remember I had no ideawhat he looked like at the time,
but an OEGYN coming in andsaying this is an exopic
pregnancy that has ruptured andshe needs to be in the OR.
You guys are gonna kill her.
And at this point my mom hadtaken Liam home to nap because
they were just telling her thatI must have had some kind of
stomach issue.
I'd already had my gallbladderout, so then it couldn't have
(22:17):
been to that.
But I think my mother-in-lawhad been called and she was just
like I have a feeling I need tocome.
So she got there right as I wasgetting rushed to the OR.
So now she's signing all thepaperwork, they're cutting all
my clothes off and getting me inthere and again like replace
all my blood and if I hadn'tbeen in there right then would
(22:40):
have died.
So that guy became my doctorthen.
This is just the theme now Canyou surgery on me?
You're my doctor.
So he was a maternal fieldmedicine specialist, so he was
great.
Just luck of the draw that hewas there and he was really
detailed.
I do have pictures I'd have tofind them of the tubal and
(23:02):
everything he was like.
It was about this big of what Itook out of you, and that was
after part of it had alreadyruptured and broken off when he
got in there, so, missing onetube, he was able to leave my
ovary so still had everythingwork in and went through,
(23:22):
scraped everything out and thensent me on my way.
Now that recovery was no joke.
I will say that that one was nofun, but at that point I don't
know.
I didn't really processeverything, it's just okay.
So when can we try to haveanother baby Cause, like before,
they were saying I was onlylike six more weeks.
And now what's the goal here?
(23:43):
And let's see, he said we couldstart trying to get in March.
Good that he wouldn't advise it.
When do we listen to doctors,though?
So March came around and hestarted trying for Sophie, first
plan baby.
Let's not as much fun as it is.
Just find out surprisingly.
And but it was still at thispoint.
(24:05):
Now we're being told you knowother stuff to get into you
cause you've only got the onetube.
So essentially every othercycle it's not going to matter
what you do.
So, and obviously, like hecould tell which cycle would be
the next one based on what thatwas from, so I knew that this
first cycle would mean nothingbecause I didn't have a tube
(24:25):
there.
So I was just going throughtrying to track everything and
all of that, since I now knowit's going to be harder and
April comes around and we'repregnant, and so I ovulated from
the side with no tube and ittraveled and was caught by my
other fallopian tube, becausescience is cool, so.
(24:52):
So if he's my miracle baby inmore ways than one.
So finding out I was pregnantwith her, I wasn't supposed to
start for like another, I don'tknow, like week, and I just I
went to bed and I'm like I don't.
I feel like I'm going to getsick.
I only get sick when I'mpregnant.
(25:14):
So in the morning came round, Itested it.
It was negative.
I'm like dumb, all right, fine.
Later that day my sister toldme she was pregnant.
I'm like, maybe, maybe I justlike had it because I knew you
were pregnant, and she's like,no, I bet you are too.
I don't think.
(25:34):
So it came back negative.
Like if I have symptoms, theysay you should be able to test
positive Like three days later.
I'm just full blown thick.
I'm like, okay, try again.
And I was pregnant and our twodates were three days apart.
So I, it was magical andperfect and my pregnancy with
her I wasn't as sick I couldsurvive, I had better medicine
(25:59):
available and I gladly took it.
And with her I did have I don'teven remember, I can never say
right Synthesis Pubus Disorder,essentially, you know, my hip
read way too early, so she wassitting way low, way early and
it just felt like she was goingto fall out all the time.
(26:21):
Essentially.
And my, my doctor being, youknow the specialist, was always
unavailable when, you know, Iwent in for appointments because
she was doing surgeries anddelivering babies.
So I would always just get tosee an nurse practitioner who I
didn't really care for and I'mtelling her, you know,
something's not right,something's not right, like it
(26:43):
feels like she is going to fallout of me and I was 25 weeks
like four days or something, atthis appointment that I had and
like I can barely walk.
It literally feels like she isjust hanging out, like I have to
walk with my legs all bowed,like I just can't do it anymore.
I either need to be put on bedrest or something.
(27:04):
I can't.
I can't move anymore.
And she was like you know, it'sjust because of this you need
to keep going back to physicaltherapy.
It'll be fine, okay.
