June 10, 2025 • 19 mins
Have you been silencing yourself, shrinking into rooms, and pretending to be okay just to keep the peace? That invisible tax you're paying—the energy spent maintaining a facade—is bankrupting your spirit.
The journey into understanding our hiding patterns often begins in childhood. For me, it started sitting in my father's closet after my parents divorced, eating sunflower seeds in silence because I lacked the language to express what I was feeling. That moment sparked a pattern: when something gets too hard, hide. Many of us weren't born afraid to be seen—this fear was taught through experiences of rejection, trauma, or cultural expectations.
Hiding takes many disguises: perfectionism that prevents action until everything looks flawless, people-pleasing that has you saying yes when your soul screams no, or staying perpetually busy to avoid sitting with yourself. But what's the real cost? It steals your clarity of purpose, prevents authentic connections, robs you of peace, closes doors to opportunities meant for the real you, stunts your growth, and ultimately threatens your legacy. You simply cannot build something lasting on a false foundation.
The path forward requires radical honesty—first with yourself. Name how you hide. Trace it back to its origins. Take small risks by speaking your truth. Understand you don't need to be "fixed" to be worthy of being seen. Build safety within yourself rather than seeking it externally. Choose truth over comfort, recognizing that while truth will stretch you, it will never betray you. You hold the key to your own cage.
Ready for a challenge? Come out of hiding, even just for a little while. Whisper your truth. Wear the bold color. Say the hard thing with love. You're not too much, you're exactly enough when you show up as the real version of you. You deserve not just to be seen, but celebrated.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Y'all.
Today we are diving deep into atopic that I know to will
hiding Physically, emotionally,spiritually, mentally.
You know the kind of hidingthat happens when you silence
yourself, shrink into rooms andpretend to be OK, just to keep
(00:21):
the peace.
See, this one's called the costof hiding what you're losing by
not being you.
Now, when I say that some ofyou all don't physically hide,
but some of you do, and I know,for me, I would hide as a little
(00:42):
girl, would hide as a littlegirl After my parents divorced
or my dad ended up leaving, Iwould go and sit in his closet.
I would sit in his closet, closethe door and eat sunflower
seeds and for me, understandingwho I am now and understanding
(01:03):
how traumatic of an experiencethat could be and I realized
that that's when my hidingstarted, see I could go into
that closet, close the door andbe away from everyone else.
I thought that closing thatdoor would be my escape, that it
(01:24):
was almost like going intoanother place, and so, while I
was in there eating sunflowerseeds I have no clue, maybe I
needed a snack and I didn't wantto get hungry while I was on
this secret mission that I wason, but I, in that moment, was
(01:47):
starting to hide.
I wasn't hiding my voice, but Iwas hiding myself physically
because I didn't have thelanguage to say what was really
going on with me and I didn'tthink that anything was going on
.
Now, looking back at it, Irealized, hey, probably sitting
in your dad's closet and closingthe door and eating sunflower
(02:09):
seeds wasn't the best way todeal with their breakup and
their divorce.
There should have been somesort of conversations about what
was going on, why it happened,and I'm sure that while I was
sitting in that closet I wastrying to process all of what
was taking place, just as alittle girl.
(02:31):
I didn't know what was going on.
I just knew that one day my dadwalked out the door and he was
gone.
No one was talking about it.
No one said why, who, what, whywhen and where.
But I began to hide.
And in that hiding in thatcloset started this almost
(02:55):
downward spiral of whensomething gets too hard, just go
hide.
If you can't find the words,just go hide.
If you're not sure what to donext, just go hide until you're
clear.
And so for some of you all,that's probably not your story.
(03:16):
Or maybe, as an adult, you hidein your own house?
I don't know, but I need us toget to a place where we can
begin to heal what we keephiding, and for some of us, we
are hiding in plain sight.
(03:37):
See, that performance that youalways want to be on Smiling,
fixing, helping Even when youare depleted, that perfectionism
where you won't move until itlooks perfect where that's not
high standards.
It's really a fear in disguise.
(03:58):
Or maybe it may be you peoplepleasing you, saying yes when
your soul is screaming no.
