June 30, 2023 • 17 mins
This episode is part of The Better Conversations series. We have the amazing opportunity and capacity to exchange thoughts and feelings with others. However, sometimes conversations don't go as planned, and we decide that conversations can be hard. In this episode, I tell you the ONE reason your conversations are hard and give you three tips for creating Better Conversations.
Check out all my resources and ways to work together at www.thehappiestlives.com.
Discover ways to work with me at www.thehappiestlives.com or www.myhappyvault.com
Questions? Email Jill directly at Jill@thehappiestlives.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You are listening to the Happiest Lives Podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode numbernine.
Welcome to the Happiest LivesPodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to the podcast.
This week we are talking aboutwhy conversations are hard, and
(00:24):
this is part of a series I'mdoing all month called Better
Conversations.
So if you are a human beinglistening to me right now and
you are then you can understand.
We can have a conversation hereNow.
Your dog might be listening,because mine is but they don't
have that capacity like we do toconnect by sharing information,
sharing thoughts and sharingemotions, and so a conversation
(00:47):
is exchanging different thoughtsand feelings with another
person.
We're sharing information, butwe're also sharing our thoughts
about that information And weare sharing the emotion that is
coming up with us, and maybewe're empathizing and connecting
with somebody else's emotion orwe're resisting their emotion.
Our thoughts are going toinclude all of our ideas, our
(01:09):
assessments, our opinions.
We can share our desires andwants with another person, and
so it's so exciting.
I think it's pretty amazingthat we have this capacity as
humans to connect on this higherlevel of understanding, and
it's not just intellectual, itis emotional.
So the real reason thatconversations is hard is because
(01:33):
it is emotional, because wehave emotions.
Now the solution is not tobecome unemotional.
We don't want to be a chatbot.
We don't want to be a robotconversing with another human
being, and yet so many of ushave learned to detach
emotionally, to numb out ourfeelings.
We choose behaviors that numbthings so that we don't hurt so
(01:56):
badly, with differentdistractions and buffers, so
that we can resist thatnegativity.
But when we're blocking out thenegative, we're also blocking
out the positive.
We're disconnecting fromourselves And therefore we're
also disconnecting from otherpeople.
We aren't feeling as much pain,but we're also not feeling as
much joy, and so we want to beable to approach emotions in a
(02:20):
way that we're not afraid ofthem.
Emotions are harmless.
They cannot hurt us.
It's how we respond to ouremotions that really causes the
problems that we startexperiencing in our life.
The worst thing that can happento you is that you have a
feeling.
So when a feeling comes up andyou're able to experience it,
(02:41):
then you're able to leverageyour emotions so that you can
create deeper connections, andso all the feelings aren't going
to feel great.
You may not want to have all ofthem, but when you are willing
to have those, without resistingthem or reacting to them,
you're going to be able to stayconnected and have better
conversations and create thatspace for deeper connection and
(03:04):
intimacy.
Sometimes, when we experienceconflict and maybe it's been an
ongoing thing in ourrelationship rather than
fighting we will just take onthe thought it's better to deal
with this on my own, and thenyou turn away and deal with it
on your own, and so you feellike things are better because
the conflict is less, but youstart feeling really distant,
lonely, isolated.
(03:24):
That's that cascade of distance, loneliness and isolation, and
so you're no longer reallyhaving those conversations or
connecting in a meaningful way.
And we want to be able toconnect in a meaningful way.
Okay, so dealing with things onyour own is not the solution.
We have to find another way toconnect.
We don't want to fight, but wedon't want to disconnect, and so
(03:47):
we have to learn how to feelour feelings, process through
those, not react to them, and beable to create space for
another person's feelings.
When we're able to do that,then we can find ways to connect
even when we have those topicsthat bring up thoughts for us
that trigger us emotionally.
So some of us are moreproficient with our words, it's
(04:09):
easier for us to communicate andshare our thoughts and feelings
and we can access those thingsand we're able to share those
better with others.
And some of us have a hardertime with that.
Some of us are less wordy.
We're not even sure what we'rethinking, our feeling.
We're less conversational.
Some of us are good listeners.