And then three days later mywater broke at 26 weeks with
Sobi, and again.
Now I know that you don'timmediately have contraction,
(27:25):
However I'm not, so not supposedto have a baby for another 14
weeks.
So Q freak out.
6 am my toddler's awake.
I am walking around the housewith a towel between my legs
that I have to keep replacingevery five seconds and I called
my my mom.
She was already at work.
(27:45):
There was no coming to get meat that point.
My husband is already at work.
Luckily, my mother-in-law cameand got us and took us to the
hospital and stuff, because Ithought it was a I couldn't
drive.
It was.
I probably shouldn't drive LikeI don't know.
I mean the hospital's only likeeight minutes down the road,
but just the nerves, the shakingthe nerves.
You know everything and beingresponsible for my kid in the
(28:08):
backseat probably wasn't a goodidea.
So she drove about 80 miles anhour all the way there.
We made it there in about aboutfive minutes.
It was terrifying.
Never trusted riding before andthen definitely didn't after
that.
So we got there and then youknow they're anywhere, coming,
(28:29):
came up and again they're likeyou know it could just not be
your water, you could be peeingin your pants.
And she's like no, I don'tthink so.
I have done this before,remember, so I know what this is
and so you know.
Of course it was my water, butthis hospital only had a level
two NICU or something like that,and they were like for a
(28:52):
micro-premie you need to go uphere.
So that hospital's an hour awayfrom my house.
So my mother-in-law takes myson, my husband's coming back
and then he's gonna meet us upthere, and they're like it's not
, for you'll be until you havethe baby.
I'm like when are you gonnahave the baby?
Like once your water breaks,don't you have a baby.
So I had no idea that that washow that worked.
(29:13):
I just thought that she wasgonna be born.
So I didn't have contractionsright away, but they took me in
the ambulance there, which,right in the back of an
ambulance, is no fun.
I preferred last time when Iwas in college, that wasn't an
option this time, apparently souncomfortable.
(29:35):
Got up there, my husband has myphone.
I am just like here.
How do I tell you where I'm not?
Like you don't even know whereyou're going, so that, like
three hour, if they told him togo home shower, pack me a bag,
no one told me that.
They told him that.
So I'm trying to figure outwhere my husband is.
How do I get a hold of my kid?
Like what is going on?
(29:58):
And so I'm finally settled in.
I've met all the doctors, allthe nurses, and they've gone
through and gotten detailedhistory from my doctor and I
think at that point I was fourcentimeters dilated.
So you know, at that pointthey're like you'll hang out for
as long as you can.
(30:18):
The more you drink, the moresheeps and the more amniotic
fluid you have.
But you're just gonna keepleaking, like that's not cool,
you can't just like stow thatback up there or something, and
they don't think that.
So I was there for 12 days, 14days, 14, I don't know 27 weeks,
(30:42):
six days.
I went into labor.
Just woke up one morning.
I had normal 8 am monitoringand it's not a lot to do, you
know, in a hospital room byyourself, with the family an
hour away.
So most of the time I just satthere and watched the yeast.
So I was sitting in the bedwaiting for her to come in to
(31:04):
strap the thing to my belly notthat they could ever get
anything measured on her anyway,because I had no fluid and she
was all the way descended downas possibly far as she could get
.
So they were essentiallymeasuring her kicks and that was
about all they could get.
But it made them happy.
So, um, but yeah, I was justlike and I hadn't ever had early
(31:25):
contractions before becausewith Leung, by the time all the
pitocin and stuff kicked in, itwas 100% you are in full labor
and pain.
And so I was like is this, isthat it?
I think that's it.
It's just like.
If you have to question it likeat all, it's probably it.
So I spent like an hour tryingto figure out do I call my
(31:46):
husband, what do we do?
And she's like you're having areally tiny baby.
That baby is going to fly outof there, like, you need to be
prepared.
So all of them, um, you know,because of flu season and all of
that, we weren't allowed tohave, you know, anybody else in
the room, just the two of us.
So this was right before COVID,um, so 20 October 2019.
(32:10):
So she, um, she'd have comeright out by the time.
You know, I started contracting.
I was already at a seven life'sgood, it's like nine AM.
They're expecting.
I'm going to have a baby by 10.