What about busyness?
Are you staying booked and busyto avoid being still and facing
yourself?
Or maybe, maybe this one is you, you're, you're silent and
(04:20):
you're holding back youropinions, your needs or your
desires out of fear of rejectionor rocking the boat.
See, hiding doesn't always looklike being absent.
Sometimes it looks like beingover-involved in everyone else's
life except for your own Y'all.
I'm standing here and I amholding up my hand as the
(04:42):
president of the hiding clubused to be president of the
hiding club and that was becauseI thought that as long as I was
helping everyone else, as longas I was doing, as long as I was
saying yes, as long as I wasdoing all of the things that I
wasn't hiding, but yet I wasreally hiding who I was.
(05:02):
I was hiding the fact that Ididn't even know how to sit with
me, that I didn't even have theanswers to the questions of
what I truly liked, what Ididn't like, how I can express
myself and to say no.
So, if that's you, I need youto take some time and just give
(05:25):
yourself a big hug for notknowing, because some of us go
and go and go and not realizewhy.
And today I want us to get tothe root cause of what that is.
And so, right now I need to askyou what is your hiding costing
(05:47):
you?
It costs more than comfort.
It costs your clarity.
It costs your clarity ofpurpose when you're pretending
and you can't discern whatyou're truly called to do.
It costs your connections,where people can't connect with
the version of you that has onthe mask.
(06:09):
It costs you your peace,because you're always having
this inner tension when you'repretending.
It costs you opportunities,because you miss the ones that
you were meant for the real youbecause you were out here saying
yes to everything, notrealizing that you saying yes to
(06:31):
this was causing you to say noto your true opportunity.
It was causing you your growth.
Hiding stunts your emotional andyour spiritual development, and
this one is big y'all, becausehiding will cost you your legacy
.
You can't build somethinglasting on a false foundation.
(06:55):
You know how they say.
Well, you can't build a houseon sand.
Same thing applies when you aretrying to show up for everyone
else and be who you are notcalled to be.
That can't last for so long.
So I need you to realize thatyou can't outrun what you refuse
(07:17):
to reveal.
I'll say that again you can'toutrun what you refuse to reveal
.
And so for some of you, allyou're trying to figure out.
Well, why is it that I hide?
Glad you asked.
And it's because, truly, youweren't born afraid to be seen.
(07:42):
This was taught.
Remember, when I shared thatlittle Kiana would sit in that
closet.
So little Kiana grew up to bebig Kiana that was hiding from
everyone, even herself, that wasafraid to speak up when she
needed something.
(08:02):
She would just continue to domore because she felt like, as
long as I am doing more, someoneis seeing, not realizing that.
It was a true cry for help.
So, for you, why you're hiding?
I'm not sure it could be yourfear of judgment or being
(08:22):
misunderstood.
It could be past trauma orbetrayal.
It could have been childhoodconditioning, being you saying
you know, be quiet, don't talkback.
It could be rejection frompeople you wanted to be accepted
by, or it could be religious orcultural exceptions.
(08:44):
Can I share with you all that Iwas even afraid to share with
people that I was going througha separation and a divorce.
I know it sounds weird,especially in this time that
we're living in, but I began tothink about well, what will the
church folks say?
How will they take me as aminister?
(09:08):
Oh, a minister that has beendivorced, my gosh.
So all of these things are real.
You have to figure out what isit for you and then, once you
have recognized why you arehiding, the ways that you hide,
(09:30):
now we have to deal with how tostop hiding and start showing up
.
See, the first step to stophiding is to stop lying,
especially to yourself, and Isay this all the time, and it's
because you have to lie to youfirst before you can lie to
anyone else.
So how many lies have you toldyou?
(09:50):
How many lies have you hadingrained in your thought
patterns that are not true?
Not about anyone else, butabout you, because the majority
of you, all you, are your worstenemy.
And let me say it a differentway you are your worst inner me,
(10:12):
because you talk to you all daylong, you hear your voice all
day long, you're with yourthoughts all day long.
So can I just tell you to goahead and apologize to yourself?
