July 21, 2024 • 45 mins
We take journey with Denisse, a mother who moved from from her home driven by a quest for warmth and spiritual fulfillment. Her path intertwined with Elevation Church, discovered through YouTube worship videos, leading to a transformative baptism and a fresh commitment to service. Amidst the trials of co-parenting and ensuring her children's stability, her account underscores the healing potency of faith and the critical role of an inclusive church community in her renewed life.
Do Religious People Live Longer?
https://time.com/5159848/do-religious-people-live-longer/
Elevation Church:
elevationchurch.org
Follow Denisse!
Instagram: @Daughters_Of_A_King.bib
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Demetrius (00:00):
So it was over a decade ago.
I want to say, during my earlyyears in college, that I
stumbled upon a study that trulyamazed me.
It was a pretty simple onePeople who follow a religion, no
matter what religion it is,tend to live longer.
Now it just wasn't about whatreligion you followed, more
about following a community,like being around the same
(00:23):
like-minded people who liftedyou up and having those positive
vibes that individuals canpotentially bring to your life.
Now, I'm no health expert and Idon't claim to be, and I'm sure
there are a variety of factorsto this, but as someone who's
always been drawn to themysteries of faith, but never
really consistent with going tochurch myself or reading the
(00:46):
religious texts like the Bible,for example, I was truly
dumbfounded.
It was so long ago so I don'tremember the exact details of
the study, but I found anotherone with similar information.
If you're interested in readingit, I put it in the description
.
Notes of this episode.
Notes of this episode.
(01:09):
Welcome to the Hangry ParentPodcast, where we satisfy not
only our hunger for deliciousfood but also our craving for
parental guidance.
So grab a snack settle in andjoin us as we navigate the
challenges of parenting one biteat a time time.
(01:30):
did I see you're a giants fan?
I think, yes, right, okay, um,I'm eagles fan, okay, so, and
I'm sure, like you used to liveup here and yes, okay, right in
this'm sure.
Denisse (01:42):
Yes, I got to eat for it, a lot, a lot.
Demetrius (01:46):
There's a mix, because being in PA is like,
especially this part of likeEastern Pennsylvania.
We get a lot of New York, a lotof you know Philly mix in, so
you see a lot of Giants fans too, but I'm sure it must've been a
pain in the butt being aroundall these Eagles fans.
Denisse (02:02):
Yes, absolutely.
Demetrius (02:04):
So this is Denise, a single mother's group leader at
her church.
Her goal is to help people makebetter versions of themselves.
More of that in a second, butfirst did I mention she's a New
York Giants fan.
Denisse (02:15):
I have a license plate in my car in the front that's
New York Giants and I have a lotof gear so I can go to the
grocery store and go get coldcuts and the person will be like
I'm not serving you with thatshirt on and I'm like what did I
?
Demetrius (02:29):
do what did?
Denisse (02:29):
I do so, and my dad is a Cowboys fan, oh yeah, so it's
like my brothers are Giants.
I have two brothers Myself.
My son is a Gi giant because ofmy brothers.
Demetrius (02:47):
Okay.
Denisse (02:49):
And my daughter was a giant until she felt compelled
to be a Cowboys fan because mydad, her papa, doesn't have
anybody in the family to joinhim and she feels sorry for him.
Demetrius (03:03):
Oh.
Denisse (03:03):
So she's a little bit of a traitor, but she used to be
.
I have tons of pictures of herwith my, you know, with our
drawing stuff.
But, um, I didn't actuallystart following football like
that until my son was born, okay, and um, he's 20 now and of
course when he was born he woreanything, and wore anything that
(03:24):
everybody would give him,because his dad is a 49ers fan.
But his mother, his brother,his stepdad, they're all Giants.
But I have two brothers.
One brother's the oldest, he'sa couple years older than me,
and a younger brother, and hewas always with my brother.
(03:44):
So he just became a Giants fan.
So I kind of just rode withwhatever he did.
So that's how that started, umand where are you from?
Demetrius (03:54):
then too as well, are you from?
I'm in Puerto Rico.
No, I was born in Puerto Rico.
Denisse (04:00):
I moved to the US when I was 12, okay, okay, so in PR
there was no football per se.
My brother followed all theUnited States sports Okay, so he
watched football.
Demetrius (04:12):
And what about football?
Football like soccer football.
Denisse (04:16):
No, no, no, no.
In PR it was more basketballbaseball.
Demetrius (04:20):
Gotcha Okay.
Denisse (04:21):
So of course we were Yankees fans.
I think a lot of people aregoing to say you're Yankees or
you're Mets most of the timeUntil like now I was in Houston,
texas.
There's other ones now, but forthe most part it's kind of what
you followed.
And then basketball is reallybig back home and actually
that's the correlation that mydad chose when he was picking
(04:44):
his NFL team.
So the city that we were born,we were from in Puerto Rico.
The basketball team there wascalled the Cowboys Vaqueros.
So when we moved here in 91, ofcourse that was the era of the
Cowboys, with Emma Smith andJordan Aikman, and you know, and
(05:06):
they were champions.
Of course that was the era ofthe Cowboys with Emma Smith and
Jordan Aikman, and you know, andthey were champions.
So he was like, oh, what betterteam to choose than Cowboys?
Um, and that's why he choseCowboys as opposed to my brother
.
Even when he was in Puerto Ricohe would watch American
football and was already aGiants fan.
So that's where the division isper se.
Demetrius (05:24):
Yeah.
Denisse (05:27):
But even my mom said, even my mom a.
Demetrius (05:28):
Giants fan.
So it's weird, okay.
And then so then Puerto Rico,right, and then you move.
Do you know whose decision wasthat?
And then how did you take tothe move afterwards?
Were you happy, sad, not, wereyou sure?
I'm not sure how young you werewhen you moved.
Denisse (05:42):
It was definitely it was my parents.
So in Puerto Rico we went toCatholic school because public
school wasn't the greatest andat that time it was three of us.
I have a sister as well and toput the three of us through
(06:03):
school would have been just theycouldn't afford it.
So they felt like coming to theUS would have been a better
opportunity for them, to just abetter life financially and just
opportunity-wise.
So I was 12.
, my brother was 14.
And my sister was 8.
(06:24):
But I knew very basic English,like a few words, and then my
brother knew a little bit moreand then my sister knew it none,
but she was going right intoelementary school.
I was the only one that had togo into ESL classes and I was
going into the seventh grade.
So it was difficult, definitelydifferent culture.
(06:47):
So culture shock, especiallygoing to catholic school and
going to public school, goingfrom going from like uniforms,
no uniforms, language, of course.
Um, it was, it was a lot, itwas was different for sure.
And then going from like oneweather all year round to like
(07:09):
Pennsylvania being all weatherand cold and snow.
Demetrius (07:13):
It was rough.
Do you like the snow now, or isit still like a?
Keep me away from the cold.
Denisse (07:21):
I absolutely hate it.
Demetrius (07:24):
Is that why you moved out?
Denisse (07:27):
Because you moved more south.
Now, right, guess I'm in northcarolina.
Uh, that was one of many, butit wasn't.
It was, it was up there, but itwasn't just the only reasons
all the areas of the country tomove to from puerto rico.
Demetrius (07:40):
Why, pa?
Was there any at the time andwas there any reason?
Was there any family herealready?
It's been easier, or?
Denisse (07:47):
no, actually I have a.
I had an aunt at the time thatlives in the Bronx.
I had visited her a coupletimes but, um, my parents
weren't fond of New York, um,but no, they had a.
Their childhood friends used tolive in Bethlehem in.
PA and they had went to visitand it seemed like a nice town
and it just seemed a little more, a lot more calm than the whole
(08:08):
hustle and bustle of new yorkand they felt like they had a
little bit more of a you knowcity where they can raise their
children and as opposed to thebig city, right so yeah, they
knew childhood friends like abalance here.
Demetrius (08:22):
You know it's like a little if you can be a little
bit in uh the quiet, but thenyou know, if you needed like the
big city stuff you can justdrive away right right, yep, it
wasn't that far so then what, ifyou don't mind me asking what
made you move then from PA toSouth a little?
Denisse (08:38):
more um.
So I knew I didn't, ever, Ididn't want to stay in PA
forever and my son loved, welived in Whitehall and he wanted
to stay in the same schooldistrict and I had bought a home
there and.
But I knew once and his dad andI shared custody, so I knew I
(08:59):
couldn't move before thatbecause his dad wouldn't have
been happy about that and Inever wanted to take him away
that his dad wouldn't have beenhappy about that, um, and I
never wanted to take him awayfrom his dad anyway.
So I knew once he graduated hewas going to go to school.
I was like this is myopportunity.
My daughter at the time wasseven, almost eight or eight,
just turning eight.
So I was like if I'm gonna move, I have to do it now before she
(09:21):
kind of grows roots and, youknow, establishes her little
friendships and stuff.
And I had looked at, of course,going south, because I don't
like the cold, but I had lookedat georgia, south carolina and
north carolina, um, but in 2020,you know, the whole world was
(09:41):
turned upside down, oh yeah.
And at that time, um, I wasjust going through a lot with
work and just life in generaland I went through a really,
really hard time in my lifewhere I felt like the Lord was
calling me back to Him.
And I have found ElevationChurch and actually through
(10:04):
worship I had snippets ofpastors speaking, but it was
more the worship that caught myeye.