My doctor is camped outside myroom.
She is reading a book onpostpartum hemorrhaging.
She's got, um, a whole likelibrary of books about
(32:35):
everything that's ever happenedin my chart and she is preparing
and I'm like, well, I feel safe.
So that's good.
Um, yeah, so they had a camera,what they called it.
They had some type of emergencyhemorrhage part or something
outside the room too.
So that way, if anything wereto happen, it's already right
there.
Um, and yeah, so we, you know, I, I was in labor.
(33:00):
It was far more painful thistime, somehow, with a, um, two
pound baby versus an eight poundbaby.
So it makes sense to that forme, um, except for the fact that
apparently, at one point inthis home you know being in
there and having no room and no,um you know, liquid to cozy
around in, she turned sunny sideup and her whole face was
(33:23):
caught on the bottom of mypelvic bone so she couldn't come
out.
But because she wasn't giant,she didn't tear anything, which
is great news, um, but it didtake.
Let's see.
So my, my contractions startedaround eight and she was born at
eight, 27 PM, so 12 hours todeliver a baby that big.
(33:50):
I was only in technical laborwith my son for eight hours.
I don't think that's fair.
It's not fair.
But she didn't try to kill meafterwards, so I'm going to give
her bonus points for that one.
So, um, she came out, she triedto, she tried to cry, but, um,
her face was all purple andstuff from being caught on my
pelvic bone and I went.
(34:12):
So, let's see, I was at a seven.
I finally begged for theepidural and my doctor was like
all right, you can have it.
You've been at a seven foraround nine hours now.
I think it's okay for you tohave that.
They're doing one now.
I'll come back.
I'm going to go delivering ontheir baby.
Okay, she walks out of the room.
(34:33):
Um, when yours have me roll overand all this thing, I felt and
I was prepared for the worst.
You know you, having a tinybaby, something's going to
happen, right?
Um, I felt a literal click inmy pelvis, which is apparently
her bone, her facial bone,coming out, dislodged from my
(34:54):
bone, and her descendingcompletely the rest of the way
down the birth canal in one goand one just push, because she
didn't need 10 centimeters tocome out, because she was not 10
centimeters.
So, um, she kind of swoopeddown there.
Um, my nurse.
I was like something's wrong,like her cord fell out,
(35:16):
something is hanging out of mybody.
And the nurse like, let's think.
She's like don't do anything.
What do you do?
Do not do anything.
And now I'm panicking even morebecause that's all she's saying
.
She's just tapping the thing onher.
Her vocera like call, call,call.
And so she finally gets thedoctor, the entire team, the
(35:37):
NICU team, comes running downthe hallway and I'm I was told
not to do anything.
I was told not to push.
My doctor comes in there andshe's like okay, I need you to
push.
I'm like, but there's somethingwrong.
She's like no, your baby's armhanging out, your baby's ready
to come out.
I'm like, I'm ready for you now.
She didn't want to deliver yourbaby without a NICU team in
here.
Your baby's good until itenters this world, and then it
(35:57):
needs help, okay.
So I opened my legs and thatbaby flew out of my body.
There was, there was no pushingrequired.
She flew and bed wasn't brokendown, nothing was set up.
They grabbed her, put her on mychest for a second, but she
needed help.
They took her and put her inthe bed and everything.
But I'm just looking at her.
(36:18):
I'm like what is wrong with her?
Greg, go over there.
What is wrong with her?
Her head was black and I didnot know what was going on.
It was a giant head full ofblack hair, jet, black, thick
hair.
Oh my God you said it would beme.
I scared me.
Nobody was telling me anythingand I'm like her head is black,
(36:41):
greg.
It is black and purple, likewhat is going on.
They're not telling youanything because they're trying
to get her intubated and stuff.
They're busy and get it, butcommunication would be cool.
Um air reference.
My son has platinum blonde hair.
It is so white that youcouldn't even call it yellow in
(37:04):
any way, shape or form.
He came out.
It was slightly orange, but itwas so blonde that you could
barely see it.
He just looked bald forapproximately six months.
I came out with blondish hair.
My husband came out withblondish hair.
What the heck is that doing onmy baby's head?
Like I was just absolutelyshook and so, after I was, my
(37:29):
husband just comes over bustingout laughing, which I think just
probably kicked me off more andI'm like what it's like?
