6: The Pursuit of Purpose ft. Melissa Davis

This week, Melissa Davis shares her journey of overcoming grief and embracing the pursuit of purpose. From a love for fashion to navigating life's personal and professional challenges, including the unexpected loss of her father, Melissa embodies the essence of transformation.  Listen to her story of courage on our latest episode. 

Episode Transcript

Portia (00:00):
Hey, y'all, it's Portia and this is the golden time of

(00:04):
day podcast.
I have another special guest inthe house today, and I know I
usually jump right into myguests introducing themselves,
but I'm just going to give abrief background.
Melissa Davis is our guest todayand.
Melissa and I have known eachother since 1997, 9th grade in

(00:28):
high school.
So what's that?
About 27 years?
We do the math.
sounds like a really long timeand it is, but yeah, it's
Melissa and I have been friendsfor a very long time and I am.
I'm extremely excited to haveher here today to talk about

(00:49):
life, the lessons, theblessings, the ups, the downs in
her golden time of day.
So let's kick this off.
Melissa.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks for being here with me.
This is so crazy.
I know.

Melissa (01:06):
Like you just said, like we've known each other
since 90s.
That's crazy to even say it thatway.
I know.
Cause like internally, I don'tfeel the age that we are at all

Portia (01:19):
the other day and we talk

Melissa (01:20):
all the time.

Portia (01:21):
Yeah.
And the other day I had to like,say my age out loud to somebody
and I was taken aback when Isaid it, I was like, Oh, okay.
That's real.
Um, but yes, here we are 41 andfabulous about to get this
coming.
I know.
Right.
Okay.
So, let's go.

(01:43):
Who is Melissa Davis?
Ooh.

Melissa (01:51):
So, you know, most of us are multi dimensional, right?
So, when I think about MelissaDavis, Melissa A.
Davis, I always put the middleinitial.
Because Melissa and Davis aretwo extremely common names,
right?
How many Melissa's do you know?
And how many people do you knowthat have the last name Davis?
So, to set myself apart, Ialways make sure I put the A in,

(02:15):
which has now turned into like abrand, M A D, you know, I've
been what, Mad Fab or Mad FabStyle or since AOL days, you
want to talk about them since97, A I M, like I've always used
my initials to kind of brandmyself.
So, that's a huge part of who Iam, is my name and who I am, I'm
an only child to Charles andSharon Davis.

(02:40):
And being an only child, I'mvery close.
was very close with both of myparents and, you know, they met
in college many years ago.
They went to, they're both fromOhio.
So it's so interesting whenpeople are like, where are you
from?
Most of my family lives in Ohio.
and when they got married, theymoved around a few times and

(03:01):
then they settled in Buffalo,New York.
So I was born in Buffalo, NewYork, raised in Buffalo, New
York.
And then my parents got divorcedwhen I was very young and, you
know, my father moved on tosomeone else and, my mother
decided to just go back toschool and focus on herself.

(03:21):
And she got a job as a teacherin Rochester.
She always enjoyed education.
She's an amazing educator.
and she got a position inRochester, New York after
completing her second degree atMedi College in Buffalo.
And she moved us from Buffalo toRochester and in 97.

(03:44):
And so that's where, you know,that whole transition moving
from Buffalo to Rochester.
happened.
And, yeah, and that wholeexperience was a huge culture
shock because living in Buffalo,we had very humble beginnings,
extremely humble beginnings.
We lived actually after myparents got divorced and my mom

(04:04):
left, we actually moved to theprojects of Buffalo.
I'm not sure.
I know you went to college inBuffalo.
And, Pine Harbor Apartments isright downtown by the downtown
area of Buffalo and it was PineHarbor and Shoreline.
projects.
And I mean, it was rough.
And there was a school rightbehind there called Waterfront

(04:28):
Elementary School and was amagnet school.
And I went to the same schoolfrom kindergarten to eighth
grade.
And, um, so when I moved, whenwe moved from Buffalo to
Rochester, And we moved toBrighton, which is right outside
of Rochester.
It was a complete culture shock.

Portia (04:44):
Right.

Melissa (04:44):
I mean, we graduated high school together, Portia.
How many black kids graduatedour class?
What is it?

Portia (04:50):
I think we counted at one point, but

Melissa (04:54):
yeah, it

Portia (04:55):
wasn't that many of us.

Melissa (04:57):
It wasn't.

Portia (04:58):
It wasn't.

Melissa (05:00):
And so culture shock, and not only did we, did I go
from living in the projects,then moving to Brighton, New
York, where we graduated fiveblack kids in our class, it was
a predominantly Jewish highschool.
,and I definitely feel like thatall shaped who I was.
Getting that duality of justlike having humble beginnings to

(05:21):
something a little bit moreelevated.
which definitely curtailed thepalette that I have now.
It all makes sense.

Portia (05:29):
But you, I mean, you came there with your own little
style and all of that going on.
Like you kind of already were,you had your, your, you were
pretty confident in, in self andyou had your style and you kind
of brought some of that there.
Well, you got there.

Melissa (05:49):
I think back then we was wearing Fubu, Fubu,

Portia (05:54):
and Aniche.
You were wearing New York andCompany.
That's what you were wearing.

Melissa (05:58):
New York and Company for sure.
It was Lerner New York.
Lerner.
Right.
Yeah.
For sure.
I definitely had several BarrettSims.
The Wheat Constructs for sure.
Those was my favorite.
I didn't really like the othercolors.
But I definitely felt like itwas indicative of the time
where, where I was brought up inall of that for sure, And I felt

(06:20):
like that was different cominginto high school.
in that.
And, you know, I definitelythink that all of those
experiences and I feel like itwas such a blend because even
with my parents divorce and myfather moving on, he got with a
woman who I consider mystepmother.
They never legally got married.
Her name was Karen Jeffries.

(06:41):
And, you know, I still keep intouch with her.
she actually was a Delta, shewrote my Delta letter.
We'll get to that part, I guess,later.
but yeah, she was also aneducator and she had, a wealth
of different experiences anddefinitely liked the finer
things in life.
Which I felt like helped shapeme to who I am.
She would go to like Toronto andget fur coats, I remember that.

(07:04):
And just say, oh, you have to goto the fur district and get your
fur coats, it's so much cheaper.
And da da da da da.
And so I think a lot of that Ibrought with me, I think, you
know, obviously into highschool, um, my dad and, you
know, my stepmother also werevery instrumental in getting me
music lessons and teaching meabout black culture, in their

(07:25):
way, because, you know, a lot ofthe schools back then, they just
didn't teach us.
And just having pride inculture.
And I think that being exposedto the things that, like, my
stepmother exposed me to,obviously my mom and my dad, but
I think the three of them did areally good job at trying to
make sure that that co parentingrelationship, although not

(07:47):
ideal, was good because Whenyou're a child, that's the
priority, right?
So make sure that they are wellsituated, well adjusted.
And so getting music lessons,like I played the saxophone, I
played the piano, learningmusic.
I have a healthy appreciationfor music.
And although I didn't continueon that track again, it was the

(08:07):
cultural element that I gleanedfrom and being able to know
things and learn things.
The historical background aboutmusic, I think is extremely
important.
And I think, you know, that allhelps shape.
The woman that I had become andthen of course, after high
school, because I'm like, okay,I definitely want to get exposed

(08:30):
to more black cultural things.
Like I had such a hunger forthat and you know, Brighton was
cool.
Brighton taught us a lot.
Right.
Yeah.
But it did teach us the roots ofwho we are as black people.
In the way that I didn't getuntil I decided to attend an
HBCU.

(08:51):
So I think we started, what,when did we go to that college
tour?
Sophomore year.
That was, that

Portia (08:56):
was junior year.
Yeah, we were 11th grade.
Yeah.
It was good, but we didn't,well, it was, we didn't, I don't
know if you went to visit Clarkat a different time.
We didn't get to, we didn't godown to the downtown south
college tour.
We did Penn did the Pennsylvaniatour.
Maryland, DC Virginia.

(09:17):
Right.

Melissa (09:18):
Oh, for the listeners.
I know for the listeners, Portiaand I went on a college tour and
that college tour, although, soI remember it was every other
year, depending on like theregions in the states that, um,
Ms.
El Amin did, right?
So the year we went, she did theNorthern HBCU.
So from Pennsylvania down toVirginia, Maryland is where it

(09:41):
stopped.
And then the opposite year, shewould do.
Maryland down to Florida.

Portia (09:45):
Right.

Melissa (09:47):
So, interestingly enough, the Northern HBCUs, I
did not, I did not attend.
I ended up going into, going toClark Atlanta University, but
that college tour was so pivotalfor, I think, all of us that
attended.
Because it showed us, like, thecampus life.

(10:10):
We went, like, during when theywere in class.

Portia (10:12):
Yeah.

Melissa (10:13):
And we got full tours from, um, their orientation, you
know, people that, you know,would show us the, the campuses.
And I remember us being able totake like pamphlets and being
able to read up on everythingand really being able to decide
like, if this is the path thatwe want it to go down, right.