Some of us aren't so greatlisteners.
We have to work on honing thosegifts, those skill sets, to be
(04:32):
able to listen better and to beable to share better.
So I'm not trying to change yourpersonality You don't need to
be someone that you're not Butjust being more self-aware and
opening yourself up to thecapacity to see the value of
conversations and becoming awareof the role that emotions play
in your conversations can go along way in deepening your
(04:54):
connections with others.
We want to be emotionally open.
If you want those deeperconnections, you want to be more
aware of your own emotions.
If you want more intimateconnections with other people,
then you want to be able to haveintimate conversations, and the
only way you'll be able to dothis is to be willing to feel so
(05:17):
that you can navigate throughany of the emotions that are
going to come up for you, and soI want to give you three tips
related to feelings today Thatare going to help you have
better conversations.
The first one is you can changeyour thoughts about the other
person and the conversation, andwhen you change your thoughts,
(05:38):
it is going to change yourexperience.
It's going to change the wayyou feel and the way that you're
showing up.
So if you're going into aconversation, or maybe you had a
conversation and you saidsomething to them and they
didn't acknowledge it, yourbrain might take in that
information and then you assessit and think my thoughts and
feelings, they just, they don'tmatter, he doesn't care, he
(05:59):
doesn't love me, and you end upfeeling really hurt.
You might get angry, you mightshut down and withdraw.
He may make a bid to connectlater and, oblivious to the fact
that your feelings are hurt,and then you might be ignoring
his bid to connect And so you'redisconnecting from him, and the
result is that you end upcreating a result that you're
(06:20):
not, a result that his thoughtsand feelings don't matter to you
.
So you mirror what you havebeen perceiving.
But that thought my thoughtsand feelings don't matter is
optional And it probably is notserving you in any capacity.
It makes you feel terrible Andit ends up creating this results
(06:42):
that you find the evidence ofthat, or that his thoughts and
feelings don't matter to you,and you keep perpetuating the
same evidence repeatedly becauseyour brain is looking for that.
So there's no upside tothinking your thoughts and
feelings don't matter.
So I would offer you the thoughtthat your thoughts and feelings
do matter And if that feelslike too big of a leap, you
(07:03):
could add on it's possible thatmy thoughts and feelings do
matter.
When you redirect your brain inthat way, you are going to go
into the conversation feelingvalidated.
You're going to feel calmer,maybe a little bit more secure
or loved.
When I think my thoughts andfeelings matter, i feel calm,
(07:24):
and when I feel calm, i findevidence that my thoughts and
feelings do matter.
Just because my husband doesn'tshow up how I hoped he would
and he didn't respond or followthe script the way that I think
he should, it doesn't mean thatmy thoughts and feelings don't
matter to him.
It could be that he's justdoing his best, that he's being
a little clueless At that pointand not really aware of how his
(07:47):
actions are affecting me, and Idon't always show up perfectly,
so I don't expect that he has toalways show up perfectly.
So if I take on the thoughtthat my thoughts and feelings do
matter, i'm going to feelcalmer and I keep an open
posture.
I continue to make bids toconnect, i respond to his bids
to connect and I'm warmer.
Then I may even share mythoughts and feelings with him.
(08:09):
I might turn toward him and sayhey, you know, earlier today,
when I was telling you aboutwhat happened in the situation
at work, i was telling you thisstory and you didn't even look
up for your phone and then youwalked off.
You didn't even verballyacknowledge me.
I started to think that mythoughts and feelings didn't
matter to you and I felt reallyhurt.
(08:31):
Sharing that from an energy offeeling calm is very different
than if you would have sharedthat from the place of hurt.
When you're in the hurt andyou're speaking from the hurt
and reacting from the hurt orthe anger, then when you share
your thoughts and feelings andyour experience, you may go into
(08:54):
attack mode, a critical mode.
You might start wagging yourfinger and saying all the things
, but notice how I, when I saidhow I might say that, how I
might share that from a place ofcalm, that I expressed the
facts Hey, here's what happened.
(09:15):
Then I shared my thought.
This is what I made it mean,and I shared how I was feeling.
