Why love and good intentions aren't enough: Understanding loss in adoption - Ana Maria Didio

Adoption comes with invisible layers of grief, confusion, and strength-building that families don’t always talk about.

In this episode, we cover:

• The myth that “love will fix everything” in adoption

• Early trauma and the primal wound, even in infant adoption

• How to help children build identity and confidence

• Why adoptive children sometimes push love away—and what to do

These are areas close to our guest Ana Maria DiDio’s heart. As an adoptive mother and author of the L.I.F.E. Adventures children’s book series, she shares how storytelling helps families start hard conversations about identity and loss—conversations many children don’t know how to begin on their own.

Claudie adds a neuroscience lens, explaining how early separation affects the brain’s chemistry, and how sensory enrichment—like hugs, smells, and foot massages—can help rewire emotional pathways and support attachment.

Episode Highlights

0:06:30 – “Every adoption starts with trauma, even in infancy.” Ana Maria introduces the concept of the primal wound and explains why even babies adopted at birth carry invisible grief that can manifest years later.

0:09:15 – “I didn’t process what she had lost—I was just thrilled she was joining our family.” Ana Maria reflects on the disconnect between her joy and her daughter’s pain, and how that realization changed her parenting.

0:14:55 – “These books are not exactly about my daughters—because they told me, ‘That’s enough, Mom!’” Ana Maria shares how her children’s books were inspired by personal experience, but shaped into tools other families can safely use.

0:23:30 – “Why did you even adopt me if you couldn’t speak Spanish?” Ana Maria recounts a heartbreaking moment that revealed the depth of her daughter’s cultural loss—and how reclaiming Spanish brought healing.

0:38:20 – Claudie: “When pups are separated from their mothers at birth, serotonin production nearly disappears.” Claudie explains early animal research on maternal separation, anxiety, and the recovery of brain chemistry through nurturing touch.

0:41:40 – Claudie: “Foot massage before bed helps the brain produce oxytocin.” A practical, science-backed way to support attachment and emotional safety, especially for children who resist touch.

0:48:20 – Claudie: “Smell is a personal pleasure—something you do for yourself to feel good.” Claudie highlights scent as a simple but powerful self-regulation tool that gives children emotional agency.

0:54:45 – “We needed someone outside the family to help us heal.” Ana Maria describes how involving a therapist allowed her daughter to safely process grief that she couldn’t share directly with family.1:04:00 – “Find yourself, find a friend.” Ana Maria introduces her middle-grade novel about Grace—a quiet girl who finds her confidence while helping a friend search for his birth mother.