I grew up Catholic and Iactually have tried, like most,
every religion out there I'vegone to Lutheran church, I've
gone to Baptist, I've gone toanything but I just feel like my
(10:29):
faith is more your relationship, your personal relationship
with God, as opposed to areligion or a stamp on what are
you.
So once I found Elevation, itjust changed my whole
perspective on how I view theLord and in my faith and my
foundation with God.
(10:50):
And at that time they havetheir main church here in
Charlotte in North Carolina, andI wanted to make the decision
to be baptized and me and mychildren drove to down to visit
so I could get baptized.
And I just felt at that momentthat God was speaking to me and
moving me here because I wantedto just have a little more
(11:13):
purpose to to my life, to justdo, do something God wanted me
to do as opposed to me, and Ijust felt called to be down here
and be more proactive in thechurch and serve and just just
just help others.
You know every little bit helps, but so that's really kind of
what made my decision to movedown here.
I don't have any family here,so it was it was, it was a leap
(11:38):
of faith and my family was nothappy about it so.
Demetrius (11:42):
Elevation Church how did you find the church?
What kind of led you to, youknow, finding them?
I'm pretty curious.
Denisse (11:50):
YouTube videos of worship.
I actually I love more gospeland I was listening to a lot
more gospel than anything, but Icame across Graves and Civil
Gardens, across um graves andcivil gardens and I just
remember, you know, because,like once you start on youtube
(12:11):
and you watch a video, it givesyou like suggestions.
Yes, and it clicked and it right.
So I went to that song and Iremember just seeing like this
it looked like a rock and rollguy with like long curly hair,
bunch, bunch of tattoos, with aguitar, and that piqued my
interest.
And then behind him is thischorus and it's every color age,
(12:34):
it's so diverse, it just justeverything representative black,
white, hispanic, asian, young,old, whatever.
And I'm like, where is this?
And I want to go there.
I want to be there Because,especially moving from Puerto
(12:54):
Rico to here, we got a lot oflike well, you look white, you
don't look Puerto Rican.
Or, for example, like our familydynamics.
So my parents my dad istechnically not, he's not my
biological father, but he raisedme, so in Puerto Rico, it's
(13:15):
like dad, my two youngersiblings are from him and me and
my older brother from my mom'sfirst marriage.
So, like we say brother andsister, we don't like, oh,
that's my half sister, that's myhalf brother, like it's just so
different here, like I don'tknow, it's just that whole
(13:35):
labeling thing was really toughfor me when I moved here.
And you know, like so when Iand I have, I have a lot of
tattoos you can't really reallysee them, but I have tons of
tattoos.
I have 14, maybe 15.
I have quite a few and going toCatholic church that was very
frowned upon.
People wouldn't even shake myhand, to be honest with you.
(13:56):
Yeah.
So, and part of the part of themass it's to give people peace,
like peace be with you.
And you shake people's handsand they'd be like, oh, it's
okay, peace be with you, Ipromise I don't have cooties.
Demetrius (14:12):
That was a COVID thing.
Denisse (14:13):
That was pre-COVID, so that was COVID.
It wasn't an excuse yet.
So when I saw that video, I wasjust like and then, of course,
words, of course the, the, thewords to the video and just what
it represented.
You know, I, I, I wasimmediately, I was hooked.
(14:33):
I then, of course, it gives youmore elevation worship songs.
And then came the blessing andI was like, oh my God, I love
that song.
And then it just and I startedwatching the sermons and the way
that our pastor preaches.
I don't know, it's just, there'ssomething about it that is very
frank and very forward and Ifeel like he talks about his own
(14:54):
flaws and I can appreciate thatas a parent that messes up.
Talking about.
You know how we we're humans.
At the end of the day, comingto God doesn't mean you have to
come clean and you have to beperfect.
You don't go to the hospitalbecause you're well.
You go to the hospital becauseyou're sick, right?
(15:15):
So it's the same thing withchurch.
I think so many of us have thisperception of like well, when I
get myself together, I'll go,and it's like well, no, that's
the whole point.
The Lord wants you now.
He doesn't want you when you'rewell, he wants to use you now
because you can help others withwhat you're going through.
(15:36):
He didn't pick in the Bible.
He didn't pick perfect people,that's for sure.
So I was immediately justloving what they stand for, was
immediately, just, you know,loving what they stand for, what
they do.
And and then, being on campus,I serve in the kids ministry, so
(15:57):
I just I, I'm thankful, I dofeel a sense of purpose with
that and I do feel like he'sleading me in a way of kind of
doing my little part, I guess,because it's not like you're
saving the world, but even ifyou change somebody's life, it's
still very significant.
Demetrius (16:15):
Exactly.
Yeah, I was about to say alittle bit to us, but maybe a
lot to somebody else, right?
Denisse (16:22):
Yeah, sure.
Demetrius (16:23):
So then I have more questions about the church and I
think there's like a biblestudy group that you're part of,
but I'll get to that in asecond, I believe.
But kind of rewinding backbefore getting to that um you
were mentioning about, you know,your son, like shared custody.
Uh, I'm trying to get peoplethat are probably in the same
boat, probably listening, um,that are, like you know, in that
(16:45):
tough situation of, yeah, Idon't know how I'm gonna get
through this.
I didn't plan on having to haveshared custody.
I thought I was going to be theperson I was going to be with
forever and now going into this,how did that process go with
getting shared custody and howdid you find your way of calming
yourself down through theprocess?
(17:06):
There's a lot to have to dealwith.
Denisse (17:08):
It's a lot and I think it's funny because I have two
completely different scenarioswith each of my children.
So my son's father and I, wewere on and off for six and a
half years and then, when my sonturned five, it was kind of
like we're done, done, I can'tkeep doing this and we went
(17:30):
through a rough patch, becausethere's feelings, there are
emotions, you know, but thedifference I feel like with his
dad and I was that we never lostsight of what was important,
which was my son's wellbeing,and I think that's what a lot of
times we get so caught up inour own feelings and our own
emotions that we forget aboutthat.
Um, and as much as that personhurts you, at the end of the day
(17:54):
, what's best, the best interestof the child, is really what
should be important.
So we had a difficult in thesense of like.
We didn't like each other for aminute.
However, you know, my son hadfootball and basketball and
baseball.
We had to, we had to be cord.
And baseball.
We had to, we had to be cordial.
We had to didn't mean we had toget along, we had to like, be
perfect with each other, justhad to be that we had to be
present and we had to make surethat, as parents, we were
(18:18):
showing him that, even if we'renot together, we're still going
to be here for you.
And I think, like having thatas a focus is really important,
because he's one of, like, mybest friends and we're having a
talk all the time um, especiallyfootball, because people
football.
But just even with it, when ifI'm having a family situation, I
do come up and be like, can youbelieve this?
(18:39):
I'm a 30?
Like oh, I came out, you know.
So it does get to the pointwhere it does get better at
least for us it did and alsounderstanding that this is
family forever.
Whoever said at 18 years old,you're done, that's a straight
lie.
So, having to first take thatexpectation out of the equation,
(19:04):
you're not done at 18.
Actually and somebody told methis when my son was younger and
I never understood it till, ofcourse, he was older but
somebody said to me like littlekids, little problems, big kids,
big problems.
Amen to that.
So you need that other parentthere more than ever because
you're a team, and that'sanother thing.
(19:26):
So, like if it wasn't for hisdad being my counterpart, I
honestly think my son would walkall over me because that's my
boo, that's my boy.
Him and I were riding togetherfor 10 years, by ourselves, you
know, and so as he got older, Ineeded that father figure to be
there for him and put him in hisplace because he could walk all
(19:49):
over me.
And if you don't have that,that understanding, I think the
child kids are smart they willuse that to their advantage and
they're going to use thatagainst each other.
They'll put you guys againsteach other.
So if you don't have at leastthat common ground in saying
when there's an issue, I'll belike listen, listen.
After work you need to comehere, we need to talk to Abdul,
(20:10):
and he'd be right there.
That was really crucial, I think, at least for us to continue to
parent, and, thank God, weagreed on mostly everything,
like when it came to a lot ofthe situations that we had with
our son, lot of the situationsthat we had with our son.
Um, then, on the other spectrumof the of the situation, like
(20:31):
my daughter's father.
She hasn't seen him since she'sa year old.
So then it's like me, myselfand I, in the sense of like,
when there is a difficultsituation, I'm like I can't call
her dad and be like, listen,after, after work, you need to
come in.
We got to talk to her Like Igot to figure it out by myself
and on top of that it's a girl,so it's like it's a lot.
(20:53):
But I think, again, it's makingsure that, regardless of what
you and that other person aregoing through, that has to stand
separate when it comes towhat's the best interest for
your child and maintain it asnormal as possible.
You know what I mean, likecontinuing to okay the schedule
of the school and the sports andand whatever the kids are
(21:16):
currently doing, and knowingthat at some point it does get a
little better and easier.
And and family and and again,it's not just you and the dad,
it's the families.
Like his family is my family,my family is his family.
We do holidays together, youknow it's.
You know birthdays getting to apoint where, at the end of the
(21:39):
day, kids kids are really what'simportant, not your feelings
and emotions.
We're adults are really what'simportant, not your feelings and
emotions.
We're adults.
Demetrius (21:49):
We can suck it up a little bit and you know, move it
, move on with with our whatwe're feeling yeah, it's a shift
of focus, right, and so thennow fast forward to how old is
your daughter, by the way?
she's 10 10, okay, 10, and somoving forward to, and correct
me if I'm wrong, because this isme trying to do my homework on
you right as best I can.