Portia (10:33):
And

Melissa (10:35):
after attending that college tour, I was completely
sold for sure.

Portia (10:40):
Yeah, me too.
Um, yeah, I mean.
I was, I didn't go to HBCU, butI really, really, really enjoyed
that tour.
For clarity, we, we went to,Lincoln in Pennsylvania, Cheney
in Pennsylvania, Morgan State inBaltimore, Bowie State, Howard.
We didn't get a formal tour ofHoward, but we were able to stop

(11:03):
by.

Melissa (11:04):
Yeah, that's right.
We went to Norfolk

Portia (11:07):
State and Hampton.
Did I miss any?
I think that's it.

Melissa (11:16):
I think that's it.
That was a good, that was a goodstretch of schools that we
attended.
And it was so organized becauselike we had the different hotels
that we stayed in.
I remember we went and stoppedin Philly.
We had Philly cheesesteaks.

Portia (11:29):
We did stop in Philly.
I remember now.
Yes, we did.

Melissa (11:34):
But yeah, we, we stopped there and we referenced
that college tour often, likeone of the pivotal times we talk
about the golden time of daythat definitely was, I think the
start of like several differentgolden times, you know, deciding
where I wanted to go to collegewas so Important.
And for me, it wasn't an option.

(11:54):
Both of my parents met incollege.
They went to Ohio university.
So, and their best friends incollege are my godparents, you
know, to this day, you know,they're all still tight, you
know, and I was going tocollege.
That was what it was.
Right.
So my father and stepmotherdidn't stay together and he

(12:16):
ended up moving to Atlanta whenI was in high school.
I think I was a sophomore.
When he moved to Atlanta and atthat time he said, well, since
you didn't get a chance to seeany of the Georgia schools, I'm
going to create your own littlecollege tour.
So spring break of, I don't knowif it was my junior or sophomore
year, he had me visit.

(12:40):
All of the schools like in theimmediate area.
So we set up like you can callahead as a parent, you can call
ahead and say, you know what,can I request a tour and they
can set it up for you.
So he did that for a few of theschools.
So we did Georgia state.
We did, um, Kennesaw state.
which I really liked Kenesawbecause I had a really good
business program, um, GeorgiaTech.

(13:03):
And then he ended with Spelmanand Clark Atlanta.
And I remember specificallyClark being the last school.
And because I had a friend thathad gone to, um, the church I
attended in Rochester.
Kayla had gone to Spelman, so Ihad just called her because she

(13:24):
was a little older than us and Ivisited her when she was at
Spelman and spent some timethere.
And so that was kind of like mylittle mini tour with her.
And then the last school Ivisited was Clark Atlanta.
And I really liked it because itwasn't just an all girls school
like Spelman was, but it wasstill the HBCU that I kind of
really wanted to experience.
Like, I craved that.

(13:45):
And so, funny story, and this isa true story of how I got into
Clark.
My father's, my father's bosswas dealing with somebody in the
restaurant.
Oh my gosh.
Yep, it's a true story.

(14:05):
Oh gosh.
My father's boss was dealingwith somebody in the registrar's
office.
I'm not going to say thisperson's name.
And because they had like alittle thing, he was like, yo,
that's how my dad would talk.
Yo, you know, I'm gonna see whathe can do.
Cause I didn't have the bestgrades in high school.
That was another thing.
Like when I went to Brighton,like.

(14:25):
That transition from like theschool I came from to like this
very high standard school, Istruggled.
So my grades in high school werenot the best.
And so we were just trying tolike, see how I can get in with
the grades that I had.
And so he was like, I think Ican make a call.
Right.
That was his head thing.
And he did.
He did.
He made a call.
And she was able to pull a fewstrings and that's how I got

(14:48):
into Clark.
True story.
Okay.
I, I don't think I knew that.
And the rest, as they say, washistory.
The rest, as they say washistory.
I.
Loved my Clark Atlantaexperience.
I wear Clark on my back.
I was just volunteering justthis past weekend at a college
fair representing Clark Atlanta.

(15:10):
I loved everything about it.
And just like my parents havingtheir closest friends that
they're still friends with, likea lot of my really close friends
are my college, friends thatI've had.
I pledged at Clark Atlanta.
I'm a member of Delta SigmaTheta Sorority Incorporated,
proud member for now 20 years.
We just celebrated 20 years.
And it's like a family.

(15:30):
One of the things that I lovethe most is that Clark is really
like a family.
It's not a huge school likeNorth Carolina A& T or Howard or
Hampton, but the population thatwe do have gives you the
opportunity to make real,genuine, intimate connections.
And that's important.
So important.
So when we go back tohomecoming, it's literally like
a family reunion.

Portia (15:51):
Right.

Melissa (15:52):
And we're also very proud and our notable alum is
like extensive.
You got Kenya Barris, PinkyCole, the list goes on, but then
you've got some of the older,graduates, Carter G.
Woodson, things like that, Thehistory is just crazy because it
was Atlanta University and ClarkCollege that merged.

(16:13):
We're the only university in thea UC.
So there would not be a U in thea UC if it wasn't for the C or
the A.
Spelman College.
Morehouse College.
There are colleges.
We Clark Atlanta, we can confirmmasters in doctoral degrees.
Where the other colleges cannot.

(16:33):
No shade.
We love each other.
But that just, to me, makes usthat much more special and makes
us as graduates that much moreproud.
So that's that.
And then after graduation, Imajored in fashion merchandising
and design, which was kind ofodd cause I started as a

(16:54):
business major.

Portia (16:55):
Was it odd though?

Melissa (16:58):
Um,

Portia (17:00):
now, why do you say because, because I mean, you
loved fashion, right?
And I don't feel like that wasan odd major for you.
Didn't you have like a minor ortwo though?
Like,

Melissa (17:18):
yes.
So.
That's actually, this, thisactually just triggered a
thought.
I had applied, when I wasapplying for colleges when we
were in high school, I hadapplied into FIT and got in.
I remember.
I don't remember.
You went to, yeah, you went to,um, Stony Brook.

Portia (17:38):
Yes, for a year.

Melissa (17:40):
In New York.
So, this will tell everybodyabout timing, right?
Because you know what I'm aboutto say.

Portia (17:47):
Why didn't you go to FIT?

Melissa (17:49):
Because my parents were like, Oh, where are you going to
live?
They weren't very familiar withNew York city, you know?
And like, where are you going tolive?
You know, you, you would need anapartment.
You're still so young.
And FIT was only a two yearschool at that time.
And they really wanted me to goto a four year university.
I

Portia (18:09):
didn't even know that.
Like, I didn't even know.
Yes.
It was only a two year school.
Let me tell you

Melissa (18:13):
about timing because it is 2001

Portia (18:16):
now.
Yeah.

Melissa (18:19):
You know what I'm about to say.

Portia (18:20):
Yeah.
So.
Remember where I was at.
It

Melissa (18:23):
was September 11th.
Right?
Yes.
September 11th, that fall, Inever forget my mom was like
bawling when it all happened.
Of course, a huge tragedy thatthe, that the country, the world
had experienced, right?
And she was just like, you wouldhave been right there.
Yes.
Technically she's right.

Portia (18:42):
You, yeah.

Melissa (18:43):
If I had attended FIT, she's like, you would have been
right there.
So everything really does happenfor a reason.
And that was one of those thingsthat I was just like, Oh, wow.
Right.

Portia (18:59):
Yeah.
I mean, I was like an hour and ahalf away.

Melissa (19:03):
Yeah.
Like, cause I remember callingyou and phones, of course,
weren't working.
Then

Portia (19:09):
no

Melissa (19:10):
one could get through.
But I remember calling youspecifically because I'm like,
she could be going to lunch.
Oh my God.
It was crazy.

Portia (19:17):
Like I wasn't directly affected, but I was.
It was, you know, third partyaffected, you know, several of
my people that I knew theycouldn't get home.
Yeah.
My roommate lived on StatenIsland.
She couldn't get home.
Like there were people that Iknew that knew people that were

(19:38):
affected or unfortunately passedaway, you know, or couldn't be
found in the rubble.
Like it was, it was, yeah.

Melissa (19:49):
Absolutely.
It is, um, not lost on me.
The, the way that God covers usin ways that we don't see and in
the way that we have to trustthat there is a bigger plan at
play and timing is everything.
So, Yes, I have always lovedfashion, wanted to go to FIT.

(20:14):
That's like the one of the topschools, right?
We lived in New York state.
Why not?
And it was in state fees, right?
But my parents stopped it.
They just was like, nah, I thinkno.
Right.
So I go to Clark.
I'm still getting what I wantedbecause it's the HBCU.
And I remember going down fororientation that August.

(20:37):
We had settled on it, and by theway, I had applied to a bunch of
HBCUs, I only got accepted intotwo because of my grades.
Clark Atlanta being one of thosetwo that I got accepted into.
And so it was like meant to be,I really wanted to make that
work and it was meant to be.
And so we get there and we'redoing the orientation and I

(20:59):
never forget again, this issummer 2001.
Aaliyah dies.

