September 15, 2023 • 17 mins
In this episode, we continue the series Relationship Foundations as we dive into the subject of Boundaries. Because relationship boundaries start in your mind, having a clear picture of where you end and another begins is crucial as you decide how you want to respond in your relationships. Sometimes we may need to declare a boundary and enforce a consequence for violations; however many times we simply need to honor our own boundaries. Boundaries are never about controlling or punishing another person but are about protecting and taking responsibility for yourself, all the while honoring another's free will to do as they choose. Join me this week as we continue our journey to healthier, happier relationships.
Check out all my resources and ways to work together at www.thehappiestlives.com.
Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com or www.myhappyvault.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode number 20.
Welcome to the Happiest Livespodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hello everybody, and welcome topart three in the Relationship
(00:22):
Foundation series.
This week we are going todiscuss the importance of good
boundaries.
Now, before we get started,let's do a quick recap of what
we've covered so far in theseries.
I started this off by zooming tothe very core of where
relationships begin.
As an individual, you have arelationship with yourself,
(00:43):
which is your thoughts, feelingsand actions all interacting.
Your thoughts create feelingsthat fuel your actions.
This is a relationship.
Then there is the relationshipwith our Creator.
When we willingly welcome Jesuswith our minds, the Holy Spirit
enters our hearts.
Upon believing, his Spiritliterally comes to live inside
(01:05):
of us.
Isn't that amazing?
It really blows my mind thatGod of all creation would dwell
inside me.
It only requires my cooperation, inviting His will.
In way, he interacts with mythoughts, emotions and will,
making me more and more areflection of Him.
Those thoughts become ourthoughts, and when our thoughts
(01:28):
reflect Him, we show up as thebest version of us.
This is the process oftransformation which is
completely relational.
Our relationship with others isthe interaction of our thoughts
about them and their thoughtsabout us.
Therefore, by becoming moreaware of what we are thinking
(01:49):
and whether our thoughts aresubject to the flesh or spirit,
we can create relationships thatare so much healthier, even if
the other person never changes.
You can be happier in yourrelationship.
If you are experiencingconflict with someone, ask
yourself what you think aboutthem on their regular.
What do you make their actionsmean, and are those thoughts
(02:13):
serving you or are they creatingmore pain?
The next thing we talked aboutis the importance of recognizing
ways you are believing otherpeople are responsible for how
you're feeling.
We create relationship manualsfor how we think others should
behave in order for us to behappy.
However, when we look to othersto meet our deepest wants and
(02:34):
desires, we'll always end updisappointed.
This is why we should toss outour manuals.
All of this said, it's good andso important to turn toward our
partner, or we end up as twoseparate lives living under the
same roof, as loneliness andisolation set in.
We don't want to do life on ourown.
We're made for relationships.
(02:56):
Our partner is our helpmate.
So we want to make bids toconnect.
We want our thoughts tointeract with the other person's
thoughts.
But how do we do this withoutimposing our manual?
Well, instead of expecting ourpartner to meet our desires and
wants, we recognize, only theLord can fill our deepest
longings.
From this foundation, we turntoward our partners and make
(03:19):
requests sharing our desires.
We do this without demanding orexpecting them to comply.
We focus on discovering ourwant matches and nurturing those
, instead of being disappointedwhen the person doesn't want the
same thing.
In this way, we set ourselvesand the other person free.
As you nurture yourrelationships, applying these
two core concepts alone willmake a huge difference in the
(03:43):
results you are experiencing.
So now let's talk about thethird core concept, which is
establishing healthy boundariesin your relationships.
Here is how you can think abouta boundary.
If you're a homeowner, you havea property line.
This is where your propertybegins and ends.
This is your boundary.
Someone can't just walk intoyour home without permission and
(04:06):
you can't expect your neighborto take care of your grass.
That is your responsibility.
In the same way, you have aboundary line as a person and
everything inside that line iswhat you allow regarding other
people.
Have you considered yourboundaries with other people in
this way?
What will you allow and notallow in your life?
Boundaries start in our minds.
(04:28):
When we recognize where we inand another person begins, we
are establishing a boundary.