So you have and I think you mayhave mentioned this to me
(22:11):
actually now that I think aboutit so there is a.
Is there a Bible study groupthat you have for single parents
?
Can you talk to me more aboutthat?
Denisse (22:19):
Yes, so our church does what we call e-groups and
they're just Bible study groupsthat just volunteers choose to
do, and it could be anything.
It can be couples, it can besingle people, it could be
everybody, it can be families,it could be youth and it could
be any topic.
(22:39):
It can be like I have a singlemom's group, but it can be
marriage couples.
It can be veterans, it could beveterans, it could be addicts,
recovering addicts, it could be.
It just depends on what thatperson likes, what, what group
they want to lead, what, what,what the audience is.
So I just start one it'll bethree years in June single,
(23:00):
single moms, no matter the age,because, like I said, little you
need help, big you need help.
So I have, and mine's online.
So we have.
Our church has about, I want tosay, 20 campuses, so you can
either do it in person group,where you meet at somebody's
home, or at church, but mine'sonline because we have people
(23:24):
all over, not just the US butthe world.
So mine is online on Wednesdaysand normally what we do is
we'll watch the sermon on aSunday and we'll discuss it, or
we do bible.
We do like either bible studiesor even book studies.
We've done like different bookstudies, that on self-help, on
(23:45):
just different different likethings.
So we talk about how, whetherit's honestly like a sisterhood
and I feel like you do as asingle parent you need a
community of people that aregoing to be there for you.
I call it my village.
I call my village because it'snot just a family for a person,
it's not a, it's literally likeyou need people like, especially
(24:09):
, you know, if you're workinglate and somebody needs to go
pick up your child, like youknow his auntie, uncle or a
cousin somebody, and, uh, withour group because we're online,
you know, a lot of times it'sjust more like asking for prayer
or kind of opening up in agroup, talking about what we're
going through and everybody kindof giving advice.
(24:31):
But and again, it's more justfor safe space for us to share
what we're going through and howwe can come together and
support that person at that time, whether again it'd be prayer
or if she's like know what do Ido or what should be my next
step or how should I handle this, so advice or whatever.
But again I like the fact thatit's judgment-free zone, just a
(24:56):
safe space to talk about whatyou're going through, your
feelings and emotions, and notjust because there's a bible
group saying like, oh my gosh,like it's been a great week and
it's just amazing and our life'sgreat and you know, we love the
lord and we're blessed, we are.
But guess what?
Last week my son had a fightwith me, like you know, talking
about the moms, like my sonfought with me and his
(25:17):
girlfriend and they left thehome, and talking about real
life situations and real lifefeelings and real life scenarios
.
You know, and just, I think youneed that so much and
especially with the whole COVIDthing, I think we lack so much
of that support in that humanside of the situations that we
(25:40):
go through.
And the more you isolate, theworse it is.
And I have girls from all over,like I have a girl from Canada,
I have a person from SouthAmerica, but I have Florida,
texas, new York, pa, kentucky,connecticut.
Do I have a Tennessee?
(26:01):
I used to have a Tennessee.
So it's, it's all over, yeah,and it's, it's just wonderful to
like, no matter what background, I have all kinds of
backgrounds, like I have black,white, hispanic, um, younger,
older, uh, little kids, big kids, adult kids, um, it doesn't, it
doesn't matter, you still need,like you need, each other a lot
(26:24):
of times definitely so.
Demetrius (26:26):
Somebody listening now, that's like that sounds
amazing.
I needed not necessarily anoutlet, but, like you're saying,
a village.
How can somebody find you guys?
Denisse (26:37):
um, do you have a website, youtube, anything like
that, that they can reach out toemail, anything like that
normally so we have through thechurch um, on the church website
there's a area that sayse-groups and that's normally
where you go.
You click on that and again itnarrows it from male, female.
(27:00):
There's men's groups too, um,and then, like mine, would be
women's, and then it'll justit'll have a listing of what
groups and they're all differentdates, different times and
different needs.
So that's normally what happens.
You can go on the elevationcomwebsite and then you'll see
e-groups.
It'll say they have like churchcommunity.
(27:20):
It'll say church community, goto e-groups and then you'll see
the group on there listed.
But again, it might as well beon Wednesdays, but there's
Saturdays, sunday, on Tuesday,on a Monday it could be 11 am or
it can be, you know, orstay-at-home moms, it can be on
a Tuesday at 10 am, you know.
So that's normally how peoplewould be able to find a
(27:43):
community.
Even our church does what theycall pop--ups too.
So even if there's areas in thechurch that there's not a
location per se, they go andvisit and do a weekend church
pop-up, um, so, because myco-leader actually lives in PA,
she's one of my best friends, um, and she's still in the Lehigh
(28:04):
Valley area, so yeah, it'sbetter up here.
I don't know about all that.
Demetrius (28:11):
I have family in North Carolina, like the Rocky
Mountain area, yeah, so I thinkthat's North.
I forget if it's North or South.
It's been a while I have to go.
Denisse (28:20):
I think it's Northern because Charlotte's really we're
like 30 minutes from SouthCarolina.
Well, at least where I'm at,I'm like 25 minutes from South
Carolina.
Okay, well, at least where I'mat, I'm like 25 minutes from
South Carolina.
So it's kind of like inBethlehem you're close to Jersey
, like Phillipsburg, kind oflike that.
Demetrius (28:35):
So we're more south.
Denisse (28:36):
Yeah, we're more south.
Demetrius (28:38):
So then, okay, so I'm going to break it up a little
bit.
As far as parents are concerned, I am a big foodie, right.
So I like um, I like eating, Ilike good food, um, and I so I
had a quote that I heard oncefrom a movie, uh, and it talked
(28:59):
about um, you know how, likeeating pie, like it's like okay,
well, why don't you eat pie?
I have this, this, this to do,I don't have time to sit down, I
don't have time to kind ofbreak this up.
I have I'm, I'm busy, I can'tdo that.
But they say, when you sit downand you actually eat pie or you
just eat, just calm yourselfdown, you separate yourself from
the situation and you get totime to think, reflect your
(29:22):
thoughts, and it doesn't have tobe food, but for me it's food,
um.
Denisse (29:26):
So I'm a foodie too, yeah what?
Demetrius (29:29):
what's your favorite food, um, that you like to eat?
Denisse (29:32):
that kind of chills you out and comes you know it's
tough because I like all kindsof food but chips and salsa
chips and salsa okay chips andlike if my friends and I have
had a tough week or or wehaven't seen each other in a
minute and we're like we need adate, we're definitely going to
a Mexican restaurant becausewe're gonna sit and we're gonna
(29:53):
have some chips and salsa andsome tacos and that just like
winds me down, like throw mesome chips and guac.
I'm a happy girl that's awesome.
Demetrius (30:02):
Is there a particular place you like going to?
Uh took a spot're like, oh no,we gotta go.
Denisse (30:08):
That's my spot, we gotta go there so, okay, in the
south here there's tons ofplaces like all over the place
that I mean there's tons, um,but there's, there's actually a
place by the church, um, it'scalled la victoria and it's
literally across from church andhalf the time, like we got to
(30:31):
the point where we're going likeevery other week right after
church because we would serve,so we'd be there all day like
serving and whatever.
So just to unwind we'd go tothe point where my daughter is
so sick of it, like she's, she'slike we're not, we're not going
there again.
I'm sorry, sorry, and she likesthe food.
It's not that she don't likethe food.
Demetrius (30:52):
Right.
Denisse (30:53):
She's like mom.
My parents were here about amonth ago and I was like, after
church, we got to go there.
And she like she's, she'soblivious to what, excuse me?
So we're after church, we gothere, and she gets out the door
.
She's like, oh no, not again,mom, I'm like I haven't been
here like two months.
First of all, she's like mom,come on, so I love me some
(31:17):
italian food.
I love me, of course, hispanicfood, um, but, but get, bring on
, bring on the chips and salsaand take me to mexican
restaurant.
I'm happy that's awesome.
Demetrius (31:29):
Yeah, I'm gonna eat your chips and guac.
Denisse (31:30):
Okay, all right, um, yes love that, love, love and
some queso, a good queso oh yeah, I'll take that any day of the
week uh, maybe you'll go thissunday, oh I don't think my
daughter's gonna be be happywith that.
No, mom, you promised Peopleare not going to come in the
video.
I have some.
Demetrius (31:54):
I think it's only like two questions this time.
Usually I have like three ormore or so, but these are
questions I pulled online thathas to do with parenting or
something similar, like justasking certain guests about you
know these questions just tokind of help the person out,
whether it be a parent, orsometimes even kids will be like
oh, I don't like my mom becauseshe did this um, and it's like
(32:16):
all right, calm down, you'restill a kid.
So it's good to kind of likemaybe give some feedback,
whether they read it or not.
I've had some in the past whereI posted literally right after
a podcast and people wereanswering like silly questions,
but she was happy that I wasable to give an actual, concrete
, like thoughtful answer.
Yeah me the guest, though, so Ilike just doing that every so
(32:37):
often.
So do you mind if I ask these?
I think it's too no, not at allum, okay, so this one is saying
that should parents or otherfamily members not before coming
into a 17 year old's room?
