Beyond "It Is What It Is"

That seemingly innocent phrase—"it is what it is"—might be the most dangerous thing you say all day. Far from being a sign of mature acceptance, those five words often mark the moment we stop advocating for ourselves and start adjusting to what drains us.

Listen closely to what happens in your body when you say it: shoulders drop not in relief but surrender, breath shallows, tone flattens, eyes lower. Your nervous system literally checks out. We've normalized this phrase in our relationships, careers, health journeys, and self-perception, using it as an exit ramp from confronting difficult truths. But what if this verbal shrug isn't peaceful acceptance but the beginning of emotional detachment?

The real question isn't whether things are what they are—it's whether they should stay that way. Your weight, habits, mindset, voice—none of these are fixed realities unless you declare them to be. Next-level thinking requires growth and solution-finding, not settling for clichés. Try replacing "it is what it is" with something truer: "I haven't made peace with this yet" or "This isn't it, but I'm working on what is." These alternatives acknowledge both your current reality and your desire for something different.

This episode challenges you to track when you use this phrase, notice what you're really feeling, and practice saying one truer thing instead. Because reclaiming your life doesn't always start with a big move—sometimes it starts with telling yourself the truth. You're not stuck; you're working on it. And that distinction makes all the difference.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Let me ask you something.
Would you say it is what it is?
Is really just your way ofaccepting something you don't
even want?
Like, really, for real, sitwith that.
Is it peace or is it a quietdefeat?
Is it maturity or is it feardressed up as emotional

(00:22):
intelligence?
Because, if we're being honest,a lot of us are living under a
phrase we didn't mean to build alife around.
We say it is what it is when wedon't have the words, when
we're tired of fighting, whenthe thing we're facing feels too
layered to fix.
But what if I told you thatphrase is often the beginning of

(00:42):
emotional detachment?
Told you that phrase is oftenthe beginning of emotional
detachment the moment we stopadvocating for ourselves and
start adjusting to, honestly,what drains us.
See, I need you to listen towhat your body does when you say
it.
Like, think about it.
The last time that you may havesaid it is what it is, your

(01:02):
shoulders drop, not in relief,but in surrender.
Your breath shallows, your tonegoes flat, you might even lower
your eyes.
It's subtle, but your nervoussystem clocked out the moment
you did.
It is what it is.
Doesn't feel like power, itfeels like passive survival.

(01:26):
And so somewhere along the way,we made this phrase normal.
We use it in relationships wedon't want to be in anymore.
We use it at a job we outgrewyears ago.
We even say it about ourselves.
Sometimes people will say it iswhat it is about their weight,

(01:55):
about their habits, about theirmindset, about their voice.
It can't be fixed and that youaren't willing to do the
necessary steps in order to getto a place where you're not just
agreeing with.
It is what it is.
See your weight.
You can do something about yourhabits.

(02:17):
You can change your mindset.
You can begin to grow yourvoice.
You can begin to use it.
Set.
You can begin to grow yourvoice.
You can begin to use it.
And so the people that even sayoh, I've just been this way
since who knows when.
Well, why?
At what point do we begin toask ourselves questions about

(02:40):
the things that we begin to sayout of our mouths?
Because it should never be.
You should never be okay withsaying out of your mouth.
It just is what it is.
When you have the ability tofigure out how to fix it, there
is always a way to fix it.
But are you willing to put inthe work to figure out what the

(03:04):
solution may be.
See, it's you accepting it andmost of the time you just might
be too worn down to challenge it.
So here's what I want you to donext time it is what it is.

(03:25):
It starts to rise up.
I need you to do next time itis what it is, starts to rise up
, I need you to pause, catch it,ask yourself what am I trying
to move past without processingwhat part of me is asking to be
felt, not dismissed?
Is this really what I believeor just what I've gotten used to

(03:47):
surviving?
See, this one sentence, this onereflex, can become a pattern of
silence, and silence over timesounds like self-abandonment.
So I need us to get to a placewhere we're not just saying cute
little catchphrases, because ifyou are someone who has been

(04:13):
listening to this podcast forover two years, then you know we
are here to put in the work.
We are doing things in order toget us to the next level, and
next level thinking requires usto grow.