It's her hair.
She can't have black hair.
So now we're preoccupied onthat.
They've got her intubated, theybring her over and let us look
at her, take her up to the NICU.
My doctor is while we're doingall that.
(37:50):
She is just so busy trying tomake sure that I'm not bleeding.
She's not going to be the oneresponsible for killing me.
So she's doing everything sheneeds to do.
They take her upstairs andeverything is good.
When I had three nurses inthere with me the entire first
four hours after I had her justmaking sure, I mean I have never
(38:11):
had so many funtal methodes inmy life.
I'm like you guys realize thatwasn't the problem, right, Okay,
but you know, and then you'rewaiting for news.
You're waiting, so you knowthey do everything with you, and
then they set you up with thepump and you're just waiting.
You can't, you can't go seeyour baby, and that was not not
(38:34):
natural, not not great in anyway, shape or form.
And so and we were finally ableto go up and see her just after
midnight and drop off the verylittle bit of colostrum you know
.
I was finally able to pump andshe was intubated and they had,
like you know, the lamp on herand everything and she's in
(38:55):
their incubator in her.
Her little foot was about thatyeah, big, and I still didn't
believe it.
So I pulled her hand off andlike, okay, which legitimately
hair?
Okay, and her face was allsorts of swollen still from
being stuck.
So she was really scary looking.
They explained everything and Ijust had the NICU tour like two
(39:19):
days before, so I knew how mosteverything was working in there
.
They did a really good job ofmaking you comfortable and they
were private rooms too.
So it was.
You know, we were in there.
They bring a pump in there.
They set you up.
You don't have to leave if youdon't want to.
There was no specific visitinghours.
You could stay the night if youwanted to, and then she was in
(39:40):
there for 98 days, 98 days anhour away from home.
I drove there every single day.
So for Liam it was kind of justto like I was going to work.
Still, he went to the hospitalbecause they discharged me two
days later.
(40:02):
Leaving the hospital without ababy was the worst feeling I've
ever had in my life.
So there was no way, nopossible way, I was going
anywhere other than back to thathospital.
Every day I took five monthsoff work and it was one of you
know those times where you'rejust somebody wants to help, but
(40:26):
they can't help.
You know, what are you going todo?
What are you going to be ableto?
Take my baby, make her allbetter?
And this little thinker is sweetas she is.
Everything has to be Sophie'sspeed.
Everything has to be just forSophie.
So she hadn't come home on afeeding tube, eventually G tube.
(40:48):
She made the first two years ofher life awful Because it would
take too much effort to eat,and she still believes that it
takes too much effort to eat.
But she eats enough now tosurvive what she refused to
before.
So she is a happy, healthy fouryear old, a tiny little one
(41:08):
she's only about 33 pounds nowof tiny little colness, but she
definitely gave us all the allthe scare.
I always say like that that wasthe end for me.
I don't think I could surviveanother pre-needling again If
she you know they told meessentially when I went back to
(41:31):
my doctor for my follow-up if my, if that nurse practitioner had
put me on bed rest and had hada circlosh because of my hip
spreading and her being so low,that whole time I had a weekend
cervix with no, nobody didanything, nobody listened.
So knowing better to advocatefor myself and also nothing
(41:55):
against nurse practitioners, butthat wasn't the right option
for a high risk pregnancy.
So demanding to just getrescheduled to when he was
available again Probably wouldhave been better, but she was
the deciding factor that therewas going to be no more babies
for you know a very, very longtime.
And then if there were, like Isaid, it would have been before
(42:17):
she was out of diapers, becausepotty draining, her, potty
draining the first one is easy,potty draining the second one is
a nightmare.
That's the truth, yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:29):
I'll go into that now .
So how was?
How was your mental healthduring all the NICU?
Speaker 3 (42:38):
That way.
I mean with Liam, there was no.
I mean again, postpartum wasperfect Baby, baby, healthy,
healthy.
Me was Sophie, um, yeah, I mean, it was the.
The guilt of I'm leaving my, myson, every day, I'm spending too
much time with her, and thenwalking out of that hospital
(42:58):
every day for 98 days without ababy again was just traumatizing
all over.