I took ownership of my thoughtsand feelings as I observed the
facts and put those on the table.
You are simply turning towardthe other person to deepen
understanding, but thatconversation is being fueled
with a calm energy becauseyou're believing, hey, my
(09:37):
thoughts and feelings do matter.
So if you want to have betterconversations, you can change
your thoughts about the otherperson and the conversation And,
in turn, you will generate anemotion that is going to serve
you better.
A second tip is learning how tolet your feelings be there
without reacting to them orresisting them.
Okay, so I think the way youhandle your emotions, that's the
(10:01):
same way you're responding tosomebody else's emotions.
I see it in couples therapy allthe time.
The way we react to ourpartner's emotions, it's really
just a reflection of how we areeven responding to our own
emotions.
So, even though I'm talkingabout how we can offer ourselves
other, optional ways ofthinking that will make us feel
better.
I'm not talking aboutdismissing your thoughts and
(10:23):
feelings.
Your thoughts and feelings arevalid.
I'm not talking about eventhought-swapping to get rid of
the negative emotions.
You want to be willing to feelanything, and when we're
resisting those negativeemotions because it's
uncomfortable and we're tryingto turn them off or dismiss them
, we don't want to acknowledgethem then we are disconnecting.
We are disconnecting fromourselves.
(10:44):
We're going to end updisconnecting from the other
person.
We're going to not be veryresponsive, we're going to be
dismissive about their emotions,and so that isn't really going
to serve us.
I remember a situation years agoand my son was in middle school
and he was messing with hisschool ID.
It was on a lanyard And he wasgetting very frustrated with the
(11:08):
lanyard because he couldn't gethis ID on there.
And so I was on the other sideof the room watching this and my
husband was next to him gettingready to take him to school,
and as he got frustrated withhis lanyard, he was thinking
that it should be behavingdifferently than it was, that it
should be cooperating.
My husband started gettingfrustrated with my son, thinking
(11:31):
that he shouldn't be gettingfrustrated with his lanyard And
I'm on the other side of theroom and I see my husband
getting frustrated with my son,thinking my son shouldn't be
getting frustrated, and then myson being frustrated with his
lanyard and I'm thinking that myhusband shouldn't be getting
frustrated, that my son isfrustrated.
(11:51):
So do you see the domino effecthere?
The mere fact that we all startdoing the same thing?
We start resisting the otherperson and thinking maybe they
shouldn't be so emotional, butthen we become emotional and
start really doing the samething.
When we think people shouldn'tbe behaving a certain way or
(12:11):
feeling a certain way and weresist it, then we kind of hop
into the same pool of theiremotional experience, which is
not effective, it's not helpful,it's not helping us empathize
with the situation.
Empathizing with the situationis entirely different than
getting in and kind of playingtug-of-war with what's actually
(12:33):
going on.
When other people expressemotions and we become really
emotional, it's not about theother person's emotions.
We are becoming emotionalbecause we are having a thought
about their feelings and that'smaking us feel a certain way.
And so we think the way tocontrol it is to control the
other person and control theiremotions, when really the way to
(12:56):
experience it is to manage ourown emotions, to be aware of
what we're thinking and whywe're feeling the way we are,
and then we can relax intowhatever that feeling is, rather
than reacting to it and tryingto resist it.
When you learn how to letfeelings be there without
(13:17):
reacting or resisting, you willmake room for better
conversations, because you willcreate space for people to
express feelings and processtheir way through those feelings
, and you can process anyfeeling because you're not
trying to outrun it as thoughit's dangerous.
It's the resisting, thereacting to the emotion that
(13:37):
gets us in trouble, not thefeeling itself.
So the third tip for being ableto have better conversations is
being able to learn fromregrettable conversations.
So if you had a conversationthat did not go well, oftentimes
we might feel really bad aboutthe conversation.
We'll feel disappointed in theconversation.
(13:59):
We may blame ourselves, we maybeat ourselves up or we may
blame the other person for howthey showed up.
We might find evidence that itwasn't a good idea to have the
conversation, that we shouldhave dealt with it on our own,
and we're never going to do thatagain.
Rather than learning from whatjust happened, learning from the
conversation What went well,what didn't go well?