Portia (21:05):
So many things happened.
Two weeks

Melissa (21:07):
later, yes, Aaliyah dies in the plane crash.
And then two weeks later, it'sSeptember 11th.
So our generation, we're liketraumatized still going.
Yeah.
Because we're going into like,into all of this, right.
Just to start our collegecareer.

(21:31):
And I think this is a big reasonwhy we're so resilient.
Because we've just experienced alot in a young, at a young age,
at a very young age.

Portia (21:39):
And still experiencing.
It's not fair.

Melissa (21:42):
It's been a lot.
And these are things that youcan share with your children,
like, this is what we'veexperienced.
These make the stories of, whatour parents talk about,
different things that theyexperienced, the civil rights
movement or whatever, like.
My grandmother talks about thegreat depression, like all of
these things that, this was ourpivotal generational thing,

(22:05):
these huge.
Life changing world changingthings.
So anyway, so back to that.
So love that did major at ClarkAtlanta Fashion Merchandising
and Design after Starting off asa business major.
So I had most of my credits inbusiness So I did keep that as a

(22:27):
minor and changed my majorOfficially my junior year and I
had to play catch up because,you know, I had basically spent
half of my time there, in thebusiness school.
I was miss business school mysophomore year.
Like I was, really heavy intothat.
I was like gonna be anentrepreneur.
That's what it was going to be.
But the fashion thing justalways kept calling me, I guess.

(22:48):
And I loved it.
I loved all of my classes.
I think that once I changed mymajor, like school and classes
and like my time became.
a lot easier for me.
Things made more sense.
I signed up for an internshipthrough another university.
We have, um, I crosseduniversity connections with
other schools.

(23:09):
So I had an internship throughAIU to go to London.
So I spent an entire summer inLondon and I interned at a
company called Modus Publicity.
It was a fashion PR andmarketing company because I was
more, not necessarily heavy onthe design element.
I didn't want to be a designer.
I really wanted to get intofashion merchandising, fashion
business.

(23:30):
And so that was something that Iwas really passionate about.
And I did that and it was anamazing, amazing time.
I remember coming back from myinternship, like feeling so
energized about my future and mycareer and, you know, all of
those things like.
Everything's going to be great.

(23:50):
And now it's time to find a job.
Right.
What are we going to do?
Right.

Portia (23:55):
The hard part.

Melissa (23:56):
I did everything right.
I'm checking all the boxes.
Right.
I did the internship.
I, you know, grades now.
And what do we do?
So that part was tricky.
Finding, like, that job, right?
Because in my mind, I'm supposedto be living this big, fabulous

(24:16):
life.
I'm supposed to be a buyer on,in New York, you know, on 5th
Avenue, and having this fabulousapartment.
Like, I'm supposed to be likeChristina Applegate in Don't
Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead.
Like, I'm supposed to be that.
Or Lisa Turtle from, uh, SaveMyself.
That was what I was, like, mylife was supposed to be that,
right?
Mm hmm.

(24:38):
No, it didn't happen that way.
It did not happen that way.
So after college, I startedworking.
at Bloomingdale's in Atlanta, atLenox Mall.
And I got into like a managementtraining program.
And so like, that was like thebest I could do with what I had.
And I had this internship andlike, they were like, okay,
well, here's this retail job.

(24:58):
And I worked at Bloomingdale'sfor four years,
yeah.
In all different departments.
I started off in shop for women,then I worked in domestics.
And then my final departmentthat I worked was in the
cosmetics department.

(25:22):
I met these, I met all kinds ofdifferent people.
In fact, real talk, Kim, she wasat the Estee Lauder counter.
It's so, it's so amazing to seeher story.
It's crazy.
Everybody follows her.
But I remember when she wasworking at the Estee Lauder
counter.

Portia (25:34):
Oh, she was working there.
All

Melissa (25:36):
up in there.

Portia (25:36):
Oh, I didn't know she worked there.

Melissa (25:40):
Yep.
And so proud of her journey.
She's amazing.
And you know, her walk and herfaith with, with God.
You know, she definitely has astory.
Everybody has a story, butthat's just around the time
frame that we worked there.
And I mean, we met everybodythat would come in there.
Usher would come in there andshop.
Yeah, Lennox.

Portia (25:58):
Lennox is

Melissa (25:59):
absolutely, you know,

Portia (26:01):
the place to be.

Melissa (26:03):
Absolutely.
And again, just like the peoplethat I still keep in touch with
in grade school, high school, myBloomingdale's family.
I still keep in touch with them.
I still keep in touch with them.
I think a common thread in mystory is the, the gift of
connection in the longevity ofthe connections that I keep.

(26:29):
My father taught me at a veryearly age, don't throw people
away.
And the connections that I have,my network is Very, very large.
And I don't take it for granted.
And I don't try to capitalize onmy network because I know all
kinds of different people.
Some people are famous, mostpeople are just salt of the

(26:50):
earth, right?
But I genuinely look at theheart of people and my one on
one connection with those peopleto me is like one of my
superpowers because I've beenable to have that longevity.
Like at Homecoming, I saw twopeople that I used to work with
from Bloomingdale's and I wasable to kick it with them under

(27:12):
the tent and it was so greatseeing them.
And we reminisced on those dayswhen I worked, when we all
worked at Bloomingdale's.
And it's just amazing that thatlongevity of connection has just
been the sustainable thread, Iwould say.

Portia (27:27):
Quick question, did you and I know, like you mentioned,
the resilience of ourgeneration.
And of course, so many of us maynot have been able to take the
paths that we envisioned forourselves when we graduated
college.
Do you ever like mourn what yourcareer, what you wanted it to

(27:51):
be?

Melissa (27:51):
I used to not anymore.
Like, I'm not working in fashionat all anymore.
Right.
Um, I used to, and, and I thinkthat it's because I have now
realized that the path that wemay have wanted may not be the

(28:13):
path that God has for us.

Portia (28:16):
Yeah, that's what I realized recently, too.
And I

Melissa (28:19):
think the moment we accept that, the more we walk in
alignment with the path that islaid for us.
I think it's a part of the pathand two things can be true at
the same time, right?
I worked in it.
I worked in it.
I did it.
Was it to the capacity that Iultimately wanted?
Probably not, but I can say I'vehad the experience in it.

(28:42):
But there were times and I thinkwe're going to get to that when
I got laid off the first timethen we're getting the series of
layoffs.
When I got laid off the firsttime was with Bloomingdale's and
I was really, that was the firsttime I've been laid off.
I was devastated and I wasyoung.
I didn't have a lot of moneysaved.
I moved back to Rochester.

(29:02):
This is like 2009 Obama had justgotten a knock.
So from the time we graduatedcollege, So then I was living in
Atlanta, that whole time.
So I was devastated.
I didn't want to come back toRochester for what?
I

Portia (29:18):
know.
I

Melissa (29:19):
remember.
Who's there?
Who there?
I was there, girl.
Who there?
You were there, and because wehad such a history of
friendship, it was like, that'scool.
But it was like getting used tobeing back.
First of all, the weather.
Let's talk about that.
I mean, you were

Portia (29:35):
gone.
I mean, let's just Keep it abuck, like 2001 to 2009, like,
yeah, you were in college.
You may have come home for, youknow, a break or two, but for
Atlanta was where you had been.
So that was another.
Transition.
I mean, having to come backhome.

Melissa (29:55):
Absolutely.
And what I, I also didn'tmention, cause I want to make
sure this, the holistic lens ofwhat we're talking about is
during that time, I also wentback to school and got my
master's the year after Igraduated at AIU because I had
the internship there.
I had an in, right?
So the internship that programthat I did my junior year, they
had all of my information andthey had a master's program.

(30:18):
They had a campus in Buckheadnear my job.
So I would get, I got myschedule, shout out to Corey who
I still talk to.
He was my manager at the time.
He was able to work my scheduleout so that I could get off and
go to classes at night.
And I did that I was in an 18month master's program and got
my MBA during that time as well.

(30:38):
So imagine now being laid offand I have this whole master's
degree that I had just gottentwo years prior and I'm like,
what?
I didn't have a lot of moneysaved.
My whole financial whatever wasjust like, what?
And then I just was like, theonly thing I could do is go back
home.

(30:58):
And I couldn't, my dad livedthere, but like my dad was very
much the like Rolling Stonetype.
And I just was like, nah, I justneed a little bit more
stability.
And just, yeah.
So.
My mom was like, just come home.
So I did.
And I think during that time,Portia, is when I was very much

(31:21):
grieving and mourning the lifethat I had in Atlanta and the
industry that I loved so much,which was fashion.
And like, Rochester just didn'tgive me any of that.
So I felt like we went into awhole creative space at that
time.
Like, how can I bring fashion tome?