The work of separating otherpeople's words and actions from
your thoughts about them willhelp you set a healthy boundary.
Not owning or arguing withtheir thoughts and feelings, but
seeing their thoughts, feelingsand actions as what God has
(04:51):
given them agency over, willhelp you focus on how you want
to think, feel and show up,rather than spending your time
trying to manage them, which isexhausting.
This way of conceptualizingyour relationship will save you
a lot of energy and time.
Inside my coaching groups, wecall this staying in your model
(05:14):
and staying out of someoneelse's model, or staying in your
lane and out of somebody else'slane.
So let's imagine a bunch ofcars on a freeway.
Each person has a car which hasa steering wheel, acceleration
pedal and brake pedal.
The car body creates a boundary.
It's a container for you as youdrive.
When we try to operate outsideof our car, our boundary, there
(05:37):
will be a hot mess going on thefreeway.
We can't control the otherperson's steering wheel or
pedals.
Only they can.
So we stay in our car, our lane, and focus on how we are
driving and what we will do whenthey do what they do.
If you can learn to mentallylook at your relationship in
this way, you can change the wayyou're thinking, and that may
(05:59):
be the extent of the boundaryyou set.
Often, people are confused aboutboundaries.
They see them as a way tomanipulate and control others,
as they set expectations abouthow other people should behave.
This is not a boundary, but amanual that you have for someone
.
Boundaries are not about makingpeople behave a certain way.
(06:21):
Rather, they are an expressionof how you will behave, what you
will and won't allow in yourlife.
Instead of trying to manage theother person, you manage
yourself.
You don't need to announce allof your boundaries, as there may
be a common understanding.
However, sometimes you want tolet someone know what your
boundary is because it's notclear to them.
(06:42):
Now, you aren't dictating whatthey can and cannot do.
You are simply letting themknow your boundary.
So once you establish aboundary, how do you deal with
someone crossing it?
If someone started having apicnic in your yard, you would
tell them this is privateproperty and ask them to move
their picnic elsewhere.
But if they refuse to leave orreturn to the next day, you
(07:07):
could call the police fortrespassing.
Notice, they keep doingwhatever they want and you can't
stop them, but you get todecide what you will do when
they do it.
Using the property metaphor, ifsomeone comes to your house
wearing muddy boots and wants tocome in, you might ask them to
take off their shoes first.
If they refuse to take them off, you would not open the door
(07:28):
and allow them to come in.
Let's say one of my kids'friends comes to my house, puts
on explicit music.
They may not be aware that wedon't allow that in our home,
and so I would first tell themif they want to listen to music,
they have to pick somethingwith different lyrics.
Let's say they continue to playmusic with explicit lyrics,
then I would say hey, if youcontinue to play that music,
(07:51):
you're going to have to leave.
Now I can't make them stopplaying the music and I really
can't even make them leave, butI can make a phone call if they
refuse to leave after me, askingI'm not making a threat, I'm
not punishing them, I'm justdoing what I need to do to
protect and honor my boundary.
If I was at someone's housewith my kids and the homeowner
(08:11):
started watching a sexuallyexplicit program on TV, I might
say I'm not really comfortablewith this and we're going to
head out if you want to play it,notice.
I'm not saying they have tostop playing it.
I'm saying I will leave if theywant to play it.
I'm doing something for myselfand my family, not against them.
I'm not using a boundary toenforce my manual.
(08:31):
I have a boundary aroundstaying out too late.
My friends and family know thatI start to turn into a pumpkin
after nine and it's not that Iwon't stay out later than that.
But when making plans I willlet them know.
I prefer to start the eveningearlier rather than later.
If my family wants to staylater, I know I can take my car
so I don't have to stay laterthan I want.
(08:52):
But they still have the freedomto stay if they want.
Now, this doesn't meansometimes I will not choose to
stay out later.
If I want to compromise thetime, I just set my boundary
around this rather than puttingit on the other person.
I also have a boundary aroundalone time If I don't get enough
time by myself.
Each day I ask for it and if Idon't get it, I create it.
I will get up early, go on awalk or take time at the end of
(09:16):
the day by myself.
Now, my family is really goodabout giving me that space.