So, um, and I, I had, I pumpedfor her for 11 months, so it was
just constantly.
You know, I, I couldn't, itfelt like I was, I was, I was
like I couldn't do anything, youknow.
So, with her, um, I would say Ithink I may get approximately,
(43:21):
like, maybe like five, six daysbefore I knew that I needed some
type of help because I couldnot stop crying.
And they're like, well, youknow, like my husband, god love
him, but sometimes he's just aman, and I don't mean that
towards all men, but just thattypical stereotype man that does
(43:42):
not have any type of emotionalunderstanding.
He's like, of course you're anemotional, like you just had a
baby.
You know, like, this is anemotional, I just had a baby,
this is like I want to just grabour son and go live at the NICU
, and that's not rational, it'snot fair to him.
But we're going to move inthere and I'm not leaving and I
(44:03):
can't take my baby.
But if I do, like you know, Ican't take all the equipment and
I know that's where she needsto be.
But rationally I can't figureit out.
And they had their own NICUpsychologist.
She and I did not jibe well atall.
So when I had gone for mydoctor's appointment, she or he
(44:23):
prescribed a meeting with thisone that actually specialized in
postpartum mental health careand that was great and I've
worked with her for probablylike six months and that I mean
the NICU was on like floornumber six, just the number six
(44:46):
up until like six monthsafterwards just kicked me into a
tailspin and she got me out ofall of that and there was a lot
of I don't know like mindsetwhen pumping, that you know like
you're supposed to relax andrelease the oxytocin and look at
pictures of your baby.
And second, pumping was justagain like I don't know.
(45:09):
I, in a minute, I hooked up toa pump.
She was home for like fourmonths at that point and it was
still.
I was pumping in the NICU roomand the alarms were going off
and she stopped breathing and itwas.
It was every single time.
So working with her wasprobably the only thing that
(45:31):
kept me going.
I don't think I would have everharmed myself, but I think at
one point I think my body wouldhave just quit.
I think I could have induced aheart attack on myself from
stress and worry and you knowall those whatever that I can't
(45:51):
remember what they're calledanymore, which is probably a
good thing.
You know the thoughts of likeall terrible things happening.
I couldn't even drive Liambecause I was like that we're
going to hit, that there's goingto be an icy patch, we're going
to go over a bridge and we'reall going to die.
And I couldn't.
I couldn't drive with him forprobably like three months when
(46:17):
before I felt like supercomfortable again.
So I don't know.
I was very proud that I was ableto ask for help after her
because I knew I needed it and Idon't think I don't think my
life would be the same if Ididn't get it back then.
And I still see a differenttherapist that she recommended
(46:39):
because she's like I thinkyou've hit past.
You know all the postpartumthings, but I don't.
It's just the whole experienceand really the whole experience
with her is just afterwards withthe NICU and and with Liam, I
could relive the moments afterhis burst forever.
Anytime I close my eyes, soit's continually.
(47:01):
I mean he's seven and somechange and working through all
that.
So trying to come to terms witheverything and get it to a
point where it's just normal totalk about it.
You know, and I think, a bigthing with with Sophie, I think
another healing thing is youhear about people having
preemies all the time.
There's pages you can join.
(47:21):
How do I find someone?
Oh, did you also have a fatbaby that tore up inside you?
Or uterus too?
Did did that happen to you?
Can we bond over that?
No, no, you don't.
You don't find that one.
That one's not something thatyou can go to a support group
and talk to someone with.
So you know.
And then the topic.
I think that one I don't knowif that's one that's that was.
(47:46):
That's just something thathappened.
That was just another Tuesday,like at that point in my life it
didn't feel crazy.
You know it is what it is andat this point in my life I'm
I've been having a lot of it'snot endometriosis, adenomyosis,
(48:08):
apparently from all of myuterine happenings, and it's
also usually occurs aftersurgeries.
It's endometriosis, that'sinside of your uterus muscle,
not on the inside of your uterusor the outside, but on the
inside of the muscle.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So I just heard about this today actually.
Speaker 3 (48:30):
I had never heard of it.
Yeah, that was a made up thingthat my doctor said.
But after dealing with thatwithout knowing what it was for
like seven months, I'm aboutthree months away from finally
having everything just rippedout and.