(14:21):
How did I show up in theconversation?
Why did I show up that way?
What was I thinking?
What was I feeling?
Then you can learn from theconversation When you ask those
questions.
You are learning from whathappened And you can keep having
conversations that aren'tperfect, but they are growth
opportunities.
(14:41):
In all my coaching programs, weuse a process called the
HeartScan And it helps you doeverything I discussed in
today's lesson Being able toexpose and look at what you are
thinking about a situation, howyou're feeling, how you're
showing up, what result is thiscreating for you?
and then asking is this servingme?
And then being able to renewthat and see how you might think
(15:02):
differently about it and createa new result.
What else is possible?
How do I want to show up?
What result do I want to create?
How do I want to feel in thissituation?
And then being able to engage,to feel anything, to feel the
feeling in a way that is calmand curious, as opposed to
closed off.
In fact, the fourth part ofdoing HeartScan is being able to
(15:23):
press on and take actiondespite unwanted emotions, and
so this process of HeartScanningcan help you have better
conversations, because it canhelp you look at what happened,
what's going on in yourconversations.
A lot of times we can have afear model and a freedom model,
a way that we're having aconversation that is either
based on fear or freedom.
(15:43):
Maybe it's coming from ourpride or judgment.
I think those are all differentways.
Fear will manifest itself, andso we can also have a
conversation based on freedom,which is fueled by compassion,
humility, empathy, kindness.
My goal for you is to be ableto have better conversations,
and the reason that yourconversations are hard is
(16:05):
because you have feelings And Iwant you to keep having feelings
.
I want you to feel all thefeelings more and more and in a
way that you're not resistingthose feelings and you're not
reacting from those feelings.
Rather, you are leveraging youremotions to have better
relationships and conversations,and we can do this by examining
(16:26):
our thoughts and determining ifthey're serving us and if
they're creating the emotions wewant to bring into the
conversations.
We can do this by being willingto feel anything and being able
to pause and feel our emotions,when we are able to learn from
the conversations that didn't gowell and take that information
(16:48):
so that we can apply what welearned and have better
conversations, then we are onthe right track.
Thank you, guys, for joining metoday.
I can't wait to talk to youagain next week as we continue
this conversation.
You are listening to the Happiest Lives Podcast with
Jill Lillard, episode numbernine.
Welcome to the Happiest LivesPodcast, where you'll learn to
think better, feel better andbecome the woman God says you
already are.
Here's your host, jill Lillard.
Hello everyone, and welcomeback to the podcast.
This week we are talking aboutwhy conversations are hard, and
(00:24):
this is part of a series I'mdoing all month called Better
Conversations.
So if you are a human beinglistening to me right now and
you are then you can understand.
We can have a conversation hereNow.
Your dog might be listening,because mine is but they don't
have that capacity like we do toconnect by sharing information,
sharing thoughts and sharingemotions, and so a conversation
(00:47):
is exchanging different thoughtsand feelings with another
person.
We're sharing information, butwe're also sharing our thoughts
about that information And weare sharing the emotion that is
coming up with us, and maybewe're empathizing and connecting
with somebody else's emotion orwe're resisting their emotion.
Our thoughts are going toinclude all of our ideas, our
(01:09):
assessments, our opinions.
We can share our desires andwants with another person, and
so it's so exciting.
I think it's pretty amazingthat we have this capacity as
humans to connect on this higherlevel of understanding, and
it's not just intellectual, itis emotional.
So the real reason thatconversations is hard is because
(01:33):
it is emotional, because wehave emotions.
Now the solution is not tobecome unemotional.
We don't want to be a chatbot.
We don't want to be a robotconversing with another human
being, and yet so many of ushave learned to detach
emotionally, to numb out ourfeelings.
We choose behaviors that numbthings so that we don't hurt so
(01:56):
badly, with differentdistractions and buffers, so
that we can resist thatnegativity.
But when we're blocking out thenegative, we're also blocking
out the positive.
We're disconnecting fromourselves And therefore we're
also disconnecting from otherpeople.