Now I didn't say who thequestion is from, whether it be
the kid or the parent, but justin general, at that age where
it's like, all right, you're notan adult, you know, but you're
(33:00):
a teen, you know you want to berespectful of the kids, but also
, I know certain parents arethis is my house, I'll open the
door, whatever if I.
Uh, whether you like it or not,how do you feel about something
like that?
If a 17-year-old, would youknock, or are you just like?
You know what?
I don't care, it's my place.
What do you think?
Denisse (33:17):
I do think I do knock For my son.
I did knock.
After a certain age he wantshis privacy, which is
understandable.
Now, I didn't grow up with thatprivilege.
But, yes, I do believe thatthey do deserve a certain amount
of privacy because they'regrowing.
(33:37):
They're growing, they'rechanging.
It's weird, especially now, inthe world that we live in today,
it's so difficult to be a child.
The world that we live in today, it's so difficult to be a
child, especially with all theaccess they have.
They have you know.
I do think that it's justrespectful and I think, again,
they go through so much Likekindness starts at home.
(34:03):
If we're not kind to ourchildren and we're not showing
them that we support them and welove them and we're here to
them, what, what, what theyexpect outside of the home, you
know, and and and how this wasto come to us and trust us and
open up to us, if we can't evengive them just a simple request
of knocking on a door before wecome in.
(34:25):
So I do believe that I thinkthat's such a minimum thing and
unless you know they've brokenyour trust many times, then
setting those boundaries aheadof time, saying listen,
unfortunately, because you'vedone X, y and Z.
I can't trust you with the doorclosed, so you're going to have
to leave your door open and,unfortunately, until you prove
that you can be trusted, then wegonna have to build up to that.
(34:47):
But otherwise, I think, youknow, I think that's the minimum
we can do it's not gonna do her.
I mean, I don't have privacy,not even in the bathroom half
the time with my daughter andeven, I think, when my son was
home.
But in a dog there's zeroprivacy and so, um, I I do think
that we, that we can knock onthe door, it's not a problem.
Demetrius (35:08):
Yeah, it's not a problem at all.
I feel the same way.
So, and one more question hereso I'm not phrasing it in the
way the person phrased it, butin layman's terms what?
So this person's mom doesn'twant him to move, him or her to
move out?
How do you make it easier forthe parent?
Denisse (35:30):
when person's finally leaving the nest that's hard, um
, I'll say, because, I mean, myson went to college.
Um, I moved and that was toughfor me.
To leave him, even though Iknew he was going to college,
still felt like um and I hate touse the word abandoned, cause I
(35:53):
didn't, but it felt that wayand, um, I think he may have
felt that way.
He just will never say that tome, um, but I think it's very
important, at least for me.
We have to transition ourrelationship from us being the
main person in their life andgiving them all these directions
(36:13):
like no, you got to do this,you got to do that to you know
they're young adults.
You know they're young peoplethat are learning their way
through life, so they're notlittle babies anymore.
So I think now I'm not sayingit's an easy transition, because
I'm still in the process oflearning and I tell my son all
the time I think transparency isvery important, Sitting with
(36:35):
your child and talking to them.
There's nothing wrong withfeelings and emotions and I
think that we try to be.
At least for me it was likesuper woman, super super mom.
I'll do it all and I'll justkeep my feelings hidden and I'll
just die inside.
Cool, great.
No, I think our children needto see you know us being
(36:58):
vulnerable and being transparentand being honest and truthful,
because that's what we expect ofthem too.
So we expect for them to tellus the truth and tell us how
they feel and count on us, butyet we're not accepting that of
ourselves, which doesn't makeany sense.
But so for me at least.
You know I've had manyconversations with my son when
(37:18):
he visits, like you know, likeit's so hard.
But if they're 18 and they'removing out or they're 20, guess
what?
They don't have to include youin anything.
They don't have to tell you adarn thing.
So at least if you're againbeing open and honest with them,
you're at least opening thatdoor for them to do the same
(37:39):
with you and and just reassuringthem that whenever they need,
or if they just need a, you knowsomebody to talk to or your
door's always gonna be open.
And I always say that to my son,like, if you want to, I would
love for you to be with me here,but they have to make their own
decisions, so you also have tolet them fly and let them fall
(38:03):
and get back up.
Doesn't mean you're not gonnabe there for them.
But I do think honesty,transparency and also just love,
love and care and understanding, because I love my parents to
death.
They're wonderful parents, butthey think I'm still 12 years
(38:24):
old, you know.
So, like I think, now they'regetting to the point where it's
like I got to let them maketheir own decisions and well,
yeah, thank God, I'm like 47years old now.
But so it's like you know, Ithink the sooner you get to that
where you're like, all right,they're, they're an adult.
(38:49):
So, regardless of what I say ordo, they're going to do what
they want to do.
But at least if I make sure thatI tell them that I love them
and I'm here, no matter what, Ialways tell my son and my
daughter my love for you willnever change.
My love is never going to bewavered.
I will never stop loving you.
Now, I may not agree with yourdecisions.
I may not agree with alifestyle choice or things that
you will do or won't do, butthat will never change the love
(39:14):
that I have for you.
I may be hurt, something maydisappoint me or whatever, but
just know that my love willnever change.
I'm always going to love you,regardless Whether you want me
to be in your life or not, Ialways going to love you,
regardless.
Whether you want me to be inyour life or not, I'm going to
love you.
So also, I think, reassuringour kids that again, we're
(39:36):
somebody that you can count on,we're going to be here.
I think that's so importantbecause, again, not my parent,
my parents didn't, you know,mean any ill will anything, but
I think our kids need to hearthat from us parents.
They need to hear that we lovethem and that we're here for
them, and sometimes that makes ahuge difference.
(39:57):
And also, maybe at some point,if they're making a wrong choice
like I remember mom said thisIt'll come to them at some point
.
Demetrius (40:06):
Yes, you know, I always say that there's some
things that I didn't reallythink about or care about until
I got older and I'm like, oh,that's what they're talking
about, and I try hard with myown son to try to, you know, say
stuff, but if he's not takingto it, it's like I don't take
offense, it's like he'll give ita few years, you know.
Then you know they have to havetheir own experiences to kind
(40:27):
of know what we're saying.
What does that even mean?
Denisse (40:30):
And something that we say in our group all the time,
because we have to remindourselves.
We always joke around and wealways say and I think they even
up the age, if I'm not mistaken, but we always joke around we
say our children's brain is notfully developed until they're 25
years old.
Demetrius (40:48):
Yeah, yep.
Denisse (40:48):
Right, so my son's 20.
Okay, so a lot of the stuffthat he's doing, dumb decisions.
Guess what?
One, I probably did it.
And two, his brain is not fullydeveloped.
So, unfortunately, right, westill have to continue to
nurture and love and teach, andso we always joke around with
(41:09):
that like gotta go back to.
They're not fully developed.
I have to have patience andunderstanding and, um, and even
if they're older, like we justhave to as parents.
We were put in their lives fora reason and one of those is to
love and respect them and carefor them, no matter what the
(41:34):
situation is.
Demetrius (41:35):
So yeah, the development thing.
Yeah, I've heard.
I forget what the age is too,but that's why I think they're
saying like males 27.
Denisse (41:42):
I'm like, oh gosh, I'm going to have to wait more than
that.
Like, please no.
I mean not that my son's likebattered, he's wonderful.
Like listen, he's amazing.
And I just joke around with himlike the whole grandparent
thing.
I'm like I know you're oldenough, but mama don't want to
be a grandma yet.
I'm like listen, I'm justtrying to be unrealistic, you
(42:06):
know what I'm saying?
Like he's 20.
He can technically Right, so wejoke around.
I'm like please don't, Pleasedon't Resist the urge Resist no.
And he gets upset when he's likereally, mom, like that's what
you wanted to talk to me about,like I'm not even.
Demetrius (42:22):
I'm like I'm just saying exactly, just say you can
do what you want, just say, um,all right.
So those are the questions.
I don't get how you had to, but, um, there's a question I
usually ask, just in general forall the guests that I talk to,
which is um, if you were to goback in time, knowing what you
know now you talk, you see youryounger self he's hey, hold up
(42:45):
real quick, I have something totell you.
What would you tell youryounger self about?
Maybe any changes you wouldmake, any thoughts, feelings,
things to do?
Would you tell yourself to doanything differently if you had
to go back in time and do itagain?
Denisse (43:01):
Yes, I think something we talk about a lot in our group
is healing.
Um, something we talk about alot in our group is healing.
I think, um, a lot of themistakes I I made with with
relationships, or just you knowthe way that I I kind of even
just kind of the relationship Ihad with my daughter's dad, I
(43:23):
didn't, I didn't heal myselfafter a breakup.
I didn't heal myself after abreakup.
I didn't let my heart gothrough a grieving process and a
time of finding who I reallywas and who I should be, and
kind of jumping from onerelationship to another and
things like that.
And I think I would definitelytell myself that I would
(43:46):
definitely have God at thecenter of my heart a lot sooner
because I would have probablyless heartache.
But just also, I think justhealing because you find out so
much when you have the time tobe nurtured and counseling
really helped me a lot to kindof we go through so many
(44:10):
childhood things that we don'tuh correlate with how we act as
adults um, so just kind of justhealing open wounds and and
things that happened in the pastI definitely would tell myself
that and again, my relationshipwas bad, because I feel like if
I didn't do it my way, Iprobably would have had a little
(44:31):
bit less painful life.
Demetrius (44:34):
Just a little bit.