(04:33):
Next level thinking requires usto do something different.
Next level thinking requires usto figure out the solution and
not just say little,understanding that there is life
or death in the power of thetongue, and so the things that

(04:53):
you say out of your mouth youare now in agreement with, even
if it sounds cliche-ish and cute.
So let's not just stop with thequestions that we need to ask
ourselves.
Let's finish the sentence,because it is what it is until

(05:16):
it isn't.
But until it isn't what?
Kiana I know that's what you'resaying, I know, I know Until it
isn't fair, until it isn'taligned, until it isn't love,
until it isn't safe, until itisn't you.
Sometimes your spirit realizesbefore your mind does that isn't

(05:39):
it, this isn't it.
And when that awareness hits,that's not breakdown, that's not
breakdown, that's yourbreakthrough knocking.
So are you going to answer theknock or not?

(06:04):
Because either you can be onone side of the door trying to
figure out how to get to theother, when your body, your
brain, your heart is telling youthat I need something different
.
So instead of saying it is whatit is, I need you to say this
instead.
I haven't made peace with ityet.

(06:25):
This isn't sitting right andI'm still figuring out why this
isn't it, but I'm working onwhat is.
I'm not settled and thatmatters to me because, friend,
language matters and the wordsyou use can either close the

(06:47):
door on your healing or keepspace open for something
different to enter.
So maybe maybe you don't needto fix it all today.
Maybe all you need is to stoppretending it is what it is,

(07:08):
means you're okay.
Because reestablishing doesn'talways start with a big move.
Sometimes it starts withtelling yourself the truth, that
you want more, that you'retired of tolerating, that your
body, your boundaries, yourbecoming deserves more respect

(07:29):
than the phrase allows.
More respect than the phraseallows.
It is what it is until younotice what it's doing to you.
And the moment you do, that'swhen everything changes, brick
by brick, boundary by boundary,word by word.

(07:55):
You're not stuck, you'reworking on it.
You're working on where it isthat you say that you want to go
, because I know that words havepower.
I know that you are looking tobe the best version of yourself.
I know that you want somethingdifferent for this season that
you are entering.

(08:17):
I know that, although that'swhat you may be feeling, that's
not what you mean.
You thought I paused because Iforgot.
You thought that I wasn't goingto give you homework.
Did you think that I was goingto end this episode and not give

(08:37):
you work that you needed to do.
You have lied to yourselfbecause you knew it was coming.
So here's my challenge for youthis week, and it's going to
come in three parts, right?
So take some time to reallywrite this down, because faith

(08:57):
without works is dead.
We are here to actually do thework, not just hear it.
So for the next three days, Ineed you to track every time you
think or say it is what it is,oh well, whatever, or any
version of emotional bypass, andI need you to make note of

(09:23):
where were you?
Who were you talking to?
What were you really feeling inthat moment?
Why?
Because awareness always comesbefore authority.
The second part is each timeyou catch yourself about to
shrug or dismiss, pause andfinish this real sentence.

(09:47):
It is what it is until blank,let it be real, messy, emotional
it could be.
It is what it is until Irealize I deserve better.
It is what it is until thisfeels like it's costing me too

(10:07):
much.
It is what it is until I stopbetraying myself to be
understood.
See, this is where honestybegins to rewire the way that we
speak and what we tolerate.
Third part Say one truer thing,choose one situation where you

(10:32):
usually stay silent or say thesafe thing, and then this week,
say one truer thing Not to bedramatic, not to make a scene,
but to show up as yourself.
So this could sound like I'mnot okay with that actually.
So this could sound like I'mnot okay with that actually.
This isn't working for meanymore.

(10:53):
I'm realizing I want more thanthis.
Why?
Because every time you saysomething truer, you take back
ground that silence tried tosteal.
You got it.
So if this stirred something inyou, don't silence it.

(11:18):
Send this episode to theversion of you who needed this
five years ago, or to the friendwho's been living in the shrug
zone.
We're done with numbness.
We're done with tolerating.
We're done with defaultsettings.
You are not what is.
And this is not the end.
Until next time.