We aren't feeling as much pain,but we're also not feeling as
much joy, and so we want to beable to approach emotions in a
(02:20):
way that we're not afraid ofthem.
Emotions are harmless.
They cannot hurt us.
It's how we respond to ouremotions that really causes the
problems that we startexperiencing in our life.
The worst thing that can happento you is that you have a
feeling.
So when a feeling comes up andyou're able to experience it,
(02:41):
then you're able to leverageyour emotions so that you can
create deeper connections, andso all the feelings aren't going
to feel great.
You may not want to have all ofthem, but when you are willing
to have those, without resistingthem or reacting to them,
you're going to be able to stayconnected and have better
conversations and create thatspace for deeper connection and
(03:04):
intimacy.
Sometimes, when we experienceconflict and maybe it's been an
ongoing thing in ourrelationship rather than
fighting we will just take onthe thought it's better to deal
with this on my own, and thenyou turn away and deal with it
on your own, and so you feellike things are better because
the conflict is less, but youstart feeling really distant,
lonely, isolated.
(03:24):
That's that cascade of distance, loneliness and isolation, and
so you're no longer reallyhaving those conversations or
connecting in a meaningful way.
And we want to be able toconnect in a meaningful way.
Okay, so dealing with things onyour own is not the solution.
We have to find another way toconnect.
We don't want to fight, but wedon't want to disconnect, and so
(03:47):
we have to learn how to feelour feelings, process through
those, not react to them, and beable to create space for
another person's feelings.
When we're able to do that,then we can find ways to connect
even when we have those topicsthat bring up thoughts for us
that trigger us emotionally.
So some of us are moreproficient with our words, it's
(04:09):
easier for us to communicate andshare our thoughts and feelings
and we can access those thingsand we're able to share those
better with others.
And some of us have a hardertime with that.
Some of us are less wordy.
We're not even sure what we'rethinking, our feeling.
We're less conversational.
Some of us are good listeners.
Some of us aren't so greatlisteners.
We have to work on honing thosegifts, those skill sets, to be
(04:32):
able to listen better and to beable to share better.
So I'm not trying to change yourpersonality You don't need to
be someone that you're not Butjust being more self-aware and
opening yourself up to thecapacity to see the value of
conversations and becoming awareof the role that emotions play
in your conversations can go along way in deepening your
(04:54):
connections with others.
We want to be emotionally open.
If you want those deeperconnections, you want to be more
aware of your own emotions.
If you want more intimateconnections with other people,
then you want to be able to haveintimate conversations, and the
only way you'll be able to dothis is to be willing to feel so
(05:17):
that you can navigate throughany of the emotions that are
going to come up for you, and soI want to give you three tips
related to feelings today Thatare going to help you have
better conversations.
The first one is you can changeyour thoughts about the other
person and the conversation, andwhen you change your thoughts,
(05:38):
it is going to change yourexperience.
It's going to change the wayyou feel and the way that you're
showing up.
So if you're going into aconversation, or maybe you had a
conversation and you saidsomething to them and they
didn't acknowledge it, yourbrain might take in that
information and then you assessit and think my thoughts and
feelings, they just, they don'tmatter, he doesn't care, he
(05:59):
doesn't love me, and you end upfeeling really hurt.
You might get angry, you mightshut down and withdraw.
He may make a bid to connectlater and, oblivious to the fact
that your feelings are hurt,and then you might be ignoring
his bid to connect And so you'redisconnecting from him, and the
result is that you end upcreating a result that you're
(06:20):
not, a result that his thoughtsand feelings don't matter to you
.
So you mirror what you havebeen perceiving.
But that thought my thoughtsand feelings don't matter is
optional And it probably is notserving you in any capacity.
It makes you feel terrible Andit ends up creating this results
(06:42):
that you find the evidence ofthat, or that his thoughts and
feelings don't matter to you,and you keep perpetuating the
same evidence repeatedly becauseyour brain is looking for that.
So there's no upside tothinking your thoughts and
feelings don't matter.
So I would offer you the thoughtthat your thoughts and feelings
do matter And if that feelslike too big of a leap, you
(07:03):
could add on it's possible thatmy thoughts and feelings do
matter.