I'll wait.
You owe you an apology forhiding, and so, now that we
(10:36):
understand why you were hiding,we're going to stop hiding and
we're going to show up.
So, like I said before, we haveto name the behavior, call out
how and when you hide.
Don't lie to you, and if youneed to have someone that is
going to hold you accountable,then do so, but make sure that
(10:58):
it is someone who is going to betrustworthy.
The next thing is just gethonest.
Where did this begin?
Who taught you it was safe to,not what?
Who taught you it wasn't safeto be seen?
The next thing take those smallrisks.
Speak up.
Show up without the mask.
It's OK.
(11:20):
Let me say this it is OK tohurt someone's feelings when you
are so busy, worried abouthurting someone else's feelings,
that you end up hurting you inreturn.
No, tell the truth.
Say what's on your mind.
If someone asks you, what dothey think, don't overthink your
(11:45):
answer.
Give them the real.
Either they're going to like itor they're going to love it.
But if someone is looking toyou for especially constructive
criticism and you give them thiswatered down version, how is it
helping them grow?
And how is it that you arehelping yourself?
Speak up when you really knowthat it's trash?
Tell them the truth, becauseyou want someone else to be able
(12:09):
to tell you the truth.
The next thing is give yourselfpermission.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
This is why so many people areunafraid or are afraid to tell
their story.
I need you to get to a placewhere you are okay, and if that
(12:37):
means going to see a therapist,go do so.
Therapy and prayer work great,but you don't have to be.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
You don't have to be.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
You don't have to hide in yourhouse and think that until you
get yourself straight, then youwon't come out.
Do you know how big of a holeyou end up putting yourself in
(13:08):
when you begin to isolateyourself from everyone else.
The next thing is I need you tobuild safety within.
Learn how to hold yourselfwithout abandoning the truth.
The next thing is choose truthover comfort.
Truth will stretch you, but itwon't betray you y'all.
I need you to get this.
(13:29):
I need you to get this.
I need you to get this not justfor yourself, but there are
going to be people around youwho are going to need to see you
show up Because they are hidingbecause you're hiding.
Your children may be hidingbecause you're hiding, and so
(13:51):
when you begin to show up andyou begin to speak up, you begin
to see in others where they arehiding.
But you hold the key to thecage that you're in.
You're in there thinking thatsomeone else is going to come
save you.
When the person that needs tosave you is, you Unlock the cage
(14:12):
, so the healed version of youis on the other side of being
seen, first by you and then bythe world.
So when you go and you stand inthat mirror, tell yourself the
truth about what you see.
If you're hurting, say that andgo a bit deeper.
(14:35):
Why are you hurting?
How did you get to this place?
We have to stop justsugarcoating everything and we
have to get to the root of theissues.
No longer can we kind of justhave these vague conversations,
even with ourselves.
Peel back the layers, becausewhen you begin to peel back the
(14:57):
layer, you're then able to getto the root of the thing, and
when you're able to get to theroot of the thing is the only
time when you're able to kill it.
Have you ever just gone outsideand pulled up a weed and then
you come back out and that sameweed is there in a couple days,
only because you just took thelittle flower or whatever it was
(15:20):
, off the top?
All the while it has this hugeroot down at the bottom.
So while you keep whacking offthe top of this weed, the the
root is still strong and it'ssaying oh OK, great, you did
that.
Well, I'm going to go ahead andI'm going to grow back, because
you have not dealt with theroot of the issue.
And so this is why, when you goback and you begin to ask
(15:44):
yourself the very question why,how did I get here?
When did I begin hiding?
What was the issue that made mehide?
You are now getting to the rootof the thing.
And when you get to the root.
That's when you can kill it.
So again, like I said to you all, I know hiding all too well and
(16:08):
because I am no longer hiding,I can see when someone else is
hiding, because I begin torecognize the signs and it
allows me to give that person alittle bit more grace, because I
have been there.
So I know I know hiding canfeel safe.
(16:31):
Safe, I know it feels likeprotection, but the truth is,
when you hide, you hurt, youlose, you suffocate the very
parts of you that were meant toset you free.