Denisse (44:35):
Just a little bit.
I think a lot, but we're herenow.
Demetrius (44:43):
So that's a wrap for this episode of the Hangry
Parent Podcast.
If you're interested inlearning more information about
Elevation Church, links can befound in the description of this
episode, along with links toour own podcast social media
sites.
Thanks for listening.
So it was over a decade ago.
I want to say, during my earlyyears in college, that I
stumbled upon a study that trulyamazed me.
It was a pretty simple onePeople who follow a religion, no
matter what religion it is,tend to live longer.
Now it just wasn't about whatreligion you followed, more
about following a community,like being around the same
(00:23):
like-minded people who liftedyou up and having those positive
vibes that individuals canpotentially bring to your life.
Now, I'm no health expert and Idon't claim to be, and I'm sure
there are a variety of factorsto this, but as someone who's
always been drawn to themysteries of faith, but never
really consistent with going tochurch myself or reading the
(00:46):
religious texts like the Bible,for example, I was truly
dumbfounded.
It was so long ago so I don'tremember the exact details of
the study, but I found anotherone with similar information.
If you're interested in readingit, I put it in the description
.
Notes of this episode.
Notes of this episode.
(01:09):
Welcome to the Hangry ParentPodcast, where we satisfy not
only our hunger for deliciousfood but also our craving for
parental guidance.
So grab a snack settle in andjoin us as we navigate the
challenges of parenting one biteat a time time.
(01:30):
did I see you're a giants fan?
I think, yes, right, okay, um,I'm eagles fan, okay, so, and
I'm sure, like you used to liveup here and yes, okay, right in
this'm sure.
Denisse (01:42):
Yes, I got to eat for it, a lot, a lot.
Demetrius (01:46):
There's a mix, because being in PA is like,
especially this part of likeEastern Pennsylvania.
We get a lot of New York, a lotof you know Philly mix in, so
you see a lot of Giants fans too, but I'm sure it must've been a
pain in the butt being aroundall these Eagles fans.
Denisse (02:02):
Yes, absolutely.
Demetrius (02:04):
So this is Denise, a single mother's group leader at
her church.
Her goal is to help people makebetter versions of themselves.
More of that in a second, butfirst did I mention she's a New
York Giants fan.
Denisse (02:15):
I have a license plate in my car in the front that's
New York Giants and I have a lotof gear so I can go to the
grocery store and go get coldcuts and the person will be like
I'm not serving you with thatshirt on and I'm like what did I
?
Demetrius (02:29):
do what did?
Denisse (02:29):
I do so, and my dad is a Cowboys fan, oh yeah, so it's
like my brothers are Giants.
I have two brothers Myself.
My son is a Gi giant because ofmy brothers.
Demetrius (02:47):
Okay.
Denisse (02:49):
And my daughter was a giant until she felt compelled
to be a Cowboys fan because mydad, her papa, doesn't have
anybody in the family to joinhim and she feels sorry for him.
Demetrius (03:03):
Oh.
Denisse (03:03):
So she's a little bit of a traitor, but she used to be
.
I have tons of pictures of herwith my, you know, with our
drawing stuff.
But, um, I didn't actuallystart following football like
that until my son was born, okay, and um, he's 20 now and of
course when he was born he woreanything, and wore anything that
(03:24):
everybody would give him,because his dad is a 49ers fan.
But his mother, his brother,his stepdad, they're all Giants.
But I have two brothers.
One brother's the oldest, he'sa couple years older than me,
and a younger brother, and hewas always with my brother.
(03:44):
So he just became a Giants fan.
So I kind of just rode withwhatever he did.
So that's how that started, umand where are you from?
Demetrius (03:54):
then too as well, are you from?
I'm in Puerto Rico.
No, I was born in Puerto Rico.
Denisse (04:00):
I moved to the US when I was 12, okay, okay, so in PR
there was no football per se.
My brother followed all theUnited States sports Okay, so he
watched football.
Demetrius (04:12):
And what about football?
Football like soccer football.
Denisse (04:16):
No, no, no, no.
In PR it was more basketballbaseball.
Demetrius (04:20):
Gotcha Okay.
Denisse (04:21):
So of course we were Yankees fans.
I think a lot of people aregoing to say you're Yankees or
you're Mets most of the timeUntil like now I was in Houston,
texas.
There's other ones now, but forthe most part it's kind of what
you followed.
And then basketball is reallybig back home and actually
that's the correlation that mydad chose when he was picking
(04:44):
his NFL team.
So the city that we were born,we were from in Puerto Rico.
The basketball team there wascalled the Cowboys Vaqueros.
So when we moved here in 91, ofcourse that was the era of the
Cowboys, with Emma Smith andJordan Aikman, and you know, and
(05:06):
they were champions.
Of course that was the era ofthe Cowboys with Emma Smith and
Jordan Aikman, and you know, andthey were champions.
So he was like, oh, what betterteam to choose than Cowboys?
Um, and that's why he choseCowboys as opposed to my brother
.
Even when he was in Puerto Ricohe would watch American
football and was already aGiants fan.
So that's where the division isper se.
Demetrius (05:24):
Yeah.
Denisse (05:27):
But even my mom said, even my mom a.
Demetrius (05:28):
Giants fan.
So it's weird, okay.
And then so then Puerto Rico,right, and then you move.
Do you know whose decision wasthat?
And then how did you take tothe move afterwards?
Were you happy, sad, not, wereyou sure?
I'm not sure how young you werewhen you moved.
Denisse (05:42):
It was definitely it was my parents.
So in Puerto Rico we went toCatholic school because public
school wasn't the greatest andat that time it was three of us.
I have a sister as well and toput the three of us through
(06:03):
school would have been just theycouldn't afford it.
So they felt like coming to theUS would have been a better
opportunity for them, to just abetter life financially and just
opportunity-wise.
So I was 12.
, my brother was 14.
And my sister was 8.
(06:24):
But I knew very basic English,like a few words, and then my
brother knew a little bit moreand then my sister knew it none,
but she was going right intoelementary school.
I was the only one that had togo into ESL classes and I was
going into the seventh grade.
So it was difficult, definitelydifferent culture.
(06:47):
So culture shock, especiallygoing to catholic school and
going to public school, goingfrom going from like uniforms,
no uniforms, language, of course.
Um, it was, it was a lot, itwas was different for sure.
And then going from like oneweather all year round to like
(07:09):
Pennsylvania being all weatherand cold and snow.
Demetrius (07:13):
It was rough.
Do you like the snow now, or isit still like a?
Keep me away from the cold.
Denisse (07:21):
I absolutely hate it.
Demetrius (07:24):
Is that why you moved out?
Denisse (07:27):
Because you moved more south.
Now, right, guess I'm in northcarolina.
Uh, that was one of many, butit wasn't.
It was, it was up there, but itwasn't just the only reasons
all the areas of the country tomove to from puerto rico.
Demetrius (07:40):
Why, pa?
Was there any at the time andwas there any reason?
Was there any family herealready?
It's been easier, or?
Denisse (07:47):
no, actually I have a.
I had an aunt at the time thatlives in the Bronx.
I had visited her a coupletimes but, um, my parents
weren't fond of New York, um,but no, they had a.
Their childhood friends used tolive in Bethlehem in.
PA and they had went to visitand it seemed like a nice town
and it just seemed a little more, a lot more calm than the whole
(08:08):
hustle and bustle of new yorkand they felt like they had a
little bit more of a you knowcity where they can raise their
children and as opposed to thebig city, right so yeah, they
knew childhood friends like abalance here.
Demetrius (08:22):
You know it's like a little if you can be a little
bit in uh the quiet, but thenyou know, if you needed like the
big city stuff you can justdrive away right right, yep, it
wasn't that far so then what, ifyou don't mind me asking what
made you move then from PA toSouth a little?
Denisse (08:38):
more um.
So I knew I didn't, ever, Ididn't want to stay in PA
forever and my son loved, welived in Whitehall and he wanted
to stay in the same schooldistrict and I had bought a home
there and.
But I knew once and his dad andI shared custody, so I knew I
(08:59):
couldn't move before thatbecause his dad wouldn't have
been happy about that and Inever wanted to take him away
that his dad wouldn't have beenhappy about that, um, and I
never wanted to take him awayfrom his dad anyway.
So I knew once he graduated hewas going to go to school.
I was like this is myopportunity.
My daughter at the time wasseven, almost eight or eight,
just turning eight.
So I was like if I'm gonna move, I have to do it now before she
(09:21):
kind of grows roots and, youknow, establishes her little
friendships and stuff.
And I had looked at, of course,going south, because I don't
like the cold, but I had lookedat georgia, south carolina and
north carolina, um, but in 2020,you know, the whole world was
(09:41):
turned upside down, oh yeah.
And at that time, um, I wasjust going through a lot with
work and just life in generaland I went through a really,
really hard time in my lifewhere I felt like the Lord was
calling me back to Him.
And I have found ElevationChurch and actually through
(10:04):
worship I had snippets ofpastors speaking, but it was
more the worship that caught myeye.
I grew up Catholic and Iactually have tried, like most,
every religion out there I'vegone to Lutheran church, I've
gone to Baptist, I've gone toanything but I just feel like my
(10:29):
faith is more your relationship, your personal relationship
with God, as opposed to areligion or a stamp on what are
you.
So once I found Elevation, itjust changed my whole
perspective on how I view theLord and in my faith and my
foundation with God.