When you redirect your brain inthat way, you are going to go
into the conversation feelingvalidated.
You're going to feel calmer,maybe a little bit more secure
or loved.
When I think my thoughts andfeelings matter, i feel calm,
(07:24):
and when I feel calm, i findevidence that my thoughts and
feelings do matter.
Just because my husband doesn'tshow up how I hoped he would
and he didn't respond or followthe script the way that I think
he should, it doesn't mean thatmy thoughts and feelings don't
matter to him.
It could be that he's justdoing his best, that he's being
a little clueless At that pointand not really aware of how his
(07:47):
actions are affecting me, and Idon't always show up perfectly,
so I don't expect that he has toalways show up perfectly.
So if I take on the thoughtthat my thoughts and feelings do
matter, i'm going to feelcalmer and I keep an open
posture.
I continue to make bids toconnect, i respond to his bids
to connect and I'm warmer.
Then I may even share mythoughts and feelings with him.
(08:09):
I might turn toward him and sayhey, you know, earlier today,
when I was telling you aboutwhat happened in the situation
at work, i was telling you thisstory and you didn't even look
up for your phone and then youwalked off.
You didn't even verballyacknowledge me.
I started to think that mythoughts and feelings didn't
matter to you and I felt reallyhurt.
(08:31):
Sharing that from an energy offeeling calm is very different
than if you would have sharedthat from the place of hurt.
When you're in the hurt andyou're speaking from the hurt
and reacting from the hurt orthe anger, then when you share
your thoughts and feelings andyour experience, you may go into
(08:54):
attack mode, a critical mode.
You might start wagging yourfinger and saying all the things
, but notice how I, when I saidhow I might say that, how I
might share that from a place ofcalm, that I expressed the
facts Hey, here's what happened.
(09:15):
Then I shared my thought.
This is what I made it mean,and I shared how I was feeling.
I took ownership of my thoughtsand feelings as I observed the
facts and put those on the table.
You are simply turning towardthe other person to deepen
understanding, but thatconversation is being fueled
with a calm energy becauseyou're believing, hey, my
(09:37):
thoughts and feelings do matter.
So if you want to have betterconversations, you can change
your thoughts about the otherperson and the conversation And,
in turn, you will generate anemotion that is going to serve
you better.
A second tip is learning how tolet your feelings be there
without reacting to them orresisting them.
Okay, so I think the way youhandle your emotions, that's the
(10:01):
same way you're responding tosomebody else's emotions.
I see it in couples therapy allthe time.
The way we react to ourpartner's emotions, it's really
just a reflection of how we areeven responding to our own
emotions.
So, even though I'm talkingabout how we can offer ourselves
other, optional ways ofthinking that will make us feel
better.
I'm not talking aboutdismissing your thoughts and
(10:23):
feelings.
Your thoughts and feelings arevalid.
I'm not talking about eventhought-swapping to get rid of
the negative emotions.
You want to be willing to feelanything, and when we're
resisting those negativeemotions because it's
uncomfortable and we're tryingto turn them off or dismiss them
, we don't want to acknowledgethem then we are disconnecting.
We are disconnecting fromourselves.
(10:44):
We're going to end updisconnecting from the other
person.
We're going to not be veryresponsive, we're going to be
dismissive about their emotions,and so that isn't really going
to serve us.
I remember a situation years agoand my son was in middle school
and he was messing with hisschool ID.
It was on a lanyard And he wasgetting very frustrated with the
(11:08):
lanyard because he couldn't gethis ID on there.
And so I was on the other sideof the room watching this and my
husband was next to him gettingready to take him to school,
and as he got frustrated withhis lanyard, he was thinking
that it should be behavingdifferently than it was, that it
should be cooperating.
My husband started gettingfrustrated with my son, thinking
(11:31):
that he shouldn't be gettingfrustrated with his lanyard And
I'm on the other side of theroom and I see my husband
getting frustrated with my son,thinking my son shouldn't be
getting frustrated, and then myson being frustrated with his
lanyard and I'm thinking that myhusband shouldn't be getting
frustrated, that my son isfrustrated.
(11:51):
So do you see the domino effecthere?