(31:42):
So I started a blog.
I started a blog.
You definitely

Portia (31:45):
made the best of it.
Yes,

Melissa (31:49):
I did.
It's called the fabulous MadHatter.
I had, two people that were,helping with the blog.
And, it was great cause I wasable to leverage.
digital stories.
And this was right around thetime like Nicole Bicci was
starting, Fashion Bomb Daily wasstarting, like all at the same
time.
And, it was very small, butmighty.

(32:13):
And, I had a consistent postingschedule.
I learned a lot about likeTwitter was heavy at that time
and how to post and how to getthings scheduled and how to
publish.
And I taught myself differentkinds of coding, because we were
using, what was it called?
Blogs, blogspot.
com.
Yeah.

(32:34):
I was using blogspot, but Iwanted to elevate it because
they have very basic templates.
So I like taught myself code.
I think it was like C plus plusat that time.
That sounds about right.
And, I had a men's editor andthen I had a women's editor and
we had meetings and everything.
And I was like the head of it.
I had these, flyers and I wasdipping my toe into brand

(32:57):
partnerships too at that time.
Like, how can I partner withdifferent people to kind of get
into, these different spaces.
And so I still had this networkin Atlanta.
So.
Anytime I would come into town,I would be like, can I like co
sponsor or can I help out orwhatever, just to get my logo
and my name out there.

(33:20):
And then of course, theRochester market, although
small, they had some strongcreatives there.
I will say one thing aboutRochester that is very, very
prominent is like a lot ofpeople are entrepreneurs

Portia (33:30):
and

Melissa (33:32):
learning how to properly set up a DBA and a
business and an LLC, like Peoplein Rochester were beasts at
that, for sure.
And, so I got heavily involvedin that.
Also looking for, full time workbecause starting a blog wasn't
really generating a lot of moneyand I needed to pay my bills.

(33:53):
And so, I started looking, Ibasically sat in the house
looking for work and blogging.
And so, I eventually did getanother job.
with a company, I'm not going tosay that company's name.
And I worked at that company forsix years.

Portia (34:13):
Yeah, you gave them a lot of time.

Melissa (34:19):
A lot of time.
And this particular company wasmore in tech and mobility.
I'll just say that.
So I'm using a completelydifferent brand because I never
worked in like tech anything.
That started my projectmanagement career because they
would have me do specialprojects and then understanding
the IT mindset.

(34:39):
Right.
And I think at that time.
Tech was really starting to rampup.
You got the Googles of theworld, the, the apples of the
world.
And I'm in it, like we're in itbecause the company that it was,
we're in it from a mobilityperspective, but we're in it.
So it really kind of like, okay,then it's course there's the

(35:00):
money, right?
So the money's a lot better.
And I'm like, Oh, I can reallymake this shake.
So I'm blogging.
I'm working at this company.
Things are going well, and I'm,I'm doing quite well at this
company.
So the better I did in mycorporate life, the less and
less time I was able to devote.

(35:22):
To the blog.
So I was like in this balancingact of like trying to figure out
what does that look like.
And then through me wanting todo partnerships and sponsoring
and then marketing through the,the name of like the blog, I got

(35:43):
myself into some trouble andPortia got me out of it.
It wasn't your fault.
I feel like I need to tell thisstory because I've never talked
about this publicly.
I feel like I need to tell thisstory.
So I was very much into brandpartnerships before it became
like a thing.
Yeah.
I was producing a fashion show.

Portia (36:00):
Yeah.
You were doing a lot.
You were doing the marketing PRbranding umbrella.
Like you were doing events.
You were, you had the blog likeyou were doing.
He was making a shake the timethat you, the time that you were
in Rochester, I will say thatyou used that time wisely.

Melissa (36:23):
And the brand was elevating, like the Fabulous Mad
Hatter, like, you know, and thenit was, I abbreviated to TFMH.
TFMH was definitely, we were,really trying to get out there.
I had a presence at the factthat the magic show in Vegas,
the male editor, he would go toVegas.
My female editor was still inAtlanta.
I'm in the New York area.
So like we would come together.

(36:44):
It was really like, we, wereally had the blueprint of
making it so much even biggerthan what we did.
And so I was producing thesefashion shows.
I did several fashion shows andthis one particular fashion
show, I was supposed to book thetalent in this particular
talent.
They wanted Lauren London.
So I used my resources to get intouch with Lauren's people and

(37:07):
pay the deposit.
And it was a whole scam.
I

Portia (37:11):
thought it was Angela.
It was

Melissa (37:12):
not her people.

Portia (37:13):
Wasn't it Angela Simmons?

Melissa (37:17):
That was the second choice.
Oh, okay.
First choice.
No! The first person wassupposed to be in London and
like, I genuinely thought I hadthe right right because I
reached out to my contact.
This wasn't like a blind thingand I'm representing a client.
So I'm like, perfect.
We got her.
Pay the deposit.
Oof.
It was a whole game.

(37:41):
I probably have not been soembarrassed in my entire life
since then.
I've been embarrassed before,but I was so embarrassed.
I was embarrassed for variousdifferent reasons because I also
worked in my corporate life withthe clients and we had taken it
off line to do this project,which was this fashion show was

(38:05):
a charitable fashion show and Ihad to, I had to tell the client
like that I lost their depositand that the talent was not
coming.
All this advertising had goneout that this particular person,
Lauren London was coming.
And then eventually LaurenLondon's people, actually the
real Lauren London's people werelike, We are so sorry.

(38:25):
That's, but that was

Portia (38:26):
not us.
Not us.
Hmm.

Melissa (38:29):
I was so sick.
Sick, So I had to come up withthe po I had to, I had to
reimburse the client out ofpocket.
Mm-hmm And I had to do itquickly because we worked in our
corporate life together.
And I'm like, this could be uglyreally quick.
So.
Devastated.
Devastated.

(38:50):
And so, um, anyway, you, Portia.
Does Portia work in PR in LA?
She don't talk about that, butI'mma tell, I'mma tell the
listeners, Portia.
I was like, she's worked in PRfor years, LA, New York,
Atlanta, you've worked a fewdifferent places and you were

(39:13):
the one that got me the rightconnection for another talent.
He was also very much okay withthe second option was Angela
Simms.
He loved her.
And I think that it ended upworking out even better.

Portia (39:23):
Okay.
Yeah.
So it's coming back to me now.
Okay.
Got it.
Yeah.

Melissa (39:26):
Yes.
We were able through yourconnection with able to connect.
Her manager was a soror, so onceI found that out, it was an
alley oop, like I picked it upand ran with it and it was
perfect.
And we were able to book hersecurity shout out to feel safe
in Rochester, who I would alwaysuse to do my security for any of
the talent that I would book.

(39:46):
Um, It was amazing.
It was amazing.
We put her at the nicest hotel.
Her writer was real simple.
She was very not fussy, veryapproachable, very amenable.
One of the best talent.
And like, when we would booktalent, we would book
everything.
We did full glam.
We booked KP to do her makeup.
We booked Gina to do her nails.
feel safe in her security.

(40:07):
Um, so when I tell people, likewe know people from like, when
they first started, I'm so proudof everybody.
Cause these individuals have nowblown up KP.

Portia (40:16):
I

Melissa (40:19):
mean, everybody, and we remember him when he was at the
Mac counter at marketplace,like, and he's still the same,
like.
So humble, so sweet.
Um, and that's what we weredoing back then, back then.
And I learned a lot from thatexperience.
And thank you for getting me outof that.
But again, connection, like hadI not known you and your

(40:41):
background and everything thatwe've been through.
Personally, not professionally,like that was huge, huge just to
be like, girl, I need some help.

Portia (40:52):
Yeah.
And shout out to Angie, AngiePearson, who I called, I kind of
made her my mentor, unofficialmentor, but she was my PR
connect who taught me a lotabout the business.
She's worked with celebritiessince the eighties, nineties and
still does.
And she provided.

(41:15):
A lot of women in PR withcontacts and provided a platform
for people to reach out to otherpeople when they needed
contacts.
So that's how I was able to dothat too.
So shout out to Angie.

Melissa (41:31):
For sure.
For sure.
And I was forever grateful.
I've never talked about thispublicly because I was still so
embarrassed, but I think it'spivotal.
I think the theme here.
And I keep going back is thepower of connection, the power
of being able to pivot, or justunderstanding that like there is
a bigger power at play and tocontinue to walk forward in the

(41:55):
path that God has for you.
Like I'm very much all about thebusiness of whatever God has for
Melissa, that's what I'm doing.

Portia (42:03):
Right.

Melissa (42:04):
I don't know what it is all the time, but that's the
vibe I'm on.
That's what I'm doing over here.
So, um, so that was that.
So where are we at now?
Timeline wise?

Portia (42:17):
Uh, Rochester and you haven't moved yet.
You haven't moved, but you aboutto move.
I have not

Melissa (42:23):
moved yet.
I have not moved yet.
So let's speed this up a littlebit.
So I'm like, I can't stay hereno more.
I can't live here no more.
What are we going to do?
So, because I had my MBA, Iwould get, and I was, I had been
a part of the national black MBAassociation for years, still am.
And, they have conferences everyyear.