But let's say they weren't.
Let's say I just want an hourto myself and they kept
interrupting the time.
That's their choice.
The issue isn't whether they'rehonoring it, but whether I'm
honoring my boundary with myself.
If I don't honor my boundary,they won't believe me when I
tell them something important.
(09:36):
If I don't honor my boundary,they won't believe me when I
tell them something is important.
If people don't honor myboundaries, I need to take
action to honor them.
We talked about desires in wantslast week, and I encourage you
to have conversations with yourspouse, if you are married,
about what you both want.
Talking about what you think isand isn't appropriate can be
(09:56):
really helpful, especially ifyou tend to be a people pleaser
or you're in a relationship withthe other person is dominating
or manipulative and it doesn'tseem like they hear you or care
about your boundaries.
This is where it's importantthat you don't try to control
the other person, as that willbe impossible and leave you
feeling powerless.
Instead, manage yourself inwhat you're going to do in those
(10:18):
situations.
If you don't know what you need, want or value, you will create
a situation where you aren'tsetting boundaries and are
easily dominated, and you won'ttrust or respect yourself and
you definitely won't step up toprotect yourself.
Some of you have childhoodswhere your boundaries were
violated and, as a result, youlack the confidence and courage
(10:39):
to stand up for yourself.
Getting help from a therapist orcoach so you can learn how to
show up for yourself, even if itupsets the other person, is
such important work.
That is so much of the work wedo in Clarity and Courage.
We learn how to stop expectingother people to take care of us
and to step up to the plate withthe Lord as our shepherd so we
(11:00):
can engage with the world withclarity and courage instead of
seeking the approval of others.
We learn how to drop ourmanuals for other people and
respect their boundaries once indesires, so we can focus on our
want matches where we want tobe with each other.
If you aren't in clarity andcourage, it's my coaching group
for Christian women.
(11:20):
Join and cancel anytime.
I would love to have you, asthis is where we apply all the
concepts that we learn on thepodcast.
I want to give you some examplesof boundaries within a marriage
.
One of those could be personalspace.
Each person has the right tohave personal space and time to
(11:43):
themselves.
This could mean having certainhobbies or activities,
respecting the need for a longtime and allowing each other to
maintain individual identitieswithin the relationship.
I know my husband and I havecertain things we do
independently of one another andwe support each other in these
things.
Every year, he does an annuallake trip with his best friends
from high school, and every yearI travel and meet with life
(12:06):
code friends to have a funweekend in Dallas where I learn
and am inspired.
These are just a few ways wehonor each other's individual
identities.
A second common area where theremay be boundary violations are
around communication.
Agreeing on how to expressemotions, talk about sensitive
topics and establish guidelinesfor handling conflict can be
(12:28):
very helpful.
To have conversations about howyou're going to talk about
things.
One thing I teach my clients isto have some flood plan for
when things get emotionallyflooded.
We know our brains don't workwell in a heightened emotional
state.
So it's important to be able topause a conversation that is
escalating and give one anotherspace to calm down before coming
(12:48):
back together to have theconversation.
That can be such a great way toimprove your communication.
You might set a boundary byagreeing to talk about things as
long as there is no yelling orcriticism.
If you have communicated yourboundary and the other person
refuses to pause theconversation, you might leave
and go to the bathroom or take awalk.
(13:08):
A third area is aroundfinancial issues.
This might be to findingspending limits, discussing
goals and responsibilities anddiscussing what you both want.
If one person is notorious forracking up debt and does not
want to curb their spending, butyou do then you will need to
establish a boundary of what youwill do if they continue to
(13:29):
incur debt.
Another area that we may haveboundary issues within our
relationship is around privacyand trust.
Trust is crucial in a marriageand establishing boundaries
around privacy can contribute tothat foundation of trust.
This might involve respectingeach other's personal devices,
social media accounts, privateconversations, maintaining
(13:49):
confidentiality and refrainingfrom invading personal space
without permission In caseswhere there has been a violation
of trust in the marriage usingprivate devices and both parties
want to create healing and moveforward.
One might agree to forfeittheir privacy as a way to build
trust.