You are not too much, you'rejust enough when you show up as
the real version of you.
So this week, I dare you, Idare you, I double, dare you, I
(16:56):
double dog, dare you to come outof hiding, even just for a
little while.
I need you to whisper your truth, wear the bold color, say the
hard thing with love.
You deserve to be seen, notjust seen, but celebrated.
(17:18):
So I want to just thank you.
I want to thank you for showingup for you and go ahead and
send me those emails.
I love to see them.
Send me the DMs, I love to readthem and text this to a friend
that you know is shrinking rightnow because they need it.
(17:39):
You need it, and go ahead andleave a review.
If this episode gave you abreakthrough moment, I want to
know all about it.
All right, until next time, bebrave.
Y'all.
Today we are diving deep into atopic that I know to will
hiding Physically, emotionally,spiritually, mentally.
You know the kind of hidingthat happens when you silence
yourself, shrink into rooms andpretend to be OK, just to keep
(00:21):
the peace.
See, this one's called the costof hiding what you're losing by
not being you.
Now, when I say that some ofyou all don't physically hide,
but some of you do, and I know,for me, I would hide as a little
(00:42):
girl, would hide as a littlegirl After my parents divorced
or my dad ended up leaving, Iwould go and sit in his closet.
I would sit in his closet, closethe door and eat sunflower
seeds and for me, understandingwho I am now and understanding
(01:03):
how traumatic of an experiencethat could be and I realized
that that's when my hidingstarted, see I could go into
that closet, close the door andbe away from everyone else.
I thought that closing thatdoor would be my escape, that it
(01:24):
was almost like going intoanother place, and so, while I
was in there eating sunflowerseeds I have no clue, maybe I
needed a snack and I didn't wantto get hungry while I was on
this secret mission that I wason, but I, in that moment, was
(01:47):
starting to hide.
I wasn't hiding my voice, but Iwas hiding myself physically
because I didn't have thelanguage to say what was really
going on with me and I didn'tthink that anything was going on
.
Now, looking back at it, Irealized, hey, probably sitting
in your dad's closet and closingthe door and eating sunflower
(02:09):
seeds wasn't the best way todeal with their breakup and
their divorce.
There should have been somesort of conversations about what
was going on, why it happened,and I'm sure that while I was
sitting in that closet I wastrying to process all of what
was taking place, just as alittle girl.
(02:31):
I didn't know what was going on.
I just knew that one day my dadwalked out the door and he was
gone.
No one was talking about it.
No one said why, who, what, whywhen and where.
But I began to hide.
And in that hiding in thatcloset started this almost
(02:55):
downward spiral of whensomething gets too hard, just go
hide.
If you can't find the words,just go hide.
If you're not sure what to donext, just go hide until you're
clear.
And so for some of you all,that's probably not your story.
(03:16):
Or maybe, as an adult, you hidein your own house?
I don't know, but I need us toget to a place where we can
begin to heal what we keephiding, and for some of us, we
are hiding in plain sight.
(03:37):
See, that performance that youalways want to be on Smiling,
fixing, helping Even when youare depleted, that perfectionism
where you won't move until itlooks perfect where that's not
high standards.
It's really a fear in disguise.
(03:58):
Or maybe it may be you peoplepleasing you, saying yes when
your soul is screaming no.
What about busyness?
Are you staying booked and busyto avoid being still and facing
yourself?
Or maybe, maybe this one is you, you're, you're silent and
(04:20):
you're holding back youropinions, your needs or your
desires out of fear of rejectionor rocking the boat.
See, hiding doesn't always looklike being absent.
Sometimes it looks like beingover-involved in everyone else's
life except for your own Y'all.
I'm standing here and I amholding up my hand as the
(04:42):
president of the hiding clubused to be president of the
hiding club and that was becauseI thought that as long as I was
helping everyone else, as longas I was doing, as long as I was
saying yes, as long as I wasdoing all of the things that I
wasn't hiding, but yet I wasreally hiding who I was.