(42:44):
So 2013, I attended the nationalblack, MBA conference and it was
in Houston that year.
My line sister, Deanna, who'sone of my best friends, she was
also going.
So it was a no brainer.
I was like, let's do it.
So I went down there and I setup, you can set up pre
interviews depending on how wellyour resume is received because
it's a whole process prior tothe conference.

(43:04):
And I had been paying to haveinterviews with Bank of America.
And coke.
So I'm like, okay, perfect.
This sounds right up my alley.
I think one other company.
So I took vacation from thatcorporate job, and went down
there for a week for nationalblack NBA conference.
And, it was great.

(43:25):
So bank of America wasdefinitely looking at me.
They were headquartered inCharlotte.
I met a few people there, um,that I'm actually still cool
with to this day from thatconference.
And then for Coca Cola, CocaCola was definitely like, we
want you to come to this privatereception.
You get a plus one.
Well, Deanna did not, she wasn'teven tapped in to them.

(43:48):
And I said, Deanna, you want tocome with me to this conference?
So the, private reception fromCoke, she said, absolutely.
Do you know, they didn't recruitme.
They liked me just fine.
They ended up recruiting her.

Portia (44:00):
I'm glad she went.

Melissa (44:02):
And she worked for Coke for like eight years.

Portia (44:05):
That's

Melissa (44:05):
a true story because I brought her along.
And so I came home not having ajob and I was like, man, it was
still a great experience, greatconnections, but I didn't land
anything from the conference.
The company that I worked for,they got wind that I.
was looking for work.
So they came at me like, listen,we got this opportunity and what

(44:32):
do you think?
And so both of the opportunitieswere out of town.
One was in Texas and one was inCharlotte, full relocation, but
it was a lateral move.
So I would basically stay in thesame world that I was in.
But just in a different city,but it was a full relocation
package,

Portia (44:49):
and you know, these companies don't do it like that

Melissa (44:52):
anymore.
Not really.
Not anymore.
So I chose Charlotte because itwas closer and I moved to
Charlotte January of 2014.
So this January will be 11 yearssince I've been in Charlotte.

(45:14):
I know it went by really quick,but yeah, long

Portia (45:17):
time, long time.

Melissa (45:19):
And I stayed with that company an additional year and a
half before I left and got intomy full project management
career.
And so I have been.
Doing project managementofficially since a year and a

(45:39):
half after, I left that company.
And it just made sense, likeproject management, like from an
organizational mitigation forrisk, planning perspective
really spoke to a lot of theskills that I had learned from
that company.
And again, the math was muchmore mapping at that time.

(46:03):
And I'm like, yeah, I canreally, really make this into a
for real career.
And so that's what I did.
And then that's when the otherlayoffs started to happen.
So now I'm making money, likemaking real money, like we've
cleared six figures money backthen.

(46:23):
And I'm like, okay, great, butI'm not doing anything creative.
I'm really just focusing oncorporate and here comes the
layoffs.
To date, I have been laid offfive times from five different
companies corporately.

Portia (46:41):
I didn't realize it was your face because I didn't
realize it was five.
Sheesh.
I only remember like, okay,maybe three at the most.
Bloomingdale's.

Melissa (46:54):
Um, yeah, Bloomingdale's, Compucom, Duke.
Well, technically Duke fired me,but that's a whole nother story.
Mmm.
Um, XPO.
We can get there because that'scircled back.
That's circled back.
Yeah, so, five times.

(47:14):
So what does that mean?
I'm like, and each time wasdifferent.
Bloomingdale's was the mostdevastating.
Because

Portia (47:21):
it was the first one.

Melissa (47:22):
Then when it happened the second time I'm like, more
in panic mode.
When it happened the third time,It was again, technically they
just terminated my contract thefourth time.
I'm like, God, what ishappening?
And the fourth time happenedright, right during COVID.

(47:44):
So it was like, okay, God, whatis happening?
Like, what am I not doing?
Like I've checked all the boxes,right?

Portia (47:52):
I mean, I mean, it could be a couple of things.
It could be these jobs ain'tloyal.
It could be, you just gotta.
Stay ready.
So you don't have to get ready.
Like, I don't know, becausethat's kind of like how I've
been feeling the last, what, twoyears.
Like, what am I doing wrong?

(48:12):
You know, with these jobs, like,

Melissa (48:17):
what are we doing now?
At this point?
Now I'm a lot older, a lot moremature, a lot more experienced.
The corporate game is no joke,right?
As black women, you know, We arenever celebrated.
We often work 10 times harderthan our counterparts for little
to no recognition.

(48:39):
We go into situations wherewe're often the only person that
looks like we do.
The higher you go up, you'renever really gonna see another
black woman or another blackface.
You might see a brown facethat's like of Asian, South
Asian descent, Indian descent.
But you're not going to see ablack face.
No, we're often assumed to bethe admin or the coordinator.

(49:05):
Right?
Yep.
That's a real thing.
Oh yeah.
That is a real thing.
And then there's the culturalcolloquialisms that they don't
understand or get.
Right.
I would hear is really weirdthings.
Like if I saw another olderblack woman, I would call her
miss.
So and so I never forget.
I had a manager say, why don'tyou call her miss?

(49:26):
Whatever she's, you know, Isaid, because I'm giving her
respect.
That's how I was raised, she'san elder.
I don't give a damn where weare.
She's my elder.
So yes, I'm going to say miss.
Oh, see, they didn't, they don'tunderstand that like little

(49:47):
things, microaggressions.
It is very real.
So after the fourth layoff, Idecided to start my own
business.
I said, cause I'm tired, tired.
So
I started my own LLC and I said, I can start
consulting and I can do thisvarious different ways.

(50:08):
I can bring in the creativepiece that I cut.
I felt like I was missing that.
Right.
Like the creative, like not justeven in a fashion area, just
anything creative, I'd stilllike need that to make myself
feel a level of, uh,fulfillment, I guess.
But then also I can control thecontracts I take at that time

(50:30):
and not necessarily be, at themercy of corporate America
because layoffs are just,they're just going to happen.
Apparently they're just going tohappen.
And you're never prepared.
You're never ready.
But if I can try to control thenarrative a little bit more, I

(50:52):
can then just.
Contract my skill sets to othercompanies, obtain those
contracts and do that.
And so that's what I did.
And that's what I'm still doing.
I, um, outsource myself as acontractor and I get contracts
in.
Sometimes I have more than onecontract at a time.

(51:13):
And then if I have more thantwo, then I'll start to like,
build out an infrastructure.
I've had staff, since I'vestarted my LLC, I've had two.
virtual assistants.
Well, technically three.
But my goal ultimately is toscale because I feel like the
skill set in the market isreally high right now for what
companies are looking for.
And so, you know, there's moneyto be made.

(51:35):
There is money to be made.
And then I still can do mycreative stuff through other
ways.
So now I'm really focusing in onevents.
So I host a quarterly networkingseries for women that are just
like us.
that have stories to tell andneed a place of enrichment, not
necessarily empowerment.
I think a lot of times there'snothing against the empowerment
scene, but these empowermentbranches and all that other

(51:57):
stuff, it gets a little trickybecause they're trying often to
sell you something sell you aproduct or tell you how I'm
going to put you on sis.
That's cool, but sometimes Ijust want to just be So going
back to the common thread ofconnection, right?
So I said this earlier, I'm anonly child, so I don't have
sisters.

(52:18):
Well, one of the things you andI have in common in a kind of
interesting way is that mymother has sisters and she's the
oldest and you're the oldest offour.
She's the oldest of four, you'rethe oldest of four.
And it's interesting, thedynamic, I understand, even
though I didn't experience itpersonally, I understand the
dynamic because I'm very closewith my family and close with my

(52:39):
mom and y'all stories wouldmirror, right, with the sisters.
And the sister chat and allthose other stuff.
And so I don't relate sometimesthough, to the dynamic of having
just people in the house thatyou were always around, I can't
relate to that.
So having friends were reallyimportant.
And I went through a wholeperiod of when I was much

(53:00):
younger, where it was like.
I needed to have friends, like,you know, because I was lonely,
you know, I lived, you know,just was just me and my mom and
my dad at visitation.
So like I would visit him andwhatever, like I was lonely.
I wanted friends.
I wanted that connection.
And so as I got older, learninghow to be a friend was a

(53:21):
important thing to do.
And so when you talk aboutthere's a lot of girls that are
mean girls, I never subscribedto that because I'm from a
genuine place.
I just wanted genuineconnections.
With people, but it doesn't saythat I don't see it.
I've seen it.
I've experienced it.
We've talked

Portia (53:38):
about it.
I mean, everybody doesn't knowhow to be a friend.
Everyone doesn't know how to begenuine.
Everyone doesn't know how toreally have compassion for
others either.
You know, sometimes people havebusinesses and it's really just.