For instance, where you have aspouse who is betrayed the other
person maybe through texting orusing an app to forge an
(14:13):
intimate relationship thatviolates their marriage, then,
as a path to healing, I suggestthe one who betrayed the other
give up privacy on their phone,offering full transparency as a
way to build trust.
In exchange, the other personis open to forgiveness and
building trust again.
However, it is contingent uponthe willingness of the other to
be transparent.
(14:35):
The final area that I think wecan see some boundary violations
or boundary concerns is aroundtime management.
Being able to balance timebetween personal, professional
and family obligations can bechallenging in a marriage, and
so having conversations aboutyour desires, his desires, time
management and how you're goingto make things happen can be the
(14:55):
beginning of establishingboundaries in this area.
Taking ownership of how you canmeet your needs rather than
putting this on the other personis an example of setting a
healthy boundaries.
So if date nights are superimportant to you and your
partner is willing to do them,but maybe is not reliable and
scheduling them, then who betterthan you to plan those regular
(15:16):
date nights, rather than beingupset he's not planning them.
Why not, either ask for hisinvolvement by having a
conversation, and if he isn'tgood at following through in
that area but you are, then youtake ownership for creating the
date night that you desire.
You cannot demand someone followthrough on something.
You cannot demand someonerespect you.
(15:36):
You cannot demand someone bewho you think they should be.
It doesn't work.
It creates so much conflict andif you can control them or coax
them into being who you wantthem to be, they're not even
actually being who they are.
They're just people pleasing,which is a lie.
(15:57):
Instead, focus on this how doyou want to show up?
How do you want to followthrough?
How do you want to respectyourself, being who you want to
be?
This is setting a boundary andit always starts in your mind.
All right, my friends, this iswhat I have for you today.
This is one of the mostchallenging things that you will
(16:19):
do, but if you honor yourboundaries and honor other
people's boundaries, then youwill have much healthier
relationships.
You won't have to block peopleout from your life.
You won't have to avoid them ortell them not to come around.
If you maintain your ownhealthy boundaries knowing your
thoughts, feelings and actionsare your responsibility and stay
(16:39):
out of the other persons, thenyou are going to have those
healthier relationships.
So next week we're going tocontinue this series and we're
going to talk about love ability, about being loved and feeling
loved and feeling loving, beingloving, all the love.
So I can't wait and I will talkto you then.
(16:59):
See you soon.
Bye.
You are listening to the Happiest Lives podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode number 20.
Welcome to the Happiest Livespodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hello everybody, and welcome topart three in the Relationship
(00:22):
Foundation series.
This week we are going todiscuss the importance of good
boundaries.
Now, before we get started,let's do a quick recap of what
we've covered so far in theseries.
I started this off by zooming tothe very core of where
relationships begin.
As an individual, you have arelationship with yourself,
(00:43):
which is your thoughts, feelingsand actions all interacting.
Your thoughts create feelingsthat fuel your actions.
This is a relationship.
Then there is the relationshipwith our Creator.
When we willingly welcome Jesuswith our minds, the Holy Spirit
enters our hearts.
Upon believing, his Spiritliterally comes to live inside
(01:05):
of us.
Isn't that amazing?
It really blows my mind thatGod of all creation would dwell
inside me.
It only requires my cooperation, inviting His will.
In way, he interacts with mythoughts, emotions and will,
making me more and more areflection of Him.
Those thoughts become ourthoughts, and when our thoughts
(01:28):
reflect Him, we show up as thebest version of us.
This is the process oftransformation which is
completely relational.
Our relationship with others isthe interaction of our thoughts
about them and their thoughtsabout us.
Therefore, by becoming moreaware of what we are thinking
(01:49):
and whether our thoughts aresubject to the flesh or spirit,
we can create relationships thatare so much healthier, even if
the other person never changes.
You can be happier in yourrelationship.
If you are experiencingconflict with someone, ask
yourself what you think aboutthem on their regular.
What do you make their actionsmean, and are those thoughts
(02:13):
serving you or are they creatingmore pain?
The next thing we talked aboutis the importance of recognizing
ways you are believing otherpeople are responsible for how
you're feeling.