I'm super excited.
I don't think a lot of peoplecan say that they're excited for
(48:51):
a total hysterectomy at the ageof 30, but I'm really excited.
I don't know.
I you know.
After, after Sophie, they werelike if you would like to be
alive for your kids, I wouldreally recommend not having any
more kids.
That sounds fair.
I agree, I support this.
My fange.
I will take you up on that.
(49:13):
Iuds are great, but IUDs do notstop this feeling that you are
in labor multiple times a week,so I will.
The things you have to do as awoman that just wants to have
your optional reproductivesystem ripped out.
(49:34):
The things you have to do to getthat sound clear A biopsy and
two more weeks of pelvic floortherapy.
Away from getting that finallyapproved through the insurance.
So hoping sometime springbreak-ish I can celebrate spring
break without a uterus.
(49:54):
So it's not doing any good.
I'm happy for you.
Speaker 2 (50:00):
Yeah, if it's going to help you, then I'm happy for
you to have that option.
Yeah, I mean, just like theNICU story is like just you can
prepare for birth, you canprepare for postpartum, you can
not prepare for a NICU.
Speaker 3 (50:16):
I mean I think I spent all you know however many
days it was before I went intolabor with her just on Facebook
joining like micro-premie groupsand looking at what did my baby
going to look like and I wastold she was a fat baby.
She was two pounds 12 ouncesand most babies, her gestation
(50:37):
were rocking right around, likeone pound, like five ounces, one
pound eight ounces.
But I had gestational diabetes,like apparently I say
apparently because it was Itested positive the day before
she was born.
I'm like, yeah, I'm sitting ina bed doing absolutely nothing,
with no exercise.
What do you want my body to doright now?
(50:57):
So, but I just had big babies.
I would have more big babies,I'm sure.
I mean, when she was dischargedfrom the NICU she was 10 pounds
nine ounces, the fattest NICUbaby you ever did see.
She had rolls, she upon rolls.
(51:22):
We could put her hair up inlittle piggy fails.
I mean she was a fat, cute baby.
Everybody just said why can'tyou bring her home?
Because she refuses to eat tolive.
And they're like, well then,how is she still fat?
Because we shove it down herthroat.
I mean the things that peopledidn't understand and that was
always worse.
(51:42):
I mean, my husband'sgrandmother will just bring her
home and feed her.
She'll eat when she's hungry.
You don't think the doctorstried that.
You don't think they tried that, audrey?
Yeah, she didn't eat for 12 anda half hours.
You know how angry a baby isafter they haven't eaten for 12
and a half hours.
They're really freaking angry.
Did that make her eat?
(52:03):
Absolutely not.
No, no.
So you want me to bring herhome and starve her and then go
back to the hospital.
That's what you want me to do.
And then, yeah, we gave her achance.
She had the NG tube for Tedlunch because I just couldn't
stand the thought of putting herthrough anything else.
You know, my body did this toher.
My body failed her.
Now I'm going to have to makeher have a surgery to get it
(52:26):
directly into her stomach.
That's not fair.
She's going to have that scarthe rest of her life because my
body couldn't support her.
That didn't feel and that's howI rationalized it back then.
I know that's not right now,but it was.
You know how I thought about it.
But what I mean.
You've seen babies and then whenthey're teething and what they
(52:46):
do with their hand a tube thatis taped to their face all day,
every day.
There was one day and it wasthe day, I finally called her
doctor and said we didn'tschedule that.
She pulled it out 27 times, 27times.
Her face was literally raw.
It was awful.
(53:06):
They screamed so much.
When you try to put it on thethroat and it was me and my
husband that were trained to putit in I would have to leave
work, come home and put it backdown just so we could feed her.
And you also can't get a 10month old that is learning to
walk, even though she's adjustedseven months old and trying to,
(53:30):
you know, go everywhere.
She weighed maybe like 16pounds.
She was the most hilariouslooking child ever.
Just because she was so little,people were like how old are
you?
Don't ask, it's a long story.
So, but yeah, I was like, okay,let's get it in, and I wish
(53:50):
they would have forced us to gohome on it.
Some hospitals do.
It's just it would have beenfar better for my mental health
not having to shove that thingdown her, not having to change
it regularly.