(54:02):
I have a product, I'm trying tosell it, I'ma do whatever needs
to be done to sell it, but I'mnot really connecting with my
audience.
And that takes time, too.
You have to really, really workat it, especially if you're an
introvert or you're kind of justshy.
I'm, I'm gonna keep it real,like, I want to show up more on

(54:24):
social media.
But it's so hard for me.
It's so hard for me to do.
That's all I'm working on.
Which

Melissa (54:31):
is why I think this is a beautiful thing that you're
doing it.
I've listened to, I think everyepisode that you've had.

Portia (54:36):
And I appreciate it.
This is so

Melissa (54:38):
good for you because this is like, this is good for
you for so many differentreasons, but you know, I often
tell you that your talents thatyou have.
From a, not just marketing andPR, you're actually an amazing
writer too, right?
Thank you.

(54:58):
You have so much to say, and youhave such a perspective, and I
think you dip your toe intodifferent pockets.
I dip, I dip.
Yeah, that's it.
You be so gingerly dipping yourtoe.
But now I feel like this issomething that you really have
come into your own with.
Not everybody is able to do whatyou're doing and make it so that

(55:21):
it is a safe space.
We've been talking for now overan hour and it feels literally
like we're all the same.
And we still have more to talkabout

Portia (55:29):
too.
But.
I appreciate you saying that,though.
It just feels like the flow.
This is your, this is yourstage.
Yeah, and I appreciate yousaying that because, the video
podcasts are, are a thing.
Obviously.
A lot of people are doing them.
But I love me an audio only.
And that's why I have an audioonly right now.

(55:49):
Because I know I can show up andstill feel comfortable doing it.
And I was like, I'm gonna give

Melissa (55:56):
y'all a shoulder today.

Portia (55:57):
Eventually.
Yeah, eventually, you know,maybe this will make it to
YouTube.
We'll see.
But for now, audio only, baby,because I can talk all day.
I can talk all day.
Yeah.
But yes, I do Yeah, I've beenseeing a lot more of that, you

(56:18):
know when you read likehoroscopes and stuff and just
like Human design and all thesethings Most of the time it says
that I am supposed to becommunicating something to the
world I've been saying that foryears

Melissa (56:34):
I think there's something to that, you know, and
the more you lean into it andthe more you literally trust the
process, I think it's going tocontinue to organically evolve.
And so hopefully, you know, wecan continue to see great
things.
I am not worried about it.
I'm not.
I was very honored and excitedto do this with you because I

(56:56):
know.
It's bigger than you at thispoint, and we just have to
continue to see what happens.

Portia (57:01):
Yeah, it definitely is bigger than me, which is why I
want to make sure I keep thisgoing.
So, thank you.

Melissa (57:12):
You're welcome.
So, we gonna get into the grief?

Portia (57:15):
Uh, well, I mean, you talked a lot about your career,
which is okay.
I know.
But, I'm glad you spoke aboutyour career though.
Cause it actually proves mypoint about why.
This isn't like a career basedpodcast.
You said you got laid off fivetimes fleeting, right?

(57:38):
Jobs are fleeting.
You can lose one at the drop ofa hat.
Granted, yes, you are still inthe industry that you've been
working in for some time andyour career is very important,
but you lost five jobs.
You know what I'm saying?
So it's like.
That speaks to the goal of mypodcast, you know, it's like

(58:04):
when I bring people on, Ipurposely don't introduce people
by saying what they do for aliving.
You see what I'm saying?
Because now we're at the pointjust living in 2024 where like
so many people have lost jobsand had to Start new careers or,

(58:28):
pivot how many different timesand so many people are in
survival mode right now, justtrying to pay the bills or maybe
they're working in a job theydon't even want to be in.
So it's like, I like that youspoke about the layoffs in
addition to.

(58:50):
And not saying I'm happy thatyou were laid off, but it's just
real life stuff happened, youknow?
And you just had to pivot andyou had to figure it out and you
had to just keep going.
Especially when you had toleave, Atlanta and come to
Rochester, like that was a hugepivot and you were like, okay,

(59:11):
what do I do now?
You know?
So that is definitely, a hugepiece of this podcast and what I
am kind of like love for myguests to speak about is that
the parts of life where youlearned a lesson, the ups, the
downs, you know?

(59:32):
So I appreciate you talkingabout that part and you can
continue when you're ready.

Melissa (59:44):
Yeah.
So, um, thank you for that.
I definitely celebrate thatthere's power in the pivot.
It's not easy.
I think each and every time I'vebeen laid off, I have leveled up
even more.
But it's exhausting.
I have to be, on a likeproverbial hamster wheel and

(01:00:07):
like every few years it happens.
It's like I can almostanticipate it, but I don't wish
it on myself.
It's just, it's like a weirddichotomy.
So yeah, but there is power inthe pivot and all I can say is
that through starting mybusiness and being able to try
to control some of the narrativethat has been very helpful and I

(01:00:29):
try to like help people.
Navigate those things.
Cause like you said, life justis, it just happens.
It's a part of it and you haveto have a perspective and kind
of a plan for yourself.
So when things happenunexpectedly, this is a good
segue.
When things happen unexpectedly,like how you navigate that is

(01:00:53):
also very important.
That could also be consideredpivoting, but there's a, there
could be a grieving process thatcomes with that.
And how you, how you deal withthat.
How do you deal with, how do youdeal with grief?
So, um, yeah.

(01:01:14):
So something else that I don'tpublicly talk about is, um, in
2021, my father passed awayunexpectedly.
Um, it was April of 2021.
And so this is also like duringCOVID, like COVID was still very

(01:01:37):
much a thing then.
So when you lose someoneunexpectedly like that, that
you're close with, and like, Iopened with like, I'm close with
both of my parents, like talk tothem every day close.

(01:01:58):
And during COVID, because my dadstill lived in Atlanta, I would
still go down there because,first of all, Atlanta was never
closed.
Atlanta was open.
I know.
For everything.
It was like, everything wasopen.
The clubs was open.
Everything was open.
But I wanted to make sure he wasgood.
You know, my father, his storyis really interesting in the

(01:02:19):
fact that, like, my father wasquite, quite the character.
Huge personality.
Um, I mean, his story justbriefly is he didn't meet his
own father until he was 17.
And then when he met his father,he found out that his father,
um, was the personal assistantto.

(01:02:41):
Black celebrities in L.
A.
at that time, my father was aresult of a summer fling.
And so, um, with, my grandmotherended up, getting married to my,
and they had their own father.
She, had my aunts, have threeother aunts, my father's
sisters, and they have adifferent father than my father.

(01:03:04):
And so my father grew up,feeling away cause he, I wasn't
his dad and you know how thatdynamic can be.
He felt Annie was the only boy.
Also the oldest.
And so when he met his fatherand he found out his father was
kind of like a notable person,it was like, I'm out.
I know my daddy now type ofthing.

(01:03:25):
So what I've been told, Andylived in LA and I think I now
know.
That him being exposed to thathigh life also exposed him to
certain things and got himstarted with addiction.

(01:03:47):
And I guess it had been on andoff for years.
And I will say.
Both my mom and my dad did avery good job at shielding me
even up into adulthood with howdeep it went because I really
did not know how deep it went.

(01:04:10):
And I really want tospecifically talk about
addiction because that is what,that is how my father passed
away.
My father had a drug overdose.
I have never publicly, verballysaid that on any platform.
I haven't posted about it.
I haven't talked about it.
But I want to talk about it nowbecause We often think about
what a drug addict looks like,right?

(01:04:32):
We see Friday and Felicia andall, you know, we see all these
things.
Addicts do not look like thatall the time, right?
This man was very functioning,held jobs.
Brilliant.
One of the smartest minds that Iknow.
Um, degreed, can argue you down,had a perspective on all things

(01:04:58):
politics, sports.
Very articulate.
The biggest heart, he could besome type of an asshole, but had
the biggest heart, love forfamily.
You know, we had an amazingrelationship.
And he had his, he had hisstruggles though.
He had his struggles.
Now knowing what I know now, alot of his struggles that he

(01:05:22):
had, it all made, it made senseafter the fact.
So to get that phone call, and Iwill say, that day was very
dark.
I was actually out to dinnerwith some friends.
And my aunts, his sisters,called me looking for him
because they talked all the timetoo.

(01:05:42):
They could not find him.
And so they're, of course theycalled me because, you know, we
talk all the time.
I called him, he didn't answer.
I just thought maybe he wassleeping.
I kept calling.
And so finally the people I wasat dinner with was like, they
could see the worry in my face.
Because it wasn't like him notto answer that many times.

(01:06:04):
And so one of my friends,Desiree, she actually went to
Clark with me.
She said, I think you may wantto do a wellness check.
I didn't even know how to dothat.
Like I didn't know what to do.
I'm like, what number do youcall to do a wellness check?
Like, what do you do?
I had no idea.
So she told me what to do, youcall the non emergency number, I
believe, and tell them what yourconcerns are.

(01:06:25):
And then they go and his car wasthere, I had just bought my
father a car, just pay cash fora car for him cause he didn't
have a car at the time.
And so they saw the car andidentify the car cause I had
just bought it maybe like twomonths prior.
I'm like, his car is there.
So they go up to his apartmentand they open the door and then
that's when they, they foundhim.