We create relationship manualsfor how we think others should
behave in order for us to behappy.
However, when we look to othersto meet our deepest wants and
(02:34):
desires, we'll always end updisappointed.
This is why we should toss outour manuals.
All of this said, it's good andso important to turn toward our
partner, or we end up as twoseparate lives living under the
same roof, as loneliness andisolation set in.
We don't want to do life on ourown.
We're made for relationships.
(02:56):
Our partner is our helpmate.
So we want to make bids toconnect.
We want our thoughts tointeract with the other person's
thoughts.
But how do we do this withoutimposing our manual?
Well, instead of expecting ourpartner to meet our desires and
wants, we recognize, only theLord can fill our deepest
longings.
From this foundation, we turntoward our partners and make
(03:19):
requests sharing our desires.
We do this without demanding orexpecting them to comply.
We focus on discovering ourwant matches and nurturing those
, instead of being disappointedwhen the person doesn't want the
same thing.
In this way, we set ourselvesand the other person free.
As you nurture yourrelationships, applying these
two core concepts alone willmake a huge difference in the
(03:43):
results you are experiencing.
So now let's talk about thethird core concept, which is
establishing healthy boundariesin your relationships.
Here is how you can think abouta boundary.
If you're a homeowner, you havea property line.
This is where your propertybegins and ends.
This is your boundary.
Someone can't just walk intoyour home without permission and
(04:06):
you can't expect your neighborto take care of your grass.
That is your responsibility.
In the same way, you have aboundary line as a person and
everything inside that line iswhat you allow regarding other
people.
Have you considered yourboundaries with other people in
this way?
What will you allow and notallow in your life?
Boundaries start in our minds.
(04:28):
When we recognize where we inand another person begins, we
are establishing a boundary.
The work of separating otherpeople's words and actions from
your thoughts about them willhelp you set a healthy boundary.
Not owning or arguing withtheir thoughts and feelings, but
seeing their thoughts, feelingsand actions as what God has
(04:51):
given them agency over, willhelp you focus on how you want
to think, feel and show up,rather than spending your time
trying to manage them, which isexhausting.
This way of conceptualizingyour relationship will save you
a lot of energy and time.
Inside my coaching groups, wecall this staying in your model
(05:14):
and staying out of someoneelse's model, or staying in your
lane and out of somebody else'slane.
So let's imagine a bunch ofcars on a freeway.
Each person has a car which hasa steering wheel, acceleration
pedal and brake pedal.
The car body creates a boundary.
It's a container for you as youdrive.
When we try to operate outsideof our car, our boundary, there
(05:37):
will be a hot mess going on thefreeway.
We can't control the otherperson's steering wheel or
pedals.
Only they can.
So we stay in our car, our lane, and focus on how we are
driving and what we will do whenthey do what they do.
If you can learn to mentallylook at your relationship in
this way, you can change the wayyou're thinking, and that may
(05:59):
be the extent of the boundaryyou set.
Often, people are confused aboutboundaries.
They see them as a way tomanipulate and control others,
as they set expectations abouthow other people should behave.
This is not a boundary, but amanual that you have for someone
.
Boundaries are not about makingpeople behave a certain way.
(06:21):
Rather, they are an expressionof how you will behave, what you
will and won't allow in yourlife.
Instead of trying to manage theother person, you manage
yourself.
You don't need to announce allof your boundaries, as there may
be a common understanding.
However, sometimes you want tolet someone know what your
boundary is because it's notclear to them.
(06:42):
Now, you aren't dictating whatthey can and cannot do.
You are simply letting themknow your boundary.
So once you establish aboundary, how do you deal with
someone crossing it?
If someone started having apicnic in your yard, you would
tell them this is privateproperty and ask them to move
their picnic elsewhere.
But if they refuse to leave orreturn to the next day, you
(07:07):
could call the police fortrespassing.
Notice, they keep doingwhatever they want and you can't
stop them, but you get todecide what you will do when
they do it.
Using the property metaphor, ifsomeone comes to your house
wearing muddy boots and wants tocome in, you might ask them to
take off their shoes first.
If they refuse to take them off, you would not open the door
(07:28):
and allow them to come in.