(10:50):
And at that time they havetheir main church here in
Charlotte in North Carolina, andI wanted to make the decision
to be baptized and me and mychildren drove to down to visit
so I could get baptized.
And I just felt at that momentthat God was speaking to me and
moving me here because I wantedto just have a little more
(11:13):
purpose to to my life, to justdo, do something God wanted me
to do as opposed to me, and Ijust felt called to be down here
and be more proactive in thechurch and serve and just just
just help others.
You know every little bit helps, but so that's really kind of
what made my decision to movedown here.
I don't have any family here,so it was it was, it was a leap
(11:38):
of faith and my family was nothappy about it so.
Demetrius (11:42):
Elevation Church how did you find the church?
What kind of led you to, youknow, finding them?
I'm pretty curious.
Denisse (11:50):
YouTube videos of worship.
I actually I love more gospeland I was listening to a lot
more gospel than anything, but Icame across Graves and Civil
Gardens, across um graves andcivil gardens and I just
remember, you know, because,like once you start on youtube
(12:11):
and you watch a video, it givesyou like suggestions.
Yes, and it clicked and it right.
So I went to that song and Iremember just seeing like this
it looked like a rock and rollguy with like long curly hair,
bunch, bunch of tattoos, with aguitar, and that piqued my
interest.
And then behind him is thischorus and it's every color age,
(12:34):
it's so diverse, it just justeverything representative black,
white, hispanic, asian, young,old, whatever.
And I'm like, where is this?
And I want to go there.
I want to be there Because,especially moving from Puerto
(12:54):
Rico to here, we got a lot oflike well, you look white, you
don't look Puerto Rican.
Or, for example, like our familydynamics.
So my parents my dad istechnically not, he's not my
biological father, but he raisedme, so in Puerto Rico, it's
(13:15):
like dad, my two youngersiblings are from him and me and
my older brother from my mom'sfirst marriage.
So, like we say brother andsister, we don't like, oh,
that's my half sister, that's myhalf brother, like it's just so
different here, like I don'tknow, it's just that whole
(13:35):
labeling thing was really toughfor me when I moved here.
And you know, like so when Iand I have, I have a lot of
tattoos you can't really reallysee them, but I have tons of
tattoos.
I have 14, maybe 15.
I have quite a few and going toCatholic church that was very
frowned upon.
People wouldn't even shake myhand, to be honest with you.
(13:56):
Yeah.
So, and part of the part of themass it's to give people peace,
like peace be with you.
And you shake people's handsand they'd be like, oh, it's
okay, peace be with you, Ipromise I don't have cooties.
Demetrius (14:12):
That was a COVID thing.
Denisse (14:13):
That was pre-COVID, so that was COVID.
It wasn't an excuse yet.
So when I saw that video, I wasjust like and then, of course,
words, of course the, the, thewords to the video and just what
it represented.
You know, I, I, I wasimmediately, I was hooked.
(14:33):
I then, of course, it gives youmore elevation worship songs.
And then came the blessing andI was like, oh my God, I love
that song.
And then it just and I startedwatching the sermons and the way
that our pastor preaches.
I don't know, it's just, there'ssomething about it that is very
frank and very forward and Ifeel like he talks about his own
(14:54):
flaws and I can appreciate thatas a parent that messes up.
Talking about.
You know how we we're humans.
At the end of the day, comingto God doesn't mean you have to
come clean and you have to beperfect.
You don't go to the hospitalbecause you're well.
You go to the hospital becauseyou're sick, right?
(15:15):
So it's the same thing withchurch.
I think so many of us have thisperception of like well, when I
get myself together, I'll go,and it's like well, no, that's
the whole point.
The Lord wants you now.
He doesn't want you when you'rewell, he wants to use you now
because you can help others withwhat you're going through.
(15:36):
He didn't pick in the Bible.
He didn't pick perfect people,that's for sure.
So I was immediately justloving what they stand for, was
immediately, just, you know,loving what they stand for, what
they do.
And and then, being on campus,I serve in the kids ministry, so
(15:57):
I just I, I'm thankful, I dofeel a sense of purpose with
that and I do feel like he'sleading me in a way of kind of
doing my little part, I guess,because it's not like you're
saving the world, but even ifyou change somebody's life, it's
still very significant.
Demetrius (16:15):
Exactly.
Yeah, I was about to say alittle bit to us, but maybe a
lot to somebody else, right?
Denisse (16:22):
Yeah, sure.
Demetrius (16:23):
So then I have more questions about the church and I
think there's like a biblestudy group that you're part of,
but I'll get to that in asecond, I believe.
But kind of rewinding backbefore getting to that um you
were mentioning about, you know,your son, like shared custody.
Uh, I'm trying to get peoplethat are probably in the same
boat, probably listening, um,that are, like you know, in that
(16:45):
tough situation of, yeah, Idon't know how I'm gonna get
through this.
I didn't plan on having to haveshared custody.
I thought I was going to be theperson I was going to be with
forever and now going into this,how did that process go with
getting shared custody and howdid you find your way of calming
yourself down through theprocess?
(17:06):
There's a lot to have to dealwith.
Denisse (17:08):
It's a lot and I think it's funny because I have two
completely different scenarioswith each of my children.
So my son's father and I, wewere on and off for six and a
half years and then, when my sonturned five, it was kind of
like we're done, done, I can'tkeep doing this and we went
(17:30):
through a rough patch, becausethere's feelings, there are
emotions, you know, but thedifference I feel like with his
dad and I was that we never lostsight of what was important,
which was my son's wellbeing,and I think that's what a lot of
times we get so caught up inour own feelings and our own
emotions that we forget aboutthat.
Um, and as much as that personhurts you, at the end of the day
(17:54):
, what's best, the best interestof the child, is really what
should be important.
So we had a difficult in thesense of like.
We didn't like each other for aminute.
However, you know, my son hadfootball and basketball and
baseball.
We had to, we had to be cord.
And baseball.
We had to, we had to be cordial.
We had to didn't mean we had toget along, we had to like, be
perfect with each other, justhad to be that we had to be
present and we had to make surethat, as parents, we were
(18:18):
showing him that, even if we'renot together, we're still going
to be here for you.
And I think, like having thatas a focus is really important,
because he's one of, like, mybest friends and we're having a
talk all the time um, especiallyfootball, because people
football.
But just even with it, when ifI'm having a family situation, I
do come up and be like, can youbelieve this?
(18:39):
I'm a 30?
Like oh, I came out, you know.
So it does get to the pointwhere it does get better at
least for us it did and alsounderstanding that this is
family forever.
Whoever said at 18 years old,you're done, that's a straight
lie.
So, having to first take thatexpectation out of the equation,
(19:04):
you're not done at 18.
Actually and somebody told methis when my son was younger and
I never understood it till, ofcourse, he was older but
somebody said to me like littlekids, little problems, big kids,
big problems.
Amen to that.
So you need that other parentthere more than ever because
you're a team, and that'sanother thing.
(19:26):
So, like if it wasn't for hisdad being my counterpart, I
honestly think my son would walkall over me because that's my
boo, that's my boy.
Him and I were riding togetherfor 10 years, by ourselves, you
know, and so as he got older, Ineeded that father figure to be
there for him and put him in hisplace because he could walk all
(19:49):
over me.
And if you don't have that,that understanding, I think the
child kids are smart they willuse that to their advantage and
they're going to use thatagainst each other.
They'll put you guys againsteach other.
So if you don't have at leastthat common ground in saying
when there's an issue, I'll belike listen, listen.
After work you need to comehere, we need to talk to Abdul,
(20:10):
and he'd be right there.
That was really crucial, I think, at least for us to continue to
parent, and, thank God, weagreed on mostly everything,
like when it came to a lot ofthe situations that we had with
our son, lot of the situationsthat we had with our son.
Um, then, on the other spectrumof the of the situation, like
(20:31):
my daughter's father.
She hasn't seen him since she'sa year old.
So then it's like me, myselfand I, in the sense of like,
when there is a difficultsituation, I'm like I can't call
her dad and be like, listen,after, after work, you need to
come in.
We got to talk to her Like Igot to figure it out by myself
and on top of that it's a girl,so it's like it's a lot.
(20:53):
But I think, again, it's makingsure that, regardless of what
you and that other person aregoing through, that has to stand
separate when it comes towhat's the best interest for
your child and maintain it asnormal as possible.
You know what I mean, likecontinuing to okay the schedule
of the school and the sports andand whatever the kids are
(21:16):
currently doing, and knowingthat at some point it does get a
little better and easier.
And and family and and again,it's not just you and the dad,
it's the families.
Like his family is my family,my family is his family.
We do holidays together, youknow it's.
You know birthdays getting to apoint where, at the end of the
(21:39):
day, kids kids are really what'simportant, not your feelings
and emotions.
We're adults are really what'simportant, not your feelings and
emotions.
We're adults.
Demetrius (21:49):
We can suck it up a little bit and you know, move it
, move on with with our whatwe're feeling yeah, it's a shift
of focus, right, and so thennow fast forward to how old is
your daughter, by the way?
she's 10 10, okay, 10, and somoving forward to, and correct
me if I'm wrong, because this isme trying to do my homework on
you right as best I can.
So you have and I think you mayhave mentioned this to me
(22:11):
actually now that I think aboutit so there is a.
Is there a Bible study groupthat you have for single parents
?
Can you talk to me more aboutthat?