(01:06:45):
And then they called me back andthat's when they told me.
And at that time, obviously I gointo shock, but at that time
they didn't tell me anythingother than your father is
deceased, right?
They didn't go into details oranything like that.
Um, I was like, wow.
Um, and I, so I didn't know thecause of death because of COVID.

(01:07:10):
Everything was backed up becausepeople were like exponentially
dying.
So I didn't get.
Any of like the top, like, and Iordered a toxicology report
cause they were asking me verystrange questions.
Like, had he been experiencingdepression?
Like this is from the coroner'soffice, like asking me these
questions.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm like in shock.

(01:07:34):
So because they were asking meall these questions, one of my
dad's closest friends said,Melissa, I think you should get
a toxicology report.
Mind you, they all knew becauseeverybody was hiding this from
me all these years.
So everyone knew.
about my father's addiction.
And so, yeah.
So anyway, um, that's whathappened.

(01:07:57):
And so I want to encouragewhoever's listening that it is
okay to not feel like you couldhave changed anything different.
Through my process of grief, Andwhen tragic things happen, I

(01:08:19):
have a tendency to be like, whatcould I have done differently?
I didn't know, right?
Just like you told me about withthe fashion show, you're like,
Melissa, that wasn't your fault.
Like I struggle with that.
Like feeling like, you know, Icould have done something
different.
And so through the grievingprocess, just understanding that

(01:08:42):
sometimes.
People have their own choice andfree will to do things that have
nothing to do with you.
And it doesn't mean that theydidn't love you or you didn't
love them.
But sometimes people struggle insilence and you just may not
know what they're experiencing.

(01:09:05):
But it's okay to not internalizethat as something that you could
have done differently.
Because I really thought, like,if I had known I could have
mitigated, I'm such a projectmanager, right?
If I had known, I could have, Icould have, I could have
mitigated it.
I could have helped him.
We could have gotten him theresources.

(01:09:25):
I just didn't know.
I just didn't know.
And so, um, it's okay.
To not know and to not take iton as something that you could
have done.
If you just, if they have to,you have to know that that's
their own struggle.
And sometimes people are justgoing to be in spaces where they

(01:09:45):
have.
They have their own choices tomake.
And so, um, another thing peopledon't really talk about through
grief is that I had a physicalreaction to grief.
So shortly after I got the newsand I had to go down to Atlanta,
shout out to my life sister,Deanna, who.

(01:10:06):
Went with me to his apartment.
We had to clean it all up.
I don't wish that on my worstenemy and she was very gracious.
She had just had her second babyand she still came with me
because she obviously knew howclose we were and she went with
me and I got a few things that Ineeded to make arrangements and
this was literally hours after Igot the initial call.
And she went with me and we hadto clean a bunch of stuff up.

(01:10:32):
And so, um, shortly after that,I started to feel like tingling
in my hands.
On the
right side.
Then my arms started to tingle.
Like my whole right arm startedto tingle all the way down my
leg.
And then eventually I had fullnumbness on the right side of my

(01:10:52):
body.
I didn't know what was going onat first.
I'm like, I just need anadjustment.
I haven't, you know, I'mstressed, I'm like cramped up.
Like I'm stressed.
My father just died, right?
Like this horrible, You know,drug overdose, like, and I'm,
I'm dealing with all thisinformation being come at me at
once.
Like I didn't know.
I'm like feeling guilty.
Like I'm absorbing all of thistrauma.

(01:11:14):
Right.
And so I'm like, I need anadjustment.
That adjustment didn't work.
Not at all.
If anything, I was even morenumb,
like
numb, like camp.
It felt like you ever like layon your arm and your arm goes to
sleep.
Imagine that.
Like.

Portia (01:11:30):
And that's scary because that's usually a sign of, MS.
MS,

Melissa (01:11:37):
I thought I was having a stroke.
I thought I was having a stroke.
I'm talking to my nursing fordoctor friends.
They're like, girl, you and I'mnot telling everybody because
what, what I now know, I'm notsaying anything.
They just know that I just lostmy father.
And so I, my doctor was like,let's do an MRI.

(01:11:58):
This was maybe like two weeksafter his passing.
And so I get an MRI done, whichwas a horrible experience.
I'm like, people have to do thisregularly.
Oh my God.
Like if you're claustrophobic,God bless.
I was like, I should have taken,they asked me for a volume and
I'm like, no, I don't need it.
I should have taken the volume.
Cause you're literally in like,and I'm like, people do this and

(01:12:20):
it's this loud noise.
I'm like, Oh, uh uh, this iscrazy for like an hour.
For like an hour.
Sheesh.
It was like a long time.
I just closed my eyes and waslike, and they were like, if you
feel like you're about to panic,press the button.
I should have, I should havetaken in hindsight, I should

(01:12:42):
have taken the value, butanyway, so the results came back
and I'll never forget the doctorsays, you mentioned your father
just passed away, right?
And I said, yes.
They were like, this is just areaction to grief, sweetie.
I'm glad they told you that

Portia (01:13:02):
though.
Yeah.
Because I can't even think of adoctor who would even.
I mean some doctors willprobably just be like well, it's
all clear.
There's nothing wrong with youand send you home, you know,
like the fact that they evenmentioned that part and Kind of
put you at ease like that's alot

Melissa (01:13:23):
Yeah.
Cause let, let me tell you, Iwas like, Oh God.
And so then I starteddocumenting this and I'm like,
let me just do like a quickbecause I was in a workout
chance.
I do workout challenges everyfew years or so.
And at that time I was in oneand I had abruptly stopped
breaking out because of what Iwas dealing with with daddy.

(01:13:43):
And I was just like, I justdidn't feel like it.
I was sad.
You know, my heart was broken.
I was really sad.
You know, going, trying not togo into a depression and now my
body is numb.
And then they gave me Neurotin.
They were like trying to figureit out.
I fell down a flight of stairs.
My mom thought I was goinggreat.
Like it was a lot because Icouldn't feel anything.

(01:14:03):
So someone, I forget who it was.
said to me, just keep movingyour body.
Your muscles have memory.
Just, I know you don't feel likeworking out, but just keep
moving.
And so that's what I did.
And I just did walking at first,like, cause there were days

(01:14:26):
where I just didn't feel likegetting out of bed.
And I was just that sad.
And I just started walking onthe treadmill.
I had a treadmill in the house.
I did that.
And I just did 15 minutes.
Then my time increased and thenI was back to my old stride and
eventually, eventually thefeeling came back and I never

(01:14:48):
forget.
We, my father wanted to becremated.
He always had said that.
And so we did the memorialservice a month after his
passing.
So by like the 30th day, Iremember going in the hotel, the
hotel had a gym.
I love a good workout in the gymat, at a hotel if they have a
gym.

(01:15:08):
I remember working out at thegym.
And I remember saying, well, I'mdocumenting this because I like
people need to know, like I knewone day I was going to talk
about this.
I just didn't know it.
And I said, okay, people need toknow, like this can happen if
you're like in shock or traumaor grief.
And I said, my feeling, it wasthe day of his memorial and I
did the eulogy.

(01:15:29):
And I said at the workout at theend, I was talking and I said,
the feeling in my, my arms, legsand face, because everything was
numb.
It's coming back.
It's not a hundred percent.
I would say it's about 80%.
I have been just walking tryingto get a light workout in and it
is coming back.
And I'm just so grateful.
I feel strong.

(01:15:49):
I feel good.
I feel like this is going to befine.
And about 45 days total it tookfrom beginning to end for the
numbness to stop.
That is a

Portia (01:16:00):
long time.
When you think about it, youknow, 45 days, people may not
think that's a long time.
That's a long time to have feelnumbness in your body.
Yeah.

Melissa (01:16:12):
Yep.
And I never forget.
So I saw therapy pretty quicklybecause of the circumstances
surrounding the, the, the why myfather died and the sudden
nature of it.
Cause I had just spoken to himhours before this was into
reference the day it was theverses.
Was happening and it was earth,wind and fire and the Isley

(01:16:38):
brothers.
Because we were texting aboutit, so he literally passed the
next day and we were textingabout it, so that's the time
marker that I have about that.
And so, um, yeah, they justdon't, people don't talk about
all of the things that happened.
And I remember my therapist andI, and I sought therapy out

(01:16:59):
pretty quickly because I knew Iwas like, I'm going to need
some, I'm going to need somework.
This is going to be a big lifechange for me.
And so I did grief counselingand she said, Well, think about
it.
50 percent of who you are is nolonger here and 50 percent of
your body is new.

(01:17:22):
She said that.
I was like, ooh.
So you ask about who's MelissaDavis?
Okay.
Yep.
I am comprised of that union,right?
So 50 percent of who you are hasnow transitioned and now 50
percent of your body has gonenumb as a reaction.