Let's say one of my kids'friends comes to my house, puts
on explicit music.
They may not be aware that wedon't allow that in our home,
and so I would first tell themif they want to listen to music,
they have to pick somethingwith different lyrics.
Let's say they continue to playmusic with explicit lyrics,
then I would say hey, if youcontinue to play that music,
(07:51):
you're going to have to leave.
Now I can't make them stopplaying the music and I really
can't even make them leave, butI can make a phone call if they
refuse to leave after me, askingI'm not making a threat, I'm
not punishing them, I'm justdoing what I need to do to
protect and honor my boundary.
If I was at someone's housewith my kids and the homeowner
(08:11):
started watching a sexuallyexplicit program on TV, I might
say I'm not really comfortablewith this and we're going to
head out if you want to play it,notice.
I'm not saying they have tostop playing it.
I'm saying I will leave if theywant to play it.
I'm doing something for myselfand my family, not against them.
I'm not using a boundary toenforce my manual.
(08:31):
I have a boundary aroundstaying out too late.
My friends and family know thatI start to turn into a pumpkin
after nine and it's not that Iwon't stay out later than that.
But when making plans I willlet them know.
I prefer to start the eveningearlier rather than later.
If my family wants to staylater, I know I can take my car
so I don't have to stay laterthan I want.
(08:52):
But they still have the freedomto stay if they want.
Now, this doesn't meansometimes I will not choose to
stay out later.
If I want to compromise thetime, I just set my boundary
around this rather than puttingit on the other person.
I also have a boundary aroundalone time If I don't get enough
time by myself.
Each day I ask for it and if Idon't get it, I create it.
I will get up early, go on awalk or take time at the end of
(09:16):
the day by myself.
Now, my family is really goodabout giving me that space.
But let's say they weren't.
Let's say I just want an hourto myself and they kept
interrupting the time.
That's their choice.
The issue isn't whether they'rehonoring it, but whether I'm
honoring my boundary with myself.
If I don't honor my boundary,they won't believe me when I
tell them something important.
(09:36):
If I don't honor my boundary,they won't believe me when I
tell them something is important.
If people don't honor myboundaries, I need to take
action to honor them.
We talked about desires in wantslast week, and I encourage you
to have conversations with yourspouse, if you are married,
about what you both want.
Talking about what you think isand isn't appropriate can be
(09:56):
really helpful, especially ifyou tend to be a people pleaser
or you're in a relationship withthe other person is dominating
or manipulative and it doesn'tseem like they hear you or care
about your boundaries.
This is where it's importantthat you don't try to control
the other person, as that willbe impossible and leave you
feeling powerless.
Instead, manage yourself inwhat you're going to do in those
(10:18):
situations.
If you don't know what you need, want or value, you will create
a situation where you aren'tsetting boundaries and are
easily dominated, and you won'ttrust or respect yourself and
you definitely won't step up toprotect yourself.
Some of you have childhoodswhere your boundaries were
violated and, as a result, youlack the confidence and courage
(10:39):
to stand up for yourself.
Getting help from a therapist orcoach so you can learn how to
show up for yourself, even if itupsets the other person, is
such important work.
That is so much of the work wedo in Clarity and Courage.
We learn how to stop expectingother people to take care of us
and to step up to the plate withthe Lord as our shepherd so we
(11:00):
can engage with the world withclarity and courage instead of
seeking the approval of others.
We learn how to drop ourmanuals for other people and
respect their boundaries once indesires, so we can focus on our
want matches where we want tobe with each other.
If you aren't in clarity andcourage, it's my coaching group
for Christian women.
(11:20):
Join and cancel anytime.
I would love to have you, asthis is where we apply all the
concepts that we learn on thepodcast.
I want to give you some examplesof boundaries within a marriage
.
One of those could be personalspace.
Each person has the right tohave personal space and time to
(11:43):
themselves.
This could mean having certainhobbies or activities,
respecting the need for a longtime and allowing each other to
maintain individual identitieswithin the relationship.
I know my husband and I havecertain things we do
independently of one another andwe support each other in these
things.