Denisse (22:19):
Yes, so our church does what we call e-groups and
they're just Bible study groupsthat just volunteers choose to
do, and it could be anything.
It can be couples, it can besingle people, it could be
everybody, it can be families,it could be youth and it could
be any topic.
(22:39):
It can be like I have a singlemom's group, but it can be
marriage couples.
It can be veterans, it could beveterans, it could be addicts,
recovering addicts, it could be.
It just depends on what thatperson likes, what, what group
they want to lead, what, what,what the audience is.
So I just start one it'll bethree years in June single,
(23:00):
single moms, no matter the age,because, like I said, little you
need help, big you need help.
So I have, and mine's online.
So we have.
Our church has about, I want tosay, 20 campuses, so you can
either do it in person group,where you meet at somebody's
home, or at church, but mine'sonline because we have people
(23:24):
all over, not just the US butthe world.
So mine is online on Wednesdaysand normally what we do is
we'll watch the sermon on aSunday and we'll discuss it, or
we do bible.
We do like either bible studiesor even book studies.
We've done like different bookstudies, that on self-help, on
(23:45):
just different different likethings.
So we talk about how, whetherit's honestly like a sisterhood
and I feel like you do as asingle parent you need a
community of people that aregoing to be there for you.
I call it my village.
I call my village because it'snot just a family for a person,
it's not a, it's literally likeyou need people like, especially
(24:09):
, you know, if you're workinglate and somebody needs to go
pick up your child, like youknow his auntie, uncle or a
cousin somebody, and, uh, withour group because we're online,
you know, a lot of times it'sjust more like asking for prayer
or kind of opening up in agroup, talking about what we're
going through and everybody kindof giving advice.
(24:31):
But and again, it's more justfor safe space for us to share
what we're going through and howwe can come together and
support that person at that time, whether again it'd be prayer
or if she's like know what do Ido or what should be my next
step or how should I handle this, so advice or whatever.
But again I like the fact thatit's judgment-free zone, just a
(24:56):
safe space to talk about whatyou're going through, your
feelings and emotions, and notjust because there's a bible
group saying like, oh my gosh,like it's been a great week and
it's just amazing and our life'sgreat and you know, we love the
lord and we're blessed, we are.
But guess what?
Last week my son had a fightwith me, like you know, talking
about the moms, like my sonfought with me and his
(25:17):
girlfriend and they left thehome, and talking about real
life situations and real lifefeelings and real life scenarios
.
You know, and just, I think youneed that so much and
especially with the whole COVIDthing, I think we lack so much
of that support in that humanside of the situations that we
(25:40):
go through.
And the more you isolate, theworse it is.
And I have girls from all over,like I have a girl from Canada,
I have a person from SouthAmerica, but I have Florida,
texas, new York, pa, kentucky,connecticut.
Do I have a Tennessee?
(26:01):
I used to have a Tennessee.
So it's, it's all over, yeah,and it's, it's just wonderful to
like, no matter what background, I have all kinds of
backgrounds, like I have black,white, hispanic, um, younger,
older, uh, little kids, big kids, adult kids, um, it doesn't, it
doesn't matter, you still need,like you need, each other a lot
(26:24):
of times definitely so.
Demetrius (26:26):
Somebody listening now, that's like that sounds
amazing.
I needed not necessarily anoutlet, but, like you're saying,
a village.
How can somebody find you guys?
Denisse (26:37):
um, do you have a website, youtube, anything like
that, that they can reach out toemail, anything like that
normally so we have through thechurch um, on the church website
there's a area that sayse-groups and that's normally
where you go.
You click on that and again itnarrows it from male, female.
(27:00):
There's men's groups too, um,and then, like mine, would be
women's, and then it'll justit'll have a listing of what
groups and they're all differentdates, different times and
different needs.
So that's normally what happens.
You can go on the elevationcomwebsite and then you'll see
e-groups.
It'll say they have like churchcommunity.
(27:20):
It'll say church community, goto e-groups and then you'll see
the group on there listed.
But again, it might as well beon Wednesdays, but there's
Saturdays, sunday, on Tuesday,on a Monday it could be 11 am or
it can be, you know, orstay-at-home moms, it can be on
a Tuesday at 10 am, you know.
So that's normally how peoplewould be able to find a
(27:43):
community.
Even our church does what theycall pop--ups too.
So even if there's areas in thechurch that there's not a
location per se, they go andvisit and do a weekend church
pop-up, um, so, because myco-leader actually lives in PA,
she's one of my best friends, um, and she's still in the Lehigh
(28:04):
Valley area, so yeah, it'sbetter up here.
I don't know about all that.
Demetrius (28:11):
I have family in North Carolina, like the Rocky
Mountain area, yeah, so I thinkthat's North.
I forget if it's North or South.
It's been a while I have to go.
Denisse (28:20):
I think it's Northern because Charlotte's really we're
like 30 minutes from SouthCarolina.
Well, at least where I'm at,I'm like 25 minutes from South
Carolina.
Okay, well, at least where I'mat, I'm like 25 minutes from
South Carolina.
So it's kind of like inBethlehem you're close to Jersey
, like Phillipsburg, kind oflike that.
Demetrius (28:35):
So we're more south.
Denisse (28:36):
Yeah, we're more south.
Demetrius (28:38):
So then, okay, so I'm going to break it up a little
bit.
As far as parents are concerned, I am a big foodie, right.
So I like um, I like eating, Ilike good food, um, and I so I
had a quote that I heard oncefrom a movie, uh, and it talked
(28:59):
about um, you know how, likeeating pie, like it's like okay,
well, why don't you eat pie?
I have this, this, this to do,I don't have time to sit down, I
don't have time to kind ofbreak this up.
I have I'm, I'm busy, I can'tdo that.
But they say, when you sit downand you actually eat pie or you
just eat, just calm yourselfdown, you separate yourself from
the situation and you get totime to think, reflect your
(29:22):
thoughts, and it doesn't have tobe food, but for me it's food,
um.
Denisse (29:26):
So I'm a foodie too, yeah what?
Demetrius (29:29):
what's your favorite food, um, that you like to eat?
Denisse (29:32):
that kind of chills you out and comes you know it's
tough because I like all kindsof food but chips and salsa
chips and salsa okay chips andlike if my friends and I have
had a tough week or or wehaven't seen each other in a
minute and we're like we need adate, we're definitely going to
a Mexican restaurant becausewe're gonna sit and we're gonna
(29:53):
have some chips and salsa andsome tacos and that just like
winds me down, like throw mesome chips and guac.
I'm a happy girl that's awesome.
Demetrius (30:02):
Is there a particular place you like going to?
Uh took a spot're like, oh no,we gotta go.
Denisse (30:08):
That's my spot, we gotta go there so, okay, in the
south here there's tons ofplaces like all over the place
that I mean there's tons, um,but there's, there's actually a
place by the church, um, it'scalled la victoria and it's
literally across from church andhalf the time, like we got to
(30:31):
the point where we're going likeevery other week right after
church because we would serve,so we'd be there all day like
serving and whatever.
So just to unwind we'd go tothe point where my daughter is
so sick of it, like she's, she'slike we're not, we're not going
there again.
I'm sorry, sorry, and she likesthe food.
It's not that she don't likethe food.
Demetrius (30:52):
Right.
Denisse (30:53):
She's like mom.
My parents were here about amonth ago and I was like, after
church, we got to go there.
And she like she's, she'soblivious to what, excuse me?
So we're after church, we gothere, and she gets out the door
.
She's like, oh no, not again,mom, I'm like I haven't been
here like two months.
First of all, she's like mom,come on, so I love me some
(31:17):
italian food.
I love me, of course, hispanicfood, um, but, but get, bring on
, bring on the chips and salsaand take me to mexican
restaurant.
I'm happy that's awesome.
Demetrius (31:29):
Yeah, I'm gonna eat your chips and guac.
Denisse (31:30):
Okay, all right, um, yes love that, love, love and
some queso, a good queso oh yeah, I'll take that any day of the
week uh, maybe you'll go thissunday, oh I don't think my
daughter's gonna be be happywith that.
No, mom, you promised Peopleare not going to come in the
video.
I have some.
Demetrius (31:54):
I think it's only like two questions this time.
Usually I have like three ormore or so, but these are
questions I pulled online thathas to do with parenting or
something similar, like justasking certain guests about you
know these questions just tokind of help the person out,
whether it be a parent, orsometimes even kids will be like
oh, I don't like my mom becauseshe did this um, and it's like
(32:16):
all right, calm down, you'restill a kid.
So it's good to kind of likemaybe give some feedback,
whether they read it or not.
I've had some in the past whereI posted literally right after
a podcast and people wereanswering like silly questions,
but she was happy that I wasable to give an actual, concrete
, like thoughtful answer.
Yeah me the guest, though, so Ilike just doing that every so
(32:37):
often.
So do you mind if I ask these?
I think it's too no, not at allum, okay, so this one is saying
that should parents or otherfamily members not before coming
into a 17 year old's room?
Now I didn't say who thequestion is from, whether it be
the kid or the parent, but justin general, at that age where
it's like, all right, you're notan adult, you know, but you're
(33:00):
a teen, you know you want to berespectful of the kids, but also
, I know certain parents arethis is my house, I'll open the
door, whatever if I.
Uh, whether you like it or not,how do you feel about something
like that?
If a 17-year-old, would youknock, or are you just like?
You know what?