(01:17:49):
There's a really dope bookcalled The Body Keeps Score.
I recommend people who are goingthrough transitions, trauma,
grief, however it looks becauseeveryone's trauma is different.
I'm speaking about my personaltrauma of losing my father.
To a drug overdose right afternot knowing of years of

(01:18:10):
addiction and years of strugglesto prep like years of it, right?
The body keeps score.
We are absorbing thingsconstantly.
We're ingesting information.
We have to remember our nervoussystems are so fragile, right?

(01:18:32):
To how we maneuver on a day today basis.
I am very keenly aware throughthat experience.
Of what I ingest.
I am often in the house withnothing on or light music
because my environment is a bigpart of what we're around and
what we absorb.

Portia (01:18:52):
And a lot of us, millennials, not just gonna say
millennials, but a lot of us aretrying to fix our nervous
systems current.
Because of all of the years ofthings that we've witnessed,
that we've ingested, dealt with,not dealt with.
Um, and this is something thatI'll always remember from, and

(01:19:18):
it's my girl, Dr.
Joy DeGruy, reading her book,Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome.
When she talks about PTSD in thebook.
She mentions that PTSD can comein so many different forms.
You can get PTSD from witnessinga car accident when you're

(01:19:39):
driving down the street.
You can get PTSD from getting aphone call about something
tragic that has happened.
You can get PTSD as a thirdparty, just like hearing that
something bad happened tosomeone else.
Like, people don't realize thateither.
You don't even have to be likedirectly affected by something

(01:20:00):
for it to affect your body.
So I think we just aren't awareof how many things really truly
affect us and now Speaking forus and our 40s our bodies are
starting to shut down a littlebit, you know, cuz like So, we

(01:20:21):
have to now think about, well,hmm, I wonder why this is
happening.
Huh, maybe it's because I didn'tdo this, or maybe it's because
I've been eating that for allthese years, or maybe it's
because I've been drinking this,or maybe it's because I don't
move my body like I should be.
That's me, you know, like all ofthe things, so it's like nervous

(01:20:46):
system.
I'm glad you mentioned thatbecause a lot of people, I don't
think really realize how jackedup our nervous systems are.

Melissa (01:20:57):
Yes.
Um, yeah, I.
And however you get there,right?
Mine was because of whathappened, to my father.
And that's what got me to whereI am from an awareness
perspective, but I am all aboutit.
Like I'm all about mindfulness,meditation.

(01:21:19):
I enjoy yoga.
I do not subscribe to, girl,don't get me started with these
people talking about yoga isdemonic.
I don't subscribe to that atall.
And I have very justifiablebacked up reasons.
Fight me.
Um, I love it.
I like sound therapy, soundbaths, um, you know, opening up

(01:21:42):
your chakras, like all of thatin order to calm your nervous
system.
Right?
I think we have to understandthat cultural.
and religious things are twodifferent things.
There's the cultural component,then there's the religious
component.
I'm not here to tell you, whatto do and what not to do.

(01:22:03):
I have my own personal religiousbeliefs.
However, from a culturalperspective, I'm very open.
I've always been very open tolearning new things and
techniques in order for us to behere.
We're all here having a humanexperience.
And so if we can help oneanother to achieve that level of

(01:22:23):
peace, right?
Because you can't put a pricetag on peace.

Portia (01:22:28):
No.

Melissa (01:22:30):
And however that looks for you, whatever resources that
you need to tap into, get there,please get there.
But I think the awareness pieceof understanding that, like,
Just like, you know, you absorbanything like a sponge absorbs
water, we are absorbing thingsto environmentally, emotionally,

(01:22:56):
spiritually.
So we have to be mindful what weallow in our space, in a space
of when we're trying to heal,whatever we're healing.
And that will directly affectwho you are, who you are and
whose you are and theenvironments that we tend to

(01:23:17):
keep.
So, um, I hope that that ishelpful, in terms of what that
looks like.
And then understanding that, wecannot control everyone's
destiny, even if you love them,even if you want the best for
them, ultimately, everyone hastheir own choices to make and

(01:23:37):
has to walk down.
You can suggest, recommend andlove, but it ultimately rests on
the person.
And then just also understandingthat grief is a real thing and
that you may have a physicalreaction to grief that people
don't openly talk about.
Like.
I talked about it to people andthey, some people were

(01:23:59):
completely like, really, like,wow.
And then other people, I saw apost and around my father's,
the, the day of his passing, Iusually am very reflective and I
saw a post last year and therewas a, like a carousel of people
talking about their reactions togrief.
And there were a few people thattalked about the numbness and
I'm like, man, I'm not alone.

(01:24:21):
We are not alone in this.
And the more we talk about itand the more awareness that we
have.
We can help people hopefully getto whatever level of peace that
they're trying to obtain.

Portia (01:24:33):
Right.
And so I know I usually ask whatwas your golden time of day, but
it seems like you alreadyanswered that question.
Based on all of the things youjust mentioned and the awakening
that you had through grief.
Hmm.

(01:24:55):
Um,

Melissa (01:24:58):
I would agree.
I would agree.
It's still not easy.
It is still very much, you know,grief isn't linear.
It's all, um, days be good.
Some days be not so good.
Um, and grief recently showed upwith me.
I, recently ended a, a four yearrelationship with someone who I

(01:25:21):
thought was going to be Myhusband.
And so the grief bug kind ofcreeped up because that's a form
of grief letting go of somethingthat you love deeply.
Um, and this individual met myfather, right?
And so I was holding on to that.
I ain't gonna lie.
I was holding on to that, likethat element, that specific.

(01:25:44):
Oh, yeah, of course.
Um, like, you know, becausewhoever else I end up with isn't
going to have that opportunity.
So, um, so it showed up again.
So, um, I think though the toolsthat I had learned from my

(01:26:04):
father's transition helped metremendously through that
transition in the best of ways,in the best of ways and
understanding that you have todo the work.
Yeah.
You have to say that

Portia (01:26:23):
again.

Melissa (01:26:24):
Don't run away from it.

Portia (01:26:26):
That's the part right there.
I think that's what, doing thework.
And I have to commend youbecause you've done the work and
you're doing it.
Which, like you said, is How youprobably were able to navigate.
I feel like since that doorshut.
Yes.
Navigate this, this most recentgrief.

(01:26:47):
You've been able to navigate itthe way you have because you
have been doing the work.

Melissa (01:26:53):
I did the work.
We can end on this positivenote, like the gold gets better.
The golden, the golden times getbetter.

Portia (01:27:00):
Oh, of course.

Melissa (01:27:03):
They get better.
And I will say like, I was soscared cause I'm like, I'm at
this big age.
This was, I was supposed to begetting married.
I was supposed to be gettingmarried in Paris.
Like I had this whole, like Ihad this whole thing planned
out.
We didn't even get into like allthis other stuff.
I'm not even, that's going to beanother podcast for another day.

(01:27:24):
If you do a fertility podcast,let's talk about that.

Portia (01:27:26):
Oh yes.
Because

Melissa (01:27:29):
like this was where we were at in like.
That door had to shut for veryspecific reasons.
But when I tell you, God hasshowed out, God has showed out.
I have gotten two major awardswithin two months of each other.
One from CAU alumni chapter.
Um, of Charlotte and then theother one most recently, like

(01:27:51):
last weekend, through thepremier foundation of Charlotte,
community resource award, myluxury networking series for
women.
Lux connect has fully, like itwas already a thing, but has
taken off in the most beautifulof a ways.
And it's continuing.
I got another event coming up inDecember to end the year.

(01:28:12):
Um, I've gotten a new job.
One of the jobs that actuallylaid me off, lay off number
three.
Circle back, but I'm doing it onmy own terms as it is now
funneled through my business.
Um, she's, trying to explorewhat it looks like to, be

(01:28:33):
outside again.
What does that look like?
Cause I was terrified, like tobe at this age to start over, I
was extremely terrified.
And I asked, I prayed a veryspecific prayer.
About God, please increase myfaith because I am so scared.
I have no idea what's next tostart over is terrifying and
nauseating, but he has, he hasoverly exceeded my expectations

(01:28:59):
in a short amount of time.
And God's timing.
Is exactly that we are notalways going to know what the
plan is, but we have to fullytrust that there is a plan and
that he has our best interest atheart and at play.
And I'm very grateful for thisseason, although it wasn't what
I thought at all, but I'm verygrateful to be in it because I

(01:29:21):
am truly walking in faith and ina good space and a good space
mentally, emotionally,spiritually, I'm in a great
space.
Love.
That's,

Portia (01:29:31):
I love to see it, say, hear it, and very happy for you,
friend.
And, on that note.
We can end it there.
Thank you for the time.
for your time that you tooktoday, the conversation, your
transparency, yourcomfortability and your story.

(01:29:53):
I knew I was

Melissa (01:29:54):
on

Portia (01:29:54):
fire.
Did good.
And thank and thank my audiencefor listening to the golden time
of day.
Please like.
Comment, share, and if you areon Apple podcast, please leave
me a review.
See y'all next time.
Bye.