(05:02):
I was hiding the fact that Ididn't even know how to sit with
me, that I didn't even have theanswers to the questions of
what I truly liked, what Ididn't like, how I can express
myself and to say no.
So, if that's you, I need youto take some time and just give
(05:25):
yourself a big hug for notknowing, because some of us go
and go and go and not realizewhy.
And today I want us to get tothe root cause of what that is.
And so, right now I need to askyou what is your hiding costing
(05:47):
you?
It costs more than comfort.
It costs your clarity.
It costs your clarity ofpurpose when you're pretending
and you can't discern whatyou're truly called to do.
It costs your connections,where people can't connect with
the version of you that has onthe mask.
(06:09):
It costs you your peace,because you're always having
this inner tension when you'repretending.
It costs you opportunities,because you miss the ones that
you were meant for the real youbecause you were out here saying
yes to everything, notrealizing that you saying yes to
(06:31):
this was causing you to say noto your true opportunity.
It was causing you your growth.
Hiding stunts your emotional andyour spiritual development, and
this one is big y'all, becausehiding will cost you your legacy
.
You can't build somethinglasting on a false foundation.
(06:55):
You know how they say.
Well, you can't build a houseon sand.
Same thing applies when you aretrying to show up for everyone
else and be who you are notcalled to be.
That can't last for so long.
So I need you to realize thatyou can't outrun what you refuse
(07:17):
to reveal.
I'll say that again you can'toutrun what you refuse to reveal
.
And so for some of you, allyou're trying to figure out.
Well, why is it that I hide?
Glad you asked.
And it's because, truly, youweren't born afraid to be seen.
(07:42):
This was taught.
Remember, when I shared thatlittle Kiana would sit in that
closet.
So little Kiana grew up to bebig Kiana that was hiding from
everyone, even herself, that wasafraid to speak up when she
needed something.
(08:02):
She would just continue to domore because she felt like, as
long as I am doing more, someoneis seeing, not realizing that.
It was a true cry for help.
So, for you, why you're hiding?
I'm not sure it could be yourfear of judgment or being
(08:22):
misunderstood.
It could be past trauma orbetrayal.
It could have been childhoodconditioning, being you saying
you know, be quiet, don't talkback.
It could be rejection frompeople you wanted to be accepted
by, or it could be religious orcultural exceptions.
(08:44):
Can I share with you all that Iwas even afraid to share with
people that I was going througha separation and a divorce.
I know it sounds weird,especially in this time that
we're living in, but I began tothink about well, what will the
church folks say?
How will they take me as aminister?
(09:08):
Oh, a minister that has beendivorced, my gosh.
So all of these things are real.
You have to figure out what isit for you and then, once you
have recognized why you arehiding, the ways that you hide,
(09:30):
now we have to deal with how tostop hiding and start showing up
.
See, the first step to stophiding is to stop lying,
especially to yourself, and Isay this all the time, and it's
because you have to lie to youfirst before you can lie to
anyone else.
So how many lies have you toldyou?
(09:50):
How many lies have you hadingrained in your thought
patterns that are not true?
Not about anyone else, butabout you, because the majority
of you, all you, are your worstenemy.
And let me say it a differentway you are your worst inner me,
(10:12):
because you talk to you all daylong, you hear your voice all
day long, you're with yourthoughts all day long.
So can I just tell you to goahead and apologize to yourself?
I'll wait.
You owe you an apology forhiding, and so, now that we
(10:36):
understand why you were hiding,we're going to stop hiding and
we're going to show up.
So, like I said before, we haveto name the behavior, call out
how and when you hide.
Don't lie to you, and if youneed to have someone that is
going to hold you accountable,then do so, but make sure that
(10:58):
it is someone who is going to betrustworthy.
The next thing is just gethonest.
Where did this begin?
Who taught you it was safe to,not what?
Who taught you it wasn't safeto be seen?
The next thing take those smallrisks.
Speak up.
Show up without the mask.
It's OK.
(11:20):
Let me say this it is OK tohurt someone's feelings when you
are so busy, worried abouthurting someone else's feelings,
that you end up hurting you inreturn.
No, tell the truth.