I don't care, it's my place.
What do you think?
Denisse (33:17):
I do think I do knock For my son.
I did knock.
After a certain age he wantshis privacy, which is
understandable.
Now, I didn't grow up with thatprivilege.
But, yes, I do believe thatthey do deserve a certain amount
of privacy because they'regrowing.
(33:37):
They're growing, they'rechanging.
It's weird, especially now, inthe world that we live in today,
it's so difficult to be a child.
The world that we live in today, it's so difficult to be a
child, especially with all theaccess they have.
They have you know.
I do think that it's justrespectful and I think, again,
they go through so much Likekindness starts at home.
(34:03):
If we're not kind to ourchildren and we're not showing
them that we support them and welove them and we're here to
them, what, what, what theyexpect outside of the home, you
know, and and and how this wasto come to us and trust us and
open up to us, if we can't evengive them just a simple request
of knocking on a door before wecome in.
(34:25):
So I do believe that I thinkthat's such a minimum thing and
unless you know they've brokenyour trust many times, then
setting those boundaries aheadof time, saying listen,
unfortunately, because you'vedone X, y and Z.
I can't trust you with the doorclosed, so you're going to have
to leave your door open and,unfortunately, until you prove
that you can be trusted, then wegonna have to build up to that.
(34:47):
But otherwise, I think, youknow, I think that's the minimum
we can do it's not gonna do her.
I mean, I don't have privacy,not even in the bathroom half
the time with my daughter andeven, I think, when my son was
home.
But in a dog there's zeroprivacy and so, um, I I do think
that we, that we can knock onthe door, it's not a problem.
Demetrius (35:08):
Yeah, it's not a problem at all.
I feel the same way.
So, and one more question hereso I'm not phrasing it in the
way the person phrased it, butin layman's terms what?
So this person's mom doesn'twant him to move, him or her to
move out?
How do you make it easier forthe parent?
Denisse (35:30):
when person's finally leaving the nest that's hard, um
, I'll say, because, I mean, myson went to college.
Um, I moved and that was toughfor me.
To leave him, even though Iknew he was going to college,
still felt like um and I hate touse the word abandoned, cause I
(35:53):
didn't, but it felt that wayand, um, I think he may have
felt that way.
He just will never say that tome, um, but I think it's very
important, at least for me.
We have to transition ourrelationship from us being the
main person in their life andgiving them all these directions
(36:13):
like no, you got to do this,you got to do that to you know
they're young adults.
You know they're young peoplethat are learning their way
through life, so they're notlittle babies anymore.
So I think now I'm not sayingit's an easy transition, because
I'm still in the process oflearning and I tell my son all
the time I think transparency isvery important, Sitting with
(36:35):
your child and talking to them.
There's nothing wrong withfeelings and emotions and I
think that we try to be.
At least for me it was likesuper woman, super super mom.
I'll do it all and I'll justkeep my feelings hidden and I'll
just die inside.
Cool, great.
No, I think our children needto see you know us being
(36:58):
vulnerable and being transparentand being honest and truthful,
because that's what we expect ofthem too.
So we expect for them to tellus the truth and tell us how
they feel and count on us, butyet we're not accepting that of
ourselves, which doesn't makeany sense.
But so for me at least.
You know I've had manyconversations with my son when
(37:18):
he visits, like you know, likeit's so hard.
But if they're 18 and they'removing out or they're 20, guess
what?
They don't have to include youin anything.
They don't have to tell you adarn thing.
So at least if you're againbeing open and honest with them,
you're at least opening thatdoor for them to do the same
(37:39):
with you and and just reassuringthem that whenever they need,
or if they just need a, you knowsomebody to talk to or your
door's always gonna be open.
And I always say that to my son,like, if you want to, I would
love for you to be with me here,but they have to make their own
decisions, so you also have tolet them fly and let them fall
(38:03):
and get back up.
Doesn't mean you're not gonnabe there for them.
But I do think honesty,transparency and also just love,
love and care and understanding, because I love my parents to
death.
They're wonderful parents, butthey think I'm still 12 years
(38:24):
old, you know.
So, like I think, now they'regetting to the point where it's
like I got to let them maketheir own decisions and well,
yeah, thank God, I'm like 47years old now.
But so it's like you know, Ithink the sooner you get to that
where you're like, all right,they're, they're an adult.
(38:49):
So, regardless of what I say ordo, they're going to do what
they want to do.
But at least if I make sure thatI tell them that I love them
and I'm here, no matter what, Ialways tell my son and my
daughter my love for you willnever change.
My love is never going to bewavered.
I will never stop loving you.
Now, I may not agree with yourdecisions.
I may not agree with alifestyle choice or things that
you will do or won't do, butthat will never change the love
(39:14):
that I have for you.
I may be hurt, something maydisappoint me or whatever, but
just know that my love willnever change.
I'm always going to love you,regardless Whether you want me
to be in your life or not, Ialways going to love you,
regardless.
Whether you want me to be inyour life or not, I'm going to
love you.
So also, I think, reassuringour kids that again, we're
(39:36):
somebody that you can count on,we're going to be here.
I think that's so importantbecause, again, not my parent,
my parents didn't, you know,mean any ill will anything, but
I think our kids need to hearthat from us parents.
They need to hear that we lovethem and that we're here for
them, and sometimes that makes ahuge difference.
(39:57):
And also, maybe at some point,if they're making a wrong choice
like I remember mom said thisIt'll come to them at some point
.
Demetrius (40:06):
Yes, you know, I always say that there's some
things that I didn't reallythink about or care about until
I got older and I'm like, oh,that's what they're talking
about, and I try hard with myown son to try to, you know, say
stuff, but if he's not takingto it, it's like I don't take
offense, it's like he'll give ita few years, you know.
Then you know they have to havetheir own experiences to kind
(40:27):
of know what we're saying.
What does that even mean?
Denisse (40:30):
And something that we say in our group all the time,
because we have to remindourselves.
We always joke around and wealways say and I think they even
up the age, if I'm not mistaken, but we always joke around we
say our children's brain is notfully developed until they're 25
years old.
Demetrius (40:48):
Yeah, yep.
Denisse (40:48):
Right, so my son's 20.
Okay, so a lot of the stuffthat he's doing, dumb decisions.
Guess what?
One, I probably did it.
And two, his brain is not fullydeveloped.
So, unfortunately, right, westill have to continue to
nurture and love and teach, andso we always joke around with
(41:09):
that like gotta go back to.
They're not fully developed.
I have to have patience andunderstanding and, um, and even
if they're older, like we justhave to as parents.
We were put in their lives fora reason and one of those is to
love and respect them and carefor them, no matter what the
(41:34):
situation is.
Demetrius (41:35):
So yeah, the development thing.
Yeah, I've heard.
I forget what the age is too,but that's why I think they're
saying like males 27.
Denisse (41:42):
I'm like, oh gosh, I'm going to have to wait more than
that.
Like, please no.
I mean not that my son's likebattered, he's wonderful.
Like listen, he's amazing.
And I just joke around with himlike the whole grandparent
thing.
I'm like I know you're oldenough, but mama don't want to
be a grandma yet.
I'm like listen, I'm justtrying to be unrealistic, you
(42:06):
know what I'm saying?
Like he's 20.
He can technically Right, so wejoke around.
I'm like please don't, Pleasedon't Resist the urge Resist no.
And he gets upset when he's likereally, mom, like that's what
you wanted to talk to me about,like I'm not even.
Demetrius (42:22):
I'm like I'm just saying exactly, just say you can
do what you want, just say, um,all right.
So those are the questions.
I don't get how you had to, but, um, there's a question I
usually ask, just in general forall the guests that I talk to,
which is um, if you were to goback in time, knowing what you
know now you talk, you see youryounger self he's hey, hold up
(42:45):
real quick, I have something totell you.
What would you tell youryounger self about?
Maybe any changes you wouldmake, any thoughts, feelings,
things to do?
Would you tell yourself to doanything differently if you had
to go back in time and do itagain?
Denisse (43:01):
Yes, I think something we talk about a lot in our group
is healing.
Um, something we talk about alot in our group is healing.
I think, um, a lot of themistakes I I made with with
relationships, or just you knowthe way that I I kind of even
just kind of the relationship Ihad with my daughter's dad, I
(43:23):
didn't, I didn't heal myselfafter a breakup.
I didn't heal myself after abreakup.
I didn't let my heart gothrough a grieving process and a
time of finding who I reallywas and who I should be, and
kind of jumping from onerelationship to another and
things like that.
And I think I would definitelytell myself that I would
(43:46):
definitely have God at thecenter of my heart a lot sooner
because I would have probablyless heartache.
But just also, I think justhealing because you find out so
much when you have the time tobe nurtured and counseling
really helped me a lot to kindof we go through so many
(44:10):
childhood things that we don'tuh correlate with how we act as
adults um, so just kind of justhealing open wounds and and
things that happened in the pastI definitely would tell myself
that and again, my relationshipwas bad, because I feel like if
I didn't do it my way, Iprobably would have had a little
(44:31):
bit less painful life.
Demetrius (44:34):
Just a little bit.
Denisse (44:35):
Just a little bit.
I think a lot, but we're herenow.
Demetrius (44:43):
So that's a wrap for this episode of the Hangry
Parent Podcast.
If you're interested inlearning more information about
Elevation Church, links can befound in the description of this
episode, along with links toour own podcast social media
sites.
Thanks for listening.
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