I mean having her G tube wasjust.
I mean she only had it for 14months.
So I mean I don't know if itwould have happened faster had
(54:14):
she not constantly had somethingdown she had done.
She did up until this July whenshe had her tonsils and stuff
out, have scar tissue in herthroat from having to have it
placed for over the course of 10months.
So when they were in there withher tonsils they scraped it out
.
My goodness she doesn't chokewhen she's eating anymore.
I mean I didn't know that westill had difficulties and stuff
(54:35):
aside from getting her to sitstill long after consuming a
meal.
But I mean she would get allcaught up just choking on food
and just seem normal.
But no, it's from the scartissue.
So they sent a tone with allthat and said I'm going, she'll
pick it up.
A lot of babies are juststressed in the NICU.
You know she'll catch on.
For 10 months there was nocatching on.
(54:58):
She didn't care.
She was not a baby, that youknow.
You put a bottle in her mouthand it was no.
Thank you, I don't want it.
But she's still gonna sit thereand scream that she's hungry.
So I don't know.
With her it was like after shegot that G tube it was almost
like you had a normal baby for asecond, except for, you know,
(55:18):
every couple hours you got to.
You know we put her in like oneof those little seats with,
like them tray in front of it soshe couldn't move.
Put her in that strop or downand all the things that you
learned in Facebook.
Like mom groups of other momsthat have G tube kids, and like
a cell phone holder.
You take the cell phone holder,you strap it to the back of the
(55:40):
chair, you put the littlesyringe in it because she was
gravity-fed.
We never had to have a pump.
She tolerated everything prettywell and you sit there and you
just sit behind her and you'dwatch whatever was entertaining
her.
It's mostly usually Coco Melon.
So JJ and I are not friends, butwe'd sit there and just pour
the milk in Watch.
Watch it go Pour the milk in.
(56:02):
It's been 30 minutes doing thatand she was good and it was
always super nice.
You know, when kids are sickand they don't want to eat or
drink I didn't have that issue.
You know, you just grab thebaby she's still sleeping in bed
you open everything up, you putit on and you feed her.
It's like this is cool.
I like this.
I almost wish we could havekept it a little bit longer, but
(56:24):
a very you know mobiletwo-year-old that liked to slide
down on her belly down thestairs.
She didn't care when it poppedout, but I couldn't stick that
thing back in anymore.
No, thank you.
So it was time.
Speaker 1 (56:39):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (56:43):
Well, thank you so much for sharing your stories,
and just you know how muchyou've gone through is a
testament to who you are andyour strength as a mom.
Speaker 3 (56:54):
So thank you so much Thanks for having me, I love you
.
Speaker 2 (56:57):
It feels good to share sometimes you know, with
other people that Okay benefitor at least understand, and we
can add your connection onsocial media or however, in our
show notes and that way peoplecan reach out to you if they'd
like.
Okay, thank you Samantha.
Thank you guys.
Thanks to you.
Speaker 1 (57:17):
Thank you for joining us on this episode of the
Golden Hour Birth Podcast.
We hope you've enjoyed ourdiscussion and found it
insightful and beneficial.
Remember, the Golden Hour BirthPodcast is made possible by the
support of listeners like you.
If you appreciate the contentwe bring you each week, consider
leaving us a review on yourfavorite podcast platform or
(57:37):
sharing the show with yourfriends and family.
Your support helps us reachmore people and continue
creating valuable episodes.
If you have any questions,suggestions or topics you'd like
us to cover in future episodes,we'd love to hear from you.
You can reach us on our website, www.
Goldenhourbirthpodcast, orconnect with us on social media.
(57:59):
We value your feedback and wantto make sure that we're
delivering the content you wantto hear.
Before we sign off, we'd liketo express our gratitude to our
incredible guests who joined ustoday.
We are honored that they trustus enough to be so open and
vulnerable.
We're grateful for their timeand willingness to share their
stories with us If you'reinterested in taking the
(58:19):
conversation further with us,join us on our Facebook group,
the Golden Hour Birth Circle.
We'll be back next week withanother exciting episode, so be
sure to tune in.
Until then, stay golden andremember to take care of
yourself.
We'll catch you on the nextepisode of the Golden Hour Birth
Podcast.
Bye.
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