Every year, he does an annuallake trip with his best friends
from high school, and every yearI travel and meet with life
(12:06):
code friends to have a funweekend in Dallas where I learn
and am inspired.
These are just a few ways wehonor each other's individual
identities.
A second common area where theremay be boundary violations are
around communication.
Agreeing on how to expressemotions, talk about sensitive
topics and establish guidelinesfor handling conflict can be
(12:28):
very helpful.
To have conversations about howyou're going to talk about
things.
One thing I teach my clients isto have some flood plan for
when things get emotionallyflooded.
We know our brains don't workwell in a heightened emotional
state.
So it's important to be able topause a conversation that is
escalating and give one anotherspace to calm down before coming
(12:48):
back together to have theconversation.
That can be such a great way toimprove your communication.
You might set a boundary byagreeing to talk about things as
long as there is no yelling orcriticism.
If you have communicated yourboundary and the other person
refuses to pause theconversation, you might leave
and go to the bathroom or take awalk.
(13:08):
A third area is aroundfinancial issues.
This might be to findingspending limits, discussing
goals and responsibilities anddiscussing what you both want.
If one person is notorious forracking up debt and does not
want to curb their spending, butyou do then you will need to
establish a boundary of what youwill do if they continue to
(13:29):
incur debt.
Another area that we may haveboundary issues within our
relationship is around privacyand trust.
Trust is crucial in a marriageand establishing boundaries
around privacy can contribute tothat foundation of trust.
This might involve respectingeach other's personal devices,
social media accounts, privateconversations, maintaining
(13:49):
confidentiality and refrainingfrom invading personal space
without permission In caseswhere there has been a violation
of trust in the marriage usingprivate devices and both parties
want to create healing and moveforward.
One might agree to forfeittheir privacy as a way to build
trust.
For instance, where you have aspouse who is betrayed the other
person maybe through texting orusing an app to forge an
(14:13):
intimate relationship thatviolates their marriage, then,
as a path to healing, I suggestthe one who betrayed the other
give up privacy on their phone,offering full transparency as a
way to build trust.
In exchange, the other personis open to forgiveness and
building trust again.
However, it is contingent uponthe willingness of the other to
be transparent.
(14:35):
The final area that I think wecan see some boundary violations
or boundary concerns is aroundtime management.
Being able to balance timebetween personal, professional
and family obligations can bechallenging in a marriage, and
so having conversations aboutyour desires, his desires, time
management and how you're goingto make things happen can be the
(14:55):
beginning of establishingboundaries in this area.
Taking ownership of how you canmeet your needs rather than
putting this on the other personis an example of setting a
healthy boundaries.
So if date nights are superimportant to you and your
partner is willing to do them,but maybe is not reliable and
scheduling them, then who betterthan you to plan those regular
(15:16):
date nights, rather than beingupset he's not planning them.
Why not, either ask for hisinvolvement by having a
conversation, and if he isn'tgood at following through in
that area but you are, then youtake ownership for creating the
date night that you desire.
You cannot demand someone followthrough on something.
You cannot demand someonerespect you.
(15:36):
You cannot demand someone bewho you think they should be.
It doesn't work.
It creates so much conflict andif you can control them or coax
them into being who you wantthem to be, they're not even
actually being who they are.
They're just people pleasing,which is a lie.
(15:57):
Instead, focus on this how doyou want to show up?
How do you want to followthrough?
How do you want to respectyourself, being who you want to
be?
This is setting a boundary andit always starts in your mind.
All right, my friends, this iswhat I have for you today.
This is one of the mostchallenging things that you will
(16:19):
do, but if you honor yourboundaries and honor other
people's boundaries, then youwill have much healthier
relationships.
You won't have to block peopleout from your life.
You won't have to avoid them ortell them not to come around.
If you maintain your ownhealthy boundaries knowing your
thoughts, feelings and actionsare your responsibility and stay
(16:39):
out of the other persons, thenyou are going to have those
healthier relationships.
So next week we're going tocontinue this series and we're
going to talk about love ability, about being loved and feeling
loved and feeling loving, beingloving, all the love.
So I can't wait and I will talkto you then.
(16:59):
See you soon.
Bye.
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