The mere fact that we all startdoing the same thing?
We start resisting the otherperson and thinking maybe they
shouldn't be so emotional, butthen we become emotional and
start really doing the samething.
When we think people shouldn'tbe behaving a certain way or
(12:11):
feeling a certain way and weresist it, then we kind of hop
into the same pool of theiremotional experience, which is
not effective, it's not helpful,it's not helping us empathize
with the situation.
Empathizing with the situationis entirely different than
getting in and kind of playingtug-of-war with what's actually
(12:33):
going on.
When other people expressemotions and we become really
emotional, it's not about theother person's emotions.
We are becoming emotionalbecause we are having a thought
about their feelings and that'smaking us feel a certain way.
And so we think the way tocontrol it is to control the
other person and control theiremotions, when really the way to
(12:56):
experience it is to manage ourown emotions, to be aware of
what we're thinking and whywe're feeling the way we are,
and then we can relax intowhatever that feeling is, rather
than reacting to it and tryingto resist it.
When you learn how to letfeelings be there without
(13:17):
reacting or resisting, you willmake room for better
conversations, because you willcreate space for people to
express feelings and processtheir way through those feelings
, and you can process anyfeeling because you're not
trying to outrun it as thoughit's dangerous.
It's the resisting, thereacting to the emotion that
(13:37):
gets us in trouble, not thefeeling itself.
So the third tip for being ableto have better conversations is
being able to learn fromregrettable conversations.
So if you had a conversationthat did not go well, oftentimes
we might feel really bad aboutthe conversation.
We'll feel disappointed in theconversation.
(13:59):
We may blame ourselves, we maybeat ourselves up or we may
blame the other person for howthey showed up.
We might find evidence that itwasn't a good idea to have the
conversation, that we shouldhave dealt with it on our own,
and we're never going to do thatagain.
Rather than learning from whatjust happened, learning from the
conversation What went well,what didn't go well?
(14:21):
How did I show up in theconversation?
Why did I show up that way?
What was I thinking?
What was I feeling?
Then you can learn from theconversation When you ask those
questions.
You are learning from whathappened And you can keep having
conversations that aren'tperfect, but they are growth
opportunities.
(14:41):
In all my coaching programs, weuse a process called the
HeartScan And it helps you doeverything I discussed in
today's lesson Being able toexpose and look at what you are
thinking about a situation, howyou're feeling, how you're
showing up, what result is thiscreating for you?
and then asking is this servingme?
And then being able to renewthat and see how you might think
(15:02):
differently about it and createa new result.
What else is possible?
How do I want to show up?
What result do I want to create?
How do I want to feel in thissituation?
And then being able to engage,to feel anything, to feel the
feeling in a way that is calmand curious, as opposed to
closed off.
In fact, the fourth part ofdoing HeartScan is being able to
(15:23):
press on and take actiondespite unwanted emotions, and
so this process of HeartScanningcan help you have better
conversations, because it canhelp you look at what happened,
what's going on in yourconversations.
A lot of times we can have afear model and a freedom model,
a way that we're having aconversation that is either
based on fear or freedom.
(15:43):
Maybe it's coming from ourpride or judgment.
I think those are all differentways.
Fear will manifest itself, andso we can also have a
conversation based on freedom,which is fueled by compassion,
humility, empathy, kindness.
My goal for you is to be ableto have better conversations,
and the reason that yourconversations are hard is
(16:05):
because you have feelings And Iwant you to keep having feelings
.
I want you to feel all thefeelings more and more and in a
way that you're not resistingthose feelings and you're not
reacting from those feelings.
Rather, you are leveraging youremotions to have better
relationships and conversations,and we can do this by examining
(16:26):
our thoughts and determining ifthey're serving us and if
they're creating the emotions wewant to bring into the
conversations.
We can do this by being willingto feel anything and being able
to pause and feel our emotions,when we are able to learn from
the conversations that didn't gowell and take that information
(16:48):
so that we can apply what welearned and have better
conversations, then we are onthe right track.
Thank you, guys, for joining metoday.
I can't wait to talk to youagain next week as we continue
this conversation.
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