Say what's on your mind.
If someone asks you, what dothey think, don't overthink your
(11:45):
answer.
Give them the real.
Either they're going to like itor they're going to love it.
But if someone is looking toyou for especially constructive
criticism and you give them thiswatered down version, how is it
helping them grow?
And how is it that you arehelping yourself?
Speak up when you really knowthat it's trash?
Tell them the truth, becauseyou want someone else to be able
(12:09):
to tell you the truth.
The next thing is give yourselfpermission.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
This is why so many people areunafraid or are afraid to tell
their story.
I need you to get to a placewhere you are okay, and if that
(12:37):
means going to see a therapist,go do so.
Therapy and prayer work great,but you don't have to be.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
You don't have to be.
You don't need to be fixed tobe seen.
You don't have to hide in yourhouse and think that until you
get yourself straight, then youwon't come out.
Do you know how big of a holeyou end up putting yourself in
(13:08):
when you begin to isolateyourself from everyone else.
The next thing is I need you tobuild safety within.
Learn how to hold yourselfwithout abandoning the truth.
The next thing is choose truthover comfort.
Truth will stretch you, but itwon't betray you y'all.
I need you to get this.
(13:29):
I need you to get this.
I need you to get this not justfor yourself, but there are
going to be people around youwho are going to need to see you
show up Because they are hidingbecause you're hiding.
Your children may be hidingbecause you're hiding, and so
(13:51):
when you begin to show up andyou begin to speak up, you begin
to see in others where they arehiding.
But you hold the key to thecage that you're in.
You're in there thinking thatsomeone else is going to come
save you.
When the person that needs tosave you is, you Unlock the cage
(14:12):
, so the healed version of youis on the other side of being
seen, first by you and then bythe world.
So when you go and you stand inthat mirror, tell yourself the
truth about what you see.
If you're hurting, say that andgo a bit deeper.
(14:35):
Why are you hurting?
How did you get to this place?
We have to stop justsugarcoating everything and we
have to get to the root of theissues.
No longer can we kind of justhave these vague conversations,
even with ourselves.
Peel back the layers, becausewhen you begin to peel back the
(14:57):
layer, you're then able to getto the root of the thing, and
when you're able to get to theroot of the thing is the only
time when you're able to kill it.
Have you ever just gone outsideand pulled up a weed and then
you come back out and that sameweed is there in a couple days,
only because you just took thelittle flower or whatever it was
(15:20):
, off the top?
All the while it has this hugeroot down at the bottom.
So while you keep whacking offthe top of this weed, the the
root is still strong and it'ssaying oh OK, great, you did
that.
Well, I'm going to go ahead andI'm going to grow back, because
you have not dealt with theroot of the issue.
And so this is why, when you goback and you begin to ask
(15:44):
yourself the very question why,how did I get here?
When did I begin hiding?
What was the issue that made mehide?
You are now getting to the rootof the thing.
And when you get to the root.
That's when you can kill it.
So again, like I said to you all, I know hiding all too well and
(16:08):
because I am no longer hiding,I can see when someone else is
hiding, because I begin torecognize the signs and it
allows me to give that person alittle bit more grace, because I
have been there.
So I know I know hiding canfeel safe.
(16:31):
Safe, I know it feels likeprotection, but the truth is,
when you hide, you hurt, youlose, you suffocate the very
parts of you that were meant toset you free.
You are not too much, you'rejust enough when you show up as
the real version of you.
So this week, I dare you, Idare you, I double, dare you, I
(16:56):
double dog, dare you to come outof hiding, even just for a
little while.
I need you to whisper your truth, wear the bold color, say the
hard thing with love.
You deserve to be seen, notjust seen, but celebrated.
(17:18):
So I want to just thank you.
I want to thank you for showingup for you and go ahead and
send me those emails.
I love to see them.
Send me the DMs, I love to readthem and text this to a friend
that you know is shrinking rightnow because they need it.
(17:39):
You need it, and go ahead andleave a review.
If this episode gave you abreakthrough moment, I want to
know all about it.
All right, until next time, bebrave.
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